-- TAKING A BREAK --

hewwo, im gonna be taking a break from tumblr for the next while.

ive come to realize that im on tumblr wayyyy too much bc of my (newly found) ocd so im leaving for a while to try and deal with it (+ other stuff in the op tags)

i'll be back once im satisfied w/ my progress, but there is a chance i won't be back for months, so if u want to stay in contact send me a DM w ur discord or smthn, i'll check them a couple of times in the next couple days, but after that no tumblr at all.

so yeah, byebyes & i'll see u people later hopefully <3

As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.

finally sitting down to study japanese again after the big fail that was the jlpt n4 exam

Fuck medschool so so much omggg

i don't play minecraft for the creativity or outlet i play for the experience of being in a body which works as intended and doesn't decide it hates me every thirty seconds

Ahaga fuck the college shit is getting wirse

The most I've wrote of Reticent in the past couple of days is some Mikey and Raph banter I wrote whilst at the cinema which I only stopped writing cause some kids around my age sat behind me and I got scared

Being a writer is so great!!!!

btw i've got the response to my exam and i got my certification!!!

part of it only the back-end part (baffling to me that i didn't get the front-end part but then again. i lost all knowledge right in front of the jury and froze and couldn't remember almost anything css related 💀💀💀💀 it was embarrassing. BUT IT'S DONE! I'M FREE!!! I WON'T WORK AS A WEBDEV BUT! i'm done with anything relating to this traineeship yay yipee)

debating whether or not I can actually do ghiralink week hahaha

regularly having conversations with mom about how fucked the school system is here rn and we just increasingly get more shocked each time

I'm thoroughly ashamed of my life

.

I got a lot of praise from my sign language teacher yesterday 💕💕 We had individual feedback sessions and afterwards we just started chatting and it was really cool!!

Howdy<3

.

mitsukou just might the thing to get me out of this horrid art block-