#feels borderline dystopian | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fertbutt · 2 years

Text

I watched the school for good and evil or whatever it's called last night and i am just so conflicted and confused and confounded.

note, this is coming from someone who has never read these books. I think this is the type of series i wouldve devoured in 7th grade though

The premise is borderline dystopian. These kids are being separated into either good or evil, no inbetween, with extremely rigid but also arbitrary rules as to what is good and what is evil. there's no room for change or growth, you're either one or the other for the rest of your life.

agatha and sophia, the protagonists, are upset with this. sophia thinks she's not meant for the evil school, there's been a mistake, and agatha (who is infinitely more likeable throughout the entirety of the movie) just wants to go back to her home to take care of her mother.

as i was watching the scene early on where all the students are separated, and the good boys come out and do all the sword tricks, i sorta came to a realization.

this is a queer allegory, right? am i insane for thinking that? like, this is just But I'm a Cheerleader. the way the boys and girls in the school for good are separated to strictly, forced into these masculine or feminine roles, it's almost satirical.

and the whole movie is satirical, right? it feels like it's trying to be, at least. it's sorta campy and very clearly poking fun at these fairy tale cliches. which can be annoying sometimes, like in Enchanted, but i think this movie does a good enough job of embracing the absurdity of it all without coming off as down-right laughable and corny.

however i still thought there were problems with the tone of the film. they're trying to balance this whimsical, quirky fantasy story with like, high-stakes mature aspects that don't work very well imo. like, a kid gets turned into a bird monster and then killed by another kid who doesnt recognize the monster as him. the kid just dies. this other kid, tedros, just murdered an innocent person. but the story really wants you to like tedros, and really wants agatha to like tedros (even though shes clearly a lesbian but I'll get into that later....) so he never faces any meaningful consequences and never meaningfully changes. agatha is mad at him for like, two scenes.

another example is the weird "love" going on between sophia and the centuries-old evil big bad guy. was this necessary? could he not have just been manipulative and creepy without passionately making out with her in the climax? the actor even looks older than her, the character is supposed to be immortal and young but he looks like hes in his early-to-mid twenties while sophia is clearly a teenager. and im not saying that just because the movie is depicting this sort of relationship, that makes the movie problematic or anything. I'm saying it really, really does not fit in with the tone of the movie. depicting this sort of predatory relationship in a movie for teenagers could be really good, a way to warn the younger audience about relationships with older partners, but that requires much more commentary and critique than this film is even allowed to provide. the movie is already TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG, adding in a subplot about an abusive predatory relationship wouldve just overstuffed it even more. so why even bother if you're just going to half-ass it? what's the point? to make the story more mature? it's about fairy tales and folklore and a magic school, it doesn't have to be dark and edgy.

but at least, i said as i was watching it, they were still seemingly trying to critique all of these things. I kept watching, hoping that this would all be resolved, and they would come to the obvious conclusion that separating children into these two factions benefits nobody and the whole concept should be gotten rid of. and also, sophia and agatha should kiss.

the entire movie these two were in love, i swear I'm not pulling this out of my ass. the way that they only ever had each other, and they were always doing things for each other, and they always had each other in mind. the movie sets up this whole idea of true love's kiss, and in typical young adult fantasy fashion sophia scrambles to find a guy to magically fall in love with, and agatha helps her. and it just felt so clear to me that logically sophia should just kiss agatha. all of this movie's sins would have been forgiven, if it was just sapphic.

and guess what. they do kiss. in the most unsatisfying way possible.

in the climax, evil big bad makes out with sophia, and the whole school starts to be destroyed and it's the apocalypse or whatever, and agatha comes to save sophia, obviously. evil big bad tries to impale agatha with a giant magic quill, sophia pushes agatha out of the way and gets impaled instead. tedros tries to kill evil big bad with excalibur, fails. sophia, with her last ounce of strength, levitates the sword into agatha's hands so she can slay the evil big bad, and agatha succeeds. agatha goes to sophia, bleeding out on the ground, cries over her dying body. sophia confesses her love for agatha, agatha reciprocates. AGATHA KISSES SOPHIA ON THE LIPS. SOPHIA IS REVIVED BY TRUE LOVES KISS. I was ecstatic.

and then.. sophia calls agatha her best friend. sophia offers to leave agatha at the school with tedros and watch over agatha's mother for her. agatha almost agrees, goes over to tedros and fully kisses him on the lips, then says she cant leave her best friend. the movie says "what's greater than the love between two best friends". they go back home, holding hands. I'm devastated.

they don't get rid of the schools for good and evil. at the end, theyre just switched, and they just decide it's okay for good students and evil students to be friends.

and that's the movie. in a word, disappointing. it couldve been so much more, it set up all these cool things, all of the pieces were there, but in the end they just ended up scrambling the whole puzzle. it's just so frustrating. I'm sure someone else could give a much better analysis of the things this movie gets wrong, and a tumblr post probably isnt the best outlet for this sort of thing, but I had to put this somewhere. if you actually read this far, thanks, if you read this far and you still love the movie, thank you sincerely for listening to my ramble.

#this is so rambly im sorry #just very strange #if you like the movie im fine with that i see the appeal #yes im getting very upset over this movie for 14 year olds but whatever #school for good and evil #the school for good and evil #sfgae

18 notes · View notes

d-lude · 4 months

Text

ALL OF MY OCS TO EVER EXIST

beware. long post. i have a lot of ocs

agreza - it/its. an eldritch abomination trying to disguise itself as an angel.

alea - fae/faer. a celestial being who’s longed to explore the earth.

aleron - they/xe. a 16-year-old knight in a dystopian world set in the year 2608. the villain of their own story.

alter ego - they/them. a shapeshifter. also the younger sibling of gossip, but somehow more powerful than it. also knows some human languages.

apocalypse dreams - she/her. an angel who struggles with nightmares about something changing, for the worse.

araceli - he/him. a sweet yet airheaded cleric who tries his best. the twin brother of seren. he’s also thorn’s love interest, although he’s oblivious to that.

bion: he/they/it. an attack robot who malfunctioned and decided to live a peaceful life as a florist.

booker: they/them. the receptionist of the underworld. once you’re checked in, you can’t leave.

borderline: it/its. a shell of what once was a human being who had issues with the passing of time and always was simultaneously living on the edge and bored with its everyday life. the repitition of the same events every day led to it losing its soul and emotions, feeling numb to literally everything.

calchas - they/them. a traveling mage. the great sage of the paper trail comic.

cecile - any pronouns. a stubborn mage who doesnt quite know how to let their guard down.

chev - any pronouns. aleron's ancestor, the queen's most loyal knight.

coraso - they/them. deltarune oc. the ace of hearts who is an absolute flirt. rouxls kaard’s cousin.

diamonte - she/her. deltarune oc. the ace of diamonds who doesnt know how to have fun. she’s immune to coraso’s attempts to flirt with her…. or is she?

echo - he/him. a young seer who is "guided" by polyeidus.

estella/riven - she/it. a thief who broke the sky and woke up some things that probably should have stayed asleep.

glimmer - he/she. a human. was the best friend of borderline before it went off the edge. fell victim to gossip and was deafened.

gossip - it/its. a shapeshifter. also a telepathic communicator. older sibling of alter ego. doesn't know human languages, but tries to blend in with humans as one, just so it can talk to someone. unfortunately, it accidentally kills (or deafens) people while trying to do so. does it know, though? no.

idris - he/she. a computer program who keeps computer viruses as pets. unaware that the viruses are actually harmful (despite being a program, he is not a tron oc!!)

imogen - she/her. an absolute disaster who uses “be gay do crime” as her #1 rule in life

izotz - it/its. an angel of ice. polyeidus has been attempting to seal it for millennia because it keeps trying to mess up the timeline.

jake - he/him. works in the editing department of a cartoon studio. he’s simultaneously the weird gay uncle and the dad friend.

lora - she/her. a really laid-back elf who’s constantly daydreaming

mace - he/it. deltarune oc. the ace of clubs. he tries to act dramatic, but it always ends up looking like a big goof.

mēdeia - she/her. a sound-bending witch who was once a queen. exists in the same world as aleron.

nangs - he/it. an exiled siren, who taunts alloromantic people.

newperson - he/him. just some guy (he is Not just Some Guy)

nova/rebel/star - xe/xem. a knight with telekinetic powers. surely this wont be an issue at all!!!!!!

nyx - they/he. tron oc. a hyperactive medic program who (occasionally) works for clu.

paros - they/them. tron oc. a security program who’s been around since the 80s. who even knows how they havent been derezzed yet?

phantom - he/him. i have put this guy through The Horrors

polyeidus - they/them. a seer, an angel, and quite possibly all of your worst nightmares.

renata - she/they/it. a cyborg who’s been stuck in the same place her whole life, being unable to move. they cant quite remember who it is…

rue - he/him. a reborn curse who wants to cast off his own face once more.

seren - she/her. an imp who think’s she’s cooler than everyone. behind that constant neutral face, however, she’s plotting mischievous deeds.

starshine - they/she. an assassin who isnt exactly very good at their job.

tetra - he/she. renata’s only friend. his morals are questionable, though.

thorn - he/they. gayest pop star ever. the main hero of the paper trail au comic.

tyce - he/him. a ghost haunting an abandoned theater. literally the only cishet character on this list.

urlo - they/it. deltarune chapter 2 oc. a teleporting robot representing links. occasionally helps a certain puppet salesman.

velocity - any pronouns. an extremely glitchy architect.

wren - it/its. a seemingly helpful spirit. tyce’s younger sibling.

zenith - he/him. the self-appointed leader of a group of vigilantes.

zima - he/it/xe. a fey who lives in the tundra, which is... probably not the best place for a fey to live.

#my stuff #my ocs

1 note · View note

sinceileftyoublog · 1 year

Text

Ryuichi Sakamoto Album Review: 12

Album art by Lee Ufan

(Milan)

BY JORDAN MAINZER

After async, legendary Japanese composer Ryuichi Sakamoto spent time doing film soundtracks and commissions and, unfortunately, receiving treatment for a recurrence of cancer. (He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2015, rectal cancer in 2021.) His remarkable new album 12, then, is the ultimate freedom of expression. Written not for another medium but entirely for himself, the dozen compositions were recorded in Tokyo while he was recovering from treatment. They’re dated and presented largely in chronological order, understated, diaristic synth sketches that proved to be as healing for Sakamoto as they are moving for us to listen to. Really, these songs are like a diary: Some are months apart, the first time Sakamoto revisited his piano and synthesizer in a long while, and others were put to tape on consecutive days. You don’t so much wonder where Sakamoto was in his recovery process or mental state of mind when making the songs; rather, you, like Sakamoto, appreciate the mix between referential sounds and abstract textures, between the tactile nature of the piano keys and the otherworldly hum of the synths. 12 envelops all.

The first half of 12 is generally longer-form pieces, the latter half closer to vignettes. Either way, it’s clear that Sakamoto is living in the moment, almost letting his instruments lead his hands and mind. The gradually rising, stubbly synths of “20210310″ go high and low, delving at times into complete quiet, whereas the palpable echo of the piano on “20211130″ makes the music comparatively tangible. Sure, you’re reminded of the human being behind the instruments and compositions on “20211201″, where you can hear Sakamoto’s breaths, the ultimate differentiator between life and death. But then it’s the synthesizers that take on an almost vocal-like character on the dark “20220214″; it reminds me of Johann Johannsson’s Drone Mass, swelling orchestrally when contrasted with light ripples of sound.

Intentionally or not, a few of the tracks on 12 are simply haunting, especially in the context of Sakamoto’s health. The layered slabs of synth on “2022020″ are borderline metallic and dystopian. On “20220207″, Sakomoto plays a repeated piano line with one hand, flourishes with the other, recalling his film scores, but the electroacoustic nature of the synths present it from being cinematic, the emanating sounds more like the inside of a hospital than anything else. Most emotive is “20220123″, which contrasts sprinkles of piano with decaying synthesizers, a too-perfect metaphor for the coming and going of energy we all feel, but especially those who are sick or dying. If it felt like albums like Blackstar or You Want It Darker were known final statements from some of the greatest artists of our time, 12 is even more prescient. That is, it’s the sound of a man who simply knows that he’s going to die, maybe someday soon, maybe not, but that it’s nonetheless important to document his creative prowess while he still can.

#album review #ryuichi sakamoto #milan #12 #lee ufan #milan records #async #johann johannsson #drone mass #blackstar #you want it darker

3 notes · View notes

sunnis-shinis · 4 months

Text

i wish the societal worldbuilding in wof was more... idk fucked up? weird? borderline dystopian? wacky? ripe for causing conflict? dont get me wrong, i loved book 14 a lot, and snowfall destroying the great ice wall and the gift of order felt appropriate for her arc, but i feel like it took away a lot of the appeal of icewing society the thing i liked about icewing society was the classism, elitism, and the rankings, and now it just feels kinda... hollow, idk i may make my own headcannons for worldbuilding when i get to rereading the books

1 note · View note

veritymysticmagic · 9 months

Text

Musings on SciFi and Subhumanism

So I have to admit something. I actually really hate SciFi

BUT I can't stop going back to it as a genre.

As a genre SciFi is just what it is, Science Fiction. And usually its simply fiction that has a futuristic setting. I say this because I feel that it has some tropes that are pretty common within the genre. Like a lot of SciFi leans dystopic or is used to criticize a modern day political issue (or be a metaphor for a modern day issue). But most importantly very few SciFi stories end with a happy "fairy tale" ending where the guy gets the princess and all that. There are obviously tons of exceptions but some are borderline parodies or are seen as "casual" SciFi (ie. Star Wars)

But that to me is exactly why I don't engage with alot of SciFi. A lot of them are very depressing or are very much focused on modern day issues. This in turn I feel makes a lot of the major SciFi works become same-y or are unwilling to push the boundaries of quite frankly a very loose and flexible genre. I think most of my feelings on this comes from the popularity and publicity of dystopian SciFi (Hunger Games, Handmaid's Tale, etc.) Basically I don't like them because they are often depressing for everyone and represents the end of society EXCEPT for mayyyyybe the main character. And even if the MC gets a good ending we don't necessarily see the fallout of that and instead are left musing.

This is why in my opinion SciFi isn't just about criticism of politics but it is ALSO a representation of human will and the continuation to live on. (I feel like a possible comparison is Fallout vs Borderlands, one has at least some hope while the other feels like a drugged up shoot fest for the fucked up parts of humanity). Like I want to see SciFi stories that are closer to how we treat medieval fantasy and I feel that some recent works are going that way. Yes please continue to criticize humanity but also give us and SHOW us some hope please (I absolutely adore Kill One Billion Demons for doing this so well)

I absolutely love the idea of SciFi but I apologize if I struggle to watch movies or read books because they just end depressing and in utter hopelessness. (I will say that Alien is an incredible movie, highly recommend, and I loved Gattaca tho I really don't like Hunger Games,Handmaid's Tale,The Giver)

This is my transition to my next point into a subgenre that is not exclusive to SciFi but is often associated with SciFi = Subhumanism. This subgenre explores the horror of being subhuman and the depiction of subhuman. An easy example are zombies and weird science experiments. For some the horror comes from the idea of changing and becoming a zombie. But I believe the horror comes from empathy we feel when we see a changed human, the wonder of what happened and feeling that person's pain. Its all quite horrifying.

Nevertheless its a weird interest of mines, and to me a compelling use of subhumanism is to pull on that empathy that makes you feel the pain of the other. There are actually quite alot of movies that use subhumanism, but I feel that many are used to pull our empathy strings but some I feel focus more on robots as or are used as a gimmick. That being said, I feel the best example of this trope is in I Have no Mouth and Cannot Scream, a horrifying tale that is nonetheless absolutely compelling.

And it to me is the epitome of the SciFi I want to create. Something so horrifying and gut wrenchingly awful and yet there is a glimmer of hope at the end. While its not the SciFi story I would write, I definitely see myself getting inspired by it.

I want a SciFi story that is about love and adventure without necessarily being about depression and overt political criticism (yes keep the criticism but you don't have to smack me in the head with it! this is why I feel some SciFi has ironically aged badly and requires revisions, especially since a majority of these works are written by white men) I want to see more SciFi about human hope and will, just push the genre further into more heights.

This is just my rambling, I am sure one can find dozens of examples of what I am looking for, but these are just my musings and thoughts on the whole thing.

0 notes

claercos · 1 year

Text

it's may. time is not real but the effect of it is. the years are passing through me and nothing seems to change, yet everything is different. the world is worse. it's not me. i feel the same as i was when i was thirteen. everything else has gotten worse and now i have to enter my mid twenties in this borderline dystopian era. i try and work and it feels like it's amounting to nothing. i just want a simple existence and that seems to be the hardest thing now. is this all it is?

0 notes

serialcomposer · 2 years

Text

Being able to deliver what is, at some points, borderline unintelligible dialogue with such conviction that it feels naturalistic and still gets the point accross; fucking marvelous acting.

1 note · View note

bitcofun · 2 years

Text

It's not an excellent day to be in crypto. Possibly you've seen a post (or 20) about this. Possibly you've been on Twitter, where our critics are babbling happily over every heading, every one more harbinger-of-doom-esque than the next. To be reasonable, things are going severely. Crashed, collapsed, removed, plunged, eliminated and imploded are the personnel verbs in a lot of protection, and they're not being utilized improperly or in an overstated way. There's no putting a favorable spin on a week where $400 billion in worth simply vaporized Even for the most intensely figured out buy-the-dippers and diamond-handed followers who feed off critics and never ever state die, it's alarming out there. I'm not thinking about making a case for purchasing the dip or for dipping out permanently and entering into, state, stockpiling gold bars in an underground bunker. I do see this feral, mad, wild bear market we discover ourselves careening through as a chance for some much-needed course correction. I've argued prior to that the crypto area at big has actually lost the plot, abandoning the borderline innovative capacity of decentralized financing for an unavoidable crowd of stupid-looking monkeys. I'm not the only individual in crypto who feels in this manner, not to mention the most popular. Vitalik Buterin made comparable points in his widely-read profile in the March 2022 problem of Time publication. As crypto has actually skyrocketed in worth and volume, Vitalik Buterin has actually viewed the world he produced develop with a mix of pride and fear, composes @andrewrchow" Crypto itself has a great deal of dystopian possible if carried out incorrect," @VitalikButerin informs TIME https://t.co/fsvL4Mx9uE-- TIME (@TIME) March 21, 2022 Comeuppances and repercussions Twitter is never ever an excellent sample audience, however offered the sorry state of crypto's public track record, it's not abstruse and even unanticipated that this crash is being met derision and schadenfreude by individuals outside the area. From widespread frauds to unsightly nonfungible tokens (NFT) to carbon-spewing mining, we've provided the outdoors world a lot of factor to not just be hesitant of crypto. Lots of people still believe we're a lot of unappetizing brothers fighting on an uncontrolled stock exchange replica whose comeuppance has actually shown up. Even prior to this crash, some authors and publications honestly hypothesized that a crypto bubble burst would press a group of primarily male, freshly broken, and deeply disillusioned individuals towards fascism and far from democratic worths and, by extension, society. Related: In defense of crypto: Why digital currencies are worthy of a much better credibility Whether or not you concur with that point-- and I definitely do not-- it speaks with the alarming state of crypto's public image. Something has actually gone badly awry when reporters at fairly well-read political publications, nevertheless prejudiced, are making from another location engaging arguments for a crypto-to-fascism pipeline. Perhaps I'm yelling into deep space here, considered that the lack of guideline is mostly the point of crypto, and uncontrolled areas will constantly and undoubtedly reproduce bad stars. Individuals, we've definitely got to get it together. Holding ourselves to a greater requirement Let's do something fascinating with crypto. Let's utilize crypto to make individuals's lives much better and more pleasurable and much easier. Let's stop investing ungodly quantities of cash on NFT tasks that exist just to exist and, in many cases, ultimately crash. It's not even about civic obligation or selflessness. When did we end up being so unambitious? When did we end up being so self-involved, encouraged just by revenue, and interested just in fixing insular issues? When did we end up being so extremely boring? In crypto's infancy, the state of mind was favorably utopian. Now it's anything however, even amongst individuals who were when real followers.

Are we genuinely so quickly swayed? Related: NFTs: Empowering artists and charities to welcome the digital motion Post-crash crypto should be much better and smarter and more innovative. We need to be buying jobs and coins that make it possible for a regenerative economy, support our much-needed natural communities, make our cities smarter and more resistant, foster green energy, enhance supply chains, and suit routine individuals's financial investment portfolios. We must be believing larger. I understand recommending such a thing is a fool's objective, however we ought to perhaps think about cooling it with the yield chasing and the imagine rags to riches without the work. We must find out methods to different crypto more meaningfully from the impulses of the stock exchange, which is a big part of how we wound up in this disaster of a crash. Aren't we expected to get rid of the intermediaries who have drawn out a lot worth from the little person? We're not here to develop a brand-new Wall Street developed to make abundant experts richer. The crash isn't anybody's fault, so to speak. Our track record and the individuals thrilling in what they see as the possible death of decentralized financing? We did that to ourselves. When we come out the opposite, let's progress with real objective. It's the only method we get to mass adoption. And it's the only method we'll make it through. This post does not consist of financial investment guidance or suggestions. Every financial investment and trading relocation includes threat, and readers ought to perform their own research study when deciding. The views, ideas and viewpoints revealed here are the author's alone and do not always show or represent the views and viewpoints of Cointelegraph. Dominik Schiener is a co-founder of the Iota Foundation, a not-for-profit structure based in Berlin. He manages collaborations and the general awareness of the job's vision. Iota is a dispersed journal innovation for the Internet of Things and is a cryptocurrency. In addition, he won the biggest blockchain hackathon in Shanghai. For the previous 2 years, he has actually been concentrated on allowing the device economy through Iota. Read More

0 notes

nezumasa · 9 months

Text

I feel like my takes on characters and fiction wouldn’t be so weird and sometimes borderline dystopian if majority of times I sought help (including people who are paid to help me with problems) hadn’t ended poorly. Or if my immediate family wasn’t like super fucked up.

I just don’t see happiness lasting unless it’s weird and fucked up.

0 notes

allandoflimbo · 3 years

Text

Ashens (Part 24)

Summary: She falls in love with Bucky Barnes from the moment she sees him. Bucky, still in love with a woman from his past, hates Y/N and plans to make her life miserable. To both their dismay, they are assigned together to go undercover into The Capitol for six months. There, they develop a heartbreaking friend with benefits agreement. Dystopian.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 4,700

Rating: M for Mature, E for explicit. Enemies to lovers trope, sharing a bed trope, friends with benefits trope, temporarily unrequited love, heavy and angry sex, heavy on the angst, and very strong language.

Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice

“…I’m in the military, sir…”

“…James, that’s my father, okay? If anything, let’s just be glad he didn’t kill you. He’s like that with everyone…And the soldier thing, he’s weird about that. I’m not sure why…”

Bucky lies awake in bed, fluffy pillow behind his head and one leg peeking out from the blankets, as random memories knack away at his brain in pulses. They weren’t new memories, but they were memories that he never looked at the way he was now.

He doesn’t know why now, he doesn’t know what triggered it, but they were clicking together.

After years of replaying the same moments in his head, there was a nagging feeling that was telling him that there was something not adding up.

He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s seeing things differently, if he’s feeling things differently.

Whatever it was, he knew there was something…off.

There was something off about Daisy’s story about her dad’s story, something was off about the way he was against Bucky fighting in the military, and her death was coinciding so much with his capture.

He doesn’t like the feeling in his stomach as he remembers.

When Bucky asked about her brother and what that whole commotion back at the club was she was blatantly honest with him.

“My father’s not a good guy. He’s been wanting some something from one of these performers that was suppose to be there last night, but turns out they weren’t even on the set list. He had lied about it, we don’t know where he is.”

Bucky raises a brow at this, “You do his dirty work for him?”

“No, I don’t like to get involved in that. It’s a dangerous lifestyle. I have to think about my future family. I was only there yesterday because my brother wanted to get me out of the house for once.”

Bucky isn’t too gleam on the fact that her family are borderline criminals and that she basically supports it, and for a fraction of a second he almost doesn’t buy it, but he decides to mention this later on, not wanting to ruin their moment.

Bucky shifts his leg as he continues to remember that conversation. Why was he not against it? Why did he never question the crimes? Was he that distracted by her?

Bucky smiles at her comment, but then his brows furrowed together in an adorable way that made Daisy giggle and bring her hand to his cheek, “What is it, James?”

What is it, James?

Bucky looks over to see you laying next to him, sat up with your back against the headboard reading some book with a beige cover.

You hadn’t taken notice of his self discomfort yet, emerged in your reading, tucking your bottom lip into your mouth.

Why was he remembering all of this now? Why was he feeling sick?

When they pulled away she slowly dragged her thumb across his plump bottom lip. He watched her like she was the most gorgeous and interesting thing on the planet.

“James?” He responded with a sound on confirmation and she continued, “do you think we are moving too fast?”

He grabbed her hand that was on his face and for a fraction of a moment she thought that that was it, they were over. This was clearly too unrealistic. But instead he brought her hand up over both his lips and he kissed her gingerly.

“Yes.” He whispered behind her hand, making sure he was making direct eye contact with her.

Her face dropped. “Yes?” Her voice was worried, cautious.

He started trailing kisses down her hand, her wrist, her forearms. He leaned down and kissed the side of her neck making her groan.

It wasn’t that Daisy didn’t like being pampered but she wanted to take this very seriously. With a reluctant sigh - because what he was doing to her flesh just felt so good - she delicately removes her arm from Bucky’s grasp. He narrowed his eyes as she moved away towards the head board, suddenly wondering if maybe he said the wrong thing.

Her eyes trickled his features and down his perfect little nose.

“I knew it since the moment I laid my eyes on you. That’s how you know it’s real. This isn’t crazy, it’s ludicrous. But it works for us. I want to be with you.”

After his little speech Daisy looked him dead in the eye, not batting one lash.

“Then come have dinner with my family.”

Was it too fast? He had barely known her and she was asking him to meet her family. Criminals.

But why would she give away such dire information if it were true?

Bucky sat up slowly, as if if he were to move too quickly, the bed would collapse underneath him.

His eyes had a far away look in him, and he was as pale as he felt.

You feel him shift and your eyes flicker up to him.

You frown.

Her blue eyes glisten with gentle tears, probably thinking the same exact thing. None of it still feels real.

Her, she, doesn’t feel real.

They spent nearly every night together just talking about what Bucky would do when he came back home after camp. Things like how they would have to go see the stars on the back of an outskirts farmhouse, how they would have to go to every club in the city and laugh their night away, how he would take her to coney island with him and Steve and show her a “good time” on the ferris wheel, and how they would definitely have to meet her family.

“They’re great, you’ll love them.” She had said as they laid in bed together just hours before, merely cuddling with clothes on.

“Oh, come on doll, even your Dad?”

Daisy hesitated for a moment and her hand that was rubbing his chest stopped suddenly.

Bucky noted this and they met eyes.

Bucky feels his heart palpitate and he opens and closes his right hand, sitting up.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” You ask softly, closing your book.

“Dad has been gone for four weeks and I don’t know why. Jimmy has gone with him- it’s just me and mother. I overheard her saying something about Germany but I’m not quite sure.. Or maybe it was something else. Though none of that matters to me, James- I want you. Please come home to me.”

For some reason, a chill ran down his back as he reread the words “something about Germany”.

Like an awful memory that has never happened, he sees a child in front of him. It was a little girl and she screamed in agony for mercy. She was getting strangled to death by his own hand, a silver glint caught his eye-

“James!”

“Bucky.”

Your voice pulls him out of his trance for just a moment.

He looks up to you, your eyes interlacing in a silent conversation of understanding.

He was revealing something to himself and you could tell that whatever that was it was leaving him overcome by feelings.

At the end of the day, he knows that he’s just insanely protective of Steve. Which is why his arm instinctively goes around him when Rogers almost gets hit by a speeding vehicle that abruptly stops to halt in front of them on the curb. With his mind far away, he hadn’t realized they were already standing on the sidewalk in front of one bright sign labeled Cotton Club.

Had Bucky known better, he would’ve had him on his left.

After that introduction, the two boys look over to the object that almost killed them.

It was pure black, the countless lights coming from the surrounding buildings and cars bouncing off its surface. The rain must’ve made it even shinier, the lights made a reflection so bright that it had everyone staring. Men looked in awe and a young paper boy, standing on the corner working over time, wondered if that would someday be his future.

With a look of disgust, Steve was repulsed by the obscurity of the man’s driving having nearly hit him. He wondered why people had no respect and he desperately wanted to punch his face in. Either that or give him a pep talk about general safety.

“What a twit.” He snarls, dusting off his small suspenders and kicking the invisible debris off his lapels.

Bucky’s face held something different. It explained why the woman staring had looked on in pure jealousy. He stared forward completely emotionless. He was neither annoyed at the fact that he almost just got run over and killed and nor in obsession over the Duesenberg J.

It was the beautiful goddess emerging from the passenger seat that caught his full attention.

On her left hand was a pearl and diamond bracelet and she used it to skim over the top of the priceless car door for leverage to push herself gracefully up from the leather seat. Her other hand was wrapped up in a prestige white glove. It held onto the hem of her silver sparkling gown, a long white cigar between her digits. Her gorgeous dress looked heavy, you could tell it was so properly made and expensive because it must’ve weighed as much as her petite self. The reason being that it hugged her body at just the perfect places, showing off her curves gracefully.

Her perfect blonde hair was pulled slick back by a diamond hair clip to the side in huge voluminous waves. The dress showed just enough back, the material dipping down towards the floor, the dip ending just above her bottom. The entire thing was held by two tiny silver straps on her shoulders.

In a sentimental Mood by Duke Ellington seemed to have played perfectly in sync with the exact moment she shut the door behind her. She looked up to read the sign, her perfect profile looking up in awe.

Bucky stands up from the bed, back rigid and face hard with anger.

No.

It couldn’t be.

He swallows thickly, gaze going towards you again.

He doesn’t know why he keeps looking at you.

Ironically, beneath his anger and betrayal, he also began to feel embarrassment.

He’s momentarily startled out of his trance when he feels a small hand grab his elbow. He looks down and his eyes meet a small concerned Steve. Well, to be fairly honestly, he looked more pissed than concerned.

Bucky doesn’t feel the patience to deal with talking anything out, he’s too busy thinking about Daisy. But he feels like he should at least say something so he can get everyone off his back, “What is it?”

Steve looks at him likes he’s crazy and then manically gestures towards the entrance of the club, probably pointing to where Daisy just left through.

“Bucky, what the heck was that? Who was that? You know her?”

“I didn’t know her. No.” Bucky doesn’t realize he’s saying it out loud.

He’s shaking his head to himself, mumbling.

“Bucky, who are you talking to?” You’re growing even more concerned by the second now.

The silence was broken by his strong voice.

“You’re real.”

She smiles in a way that makes him smile too. It was contagious and bright. He caresses her skin one more time.

He felt her own hand come over his and she whispers, “I’m real.”

“Not real.”

You are more than concerned at this point.

“What are you talking about?”

“Maybe it was the fact that my body had finally developed into a women’s body. My breasts were now fully perked and my legs were long and porcelain gorgeous; all I knew was they figured I could be put to good use.”

He shook his head and Bucky blinked away heavy tears.“I-“

The pretty woman rolled her eyes and crossed her legs, revealing a long slit that ran up her dress. It was just enough skin for Bucky’s hand to get sweaty.

He waited until the perfect opportunity when the man had walked towards the direction of the stage, making his way into the back behind the curtain.

“It wasn’t real.”

“You do his dirty work for him?”

“It wasn’t real.”

“My father’s not a good guy.”

Bucky remembers them poking him with IV drops and then sticking his head in a blender. His owns screams fill his head. It was so painful.

“Reason unknown, ongoing investigation"

“I wasn’t going to let you keep her. She enticed you. She won you. It was always supposed to be you.”

“…blonde 21 year old was found shot…”

“Daisy,” he whispered. He traced her features with his hand, and just like that the fear escaped his eyes, and instead of scared he was now feeling complete love and he was ready because knew this is what he wanted forever. He wanted her, “Will you marry me?”

“…Her family has been under investigation after her father’s disappearance —…”

“But you jeopardized it, Soldat. It wasn’t real.”

The memories are sucked out of him like a vacuum and his dark eyes meet yours, again, across the bed.

You had never seen his pupils so blown before.

You were terrified.

Your eyes go down to his flesh hand that is twitching against his thigh.

“Bucky.” You say cautiously, one more time. It was almost like you were afraid to get closer to him.

“I—“ his voice was hoarse.

He looks away and clears his throat. He blinks away the heavy daze, allowing it all to sink in until it settles in his stomach in a surprising pool of acceptance.

He sees you again and for some reason he feels okay.

It scares him.

It scared him how you took something that had been bothering him for so long, away that quickly.

In that moment he knows.

“I remembered something.” Your eyebrows came together suddenly. Nearly moments ago he looked heartbroken but now he just looked shocked and angry.

“What did you remember? I thought you had your memories back. In Wakanda.”

“I-I did,” he squeaks out running a hand through his hair, “maybe I’m just remembering differently, or adding pieces together, I don’t know, I can’t tell. It has to be, because it makes sense. It makes so much sense now, and I can’t—and she—”

“Bucky you’re rambling,” he stops and you continue to look at each other. His face drops all traces of anger and it softens, “Talk to me, I’m right here.” You whisper.

Bucky looks down at you and nods. No hesitancy.

“Give me your hands.” You say, reaching for him. He doesn’t hold back from doing so, and once you have his hands in yours, you pull him up onto the bed so he’s kneeling on it next to you.

Bucky takes a few minutes to compose himself before he says it:

“I think Daisy and her family were Hydra.” He says it like he’s afraid of his own words.

As if every word in that phrase was a curse word.

Somehow, it relieves him.

His chest feels light, shoulders worn. He can breathe.

+ + +

“I should’ve known it was too fast. Too perfect,” you’re also stunned as he tells you everything, his hands still in yours, “but—but I don’t think she was always hydra. I think she wanted out when I was captured and they killed her for it.”

You don’t deny it, that hurts. Despite never knowing the girl and secretly holding envy for her, it pains you.

“Oh, Bucky.”

He shakes his head, eyebrows furrowing together.

“But it was a lie. She enticed me, she fucking—“ Bucky sucks in a deep breath, “she was trying to lure me in. There was nothing real about it.” He says the word like it’s venom on his lips.

You feel him rub his thumb over the back of your hand.

“You don’t know that -”

He shakes his head again, “She was Hydra!” He doesn’t say it angrily as much as he says it in a way to announce it to himself.

He needed to say it out loud. He needed to let it sink in.

You watch Bucky as he becomes completely numb, and somehow free, in front of you.

For some reason you expected more heartbreak from him for discovering something so horrible about a woman he claimed he loved so much, a woman he wanted to marry, but instead all you got from him was anger and acceptance.

Little did you know, Bucky was in the same boat as you.

Why wasn’t he as heat shattered as he’d expect?

“I-“ he’s speechless as he looks around, trying to find something, but he does’t know what.

You think you’re more shocked than him and you quickly grab his arm, bringing him against you for a tight hug.

He hugs you back immediately, hand running up your shoulder blade and onto the back of your hair.

Minutes pass by. Many minutes.

“It was all a lie,” he whispers still holding onto. you, “All of it. I really was alone. I thought I finally had someone, but—It wasn’t real.”

You don’t know what to say as you run your hand up the back of his head.

It’s not until you pull him in tighter that he realizes it.

It was you.

You were there reason this didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. His heart no longer wanted to be with someone who was long gone.

It wanted to stay here.

Here.

He never thought he would ever feel this way ever again, and he never thought he would trust this hard ever again.

Realizing truth relived him of buried pain, and he wanted you to keep holding him, to keep helping him go through this.

He says your name softly.

“Yes?”

“I want to talk about everything.”

You stiffen for a moment as you let his words sink in. You weren’t exactly sure what he was talking about.

“What are you talking about?” You ask.

“All of it. Everything that I did. I need to get it out, I can’t keep doing this, holding it in, keeping it inside —”

The euphoria through your blood is addicting.

“Tell me.”

He loved slow dancing.

He loved the Yankees.

He loved math and Howard Stark.

He went to the Stark Expo every year.

He loved The Hobbit and he loved jazz.

He loved New York City.

He loved Brooklyn the most.

He misses flat hats.

He loved telling jokes.

His mother died when he was young.

His sister was taken away from him.

He cried when he couldn’t see her.

His father died not too long after.

He never enlisted despite his love for the military.

He was drafted.

He experienced World War II but on the enemy side.

He fought with Hitler’s and Hydra’s men.

He was loved by the KGB.

He loved Prague.

He trained the girls in the red room.

He remembers every young girl.

He was told to kill four kids on a mission once in Bucharest.

He was tormented, beaten raw, and kept in a concrete cell between cryo periods.

He was only occasionally fed, most years spent asleep.

He was treated like an animal. They tied him to the wall once in the cell, with a chain around his neck.

He was brain washed.

He was sexually assaulted by Hydra.

He doesn’t remember if he was raped, which could be his brain’s way of protecting himself from more trauma.

He reminds you that loved Howard Stark.

He killed Howard Stark.

He killed Maria Stark.

He was the one that stole the super soldier serum from the Stark’s and provided it to Hydra.

He was the fist of Hydra.

He killed many other good men. Over two dozen assassinations.

He killed JFK.

He never wanted to do any of it.

He remembers all of it.

They named him a hero on the Wall of Valor before S.H.I.E.L.D fell.

He was taken into Wakanda, freed of his trigger words.

He still loved New York City.

He was pardon him, despite everything.

They named him an Avenger.

He remembers it all.

You’re laying down facing each other and you continue to watch him as he tells you everything.

It’s one of the most surreal experiences of your life and you find yourself in total awe.

This was the Bucky Barnes you had been longing to see. This was the man you knew was hidden beneath layers of hurt and anger.

You had seen it before he even told you.

The fact that he even trusted you enough to be this transparent with you is what makes you so happy.

His eyes brightened as he played with a string on the blanket between you.

“And Friends,” his voice is small and there’s a little smile on his mouth. Your heart swells as you watch it, “I love Friends.”

You bite your tongue as you smile.

Bucky stared at you, just as amazed at himself as he was at you. He couldn’t believe he told it all to you.

It was as if Daisy’s image had begun to dissolve and he was finally seeing clearly.

He didn’t hate you. He never hated you.

His fingers peak out slowly to take a hold of your pinky.

It was the opposite. He wanted you.

He feels himself breaking when you pull away from his touch. His smile falls.

“I’m proud of you,” you say quietly, sitting up again, “For finally talking about it.” You mean it, “Thank you.”

It takes him a few seconds to eventually look away and he turns onto his back. Bucky drapes an arm over his stomach, letting out a long breath of contentment.

He felt free.

To do what?

He looks over at you again as you pull your book back out.

This. This is what freedom got him. You.

But it you weren’t his. He clears his throat.

“How are things with your boyfriend?”

You don’t like talking about Pietro with Bucky.

“It’s fine,” you answer anyway, “We only had one date. And I got sick, so hopefully the next one will be better.”

Bucky swallows thickly. Why was he feeling like this? He should be happy for you. You wanted this. You deserved this.

“What do you plan to do when it’s time for us both to leave and go back?” He asks.

You don’t miss the way he mentions both of you to leave and your eyes quickly flicker to him.

“I don’t know yet,” you say hoarsely, filled with unexpected relief.

+ + +

Bucky doesn’t remember experiencing this kind of happiness since he was nineteen and him and Steve went to go see a baseball game after scoring a date with two pretty girls on the F train.

He’s happy.

Ashen peaks up at him from behind dark lashes, smiling so hard his eyes peak up at the side, turning them into thin slits. Bucky’s aren’t too far off as he mimics the boy’s laughter.

“Connect four?” Bucky asks, chuckling.

“Yeah, you’ve gotta try it. It’s so fun.” The Ashens says happily, pulling out the little game from underneath his bed. Bucky wants to ask him why he has it hidden, but he doesn’t. He just reminds him that they need to stay quiet, “plus, it’s the only game I have anyway. But it’s fun Mr. Bucky.”

“Haha, alright lets try it.” Bucky says.

They sit across from each other on the floor, setting up the little game and dividing their colored chips. Ashen’s goes first, dropping in a yellow one.

Bucky picks up a red one with his flesh hand and drops it right next to the yellow. They continue for a bit until Ashens notices Bucky isn’t connecting his colors.

“No, you have to try to get a straight line and connect it!” He laughs, “you suck at this."

“Oh, no! What did I do?” Bucky exclaims, laughing.

“You’re not very smart for an Avenger.” Ashens remarks.

“Okay,” Bucky points at him playfully, smiling, “That’s mean.”

“I’m sorry but it is true.”

“Cut me some slack.” Bucky says, smiling.

They play for a little longer until Ashens ends up beating him.

Bucky sticks his tongue out at the boy, but smiles. He eventually caught on to the game and let him win. But he doesn’t need to know that.

“Mr. Bucky,” Ashen says after he slides the game back under his head. He brings his legs up to his chest and hugs them, "Will you tell me now why you are here to save me?”

Bucky licks his lip and sighs. He looks out Ashens' high rise window and then back to him again. “Not yet.”

“Should I be afraid.”

“No. I won’t let anything happen you. I promise.”

Ashens doesn’t say anything as he lets his Mike Wazowski slippers hit each other.

“Do you have any kids? Like my age?”

The question surprises Bucky, and for a moment a feeling of longing hits him. “No. I don’t.”

“Aww okay.”

Bucky stares at Ashens little sad face and his heart breaks.

“I always wanted to, though,” Bucky whispers, “But that was years ago.”

“When you were in world war one?”

Bucky smiles.

“Two, not one, but yeah,” it’s not a lie, Bucky knows that if his loved would’ve went a different way, he would have definitely had kids. To know he could never go back to such simplicity broke his heart, “Something like that.”

There was something, that even so many months later, still bothered Bucky. It was something so small, and it probably didn’t really affect you as much as it affected him, but it was something you said to him.

It was one of your many fights and the way you had spatted at him about buying you plan B after you had sex.

He didn’t want to burden you. What you two had done had been irresponsible. An atmosphere like this was no place and time for an unwanted baby.

You weren’t ready for one, let alone his.

At the time, it wasn’t that he wouldn’t want the baby, if you were to have gotten pregnant, he would have loved that child with everything. He was thinking about you.

He hated to think that he gave you that pill as a gesture to say that he wanted nothing to do with you.

If so, you were wrong.

He wanted you to be happy, just smart.

He cared about you.

And now, possibly more.

As he continues to watch Ashens giggling over his slippers, that feeling of longing washes over Bucky again.

He knows he needs to tell you.

+ + +

You still weren’t feeling well. Maybe it was your nerves. The end of the mission was getting closer by each day and you never expected you’d have to leave with a little kid. You still hadn’t met Ashens, but Bucky says he’s a delight.

Ashens has changed him. You took notice immediately and it made you happy. This whole experience would be good for him.

After Bucky had poured out his heart to you, you knew you needed to get away again. That was the dance now. You get pulled, you take a step back. You couldn’t let yourself go there anymore, no matter how hard it was.

Pietro would be the driving force to help you.

You just wish Bucky would stop doing things that he probably realized he wasn’t even doing. The way he touches your face and your hand, or some times the way he looks at you, was not appropriate for two fuck buddies who stopped…fucking.

You were still convinced that he wanted you two to go your separate ways at the end of this mission. Him indirectly saying he was going to walk out with you made you happy, it could’ve been Ashens that helped him have a change of heart, whatever it was, this thing between you had to dissolve anyway.

You couldn’t keep doing that to himself, even when he would blur your lines.

You really wished he would stop doing that.

That night you after the ball, you were almost sure that he was developing feelings for you - finally - it’s why you tried to get him to finally tell you why the kiss bothered him.

Bucky never told you the truth, and you were too tired to keep digging.

You were glad that was the last time.

It was over. All of it was over.

Your stomach churns again and you decide to make yourself some tea and head to bed.

@snakeeatery17 @utterlyhopeful-fics , @marvelfan1017, @iheartsebastianstan , @annathesillyfriend , @redhairedfeistynerd, @perksofbeingabookworm, @amyrose051, @meegggoooo, @morganclaire4 , @captainchrisstan, @bxndys , @shoesonpointe , @writerwrites, @rainbowkisses31, @lindatreb , @littlemissner98 , @dezzylou24, @ayeitslelee , @hardygal69 , @emmabarnes , @redbarn1995@thequeenreaders@ilovemysupersoldiers@maximumplaidzonknerd@ceapa-mica @s-trawberryv-eins@buckysknifecollections@sobangie@lindatreb@theseuscmander@nervous-plant @wildmoonflower @aya-fay@appreciating-fanfics@kaitlynisinfinite@justreadingfics@kaitieskidmore1 @mrsdancing @everythingiloveandcherish @shinykoalacat @dragongirl31 @kaitlynisinfinite @alwaysclassyeagle

#bucky #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #Bucky Barnes fanfic #Bucky Barnes smut #Bucky Barnes fanfiction #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #tfatws fanfiction #winter soldier fanfic #Bucky Barnes x reader series #enemies to lovers #sharing bed #fwb

196 notes · View notes