Benny: Thanks for not giving up on me, brother.

Dean: Don't give me a reason to.

(im going to throw up)

penny for your thoughts on salmondean codependency ?

Sure. Fair warning it’s long (was longer but I stopped myself.)

I think it’s complicated in a show that’s had so many different showrunners because they’ve all handled Sam and Dean’s relationship very differently. In Kripke’s era (s1-5) there was a romanticization of the bond. Sure there was a lot of in-depth exploration of how they wound up at the place they were at, spoiler alert: it was all because of John and his obsessive crusade to find the demon that killed his wife. That’s all he cared about and as a result, Sam and Dean had to be everything to each other. But Kripke had no intention of dismantling that at any point because he was (and always had been) writing a tragedy. Gamble continued that too. There was no room for anyone else in their lives and it would always just be the two of them against the world. So Cas had to go. Bobby had to go.

(Actually, it's funny because Gamble didn't intend this at the time, her plan was to kill Cas off, but by Edlund creating the masterpiece that is The Man Who Would Be King, he not only saved Cas from being seen as a villain, but he also deepened Dean and Cas' relationship in such a profound way and inextricably linked the two of them emotionally. And since Cas was eventually brought back, that laid the foundation for a lot of what their relationship would become.)

Up until this point, there hadn’t really been any significant dismantling of perhaps the more unhealthy parts of Sam and Dean’s relationship. Enter Carver. He stripped things down and started to explore what drove these characters. What they wanted and why they couldn’t have it. It starts with Dean being mad at Sam for not looking for him in purgatory, which sets up the whole speech in the s8 finale of Sam’s guilt about letting Dean down, but the thing is, Dean was never honest with Sam about his year away either. He never told Sam he could have gotten out much sooner if he hadn’t stayed to find Cas. I mean Dean had assumed Sam was up there alone doing God knows what to try to bring him back, and yet still he stayed in Purgatory because things were clear there. He needed Cas. Anyway, I just find that interesting, but Cas isn’t a victim of Sam and Dean’s relationship in s8.

Who gets the honour of being cast aside? That would be Benny and Amelia, two characters they introduced in s8 specifically to highlight that Sam and Dean’s relationship doesn’t allow for anyone else to be a significant part of their life. I mean that’s nothing new, we’ve watched that happen many times before. Lisa even said as much to Dean. The thing is this time? It’s framed as a truly sad thing. That moment at the end of 8x10 when Dean has just ended things with Benny and Sam leaves Amelia, and they’re sitting alone drinking beer and watching tv is such a hollow empty moment. This is not what they want. But it’s the way things have to be.

I’m actually fascinated by Sam and Dean’s conversation in the church in the s8 finale. Not so much Dean’s assertion that there is no one else he would put before Sam, but more so what provokes it, which is Sam saying “who are you going to turn to instead of me. Another angel? Another vampire?” See the thing is Dean saying he would always put Sam first is not news. We know this and it’s not really an unhealthy statement in itself either. A lot of people would put their sibling above anything else, not less a sibling who you raised and is the most important person to you. But in this context? After what Sam said? It just highlights how unhealthy they are if Sam believes that Dean having other people in his life means he doesn’t love him enough. That he’s a disappointment to him. That’s so profoundly fucked up.

(Note, Dean tells Sam that he killed Benny for him but he doesn’t say anything about Cas. I think like I said before, this is because Cas and Dean’s relationship has largely existed out of the Sam and Dean stuff up to this point - Sam and Cas don’t even really have much of a relationship yet besides both of their connections to Dean.)

And then from here, things start getting steadily worse. But we also keep being shown how bad they are. Dean lying to Sam, taking away his free will by letting Gadreel possess him. Dean sending Cas away, Kevin dying. It’s all awful. The whole “there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you line” from 9x01 isn’t really said by Dean, it’s Gadreel, but that is how Dean feels. He does think that’s all he’s good for. And over the season we’re shown how much of himself and what he truly wants he’s had to give up because of his ingrained “Save Sammy” and “Sammy comes first” mentality. It’s always been this way for him. In 9x07 we see that he had found a happy home, a good father figure, and his first love, a first love might I add that he had to leave behind with no real explanation because Sam needed him, and Sam comes first.

I mean just one episode earlier we had him rushing out the door elated about seeing Cas and spending time with him, only for their time together to come to sad and melancholic end when Dean once again leaves Cas behind without any real explanation, because despite what he wants Sammy comes first. What he wants doesn’t matter.

See I think after the Gadreel stuff comes out is where the narrative starts to get a little wonky for me. You can clearly see that this was intended to be a shorter story that they ended up stretching out to a much longer one because of renewals. There’s also the fact that this is a formula show so they can’t necessarily be separated for longer than an episode or two. S10 is a rough one to get through at times, I think the themes still mostly hold up but it’s a rough one to get through.

S10 highlights all the connections that Dean has, Cas, Charlie, Crowley even, but Sam doesn’t really have those bonds in the same way.  For Sam it’s just Dean, so he goes down a reckless destructive “do anything to save Dean!” path and so many innocents pay the price, and ultimately with the release of The Darkness, the whole world.

They skirted right up to the edge of exploring just how toxic and dangerous their relationship had become in the season 10 finale.

DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A..a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world.

I can’t say evil is the right word, they were never evil, but they were wilfully blind to everything and everyone else when it came to saving each other. S10 tested my love for the show because after watching it, because there was certainly a feeling that the two of them had become the villains of this story. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a problem with that, it’s just after 2 seasons of this I can’t say I had a lot of faith that this was going to be properly addressed or if we were going to keep going in circles around it. Keep being shown, it’s bad and then nothing much being done to fix it. Your mileage may vary on how it was handled, but I think s11 did a relatively ok job considering it wasn’t the end of the story, and the show needed to keep going.

See from Dean���s side a lot of the codependency rests on 1. His father’s orders to always save Sammy 2. His low self-esteem where he sees himself as nothing but a blunt instrument. 3. His guilt at not being able to perfectly fulfil every familial role in Sam’s life 4. His belief that no one could choose to love him but family has to love you. 5. The unhealthy example of what it should look like to love someone that he got from John. You give up everything but them.

For Sam (and honestly it’s not as clear for me as Dean’s side is so feel free to correct me/disagree on this) 1. Everytime he’s tried to leave and create his own life it’s never ended well. 2. His guilt over wanting freedom and a normal life when he was younger (I’m referring specifically to Stanford era here) 3. His guilt over everything Dean has given up for him. 4. John. 5. Jess.

Ultimately it all comes down to isolation. They both had to be everything to each other, and the deeper they got into this fight, the more people that they lost, the tighter they clung to this notion of family and brothers. I think s11 (and 11x23 in particular) was an important turning point, both for Sam and Dean’s relationship, as well as for them as individuals. Because they weren’t alone there anymore. Cas was there. Sam let Dean walk to his death. Of course, it would devastate him, but he knew it was what had to be done. And he didn’t walk out of that bar and go back to the bunker alone. He had Cas, he had someone who cared about him and wanted to help him and talk to him. Sure Dean asked Cas to take care of Sam for him (you know after Cas offered to walk to his death with him) but Sam let him. He let him be there for him. We didn’t get to see much before the BMOL showed up and blasted Cas away, but still, we saw enough.

I think that’s a significant difference to note why their relationship was different in the Dabb era. It wasn’t just them anymore. Cas was an important member of their family and given a level of importance he’d never been given before and couldn’t have been when the story they were telling was of the dangers of their codependency. Mary was back. Eventually, Jack would become a part of their unit too. Just the two of them wasn’t enough for them anymore. This is made abundantly clear with all of Dean’s desperate attempts to get Cas to stay in s12, followed by his inability to keep going when they lose Cas and Mary in s13. Similarly, Sam really struggles when they lose Jack and fail to get Mary back later in the season.

Another big moment is Dean letting Sam go alone to lead the hunters against the BMOL in 12x22 while he stays back to try and reach Mary. Like he tells Mary, he’s had to be a brother, a father and a mother to Sam and he never stopped seeing him as his kid, but in that moment he makes a choice. He lets Sam take charge and he shows that he trusts him and believes in him. He knows he can handle it.

Sometimes it’s not even a character growth thing. Sometimes having other people there stops you from making destructive choices even though that’s still your first instinct. I’m thinking specifically of 13x21 after Sam was killed. Dean would have run headlong into that nest of vampires and got himself torn apart, but Cas was there to stop him. He was able to make him see reason.

Basically, I think that for a long time, they thought the only relationship they could have was each other, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy because their desperate attempts to keep each other around led to them losing the people around them. They eventually started to learn that that wasn’t true, they could have more, they were allowed to want more, and that it wasn’t an either-or situation. Dean didn’t have to choose between Sam and Cas. They didn’t have to choose between each other or Jack. The same goes for Mary. Different relationships can coexist without threatening each other, and not say that their relationship in s12-15 was all smooth sailing, but it was certainly so very different from everything that came before.

(There’s maybe a point to be made about how they didn’t have anyone or anything in the finale and how that relates to the story we got, but honestly I have no idea what the intention was with any of the choices made in that episode so I’ll leave it at that for now.)

Destiel Chronicles

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Vol. XXXI

Purgatory of Love

(8x01/8x02)

Hello my friends! How are you! We are finally in season 8, one of my favorite seasons! Why? Because this is the season when Dean realizes he's in love with Castiel.

I want to say thank you to my friend @agusvedder for discussing with me the episodes and because she made the gifs for this meta! 😘💞💞

What happened to Cas?

We will talk about episode 8x01 "We need talk about Kevin" we had a dialogue between the two brothers that showed us that something had happened with Cas...

SAM: What about Cas? Was he there?

DEAN walks a few steps away and speaks with his back to SAM.

DEAN: Yeah, Cas didn't make it.

Okay, the conversation takes another tone when Sam mentions Castiel. If you rewatch this scene, Dean walks a few steps away with his back to his brother... This means... Talk about Cas and Purgatory is painful for him. We, as audience, don't know what happened, but this attitude in Dean tells us isn't good.

SAM: What exactly does that mean?

DEAN: Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy towards the end, and he... just let go.

Well, Sam is all of us here, we want to know what happened with Cas, and Dean's answer is so vague, but with huge symbolism...

Something happened to him down there Purgatory wasn't down there, I mean, he's referring here I suppose to the position he saw him the last time, as if he is making a relation between CAS+Purgatory+Let go, we will see this in next metas, but if you recall when Dean was trying to save Cas and drag him to the exit portal, the way Dean remembered that happen, was CAS letting go his hand and falling. So, because it was so so painful for Dean to lose Castiel, his head invented an excuse... Yes, Dean, Something happened to CAS when you was trying to save him, he was down there, you were pushing him, holding his hand... And he just let go... He fell... Something happened...

SAM: So Cas is dead? You saw him die?

DEAN: I saw enough.

SAM: So, then what, you're not sure?

DEAN: [turning back to SAM] I said I saw enough, Sam.

SAM: Right. Dean, I'm sorry.

Okay, Sam wants to know if Cas is dead or alive, so the audience, but Dean is being still vague. I SAW ENOUGH what did he saw that is so, so painful to put it in words? What is his head trying to hide? Trying to understand? Dean is sad, and hurt, and mourning his friend. He felt guilty too, and he doesn't want to talk about it, because is painful, so he cut Sam out with another I SAW ENOUGH, and Sam gets the message, the stop sign. He saw as the audience, is something very hard for Dean to explain.

Okay... After this... I want to talk about Purgatory... And what that meant for Dean Winchester.

The Purity in Purgatory

When Sam asked Dean how Purgatory was, Dean answered...

It was bloody. Messy. 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties. Hell, most days felt like 360-degree combat. But there was something about being there. It felt pure.

And we had this dialogue with Benny too...

BENNY (on phone) I think you had it right, bud.

DEAN (on phone) What's that?

BENNY (on phone) Purgatory was pure. I'm kind of wishin' I had appreciated it more. You know? Like you.

What does it means? I wrote a lot about Purgatory and it's purity here, but let me just point her my idea...

In Purgatory any necessity as hunger, or sleep, didn't exist, so... The mind was clean of that, and thinking more clear. Just remained the pure in your heart and in your mind. Because you didn't had human necessities at all. So then... What was pure in Dean's heart and mind? What remained intact and pure in his mind? What was his unique necessity? Survival and get out of there, of course... But, first of all... TO FIND CASTIEL.

That's why he was desperately running through Purgatory woods searching for him, asking the monsters "Where's the Angel?" Like possesed. And he became famous, one of the mosnters recognized him when he asked that question, as the human. So, I like to think the monsters in Purgatory knew there was a human searching for his angel. And that's so damn romantic.

MONSTER: Three days' journey. Follow the stream. There's a clearing. You'll find your angel there. (This line is from 8x02)

And also, when Dean met Benny, and they made a deal to escape from Purgatory, Dean was clear...

DEAN: Hmm. First we find the angel.

BENNY: Mm, three's a crowd, chief.

DEAN: Well, hey. Either you're in or you're out.

Dean was clear here. Or we find the angel or there's not deal.

So, here we have the proof about what had Dean as purity in his head and heart: HE NEEDES, HE WANTED, HE HAS TO DESPERATELY FIND CASTIEL. But why?

This isn't a reaction a person would have with a friend who had abbandoned in a dangerous place like this. He should be angry, and disappointed with CAS, but no. He's not, because he's so in love with him, that he can't believe CAS had betrayed him. But he covered this, with an excuse of just friendship... And he will see when he find Cas it isn't just friendship.

Dean realizes he's in love with Castiel

In episode 8x02 "What's up Mom Tiger" Samandriel and Dean had a very significant dialogue as a prologue of what had happened with Castiel and his run away leaving Dean alone, situation.

SAMANDIRIEL: I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?

DEAN: Well, me and Cas – we, uh – we iced Dick Roman and got a one-way rocket ride to Purgatory for our trouble.

SAMANDIRIEL But you escaped. Did – did Castiel? [DEAN doesn’t respond.] You know, there are some in Heaven who still believe, despite his mistakes, that Castiel's heart was always in the right place.

DEAN Are you one of them?

SAMANDIRIEL: I think too much heart was always Castiel's problem.

Well... Dean feeling guilty again, because he could escape and Cas didn't. But... The dialogue is centered on Castiel's heart. His kindness. That's the best characteristic Castiel had but also his weakness... And Dean knows it too.

And now... Let's talk about the scene in which Dean Winchester discovered he is in love with Cas.

First of all this is the first time Dean hugs Castiel. Cas knew about this love demonstration between humans, he even tried to hug Sam once, and he failed. But... This is Dean... So watch his hand... He is clenching his fist. Is that because he's having feelings he shouldn't? Is because he is containing himself? Look at the way Dean is hugging him, is a big, fond, sentimental hug. Dean is really happy to find him, finally, after looking for him for so many days. There's his Cas, his angel. His desperate search is over. And then... What about that not so Platonic gesture there? Touching Castiel's cheek and peach fuzz? By the way, he's giving him a compliment there, but... Maybe Dean wanted to touch more right there, not just a hug, but... A cheek... Let's make it just a bro touching a peach fuzz to his bro, because is no homo.

Oh yeah, Benny is witnessing the whole thing right there...

But then the dialogue is so vague, and they're not talking about that thing right away, and Benny is loosing his patience with the corny situation there... Why isn't Dean yelling at the Angel who abbandoned him? Right, because Benny, as any of us, would be screaming and yelling WHY DID YOU LEFT??? YOU LET ME ALONE BETWEEN MONSTERS?? WTF??

That was what normal friends would say... But not Dean... Dean is too happy to find Cas, he can't believe it. Because they're not normal friends, they're not just family...

BENNY: Why'd you bail on Dean?

DEAN Dude –

BENNY The way I hear it, you two hit monster land, and hot wings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory.

Benny is saying here YEAH, STOP THE CRAP, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE THING HERE.

And Dean is trying to stop him? Like??? Benny is throwing the card on the table, directly, without anesthesia. But Dean doesn't wait for CAS to answer, he gave an excuse for him. The excuse he invented for himself because he needed to believe CAS hadn't betrayed him, because thinking that would be too much painful for his heart. So Dean says...

DEAN Look, we were surrounded, okay? Some freak jumped Cas. Obviously, he kicked its ass, right?

Okay but, Dean... What kind of excuse is that??

He saw it? No, he invented it, because he needed that in his head, as he will invent the moment when CAS let his hand go.

But Cas answered...

Look at the disappointment in Dean's face You ran away? He can't believe, because he didn't even think about it, not a second, he never doubted it. And now Cas is saying it .

This line Dean says is very intimate... I prayed to you, Cas, every night like... Cas you know I don't like to pray, I'm not a man of praying, but I did, because I was looking for you desperately, because I wanted to find you, because I was worried about you, because I missed you, I prayed to you every night !

The every night right there it talks about perseverance, he never lost his faith in Castiel. He knew Cas was there, listening him. And this whole, intimate quote, is very romantic.

CASTIEL I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived.

DEAN Join the club!

Dean is so mad with CAS right now...

And then... Castiel says why he left... Pay attention to Dean's reaction to Cas's words...

There, and I will never be tired to repeat this, right there... When Cas says to keep them away from you, right right there is when Dean found out he's in love with Cas. There's no doubt, there's no bro's excuses, no Platonic stares, there's no way out to what he's feeling right there. And Dean knows it... He realizes in this precisely moment, he loves Cas, not as a friend, not as a brother, but as a male angel. He fell for this angel. That's why he couldn't stop looking for him till he found him, that's why he prayed to him every night, that's why he needed to touch him more than just giving him a hug. That's why. Now he understands. He loves Castiel. His angel. **flips violently the table**

And we had Benny, looking at Dean like whoa... He did that for you?, he's so in love with you, buddy, wait... what is that face?, are you in love with him too? I should suspect that when you said you prayed to him every night...

Immediately after that scene... Dean's voice softened... You need to rewatch to hear him talking here, people. He-softened-his-f...ing-voice!!!!!!!

And he said this line so sweetly, like a plea... He wants his angel back with him, escaping from that place, coming back home.

And what about this one here??? Dean sees Cas isn't very convinced to follow him this time, because what he said about Leviathans and all, but he really wants Cas, he can't conceive being without his angel, so he says this... I NEED YOU

And it means a lot... But mostly... Is a foreshadow for the crypt scene, the *love Confession* this I NEED YOU full of feelings, and angsty longing, is what makes Castiel fell for him once and once and again. That's why Castiel's face right there... "Dean..." He's saying with his face DEAN, DON'T DO THAT... YOU KNOW I CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU. GAH!! I can't with my life!!!

But Cas insists ... Is too dangerous...

That's why Dean had to be more clear here... I'm not leaving here without you... Loyalty, love, desperately needing his angel to come back home with him...

And Cas wanted to Dean to escape from that place, so if Dean wasn't leaving without him... He will go with him... But he had decided to stay. So... Yeah... You won't you leave without me? Okay... I will go with you... And I'll be sure you leave.

I understand.

Can I die now? I love this season ...

To Conclude:

Purgatory was a pure place. In this place there was not human necessity to fulfill, so, just remained the things that were pure in Dean's heart: survival and find Castiel.

It was in this place, in which Dean realizes he is in love with Castiel. He has no doubts about that anymore.

The Destiel encounter in Purgatory is one of the most romantic scenes, and each word they said to each other had a romantic subtext.

That's how it was written, and that's how we should read it.

Thanks for joining me, see you in the next Chronicles.

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @justmeand-myinsight @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper @shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname

If you want to be tagged, just let me know.

Buenos Aires, October 2nd 2019 9:16 PM

One thing that stuck out to me about last night's ep was that with all the stuff Michael was saying about why Dean said yes, Dean never actually argued or refuted any of it. I'm not sure if that means that on some level its true, or if Dean *thinks* it might be true, or if its just Dean not wanting to talk about feelings.

Well, we know the data set Michael is working with, but like Metatron failed to understand the full emotional undercurrent of the data set he’d been working with back in s9, for example, Michael just… doesn’t really understand it.

(and with Michael, he doesn’t really CARE about understanding it, as long as he’s getting what he wanted– ie Dean’s silence)

Or to give another example. Toni Bevell’s kinda-sorta accurate (but occasionally outright wrong) but wildly misinterpreted data on the Winchesters back in 11.23 and s12.  (I started collecting this table of disinformation under the tag THE MURDER BOARD! but it eventually evolved into the men of letters vs hunters tag, because boy HOWDY did the MoL have some fundamental misunderstandings about, like… everything…)

But back to this specific scenario, because I think it’s important to look at what Michael said exactly here, because Dean’s response reminded me a heck of a lot of his response to Tony asking him about Benny in 12.02– you know, the vampire you befriended and brought out of Purgatory, she asked him, four years after Dean had last seen him, I mean… not exactly the freshest take on Dean’s speed dial there…

Michael: Well, this is fun.Dean: Get out of my head.Michael: You don’t mean that, Dean, not really. You may lie to them, but, deep down, I know you. I am you. You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ‘gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.’ Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other. And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.Dean: Shut up!Michael: You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes.

Let’s break this down point by point:

- You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.” Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.

Well, maybe Dean has thought that think in the past– like possibly during s4. I mean, in 4.16 he literally told Cas he’d made a mistake, picked the wrong guy to save the world. In his darkest moments, yeah. He’s probably thought Cas had made mistakes. I mean, in 7.02, while clutching Cas’s soaking wet coat immediately after his apparent death, and in the immediate aftermath of a horrific couple of days of feeling betrayed and abandoned by Cas in the worst possibly ways, Dean calls him “dumb son of a bitch” with a hitch in his voice and abject sadness and loss. I mean… This was s7 Dean speaking here, if anything.

And because Michael is Bad At Stories, he thinks this one out of context Bad Thought Dean had a long time ago is an accurate representation of everything Dean thinks about Cas overall. Because remember, Michael wasn’t trying to be honest here. He was trying to hurt everyone, to keep them distracted to buy himself time.

But to suggest that Dean really, truly feels that way about Cas, at his deepest core? It just… whoa that’s so far from the truth as to be horrifying, you know? If Michael actually believes that, then it just serves to prove how terrible he is at understanding stories.

I think it’s at least in PART Michael’s own judgment of Cas based on what HE believes about most of Cas’s actions in this universe, in direct comparison to the Castiel he knew in his own universe. And Cas has already passed judgment and dismissed Michael’s opinions on THAT.

But yeah, it’s also in part because somewhere deep down, Dean’s gotta know that this is something that Cas is afraid of– because Cas has TOLD him, multiple times over the years. From the end of s7 when Cas was ashamed and horrified and consumed with guilt over his mistakes, to the self-doubt that drove him to say yes to Lucifer in 11.10, to his painful need to bring a win home to Dean in 12.19… Dean understands this is one of Cas’s biggest issues. Therefore Michael would understand that saying this out loud had the potential to hurt Cas the deepest.

Let’s move on to the next point, shall we?

-And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.

Immediately after this, Dean breaks in with SHUT UP!

Because there’s got to be some kernel of truth buried in there. I mean, Dean wasn’t happiest hunting alone with John. We know that based on fourteen years of watching Dean struggle to pry himself out from under John’s thumb. Sure, he put on a face of bravado back then, even going back to when he and Sam were kids– like in 3.08 trying to convince Sam that John was some kind of superhero, and putting a positive spin on the horrors he’d spent his life to that point trying desperately to shield Sam from. This is not just a simple issue that Michael has laid down on the table. It pokes at one of Dean’s deepest fears– that Sam WILL abandon him, or will choose a different life, run away to pretend to be normal. And yeah, he’s had to confront that over and over again in the course of the series, but it still hurts. Even if he knows they’re at a completely different place now then they once were about this.

This also pokes at the Performing Dean facade that sprouted from having essentially been placed as the emotional middle man in their family– knowing about the supernatural and protecting Sam from it at all costs. It tore him up, and he erected this safety zone around himself out of self-defense. Yeah, that mask has slipped a lot over the years, and Sam’s had more than a few peeks behind it at Dean’s squishy center, but this was Michael essentially using the fact the facade exists at all as a weapon targeted to hurt both Dean and Sam. Because this is all part of that lie, that everything was hunky-dory with John, as long as they stayed in line and followed orders.

Because heck, that’s kind of how Michael sees himself. He followed all the orders and was disappointed by his father in the end. But unlike Dean, Michael never actually learned to deal with it. Never learned that his father’s orders were maybe flawed. Never learned to think for himself, or try to become better than that himself. He just went right on blaming his own father for his failures. And we KNOW that Dean hasn’t done that. (and I think we’re gonna see that borne out in 14.13, which I am SO excited for)

But this also hurts Sam, because Sam KNOWS that the night he left for college was one of the WORST nights of Dean’s life. It was writ plain on Dean’s face in 5.16, when he learned that it was one of Sam’s “heaven memories.” So again, this is Michael maybe not understanding the context, only reading “WORST MEMORY” and thinking he’s hurling it like a truth bomb, when it’s more of an expired stink bomb…

That said, let’s move on to what Michael thought was gonna be the kicker:

-You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes

Heck, maybe Demon!Dean would’ve had this thought. I mean, Demon!Dean kinda did say something like this in 10.03: 

Dean: You notice I tried to get as far away from you possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you. Maybe I was just… tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire, since… forever. Or maybe – maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life.Sam: This isn’t my brother talking.Dean: You never had a brother. Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what. I quit.Sam: No. No you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family. This family is all we’ve ever had!Dean: Well then we got nothin’.

But like Michael, Demon!Dean was kind of a nihilist, yes? He was driven to demonhood by the literal actual Darkness that only wanted to destroy all of creation. He didn’t care about ANYTHING. Not Baby, not Cas, not Sam… NOTHING. And his entire line of thinking here is just tainted by the worst thoughts he’d ever had on the subject. It was like talking to someone in the midst of a depressive episode. He couldn’t see any joy in anything, and that’s just not the Dean we know and love. It was the bleakest, most hopeless part of him made visceral.

But again, Michael lobbed this bomb entirely without context. The fact that Dean was ASHAMED after the fact of how he acted as a demon, and under the Mark’s influence. Because when he hadn’t had all the best parts of himself submerged into this darkness, we know he’d never in a million years feel that way about Sam (or Cas). It’s like Soulless!Sam telling Dean he just didn’t care about anything, because he didn’t have the equipment to care. So unless you can accept that Soulless!Sam spoke absolute truths about how Sam really feels, then you can’t assume that Demon!Dean truly spoke Dean’s honest feelings.

Because we KNOW why Dean said yes to Michael. It wasn’t about wanting to run away from his family. Quite the opposite. He was willing to throw himself on that grenade in the hopes of SAVING his family. And I don’t think that’s ever been in doubt, by anyone.

And wow, heck, this is getting long…

So I’ll just say, Michael was cherry-picking out of context moments from Dean’s memory bank and making wild assumptions based on them, while disregarding literally everything else we know and love about Dean in order to try and cause Dean, Cas, and Sam as much pain as possible. It was a delay tactic that he was almost relying on to either hit the mark emotionally and lead to immediate surrender, or else baffle and dazzle until his cavalry arrived to murderize everyone for him. And he failed. Because he’s just that bad at stories.

1) I know I’m late to the party, but about your question about the brother double standards.. I know people have already written some great answers, but I still wanted to comment.. As you know, I’m a Dean girl, so let’s get the bias question out of the way, yes, I have a Dean bias. But also my bias has developed while watching the show, before starting to watch I had no reason to favour one brother over the other. And… this is going to be long! (tbc)

2) Let’s start with the demon blood / MoC. Sam started using demon blood to kill Lilith, he had good intentions and they didn’t have a better way (I think, it’s been a while since I last re-watched?). Dean took the MoC because it was the only way to kill Abaddon, he had good intentions. But both of those decisions had consequences, and the brothers had very different ways to face those consequences. After Lilith was dead Sam did not stop his habit, he didn’t want to stop. 3) Demon blood made him stronger but it came with a price. He was a danger to others (including his own brother) but he didn’t care, because now he was stronger and “better” than Dean. Whereas Dean had very different reaction to the effect the MoC had on him. He tried everything and anything he could to control himself. So, here we have the brothers out of control by an outside force. 4) In the end Dean realised he was out of control and he was willing to pay a high price, he was willing to spend the rest of eternity alone in isolation so that he couldn’t harm anyone. However when the moment of truth came he could not do the ONE thing he had to do and that was, he couldn’t kill his little brother. Whereas Sam, when he was out of control he almost DID kill his big brother just because he could. He did NOT try to do the right thing and rid himself of demon blood. 5) Also there’s a difference between what the brothers did to help each other. Both tried to help against the others’ wishes. However, Dean trying to help Sam to kick his addiction did not have great cosmic consequences. Sam did suffer but no other lives were in danger because of Dean’s actions. But Sam, he went against Dean’s wishes about the MoC and released the darkness in to the universe and nearly caused the universe to cease to exist (had Dean not saved the day, and well, the universe). 6) Dean did get blamed for Amara, but it was Sam who released her. Well, Cas and Charlie helped, but it was really Sam who was in charge. Rowena was kidnapped and forced to help so she wasn’t at fault. What about Dean killing Amy vs Sam killing Emma. Sam fails this test epically. Amy was a monster that was killing humans. Yes, long time ago she saved Sam and it’s understandable that Sam didn’t want to kill her. But Dean made the right call. 7) But Emma hadn’t killed anyone. And there was the possibility to take control of the situation without killing her. Now, normally, I don’t feel sorry for a monster who gets killed while threatening Dean BUT this was Dean’s daughter who was brainwashed. DEAN deserved to try to get through to her. But ok, let’s say it was done for Dean’s benefit by a little brother trying to protect his big brother. But part of his motive was revenge. And that crosses another line. 8) He killed Dean’s DAUGHTER to revenge for Dean killing a monster that had already killed people. That’s so horrible I don’t even have words. “You killed someone I once cared about because they did something bad so I kill your daughter because she might do something bad”? Those are NOT equal actions. (As much as I hated that they gave Dean a monster daughter, so I don’t really blame Sam for this, but it does say something about the character you can’t just ignore.)   9) (I think, I got lost with the count) Ok, then Dean/Lisa vs Sam/Amelia vs Dean/Benny. I put Dean/Benny there because I see there is a parallel between Sam/Amelia and Dean/Benny more than Dean/Lisa, but let’s look at all three. When Dean moved in with Lisa after Sam fell in to pit, there were no lose ends. He had lost his brother and he tried to move on with his life. He tried to leave hunting behind and he partly succeeded. 10) However, at the first sign of supernatural trouble at his neighbourhood he did what he could to protect the neighbourhood and his family. But Sam, ok if you want to forgive him for not looking for his brother (I don’t) that actually can be explained away. But he abandoned hunting KNOWING that there are other loose ends, namely Kevin. I won’t even get in to that more, it was wrong, there’s no excuse. Also after getting back from the purgatory Sam had NO right to be upset with Dean being upset 11) The difference here also after the pit, Sam was out but he never went to Dean. Ok, he was soulless then so let’s forgive him. But after purgatory dean had every right to be hurt and Sam should have acknowledged that.. There’s not really anything that compares to when Sam got back from the pit. But Dean did try to balance hunting and family life and it ended very badly. He could tell Sam from the experience that it can’t be done. 12) Sam could have chosen Amelia, but he chose Dean in the end, just like Dean chose Sam over Benny. But while Dean wasn’t a fan of Amelia, Sam wanted to murder Benny. At this point Benny was one of the good monsters. HE had helped Dean out of purgatory when Sam hadn’t even bothered to look for his brother. Sam had no right to hate Benny THAT much, even if he was jealous. 13) Ok, one more issue. The teasing between brothers. Is it the same when Dean calls Sam a nerd and Sam makes Dean feel like he’s stupid? No, it isn’t. The nerd comments can be counted as brotherly teasing, is it nice? no, but that’s siblings for you. Especially since Dean teases Sam about books and liking to read and knowing so much about the lore. But we know Dean actually also reads and knows a lot about the lore. But Sam makes Dean feel stupid. 14) I don’t actually know what to say if you can’t see how that’s different. Teasing your brother or making them feel less than so that you could feel smarter. One is abusive one is not. Ok, I think I’m done for now. SORRY for flooding your inbox with the longest ask / comment I’ve ever sent.. But I had apparently lot to say about the issue. (I hope my rant makes sense I got tired of writing it in the end..)  

Blood Brothers

I’m watching 8.05, and having my typical small crisis over s8 again as per usual. I typed some disjointed thoughts at lizbob, but I wanted them collected here for future reference. Tidied up and made slightly coherent:

Sam hit a dog.

The guy at the motel in 8.05 tells him "I figured you would've moved on by now" and Sam's apparently only staying in town because the dog needed one more surgical follow-up. Sam was just telling him he was "between jobs," and the guy looks down at the dog and says, "You really messed up that dog."

And... Dean is the dog...

(or at the very least, Dean is the character all the dog metaphors and parallels hang on)

And Sam gets this metaphorical Dean Replacement Dog, fixes him up, and then drags him along into this sham of a civilian life with Amelia. He’d only been “between jobs” up to that point, and hadn’t necessarily abandoned hunting entirely yet. He was in a literal liminal space, lampshaded by his whole conversation with Amelia in that episode:

AMELIA: I thought you were leaving town. SAM: I am. I'm just helping out with maintenance at the motel, you know, while Everett's dad is sick. AMELIA: Who's Everett? SAM: How long have you been here? AMELIA: Three months. Why? SAM: Well, you know, usually when someone moves into a town, they – they actually, uh, you know, move into the town. AMELIA: I did. SAM: A motel is not actually part of the town that it's in. It's not part of anywhere. AMELIA: Well, I haven't found a place yet. Why am I explaining myself to you? You're a drifter or a handyman.

Thee two of them bond over “Dog.” I mean, the thing doesn’t even have a proper name yet, and THIS is what connects Sam and Amelia... this vague notion of drifting through life because what had previously tethered each of them had been taken from them (For Sam, it was Dean. For Amelia, it was her husband Don). And the weirdest thing is that for all the weird liminality of their relationship-- which was mostly shown in softly lit and dreamlike soft focus-- Sam was the one who seemed more in touch with that liminal existence than Amelia did.

Like Dean had been an anchor that kept Sam grounded in the hunting life, and Amelia was some sort of helium balloon that let him float along above all the horrors of his regular life for a short time. But one helium balloon was not enough to sustain that dreamlike existence for very long. Riot, aka Dog, was what enabled Sam to “move into the town” in a way that only someone who’d spent most of his life in liminal spaces could exist in that sort of transient state with any kind of mastery of that liminal space.

I hope that makes sense... It makes perfect sense to me.

This isn’t a dig at Sam, but a revelatory moment about how he’s personally adapted to his entire life on the fringes of society, and in some ways he’s as good at that life as Dean is, despite wishing for that sort of stability that “moving into the town” for real could possibly bring. He’s really good at pretending that he’s actually cut out for that “normal” life. But in order to do so, he has to fully immerse himself in the “role” of “normality.”

And without Dean to play the part of the “dog” for him, Riot becomes the domesticated version of the anchor that Dean had always been for him. NOT Amelia, but the dog.

I was thinking about @rosie-berber’s latest meta challenge, having decided I will definitely be writing about 8.04, because 1) it’s an excellent episode that is intensely on point for all the big themes of s8, and 2) how the hell could people rate it lower than 8.15... because ewwwww there is so much disturbingly wrong about s8′s Weird Dog Episode... which brings me to this point.

And yeah I hate 8.15... but Portia tells Dean that she can tell he hates dogs, and yeah, Dean IS the metaphorical dog he hates. He hates that part of himself. The part that even allows people to run him over, the part that remains unflinchingly loyal to the exclusion of his own wants and needs, the part that is willing to sacrifice himself over and over for his “pack” (i.e. Sam) even when the rest of his pack will drive off anyone else Dean shows any sort of loyalty or affection for.

It’s the core of Sam’s instant rejection of Benny as a friend to Dean. And granted the fact that Dean kept Benny a secret from Sam until he discovered the truth under the worst possible circumstances at the end of 8.05, Dean had his reasons. Mostly he just didn’t feel like he could trust this versino of Sam that had been able to walk away from hunting, from their responsibility to Kevin, and just pretend like everything would just be fine.

Remember that Dean was not exactly mourning Cas, but more in a state of abject pining. Cas wasn’t dead, but he had essentially “dumped” Dean at the portal in Purgatory. It was a very different sort of mourning than we had in s7, and again at the beginning of s13. Yes, Cas was still equally out of reach for Dean, but the flavor of his grief was tainted by his perceived sense of rejection from Cas.

Okay, back to Dean As The Dog...

He eventually makes his peace with it when he gets to be a dog (sort of) in 9.05, but that episode even implies some sort of Darker Dean vs Dogs stuff yet to come (with the dog's last line getting cut off when the spell wears off). And then we have Dean become Crowley's personal Hellhound (and then subsequently reject that role for himself as well).

Heck, this is really why I hate all the stupid dog episodes.

But regardless, the big issue for Sam in s8 was what he perceived as his loss of Dean's "loyalty," as a dog-like quality. That theme continues in 8.06 when Dean gets to express some of his feelings about Sam’s abandonment of him (albeit those feelings were turned poisonously bitter because Dean only expressed them at all because he was possessed by a spectre bent on vengeance for perceived wrongs...). And this theme continues right on down the line in s8 for Sam-- his personal perception that he’s somehow failed Dean, that Dean wanting other friends is somehow part of Sam’s personal failure instead of a healthier and more realistically ~normal~ way for brothers to be with one another.

And because the show is still the show, everything has to swing wildly to the opposite end of this by putting Sam into the role of “dog owner” and Dean turning from loyal hound into a more feral hellhound.

There was some more stuff I intended to say about the reasons Sam was so unwilling to accept Dean’s friendship with Benny, and just how much Sam really had no understanding of Dean’s relationship with Cas at all back during s8, but I think there will be other episodes to discuss those things in more detail (including my defense of 8.04 that I’ll be writing up later). I just wanted to mention the fact here in the spirit of full disclosure.

Rewatching s8, I’m always tempted to just meta everything... but I think of every season of this show, s8′s probably the one that really has been meta’d into the ground. Is there really anything new I can say about it?

Today’s selection on the TNT loop took us through 8.06 (vengeance between brothers on opposite sides in a war), 8.07 (and the return of Cas), 8.08 (this sounds like our kinda thing, there was a pastry mishap), 8.09 (gee, Dean, glad you finally found someone you could trust... *Sam’s feelings of inadequacy intensify*)

I love all the romantically-coded parallels in s8 as much as the next person, but I still struggle to see them as the main thematic focus of the season. Maybe this is just a function of having zoomed through the first half of s8 or so the first time I watched it, or the fact that I now know everything that comes after s8, but for me s8 is asking each of them (Sam, Dean, and Cas) to really examine who they are and what they want.

It’s setting everything they’ve ever believed up to be knocked over at the end of the season. It looks like they’re making choices throughout the season, but a lot of this boils down to anger, guilt, miscommunication, and my least favorite-- the I did what I had to do.

I don’t think Dean ever tells Sam why he trusted Benny so much, despite Sam clearly understanding some parallels to their past. Sam just sees the wrong parallels here. Sam’s seeing Benny-as-Amy Pond, who Dean killed in 7.03 because Dean thought Sam’s judgment was compromised and Amy the Monster couldn’t be trusted not to kill again. But in 8.09 there are two parallel scenes to one of the first vampires we ever met-- Lenore from 2.03.

Lenore resisted drinking Sam’s blood even after she’d been tortured and weakened by Gordon Walker. It had been enough for Sam to insist to Dean that she deserved to live. In 8.09 Benny had the same reaction TWICE-- after killing the vampire responsible for the deaths in town, he was tempted by Dean’s bleeding neck but walked away (and shared an entirely calm and rational conversation with Dean while he was still bleeding from his neck without ever showing the urge to kill him and drink him), and then not only resisted Elizabeth’s blood when Martin was deliberately trying to bait him with it but had been willing to lay down his own life for Elizabeth’s.

Meanwhile, Sam can’t see past his own jealousy, and engineers this entire confrontation with Benny, having set Martin Creaser to keep tabs on Benny on his behalf. I think this sums up A LOT of their miscommunication in s8:

Sam: Any casualties? Dean: Martin. Sam: Was it Benny? Dean: He had it coming, Sam. I'll tell you what happened. Sam: I-I know what happened, Dean. Dean: Okay, you want to listen to me or not?

Sam hangs up in anger, having made assumptions because he doesn’t feel that Dean trusts him. I mean, Dean did send him on that wild goose chase to get him out of the way, which dredged up all his complicated issues with Amelia that he’d thought he’d left behind. The thing is, Sam had been using Dean coming back as an excuse. It was easier to shift the blame for his own guilt and his own choice to leave Amelia and that ~normal life~ built on lies (and the dog he ran over that brought that whole life with it) onto Dean. Sam could feel justifiable and noble about returning to hunting, like he had a new mission now that was important enough to give up that El Sol of a dream-life, and that he sacrificed something good because of Dean. But that life was never his, was never real, and Sam didn’t want to admit that to himself. So instead (as he confesses so much later in 8.23) he puts ALL of it on Dean. All of his own issues are funneled into this mistaken belief that he let Dean down, that he somehow failed Dean, and that Dean’s approval and trust is somehow more important than anything else.

It’s basically a gross disaster of codependency laid bare.

It takes most of s8 to tear them all down to that point, but the quoted conversation above is steeped in it.

Sam honestly believes that he DOES know what happened, and boy howdy are his assumptions ever wrong. Despite having witnessed the lengths Martin was ready to go to in order to kill Benny, Sam was EQUALLY unwilling to trust Dean as Dean was to trust Sam.

It really does distill down to “Sam hit a dog” and “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory.”

The few things Dean has told Sam about Purgatory have painted a kind of one-sided picture. Dean’s own guilt and feelings of inadequacy, feeling that he failed Cas like he fails everyone he cares about prevents Dean from revealing A LOT of the emotional and deeply personal aspects of what life was like for him over his year in Purgatory. Dean never tells Sam that Benny gave him the key to saving himself, which already (in Sam’s mind) gives Sam something to be jealous of-- that HE didn’t even try to save Dean and yet this vampire did...

Dean never tells Sam that despite having this key to Purgatory’s escape hatch, Dean refused to leave until he’d found Cas. And this ALSO contributes to Sam’s feelings of inadequacy. Knowing some of the baser truths about Purgatory, such as this:

Dean: You do see something... severely wrong here, right? Sammy, I remember every second of leaving that place. I mean I remember the heat, the stink, the pain, the fear. I have that whole ugly mess right here... and he says he has no idea how he got out? I'm just not buying it.

Sam has watched Dean continuously beat himself up over his failure to save Cas from Purgatory, while Sam himself hadn’t really felt any guilt at all for not trying to save the both of them... for a year.

But “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory” isn’t just about Sam running away from this specific incident, but goes to the core of all their trust issues and past choices that have led to their divided loyalties in the past. From 8.06:

DEAN: You want to talk about Benny? Fine. Let's talk. SAM: Okay. How about he's a vampire? DEAN: He's also the reason I'm topside and not roasting on a spit in Purgatory. Anything else? SAM: Don't pretend I don't get it. I know you had to do what you had to down there. DEAN: I highly doubt you get anything about Purgatory. SAM: But you're out now, and Benny's still breathing. Why? DEAN: He's my friend, Sam. SAM: And what about my friend, Amy? She was what? 'Cause you sure as hell didn't have a problem ganking her. DEAN: Well, I guess people change, don't they? We let that werewolf Kate go, didn't we? SAM: She was different. She – you think Benny's different? He tell you he's not drinking live blood, or something? And you believe him. Wow. Okay. You know, you're right. People do change. DEAN: Yeah. I got a vampire buddy, and you turn your phone off for a year. SAM: Don't turn this on me. DEAN: Look, Benny slips up and some other hunter turns his lights out, so be it. SAM: But it's not gonna be you, right?

And later, while Dean’s under the influence of the spectre, he gets some rather poisonous feelings off his chest in arguably the worst and most toxic way possible. Dean’s being supernaturally manipulated into saying these things and so Sam is able to dismiss them...

SAM: What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean. GARTH: That's not Dean, Sam. DEAN: Shut up! Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices! SAM: All right. You said it. We've both played a little fast and loose. DEAN: Yeah, I might have lied, but I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?

For better or worse, Dean’s lil speech there about Sam’s “mistakes” (aka “choices” which Dean feels are essentially betrayals, with good cause...), this list of betrayals is inextricably linked with “why didn’t you look for me in Purgatory.”

ALL OF THESE THINGS, every time either of them brings up Purgatory, are now contained under that single umbrella of guilt. Just as “Sam hit a dog” contains all that baggage I wrote about yesterday (in the post I linked above).

S8 did a lot of things, but scooping up their codependency and packing it into tidy duffel bags like this is one of the biggest.

8.07: How many ways can we demonstrate that Dean was pining for Cas?

Honestly that’s really the only thing I think we really need to discuss from this episode in relation to s12.

Dean finally confesses a little bit of what he’s been feeling about Cas having stayed behind in purgatory, that he’s been seeing Cas everywhere, and it’s been making him feel like crap...

Sam suggests it’s survivor’s guilt, and advises Dean to “walk past it.” Proving that Sam really has no fucking clue about just how hurt Dean was, how much Cas staying behind has messed with him.

Paralleling what Dean was feeling over Cas to Sam’s relationship with Amelia (during which he never even began to tell her the truth about his life and talked about Dean only on a surface-level and trying to pretend that he was just a normal guy with normal problems...), is like trying to compare a puddle to the ocean. Yet that’s what Sam is trying to do. There is just no walking past it for Dean when it comes to Cas.

BENNY: It's here. They promised. DEAN: Oh, they? Well, that's comforting. CASTIEL: Well, even if it does exist... BENNY: Broken record, Cas. CASTIEL: Dean, it's a human portal. There's still no proof that an angel can pass – DEAN: Stow it, Cas. You're coming. That's final. CASTIEL: I'm just saying... [He puts a hand on DEAN’s shoulder. DEAN stops and looks at him.] ...if it doesn't work... thank you for everything. DEAN: Save the Hallmark. Okay? It's gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.

First off: WHO PROMISED? I’ve read the theory that it was Angels who’d told Benny of the portal, who sent him to watch over Dean and help him escape.

AND THEN CAS DOES THE “THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING” that’s just a veiled and heartbreaking goodbye. Followed immediately by Dean delivering an early version of his “Nobody gets left behind.”

Then in 12.12, what are you? I AM YOU BUT STRONGER:

Castiel: No, you listen to me. You -- Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it... it's been the best part of my life. And the things that... the things we've shared together, they have changed me. You're my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please... please, don't make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.

and:

DEAN: And like you said, you’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.

*stops to cry about all of this*

(oh, and regarding Cas and his sudden outburst of faith in 12.19...

CASTIEL Maybe you were lied to. Maybe there is no seam. BENNY I lie. I don't get lied to. Aren't you guys all about faith? CASTIEL Not particularly.)

But we also have Dean’s instincts back in 8.07, when WE know that Cas was being controlled and manipulated without his knowledge, but Dean was in a very different place back then compared to where he is in 12.19 and 12.20, both in trusting HIMSELF, as well as trusting in Cas:

DEAN: You do see something severely wrong here, right? Sammy, I remember every second of leaving that place. I mean, I remember the – the heat, the stink, the pain, the fear. I have that whole ugly mess... [he taps his head] ...right here, and he says he has no idea how he got out? I – I'm just not buying it. SAM: So what, you think he's lying? DEAN: I'm saying something else happened. I saw the shape that he was in. I mean, there was no way he was fighting his ass out alone. No way. SAM: All right. So, who... or what got him out? DEAN: Exactly.

It’s not that he doesn’t trust Cas, he’s just wary that something bigger might be going on, and it’s making it hard for him to just accept that Cas is back without some long strings attached... Because he’s also still hurt over the way Cas had left him behind, or in his mind, how Cas had rejected him in Purgatory.

DEAN: Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there! It was like you just gave up. It's like you didn't believe we could do it. I mean, you kept saying that you didn't think it would work. Did you not trust me? CASTIEL: Dean... DEAN: I did everything I could to get you out – everything! I did not leave you. CASTIEL: So you think this was your fault?

and:

CASTIEL: Hey, everything isn't your responsibility. Getting me out of Purgatory wasn't your responsibility. DEAN: You didn't get out. So whose fault was it? CASTIEL: It's not about fault. It's about will. Dean, do you really not remember? DEAN: [laughs shortly] I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened. CASTIEL: No. No, you think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to. DEAN: Look, I don't need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I've failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about! I don't need it!

So Cas shows Dean the truth of how he CHOSE to stay behind in Purgatory, but Cas still doesn’t understand why Dean would need to have created a false memory of those events, of why it would’ve hurt Dean so much to remember it accurately.

But key themes at work here that are vital to s12: Faith vs Free will. Effectively communicating their needs and beliefs to each other, being honest with each other and finding the RIGHT words to make each other understand.

CASTIEL: See, it wasn't that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me, because I didn't want to be saved. DEAN: What the hell are you talking about? CASTIEL: It's where I belonged. I needed to do penance. After the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn't deserve to be out. And I saw that clearly when I was there. I... I planned to stay all along. I just didn't know how to tell you. You can't save everyone, my friend... though, you try.

*seriously just launch me into the damn sun it would hurt less*

Despite how far Cas has come in the last four years, of finally feeling like he belongs with the Winchesters, he’s still unable to feel he truly deserves to be there until he can do just one thing right. Until he can redeem himself (like he’s been telling Dean he would since 7.01).

SOMEONE PLEASE FORCE DEAN TO TELL CAS THAT HE HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THEY DON’T NEED HIM TO CLEAN UP THEIR MESSES OR PROTECT THEM FROM THE REALITY OF THEIR LIVES, THAT HE JUST NEEDS CAS TO BE THERE WITH HIM. OKAY?! OKAY.