#everyone keeps telling me it will be fine and I'm just YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!
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The apple of his eye (MDNI)
Pairings: Carl Grimes X Fem!Reader
Warnings: Ron is alive blegh, smut (EVERYONE IS 18+), jealousy sex, established relationship, kinda long
Ever since Carl lost his eye to Ron, you had hated him from the root of your being, you couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him, let alone speak to him. I mean, how could you? He shot your boyfriend in the eye....
Until Rick assigned you on a run with him. Amazing.
“It’s only a run, Carl-“
“I don’t care! Do you know what he’s capable of? He almost killed me, what if he puts your life in danger to, the things I would do, Y/N..”
“Carl…” You tried to ease his mind but if there’s anything he gets from his father, it’s his stubbornness.
“You’re not going, he’s putting your life in his hands and I can’t take that risk.” You sighed and connected your forehead to his. “I’ll be fine..” I’m sure you’ll hear me scream if he tries anything...” You chuckle lightly.
But he took it much more seriously than you did.
The day of the run, while you grabbed your gun, he sat on a chair, watching you anxiously. He knew you were probably gonna be find but he couldn’t not worry about you. When you were ready, you turn to him and smile, spreading your arms out for a hug.
He completes the hug, getting up from the chair, smoothing out your hair and kissing just below your ear. “Be careful. I’m serious. He tries anything and you fucking tell me.” You nod, blushing and smiling then head out the door.
On the run, it was mostly Ron just trying to brag about one thing or another and you didn’t necessarily like it. You ignored him. You spit a way into the pharmacy but only by a high window. “Hey-shut up-get me up there.” You tell him and he follows, boosting you up by the feet and helping you in. “Anything good in there?”
Except you can’t see. You shine your flashlight around, looking for the things on the list Rick sent you with. “I don’t see anything! Might need some help looking!” You call out. “I’ll find a way in!” He responds.
And you wait...and you wait and eventually it's fucking dark out.
"Fuck me." You thought.
You grab a rope and just pray to god it's long enough to get you out of the building. You throw it and it barely gets you out. You climb out, keeping your gun loaded and ready if walkers find you. Only a few do, one at a time and you barely fight past them, scratching yourself up on the ground. You make a run for Alexandria and the guards see you. "It's me! Y/N!"
They open the gate and start asking you what happened and how'd you take so long. But you shove past them, planning to explain later. Right now, you're pissed. You walk to Carl's house and open the door to Carl yelling at Ron and demanding to know where you were.
"Carl..?" As soon as he sees you he's hugging you, asking if the scratches on you were from walkers, if you were okay, what had happened. You explain quickly what had happened while staring at Ron. As soon as you're done, Carl is seething.
"You fucking animal." He growls and punches Ron in the mouth. "Get up. You left her out there?!" He demands. Ron tries to lie, saying he couldn't find a way in but Carl doesn't care about that. He cares about Ron getting karma.
"You left her out there, you fucking dog.” He starts punching him, hard, when you pull Carl off of him. "Carl...Enough. come on don't beat the kid to a pulp."
"Out. Now." He growls and Ron runs out quickly with a busted lip, bloody nose and a bruised eye. Carl hugs you and smooths your hair down to comfort you. "I'm so sorry. I tried getting him to tell me where you were, what had happened..." You smile slightly and hug him back when he scoops you up and carries you to his room.
He starts a shower for you where he washes your hair for you and worships you, kissing your knuckles. You just hum in response to his actions as he kisses up and down your neck, leaving hickeys. An once you get out, he scoops you up onto the counter, making out with you, breathing heavily and the only thing between you two is a towel around his waist.
Fuck.
His hands trailed the small of your back as you sat on his lap on his bed, kissing each other heatedly, breathing heavily and whimpering into each other mouths. "Put it in?" You whimper. He nods, looking down, his hat falling partially in front of his face. You giggle and put it on your own head as he slides across your clit. "Ah-! Fuck.." You cry out and he smiles while still looking down, pushing up into you.
"Y/N.." He says, breathless. "Fuck, you are all fucking mine."
And he fucks you senseless, not making you do any of the work, just letting you take him inch by inch, babbling in your ear, praising you.
"Fuck...all mine...all mine...So fucking pretty.." He would say breathlessly as he tilts his head slightly. You lay your head on his shoulder, biting into the skin and leaving a bite mark for everyone to see. You can only let out a string of whimpers from how good he's fucking you and eventually the tight knot in your lower stomach tightens and you claw at him "Close..Carl-!"
"Make a mess on me. Make a fucking mess, let everyone know you're mine."
And with that, the tight knot snaps and you collapse against his chest and he holds you so you don't fall as he continues fucking you through your orgasm, he starts kissing your cheek letting you know he’s there.
As he feels you clenching, he thrusts 1, 2, 3 more times and groans deeply, shooting into your womb as he buries his face in your hair.
"Fuck, I need to make you jealous more often.." You joke.
#carl grimes#carl grimes smut#the walking dead#was this good or nah#twd#the walking dead smut#rick grimes#carl grimes fanfic#chandler riggs#grimes family#walking dead#carl grimes x reader#carl grimes fanfiction#twd fanart#twd carl grimes#glenn rhee#chandler riggs x reader#SoundCloud
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Hi , I don’t know if you’ve seen the new Ewan and Tom photo shoot and interview but …. I know this will get hate from Ewan Nation, hence why I’m coming to auntie . Anyway two years ago god it seems longer lol, I was like everyone obsessed with Aemond and his actor . The mysterious Ewan … I wanted to know about him, wanted more pics and photo shoots , however time has a way of changing things . Now I find myself wishing for the old days . The pixel days ( if you know you know 😂) I mean don’t get me wrong I like Ewan , but I miss the mysterious introvert . Perhaps that’s the thing too, I felt a connection to him and his character . The interviews he’s done it’s clear he’s extroverted so idk if the introvert was a character he was playing or what but now he just rings false to me. Phony like every other Hollywood actor who just wants fame . I don’t wanna speak cruel about Ewan nation but they seem to eat this up and anyone who dares say boo about him is attacked hence anonymous . It’s just everything he was seems flipped and he just rings false to me . A phony …. Honestly it’s turned me off from the show completely. Thank you for listening to my rant . If you response awesome if you don’t that’s fine too .
Before I get started, don't come at nonnie y'all! Keep scrolling if you don't agree or read what I have to say because it might surprise you.
Okay, so.. hi anon! Thank you for coming to me. Two things first: "Ewan Nation" is unfair because I don't like to generalize groups of people; I want you to enjoy your show again!
I definitely think your feelings are valid but I'm going to tell you what I think because you came to me... you'll probably disagree but here goes.
Ewan is a human and complicated, right? And all we see is what is presented by him, his PR people, his stylist, and HBO (while promoting HotD). So I think it's unfair to go so far as to say "phony." I think he is growing as a person and most of us are fortunate enough to not have to do that in front of the world.
I mean don’t get me wrong I like Ewan , but I miss the mysterious introvert . Perhaps that’s the thing too, I felt a connection to him and his character . The interviews he’s done it’s clear he’s extroverted so idk if the introvert was a character he was playing or what but now he just rings false to me.
I truly do not believe that he is an extrovert at all. I think he is contractually obligated to promote and to appear in articles and it's good for his career overall. Here's a link to the SAG-AFTRA page on contracts that might give you some info if you want to dig. Also, a Variety article about the 2023 strike that discusses what actors were not allowed to do during the strike. Guess what? No interviews! I'm not being patronizing, I'm trying to make the point that this is his job. Ewan may not want to be in the public eye but I would imagine his contract, as the face of one of the most popular characters in the show, is pretty full of appearances.
Anyway two years ago god it seems longer lol, I was like everyone obsessed with Aemond and his actor . The mysterious Ewan … I wanted to know about him, wanted more pics and photo shoots , however time has a way of changing things . Now I find myself wishing for the old days . The pixel days ( if you know you know 😂)
I hate to say it but "be careful what you wish for" nonnie. I mean that with the most compassion. I think you may have wanted more of the Ewan you thought he was. Or even that what you thought you wanted changed. We all change and, yes, it has been almost 2 years!! So you aren't the same person either. Give yourself and Ewan a break - a lot can happen in two years!
Lastly, and I can't fix this for you only offer my opinion, I think you should try to reframe how you look at the show. You can enjoy a film/series without needing to know anything about the actors. This part of the fandom should be fun. I want you to be able to enjoy it and there may be nothing that can make you like it anymore. However, I would like for you to think about actors as people. People who have a job and do it every day just like we do. We can't know why they do it, what their motivations are, but we can enjoy the fruits of their labor.
I think Ewan love his job, genuinely. Watching him talk about Aemond... he just exudes enthusiasm! I think loving your job that much is a gift. I don't believe he enjoys being in the public eye, but promos like this one are with coworkers who he has known for at least three years now.
If you read this far, anon and anyone else, maybe you'll have a slightly different perspective. I think anon's feelings are valid, because most of us get emotionally attached to actors and we can only ever know what's presented to us through media. If anon feels let down or disappointed that is valid, even if I don't believe it's because Ewan is fake or an extrovert. I think he is young and learning more about his industry. I hope he continues to grow as an actor and as a person. I hope it doesn't disappoint more people, but as long as he is happy and remains kind I want him to be more comfortable doing the job he seems to love.
#love my anons#asked and answered#ewan mitchell#we all have feelings and they are valid#feelings are not truth
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GUILTY AS SIN? BUT WOLFSTAR
Okay so everytime I listen to this song, I imagine Remus and Sirius (the ATYD ones) singing it for each other. And I really need to get this out of my head so here we are:
Drowning in the Blue Nile
He sent me 'Downtown Lights'
I hadn't heard it in a while
My boredom's bone deep
This cage was once just fine
This whole part is Remus. It's literally about HIM. Him talking about his "cage" (i.e. St. Edmund's) , which he had accepted before Hogwarts, and even the Shrieking Shack before the other Marauders transformed into animagi and helped him. Before Sirius told him that he doesn't deserve to suffer alone.
Am I allowed to cry?
This line is TOO accurate for ATYD Remus, as he's always avoiding crying and sees it as a weakness.
I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves
Basically him after he meets Livia. My guy was ready to leave Hogwarts before NEWTs to go to the pack and kill Greyback ASAP.
Or the ocean rocks
Crashing into him tonight
He's a paradox
I'm seeing visions, am I bad?
Or mad? Or wise?
"Ocean Rocks". Taylor, you're not doing anything to disprove that you're NOT MsKingBean89. I think of them having confessions at the beach in Cornwall. Remus yelling at Sirius on the same beach and spilling his thoughts out after the staying with the pack for a month. Him having an identity crisis and screaming "I don't know who I am anymore!". Later that night, Sirius telling him that he's his Moony.
What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Them constantly fighting and then wanting for it to be over the next moment. Making up later.
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
Now I think the next verse is from Sirius' perspective:-
I keep these longings locked
In lowercase inside a vault
Sirius keeping his thoughts of Remus away from Walpurga. From the Dementors.
Someone told me
There's no such thing as bad thoughts
Only your actions talk
"Love is something you do"
These fatal fantasies
Giving way to labored breath
Taking all of me
We've already done it in my head
If it's make believe
Why does it feel like a vow
We'll both uphold somehow
Post Halloween 1976 Sirius thinking he's not gay and this is just his teenage hormones™, and wondering if HE has corrupted Remus.
What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
My bedsheets are ablaze
I've screamed his name
Building up like waves
Crashing over my grave
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
Finally, the BRIDGE:-
What if I roll the stone away?
They're gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me
Is actually what's holy?
I imagine this to be from Remus because of all the hate werewolves get. He's always thinking that at the end of everything, he'd still be hated for what he is.
If long suffering propriety
Is what they want from me
They don't know how you've haunted me
So stunningly
I choose you and me
... Religiously
This is Sirius because everyone thinks he's guilty immediately because of his family. He never got a trial and was sent to Azkaban. The internalised homophobia and his love for Remus scared him so much, so it can be said that Remus HAS haunted him.
So yeah, in conclusion, Taylor wrote this song about them. Thank you for reading my gibberish ily here's a cookie 🍪
#wolfstar#the marauders#wolfstar taylor swift#the tortured poets department#ttpd#all the young dudes#atyd#mskingbean89#dead gay wizards from the 70s#sirius black#remus lupin#marauders#guilty as sin?
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// small warning big re touken hate it's a post on why I hate it and how I think it could've been done better BUT I encourage you to keep reading if you do like them and to give me your thoughts whether to tell me why you like them or why you think im wrong in some regards i love a good debate its why i joined Tumblr
I'm gonna start this off by talking about why I loved the original mangas touken.
They start off as strangers, them only having a REAL meeting when she saves his ass from nishio. Initially she was cold and rude, for every reason he was very disrespectful(also for good reason he was scared and all he knew about ghouls is that they are monsters who hurt people, one literally just had him in a choke hold) but I digress. Kaneki starts working at anteiku and he's shadowing touka much to her dismay she feels he can't do anything right and is just a know it all human.
Right off the bat they have a very interesting dynamic, touka learning to care for kaneki him starting to see her(and ghouls as a whole) as a person and not something he should be afraid of.
As time goes on, touka falls for him, it's what makes everything so hard when he abandons her. She feels betrayed he left just like ayato and her dad did no one ever stays for her? How could they? She makes herself so hard to love shutting everyone out. She blames herself partly, not being able to protect him from whatever happened at the aoigiri base.
When she does see him again she's angry! How dare he come back after all this! Why can't he just make up his mind! So she lashes out, she misses him so dearly but she can't tell him that? Let him know she cares? She hits him and tells him to never come back to anteiku (to her).
You can see why it's so appealing!! The angst!! The drama!!! They have it all! Toukas longing and kanekis isolation are what makes them so GOOD.
To explain why I don't like re touken we have to talk about why I don't like re touka.
Touka before was a very well rounded character, she was brash and a little impulsive, she loves the people around her even if its hard for her to show it in a healthy way. She'll do whatever it takes even if it means risking her own life.
Re touka, doesn't really have that. She's very... Water downed. I like to call it house house wife-ification. She's lost any semblance of her old personality. While I do like the idea of touka calming down and becoming more docile it's not done right, we meet her again and she's just... Like that? There's no character development of her changing it just happens! She's shaved down so she can be the perfect love interest for kaneki, it's even shown in her design! Her eyes are softer and she doesn't hold any of the same energy as old touka(this happens with a lot of female characters ishida just ended up giving them all the same face besides eto).
Kaneki is? Fine? I loved haise as a character and him and touka were sorta cute if u kinda ignore that fact touka isn't touka. Kaneki was fine and re and that's it, he's just okay. His Savior complex is removed and it's just "I wanna save people!!" The whole reason his savior complex is important is BECAUSE it ends up hurting more people he should've been developed to learn how to manage that and be the hero he could be.
Now for their actual relationship.
It's very.... Rushed? There's no tension no build up just "are you a virgin?" Which in my opinion is something touka would never say she'd stumble around it. they made her bold at the wrong times she's an awkward lil freak. And then boom! Sex yeah! And it's? Okay? It's not my favorite I felt like a sex scene between them should've been more desperate!! That's when the marriage bite should've happened! It should've bites and messy kisses and promises to never leave again! There was no passion! There was the "why are you crying" but that didn't really do anything for me!!
I do like the end scene where she was petting his hair that was very soft which is what he needs.
Then toukas pregnant!(Which is something I'll get into good another time) And it kinda feels like they only rush into the marriage because she is... Like I feel like they should've atleast had a dating stage y'know!! Everything just felt so fast with them and nothing like the original:(
The end credits scene feels nothing like touka, she looks dead that's not the character I used to know :( kaneki too only the scene with hide felt real
And yeah! I like ichika! But how cool would it have been if touka got pregnant AFTER re and in the end credit thing she was revealed! Another natural born one eyed ghoul!! Idk...
This is very messy sorry I had to get this out. if you like them? That's fine!! That's super duper cool its just not my favorite. Tell me why you think I'm wrong! Id love to hear your opinions
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so as a fun life update, i'm off to London on the 5th for the Star Wars Celebration!
I won't be around on tumblr for a bit while traveling but feel free to follow along on Instagram and Twitter :') (or just follow in general even if you don't care about my "swbc takes swcl" adventures)
Also if you happen to be there, then find me and say hi! I don't do hugs and i won't have fun art to give you, but i will give you a high five and take a selfie w/u hehe
#anyway here's hoping it doesn't end up like last year's scotland trip I'm so anxious#everyone keeps telling me it will be fine and I'm just YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!#never mind me in general#i'm also going to be a bit off line to avoid toh spoilers LMAO#I can't believe the FINALE IS AIRING NEXT WEEKEND I'M GONNA CRY!!!!!
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tag the oc that's most likely to get stuck in a time loop and what kind of time loop it would be
#I feel like Kyana has time loop potential but idk what the exact loop would be#maybe the loop is the entirety of DAO and she keeps getting companions killed/locked into their Bad Endings#and the loop only stops when she manages to get them all to survive the Blight#something something she needs to learn to be a good leader and care about others#unsuccessful loops reset via the archdemon killing her (even if the dark ritual was performed)#Selene gets the classic 'your love interest keeps dying and you try to stop it' time loop#to escape the loop she must Let It Happen (and then it turns out it's fine and everyone survives)#Secret gives me the vibe of someone who knows they're in a time loop but has given up on trying to solve it#she's just going through it. trying everything. keeping herself entertained. trying to stay sane#sometimes she clues Varric in on the looping. sometimes she doesn't#actually maybe her time loop rule is that someone else has to save her from it. nothing she does by herself will work#idk what the exact reset point would be#I'm thinking the Arishok fight maybe. or Meredith#I don't think it would go as far as the Fade#also. after writing Homecoming I did have the thought of a time loop story#with Dorian as the one being trapped and trying to prevent Neil from dying/becoming possessed#maybe in his case he's not really trapped. he can stop anytime he wants but he keeps choosing to go back#the reset point is something Solas-related maybe#herearedragons meta#oc: kyana amell#oc: watcher selene#oc: secret hawke#oc: neilar lavellan#oh. actually. Aqun would be pretty fun to put in a time loop#that runs over some part of DAI and/or Trespasser#Adina is his time loop buddy (the person he usually tells about the loop because she immediately believes him)#idk what his reset/escape condition would be though#maybe in his case it's something purely mechanical#like there's no lesson to be learned it's just a magical anomaly he's trapped on#and on a meta level the 'lesson' is accepting that not everything has a Purpose or a Reason
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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boy howdy, I am working myself into a full panic over this. if I get an hour of sleep tonight it will be a miracle.
#like this is an INTERVIEW. do you know how many job interviews I have had in my life????#compared to how many jobs I have had???????#I GOT REJECTED BY WALGREENS FOR CHRISTS SAKE#I just. this man is holding my entire plan for my future right now in his hands#if he doesn't want me. If he decides I wouldn't be good in his lab I don't know what I'll do#like yeah yeah life will keep going and the world will keep turning and stuff#but I am not joking I will be devastated. and then I will have to TELL people about it#and like I still have yet to hear back from the other school and none of the professors there have talked to me#so idk if I could do what I want to there either (they do have the classes I want so I'm assuming one of the professors does what I want)#and everyone keeps saying it'll be fine and I'll do good and anyone would want me in their lab#but I DONT THINK IM IMPRESSIVE. I compare myself to other scientists and eh. I don't measure up#like sure I have good bench skills and I can learn pretty much anything you set me to#but I don't know how to come up with research proposals#I don't know how to ask good questions about papers I read#I don't have good ideas for further research#like. I did library prep at work for 3 years and we recently hired someone who has more or less taken it over#and he actually understands and talks about the actual molecular processes in a way I never learned#idk I just feel like yeah I'm good at science. but I'm good because I'm good at following directions#I am not actually inovative or creative or increasing understanding#point is I am stressed and people keep telling me not to be but I don't believe them and I am scared that I have got myself too excited#and I am about to be let down very hard very fast#and I don't really have any safety nets in place if it doesn't work out
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very impossible to find the balance between "i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their problems and tell me when they're struggling" and "i am extremely emotionally fragile at the moment because i'm doing very badly and talking about very heavy topics especially with no warning is not something i feel capable of dealing with right now because i'm on the verge of a violent mental breakdown"
#i guess i need to find a way of telling people that i'm in that headspace in the first place#because i probably seem completely fine#but i can't tell people those things unless they explicitly invite me to do so first#so i'm assuming everyone just looks at me and goes yeah you seem fine so i can unload all this heavy stuff on you and you'll be able to cop#but unfortunately. i cannot and i feel guilty about it#but i already have way more bad days than good and when i have to hear people talking about like#very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit#it throws me off for the rest of the day and i go nonverbal until i can go straight home and sob until i fall asleep#and that is not an exaggeration it keeps happening to me with multiple different people#i don't want anyone to feel like they have to pretend around me in any way#but i also don't know how to cope with hearing intense things like this when i'm on a knife's edge mentally all the time#and i cannot afford to keep cutting my days so much shorter when i should be working#and also like when people DO talk to me about these things it's like#it's good they can get it off their chest#but now i'm holding onto all of the stuff they've just told me as well as the stuff i was already secretly holding onto about my own life#and now i have to go home alone with nowhere to put any of it because i don't have anyone to talk to#i've had people tell me this is therapeutic to talk about this stuff#but it's not for me because i'm not talking i'm just listening and then being overwhelmed and triggered and upset about it all#and most of it probably boils down to the fact that i cannot express my own feelings or tell people my boundaries#in situations this sensitive because it's so like. precarious and awkward#but i'm like i can't deal with it all the time it's too much
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So it turns out that 8 seasons of The Blacklist is bordering on too much. Not because I don't still enjoy it, but because it's got a relentless myth arc that doesn't have nearly enough resolution the longer it goes on.
I think there's a trope on TV Tropes called the Chris Carter Effect, named after the showrunner of the X-Files, where a show will keep adding onto its myth arc until the show implodes and people stop watching because they don't care what the mystery is any more. It took one turn too many, kept people on the hook for so long that they ate through the bait and decided they didn't want to be reeled in.
For the most part, I think shows that do this aren't wholly planned out. I think Lost was a big example of this in the 2000's, it was written as it was being filmed and the ending disappointed because they couldn't possibly resolve everything in a way that made sense - it was never written to make sense. From what I hear, the X-Files pulled the same move of building up this myth arc even when it was revived. Some shows thrive on that "down the rabbit hole" feeling without actually having an endgame.
I don't think The Blacklist is that kind of show. It is absolutely a "rabbit hole" type show, it's a conspiracy thriller - what I mean is that I think it has an endgame that it's had set in stone since at LEAST season four. The issue is that it just isn't giving up the goods, and the conflict is now being built on top of that tension instead of resolving the tension. It's beginning to get frustrating.
#the blacklist#mind you I still like the show#and also frankly? I like what they're doing with elizabeth keen. haters fuck off#I'm at the point where seasons 1 and 4 are my favorite seasons. season 6 marked a significant decline imo#some of that is because of keen. some of it is because of reddington. I'm firmly on keen's side in that she's been drawn into this mess#and she hasn't had any agency or any relief from this waking nightmare that the past 8 years of her life has been#people on imdb are going 'shes the worst part of the show just kill her already' and it's so annoying#like she's a flip-flopping primetime TV protagonist. it comes with the territory y'know. she does her job as a character and it's fine imo#that's the worst part of the viewing experience so far - this fanbase that's frothing at the mouth insisting she's the worst part#I'm not entirely happy with her character arc either but the hate is just really shitty#ultimately the way the show handles her character can be poor#lots of character shilling while a list of her manipulating and hurting everyone else keeps adding up. that's a bit frustrating#that being said - as a relative civilian being groomed into the criminal lifestyle by a person who's clearly close to her#but never actually discloses his relationship to her? who is proven to be so deceitful past a certain point#that she can't even trust him after what he had her believe?#and trust me I know what the big fan theory about that is. the reason I'm watching the show is because of that. and I'm loving it#but elizabeth keen doesn't know that. and she's turning to extreme measures just to find closure for a mystery that reddington opened up#just by stepping into her life without telling her why. I 100% side with keen even if her character can be wonky#and her methods aren't great. I totally get why she's like this. and I don't like how other people react to her showing up for 2 minutes#by docking review points for the episode and saying they should kill her off. I'm really getting sick of that
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#situation in life is sinking in and i feel really crushed. i know i'll be fine but that doesn't mean things are okay#i'm really tired of having to constantly choke up and bottle my emotions#i know a lot of them are incorrect but that still doesn't stop me from feeling utterly useless in every sense of the word#i don't feel like i'm enough for the people i love. part of me just wants to fade away and be forgotten. it'd be easier on us both#my suffering is just a problem for me and everyone else. my existence is and has always been a problem for other people#i keep telling myself it'll be better later on in life but i'm so tired of acting like everything's fine#it's so crushing. when you don't have the rights other people have. when something as simple as needing food is a problem#i only have so many 'it is what it is' left in me man#i feel sick and tired and sad. drained#loosing sight of the point of life honestly. everything i do is for other people and even that isn't enough#idk#delete later#i kinda just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a few days
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Wanting to isolate but not able to shut the fuck up like ??? Idk I feel weird I have to sleep
But then the new week will start and Monday will be stressful because of a big event on Tuesday and Wednesday and the apartment is completely neglected again it just makes me more depressed but my ex doesn't care and now he's sick so he won't do anything around the house either way so if I don't do it it doesn't get done and that's the reality of everything irl currently
#mot#whine mood but at the same time I don't want people to worry#friends telling me they worry and that I can talk to them and I know!!#it's actually good you're worried because I'm not fine#BUT#evil brain going 'youre annoying everyone with your bullshit its better to keep it to yourself'#and I'm just like 'yes sorry you're absolutely right'#no!!!#don't listen to the evil brain summer what are you doing???#into the woods I go#folks it's late I'm sorry I'm just a mess lately don't mind me#actually maybe do mind me I need attention I'm just weird about it
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Ignored again today, going to start maiming the hostages until behavior improves
#Look at my bids for human connection LOOK AT THEM#''why don't you ever talk about yourself unprompted'' when I speak no one listens to me#I don't even have the energy to ask why they're ignoring me anymore#Tf am I going to get in response? 'o sorry lol my brain sux'? And then it'll just keep happening? Yeah I'm good#Stupid fucking moron can't discern fantasy from reality- actually believes friendship is a real thing that can happen IRL. More at 11.#Idiot#Should've learned from the last 15 people who ditched you as soon as they realized you were too fucking weird for them to handle#Why the FUCK would any other human on this stupid fucking mud ball be any different???#You've done it man. You've seen all there is to see. Let it fucking go already. Friendship is a lie sold by big cartoons to make you believe#In something more so you have enough hope to keep on living day to day so that you can be exploited for money#Give it a rest!!! There is no friendship and there is no fridge! They LIED!#For real though#I'm so fucking tired of being ignored all the time. I don't know why it always happens or what I'm doing wrong but I can't stand it anymore#And every time I bring it up I get hollow empty apologies or excuses and no matter what it will continue to happen#I really don't know what else to do. I've spoken to people. I've not spoken to people. I've reached out. I've stayed silent. Everything.#I can't fucking do this anymore I don't know what's wrong with me that makes people think it's fine to do this#People just get angry at me for things they don't tell me or assume I'm angry at them when I'm not and then the whole friendship falls apart#And I can't keep doing this#I don't know what it is about me that makes this so fucking difficult but I can't stand it anymore#My very fucking existence must be branded with something that makes people go 'this one isn't too important we can just ignore it to#Conserve energy' because it happens with *everyone*#Ffs my dad can't even be bothered to remember how old I am#There is something seriously wrong with me#There has to be#I don't think I'm going to be able to escape it
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─ you're the sunflower ੈ✩‧₊˚
✶ pairing: miguel o'hara x fem!reader
✶ synopsis: everyone on the team loves you, expect miguel who seems to hate you more than anyone.
✶ warnings: angst!! major angst. sunshine!reader x grumpy!miguel. reader is nicknamed sunflower, mentions of death.
✶ notes: there's one spanish sentence in this, I'm not good with spanish so if I've made a mistake please tell me so i can fix it! part two is already up!!!
Everyone on the team loved you from the moment you joined, everyone, except Miguel.
You knew Miguel was cold towards everyone, but he was extra cold with you. Maybe it was because of how different your personalities were.
You were the embodiment of sunshine, always positive in any situation, putting others before yourself. Hence why everyone calls you sunflower, it fits perfectly, Miles was proud of coming up with it.
Miguel on the other hand was cold and distant but that didn't stop you from trying to get him to open up. You'd try to have simple conversations with him but nothing, all you would receive in reply was an eye roll or a slight grunt, but you wouldn't give up that easily.
Like today, you got him some coffee.
"Morning, boss. Got you some coffee." You said in your usual cheerful tone.
"Why?" He raised his eyebrows, looking down at you suspiciously. That's the most he's said to you all week.
"Because I wanted to." You shrugged, placing it down on his desk.
He steped down walking towards his desk, you couldn't help but stare at him, unfortunately for you, everything about him was so attractive, it's such a shame he hated you.
"This isn't how I like my coffee."
"Huh?" You snapped out of your daydream at the sound of his voice.
"The coffee, it tastes terrible. Get it from another place next time."
"Well, actually I made it-" But he had already walked away from you not listening to a word you said. "Alright, never mind, I'll just go back to work." You mumbled hurt by his words.
"Wait, hold on." You looked up, thinking, maybe he'll say something nice after all.
"Yeah?"
"Take the coffee with you, I won't be drinking it."
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
"Girl, why do you look so sad? Did Miguel do something again?" Jess asked with a frown, she did not like seeing you sad.
"No."
"Sunflower…"
"Okay, yes." Miguel being cold towards you was normal, he never spoke to you unless necessary. Out of everyone here, he probably hated you the most, even more than Miles.
"Sunflower, I've told you to stop trying." Jess sighed.
"I know, I know… why does he hate me so much, Jess?"
"That's just the way he is, don't overthink it. It's his loss, baby." She replied, gently patting your shoulder.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Today was going to be a good day, you were so sure of it.
But, of course, you were wrong.
Everything was going great up until a few hours ago.
Miguel had assigned you on a mission to catch an anomaly, alongside a few other spider-people. His instructions were clear, stick to the plan and catch the anomaly. It was supposed to be simple.
If only you didn't disobey him. You screwed up badly, and because of that, you could have been killed.
"Why don't you ever listen?" Miguel shouted. No one had ever seen him this angry.
"I was just tryin-"
"¡Ay, por el amor de Dios!" Being yelled at by your boss in front of your coworkers was humiliating, everyone was looking at you with pity.
"I'm sick of this, why can’t you follow simple instructions? Is it that hard to understand?" He barked, towering over you.
"It's not a big deal." You tried to keep your composure, you didn't want to humiliate yourself further by bursting into tears.
"Not a big deal? You could've died! A simple mistake would have ruined the whole mission."
Don't cry. Don't cry.
"But we're all fine, aren't we?" You weakly chuckled. That was the wrong thing to say because it only made him angrier.
"Oh? If that's the attitude you have then you shouldn't even be on the team." Ouch.
"Miguel, I think that's enough-" Hobie said, quickly jumping in.
"Not now, Hobie." He growled.
Never once did you think that you'd be in a situation like this.
"If you put more focus on trying to be good at your job, rather than impressing me, we wouldn't even be here!" Oh, so he did notice that.
At this point, tears were streaming freely down your face and you made no attempt to stop them.
"Yep, you got it, boss." You smiled up at him through your tears. It was pathetic, but you did not care, you just wanted to leave and never come back.
"Next time make sure this doesn't happen."
"It won't happen next time." That's because there won't be a next time.
#📂 ‧₊˚ my works .ᐟ#miguel o'hara#miguel o'hara x reader#spiderman across the spiderverse#across the spiderverse#spiderman atsv#spiderman x reader#spiderman#spiderman 2099#spiderman 2099 x reader#oscar isaac x reader#oscar isaac#miguel o'hara x you#miguel o'hara angst
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Sea Cryptic! Danny AU- Pt. 5
[Pt.1] [Pt.2] [Pt.3] [Pt.4] [Pt.6][Pt.7]
“So you’re that dead kid everyone’s talking about.”
Danny smacked a trash bag into the purple clad vigilante. “You can pick up the glass.”
“Wait, I’m just here to-”
“Bother me when I’m working? At least the litterer brings me cash. You can help clean or you can leave. Plastics go over there.”
Danny pointed at a pile of plastics, ignoring Spoiler’s bemused look. Hard to tell, really, considering her mask.
“I’ll help clean if you answer some questions!” Spoiler chirped, already moving to pick out the glass in the general trash pile Danny’s managed to gather. He nodded.
“Alright. At least you’re helping. The other one just bothers me and leaves his stuff on the beach.”
Spoiler snorted. “I’m Spoiler. Is the litterer Batman?”
“Sure. I don’t really care what his name is,” which was a complete lie, Danny was a fan. It’s just that messing with Batman (especially after he couldn’t clean up after himself, honestly!) overrode his fan behavior. “But if I catch him leaving shit in the waters again…”
Danny frowned, eyes glowing. He could feel- even with his partial tangibility, the muck of Gotham's waters seeping into his boots. It was not giving 'Live, Laugh, Love' to Danny, and he needed it gone.
“Whatever. They dropped a lot of guns down here. You can deal with those too, yeah?”
“I'm pretty sure that's evidence?!”
“If you could call it that.” Danny plucked away the Styrofoam and the hazardous (more than regular, anyways) materials away from the trash pile so Spoiler could dig through with her gloves without contracting sixteen different sorts of illnesses.
“So, what brings you to Gotham?”
Danny pointed at the water. “Came for school. Stayed because you losers polluted the water with dead bodies and gross chemicals.”
“You go to school?”
“Hey, that’s discriminatory.”
“Oops! No, sorry! I meant-”
Danny waved her off, irritably separating a bottle cap from the crushed bottle. Seriously, what’s the point of putting the cap back on if you were going to throw it in the bay anyways?
“It’s fine. How else am I supposed to learn about the advancements made in the scientific industry otherwise?”
Even if Danny wasn’t too sure that science could sure stupidity, but a halfa could dream, right?
"So... do you just... listen in on lectures?"
Danny stared at her. "What else would I do in a class??"
"Oh. I just thought since you're dead and all, you'd do something more... fun?"
"I mean, I could terrorize the local villains for kicks, if that's what you meant."
Spoiler brightened. "Actually, yeah! That would be helpful! If Mr. Freeze keeps bringing the cold during my latte Thursdays, I'm gonna snap and wring his cold little chicken neck."
Danny snorted. "Alright. I will keep an eye out for this Mr. Freeze." Danny paused. "Hey, tell your friend to come down and help us."
"What- oh. Black Bat!" Stephanie waved her partner down. Black Bat gracefully slipped down towards the bay, casually knocking out two goons gunning for Spoiler.
'Careful,' Black Bat signed.
"Thanks!" Spoiler bounced on the heels of her feet. She swept an arm out. "Wanna help?"
Black Bat tilted her head and, after placing Danny under quick but thorough scrutiny, nodded.
'You can get the salvageable stuff. Anything you can't lift, leave to me.' Danny signed clumsily, placing emphasis on can't.
"You know sign language?"
"I'm not too good at it, I just learned this version."
He knew ghost-sign first, after all.
"Chop, chop. I don't have all night."
----
Danny learned that Black Bat had the skill to knock cans into their designated piles if he threw them in the air so she could kick at them.
"You two can come back anytime."
Spoiler whooped while Black Bat leaned back, smug.
"Wait, tell the litterer he owes me $200. He was short last time."
"...Are you telling me Batman owes you money?"
"Yeah. He might be in financial straights, so I gave him some lee-way."
Black Bat and Spoiler looked at each other.
----
"Hey, so guess what I learned about sea boy!"
Bruce's head swiveled to her with startling intensity. The rest of the clan tuned in.
"He knows sign language! Maybe he even knows ancient sign language! And goes to school, but since he's like, dead, he could only listen to the lectures."
"Bruce, Bruce, do not start a ghost-education plan. Stop. We don't even know if he even-" Dick tackled Bruce, who was already writing a petition as Bruce Wayne to give partial credit to students that diligently goes to class.
"Oh, yeah!" Stephanie shouted over the unraveling chaos. "He promised to fuck with our Rogues for a bit so we can get a break! And we also got a bunch of guns!"
"Where? Gimme!" Jason demanded.
"Do not give Todd more firearms!" Damian cut in.
"Also!" Stephanie grinned as Cass shook with laughter. "Batman's a debtor! He owes Phantom $200!"
"Ain't no fucking way." Tim cackled. "Hear that Bruce? That's karma! For not defending me when he called me broke!"
#batman#danny phantom#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#bruce wayne#bruce has already adopted this kid#just not with paperwork#but that's a trivial matter for BatDad#he's also going to adopt both tucker and sam#dcxdp#sea cryptic! danny au
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