What happens in Kroner

M15+ | S6 after Rain King |AO3

Summary: Part 1 of my new series. Mulder and Scully wake up together on their last day in Kroner and decide to test the boundaries of their relationship.

@today-in-fic

Sunlight peeking through the broken venetian blinds was a welcomed omen for Scully, who had been lying in bed waiting for a sign that this limbo would soon be over. The weather was clear and finally they’d be on the first puddle jumper out of Kroner, Kansas. Mulder casually rolled over to face her, groaning as his body surrendered to waking up, grumbling a ‘morning’ to a very awake Scully. The anxiety of sharing a bed with her partner was enough to keep her from falling into a deep sleep the night before and the noise from the other motel guests returning from the reunion didn’t help the matter. Somehow Mulder managed to block all of this out and fall into a deep sleep, while Scully watched his sleeping form with envy.

“Mulder, do you realize you say my name in your sleep?” Scully’s tone is inquisitive, and although Mulder knows he should feel some sort of embarrassment, he’s tired of this dance and is ready to lay his cards on the table.

“Actually, you’re not the first one to tell me this.”

Scully lifts her eyebrow, wanting to know what other bedfellows he’s had and surprised to hear that this is an established pattern.

“Just from the guys, oh and Skinner-“ Mulder answers.

At the thought of Skinner saying something Scully shakes her head and pinches the bridge of her nose while Mulder continues to dig a deeper hole.

“Good thing I don’t have a more active social life or my sleep talking could get me in trouble.”

“Good thing.”

The room is starting to feel more charged and Scully takes this casual comment as confirmation that Diana hasn’t been participating in any adult sleepovers. Tenderly brushing hair out of her face Mulder scoots up to make sure they’re face to face, they both know the intimacy they’re enjoying is stolen, but it doesn’t stop them from reveling in it any less. Mulder attempts to break the mounting tension by continuing his ramble.

“I guess saying your name in my sleep would probably be no less awkward than if I were to call you before bed.”

“Mulder, why would you call me if you’re in bed with another woman?”

“I always talk to you before I go to sleep-“ Mulder’s countenance is so earnest that Scully’s heart swoons with his admission. Her hand finds it’s way into his hair and she’s unable to resist scratching the hairs on the back of his neck. “I think the subconscious talking you could probably play off but the conscious choice to call me before bed would be a deal breaker for any sane woman.”

Mulder gives a laugh, “very true. I’d also have to explain why they’re getting introduced to your mother before mine.”

“What?!”

“Every time we talk Maggie asks me if there’s someone special and has made me promises to introduce her-“

“Oh God-“

The realization that her mother has been subjecting Mulder to the same interrogations over his love life is mortifying. Scully rolls onto her back and covers her face, cringing at the thought.

“Scully, now you know the real reason I’ve been single for so long. It’s not just because all womankind have unanimously decided I should be alone, but I am actually scared about introducing anyone to your mother.”

Scully can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all, Mulder’s soft chuckle harmonizing nicely with hers.

“Welcome to the club. Your instincts are right, she is the worst to introduce any dates too.”

“Is this because of what happened when she met Marcus?”

Scully stops dead still at the mention of this particular anecdote, which she knows for a fact she’s never shared with Mulder.

“Mulder, just how often are you talking with my mother?”

Feeling a little defensive, Mulder quickly retorts “a normal amount!” Scully says nothing but her raised eyebrows challenge his statement loudly enough.

“Seriously, it’s not like we chat. We just talk because I call her whenever something happens to you, and she also checks in every once in a while if she hasn’t heard from me.”

“That’s the definition of chatting!” Scully is bemused by the discovery of Mulder’s relationship with her mother. Just when she thinks she has this man pegged he comes out with some new endearing facet that makes her love him just a tiny bit more. “At least you know she approves of you.”

Mulder unconsciously twines their fingers together and smiles at her.

“I wouldn’t say she approves of me. Just because I’m her adopted problem child, doesn’t mean she thinks I’m good enough for her daughter.”

“Trust me, my mother adores you.”

“You’re telling me that the very Catholic Margret Scully would be ok with us being a couple? I’m not buying it.”

“Ask her next time you chat-”

“We don’t chat!”

Scully can’t help laughing at Mulder’s exaggerated frustration.

“On that note, I’m going to shower now. You should probably avert your eyes. From my casual exterior it might seem like I haven’t noticed I’m in bed with a beautiful woman, but my body definitely knows.”

“It’s a perfectly natural physiological response Mulder. So you have little nocturnal penile tumescence.” Scully’s tone sounds unaffected but her smarmy dig doesn’t go undetected.

“Little! I’m not going to take that lying down!” Before Scully can move away Mulder has her pinned down and is tickling her ribs while Scully squirms and squeals. It only

takes a few moments before Scully demands a truce, Mulder yields satisfied his point has been made. They both stop and catch their breathe, staring at each other and shaking of the tail end of laughter. After a pause Mulder’s face suddenly turns serious as if he’s remembered something of vital importance. This is a look Scully has seen many times and assumes he will be darting out of the room any second with some vague statement, off to find monsters or chase his latest crazed theory. Instead, Mulder slowly leans over and gently places a soft, chaste kiss on Scully’s lips, retreating quickly with a sheepish smile.

“What was that for?”

Scully is surprised by this sudden move but can feel a big smile on her face, mirroring Mulder’s grin.

“I just realized we’re flying out of here in a tin can. If we go down I don’t want Sheila to be the last person I kissed.”

Scully chuckles, “well in that case.” Her hand moves to the back of Mulder’s head, he takes the signal and lets her pull him in for another kiss. The kiss is slow and tenuous but definitely less chaste. Her hands move to his cheek as the kiss deepens, while Mulder’s hand slowly strokes her hair. It is not the frenzied passionate kiss she thought they’d share when they finally submitted to their feelings but there is a gravity to this kiss that anchors them to each other with an enormity that feels all consuming. What was meant as a simple kiss has turned into one of their conversations, each taking turns to lead while the other remains fully engaged. Despite its long duration, there have been no attempts to progress things further on either side, both content to stay in the shallows of this first step but unwilling to pull away or stop.

Always in sync they finally pull back at the same time, fear and trepidation thick in the air, neither sure what to make of this turn of events. Finally, Scully looks Mulder in the eyes, she can see he shares the same fears and concerns, conflicting with want and she’s emboldened by this realization.

“What happens in Kroner stays in Kroner?”

With a huge smile Mulder agrees and moves his head back down to continue kissing her at their previously established slow and luxurious rate. He’s caught off guard when he feels Scully’s foot guiding up his calf and hooking him in so he’s forced to move closer. Mulder’s restraint snaps as he’s pulled in to Scully’s body. His tongue thrusts into her mouth while his body grinds against hers. Their hands rub and pull on each other, dying to get closer, losing themselves in each other. Each roll of Mulder’s pelvis is met by Scully’s, their bodies connected in some primal dance. Mulder’s body heat permeates through Scully as the friction overwhelms her senses. This isn’t a high school make out session, their bodies have become an extension of one another and Scully soon finds herself climbing towards release. Intuitively Mulder’s body responds to hers as he thrusts and grinds with just the right pressure to send her soaring over the edge. As her orgasm begins to engulf her, Scully pulls away from his lips, resting her forehead on his while she unravels. Before Mulder can follow suit an ominous chirping sound resonates through the room and breaks the spell. Realizing it’s Scully’s cell phone, Mulder rolls off her so she can answer it. Scully answers her phone, and he can’t help but smile to hear her voice is still affected and she sounds slightly out of breath. The call is brief and she passes on the confirmation that their flight out of Korna is scheduled to leave at 10. The phone call is like a bucket of ice water on them, each unsure how to proceed. Mulder makes the first move and gets out of bed heading for the shower, offering Scully a high five on the way. She obliged but rolls her eyes as she does it.

When Mulder reaches the bathroom door Scully calls out, “Mulder-“

“Yeah?”

“I was wrong.”

The statement hangs in the air for an eternity and Mulder panics that Scully might be regretting their earlier indiscretion. Scully sees his tortured face and laughs, clarifying her statement, “you’re definitely not little.”

Mulder has no response to this, Scully got him good. The best he can do is throw his tshirt at her face, shaking his head in amusement.

Now he just needs to work out how to make this all happen again outside of Korner.

love that bitch. the shape.

Context for the uninformed is I woke up one day and was like “what if swatch had a deadbeat loser pathetic cringe sister” not much more to it

SH Day 12- ANBU Black Ops

@sasuhinamonth

たえる Part 2 (taeru=to endure)

Part 1

Rated M, Ninja Universe that underwent some changes (you’ll see that I use major events in the canon world but there is a lot of history that’s altered), OOC (major OOC for Hinata especially)

Warning: self-harm, mental health, sexual harassment, trauma

Hello, dears, I play quite a bit with chronology in this chapter, I hope it's all easy to understand. I made moth things be during summer so around the time of the girl SH month which is why in all the cases you'll see Sasuke is 1year older than Hina, since his bday is in July and hers in December. I hope you enjoy, ~Love Dia

Sasuke, age 23

I think it’s fair for me to say that I’ve been through a lot, not many things shake me anymore and all the things that have made me worried in the past years have had something in common, they were all somehow related to Hinata. I remember when I woke up after the war, I was chained to a hospital bed, placed under a jutsu that blocked my chakra, I was missing a limb and I was on the verge of insanity once more. The only thing that calmed me down was her image. Even without my chakra I searched for hers. She too was in the hospital; I found her signature light purple chakra but it was so faint and small I almost missed it. Seeing her like that made me crazy with worry, once everyone left my room, I broke all the chains and dragged myself to her room despite the pain. I hadn’t thought of her as fragile since our reunion when she was 15. I could barely stand to see her that way, and even if I wanted to stay and watch over her for longer, I could feel Naruto’s chakra getting closer, which meant I had to leave. For the following weeks I could only go and see her late at night, for there was always someone in her room, Naruto, her father, her sister, some sort of nurse or medic. I recovered under a month, yet I stayed until she woke up.

I was the only one in the room when her eyes opened, she looked confused and for a moment I was sure she had amnesia and would not remember me, us. But for the briefest moment her eyes rested upon my figure and recognition was there, relief was there, gratitude, affection and many other nuances that I can never seem to read or fully comprehend reflected in her eyes. I took her hand and kissed the back of it, allowing myself a small selfish gesture before leaving the room to inform the medics she woke up. Sakura gave me a strange, questioning look when I told her Hinata had woken up, but I didn’t care about subtlety at that second, I just wanted them to check her for any issues, I wanted her to be physically fine.

She didn’t have many memories of the war when she was first questioned, but they came back in waves and waves. I could tell that the questions overwhelmed her, much like the people that littered around, there were over 10 visitors in her tiny hospital room, from her father to Naruto, Kiba and many others. I just watched the whole situation from outside her window. I noticed her looking around, searching for someone that wasn’t there. No, it wasn’t me, she knew I wouldn’t be there when other people were, I knew exactly who she was searching for, that’s why I wanted to be close by. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, I knew things would take a turn for the worse soon enough. I saw it, the exact moment the fog raised off of her memories, the moment in which reality hit her, the moment in which the remaining light in her eyes died.

She asked for Neji, Naruto cringed, her father was the one to inform her of his passing. She asked when the funeral was going to be and silence fell onto the room. Sakura tried to slowly explain that the war ended two months ago and all the dead were already long buried. Hinata cried, she cried for her fallen cousin, she cried for missing his funeral, she cried for herself. They all gave her hugs and condolences, they reassured her that none of that was her fault. They all expected her to mourn and soon enough bounce back to the façade she always kept around the people in the village. They were unaware of the emotional depth her sadness could reach. I knew their expectations would never be met, I could tell that the headspace she was in was similar to the night I found her on the forest floor, she had the same look in her eyes as when she constantly begged me to let her die. Knowing all of that, I expected her to make certain choices, yet, despite knowing what was to come, I was unable to help, there wasn’t a single moment in which she was alone for a week to come. And when it all happened, I panicked at the notion of her death and responded wrongly to her actions.

I wasn’t watching her when she attempted to kill herself, I was with Tsunade who kept insisting that I accept their fake arm. I was in the midst of refusing once more, when I could feel a commotion in her room, I left without a word and ran there. The image that was in front of me wasn’t surprising but it was just as heart-breaking. Hinata’s bed was covered in blood, her left wrist was being treated by Sakura but you could still see the long and slim-cut along her wrist, Naruto was holding her other arm trying to put pressure on her wrist to stop the bleeding. It scared me, the amount of blood on herself and the bed, her light-headedness and indifference indicated that she had been bleeding for a long time. She waited for a moment in which I wasn’t there either, she wanted to escape me too. Had Naruto and Sakura been late they might have found her corpse instead. I left the room to calm myself down, I couldn’t cause a commotion. I tried my best to come up with kind and comforting words to tell her later when I would return to her room, but when I did, the image that greeted me, her arms strapped to the bed, made me lose my composure. I screamed at her, I can’t even recall what I said but I know it was very inappropriate, she laughed, she cried. Trying to comfort her with only one arm was difficult, that was the very first moment when I even considered accepting Tsunade’s offer, but in the end I didn’t. I spent every night that followed with her, after the initial shock I was able to recall the words I meant to give her, I knew they weren’t going to miraculously fix everything but I felt that she needed them nonetheless.

She apologized for considering that path and acting on her thoughts. I undid her chains and pulled her to my lap as she talked. “The moment my eyes moved past Naruto’s shoulders and I saw you in the door frame I regretted my choice, I wished I could undo it if only to never have to see that look on your face” I placed my face into her hair and just breathed her in. “I think I understand a little better now…what you felt when Itachi died, when you found out the truth. Our situations aren’t the same but I remember how…” she stopped, searching for the perfect word.

“Crazy? Unhinged? Mad?” I provided, but she frowned and shook her head.

“No, no, none of those…how anguished, sorrowful, wretched you were at the time. You come to me in a very agitated state, I was scared and concerned but couldn’t grasp that feeling. Now I do” If I’m honest I don’t remember how felt at the time, I don’t remember many things about that period of my life, all I know is that I wanted to give up, I thought I had made only wrong choices in my life, but I saw her and I remembered that even I could save someone.

After a few more nights she assured me that she was now mentally stable, her sadness was still very much present, but she had not had any self-harming thoughts. The decision to leave the village was very difficult at the time, but Hinata assured me that she enjoyed our routine and wished to continue it. I left but our correspondence was much more frequent than before the war, I would write her every other day and she’d reply as soon as my messages reached her. It took a bit over 3 months for her to resume her work as an ANBU, and a bit over 8 months in total to convince Kakashi to promote her to ANBU Black Ops. Her missions became more difficult and longer, she even had a mission in Amegakure that lasted half a year. When she first sent me the message informing me of the location of her mission it reminded me of our first encounter after I left the village. Our encounter that summer isn’t a memory I think of fondly, I was cruel, I was insane, I abused my knowledge of her trauma. Whenever I remember my actions, I want to go back and rewind the time, I want to apologize to 15-year-old Hinata, she was meek and fragile and I broke a part of her. She was doing her best to survive and to keep going and I was a huge obstacle in her recovery. When my feelings for her started changing I was always self-conscious whether they were genuine or not, wasn’t I using her? Wasn’t I just feeling guilty?

Hinata, age 15

I am nervous as I pack my bag for this mission, it is my first solo mission ever. 6 months after I became a Jonin and Tsunade finally trusts me enough to allow me to go alone in a mission. The destination is Amegakure and the mission is supposed to last for about to 3 weeks. The difficulty level of the mission is only B which I’d be pretty annoyed at, but the distance factor and the solo factor make up for it so, I am equally nervous and excited. When I told Neji about the mission he was concerned but didn’t show it much for my sake. Instead, he congratulated me and we had a small picnic in the outer skirt of the Hyuuga estate as celebration.

Now I am looking through my dresser for appropriate clothes for the rain to pack, I have to look for another set of kunais just in case and prepare myself a couple of bentos to have on hand. Slowly, the closer the night before my departure gets the less anxious I am, excitement seems to be the winning sentiment.

The morning of, I wake up at 4:30 a.m. and am unable to sleep longer. By the time I am fully dressed and ready to go it’s only 5:00 a.m. and the sun is barely raising, but I decide that it is light enough outside for me to leave. As always whenever I pass through the forest there’s a chill going through my veins and my enthusiasm is a bit dampened, I actively try and avoid that specific place even if it means it will add to the journey time. On the schedule, Tsunade gave me I’m meant to spend 8 days on the road to the village, approximately 4 or 5 days into the village and 8 more days back.

The mission itself isn’t supposed to be that difficult all I need to do is meet with different people in the village give them the scrolls Tsunade gave me and wait for their replies. All in all, there should be no fighting, I’m mostly a messenger but the large amount of people that need contacting made it impossible for a summon raven to deliver the scrolls. My adrenaline rush of being on my own, experiencing what freedom feels like made me speed up during the journey, I took less stops and didn’t even spend the night in one of the Inns I was supposed to. Thus, not only did I depart earlier than planned but I arrived into the village almost a day and a half ahead of the schedule. Since it’s still barely past noon I decide to start the mission a day early and I am able to cover a fifth of the task on the first day.

People usually when talking about Amegakure call it gloomy and depressing, but I enjoy walking around in the rain, the temperature isn’t too high despite it being the middle of a heatwave everywhere else, the smell and sounds of rain also add to its charm. The Inn I’m supposed to stay at for the duration of my mission is on the outside of the village, it is away from the noise of the centre, but not far out enough to say it isn’t part of the village at all. Walking into my room I sit down and finally grasp that I am days away from Konoha, I am alone. The realization makes me emotional; I hadn’t realized how much I needed to be on my own, how good it would feel to put distance between me and everything that Konoha entailed.

Sitting alone in the dark, only with the occasional lightning brightening up my room, I make a decision, I promise myself to only ever come on solo missions. I’ve endured years of discomfort so I deserved to feel this way, if only during missions. I take a shower and go to bed, I’m not as physically tired as I thought I would be after the journey and that worries me. I don’t want the nightmare to come and ruin my mood, but I close my eyes nonetheless.

It feels like barely a second passed when I open my eyes and see the cool light coming from outside. The sun is hidden behind the clouds of rain, but its light still pushes through to an extent. I had no dreams, no nightmares. I rested well and I feel better than I did in many years. I walk barefoot onto the cold wooden floor and I open the window, not caring that the rain is getting both me and the floor wet. I close my eyes and feel immensely liberated, the heavy chains that dragged me down at all times disappeared. Nobody here knows me and I don’t know them, I am but a face in the crowd, this anonymity offers me the independence I never knew before.

I complete the mission in under 3 days. I feel faster, stronger, happier here. It feels like I can do anything and everything. I have about 3 days I can waste in the village, under normal circumstances I’d return immediately to Konoha to get another mission and the cycle would repeat. But I decide to stay here for a while longer, I want to enjoy this feeling to the best of my ability. The day right after completing the mission I simply stay inside and sleep almost the whole day. I’m recharging my batteries which have been on low for 3 years now. I forgot what being well-rested felt like.

The following day I decide to wander around some more. The mission had me walk all over the village’s centre so, I decide to check out its outskirt more. I go and eat delicious food at a small booth owned by an older couple. Due to its relatively small scale Amegakure’s buildings are much much higher than those from Konoha so I climb on top of one that I deem to be among the highest and sit there, in the rain just watching the busy streets, looking over all the sky-high buildings and enjoying the feeling of being unrestrained by people’s gazes and expectations. For the smallest second, I feel someone’s gaze on me but I discard it as being the locals looking at the strange outsider that’s standing in the rain. I refuse to let my mood be dampened, not when I am just as high as this building is.

I return to the Inn and decide to take a shower, tomorrow is going to be my last day here and I feel like time is moving far too fast. I’m rinsing my hair when I get the same feeling as before, like someone is watching me. Before I can dismiss it again, I hear steps behind me, my mind goes blank. I’m suddenly turned around by a powerful hand, before closing my eyes I see a pair of black dead, unfeeling, cold, cruel, scary, scary, scary, scary eyes. I close my eyes and clench my jaw; I can feel tears trailing down my face. I’m hyperventilating, I can’t move, I’m weak, I’m small. I whimper when I feel his hand touching the scar right above my pelvis. The touch transports me back to when I’m 12 and on the ground, my legs no longer support me, the only reason why I’m still standing is because the man is holding my arm in an iron grip. The moment passes and his hand is gone allowing me to fall to my knees and then onto my butt. I have no idea how long I stay there in a trance. When I’m finally able to regain strength in my limbs to feel and make small movements I notice the shower water is freezing cold despite it being set to warm. I turn it off and walk into the room, there’s no trace of the man anymore, he didn’t do anything beyond touching my arm and my scar. Maybe he was simply created by my brain, yea no one was here, how could they be, why would they be.

I can feel myself slipping into hysteria as laughter bubbles up into my throat. I look around the room again searching for proof again and I sigh in relief when I find none. I’m finally calm enough to get dressed but I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. There’s a handprint on my arm where he gripped me. The print is red and turning a weird purple colour in places and yellow in others. He was here. He was real. I take small breaths in order to calm myself, I am fine, I am here, I can’t even picture the face of the man that was here, I try to force myself to forget the handprint, it was just a dream, another nightmare.

I pack my things and leave that very night despite being tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to return to Konoha, and I can’t stay here, I don’t know where to go. The freedom I felt before gave me an amazing sense of accomplishment, but now it is a source of unease. I feel lost and like I do not belong anywhere. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I close my eyes and just sit on the floor outside of the village, waiting for something or someone to come get me. But nothing happens and the weather is turning cold despite the summer so I pick myself up and start walking wherever the road will take me.

I don’t remember the journey back home, I can’t even tell in how many days I completed it, I didn’t stop at all, I just ran. I ran from the man, the past, I ran from my weak self. I thought myself to be strong now that I am a Jonin, but I froze and was unable to do anything all the same. I need to be more than I am, I need to be stronger, braver, untouchable, more perceptive.

I hate myself for hesitating to enter the Konoha, I hate myself for hesitating to take on a new mission when Tsunade offers it. I hate myself when I have to walk through the halls of the Hyuuga compound, I hate myself when I hide from Neji. I hate myself when I walk into my room and burst into tears. I hate myself for getting my hope that high in Ame only to have them all crash and burn. I hate that I feel more broken today than I did 3 weeks ago.

Sasuke, age 16

I’ve been in a weird mood since a week ago when I saw Hyuuga in the Village Hidden in Rain. I hadn’t heard or seen anything related to Konoha since I left during the Chunnin exam. She was my first contact with it. Hinata Hyuuga, I remember her name clearly, she holds a special meaning to me, she is a life I saved. I saved her back before I was caught up in any business with Orochimaru, when I still thought following Kakashi was the right path to take, back when I was stupid and naïve. I hadn’t thought of her since that moment, but when my eyes fell onto her, I felt proud that she survived, but I also felt the need, the urge to utterly crush her beneath my feet. Her life belongs to me; I saved her so, I have every right to destroy her.

I could tell she was uncomfortable with me there, I felt her flinch as I traced the scar above her pelvis, I heard her whimper when I turned around, and I saw from the corner of my eye, as her legs have in and she fell to the floor. She looked small and pathetic and I felt strong in comparison.

However, now, days later I feel…guilt. I feel as if I used something against her that I shouldn’t have. At the time her image was blurry and not something I paid attention to, but I can clearly see it now whenever I close my eyes. He white skin had almost no imperfections besides the three scars, her eyes were shut tight, her face was red and wet, at the time I gloated at the thought that the water droplets were tears, now I’m hoping they were from the shower. Her long dark hair was wet and clinging to her body. She did her best to hide from me with her hands, with her position slightly bent. She was helpless, she didn’t even try to stop me, she didn’t scream or fight back, she froze in place and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. At the time that too made me feel powerful, I deluded myself into thinking that my presence as Sasuke Uchiha made her cower in fear. Now that I am analysing things once more, I realize it was her trauma that rendered her powerless, it was my presence that caused her fear, but she wasn’t scared of me, Sasuke, but rather of me, a male; she didn’t see me as an individual but as the image of the man that hurt her in the past.

Realizing that in her mind I was equal to that disgusting piece of trash makes me livid. I clench my jaw, pick up the first thing I see, a jar of whatever substance from one of Orochimaru’s labs and I throw it to the wall. The green liquid escapes its container and slowly eats away at the wall and ground, the sizzling noise and putrid smell don’t even bother me. I’m angry at her, I want to find her and scream in her face that I’m not that man. I wanna shake her until she understands. I am mad at her, at myself. Kabuto comes in and curses, he drags me out and talks under his breath, his presence adds to my anger.

“What do you want?” I ask him, I’m looking down at him. I grew taller these past few weeks, taller than him. I want him to pick a fight, I want a reason to smash his face in. The image of his bloody face as he lays unconscious on the ground would bring me the satisfaction I need. He looks mockingly at me, that’s enough to start a fight.

Less than 20 minutes later the fight is over, he’s not unconscious, he’s still standing, more precisely, walking away. But he is bleeding and so am I. The fight didn’t help. I still feel angry, but my anger is slowly being overshadowed by guilt.

The sudden urge to find her and apologize overcomes me, but I dismiss it. She’s long gone…I checked. The two of us won’t meet anytime soon and even if we do, I’ll never apologize, not to her, not to someone that…weak…

Hinata age 22

After sleeping in until 11 after all, I wake up to Sasuke’s face next to mine, I feel at ease, I feel happy. I cup his face and place a kiss over his closed eyelids. I feel his change in breath when he wakes up but his eyes remain closed. His arm comes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, slowly he opens his eyes and offers me a lazy smirk. For a while I forget that we’re in Konoha, I forget everything about people trying to control me. All my worries just disappear with his presence.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks and brushes my bangs out of my eyes. ‘You’ I want to say, but I decide to be selfish instead. I sit up and he does too, I move towards him and place myself on his lap, we are chest to chest, face-to-face. “I am unsure how long they’ll make me stay here. This... sensei job…they could stretch it for months, who knows.” I hate that that’s true, I hate that they’re trying to cage me into the village. “it’s difficult being here for an indefinite period of time, especially since I don’t have out missions to look forward to. So…” I stop talking, rethinking what I’m about to ask, wondering if it’s worth it, but he looks at me with no judgement, he’s waiting patiently. “So…I was thinking. Maybe being here in Konoha would be better…if you were here as well” Part of me initially regrets the words and wants to take them back.

“You want me to stay here until you can go back to your normal missions” he didn’t formulate it as a question so I didn’t reply, mostly because I didn’t trust myself not to say no, to act like it was a joke, so I stay silent. “Ok, I will” his hand is on my wrist and it’s slowly moving up under my tank top. “You should already know that anything you ask of me, I’ll do Hinata” I do know that, but this was something that I had been afraid to ask for a while. Would staying in Konoha be better with him here? It must be.

We talk some more about his stay in Konoha and then proceed to eat a late breakfast. “I passed by the cottage outside of Amegakure on my way to Konoha” that cottage will forever represent my safe space, all my memories in it are out-of-this-world happy. The cottage itself is pretty much outside every territory of every village, it belongs to nobody, yet that’s the place I feel I belong in. I stayed there for my thirst or fourth mission as an ANBU, as usual Sasuke met up with me and we live together there for months. Sasuke and I worked together for most of my missions, we completed them faster than it was estimated they would take and we spent the remaining of the time just being together outside of all the rules of everyone. That was the place in which after much deliberation and inner-fights I decided to put my trust in him. By then we had already expressed our feelings verbally and with actions such as kisses and hugs, but I wanted to move past that because I craved that closeness with someone, I wanted a stronger bond between us, but also out of spite, I wanted to prove that I was able to enjoy sex. I wanted to prove that what had happened no longer affected me. Out first time was a bit awkward, we were both virgins, Sasuke was overly conscious of making me feel comfortable and I just wanted it to be done with so our desired speed didn’t match, but it happened and it was fine. The second and third time around it was much better and now we reached a point in which intimacy with him doesn’t scare me in the least, I love it and it makes me feel amazing. I am aware that I’m not fully over the incident, the close proximity of strange men that I don’t know still bothers me at times, however, I am much stronger and able to protect myself, I am just...wary.

I end my train of thoughts by going back to the memory of our first time and it makes me giggle a little. Sasuke asks me with his eyes what I’m laughing about and my reply is only a smirk, I see the wheels spinning in his brain and the connections being made. I love that after so many years we’re able to just understand each other in this manner. He gets up from his chair and walks around the table to place his hand on the nape of my neck. “I can show you how much I’ve improved since than” he whispers and bends down to kiss me. I smile against his lips and loop my arms around his neck allowing him to pick me up.

I must have fallen asleep again because I am woken up this time by Naruto loudly knocking on my door. He left me alone yesterday because Sasuke was around but I guess even his long-lost best friend can’t keep his attention off of me for more than 24 hours. I look next to me and my heart hurts because Sasuke isn’t there. I tell myself it’s because he felt Naruto so he left, but I still don’t like that.

Naruto keep knocking on the door and I’m sure he’s about to tear it down if I don’t open it soon so I walk to it in my pjs with my hair a mess. When I open the door, he stops in his tracks. “Oh…” his eyes linger onto the scar on my shoulder, he has an obsession with it I’ve noticed. Does he believe that’s my biggest scar…if only he knew. “I didn’t know you were sleeping, I’m sorry”

“After yesterday’s mission the kids have the day off so I wanted to rest” I don’t assure him that it is ok even though I know that’s the polite thing to do. I am bitter and annoyed that Sasuke isn’t there. For a split moment when I woke up, I thought I had imagined his presence.

“I just wanted to bring these to you.” He says and presents me with a pile of papers. “I know you were given them before when Kakashi assigned you as their sensei” hah, like it was Kakashi’s idea. Hokage-sama wouldn’t have pushed me into being a sensei from a Black Ops and we all know that. I know Naruto pulled all of the strings to get me here, however, Kakashi-san is also to blame for allowing all of this to happen “but I think you should really read them well, you said you have a free day today. I can stay here with you and read them together”

I look at him and his easy-going smile. On normal days I’d try and be nice, but all I want to do today is spend my time in peace. “I heard Uchiha-san is back. Are you sure you want to spend the day with me reading about some kids rather than catch up with him?” I feel sorry for guiding Naruto towards Sasuke, but I know Sasuke and if he’s one thing, he’s good at not being found.

Upon hearing Sasuke’s name Naruto’s smile brightened to the extent that it actually hurt my eyes. “I already saw and talked to him today” He left before Naruto came here, was it before we ate? After? When did they meet? “We talked and agreed to go on a mission together this week” He’s leaving after I asked him to stay “We went to Kakashi and already got all the info, so I’ll spend a lot of time together with him and find out all about what he’s been up to in these years and I ---” Naruto keeps talking but I feel suffocated.

No Second Chances

Part 3

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester x Reader, Castiel x Reader

Warnings: Eating Disorder, Anxiety, some angst, 

Word Count: 1935

A/N: Hey guys, I’m so sorry this took so long, I got a bit emotional writing it and wanted to make sure I did the story justice. Thank you all for being patient. 🥰

Black Lives Matter

RIP George Floyd

  You opened your eyes the next morning to an empty room, your Dad had cleared out his things and left you to get your rest. Glancing over at your alarm clock, you're surprised to see that it read 11:00 am; you had been asleep for almost twenty hours. Your muscles were stiff, and your back protested when you sat up, but you ignored the pain and stretched your arms high above your head.  Now that you were awake, you couldn't ignore the need to pee, but going to the bathroom would alert your Dad to the fact that you were conscious.  You argued with yourself for a few minutes, trying to hold off any serious discussion for as long as possible until you couldn't possibly hold it in any longer. You swung your legs out of bed and stood up, groaning as you stretched out all your stiff muscles.

   Not yet fully prepared to talk to your Dad after you had woken up properly, you opened your door quietly, still hoping to sneak to the bathroom without bringing attention to yourself. As your door opened, your eyes were drawn to the figure on the floor opposite your room. Lying on his back, with his jacket bunched up underneath his head in place of a pillow; your Dad was fast asleep. You stayed in the doorway, forgetting your need to use the bathroom, unsure of whether you should wake him.  He looked peaceful in his sleep, but you knew he couldn't be comfortable lying on the floor like that. After another minute of deep consideration, you decided it would be best to wake him up, knowing if he woke up on his own and you weren't in your room he would get worried. 

  "Are you going to stand there all day?" His quiet words stopped you from moving forward, and you jumped back in surprise.   You met his now open eyes as he sat up from the floor with a groan. "I thought you were asleep, sorry."   "I've been awake for a while, just thought I would wait for you lying down. It was more comfortable than sitting." You watched your Dad get up off the ground gracefully, sending you a soft smile, but you frown at his words.   "Why are you waiting at all?" You turned your back on him, choosing to not wait for his reply and head to the bathroom.   Your Dad followed you down the hall as replied. "Because it looks like I was right in thinking you would have gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom, then gone back to your room. I mean, that was your plan, wasn't it?"   You turned around and gave him a short look, not appreciating his unique fatherly approach so soon after waking up. Stepping into the bathroom, you shut the door behind you, creating a barrier between you and your overbearing Dad, who it seemed was going to be watching you like a hawk today.   You turned on the tap, and stared at your reflection, waiting for the water to warm. Deep purple bags sat under your eyes, and your hair was a wiry mess. After washing your hands, you cupped them under the stream to collect the water, throwing it on your face. You were drying off when Dean knocked on the door and opened it without waiting for a response.   "You're taking too long". You spun around to face him, his head peeking through the opening.   "Are you going to be like this all day?" You threw the towel onto the bench and pulled the door open completely, pushing past him.   "I haven't decided yet."   You shook your head at his reply and paused briefly in the hallway. Your Dad had been right in assuming you had planned to go back to bed after using the bathroom, but with him standing right next to you, that was no longer an option. Frustration bubbled in your chest at the lack of choice Dan was leaving you.   Your Dad noticed your hesitation and placed a gentle hand on your back and began guiding you away from your bedroom. You glanced back at it wistfully but accepted that today was not a day to push buttons. You knew what the problem was, so focused on impressing your Dad and pleasing other people, that you failed to look after yourself. You weren't sure what was worse, the anger you Dad had shown you when you had snuck out, or the concern and disappointment you were convinced he was feeling now.   You came to a stop in the library where Sam and Cas were sitting at the table surrounded by open lore books; both raised their heads to look at you, Sam smiling at you sadly. Surrounded by pity and distrust is not where you wanted to be, and you turned around to take shelter in your room.   "(Y/N), don't. There are things we need to discuss." Your Dad stopped you from going anywhere, his hand firmly gripping your shoulder. "Stay here while I make you some breakfast."   Your first instinct was to tell them that you weren't hungry, but you bit your tongue, knowing that wasn't going to fly. With a grunt, you sat down at the table next to Cas, trying to get as far away from Sam's pitying eyes as possible. You slouched down in your chair and crossed your arms over your chest, making it clear you weren't happy.   "Did you sleep well?" Sam asked, doggy-earing the page he was reading before closing the book in front of him and turning all of his attention on you. "We had Cas put you under for a little longer to give you some extra rest", Sam spoke glancing at Cas. "Maybe a little too long, you were out for about twenty hours."   "I know, I can count." You didn't mean to snap, but you were feeling trapped, Sam's rambling wasn't helping with the unrest you were experiencing. Sam raised his eyebrows at your outburst but didn't say anything, so you didn't apologise. You knew they were only trying to help, but the overprotective behaviour was pissing you off.   You all sat in silence while waiting for Dean to return with your breakfast, Sam reopened his book and continued to study up on the monster of the week, Cas continued to watch you causing you to squirm in your seat. You knew he could see more than just your tired eyes and outward annoyance; he could see the pain in your muscles, the hunger in your stomach and the disregard in your heart.   You watched as he stood up from his seat beside you and stretched his arm out towards you. You grabbed his wrist to stop him, his fingers only inches away from your forehead.   "If you even think about knocking me out again, I'll kick you so hard you'll think you're human." You stared him down as he frowned at you. You had never spoken to Cas like that, and you had obviously taken him by surprise.   "(Y/N), I was only going to heal your stiff muscles and see how you are after your sleep. If you don't want me to touch you, I won't." You nodded at him and let go of his wrist, closing your eyes as you leant back in your chair, permitting him to do his angel thing. You knew that it would have been childish not to do so, knowing he was only trying to help. Everyone was only trying to help, yet the more they wanted to help, the more you felt the need to push back.   You savoured Castiel's warm power as it moved through you searching for something to fix, and when he pulled away from you, you quickly missed the contact. Opening your eyes, you were not surprised to see Sam watching with a curious look, and you rolled your eyes at his need to knowing everything.   Footsteps broke you out of your angry thoughts, and Dean placed a plate piled with fried breakfast in front of you. Your eyebrows shot up at sight, and you glanced at your Dad in horror.   "I can't eat all of this." The plate was full to the brim, a large portion of scrambled eggs took up almost half of the plate, the rest was taken up by bacon and three hashbrowns.   "You don't have to, but you have to eat eggs and at least some of the bacon. I gave you more than you needed in case you decided you could fit it all in." He nudged the knife and fork closer to you then sat down on your other side, resting his feet on the chair next to Sam. You grudgingly scooped a forkful of eggs into your mouth, cursings your Dad's cooking ability. The honest truth was that you were hungry, and it was hard to deny that you didn't want to eat your favourite breakfast, but when you glanced up to see that they were all watching you closely your patience disappeared.   Slamming the fork onto the table, you stood up to make yourself taller. "I'm sorry, but no, this isn't working for me. I'm going to my room." You pushed your chair out and turned away from the table, and smacked right into Cas' chest.   "Stop, sit, eat, and listen." Your Dad's voice was firm, almost angry, and you cringed at the sudden escalation. You sat back down in your seat but left the food untouched, Sam and Dean's frown did not go unnoticed, and it made you feel momentarily victorious. Your Dad moved his feet off the table and leant forward in the way he always did when things were serious.   "The attitude has to go. You'll never get better if you don't start accepting help. You have to believe that we love you for who you are, not who you think you have to be. You have to teach yourself to eat because you want to, not because you're hungry. And we are going to be with you every step of the way. I'm sorry that you're upset, but I can't stop what I'm doing, because then I would be helping you hurt yourself." Your Dad moved to sit on the table next to your breakfast; you turned your head away not wanting to make eye contact however he had different plans, lifting your chin up to look him in the eyes. "I need you to eat three meals a day, and I need you to realise why that's important. I'll also be cutting down some of your training; you don't need to run three times a day, yes, I noticed.  We are going to watch movies together and eat ice cream; we're going to play board games and card games and be as lazy as we want. Cas said you need to gain fifteen kilos to reach a healthy weight, so that is what you're going to do."   If it weren't for how softly he spoke and how much love he pushed into his words, you would have run away right then, but you knew he was right as much as you wished he was wrong. You glanced at Sam and Cas who had been observing you tentatively and at the concerned expression on their faces.   You took a deep breath before looking back up at your Dad whose gaze never left you. "Alright." You picked up the fork you had previously discarded and started eating.   You would do this for them. You would help them by helping yourself.  

tags: @akshi8278​

Only Fun If You Get A Scar Out Of It

Summary: Post-THW. (but diverges before the ending) "Yeah, it's only fun if you get a scar out of it." Astrid vaguely remembered making this statement years ago as a response to something the Thorston twins once said. Watching her husband struggle with the loss of his leg eight years after his amputation, she feels like a fool.

Rating: Teen and up

Words: 1 644

Author’s Notes: For the whump prompt "Chronic pain" from the Httyd whump Discord, a prompt I was very excited to do. I like to headcanon that Hiccup's amputation lead to him suffering from chronic pain as a result.

Constructive criticism is appreciated and I do not own How to Train Your Dragon.

Enjoy!

Also, I still don't know how to properly use the word "had".

AO3

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It is late in the afternoon when Hiccup and Astrid return home after a flight taken over New Berk together.

Pushing the door open, Astrid helped Hiccup inside. His arm rested on her shoulder and he leaned on her as he limped.

"Easy," Astrid told him, keeping him steady. Toothless warbled something behind them as he followed them inside while Stormfly remained outside, too big to fit through the door.

Hiccup gasped and cringed as a particularly bad pain ran up from his stump and through his hip. Astrid paused to allow him to breathe through it, giving him a moment.

"Chair or bed?" She asked when the pain seemed to subside enough for him to move again and Hiccup needed to think for a moment.

Would he take the easy way and sit only to possibly be in more pain later when he needed to get back up? Or would he take the extra time and energy required to walk all the way to bed in a different room?

Ah well, at least he didn't need to do stairs. Their house was built in a way to have everything on the same floor and it was built that way just for him. So he might as well go directly to bed.

"Bed." He decided and Astrid nodded before supporting him all the way there. Toothless already shoved things aside to clear a path for them. Hiccup didn't need to maneuver around or over the furniture or the mess they hadn't had the time to clean yet.

"Thanks, Bud." Hiccup told him and patted him on the nose on the way to their bedroom. Toothless purred as his Rider passed him by and then left for the kitchen.

Astrid helped him inside and lowered him onto the furs. Hiccup groaned out loud as he moved to sit down and Astrid kneeled to help him remove his prosthetic. It was an action that caused him great discomfort, but would help relieve him in time.

Standing and walking brought him nothing besides pain, but sitting down somehow made it even worse with the pressure no longer on his stump. Hiccup once again needed to breathe through the hurt. Astrid fumbling with his prosthetic to remove it didn't help much either. She tried to be careful, but her efforts amounted to very little.

Once it was off, Hiccup sucked air in through his teeth and lied down on his side, arms crossing and head on his pillow. He was plagued by the chill and that was partially due to how exhausted he was.

"Not planning on removing your vest?" Astrid asked as she stood and he shook his head with a no.

"Okay." She whispered and, while still holding onto his metal replacement leg, decided to take a seat on the edge of their bed and gaze at him.

Hiccup lied facing away from her, his eyes already closed. If his pain allowed him to sleep, he would've dozed right off.

But if the rummaging in the kitchen was any indication, Toothless was searching the place for willow bark.

In their shared bedroom, it stayed quiet for a couple of moments as Astrid kept her gaze on her husband. If it wasn't for his deep frown, she would've thought him asleep already. Knowing this, she decided to speak up.

"That wasn't one of my best ideas, was it?" She spoke, referring to the afternoon flight they had taken with just the two of them and their dragons.

Hiccup opened his eyes again to look up at her. He didn't answer her, which said enough.

Hiccup had told her his leg was especially bad that morning and still she had insisted on taking to the sky. He let her convince him, albeit because of the assumption he wouldn't need to worry for about half an hour or so. He missed being in the air for hours.

They got to taste the freedom of the sky for not even ten minutes when his leg started hurting so bad he feared he and Toothless would crash.

Flying back and landing had each been a horrendous experience for his burning leg, but getting the prosthetic loose from its stirrup had been a completely different kind of nightmare. The pain in his stump had traveled up to his knee before it continued to his hip. He would've cried if his pride hadn't kept him from doing so.

Astrid would've carried him inside, but with worried and pitying gazes already on him, Hiccup had stubbornly decided to walk inside himself.

He looked back in front of him again and Astrid released a quiet sigh, feeling guilty.

"I thought it'd be nice." She admitted, speaking of her idea to go flying.

"Well, it wasn't. What would've actually been nice would be a day without pain." Hiccup replied, perhaps a bit angrier than he meant it to be. Astrid stared at him in sympathy, she could hear his frustration.

Briefly glancing at her, Hiccup quickly apologized.

"I didn't mean to snap." He added, but Astrid was already running her fingers through his hair reassuringly.

"You call that snapping, Babe? You've "snapped" worse." She told him, remembering a particularly bad moment in their lives when the late Stoick the Vast lied on his death bed and Hiccup blamed himself for putting him there.

She wished he wasn't hurting so much.

This wasn't phantom limb pain, though he had plenty of those days, too, here in the far North. This was a pain he has felt nearly every single day for the past eight years, ever since the day he lost his leg.

He had good days, the very rare pain-free days, and then there were days like these. When he woke up hurting and went to sleep still hurting.

It was draining. On days like these, Hiccup would be exhausted by the time midday arrived and it seemed to be getting worse with each passing year and he was only twenty-three years of age.

In the three years after his amputation, it had been fairly easy for him to hide his discomforts and simply shrug them away. The Dragon Riders only knew of them when that year spent on the Edge forced Hiccup to come clean when he collapsed because his leg refused to cooperate after a battle with Viggo Grimborn and his men.

He'd hated every minute of it, but this sentiment was shared with the Riders. Hearing that your best friend suffered on a near-daily basis behind that mask of smiles, high energy, and sass had been hard on all of them. That the only reason Hiccup came clean was because he wasn't given any other choice and not because he wanted to had made his confession more difficult to bear.

Two years earlier than that, Stoick made Hiccup go for a visit with Gothi after Gobber happened to mention that this kind of pain was quiet unusual and Gothi diagnosed his pain as being chronic.

Chronic and growing worse.

As Chief, he wasn't exactly allowed to just sit his days out either. Not that someone as fidgety as Hiccup could ever sit still for long.

Moving, Astrid gently pulled on his pant leg to reveal his stump to her. The scarring there wasn't irritated at least, one worry less.

"How do you feel?" She asked, her gaze still trained on his leg.

"Like it would be really nice if Toothless found that willow bark." In response, the Night Fury could be heard grumbling in the kitchen. He was big and the space he searched was quite small in comparison.

"I'll go help him search and after that, you can get some sleep. I'll wake you for dinner. It's Fishlegs' turn tonight." Astrid got up from the bed. When Hiccup nodded and closed his eyes again, she decided to take her leave.

As she closed the door to their bedroom, one last glance at Hiccup before he vanished from view, she couldn't help but think of a certain claim she'd made so many years ago as she stood there.

"Only fun if you get a scar out of it, huh?" She asked herself, as if the old fifteen-year-old girl she used to be could hear her. They were foolish words spoken by a child who wanted to sound tough in a world where being soft was seen as a weakness and a detriment.

She had to admit, though her scars were exciting tales she would proudly tell their future children and Berk's, Hiccup's was one that has brought him pain and misery for years and would do so for many more.

It was required of him as a Chief, and her as a Chieftess, to have heirs. With the pain he was in so often, Hiccup wasn't even sure he wanted them, afraid his disability would affect them somehow.

At least his lightning scar simply looked cool and gave him no further troubles, though it was quite sensitive to the touch.

Astrid wondered if her fifteen-year-old self could see the kind of suffering her future husband was to go through for saving Berk and ending a near four-hundred-year-old war, if she would still see having scars as fun as it once did.

She remembered witnessing his amputation. Hiccup hadn't been conscious for that, fortunately, but she had wanted to help her new, and already dear, friend. It was a memory that stayed with her still. At least ever since that event, scars weren't as much the ultimate achievement every warrior strived to reach as they once appeared to be.

No use fretting over it now. She promised Hiccup to help Toothless find and prepare that willow bark. His one way to soothe his pain, if it worked. Turning away from the bedroom door, she made her way over to join Toothless in the kitchen.

What’s Happening?–Stiles Stilinski

Stiles's POV

I couldn't stop it.

I wasn't even aware that something had happened until a scream echoed off the school walls.

"Y/N," I said looking at Scott with wide eyes. We turned around and started heading towards where we thought we heard the scream.

"Y/N!" I yelled as we raced through the halls.

I started to head down one hallway when Scott grabbed my arm. "She's this way," he said quickly as we sprinted down the other way. We pushed the doors open causing a loud bang to ring through the gym.

My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw Y/N in the middle of the gym, lying in a puddle of her own blood. I ran over to her and knelt in front of her, pulling her into my chest.

"Wake up, Y/N. Please wake up." I said as I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and pressed my fingers to her neck. I gasped when I felt her pulse slowing down with each beat.

"Scott," my voice broke. He looked at me before looking down at Y/N in my arms, probably listening for her heartbeat.

"I'm so sorry, Stiles." He said reaching out and pushing some hair out of her face.

"Please, Scott," I begged.

"Stiles," he sighed, knowing what I was going to ask.

"Scott, please," my voice broke. "I can't. . . We've lost so many people already. We can't lose her too."

"You know that it may not work," he sighed.

"I know that. I just. . . Please. We have to try."

He didn't say anything, just nodded. I held my breath as Scott reached down and hesitated before grabbing Y/N's wrist.

I watched him as he shifted. I sucked in a breath as he slowly brought her arm up his mouth. He pulled away, traces of her blood now present.

We both held our breaths as we waited for something to happen. "I told you that it might not," Scott started to say but was interrupted when Y/N gasped.

"Y/N," I smiled as I cupped her cheek. My smile fell when I noticed she still hadn't opened her eyes.

"Something's wrong," I rushed out as I watched the color drain from her face.

"What do you mean?" Scott asked, scooting closer to us. "She isn't rejecting the bite."

"But she isn't accepting it either." I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. I gasped when Y/N's eyes fluttered but still didn't open. Her lips moved, but no sound came out.

"Y/N?" I said, softly. When I said her name, her eyes fluttered again. Suddenly, I heard her breath get more and more unsteady, almost like she was struggling to breathe.

"We have to do something," I said, looking up at Scott.

"What?" He asked. He ran his hand through his hair as Y/N continued to struggle to breathe.

"What about Deaton? We could take her to the animal shelter. He can help her."

"It's worth a shot," Scott sighed. The look on his face told me that he didn't really think Deaton could help Y/N, but we didn't have much of a choice.

***********************************

The ride to the animal shelter was absolute torture. Scott drove my jeep as I sat in the front seat with Y/N on my lap. I didn't care about car safety. All I cared about was feeling her heartbeat against my chest and her breath on my neck.

The minute we got to the animal shelter, Scott jumped out of the car and carried Y/N inside with me at his heels.

"Scott? What's going on?" Deaton asked once we had gotten inside.

"It's Y/N," I started to explain. "She was bleeding and Scott gave her the bite but. . ."

"She isn't accepting it," Scott finished.

Deaton walked up to Scott and looked at Y/N gasping for air in his arms. "She isn't rejecting it either," he mumbled.

"Do you know what's wrong? Can you help her? Is she going to be okay?" I rushed out, my hands starting to shake.

"Scott, take her to the back room," Deaton instructed. "Stiles, I need you to take a deep breath. Whatever is going on with Y/N, she is going to need you to be conscious."

I nodded before following him to the back room. When we walked in, Y/N was laying on the cold metal table. Her shirt was drenched in blood and sweat. My heart sank when I heard her whimpering.

Scott walked over to stand next to me as Deaton looked Y/N over. "Is she going to be okay?" I asked, under my breath.

"If there is anything that can be done, Deaton will figure it out."

Deaton turned around and grabbed a needle to take her blood. While his back was turned away from her, Y/N sat straight up with a scream making all three of us jump.

Deaton stepped forward to try and calm her down, but she freaked out. She started to fight back, trying to get away. "Scott, Stiles. I could use some help."

We tried to lay her back down, but she kept fighting back. "What's happening to her?" I asked as we finally got her to lay down.

"Hold her down," Deaton instructed as he turned around.

"What are you going to do?" I asked when he turned back around, holding a needle. I cringed as he pressed the needle into her neck. Slowly, Y/N started to calm down.

"Stiles," she mumbled before her eyes closed.

"What. . . What happened?" I whispered, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Don't worry," Deaton sighed. "It's just a sedative to calm her down until her body adjusts to the bite."

"So. . . So, she's going to be okay?"

"She's going to be fine, Stiles." He said, patting me on the shoulder.

***********************************

Reader's POV

My eyes fluttered open but I instantly closed them due to the brightness of the lights. I groaned as my wrist was stinging. "Y/N?"

I turned my head towards the voice and slowly opened my eyes. I smiled when I saw a worried Stiles staring back at me. "Hi," I said weakly.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly as he brushed my hair back and continued to run his hands through it.

"I. . . I don't know," I stuttered. I tried to sit up, but he gently pushed me back down.

"Take it easy, Y/N." He said as he helped me sit up. I dangled my feet off the table and that was when I noticed I wasn't at the hospital.

"Did you guys take me to the animal clinic?" I looked at Stiles to see him biting back a laugh. "Nice," I said with a small laugh.

The smile fell from my lips when I saw the bandage on my wrist. I started to unwrap it, but stopped when I noticed there wasn't any sign of a scratch or a wound or a bite.

"Scott gave me the bite, didn't he?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

Stiles reached over and grabbed my hand as he whispered, "He had to do something. You weren't breathing, Y/N."

"Oh," I said under my breath.

"You scared me," he whispered, looking at our hands. My breath got caught in my throat when he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "Why didn't you call me?"

"I just. . . I didn't want. . . I didn't want to be a bother," I stuttered.

"What do you mean? Be a bother? Y/N," he sighed.

"I just feel like I am always holding everyone back. Like you guys are always having to save me so. . . I thought that if I could go to the school and find a clue or something, I wouldn't feel like such. . .deadweight."

"Deadweight?" Stiles sighed. I bit my lip as he moved so he was standing in-between my legs, putting his hands on my hips. "You aren't deadweight, Y/N. You are the exact opposite of deadweight. You are my motivation. You are the reason that, at the end of the day, I am still able to get back up. Without you, there would be nothing making me risk my life every day to make Beacon Hills safe."

"Stiles," I sighed, trying to interrupt, but he shook his head.

"Y/N, you are not deadweight. You are my world," he said, annunciating each word. He grabbed my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. I gasped before starting to kiss him back.

He pulled back when neither one of us could breathe. I pressed my forehead to his as my cheeks burned. "I'm going to need your help, Stiles," I whispered.

"I helped Scott, I can help you." He smiled as he leaned back and cupped my cheek in his hand.

"Good," I smiled. "I'm going to need my Batman."

Drabble, Part 6

As Kensi sleeps, her dream can only be described as chaos.

It’s a whirling mass of painful memories of the past and possibilities of the future that she and Deeks had always talked of. The memories and the possibilities continue to flash on and off within her mind, countering each other as if trying to find a balance. The dream leaves her feeling as if she were drowning as the moments overwhelm her.

She can feel love and peace pass through her as she once again sees Deeks waiting at the alter of their simple and yet beautiful beach wedding.

And then fear and exhaustion violently hit her fast at the memory of being walked across the desert for the exchange for her rescue back in Afghanistan.

Her mind jumps again and now hope and joy warms her as she sees Deeks sitting on the sand with their auburn hair five-year-old son watching the ebb and flow of the ides of the Pacific.

Once again, she’s feeling paralyzed when terror and uncertainty suddenly take over as she’s back in the hospital after the warehouse rescue, pleading for Deeks to look at her as he lays on a gurney with blood dripping from his lacerated mouth.

It continues for what feels like forever until Kensi finds herself lying on the ground in the Mexican desert, hearing a med-evac helicopter whisk Sam and Deeks to the closest hospital.…

Kensi jolts awake and cringes at the brightness from the fluorescent lights above the bed. Sweat has formed on her forehead and for a moment, she’s completely unaware of where she is. The continuous beeping from Deeks’ heart monitor brings her back to reality where she finds herself lying on her side on Deeks’ right side, her right arm draped over his chest, rising and falling with his every breath. Kensi glances up, half hoping to see him look down to her, but just as before, his eyes are closed and from her position, barely visible behind the endotracheal intubation mask.

The hospital didn’t move me- how long have I been asleep? Kensi wonders. Her gut tells her to check the clock above the door, but she doesn’t try. Whether the hospital had given up on trying to move her back to the room or she had been asleep for barely an hour, it doesn’t matter to her. The dream has her shaken and needing more than ever for him to wake up.

“You’re still here,” Kensi whispers breathlessly.

“You’re awake.”

The familiar voice, filled with relief, triggers a multitude of emotions in Kensi.  It’s the last voice she wants to hear with her fiancée lying injured next to her- Mosley. Kensi keeps her eyes tightly closed and hears the executive assistant director cross from the opposite corner of the room towards the edge of the bed.

“Agent Blye, I know you’re awake. We need to talk,” Mosley calls out. Her tone is purely business with a hint of coldness that she’s always reserved for the team, especially Deeks. Kensi opens her eyes and attempts to sit up but a sudden heaviness feeling in her head prevents her from lifting her head more than a few inches before returning back to the bed. Dressed down in the jeans and jacket she had worn when they had airlifted out her son, Shay Mosley appears casual and somewhat human, a stark contrast from her usual demeanor.

“What do you want?” Kensi growls, “Why are you here?”

“I'm here to see how you were all doing. How is he?"

Kensi's brain overloads as the memory of Deeks being escorted out of the office and  one of her last conversation with Mosley.

“Really?”

“I don’t have a choice right now, Kensi.”

Pushing past her headache, Kensi grabs the handrail and slowly pulls herself into a sitting position. She tries to reach out for any happy memory to distract her from screaming or throwing something in anger. Think of his smile…think of the beach…think of Monty!

“Did you hear me?”

Kensi bites down on her cheek before growling through gritted teeth, “What in the absolute hell did you think was going to happen here? Did you think you were going to walk in here, ask for forgiveness and everything would suddenly be ok?”

Mosley takes a step back from the bed and clasps her hands together, taken aback at the comment. Kensi reads the woman’s behavior as a defensive mechanism and to her, it just makes things worse. Kensi slides off the bed onto shaky legs before whipping her head towards Mosley and continuing, “ Do you care? Do you actually care about the welfare of my partner?”

The executive assistant director’s voice keeps steady. "He is- was- one of my agents and he saved my boy. I care-"

"How am I supposed to believe that?” Kensi exclaims. She can feel her self shaking from anger. The regret that she’s managed to burry from the day before comes back at her with a vengeance. I should have walked out with him when he was escorted out- why didn’t I back him up?

Mosley holds up both hands and pleads, “Please calm down-“

“Don’t. Don’t you dare walk in here and tell me to calm down! Back in L.A, we were only trying to help find your son and you were ready to throw away anyone and anything that didn’t meet your standard. You threw Callen under the bus and you fired Deeks and escorted him out like a criminal. Don’t forget the man you tortured for information.” Kensi holds up a finger and points at Mosley. “You do not get to flip the switch and act like everything you did was rational!”

"You're right," Mosley replies. She takes a few steps closer to Kensi and the junior agent feels her stomach drop at the dark shadows under Mosley’s red bloodshot eyes. "There were so many better ways to handle this than the way I did. “

“No shit,” Kensi winces as a pain shoots across her ribs. She drops her head and shakes it slightly, noting- I’m tired, I’m scared and I’m yelling at my boss. Kensi runs a finger down across Deeks’ fingers to steady herself. She reminds herself that she isn’t talking to her cold, focused boss but to a mother who had done everything in her power to reunite with her son. If the little girl in my dreams was kidnapped, would I have done the same thing?

Kensi relaxes her tone and asks calmly, “If we all had made it back uninjured and Hidoko hadn’t died out there, would we be having this conversation right now? Look, I am happy you have your son again- I truly am but what you did to this team during the past year and especially on this case is something I can’t look past. My fiancée almost died, Sam isn’t out of the woods with his leg injury, Callen blames himself for everything…..and I’m…if you came here looking for forgiveness or a way to cool a guilty conscious, I can’t do that for you right now.”

Mosley uncharacteristically reaches out and squeezes Kensi’s hand gently. She swallows before stating, “I understand. I don't regret fighting to bring my baby hone and I never will. But the way I handled everything else and the pain I caused is something that I will carry for the rest of my life. I know that it doesn’t help but I am sorry, Kensi. I’m so sorry. And I hope all of you can one day forgive me.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“All I know is that I'm going to go home, hug and spoil my boy and never let him go. After that, I don’t know,” Mosley answers. “He is here and safe…that’s all that matters to me right now. Please let him know that I’m sorry and…I’ll leave two alone.”

Mosley nods before leaving the room quiet and quickly.  As Kensi watches her leave, she repeats Mosley’s words in her mind- Here and safe. That’s everything we need. But without this job, what would that look like for us? For me?

I'm going to post this because maybe someone will hear this over words unspoken, my name is Billy Strange and I still wake up each morning picking up the next piece, I've almost taken my life more then I can count on both hands, from a high school sweet heart marriage of 9 years turned bloody and a custody battle that went from healthy to sadistic over a span of 3 years and 20k, and it was the words from a man I barely knew for no more then 6 months, that has saved me

I see and talk to so many fathers who tell me their story and I so badly want to tell them just to listen to what I'm telling you, I can get you out of this if you just let me a stranger walk with you through it... It never works out that easy but I don't give up and I hope you all read these words and share them to those who may hear it better from the words written by their brother in arms.. any way

I look back for those 2 years I was there and remember pushing anyone close to me as far away as possible so that they didn't have to feel the initial pain or try to stop me, all because I felt like I let them all down...

The only people I kept around me were strangers because I wanted to know if they seen me as a failure not even knowing me.... It was because of that, and them being completely honest about why it was only me that maybe it wasn't meant to be,

(A Satanist told me this and I'll never forget it, it was his words that allowed me to get this far) he is not one for recognition so I won't label him.

"did you ever think that your trying so hard to hold up a world that has fallen all around you...

Maybe you are on the right path and you are only focusing on the things that have already broken, and don't realize that all you have to do is look down at each piece, see it and learn why it was so important to you and then glue it to that small piece you are still holding above you, then go to the next and keep going until each piece has shown you just how strong it actually made you to make it to someone who seen your strength, and can see you just forgot what gave you that strength.

It will hurt, it will make you hate the way you handled certain things, it will cause you to try to give up,

but because you made it a task to see each piece, and put it all back up, you will never allow yourself to give up, or find a rope, until you complete your task, because thats the person you are...

But you have to understand that it may have taken you 5 years to build that first world you now see broken below you, it will take far longer to rebuild it stronger, because you will also rebuild yourself with each piece, and you have to remember to let each piece's glue dry before placing the other or else you will watch it become to stressful and not understand why you think you are doing the right thing but it keeps falling....

Learn each piece then let it hurt, while you hold it in place to dry, let it consume your mind and play it over and over like a movie each piece until it dries, then heal, smile before you look back down for that next piece, and don't ever be scared to place even those bad things you did when not everyone was watching back into your rebuild, because without each piece it will be to weak and fall apart down the road when everything seemed good.

Basically you have to accept that you are on a dark road but to learn to see in the dark it will allow you to navigate later in life when you see a person on that same road and they ask for help.. Don't ever forget how you felt because they may have absolutely no one and will you want to be the one who pretends like you didn't see it. Anyway that being said stop mopping and let's go handle business "

The next section is a completely separate chapter from above but I feel maybe can help...

I want to add to this 4 years from that being told to me and experiencing it in real life, that sometimes you will still find yourself in a sort of limbo period I've managed to pin mine down to about every 8 months, if for some reason I didn't accomplish a goal I set prior and it feels like no matter what I do or try I can't for some reason figure it out, those are the moments you need to find a person you trust your life with because those will be the moments you will try anything to get you out of that mentality because we want to feel that we are moving forward no matter the speed, but to feel stuck and not being able to see a way out or that lost piece that you know is there it's just probably hidden under some of your other pieces..we feel like Maybe just for a moment let whatever is causing you to panic, whether it's rent, a car that is broke and no money and work tomorrow, or you've been jobless for 3 months now and even with all the resumes submitted nothing is available and winter is a cold time to be homeless with no job, or maybe you still haven't got a place to stay so that you can have your children stay with you finally, whatever it is the worst thing that can happen is what you silently keep fighting to not take over,

I just want this fight to stop for one night, I just want all this stress to burry itself tonight so I can try to breathe... What that really means is I'm going to go back to those bad habits I had because it always quieted those fights in my head and if I can just do that I will have a clear mind to find a solution..

I will tell you from experience that once you reach that moment nothing but a person of trust will stop you from taking that hit, or drinking those shots, calling that sexual excitement, spending the money you don't have on the gambling machines, going out on the town with the sole purpose of getting wasted, because we truly believe that we are better prepared to control our vices, we will stop at our limit, what we never realize is that we allowed those vices to retake control by thinking you needed it to breathe.

What will ultimately usually happen is a night of uncontrolled guilt, constant war inside yourself, conscious tears filling up your emotional warhead..

all night this rage of self doubt quietly destroying your confidence, causing you to go right on past that limit of 2 shots, or just one line, or I'll only put 20 bucks in the slots, or I will just flirt I won't allow it to go past that,

because that fight is still loud and now more painful, because you know deep down that you allowed yourself to fall and laying there helpless...I cringe even writing these next words because it's so easy to reach this point of thinking that;

"obviously we were just meant to fail"

"why not right, "

"who really cares if I fail there's, no one here to stop me right..."

"So why should I have to carry this pain all the damn time, why is it so fucking easy for everyone else..."

And that's it...

(Those of you who are reading this and may be in this exact moment please, look at that image that you always hold in your mind of your child's eyes, look at that past moment when you and your daughter would lay under the stars with her head on your shoulder watching the magical pink elephant jump through a black sky as she explains how much she loves you and talks about anything and everything that her imagination creates under that massive sky where imagination always comes to life.... Feel her heart as she paints her masterpiece and ask you to help with the flowers over there by the big dipper so the elephant has something to give her mom,

please don't let your moment die because you have no more left, and no one in your face to help you, please call me I don't know you but I will before we hang up and I won't let you fail the only mission that will keep your children's smile alive for another year because you didn't let yourself fall.)

Cont. - don't Wake up the next day or still awake 12 hours later after all those "friends" left you to sit with your own guilt... Oh yeah, that guilt is now yelling loudly inside your entire soul, as it launches that emotional warhead of tears, oh yeah those evil people why did they let me do this....

Why did they... Urrrghhhhh why did I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,... DO this I can't believe I went back to what destroyed me and actually talked myself into believing this was going to help me....

It's in those tears and self reflection comes a choice that is now forced on you, oh hold that thought your friend from last night is calling, and they want to know if you want to continue this "unhealthy" adventure..

You either respond with a yes and have accepted that you have lost your control, and most times it will set you back 3-6 months or until your money runs out or those "friends" hurt you. And then you realize that all you did was take on more hurt and more pain and that's a scenario that will most likely continue to lead to occasional loss of all reality until you find that piece of your life that you keep looking over and afraid to pick up, and will cause your life to end up in constant downfalls until addressed.

Or you will have addressed that guilt and conquer a small war by not answering, because you are very In tune with accepting responsibility and able to understand that you could have destroyed your life, someone else's life, and now you know that you still are not able to control those periods of limbo when nothing is working. So accept responsibility for any loses you may have encountered, like a drug test at work, or a piece of your dignity, or people you thought were friends...

The first step from that is to immediately have the talk with that person you know will hold you accountable during those periods, 9 out of 10 times that person is who you looked up to as a child whether it's your mom, dad, grandparent, or sibling, for me it was my grandmother.. The moment you can go to them honestly no matter what it was that you did the night before, you have to let them know what that is, you have to be able to openly label the thing that will destroy you, and let them know how important they are to your strength, those tears from that conversation will build a mountain of motivation inside of you... Usually sparking that jolt to get you over that limbo...

Some people can afford to pay those people to help them, for the rest of us we have each other so that's my little piece of advice I hope it helps someone

Familiar Faces in Unexpected Places Chapter 4

AO3 link - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 

Summary: Sophie lives isolated from everyone and is safe in her solitude, until one night the outside world comes crashing into hers.Steve recognises her, but why? Who is she and why is she alone?

As Tony stepped forward to open the door, there was a sharp crack as the electricity cut out. The darkness only lasted a split second before the backup power cut in, but when they were able to see again Sophie was sitting up in the bed staring at them before she uttered a quiet but firm question "where am I?"

After her query was met with silence, Sophie raised her head to make eye contact with the group stood just outside the now open door before repeating herself, this time with an audible shake to her voice, "where am I? Why am I attached to these things?"

It was Bruce that stepped forward, ever the calm reassuring doctor, "Sophie, my name is Doctor Banner, you can call me Bruce. You were injured, the team brought you back here for treatment. The monitors were just to keep a check on you, make sure everything was ok."

While Bruce had been speaking, Tony had also stepped into the room and he answered the first question Sophie had asked, "and for where you are, this is the med lab of Stark Tower. It's our home and headquarters, safest place on Earth" he proudly proclaimed.

"Whose headquarters?" Sophie requested, "Who are you? Wait... you nearly crashed a plane into my house!"

Cringing slightly Tony rubbed the back of his neck before giving her a bashful smile, "yeah, sorry about that, wasn't part of the plan, and we're the Avengers. We, er..." Before Tony could finish, Clint cut in, "avenge!" before peering around the group to wave at Sophie "Hi, I'm Clint, or Hawkeye or Greatest Avenger, your choice."

Sophie gave a small, confused wave in response as Tony gave a resigned sigh, "I was going for defend the Earth but sure, avenge matches the name" he replied with a tone full of snark.

Leaning back on the pillows of the bed, Sophie closed her eyes with a deep exhale "I'm sorry, I don't understand."

Before Tony could answer, Bruce reassured her softly "That's ok, there's plenty of time to explain. Now I just want to check a few things and then you can either rest some more or join us for food." After Sophie nodded her agreement, Bruce turned to the rest of the team "Why don't you all get dinner started, we'll be up soon".

There were some disgruntled noises and murmurs at the obvious dismissal but everyone moved away to head back to the common room, with Tony being the last to leave after a parting comment "I know this seems crazy, and it'll probably get worse before it gets better, but you're safe here. Just needed you to know that."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the ding of the elevator, everyone froze in their respective positions; Sam at the stove, Steve laying out plates, Bucky adding the cutlery, Wanda and Nat at the counter chopping vegetables and everyone else moving around to gather everything needed for their group meal.

Out of the elevator stepped Bruce, with Sophie a couple of paces behind. Dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and leggings she looked even smaller than she had before and as she kept her gaze firmly on her feet her nerves were clear to see.

Laying down the last of the plates, Steve stepped towards her and pulled out a chair at the table, "Here, you can sit next to me Sophie." He was unable to contain his surprise when she whispered a gentle and apparently unintentional "Thank you Steve" in response and was glad that she had kept her gaze low and missed his expression.

Uncharacteristically for the Avengers, the meal was eaten in near silence, with the only sound coming from the clink and scrape of cutlery on plates or glasses being lifted.

When everyone had finished eating and the plates had been cleared away, Steve suggested that they all move to the sofas and at the prospect of discussing what had happened Sophie felt her heart-rate increase as nervousness jolted through her body.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finding herself seated on a comfortable red armchair, she realised it placed her in the direct sight of everyone else in the room and sighed knowing it was clearly a deliberate choice.

She pretended to not see the glances exchanged and whispered, hurried words between Steve and Tony, torn between wanting it to be over with and not wanting it to begin in the first place.

With a loud sigh, Steve leant forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees as he studied her through ocean blue eyes that seemed to knock on a door somewhere deep in her mind.

"Sophie" he began in a firm, gentle tone, "do you know me? Not from today, not from your home, but before?"

Stammering slightly as she fought to get her thoughts in order, Sophie wrangled with herself to keep eye contact, "I- I don't know. There's something, but I can't... it's there but it's not. I know that sounds crazy" she ended, dropping her gaze to where she was wringing her hands in her lap.

Her head jolted back up when another voice filled the room, "How about me? Sophie do you know me, Bucky?" While Steve's eyes had been a quiet knock, when she locked her gaze with that of the brunette man his own steel blue orbs set off a resounding thud that brought a gasp from her lips.

The silence stretched between them as she continued to stare at him and he held firm under her scrutiny as she wracked her brain, desperately trying to grab onto something solid that explained the link she felt to him.

Just as she was about to give in and admit defeat, there it was and she clung onto the mental thread tightly, terrified it might snap or disappear and without even making a conscious decision to do so she uttered one word, sounding completely lost as she did so, "James?"

The blinding smile that greeted her was one she wasn't prepared for and it almost knocked her off course before Sophie turned back to the first man who had spoken to her and again spoke just one word, still sounding amazed at her ability to do so, "Steve?"

As a smile just as bright as Bucky's spread across his face, Sophie clasped her hands over her mouth as her eyes shone with unshed tears. "I don't understand. I know you, but I don't know how." Bringing Steve under her scrutiny this time, she added "And I know your eyes but I think you were smaller" with the gentle tease audible in her voice despite the nervous tremor. It had evidently been the right thing to say Sophie realised as everyone laughed, none more so than the two men she had identified and as they exchanged a look between them full of adoration and love; Sophie felt another gentle tug somewhere in her mind and she nodded to herself with the mental observation "that's right, they were meant to be together."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But the laughter quickly died down and it was back to business as Tony moved to a seat closer to her. "It's good that you know that you know them. It means your memories are still there, we just need to unlock them. But first, we need to know: what else do you remember? How did you get to the house we found you in?"

There it was, the question Sophie had been dreading giving the answer to. But she knew that not answering it was no longer an option, and besides she knew two of them, and even if she didn't know how that meant she could trust them right?

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Sophie briefly glanced at Tony and after he gave her a reassuring nod paired with a small smile, she steeled herself and began.

"I get flashbacks sometimes, to people and places I don't remember but that feel familiar. But there's a lot of.. blank space I guess is a good way of describing it. I don't know how any of it links together. My first clear memory is waking up in a room without windows and hearing people shouting about a fire. I could smell the smoke and feel the temperature increasing so I banged on the door and screamed for someone to help me, but no-one came."

Sophie paused for another deep breath before continuing, "I remember feeling as though I was going to faint out of panic or suffocate from the smoke, but then the door was open and I was holding the handle in my hand. I don't know where I was or how I got out, I just remember running through burning corridors until I wasn't inside anymore and then I kept running. I don't remember finding the house or how I came to stay there, it just happened. I don't even know how long I was there after the fire, one day just sort of bled into the next."

After a moments silence followed her finishing Sophie again looked at Tony, who nodded as he understood that was all she could tell them. "Okay, so we can fill in some of the blanks for you, but I don't want to overwhelm you so we can either do that now or later. It's up to you."

Sophie didn't hesitate with her response, shaking her head furiously, "No, I need to know. Now please."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After what felt like hours of explanations from Tony, Bruce, Steve and Bucky, Sophie finally sat back fully in her seat and let the tension she'd been holding in every inch of her body relax with a sigh before she let loose a small chuckle.

Sensing everyone's eyes on her she opened her own to explain, "It makes no sense, and yet it does. Every little girl wants a fairytale but this isn't quite what I had in mind."

The rest of the group had been silent through the conversation but Wanda now spoke up, "Sophie, I'm Wanda" she began with a smile, "I can try to help you remember if you'd like? If your memories are still there, then like Tony said, we just need to unlock them."

Without even realising she was doing so, Sophie looked to Steve and Bucky for reassurance and when they both nodded she turned back to Wanda and responded with a simple "how?"

It was Tony that answered, "Wanda is our little mind-reader, I mean, it's a little bit more complicated than that but that's the easy version."

Giving him a nod of her own, Sophie asked Wanda "is it safe?" but keeping the trend of everyone answering questions not meant for them it was Bucky that spoke this time "Yes doll. I'm not mad about people going near my brain" he paused to share a grimace with Sophie as her thoughts went back to what they had told her about his own time with Hydra, "but Wanda won't hurt you, she'll stop if you tell her and we'll all be here if you need us."

Tony added, "Tinman is right, we didn't get off to the best start but you can trust her." He too paused mid-thought before continuing with a quick glance at Bucky, "She, er, helped me come to terms with a few things in the past. Your mind should be your own and if you say no, then we respect that here. All about the free will" he ended with a crooked grin before again looking to Bucky and giving the other man a quick nod which was returned with a small, but grateful smile.

Sophie smiled at Wanda with a nod of her own, "Okay, thank you. But is it ok if we start tomorrow? I'm a little tired and I'd like to know more about the serum Doctor Banner mentioned.."

Bruce cut in, "Call me Bruce, Sophie, and we can talk about that in the morning as well, you need your rest."

After Sophie agreed with a well-timed yawn, Tony stood and offered a hand to pull her up. "Come on, I'll show you to your room. It's next to the grandpas so if you decide to have a 40s revival please keep the noise down" he joked with a wink back at Steve and Bucky who shook their heads in amusement.

"Ok. Um, goodnight everyone. And thank you" Sophie mumbled shyly, but smiled when everyone wished her goodnight in response. She went to turn to follow Tony to the elevator but stopped and turned back to the sofa where Steve and Bucky were sitting, "Goodnight Steve, James. It's good to see you again, and together" she added with a final smile before walking away.

Speaking Your Truth Even When It Feels Painful and Shameful

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ~Brené Brown

I was sexually assaulted my senior year of college. Shortly after, I received a hefty check in the mail from the guy who did it as a “graduation gift.” I spent many nights tossing and turning, debating whether I should cash the check or burn it along with his pathetic graduation card wishing me “all the best” in my future.

I ended up cashing the check and pretending it didn’t happen.

This was four years ago, and I still cringe every time I think about what happened—and even worse, what didn’t. I lose sleep over all the things I didn’t say, the action I didn’t take, the people I didn’t talk to afterward. In the end, what didn’t happen is even worse than what did.

I visited my grandmother recently, and we were sharing stories about her career as an educator for many years. In the midst of our conversation, the “#metoo” topic came up, as it was all over the news at the time.

She shared with me that in all her years in a supervisory role in the school system, there were two occasions where students reported that their teacher sexually assaulted them.

After the investigations, my grandmother and her staff discharged these teachers from the school district but chose not to press charges against them. Maybe there wasn’t enough evidence to take legal action. Maybe the times were just different back then. But as she told me all of this, I couldn’t help but notice the subtle trace of regret in her eyes. She gazed out the kitchen window and said, “I wonder whatever happened to those teachers.”

It bothered me for weeks after our conversation. What had happened to the teachers that were dismissed, all those years ago? Did they get another job? Did they move to a new state? Did they ever start teaching again, this time in a different school district, with new students and a clear slate?

Were they guilty of what those students claimed? Did they, in fact, cross a line? Or were they simply being blamed for something that wasn’t their fault at all—a scapegoat for issues happening to the students outside their classroom?

Who knows? Who knows what might have happened, or how those two events that occurred so many years ago might have created a ripple effect out into the world today?

Every action has a consequence, no matter how big or small. But I couldn’t stop wondering, how did those students move forward from that point on? What beliefs did they adopt about themselves, about authority figures, about life in general, after an experience like that?

How did the accused teachers wake up in the morning, after such a wicked allegation? Did they tell their friends and family the truth? Did they work tirelessly to become better people, so as to avoid anything like that ever happening again? Or did they go on to assault more children in different schools?

The questions made my mind numb. The possibilities were so varying, so unknown, and yet, so impactful. I couldn’t understand why it was bothering me so much when I personally played no part in this story.

But now, I’m starting to see the correlation. I’m starting to understand how all of these stories are connected, how our human narratives string together to create significance and meaning, and how it’s so incredibly important to honor and speak our truth. Especially when it comes to things like sexual assault, violence, and power.

Looking back to my sexual assault experience, I recognize that I felt more guilt and shame about the action that I didn’t take than anything that did happen that night.

For years, I beat myself up over the fact that I accepted the gifted money as some weird form of apology instead of telling anyone about what happened that night or allowing myself to actually process the emotions behind the event. I simply pretended it didn’t happen and tried to ignore the problem because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of what might happen if I did tell anyone about it.

It felt safer to ignore the issue than to bring it to the surface, as if by talking about it I’d somehow make it more real, and if I could just pretend it didn’t exist, it would go away on its own.

Four years later, I can confidently say that it did not go away. The pain, guilt, shame, and regret from that one night of my life has exponentially grown, and I am just now feeling strong and brave enough to release it.

I’m writing this because I want other people to know that it’s never okay to pretend a problem doesn’t exist. It’s never okay to let people mistreat, disrespect, or take advantage of you or others. It’s never okay to stand by the sidelines and watch as injustice takes place, to you or any other human being, and not say or do something.

The only way we can stop injustice is to call it by its name. The only way we can stop darkness is by shining a light on it. And the only way we can take responsibility for our own individual power is to honestly, bravely, and vulnerably share what needs to be said.

In several of his lectures and writings, psychologist Jordan Peterson references a children’s book that skillfully demonstrates the point I’m trying to make. It’s called There’s No Such Thing as a Dragon.

In this story, young Billy Bixbee finds a small dragon in his bedroom. When he tells his mother about it, she says, “There’s no such thing as a dragon!” and the two continue to ignore the dragon’s presence as it grows bigger and bigger and bigger.

Soon, the dragon takes up the entire house, but his mother continues to repeat, “There’s no such thing as a dragon!” She doesn’t acknowledge that the dragon exists until it gets so big that it carries their whole house away.

There are dragons in many houses all over the world. There are dragons in office buildings, restaurants, bars, shopping malls, street corners, song lyrics, movies, and on social media. There are dragons everywhere, and yet, so many of us continue to ignore they exist.

We pretend that problems like sexual assault, racism, bullying, and other injustices aren’t there, because it’s often so much easier to ignore them than to actually speak up about what we know to be true.

But the issue is that when we silence our truth or when we hold ourselves back from speaking up about these problems, we create an even larger, more harmful issue.

When you hold yourself back from speaking up about something that is wrong, you allow that thing to take on a life-force of its own. You give it more power. You let it continue to bully, rape, steal, lie, put down, hurt, torture, and commit painful acts, to you or to others.

That’s how evil spreads: through the subtle ignorance and repression of those who experience it first-hand.

That’s how people who commit sexual assault move from victim to victim undetected.

That’s how kids who are bullied over and over again show up one day on campus with a gun and massacre their classmates.

That’s how things like the Holocaust happened.

Because regular people, like you and me, decided to keep our mouths shut when we knew better.

I want you to know that no matter what happened to you, you are not alone. Terrible acts are committed every day, all around the world. There are dragons everywhere. That doesn’t take away from the fact that there is beauty and abundance and love everywhere, too. You just have to know where to look, and to constantly turn your attention toward the things that make you feel light.

I also want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. I blamed myself for a long time and felt like I was personally responsible for what my assaulter did to me, constantly questioning how things might have been different if I had made better choices that night.

The thing about the past is that everyone, including those who commit acts of violence or evil, is doing the best he/she can with the tools that he/she has available to them at the time. Does that make it right or wrong? No. It simply means that you can’t go back and change what happened in the past, so you have to find a way to forgive yourself for any blame or guilt you feel about it now.

Every action has a consequence. Part of being a conscious being includes taking the personal responsibility for those actions, which includes inaction.

When we ignore a problem or make excuses as to why someone’s behavior is acceptable, when deep down we know it’s not, we make a choice to allow it to happen again.

When we shove something under the carpet and pretend it doesn’t exist, we allow it to grow and gain power over us, until it becomes so big that many others get hurt.

But when we stand up and speak our truth, we can create true change. When we stand up and speak our truth, we liberate ourselves from the pain and the evil. We become free.

So start now. Start today. Look around your life and question, what injustices are taking place? What am I tolerating, from myself or others, that I know is harmful? What have I allowed to happen to me or others that isn’t deserved? What truth have I been keeping tucked away from the world? What can I do differently from this moment forward?

Our stories are connected. Our pain, and our healing, is one. The more we speak up and share what impacts us, the higher we all rise.

If I could go back to my senior-year college self, I’d sit her down and let her know that it’s okay. That none of it was her fault, that she didn’t do anything wrong. And then I’d give her a pen and a paper and I’d tell her to write, like the whole world’s healing depended on it.

About Lauren Madden

Lauren is a life coach, blogger, and yoga teacher in Phoenix, AZ. She’s actively creating a life that lights her up from the inside out, and helping her clients to do the same! She also has a serious coffee addiction. Check out her blog at laurenmaddencoaching.com.

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The post Speaking Your Truth Even When It Feels Painful and Shameful appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/speaking-your-truth-even-when-it-feels-painful-and-shameful/