This Love
Pairing: Azriel x Reader
Summary: Azriel would set the world on fire if it that’s what it took for his mate believe she deserves his love
Warnings: None
Notes: Hiii! This is my first ACOTAR fic on tumblr! Az is my man my man my mannnn and I just love thinking about him. Here’s a little something that came to mind when I was listening to “This Love” by Taylor Swift
Image Credit: “This Love” Taylor’s Version lyric video
Azriel sat hunched over in the plush velvet chair in Rhysand’s office. His elbows dug into his strong thighs as he clasped his hands together, focusing on the slow, mindless movement of his thumb over the ball of his knuckle.
“I think the Cauldron got it wrong.”
“Bullshit,” Cassian asserted eloquently.
“The Cauldron doesn’t simply ‘get things wrong’,” Rhysand said softly from where he leaned against the front of his desk, arms crossed contemplatively over his chest. Cassian, lounging in the chair across from Azriel, threw his hands in the air.
“It takes longer for some people than others, you know.”
“I knew far before Feyre did,” Rhysand supplemented.
“Anyone with eyes can tell how she feels about you. It’s beyond me you don’t see the way she looks at you, brother.”
Azriel was at a loss. Pining after the same woman for decades proved brutal on the heart. Downright treacherous, really, considering he felt the mating bond snap a long time ago and she had given almost no indication she felt anything of the like.
He knew she liked him in the way a person “likes” their best friend who knows them inside out, has been with them through every insignificant or life-altering moment, and embraces every part of them– even the messy bits. No, Azriel had no doubt in his mind that she loved him. She’d said as much multiple times, which left him feeling even more confused.
He didn’t want to push her for fear of ruining what they already had. Things were good, he’d even go so far as to say things were perfect between the two of them. He knew he wasn’t a knight in shining armor, the picture of good, and there were many things he’d done wrong to get to where he is today. Still, she was the one thing he did right. The best part about his life. Whether she knew it or not, it was his truth and he swore if it came down to it, he’d stand to do right by her before Prythian.
“She just has everything together. I don’t want to take up space in a life where she has everything figured out. We are in good places in each other's lives. I would hate to pressure her to change any of it for me.”
“You say that as if you'd be ruining her life,” Cassian’s anger simmered to a sadness. “She’d never think that.”
“And what about you?” Rhysand interjected. “You’re breaking your own heart waiting for her to feel the bond snap. Maybe you need to help her on.”
“I would never put her on the spot like that.”
“I wasn’t suggesting–”
“What if she’d rejected the bond somehow?” Azriel stood up, legs suddenly overcome with the sensation of a thousand little fire ants devouring his skin.
“Now you’re just making shit up.” Cassian huffed, returning to anger.
“How else can any of this be possible? How can she be so oblivious?”
“There is one way,” Rhys offered, suddenly solemn.
Azriel and Cassian looked to their brother expectantly. Azriel felt his heart hammer against his chest in anticipation. A reason was good. A reason was a start. A reason meant that there was a way out of this purgatory he found himself in.
“I read it in one of Amren’s books a long time ago,” Rhys locked eyes with Azriel. “When the mating bond has snapped into place for one of the fae in the pair and the other has absolutely no indication of it, usually it is a sign that they are not looking for a mating bond at all.”
“A lot of people don’t go looking for it,” Cassian reasoned. “I myself was more of the let-it-happen-when-it-will type.”
“Not looking for it in the sense that they don’t believe they deserve it. In the way that perhaps it's simply not meant for them.”
Silence fell over the three males. Azriel felt his heart shatter, pieces of it falling deep into his gut, turning it over and making him uneasy.
“If anyone doesn’t deserve this it’s me.” Azriel whispered.
“Don’t,” Cassian warned.
Rhys continued softly. “When they believe that, they inadvertently shield themselves from feeling anything… including a bond even if it does exist. A defense mechanism of sorts.”
The body protecting itself from heartbreak so painful that it registered it as a physical ailment. Azriel was going to be sick.
He couldn’t believe the love of his life felt that way. He wondered for how long she’d lived with such a belief, how long she’d been giving him her love while accepting none of his. He wanted to tear down the mountains around Velaris, move them, raise them, turn them to dust, anything he could manage to get her to believe him when he told her he loved her.
He barely felt he deserved her at all. It made him queasy with devotion and grief that she loved him enough to ever think she was the undeserving one.
Azriel was so far past worrying that she did not feel the mating bond anymore. All he cared about was making sure she knew she was loved by him in a way that brought him to his knees.
Her second favorite part of the year after Winter Solstice: Starfall.
Elaine spent most of the day in the kitchen with Nuala and Cerridwen. Mor, Feyre, Nesta sat on her bed, lounging on the expansive mattress before it was time to get ready for the party.
While everyone else had their dresses picked out, she was still between options.
“Okay, option one.” She stepped out from behind the dressing screen, twirling dramatically in a golden trumpet dress that shimmered like woven sunlight.
Mor howled and Nesta smirked in satisfaction.
She turned to look into the mirror and study her body. She felt her heart palpitate as her mind immediately dared to wonder what Azriel would think. Would he like it? She shook my head quickly to clear the thoughts. It didn’t matter what he thought anyway.
Feyre sat back, tilting her head with a look in her eyes she couldn’t quite place. “It’s not bad. I caught a glimpse of the other gown earlier…” The ends of her mouth curled upwards.
The second dress was her personal favorite too. A silk, dark navy sheath that hung from her curves elegantly. It shimmered of silver and lavender under the light like the stars had been gathered from the sky and threaded into the material, one by one.
“Yes.” All three chanted at the same time as soon as she walked out again, clad in the dress that looked like it had been made only for her. There was no room for theatrics as her best friends gazed approvingly.
She did not need to look in the mirror to know this is the dress she wanted to wear. After all, she loved the color blue.
The rest of the girls got ready before she did. She went back and forth on hairstyles and makeup multiple times. Nuala and Cerridwen were more than patient, as were her friends who all waited downstairs for her before they’d leave for the House of Wind together.
“This is as good as it will get, I suppose,” She looked in the mirror one final time before descending the stairs that led to the living room below.
As soon as she neared the middle of the stairs, a shadow slipped around her ankle and up her bare arm, sending goosebumps in its wake. It slipped back down her arms gently, like a lover’s admiring touch, and down the stairs again.
Azriel was the first to turn. His senses were always tuned to her without his knowledge or deliberate effort. Her presence was like a beacon in his darkness. A lighthouse to his boat on treacherous waters. He could sense her in a crowded room in a heartbeat just by the way his heart would pound and his skin would warm.
Their eyes locked and he felt a pull in his chest. Almost with a start, he realized it wasn’t even the mating bond, though it also hummed within him. Even despite the mating bond, tender yearning filled his chest at the sight of her standing at the bottom of the stairs now. Pure love. The Cauldron blessed him this one time, perhaps the only time it ever would, giving him the mate it did. Yet he knew, especially in that moment as he drank in the sight of her glowing skin, shy smile, and deep eyes, he would love her even if they were not bound together in this way. He knew he’d choose her over and over and over again. He’d give anything to have her look at him the way she was right now, forever.
Still, Azriel’s heart wrenched as he recalled why she couldn’t feel the mating bond– this thing that crooned and moaned, twisted and sung, wrenched and wrested to be felt by the only other person in the world who it belonged to, not understanding why it hit a wall everytime it tried to reach out to its other half. His other half.
Something like pride came over Azriel as he noticed everyone else stop and stare. Their friends welcomed her with hugs and kisses and compliments and he watched her be loved and by all of their friends. He wanted to say something as their eyes met again. What would he say first? Azriel had a waterfall of words teetering at the tip of his tongue, flowing straight from the pits of his heart, but supposed telling her she was beautiful was a good start.
But before he could say anything, Mor gathered her and Elaine into her arms before winnowing them to the House. Feyre, Nesta, and Amren followed them a second later.
Cassian clapped Azriel on the shoulder, a rare, soft smile on his lips. “Don’t waste another day, brother.”
With Varian uncomfortably nestled in Cassian arms, they were off to the House too.
The celebration was grand as usual. Food and drink flowed from every corner of the room and everyone danced without a second to rest.
He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She danced with her friends for the longest time; Mor swirled her around the room and Nesta challenged her to keep up.
He stayed within the chattering crowd that boxed in the dance floor, sipping mulled wine and adjusting a fine thread on his jacket every now and again.
She excused herself from Nesta’s ceaseless dancing for some air. Her face was flushed, body warm, but she was happy. Once she reached the doors to the balcony and closed them behind her, she reveled in the immediate silence that followed.
The night air was cool on her flushed skin, the wind a caressing and most welcome touch.
A few minutes later, she heard the balcony door open behind her. Of course she didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. It was the only person that would follow her anywhere, no questions asked.
“Are you quite parched, yet?”
She turned around to find Azriel standing there, tall, broad, and beautiful, with two glasses of mulled wine.
“Quite.” She affirmed with a smile. He walked toward her until they were elbow to elbow, as close as he dared, before handing her the glass. She proposed they toasted to the spirits, who would begin their migration soon, for a safe journey. He obliged.
They sipped their wine in a comfortable silence. Any minute now the show would begin and everyone would move to the main balcony to watch and continue their dancing. This smaller balcony was perfect for just the two of them.
“You look beautiful tonight.” Azriel said as he did not bother to observe the first few stars that crossed the sky in glittery streaks of silver and gold. Next to her, everything else paled in comparison.
Her heart trembled at the compliment. It wasn’t the first compliment he’d given her, far from it, but coming from him they always meant so much.
With the wine in her system, accompanied with whatever was in Cassian’s flask when it was offered to her an hour ago, she said. “I wore this dress for you.”
The choice of color was not lost on him. The next few stars that soared across the sky caused his inky blue siphons to glisten in their glittery light. A perfect match to her silk.
“It suits you.” Azriel hated that his heart was hammering like this. He felt the love in his chest hum like a magnet, the bond snap like a rubber band against his lungs, stealing their air.
She didn’t say anything, only turned to look at him and he did not back away from her eye contact. Only returned it with such intensity that they now spoke with their eyes, a conversation that could never be expressed with mere words, an exchange between soulmates that remained only between them, not even the sky and stars privy to those thoughts.
Before his mind could refuse or reason with him, he closed the gap between the two of them, taking her elbow in his large hands. She allowed him to guide her to his strong body, eager to follow his lead.
His hands dropped to her waist, a respectable distance above her hips, though she would be pleased if he dared to go lower.
“I think about you all the time.” He spoke softly as he drew her as close as she could get. Their bodies were touching, and she was sure he could feel her heart hammering like a bird trying to take flight in a locked cage.
“You don’t,” She whispered as the stars began to rain across the sky in glimmering streams of light. Her mind screamed at her to pull away, to stop before she made a fool of herself. But her body forced her to stay put, to soak in his warmth, the feeling of him against her, to allow herself to indulge in this.
“I do.” His voice was strong, tone resolute. He held her gaze. “I would never lie. Not to you. You are the one thing in my life I would spend the rest of my immortality living for. You’ve captivated me since the moment I met you and if it takes the rest of my life to prove it, I would gladly call it my life’s work. I can’t keep this from you any longer. If that makes me selfish…”
She reached her hand out to cup his jaw. He leaned into it immediately. Her touch was soft against his face and he thought about how nice it would be to stay like this forever.
Starfall was in full effect. Music and laughter from the other balcony was but a distant, muffled, chorus to him and he watched the shine of the raining stars reflect off of her eyes and skin. Like a work of art, he observed. My mate, my mate, my mate, his insides thrummed.
He couldn’t take it any longer. He understood the look in her eyes, the silent permission, the mutual yearning. In an act of mercy, blessing, and loss of control, he slanted his lips over hers, dropping his hands lower on her waist, shifting one to her lower back to support how flush to his body he held her.
She wrapped his arms around his neck, damning the voices in her head telling her none of this was real, that he’d regret it and take it all back in the morning. Deep down she knew even if other men would, Azriel would never. She gave into him, leaned into him, let him in everywhere he demanded it.
She didn’t think about how long she spent in his arms, connected to him like this. Her breath hitched as he felt her squeeze her waist and use the hand that was at the small of her back to travel upward caressingly, taking his time to feel her skin, the dips and planes of her body through the silk, to rest at the back of her neck.
Azriel was so wholly in love he didn’t even have to think about his next move or any kind of thought. Being with her was natural, like second nature.
She pulled away just long enough to breathe, caressing his swollen bottom lip with her thumb as she moved to hold his jaw. He smiled drunkenly at her, watching as she blushed and indulged herself in the feel of his face.
As the stars rained over Velaris in glittering dashes across the perfect canvas of the night sky, she stood with Azriel, holding him as he held her, suddenly keenly aware of what it felt like to be loved by him.
Azriel’s eyes softened in realization, relief, as he felt the hum of the bond break through his chest for the first time in decades. It extended outward freely, like a bird let loose, soaring like the stars in the sky to meet its other half.
She gasped softly as she felt a snap in her chest. A snap that realigned worlds, parted clouds, mended something broken, that marked a shift in time.
She understood.
“Az…” she whispered, almost wanting to not believe it.
He nodded, letting her feel his touch as she worked through the new emotions.
“How long have you known?” She brought her arms down from his neck to hold his hands. His bigger palms enveloped hers easily, warm and strong. Sure.
“Decades.” He shook his head slightly as if it was common sense he’d been in love with her for so long, refusing to break eye contact with her.
“And all this time… you waited? You never– I never thought…”
“I can’t think of anything else I’d want to spend my entire life loving.” He swept a lock of her hair behind her ear to see her better. To remind himself this wasn’t a dream, not this time.
She allowed Azriel to pull her in again, savoring the way his lips tasted, how soft they felt, the way he held her like she’d vanish if he even lifted a finger. It was a grasp that made her want for nothing anymore. Everything she wanted was right here.
“It seems,” she breathed, slightly out of breath after they pulled away again. “I’ve kept you waiting for quite some time.”
“I’d wait any amount of time for you.” He murmured, running his thumb back and forth over the nape of her neck. “I’d do anything.”
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A little glimpse of Elain not being as "helpless, useless, inactive and boring" as the majority seems to think she is.
Sarah decided to show us (intentionally or unintentionally) that Elain has a fighting spirit beneath her gentle, kind and delicate "veneer". (Although I do believe Elain is inherently a good person as she is so often described as, I also think there's rage burning behind that, which has been building and building since she was thrown in the Cauldron)
Disclaimer : These are just my opinions and interpretations.
The scene, where Feyre and Azriel went to rescue her from the Hybern war camp, stood out to me :
"Get ready to run."
My heart thundered. Elain glanced between us, but did not tremble, did not cringe.
"Grab onto him!" Elain ordered the wide eyed human girl as Azriel thundered toward her. The girl looked like a doe about to be run down.
The girl didn't open her arms as they neared.
Elain screamed at her, "If you want to live, do it now!"
The girl dropped her cloak, opened her arms wide.
Her black hair streamed behind Azriel, catching amongst his wings as he practically tackled her into the sky. But I saw, even as I ran, Elain's pale hands lurch - gripping the girl by her neck, holding her as tightly as she could.
The girl screamed, but Elain moved. As Azriel fought to keep them airdorne, keep his grip on them, my sister sent a fierce kick into the beast's face. Its eye. Another. Another.
It bellowed, and Elain slammed her bare, muddy foot into its face again. The blow struck home.
With a yelp of pain, it released its claws - and plunged into the ravine.
Now, for my personal favorite...Elain killing the King of Hybern :
Elain stepped out of a shadow, and rammed Truth-Teller to the hilt through the back of the king's neck, as she snarled in his ear, "Don't you touch my sister."
According to how she has been portrayed so far, how "should" Elain have reacted to these situations?
She should have been crying, screaming, yelling. She should have been terrified, horrified, scared out of her mind. In one instance she had been kidnapped, taken to an enemy camp to be used for her power - and who knows what else - and she'd been bound by magical chains, in the other she'd been in a literal war, something that for her would've been absolutely petrified, (with that I don't mean to say that only Elain had a right to be afraid of war and not the other characters, but from her descriptions she's the one most easily affected) so it's only logical to have such a reaction. Add to that the fact that her mental state wasn't good in any way, shape or form (I believe she's still struggling, but has improved, not healed completely), yes, she should've been freaking out to put it mildly.
But what happened instead? How did Elain react? What did she do?
She ACTED. She did what was needed. She was cool, calm and collected - as much as the situations allowed, mind you.
In those scenes, SJM showed us that there is more to Elain, that she's more than what she seems to be. She also showed us that there's a level of selflessness to Elain's character. We don't know what went through her mind yet, but the way I see it, choosing not to leave Briar behind - a stranger -, when she very well may have slowed them down and gotten them killed, is a deeper, albeit small, glimpse to her character/personality. And the scene with Nesta. That doesn't need much explaining. There, Sarah showed us that Elain will protect her family, her sisters. And if she has to do something horrible in order to achieve it, she won't hesitate.
To me, these scenes foreshadow how her character development will go. They foreshadow the dichotomy that Elain Archeron's character is.
What I'm about to say now is most probably not true, since people associate it with Nesta, but in this line right here "Hello, fanged beast and trembling fawn" I also see Elain, not just at the trembling fawn part, but at the fanged beast too. In my mind, it seems like a highlight of the contrast that is Elain. On the one hand gentle, delicate, soft, quiet - a trembling fawn - and on the other fierce, resilient, determent, strong - fanged beast. And I expect there will be a scene in her book where she goes feral, where she is done with everyone's opinions and expectations of her, and will show us that she is so much more (whether it has something to do with protecting her family, her friends, or Azriel). But I know I'm probably reading to much into anyway. (I interpreted differently than most people to be honest.)
Now I'm about to make a statement I wholeheartedly believe :
ELAIN ARCHERON IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT A STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER SHOULD BE LIKE. (or will be when her book is out.)
Every time someone uses that term, I want to gag and run head first into a wall (no, it's not an exaggeration). The reason for that is that people have a warped and biased idea in their heads of what means to be strong and female at the same time.
Many people believe that what defines a female character as strong lies in the character's ability to fight and be a "badass". If they don't know how to wield a sword, know ten different fighting styles, bring grown men decades or even centuries older than them to their knees and generally be some type of Bruce Lee, then they're viewed as weak and boring, not worthy of anything and lesser than.
Sorry to break it to you people (not really if I'm being honest) and please excuse my vulgar language, but that is utter bullshit. Yes, it's good to know how to fight and defend yourself, but that's not all there is to someone's personality. And, knowing how to fight in physical fights doesn't make you strong as whole. Not taking shit from anyone is good in the sense of not letting people walk all over you and use you, not when you're doing it out of arrogance because you think you're the best or because your excellent fighting skills entitles you to being mean and bitchy and petty (this doesn't go specifically to someone from acotar, just to be clear).
"Strong" female characters when presented only like that, while lacking in every other aspect, are just a marketing tool, because the majority eats that nonsense up. Everything revolving around one's ability to know how to fight in the traditional sense is not as empowering or as feministic as you think it is. (at least that's just my opinion)
You can be strong, while also being kind. You can be a badass, while also being gentle. You can be a fighter, while also gardening and baking and crocheting and wearing make-up on a daily basis and loving all things pink and girly. Fighting isn't just something physical. It comes in different shapes or forms.
A true strong female character should be her own person, make her own choices, fight her own battles. She should have flaws. She should have her own story and journey that will both develop her character and help move the plot forward.
Elain Archeron will bring all that. Her journey has already started, and it's independent of who her love interest will be. Because, ultimately, it doesn't really matter. Ships aside, whether she ends up with Azriel or Lucien, not much will change. She will still grow into her own and the plot will develop. Who will be her love interest doesn't define her. Can people honestly say the same about G?
*Again, these are just my opinions and I view the following lines as foreshadowing*
"You belong to him."
"I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you."
Being her own person and making her own choices? Check and check.
Elain cut in sharply, "I am not a child to be fought over."
Fighting her own battles, both literal and figurative? Check?
"But I wonder if everyone has spend so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she'd disappoint you all." He sighed toward the ceiling. "With time and safety, perhaps we'll a new side of her emerge."
"That sounds dangerously close to what Nesta said about Elain finally becoming interesting."
"Sometimes Nesta isn't wrong." I glowered at Rhys.
"You think Elain's boring?"
"I think she's kind, and I'll take kindness over nastiness any day. But I also think we haven't yet seen all she has to offer." A corner of his mouth tagged upward. "Don't forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one's hands dirty along the way."
"And torn up by thorns," I mused...
Rhysand hinting there's more to Elain leads me to believe her book is next, combined with the opening line of the last chapter in ACOSF, "Spring bloomed in Velaris...". So, her own journey? Check.
See how Elain getting a book in general or more specifically the next one, stands all on its own without knowing for certain who her love interest will be?
And I could go on, but I'll stop here.
As Sarah said...I thought it was obvious.
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