HELP ME TO BREATHE.
title taken from duvet by bôa
tags: (semi canon compliant?? mentions of other ocs, angst, and heartbreak, Echo Squad mention, old fiction, other ocs mentioned.)
summary: post Las Almas, Anna falls apart.
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
It was one thing to see red flags through rose tinted lenses. It was another thing to see the red flags, try to walk away, but end up looking past them anyway.
Anna’s disdain for the Commander began not long after they were introduced. Disdain turned to a truce for the sake of working together. The truce turned…into something else.
“I don’t love him.” She’d tell herself with her arms around his neck, lips on his after one of many arguments.
“I don’t love him.” She thought when he grabbed her hand to stop her from leaving him alone the morning after, gently pulled into his arms.
“I don’t love him.” She assured her fellow Echo Squad when they saw how he looked at the young sergeant after exchanging quips at each other in passing.
She repeated this lie to herself hundreds of times to herself after the events of November 3rd. Her silence is deafening - mind spinning as the team plots their retaliation against Shepard- against him. Logic tells her it’s the only way to stop him. That killing him would turn the tides in their favor.
But her heart. Oh, her heart screams, and she is thankful that they decide not to involve her in the fight. She watches them march out in the skull masks, and when the others return to base alive, she’s relieved and overjoyed to see them safe.
Then they witness the relief crumble into the stinging realization: They killed him.
They killed Phillip. They killed her Phillip.
Sparrow holds her close as she cries into her arms. They know this sound- grief, pure pain as she trembles.
It’s crawling up her chest, making refuge in her throat. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
He’d fooled her, tried to kill her friends, hurt so many people-
Why did it still hurt?
Why did she still miss him?
“Annie.” His voice is so clear in her mind. It’s an outrage she’d never hear him say it again.
It’s on the flight to Illinois that Anna finally speaks about it. Izzy hands her a bottle of water, having cried out enough that day.
“I loved him.” She admits aloud, voice strained and quiet. “I think I still do.”
These words don’t seem to surprise Isobel, who sits across from her and sighs.
“I know, honey.” She speaks softly. “I know you did.” And he deserved none of it. Even if he didn’t betray them, he never would.
Sparrow sits next to her, the tissue box on her lap as the smaller Sergeant lays her head on her shoulder.
Annabelle glances down, but she doesn’t seem to have it in her to cry anymore. “I think..the hard part is…trying to figure out if…if he was just using me, or…” Her eyes squeeze shut as the memory resurfaces- his hands gingerly holding her face as she cried, gaze soft as he wiped her tears with his thumbs.
“Was anything you said true?” Her voice is so small.
“Baby…” He gazes down at her, something in his baby blue eyes she can’t decipher. “I’ll explain everything in due time-” She takes his hands off of her face. Her face paint had smudged considerably from her tears. “No. I need an answer , NOW!"
“I’ve got my orders, and now you have yours.” He speaks, and she steps back, hands shaking as Alejandro steps forward.
“And who the fuck do you think you are, cabron? My men are inside!” The Colonel exclaims in disbelief.
“I’m afraid not.” The air is so cold now.
“Your men have been…detained.”
The rest is a blur. She remembers Alejandro being restrained. She remembers him shooting at Soap- Isobel, aiming for his throat - being pushed to run despite her legs wanting nothing more than to collapse. Sparrow had taken out several guys at the gate before she screamed at everyone to scatter.
“Anna…we have to move!” Her Lieutenant urges.
She glances at her reflection on the window of the plane, her sister in arms in her peripheral while she smiles sadly at her own foolishness. What a naive child her heart was..
"The worst part is...If he just said he was sorry - if he just told me he needed me, I would've gone to him in a heartbeat. If he said he was sorry, I would've forgiven him. I would've..." She laughs, pain in her eyes. “He’s..He really got me in the end.”
“I don’t love him.” Anna lies to herself, nothing holding her back from fighting now. “Not anymore.”
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How to study productively this school year
Keep very neat notes
Devote at least 30 minutes to each subject
Do homework before anything else
Listen to music for focus
Green tea is good for focus
Always ask for extra credit work
Devote a fifteen minutes out of your day to read
Try not to see studying as a chore, see it as exercise, or daily ritual, like a skincare routine
Don’t be afraid to ask your teacher if you are confused about something
Aim for A’s, expect A’s, Get A’s
Remember that all your effort will pay off
What I’m listening to
Have a beautiful day
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