Posting Actors AU x Other AUs

Just as a note: Actors AU is an expandable Clock 0ut AU that can encompass other AUs (and definitely not a reason for me to infect you guys with my Alan Wake/Control/Other brainrot ).

Most will either feature a behind-the-scenes/bloopers artwork, and maybe some interviews with the characters (plus others) in different roles. :D —————————

CLOCK 0UT BTS: Posted by Stephen Parker (@|sporker.82) — " happy anniversary to the second episode!! found our very first costumes and was reminded of the series. was fun working in that set. :D " tagged: @|h.bright07

ALAN WAKE (AU) BTS: Posted by Stephen Parker (@|sporker.82) — " infiltrating the dark place to see this dumbass " tagged: @|h.bright07

DEEP DIVE INTO HORROPEDIAS AUTISTIC CODING : A GIANT ANALYSIS THING

ALTERNATE TITLE IS WHY THE FANDOM SHOULD CHECK OUT HOW THEY TREAT AUTISTIC CHARACTERS

Disclaimer before I go in; i’m using the global translations and the english voice acting as I am on the global server lol. This may affect some things but hopefully not a lot! Also i’m using this video [https://youtu.be/ygAkz4L2AMo?si=elrUeXGompMKYXUJ] for my proof and will provide timestamps!

Horropedia is one of the most loved characters in Reverse:1999 (bc haha funny autistic guy) , yet I literally see no serious posts discussing his character or even going into his character— even at a basic level. I’ve kinda been off to the side observing how the fandom treats Horropedia and it makes me question if people actually like him or some alternate version of him. Yeah sure this is a problem in every fandom but I’m too attached to Horropedia and i’m going to make it everyone’s problem.

There's all sorts of mischaracterisations of him where his autism is reduced to him being an “asshole” and “uncaring”, or that he is some funny reddit meme sona when that’s the case at all! Every other character gets to have serious posts yet when it comes to a very blatant autistic coded character, suddenly no one knows how to act despite the fact the fandom (going off of the twitter fandom here) prides itself on neurodivergency; so I’m here to dump a ton of analysis on Horropedia using ingame sources as proof as well as my own knowledge (as someone who is autistic myself), whilst also debunking mischaracterisations of him. I’m also doing this as I don’t think people treat Horropedias autistic coding seriously, seeing it as silly and thus ignoring all of his character.

Jumping straight in, Horropedia is not an asshole and is actually quite a caring character, even if he doesn’t show it conventionally. To me, it’s quite obvious that he cannot understand people at an emotional level, and always relies on his logical way of thinking no matter the situation; for example, when he broke Blonneys camera, he clearly does not understand why she is mad/upset and instead tries to comfort her logically rather than emotionally. Even when Blonney is very much showing she is mad, Horropedia cannot process that and cannot understand until she actually explains it [Part 5 54:07-57:20]. I can see why people may see it as an asshole move since he tells her to be “reasonable” over the camera breaking, though it is clear that this is another one of his autistic traits as people with autism have a hard time connecting with others’ in an empathetic way(which can come off as being blunt and uncaring) yet no one seems to mention that. Despite this, he still offers her to buy her a new camera once Blonney vents out to Jessica, coming to terms with what he did and making it up to her. [Part 12 2:10:37]

Adding onto the last point, Horropedia shows concern and care multiple times throughout the story. Even if he is bad at comforting people, he still tries to acknowledge what is wrong in regards to the situation. I’m trying to keep this short as I don’t necessarily think this is due to his autism but a cool detail I found with the English voice acting is that his tone gets softer when he’s more genuine (it could be seen as masking but shrug. Not too sure on this one as I'm making this point to show he does care in his own way.) He constantly makes sure everyone is safe and goes out of his way to protect others [Part 4 51:08 , Part 6 1:16:18-1:16:39], which is a small detail I think people gloss over. It’s just nice seeing Horropedia care for others in his own way since I struggle with expressing affection / emotions like him.

Back to his way of thinking, it’s practically plastered everywhere that he thinks in a logical way and takes everything at face value no matter what, which is a trait associated with autism. At the very start of the very event, he even breaks down Vertins joke and still a conclusion was that she wasn’t the person he was looking for (knowing full well she was) [Part 1 11:06-11:50]. Horropedia also explains things at face value— in a basic and straightforward way no matter what it is, which is another example of not truly understanding things at an emotional level! [Part 9 1:42:45-1:43:09]This does not mean he does not consider the consequences of a situation, and Horropedia actively avoids situations where it poses a threat / harm to others. Mentioning this to point out how some people in the fandom treat him like he is stupid?— Despite how he is the basic definition of a nerd with references to it all over his character and voice lines! Yes, he could be seen as careless considering he goes to Green Lake just like that with no approval, but he certainly isn’t oblivious to dangers around him. Horropedia himself explains that he is into horror movies because of how illogical they are(stating how it is like a puzzle), not necessarily the fear of them; so it makes no sense for Horropedia to directly put himself or others in harm's way.

Still relating to his way of thinking, Horropedia uses his horror logic so he can understand situations around him. He directly links back to his special interest to understand things— and to an extent others— better, special interests are a trait exclusive to autistic people! By using his horror special interest, he can understand the world better from his perspective. I don't even need to get examples of this because throughout the Green Lake event he makes references and links to horror movies, basing predictions on what to do in order to survive in the stereotypical like scene of Green Lake. Horropedia is full of reasoning, and despite his “debatable manners” (thanks Sonetto),he is not always too absurd with his predictions. It baffles me that people treat Horropedia like he is some happy-go-lucky kid, running head first into danger; he takes the time to understand a given situation in a way he would understand before doing anything.

Another really obvious thing is that he can’t understand social cues, or the body languages of others at all. Essentially he cannot read the room. The whole “I know the rules of social courtesy” [Part 12 2:19:19] line doesn’t necessarily mean he understands social cues— rules are (usually) based in logic and reasoning, and not emotions. Social courtesy just means the rules of society (or the foundation in this case? eh), and Horropedia knows he HAS to abide by the rules or else he will be in trouble. Something seen as ‘basic’ and ‘simple’ to people considered ‘normal’ by society may be hard to grasp by people who do not benefit from society (autistic people). Horropedia understands the ‘logical reasoning’ of how someone acts but he can’t connect with or understand someone else’s emotional responses. Literally look at most of his interactions with the film crew and Blonney, Jessica even steps in at one point to stop him from making the fight between Jason and Blonney worse [Part 6 1:11:38]; and even then he tries to use logic to break down the situation. Horropedia can’t pick up on social cues for the life of him, including body language and tone.

Smaller point here but I have a feeling Horropedia’s tone is hard to understand to some of the characters. Tooth Fairy couldn’t tell if Horropedia was joking towards the end of the event , where he shows off his “sense of humour”. Nothing much to add here I just found that really interesting…

Ive rinsed out all the notes I’ve taken on Horropedias autistic coding so far…….. feel free to add on more….. I may have gotten some things wrong because I have been working on this for a few hours straight. Surprisingly I still have more to analyse outside of his autism so if people are interested let me know bc i’m desperate .

TLDR: horropedia is autistic thanks for reading.

chocolate chip fade - Fic Meta

chocolate chip fade, i.e. the freckle fic, is finally COMPLETE! As such, I wanted to post some meta about it.

Fair warning, this is a long post (there's a lot to say about this fic).

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General thoughts

I LOVED working on this fic. I think the speed of putting it out alone is proof of that... 60k in about 3 weeks, when some of that time was also spend on finishing Bloodwritten Silver and I was dealing with personal shit like severe chronic pain flareups? Insane. idk where it came from. I got possessed, don't mind me.

This fic was a collab between myself and my friend uni, @/unidooty on Twitter and @unidot here! We worked hard and I personally think it came out really nicely.

We made a playlist for this, but I won't be sharing it both for privacy of my spotify account and also just because it's LONG. This fic is huge, ofc the playlist will be, too. We organised it in order of the three "sections" of the fic and it overall is a pretty cool playlist, I think. I don't delete playlists of completed works, so I'll be going back to this one in the future, and I look forward to it. I think it has a lot of re-listening value.

Lastly, here's a detail I really like! How chapter 1 ended vs how chapter 6 ended. I LOVE doing stuff like this.

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Chapter specific thoughts

Here are thought dumps relevant to each chapter.

Chapter 1

Neon’s crush in this chapter may seem superficial and surface level - because at this point, it is. She’s early into her feelings and they started as something mostly physical. She learns to approach her affection in a more deep way later on, but at this point in time, she’s incredibly attracted to Fade and is struggling to cope with it.

The food Fade was interested in in the markets was meant to be bánh xèo; pork belly served inside a savoury Vietnamese crepe. Fade doesn’t eat halal (as hinted at in this fic, I hc she grew up in a conservative household but after being abandoned she formed her own beliefs outside of how she was raised) so she eats pork as she feels like it. She has some pretty bad religious trauma and she wanted to decide for herself how she felt rather than sticking to what she was taught by people who were cruel to her. Her beliefs have evolved over time (she still has them, for sure - she still wears nazar eyes etc for example), and she keeps them private. She believes what she believes and doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business.

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Chapter 2

Jett doesn’t know what Fade said to Neon when she confronts her. All she knows is it was bad enough to hurt and upset Neon badly, and she’s reacting in a way she feels is appropriate. That said, Neon doesn’t find it appropriate and instead feels a little like her trust is being violated by Jett risking letting the entire Protocol know something’s up.

Prowler represents a lot of Fade’s inner self, including her emotions. Them cuddling up to Omen signifies her gratitude which she can’t put into words, which Omen understands. Fade finds this embarrassing because she’d prefer to be all cool and mysterious, but Omen appreciates it and finds it sweet. Prowler is a weapon in many cases but between friends, they’re often the best indicator of Fade’s fondness. Prowler is also a little asshole and I fondly refer to them as Miette (from the famous meme). “You WITHHOLD Miette from snuggling their friend? You PULL on Miette’s TAIL? Jail. Jail for mother for one thousand years."

Omen gripped his mug tighter when Fade asked if it was too hot because he didn’t want her to take it away from him. I just thought that was cute.

This chapter was originally supposed to have another scene in the middle, which I forgot while I was working on it. It was supposed to be Neon pulling Killjoy away from her work to try get her to take a break, and they’d dance to the radio together for a bit to let loose. The song I had in mind for this was I Feel Good by Pink Sweat$. Fade would be watching them, kind of having heart eyes, until Neon spots her staring and angrily stops. She makes a comment like “what are YOU looking at” and Fade just quietly apologises. It’s a shame I forgot this scene but to be fair, it would have made an already long fic even longer for not much reason other than self indulgence, since the point of Neon’s seething anger was already addressed.

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Chapter 3

Fade suggesting Neon should stay behind as a distraction sounds insulting to her at first, but in fact, Fade made that decision because she knows for a fact that Neon can handle it. She knows she’s powerful enough to hold her own while Fade has directly failed to fight a large group in the past when she was captured by KAY/O in Istanbul, and her time working for REALM meant she knows how to hack. Her giving Neon her gun is a huge signal of trust.

Fade is normally pretty decent at making sure people don’t lay a hand on her, but she was focused hard on the computer with the sounds of Neon’s distraction in the background meaning her focus was pulled in too many directions. She got snuck up on, but as soon as she could get her bearings, she could defend herself fine even riddled with bullets.

Fade’s apology, even if Neon doesn’t necessarily respond to it, was extremely meaningful to her. She appreciates it a lot. There’s a lot going through Neon’s mind, but she’s grateful for Fade admitting that what she said was fucked up, and also not something she truly meant. Meanwhile, Fade has never had someone tell her they value her life over her loyalty. It’s a big change to digest.

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Chapter 4

People in this fic: forgetting Fade can’t read between the lines (I have audhd and I project this hard onto Fadeshock - autistic Fade and ADHD Neon, my dearest beloveds) and then being surprised when she misunderstands or doesn’t read into something. Cypher trying to hint Fade should apologise and make it up to Neon and confusing her into thinking she should come out with a big declaration and confess, and now Neon expecting Fade to understand a convoluted song confession… give her a break PLEASE

The hand-holding scene when they first have sex is a mirror to the plane scene when Fade was injured and Neon offered her her hand. I love narrative mirrors.

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Chapter 5

I really like lokum. I'll fight all of yall who moan about Edmund getting lokum in Narnia, shit slaps.

This chapter includes a different AU I once planned with Uni about sexting. It was supposed to focus on the contrast between Neon being bad at sexting but good at nudes and Fade being the exact opposite. This is what pushed me to split chapters 5 and 6 apart, and it definitely ended up being stronger for it, because it let me approach these ideas properly. Without this split, chapter 6’s fight and Neon’s death wouldn’t have been properly explored and she’d have just come back upset without much justification.

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Chapter 6

Ok MOST of this fic is uni’s fault but this chapter is on me, they’re off the hook. I wanted pegging 💀 we’d talked about it as a meme but I really just ended up wanting to include it in the fic itself and chapter 4 looked like it was going to be quite long with everything included, anyway.

Killjoy’s mother is Turkish, and I think it’d be sweet if she can understand some of it from her. I never really see people talk about her being half Turkish? Kind of wilds me out that Riot were very outspoken about Gekko’s life being unique as an immigrant character when Killjoy (Turkish-German) and Phoenix (Nigerian-British) also have that experience (coming from someone who was an immigrant in Europe for a time, it seems many people forget you can be an immigrant anywhere, not just in the US), but oh well - point is, I wanted to focus on this part of her character a little bit, even if it’s in the background. It was almost a little project she and Raze were working on together; every time they heard Fade call Neon something affectionate, they’d write it down. Raze doesn’t speak Turkish so she’d have to run to find Killjoy and sound it out until Killjoy could guess correctly what Raze had heard. Big “Babe c’mere I heard something gay and we need to decode it” hours. This was kind of foreshadowed in chapter 2 by Killjoy understanding Fade when she was insulting Prowler, but Fade had forgotten about that by this point.

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What the hell happened to this fic

SO, I wanna talk about the timeline of this fic for a sec. It originally started out as a cute one-shot idea which was gonna be 1-2k, just Neon realising Fade has freckles. It was supposed to be what became just the first scene of chapter 1. THEN, I showed it to Uni, and they basically said “ok, but what if they FIGHT”. So, it became a 3 chapter story which I estimated to be 5k per chapter. Then, I wrote chapter 1, and I realised that it was 10k, and the other two were going to be longer. Chapter 2 ended up getting split into two (becoming chapters 2 and 3 of the final fic) because it was just so long. So, for a while it was going to be a 40k fic with 4 10k chapters. AND THEN, I realised chapter 4 was also going to be long, and if I split it into two, I’d have more room to breathe, and I’d also be able to add in chapter 5’s smut, which I found really funny since it was Neon’s chance to tease Fade about the hand-holding thing (and maybe let any lingering bitterness for the Vietnam incident out). So, it became a 5 chapter 50k fic. BUT THEN IT STILL WASN’T OVER because while I was working on chapter 5, Uni suggested some more ideas which actually incorporated that separate sexting au collab we had planned and would have been much too fun to ignore… so now it’s 60k and 6 chapters… Oops?

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Relevant art

I made some art for this fic! I really enjoyed working on this story. I've been enjoying making art to accompany my fics, like I did with Bloodwritten Silver, so I hope to continue this in the future with my aus.

and of course, the sketch that started it all:

One silly little bonus for you, too; while I was working on chapter 4 and the smut scene, Uni asked at one point which position they were in. At this point it was past midnight and I didn't know what the position was called, so I just doodled something real silly to show it off. I just think it's funny to look at, so here, you can look at it, too :)

best fadeshock art ever made canon

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So, what's next?

I have a large queue with lots of ideas I wanna make, but my current big brainrot is of course my COWBOY AU!! I've been posting about this for a while, but it's my next major project. I'll still be writing one-shots though, too.

it's been a minute since i posted one of these so..

here’s some of colby’s tweets from 2021.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~

Jan. 2 - thank you all so much i love you don’t forget

Jan. 6 - just got yelled at on my walk by a 93 year old grandma it was dope how’s your day goin

on another note , so sad to see what’s been happening today at the capitol .. this is ridiculous. i’m worried.

(the issue with this time period is that colby was getting a lot of heat for shit he shouldn't have been. so… some of these tweets are gonna trigger me, and this is one of them lmao)

Jan. 8 - seems like the older i get the more independent i become

*@/mikes_dead: seems like the older u get the more u forget to call me back headass sorry bb 🖤

don’t crave that personal life human affection like i used to i’m cool with being by myself

always feel like i’m living in a dreamy reality until i get caffeine. blurry vision blurry mind

Jan. 9 - learned how to drive manual for the first then drifted that car today i’m surprised i didn’t kill anyone

you in January

Jan. 12 - fan: hi i love yOu…@/ColbyBrock

hiii i love you

fan: It’s my 2,000 day supporting Sam and colby. That’s fucking insnae man. Mental. I love you 2. Always and forever thank you for being such huge parts in my life @/SamGolbach @/ColbyBrock @/SamandColby

thank you for being a part of our life journey 🙏🏼🖤

Jan. 14 - time to conquer my anxiety

Jan. 16 - tonight , two years ago i was sleeping in a little jail cell wondering how long i’d be in there without Sam. life is fuckin crazy hahah, freedom is a gift

fan: i cant believe that most of the fandom slept on the floor when @/SamandColby 2 years when they got arrested #FreeSamAndColby

the best fans in the world

Jan. 18 - oh how time can heal and change everything

fan: no fr he’s been working so hard and you can really tell. proud of you @/ColbyBrock

thank you darlin

Jan. 19 - my fear won’t be something that i let control the way i live

Jan. 20 - fan: colby ur tweets r always so deep

twitters my personal little mind dump

(wish this was still the case… but i get why he is barely on there)

Jan. 22 - it’s underwater shipwreck dive today

feels good to feel proud of myself

Jan. 24 - fan: @/ColbyBrock can you teach me your ways of being okay with being single bc i’m tired of asshole guys fucking around with my feelings

one day you’ll learn that the only happiness you need comes from within, once you’ve learned to really enjoy youre own company you don’t need anyone else! practice makes perfect 🖤

Jan. 25 - why do i push away everyone who tries to get me to open up?

(what a juxtaposition lol)

Jan. 28 - crows are honestly just death metal chickens

Jan. 30 - don’t wanna jinx this like last time but XPLR gods have definitely been on our side recently again … Alaska has been an adventure of a lifetime

Feb. 1 - don’t let anyone tell you who YOU are and how to think

fan: Currently listening to We Love Our Friends @/SamGolbach @/ColbyBrock @/SamandColby

a bop

Feb. 2 - fan: Thinking about @/ColbyBrock hours

💭🖤

*fan: @/ColbyBrock u should get a tongue piercingggg

*ouchh

fan: As part of 25x25 @/ColbyBrock needs to come out with music

🤫😏

(he needs to come out with more music asap)

*fan: @/ColbyBrock u said no to the tongue piercing what about u getting a nipple piercing??

ouchhh

(what's with fans wanting him to get random parts of his body pierced lmao)

wake me up after valentine’s day

Feb. 4 - what’s one thing you wanna do before you die ?

Feb. 7 - my dream is to show you the beauty in life .. no matter how hard it can get

really opened up on my ongoing experience with anxiety in today’s video , i hope it resonates with some of you. we’re not alone

Feb. 8 - fan: bro @/ColbyBrock do you always get your tats in the early hours of the morning??

yes hahah

just gettin started on this sleeve. lots of work to do

Feb. 10 - fan: @/ColbyBrock I need some advice for anxiety lately my anxiety is playing up and I keeps having anxiety/panics attacks and idk how to calm my self the best thing I can do so far is watch ur vids but still sometimes I just can’t hold it in do u have any advice

box method breathing really helps.. soft music.. meditation. anything that can relax the mind. usually it stems from overthinking so if you can somehow distract yourself with an activity of some sort that could help too 🖤

i’m so emotional sometimes and for what

Feb. 13 - so who’s down to hangout tomorrow

fan: i could really use a hug from @/ColbyBrock rn /: sigh i miss him sm

🖤 sending virtual hugs

fan: Hey Colby … just checking in…. are you okay? Taking care of yourself? @/ColbyBrock

thank you for being so sweet i love you. yes i’m okay i have my good and bad days

Feb. 17 - sang for the first time on camera yesterday

Feb. 20 - this pill that i don’t wanna taste

fan: Are you okay??? Or one of your song lyrics

song lyrics .. probably should have explained that a lil more. it’s not a literal thing i promise hahah

Feb. 22 - damn i miss the big trap house parties we use to throw at our old place. 500 people plus in our living room.. David dobrik always comin in randomly with flame throwers hahah legendary times

Feb. 24 - i was so happy in my dream last night .. felt so real.

simply a wonderful sight to see

Feb. 28 - Dear @/ColbyBrock I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DYED YOUR HAIR BACK TO BROWN I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT

my purple is pretty much out ! so it’ll be all the way brown soon

fan: Apparently the guys are in Las Vegas and Las Vegas is probably like oh no not these guys again. @/ColbyBrock don't go for a midnight stroll and almost get mugged or kick a cactus this time

palm springs was when the mugging and cactus assault happened hahah but we will do our best to stay outta trouble .. maybe

March 2 - i feel like i don’t fit in with that many people in LA

@/jccaylen: let’s move to Texas.

looking for houses now

March 6 - take a chance with me

head down, headphones in

March 8 - happy #InternationalWomensDay , women are fuckin powerful, thank you for all that you do

(another triggering tweet sksks)

March 10 - maybe i just knew i had to wait for you

March 15 - fan: I just know deep in my soul @ColbyBrock had an angsty sad boi tumblr back in the day and I just wanna scroll thru it. Sir pls hand me the link thx :)

i wish i had tumblr. but wasn’t in to social media until i was like 18. only had a facebook until 2014

(….interesting lol)

fan: @/ColbyBrock do u have any advice on keeping productive on something even though it isn’t ur favourite thing to do but u need to get it done

set goals and make sure you do things in little pieces. if you don’t like something you’re doing just make sure you’re getting it done in the way YOU want to. take it day by day instead of procrastinating and doing it last minute

fan: y r u awake @/colbybrock

same reason you are

March 16 - things change, people change. but in the end i’ll always wish the best for my friends

March 17 - i can’t help but feel this way

March 18 - fan: How can you get through a break up

time. i know that’s a cliche answer. but seriously. distract your mind for a while and you’ll get over it i promise

fan: @/ColbyBrock how often do you not sleep at night because your mind is too loud?

i sleep terribly most nights. i have this weird insomnia that forces me to be up at 3am daily

are any of you hard on yourself for no reason? cause holy shit that’s me daily

fan: Better at picking others up than picking myself up

feel this so hard

fan: please call me sweetheart its my dream deadass

sweeeeeetheart 🖤

fan: @/ColbyBrock what’s your best advice to give to a teen who’s gonna turn 17 next week ? like any tips or tricks you wanna hand down bc i need help

so assuming you’re in highschool, just know that you might think your social circle means the world to you right now .. but everything can change (if you let it) after you graduate. life changes so much after graduation! focus on making good relationships and having fun :)

fan: @/ColbyBrock what’s the first thing you’ll do after all this covid stuff is over?

throw a real trap house party

March 25 - i am becoming a hummingbird father.

@/amberscholl: idk why but this is a VERY hot tweet

can’t wait to show you what i’ve been doing 😈

March 27 - just don’t have the time anymore

March 29 - friday by rebecca black is my anthem

March 30 - should i curl my hair for a youtube video

!!I will not be censoring any of the supporters names, this is what they've done to me!!

This is all done by my memories, if I got any info wrong please correct me

Here is the Twitter version in case you need it (it also has screenshots)

The context behind how this bullshit started was someone on a Natewantstobattle discord server who said that Daniel was innocent and taking his name out of the blacklisted. They argued that Daniel had been unfairly targeted and that he had done nothing wrong. They argued that the decision was wrong and that Daniel deserved a chance to be heard. They also argued that Daniel should be given the opportunity to explain his side of the story and that the decision to blacklist him should be reversed... Which I got banned from the server too (or the server no longer exists)

Abi and Loki had the nerve to tell me that what I was doing was totally fine, and then they went ahead and gaslight me even more. They had the audacity to say that the people on Reddit (r/Natewantstobattle and r/GetScared) were the ones in the wrong, not me. And then they had the nerve to praise me for asking people to harass the victims. but they continued to support that worthless sack of dried cum. They believed the lies that Sabrina said!

They said that I was doing a great job when I "found evidence of Daniel being innocent" (which was either a crappy written tweet or a horribly-evidenced screenshot thing that can prove if stuff is fake or not) Then, when the first server went to crap, they all bailed and deleted the evidence of the entire server. One of the supporters went ahead and posted "evidence" without even asking me first. Asshole. They also put my username on the NWTB wiki without my permission. I had to tell them to take it down. Then they asked me to tell Boy Hero about Christina Vee and if the stream freezes, ask him again. I was like, "why?" But I went along with it because that's what they wanted. They made a Justice For Mandopony Reddit and dumped the responsibility on me. Again. (Tbh the Reddit was already dead). They had the nerve to ask me to make another Mandopony subreddit. So, I did it, but none of them wanted to join except Abi. (The GS + NTWB one I made for fun.) . They actually told me to go around telling people about it and posting it everywhere "what Nate did," (which wasn't true. Abi forced me to call her mom, a request to which I was ok with for some reason,

In addition, Abi made a point of that we, are a family. She said that Loki is the dad while she was the mom. She also promised undying attention (which I never got), I thought doing all of these things would give me attention from them

I wanted to make them happy and proud for what I've done, Abi in one of the discord servers pulled a "people are harassing me wahhh Vincent come save me" card.

She also said that Nate's mods and the entire fandom hold hate towards her. She also said that I was "special". She has a separate account that she spies on me, She said and I quote "I prefer to keep my second account private just in case I get harassed too much here". One of them bothered Iskey and I told Iskey it wasn't me, I sent her the proof and it pisses them off and yelled at me on why I I gave it it Iskey. Some dipshit told me to go spread everywhere on discord servers that "Mandopony is innocent" bullshit and I got banned from every single one. But they still had the nerve to praise me for what I was doing on the GS Reddit. I mean, I could go into detail, but let's just say it's not worth the effort... During my time on Tumblr I came across a rumor of Johnny visiting Joel In jail. It pissed me off, I spread misinformation and chaos, adding to the confusion surrounding the rumor. I reached out to Johnny via email, sincerely apologizing for my role in perpetuating the rumor, He responded with kindness and understanding (I still wanna beat the shit out of who made the rumor but still). Once they made me write a fanfic of Joel and Johnny. It made me super uncomfortable. Plus they wanted me to post it on Wattpad. It had to do some serious damage control once it hit r/GetScared, I played it cool and acted like I wrote it for shits and giggles... I don't remember the rest.. So, months later, I finally told them about what Joel did. I compared the chats to that one screenshot I had of the GS discord servers (now delete, not showing it. The screenshot is now pointless) and one of the conversations with those cunts. And that led to a full blown argument. Told them that Sabrina LIED about the shit rumors she made about Nate. BUT. They said "it was an adult and not a minor so it's ok". Like dawg that's still cheating how dumb are you. like both are horrible.

They took advantage of a minor (I was 17) who's autistic, barely talks, and stutters words. They even used my hyperfixation as a trap, and my horrible social ques as a trap also

I'm super sorry to the people I hurt

!!On March 27th 10:00 PM, I stopped being friends with Abi and Loki, which resulted in me being stalked by his supporters. They have been claiming that claimed that I am lying. They also got one of the people that I used to know suspended from their account, and also harassed and stalked them!!

UPDATE:

Abi and Loki manipulated me into thinking i wasn't uncomfortable to moving in with them, because of how bad Texas was at the time and my autism, they convinced me that jumping off a water tower will twist your ankle and not paralyze you. They said "that bitch is lying, you can't get paralyzed but jumping off a water tower. The only thing that can happen is you twisting your ankle!" They sent a photo on a small water tower because I didn't know what they looked like "oh those? Aren't they big?" "Didn't you say you have messed up vision? Your eyes are tricking you"

I've had really horrible nightmares about them, they got so bad to the point where one of the nightmares was them trying to fuck me

Another private little FFXIV-related vent--well, little for me, lol. So if you click this link, it’s quite politely your own fault  ⸜( ˙˘˙)⸝ ♡

BUT

I sub to Vauthry's mentions and tag on Twitter, because occasionally there's actually content, and occasionally, I actually remember that my Twitter account exists. I’m pretty sure that’s why people go there, for content. Twice in the course of this week, though, his mentions have brought randos who seem to be talking about me, unless there’s another overactive Vauthry artist on Tumblr. I’m also like 98% of the Vauthry art on Twitter, so it’s probably me? But even if it’s not me, that still brings us to these thoughts under this break.

(Nice ableism, but even if this was not aimed at me, who takes psych evals from internet shitlords)

They call “simping Vauthry” "cringe" while the entirety of their account rotates around how thirsty they are for the latest FFXIV flavor of the month. The most hilarious thing is, they still reblogged my Hyth art here on Tumblr. Me, a “cringe” Vauthry artist. Tell me you're a fatshaming clown without telling me you're a fatshaming clown, welcome to the block list.  It doesn’t take confidence to “simp” a fat character. I am not a confident person. It also doesn’t take “insanity”.  All it takes is not thinking that enjoying a fat character is some OH MY GOD SHAMEFUL thing. All it takes is not being an asshole about fat people. 

I’m an asshole in other ways.  ʅ₍ッ₎ʃ  (And yes, 4 a.m. currently seems to be “morning” to my insomniac mind.) Since it turned out we shared a mutual, I assume that's why they deleted later.

In which the unique “other characters look like shit!!1” defense is also played, seriously fandom why are you like this

So the actual poster mentioning a Vauthry artist is upset about "proshipping"? I don't even know what that means. Wait a sec-- Ah, “proshipper” apparently means that the artist in question must think “antishippers” are shitty bullies. Reading comprehension really is on the downturn in this fandom. But guilty as charged if it’s me! \o/

In any case, apparently this would make me unqualified to call out all the hypocritical shit I've directly experienced regarding this character over the past two years, lmao.

As of now, that post has disappeared too, at least. I can always hope they realized they were wrong.

I am fix-it arting the shitty fatphobic dump Square took on the game with Eulmore for my own enjoyment and relief. To pretend that the writers really didn’t sink to such a  juvenile level, to pretend the fandom at large didn’t accept it. That’s all. But there are people who really have to come seek it out to point and laugh. "The girl on Tumblr who simps for Vauthry” is used like it’s an insult, while  every other character is received as :) teehee hello fellow simper! (I also still have no idea how stating “Tempering babies in the womb is fucked up” equals simping, lol.) My vents against certain other characters lie solely in their actions and how the writers handle them. The vents of others against Vauthry, though, always manage to boil down to “grossness” and “disgust”, because Yoshi-P said fat people equal all the evil of mankind in the ShB trailer--and the fandom bought it with no questions asked. There are even still people who scream Eulmore had slavery, even though the dialogues clearly state “hired” and "employed” and speak of salaries--yet somehow legitimate fascist fantasy empires are uwu forgivable uwu.  Giving a fat character the same level of consideration that fandom darling characters receive--it's such an audacious idea, isn’t it? This is the “great community”. My anger at the bodyshaming has been tone-policed before, and I was called “too mean” by someone who felt that invalidated the points they admitted I made. Meanwhile at that time, some jackass sagenodded that bullying fat people was ~just concern for their wellbeing~ without backlash. That didn’t count as “mean”. Fat jokes about Vauthry on /r/FFXIV sometimes still make the sub’s front page to this day. That doesn’t count as “mean”.

Everyone wants to be so progressive and positive about Dulia-Chai, but crickets when this happens, every time. 

When I got angry about a certain fandom darling character, and said that character chose their actions? People were encouraged to not follow me/unfollowed me. (Turns out said character did have choice after all, short one “little tug”. Oopsie!) No negativity in this fandom is allowed--unless someone is being fatphobic, then the fandom will hold their flower and instead tell the people who are angry about it that they’re being ~too mean~. It’s a bad look, FFXIV fandom. Reblogging Dulia is great, but not equally discouraging fat hate no matter the character is telling.

Sure, I could unsub from the Twitter mentions and tags. But why should I? Sure, I could grin and bear it--these tweets weren’t the only ones over two years. But why should I? How about the fandom do more than pay lip service on how ~welcoming~ and ~inclusive~ it is, instead? Because it has a really obvious problem with fat bodies, and Dulia is not a free pass. It isn’t an aberration to have interest in a fat character. It especially isn’t a goddamn fetish. The problem is the people who see it as an aberration, and assume a fetish is the only way you could possibly ever give a damn about a fat person.  It’s not that hard, FFXIV fandom. 

TL;DR: Don't be shy, bring it to my face next time! I promise I will gladly return the favor. ( ᐛ )b  

New to the fandom, and stumbled across your site. I see the Twitter comments on his posts of him being married or gay or whatever. Is there any point of making a simple comment that it isn't true, or does that just feed into it?

Hi, Anon, welcome! Sam HAS ALREADY addressed the he's secretly with Cait rumors and the gay rumors. On the positive side--it put the TRUTH in writing for posterity. On the negative side--it did nothing to stop Extreme Shippers or assorted Haters and Trolls from continuing to spite ship, hate, or troll. A case of dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

Extreme Shippers, (who refused to believe when I told them my sources confirmed Sam and Cait were not a real life couple, when Diana Gabaldon told them, when EVERYONE associated with Sam and Cait told them), said that they would ONLY believe Sam and Cait weren't together in real life IF Sam and Cait said so THEMSELVES on VIDEO. Weeelllll, that's exactly what Sam and Cait did YEARS ago.

https://www.eonline.com/news/729472/are-sam-heughan-and-caitriona-balfe-dating-the-outlander-stars-set-the-record-straight

Aaaand, of course Extreme Shippers cried and wailed, and gnashed their teeth BUT, as they always do, they managed to discredit the video, reset the SamCait ship's course, and off they sailed to ship another day and month, and year, and YEARS.

Even after the infamous video, it STILL wasn't enough when Sam FINALLY posted a PUBLIC pic of him with his then serious girlfriend, Mackenzie Mauzy (2016-2018) right on his own Instagram account. Or that Cait herself and everyone who knows Sam "liked" the relationship-confirming, "Instagram official" pic...

NOPE, those who didn't want to believe it, didn't.

And even after Cait literally MARRIED her long time beau, Tony McGill (who I FIRST told the fandom about in 2014), the last of the Extreme Shippers still held on and hold on like barnacles stuck at the bottom of the long ago sunken SamCait ship.

As for the gay rumors, tons has been written about this and I've already DEBUNKED that many times (including posting source info of people who know Sam personally) BUT Sam himself has also ALREADY set the record straight (pun very much intended) ;-).

PS. There's nothing wrong with being gay, Sam simply isn't, so it's wrong to spread lies about him. That's all.

Here is an interview he did where he addressed it directly. Click link for full interview, but here's an excerpt

http://www.newnownext.com/spy-who-dumped-me-star-sam-heughan-is-honored-that-you-think-hes-gay/07/2018/?utm=share_twitter

And most recently, when Sam put out a statement about the harassment he has been receiving for so long and false allegations about him, including the gay rumors.

So there you have it. Sam has addressed BOTH himself, directly and publicly. There's nothing more he can do. Sane, rational people said "Thanks for clearing that up, Sam, we believe you." And went on with their lives. People who are out of touch with reality and/or don't want the truth and/or are trolls and/or are fandom assholes, said Sam must be lying, it's a conspiracy by the powers that be, and all sorts of convoluted mumbo jumbo that only tinhatters, haters, and trolls still spread. Simple as that.

ALL of the info is out there at this point, including on my blog. Irrefutable evidence that Sam is not married to Cait, has never been romantically involved with Cait, and that Sam is not gay.

So, anyone in the Outlander fandom in 2021 has a choice to either be in the sane part of the fandom or the um, opposite of sane part of the fandom. Choose wisely, Anon.

None so blind as those who will not see...

"I see," said the blind man, but he never did.

Terra Week Day 6 (Free Day)

Summary: Sometimes, a ghost is a wish. | Word Count: 3,218

Read on AO3

A/N: For Terra Week 2021! You can find that account on Twitter!

~*~*~*~*~

The Tenets of a Master, Ch. 6

The Master’s bedroom is exactly as he left it many years ago. Bed made, dresser (now) dusty, curtains parted to let the sunlight in, walk-in closet neatly organized with not a single article of clothing in his hamper, as the Master was a fan of washing clothes every single day. Terra never found out why. 

Terra has rummaged through this drawer three times already and still he can’t find them. He’s looking for a stack of sepia-toned pictures, cradled in a small envelope, the ones on the top dated many years ago when the Master was a student, while the ones at the bottom chronicle some of his adult life when Terra and Aqua were children. He’s tried searching every drawer, every box, every cupboard, and has even looked under the mattress and in the pillow cases. He couldn’t have misremembered them, could he?

One of the things he’s surprised to find instead is a small, delicately furnished wooden box with a latch. Full of cigars. The Master never smoked, but maybe he liked to smell like them. Though Terra would never personally choose to keep a set in his dresser, smudging all his clothes. 

Sighing, Terra stands by the bed, taking another gander around the room to see if there’s a spot he could have missed. Maybe behind the mirror? No, not there. He slips his hands into his pockets, and finds something else. Folded over in four, the paper is crumpled, living in his pocket for the better part of a week. Naminé’s drawing of Xemnas is messier, the strokes of crayon meshed into each other that he’s less of a childish, crude figure and more of a smear. That ring of fire surrounding him stays closed. 

Terra grunts.

Here comes another headache, a tense pulse above his brow. Massaging it never helps. Suddenly, Terra is not in his Master’s old bedroom anymore. Suddenly, he’s standing high on a cliff overlooking a wasteland, talking to someone in a black cloak with the hood up. 

Now he’s back in the bedroom, the sun cutting shapes through the lace curtains with the breeze passing by. In a few minutes, the headache will go away. This is how it goes every single time.

Yes, it’s been a week since they left Radiant Garden. Only Ienzo uses the Gummiphone for contact, leaving long messages that take Terra too much time to reply back to. The rest of the team would prefer correspondence through letters, which is something Terra would rather do as well. He just hasn’t done so yet, focusing his attention on cleaning the castle as they start a new life without their old Master. Once that’s done, he promises himself to do so. 

It’s a shame, he knows he should make more of an effort (and promises that he would once he takes care of the Master). Xion sometimes texts him with pictures, some of them with Roxas, who still hasn’t made an effort to talk to him even though they played a good race at the beach (Terra didn’t even need to let him win—that kid is fast). That’s okay. Xion has offered to set Terra up with what she calls a Kingstagram account, and Terra supposes that’s okay, too. He just doesn’t know what that is or if it’s worth his time. 

In the end, he is still really bad at connecting with others, and he’s still out of pictures, and he still doesn’t know what to do with the Xemnas drawing. Any moment now, Aqua will come looking for him. They’re finally preparing for his memorial, to say goodbye to his Keyblade—

—And Terra has to say goodbye forever without ever seeing him again. What’s the point of staying linked to these memories if they do nothing for him? 

Why does looking at this drawing of Xemnas the only thing that gives him reminders?

Grunting, Terra rubs his face. Maybe it’s as good a time as any to text somebody now, distract himself so he calms down and do some good so he’s not completely isolated. He waits for his Gummiphone to turn on to the initial screen, the whirring of the machine the only noise accompanying him. How did Ven do this again? He clicks on his address book. Now he has to remember how to open a text and take a picture, particularly of the Xemnas drawing.

terra

did he ever call you an also-ran

Send.

Terra doesn’t expect Lea to answer right away. He probably will read the text, probably take the time he needs to register how he feels before painting his usual bright smile that he uses to play everyone. Maybe Terra has him all wrong. Maybe this is really offensive, and Lea would actually be upset. It’s not his intention.

The Gummiphone buzzes several times.

lea

see

i told isa the other day

the first time i saw you i thought you looked like an asshole

Terra snorts to himself quietly.

terra

is that your favorite word

lea

;3

So it’s all good. Terra breathes a sigh of relief, a smirk that’s warm on his cheeks. He doesn’t know if texting people randomly is the right way to go about doing this whole make-new-friends thing. It’s not as easy as walking up to somebody and saying hello anymore, but starting a new life doesn’t have a manual. 

As though the chains he linked through Xemnas harbor resentment, he’s hit with another spasm of pain, drilling onto the side of his skull. Stars, they get intense sometimes, some of them downright gorey. He will not think about it. He will push it away. The pain subsides but only a bit, throbbing instead. 

It can’t end like this. He’s avoided going back to Naminé ever since just to keep trying and see Eraqus, one more time. One more. It’s not much to ask for, so why can’t the stars be more forgiving? He swears to them he’ll never ask for something again. 

Terra groans, pain hammering over his brow. What’s coming this time is going to knock him around, so he lowers himself to his knees. Several people dressed in extravagant embroidery, from some other world, being swallowed up by darkness, their hearts floating up to the sky and a small cry of Mister, is my mommy coming back? 

When it’s over, Terra sobs, keeping a heave from rupturing his chest and wiping dry tears. If Aqua comes in and sees him like this, she’ll freak—she’s already brewed so many potions and teas for him whenever he has an episode. 

He tries for the closet again. The Master kept his most expensive robes wrapped in plastic, preserving a faded scent of cedar. Terra takes the fabric, smooth as silk, and breathes into it. It’s weaker than last time. He could always spray it with the Master’s leftover cologne (his favorite), but it still wouldn’t smell exactly like him, and as Terra waits seconds for another memory to come, he realizes as soon as it hurts that it wouldn’t bother with giving him what he’s looking for. All he asks for is the sound of the Master’s voice, to see that smile move one more time so he makes sure he sears it into his mind for the rest of his life. 

Instead, a strong voice (Xehanort’s) talks about the Darkness making way for the Light, just like the expansive sky that is home to the stars. It was necessary to pursue it, he had said to someone. 

A single tear treads all the way to Terra’s jawline. He’s tried his best. No photos, no special memory. It’s like the Master doesn’t linger here anymore.

Defeated, Terra pulls his Gummiphone out, searching for Naminé’s entry. He won’t commit to an appointment. He’s only asking questions, wondering if there are better ways to maneuver through the memories so he gets what he wants. She doesn’t answer right away. 

He pulls himself up at the foot of the bed, aching like an older man even though he looks twenty in the mirrors. What lies.

Where else to find mementos? Terra has already looked through the Master’s study and his favorite spots in the library. The only place left is the attic. 

The attic sits atop the northeast tower. Terra is in the residential wing, in the southeast tower, so he has to travel several paces downstairs to make it over, just to climb all the way back up. Entirely built of wood, the attic has one stained-glass window that slices pastels through the floorboards. A lot of junk gets dumped up here—old knight statues from a Master that lived eight-hundred years ago or so, faded paintings that have names but aren’t recognizable anymore, couches that are stained and out of style, chests of outdated books and maps, and trinkets and gifts that litter everywhere else. Even Aqua can’t bear to let any of this go despite that none of it truly belongs to anybody. To her, it’s like rejecting their history. The Master probably had felt the same.

Before what happened, Master Eraqus was moving items up here, mostly stacks of papers. They were shoved in a leather binder, tied together with string. It’s a long shot the photos will be with them, but regardless, Terra begins the hunt. 

It’s not in the chest of crystals. Not by the old (creepy) dollhouse. Not with any of the broken phonograms, nor with the folded rugs that stack from floor to ceiling. 

But it’s right there, sitting neatly by a basket full of gold artifacts from worlds Terra has never been to and engraved in languages he doesn’t know, tied with a red string and stitched in handmade leather. When Terra pulls it open, he’s greeted by a handful of letters written to Eraqus about trouble in other worlds, asking for his help, and a stack of essays about the philosophy of the Keyblade, both in the common-tongue and the ancient. 

It’s nothing like reliving memories or watching them like footage, but Terra imagines the Master working late into the night on his desk with a quill, writing these essays slowly so he keeps his impeccable script. He’d read books with a glass of wine every night, and keep at it in the morning with a mug of coffee, hair unbrushed as usual but that’s fine when he keeps it in a short ponytail every day. He’d disappear every week to some other world, leaving Terra and Aqua with a nanny until they were old enough to take care of themselves. Considering what these people are writing about—missing circus animals, their neighborhood mountain being possessed, and even an early report of Unversed showing up in the woods—the Master used to be a busy man. 

Why did he have to die that day? Why can’t Terra keep the things that are supposed to come with home?

Terra sniffs. The smell of cedar comes up, as though the cologne was sprayed up here recently. Kicked up with a cloud of dust, as though the Master is here.

I am… well, for a short time at least.

Terra whips over his shoulder to find the Master behind him, a glow beaming through him as he checks the rust spreading on one of the oldest sets of armor. Picking up dust, Master Eraqus rubs it between his fingers.

This sorely needs urgent attention. I recommend some solvent and a spot of oil, he says, smiling at Terra as if it’s any other morning and breakfast will be announced soon. So many histories live here.

“Master?” Terra drops the papers.

Eraqus tsks his disapproval and like muscle memory, Terra immediately gathers the papers together, working on automatic mode, tucking them under his arm as if this is class and he has to be on his best behavior. When the Master approaches, he makes no noise: no thuds to his steps, no wind whooshed by his robe, gliding gracefully across the floor. Terra bows... though he cannot fight the urge to stare up. Terra has forgotten about the scar; it was on the Master’s face,  every single day, but he’s never heard the story behind it. An elephant accident. A run-in with pirates. Those were the contradicting explanations he’s heard every time he asks.

The Master looks down, motioning with his hand to stand up. Look at you. Almost as tall as I am.

“You’re here.”

The Master smiles. This is the happiest Terra remembers him being; he must not feel his chronic back pains anymore. You have spent your whole week following me. He gives Terra a mischievous knowing in his eyes. I suppose it would be rude of me not to return the gesture.

“I’m sorry,” Terra gasps, mouth gaped open for all the words he prepared, but now that the moment is passing by, he doesn’t know what to say anymore. He reaches out with a hand but stops himself, scared of what it would feel like to to pass right through the image. “I missed you.”

And I have missed you all so much, Eraqus says with contentment.

“I wish it never happened,” Terra chokes. “Sometimes, I wish I could find some way—”

Shhh. The Master shakes his head lovingly. Don’t. No longer shall you venture down the path of grief. You have already experienced first-hand what such curiosities could lead to. And you already know you don’t need to. 

“I know,” Terra whispers. “I know.”

When the Master smiles this time, he sighs and closes his eyes like he’s feeling the sun. I have reunited with so many of my old friends since. Such a peaceful existence. He opens them. Your friendships are something to cherish for as long as they can physically walk by your side, Terra. But who am I to lecture? You have always. Friends to love, who want to care for you. I am so proud.

So proud…

Tears, quiet and happy, fall like drops of spring, Terra hearing what he always yearned to hear since he was six years old, a comforting embrace that wants to tell him he can breathe again without feeling guilty. 

But he still does. Every living breath is guilty by association.

“She’s so happy now,” Terra whispers as if to justify his actions, remembering Aqua sparring for the first time with Rainfell in years, hesitant at first, unsure of how it’s going to react with spells, but it comes fast. It comes like drinking water, natural and needed. “I don’t regret anything.”

Which was why you were the perfect candidate when I had asked you to look after them. He smirks. I couldn’t have trusted anyone better for the responsibility. 

Terra swallows, searching for the courage not to ask, believing he shouldn’t. He’s weak. “I am?”

The smile falls. You are not weak. 

You are willing to bare it all for your friends. Your bonds with Aqua and Ven are unbreakable, a magical, special, living Light to behold. A forge stronger than chains, weightless and free. I am sorry for seeding so much doubt within you, when you have so much to offer. If only I wasn’t—it was my duty to do better. That is my shame. He shakes his head at himself. But you’ve been so dedicated to the past, Terra, he says, concerned but not disappointed. Too much so. I worry. 

Terra grimaces. “Ha, I never have any explanations for the dumb mistakes I make when I need to.”

You’ll find little answers in what lies behind you. The Master leans forward, pulling a small smile as he studies Terra’s eyes. But you are more than capable. Please do me the favor. Trace the past no longer. You have your bonds to nourish, and more to flower. Then he smiles more, an epiphany in his eyes like he wants to share a secret. Only in death did I realize what true Mastery really is. The living can be so foolish. 

“You weren’t a fool, Master.”

Master… A Master is a forever student. To deny this is to be blind to your faults. Eraqus laughs, his eyes rolling. What would I have said to my younger self. You don’t see that one in the books. 

“I don’t know, I… I think what I did for Aqua trumps any dream I had in becoming Master.”

Eraqus’s eyes glisten. Do you not see one when you look at yourself in the mirror? 

Terra bows his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, warm and real. Terra could hug him. But he doesn’t, not when Eraqus slips something flat in his hand. 

Do take care of them. He holds Terra’s jaw. Chin up, son.

Footsteps climb up the stairs leading into the attic, and Terra is alone with a smooth piece of paper in one hand, the other wiping tears from his cheeks.

“Terra? You okay? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Aqua is carrying a finished wreath with purple flowers. She stops when she gasps, looking around the attic. “That smells like the Master’s cologne,” she whispers.

When Terra smiles, he cries more. “Look at this.”

A sepia-toned picture of Eraqus as a young boy, sitting on a window seat with a chess board laid out in front of him, all teeth from ear to ear, sincere and hopeful. He looks at the camera like it’s his best friend. 

Aqua’s eyes light up as she takes it, a tear for each eye. “Look at him. It’s so strange, but he was adorable.”

“Have you ever seen that one?”

“Never. It wasn’t with the others.”

“The others?”

She strokes the photo with her thumb. “Hm. I moved them into my room. I wanted to frame them.” She holds it to her chest. “Can I take this one?”

“For your room?”

“I’ve got one ready for yours. It’s that nice portrait that used to embarrass him.”

The one where he looked serious enough to judge someone to death. The Master had called it unsightly when it was presented to him.

“That one’s perfect.”

Aqua exhales deeply, shivering as tries to keep herself tall. “I’m so sad he’s gone, and... I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I had given him a Wayfinder. He feels so far away.”

He holds her chin softly, keeping it up as her heavy tears fall. “We could give him ours.”

She stops sobbing and stares through Terra when the realization hits her. She nods. “That’s a wonderful idea,” she says, nuzzling the wreath closer to her, her own little hug for the Master. 

Terra’s Gummiphone buzzes in his pocket. That has to be Naminé. 

“The wreath is beautiful,” he tells Aqua, and that grounds her back to reality. “You’ve done a marvelous job.”

“Thank you.” She strokes some of the leaves to keep them in place. “I’ll see you back at the front door?”

“Definitely.”

He’ll let her go downstairs first, pulling out the Gummiphone to read his new text. He’s going to tell Naminé that he’s changed his mind. He’s ready for an appointment.

PART 10 - videos #18 & 19

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

just super...

- Greg says basically every commentary channel has made videos about him. Says this is because they noticed he stayed quiet for so long so they felt safe, like predators, to approach and attack. They think now it’s safe to make a video and they could say whatever they want. Everyone will believe it because there’s no other side to the story. Now that they know the truth, what are they going to do? [Sarah blackmailed them, apologized] Now these channels have a choice to make. Are they going to ignore his detailed recalling of everything that happened, which is documented? Says if you look back at his old videos about these things his statements all match. He doesn’t have time to watch these old boring videos to get his stories straight. If you go back and watch there will only be a 5% error and that’s from memory problems, it was 8 years ago and some details might be blurry. - Says this is a consistent story line of him enduring crazy bitch after crazy bitch and dumping them for being crazy bitches. Like Billie. When they broke up with her she slept with a drunk dude. Sounds like she r-a-p-e-d him, unless she was drunk too then they r-a-p-e-d each other. She just casually went out and slept with someone and when he said they could get back together she said they might not want that. He told her she wasn’t dating them so it’s fine. The dude had whisky dick. - PSA to people, you don’t sleep with people when they’re intoxicated [mind blown gesture]. VeeOneEye allegedly slept with a 15 year old when she was drunk and everyone loves him now. Back then he admitted to what he did and no one cares anymore. People selectively decide to forget. When someone’s drunk they can’t consent. - Says he always wanted to pursue a relationship with his ex sister-in-law someday. They were three years apart. He was 18 and she was 15 or 16. He didn’t pursue that because it was weird. One night she was drunk and she tried to kiss him when they were alone. He dodged it, he moved his head and she missed kissing him entirely. Later that night they held hands until the morning. In the morning she said “what the F”, not realizing she held hands with him all night. As he understands, she tells the story differently, which is weird because she was drunk. - He says people talk about the FBI as if they’re so interested in someone who slept with an 18 1/2 year old. [Sarah blackmailed them, apologized] Seems like you should investigate her. He would press charges, but he can’t prove it happened. He didn’t voice record everything that was said. She apparently held onto a laptop for years and somehow just now came across things that were offensive to them? There would instantly be SWAT on someone who actually had that. She’s a liar and says she has evidence, but nothing happens. He’s telling the truth, but has no evidence so nothing happens. He can’t do a rape kit because it was a legal thing and not a psychical force thing. People say he’s older so he can’t he raped, that’s rape apology. He respected that she acknowledged what she did and apologized, but apparently she didn’t mean it because she denied it later on. What happened between the apology and now? Was it that he said he can’t handle people with BPD in a video? Says if you’re medicated you’re probably fine, but if not people with BPD are a problem to people around them. They get crazy emotional, mix up stories, it’s a psychotic world to be in. When they’re mad at you, you feel like you’re going to get murdered. They look at you with black eyes, like Sarah. They have no love for you and the rage they have for you builds up inside and they get a murderous feeling. Someone said she doesn’t have BPD, then what did she have? She was taking medication. She took his video about BPD personally and that’s when she launched the malicious and vindictive attack on him. He stayed silent because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s gone too far and he has to defend himself. - He heard nothing from the FBI. The only thing he head from the police is that people online are crazy. They were professional until they went on a livestream. That’s so weird to go on a livestream and imply he’s guilty with no proof. - Someone tried to SWAT them. Allegedly it’s because Hansen paid someone to dox them. That’s according to Chris’ former Facebook page Vince took over. Vince probably knows a lot of dirt on Hansen, so if you want dirt you should go to Vince. This is why you don’t burn bridges when you’re running a corrupt investigation because you’ll wind up getting what you give. When you go after someone who is innocent and tell the world they’re guilty it’s going to come back to bite you in the butt. Sometimes what’s biting you in the butt is someone finally standing up for themselves and pointing out what a liar and fraud you are. Tells Hansen to stop being a con artist. [Hansen’s financial issues, went to jail]

email

- Reads an email from someone who apologizes for being unfairly biased toward him. They say they didn’t know how to contact him without buying the perk on his channel. He says he does that to filter out trolls. They say they were biased because they were assaulted in the past. He says that happens to him a lot, people compare him to their ex who did bad things to them. He’s not like their ex because they probably broke up with their ex for being a creep, but he breaks up with people for being a creep. [Locked in the garage story, door frame story] - This person says they can’t find a single thing Greg did wrong. He says he could have been more gentle with rejecting people, but he doesn’t let people down easy. - They say Kai was the real victim, everyone was consenting adults. Greg agrees and clarifies Shiloh wasn’t technically an adult at 17 1/2, but was legal. [Kai wanted to be Sarah’s friend, Sarah pressured him.] Greg says it was like trickery on his part because he would kiss Kai, then pull Sarah over. He and Sarah did that to Kai. Person says it’s probably harder on Kai since he’s trans and has dysphoria. Greg says a lot of dysphoria, Kai talks about slicing off his boobs all the time. - Person says people probably believe Hansen because he’s famous, but he’s not professional and a fraud. Greg agrees and says Hansen is creepy. [Chris’ wife left him] - Person says they are glad Greg told Tobuscus to speak up. Greg says when Tobuscus spoke up everyone embraced but, but Greg is a different case. He doesn’t expect to be embraced. People want to love Tobuscus, but Greg is hated. The difference is Greg calls people “fucking asshole morons” and Tobuscus doesn’t. People run on emotions, not mentally, so they lash out at him because he hurt their feelings. People are morons and he’s not going to suck everyone D’s because he wants their approval. That’s the attribute of an honest person, you can’t say what everyone wants to hear. If they do they’re lying. Says there was a guy who lied about people’s stocks always going up and now he’s jail. Never trust someone who pretends to be perfect. Greg says he has admitted his many faults. - This person says they were a Patreon before everything went down and apologizes. Greg says because he wasn’t saying anything people thought he was guilty. Even though it should be innocent until proven guilty. Karma will come around for them. - He says deep fakes aren’t 100% there yet and you can see blurs on the necks. He thinks in the year 2100 the concept of reality won’t exist because everything will be so easily deep faked on camera. No one will know what’s real. [Saw screenshots of people threatening to deep fake him.] He says he’s seen fake screen shots of his twitter. They’re just hurting their case. He doesn’t care because he’s innocent either way. [Sarah apologized for r-a-p-e] This is the reason this has been going on for months and months. People have jack shit. Says this is what happens when you pin your career on a lie, Hansen. Now you have to pay the price when your house of cards falls apart. This is Hansen’s life now until he takes responsibility. Hansen is going after someone innocent pretending to be a hero. White knights always end up villains. 

I’m gonna go ahead and put this under a cut, because it’s not exactly relevant to this blog, but it IS tangentially related to it and I thought it was too hilarious not to share here:

So, story time.  For those of you who saw the post I made about it, you’ll know that I made a Twitter as somewhat of a companion account to this blog (@midzelink over there, same as here), and it’s been an...interesting experience.  I generally didn’t like Twitter (and I still don’t!), but it HAS exposed me to some pieces of art and other media that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise, so I’m pretty grateful for that, at least.  Mostly, my Twitter is currently a dumping ground for posts I don’t think are Quality Enough for this blog, but I’ve also uploaded a lot of my GIFs there, and I’m hoping to help spread the word of Midlink Week with it here in just a few days.  Blah blah blah, et cetera, et cetera.

But one OTHER thing that being on Twitter has given me is an opportunity to see...people reuploading my GIFs!  This was something I didn’t really think would bother me all that much until I saw it action.  To make a somewhat long story kind of short, I saw two reuploads of two completely different GIFs - and though the first case was a Tweet with zero likes or RTs (that the user simply deleted upon my request), the second case was an artist with a hefty number of followers who then credited and followed me after I asked them to.  So, each incident ended fairly without any problems (I wasn’t hostile in either circumstance), and I’ve already taken it upon myself to start watermarking all of my graphics from this point forward to prevent this kind of thing in the future.

Fast forward about a week, and I see a Tweet on my timeline featuring a quoted Tweet that I for some reason am unable to view.  I switch over to my personal Twitter and see that it’s a Tweet from the account @GifZelda, which is an account with over 32K followers dedicated to, well...posting GIFs about Zelda.  Trying to view the account on my LoZ account yields this:

And my initial reaction is naturally, damn, what in the hell did I do?

So I do a bit of digging, and I find out that this account is following the really popular artist who reposted one of my GIFs (link to that Tweet thread).  On top of that, scrolling through their account, it’s painfully clear that they aren’t creating most (possibly any) of the graphics that they’re uploading; though it doesn’t appear they’ve reuploaded any of my stuff personally, they did RT that GIF that the artist reuploaded, and I recognize one of the GIFs they’ve recently posted as belonging to one of the GFX folks right here on Tumblr (whom I won’t name to keep them out of this).

Given the above info, I can only surmise the following:

Twitter user @GifZelda saw my completely valid request to receive credit for a GIF that I created in the replies of a Tweet they Retweeted

being an account comprised almost entirely of reposted and uncredited GIFs, they blocked me

Therefore:

Twitter user @GifZelda is a gotdamn clown and a coward

Like, damn.  Reposting GIFs is one thing - but blocking someone who hasn’t even interacted with you out of fear that they might do something as benign as ask for credit for a GIF they made if you end up reposting on of their graphics in the future?  The amount of disrespect this punk has for the people who make the very GIFs they pride their account on around  is REALLY freaking incredible, lmfao. 

And no, reposting GIFs isn’t nearly as bad as, say, reposting art - but these things still take time and effort, and it’s a hobby I’ve committed a lot of both to, considering I make literally $0 from it when all is said and done.  Asking for credit isn’t overstepping bounds.  It’s just the bare minimum, folks.

Anyways, as ridiculous as this whole situation has been, it IS pretty hilarious how blatant of an asshole this person is, and if they think blocking me on my LoZ account is gonna stop me from requesting credit should they ever repost one of my GIFs, they’ve got another think coming B)

Here’s a thing I wish more people would abide by on the internet: whether you love [Media Title] or hate it, leave others alone.

If someone’s on their blog/twitter/whatever being hyped about A Thing, waltzing in to piss all over them and take a dump on the thing they love is petty, selfish, and unforgivably rude. Don’t fucking do it. Let them be happy. Stop trying to make everyone as miserable as you are.

Likewise, if someone is in their personal space venting about how much they hated A Thing, leave them alone. Don’t ride in on your high horse to tell them why they’re wrong or make judgments about them being bitter and incapable of enjoying good things. It’s a dick move, and as wonderful and helpful as you think you are, you’re just being an asshole.

Also, I know how tempting it is to swagger in and say “ahh, this post is clearly about [Specific Title],” but it isn’t. It may be influenced by something recent, but this is an issue that goes alllll the way back and it’s something that rears its nasty head any time something popular is generated. So yeah, it’s about the thing you think it’s about. It’s also about this other thing you haven’t heard of. And another thing you haven’t seen yet. And still another thing that had died down for a while but is now resurging. It’s all those things and more than either of us could guess. And it needs to stop.

There is no “right” opinion, but there are right and wrong ways to go about expressing your feelings, and shoving them down the throat of someone who disagrees with you is wrong. Get over it.

Oh, and in case anyone tries to be clever, this is strictly about media-related stuff where opinions honestly don’t matter. It isn’t about human rights issues, which DO have clear right and wrong viewpoints and are not open for debate.

So...I got this review on ff-net for "Longing" this morning. Usually I love reviews because they give me encouragement...this ain't one of them, though.

If you don't want to read through it, in summary...

"Great story, but it seems like you hate men and the direction of society. Why isn't Dean just the bland fella presented in the show? Why is he violent and a cheating asshole who's rich; that's Logan y'know? Love the story as I said and Madeline and Louise are great, but I'm done with it."

Yeah, a lot to unpack here if you're not in the GG fandom like I've been since near the beginning, along with the basic concept of fanfiction.

"It's a well-written story with good characterisation of Rory and Paris but...there's a lot of anger in it."

When I started the story in 2003, the sky was the limit, and Paris and Rory were on their way to great lives bereft of any issues with men and so much potential for women in the world. Fast-forward to 2019...where we have a lying cheat of an asshole in the White House, merely disagreeing with a man is enough to bury your Twitter mentions in hate, and LGBTQ+ rights are being attacked at every turn.

Then we have the aftermath of AYITL, which dynamited Rory's future into being completely dependent on men (aka Logan), took away her entire drive and reason for being, and left her as a homewrecker having a kid she probably never wanted. And Paris is in a loveless marriage with a completely underwritten Doyle whose character traits went from 'being a loving and supporting boyfriend to a neurotic Jewish girl with the entire world upon her shoulders' to 'wink-wink Danny Strong writes Empire and Oscar-winners; Doyle can't raise kids let's just write that Doyle's that now since we threw out the Doyle notebook in our post-S6 burning of all our character notes'.

Yeah, over sixteen years, you tend to write for your reality, and the reality right now? Totally sucks.

"Some of it seems to be directed at society, some of it at the show, with a disproportionate amount of it being taken out on mostly male characters who bear only a passing resemblance to their on screen portrayal..."

Once again...AYITL hasn't aged well. Society hates journalists. It hates driven women (see my last post taking down that asshole who hates Brie Larson). Males are pretty damned well responsible for most of it. And I haven't had the best male figures of my life and have been mostly around women. I'm probably not going to write a positive view of some men; it's bias, and I own up to it here.

And yeah, my men don't match up to how they are on screen. Because, fanfiction is...

'Fiction written by a fan of, and featuring characters from, a particular TV series, movie, etc.'

Speaking of which...

"...Which seems to have got worse as I suspect you liked the show less and less."

You're reading my story. A Gilmore Girls fanfiction. My Twitter bio declares that I've loved it a decade and a half before the Gilmore Guys started their podcast. A show where I literally follow nearly main actor on the series into every future project they've had and watched loyally, for the most part. I buy every movie the girls have been in. Fanfiction isn't defined as 'a random person writing hate screeds against a particular TV series, movie, etc.'. You're not going to ever see me write even a drabble about how much Kevin Can Wait should be called Kevin Can Burn In Hell Because He's a Ghoulish Sexist Fuckface Who Celebrated His Wife's Death To Move On With His Former Hot Wife From Another Show.

Still love Gilmore Girls in full. But being a fan doesn't mean I have to like every single decision the writers and ASP ever made.

That is the fun of fanfiction. If I disagree with canon...I can disregard it, in part, or in full. I have never been able to find a fellow fan that agreed with every plot point the show has ever made. I hope I never will, because that's definitely not why anyone should ever be a fan of the show.

And excuse my language here...but I've written over a MILLION WORDS for this story. 27 chapters have been posted. I have an eventual endgame planned for the story that has been in my mind since the day I posted chapter one. Why the fuck would I write a million words about something I hate?!

"Dean has gone from a good first boyfriend who just wasn't right for Rory long-term to a violent thief who cheated on Rory throughout their relationship and never loved her anyway. And now, incredibly, seems to be just another entitled rich kid? It feels like you really want to bash on Logan but can't find a way to have him in the story, so you've turned Dean into him."

Oh reviewer...dear reviewer...oh, you don't know what you've gotten yourself into.

I have ALWAYS hated Dean. Always. Since January 2001 when I caught up on the backlog of episodes I missed because I only started watching during the two back-to-back night Christmas episodes, the only positive thought I've been able to spare for him was that Jared Padalecki (no attacks on him here, just the character) got a good living playing a completely underwritten bore who has nothing redeeming going on and a backstory that I would call 'existent'.

The show claims he's from the south side of Chicago in a neighborhood near the Dan Ryan that has 5% white people going by the zip code of his mail from there (the show's basic research department blew it there). Most white people from Chicago are in the Gold Coast, the northwest suburbs, or the North Shore. I have been adjacent to the Chicago market my whole life. He's from the North Shore, no question, judging from how his parents seem to have good enough wealth and how every white guy Chicago teenager story is drawn from a kid from the North Shore.

He literally punched Jess out three times!

He made Rory fear violence for merely losing a bracelet he gave her and for being near Tristan for a school function (LOL, Dristan...that burn still causes me to laugh at inappropriate times about how dumb it was, and I'm sure Tristan has it as one of his constant bon mots).

He called her home phone nearly a hundred times a day and drove her to the edge of madness with a 'must watch every day' love of Lord of the Rings that compares unfavorably to my four year-old nephew only loving Frozen, PJ Masks and Daniel Tiger. That isn't anyone any person has to tolerate in a relationship.

Dean’s only reaction to Rory trying to prove a point with her Donna Reed night was just she looked hot and he learned nothing about how women hate being confined to being solely homemakers and sexual receptacles.

He dumped her because she didn’t say “I Love You” like it was the goddamned bonus round in Wheel of Fortune and she didn’t get the solution out before the buzzer.

Dean’s shambles of a gift, that piece of shit car? It almost killed Rory and Jess. It looked like it didn’t have seatbelts. I’m surprised we didn’t get an episode where Dean ended up homeless because Richard sued his cheap ass into the fucking ground.

He decided to make her go back to him in front of the entrance of Chilton, where Rory would have looked like the biggest b***h in history if she didn’t return an ‘I love you’, and goddamned well knew it. Any good person would have done this in fucking private, like a considerate person.

He never respected the Chilton side of her life. At all. If it was up to him, he would’ve made up a bomb threat and had his friend imitate Rory’s voice to get her kicked out of the school she spent her young life trying to get into. If it was up to him, Harvard would have never even been a possibility, and if not for Jess coming in, he would have intimidated her into pushing off her dream entirely to stay in the kitchen.

His origin story was never mentioned outside 'he moved from Chicago and had a girlfriend in the past, Beth'. Fanfiction allows you to examine the holes in stories and go from there, and I just worked with them because the thing with moves to new locales? You can have a brand new image with people, and they will never know what you did in your old place. Judging by his violent/stalkerish tendencies, he has a pretty good case for having Imposter Syndrome that eventually reset itself in the Hollow.

Over time he went from a guy who seemed to like good literature to hyperfocusing on the 'it' media property of the time. Likely he started out liking fine literature, but once he fell in with the imbeciles of his friend group in the Hollow, that proved to be a lie.

He had a thing about being close to Lorelai. So much that around that time, there were so many more people shipping Lorelai/Dean than Rory/Dean as a romantic couple. If not for his later flanderization, that fangroup would still be strong.

HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE!

**HE. CHEATED. ON. HIS. WIFE!

***HE! CHEATED! ON! HIS! WIFE!

****And outside losing his home and some stuff being damaged (rightfully fucking so) by Lindsay, both her and Rory took all the brunt of the damage his wandering dick did between all of them. Lindsay was guilted by her parents for checking out on her marriage and was never heard from again (I assume she's in a convent now because ASP's writing outside of Lorelai and Rory [or Paris, Sookie and Lane on a day she wasn't angry at the world for not pressing her hat right] for women was 'they are the enemy'). Rory had to find her way back to her old self (and she never did going by ending up with Logan). Dean? Welp, good thing "Supernatural" started at that time to save ASP the bother of having to explain what a dumbass Dean was.

*****Justice for Lindsay Lister! I hope she didn't go to a convent, but flipped off her parents, squealed out of town and is killing it in a career where she's respected, with a partner who loves her deeply.

The scene where he cornered Rory into sex in her house and said he didn’t love Lindsay was sexual assault and gaslighting. ASP intended it to be romantic, but instead created a nightmare scene that would be completely passe in a Lifetime movie. Rory’s first time was her being forced to give up her sexual agency for the pleasure of only Dean. And it’s exactly why the Paris/Rory scene I wrote on the yoga mats was intended to be the exact reverse of that trash.

He hoped to get ahead in life on a hockey scholarship. That's...not a life plan. And he paid for it by being stuck doing construction.

He hated Paris. He hated that Rory had her as a friend. He wanted a life with Rory that never involved Paris.

Paris is a strong-ass lady for daring to step to him and lie through her teeth about wanting Jess to stop the Great Stars Hollow Homicide of 2002 By The Coward Dean Forrester from ever being a thing.

LOL Logan is Tristan Lite and always will be.

About ten chapters back I mentioned how the girls consider Logan terrible already from a distance based on the New York media scene. Trust me, he's in this story (he may be a little more in this story later).

"There is a lot to recommend in this, like the slow burn set-up (although you've made up for it since!)..."

#backhandedcompliment (Also, what's to recommend? Love to know what you did like, but you spent all that time saying 'I'm mean to men', so I guess you ran out of time on that)

"...and turning Madeleine and Louise into three-dimensional characters..."

You sent me a flame, but didn't expand on what you loved about this? Thanks for the lack of feedback (and for misspelling Madeline’s name).

"But there are several reasons why it's not been an easy read so I won't be hanging out for an update, I'm afraid."

You basically said that you consider me a man-hater and that because I choose to have the ladies present their views in the story, you don't like that I'm drawing real life into their motives, mores and decisions. And you said I hated the show when most of my friend circle was formed through bonding through it, and we still love it, even if we think Rory needed to do better in life and ASP's writing weakened as each season went on.

I don't need readers like you, seriously. There are many other Rory/Paris stories you can read out there. As I have said in many other flame responses;

I am not the be-all end-all of Paris/Rory fic. PLEASE, read other writers. Enjoy their stuff. But don't whine at me or them because we choose to show that even in fictional worlds, people are against LGBTQ+ issues and people. We're not going to get equality by sugar-coating or whitewashing our way past those issues, and if you can't handle what I consider light attacks against entitled men, you should probably find something else to read.

Lemme Just Vent A Second

I'm about to be homeless. I ended a rebound relationship gone too long.....8 years. Everything that once made me happy is slowly making me feel empty. Since my spiritual path, I had to dump my old friends. It was hard to do because they are good people but this new lifestyle I'm on, they wouldn't understand. I'm trying very hard to remain positive but it's like increasingly harder and harder with every day to try to be thankful for what I have.... Or had.

Please don't read this and think I'm trying to look for sympathy. Well I am to a level because quite honestly I have like no one. Everyone has thier issues and shit, I don't feel comfortable hitting them up to complain about how lonely and depressed I am. No one needs that. I know shit can be worse and it looks like it just very well might be in a few short weeks.

I just want to write what I have in my heart without people judging me.

Maybe someone is there having the same bullshit and we should kick it with a few drinks and a nice bowl of trees. I feel stuck and straight up invisible. Everyone has gotten the memo except me. Like I was out walking to get some food. And it didn't take long to remember how lonely I am. You know that one person you see eating alone? Like a few bites in I was like, fuck this shit I'm out bitch. Back home I go.

Lately I've been so tired and alone. Really alone. I don't have real life friends and that's what I need. I don't need some "guru" giving me some wise words I already know and shit. What I really need is a fucking hug, man. Like sure my mom is here for a few days but I don't like getting all emotional or wimpy around her. It's weird and I feel dumb talking about my relationships and how bad I'm hurt from them.... Because well it's kind of her faulty parenting. Awkward....

Being psychic, you'd think I would have seen this coming.

No, not necessarily. I must have a mental block or something because I don't know shit and honestly I rather not know about my future. It creeps me the fuck out. It would be really fucking God damn great if I just got a fucking break okay?

Erik is dead, I had to get over it.

All of my relationships sucked and I was hurt by every single one. I had to get over it.

I'm probably never going to be able to or be given an opportunity to love anyone for the rest of my life. That I have to get over.

If I have to spend the rest of my life miserable and alone like this just do me a favor and shoot me please.

All mellow drama aside Im impatient as fuck.

I want my life back. I want my happiness back and to help people pro-bono again. I want to get back in to doing my psychic and mediumship work again. I want to get back in to writing and doing music again. I can't help others or focus on anything else until my life is back on track and so far all I'm seeing is...

*Katt Williams voice*

Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up... Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up... Lol

To be honest I'm scared AF. Meanwhile Vince is sitting on money his parents saved up for him now?! What the actual fuck. Does he know how lucky he is? Yes, because he got a brand new phone and talked about how it's a piece of shit (Any phone not a ZTE is not a piece of shit I promise you. Motorola still have some good phones) and as I was asking to borrow some scratch from Kane for food...

Vince is like, Oh I forgot to tell you [my] dad sent me some money he had saved up for me. You can't touch it...

I'm like....

Uh, no, bitch nigga I don't want your daddy's money...

... or your money or anything from you. What I want to know is what you said to your mommy and daddy to get them to funnel you cash like that.

He's an honorary trust-fund bitch nigga. Someone please stop me from beating him in to a shrimp he is. Fucking asshole. I break up with him because he's a deadbeat drug addict and he's REWARDED?!

Are you fucking kidding me, Jesus?! You're going to let this happen Jesus?! Have you forgotten all the bullshit I was dragged through? When the fuck am I due for a break?... When I die?!

😆👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 In case you haven't noticed what's keeping some of my sanity intact is watching Katt Williams stand-up.

😘 💞 💕 ❤️ Good night!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at channelingerik.com.

(◕‿◕)♡ Social: Twitter Tumblr Instagram YouTube

Ryan has a new bitch he’s interested in every week so ladies don’t think you’re special. None of us are. He has a new bitch every week whether he’s single or not. Isn’t that right Ryan? Do you want to counter argue me? Also would you like me to give names of just a FEW of those lovely ladies or are you gonna stop talking shit to me? Get this he’s still calling me a whore! He can’t own up to shit. He still denies it and is pissed I found him out yet again! He won’t apologize. He actually never has for ANY of it. EVER. Big surprise there! Should I post the emails babe? I can prove it however it needs to be proven. If he denies any of it there’s always a way around it. Trust me I’ve tried this before and the motherfucker still fucking lies and tries to find a way around it so I already know his pathetic tactics. Just trace the IP address to the email. Btw thanks for teaching me that btw. I never knew itd come in handy one day it sucks that the cops couldn’t help me with that tho. They had more important things to do then to trace shit over the net with a bunch of she said he said bullshit cause there’s too much of that going around all over the net anyway. It’s impossible to prove anything and no cop or judge is going to make a case out of any of it. Apparently it’s too pointless and petty and happens far too frequently that it’s not even an important matter of concern to them as cops etc. Also they aren’t gonna go Searching for evidence all over the net too when there are babies being thrown in dumpsters. Etc. etc. The cops couldn’t even help me when you posted the revenge porn of me even when they EVEN heard you admitting to it on the fucking phone from YOUR # & your voicemails that they listened to. Ya remember that?? But yes! Believe me I tried. Need me to go on tho?? Oh... also didn’t you say you even sent revenge porn of me to one of my ex friends who liked me? I stopped talking to them cause of you (mr. we both only need eachother. I don’t need to talk to other girls. I’m not a whore like you blah fucking blah - care for me to expand on that too??!) but I can get that video if need be but sure go ahead and try and threaten them too. I got more dirt on that person that you wouldn’t believe. I mean you have deframed (?) me enough times on twitter and on fb and on the deep/dark web posting revenge porn of me there too. And ya the cops etc. also they can’t help if you retaliated back too in the past. Which I have and you have. And dating you I learned to take screenshots and show other people your actual posts too Incase you try and lie later. There’s also your friends that have seen it but ofc if they’re YOUR friends I wouldn’t put it past them to be the type of person to lie under oath for you. I mean I know some of the girls that you are friends with on here even support you even knowing that youre an abuser. Which maybe I should out now that I think of it. no one tolerates people that defend abusers anymore anyway. Whether the abuser is your friend or not. No one cares. It makes you look just as bad as the abuser. Especially if you are a woman supporting an abusive man. Also remember jack, Ryan? Ya there’s this guy jack. His mother came to my house once cause she wanted to get in contact with Ryan. Apparently his own parents shooed jacks poor old mother away. See your precious Ryan... he’s a con man. He stole her car but see he got away with it because jacks sweet old mother thought she could trust him with the keys. He takes the car and steals (he always does this - big ass clepto/thief) the stuff inside it (a bunch of electronic crap.) As a con man you got to know a lot about the law so there really is nothing the cops can do with Ryan stealing her car cause she willingly gave his con man ass the keys. And when He was done using the car to go to places (he didn’t have a car at the time) he dumps it somewhere far away from San antonio and or where jack and his mother live and then one of his family members (and I know who too so yes try to get at me - I’m not outing this person YET cause this is the only actual person in Ryan’s family that actually seems like the most sane and level headed person) who lived around there drove Ryan’s ass away. Ryan’s so called friends know about this too. I can name the two... but ofc these people unlike most of you on here know how Ryan really is so ofc they back up Ryan in fear of what he might do to them. Am I right? So and so.. ;) I also have jack and his mothers #. I can go on and on. I have tons of proof, don’t I Ryan? So yes. Please keep calling me a whore. I even have the report jacks mother made that I went down and got Incase you threaten them to back you up somehow so ya thought of that too, darling and ofc other things etc. etc. and lies about you and your family that I have found out and have known for quite some time now. But haven’t said shit despite how y’all treat me. But see that was because I LOVED Ryan. Think I still do now?? But you see being with Ryan you’ll realize you have to do all these types of things cause he’s just that kind of a con man/asshole/wife beater etc. etc. arent you, Ryan? So yes. Please. Keep calling me a whore, babe. Do it ️ oh and you think you can get at me for so called ‘threatening’ your family which I hardly am but knowing your lying desperate ass I can only imagine... Well before you try that one, my dear...think long and hard first... here I’ll kinda help your narcissistic self out cause you always forget all the shit you’ve did cause you never do anything wrong... right babe? You’re such a sweet guy... right everyone?? But ya... babe...remember my dying father that was in intensive care that you wanted to pull out all his plugs and kill him. I have the voicemail still of you threatening that to me if I didn’t call you back and the report of that too and the cop who listened to that vm as well and the hospital who was alerted and the cops/security in the hospital who were on standby. But yes... There’s also that just for STARTERS. But yes it’s awesome that both are fathers are lawyers. Isn’t it babe? Both of us know so much about the law and all. And also this isn’t half of what I know and I’m sure I only know a bit of what you know too. But mr let’s let bygones be bygones... hm? How does that apply with Brandi now? You hated that I still held all your cheating against you and you wanted a clean slate with me. ‘unlike you I love you so I trust you. Blah fucking blah. Hur durh.’ It must be easy for you to trust me and ‘love’ me when I don’t go around fucking cheating and whoring myself out all the damn time and then lying about it!! so yes babe. I can trust you. You love me. You don’t cheat. You are faithful and you do love me. You want to marry me. You bought me a ring. You want to have babies with me. Yaddah yaddah yaddah. Did I forget any of the other bullshit that you’ve said??? I guess why I’m the most pissed off is cause you abuse me and say you don’t do shit behind my back and for me not to still be hurt or bring up that old shit that you don’t do anymore and that I should give you a clean slate and all this fucking bs and yet... here we are... see if I did any of the shit you did... let’s face it. I’d be dead right now. Want me to say how I know? ;) ya didn’t think so. The most fucked up part is that you never even felt bad for it... and if anything I went over and beyond to save your ass cause I was worried about you getting in trouble for some of the real bad abusive shit you did to me. Or did you forget that too? Or do you Want to make a lie about that too or should I just say the whole damn thing?? Cause let’s be honest Ryan... I don’t ever find out everything do I? ;)

Oh and before you threaten me with your lie that my 4’11 tiny ass stole your mainframe/supercomputer wtf ever it’s called. And that supposedly your parents went along with. So get this guys... I broke into his house (I’m a tiny 4’11 chick and what Ryan’s 6’1 and is actually known to ALMOST kill guys twice his size - incase some of you didn’t already know. You know that scar on his eyebrow? Two big guys twice his size apparently hit him with a baseball bat and then he fucking wrecked them.) Anyway I supposedly stole his big ass computer and his parents were apparently witnesses in that is that right?? Cause that’s how Ryan tells it. I mean... to lie about something like that tho... with what actual proof?? That’s all I’ll say... ;) Anyway I stole his big ass computer in this false report that he made of me by breaking into his house and what I walked how many miles to my house with this supercomputer/mainframe??!! Oh didnt Jeremy help you with this lie too? Driving you to the police station and then driving you to my house with the cop you made the false report with?? But yes...Okay use that report against me. But I’m going to demand actual proof of all of it. Witnesses if you want to keep up that lie. And or your parents too apparently. Cause I’m sure if they find anything actually concrete they would see that no one in the streets that day saw shit! My neighbors didn’t see me leave that day or carry that huge ass computer. Let’s say you want to lie some more (I know you too well) say I took a car. Okay ask my neighbors about that too. There’s also cameras at most of the lights. Oh and want to say how I held your computer hostage too? Okay we’ll just find the cop that told my mother and I to do that cause you were a danger to us so they said to just have you come by with a cop but leave the stuff out before hand and go from there etc. this was right before you either tried to slit my throat or went to go cheat all night making tons of excuses for never coming back home till 12pm the next day... so I locked your ass out. And also you threatened my mother and I that you were coming to get your stuff one time. Banging on the door with the knife you tried to slit my throat with that one time. We told you we didn’t want you to come unless a cop was here with you to get your things and who wouldn’t want that?! I mean if they actually know you that is...anyway...Remember that cop that found the knife you had to slit my throat with stop and arrested you for that weapon? And I’m sure he’ll tell people first hand how you tried to frame him. Also all my neighbors who saw. Right?! Can’t forget that either ;) ya I’ll go all the way bitch. How far you want to take this?? Like you tried to frame me for ‘pushing you down the stairs’ when you were trying to steal my phone ie me trying to pull my phone from you that you were trying to steal on the stairs and then letting go cause my mom woke up with all the racket and startled me. So you slipped down the stairs. Pushing you down the stairs my ass. So ya... I’m sure me and that cop and lord knows who else can testify to other lies you’ve told like that. So Ryan tell me what little fantasy you got next that never actually happened? Oh... what about that time you said we made a false report against you? My mother and I. One you have access to guns. We both know this I wonder who else aside from your parents (go hide the guns now! Jesus you all probably would too, anything to cover your sweet baby boys ass) we even called your father asking if you were even home we were so scared. Which said you weren’t (I think you were out at that titty bar with that guy who was living with you at the time for a while - which we didn’t find out until later ofc) anyway we asked if you even had access to guns. And we were told... what again...hm??? What were we told again?? I honestly don’t remember... I’ll ask my mom since she was the one who called on speaker... I’m sure she’ll remember...But yes when we made that report...We said we heard gun shots at our house and we said we weren’t SURE but you are the only person we could think of that would do something like that to us especially with your record and not too long ago the reports of one of the many times you abused me were made. So how the hell did we know?! The cops can tell you also that we mentioned time and time again that we weren’t sure (I’m not a moron Ryan.) But we were scared regardless and just wanted the cops to take a look. Did I cover everything yet?? But yes... someone like you would be trying to get with someone like Brandi behind my back. You two deserve eachother. Want me to post more of her classy ass pictures you seem so proud of liking? Is that why she’s no longer on your Instagram and you unliked that one photo that I posted of her? I’m sure your father would be so proud if the people he works with would see the type of woman his son is seeing and the photos he likes of her. But nah... you and Brandi aren’t whores at all. I actually can’t really blame Brandi tbh. I know this. It takes two to tango and it’s not like she’s the only one you’ve cheated on me with. Also want me to mention how I found the whole thing out tho and who also knows about it before you tried to hide your ass from being ashamed of having done any of that to her with a photo like that. WHAT are you ashamed of her Ryan?! WHY WOULD YOU BE ASHAMED OF HER THO?!  I DONT SEE WHY!! I MEAN WHY WOULD YOU BE??! SRSLY!! Can we discuss this? Cause what you’re telling me does not add up... I’m the whore not you or her? Yet you seem so ashamed... why unlike the photo and NOW finally stop having anything to do with her (that I know of ofc.) You’re so classy tho and she is too! I just wanted everyone to see it! That’s all babe. Cause I’m just some skank right?? Ya fuck you, asshole. You push people too fucking far sometimes. What the fuck did you expect?! Oh let’s not forget how most of the cops that you have associated with have felt about you or how you proved how you can be by the way you treated them. Not just that one cop I mentioned. Sorry babe... I’m just tying to figure everything out... cause you’re not a whore and all... xo

Also after Ryan stops talking to every girl I find out about. They automatically get in a relationship soon after cause he’s done leading them on and trying to stop them from moving on. He loves a challenge sometimes. But there was always something fishy with Brandi and him cause it’s very unlike him to unfriend a girl and she stays single. Also she blocked me. I didn’t even think she really ever thought about me enough to even care to block me?? Why even be bothered enough to do so in the first place? I didn’t do anything to her, one other girl had blocked me but for that reason I get. But ya...Ryan goes thru great lengths to hide me from girls. Also he asked me one time I was so fed up with his cheating I went on his fb and removed some girls. But for some reason his dumbass flat out asks me if I read any of him and brandis messages to each other! He was so worried about that. Nah, i didn’t forget that. And then... what do you know he’s all up on her revealing pics on Instagram when he says he could get rid of her like it’s nothing, that she doesn’t mean shit to him and has NOTHING to do with her anymore. Yet likes her picture after said ‘fact’ and has her followed on Instagram. And liking that pic around the time of out 3 year anniversary at that...I  can go on but maybe some other time. I think I’ve said more than enough for now. Oh and why does it make me so mad that he talks to other women?? Put two and two together. Want me to show you how much he has isolated me from almost EVERYONE not just guys. And gets fucking abusive over other people contacting me or w/e and how he’s always calling me a whore for it too. Ya that’s why. Go ahead and lie and say you’d totally be okay with that too that you’d be okay that he abuses you for doing the same exact shit he did. And Calls you a whore etc fucking etc. ya fuck all of you that stood by this asshole and that still stand by him. I’m sure you all can live with yourselves if you can still stand by someone like that. Oh I should also pursue the false report you made of me with the other cops report that go against that ever even happening with the whole stolen computer bs. I’m sure the cop would change it cause I’m sure he wouldn’t want to look bad for pushing aside evidence from other actual cops! Why didn’t I do that before? Honestly I don’t know now that I think of it... the false report you made... and all the people that went along with it..: hm??? but ya... do you really want to bring up stolen computers my love? Cause I can mention two times. Yes Ryan. Two computers. Think hard my love. I know it’s hard for your narcissistic ass to see your wrong doings so I’ll try to be some help. Or are you still going to insist on living in denial and calling me a whore etc...? And yes I know a lot of the shit you’ve given me is stolen from god knows where. That’s why I toss that shit shortly after. Dumbass. So don’t even try to frame me for that shit either. Ya you fucked with the wrong girl, you pos.

You're absolutely right lol why is it that the main female is always expected to grow and take responsibility for her emotions, even when she’s not at all in the wrong but when the guy is acting up it's cuz of his "man pain" and any bad behavior isn’t his fault and he’s immediately emphasized with. Because, oh, all of his wrong doings are the reflection of the world’s, not him. This “girls are flawed for having emotions and boys are not” trope is annoying and not at all a good message for girls

So, I’ve put off commenting on all of this for a few days because I wanted to see what other things came out of it and take time to stew over my opinions and give Thomas a chance to potentially explain himself further. Gonna include a bulk of this under the cut because I don’t know how long it will be. It’s just gonna be a mixture of me rambling about my thoughts and being a little salty. Not too much I don’t think, I dunno we’ll see when we get there. (spoiler I get kind of salty… and by kind of I mean a lot)

For anyone who doesn’t know what this refers to, a few days ago someone asked Thomas on Twitter what he considered to be Adrien and Marinette’s biggest flaws to which he replied that Marinette has “poor control of her emotions” and that “Adrien is perfect. But his flaw comes from the fact he’s not accustomed to the “ outside” world. His innocence makes him vulnerable. To sum it up: he’ s not flawed. The world is.”

This did not sit very well with fans who are already not too pleased with Thomas and his treatment of certain characters, for good reason. It does come off as misogynistic, and even if he is just trolling and not being serious, why does he want to troll in such a way that he comes off as misogynistic when he’s supposed to be writing a cartoon that empowers girls? Salt under the cut: (seriously, the Dead Sea ain’t got nothing on this salt)

For me, this didn’t surprise me too much because Thomas has always spouted shit and come off as extremely rude and belittling to fans even if they aren’t doing anything wrong or being aggressive, i.e. this fan who just asked him for his opinions, not even asking for spoilers, and who genuinely wanted to chat with him about his show. I could write novels about how un-progressive this show is and all of the unconscious misogyny that’s in it, which Thomas will deny wholeheartedly, and actually did in this same thread. I don’t know whether or not he genuinely doesn’t realize that his episodes are riddled with internalized misogyny or if he just doesn’t care? Because many times throughout both s1 and s2, male characters acting problematically have been glazed over, and not just in Adrien’s case, whereas females, typically Marinette, get a much harsher treatment when shown in similar circumstances. Females (Marinette) are often made out to apologize for other characters wrongs and their actions are blown way out of proportion when they do even the tiniest thing wrong.

Take Glaciator, for example: Ladybug tells Chat straight up that she probably won’t make it because she already has other plans. Chat still gets his hopes up and believes she will come which that in and of itself isn’t necessarily wrong, but when she doesn’t show up, which he knew she might and was even reminded by Plagg that she didn’t say yes, gets angry and throws a temper tantrum at her for not showing up when she told him from the beginning that she probably wouldn’t. And then SHE has to apologize to him sincerely and practically plead with him for forgiveness and in turn all she gets is a *shrug* Sorry. Maybe next time. What is the message you are hoping to convey with this, Thomas? “Women should be more decisive when giving men answers?” We aren’t fucking psychics. She didn’t know how her evening was going to play out and if she’d have time to show up. “She didn’t say no.” Yeah, but not saying no isn’t automatically a yes. That’s how most men get convicted of rape. Didn’t say no =/= yes. “I really wanted you to show up and when you didn’t that hurt my man feelings because you didn’t say no, so I got my little hopes up.” Cry me a river. Really couldn’t care less. Like real talk, if a man ever pulled that shit on me I’d block his ass to hell. If I explicitly state that I probably won’t make it, and then some asshole gets upset when I definitely do not just because I didn’t say no? Bitch, bye??? You are not entitled to my time, and if that’s the attitude you’re going to have then you are not worth my time. But ohhh Chat is such a sad, pouty cinnamon roll whose daddy doesn’t love him enough to eat dinner with him, boo-hoo.

Not to mention at the end when Ladybug tells him they can’t be together for very legit reasons like, um, the safety of everyone they care about, Adrien is just like *sigh* I’ll just keep hoping. Like bitch she rejected you. Move on. That exact mindset of “if I keep trying maybe she’ll eventually love me back” is exactly why women feel unsafe to walk the streets at night because men feel like if they keep pestering women that eventually they’ll see the error of their ways. Which just no. That’s obsessive as fuck and men often get really violent with women when they eventually don’t like them back. (not saying that Adrien would, he’d probably just throw another hissy fit and take off his ring) But this show is aimed at children, and that’s not a good message to teach boys who are not Adrien and won’t necessarily react the way Adrien did. If a girl rejects you, move the fuck on. She doesn’t owe you shit just because you like her, and your continued advances will likely only make her uncomfortable and less inclined to like you back. Reminds me of a post I’ve seen where someone’s teenage nephew talks about how a girl rejected him, and when the aunt asks him what he’s gonna do he says “keep trying” and she’s like bitch, no. Leave her alone, and it blows his fucking mind. Men are constantly reinforced on this “keep trying until she says yes” mindset, and it’s honestly why violence against women is so prevalent. Because manbabies never get told that women don’t owe them affection or sex or whatever the fuck they want. And you know when a good time to teach them how to respect a woman’s boundaries is? When they’re children.

“But I was talking about Adrien, not Chat Noir.” Yes. Thomas actually legit separates the two in this instance. I’m not making it up. Mr. Ship Wars are stupid because Adrien and Chat are the same person has separated the two as not the same person. It doesn’t matter if they’re “treated differently”. Chat’s flaws are Adrien’s flaws and vice versa. They’re both petty and jealous. (And, no, Adrien defense squad, I don’t hate him as a character or even think he’s a bad person. Recognizing character flaws isn’t the same as hating. Unclench) 

This isn’t a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation where the two halves function separately and have no recollection afterward. Taking off the mask doesn’t suddenly make all of those flaws disappear. It also doesn’t make sense based on his earlier reasoning that “Adrien doesn’t know how the world works” does that mean Chat fucking does? Shouldn’t Chat be excused from his wrongdoings by that logic because he also doesn’t know how the world works and is just as naive as Adrien? You can’t say one identity is perfect while the other is flawed. People don’t work that way. Characterization doesn’t work that way. A character is still inherently the same character regardless of whether or not they’re secretly a superhero. Superman is still Superman regardless of whether or not he’s got his fucking glasses on. Hell, a whole plot point in Antibug was that Marinette is a hero with or without her mask. Don’t pull this bullshit, Thomas. It’s not believable, and you haven’t supported it in canon. In fact, you’ve unsupported it in canon.

“Ladybug and Chat Noir are supposed to represent yin/yang.” Okay, yes, that’s a motif we’ve picked up on like since episode 1. Cool, but still doesn’t make up for shitty characterization. “I have a personal theory” okay, cool motive, but still shittily executed. Your personality doesn’t magically fucking change just because you’re in a new situation. Who you are as a person is constant. Your reaction might change as a result of the circumstances you find yourself in, but who you are does not just change because you put on a mask. Someone who knows fuck all about the world doesn’t suddenly learn how to function just because he gets superpowers. “People are constantly fluctuating” please, do the world a favor, and take a class in personality. That’s not even an insult. Like there are literally classes out there that teach about how personality works. I’ve taken them, so I know they exist. 

I’ve also mentioned before that I���m not a fan of Thomas’s whole “puzzle-piece” plot line because it doesn’t fucking make sense. Like I could be okay with it, if it made sense, but it doesn’t fucking make sense. It’s like he dumped 6 puzzles together and told the audience “here, figure it out” and like that’s exhausting. If I wanted to build a puzzle, I’d go build one (assuming my cat doesn’t absolutely destroy it). And if I as an adult have problems keeping up with your plot and character development (which is only present if you squint) what makes you think a child can keep up with it? My niece who just turned 9 calls your shit out for not adding up. Don’t say kids don’t notice or care. Cause if you give them good media to consume, they notice when something is bad. Seek to raise kid’s standards of what a good show looks like. Don’t use them as a crutch to be lazy. 

“Plot driven kids shows don’t do well.” Um, bitch wanna give some examples? Cause I can give some examples of many beloved childhood shows of mine that have a cohesive plot. ATLA, for example. Everyone fucking loves it. MLP is another one I enjoy which does still have “lesson of the day” set-up but at least those lessons come into play later?? Like I think it was s4 or s5 where they all got some friendship object that ended up being a key later in the finale. So all of those episodes then had a purpose outside of the token friendship lesson of the day. Didn’t particularly matter what order you saw those episodes in for the most part, but you could see a progression of the characters and plot the whole time. You knew things were important to the overall plot of the season, and the development of those characters actually sticks around for more than just that episode. Kids can handle shit. Look at the latest Incredibles movie. I never once had trouble keeping up as a kid when watching plot driven shows. Not once. Saying it’s a kids show is a cop out. It’s an excuse, and a bad one at that. And that’s not even to say that the other things I listed are perfect either. They have their problems, but they dull in comparison.

Thomas also tried to boast some shit about how they show guys and girls being akumatized and emotional equally, and I’m like we’re not talking about background people, Tommy. We’re talking about your leads and how unbalanced they are and how you hold one to a higher condemnation than the other. Because one has daddy issues and conveniently happens to coincidentally be a boy. But he gets a free pass because he’s sheltered. Yes, and who made him so sheltered, Tommy? Who made that executive decision? Who decided to give him all of these excuses for his behavior? Who in turn decided to make everything the girl does her fault even if she’s right? Who also calls himself “Hawkmoth,” (and has always used the nickname Hawkdaddy) a villain established to be a neglectful, emotionally abusive, and controlling father bent on something that isn’t entirely clear and willing to allow his son to be in danger multiple times to achieve that something, meanwhile two teenage girls are the worst things you could think of because they’re bratty and they lie, and anyone who sympathizes with them are just fooled by their good looks? Cool. #female empowerment, am I right? 

Honestly, I could dissect every single thing Thomas said throughout this discourse but truthfully it’s tiring, annoying, and frankly he contradicts himself way too much I could just write a book if I actually cared enough about him. At this point things that he says doesn’t really surprise me anymore because I’ve just accepted that he’s got loads of internalized misogyny, borderline narcissism, and just overall isn’t worth anyone’s time. Bitching at him is never going to change his mind because he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. It’s why I say that Adrien is his self-insert OC. He’s a perfect little golden boy who never does anything wrong, and if he does, it’s the world’s fault, not his. Sounds a lot like how Thomas approaches anyone who tells him what they understood from his writing because it’s fucking there whether he realizes it or not. 

(Tl;dr I guess) My advice to anyone who read this far is this: Ignore the fuck out of Thomas because he’s always gonna be a piece of shit who doesn’t care if you think he’s a piece of shit and actually seems to enjoy people thinking he’s a piece of shit. Lower your expectations for the writing of this show tremendously, basically only subscribe to it for cute interactions every once in a while, and you’ll enjoy it. If you are here for detailed plot or good character development, might I suggest rewatching ATLA? Basically, expect nothing from this show, and you’ll never be disappointed. It’s what I’ve started doing because this ^^^^ is what happens when you pick it apart. And there’s a lot that I left out for time’s sake and because I don’t want to look at this man’s Twitter anymore. I have a migraine.  

Day 2 - Anxiety

This is a vent post; you have been warned.

I’m turning off the filters because I’ve been holding a lot of this shit in.  And here is a comment born of anxiety:  NO ONE IS GOING TO FUCKING CARE ANYWAY.

Please don’t message me that you do care.  Please don’t.  I know you do.  LOGICALLY.  But logic and anxiety DO NOT MATCH, and if you don’t grok this, then you need to think long and hard about what that REALLY means to people with this fucking malady.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was hit by crushing anxiety because of an incidental interaction, that I can’t even remember the details of, just that it called into doubt NOT ONLY the individual interaction, but the cascading tree of causality of all branches of my own personal Yggdrasil.

I have anxiety, pure and simple.  I worry about everything.  I analyze and I double analyze and I triple analyze, and even when I set a course, I do so full of doubt.  I think that people who don’t have to deal with this sort of anxiety lack even the barest hint of understanding on how deeply this affects those who do.  This is not to say that they have not experienced or experience anxiety; those with the disorder just experience it at an exponentially enhanced factor.

This is Day 2 of my transition.  I felt great yesterday.  Almost euphoric.  And by the end of the day a little...weird.  I looked at the side effects of Spironolactone and Estradiol.  The former wasn’t of much worry, but one side effect of the latter burned itself into my eyeballs:  anxiety.  And like a hypochondriac, it may have been the very suggestion of this POSSIBLE mental shift that began the spiral.

I began to question.  Myself.  What I’m doing.  Who I am.  Lingering thoughts from work intruded.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I make a mistake?  Was my analysis of that DKIM question correct?  Was my reaction to a campaign vendor out of line?  Did I offend that random person in my last ticket update?  I could handle it, though.

And then someone in one of the various chats I’ve been in did something that I had been thinking about, and what’s more, they did some of the things I’ve already done.  And I think they did it better than I could, and they did it CASUALLY.  What took me tremendous amounts of mental effort seemed to be a casual thing for them, DESITE them claiming they were new to this.  What is wrong with my brain?  Why do these things become a herculean struggle for me, when others breeze through them?  Why can REVEILLE not be special?  Why am I so mediocre?  People must think I’m useless, worthless, a whiner.

What does anyone know me for, anyway?  The trumpet?  I suck at it.  I practiced my heart out at it, and still I was mediocre.  I couldn’t hack being in even a low-end, community symphony orchestra.  I can’t hit the high notes in the funk band I’m in the way the subs could.  The ESTABLISHED LEAD could not perform as well as the subs were sight-reading the parts.  What the fuck am I doing there?  I’m not a trumpet player, I’m a fucking hack.  And all of these synthesizer, this music shit.  I have such great ideas, and when I sit in front of these things, I stare.  Or I make something, and it feels mediocre.  It feels like I strayed from my original intent.

What else would anyone know me for?  Posting excessive amounts of pictures of VRChat on Twitter?  I can’t even get most of my fucking old friends to play the fucking game, so why would they fucking care about the “neat” things I do?  Neat things that other people have already posted about.  I’m retreading everyone else’s path.  I don’t know why I fucking bother.  Half the time in VRChat I’m horribly lonely anyway, and the great times that I KNOW happened are fully eclipsed by all the fucking times some asshole in that fucking rexie crowd stepped in front of me in a conversation as if I wasn’t fucking there. or the times in my protogen group that I said something that felt relevant, but turned out to be from an old fuckface that has nothing in common with these young, excited, optimistic kids.  that That’s ALL I REMEMBER.  I remember that I DIDN’T EXIST.

My art is awful.  I don’t practice enough, but how can you practice when everything you touch is shit?  I diddle, I dabble, and when I seek some sort of affirmation that someone appreciates my garbage, it’s always the same people.  It’s like drawing a stick figure and your mom putting it on the fridge.  At some point you realize she’s doing it BECAUSE YOU MADE IT, and that makes it special TO THEM.  It SHOULD be special to me, that I mean that to someone, but IT DOESN’T.

I surround myself with STUFF AND THINGS because each little item has a dream associated with it, each item, EVERY ITEM, has a story not just about what I’ve already done with it, but an even bigger story of WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT.  They will never happen.  Look at this 3D Printed Toothless.  “I will paint that someday” I say, but I won’t, because I would ruin it with my shoddy painting.  “Look at this dull knife?  I will learn how to sharpen this dull knife.”  But I don’t because I’ll just scratch it and make it worse.  Look at this Loopstation.  I’ve made some fun loops, but I’m going to get better at it, I’m going to practice.  But I won’t, because I KNOW that I can’t make it work the way it works in my head, in the story that I wrote for it.  Look at this fucking trumpet I bought that costs as much as a new car, 4 top end fursuits, or a year of mortgage payments for someone in a “reasonably” priced home.  The THINGS I COULD PLAY, but I FUCKING WON’T because I CAN’T.  Because I’m TERRIBLE.

I love to dance.  It makes me feel alive.  The music just moves me.  VR has been a blessing for this.  I can dance whenever I want, to whatever music I want.  And then someone shows up the other day and starts cutting loose.  They’ve never even been to a fucking club.  They watch YouTube videos.  They just started doing it.  Their energy is TREMENDOUS and overwhelming and I CAN’T COMPARE.  I realize that I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN when I dance.  I preach to people that it doesn’t matter, that everyone looks goofy, that it’s okay, but I’m FUCKING LYING because everyone is looking at me and judging me and thinking how embarrassing it is that I’m even in the same fucking ROOM with them.  WHY DO I EVEN TRY?

Do you have ANY IDEA how life is when EVERYTHING YOU DO is worthless in your eyes?  It’s not that I THINK it’s worthless, it’s that I KNOW it’s worthless.

You want to argue?  Fine.  Logically, you are correct.  There is a rebuttal for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these admissions, and a rebuttal for the hundreds of other issues.

My hair looks dumb.

I look stupid with painted fingernails.

I can’t drive very good, and people notice.

My musical taste is awful.

I’m doing a bad job raising this new kitten.

I did a horrible job raising Bean.

I did a horrible job raising Harley.

I’m terrible at physicality.

My cooking is mediocre and samey.

I’m fat and gross.

I’m ugly as shit.

I look stupid in a dress.

My makeup looks like a kindergartner with a sharpie.

I suck at all video games.

No one likes the books I read.

I like the MCU and that’s horrible.

I like Apple products and that’s horrible.

My taste in computer hardware is shit.

My taste in clothes is shit.

My taste in cars is shit.

My glasses look dumb.

I made a mistake the last time I got my eyes checked because I’m stupid.

Only morons have as many knives as I do.

My voice is awful.

My photography was a joke, and I was a fool to have ever thought anyone gave a rat’s ass about my photos.

People think I’m a useless stoner.

I drink too much and am a fucking drunk that no one wants to hang around with.

My various bands have me there because they don’t know how to tell me to hit the road.

My VRChat characters are unremarkable and beneath notice.

DO I NEED TO CONTINUE???

These are the random thoughts that went through my head in rapid fire in the past 5 minutes.  It took me longer to type them, at over 100wpm, than it did for them to fill my brain with their toxicity.

Do you have any idea what that’s like?  To have everything you’ve done, ever done, and will do be called into question ad infinitum?  To second-guess everything you say, everything you do, even every thought that goes in your head?  Now wrap your head around this part:

Every one of those thoughts goes through multiple iterations of “Is it real?  No it’s not real.  But what if it is?  What if you’re wrong?  It’s probably real.  Yeah, it’s real.  But is it real?  What if it is?  Maybe I’m wrong?  Yeah, I’m wrong, it’s real.  But what if you’re wrong about it being real?  Maybe it’s not real?  Yeah, it’s probably not real.  But you could be wrong about that, too.”

Every.

Fucking.

One.

*deep breath*

I started this post with the intent to write a little bit about the anxiety I’d been feeling.  Turns out, I was wrong about how much was in there.  I have anxiety dreams on a regular basis, more times than I admit, and likely even more than I can remember.  I was at a convention last night.  As usual, I missed every event.  As usual, I missed every friend.  As usual, I was late to every party.  As usual, there was an elevator.  Usually the elevator goes tot he wrong floor, or dumps me off either at the top of a maze of hotel rooms, outside a giant building with multiple staircases, or in the service tunnels beneath the building.

This time to elevator fell.

And it fell.

And it fell.

I legit thought this was it.  I was going to die in this dream.

The brakes snapped on, and I woke up.

I never got back to REM.  Tossed and turned for a few hours.  Tried my usual trick of counting backwards form 100.  I would lose count at about 94.  My brain just...disintegrated.  Over and over, it fragmented, then reformed back at my anxieties.  When I don’t sleep, I’m especially susceptible to anxiety and depression.

Case in point.

========================

I’ve been mulling over what I just wrote.  I felt all of that, in the moment.  It looks silly now, on paper, as it were.  But that’s just another aspect of the anxiety.  A coping mechanism, if you will.  “You’re just being silly”.  And as usual, I’m already getting brain-foggy over the things I said.  I forget about it again, because that’s what the brain does:  it suppresses trauma.

All I know is I was near tears when I wrote all of that stuff up there; I remember that much, very clearly.

That memory will fade too.

And anxiety says to me, to write “It will fade, just like everything about me.”

So I wrote it, and I pretend to myself that I don’t believe it.  That I don’t feel that I am all of those things I wrote about above.  That everything...is fine.

And, at least for a little bit, it will be.  Those scores of thoughts will reduce to, oh, maybe 10.  Not all will be toxic, but most will be a worry of some sort.  A question.  A question to myself, of myself, about myself.

Anxiety and Depression and ADHD and Mania and other “Mental Misfires” are not things that ever “go away”.  I may wake up, and the dream may fade, but the harsh reality is that, no matter what meds, no matter how much therapy, if you have this stuff, the dreams will come back.  The severity will come and go., but...

The dreams always come back.

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I’m out of steam.  The fire is cooled.  I’m done writing for now, and no one wants to hear anything else about this, anyway, least of all me.

Peace, y’all.