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lovesuki · 2 years

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Scar wishes that they didn’t have to deal with so many little tragedies.

He wishes, that they could live peacefully together and not have to deal with external, temporary affairs - but he just chalks the disappointments to segments of life that he and Grian have to go through.

Even though he deals with these failures regularly, he can’t be mad when he’s paired with someone who he trusts quite dearly. He tries to be careful to not put any extra stress on the avian - by voicing simple complaints in a softer tone, or by telling Grian where he’s exactly going - but every action, every step that he takes is a tried betterment for their combined health.

He enjoys the softer moments, when it is just him and Grian, alone together. There’s no interference from others, no interference from the outside world - just the two of them, together. It brings a sad, dull comfort to Scar, knowing that this comfort will be gone soon, but he can’t help but bask in it - like a cat does in the sun’s rays.

He wishes that he and Grian got to do more things together, to make up for the lost time they accumulated in the last few lives. He wishes that they could actually be soulmates, rather than two friends housing together for shared protection. He wishes that whenever Grian moved to touch his shoulder (or neck, when offering trades to others - something they’ve always done) he didn’t have to force himself to stay; when all he can see is Grian hunched over his chest, sobbing while switching between whispered and yelled “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry Scar.”

Scar can still feel the ghost of Grian’s hands closing on his neck - being ever careful to not wear anything that’s too constricting.

If Grian looks at him for too long after trying to make deals, he always brushes it off and distracts Grian with a simple, stupid plan. It works every time, with Scar finding joy in Grian’s lopsided smirk as he calls Scar an idiot.

Scar just wishes that these worlds aren’t as cruel the next time that they’re thrown into one of these games. Wishes that there can be a happy ending for them both. Begs that they can be paired together again, so at the very least he could fix something, other than using stupid distractions for bigger issues. Wishes that he could actually talk to Grian, instead of Grian always brushing off his concerns for the other.

It’s fine, though. It just adds to the list of what he deals with for the sake of being together. He wishes that it will benefit him in the end, though, when they’re together and they both do not have to deal with hardships - relaxing, and enjoying each other's company.

Whenever Grian’s not around - something that happens too often, now - he sometimes takes damage to remind himself that he is alive, and that Grian’s out there as well. He wants to know how he is, what he’s doing and how he’s faring; but ultimately doesn’t want to seem too overbearing, like he does in his mind. He hopes that one day these doubts will disappear, and that he gets to bother Grian as much as he wants without concern.

He wants to be free. Free from small, liminal ties - free from promises. He wants to live selfishly, but instead is forced to have wants and wishes for others that are not himself. It’s boring, and repetitive, but he’ll make do with what he has. When he allows his mind to drift, he thinks of when he was selfish - mind flickering to sand, and always to sand - and wishes that he could do that again, but with people. He wants to be selfish and keep Grian here, but he knows that he can’t force him here forever. He would be a terrible soulmate if he did that - and he doesn’t want them to owe each other, like they have in past lives.

Scar felt absolutely terrible when Grian was forcing out apologies to him, after he mistakenly took his first life when they were new to these games. He still feels terrible whenever he looks into the others eyes’, always noting the sad sense of guilt - always wanting to repair it, but never knowing how. He wants to have a restart. He wants to fix past mistakes, and make new memories, but he doesn’t want to change what he has now.

He’s content with what he has, so he doesn’t know why he wants to change it so badly. He feels like a cursed god, trying to change their people but realizing that he just can’t force others to live an unfit life to suit his needs.

It’s funny, to Scar, that even if Grian doesn’t seem to want him for these few weeks - they always know each other the best. When this fact appears in Scar’s mind, always showing up after a while of trying to forget, it transforms into a physical pain that he can’t quite place. Anytime that he sees Grian with somebody else, it makes his chest feel a little more hollow, but it’s fine! Scar can always make friends with others, like how Grian’s doing, right?

He makes his smile a tiny bit bigger the next time he sees Grian. He feigns ignorance when Grian asks why he’s smiling weirdly, coming up with an automatic response of “I’ve always smiled like that, Grian.” - he’s sweating more than normal, while Grian just stares at him then lets him off with an easy, kind smile that’s paired with a soft “Yeah, I guess you have.”

It’s a sad notion that Scar knows everyone else on the server doesn’t trust him. He wants to chalk this up to betraying them, but it isn’t his fault that they lured themselves into what he had been selling originally in the first world. It’s always someone else, and never him that is the issue. There’s a sick sense of comfort in being alone, but he will trudge on with the burden he’s made himself.

He made his own bed, and he’ll lie in it until he rots.

At night, he sometimes wishes that he wasn’t so accident prone so he can do more for his soulmate. He wants to do more, wants to pull off more accomplishments, but whenever he asks he just gets turned down like a dog - so there’s little to no point in asking, anymore. With these ‘rules’, he’s more cautious; so he guesses that it fixes something in him.

He finds himself plastering notes for Grian to find around their base, along with making little sculptures of them (and the jellie army they’ve amassed) - being oh so excited to show Grian when he gets home. He’s extremely proud of himself for sourcing the materials, instead of stealing them from other bases, and when he tells Grian this at night (the many torches around them illuminating their kitchen) he gives Scar his signature grin, matched with a softer look on his face. It catches Scar off-guard, but he is brought back by the smaller ruffling his hair and telling him he did well.

Scar wouldn’t trade the world for what he has at this moment. He really is content here. In the days that pass, he looks into the water that’s near their house - wanting to find some comfort before he heads back home with varying items (ranging from things to make cookies, to sand, and then to materials that Grian can use to protect them), being ever so careful to not crush the flowers he picked in the forest for the two of them).

He wished that he didn’t have to wait hours to see Grian again. He desperately wished that he wasn’t so secretive, hiding what seemed to be everything from Scar. They’re bound together - they should have a basic level of trust for the other, instead of keeping secrets. He wishes that they could return to simpler times (he gets pulled back to when Grian was begging that he didn’t have to do this, when they stood across from each other - dueling for one last time).

He wishes hard, he prays so hard to gods that he doesn’t even know exist; but he can only conjure broken whispers in his mind - indistinguishable from the ones that he can hear Grian talking about when he thinks that Scar is asleep.

Grian acts shifty more times than not, but Scar doesn’t question it as he knows the other is doing it for them both. He doesn’t question the language that he cannot read, showing up on empty papers around the house; always asking Grian about it - who comes back with a near-perfect translation of the word - looking dumbfounded that Scar can’t read it, acting like it’s written in clear english. He doesn’t question, but desperately wishes he could press harder without betraying the other’s trust.

He’s alone, but it’s nice at the start. He gets to surprise Grian with gifts alongside other things, somewhat small but still appreciated. He’s proud when Grian congratulates him, or thanks him for doing these things.

These small praises make everything else worse when Scar realizes the full reality of his situation - he is stuck, where he adores his soulmate while the one that he fully trusts doesn’t even care enough to come home.

It hurts. And it hurts, and hurts, and hurts and all Scar wants to do is scream. He wants to cry, and say that this isn’t what he is meant for, that he’s meant for more; and to-do more than laze around a specified area, and the universe tells him to be quiet. The same voice, broken and distorted - tells him that he will be fine, and that everything will be fixed soon. It feels like a sorry trap, so he acquiesced in the decision that the gods made for him.

Every time he breaks down - every single time - Grian automatically finds him, taking time out of what he was doing to comfort the other; holding his face in his hands, running his fingers through his hair - alongside whispering, to tell him that he’s alright. It was nice at the start, but now feels unsettling as Grian is gone for longer amounts of time as they get lower on health.

More breakdowns happen, but this time Grian doesn’t come running. The anger burns under his skin, but cools to a thin ice as he waits longer for the other to come home. Scar decides to make a fire, something to keep busy, something to do and writes down memories and burns them.

He writes down wishes, and lets them burn in the flame. It shifts to multiple hues of yellow, green, and red - each from the different pen ink he used.

He wished that his soulmate wouldn’t leave him in the dust. He wished that his soulmate - the one that he was supposed to cherish, and keep warm - didn’t lead him astray. He just wants Grian to be happy with him, instead of running off in the middle of the night, under empty lies that he isn’t doing anything wrong to Grian.

It hurts.

It hurts, so bad, and he didn’t want to deal with being dismissed anymore. He feels like a pet, feeling like something that’s used for decoration. He wanted to be something that’s cherished, something that can be shown off - not to only be something that’s shunned.

He adores Grian, though - so he’ll stay. He wants to make things better, and they could be in the future. He thinks back to times when he thought that he shouldn’t be selfish - that he shouldn’t be so greedy.

He thinks that he deserves to be greedy after being continuously fucked over by others and their actions. When is this - his life, his pride - going to turn out better for him? When would he get a happy ending with the one person - his heart is only ever set on Grian - he adores?

He sobs when he fully realizes that Grian doesn’t want him. He doesn’t want him in this life, or the last - but he’ll always be in his; in this life, and the next. It’s bittersweet.

He is Grian’s soulmate, but that doesn’t mean he is Grian’s. The pain he feels from this is unimaginable, spreading across his core - enveloping his mind, and body, just for it to dissipate into nothing.

He’s absolutely broken as he’s pleading for Grian to look at him, to just hear him out for once - and the second Grian does he tells Scar that he wouldn’t be back for a few days. His mind goes quiet, and he doesn’t realize that Grian left when he snaps back into reality. He’s still sobbing into the night, but wakes up next to Grian holding him tighter than before and whispering softer, genuine “I’m sorry scar. I am so, so sorry.” into his ear.

He kicks the embers of the fire, purposefully engulfing his hand in the hot flame to make sure that Grian feels his hurt - and that he will still feel it, for days to come.

He’s alone, and he assumes that he will always be until he’s dead in this world - until the cycle repeats. Even after days pass, he still believes that he is alone. He’s cold, nearly freezing in the temperatures of this biome while trying to walk back to their home. He just wants to be near the avian, being wrapped around him as a source of heat. He wishes that he could be in his presence, when he doesn’t even know where he could be. He just longs for some sense of comfort - and his near-unavoidable death grants him this.

It’s cliche that Grian kills them both; it’s cliche that he has the flowers he gave Grian in his inventory, making sure that the other had some in case they forgot. He hopes that Grian dies - with the flowers close, but not so quiet and alone like he does. He wishes this, at the very least for his soulmate.

He hopes that he leaves a reminder for the other, something to be of importance, as they disappear from this world and meet each other in the next.

He wants to see him again, but doesn’t think that will happen. He goes out with a hysterical laugh, before leaving the world. It’s a bitter, stupid end - but he cannot change fate; even though he tried desperately to.

It is a shock to Scar that he wakes up with the sun shining on his face. The territory surrounding him seems familiar, but he can’t quite place where he is when everything in his vision seems mashed together from his memories - in the past, and possibly in the future. He feels like he’s in the countryside, with vast land covered by variations of sand and grass enclosed by fencing. There’s a house, as well - if he squints hard enough he can see flowers, and little trinkets that seem to be different pandas on the windowsill. He hopes - wishes - that this is some sort of good afterlife, if it even exists.

The sun is all too hot, even with his hat that’s trying to block out the shade. He can see tall strips of bamboo in the distance, with the faint smell of cookies in the air. It’s strangely domestic as he walks around, finding more things to be surprised at. He finds feathers along a makeshift path, brimming with vibrant reds, blues, and yellows - being an awful reminder of Grian. He shoves the feather in his pocket before continuing walking closer to the home, seeing a campfire next to some dogs and jellie colored cats.

The happy scenery is bitter in his mouth, nearly cussing at the gods again for giving him something that he doesn’t quite want - before he nearly topples over with the force of someone slamming into his back.

After a few minutes, the stranger lets go. Scar is tense, not expecting the suddenness of the hug - but basking in it anyways. As he turns around, he gets tackled by the smaller person in front of him. The fall to the floor hurts; he’s certain that he slammed his back on sandstone, but doesn’t mind it when he realizes who is in front of him.

“... Hey, Grian.” There’s a sad ring to his voice, falling short on what to say in this - other than take his hands and ground hard into Grian’s back like he’s doing to his.

Scar pulls him up, to where they can both be level with each-other before holding on tighter than before. He thinks that Grian is speaking, trying to listen to the other talk when they haven’t said anything to the other in what feels to be forever.

“...I’m sorry, Scar.”

“It’s fine, G-”

“No. No, it isn’t. Please don’t excuse my stupidity because we’re now together, again. I am so, so fucking sorry Scar.” Scar tries to pull Grian up, having to force him to see his face because he will not let go of Scar. Grian looks disheveled, looking so, so heartbroken - and it makes Scar want to forgive him over and over, again.

Scar holds Grian’s face, and pushes the back of his head into his chest. He’s trying to be comforting, to at least be kind to his soulmate before he speaks again. It’s a few minutes between Scar’s sparsely spoken “it’s okay, G.” and “You’re fine, Grian.” - but Grian recollects himself before speaking again.

“I was actually an idiot, and i know that you probably won’t accept me back - to be friends, your soulmate, or to have a decent relationship - but I absolutely fucked up, and will not be near you if you do not want me too. I- I really want for us to go back to being whatever you want us to be, Scar. It’s on your terms - not mine. It was selfish of me to do that to you, and if you want to kick me out and live here yourself then I won’t hold any grudge against you.”

When Grian’s finished, he looks absolutely devastated, tense and waiting for Scar’s response. Scar just laughs while holding him tighter than before. After a few seconds, Scar looks back into Grian’s eyes. They’re the same hazel that they were before the games started, reminding Scar of a toffee (or even a honeycomb) color. There’s so many things that Scar wants them to be - friends, soulmates, just allowing the barest hint of trust between the other - but all of his worries melt away when he realizes that Grian wants him this time around.

“You idiot, of course I'll allow you back.” The words do not seem to register for Grian, taking a few moments to process that his best friend doesn’t fully hate him and dives back into the hug once more. “But, please don’t ever do that again, okay? You were really worrying me - and I don’t quite want to go through that again, G.”

Grian can’t form an actual reply, just in turn crying and nodding his head yes, while pushing his head back into Scar’s chest. Scar laughs again, this time more contained (and a little softer) than before - and lifts them both up. They stay next to each-other, for a while, before they talk about what they both had missed in each-other’s lives, alongside mistakes that the other made.

Scar stands, and explains after Grian confusedly stares at him, that they could go make cookies and relax before trying to explain what they had gone through in all of the worlds. Grian hastily agrees, before dragging Scar to the kitchen to show him the little things he’s made while waiting for Scar. His wings cover the background where he isn’t supposed to look, and then reveals them with a soft woosh from the fast movement.

Scar spots the figurines that he made, along with more pandas than before. The ones he made seem perfect, near flawless while the others seem to be disproportionate. He wants to comment on it, before Grian expresses that he had tried to copy the original panda’s because he “couldn’t believe how inaccurate you were to detail, Scar.”

This time, Scar laughs and ruffles Grian’s hair - telling him that he did a good job. He chuckles when Grian sputters, hitting Scar with his wing, and goes off to find the cookie dough that had been chilling in the fridge for what had seemed like a while.

They make the cookies after Grian finds the dough (Scar nearly takes an ice cube from the freezer and shoves it down Grian’s back, before the avian retaliates and dumps the whole tray down Scar’s back - making him yelp from the sudden cold-ness), shaping them to be little pandas (they were both extremely devastated when they all morphed together), trying to decorate them and then taking photos of the other with their respective jellies.

They hang the pictures on the fridge when it gets darker, before talking more around the campfire and making smores’. If Grian falls asleep, Scar will not openly note it, and just take a softer, warmer blanket from inside the house (wrapping Grian in the blanket and then picking him up - so that he wouldn’t fall and hurt himself), before carrying him upstairs to be tucked in bed.

Before Scar sleeps for the night, he goes downstairs and takes the feather he shoved in his pocket, looking at it before taping it to the fridge alongside the photos they took. He rushes upstairs, bringing a cookie with him, and placing it on Grian’s desk (in a bag with little decorations to make it look like a jellie) with a note, before hopping into bed and finally trying to sleep after these few exhausting weeks.

If he leans a little closer to Grian, he doesn’t acknowledge it as he basks in the comfort of one of Grian’s wings being draped over him, before falling into a nicer sleep than he’s had in weeks.

He’s happy, extremely so with his soulmate next to him, and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

#desert duo #desertduo #scar #goodtimeswithscar #grian #grian minecraft #scar minecraft #double life grian #double life soulmates #double life gtws #double life smp #trafficblr #fanfic #no romantic relationships

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