#do you think the actually queer pop stars are texting about this. i would be
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the other tinhats have been totally shown up by the gaylors making it to the new york times. proud that it was a lesbian conspiracy theory that finally went the distance. feminism in action.
#do you think the actually queer pop stars are texting about this. i would be#this is why taylor swift's heterosexual manifesto is in my house#she didn't have to put in on an album and bait my gf into buying it she could simply have mailed it to the nut#nyt but i will not be editing this post
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Listen my dude I took my adhd meds twice by accident today and I have a Taylor swift thought vomit so now that’s your problem. Sorry.
I’m not really a gaylor but I’m sort of in the “yeah sure maybe I guess some facets of this make sense” zone with that entire thing. I think it’s annoying how much of a thing it is? But I ended up on gaylor tiktok because I am a lesbian that listens to Taylor swift, and also anthropologically it’s kind of fascinating. And I keep seeing people talk about how like, people shouldn’t have to come out as queer the way people shouldn’t have to come out as straight, and she doesn’t talk about her relationships publicly in general with regards to songs. Which is true! But it feels like a really weird 2012 lgbt talking point to weaponize in favor of wanting Taylor swift to be gay, right?
And like lyrically I’d say there’s a lot of like “hairpin drop” type stuff, but she’s also exactly the kind of way-too-into-English-class type of girl to go buck wild with the emily dickinson and stuff for regular old trying to seem smart reasons, you know? And it’s not like it’s ever undeniable. And also maybe we don’t need to be acting like the lyrics of a (very talented and smart) pop star should get the same kind of treatment as religious texts? I was raised evangelical and the kind of reaches between what Bible verses say and what we were taught they actually meant are not wholly a different vibe from some of the gaylor stuff, or even the way people try to decipher what happened in any of her straight relationships from them.
But I keep seeing this overall tone of like, “the gays know Taylor swift is gay but she hasn’t told the straights yet.” Which would be so funny if it was true! But the subtext is so often that she couldn’t come out, and I think we’ve seen through the whole re-recording thing and starting her own label that she is pretty aware she’s powerful and famous enough to do whatever she wants. And I’m sure there’d be some backlash, but for the most part average people are less weird about it than they used to be, at least in the US. I will say that the constant speculation that she’s dating literally anyone she stands next to would be incredibly worse if she came out as bi or whatever, but she’s still already used to that. And maybe she just doesn’t want to, I don’t know?
But it’s weird compared to the complaining I used to see about harry styles sort of aiming for androgyny while not actually doing much useful or helpful, and other actual queer artists were being way cooler. And he was arguably living as Schrödinger’s non-binary bisexual to appeal to queer fans or whatever. Also I don’t care about his music so I have no idea what happened with that, sorry if he like turned out gay or something idk.
But is Taylor swift not also doing that? I think queerbaiting is a weird word to use about a real human person whose personal life is intensely monitored like this, but she has to know at least some of her arguably gay hints looked like gay hints. Especially in the context of how she does Easter eggs for her albums and stuff. Like I straight up do not care whether Taylor swift is gay or not, it’s just that now I’m annoyed she’s out here hinting enough for some people but not enough for actual consequences, you know? It’s weird! I don’t know whether I’d say she makes money off of the non-queerbaiting weirdness, but if not it’s such a weird vibe! Why! Also she has a whole team of people managing her social media presence and a ton of people see all her songs on the way through. All of them are just…good with the hinting?
In conclusion, this entire thing really really annoys me. I’m annoyed at Taylor swift herself, for either being straight but living in plausible deniability land for fun and profit and staying in the papers, or for hinting everywhere but not coming out if she isn’t straight. Maybe that isn’t fair! But if I were in her position I would feel like I had a duty to come out by this point, you know? That would be kind of undeniably huge for worldwide acceptance. And then obviously I’m annoyed by the people that search for all these clues and act like they all are undeniable proof when someone is clearly fucking with them on purpose some of the time.
And also like! In general, please can we just enjoy her music without picking apart every hidden meaning we can make up? It actually kind of reminds me of Oscar wilde’s trial when they tried to prove he was doing gay shit with his writings or whatever. But also despite popular opinions on here, he irritated the shit out of me too.
This entire thing is just so annoying! Who has this much time on their hands!
That preface killed me thank you for the warning lol.
You talked about a lot of stuff that I either agree with or don’t really have anything to add, but I will say I don’t think Taylor is consciously hinting queer things and her songs and just riding the line and ‘queerbaiting’. She seems generally like a pretty ignorant person and I doubt she’s sitting at home measuring what’s a good hint towards queer people while also being inconspicuous enough for others or to realize it.
It’s also no one’s ‘duty’ to come out to others, no matter what condition they’re in. That’s a personal thing that is only up to the individual and no one else.
Overall this is why reading into Taylor’s songs and thinking it’s some kind of bible (great comparison btw) that only can apply to her life and only viewing Taylor’s music in the context of her is wildly dangerous and damaging to her art. It causes speculation and wild conspiracy theories, when in reality it should just mean something to the listener and their personal experience.
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Hello! I just wanted to say that I’ve really admired your blog (and the greater atla community on tumblr), esp in the explicit commitment to being anti-racist and feminist, and conscious of the intersections of other identities, in your analysis of the show.
avatar, the culture and philosophies of the shows’ fictional universe felt very comforting for me as young south asian girl (raised Hindu/Buddhist) in a predominantly white town. And LoK, felt v validating in my identity as a bi woc. Through tumblr, and the atla and lok renaissance esp, i’ve seen how it’s helped so many other people feel something similar (even if for different reasons).
With the announcement of the new avatar studios, i was wondering how you felt about the universe being expanded on an artistic and corporate scale? I’m sorry if this isn’t the place to share, but I found myself getting sort of nervous that in the ways other big fictional universe studios get marketed (Marvel, Star Wars), the cultures, beliefs and identities the show is premised upon might become... commodified, whitewashed or appropriated for mass appeal? Like the way new age spirituality adopts pieces from bipoc/poc practices and markets it. I hope I’m making sense.. lol n e ways
I know there’s been discourse about the show and appropriation before, and I can only speak for myself, who found that the show incorporates a lot of different ideas and elements from other cultures without necessarily diluting them. I was just curious if you or others had any similar anxieties or thoughts about this expansion? Or anything similar, surrounding this news?
Also to clarify, I’m also very excited and looking forward to it! I don’t feel entirely one way about it. I know the creators have walked away from projects they didn’t like before, so I have faith in the world they’ve created. I’m also just ~skeptical~ of capitalism’s role in media and how noninclusive the industry itself can be (Bc I study it, but it honestly just makes me overthink my favorite childhood show lmao). Sorry Ik this was super long-winded, so no pressure to reply obvi. thanks again for your blog and creating this great community! 🌙
thank you for this message! (even if it was initially blacklisted in my inbox for containing the words “marvel” and “star wars”) i appreciate your reaching out on this matter, because it’s something i think about a lot.
i’ve never been the type of person who enjoys franchises, or even sequels. i was apprehensive about legend of korra, and frankly, pretty much all of my doubts were confirmed throughout the show, while also creating new flaws in the storytelling i couldn’t have even predicted (did someone say giant robot??? or wait, no, no one said that??? oh...) like. lets not kid ourselves. that show was a hot mess. (that said, i also completely feel you on the impact that show has on queer / disabled women of color and i am extremely grateful for lok in many ways, and while i often critique its writing, that is only because it means so much to me on a personal level. anyway!)
so yes, of course i have apprehensions about more expansions upon the avatar universe. on one hand, the kyoshi novels were really good! on the other hand.... gestures vaguely to the comics. i think you’re right to bring up the corporatization of avatar, but honestly, it’s already a franchise, and has been a pop cultural media staple in the zeitgeist since the bush administration. any successful piece of media is going to be given the same treatment under capitalism; that’s just one of many unfortunate byproducts of this system. just because a show is actually good doesn’t mean it’s immune to commercialization.
(although when the fanbase does inevitably expand, and new material is fed to us in great doses, i may have to retire this bloggue. just bc like. the netflix revival was awful enough i can’t imagine having to deal with a fanbase reacting to actually new content. 🚬😑fuck me haha)
anyway, like i said recently, i think it would be an extremely missed opportunity if bryke does not put their money where their mouth is with these new creative projects and actually hire writers who know (preferably firsthand) the impact of colonialism, imperialism, genocide, and also are truly knowledgable about the spiritual & cultural references within the worldbuilding. to be clear, i think atla handles these topics well for the most part, but the comics and lok are explicit proof of where white american writers can fall flat when confronting these issues. so hopefully they use this as an opportunity to rectify their mistakes, instead of repeating past disasters. and if they do fail, at least we still have atla as a self-contained text; at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
#lol hire me bryke 👀#and thank u again!#i really did not intend to create a community lmao#makes me feel like a cult leader#but ya xoxo#asks#lunaz21
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Discredit Pt. 2: More Recommended Reviews For A.Z. Fell’s
Alright, folks. Some notes first:
1. You all rock. I’m sending out 20k+ virtual hugs for all the notes I NEVER expected to get on this nonsense.
2. This is probably the final section, just because I’m not sure I can adequately follow up part one and it might be foolish to attempt it here. Let alone twice. But for now, here we go.
3. Kudos to the anon who reminded me of Aziraphale’s cash-only policy <3
4. Nicole Y’s review is based off an actual comment I read years ago, but heaven only knows where online it was. I’ve got the memory of a goldfish.
5. Trigger warning for the use of a queer slur in this. It’s the same review as above, number 5 if you want to avoid it.
6. There’s a text-only version of just the reviews at the end, after all the images. I’ll upload that to my Sparse Clutter collection on AO3 in a bit.
Bonus 7. People thinking this is a real shop deserve all the good things in this world.
That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoy! 👍
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I’m a simple guy who likes simple jokes. If there’s a whoopee cushion I plant it. I will call you up to ask if your refrigerator is running and then tell you to go catch it. (Actually that one died out so thoroughly it’s actually capable of a comeback now!). Yes, I’m a dad and yes, I have a t-shirt that says Dad Jokes? I Think You Mean Rad Jokes! which I wear un-ironically every Saturday. All of which is just to say that my wife was well prepared for my stupidity when I walked into Fell’s.
I? I was not.
You see the bibles when you walk in? The ones to the left? Let them be. Don’t even look at them. Definitely don’t pick out the fanciest one you can find and absolutely don’t walk up to the owner with it held in your pudgy little fingers, grinning like a loon, cheerfully asking whether this should be in the fiction section. Just don’t. Mark my words you’ll regret it. Though your wife won’t. She’ll get a great old laugh out of it all.
In conclusion: it’s quite possible that mama did raise a fool and he just got his ass verbally whooped by a guy in a bowtie.
***
Shout-out to Mr. Fell for being the only decent bloke in this city. I’ve popped in and out of his store for years—including before I started transitioning. So he knew my dead name, dead look, whole shebang and I was definitely nervous to play the ‘You know me, but this is what’s changed and are you gonna throw a fit about it?’ game.
You know what he said? “Oh, Rose! What a lovely choice. Crowley dear, why aren’t you growing any roses? Some white ones would look splendid next to my Henredon chair.”
That’s it. He just went straight into dragging his partner for not giving him roses. So hey, Mom? Next time you’re snooping through my social media why don’t you explain to all these nice people why the 50+yo book seller accepts me in ways you won’t. Don’t go telling me age is an excuse or that you’re ‘Stuck in your ways.’ I’ve watched Fell dress in the same damn clothes since I was ten!!
Yeah. Sorry. Rant over. Fell’s a gem. That’s my take. Rose out.
***
Anyone else in the shop when that guy started yelling about buying pornography? And then got escorted into the back room for some ‘private conversation’? Well done, Mr. Fell! Didn’t know you had it in you.
***
Alright alright alright alright I am TOTALLY calm about this.
Went into A.Z. Fell’s last Thursday. Not because I knew anything about the place. Just because I’ve been hitting up every bookshop within a twenty-mile radius, asking if they’re hosting any book signings. Long story short I self-published my novel Blight last month—which you can get for a mere £5 here but I swear this isn’t a promotional thing I’m just BROKE—and have been looking for networking opportunities, tips, stuff like that. So the owner listened politely as I explained all this. Then said he didn’t do anything of that sort, which didn’t surprise me given the shop’s vibe.
But then? Then??? He offered to let me do a signing there??????
As said. Totally calm about this. This man either plans to kidnap me or is actually giving me my first shot at an audience outside my blog. AKA totally worth the risk.
Tuesday the 9th. 7:00pm. Just in case anyone’s interested ;)
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holy sweet baby jesus i was tripping balls last week you tryin’ to tell me that kING KONG SIZED FANGED FUCK SNAKE IS REAL
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Witnessed the most perfect exchange the other day:
Grumpy Dude With No Manners: “You. Boy. Where’s the man I spoke with over the phone?”
Mr. Fell’s Partner Who Knows Damn Well Only Two of Them Work There But Clearly Doesn’t Like This Guy’s Tone: “Did this man give you his name?”
Grumpy Dude: “Might have. Don’t remember. Sounded like a fairy though.”
Me: “....”
My girlfriend: “....”
This Poor Sweet Startled Kid On Our Left: “?!?!?!?”
Fell’s Partner In The Drollest Voice I’ve Ever Heard: “None of us have wings. Out!”
***
This shop gets full stars simply because every time I walk in they’re playing Queen.
I mean, I’ve walked in once, but once is enough when you’ve got Crazy Little Thing Called Love blasting full volume.
***
Okay, I’m still kind of shaken up but I needed to write this out somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any.
I spilled my latte on a book. Just tripped on thin air, popped the lid, and chucked a venti’s worth of coffee all over a very expensive looking text. I didn’t mean to, obviously, but it happened and I just started bawling on the spot. Full on sobs because this semester has been absolute hell, I ruined this guy’s antique, there’s no way I can pay for it, I can’t even sneak away because I’m drawing the whole store’s attention...just all the things all at once. I really was straight up panicking and was seconds away from pulling out my inhaler. I couldn’t breathe.
And then Mr. Fell showed up.
Jesus it’s embarrassing to admit but I think I hit him once or twice. On the arms I mean, because he was trying to touch me and I figured, I don’t know, it was a restraint or something. He was going to call the police and hold me until they got there. But then he managed to start rubbing my back and I lost it like I hadn’t already been bawling my eyes out in this shop. Ever cry into a perfect stranger’s chest? I have! But if Mr. Fell seemed to mind he definitely didn’t show it. Just kept holding me while I probably ruined his shirt and then took me into the back and made me a new coffee in this cute little angel mug. He let me stay there while I called my sister and waited for her to arrive.
She’s a good twenty minutes outside of Soho, so we talked for a while. It’s not like Mr. Fell could fix my shit roommate or bio classes, but I guess just talking about it all really helped. I was a lot calmer by the time my sis arrived and Mr. Fell insisted I come back any time I wanted—for browsing or more coffee.
Of course, sis offered to pay for the book herself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so surprised in my life. “Certainly not!” he said. “Contrary to popular belief, no one should pay for their mistakes. It’s what makes you all so wonderfully human.”
So yeah. Thanks, Mr. Fell.
***
This little shop must have started a book club for kids! Lately I’ve seen the same group of children hanging out at Fell’s. Three boys and a girl. They’re a bit rambunctious at times, but who isn’t at that age? So wonderful seeing literature passed down to the next generation. Even if some of it is rather questionable looking...
***
It’s an honest crime that more of you aren’t talking about what a wonderful bookstore this is.
I’m a book lover at heart and Fell’s always makes me feel like I’m coming home. I just arrived somewhere safe and familiar after a particularly harrowing day. I’ve slipped under the covers of my bed after dinner and a bubble bath. It’s something like that, but with an element of surprise too. One of the reasons why I adore private and used shops over chain stores is that little touch of chaos. You walk in and sure, there are general sections to browse, but everything is just a little bit disorganized from people leafing through books and then putting them back somewhere else. There’s no real record keeping, you’ve just gotta head to one particular corner and hope for the best. It’s not the sort of place you go to if you want something specific because the chances of them having it are slim—that’s just how the universe works—and even if they did no employee knows where it is anymore.
But if you wander the shelves for a while, crouch down low to get a look at everything on the bottom shelf, pay attention to the books that don’t have easy to read titles or any summaries to speak of... you just might find something you didn’t know you were looking for. That’s Fell’s: the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the unknown.
***
A lot of people might assume that these stories are embellished or outright made up, but as a bookseller myself going on twenty years I believe every single one of them.
That being said, I accidentally moved a rug and found chalk sigils that look like they belong in a cult. Make of that what you will.
***
There’s a special place in hell for 21st century shop owners that only take cash. Who carries cash anymore? Not me! I haven’t bothered with that nonsense in years! You can get a card reader for 15 pounds on Amazon. Or you know what? Be stingy and pay 7 for the little attachment on your phone. This place is nuts if it thinks it’s going to survive much longer on a cash-only policy, especially with some books that look like they’re worth hundreds or thousands of pounds! Yeah, yeah, just let me pull out this giant wad of bills for you. I’ll carry them around a crime-laden city because there’s no ATM near you either.
I mean jesus, you’d think this guy didn’t want to sell anything.
***
I walked in. There was a man screaming at a fern while another threatened him with an umbrella. I walked out.
5 stars do recommend.
***
I once walked in on the same (?) guy yelling at a book for daring to fall on the owner’s head. I think that’s just a Thing over there.
***
Like a lot of people here I didn’t actually go to Fell’s for any books (flat tire, Angel Recovery taking forever) and ended up staying three hours (not because of Angel). No, I wandered towards the back and found this ancient CRT set propped on a table of books, the kind that my Dad used to watch Twilight Zone on. This lanky guy had a marathon of Gilmore Girls going... though how he was managing that with a broken antenna and no DVR, I really don’t know. But yeah. He told me to pull up a chair and I did. Guy gave me popcorn.
I wish I’d paid a little more attention to his name. Charlie? Curley? I really can’t remember, but thanks for the enjoyable afternoon, man.
***
I BOUGHT A BOOK HERE
Not sure how though. Just kinda happened. First edition of Just William. Frankly I didn’t even want the thing, but the owner basically shoved me out the door with it when I took two seconds to look at the spine. Odd that he was so willing to part with this one.
Update: ... hold up. I didn’t buy a book because I never actually paid the guy. ‘Basically shoved me out the door’ was literal. Do I go back??
***
This page has really gone feral the last couple of months so I’m just gonna bite the bullet and say it:
Anyone notice that Fell’s snake and Fell’s partner are never in the same room together?
***
I really don’t like the implications of this…
***
This is precisely why the Internet has turned into a cesspool. You all should be ashamed of some of the stuff you’re writing here. Can’t two men just be friends anymore? Two real life men? These guys aren’t some characters for you to ‘ship’ or whatever. Quit making outrageous assumptions about their sexualities and use this website for what it’s actually for: reviewing the bookshop. Honestly I’m so sick of this sort of this shit.
***
Dude. They run a queer-focused shop together with a flat on the second floor. Fell calls the guy ‘Dear’ and he’s always calling him ‘Angel.’ People have literally seen them kissing. If you want I can give you the number of my physician. He might be able to help you pull your head out of your ass.
***
What the hell is your problem? I’m literally just reminding people to stop making assumptions. It’s gross and insulting. These guys check their Yelp page. You really think they’re gonna be okay with this stuff?
Also: I’m not the five-year-old relying on insults, so.
***
Making an account purely to set the record straight: I’m the hot twink in question and I married that angel. Peace
#good omens#ineffable husbands#air conditioning#good omens fic#guess who spent 48 hours doing nothing but writing and formatting#can I get a wahoo
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Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste ch. 1-2
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Juleka Couffaine/Rose Lavillant, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Kagami Tsurugi, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Luka Couffaine, Lila Rossi/karma, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/aneurism, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi, Plagg & Tikki
Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi's Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste's Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo
Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi's Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we're all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone's well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila's brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit
Summary: Gabriel decides that Adrien entering a romantic relationship is a good move for the brand. He chooses Lila Rossi as the other half. Adrien nopes tf out.
Notes: I was gonna have it be a slow acceleration, but Adrien was all “Go big or go home.” Also trying to find motivation to write more of this fic.
AO3 link
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“No,” Adrien growled. “Absolutely not!”
Lila made a show of crying, not that anyone in the room believed her tears were real.
Gabriel frowned at him from his desk. “This will be good for the brand—”
“Fuck the brand!”
“Adrien! This is unbecoming. You will be seen to be dating Ms. Rossi. That is final.”
Adrien’s fists were so tight he was sure he had crescents eating into his palms. “Like hell it is! I will not date that—” he gestured at Lila “—lying cow. Not after how she’s hurt my friends.”
Said girl gasped, outraged, and Adrien was glad to see she actually looked truly upset.
His father stood, but kept his voice emotionless, calm, self-assured that he would capitulate. “Cease this ridiculous teenage rebellion.”
He saw red, but oddly it calmed him. “Father, you have not seen teenage rebellion,” he said, his voice almost terrifyingly calm. “But I would be happy to teach you what it looks like if you try to force me to do this.”
Gabriel’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses. Adrien could see him considering that, but then discarding it. “It will be in the papers tomorrow. If you misbehave, you’ll no longer be permitted to go to school.”
Adrien snorted. He knew more ways to escape this house than his father could possibly anticipate—some he’d made himself, even. “Good luck, Gabe. You’re going to need it.”
He spun on his heel before his father could respond and slammed the door behind him. With the enhanced strength he had as the Black Cat Miraculous chosen, the wood cracked audibly.
As he made his way back to his room, he realized the opportunity his father had just placed in his lap. As the face of the brand, Adrien had more power than Gabriel seemed to realize. It was time to stretch those muscles.
He had planning to do.
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His father had spectacularly good timing for pulling this kind of stunt—for Adrien, anyway. He’d heard from a couple of friends of his that a certain rock star was in town. And if anyone was up for promoting teenage rebellion, Adrien had no doubt it would be Jagged Stone.
It was child’s play to sneak out of the house. He didn’t even have to transform to do it. From there it was just making his way to the Grand Paris Hotel. The staff assumed he was there to see Chloé, so getting in was no problem. Jagged Stone always rented the same suite, so that wasn’t an issue, either.
The hard part, he knew, would come after he knocked on the door.
Jagged opened the door, and then peered at him suspiciously.
“Um, M. Stone, I don’t know if you remember me but—”
The rock star suddenly broke into a wide grin. “Oh, you’re Marinette’s model friend, right?”
Adrien blinked. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard. His rock idol knew him?
Sadly, he had no time to fanboy.
“Yes, Adrien. I was wondering if I could trouble you for some help?”
And so that was how Adrien Agreste wound up sitting in Jagged Stone’s suite, petting Fang, and telling him about the woe that was the obsession his father had with Lila Rossi, Liar Extraordinaire.
“She said I had a what?”
“A kitten. And she got Marinette expelled and is just being really awful to her.”
Jagged opened a cell phone. “Penny, I need you. Yes, I know I sent you for macrons, but this is really important. Bring my niece with.”
When he was finished, he turned to Adrien again. “We’ll get that taken care of.”
“That’s not all, M. Stone.”
He pressed forward, telling his idol of the relationship he was being forced into and his promise to show Gabriel Agreste just what he could do if he really rebelled.
When he was done, Jagged’s face was gleeful in an almost terrifying way.
“Oh, please tell me I get to help with this?” At Adrien’s nod the man whooped in excitement. “Brilliant. Once my niece gets here, we’ll plan properly. She’s a planner, that one. Smart as a whip.”
Adrien blinked. “Your niece?”
“Marinette, of course! Honorary niece.”
His jaw dropped. Marinette had always had the upper hand on Lila, could call in Jagged at any moment to destroy her, and had held back. He never should’ve stopped her.
“My father can’t know she helped. He’s got so much power in the fashion industry, and I don’t want to hurt her career.”
Jagged waved away his concerns. “Mate, listen. From what I understand you’re the face of that company. You have the power, not him. Get you in some Marinette originals, and he can’t undo the fame that’ll bring her.”
Adrien hadn’t considered that. “I just don’t want her hurt.”
He heard the door open, and then a soft, “Adrien?”
It meant he had to explain the situation all over again, letting Jagged Stone assure her that he was going to pop the liar’s kitten whopper as soon as possible.
“I can stop by your school with Fang, yeah? They can’t keep me from saying hi to my favorite niece.”
Marinette bit her lip. “That would be helpful, but for Adrien…”
Adrien smiled. “I want you to design me a new look. Something we can do here and now—maybe with the discrete help of some of the hotel staff, since they have that nice spa and such. Hair dye, new clothes. Maybe some fake piercings. Oooh, a fake tattoo?”
Jagged glanced at Penny, who looked uncertain about this. “Don’t be a party pooper, Penny.”
“His father might sue you,” she pointed out.
“Like I care. I have money.” He grinned. “And for what? Giving his kid a makeover?”
“French law—”
“Nope, don’t care. It’s happening. Get his sizes and go to my favorite stores. Adrien, what color scheme?”
Adrien blinked. He hadn’t thought that far. He glanced at Marinette. “Um, do you think Chat Noir would mind if I used his colors? I think of him when I think teenage rebellion.”
That was more because being Chat Noir had up to this point been his way of rebelling, but she didn’t need to know that.
To his surprise, Marinette grinned, the smile wide enough to match Jagged’s. “Oh, I like that idea. Chains and spikes? Fake lip ring and septum?”
“Absolutely!”
Jagged made a shooing motion at Penny, who rolled her eyes and headed toward the door, before joining in. “Now how about this idea: black and neon green hair, done to look like a skunk’s stripes!”
Adrien was surprised to find himself laughing honestly at the idea. He’d been so angry less than an hour ago, but this was truly fun. “This makes me think of those J-Rock bands, how they used to dress up.”
Jagged’s phone let out a guitar riff and he glanced at it. “Oh, right. Penny needs your measurements. Shoe size, too. Definitely some stomping boots, I think.”
He handed over his unlocked phone for Adrien to text.
“I’ll call the salon, yeah?”
Adrien nodded, texting the information, then froze. “Wait, Chloé might tell my father.”
That got a laugh. “Nah. They’re discrete. They bring everything up here for me—I won’t be around people if I’m getting my hair dyed.”
While Jagged made the call, Adrien finished the text. When he looked up, Marinette was watching him. She turned pink when she realized he’d caught her.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked after a moment.
He sighed, slumping back on the sofa and resting his hand on Fang’s head again. “No, but I don’t have any better ones. That stupid news claiming I’m with Lila’s going to hit tomorrow. And I’m so done with this, with him treating me like I’m property.”
Marinette looked worried, and he tried to muster up a smile. From her expression, he didn’t manage it.
“Maybe…” she started, then trailed off.
“Maybe?”
She didn’t look at him. “Maybe you should look into laws involving child labor and parental responsibility. You… you might be able to get emancipated.”
That startled him—something he hadn’t even thought of before. He hadn’t even been aware it was an option.
When Marinette did look at him, her eyes were stormy. “He’s so… cruel to you. Maybe there’s legal recourse.”
“I’ll think about it,” he murmured. That seemed like such a drastic measure. “I don’t know if I want to go that far.”
She nodded, and he excused himself to go to the bathroom.
Plagg shot out of his pocket the moment the door was closed. “I’m so proud of you kid. This is gonna be great!”
“Thanks, Plagg.”
The kwami grabbed the proffered wedge of camembert.
“And think about what Pigtails said. Your dad’s a real piece of work, and you deserve better.”
“I will.”
Adrien could feel the idea turning over in his mind, as though gathering strength. When he left the bathroom, Jagged met him excitedly.
“I have just the idea! A temporary face tattoo!”
#miraculous ladybug#miraculous fanfiction#adrien agreste#jagged stone#uncle jagged#penny rolling#plagg#marinette dupain cheng#gabriel agreste#gabriel agreste’s a+ parenting#lila rossi#lila salt#lila 'the liar' rossi#ml salt#miraculous salt#my fanfiction#The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste
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So you guys all know that @jumbled-nonsense is the best! I just realized it was her birthday today, and had to do something to celebrate! Maura and I first started talking because she posted on discord that she was starting Red, White, and Royal Blue, so I busted into her DMs demanding that she flail at me while she read it. She did and it was the best, and we’ve been flailing about things to each other ever since! So in honor of her birthday, here is a brief Red, White, and Royal Blue fic I wrote in about two hours this morning (which, if you know me is astounding because usually it takes me like a month to write anything). It has not been beta’d or you know, edited or anything. It’s Liam’s POV of the phone call Alex makes to him as he’s going through his bisexual awakening. Hope you enjoy and don’t get too distracted by typos and grammatical errors!
***
“Babe, staring at the kitchen door isn’t gonna make your food come any faster. We ordered like five minutes ago. You’re gonna have to have at least a modicum or patience. You will not, in fact, starve to death.”
Liam groans in agreement and frustration, forced to acknowledge the objective truth of his boyfriend’s statement. The downside to his favorite brunch spot in Austin is that it is annoyingly popular. To avoid the line you had to show up early. He and Spencer had gotten, well, rather enjoyably distracted this morning, meaning that by the time they got there, the line was halfway up the block, and by the time they were seated it was very firmly in the range of lunch time, rather than brunch and Liam is fucking starving.
To distract himself, he pulls his gaze back to Spencer’s handsome face. It’s no hardship really. It’s been a year, but it still amazes him sometimes that he gets to have this. Not just a hot boyfriend, but one who will grab his hand across the table and press a kiss to his palm. Who gazes at him with open adoration, even when he’s being fidgety and annoying because he’s two seconds away from gnawing off his own hand if they don’t get food soon. He smiles back at Spencer, squeezing his hand across the table.
There had been a time, in the not so distant past, where he thought he might be facing a grim future of furtive handjobs with “no-homo” disclaimers tossed off as soon as the orgasm glow faded. Fear of his parents’ disapproval had kept him closeted far too long, and he’d found out and proud guys were unlikely to want to step in there with him for long, so he’d played it safe through the first two years of college with guys like him, who were fiercely clinging to denial.
Of course, denial had been kind of futile for Liam. It was tough to convince himself he was straight when the catalyst for his gay awakening popped up not infrequently on the news and seemed to grace the cover of half the tabloids in the supermarket.
Though he’d deny it if ever confronted, Liam bought nearly every one he saw during President Claremont’s first year in office. He tried to convince himself it was idle curiosity. His high school best friend was the first son of the United States! It was weird! He just wanted to know what he was up to. Of course, he could’ve answered Alex’s calls instead or responded to his oblivious texts with more than one word if that was what he actually wanted. But nope, embarrassingly enough, he knew he was really searching for any hint, or even the most subtle suggestion of a gay rumor. It was frankly shocking that he hadn’t found one. He’d seen stories intimating drug use, orgies, unexpected pregnancies with movie stars Liam’s fairly certain Alex had never even met, but not even a single tabloid story questioning the first son’s sexuality.
Liam wasn’t sure why it felt important to him to have some confirmation, however flimsy, that Alex wasn’t entirely straight. Liam knew that there existed mostly straight guys who’d accept a “helping hand” if they were horny enough. Maybe it truly had been experimentation for Alex, quickly cast aside in favor of Nora Halleron’s curves. But Alex hadn’t kissed him like a guy experimenting. A handjob could be explained away, but making out with another guy for an hour? That wasn’t straight guy behavior, no matter what Liam had himself insisted at the time. It just didn’t make sense.
Liam supposes Alex could be bisexual but closeted. Liam hadn’t come out until roughly two years ago, even though he’d known he was gay for much longer than that. With being in the spotlight and the political ramifications, it was the most obvious explanation for Alex’s behavior, but Alex just didn’t strike him as the closeted type. He was all chaotic energy and fierce moral certitude, a combination that would have made staying closeted for three years all but impossible. Alex was politically savvy no doubt, and would’ve likely created a 25 point plan for managing any political fallout, if his recklessness hadn’t forced the issue first, but Liam can’t imagine him letting fear keep him quiet for that long, especially as Liam is sure his mom would’ve supported him in coming out if he’d really wanted to. It was a conundrum.
Liam’s not sure why Alex is on his mind today. He had decided long ago that attempting to maintain a friendship with Alex was not conducive to his sanity or from moving forward in a healthy relationship. He hasn’t spoken to him in over a year. Alex seemingly got the hint that Liam didn’t want to maintain contact and hadn’t even reached out via text in nearly that long. When they’d become serious, he’d told Spencer pieces of the story. The emotionally important parts anyways: that Liam and Alex has been best friends and Liam had crushed hard. He hadn’t told the rest until recently, when he’d been sure he could count on his absolute discretion. He certainly doesn’t want to be part of a tabloid story either. Spencer had been sympathetic, “crushing on your likely straight best friend” is practically a right of passage for queer people, but he’d also been kind of hilariously star struck, due to his fierce love of both President Claremont’s policies and her impeccable style. Spencer had commented on both when they had seen a re-election ad last night on TV. Maybe it was that ad that had put Alex back in his thoughts.
Or, maybe it was some kind of premonition, he thinks as he watches his phone buzzing on the table, frozen in shock as he stares down at the caller ID wondering if he’s actually in some weird fucked up dream.
“Babe, your phone is ringing.” Spencer’s voice breaks through his reverie convincing Liam that this is in fact happening.
Normally Liam wouldn’t be so rude as to answer his phone at the table, but he has no idea why Alex would be calling him after all this time. Liam is not hung up on him anymore. He loves Spencer, but there is still a weird pull to Alex that he wishes had disappeared completely.
“I’m gonna grab this real quick, sorry. It’ll just be a minute...it’s just...I’ll explain later.”
“Go for it.” Spencer replies, unbothered. He’s laid back about most things, and he isn’t like partners Liam’s had in the past who would leap to jealousy if they saw a call or text from another guy on his phone. It’s nice not to have to worry about that with Spencer. He is a little annoyed now that Alex is interrupting their date, but not enough not to answer the phone. For some reason he has to know why he’s calling.
“Hello?” Liam drawls into the phone, doing his best not to sound too interested.
Alex clears his throat on the other end of the phone before stuttering, more hesitantly than Liam has ever heard him. “Uh, hey, Liam. It’s Alex.”
Liam’s eyes nearly roll to the back of his head. “I know.”
“How, um, how have you been?”
Jesus Christ. They are not doing this. He does fiercely want to know why Alex is calling, but he does not have time for him to make awkward small talk for 20 minutes first. His food will get here at some point and he’s definitely not rude enough to stay long on the phone at a restaurant while on a date. Alex better cut to the damn chase or he’s hanging up the phone.
“You wanna tell me why you’re really calling, Alex?” Liam catches Spencer’s eyes widen as he utters Alex’s name, but he doesn’t interrupt.
“Oh.” Alex stutters again, and the nervousness is so out of character for him that Liam can’t imagine what’s got him twisted up like this. “This might sound weird. But, um. Back in high school, did we have, like, a thing? Did I miss that?”
Liam has the overwhelming urge to bang his head on the table repeatedly, but settles for just dropping it on the table once. Are they actually going to rehash this now? Four years later?
It’s weird, he considered Alex might be closeted but he hadn’t considered full obliviousness. On the one hand it feels ridiculous, for a guy who talks LGBT policies frequently, who had an ex-girlfriend who identifies as “not straight”, who made out and got a hand job from his ex-best friend in high school, to just, not realize for four years that he wasn’t straight? Liam might’ve denied that there was anything gay about the fooling around they did in high school but he had ate least known he was full of shit. But on the other hand, it makes a weird kind of sense. Sometimes when Alex was really focused on something, it was like he had blinders on, and everything else disappeared. He wonders what the hell happened to break through the denial. It shouldn’t, but it kind of bothers Liam that he hadn’t managed to be the catalyst for whatever revelation is happening now.
His slight annoyance at that seeps through in his tone as he bites out, “Are you seriously calling me right now to talk about this? I’m at lunch with my boyfriend.” He doesn’t know if Alex has heard through the grapevine that he came out or not. Liam’s not really on social media and he can’t think of who Alex hung out with from their high school that he’d have kept up with who would have told him. Oh well, he knows now.
Alex’s contrite apology softens him a little. Enough to continue the conversation at least. Spencer’s done a remarkable job of not interrupting with the thousand questions he must have, and Liam takes pity on him and covers the phone with one hand to explain. “It’s Alex.”
“Like Alex, Alex?” Spencer whispers, eyes burning with curiosity. “Your famous ex?”
Liam rolls his eyes, he’d hardly call him an ex, but Spencer does like to tease him about it sometimes. “Yeah, him.”
“Oh my god. I thought you hadn’t talked to him in forever? What does he want?” Liam’s grateful that Spencer is keeping his voice low.
“I don’t know, babe.”
Spencer gestures for him to get back to his phone call. “Well find out! I’m dying of curiosity over here!”
Half of Liam is too, but the other half isn’t sure he wants to wade back into Alex’s dramatics when he worked so hard to escape them. But part of what had frustrated him and made it impossible for them to maintain a friendship was what he saw as Alex’s steadfast commitment to ignoring that they’d ever been more than friends, so maybe this is the conversation they need to have. But he’s gonna make Alex work for it a little.
“What exactly are you asking me?”
“I mean, like, we messed around, but did it, like, mean something?”
Liam again considers the merits of repeatedly banging his head on the table but settles for raking his fingers through the stubble under his jaw. It’s not like he’s never had a conversation like this. He volunteers at the LGBTQ community center that’s nearby his college and has talked a few questioning teenagers through their feelings, but Alex is an adult and Liam doesn’t have the emotional distance to be quite as patient as he usually is. He gives it a shot anyways, though. “I don’t think I can answer that question for you.”
“Right,” Alex responds, sounding defeated. “You’re right.”
Liam takes pity on him. He’s obviously going through something and probably has few people he can talk to. Alex is dynamic and people gravitate towards him, but Liam noticed in high school that he rarely let anyone close. He never hears (or reads articles) about any enduring friendships outside of June and Nora, and, apparently long term friendship no one knew about until recently with the Prince of England. Liam is pretty that’s just PR stunt though, after that whole cake debacle, so he’s probably not confiding in Prince Henry either.
Liam might be his only real option outside his sister and ex/best friend, so he’s willing to give Alex a few more minutes. Besides, maybe if he humors Alex a bit now, he’ll get back some of the karma points he lost when he nearly fell down laughing at the pictures of Alex lying on the floor amidst the ruined cake at the Royal Wedding. But it’s gonna have to be quick since he thinks he sees their food finally coming out and he’s not delaying his meal or being any rider on his date than he’s already been. Alex has always responded best to bluntness anyways and if Alex really has been oblivious for all these years, a dose of reality is just what he needs.
“Look, man. I don’t know what kind of sexual crisis you’re having right now, like, four years after it would have been useful, but well. I’m not saying what we did in high school makes you gay or bi or whatever, but I can tell you I’m gay, and that even though I acted like what we were doing wasn’t gay back then, it super was.”
Liam sighs. He hadn’t necessarily meant for his slight annoyance at not being the catalyst for Alex’s bi awakening slip in, but oh well. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for Alex to understand a little bit about the frustrations Liam went through in high school and the years afterwards when Alex’s random texts would send his head spinning for days. Thankfully the food and drinks have arrived giving him a good reason to wrap up this conversation.
“Does that help, Alex? My Bloody Mary is here and I need to talk to it about this phone call.”
“Um, yeah,” Alex says. “I think so. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Liam sighs, relieved in some ways that they’ve brought a few things out in the open, but also that this conversation is over. He prepares to hang up the phone but before he can he hears Alex begin to speak again.
“And, um. I’m sorry?”
Liam can practically see the look on Alex’s face. It’s the one he always used to make when Liam was frustrated and annoyed with him and Alex wasn’t quite sure why. The look always made Liam cave just when he’d resolved to create some emotional distance between them in high school for his own sanity. Thank god they’ve had years of physical distance that actually let him move on. Still, the reminder of those days and those feelings of frustration bubble to the surface and he needs to be done with this call. He groans out an exasperated “Jesus Christ” and hangs up the phone before Alex can get another word in.
Spencer, predictably, but wonderfully, looks both sympathetic and amused. Though it’s clear he’s dying to know about the other half of the conversation, he seems to know Liam needs a minute, so he just wordlessly pushes his Bloody Mary across the table, content to wait until Liam’s ready to share. Liam smiles at him, grateful for Spencer’s laid back energy and caring nature. He’s struck again by how lucky he feels to have come out the other side, to have made it through the confusion and angst of the coming out process, to be confident in who he is, and to have a healthy relationship like this one. He reaches out and covers Spencer’s hand with his own. “I love you, you know.”
Spencer smiles indulgently. “I know. Now finish your Bloody Mary so you can tell me all about that deliciously dramatic phone call.” Liam squeezes Spencer’s hand, and does just that.
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1-85 uwu
j esus okay
1. describe yourself.
uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch
2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?
idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.
3. do you have siblings?
the one thats still alive is my half brother
4. what is your favorite constellation, why?
orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio
5. favorite color.
yellow, pink, or blue.
6. what kind of music do you listen to?
almost anything. whatever catches my interest.
7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)
forgot what i said last time but those
yellow carnations i think?
8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?
maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk
9. favorite childhood memory.
my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.
10. have you ever been cheated on?
i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.
11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?
big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.
12. favorite animal.
river otter
13. what was the last photo you took of?
cat
14. do you believe in soul mates?
i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns
15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?
over is the one thats socially acceptable right
16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.
idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.
17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?
no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.
18. guilty pressures?
im assuming thats meant to be pleasures
umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,
19. favorite mythical creature, why?
merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t
20. something most people don’t know about you.
i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.
not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth
21. where did you grow up, what was it like?
grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.
22. do you believe aliens exist?
sure.
23. what was your last google search?
other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things
24. what did your last relationship teach you?
the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.
25. would you relocate for love?
honestly yeah
26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?
both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.
27. favorite book.
favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta
favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.
28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?
introvert by far
29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?
i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts
30. top 5 favorite movies.
in no particular order
little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched
31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
no
32. what is your greatest fear?
definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy
33. favorite alcoholic beverage.
im baby
34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.
im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing
35. do you believe in ghosts?
not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in
36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?
idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!
37. should you split the dinner bill?
i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.
38. are you a good liar?
most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so
39. what keeps you up at night?
depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.
40. would you rather go without your phone or music?
music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends
41. do you believe in god?
what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.
no. i don't.
42. how do you relax when frustrated?
cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper
43. what’s something that offends you?
when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway
44. favorite food
i hate myself whenever i eat food
45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?
@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee
46. when do you feel the most confident?
never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.
47. what do you do in your free time?
sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.
48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect
matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.
49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?
i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.
50. did/do you play sports in school?
i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.
51. when are you happiest?
talkin 2 jay prolly
52. coffee or tea?
tea
53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?
my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7
54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?
their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me
55. what is your favorite season, why?
fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.
56. what makes you laugh?
stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn
57. are you a clean or messy person?
a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.
58. what is important for a successful relationship?
communication communication communicati
talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.
59. what was your upcoming like?
if thats supposed to be upbringing
idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.
60. favorite holiday?
any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.
61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket
62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?
hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty
63. favorite outdoor activity.
frisbee
64. how are you? honestly.
not great. i want highschool to end.
65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?
idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that
66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?
waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.
67. favorite type of candy?
none
68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?
i can and will do arson, an autobiography
69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?
i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly
70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?
silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected
71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?
im mostly the one having the weird conversations
72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?
i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit
73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?
when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides
74. what do you like to cook?
whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot
75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?
really pretty tropical fish
76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?
idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing
77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?
heart at first but my head if things get bad
78. what is your favorite quote?
"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"
or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.
this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood
79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?
once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao
80. what’s your love language?
sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.
81. do you ever feel alone?
oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks
82. ever been bullied?
yeah
83. are you usually early or late?
late bc of my parents rip
84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?
drawing, or writing. also theater.
85. what do you wish you knew more about?
i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.
id like to know more about forensics tho
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On the Fourth Wall and Transformative Works in RPF Fandoms
The fourth wall is a massively complicated area, which engages debates around fan labour, the power dynamics between TPTB and fandoms, the power dynamics between celebrities and celebrity oriented fandoms and the silencing/shaming of transformative works, specifically erotic fanart and fanfiction.
Derived from the abstract notion of the fourth wall in the theater (i.e. the three walls of the stage and the ‘invisible’ wall between action on stage and the audience) discussions of the ‘fourth wall’ have extended into film, television and take on its own definition as part of fandom parlance, with its increasingly more illusory and permeable construct in today’s social media driven world.
Fandoms are under more scrutiny than ever as non-fandom people pick up on intra-fandom activities and ships, and the fourth wall disintegrates as a result. It’s not just fans that break the fourth wall. It’s frequently dismantled by celebrities, the media, talk show hosts, TPTB and so on. There are a lot of convincing articles that suggest the fourth wall actually should come down, because clinging on to its last bricks heightens the sense that we should be ashamed of creating fanfiction, fanart, vidding and so on, particularly stuff with an erotic and/or ship focused slant. However, I think the conversation, when it comes to RPF, is different.
Here’s why.
Celebrities who have no real understanding of fandom space, often get weirded out when they find they are the subject of RPF fanfic. In a hot button moment in my early days of being active in this (Radio One RPF) fandom, I expressed views on that which I have since refined. Honestly, I do think a bemused response is understandable from people with zero knowledge of the role of fandoms in pop culture or the creative freedoms those spaces have historically provided to participants operating within them. Where I sit now is that I wish celebrities who benefit enormously from a large fandom with a significant transformative element might invest a little time to work out what these spaces are all about, and certainly not disingenuously exploit those spaces for humour and/or financial gain, but I get the understandable moment of not being sure what’s going on and reacting in a way that doesn’t jive well with fandom. By way of early caveat I’m also stripping out debates around any kind of harassment (ship related, stalking and so on) from this post, because if I haven’t been abundantly clear about it before, I think that is NOT okay. This post focuses on the celebrity response to RPF - real person fiction - and specifically erotic works of fanfiction. It does not deal with how celebrities might respond to attempts to establish any kind of ‘real person fact’, because that’s a whole different ballgame. FWIW, on that, I’m with V. Arrow’s excellent essay on RPF in Anne Jamison’s ‘Fic: Why Fanfiction is Taking Over the World.
Some celebrities have been confronted with the information that the fictional characters they play are the subject of transformative works, and even that breaking of the fourth wall has historically not gone great for fandoms. With the exception of some fandom darlings like Tom Felton in Harry Potter fandom, it has frequently been met with the dreaded ‘no homo’ response or convention circuit engagement which makes fandom at large feel ashamed for seeing slashy potential in subtext. As much as people want to hold creators to account for capitalising on large slash ships without offering any meaningful endgame, there are also large portions of those fandoms that wish those questions wouldn’t get asked in public forums in the first place, because of the spectacular potential they have to go wrong. See, Jensen Ackles on bisexual Dean Winchester, William Shatner on Kirk/Spock, Benedict Cumberbatch on Johnlock, the Phelps twins on Weasleycest and countless others.
The difference with analysing how these conversations play out in the case of the examples above and RPF, is that the former engages debates around text/subtext, queer readings of texts, authorial control over narrative, queerbaiting in media and so on. There are undoubtedly all kinds of blurred lines which include debating the utility of shutting down slash ship questions in fan-driven forums when shows actively play with those ships in canon, the issues with framing shipping as activism and so on, but these are all big topics in and of themselves. The tl;dr is that celebs can get weird about transformative fandom activity, even if such fandom activity is centered on the fictional characters they portray. When it comes to transformative works in an RPF context, you might argue the image a celebrity cultivates as a fiction in and of itself and to an extent there is an artificiality in terms of what gets presented to the world at large, but fundamentally, a lot of the language we use to talk about fictional narratives doesn’t easily translate in the context of real people, because they’re not fictional characters. They are real people, living real lives.
That’s not to say I think people creating transformative works in RPF fandoms should feel more squeamish about doing so, but I do think the conversation around the sanctity of the fourth wall is different in RPF fandoms. For a start, for some people part of being in an RPF fandom is actually all about breaking the fourth wall. Interacting with your faves in a publicly visible way is part of celebrity fandom. However, I question the extent to which it is appropriate/helpful to extend that celebrity/fan interaction to the workings of transformative fandom and the slashing, femslashing, shipping and headcanoning associated with it. Let’s be very real about the fact that if celebrities are responding negatively to what fandom does with its interpretation of the fictional characters they depict (and oh boy I have thoughts on that which I will shelve for another day), the potential for a celebrity to find erotic works of fiction about themselves or their friends weird must surely be heightened.
This is ultimately why, in my view, @ ing celebs about fictional ships and headcanons rarely, if ever, ends well, with the possible exception of celebrities who are fannish themselves - i.e. the ones who can speak back to fandom in their own language. It most frequently ends up in a situation where not only the person sending the original message - but the fandom at large - is led to feel like your fave disapproves of something you put a lot of unpaid labour into producing and feel proud of, and it’s a pretty awful feeling. I’m staunchly in defense of RPF and I will bring out all the receipts which back up my perspective if required, but I have no desire for any of the stars of my RPF fiction to ever become aware of the fiction I’m writing about them in real life. I don’t want their approval, I certainly don’t invite their censorship, and I ultimately produce transformative works for the people that are here for it, i.e. the people in fandom who want to read the stuff I write.
When it comes to debates about the fourth wall with fictional narratives, there’s an element of holding the fiction to account, of exploring how shipping finds its way into the narrative but the actual (invariably queer) ship doesn’t. That is all part of a broader campaign for diversity in media, which in and of itself is loaded with the complications of vitriolic ship wars, skewed perceptions of fan/creator control, investing in commercially viable content where the queerness resides within subtext and is hyped within fandom space as opposed to less commercialised and already diverse queer content and so on.
With RPF and the fourth wall, you strip away a lot of those issues around diversity in media because - aside from debates about problematic faves - your faves just are. The fiction that exists is the facade of celebrity, but it has a real person behind it all and the possibility of ‘changing the narrative’ doesn’t hold weight in the same way as it does with fiction. For many celebrities their ‘celebrity’ image is very much part of showing the world their authentic selves.
When the transformative side of RPF fandom intersects with the actual celebrities in question, I always come back to who benefits from the works produced within these communities. Aside from the arguments about the financial benefits a large ship can wield, primarily, transformative works offer a space of great creativity, solace and freedom for the participants within those fandoms. That’s the thing I feel most strongly about protecting. When celebrities are confronted with transformative works featuring even the characters they represent on screen, let alone fiction or theories about themselves or their friends, their response to that has the potential to upset the fandom at large, and that just makes everyone feel like shit. I would dearly love to see the fourth wall as an impenetrable construct in these spaces for that reason, but it’s not always to be. This post is a slight subtweet to something that happened in the particular fandom I’m in today, but it has, I hope, broader application.
I struggle to see the upside of showing RPF celebrities transformative works featuring them, but, if you have counter perspectives, please do share. I’d love to know your thoughts.
#fourth wall#ugh#i promised myself i would stop having Opinions#for a while#i just think this topic#is actually interesting
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If They Liked This, They May Also Like...
Holiday Shopping with Reacting to Something
stock photo shamelessly lifted from
We know we haven’t generated original content in a very long time, but we wanted to get into the holidays in a way that was more or less on brand. So in the spirit of a Netflix recommendation algorithm, here are some suggestions for what to buy friends and family who liked some of the movies we saw in 2018 (including a couple that premiered in late 2017).
It’s probably obvious, but just to be super clear, the format below is --
If they liked this: They may also like this
Miri’s Gift Guide
The Shape of Water: I shouldn’t say a day pass to an aquarium because it’s a terrible, easy joke BUT I AM WHO I AM.
If you’re not a garbage person, maybe consider the rest of Del Toro’s creature filmography, anything related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or a collection of fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen. Dark and gritty originals, not the tidied up versions.
Call Me By Your Name: NO, I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEACHES BECAUSE EVEN I HAVE LIMITS. APPARENTLY. The book is a lovely, lyrical, tragic read (or listen, if you go with the Armie Hammer audiobook as I did), and I would also recommend giving a gift of solitary artistic pleasure in whatever way speaks to your intended recipient—a CD, a ticket to an art exhibit, a coffee table book of a painter you think they will love. Something beautiful that requires a little bit of space to enjoy privately.
Black Panther: The new Shuri comic! (I am a hypocrite because I haven’t read it yet but it looks so awesome!) Also, there are some choice funko pops for Black Panther, which are a nice, reasonable price and make a great desk or bookshelf addition.
Annihilation: A DVD of Arrival and a book on fascinating genetic mutations. (The photo above is from the first linked book.) Also, tell them about the Twitter account Tessa as Goats, which is a true gift to us all.
Game Night: A murder mystery game! Or whatever game you think most appeals to them, but I personally think the immersive nature of a murder mystery is a true delight. Also, something Olivia the Dog themed because she’s awesome.
A Wrinkle in Time: For the actual child: one of the books published under the Rick Riordan Presents banner.
For the child in all of us: a soothing and/or empowering adult coloring book and some nice colored pencils.
Thoroughbreds: Really cool sunglasses.
Love, Simon: Tickets to the upcoming Clea DuVall helmed queer rom com starring Kristen Stewart and YES this is a request for myself, obviously.
Blockers: Make them a dance music playlist on Spotify!! (Or burn an actual CD for peak nostalgia/those who enjoy physical media.) And if you have some time together, have your own dance party with as many or as few people as you want.
photo illustration by
Ocean’s 8: LEVERAGE! BUY THEM A SEASON OF LEVERAGE!!! Give them the gift of even more cons and fun!
Incredibles 2: If they are parents: a night out without the children (this could mean a gift certificate or an offer to babysit). If not, try something heroic like these ornaments, or something that helps them learn to be their own hero, like a self defense or kickboxing class.
Tag: LASER TAG! It’s so fun, even if you’re bad at it! Give a gift card or book a session together and enjoy chasing each other around like giant, fun-loving idiots.
photo illustration from
Set It Up: A massage. Anyone who related to this movie too much is likely very much in need of stress relief. Also, a large quantity of popcorn to be eaten in whatever manner they wish with no shame at all.
Hotel Artemis: A Swiss army knife and a couple of airplane bottles of booze.
Sorry to Bother You: An Oaktown t-shirt (I have been told by someone from the area that this is A Thing but I don’t actually know and I’m sorry for that) and a copy of Kafka’s Metamorphosis.
Crazy Rich Asians: Ideally, a whirlwind food tour of Singapore. If that’s not feasible, a Hulu subscription so they can enjoy Constance Wu’s full comic potential in Fresh Off the Boat. And a really nice candle, because it’s a small decadence that can really go a long way.
To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before: The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory (if they like a steamy read), tall socks (if they like to be cozy and cute), and custom stationary (if they like to live dangerously).
A Simple Favor: A cocktail shaker, fancy bitters, a really good mystery novel.
Widows: Tickets to go see Widows again because it’s amazing and is probably even more amazing a second time.
Kris’s Recommended Reading
Wildlife or Widows: The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness
As I say in my Amazon review, this is the best applied ethics text I was never assigned. In fairness to my professors, attorney-turned-journalist Jill Filipovic hadn’t written it yet when I was a philosophy student. Filipovic is also not a philosopher. But she is a brilliant writer and a rigorous thinker, and The H-Spot is fundamentally and explicitly an Aristotelian ethical project. That is to say, it takes the starting position that political organization should be aimed at the goal of human flourishing (as opposed to, say, economic growth). From there Filipovic builds a case, or maybe it's better to say several cases, for specific ways in which American policy fails women and disproportionately women of color in this aim, and concrete ways in which it could address this failure. She does so largely through first-hand accounts of several women across America, in a wide range of socioeconomic circumstances. Although the institutions and less formal systems in play are complicated, the questions at the heart of all this are simple: What do women want? What do women need?
Filipovic asks these questions without pre-judgment, and without assuming that any answers are too unrealistic to consider. Not that anyone she talks to asks for anything "unrealistic." Partly this is because they often speak from too much experience for the unrealistic to occur to them as something they deserve to ask for, but also, the idea that woman-friendly policy is unrealistic is a Bad Take to begin with. Filipovic doesn't need to be pie-in-the-sky utopian to show how things could be much better for women (and by extension, it should but still doesn't go without saying, for everyone).
I left academic philosophy over five years ago, but I really think each chapter (built around topics like friendship, sex, parenting, and food) is brimming with potential paper topics for grad and undergrad students of ethics and/or political philosophy. Whether you’re philosophically inclined or not, if you think “women should be happy” and “the point of civilization is to make happiness easier for everyone” are uncontroversial claims, The H-Spot is the book for you -- and for your friends who loved the several underestimated women of Widows, or Carey Mulligan’s captivating portrayal in Wildlife of a woman doing the best she could within the restrictions of her era.
Black Panther: A Nation Under Our Feet
Though it helps to have some familiarity with the Avengers storylines that led up to Ta-Nehisi motherfucking Coates’s first year on the Black Panther comic -- as well as with the excellent opening arc of Matt Fraction’s Invincible Iron Man -- here’s all that even a new comics reader really needs to know before jumping into Nation: King T’Challa, the Black Panther, was recently unable to prevent several consecutive disasters in Wakanda. Both as a cause and as a result of these disasters, T’Challa worked with the so-called “Illuminati” (Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Stephen Strange, and other intellectual and strategic heavyweights) to prevent the end of the multiverse itself. That crisis averted, T’Challa has returned to Wakanda to resume his royal duties.
Coates takes as a starting premise that Wakanda, the most advanced nation on earth, would only still have a hereditary monarchy if the monarch was uniquely suited as a protector of the people. In the wake of the Panther’s failures in this regard, Nation opens with a rebellion against T’Challa’s rule on two fronts: domestic terrorists with an unknown agenda on one hand, and on the other, former officers of the Dora Milaje (the all-female royal bodyguard corps beloved by fans of the movie) rallying Wakandan women who have suffered great injustices unaddressed by the crown. The leaders of the latter, lovers Ayo and Aneka, are nominally antagonists to T’Challa, but to the reader they’re parallel protagonists. You root for both T’Challa and the Dora Milaje, even though their agendas are in tension, not unlike the way one might have rooted for both Tyrion Lannister and Robb Stark in early Game of Thrones. (Shuri’s around too, though she’s quite unlike her movie counterpart.)
When he’s not fighting or investigating, T’Challa does a lot of soul-searching and debating about his responsibilities as king, the ways it conflicts with his career as a globetrotting superhero, and whether and how the government of Wakanda must evolve. Though Wakanda is too small to be considered a superpower, the domestic terror angle, an interrogation of historical injustice, and the struggle between moral idealism and political reality make Wakanda a proxy in some important ways for modern America. (You may have noticed that Ryan Coogler did this too.) Coates’s meditation on leadership and political power made A Nation Under Our Feet not only a great superhero comic but -- this is not an exaggeration or a joke -- my favorite political writing of 2016.
Nation is illustrated mostly by Brian Stelfreeze and Chris Sprouse, with colors by Laura Martin; some of Stelfreeze’s designs clearly influenced the movie.
Thoroughbreds: Sweetpea
When a clever, mean-spirited would-be journalist with airhead friends learns that her boyfriend is cheating on her, old traumas bubble to the surface and she becomes a serial killer who targets sex offenders. Darkly, often cruelly hilarious, Sweetpea is what you’d get if American Psycho was set in southwestern England and for some reason starred Amy from Gone Girl. Protagonist Rhiannon is a self-described inhabitant of an Island of Unfinished Sentences, de facto Chief Listener of her “friend” circle, and a maker of lists. Lists of the things her friends talk about (babies, boyfriends, IKEA), signs she’d like to put up at work (please close doors quietly, please do not wear Crocs to work), and oh, the people she wants to kill. Like her boyfriend, at the moment. Or ISIS, when news coverage of a terror attack pre-empts her beloved MasterChef.
Author C.J. Skuse smartly chooses not to have Rhiannon wallow in her traumatic past as many superheroes do. We get glimpses for context, but Rhiannon is committed to moving forward, to escaping her demons rather than being defined by them. It matters that she wants to get better, even if she also hates that she’s bought into society’s definition of “better.” (#relatable)
It’s worth noting that Sweetpea leans seemingly uncritically into a lot of dated gender tropes, in Rhiannon’s assessments of the women around her. (Body positive she is not.) Then again, she’s an unreliable narrator -- one of the best demonstrations of this is a scene in which she’s convinced of her ability to fool the world into believing she’s normal, then overhears her dipshit co-workers talk about how unsettling she is -- so arguably we’re supposed to laugh at how terrible she is without necessarily agreeing with her. This is, I think, a perfectly legitimate approach to a protagonist, even if some find it unfashionable.
The book is not quite as thematically rich as it first appears, at least on the topic of sexual violence; it indulges a “stranger danger” picture of rape that doesn’t feel entirely contemporary. (For a more nuanced treatment of rape culture, see the sadly short-lived but wildly entertaining vigilante dramedy Sweet/Vicious.) But as a portrait of a vibrant, layered, genuinely Nasty-and-you-kinda-love-her-for-it woman -- given Oscar-caliber-portrayal-worthy life by Skuse’s wickedly sharp voice -- Sweetpea is too fun to pass up.
Upgrade or Infinity War: The Wild Storm
Castlevania showrunner Warren Ellis helped redefine superhero comics with 1999’s The Authority, which at DC’s request he's given a Gritty Reboot (along with the WildCATS, whom some of us remember from this extremely 90s cartoon) in The Wild Storm. Ellis has always been interested in The Future, both its potential wondrousness and its probable horror. Fans of Upgrade’s refreshingly unsanitized (and unsanitary) take on human enhancement through body modification will find much to like in Ellis’s spin on the trope of second-skin powered armor. (He semi-famously wrote Extremis, one of the comic arcs that inspired Iron Man 3.)
art by Jon Davis Hunt, from The Wild Storm #1
Angela Spica, a reimagining of Ellis’s old Authority character The Engineer, is a cybernetics expert who stumbles onto a sort of shadow government conspiracy related to her employer, and goes on the run with the armor she’s designed for them. (When not deployed, the armor is stored inside her body.) Angela is quickly targeted by multiple covert organizations, one of which rescues (?) her and brings her in on a secret history of technological arms races and contact with extraterrestrials. The Wild Storm is full of big action and bigger ideas, and for smart, generally curious superhero movie fans who find the decades-long continuities of the DC and Marvel universes intimidating, it’s a great entry -- with a blessedly planned ending -- into sci-fi-comics.
Happy holidays, and have fun gift shopping!
#holiday shopping#gift guide#Black Panther#Call Me By Your Name#Thoroughbreds#Wildlife#Widows#Annihilation#Upgrade#A Simple Favor#The Wedding Date#Leverage#Jill Filipovic#The H Spot#Warren Ellis#The Wild Storm#superheroes#reaction#Miri#Kris
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Take Me to Church Chapter 12: Massage
Fandom: Gorillaz
Rating: Explicit
Relationships: 2doc
Tags: Car Accidents Angst Hurt/Comfort Drugs/Alcohol Implied/Referenced Suicide SuicideHealing Everything Hurts
Summary: The band is back together, but things are… weird to say the least. But when a crisis arises, can they pull it all together and be a family again?
Link to other Chapters on my Blog!
When Russel woke up the next morning he was stiff but happy. They should really replace that sofa with something better if they were going to be having campouts in the living room. With a groan he sat up and brushed pizza crumbs from the blankets, looking over at the armchair where 2D and Murdoc had been the night before.
And… they were both still there, crammed into the chair and wrapped around each other like two octopi. It was almost sweet if you could look past the discarded pizza crusts and drool. Murdoc was wrapped up on 2D’s arms, his face pressed firmly between the sofa and 2D’s shoulder. The singer was nearly horizontal on the chair, his arms around Murdoc and his legs dangling over the arms of the chair. He was also the main source of the drool. Russel smiled.
Those two idiots had been dancing around each other for years. Russel had watched the way 2D had pinned over the bassist when the band first got together all the way through Demon Dayz, and he’d watched Murdoc check out the singer constantly. He’d thought that something might have happened between them during Plastic Beach, but from what he’d been told Murdoc had been even worse than usual out there. After that, the bassist and the singer seemed to drift apart, and Russel thought that was that. Until a few days ago.
They must have thought he wasn’t home. Either that or they didn’t care, but he would have had to be deaf not to hear them going at it like rabbits. Well, it was more the two of them arguing in the hall outside his room and then going at it like rabbits, but either way, they weren't subtle. He’d waited until they stopped and left then went on a walk to give them the illusion that he hadn’t been home, but he had been.
It made the interactions between them even weirder if anything. 2D kept swinging between comforting and angry, friendly and hostile. Murdoc seemed more clingy with the singer, shadowing him and being almost nice at times. Russel wanted to stay out of it for the most part and let them sort it out for themselves, but he’d started noticing things that forced him to step in. Like 2D getting upset and shouting, and Murdoc freezing up again and again. Not to mention Murdoc’s obviously declining mental health.
Deciding to give them some privacy he got up quietly, made himself a quick breakfast, and headed upstairs. At least with them both asleep down there he'd get some peace and quiet for once.
2D was woken up by the feeling of something moving around on top of him. It felt a little like Katsu at first and he was going to try to push the cat off when he cracked an eye open and saw that it was actually Murdoc. The other man was curled up tightly in 2D’s arms, snoring away, his whistling breath making the most adorable little catching sounds at the end of each exhale. 2D raised a hand to smooth the other man’s fringe and lightly caress his brow. He was frowning in his sleep.
It wasn’t long before 2D’s petting woke the bassist up. He scrunched his nose in distaste for a moment before burrowing further into Stu’s shoulder. 2D thought it might have been the cutest thing he’d ever seen.
“G’morning Muds,” he murmured and Murdoc shook his head against his collarbone.
“S’too early to be good,” he mumbled. 2D laughed lightly and continued his petting. Murdoc purred. “That feels nice.”
They stayed like that for a little while, 2D running his hands through and against Murdoc’s hair and Murdoc nuzzling against the singer's neck. Eventually though, one of them shifted enough that Murdoc had to prop himself up or crush poor 2D and they came face to face. 2D wanted to ask how he was feeling, maybe apologize again for shouting yesterday, but he didn’t. Instead, he leaned forward slightly and gently connected their lips.
It was a chaste kiss, no tongues or biting. It lasted no more than three seconds but to 2D if felt like an eternity. This was their first kiss without the intention of sex, the first kiss that he hadn’t wanted to lead to sex. And maybe it was because he was still a little groggy from sleep or because a migraine was coming on but 2D felt good about it.
“What was that for?” Murdoc asked quietly. 2D smirked and gave him another perk.
“No reason, jus’ felt like it I guess,” 2D said, and it was the truth. Murdoc chuckled.
“Poof,” the bassist said accusingly, sitting up to stretch. 2D now free of Murdoc’s weight did the same.
“Says the man who takes dick like he was born to.” Murdoc swatted at him playfully and 2D tried to dodge. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the most graceful and he overcorrected, throwing them both off the chair and onto the floor in a laughing and swearing.
“Ow, fuck D, I think I broke somthin’,” Murdoc complained as he extracted himself from their tangle of limbs. 2D didn’t bother moving until the other man was free, knowing he’d probably just muck things up more.
“Stop whinging Muds, you’re fine.” 2D stood as well and picked up the blankets that had fallen with them, setting them on the chair. “How’re you feelin’?”
“Like I jus’ slept in an armchair and then fell offa’ one,” Murdoc responded. 2D frowned and reached out, firmly grasping his arm.
“You know what I mean Muds,” he pushed. He fully expected Murdoc to balk like usual, to brush him off, but was pleasantly surprised when the other man made hesitant eye contact.
“I’m not gonna lie and say I feel amazing, but,” Murdoc put a hand over 2D’s and the singer's heart thumped a bit faster, “for now I think I’m alrigh’.”
A smile he couldn’t suppress stretched across his face. “Thanks for tellin’ me Murdoc.”
“Don’t mention it, really.” They were standing there, his hand on Murdoc’s arm, their fingers touching. 2D was about to step closer when he heard footsteps outside the doorway and the two sprung apart.
“Are you guys finally awake? Thought you might sleep the whole damn day,” Russel commented on his way to the kitchen.
“S’cause you kept us up all night with that damn Hell’s Kitchen special. No one needs to see that much Gordon Ramsay in one day Russ,” Murdoc griped, following him in. 2D went as well, the thought of a good cup of tea pulling him towards the kettle.
“What you don’t fancy old English men who’re as loid as you then?” he teased. Murdoc cast him a knowing glance and smirked.
“I prefer my men to have… more pleasant tones,” the bassist answered blithely and Russel snorted.
“That’s hella gay Murdoc, even for you,” the drummer quipped and Murdoc tossed a loose tea bag from the dining table at him.
“Oh fuck off, like you’re not bent yourself,” the bassist said, still looking at 2D. Stu felt something warm settle in his chest at the smile he received.
“Never said I wasn’t, Gorillaz is probably as queer as they come. D’you remember when Noodle had that crush on Natalie Portman?” Russel asked. It took a minute but 2D eventually remembered with a smile.
“Oh yeah! She was so hopelessly in love an’ kept denyin’ it,” he reminisced. That had been back during Demon Dayz, at Kong. 2D missed those times. He struggled to fill the kettle for a few moments.
“It was because of Star Wars, I think,” Murdoc chimed in, helping 2D with the kettle. Together they got 3 mugs ready and 2D jerked his head in Russel’s direction.
“You want some tea Russ?” he asked, pouring his and Murdoc’s. Russel shook his head, grabbing a can of pop from the fridge.
“Nah man, I’m goin’ out for a bit. Text me if you need me.”
“Seeya Russ,” Murdoc called over his shoulder as he fussed with the toaster. When the front door closed he commented. “He was in a bit of a rush wasn’t he?”
“And he’d been goin’ out a lot. Maybe he’d seein’ someone?” 2D said, pausing to imagine Russel dating anybody. “I don’t think I’ve seen him date anyone, like ever.”
Murdoc shrugged and they fell into a companionable silence. 2D fixed the tea and set it on the table while Murdoc buttered toast and did the same. They shared the toast and 2D showed Murdoc some memes on his phone. He didn’t think that Murdoc really understood them that well but they made him laugh so Stu didn’t mind. They even did the dishes when they were done, knowing that if they ruined Russel’s newly cleaned kitchen they’d be dead men.
“So what’d you wanna do today Muds? We never did get to work on that song,” 2D said, wiping his soapy hands on his shirt. He really hoped Murdoc wanted to work on the song, as much as he liked the sex he was starting to feel creative withdrawal.
“Sounds alright to me, jus’ let me take a shower and grab my bass yeah?” They split up and 2D decided to get changed and clean up his room a little. Normally he wouldn’t give a shit about Murdoc seeing his room in its natural state, but he figured it couldn’t hurt.
About half an hour later Murdoc wandered in, hair dripping and bass in hand. As usual, he’d forgone a shirt and 2D tried not to ogle his bare chest too much.
“Alrigh' then Stu?” the bassist asked, sitting on the bed and resting the bass in his lap. 2D smiled and gestured to the end of the bed.
“There’s an amp under all that junk if you need it,” he said. Murdoc eyed the pile of clothes, keyboard parts, and wires.
"Cheers mate,” he drawled, frowning a little. It took a few minutes to free the amp but eventually they were settled and ready to play.
“OK so jus’ jump in whenever you feel like it,” 2D instructed. Over the last couple decades, they’d had so many practices and brainstorming sessions that he didn’t feel the need to tell Murdoc what to do. He knew the bassist was more than capable of joining in.
They jammed for a while, stopping and starting to work out the kinks and adjust lyrics here and there. It was almost like before Kong when they were writing their first album, just the two of them. Back then they’d work so well together, like actual mates and 2D felt a rush of happiness at the realization things were close to being like that again.
After a couple hours focusing on one song 2D sat back and stretched. “Thanks, Muds, I think it’s really coming together.”
Murdoc hummed. “You got anything else you’re working on?” 2D shook his head sadly.
“Not really, a lot of what I had went into The Fall so…”
“No worries, we’ve still got the stuff for Humanz in the works anyways,” Murdoc answered, laying El Diablo on the bed and laying back. “I hope Noodle’s out of the hospital and back to normal in time to release the album on time.”
2D felt a flash of annoyance. Was Murdoc really thinking about the album while Noodle was sick? But then he thought back to last night, how Murdoc had just broken down and he took a deep breath.
“Hopefully mate. Lookin’ forward to group practice again,” he said instead of getting angry. Murdoc sighed and closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry I ruined your visit yesterday,” he mumbled eventually. 2D got up and lay beside him on the bed, their feet bumping where they hung over the side.
“It’s ok Murdoc, I understand now. I’m sorry I got so mad.” He toyed with the hem of his shirt idly. “I wasn’t thinkin’ about how that was your first time seein’ her since, or how you felt about it.”
Murdoc shifted and their arms touched lightly. “I didn’t really know either until I was there.”
“But today is better, yeah?” 2D asked, hoping to keep their conversation positive. Murdoc turned his head to Stu and gave a sort of half smile, one tooth poking out. It made 2D want to make high-pitched squealing noises.
“Yeah mate, today’s been pretty good so far,” Murdoc smirked. 2D grinned back and rolled on his side, singing one arm over Murdoc’s waist.
“Wanna make it even better?” Sure he’d wanted to focus on music before, but they were done now and Murdoc was still shirtless, laying in his bed. Who could blame him for having less than pure thoughts?
“Mmmh, what’d you have in mind, Stu-Pot.” 2D was coming to love that nickname, though maybe just from Murdoc. He appreciated it more than ‘dullard’ at least. He thought for a bit before leaping up.
“Take your trousers off, get on the bed proper, an’ turnover,” he instructed, running to the bathroom to find what he was looking for. With a triumphant shout he hurried back to the bedroom to find Murdoc splayed out, his face buried in the pillows.
“What’ve you got in store for me then?” 2D got onto the bed and sat over Murdoc’s ass. The bassist wigged suggestively, but 2D ignore him.
“Jus’ relax Muds.” He took the little bottle of massage oil and poured some on his hands, warming it up. Slowly he lowered his hands to Murdoc’s shoulders and worked the oil over them and down his back. Murdoc shivered a little and looked over his shoulder.
“A massage?” 2D nodded and began to press against clusters of hard muscles, working them in firm concentric circles. “Oh mate… you’re good at this.”
2D felt a little bit of pride and he chuckled. “I’ve had a couple of birds ask me to do it before, so I’ve had lotsa practice.”
“I can tell,” Murdoc sighed, his eyes slipping closed. 2D continued to work the oil in, making sure to target any knots of kinks he felt. Murdoc was putty under his hands, slack and quiet save for the occasional groan. When he’d done what he could with his shoulders, 2D moved further down, pressing against his lower back and barely grazing his arse. The bassist’s hips twitched.
“You like that?” 2D asked, leaning down to whisper in Murdoc’s ear. His answer was a quiet whine and the gentle push of hips against hands. 2D indulged him and lowered his grasp to rub at the soft flesh. “You want more?”
“Yes please,” Murdoc murmured. The singer poured more oil into his hands and spread them liberally over each cheek. He allowed his fingers to dip a little between then, just barely grazing the tender skin between them in a teasing back and forward movement. Murdoc was getting worked up he could tell. He was breathing heavily, eyes screwed shut in pleasure.
“You’re gorgeous like this, you know that Murdoc?” 2D said, allowing his fingers to linger over the bassist's hole for just a moment. “Very handsome.”
“Sod off and fuck me you flatterer,” Murdoc groused, and Stu laughed.
“Who said I was gonna fuck you Muds?” he asked and Murdoc groaned.
“Well your fingers are gettin’ mighty friendly if you aren’t.” Sliding down to sit over Murdoc’s calves he nuzzled the other man’s firm arse, giving it a light bite. Another reason 2D liked giving massages, he’d bought oil that had a nice taste.
Murdoc began shifting again but 2D wasn’t having it. Using his hands to spread him, Stu leaned in a gave one long lick to Murdoc’s entrance. The effect was immediate.
“O-Oh fuck! Fuck yes Stu!” 2D grinned against the sensitive flesh and pressed on, snaking his tongue in and out of the bassist with little teasing flicks. Murdoc was coming absolutely undone under him, thrashing around and making the most debauched sounds. Taking pity on him 2D reached around and grasped the other’s prick, giving it gentle strokes in time with the movements of his tongue.
“Deeeeeeee,” Murdoc keened, his hips trying to both push back against the tongue inside him and the hand giving him rhythmic squeezes in front. The few times they’d fucked 2D had never seen Murdoc so breathless and out of control. It made him want to double down and make the bassist fall apart. In the end, he didn’t have to, because as soon as the thought passed through his mind, Murdoc was coming
“Well that was quick,” Stu teased, wiping his hand off on the comforter. Murdoc responded by raising his middle finger. “Aw don’t be like that.” He crawled up to lay down beside the bassist, a saucy grin on his face.
“Satan D,” he panted. “That felt bloody amazing.”
2D winked. “I do my best.” The other man took a few minutes to catch his breath before turning onto his side.
“D’you want me to…” Murdoc made a crude jerking off motion and 2D shook his head.
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” he replied, snaking his arms around the bassist and pulling him close. Murdoc didn’t resist, in fact he seemed glad to be pulled in. 2D would have never pinned the other for a cuddler, but here they were.
Things were quiet between them for a while. 2D was enjoying the feeling of Murdoc in his arms, of having someone to hold on to. It felt good, being like this. Maybe those TV shows had had the right idea about sex for stress relief or whatever. Murdoc seemed happier at least, so that was good.
“Hey, D?” Murdoc said gently. Stu made a questioning noise but otherwise waited for the bassist to speak up. He sounded a little worried, which made 2D uneasy. “What’s uh, what’s goin’ on with us. Between us, I mean.”
“Whaddaya mean? We’re mates.” A little bit of anxiety crept into his voice as he answered. Today had been good but Murdoc was acting different, more open maybe? And now he was asking weird questions.
“I mean yeah, we’re mates. Best mates! But uh,” Murdoc paused and leaned back a little so he could look at 2D’s face, “you know what nevermind.”
2D felt a sense of relief but also something close to disappointment. Still, he didn’t push for more answers and instead smirked. ‘What did I eat you out so good you can’t think?”
Murdoc’s face went red and he shoved 2D’s chest, hard. “In your dreams, kid. I do need another shower, thanks to you.”
2D laughed, God he’d been doing that a lot today, and rolled off the bed with his hand out. Murdoc took it and let himself be hauled out of the bed. “Alrigh’ I could use one too. Shall we?”
#tw suicide#tw violence#tw car accident#tw DRUGS AND ALCOHOL#2doc#niccalpot#takemetochurchfic#fanfiction
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Nine Worlds - Saturday
Friday found [here]
I got a full night’s sleep! I was still tired but it wasn’t too bad. I think I grabbed a nap at some point between panels but for the life of me I can’t say for sure when. Just that I really needed it. It was also the first day when I sat on or ran a panel.
ALCHEMY AND CHEMISTRY IN SF/FANTASY
This ended up being more about the history of chemistry and alchemy through time with a few examples of how it isn’t done accurately in either SF or Fantasy. Not what I was expecting, to be sure, but I still enjoyed it. I recognised a lot of it from a programme about the history of science and chemistry by Prof Jim Al Khalili on the BBC. The person presenting used to teach Chemistry and thus knew their stuff.
My only concern is that they said they were probably going to take longer than the slot assigned to them willy nilly like. Which. People have to get to things. Thankfully volunteers do pop their head in near the end of the slot if needed and it over ran a bit but not by too much.
Something that is important to note, and that not many realise but the presenter here made sure people knew, is that alchemy and chemistry aren’t that different in many ways. It isn’t like astrology and astronomy. Alchemy is where chemistry came from, like its ancestor, more than anything else, and there was this period of transition where it gradually grew from alchemy into what we realise as the modern day science of chemistry.
HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD APPRECIATION
... behind the scenes footage of the first cast rehearsing the play. Clemmett as Albus and Boyle as Scorpius. Not in costume/wig but look at Albus glomping his best mate. Look!
I went to see this play when it was still new, when we had to keep the secret safe and before the script was published. I loved it. I remember the little girl next to me in utter awe about the stage as we walked in. I remember of the Dementor flying just above my head. The thump that got you in your core as time travel took place. Adoring Scoripus so so much. My heart breaking during the scene with Albus and Scorpius on the stairs, and with the cast at the end when they must let events play out. And I remember learning that a lot of Potter fans weren’t a big fan of the play.
So when I got an e-mail asking if I’d be willing to be on a panel about appreciating Cursed Child? I was all in. And when we were trying to figure out who would mod it I volunteered and so it began.
It was a great panel. Me who had only seen it, not read it. Someone who’d only read it. People who’d done both. People who know a lot about plays and how they work and theatre and the like.
We talked about the legacy of pressure of family, how that impacted Albus and Scorpius, and how there was these two stories - the kids and the adults. How we think it works that the characters aren’t these perfect adults and parents who do no wrong. Harry has a lot of trauma that the others around him don’t and that brushes up against the plot and also the needs Albus himself has. It’s messy and we think it works. There was also a lot of discussion around how it works as a play, how that makes it different from a book and the impact this probably had on reception. Play texts are fundamentally different from traditional prose and this can make it hard for those not used to reading them, who don’t know how to literally read between the lines. And we had huge appreciation for the stage craft from all sides of production.
I’m not turning this into a blow by blow of the panel. But there was a lot of love for the play. And considering this panel was up against the Black Panther panel? I think we did well. I am sad I didn’t get to go to the Black Panther panel but Nine worlds has not yet invented time travel so alas. I had a lot of fun, I hope others did too.
TOP OF THE SFF COPS
...tragically nobody mentioned Odo until I suggested him at the end. So I’m sticking him in here.
This panel is slightly infamous at this point, and going in I had no idea. Whilst I knew there were issues with a separate panel and a serving police officer being placed on it, I didn’t know this one would blow up. So far as I knew there’d been a similar one last year and I’d only heard good things. I also know that I have a lot of privilege being white and despite being queer I pass.... but I’ll go into that in a separate post later. Will post a link here when up.
A lot of genre fiction has police or security type characters in it. From X-Files to Star Trek to Discworld to Alien Nation and way way more. And like many professions who are portrayed on TV or otherwise intersect with it a lot (doctors, archeologists, writers, scientists) a lot of it isn’t done particularly accurately. So a group of people who work in law enforcement in various ways decided to do a session on which characters do their actual job best and in line with actual standards. It was made clear that they were there on a personal basis and not as an on duty or official representative type thing.
They put forth a set of criteria - things like knows the law, exercises discretion, compassion, does the day to day hard work and not just the action stuff and so on. Mulder? Is right out. Scully however was in, and the only character I recognised. So I was mostly went by who sounded the best and it ended up being the guy from Discworld who wont the vote. I don’t know the books well though so who knows. This was literally the entire panel. Still, I can see in retrospect how it would make some people uncomfortable.
It was an okay panel. I wasn’t expecting it to be a big vote thing, and more of a discussion type thing but in hindsight that may have caused more issues.
LET THE PAST DIE: SACRIFICING SACRED COWS IN STAR WARS THE LAST JEDI
This was put into a room far too small for what it needed to be. People were crowding in and it wasn’t great. Not long after it started a volunteer came in and offered up the room across the hall that had way more seating, so we voted on it and unsurprisingly we moved across. This would have been easier for some to do than others but it also have people who needed more space that space whilst letting people in. But it likely caused issues for those who have a harder time moving. I’d had a big dizzy spell on my way to this but seemed to be okay moving.
Part way through I decided to start live tweeting it and you can find that HERE. I’m not really sure what else to add but it was an interesting panel. Lots of talk about letting whiney fanboys whine to themselves, a lot of stuff they keep going on about was also in or also missing from the original trilogy. Nobody explained Palpatine until the prequel trilogy after all. He just turned up as a vague big bad when needed for plot. One panelist wished them the prequel trilogy ‘they deserve’ which amused me.
What I found most interesting though was a note on the green milk scene with Luke. I’ve seen people joke and deride that scene a lot since the movie came out. But one of the panelists, a woman from with roots in Hong Kong, said that it really struck a chord with her in relation to the diaspora. It reminded her of going into Tesco and finally seeing a noodle that isn’t exactly the same but reminds her a lot of something from home. And this was Luke claiming something that reminds him of where he came from even as he’s far away from it. It had honestly never occurred to me but it makes so much sense, and gives that scene a lot more value. I have no idea if the writers did that on purpose or if they did it as the easy joke though.
LAYERS OF MEANING: THE DIMENSIONAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ENGLISH, CHINESE, AND SIGN LANGUAGE
I loved this! This was hosted by a woman who was born in China and whose first language is Mandarin, but moved to Britain as a kid and later in life learnt BSL and now works as a sign language interpreter. She does this for Nine Worlds in various panels, as well as hosting a few sessions relating this to herself. And so she decided to do a panel that talks about her three languages as they’re all very different and go at language in different ways.
It was awesome.
...Mulan is not at all relevant but she is Chinese this is the best gif I could find that is both nerdy and has the writing system talked about in this session. And also, y’know, Mulan.
She isn’t a linguist, which she made sure everyone knew. But I think that made it work. It was also kinda amused because on the front row on one half of the aisle was a native speaker of BSL, and on the front row of the other half was someone who knows Mandarin better and I get the feeling probably came from a different part of the Chinese speaking world. But I’m just assuming there. And the interplay between the three was informative but also amusing.
I kinda knew the general concepts of what she was talking about. Or very vague versions of the concepts anyway. English is phonetic and the letters themselves have no meaning. D implies nothing when used in dog or door etc and it can be polysyllabic. Mandarin is logarithmic, it’s tonal and uses that rather than multiple syllables and it doesn’t have individual letters. The symbol for ‘female, woman’ 女 but as a radical can become a part of words like ‘calm/peace’ 安 which has the radicals for woman and home. Which, being at home is calming so I get that. There are also some not great words with woman as a radical too.
And then there is sign language which doesn’t have just the mouth to speak. It has two hands, your face and your mouth. It takes place in a 3D space and adjectives are often included as part of the word, not separate to it. You can say entire sentences with a gesture, and you pick up on ways of expressing things because they look interesting in the same way you’d vocalise something a certain way because it sounds nice..
It was interesting. I don’t know a lot about language, and anything too technically worded would have lost me. But this didn’t and this was another of my favourite panels this year.
THE POLITICS OF ACTIVISM IN MARVEL COMICS
So I don’t know a lot about the comics. I’ve read a couple Wolverine books but that is about it. But I thought I’d go along and listen cause it seemed interesting. Jaime was hosting it, someone who’d worked on the comics was meant to be there but had to pull and out and so Jaime was left by themselves but... Jaime did a good job.
A lot of the specifics were beyond me. But it seemed to be a common theme that activism within the comics would change the world too much beyond the baseline - a baseline that needed to remain stable. And a fear of how the much vaulted cis het white male would take it I’d imagine though I don’t remember that being touched on a lot.
I did comment at one bit. I tried to do a ‘I only really know the movies so maybe this is stated in-verse’ type of disclaimer and then was given what felt a bit like I’d been shot down with ‘comics only!’ despite others bringing MCU up before including by the mod. If they hadn’t, I’d have said nothing at all. But I may have just been a bit sensitive. In any case, I wondered if perhaps the characters did do things, within the parameters of their non-hero lives. Tony Stark is the CEO of a massive company after all, maybe he funds charities, treats workers well and make sure workers rights are a thing etc, invests responsibly. I dunno. And we just don’t see it much because it isn’t about punching people. I don’t remember a lot of what was said after that as I was too busy berating myself for daring to speak in a comics panel. Note to self, never go to one again, it is not meant for me. The vague idea I had about an X-Men as metaphor panel for next year? Likely wont submit that now.
But it was well moderated. People got a chance to speak, bounce ideas around and I think what I said was taken in as part of that. The session didn’t get stuck on one thing and it flowed through topics and ideas and the like and it was interesting. Except for that one moment I did genuinely enjoy it. Given the last minute alterations due to a key component having to drop out it was very well done.
... why do tumblr gifs all have to be so big?
DR MAGNETHANDS
This is kind of hard to describe, but it was very adult friendly, It had Captain Picard with swearing crashing the moon onto London, and Theresa May as a monster head fighting against a butterfly made out of lamb chops in some kind of anti-Brexit accidental metaphor. Especially as the lamb chop butterfly was a heroic character that Theresa treated as a bad guy. Everyone boo’d her at every turn.
It’s kinda hard to describe in any logical way what this session was like. Drawn off of audience suggestions and participation it’s basically crack fic made manifest.
... giant jellyfish in the sky didn’t happen, but were a distinct possibility.
It was just pure fun really. I laughed a lot, I had a great time, it was awesome.
SEX AT HOGWARTS
Another session that needed a bigger room. I got there pretty early and so had a good seat and then being a tad hyper I decided the room needed mood music. So I searched for romantic music in Spotify and played it. This is whilst the room was mostly empty and I did stop before the session started. Those who could actually hear it seemed amused. Not sure if it was at me or the music. And there were lots of tipsy people around.
We were also graced with Professor McGonagall who visited us and gave us all a good staring at.
Much like the late night panel on Friday, it was a pretty lively discussion with lots of absurdity and very clearly adult only. There was a sensible power point that combined info released after the books about who was dating who, comics and some parodies of what sex ed at Hogwarts might look like. It’s not what I’d have done but given it’s slot it worked out pretty well.
...given the topic, probably best to have a gif of adult characters. Also it’s cute.
There was discussion of what counts as bestiality in a world where all sorts of beings are sentient. I even posited the question that if someone kept up with polyjuice for nine months, could someone usually lacking a uterus become pregnant and give birth? This was laughed down and dismissed as it was meant to. Think it was kinda obvious in how I delivered it that I was being absurd. There was a lot of speculation of what portraits get up to and.... yeah. it was exactly as it sounds.
A lot of fun, and probably nothing teens haven’t heard or thought before but still, a good thing they weren’t there.
I’d have liked to go to bar and play Slash but alas, I was tired so I went to bed. Hoping for sleep and rather sad that the next day would be my last for another year.
[SUNDAY HERE]
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A regular column by an anonymous whistle blower operating deep within the heart of the Social Justice Movement. To protect their identity, they will go under the code-name ‘They/Them’. Wokeyleaks
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Trans activists should chill out By they.
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I know this middle-aged fetishist from New York whose preferred pronouns are ‘they/them’. He’s an heterosexual man whose ‘kink’ is to dominate young girls who act as his sexual and domestic slaves. Essentially his ‘fetish’ is that of a 1950s suburban patriarch and yet somehow he is considered progressive because he wears a bit of latex and identifies as ‘queer’ (a concept now so amorphous that it has become almost meaningless). It is, in a way, an inspired grift and you have to respect the size of his gender-neutral balls for pulling it off. But it is quite astounding that Wokies are so blinded by dogma that they cannot even spot good old fashioned male chauvinism when it’s decorated with a couple of fancy buzzwords.
So far so consensual. Much more worrying is the willful blindness of Wokies in relation to transgender inmates (many with rape convictions) housed in women’s prisons who, according to official figures in the UK, are five times more likely to perpetrate sexual assaults (these stats do not include prisoners born male who have already legally changed sex).
Meanwhile in our office spaces, which were only recently liberated from restrictive gender roles, employees are now encouraged to state both their role and their gender at the end of every email. We have had many Wokeyleaks on our encrypted email address from employees at major corporations and institutions such as Deloitte, Trimble and even GCHQ saying that they feel pressure from colleagues and HR departments to add their preferred pronouns to their email signatures. It’s touching that cisgender people want to demonstrate solidarity with their transgender colleagues, but in our efforts to be more open-minded about how we define gender we have, paradoxically, become obsessed with defining gender.
Moreover, non-gender specific pronouns can make it nerve-wracking and difficult to conjugate sentences, as I discovered while in conversation with the record label of the singer Sam Smith who identifies as ‘they/them’. I can’t go into specifics (or I might identify myself), but suffice it to say that the sentence ‘they’re obsessed with their music’ doesn’t immediately make it apparent whether you are inferring that a) Sam Smith’s backing musicians are massive fans of the pop star’s oeuvre or b) that Sam Smith smugly adores the sound of their own voice. Needless to say, I intended to convey the former, though no doubt the latter is also true.
Many social-justice warriors (SJWs) reading this criticism would no doubt label me some kind of transphobe, which, if true, would mean it were possible to unconsciously hate trans people while consciously feeling great compassion and respect for them and believing that they deserve every single right, freedom and opportunity at the pursuit of happiness. This seems incongruous, but the surreal irony of the Trans/TERF (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist) War is that no one apart from a few consecrated clerics fully understands what the argument is about and yet everybody is obliged to pick sides nonetheless. I know many people that now refer to J.K. Rowling as a ‘transphobe’ but would be completely unable to explain what she said that was transphobic. If you were to list the three most baffling disputes in history in order of pointlessness, it would have to go: 1. Trans/TERF, 2. Catholic/Protestant, 3. Sunni/Shia.
While most people couldn’t care less if you prefer to spell it ‘womxn’ or ‘woman’, whether you believe church wine is the actual blood of Christ or more of a metaphor, or if you think Abu or Ali was Mohammed’s favorite intern, a small number of fanatics are always ready to seek out heretics, rip each other to pieces and theatrically perform their own martyrdom for the crowd. Guys! If it’s this hard to work out what the disagreement is, then maybe you’re all singing from the same hymn sheet. I apologize — him/her/them sheet.
Say what you want about the Spanish Inquisition, but the Inquisitor General didn’t consider it heretical to question the existence of God, as long as you weren’t too pertinacious about it when you got the answer. Not so in 2021, as we saw the other day when the gay Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and civil rights lawyer Glenn Greenwald was labeled a transphobe in a torrent of abuse that saw his name trending on Twitter for best part of a day. His crime — having the audacity to ask a question about transgenderism. Greenwald tweeted a survey showing a recent explosion in the number of people identifying as trans. So big was the increase that there are now more millennials and Gen Zs that identify as trans than do as lesbian. Greenwald referenced an article by the lesbian podcast host Katie Herzog in which she asked whether the recent disappearance of lesbian culture might be partly due to society increasingly encouraging more masculine girls to transition.
This seems a legitimate question. Popular culture has done an excellent job of celebrating hyper-feminine gay men and trans women with incredibly successful shows like RuPaul’s Drag Race, but I struggle to think of many butch lesbians or manly trans men that are celebrated in the same way. The iconic name that does immediately spring to mind is Martina Navratilova who overcame years of sports fans sniggering at her masculine appearance to become one of the most successful tennis players ever…only to be canceled by trans activists when she had the audacity to, you guessed it, ask a question. Martina’s heresy was to query the fairness of a preoperative trans cyclist Veronica Ivy being allowed to so comprehensively dominate her female competitors in the sport. The response from trans activists, including Ivy herself, was to ruthlessly attack Martina online as a bigot, even after she removed her tweet, apologized and swore an oath of silence.
This woke requirement of unconditional faith makes actual religious types like Sen. Rand Paul look positively progressive by comparison. When Paul recently asked Rachel Levine, Biden’s pick for assistant health secretary, whether she supported permitting the government to override a parent’s consent to give a child puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and amputation surgery of breasts and genitalia, Dr Levine refused to answer twice. The subsequent reaction in the liberal press was to condemn Paul’s ‘transphobic attack’ and completely ignore Dr Levine’s worrying refusal to answer what is presumably quite an important question (and at a Senate hearing no less). I believe in and have voted and campaigned for the rights of trans people, but it deeply concerns me that we’re so afraid of causing offense with a question that we cannot even discuss the potential risks of irreversible gender surgery posed to children.
As a lefty I agree with Rand Paul on almost nothing. I’m guessing he’s not an enthusiastic supporter of trans folks’ right to choose their sex — which is perhaps why he couched his questioning in incendiary rhetoric involving genital mutilation — but it’s a bit rich for trans activists to complain about the tone when they’ve pretty much alienated any supportive but circumspect ally who might have asked the question nicely.
Leak your culture war stories anonymously to [email protected]. Follow us on Twitter at @wearewokeyleaks.
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Lovely Good Omens fandom! Many of you have asked for/mentioned having a text version of the Yelp reviews, which if I were a better person I would have remembered to include in the first place. Better late than never? So here’s a version below and I also threw this up on AO3 so there are options. For the record, I’m not at all trained in transcribing visual media, so if anyone wants to add to/edit/do whatever to this post, especially to make it more accessible, you have carte blanche to do so 👍
Also I typed this up in a hurry so, as always, apologies for any typos.
Tagging: @lethargicdolphin, @marithlizard, @pearwaldorf
A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Unusual Books
Recommended Reviews
Lindsay F.
London, United Kingdom
71 friends
3000 reviews
9874 photos
So I slipped into this place because I spotted my ex across the street and would have rather chugged a cocktail of bleach, lighter fluid, and a condensed solution of all my middle school years then talk to that asshole. Owner was on me the second I walked through the door and I thought he was gonna be one of those ‘Either buy something or get out’ types. Nah. I spilled the story, said I really wasn’t looking to purchase anything, and he LIT UP like nobody’s business. He gave me tea and promised I’d never run into my ex again. Which is a super sketchy promise on its own and also should have been hilarious coming from a guy a century behind in style.
...Kinda believed him though.
Marina G.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
33 reviews
48 photos
Pretty sure this guy wants a library, not a bookshop. I mean, he’s nice and all when you first come in, but trying to actually buy a book? Good fucking luck. He’s too busy to see you right now (for the record he’s super bad at pretending to be busy). Or claims that this book has already been put on reserve (then why wasn’t it in the reserve pile...?). Or the price suddenly jumped an obscene amount. Or he just straight up hems and haws until you get fed up and leave. I watched him pull a novel straight out of a woman’s hands once when she claimed that price was no object and she wouldn’t be leaving the store until she’d purchased it. You’d think she was trying to kidnap one of the guy’s kids!
So yeah. Feel like popping in to browse, maybe take pictures for your research, all while making quiet conversation with someone who quite frankly knows his stuff? This is the place for you. Want to actually buy something? Go elsewhere. Pretty sure Fell doesn’t even own a cash register. At least I’ve never seen one.
He wants a library and I’d honestly tell him as much if he didn’t scare me just a little bit...
Aaron S.
New York, NY
68 friends
212 reviews
337 photos
I stayed here for three days once. Found a bathroom off the romance section and a chair hidden away in the back. Way comfier than my mattress at home. Mostly played iPhone games and kept real quiet at night. Experiment ended when I popped out for breakfast and didn’t make it back before a random 10:00am closing. Don’t think the owner ever realized what was up.
Hana S.
London, United Kingdom
112 friends
115 reviews
208 photos
I really love this place. I’ve been coming here since I moved to London, about twelve years ago, and it’s one of the most soothing bookstores I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. Yeah, you hear talk of weird things going on at Fell’s, but really? We could all do with a bit more quirky in our lives. And Fell provides that in spades: Annual plants that never seem to wither, let alone die. The smell of incense mixing with cocoa. Strange books tucked horizontally into the shelves, feeling like they have a touch of magic to them. Nonsensical conversations taking place in dark corners (I’m talking candid chats about the apocalypse and whether angels could actually bless all the rains down in Africa. I swear Fell and his boyfriend are the religion Mythbusters or something.) I’m going to sound like a total nerd here for a moment, but it feels like some sort of liminal space. You know when you were a kid and you were just desperate to receive your Hogwarts letter? Or find your own wardrobe to Narnia? That’s what walking into Fell’s feels like. Like you’ve finally found that portal and can stay as long as you like, provided you don’t try to take anything back with you into the ‘real’ world. Hell, maybe that’s why he won’t let anyone buy his books.
Robert T.
Union City, CA
4 friends
26 reviews
3 photos
There’s a snake?? In this shop?? A reALLY MASSIVE SNAKE????? What are y’all doing talkin’ about your meet cutes and shit someone call pest control!
Malini D.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
48 reviews
99 photos
I’m not gonna pretend I have anything to say about whether this is a good bookstore or not, but if you ever want knitting help you should definitely stop by. Mr. Fell knows an absurd amount about crafts for a guy who looks like my grandpa and he’s now replaced Youtube as my go-to for alleviating “Omg please fix this how the hell did I manage to reverse the pattern??” panic. For the record, I didn’t just wander up to a random bookseller one day and demand that he help me salvage the ruins of my first sweater. I’d taken a seat inside to wait out a storm, had my messy sleeve stuffed into my purse, and he’d offered the help. Bit of a bastard about things like gauge and color--not everyone wants to wear tartan, dude--but you get used to that. He means well. Said I should come back to show him the finished piece, which I did. Things just kind of spiraled from there. He’s an absolute treasure trove of knowledge once you get him talking and a muffin to boot. If he were twenty years younger and in any way straight I would have asked him out in a heartbeat. As it is I’m considering setting him up with Grandpa.
Tiffany L.
London, United Kingdom
132 friends
312 reviews
34 photos
I’m not really a book person myself but I followed my wife in with our seventh-month old and was kinda embarrassed when he started making a fuss. Normally I’m full Badass Mom mode while in public--I’ve got a kid to feed, change, sooth, and you all can damn well deal with it--but this place was so quiet Liam seemed extra loud in comparison. I was about to take him back out when a man appeared out of nowhere. The owner I guess, based on how some of these other reviews describe him. Older gentleman with clothes out of some period piece. Anyway, he scoops Liam into his arms like he was born for it and started bouncing. Our fussy, temperamental, drama queen Liam settled in an instant and my wife got to browse to her heart’s content. I don’t know how he did it, but that man is an absolute angel. Full stars for that moment alone.
Gillian L.
The Hague, The Netherlands
283 friends
256 reviews
60 photos
Anyone know if the old Bentley parked out front is for sale?
Update: It’s really, really, really not
Billy H.
Austen, TX
40 friends
2073 reviews
774 photos
QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS SO MANY QUEER BOOKS!!!
Gabriela G.
London, United Kingdom
3 friends
22 reviews
1 photos
Run by this delightfully frumpy guy who sometimes hands out biscuits from a sewing tin like my gran used to. He asked me if I was looking for anything in particular and I told him my name was Jared, I was 19, but sadly I’d never learned how to read. I have NEVER seen a man more confused in my life. 10/10 would meme him again.
Colie A.
Enola, PA
201 friends
2778 reviews
10382 photos
I’m setting the record straight here since there are a bunch of reviews claiming it’s just London folklore: there is a snake at A.Z. Fell’s. Must be an exotic pet he usually keeps upstairs because I’ve only ever seen it twice. Is it big? Yes. Scary? Fuck yes, but I’ve never seen it do anything more than give a warning hiss at this drunk who wandered in and started yelling. (Are snakes good guard dogs? This one is.) The other time he was just chilling on top of one of the shelves. Snoozing, I guess. I asked Mr. Fell if I could pet him and he said maybe after he woke up, but then I had to get to class and all.
Afraid of snakes? Steer clear. Otherwise I’d really recommend popping in and seeing if he’s around. Idk, maybe I’m just a snake fan but he looks super sweet and chill. Life is short. Boop the snake snoot.
Jeremy W.
London, United Kingdom
86 friends
409 reviews
12 photos
I live down the street from A.Z. Fell’s and let me tell you, this place is spooky as fuck. All sorts of weird lights and noises coming from it. At all times of the day and night too. Either this bowtie wearing bookworm has one crazy sex life or the place is haunted. Jury’s out on which.
Heather Ki.
London, United Kingdom
0 friends
3852 reviews
1 photos
This shop smells. Not that old book smell either, oh no, but like something is molding. I took my little Johnny in here to try and get him interested in something other than those damned video games and I walk into what smells like a whole cloud of toxic mold! My boy has a weak constitution as it is and if he comes down with anything I will be pressing charges, you mark my words.
Jo. W.
London, United Kingdom
32 friends
410 reviews
61 photos
Hey, does anyone want to talk about the fact that this place burned down last month? As in, completely up in flames, I saw it happen, nothing but a smoking husk afterwards? Does no one else remember this??
Tiggi N.
London, United Kingdom
32 friends
33 reviews
24 photos
Has anyone read this guy’s opening hours? I included a photo above: “I open the shop on most days about 9:30AM perhaps 10:AM. While occasionally I have opened the shop as early as 8, I have been known not to open until 1.” Absolutely insane. This guy’s a madman and I love him. If anyone actually manages to get into this place please let me know because I need to shake Fell’s hand.
Mackenzie J.
City Centre, Manchester, United Kingdom
807 friends
2592 reviews
13218 photos
I told my girlfriend this shop’s got a snake named Anthony and she didn’t believe me. Going back for proof next week.
Update: got the snake selfie!!!!!!!!
Penny O.
Chicago, IL
87 friends
557 reviews
16 photos
Caught the owner snogging some hot twink behind the cookbooks. Well done, my dude.
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I am home
A story by Sid
[After learning of the shooting of his greatest rival’s father, Reggie Mantle reflects on his history with the Andrews family. Warning for heavy profanity, references to teen bullying and child abuse.]
I think one of the earliest memories that I still have an actual picture of in my head is waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, totally spooked with this feeling like I just knew that I wasn't home in my own bed anymore. I rolled over to my left and saw little Archie Andrews sleeping next to me. And even though I was in my own bed when I'd passed out on a stomach full of Pringles earlier, there wasn't much of an explanation necessary for why I was here now. I knew my mom left again and I knew my dad went off to go find her, leaving me with the Andrews like he always did. It was so normal that no one had even bothered to wake me up, expecting me to just be cool with it when I opened my eyes and saw the ginger dweeb drooling on me in his fucking Sailor Moon PJs; the little queer.
And Archie looked so peaceful sound asleep in his bed that night; an a-doooo-rable smile on his freakish pale freak face, knowing that he was in his own house with a mom and dad who loved him. It pissed me off, so I kicked the kid off his own bed and took all of the blanket for myself, setting into motion a relationship that at its core is about me wanting everything that he has. Fred rushed upstairs to the sound of his son crying. My eyes were squeezed shut pretending to be asleep, but I heard the man sigh and ask me why I did it.
"Because," I countered, wanting to leave it at that but hearing myself continue: "I want to go home."
"I told you before, Reggie," Fred would retort while scooping Archie into his arms and leaving the room with his son, letting me have the whole bed. "When you're here, you are home."
"Jesus Christ, Reg," Fred would say to me years later when I was 11, catching me hopping over his fence in the middle of night. "Why aren't you home?"
Dude damn near blinded me with the flashlight in his left hand, but at least he saw me before he used the baseball bat in his right. Two things sucked about that light in my face. One was that it was fucking obnoxious and the second was that he had a perfect view of my super cool black eye. I could tell he immediately regretted asking me the question, sighing like he did that night I kicked Archie out of bed.
"Uh, because when I'm here I am home?" I answered brightly with my most endearing boyish smile, picking myself up off the grass after a nasty fall off the fence.
Fred nodded. Archie was sleeping over at Jughead's that night, which was cool for me because that meant Jughead wasn't here and there was actually going to be food in the fridge. We stayed up for awhile watching a Married with Children marathon on FX, and I remember him trying not to laugh at the sexist shit coming out of Al Bundy's mouth to set an example, while I laughed enough for the both of us and to my total embarrassment murmured the words "I wish you were my dad" while drifting off to sleep.
When I was 14, I hit this movie perfect home run in my first high school baseball game.
"Holy mackerel!" the announcer screamed hysterically while I oh-so smugly ran the bases, soaking in the cheers and adulation. "Let's hear it for MANTLE THE MAGNIFICENT!"
A legend was born. And don't think I'm exaggerating how epic and sexy that shit was, either. It was at that moment, watching me, that sweet innocent Betty Cooper had her first orgasm on the spot, and our ex music teacher realized that she has a thing for underage boys, and Kevin Keller finally accepted that he's into dudes. I was a sight to behold, and everyone was beholding except for...
"Dad!" I whined indignantly, pointlessly, into the stands, watching my stupid idiot father being oblivious to the whole thing while trying to make a move on that adolescent dick garage Miss Grundy. "OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME."
"Good job, son," another voice called out to me.
"Thanks, Mr. Andrews," I said while dejectedly walking back to the bench. Another black eye on my night and another save from Super Riverdad, just like when I was 11.
When I was 17 -- when Blossom's murder was totally trending on Twitter -- I knocked Archie out in the student lounge for having the audacity to stick up for his budding serial killer of a best friend -- my favorite victim -- after I so accurately pointed out that Jughead is exactly the kind of loner loserfreak who lies in bed at night writing weird first person fanfic on tumblr and ends up snapping. “Ho-ly crap. Did you and Donnie Darko kill him together? Was it some sort of pervy blood brother thing?”
"Aren't we a little old to be getting into unnecessary fist fights with our friends to impress our other, less important friends?" Fred asked me the next day outside of Pop's, catching me and the boys on the way in while he was on his way out with his usual order.
".. Aren't 'we' a little old, period?" I quipped back with a grin so cocky that my reflection in the window almost made me want to knock my own lights out. Mostly, I was just trying to make Chuck and Moose laugh; trying to impress, just like Fred guessed. By then, I had fully become Reggie Mantle: the Lord of the Douche Flies. I may have still had love for the old man, but I sure as fuck was not going to let myself be lectured by someone else's dad in front of my crew. I respect no one and everyone is temporary.
Mr. Andrews, rock star that he is, responded with a tight-lipped smile and a look in his eyes that said I see right through your shit, Mantle.
"I know you feel like you have to be this person now, Reggie, but I know you. You're not your dad. You're better than this."
For some reason, that just really fucking set me off. I was straight up triggered like Cooper going through Archie's phone text history.
"Well," I began full of acid, tilting my head to a side and smirking coldly. "Maybe it won't be so bad, being like my dad. Where do you think I learned to hit so hard? Thanks for the wisdom or whatever, but you're not my father. I don't give a fuck about you."
yo did you hear about Archie's dad - Moose Mason
MR. ANDREWS GOT SHOT - Fangs Fogarty
Kind of awkward because your last text was an unsolicited dick pic, but Archie's dad got shot. We're at the hospital. I thought you and the team should know and come support him. - Veronica Lodge
Archie's dad got shot. Archie's dad got shot. Archie's dad got shot.
Fred got shot.
Mr. Andrews got shot.
My friend's dad got shot.
My friend got shot.
Different versions of it replayed in my head. I tried to let go of it and just be numb for awhile, but every time I was close to succeeding, the words ricocheted off the wall and hit me all over again. I sat in my seat in the designated Bulldogs corner of the waiting room, head buried in my hands and hoping no one heard the little sniffles that it took me awhile to realize I was making.
I remembered those last words I said to him.
You're not my father. I don't give a fuck about you.
"Bulldogs are here for you," I told Archie with my hand on his shoulder, and in hindsight it was the lamest fucking thing to say ever. Like a close second to if I had asked him if he was okay. What I said didn't matter, though. Neither did how much me and him had drifted apart these past few years. All the crappy things I said and did. The fight. Competing with each other over every possible thing.
We were instantly as close of friends -- brothers -- as we'd ever been. Archie let me back in without a second thought, because that's what families did. I was here with the Andrews in this fight, and when I’m here I’m home.
- R.M.
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“Bad Religion” by Frank Ocean (2012)
I’ve had hundreds if not thousands of crushes over the year. Hell, I can think of four or five people I’m crushing on this very second*. But I’ve only been in love two times in my life. Or at least “in love” relative to what I now know as “being in love.”
The first time this happened was with someone we’ll call D**. I met D on OkCupid six or seven years ago; about halfway through my time in Boston. Our first date was pretty low key. We went to a BBQ restaurant, talked about music (he loved Phish--and I didn’t hold it against him), and his work (he was a high school principal at the time, but had previously criss-crossed the country in a covered wagon to teach kids and he was a published author!) At the end of the date, as I was walking him to his car, we stopped at a pet store and hung out with the dogs and cats for a bit.
Strangely, we barely spoke for months after what I thought was a good day. I called him for a second date and he mentioned something about being sick. Knowing what I know now about him, he was probab...definitely lying. I carried a torch for several months until I wound up moving into the same neighborhood he lived in. This move was 99% coincidental...I can’t say that the thought of potentially running into him on a more regular basis didn’t cross my mind. And guess what happened? I began to run into D on a much more regular basis. He frequented the diner I lived across the street from. I’d pop in and he’d be sitting at a table. We’d say “hi” to one another and promise to hang out soon.
Within a few weeks, we were officially hang out buddies. We’d get together once a week or so. I took him to a Trey Anastasio show (the things I do for love.) Maybe six weeks after we started hanging, he was let go from his job, and our hangs increased to every other day or so. We developed a routine: I’d finish up work for the day, he’d come over, we’d smoke a joint, cuddle up on the sofa, talk, and watch Law & Order: SVU reruns for 3 or 4 hours. He’d then head home.
We fooled around a few times, but only actually slept together once, in the middle of our weird courtship. It didn’t go well (which is at least one reason it didn’t happen a second time(. We were both dealing with major anxiety and depression issues that led to both of us being hospitalized (separately) during our time as whatever we were. He was struggling to find a job. He also had something of a drug dependency (and I’m not talking about just weed). Even with that, though, we had fun, and believe it or not, it was the most functional relationship I’d ever had to that point even though he stopped short of calling it an actual relationship. When I went home for Christmas, I entrusted him with the keys to my apartment so he could watch my cat. When I got back to Boston, he’d made food for me and left it in the fridge. We’d get dressed up in button-downs and sport coats and go to fancy brunch. We paid thirty bucks each to see This Is The End in a deluxe theater where we ate chicken fingers and drank beer. We dropped acid together (the first and only time for me as I write this.) and I played with the hair on his arm while he laughed. He talked about me to his mom (although not in a romantic sense). He was responsible for my coming out to my folks. But what me and D had was some weird funhouse mirror kind of relationship. It wanted to be a “real” relationship. I wanted it to be one, and I think there was a part of him that wanted one too--he’d often speak about how we were “soul mates” or “kindred spirits”. He loved me, and maybe even loved me the way I loved him. I’m not totally sure whether that was the case. At any rate, distance put a cramp on whatever it was we had. About a year to the day after we started hanging out regularly, he moved about 2 hours West, having finally started another job. We haven’t seen each other since.
This unrequited love, to me it's nothing but a one-man cult...
And cyanide in my Styrofoam cup.
I can never make him love me
Never make him love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love
I may have been in love, but I wasn’t dumb. The writing was on the wall with D, and I didn’t stop trolling dating sites looking for something less complicated. I hadn’t yet fully come to terms with the idea that you could actually successfully love more than one person at a time. Anyhow, I soon began a friendship with someone we’ll call A.** A lived further out in Northern Mass, with his wife and kid. He and his wife were in an open relationship and she knew he was actively bisexual. Our “courtship”, if you could call it that, was long and drawn out, and we didn’t meet in person for probably a year after we began conversing. It was all over e-mail, text and Twitter. By this time, his wife was pregnant with their second child and the relationship was closed (by her, not with his consent). He came over to my apartment one night after his Uber shift was over the first time we managed to see one another in person. A few weeks later, I took the train out to his summer rental out in the sticks. I met his wife. And his kids. And his parents. It felt...not so weird that it was uncomfortable. But definitely weird.
The weird face-to-face meetings didn’t push me away. They may have actually drawn me closer. I’m going to leave out a few things in the interests of discretion because I still think very fondly of A and I don’t think this story has wrapped up yet. In the time since those first couple of meetings, we’ve seen each other periodically (every few months or so), and I think we’ve both come to realize that our connection (just by virtue of having lasted for three or four years now) is more than a “hook-up” connection. I mean, the sexual tension is thick as hell, but there’s much more beneath the surface. And we’ve both acknowledged this with alternating amounts of hopelessness and regret.
This connection has led to some uncomfortable breaks in the friendship, because I think we both realize that we can’t be in one anothers’ lives the way we want to be and we have trouble trying to figure out how we can get past that without making a clean break. So I don’t know whether this love we both feel is unrequited more than it is unresolved.
With D, there was a “kindred spirit/soul mate” (his words, not mine) connection that didn’t resolve itself for reasons I’m still not quite certain of. With A, there’s a “kindred spirit/soul mate” (this time my words) connection that distance and circumstance makes difficult to manifest. In both cases, I’m not getting what I want and have felt/am feeling deeply hurt because of it.
Earlier this year, I went to see A as his job at the time necessitated that he come to NYC a few times a week. As all of our face to face meetings are, this one was equal parts warm and awkward. We sat for about an hour and talked. He admitted that he had trouble listening to the podcast I occasionally contribute to (a recurring topic is open relationships/polyamory). He called it a “trigger”. Giving it some thought, I realized that his presence was actually a trigger for memories of a lifetime of unsuccessful/unattainable relationships. I also realized that, in a best case scenario, it was going to be years before I got anything even vaguely resembling the type of relationship I wanted from him (or we maybe want from another? I don’t really know.)
The exchange put me in a bit of a spiral. We both smiled as we took a photo together for Instagram, but I was in tears as I walked back to my office.
Taxi driver
I swear I've got three lives
Balanced on my head like steak knives
I can't tell you the truth about my disguise
I can't trust no one
When D and I were hanging out regularly, he told me on several occasions that he wasn’t comfortable being out and that was one reason that our relationship couldn’t go to that next level. The last time he and I spoke, he’d mentioned that he was now in a relationship-with a guy. Via e-mail, I said that being aware of this development bothered me enough that I thought it would be good if we cut off all communication going forward. His response was “you mean good for you.” However, after that exchange with A, something compelled me to log onto Facebook and see what D was up to. As it turns out, he got engaged...to the same guy.
I felt defeated, destroyed, robbed...I don’t even think those words together actually describe the hopelessness I felt at that moment. I stared at my computer screen, immobile and slack-jawed. My boss, who sat across from me at the time (we were back to back) walked over to my desk. I think he’d been calling me and I wasn’t responding. He looked at me and noticed that I had tears streaming down my face.
It's a bad religion
To be in love with someone
Who could never love you
Only bad, only bad religion
Could have me feeling the way I do
For the next week or so, I played “Bad Religion” religiously, sometimes 3 or 4 times in a row. While I think both D and A loved me (and in A’s case, actively loves me), there’s a finality or limit to these relationships that could’ve changed if circumstances were different. It’s one thing, as a queer man, to develop crushes on straight guys. Somewhere in the back of your mind, there’s an awareness that this is never going to go anywhere (unless it does, which is a mindfuck we’re gonna need to dedicate to a while other song.) However, when those feelings are, to some extent, mutual; not being able to make them work is life-altering. At least it’s been for me. And maybe for Frank too. I don’t think a song like this could’ve been made if not.
*-conservative estimate
**-because that is his first initial.
Four-star songs between “Bad Girls” & “Bad Religion”: “Bad Girls” (Verdine Version) (Solange, 2012) | “Bad Habits” (Maxwell, 2009) | “Bad Luck” (Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes, 1975) | “Bad Medicine” (Bon Jovi, 1988) | “Bad Moon Rising” (Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1969) | “Bad Of The Heart” (George LaMond, 1990)
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