why is it that every person (and i mean EVERY person without exception) has an urge to call me by my name in diminutive form.

at first i thought just some ppl were weird and yucky but now that i've been interacting with way more ppl, it's clearly a pattern and it definitely happens bc of me and not bc some ppl just want to act like they're over-the-top friendly. is my autism showing??? is it my sincerity?? what is it?????

i hate it so much for some reason although ik majority of ppl are kind and have good intentions but i hate that it's a pattern and that it's how i appear to the public (apparently u_u) i still dont understand what about me makes ppl do that?????? is it that i look pitiful??? what is it?? should i just ask someone that calls me like that, i'm so sick of this

(all questions rhetorical of course)

Can I ask what makes Arlecchino evil? I'm v much a villain enjoyer and like some morally greyness, but I genuinely didn't pick up on a lot of bad stuff with Arlecchino. She was super helpful during Fontaine and seemed to be the only powerful person who cared about helping the common folk when the water levels were rising.

I'm not here to start an argument, just wanna expand my view 🙏

dw didnt think u want to argue! i will also use this to say i wont tolerate arguments, this goes for everyone here

i will talk about sensitive themes under the cut (mentions of when i was groomed/emotionally abused by my adoptive father/mentions of abuse/grooming in general) so if someones not good with this, be warned please and dont click for your emotional comfort.

i really love arlecchino (theres also difficult, personal reasons ig) and id rather wait for her to arrive to get more information than we have so far through other characters/side quests/main quest but well.

her goals aligned with ours in the fontaine quest which is why we have the impression shes a good/nice person, especially considering our other meetings with the harbingers we met so far (signora, childe, scara, dottore) and the situations. shes very calm and diplomatic (lets see how it changes in the next update when we fight her)

but we shouldnt forget how the travellers on their toes the entire time/everytime they come in contact with arle. its because shes a harbinger after all. shes a danger. her graceful politeness and calmness is supposed to have you on guard, make your hairs rise. shes mentioned to be manipulative and shes manipulating others to achieve what she wants by being nice and calm. she has ulterior motives. we should be careful. this is my impression based on my own gaming experience and idk if it was the same w others, but bc of us being on guard around her i was always prepared for her to turn on us until the end of the main quest.

anw, arle is supposed to be intimidating and have you wary. even tho she comes off as nice and polite, having done good and helped in the main story. its bc thats what she wanted and you happened to have the same goal. also lets not forget scaras and childes thoughts about her which already tells a lot

she has two sides. the one we saw in the quest, the graceful, calm, polite face to get what she wants. and the other, the one scara and childe talk about here, the one they call "crazy"

not to mention her codename, "the knave". what does it mean? servant. what else does it mean? "dishonest/deceitful man". basically, swindler. isnt it perfect?

shes manipulative and whatever her "true" nature is, we dont know (yet). she may have "good intentions" here or there but will achieve them no matter what it takes.

as for the thing you can consider as bad; the house of the hearth is an orphanage that raises children into fatui agents. only those who have potential join the ranks while the others are kept close (its not known whats done with them afaik). theyre basically grooming/raising child soldiers/spies.

before the sensitive stuff comes up, for the ppl who dont want to proceed, arlecchino fools/manipulates you into thinking shes a nice person/good parent. its amazing and so in character for her. its also scary how some ppl cant see the abuse/manipulation unless you went through this too or well. just actually read and realize it.

arlecchino is an emotionally manipulative parental figure. now, this is coming from someone who went through heavy abuse/was groomed by their adoptive father who was extremely manipulative and i spot so many things very well known to me. others who went through the same get this feeling. these signs you immediately recognize.

you get punished for the tiniest mistakes and when you get loved, it makes you forget all that was done to you, just for that tiny bit of affection you crave. you try to do your best, to do everything asked and expected of you, not to disappoint the only parent you have and youre dependent on, to be a good kid deserving of love and when you slip up youre in shambles. there was a time i did a tiny mistake by accident and my father said to me in the coldest voice "you broke my trust" and i remember so vividly how it broke me, how i cried until i got sick. i was physically abused before and none of it hurt me more than this. it still gets to me after all those years. emotional manipulation is cruel

what im trying to say is, she came in a time of need. taken as a savior while it just is one abuser swapped out with another. like my adoptive father having me dependent, giving me love i never received and being everything i wanted, making me believe hes everything i need, a common thing abusers do. wanting to do everything youre asked of and do it good, the fear of disappointing and being punished, believing you deserved it bc its your fault and treating your abuser like a savior, being conditioned. this is whats happening.

now, arle genuinely loves and protects her children; its very clear that the life of the children matter to her the most (look at childes line and freminet/lynette etc) - she was one of them too after all. so, its possible to love and still do these. moral greyness etcetc

anyway idk if its understandable or if i can explain it in proper words while maintaining a good distance so ill add the voicelines of the siblings heavily implying this, and also a tweet adressing this that brings it to proper words, better than i can say

tweet here bc tmblr doesnt insert the link properly

ooohh that ask game has some interesting questions hmm how abt 16, 18, and 23?

i am realizing just how much this ask game is making me bare my soul goshhh (/not srs), thanks for sending me an ask, bibi!

16. What makes you immediately close a fic that otherwise seemed good?

hm...well, most of the time i try to stick it out even if i'm not enjoying the fic from the first few sentences. like, maybe it's just me but a lot of the first words of a fic tends to be the (for lack of a better word) "the gunk" that precedes the actual story? like some stories just have slow starts, but they do get gud.

but to answer the q, i guess stuff that makes me roll my eyes at a fic, in the context of x readers would probably have to be:

disclaimer: most of the time, i don't mind reading these. but there are just moments where they bother me as i'm reading

reader getting carried bridal style (i dont like it, i hate it. id rather be carried like a sack of potatoes. or id rather be carried like a goat by its shepherd. but i do like seeing characters getting princess-carried) just carry me like this instead 🤧🤧👇

royalty AU++CEO/office/corporate-setting AU (like secret princess of a kingdom or being a secretary, for example) i'm not a big fan of those kinds of settings. like ok sure a chara can look good in business formal or in some fine furs, but once the eye candy wears off thats when i exit the fic oops.

fics centered around marriage: i don't really enjoy reading proposals. also thinking of how the rings, the dresses, and the flowers look is hard bcs of my (partial?) aphantasia, but weddings Are Pretty Fun as a background setting. overall, i think what bothers me most is that the chara loses a bit of their personality after they get wed together with the reader.

^^actually in relation to this... im not that big of a fan of prom/dance settings, they both read very similarly, especially since the reader tends to be placed in the more passive role of being asked out. (but when you make it angsty or hurt/comfort, ok i will read it i'm a simple girl)

Oh and ig this is just me wishing for more in the Imposter-SAGAU genre of fanfic (i mean i'm still looking around, i don't feel desperate enough to write smth of my own), but i kinda wish the charas weren't so doe-eyed and quick to apologize to the reader. like, i get the feeling of wanting to write The Good Bits Immediately (e.g. being fawned over, getting to lord that blunder over the characters) but the potential of slowburn trauma recovery and developing a relationship from straight-up antagonism is Right There.

18. What media do you want to get into because of artists/writers you like?

i think i'd want to try reading more poetry? like, if i rb a lot of web weaving, i gotta know sumn other than "deep" pop lyrics (u wont find me saying nice things about ms sw*ft). so far i'm thinking of starting with ocean vuong and richard siken (basic ik but i mean, their works are good)

dunmeshi! i've been putting it off for forever 🙈🙈 (<-girlie watched frieren and forgor abt dunmeshi bcs they got yorushika to do the 2nd OP) but senshi,,,, SENSHI THE MAN THAT U ARE,,,,

Oh! and i'm rlly curious about alien stage! my sibling's dipping into it and he told me it was basically america's got talent x the promised neverland. and he said the magic words "toxic yaoi" and "doomed yuri," i Gotta watch it atp. (also like, carole and tuesday rearranged my brain, im ready to put a sadder spin on it😤)

23. What would you make a 5 hour video essay on, if you had enough time and motivation?

as soon as i read this all my hyperfixations have: left the server HAHAHA

maybe in terms of recent ones, i could try analyzing madds buckley's my love is sick. i wrote about that album for a final paper in a basic music elective, but i was constrained to only 3 pages so i only talked about 2-3 songs. but i could pretend to be a music major and regale ppl with how the leitmotifs tie together and completely destroy me add a new layer of meaning to the songs on subsequent listens. Also like, these songs just Get It (not sure what "it" is exactly, but there's smth related to first love and love lost*)

(but atm im just yoinking songs from there to use for fic/chapter titles, i plan on using one for this ruggie timeloop angst fic im plotting out anyway)

(art appreciation ask questions, please bug me to rb some underrated art and fic)

https://www.instagram.com/p/C1hT1UbrC9d/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

"Evryone should be happy without a fail, but I wish good people a happier year!"

This is what he shared on New Year's Eve… and it's stuck in my mind. Just like you said, Doyoung is kind, but he shouldn't let others take advantage of his kindness or see it as a weakness. What I mean is, he mentioned that everyone should be happy in 2024, but good people should be even happier. It's clearly shows that his own character. He's kind, so he wishes happiness for everyone, but he's not naive enough to forget that there are some bad people out there. He won't forget about them, even though he wishes them happiness. He also wants more happiness for the people he considers good..He can just write it as like evryone should be happy..whatever in his head doesnt matter , weather we fans knows it or not..thats it..nd it would be great for his idol image..but he pointed out the fact that he wish more happiness for good people, as he indirectly telling ppl if u r not good then my wont get you....he is an idol he cant criticize or judge openly, but his way of showing this kind of things amazes me like wow!! He is really amazing...without hurting anyone he said the matter simply..and I love the way he expressed it.

I know..i am exaggerating simple things, but this is got on my head nd I just wants to share it with you..nd staning him these all days makes me feel like I'm getting to know his amzing character more and more. That's why I agree with you when you say he's kind but won't let it become a weakness. He'll have the courage to say no if he wants to, and his kindness won't hold him back. Nd yes ofcrs he is mentally really strong thats why he can take care of ppl around him..nd I really admire that....🦋

Link

What you said.

Do you know this image of wrathful angels? An angel with a sword, a soldier of Heaven? I think it's more of a modern fiction construct. If Doyoung is an angel, like his fans like to call him, he is that kind of righteous and judgemental one. He can and will slay those who do wrong. Taeyong forgives his antis, Doyoung doesn't.

There are many ill-meaning people who take advantage of naive and kind people. We have a saying "kindness is worse than theft" and another one "kindness should have fists". Yes, one shoud be kind, but only to those who deserve it. If a person, after receiving help, stays ungrateful or continues to ask for more doing nothing to pay back, then that person should not be given anymore help. It's also not enough to just be kind and nice, a person needs knowledge, goals, interests, beliefs, otherwise he won't do well in life.

Doyoung's kindness is his strength and not weakness because he also has ambition, judgement, hiw own morals. He charms friends but can give enemies a scare (like with sasaengs). He also can protect others (like the way he told those who attacked Taeyeon with dating rumours off), not just show them kindness with words, being empathetic ("oh, you poor thing").

His judgmental side has its downside, he is vindictive, but his intellegence lets him acknowledge it and learn to be careful.

Doyoung saying those words in the NY message is his righteousness and vindictiveness bleeding out. He can't really lash out, but he still wants to sya something back. It's similar to how he exposed that teacher who didn't stop Do's bullies in his class during middle school. He didn't directly blame him, but he insinuated that the teacher was wrong with his pacifying tactics (it's not a big deal).

Doyoung is easily swayed by emotions for day to day things (something going wrong, him being tired, his perfectionism and dissatisfaction with himself), that's when he needs the emotional support from Jaehyun, Taeyong, Haechan. On the other hand, he has a stronger foundation, an iron core, and big things (antis hate, stage fright, deep rooted insecurities) don't shake him too much, he can overcome them on his own. That's where he can support his friends, be the pillar for them. Like during the time of Jae's scandal.

Howdy Red! My faves are Prince Charming and Psycho Killer I'm listening want to know more about them like what're their personalities could I be their friend yes or no?

Nikki @tex-treasures

ahhh tysm nikki!! i actually have so much story regarding the two of them KDGHJ let me tell u all abt them

so, a little backstory: the main villain is a corrupted god who wants to erase parts of humanity's history. to stop her, a facet of the god apollo who is the god of music (who is also in charge of the muses in my other comic ive been working on for years - the two actually take place in the same universe lol) bestows upon different girls across the world the ability to encompass and represent the power of different bands/artists who have had an influence on them and/or could change their lives. its not a super fleshed out story lol sorry

Prince Charming's real name is actually Joie Charmant, a girl who struggles with severe insecurity. the three main characters (Computer Blue, Psycho Killer, and Killer Queen, who are longtime friends) meet her after they team up as the main team and she joins their team. Prince Charming's main ability is called Stand and Deliver - she can use any mirror or reflective surface to dive into the "mirror dimension", which is a world sort of "underneath" our world in which mirrors are doorways in and out. she can travel anywhere theres a mirror with this ability. her other ability is also involving mirrors! anytime shes in the mirror dimension, she can look out of another mirror. if theres a person on the other side, and she maintains eye contact with them, she can hypnotize them. but, after she joins the main team, she slowly starts to feel weird because theyve been friends for forever and she barely knows them, she feels like an outsider. eventually, the main villain ends up finding her, and convinces her that the others dont care abt her patron band (Adam and the Ants), which is rly important to her and a great comfort to her re: her insecurities. she convinces Prince Charming that they wont care if the villain destroys the entire memory/history of the band, and wont do anything to stop it until it affects them. so, Prince Charming gets brainwashed into joining her side :( shes a really formidable villain and serves as the secondary antag and the antag they encounter personally the most.

Psycho Killer is the youngest member of the main team!! shes very shy and has trouble communicating, and is really sensitive to how other ppl feel (like, being around ppl who are upset just makes them very tense and they dont rly know what to do). she develops empathy and psychic powers when Apollo bestows the essence of Talking Heads on her! iirc, her main power is Speaking in Tongues, which is that they can read anyones thoughts, feelings, and memories with a touch, and she can influence them to varying degrees (this power gets stronger over time as she practices using it).

its interesting that you like Psycho Killer and Prince Charming particularly actually bc their stories are very intertwined!! (as well as the Oingo Boingo magical girl). In the final battle going against the main villain, Prince Charming comes to face off against the main team. Killer Queen and Computer Blue venture further to find the villain, and Psycho Killer and Prince Charming face off against each other. however, Prince Charming finds herself not entirely willing to finish off Psycho Killer (bc she is still a good person at heart - Apollo did choose the best ppl for the job after all), and the villain betrays her for not finishing the job. Psycho Killer comes to her aid, and reads her thoughts to discover the truth behind why Prince Charming betrayed them - and the lies the villain told her - and sees her true regret for leaving the only friends she ever had. but, the villain sends her to the underworld anyway, though Psycho Killer tries to stop her. however, the Oingo Boingo magical girl - who was once saved by Prince Charming, when she started to fight against the brainwashing - finds a way to venture into the underworld with her powers, and challenges Death to bring her back, to return the favor and repay the debt she feels she has. so uh basically yeah thats their story!

Prince Charming is an interesting character imo, shes very quiet most of the time and struggles w separating her fears and anxieties from what she knows ppl actually think of her. she tends to assume ppl think the worst of her. she tends to isolate herself a lot. however, shes incredibly clever and smart as a whip - she makes a terrible foe to have, and an even better ally. i love her a lot im v happy and excited for her redemption arc where i wanna write her opening up more and having more friends :~)

Psycho Killer, as i said, is very shy and very empathetic. shes pretty nervous and neurotic, but cares deeply about everyone she meets. theyre very nervous to venture into battle, and at times theyre very tempted to turn tail and run (especially having few actual offense-based abilities), but when push comes to shove, theyll do anything to protect their friends, the people they care about, and the world. shes a v sweet girl who has been through a Lot and im just very ready for her to get some Rest!!

after some thinking i realize my initial ask probably comes off far snarkier than i intended it to be. i 100% understand why you wouldve assumed that the post was about you, as i probably wouldve too. i just wanted to clarify to you because one i hate being misinterpreted and two i dont want you to think i believe you did anything wrong. as i said i do appreciate you defending me, as well as addressing that i was in the wrong(which i wont deny, i definitely let it go further than it shouldve). i guess i just wanted to let you know bc i do feel guilty that i made you think you were wrong or like you needed to make a post clarifying where you stand. thank you for reading to me ramble aimlessly, yall have every right to feel however you feel, same way that i do.

i assume ur the person from twitter so i'm going to address u as such. if ur not then.... oh well.

i wouldn't have thought there was any issue with me had i not ended up blocked by you and also soft blocked by someone i was moots with. that, to me, and probably to anyone if they were me, looks like i am being blamed in some fashion and naturally does look like i am responsible for what my anons say or i uphold their opinions on it all.

i watched it all happened in real time, i had to figure it all out in real time. all i saw was that someone i was moots with saying "oh you little shit" and about not being in their messy era etc etc and immediately i was soft blocked, saw i was unable to see someone's reply and learned it was you (i assume it's u from twt based on how this is worded) and was told about the few tweets.

you can block me for any reason in the world, who cares, it just caught me completely off guard to be the one blocked when i didn't actually do anything for once in my life. keeping all that in mind, there's not really any other way to interpret the tweets considering the actions that came with it, knowing there was discussion about it on my blog & it still very much looks that way.

anyway. this is long so i'll shut up, i just don't like being the one to basically take the heat for what my anons want to say. i don't know what ur initial ask was (idk if it sent or if i answered it and i don't remember what one it was) but i appreciate you sending this in. i'd also like to apologise, and apologise for ppl judging you so harshly.

ik this is from before but ive been thinking about the trans man butch post and idk... i don't like the idea of including attraction to trans men in lesbianism and when i was reading it i was like well good for the author but im not...attracted to trans men...and thats not part of being lesbian. like idk when this was written and if its older I get how diff norms could have impacted her understanding but yea...and also the line talking abt how the lover wants her like a man bc his thinking changed after starting T stuck out to me as weird too. and i mean maybe the modern understanding of sex hormones is just a lot diff so i wont go on about how thats not how T works but i feel like lesbians are usually very off put by someone "wanting us as a man"? food for thought ig

the thing is though, that it genuinely does not matter whether u think that person's experience is valid. ur allowed to judge that person and disagree, and u would be probably be aligned with a lot of other lgbt ppl around them. and it's ok if u disagree with me! this is the internet not an in-person and long standing lesbian social community, u r not accountable to me beyond basic human decency. i personally don't see a problem with it because people have all kinds of journeys with their identity and within lgbt social circles and butch and femme are relational social roles within a specific social and political context and the issue of transitioning while being butch is much bigger and much more difficult than we know and the author expressed that struggle beautifully.

i am absolutely not saying that because i don't see a problem in that story i'm allowing attraction to trans men to be a part of the definition of lesbianism. there's a difference between what actual people historically experienced and what is a correct on-paper definition of sexualities and lgbt social roles. i agree that i am not attracted to trans men and attraction to trans men should not be considered a part of the definition of what a lesbian is. there are actually trans men on this website that call themselves butch and make weird posts about gay men and lesbians having sex being normal. and it's gross, really really gross. another example of this would be bi femmes. on the internet i'm gonna be uncomfortable when a lot of bi women with no affiliation to or knowledge of lesbian bar culture and no love for butches call themselves femme but historically, bi women were an important part of butch femme bar culture and gave up a lot and gained a lot from taking on the responsibility of that social role, which continual rejection of men and wanting butches instead is a part of.

queerness is by definition outside of words, everything we do is resistance to language and outside of language and breaks apart language. the danger in these kinds of stories is when people use them as proof for ideas that are trying to disrupt our social formations and community structures and make our words meaningless, make the word lesbian no longer mean what it does. but the story doesn't do that, there's a reverence for lesbianism and the butch femme community that the narrator is terrified of losing the subversive power gained by becoming a part of that community and social structure. and about that section the narrator was put off by that too, terrified in fact.

finally, note that the passage never did firmly establish whether the narrator's partner considers himself a trans man completely. he could be a nonbinary transmasc lesbian like me that went through medical transition. he could be a trans man that still considers himself butch and that would be none of my business, he has def already been taken to task about it by his own community based on their own definitions of what being butch means. these terms come with sacrifice, they come with automatic rejection from society, they come with punishment both physical/legal and emotional, they aren't taking this shit lightly.

lesbian and trans experience is complicated and not going to fit neatly into any kind of narrative because we're communally writing the stories and definitions as they suit us and the community we have made. in general yeah saying lesbians are attracted to trans men is transphobic and lesbophobic but this is real people we're talking about, with real experiences that do in fact happen. it's not an idea, it's just what happened to those people. they're people of incorrect gender and incorrect desire which is the definition of what being lgbt is, and they should be considered as real human beings living through hell just to be who they are and survive. i don't think it's my role as a reader to further punish this person who's lived through more hardship for being gay and trans than i have, whose story is being very vulnerably told so i can benefit, so i can see some of myself and feel some connection in the past as a young nonbinary transmasc butch lesbian.

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

wow i totally relate not being able to share things w people cause they either turn u down or not even bother. sadly this was in my relationship but its all the same. that 'friend' isnt a friend. friends dont need to have every single thing in common and friends dont blow you off with things u want to share w them. ur probably very open when someone shares w you cus u know how it feels. im sorry 💜 i honestly wonder why its so hard to just connect w ppl anymore & not on some fake shit

I'm so sorry you can relate to this, love. I can't really argue with these situations because that's all i've ever known, i felt like it's normal for people to just not care about some stuff and get annoyed when you talk too much about it, i feel like there's still some truth in it because that's just reality, so i don't even know if what i'm feeling is valid. but i sure do know that in relationship it should be something that we at least tolerate, right? in friendship it's a little different, and i'm so sorry you had to go through that, i hope you wont have to ever again ❤️ sometimes i feel like i only talk about myslef and that i'm oversharing a lot, and it's making me upset too fkshdjssj i probably should stop doing that because most people don't like it. i'm open, empathetic and patient by nature - as opposed to that friend i mentioned, as well as my family, so i guess I will never be able to understand what goes through their heads. but it's alright i guess, there are still people in this world that i can share things with, they're online, for example :) and i really hope that you have or will have such relationships soon, you deserve it ❤️ I'm sending you lots of love

henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

When you feel like you're just a puppet being control by your parents. Whatever you do for yourself, is a wrongdoing to them and whatever you do you have to ALWAYS think about them. The fuck is that?! I'm already feeling overwhelming with EVERYTHING, my hands are fucking shaking to the point where i don't even know what else to do eversince all that has been happening, and you guys don't even know shit i went through. I go out w a bunch of guys "its not nice to keep on changing guys", i'm just gg out with them cos theyre my friends i'm not even having sex with them, and when i go out with a girl "yaa lesbian should be sent to the girls home", sure send me there, maybe i'll find my future Girlfriend there and migrate. And even if i'm feeling shaky or about to breakdown i cant even do that, whats the point of me living? Might as well just jump off and die since you got it all under control of everything and apparently everything that i'm doing for myself, to keep myself calm, is wrong to them. Fucking hell mannn.. bunch of fucking boomers and both my siblings are welcome to join them.. go go.. don't u dare agreeing w other ppl that "second child is alittle bit hard to handle" AGAIN. Bruuhhh, if u listen to what we have to say and really accept how we are, and what we wanna do, its all fine and settle, and it goes to all the other children not only to the second child. Fucking lame. Check cctv camera to see what time i reached home. Lol! Ive learned my lesson the hard way, obviously i'm not doing stupid things like that ever again. Just ridiculous. The only reason why they hardly scold both my other siblings is because they're the puppets who wont try and cut their strings to runaway. Standing up for myself or not in this house really doesnt matter anymore. I give up. Istg. Just waiting for moment of time where i can really have my peace 😌

i know this is kinda weird and we're mutuals but i just wanted to confess this to someone. i mean i have friends but i wanted to do it anonymously because it's kinda embarrassing. i'm just super fucking upset because i feel that no one would ever want to be romantically involved with me? everyone i like never likes me back or even knows i exist and i already have low self-esteem so this just fucks it up more. u don't have to even respond or anything i just needed to get this off my chest. thanks

hey ! this is not weird really dont worry, i’m really honored that youd come to me for this , i hope you feel better now that its off your chest ? aaah you said its okay not to answer but i rlly wanted to answer this i hope its k also im tired so i might not use the right english words i apologize beforehand (btw tell me if you dont want it out there publicly i can delete) 

cos this is basically how ive felt my whole life too and i just, related alot reading the message ? feeling like i would never be in a relationship with anyone and no one could ever be interested cos ?? why woudl they, and the concept of being in a relatioship seemed so distant i coudlnt even imagine how itd go and i hadnt dated ever so it seemed so foreign

and now this is gonna sound cliché, but last year i met my gf , and everything just, clicked ? i mean not everything cos theres always gonna be stuff to work through , but what i mean is, i s2g , out of fucking nowhere i found someone who i know loves me and i love them and with who im soo willing to make it work ?  i hope it doesnt sound like im bragging about my love life haha, what im trying to say is, its really amazing how things can change so soso fast!! i swear like i wouldve NEVER imagined i would be here like even now sometimes im liek ??? how , but it DID happen ! and dear im sorry youre feelign like that rn cos i know it sucks and it does affect self esteem and all and ugh , but , youre totally lovable, and there will definitely be people who will want to be involved romantically with you , like , i can assure you , because honestly i try to sound cool n all on tumblr but  im actually a huge dweeb and if I found someone with who it works so well then theres no reason you wont ! like you can think of all the stuff you think ppl wont ever liek you because of, but there are actually ppl who will like this stuff about you ? and ppl who will be willing to work through stuff with you ? those people are out there and i hope this totally scientific fact can help you feel more confident about how lovable you are, while dating or not 

i hope i didnt sound moralizing or superior or anything , you probably jsut wanted to write this somewhere and maybe a long rant is not gonna help , but i justreally related and i hope at least you feel less embarassed about feeling like that?  ilu anon and i send u lots of hugs !!! 

I'm sad that the apocalypse is over but thank you for doing it!! It was super fun to see how it went. I have to ask, do you have any hc's for the vocaloids? Like how they act and stuff...? I don't mind which ones you do if you do any at all.

oh pshh don't worry about the wedding apocalypse it's still going to carry on, i just kinda "postponed it" in a way due to my net problems ehehehe but im glad ur liking the turn out it is really fun!!!

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THE QUESTION I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO ANSWER MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS U i love talking about headcannons SO MUCh this might take a while lmao bc yes i have LOTS OF lil weird hc's for the vocaloids hehe 

i'll talk about my HC for the crypton 5 (and if they were like a family living together in a house bc thats how i see it) also SUPER LONG BC oBViously

MEIKO:- meiko iS SUPER COOL!!! she is like SUPER COOL and charismatic and super reserved and i love meiko and she'll protect the crypton fam with her life- she's a lil quiet too but doesnt mind chipping in a few snarkly lil remarks at ppl who are doing the wrong thing (she’s also a shorty)- she's pretty stern and the tsukkomi of the whole crew and she can get super cynical when she thinks about things- when she gets flustered she gets really "what?? no way??? pft nO what"- like kuudere type but also super tsuntsun yknow wat i mean- for some reason i also hc her to watch a lot of romcom anime or read a lot of shoujo when there's noone around or she has nothing to do idk y- she doesnt know how to cook properly but ppl let her cook bc it makes her happy - when she drinks, her personality goes from reserved to more open and happy and she'll engage in a lot of skinship and bouts of affection- probably plays really good acoustic guitar (a genetic trait shared with her mother meiko haigo)

KAITO- kaito's a lil dorky and a lil silly, he's quite naive but also kinda clever about random shit like "the top of the eiffel tower is six inches shorter in the winter”- he's always happy and glad to help out and he's super charming- he can be a little embarassing due to his naivety- he's also super easygoing and friendly- except he doesnt really do much around the house bc noone gives him anything to do be they're scared he'll wreck the place by accident- he's a LOud man likes 2 cheer likes 2 be a proud dad- he probably doesnt work with technology he says its too much for him even though he is 100% a robot- so he sits and weeps and reads a lot of recipes so he can teach meiko when he has the balls to tell her she's not that gr8 at cooking- a neat cook - if kaito and meiko had a yt channel it'd be a family vlog channel lbr

MIKU- super clumsy??? she's really clumsy but she's also super lovable like noone can hate her (but noone can give her chores either bc she’ll break everything)- she does her absolute best all the time- if she had a yt channel it'd be for her music i mean wat do u expect- she feels sad if she reads a hateful comment about one of my fam on a video of hers and she'll do her best to cheer them up (e.g. if she sees a hateful comment about meiko, she'll make meiko some breakfast in bed even tho meiko is totally 100% cool with shit)- miku respects (and idolises) meiko and kaito a lot for setting out the carpet and allowing her to walk on it and supporting her 100% of the time so she wants them to always be happy and always be proud- miku also super respects luka and aspires to be as pretty and mature as luka- meiko sometimes lets miku join in her romcom weeb sesh for no reason (and only miku she doesnt trust anyone else w her big secret)- she prefers action a lil more so she watches with rin as well - meeks is like a super happy doggo 

RIN- super super cute but also ironically arrogant??? like she makes arrogant and insulting jokes for fun- she's a lil sarcastic and screams a lot for no reason- probably a huge weeb- she loves action type movies/shows/anime anything with fighting she's like HECK YEAH PAIN (she often pulls allnighters bingewatching so she's often joined with meeks and len and sometimes luka or she gets scolded by meiko)- she respects kaito a lot for just purely existing and being able to still exist and coming back from his time as a labelled "failure" (albiet she still makes insulting jokes towards him bc she thinks its funny)- she (and luka) are in charge of groceries bc rin knows her fruits and luka knows her fish - she pulls a lot of pranks on the rest of the family like if she had a yt channel it'd be for pranks- mostly on len poor len he suffers

LEN- suffering constantly at everyone's hand- he says he "dislikes" kaito and kinda talks down on him and denies kaito's presence and influence in his life, he considers kaito kind of embarassing and wonder why and how the rest can put up with him sometimes (but he still- even tho he wont admit it, kaito is his #1 nii-chan)- kaito always tries to be the best big bro and len appreciates that even though kaito usually stuffs up big bro stuff like teaching len how to sport (because sport is a concept kaito probably doesnt understand)- len's the cleaner of the house, he doesnt mind tidying up the places bc sometimes rin demolishes shit and she always blames him and he gets in trouble- he's also pretty reserved especially around his older sisters like meiko and luka and even miku, mostly because he respects them a lot - sometimes he can get pretty flustered if he's alone with one of the older girls because he doesnt really know what to do or say and he's too prideful of a person to ask kaito for assistance (he’s also the youngest, so aside from rin he’s pretty awkward with everyone)- rin and len as a power duo are a crazed frenzy though, if one pisses off the other it can be constant shouting for days until kaito or meiko break it up- they probably pull eachother's hair and scream about who can have the remote

LUKA- the most Quiet of them all- she's elegant she's beauty she's GRACE let her sit on my face- she’s super mature and helps meiko cook most of the time (which is y food is at least 50% better tasting if meiko were to cook alone)- despite that, she’s a totally closeted pervert w/ a thing for her mei-nee-san and lil imoutos miku and rin- she’s totally not allowed in laundry for that purpose- she’s a super good listener too, when meiko and luka go out to drink together it can get pretty deep- she kinda just appears?? in random places??? and people don’t really know how she got there- but she’s always so Cool i love luka bye

the end i was gna go on and on but that’s enough brief for now lbr