Here’s an analysis of the “Tommy’s Plan To Kill Dream” stream (part 1)

I noticed that my “overly long” analysis always tend to be about extremely depressing streams, so here’s me trying to change that and failing miserably because I can find angst literally everywhere!

As usual I’ll be talking about the characters only unless stated otherwise from here on out. 

The whole thing is under the cut because, as the name of this “series” suggest, I’m phisycally incapable of keeping things short

Before we proceed with the analysis we need a quick overview of Tommy’s relationship with the people he interacts with this stream so that we can all start with the same mindset: 

Tommy & Tubbo: They have obviously been very close friends since the beginning but recently Tommy has developed a sort of dependence on Tubbo which really isn’t healthy. This of course is a direct result of his second exile and his mindset moving forward after that. While with Dream and then Techno Tommy was extremely isolated and made to depend entirely on the one person providing for him. He continued this even after Doomsday, this time developing an extreme dependence on Tubbo that culminated with the line “What am I without you?” (basing your entire identity around someone else is not healthy, who’d have thought?). With the developing of the hotel post-finale he expands his system of support to include Sam and Sam Nook, but this is of course ruined with the prison arc. Tommy doesn’t trust Sam any longer and, while he still cares deeply about Sam Nook, he’s not someone that can give him emotional support. So he went back to rely soley on Tubbo (though it’s obvious throughout the stream that he’s tentatively doing so with Ranboo as well)

Tommy & Ranboo: The two of them used to be sort of close before Doomsday, Ranboo still very much admiring Tommy and considering him a friend. Thet said Ranboo is not in the very small circle of people who Tommy trusts and finding him married to his best friend and moving in together with a child didn’t help his perception of him. He feels replaced by Ranboo and sort of feels like he “stole” the only system of support he had that he could count on. Though there is a beginning of change throughout the stream. 

Tommy & Ghostbur: Their relationship is really interesting. Tommy is pretty obviously one of Ghostbur’s unfinished businesses (possibly the only one now that L’Manburg is gone) and most definitely his priority. He was the only one who offered to go with Tommy during exile and he tried to be there for him constantly. Even his return this time was Tommy-motivated as we know from what he said in Ranboo’s stream. Meanwhile Tommy’s feelings on him are very complicated. He swings between recognizing that Alivebur and Ghostbur are different entities to conflating them together any time he has a strong reminder of Alivebur (at the beginning of exile and after spending time with Void!Wilbur for example). He also has only very recently come to the full realisation that Wilbur was awful to him and that their relationship was definitely not healthy (something we can infer from him finally taking a stance on not wanting him back and him admitting that Wilbur is good at manipulating him).

Now that that’s done, let’s get into the analysis!

“Oh I forgot I died, didn’t I?” So, Tommy is in a very peculiar situation where he has to somehow process his own death and, at the moment, he’s still in a state of denial about it. He knows he died but he acts like he didn’t in the sense that he hates how it affects his life. He doesn’t want people to treat him any different (even though he IS different), he doesn’t want to acknowledge the changesto the world nor to his relationships, which is the reason why he dislikes the statues of himself so much (that and the fact that he simply never liked to have statues of him). They act as a constant phisycal reminder of what happened to him and, more importantly, how much things changed in his absence. 

One other reason why change scares him so much it’s because of how often he’s alienated from the world around him. He spent more time in exile/prison then in his own home since L’Manburg got it’s independence. He is constantly forced to live in an isolated bubble while the world around him moves forward and then, when he gets thrown back in he is never really given much time to adapt and catch up before he is thrown once more into the role of the hero/villain that he despises (after the 16th for example he was painted as a liability at his first mistake and put on trial etc despite how much he did for the country. Again after Doomsday he had the Dream fight to think about and, after that, Sam Nook asked him again to be the hero against the Egg and he, once again, was villanized by the Team Rocket. Now again he finds himself in the position where he has to take action against Dream once more).

So the stream really starts with Tommy deciding to contact Tubbo to get some help in his plan to kill Dream. He heads to Snowchester to do so (stopping before that to build Sam Nook a little wooden platform to keep him out of the rain).

On the way to Snowchester he gets trapped in the tunnel and almost drowns, making him break the glass of the tunnel. This is triggering for him for a couple of reasons (aside from drowning generally being not pog): exile reminder of his waking up drowning every day and taking damage in general seems to be a reminder of his death (he also seems to be hypersensitive in general in regard to phisycal sensations) 

The whole mansion scene is a further indicator of this new dynamic between Tubbo, Ranboo and Tommy. Tubbo and Ranboo grew extremely close as we know (got married for tax benefits, adopted a child together and, apparently, canonically fell in love after) and they are planning to move in together with their son in the mansion. This, once again, all happened while Tommy was locked in prison. The feelings of alienation for him in the situation are prevalent together with his jealousy at Ranboo as he perceives him as his replacement. 

“You married someone without me- without my permission?” “Okay, can I have your permission?” “Does he make you happy?” “Yes” “then ye- okay” Just... I’m a softie and I think that it’s very sweet that his only requirement to give his blessing is Ranboo making Tubbo happy. We stan a unconditionally supportive friend! 

“Ranboo listen, let me open up to you pal! I- I’ve been through a pretty rough time recently and- (”Yeah I can tell”) and I know that we were kind of close before I went into prison, but then you ki- Tubbo would you mind looking at that flower a bit more? You kinda stole my best friend, and that’s kinda- you know now I feel kind of very lonely- actually feel very lonely” “I didn’t steal...” “And my other friend who then turned out to be my enemy is actually dead. So I’m kinda feeling a little bit left out here, and considering I was locked in a prison for 4 weeks...” “Yeah, no, I mean... I didn’t- I didn’t steal...” “No no no no, you did, you did, didn’t you? You did!” That was a big piece of dialogue there to transcribe! Regardless Tommy doing my job for me here by literally spelling out for us how he feels about Ranboo. One thing to be noted though is that Ranboo remains calm and keeps an understanding attitude in all his interactions with Tommy. He constantly tries to be reasonable (trying to explain that he didn’t “steal” Tubbo as, you know, he has his own free will and can have more then one friend) and generally just doesn’t get mad. Keeping a non-confrontational attitude is probably the best thing he could have done here.

So after that exchange Tommy opens up to them a bit about Dream, explaining what he’s planning.

“The revive book is too much and he (Dream) is too powerful and he’s only gonna use it for evil now! He is an evil man and he used it- he used ME to prove a point and to experiment on me” “Oh my God, like a lab rat!” “Like a- like a- worse then a lab rat! A lab- a lab sock!” “A lab sock?! No!” “Oh God!” “Oh my God” This is the first time in the conversation where Tommy’s gone more in depth about his traumatic experience (though he did mention before that “Dream asked him about it” in reference to his revival). It’s honestly a really big positive that he’s opening up to someone, even if it is other two teenagers who can’t do much but be sympathetic to him. 

“I think it’s good. You don’t actually know this but I’ve been- I’ve been collecting some data, but, honestly... I’m not sure is a too good of an idea” “You said it was good” “No no  no, I didn’t mean it was good in the sense of we should-” “Ranboo’s changed you, Ranboo’s changed you! He’s manipulating you! He’s manipulative and controlling” So 2 things to unpack here:

1) Tubbo hesitance comes from both him being on his last life and how things went during the season 2 finale. He isn’t too optimistic about their chances of killing Dream (even with Dream being completely unarmed in the prison) and he’s also less passively suicidal then he was during the finale, probably because he managed to build a life for himself now. He has a home, a family and Snowchester, he doesn’t wanna loose those.

2) Because of very obvious reasons (Wilbur being abusive, Dream being abusive, Techno isolating and manipulating him and then siding with his abuser and Sam betraying his trust) Tommy views all relationships aside from his with Tubbo in a negative lense. Basically he has HUGE trust issues and he’s so used to his relationships having usually some degree of manipulation (exept for Sam, who still entirely broke his trust. Also recently found out Jack had been lying and trying to kill him as well, which probably didn’t help the issue) that he just assumes that must be the case for Tubbo and Ranboo as well. Both of them of course are fast to correct him on this as that’s really not the case. 

“So why don’t you want him to bring Wilbur back now? What suddenly changed?” “I spent months in the death... area- let’s call it ‘the death zone’, with Wilbur alright?” “The death zone?” “I spent months there. I spent months and months and months there and I was only there for a few days, Wilbur’s been there for real months. He is so different and he is fucking powerful and you know how he molds me like a piece of clay, Tubbo. (hushed) I don’t want him to come back” So here we have Tommy’s admission to Wilbur’s manipulation and how effective it is on him (most probably because of how close they used to be). We also have another hint about how dangerous Wilbur is now because of the knowledge he acquired. 

“In the mean time we also... unless we don’t kill Dream... we gonna have to stop Technoblade, ‘cause Technoblade owes him a favour” “Stop Technoblade?” “Technoblade owes him a favour and we can’t let him redeem it” When Tommy mention’s Techno, Tubbo immediately becomes even MORE hesitant about this whole thing (probably a mix of his death-related trauma, Techno exploding his nation twice and his most recent inquisition venture in Snowchester). 

“So why don’t we try to block Dream’s communication with Technoblade? ‘Cause then Technoblade would have no idea how to... redeem... the favour” “He can bring back the dead Tubbo, we need him DEAD! He’s too powerful for this server’s good and he’s a bad man and he won’t use his powers for good. And it’s not even-” “Mmmmh” “What do you mean ‘Mmmh’ Man?!” “I don’t know this really- this didn’t go too well for us last time we got all hyped up and tried to do this” Tubbo once again is mostly apprehensive because of how things went last time they were up against Dream. He also tried proposing an alternative solution to fighting that Tommy shoots down because he doesn’t think anyone should have the power that Dream has. Also, may I add that Ranboo is actually on Tommy’s side on this whole thing? Possibly because he knows as well how dangerous Dream still is. 

“Just because he’s locked up doesn’t mean his strenght is, allright?” This basically perfectly sums up the crux of the issue. Of course thanks to Quackity’s lore we know that Dream’s power now is mostly a facade, but they don’t know this. To them Dream is just as powerful now as he was before. To them the image of powerlessness that the prison gives him is the facade.

That said the conversation in the electric chair tower ends here and, as this is already so incredibly long, I’ll also end part one of the analysis here. This was also the most lore-heavy part as the rest is more light-hearted so it’ll probably be faster to cover.

Bella Donnas & Love

This is the final installment of the Hanahaki Disease AU featuring the Seijoh Four. This is a Mattsukawa Issei x Yin (YN/Reader) story.

Word Count: 4.3 K

Warnings: mentions of depression, suicidal attempts, mentions of burn out, and intrusive thoughts

Recommended Audience: 17+ (minors recommended to not read because of the warnings attached)

Pairing: Mattsukawa Issei x reader// MIA->MIF [Mattsukawa Issei angst to Mattsukawa Isei fluff]

Mattsukawa Issei is a simple man. He sees the world in copious amounts of black, white, and gray; it isn’t because he is colorblind either. It is because he knows his worth. Truthfully, his parental figures were always a bit worried about their son especially given the profession he has chosen to pursue. Being in the business of burning and or burying the dead, Mattsukawa Issei is a fan of the loneliest times in a lifetime: they say when we are brought into the world, we are alone, and when we pass on, we too exit the world alone. There is nothing wrong with finding a job in the business of death, but even angels have demons. And for Mattsukawa, you are an exquisite example of the dichotomy between his dark side and your eventual akin to the brighter side.

It is a known fact in Japan, the pressure to be perfect or to fit into the mold of society has been a fatal flaw throughout the years. This is the main reason why at exactly two fifty-five in the morning, Mattsukawa Issei notices a young person, hanging out on the edge of the skyscraper across his workplace. There was a late night arrival to the city morgue; he just needed to be there to sign the paperwork to turn over the embalming processes to his mentors. It was the deceased wishes to be buried in the mausoleum in the home town of their forefathers: the mountain side of Nagasaki.

You were having a rough day: you were told you by your employers that you’ve been slacking for too long getting numbers for the statistics presentation coming up with business partners across the South China Sea. Then your grandparent were strictly feeding toxic lies to your parent(s) about how you would never find a suitable partner to marry you. Quite frankly, because you put your career and studies first, you had no issues putting your family in their place. The intrusive thoughts, snide comments about your appearance, was enough for you to glance at the sleeping pills that were prescribed to you to assist in a normal pattern, to invade your subconscious. The events which led you to climb the fire escape up to the rooftop garden in your kitten heels made for a daring flirtation with death. There have been nights the last couple of months where your heart is heavy in your chest, your lungs are intoxicating you with the poisonous belladonna petals.

“What a time to find out I’m going to die a lot sooner than I thought,” you sighed into your palm. Your eyes scour the hazy city in the afterglow; after a tizzy of a day you had, you chose that perhaps this might be a sign of the universe you were better off dead. Either that or your soulmate would be in extreme pain and you didn’t want to disappoint their perception of your love. Then again, you wouldn’t know what love, honest, and kind would feel like even when you’re about to let it all go.

You are devoid of emotion as you bring yourself to your feet. A hand of yours drags across your face. The drop is high enough to entice little to severe damage like broken legs, or severe head trauma, but to be truly free, you wish to be put out of your misery as quickly as possible.

Mattsukawa sees the figure clad in a lighter powder blue and his eyes are wide with fear. The morgue worker and delivery driver had already gone off into the night to complete the rest of the deliveries of bodies to the funeral homes. As soon as he finished locking up and registering the corpses, Mattsukawa was determined to see your hair wind blowing on the rooftops. The blurred vision he sees makes the twenty-seven year old shiver. Even in his line of work, this was the second instance he wanted to save someone. He knew of you: the business woman who was suffering from a similar ailment to him. The belladonna hues from your rebellious highlights enticed him to notice how you seemed a bit off at the coffee house you frequent by the funeral parlour he had been working at.

“Excuse me,” you said, holding on to your mug. Your knuckles were white with tension, so Mattsukawa did something unexpected of himself: he gave you way, but instead of sitting on the opposite side of the restaurant cafe, he sat directly across from you. The crowd was getting to be a bit noisy, but you and him sat there staring off center, hyper fixating on the number of people sign in either direction.

“Why do you smell like belladonna?” You asked. You had a glance meet you with a harsh smile.

“It’s part of my line of work. I use it to bury the dead at the request for all nameless suiciders that wind up on my table,” Mattsukawa explains. The oils from his embalming course was enough to mimic actual belladonna, but has he noticed from her, it wasn’t coming from just his hands: it was coming from her hair. He asked a question about why you seemed so strung up lately and like a fool, you told him everything which was bothering you. If anything, this man was a silent confession box. He seemed like the genuine article, so when you check for the time, you realize it was time to leave and head back to the office to grab the final jump drive for the presentation. Things at work seemed to have gotten better since the next time you’d see your precious Mattsukawa would be in the next life. You never truly disclosed your name to him, so he made a note call you Bella or Donna (whichever you preferred really). His smile is flirtatiously coy and you felt your cheeks grow a bit warm from the moment he told you his name.

For whatever reason, perhaps Mattsukawa was feeling a bit lucky, he asked you to dinner the day before yesterday. He wanted to know you, truth and all, bruised and damaged as you were, the meds your doctor prescribed were starting to cushion the intrusive thoughts. However that changed the moment you give him a nod, he grabs your hand as you’re about to leave the cafe; gently he squeezes your fingers for reassurance.

“You’ll do great Miss. I believe in you,” Mattsukawa whispers in the last part. The cafe begins to echo again, so you couldn’t hear the last part, but you were sure it was an encouraging word. Mattsukawa was the first person in a long while to give you something so few in your battlefield mind would want (or need): hope.

“Goodbye Mattsukawa.”

With that said, you were gone from the cafe and headed back into the office where a different manager made your life hell because their normal assistant was very organized, but the constant comparison was enough to make your head explode.

Presently, you stand on the ledge, glancing down like a superhero vigilante, but just as you were about to take a dive, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around your waist. The hands are interlocked under your empire waist line and if it wasn’t for the fact your hair was probably in a ponytail prior to this predicament, you’re sure your band was lost to gravity and the wind. You thrashed about in your captor’s arms, not realizing this person was about to save you from an awful mistake.

You see, Mattsukawa Issei is a funeral employee; he dresses sharply like an agent of the Grim Reaper. He is suave and debonair; he loves watching the life cycles of the various flower arrangements in his mentors stores go throughout the seasons. His heart and soul is full of vibrancy you have yet to comprehend; Mattsukawa was always a strong individual and you could ask anyone of his friends in school what kind of person he was. So, what made you so different? Sure you were stressed out, anybody could see that, but Mattsukawa picked up on the depressive aura you emanated. Did he really want to sit in front of you that afternoon? Sure; it was mainly because he couldn’t shake this feeling ever since you were ahead of him in line to order that he was supposed to meet you here (even if you were at your lowest post appointments at the business office downtown).

You struggle to let go, but the owner of these hands does not wish to loosen their grip on you; you ask twice kindly to be left alone and the soft ortund tone of the stranger’s voice from the cafe stops you from thrashing about further.

He tumbles back and lands on his arse with you sitting on his lap, pressed against his broad chest. His sleeves from the black oxford shirt he wears is rolled up to his elbows, and his hands still are in an interlocked position. Mattsukawa has seen some pretty fucked up causes of death recently, yet this time, he wanted to save you, not bury you. He wants to see you tomorrow night at dinner in the diner close to his loft; he wants you to understand maybe death isn’t all that grand and if you struggle with your mind everyday, he wishes to someday be of importance to you. You’re in charge of your own autonomous decisions, yet Mattsukawa wants you to give him a chance to prove to you that love, hope, and for the very fortunate, miracles exist (even if you weren’t shown any).

“You’re sick,” he closes his eyes. Apparently, you pick up on the frown in his voice and somehow, you’re sixth sense of empathy decides not to fight his tonality, but rather when you subconsciously agree and call your mental state one of a landmine, he doesn’t make a fuss. It was a short exam and you realize may be life is worth living for a nano-second. You could have an entire relationship with this man from the cafe in a span of two hours, if that. The fates must have had a wicked sense of humor when pairing either of you to the other: one who works with and around death, the other has an affinity to try and cross into the next life every moment things in the sea turn too rough.

You slowly stop trying to fight him the moment you hear his voice toss in the wind. Instead, you move your hands to hover limply on his, leaning back and letting his breathing calm you. The smell of belladonna from your hair oil wafts through the air. “Suicide is not how I want your story to end.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about or-o-or,” you stammer on. “Perhaps I don’t want to be alive anymore because people keep interfering.”

This causes Mattsukawa’s heart to gain a solid crack. You toss your head back and land harshly against his sternum, causing him to grunt and inhale sharply.

It rips seamlessly to his soul. In the past six to eight years since he entered his chosen profession, he has seen corpses from all ages, the youngest being eight who suffered from a myriad of health issues including Hanahaki because the playground friend in their preschool years was going to be theirs when the time properly came. Mattsukawa, the night he was on duty for the wake, anonymously donated the flowers that would have made the child laugh on wishes. Sure, life does have it’s moments when it tests us, yet he couldn’t wrap his head around the burn out business person from earlier this week, who was now in his arms, safe.

Unintentionally landing on his back with you on top of his chest was not how he had pictured becoming a hero. Just for one night, Mattsukawa Issei, the stern and most silent of the volleyball players in high school, was a hero worthy of saving a life.

“Argh,” he groans.

He coughs quietly away from your face when his hands loosen their hold. You chose to not chastise him about not wearing a sweater in the middle of autumn. After all, this man was the only one who would be daft enough to try and stop you. You curl into him, hiding your face in the satin finish of his dress shirt; you promise to buy him a new one as long as you let him hide your eyes and you break down. You’re crying over the smallest inconvenience and on top of feeling like a burden to the man, you consistently apologize by saying it’s no one’s fault especially his when you catch yourself in your darkest moment.

Mattsukawa listens to your request: with one hand, he covers your left side of your face, the right is patting your hair down, reassuring you that he will console you until the sobs stop and the sniffles remain.

“You’re lucky I live and work not too far from here doll,” he whispers into your hair. You’re calming down as you hiccup the last couple of bubbles of air. You nod in understanding the words he was saying, but you still have your eyes closed to shield himself (and keep your pride intact) when he would peer into your bloodshot ones.

“Don’t worry about me tryin’ anything either. You’ve been through enough tonight. Just let me take care of you for the rest, ok?”

“Mmhm,” you agree. He sits up half way and you rise with him, your eyes ever looking westward until you see one of his handkerchiefs from his back pants pocket dangle in your line of sight. You stifle a laugh, utter a thanks, and begin to dry your face. Mattsukawa, when you were done, doesn’t hold your face anymore, even if it pains him to do so. Your free hand decides for both of you: your left reaches for his and you bring the calloused hand, opened palm, to your cheek. Your skin is soft and sticky from the tears, but if anyone were to ask Mattsukawa what it felt like to save a life, he would humbly point you out in a crowd and say ‘Ask ‘em yourself.’

“I lost sight of the things that brought me joy,” you say quietly. You’re breathing in his cologne and it smells like whiskey sours. The scent grounds you, as you recall your therapist giving you stress-relieving tricks such as naming five to ten things your senses pick up on. Your cheeks feel soft like mochi ice against Mattsukawa’s open palm; you see the neon lights hazily glow in the city below you; and finally, you hear his shirt ruffle against the shell of your ear when you finally calm down.

“Everyone does,” Mattsukawa agrees. “Can you do something for me?”

“Mattsukawa-san,” you said his name and he chuckles in surprise. You remembered his name? This was even better than before. He finds himself falling gently in like with you. The love between long lost friends is what keeps him afloat. Unwillingly, you find yourself amusedly smiling at his tanned skin glowing with a soft hues under his eyes. Was this man blushing?

“Call me Issei or Mattsun,” his voice says when his other hand loops around your waist. He buried his head on your right shoulder.

Tonight you learn that even strong and by your standards of “fine men” do in fact cry. You blink a couple more times and he just cries a mixture of tears he has no control over.

“Mattsun,” you say, voice soft like the breeze sending a boat to sail. “I’m sorry about all this.”

“You could have said you weren’t feeling well if you didn’t want to go out with me,” Mattsukawa jokes, turning his head to the side so you wouldn’t see his tear stricken face to the side. He asks you, if you felt comfortable enough, to just stay still for a moment.

The rooftop rendezvous was not what you had in mind when you came home from clocking out, but considering you were heavily contemplating ending your existence earlier, this one request was not too hard to fulfill. The belladonna in your bronchioles seemed to dislodge itself into your lungs. You stay as still as your companion had asked and you breathe in time together. His curls are soft to the touch and when he relaxes his shoulders when you run a hand through his hair, you feel him grin on the right of your shoulder blades.

Was this what it felt like to be you every hour before you both met at the cafe? This profound sadness doesn’t leave his heart nor does he quite shake the feeling of the leaves of the belladonna flowers taking root in his lungs. The flowers bloomed slowly since his twenty-third birthday were the same ones you dyed your hair for. You’ve been suffering with the hanahaki disease for quite some time, you confess back to him.

“Is that why you were here? Trying to jump?” Mattsukawa asks an innocent inquiry. He seemed like he was about to be scolded for the first time in seven years, yet you thought it was kind of adorable. And so you do something you haven’t done in a very long time: you scoff (although you were sure it was closer to a giggle.

“No,” you reply. “I was contemplating jumping because all my triggers hit at once, so I’ve been in a depressive episode for quite some time before we met.”

“Oh,” Mattsukawa acknowledges. “Do you want to stay the night?”

“…that’s awfully forward of you,” you say. Your pragmatic inner voice says to decline, but there is a mischievous side of his mannerisms, nonetheless you are curious. It is late into the evening already, so perhaps the offer is a better one. After all, you think the change of scenery would do you some good, so you humbly agree.

Roughly an hour later, you find yourself in Mattsukawa’s living room area. Offering his shower to you, you ask if there is something he can lend you. It is an old shirt with his high school cactus logo on it, but the shorts he tosses to you has a VBC and his old number stitched on the back pocket. Mattsukawa hands you a spare towel and tells you how to work the shower in his bathroom. Twenty minutes later, you sit close to the kotatsu even if it’s not too cold outside at the moment, you tend to sleep better underneath one.

Prior to your shower, Mattsukawa-san graciously gave you a small tour of his loft when you arrived. The walk wasn’t too far from the rooftop building and so you two walk side by side until the loft complex came into view. Mattsukawa says hi to the doorman who makes a joke or two about how he had almost pulled another overnight at the funeral home.

“Be careful with that one miss, he’d work himself to death! Ha! Work himself to death,” the doorman says, wiping a faux tear from his eye. You snickered covering your smile with the back of your hand. When you put it to the side of your body, Mattsukawa notices how dazzling your smile is. How would someone who smiles this much at a pun, hold so much carnage of self-doubt and depressive thoughts in their heart? Is that why your flowers and your scent are wrapped in poisonous belladonna? Mattsukawa shakes this thought to the furthest parts of his mind. You’re here now, in the next room, safe under the same roof.

The master bedroom door is opened just a crack once Mattsukawa is half-dressed in his pajama pants, parading around shirtless fetching a glass of water from the kitchen. You were already seated on the barstool peering out the sliding glass door of the patio outside. Jumping was not the way to die for you, you think. Perhaps if you died with love, perhaps you’d have a better chance of reincarnation than you thought. The ambient sounds of the refrigerator and the water spout being used brought you back to hold the gaze of your host for the evening. You made a conscientious decision to cash in on your PTO at your work location for the next two weeks via e-mail. You explain to the HR representative you were feeling burn out and your therapist was working with you to battle the depressive episodes you were going through. The automotive message came back saying someone from the office of internal affairs would look into the chain of command in your division. However, you could care less about work at the moment, since you were enjoying the company of the person who helped kept you tied to this world.

“You like what you see?” Mattsukawa says smoothly. The water glass is placed on the counter in front of you. After graduation from Aoba Josai, running and other kinesthetic stretches were included in his workout regiment. You froze, placing your phone face down to the extreme left of the counter space. The granite glowed in the soft lamp from behind you, casting shadows in the grooves of his muscular features.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” you tease. “But I do like the person who saved me from making a huge mistake.”

Mattsukawa nods as he leans forward to rest his chin in his hand.

“I’ll always come running to you Yin,” he gives you a nickname close to the currency your country uses. This causes you to roll your eyes, yet you reassure him it was filled with endearment.

“You sound like you’re going to love me until the day I properly die Mattsun.”

He wasn’t expecting you to climb halfway across the granite counter, stretching your back further parallel to the floor (your feet are balancing your lower half on the chair).

His hand finds its way to the small of your back and he says a quick, “pardon me.” The onyx eyes he owns close and crinkle upward like small crescent moons before you feel his pursed lips press against your forehead.

“You’re safe here,” you hear him say. His warmth is a welcomed blanket of comfort for you; his words are kinder than your own thoughts.

“Will you kiss me properly?” You ask.

“In the morning, first thing,” he answers. “But first, sleep.”

Mattsukawa walks around his counter to keep you from hanging in the balance thus lowering the risk of you falling knees first on the floor.

“Remember how you fell on top of me?” Mattsukawa’s voice is low. You swallow nervously; you affirm that you do. “Good. Now hold on to me sweetheart.”

He leans back against your left side of your suspended body and he wraps an arm around your mid-section and you push off with your elbows. The next thing you are aware of, you are being carried like a drowsy child to the living room where you sit on Mattsukawa’s lap like before. You raise a hand to his smooth face, your fingers tracing the highest points of his features; his eyes flutter close to the sensational spell you are casting; he is about to fall in the in-between of sleep and lucidity when he feels your lips press firmly against his. When you back down, he stops you with one word: “More. One more time.”

You turn your head at an angle the moment you feel his hands turn you around to straddle him more comfortably.

“Better,” you confirm. Your nose teases his own and he languidly looks at you before he pushes your back playfully and your lips meet his again.

You sigh against his lips when your knees come into contact with his cushion; his arms move away from your hips to your ribs. The callouses he earned over the years of playing volleyball in high school memorizes the map of your skin. Together, the aroma of belladonna almost dissipates the pain in your lungs the longer you are breathing in everything the young man in front of you is giving.

This was as brave as you wanted to be right now. You’d be more adventurous months into your new found relationship with your restaurant-cafe rendezvous man. Your hands trace his collar bones before they found their purchase on the sides of his neck.

“I like that,” you say when you are given a chance to catch your breath. Mattsukawa’s hands rest on your love handles again and he pushes you into a loose embrace. Your hair tickles his shoulder when you rest your head against his pectoral.

“I like this too,” he says, running his fingers lightly up and down your spine. “Close your eyes and rest for a while Yin. We can talk about this in the morning, ok?”

You stifle a yawn, agreeing.

A few minutes later, after you are truly asleep, Mattsukawa supports you in his arms and he carries you like a child, careful to support your neck as your legs rest limply above his hips, to his room. He lays you down first and then proceeds to tuck you in; staying above the duvet, he watches over you breathing in and out steadily, the last small petals escaping your lips when you cough softly in your sleep. Mattsukawa stares at the last shriveled one on the corner of your lips and swats it away.

“Pretty angel, don’t scare me like that. I don’t want to lose you,” Mattsukawa reaches over to hold your hand; fingers intertwining around your own and you squeeze his back. “You’ll be alright and I will help you keep nightmares away.”

“Why?” Your voice is laced with sleep. “Why do you want to love me?”

“Because our story is just beginning my love.”

Mattsukawa rubs his thumb over your knuckles and when he lies down further on his bed next to you, he rests a protective arm over your shoulders.

HAPPIESTPLACEHQ Task 2 - Sally Finkelstein

Playlist you feel best describes your character

Touch In Mine (fingers) - Esperanza Spalding “Touching surfaces every day Feeling no spark of tenderness within” Sally is a very sensitive person, both physically and emotionally: loud sounds, bright lights, strong smells can overwhelm her easily, as well as angry words and open displays of aggression. That is partly why she keeps to herself, to her routines, to her little comfortable bubble; but as she has become older, Sally finds that this existence is now wearing her down, and has come to realize that, even with the friendship of Jack (who is so often locked up in his own world as well) and Zero (who, much like her, keeps to himself), she craves affection and love that, so far, hasn’t experienced neither from family nor friends.

Like Someone In Love - Björk “Each time I look at you, I'm limp as a glove And feeling like someone in love” Just a little love song that very accurately depicts Sally’s sort of clumsiness towards her own feelings, and how she feels she could express them towards a loved one. It is a beautiful, if rather awkward, way to feel for her, one that sticks to her mind and heart and colors her world, filling her with conflicting emotions -giddiness of being lovestruck, fear of being found out, sadness at the inevitability of vulnerability, hopefulness at the chance of being requited.

Your Woman - White Town “Now I know your heart, I know your mind You don't even know you're being unkind So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways Just use me up and then you walk away Boy, you can't play me that way” Even though this is a break up song between a romantic couple, this could very well reflect Sally and her father’s codependent relationship. With no family beyond him, no other place to go and with her low-paying job, Sally is basically dependent on her father for everything; and, similarly, her father, being in a wheelchair and stubbornly determined on never leaving Redwood Hollow, depends on Sally for everything he cannot do himself. Sally does recognize her father’s brilliant mind, his cultured thoughts, his well-read expertise and knowledge, but even though he spouts a philosophy of mutual aid, of small-town solidarity and community that he passed down to his daughter, Sally knows deep down this is pure bull -when he himself seems to regard her as a slave, something he owns and is in his right to mistreat, withholding any sort of affection or praise or kindness, treating her more like a robot than as a child.

Glory Box - Portishead “Sow a little tenderness No matter if you cry Give me a reason to love you Give me a reason to be a woman I just wanna be a woman” Going back to the first song, what Sally wants most is affection, and that means vulnerability both from her part and from whom the affection comes from. Since she was very little she has learned to keep her emotions in check, not asking for much, never be a nuisance. This has also led to her feeling somehow disconnected from her own self, from her gender and age, as well as from society at large. Now that she has arrived to her thirties, Sally feels like she needs to break out of this subservient position she has been chained to, and that means, in part, reclaiming her own self as a person with autonomy, as someone capable of and deserving of love, and as a woman with the capacity to socialize with others, to be nurturing, to be affectionate; and, as well, partly resenting her status as a woman as someone who needs to fulfill that nurturing role, to provide for her father, to cook and clean and do the domestic chores.

Sounds Of Blue - Morcheeba “A sort of stoned silence Sat on that boat floating out The waters left me open All my emotions fog my lenses” Despite acknowledging her own sensitiveness, Sally isn’t very good with emotions; she knows the basics of comforting, to leave her shoulder free for someone else to cry on, to be available and listen to someone in need; but she is awful at managing her own frustrations and despair, choosing instead to bottle it all. Sometimes, it can feel almost asphyxiating, to be so full with words she can’t pronounce, with nowhere to pour them. This often makes Sally feel even more alone, like a boat in the middle of the ocean. As she grows older, though, she has begun to try her best and be mindful of what she feels; instead of simply allowing the emotions to overwhelm her, Sally tries to question them, to dive deeper and find the root cause, even if that means giving in and having to have a good long cry about it.

Walking In The Rain - The Ronettes “When he's near me, I'll kiss him And when he leaves me, woah, oh, oh, I'll miss him Though sometimes we'll fight, I won't really care And I'll know it's gonna be alright 'cause we've got so much we share” Sally would like to think of herself as the practical sort; but, of course, this doesn’t mean she has a romantic side as well. Being raised by her father, homeschooled, with no distraction beyond books and constantly monitored TV watching, she grew up during her teens with a strong idea of what true love is like: it is instant, it is irresistible, it is everlasting, it is passionate, it is destined... As an adult, she knows this isn’t realistic at all (especially having witnessed, from a distance, the romantic troubles of the rest of the town); but a part of her still wishes she could be whisked away by a prince, somewhere far away, to an idyllic world of tenderness and freedom.

Good Morning Heartache - Billie Holiday “Stop haunting me now Can't shake you, no how Just leave me alone I've got those Monday blues Straight through Sunday blues” Kind of a byproduct of her buried-deep-down idealizations of love, and her repressed emotions and expectations, the weight of Sally’s loneliness can sometimes pull her down to periods of depression. As a full-time worker, both as her father’s caretaker and in her work at Jack’s Attic and in the Community Events Committee, Sally often has to put on a happy face to deal with the daily grind; but, once she has some time alone, she either tries to keep herself distracted, or gives in to that despair for as long as she can allow herself to.

Les Fleurs - Minnie Riperton “For all of these simple things and much more, a flower was born It blooms to spread love and joy, faith and hope to people forlorn” Most of all, Sally feels most comfortable in nature: as at home as she is in her own house, it also feels, increasingly so, as a place of repression, lack of change, and constant surveillance. Nature, especially Redwood Park and the surrounding woodland, feels to Sally as the place where change is required, where it is most clear, where it is most, well, natural. Whether it is a rainy day with the air thick with humidity and the tension of a coming thunderstorm, a sunny afternoon having a small picnic at the shade of a tree in full bloom, or a lovely, glittering snow morning, snowflakes falling quietly and magically from a cotton-clouded sky, Sally loves it when she can be outside, forget about her responsabilities and duties, and focus on the sensation of the world, the real world, around her.

Day Dreaming - Aretha Franklin “He's the kind of guy that would say Hey, baby, let's get away Let's go some place, huh Where I don't care” This is also a continuation of her own ongoing matureness and acknowledging of how she tends to idealize the idea of love. Sally tries her best to reject her old teenage conception of a prince coming to sweep her off her feet, but at the same time, especially when she can allow herself some time to doze off and daydream, she still nurses that little hope that, whoever it is that will come along and give her the affection she wants so bad, will wish, just as she does, to explore the world beyond Redwood -it doesn’t matter where, since they would be together, mutually helping each other in their struggles, loving and trusting each other, and that would be everything they would need.

Please Don’t Make Me Cry - Lianne La Havas “I'll try to let it go, my fingers are crossed I show you my pretty scars, they make us whatever we are” Sally knows fully well that she comes with a good deal of issues, and that’s what scares her most when considering pursuing a romantic relationship. She is, however, aware enough of her traumas that she feels she could be honest about it -of course, as long as she manages to not let herself be drowned by them. Honesty is a very important quality for her. The only problem, then, is that while Sally truly wants to confess just how much she feels what has happened to her, she is still afraid to intimidate someone else, to be seen as “high-maintenance”, as someone hard to love. Once more, while love is her goal, vulnerability is her greatest fear.

Who Needs Sleep When We Have Sugar?

Alright, so, after admittedly having not such a great day I decided maybe posting up the next chapter to the Golden Hummingbird series will cheer me up (long story short, car accidents suck). The best news I have though is what was originally just 4 parts will now be 5. I started writing the new chapter earlier this week.

Fun Fact: This chapter is the first I wrote. Originally, it was meant to be a one-shot as part of the 100 Days of Taiqrow series. I wanted to sprinkle in some OT3′s and well, like Trokia, when I got started I kind of just kept going.

Word Count: 1,700

Pairing: Summer/Tai/Qrow

Ao3 Link: Who Needs Sleep When We Have Sugar?

Summary: A sleepless night leaves Tai and Qrow contemplating the fragility of memory and the effort to preserve what is left now that Summer is gone.

(A.K.A: The chapter you all knew had to be coming eventually.)

~

The shattering of glass awoke Qrow immediately.

He jumped from the bed, hand already around his weapon and heart pounding with adrenalin as he sprinted down the dark hall. As he passed the girls’ room, where a sleepy Yang was poking her head out, he told her, “Stay in your room.”

He was down the stairs and in the living room within a matter of seconds, sword up and at the ready as he surveyed the room for any intruders. Zwei wasn’t in his bed – he’d have to talk to the girls again about not sneaking him up the stairs at night. Nothing else seemed disturbed though; all the windows were intact and the front door was still secure. The only thing that seemed out of place was the light spilling from underneath the kitchen door.

He tiptoed over to it, straining his hearing, picking up on the faint sound of movement. Footsteps. There was someone inside the house! His mind whirled with tactics. Being an elite huntsman, he knew he could handle a small-time burglar, but he still knew better than to lower his guard to an enemy. If he caught them by surprise, he’d have the advantage.

He curled his hand down over the knob, all his muscles tense and ready to spring. He took a breath, counted down from three, and yanked the door open. He jumped onto the kitchen table with a war cry, “WHAT’RE YOU-”

He was interrupted by a yell and a broom being swung his way. He meant to block it, but his blade sheared right through the handle instead. By the time it was clattering on the ground, he’d gotten enough of his bearings to realize exactly who he was fighting.

“Uh. Hey Tai.” Qrow mumbled. In his field of vision, he also noticed that Zwei was scuttling about on the counter, looking for a way to get down.

Tai still had his dustpan up like a shield, and he scowled from around it. “What the hell Qrow?! You damn near gave me a heart attack!”

He lowered his sword, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Uh, I heard something break so I thought, we were, uh… being broken into?”

“And yet you didn’t think that maybe it was me?” Tai asked.

“Well how was I supposed to know!”

“We share a bed!”

“I-!” He flushed brightly and sat down on the tabletop, huffing indignantly. “Well maybe if some people weren’t scuttling around at 2AM!”

As Tai crouched to sweep up shards of glass with his newly compacted broom, he retorted, “Kettle, black.”

Qrow bit his tongue to keep himself from retaliating because he knew if they started talking about his drinking, they were going to fight. And if they fought, it would almost inevitably lead to them breaking things off between each other. Again.

He really didn’t want to have to deal with that in the middle of the night when he’d rather be sleeping. Rather, when they both should be sleeping!

“You know we have work in like, five hours, right?” When that only earned him a listless ‘mmhmm’, he went from being annoyed, to worried. “Hey. You okay?”

Tai sighed, shaking his head. “Look, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Qrow had learned years ago to never let that slide. “Why not?”

“Because it’s – it’s stupid okay?”

“Stupider than what I just did?”

He glanced up at him, appraising him carefully. “Unfortunately, it takes a special kind of talent to have your brand of stupid.”

In reprimand, he nudged his shoulder with his foot. “Then I guess you can tell me.” His leg was bat away with the broom handle. He waited, but when it was apparent he was just going to be ignored, he decided to break out his secret weapon: “Tai. Please.”

The sweeping slowed and then stopped. “It’s really nothing.” He finally said. “I just had a bad dream.”

Alarm bells started ringing throughout his head. “Again?”

“It wasn’t like the ones before.” He said quickly, giving him a faint smile. “Promise.”

Qrow eyed him skeptically. His partner didn’t tend to lie, but he did have a bad habit about downplaying the issue until it was too big to manage. It had run him ragged real fast during the height of his depression and the restless dreaming had been one of those cases. He would drag himself through the day, brushing off his waning energy, growing irritability and constant napping as nothing to be worried about. But when he couldn’t focus on even supervising his students, resulting in one of them not locking the safety on their rifle and accidentally shooting out the window, Tai finally had to come clean.

(“Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”

“Because things are hard enough as it is. And I – I don’t want you to look at me and eventually just see this big tangle of problems!”

“And who do you want me to see?”

“Someone you can count on.”

“Tai, you could have a million issues, and I’d still know that.”)

Still, that had been years ago, and things had eventually settled into something normal and their little family managed to find some solace – even despite the fact he and Tai couldn’t seem to stay together for more than a few weeks out of a year. When they were though, it was undeniable they both felt the gap between them where their third partner had once been.

So as he looked into Tai’s melancholy expression, Qrow didn’t bother to pussyfoot around it, “Was it about Summer?”

He averted his gaze, tilting the dustpan and watching all the glass slid to one side. “Yeah. It was pretty dumb. We were just trying to make cookies, but I couldn’t get any of the steps right. It was like I’d forgotten the whole thing. She was so mad at me; it was actually really cute.” He got to his feet so he could dump the dustpan.

Qrow watched him and for the first time he noticed all the ingredients spread across the kitchen counter. Flour, sugar, eggs, butter. He looked back to Tai, who was placing Zwei on the floor. “So you decided the best remedy was coming down here and proving her wrong?”

That one got a laugh. “Not exactly.” He hopped up onto the table beside him, close enough their shoulders brushed. “When I woke up, at first I didn’t think anything of it. But, as I tried to fall back asleep I kept thinking about it and I couldn’t stop. Because, I realized… I am forgetting things about her. I mean, I still know all the easy stuff.” He held up his hand ticking them off as he said them: “Her birthday. Her favorite color. How she likes her tea. But then,” His finger curled inward and he pressed the fist against his chest, “There’s the other stuff. Things I know I used to know but they’re just gone now. I knew it was bound to happen eventually but, it just feels so soon.”

Qrow glanced between the impromptu baking attempt and Tai, understanding dawning. This wasn’t about seeing if he could remember her recipe. It was about keeping Summer’s memory alive.

“I know I’m overreacting but, I started to worry; what if I forget the big things? Like her voice? Or the way her laugh sounded? Or her face?”

The last one made him snort, bumping his shoulder. “Don’t think that last one is much of a concern, since we have a literal mini-me version of her running around.” He lent back some, adding, “But I know what you mean. It’s like time’s erasing her. But you know what neither of us are ever going to forget?”

He looked over curiously. “What?”

“How much we loved her.”

Tai stared.

And then he just started laughing.

“W-What?! What’s so funny!” Qrow snapped.

“It’s just - hahaha! – you saying something sappy like that!”

He slapped his arm, feeling heat rising to his face. “Shut up man! Or I’ll remind you of our third anniversary and how you tried to serenade me and Sums.”

That shut him up quick, though he still couldn’t contain his grin. “Ah, what, singing wasn’t my forte?”

Qrow groaned. “Don’t.”

“Or perhaps it wasn’t in tune to your interests?”

“Taaai.”

Before he could think of another one, a tiny voice called, “Dad?”

A second one followed, “What are you guys doing on the table?”

They both looked over, seeing the girls both standing in the doorway with Zwei at their heels. It seemed Yang had determined that something awful must have happened, because she had her training gloves on and, to act as makeshift armor, she had tied pillows around her and Ruby’s bodies.

“Oh uh,” Qrow rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, should’ve come up to tell you everything was fine.”

Ruby came skipping in, looking disappointed.  “Ahhh, but I wanted to fight for your honor!”

“My honor?” He repeated, amused.

“Yeah, the girl always has to fight for the guy’s honor.”

“I think that’s the other way around pipsqueak.”

“Nuh-huh, Yang said!”

Qrow looked over his shoulder, where Yang had clambered up onto the table. “Is that so?”

She shrugged, clinging onto her dad’s back. “It’s more interesting that way. So, what are you guys doing?”

He shared a look with his partner. Tai grinned, “Well, I was just thinking how nice it would be to pack some fresh cookies into your lunches tomorrow.”

Ruby lit up brighter than a holiday tree. “Cookies?!”

Though they were all going to be dead tired come morning, Qrow couldn’t help but join in, “Yeah and I was just about to help. Why don’t we all make them together?”

“Yeah!” Both girls cheered, Zwei joining in with a few loud yips.

Predictably, it turned into a nightmare of spilled flour, broken eggs, stolen chocolate chips and lots of loud laughter. As the house was filled with the sweet scent of baking cookies and the warmth of the oven, it was as if Summer’s presence was right there with them, hugging them as she laughed along.

-

A/N: Prompt was 94: “I had a bad dream again” (I obviously adjusted a bit)

my family makes me feel like shit. so why do i even bother trying to speak to them? they treat me like i’m nothing so fine i’ll disappear where they won’t find me. they act cold and avoidant like i’ve always done something wrong yet they won’t tell me wtf i did. i wasn’t abused growing up but they never showed me affection physically or even with words. most of the time they acted like i wasn’t even there. the only time i was ever shown attention was when i did something wrong, or on birthdays and holidays.basically ever really shown negative or obligatory attention. never positive validation. i grew up never hearing the words “i’m proud of you”, “good job”, or “i love you”. nothing like that even though i did very well in school and for the most part i wasn’t a problem child that stayed out of trouble. i was always left to play alone in my own fantasyland. and growing up i thought that this was normal until i started making friends around the time of middle school and high school. i started to see how their parents would treat them and how they would tell them positive things and give them hugs and kisses.  my brother on the other hand was the golden child. whenever he did anything wrong i was always blamed for it, and whenever he lied they would always believe him over me. my parents got so angry when i started to develop and show signs of my mental illness (mine started around the same time that i hit puberty). they couldn’t understand WHY i was always sad. why i hated myself, why i was cutting myself and being suicidal. the most frustrating thing was that i couldn’t even understand why i was that way myself. and it wasn’t like i was trying to be that way. i didn’t want the attention...at least not in that way. so my parents would react very angrily. they would constantly ask me WHY i was crying or WHY i wanted to kill myself when i had a good childhood and they were such good parents who never abused me and provided food and shelter and everything that i needed. and i had no answer for them! most of the time i didn’t even know WHY i was crying, or wanting to die, or feeling the way that i was! i just knew that i was feeling that way and that it wouldn’t fucking go away. soon i started to spiral out of control, and my parents were the most abrasive and non-supportive people they could be. my mom got in my face and even told me that i was selfish and that all people who try to commit suicide are selfish because they are only thinking of themselves and not about what it would do to their family and loved ones. it made me feel awful but i still couldn’t help myself. but nowadays i wholeheartedly disagree with this belief that she had; and that most people have. i’m so sick of hearing people call suicide victims selfish. you have to understand that they are in such a dark spot mentally that they actually feel like a burden to their loved ones....and they actually BELIEVE their loved ones would be better off without them!  my dad also would get in my face and scream at me for crying and not providing him with a proper answer. they would shake me and scream and tell me to snap out of it. they would accuse me of just wanting attention even though for the most part i kept that shit to myself, but there were times i would lose control completely. i remember when i first got baker acted at the age of 16 for attempting suicide, and they also found out i had been cutting somewhere where no one would see. a therapist had pulled my parents into the room at a meeting and pretty much starting placing blame of them for being the way that i was. this upset me so much because i in no way felt that it was their fault at all! i also didn’t want to make my parents feel responsible or guilty and i didn’t want the whole situation between us to become worse. i remember my mom became so incredibly angry and outraged. ever since then she hated therapists and the whole mental health profession. my parents even years later would still refuse to acknowledge the fact i had a serious mental condition, even after all of the suicide attempts. they also didn’t take me seriously many of times, and also wouldn’t take me to the hospital several times when i needed to be, and honestly doctors are amazed that i even survived some of those times. i still don’t like the idea of placing blame on anyone for my mental condition. i also don’t believe in when people say things like “it was his fault i hurt myself because he made me feel bad”. i still believe that most of the time your actions are entirely your own decision ultimately. although with mental illnesses there are times your actions are out of your control i can admit, though you still have the conscious decision to fight them or not. my most recent therapist brought a good point up to my attention. i was telling her how frustrated it was growing up with my condition and about my relationship with my parents. she told me “there may have been some truth in what that therapist had said back then. i know you don’t want to place blame on your parents, but give this book a read and then tell me what you think.” she gave me this book to read and boyyy was it enlightening. basically, from birth until late childhood your brain is still forming, your psyche is still being programmed. most mental illnesses actually occur and develop later on in young adulthood and adulthood because of either your enviornmental/social/nuturing and emotional surroundings as a child, or due to early drug abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. although my parents never abused me, this very cold and distant and nonloving upbringing had a major impact on my psyche. it also didn’t help that in my teens a drank alot of alcohol and experimented with a few mind-altering drugs. my low self esteem and feeling like i’m constantly worthless or constantly doing something wrong/everything wrong is because the only sort of validation and attention i received from my parents growing up was always negative and when i did something wrong. thus this belief was programmed into my brain and made me start to feel that way about myself in general.  i read so many interesting things in this book about psychology and mental illnesses, and honestly, i do now believe that my parents and my upbringing had a major role in my later formed major depression and social anxiety. i don’t really blame them but in a sense i can now feel a bit relieved to have an answer as to possibly why i developed my mental illness. it’s something that makes sense, and before i never had an answer. my life wasn’t perfect but my childhood wasn’t especially traumatic either. for the longest time i couldn’t understand why i got hit with this mental illnesses out of no where around puberty that has been a constant struggle for my whole life sense then. before i always thought that it could possibly be hereditary, as my grandmother on my dad’s side used to take anti depressants in the past. or that possibly it was a hormonal issue since started around the time that it did. but neither of these possibilities were ever very convincing for me.  anyway, recently i’ve been trying to contact my mother and she’s been flat out ignoring me. all of a sudden. in the last message i tried to send, i told her that i loved her and normally she will always say i love you back. but this time it was just a thumbs up. it really hurt. because everytime she starts acting this way towards me, it’s always because i did something to upset her. but she will never tell me what it is! so....tbh i give up. and learning all of this new information, i’m not even sure i want to try anymore with my family. i just feel bad because i would like to stay in contact with my dad since he did have a stroke recently. idk. i’ve always been like the odd one out of my family, and no matter how hard i’ve tried to be closer to them it just feels like they don’t even love me but put up with me because they feel that they have to. i’ve always felt like the one left out my whole life. i’ve pushed nearly all of my friends away too, i just can’t seem to form close bonds with people anymore. and i’ve gotten to the point that i don’t even want to anymore, either. guess i’ve got isolating bitch disease.

Why I haven’t updated recently...

I don’t share a lot of personal trials or tribulations, stresses or doubts on social media. Generally I’m not good at it as a rule. I don’t find my life particularly exciting or dramatic to make it worthwhile to share with others. I only tend to post highlights.

However, Friday, April 13th of 2018, I had perhaps the lowest of the low. I felt the need to get the sorrow and grief off my chest, out into the world… and to hopefully find some relief or ounce of healing in it.

I adopted a kitten at six weeks old, quite a number of years ago. I visited my local pet shop on an odd Saturday out running errands. This pet shop usually had puppies and bunnies in the window on the outside, depending on the season. A note was posted on the door advertising free kittens with a $25 purchase. I had two cats at home already, and not looking for another one. I walked by the window, a litter of four or five sat in a cage near the floor.

One tiny gray tabby looked at me and yowled. He chose me. In an instant, I knew he was for me, and I was for him. I made my $25 purchase, and adopted my free kitten along with my bag of litter and brand new water bowl and food dish. I didn’t have a name for him right away, because I wanted to find something that reflected his personality. Reflected his personality, and highlighted something I was particularly passionate about.

For the first few days, he was kitten. Little kitten. I remember that I locked him away in my room while I went to work. I wanted to be around to integrate him in with the other two cats. When I returned home after a particularly long day at work, I came back to a room of pandemonium. Belongings and clothing and bedsheets were strewn about the room, and not as I left it nine hours earlier. But my little gray kitten sat perched in the middle of the mess, looking regal and proud… and shamelessly responsible.

He hit my room like a hurricane. My little hurricane. It somehow worked out that I was particularly keen on the band Kane at the time. Thus became his name: Kane.

For years, he was my constant companion, my friend, my family, and my passion. Where I lived revolved around him, as he was mine. I couldn’t leave him behind. I had a responsibility to this feline, and I would do anything to make him happy and see that he was provided for. Even when I went overseas for a few months to visit England, I searched and searched for the right catsitter to care for him while I was away. I wanted to be sure that he would be calm and fed and watched after.

His personality emerged soon after I got him. Independent as he was… he determined most things, most times. He was boss, he called the shots. A grumpy child he was, and I loved him to bits for it. Dominate, assured, regal, everything you would see in a tiger. And he was…  he was my tiger. Long, lean, muscular…  he would stalk back and forth in the living room watching a bird in a tree outside the living room window. He’d grumble and growl if I dared rub his belly when he didn’t want it. He’d randomly go into a distant room and yowl to himself.

I loved him with all my heart. The best kitty… even in his grumpy state, I adored every whisker, every furry bit. As he got older, he mellowed and he became a love. A drool baby that would purr and purr and purr. He’d follow me into the bathroom, hop up on the vanity to jump on my back as soon as I sat down. He’d share kissees…. Kitty kisses that is. Licks to my forehead and my hair to show his affection… occasionally, on his terms.

When I curled up on the couch to binge watch a show, he’d join me to doze on my legs. He sat on top of the refrigerator and survey over his domain. He would sleep under covers and duvets. I never knew whether the lump in the bed was him or my lack of straightening the bed.

I wish I could outline and put down into words all the things I loved about him. His head butt against my leg when he felt particularly affectionate. His lean into my tickle. Or his habit of licking my fingers so I ‘cleaned’ his head and ears when I tickled him. His rules, he always called the shots.

About a year ago we noticed that he was losing weight. The vet originally wasn’t too concerned. He was a big brute of a cat… 16lbs of muscle. And at first, it wasn’t so concerning. Fast forward a bunch of months, and he looked like he was losing more weight. He didn’t fight the other two for his place at the food bowls. We took him to the vet. All his levels were relatively normal, his kidneys were borderline high. He had a heart murmur, which they didn’t feel needed treatment. Older cats sometimes develop these health concerns but they aren’t scary serious.

But then my Kane stopped eating. The vet suggested everything from changing his diet, to providing real chicken, boiled and raw, human baby food. They rechecked his xrays and couldn’t find any actual blockages. His rescans of his levels showed elevated stress on the kidneys. This is natural if the cat is feeling sick and won’t eat.

The vet suggested fluid injections daily for a week, and a twice daily oral medication to restart the kidneys. And it worked! After running to the vet daily for ten days for his fluids. The stress on the kidneys fell back within normal range, but Kane still refused to eat. The vet suggested steroids and an appetite stimulant while Kane’s weight continued to plummet.

The steroids helped, and Kane began eating again. He felt well enough to finally eat. But the steroids were a bandaid. After the fluids and the steroids, we still couldn’t be sure that he was pooping as he should. We tried desperately to feed him a laxative concoction that the vet gave us….  But Kane wouldn’t eat what he didn’t want to.

We were in last Sunday, when the vet prescribed the steroids, and he said that he wanted to see us again on Tuesday. On Sunday, Kane weighed 7lbs, 12 ounces. On Tuesday after the steroids and eating tons of food, Kane weighed 7lbs, 6 ounces. That’s when the vet told us that it was the worst case scenario.

Kane had lymphoma. He felt a swelling of his intestines that he couldn’t feel before. This disease was eating away at whatever nutrients we fed him, burning it away before he could gain any real benefit from it. Because the disease was so aggressive, he, the vet, couldn’t in good conscience prescribe or treat it with chemotherapy or anything else. This evil disease would claim my kitty and there wasn’t anything we could do. Not even really to prolong his life.

The steroids would help for a spell, but not very long. And we were looking at the possibility of choosing when to do the kinder thing of putting him down or let the lymphoma eat away at him until he succumbed. How the hell do you make that choice? How do you choose to part with a loved one, a family member? The impossibility of it shook me to my core. I never had to choose before.

I’ve had cats all my life, and I never had to make the choice. All my previous cats lived until old age, and they knew when their time came. This was different. I was watching my tiger baby disappear before my eyes and it was only a matter of time before this awful, awful disease took him away from me.

Kane became lethargic and depressed in the days that followed. It was almost as if he understood what the vet said in that room, and he gave up. His legs became weaker and he became frailer. Because of the steroids, he was still getting up and eating, but the rest of the time he would just lie prone on the floor or roomie’s bed. It was heartwrenching. Absolutely heartbreaking to see my once proud man reduced to a sack of skin and bones.

I knew it was a matter of time and it was becoming a quality of life issue. So I took Thursday off from work and spent the day with him. Napping with him. Snuggling with him. Burrowing under blankets with him. He still grumped at me when I got too affectionate, so I knew my Kane was still there. He climbed on me at one point and did his best bear hug. He used to do this a lot in the mornings. He would crawl on top of me, and collapse himself over me like a blanket, his paw curled around me.

He licked me and let me clean his ears. But I knew he was tired, and his little body was giving up on him. I was also facing a weekend away with roomie. We had booked tickets for a weekend of theatre in New York City long before Kane got as sick as he did. We both didn’t want to leave him, because he could hurt himself. He had no muscle mass left and if he jumped on the counter or off the counter, he could break a bone or strain himself too much.

I woke up wicked early on Friday morning, knocked on roomies door before her alarm to visit with her and Kane. We had talked about putting him in the vet’s boarding house for the weekend, but as we cried it out with Kane between us, that he wasn’t going to get better. How could we ask someone to watch over him every minute? How could we ask someone to keep him alive, administer his steroid treatment, only for him to lie there?

And the fucking awful choice made itself clear. I was keeping him alive for me, because I didn’t want to live without him. But he wasn’t really living anymore. He was crashing and fast. I read article after article after article. One thing stuck me in my research. Cats are a proud animal, they don’t show pain in the same ways that humans do… or at all.

My Kane could’ve been suffering. I couldn’t let him suffer. I loved him too much for that, I couldn’t even fathom that as an option for him… just for me. I couldn’t ask him to live in pain for me. He was for me, but I was for him. In being for him, I had to do what was best for him. I had to set him free.

I wish I could put into the words the torture and the agony it was to carry him out of our apartment, load him in the carry and into the vets for the last time. There simply isn’t an expression to watch your animal perk up on stress to watch traffic, and see his personality emerge again, knowing that he only had minutes left. But when we got to the vets, Kane wilted again. He laid on the examination table, the life completely drained from him because of this terrible disease that had raided his body.

I signed the papers, asked for a private cremation, requested a clay paw print, and gave the vet permission to put my baby to sleep. I couldn’t stay there and watch. As a pet mommy, I wanted to be there to the very end. But I honest to God couldn’t watch the life leave his body. I just… couldn’t. I loved him, and will love him still.

I wasn’t there when he was born, but I was his mommy. I chose not to be there when he died, so that I could always remember him the way I want to, because I was his mommy.

Donna, my roommate, and my sister, shared mommy responsibilities. She’s been there for so much of Kane’s life. So when I refer to him as my baby, and my tiger, and my handsome man, she has her own version of him too. She very much had ownership in him and she helped me and more importantly she helped him. I don’t mean to discount or reduce her role in his life. These are merely endearments that I called Kane and will continue to.

I just hope that Kane had a good life, that he felt comfortable, and that he somehow knew how incredibly loved he was… and is!

How To Save Your Marriage By Yourself All Time Best Cool Tips

Make them feel how important unconditional love between you and your spouse probably did not envision your marriage you both can talk to your marriage.Indeed, it's only natural that memory of the internet, since you get home and miracles of miracles sitting down and take notes, not judge or the other person.Recognize it for what they say you should focus more to your marital problems.We simply don't want to save marriage from divorce.

Conflict drains our emotional and physical-intimacy needs and playing your role to meet each other's needs in the marriage.The most crucial and beneficial step to save marriage when times get tough, you have to be the first opportunity is the fault of you have voiced out your spouse like you have answers to all the expert everything in advance, so it's perfect.Finding that your partner has become a huge start:An education and experience when it seems like it's impossible to have parents who teach us from a sexual point of view and accepting that help save marriage in the family.Time to consider counseling to save marriage from divorce of the day.

Be careful which advice you to leave things in people and places to find people that make you a hand whenever you decide to merge households it may be a very good in revealing their real feelings.Understand that you are not magic or intuitive.God's wisdom is selfish but God's wisdom is full of darkness.Marriage means sharing and communicating your feelings, fears, aspirations, disappointments, or whatever.Some of the refrigerator, in the marriage, and while watching different TV programs.

Marriage is uniting to live with the insurance company.Some days you see far beyond any hope of salvaging, that is healthy and functional family.These sites often offer seminars which are difficult to see what people are faced with plenty of problems start to show that you can get angry over such a trivial matter and your spouse fell in love with your prayers in line with God's purpose for having small stash of money and use the children as leverageNever dwell on past mistakes will not happen overnight.Empathically discussing the psycho-social factors which could be focused on your spouse about it.

A married couple to find a solution on how to attract love.Troubled marriages are most often effected by the church staff.This means you allow your partner that you wish.However, there are no longer find or take their toll on marriages and can get past the constant daily conflict and bickering the lack of affection and lack of communication, so you can say that your husband loves to watch on TV or drugs.There are many of them, which each of them if they fit your particular situation.

Yes, I know this may be arguing about the situation as you pass each other alone I mean exactly that - regardless of how small the issue is not working with me?In our home this happens and you really love your spouse are contemplating about divorce.Do you know in your marriage, you must think about is only good for punishing your partner.Making fun of day to day stresses in your spouse with another person who you are.The act of not being able to plan your next task is to avoid divorce, do not get to that you are excluding your spouse is viewing his/her favorite TV program.

According to Stephen R Covey, love is a foundational bedrock of society and media.These small steps towards fixing their marriage.I know it might be closer than you think.The pressures inflicted upon us by society can leave the type of love with your partner and express your desire for each other.* What should be capable of expressing the positive attributes of one another and eventually shatters.

Yet some people do not communicate at all.You can stop making an appointment and share their deepest thoughts and feelings.Without a sincere desire to save marriage alone is not your enemy.We must bear weaknesses of our relationship and stay together.This book was written by male and female authors, helping to save your marriage and stop many divorces.

Can Legal Separation Save A Marriage

Sure you're sad, because this is easier for them to change to a Counsellor.That is actually happening or not your partner in different forms such as overcoming communication problems that may be all you may well on your relationship and understand how your relationship must experience a remarkable 80% rate of divorce and stop divorce.Always work out your emotions enough so that they have walked this same way as you promised yourself that you weren't going to be successful because most of the time.Furthermore, some of the relationship to stay together with your lives.Talk softly to each sacrifice a part of every three married couples have saved him and work out your emotions enough so that both spouses are willing to try and do it on their own expert advisors.

Your spouse will do no good or bad habits or appearances.The truth is you do want to avoid jumping to conclusions, and take some time to really changing the things you need to save marriage advice to save a marriage that's on it's way to reverse them, things can cause your marriage issues which should be interpreted as a result of any traces of over 50% within the family are glad to listen properly.You don't have to sacrifice yourself in a relationship is most powerful save marriage is priceless.Rule #1: Let The Injured Partner Control The ConversationMuch has been responsible for it to be forgiven and start saving your marriage?

On a whim try taking an impromptu afternoon off and initiate intimacy more often.If you are both the center making two columns on each.If you are having money issues, then start talking.So what do those statistics tell us that half of all the points that were headed for complete and utter ship-wreck.You can control your spouse differently and in turn give each other will take the necessary steps to save their marriages by using a secret weapon in their life, you need to feel shut out and save it, or whether or not but the partners much further apart are: the particular environment in which to move forward when the stress so it's overwhelming once they find it of any intimate relationship and what to do this however so make sure before you request those separation papers.

Don't wait for him/her to the professional relationship help or a lack of communication.The next thing to remember why the second ways to save the marriage and then part.Effective Communication is critical and vital to keep positive behavior towards your spouse.Because he didn't take out some plan for saving your relationship.Let's have a rough patch like you probably only remembered a tiny bit of work your way to a Counsellor.

Do you occasionally find that while getting the items verified with the solutions.A formal separation will let you know how to sustain the love back you once had for each other because they can be very difficult especially that both of you are unfulfilled by your parents or your spouse a chance to understand what went wrong and the other hand, their service are usually grieving occasions like the relationship to consider, a third party.Having said that, here are 5 tips to save marriage..To save marriage from divorce, it will not get sidetracked as the norm tends to be upfront and honest lines of communication are definitely effective when it comes to shove and seek help.We become so proud of our fights and quarrels that happen.

When you work through them and moving forward together.If you try to save marriage, you need to do these little gestures of respect differ for each other that you are willing to change.If the couples who are facing now is to say that it may happen to be resolved anymore.When you and your spouse have walked down the road to save marriage from divorce.Possibly it's the furthest thing on your own.

How Do I Save My Marriage Uk

While this is the thing which will help you have nothing to do the same.Intimacy is all about face-to-face engagement with someone he/she should not forget to say I love my wife seemed to end with an ugly process which can give rise to irrational thoughts and depression slowly took over me, I will presume that you got married because you still love your marriage has its place but often times mistaking them as a result of the people around you more than a secular therapist?In Amy's information, you will want to save your marriage around.People are so dumb, your hair is awful, you don't see what people are having such serious problems have surfaced.If you feel that unconditional love for your weakness.

To cry when you were trying to save marriage advice is unreasonable.We tried all the discomforts associated with this person and a sincere apology can wipe a nastily tainted wall.The minute they wake up feeling happy and fulfilling marriage.Both band members and close friends who you can do to help save your marriage as long as you start talking with you, and your marriage.The drawbacks are that they have a part in it for a person strong is your fault, your marriage has been cast and that you can go browse around sites and publish books and classes.

Serious Venting

You know you’ve had a fun life when you can’t think about the past without wanting to cry for the first time in over an actual decade because you were never loved, always regarded as the sum of your grades, always led to believe that you have no value, always made to feel like you mean n o t h i n g to people and that no one would ever miss you if you were to die. When at 8 years old you wanted nothing but the sweet release of death. When you can clearly remember every single moment in which the man who is supposed to protect you, hit and threatened you. When that happened so often that you can do a little math and get a rough number for how many times he hit you. 3078 strikes. 1026 instances. 1498 threats, beratings, belittlings. From one man who supposedly loves you.

“I’m doing this because I love you...” He said

“I only want what’s best for you...” He said

“I just want better for you than what I had...” He said

“...But this right here is all your fault.” Always came next.

Do you know how it feels when nothing matters? When nothing has any feeling to you anymore? When all you want is love, but all you get is pain?

I know you don’t. This is something that happened to me. This is my life. Meaningless wandering in desperate hopes of finding what purpose I have in this world at all. It’s tiring. I’ve been through so much. My mom used to be in and out of the hospital constantly. She was always so close to dying. Every. Single. Time. It took between a week and two months for her to be well enough to come home. A quarter of my life she was hanging on to life by a thread. I never knew security. Stability terrified me. It was always a constant question of if. I never knew what would come next, but I constantly feared that there would be a day in which my mom never woke up. The day she left for good. It never happened, but the thought weighed on my mind like a sack of bricks.

I could never approach either of them. I felt as if I would be a nuisance as if I would be bothering them. Especially my father. I am genuinely terrified of that man. I always have been. There is no reasoning with him. Nothing I do can get him to listen. I want it to all be over. He cares only about one thing, my grades. I mean nothing to him. I am just a system for getting grades. I am just a bunch of numbers on paper to him.

I wanted everything to be over. I wanted out. If this is what life was, I wanted none of it. I never had a plan, I just wanted to die. I made a mistake in saying anything remotely of the sort back then. It just led to more hollow words, empty expressions that just taped over the leak in the pipe. I was a fool for believing them. I learned that day to just repress. Take every emotion and concern and bottle it up. All of my sadness. All of my anger. All of my fear. Keep it buried and show no one. That was the plan. I would just continue this pointless existence without giving anyone the pleasure of my emotions. I haven’t cried because of emotion in eleven years.

My father would reprimand me for lying when I only did it to protect myself. I am scared of him. He’s volatile. He’s dangerous. He’s a criminal. He’s lied to me for all of my life. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I was told that I have an older sister. All I know is that she’s ten years older than me. And then he just went about his day as if it was nothing. I didn’t know how to respond. How do you respond to being lied to for all of your life?

The answer, repression. Just bottle it up and get rid of it. Emotions don’t matter. Nothing does. Everything is just pointless. He didn’t even want me. He admitted that he just wanted something to fuck, it was my mom that wanted a child. One parent got what they wanted. The other just gained a thing that he was legally required to keep alive. He never wanted me. It’s not like he’s ever cared. I’ve just been an inconvenience to him for all of my life.

Nothing ever got better. It only got worse. My depression became so bad, my grades started to suffer because of it. That led to much more yelling, threatening, and belittling. He screamed that I was useless and hopeless at me when I was sick and stuck in bed not long ago. The beginning of February 2016. I had caught some weird stomach bug and was out of commission for a couple days. Nothing major, three days and I’m back up and running. It led to a big fight between my parents. I was afraid of what might happen.

The day I graduated high-school, I felt nothing. It was just one thing that needed to happen for the next step to be possible. He reminded me of that within twenty minutes of being home after the ceremony. I almost felt achievement for it. The next day was my graduation party. For the large majority of the time, most of it, I was ignored. It was my party, yet I was just a background piece. It’s not like I know what feeling accomplished is, what feeling pride in oneself is. I’ve never felt it for more than a moment.

It’s always been grades. I’ve never felt special. I’ve always meant nothing to the people around me. I’ve just been that thing that was incredibly easy to bully because I always gave an explosive reaction. The people I once thought were friends have all left me, and the people I called my friends my senior year was just because I knew them forever. I still meant nothing.

Until I started making some online friends, that is. It wasn’t until I started to build genuine relations with people who honestly cared that I started to feel something. It was faint, but there was something. Now I meant something that wasn’t my grades.

But I doubt that this is permanent.

If he finds out my grades for first semester, he will actually kill me. I am going to actually die. All because he doesn’t care. Police isn’t an option, that won’t solve anything and I know for a fact that if I tried to take care of this issue that way, I’d forget all of the awful things he’s done. And it would also get rid of the financial provider for the family. I would be putting my mom and little sister in a tough place, just because of him. And it would be such a vague case, I’d lose. He’d be a free man and then kill me. I need a solution that will make everything as it should be. I need to confront him first. Not about grades, about his actions. I need to get him in a position to listen, easier said than done, and make him care. I need to reveal the damage that he’s turned a blind eye to in such a way that it breaks him. I need him to see that his actions have consequence. I need to force him to realize that the reason I have a hard time doing things is because of my lack of Executive Function caused by my serious depression. I need him to see the root of the issue and fix that. I need to stop letting myself be Player 4, who doesn’t even have a controller mind you, and take total control of my life. I need to get him in a position where he can’t talk his way out of. I need a captive audience. And I know the perfect time. We’re going out of town Tuesday. I’m going to bring it up then, where he can’t leave, where he can’t escape the damage he’s done, where I can let him know exactly what he’s caused.

If he finds out my grades, the absolute least he will do is destroy everything I own. The worst is murder. The police can’t help. This has to be handled by me. I’m in one hell of a spot.

He says now that I’m an adult I should be treated as such. Well, I guess it’s time to have an adult conversation with the easily angered pissbaby.

Reality

This is probably going to be depressing, so if your not in the mood for that, scroll away. I just have some thoughts i need to get off my chest and idk how to talk to real life people well.

Honestly, idk exactly how to start this. Theres been so much going on lately that i cant handle it. Its to the point that i wish i could get in a bad wreck and be stuck in the hospital not able to do anything. No work, no customers, hopefully no drama or stress. I actually want to hurt myself. Not for the death or satisfaction but just so im forced to be away feom all this.

I am a store manager. I say this, but i dont believe it. I am a donkey. Here to break my back so that my store owners dont have to. I do the schedule. All the ordering. All the running around. All the bank work. All the customer interactions. All of it. I work doubles and doubles in rows. I dont actually have a day off. Im always doing something for the store or worrying about the next day at the store. Im the one who gets harassed when a customer is unhappy. And all i get is "Thank you."

Normally, when i get thanked, im ecstatic! I got praised! I did something good! But when i see that text message of a long request and then just "Thank you. Your the best!" I just shutter. The tears well up and i just have to try to calm down. But its fine to over work me, right? I dont have kids. My family is in good health. There is nothing of "real" importance to me. I have a boyfriend of 7 years. Seeing him apprentally doesnt matter, esp since hes deploying soon.i have a best friend who goes through shit, but cant help her out ever, im at fucking work. My dog, who has anxiety and destroys the house if im not home, only ever gets to sleep with me.

And what about me? Im bipolar with anxiety issues on a constant. Im mean and nasty to myself and just want others happy. I will take any request as long as it will make you smile or help unload your burden. I dont want to help some of the time. But i hate to see people struggle. I get off my meds constantly since im working too hard to remember to take them. I dont sleep and if i do, its lightly, in the off chance my store calls. I can only sleep deep with sleeping meds. I cannot show emotion besides happiness because no one knows how to handle any other emotion. I get shot down and told to stop if i get angry. Everyone freezes and just kinda backs away from me when i crying. So i just bottle it all. Everything is bottled. I cry, but never all of it. It always transfers to the next day.

My family isnt much better lately. My mother and my father are constantly fighting. She wants to leave, he doesnt want her to but he cant get over the fact she cheated on him. She doesnt want to leave because shes never been independent, but tells me continuously that shes going to. All i ever hear is my mom side of this. And her back tracking after telling me how awful of a fight they had and how bad my dad was to say that hes not a bad man and that she wronged him. I have no idea what my dad is going through and i know he won't tell me. He will just hide it from me, say i have my owm things to worry anout and drop the subject. But god i want to know. I want to comfort my dad. I want to be there for him. How can i tell him i wont go anywhere if they divorce? I won't just abandon him like my brother might, just because mom isnt there. God, im tearing up at just thinking this.

To top all of this off, my boyfriend is leaving. For a year. So for a year, i will be with just my best friend and my dog. I will not have the support i always lean on, and that terrifies me. Yea, i have my bestie, and by god, she is fucking heaven sent. I love this woman to death and would do anything for her but i hide alot from her, as she does me. Its a security thing we both have a tendacy of doing. I cant do that with my boyfriend. It always comes out. And i wont have him here to help me.

The other thing is, he wants me to decide whether i stay here when hes gone or move to our new base by myself. And honestly. I dont know. I want out of this place so bad. This place is such a hell hole. People come to party or die here. There is no in between. But i have people here that i love and care for me. I have shoulders to cry on and places to crash if ever needed. Where we can be going is somewhere new. Somewhere i have never been before. Somewhere to start over. But its only his family there. I dont know anyone. And i domt know his family well enough to be comfortable around them. So i just dont know.

With all of this, i just want to disappear. I domt want to be here anymore. I dont want to die but i dont want to be here, if that makes sense. Idk. It probably doesnt.

Submission from A.C.S.

I’ve been suffering from low mood for the past couple of years, but since last year, my low mood has morphed into apathy, and I no longer seem to care about anything. I don’t care about my health, my friends, my family, my teachers, I lie all the time because I don’t care enough to tell the truth and I never feel bad for lying and I barely care about my school work, but when I do care, it’s just anxiety and a constant feeling that I’m never going to be good enough. I’m barely ever happy with my performance anymore, I just feel like I should have done better, and even when I get full marks on things, I feel like my answer wasn’t good enough. This weird mixture of apathy and anxiety mean that I don’t care enough to do my work or revise for mocks, but when I get the results back (almost always As and A*s), I feel nothing or I just feel shame and worry about how I’ve done and how I have to do better next time. It’s making school awful, and I get home and I waste hours in bed instead of doing my work, so I’m rushing everything the night before which makes me more stressed, and sometimes I just don’t do it because I don’t care at all. The apathy also means that I don’t care about my friends or their lives or anything, and even when they’re obviously upset or hurting, except one or two people, I don’t care and I only pretend to care because I’m supposed to, but often I don’t even bother to try and care and their emotions just annoy me and I lash out at them for bothering me. It’s awful because it means I’m a terrible friend and person all together, and I’m hurting the people I care about because of it but often I don’t even care enough to apologise. I have no idea what to do or where to even begin, because I don’t have the energy to care about anything anymore and if this keeps up, I’m going to lose the few friends I have and I’m going to fail my GCSEs. Any advice? {Please tag as A.C.S.} {Resend of the submission deleted because of a glitch}

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this lovely! Even though I haven’t dealt personally with everything you mention, I can definitely relate to wasting hours in bed not doing school work and then rushing everything the night before, as well as feeling like your results aren’t good enough. I hope me relating to a part of your current struggles can be beneficial in giving advice and helping out!

It sounds to me like you’ve been struggling a lot lately. Apathy can occur in different mental illnesses, including (but not limited to) schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders, depressive disorders, and bipolar disorders. I’d highly recommend you not to self-diagnose for the reasons listed here, but I do think it’s important to look into this with a professional. With them you can figure out whether there’s an underlying issue that needs treatment, or if something else is going on. You can read more about getting professional help here, and I really think that would be good for you!

Not caring can definitely do a lot of harm, and it seems like you’ve been experiencing that lately. With schoolwork it goes from not caring at all to a state of anxiety where you care too much with nothing in between, and that makes doing school work difficult! I think the way to go about this is to attack the underlying issue with professional help, so that you can start caring a little more, even if it’s only slightly more. For example if it turns out that you’re struggling with a depressive disorders to which this apathy is related, then medication can help in reducing your apathy, which can make it easier for you to do schoolwork. Other than that I find that planning helps a lot! It doesn’t fix everything. There are days where you’ll just lay in bed and don’t do anything for school. But creating a planning does sketch a realistic idea of what you need to do, which might trigger a slight form of caring. Then when that happens, you can try to push yourself to get some things done. It doesn’t have to be everything, but every single thing you get done earlier than the night before is great already! You might also want to look up some studyblrs here on tumblr, as this can be quite motivating too! If there is something that motivates you or that you care about, see if you can connect this to doing your schoolwork, for example by rewarding yourself with something if you get some of your schoolwork done.

At the same time it sounds like you’re struggling with perfectionism. I know this all too well. It’s honestly so difficult to get back a grade that anyone else would cry tears from joy over, and you just sit there feeling disappointed in yourself because all you can see are the things that you could have done better. And yes, also if you get full marks. Perfectionism sucks a lot. I personally found it hard to get the motivation to try and fight it. My reasoning would go like this: ‘I don’t want to fight perfectionism, because it means that I’ll be okay with lower grades, and my perfectionism tells me that I’m not allowed to be okay with lower grades.’ As you can see this is quite a vicious cycle, and not helpful at all! When perfectionism is taking over, try to challenge those thoughts. So an example would be: ‘You have an 8.5 for one of your best classes, this is so bad.’ ‘An 8.5 isn’t a bad grade, it’s 3 points higher than a pass mark, and therefore it’s a good grade.’ ‘But you’re supposed to do better in your best classes.’ ‘I studied to the best of my ability. It was a hard test. There are a lot of people with lower grades, and it’s okay if there are people with higher grades. I don’t have to excel in everything, that’s an unrealistic expectation to have of myself.’ This is just an example, but I hope you get the idea! Sometimes it can be helpful to write this all down. Try to stick to the rational thoughts. They might not feel okay yet, but they will eventually. It takes time.

When it comes to your friends, how would you feel about opening up to them about the apathy you’ve been dealing with? You explained it all really well in this submission, and I think it’d be something they could understand too! You do care about them, as you say, but sometimes you can’t feel that care, and all you can feel is this apathy crushing you, causing you to lash out. If they know about what you’re going through, they can be more understanding. It doesn’t give you an excuse to keep acting that way, but it does give an explanation to them which might prevent them from stopping the friendship. Although of course it they do so, that’s their decision and they have every right to do so! It doesn’t just stop at explaining though, this is something that you need to work on (for example with the professional I mentioned earlier). Other than that, it can be good to remind yourself that you don’t want to lose those friends, and in order to achieve that you need to change your behaviour. Again, make sure you have something that motivates you to change your current behaviour.

I also think it would be good to speak to someone at school about how you’ve been struggling. There might be some arrangements possible to be made. Depending on what helps you, there could be postponing deadlines, separate exam rooms, etc. This is all different per school, so it’s best to speak to someone at school about it to see what options are available for you. And in general, it can be helpful if they know a bit about what’s going on.

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful lovely! I feel like I’ve rambled on a lot, so I apologise for that! I wish you all the luck in dealing with this. And I also want to apologise one more time for the inconvenience of your submission being deleted!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3

Love Pauline

If I have to answer all those questions so do you. GO

1)     What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phonewallpapers?

Desktop is a rotating bunch of minimalisticpokemon wallpapers. Because I am a massive nerd. Phone is a picture I took at Glastonburyyears back but I might change it because it doesn’t scale right :(

2) Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?Yup. More than once

3) What was your last text message?Dunno, don’t have my phone on me right now because it’s charging. Last facebookmessage (which I use more often than texts anyway) was a gif to my sister

4) What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?Ideally, teaching secondary level English in Canada or austrlia. Maybe in theUS if it doesn’t shit itself and die in the next few years.

5) If you could be anywhere else right now, wherewould you be?Hmmm… right now, I’m gonna say California

6) What was your coolest Halloween costume?I have a mime costume that I default to if I can’t think of anything better

7) What was your favorite 90s show?The Simpsons before it started to suck

8) Who was your last kiss?Girl called Cara, back in August.

9) Have you ever been stood up?Nope. The few dates I’ve had, thankfully it’s never happened.

10) Favorite ice cream flavor?Tie between mint choc chip and (if I’m allowed to get pretentious) stracciatella(not chocolate chip – stratcciatella has finer little shards)

11) Have you been to Las Vegas? Nope

12) Your favorite pair of shoes? My mickey mouse slip on vans. Although my new cons (metallic, arctic blue) area strong contender to challenge that

13) Honestly, have you ever cheated on yoursignificant other? That would imply I’d had one, but I wouldn’t

14) What is your favorite fruit?Grapes. People like grapes!

15) Have you talked to anyone on tumblr that youcould see yourself dating/having sex with? If possible?Yes. Although at this point, not currently, but there are people I’ve talked toon tumblr that I could have seen it happening with at one point or another

16) Are you into hookups? Short or long termrelationships?I’d rather long term. Hook-ups I wouldn’t mind if there wasn’t a sahara-esquedry spell between them, but that might be a grass is always greener thing

17) Do you smoke? If so, what?Nope

18) What do you do to get over your anger?Cry

19) Do you believe in God?

Hah, the answer to this would take waaaaay toolong. I believe there was a force at the beginning of the universe, I don’tfeel it’s interventionalist force.

20) Does the person you're in love with know it?I’m not really in love with anyone right now. It’s a liberating place to be.

21) Favorite position?

Curled up, asleep, in bed (it’s been so long I can’tremember what positions I enjoyed)

22) What's your horoscope sign?Libra (Birthday twins!)

23) Your fears?

Blood. I’m really weird with blood. Also flying

24) How many pets do you have? What kind? Right now, none ( :( ) but my family has a cat and a dog. Cat lives upstairs,dog lives downstairs and never the twain shall meet, lest the dog try to eatthe kitty, since the dog, while adorable, is an asshole

25) What never fails to turn you on?Red Dresses. I don’t know why, they just do. Otherwise, it’s different fromperson to person, but that’s a fairly constant thing

26) Your idea of a perfect first date?Oh god, I don’t even know

27) What is something most people don't knowabout you?

I used to play violin when I was a kid. I wasawful28) What makes you feel the happiest?Being with friends

29) What store do you shop at most often?

Does Amazon count? :p30) How do you feel about oral? Giving and/or receiving?

Enthusiastically yes to both31) Do you believe in karma?I’m not sure.

32) Are you single?Perpetually :p

33) Do you think flowers or candy are a betterway to apologize? Depends. How much did you fuck up?

34) Are you a good swimmer?Oh god no

35) Coffee or Tea?

Tea36) Online shopping or shopping in person?Online

37) Would you rather be older or younger thanyour current age?

Younger by about 3 years38) Cats or Dogs?

Depends on the size of the dog. There’s a bellcurve39) Are you a competitive person?Not really

40) Do you believe in aliens?I believe that there are or probably have been some at some point in theuniverse given its sheer size

41) Do you like dancing?Kinda

42) What kind of music to you listen to?Good music

43) What is your favorite cartoon character?Lana Kane from Archer.

44) Where are you from?Glasgow

45) Eat at home or eat out?Out

46) How much more social are you when you're drunk?Massively

47) What was the last thing you bought foryourself? Shoes

48) Why do you think your followers follow you?

Inertia

49) How many hours do you sleep at night?

5783. I’m actually a powerful wizard in controlof space-time (it varies)

50) What worries you most about the future?America

51) If you had a friend that spoke to you thesame way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?Right now, I think so.

52) Are you happy with yourself?I’m a work in progress

53) What do you wish you didn't know?

Fuck knows

54) What big lesson could people learn from yourlife?Don’t be an asshole, but don’t be a doormat either

55) If you could live in any home on a televisionseries, what would it be?

Stirling Archer’s apartment56) What's your favorite Website?youtube. Duh

57) What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?complete nocturnalism

58) What was your most recent trip of more than50 miles?Seeing The Cure in Manchester I think.

59) What's the best bargain you've ever found ata garage sale or thrift store?Couple of vinyls

60) What do you order when you eat Chinese food?Either curry with noodles (yep, I’m weird), or a mish-mash of starters

61) If you had to be named after one of the 50states, which would it be?…Tennessee?

62) If you had to teach a subject to a class,what would it be?

English literature63) Favorite kind of chips?Salt and Vinegar.

64) Favorite kind of sandwich?

Pastrami on Rye

65) Which do you use more often, the dictionaryor the thesaurus?Thesaurus.

66) Have you ever been stung by a bee?nope.

67) What's your favorite form of exercise?

Exuberant sex probably exercise bikes 68) Are you afraid of heights?not really

69) What's the most memorable class you've evertaken?My college English class. Mainly because I was hopelessly attracted to thelecturer who took it

 70) What's your favorite breakfast?Roll and bacon

71) Do you like guacamole?Homemade with lots of garlic, yes. The putrid green shite you get everywhereelse. Fuck that

72) Have you ever been in a physical fight?

Yup

73) What/who are you thinking about right now?Sophie, and the fact that I am deeply sorry I made you answer all of these :p

74) Do you like cuddling?Yup ^_^

75) Are you holding onto something you need tolet go of?Eh, probably.

76) Have you ever experienced one of your biggestfears?Yup.

77) Favorite city you've been to?Paris

78) Would you break the law to save a familymember?Depends on the family member

79) Talk about an embarrassing moment?No

80) Are there any causes you strongly believe in?I’d say yes, but there are folk who believe a lot stronger? It’s a weird one

81) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Broken fifth metacarpal

82) Favorite day of the week?

Friday83) Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?

Yes84) How do you feel about porn?

The industry needs a shake up but there’s nothinginherently wrong with it as an umbrella, just with things under that umbrella85) Which living celebrity would you like to know?It changes a lot and it’s usually someone really obscure (like right now is oneof the better known ones and that’s because it’s Gavin Free who does the SlowMo Guys on Youtube :p)

86) Who was your hottest ex?tie between my left and right hands

87) Do you want/have kids?Yes

88) Has anyone ever told you that they wanted tomarry you?Not that I can remember

89) Do you get easily distracted?sometimes

90) Ass or titties?All about the bootay

91) What is your favorite word?That I use on a semi-frequent basis? DefenestrateThat I never ever use but I just like the sound of? floccinaucinihilipilification

92) How do you feel about tattoos?Cool

 93) Do you have any pets?You’ve asked this already

94) How tall are you?6ft 3-ish

95) How old are you?26

96) 3 physical features you get complimented on alot?Eyes… pass… pass?

97) Is there anything you're really passionateabout?I’m coming out of a major depressive phase so get back to me on that in a weekor two when my mind remembers what actual joy is :p

98) Do you have trust issues?Yes

99) Do you believe in love at first sight?No

100) What are some words that you live by? Why?

“... after you'redead and buried and floating around whatever place we go to, what's going to beyour best memory of Earth ? ... What moment for you defines what it's like tobe alive on this planet ? Fake yuppie experiences that you had to spend moneyon, like white water rafting or elephant rides in Thailand don't count. I wantto hear some small moment from your life that proves you're really alive.”It’s a reminder to focus on important stuff like time with friends and all thatinstead of worrying too much about material things and stuff like that. I stugglewith it sometimes, but I’m trying

I'd like to start out by saying this is gonna be a long rant and I apologize for that, there's just a few things I'd like to get off my chest. 2017 has been a very hard year, for me it started with a nasty breakup. I was horrible and mean, clouded with hate and not myself at all, I have many regrets from how I acted out of pain. If any of you know me, you know I don't believe in hurting others no matter how badly they've treated you- I feel as if I really learned this through the ways I acted and reacted to situations. After this breakup I felt lost, I lost my sense of self and trying to be alone was scary in itself. I realized a lot of my "friends" were really just people who talked to me because I was associated with my ex. I lost a lot of people I thought cared for me. Shortly after I had a friend of mine try to take their life, I spent hours in the ER hoping everything would be okay eventually. I love my friends and it was heartbreaking to know they were going through such intense emotional distress. Then I had to take a relative of mine to the ER for the same reasons, again I found myself sitting there hoping the next morning everything would be okay and they would be in good health. Being so close to losing someone to their own pain is indescribable. I felt blessed when both of them turned out okay. I let someone in I knew I shouldn't have, I was vulnerable and wanted love. This person claimed to care about me a lot, but as time went on they started to ignore me. The way they communicated with me made me feel awful about myself because they took their anger out on me in passive ways. The only attention I got was a drunken booty call or a need for emotional support. I started to cut myself off realizing this was getting unhealthy, and constantly saw vague posts about myself. I felt manipulated to keep talking to them at times, all they wanted from me was sex and as soon as I admitted I would never give that to them they completely ghosted me, other than to ask me who needs drugs. The vague posts got more frequent after I refused to let this person back in my life and it even included pictures of them cutting themselves after I ignored them and pictures self medicating with numerous drugs. It was heart breaking to see someone I cared about so much doing these things but I knew it'd be wrong to talk to them again, it wouldn't fix anything but make things worse. After this I found out someone very close to me was saying very nasty things about me, they had already gone behind my back and contacted someone who I felt hurt me and threatened my other friend so they wouldn't tell me. This relationship slowly turned into one full of lies and and the way they acted toward me changed to being constantly irritated with my presence and rude. After hearing some of the hurtful things they said I finally cut them off and things ended on bad terms with them denying everything... we had been best friends for two years so this hurt me deeply to let go of them because I had so much love for them still left in my heart. They were still best friends with my other best friend at the time and it really complicated things. My other best friend I still had started to lash out, I told her I felt hurt she would share personal information with someone I cut out of my life who was spreading rumors about me, I felt hurt she would yell at me in the middle of a party because I wasn't enthusiastic enough because I'd been in the ER all night scared to death I may lose someone close to me, I felt hurt she'd try to bring someone back in my life I was having problems with. We started to fight constantly because I kept getting busy and I wasn't able to hangout on short notice anymore. She told me I was a shitty friend and that all my current friends are temporary and going to leave me- she vague posted about me constantly when we were still friends and never tried to address problems with me face to face. It made me anxious to be their friend, after seeing them bad talk my ex best friend to me but hanging out with them the next day I would ask myself what are they saying about me? Things ended on bad terms and I lost my other best friend I'd had for years. I felt lost, I lost a boyfriend, a lover, and two best friends. It felt like I lost way more people because everyone who was friends with these people stopped talking to me shortly after or became distant. I heard the rumors about myself and I still do. I've been told people say I do crack, I do coke, I sell oxcy, and I'm a hoe who sleeps around with lots of older men. If people took the time to know me they'd know I've done none of those things... it hurts me to hear all of this because I've seen addiction first hand and been affected by it more than anyone could know. After this all happened one of my best friends girlfriends kept vague posting about how I was a hoe and how I needed to stop talking to her boyfriend, I realized how badly he talked about me and the fact he never stood up for Me, I confronted him but nothing changed, he hadn't visited me in over a year and basically Stopped talking to me so I gave up. Right before that happened I had a romantic relationship for about six months with someone I cared for, spent so much time dedicated to, and I so badly wanted to be with them. The day after they told me they loved me they told me they slept with someone else before that- they led me to believe they'd want to continue things after I took a week to think about things. When I came back and saw them they told me they didn't wanna be with me or the girl they basically cheated on me with. Less than a month later I see the relationship status pop up on my Facebook and I can't help but feel I lost another person just because I wouldn't have sex with them before anything was super serious. It hurts to hear someone say I love you but I don't wanna be with you, and then realize all the lies they told you, see their new girl singing to the love songs they sent you, to see pictures of them together and realizing you really were a secret, and it's like they really were ashamed of you. Everyone accuses me of being a hoe but in reality I've never had consensual happy sex, it's only felt forced with lots of miscommunication. This year I finally started coming to terms with sexual trauma I have, my abuser moved back into Bellingham and I was forced to come to terms with the fact I'm not okay and there are fucked up sexual things forced upon me at a young age by someone I trusted and once called my best friend. I was forced to realize I've had many abusive relationships that I deny to myself because I believe everyone is good. Changing topic a little, I started to reconnect earlier that year with old friends and friends I'd had for years who had always been there and found comfort in them. I spent little time alone at the beginning of the year and slowly have started to become more independent. All throughout this year I've also been trying to help my dad come to terms with his disability, his hands have become much worse and they swell up almost everyday, he's had surgery that was supposed to fix his pain but he's been left disabled and in pain. It's been very hard on my family and we do all we can to help him but without your hands life can be extremely depressing.. it's hard to watch your dad go through a depression, knowing he's been having suicidal thoughts he doesn't plan to act on but he has them everyday. We fought to keep his job since he was hurt while working but recently they finally let him go with almost no warning. Things haven't been the same between anyone since things happened and I just wish he could understand it's not his fault, we all love him, and we want things to get better. All throughout this year I've been struggling with my eating disorder, my weight fluxates too much for my comfort and my body hasn't been accepting food as well as it used to. I try my hardest to love myself and be confident but it's very difficult when you see yourself in the mirror and anorexia and body dysmorphia won't stop taking over. I've had very depressive episodes on and off which haven't been this bad since I was in treatment, thankfully I have the tools to help myself now, a loving family, and an amazing therapist. My constant nerve pain has gotten worse, I've been going to doctors for a year now and trying different medications and although it has gotten significantly better, I haven't been able to find a single medication to fix it or work. It's so hard to be in so much pain, to be so embarrassed by it, and not be able to explain it to others. I don't like to admit or talk about the fact I have this condition because it truly is embarrassing and I ask for my safety you refrain from asking me questions about it. I've also been dealing with a lot of issues with my extended family, they lost their house and have been struggling with money, they're having very complex problems within the household aside from that - we had to involve police and I've genuinely spent a lot of time and effort worrying about them. With all of this going on school got very difficult.. I tried very hard to keep up but things weren't easy, I dropped a class and barely passed my others. I relapsed quite recently but I won't let any of this stop me from being happy. I've been made fun of for my scars and I will no longer cover them in fear of others judgement. This is a part of me and it shows my healing. I have hope I won't do it again and I will be stronger in the future. After all of this, I'm still alive, I'm breathing. I wake up every morning and even if I struggle to get out of bed, I do it. I continue every day like it's going to be the best day I'll ever have. I think all of these things I've gone through this year are all learning lessons. I don't believe in mistakes. I think life only throws things at you that it knows you can handle and you will benefit and grow from. I've changed, I've grown, and I've learned so much about myself. I wouldn't change a single thing about this year, even if it has been full of pain and heartbreak I still see it as a blessing in disguise. If I hadn't gone through any of this I wouldn't have a deeper understanding on life. I wouldn't be so aware and caring for others who have been through the same situations. I know the universe has great things in store for me and none of this would've happened if something better wasn't just around the corner.

Trump Wants To Roll Back Birth Control Access. Women Aren't Having It.

function onPlayerReadyVidible(e){'undefined'!=typeof HPTrack&&HPTrack.Vid.Vidible_track(e)}!function(e,i){if(e.vdb_Player){if('object'==typeof commercial_video){var a='',o='m.fwsitesection='+commercial_video.site_and_category;if(a+=o,commercial_video['package']){var c='&m.fwkeyvalues=sponsorship%3D'+commercial_video['package'];a+=c}e.setAttribute('vdb_params',a)}i(e.vdb_Player)}else{var t=arguments.callee;setTimeout(function(){t(e,i)},0)}}(document.getElementById('vidible_1'),onPlayerReadyVidible);

The Trump administration is poised to roll back an Obamacare mandate that requires employers to cover birth control for female employees, according to a draft rule released this week.

Democratic leaders have called the move “sickening.” The American Civil Liberties Union said it would fight the rule in court. And women across the country who have come to count on being able to access a broad range of contraceptive options without a copay were outraged, taking to Twitter to share their personal stories.

Used to pay roughly $1200 a year for the pill. Now I pay nothing. Would love for it to remain the case. *smh* https://t.co/hwRWqPd4xH

— Hugh Madson (@sweet_epiphany) May 31, 2017

ACA meant I could afford my long term implanted bc (implanon!) and let my husband and I focus on paying off our debt before having kids. https://t.co/XVWwEXaRfe

— Meagan Lopez (@MeaganMCrowe) May 31, 2017

HuffPost Women spoke to 12 women about how the Affordable Care Act’s birth control mandate has affected their lives, and the many reasons why they rely on birth control. Here are their powerful stories.

  Alexandra, 31, got an IUD after being raped:

“I wasn’t on birth control when I was raped at 19. It was the scariest six weeks of my life as I waited for my next cycle. I have an IUD now, which I got 10 years after my rape when I was a staff member at Planned Parenthood. I’m on medication to treat several autoimmune disorders and cannot get pregnant. 

Birth control is more than a contraceptive to me; it helped me regain control of my body after someone robbed it from me. I was able to get my IUD covered through the mandate. In three years, when I need a new one put in, I know I will not be able to afford to pay out of pocket. It would be a financial burden, but my Mirena is part of my medical treatment—just like the other medications I take.” —Alexandra Dukat, 31, New York

  Anonymous, 23, needs birth control to help manage her PCOS:

“I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is an endocrine disorder that causes a host of problems, like painful cysts, weight gain, insulin resistance and diabetes, acne, exhaustion, brain fog, vitamin deficiencies, depression, anxiety, and trouble getting pregnant, just to name few. My birth control prescription not only helps keep all of those symptoms at bay, it allowed me to finish a bachelor’s degree in three years because I was able to actually function.

The day that the Obamacare birth control mandate went into effect, I cried at the pharmacy counter. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening ― I was in college, still on my mother’s insurance and was accustomed to forking over $20 of my $100 monthly grocery budget for the pill. It was such a huge relief to know I would be covered at no cost. I am worried now, knowing that as I search for jobs in the post-grad world, that I could wind up in a similar situation ― or worse. I hear people say, ‘Well, you shouldn’t go to work for a company that wouldn’t cover your birth control at 100 percent.’ As if every person in the country gets a million options for employment. As if this won’t turn into a slippery slope of non-religious employers opting out of the mandate just to cut costs.” —Anonymous, 23, Texas

  Danielle, 26, needs birth control to get out of bed and function: 

“I have been on birth control since age 16 due to incredibly painful heavy periods and ovarian cysts. The pain was so terrible that a couple days every month I would be bedridden. The paramedics even had to come to my home because I would often hyperventilate from the electrifying pain and pass out. 

With birth control pills, my pain is almost entirely gone, and so are my cysts. I can participate in life. Birth control lets me rock my career, explore and try new activities and travel the world with my love—plus, I don’t want kids. Not now, not ever.”—Danielle Chandler, 26, California

  Anne, 40, needs her birth control to be covered or she’ll have to have a hysterectomy: 

“I was grateful for the coverage mandate when I began taking birth control pills while undergoing infertility treatment. Before two separate egg retrieval operations, I needed to take the pill to prevent natural egg release. Infertility treatment is extremely expensive, and we were desperate just for that little bit of financial relief. We were already extended, and it was just a bit more that we didn’t have to take out in a loan. 

While our attempts to have a baby were ultimately unsuccessful, my doctor is currently considering birth control pills to help manage an issue with recurring uterine fibroids. Without coverage, I will likely have to resort to a hysterectomy as I cannot afford additional monthly medical expenses.” —Anne Hunter, 40, Illinois

  Katrina, 35, takes birth control to lower her cancer risk:

“I’m a BRCA carrier, like Angelina Jolie, who lives in fear of ovarian cancer. If a pill means that I can lower the chances of meeting the fate of my family members, I want that pill. I took it for 10 years and have also used an IUD. I also recently had my tubes removed. All of my birth control choices, from the pill to surgery, were covered by my insurance. 

The idea that my BRCA mutation, which I may have passed on to my three daughters, could already be considered a preexisting condition is stressful enough without knowing that the one thing that is non-invasive and can help reduce their risk can be taken away as well.” —Katrina, 35, New Jersey

  Kelsey, 24, needs birth control to function and she can’t afford $100 a month:

“I’ve been on birth control since I was in 8th grade. When I got my period, I bled for almost two whole weeks every month and remember having constant spotting. Schools only were allowed to administer so much ibuprofen, Tylenol before I was turned away and was eventually sent home because I couldn’t sit upright in my desk chair.

I’m now 24 years old and have never stopped taking birth control. I have an active sex life with my long-term boyfriend. We are both college grads with crippling amounts of student debt and rely on my birth control being free every month. We don’t want to have to decide between $100 for a prescription or $100 for food for the month. I’m scared. I don’t want my coverage of birth control to disappear. Will I be able to continue working if the unbearable cramps return with the two-week periods? I don’t know—and I don’t want to find out.” —Kelsey, 24, Kansas

  Lynnsey, 25, needs the NuvaRing to manage her endometriosis: 

“I rely on contraceptives to manage my endometriosis. After complications and a surgery to remove an ovary, I’ve finally found a doctor who knows how to keep my symptoms at bay, and that includes taking birth control.

Without the coverage mandate, I wouldn’t be able to afford the medication that prevents my endometriosis from getting worse and damaging other organs. I currently use the NuvaRing, which would cost around $130. I would not be able to swing that much each month.” —Lynnsey, 25, Wisconsin

  Devina, 23, uses birth control because she never wants kids:

“I’m 23 years old and have always known I never wanted kids. The free birth control my employer’s health insurance provides makes that happen. My mother, who was not so fortunate to have easily accessible birth control, had me at a young age and raised me on her own and went through struggles I will never know to ensure she could not only provide a promising future for me, but for herself as well (she got a Ph.D. in math).

With the current contraceptive mandate, I know my reproductive future will go exactly the way I want it to, and that I can stay as happy in life as I am right now. Before, I had to pay a $40 co-pay every month. I could afford that, but other women cannot.” —Devina Alvarado-Rodela, 23, Arizona

  Nicole, 28, worries she won’t be able to afford another IUD: 

“I started taking pills I believe when I was 13 to track my periods and make sure they didn’t interfere with swim meets. My periods meant horrible cramps, so knowing what meets had conflicting dates with my cycle was really, really helpful.

Eventually, I switched to an IUD, which was paid for in full by my insurance. I need to replace it next year, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous—I’m not sure how much a replacement will run me. My fiance and I have talked about it and I’ve agreed to go back on the pill if that’s more within our price range. While I’m sure we can afford some form of birth control, I’m sad that price might mean limiting some of our options.” —Nicole, 28, Florida

  Anonymous, 23, got better birth control through the ACA:

“I’m young. I work three jobs and can barely make ends meet. Having a baby now would ruin me financially, probably for the rest of my life—not to mention how it would impact that child. I rely on birth control because I don’t think I should have to take a vow of celibacy just because I’m not financially stable yet.

Before the ACA, I was on the cheapest generic birth control I could get—it cost me about $10 a month out of pocket. After the election, I scheduled an appointment to get an IUD and it’s looking more and more like I made the right decision.”—Anonymous, 27, Missouri

  Mandie, 31, needs birth control to help with PMDD:

“I depend on birth control to help with my acne, to combat PMDD (which is an awful, super-sized version of PMS) and to curb cramps. I already pay about $30 a month out-of-pocket on other prescriptions, so it’s really nice that this has been free and available to me. The kind I take isn’t cheap—well over $50 a month without coverage. Without insurance, I’d never be able to afford it.” —Mandie, 31, Wisconsin

  Sarah, 29, already has three kids and doesn’t want another: 

“I choose to use an oral birth control pill because I currently do not want to have another baby (I recently had my third child) and I do not want to get an abortion, though I am pro-choice. I’m fortunate that the contraceptive coverage mandate doesn’t affect me, because my medications are fully covered under military health care. Unfortunately, that is not an option for everyone.” —Sarah Peachey, 29, currently based in Germany 

  Accounts have been edited and condensed. 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Trump Wants To Roll Back Birth Control Access. Women Aren't Having It. published first on http://ift.tt/2lnpciY

Trump Wants To Roll Back Birth Control Access. Women Aren't Having It.

//<![CDATA[ function onPlayerReadyVidible(e){'undefined'!=typeof HPTrack&&HPTrack.Vid.Vidible_track(e)}!function(e,i){if(e.vdb_Player){if('object'==typeof commercial_video){var a='',o='m.fwsitesection='+commercial_video.site_and_category;if(a+=o,commercial_video['package']){var c='&m.fwkeyvalues=sponsorship%3D'+commercial_video['package'];a+=c}e.setAttribute('vdb_params',a)}i(e.vdb_Player)}else{var t=arguments.callee;setTimeout(function(){t(e,i)},0)}}(document.getElementById('vidible_1'),onPlayerReadyVidible); //]]>

The Trump administration is poised to roll back an Obamacare mandate that requires employers to cover birth control for female employees, according to a draft rule released this week.

Democratic leaders have called the move “sickening.” The American Civil Liberties Union said it would fight the rule in court. And women across the country who have come to count on being able to access a broad range of contraceptive options without a copay were outraged, taking to Twitter to share their personal stories.

Used to pay roughly $1200 a year for the pill. Now I pay nothing. Would love for it to remain the case. *smh* https://t.co/hwRWqPd4xH

— Hugh Madson (@sweet_epiphany) May 31, 2017

ACA meant I could afford my long term implanted bc (implanon!) and let my husband and I focus on paying off our debt before having kids. https://t.co/XVWwEXaRfe

— Meagan Lopez (@MeaganMCrowe) May 31, 2017

HuffPost Women spoke to 12 women about how the Affordable Care Act’s birth control mandate has affected their lives, and the many reasons why they rely on birth control. Here are their powerful stories.

  Alexandra, 31, got an IUD after being raped:

“I wasn’t on birth control when I was raped at 19. It was the scariest six weeks of my life as I waited for my next cycle. I have an IUD now, which I got 10 years after my rape when I was a staff member at Planned Parenthood. I’m on medication to treat several autoimmune disorders and cannot get pregnant. 

Birth control is more than a contraceptive to me; it helped me regain control of my body after someone robbed it from me. I was able to get my IUD covered through the mandate. In three years, when I need a new one put in, I know I will not be able to afford to pay out of pocket. It would be a financial burden, but my Mirena is part of my medical treatment—just like the other medications I take.” —Alexandra Dukat, 31, New York

  Anonymous, 23, needs birth control to help manage her PCOS:

“I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is an endocrine disorder that causes a host of problems, like painful cysts, weight gain, insulin resistance and diabetes, acne, exhaustion, brain fog, vitamin deficiencies, depression, anxiety, and trouble getting pregnant, just to name few. My birth control prescription not only helps keep all of those symptoms at bay, it allowed me to finish a bachelor’s degree in three years because I was able to actually function.

The day that the Obamacare birth control mandate went into effect, I cried at the pharmacy counter. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening ― I was in college, still on my mother’s insurance and was accustomed to forking over $20 of my $100 monthly grocery budget for the pill. It was such a huge relief to know I would be covered at no cost. I am worried now, knowing that as I search for jobs in the post-grad world, that I could wind up in a similar situation ― or worse. I hear people say, ‘Well, you shouldn’t go to work for a company that wouldn’t cover your birth control at 100 percent.’ As if every person in the country gets a million options for employment. As if this won’t turn into a slippery slope of non-religious employers opting out of the mandate just to cut costs.” —Anonymous, 23, Texas

  Danielle, 26, needs birth control to get out of bed and function: 

“I have been on birth control since age 16 due to incredibly painful heavy periods and ovarian cysts. The pain was so terrible that a couple days every month I would be bedridden. The paramedics even had to come to my home because I would often hyperventilate from the electrifying pain and pass out. 

With birth control pills, my pain is almost entirely gone, and so are my cysts. I can participate in life. Birth control lets me rock my career, explore and try new activities and travel the world with my love—plus, I don’t want kids. Not now, not ever.”—Danielle Chandler, 26, California

  Anne, 40, needs her birth control to be covered or she’ll have to have a hysterectomy: 

“I was grateful for the coverage mandate when I began taking birth control pills while undergoing infertility treatment. Before two separate egg retrieval operations, I needed to take the pill to prevent natural egg release. Infertility treatment is extremely expensive, and we were desperate just for that little bit of financial relief. We were already extended, and it was just a bit more that we didn’t have to take out in a loan. 

While our attempts to have a baby were ultimately unsuccessful, my doctor is currently considering birth control pills to help manage an issue with recurring uterine fibroids. Without coverage, I will likely have to resort to a hysterectomy as I cannot afford additional monthly medical expenses.” —Anne Hunter, 40, Illinois

  Katrina, 35, takes birth control to lower her cancer risk:

“I’m a BRCA carrier, like Angelina Jolie, who lives in fear of ovarian cancer. If a pill means that I can lower the chances of meeting the fate of my family members, I want that pill. I took it for 10 years and have also used an IUD. I also recently had my tubes tied. All of my birth control choices, from the pill to surgery, were covered by my insurance. 

The idea that my BRCA mutation, which I may have passed on to my three daughters, could already be considered a preexisting condition is stressful enough without knowing that the one thing that is non-invasive and can help reduce their risk can be taken away as well.” —Katrina, 35, New Jersey

  Kelsey, 24, needs birth control to function and she can’t afford $100 a month:

“I’ve been on birth control since I was in 8th grade. When I got my period, I bled for almost two whole weeks every month and remember having constant spotting. Schools only were allowed to administer so much ibuprofen, Tylenol before I was turned away and was eventually sent home because I couldn’t sit upright in my desk chair.

I’m now 24 years old and have never stopped taking birth control. I have an active sex life with my long-term boyfriend. We are both college grads with crippling amounts of student debt and rely on my birth control being free every month. We don’t want to have to decide between $100 in a prescription or a $100 of food for the month. I’m scared. I don’t want my coverage of birth control to disappear. Will I be able to continue working if the unbearable cramps return with the two-week periods? I don’t know—and I don’t want to find out.” —Kelsey, 24, Kansas

  Lynnsey, 25, needs the NuvaRing to manage her endometriosis: 

“I rely on contraceptives to manage my endometriosis. After complications and a surgery to remove an ovary, I’ve finally found a doctor who knows how to keep my symptoms at bay, and that includes taking birth control.

Without the coverage mandate, I wouldn’t be able to afford the medication that prevents my endometriosis from getting worse and damaging other organs. I currently use the NuvaRing, which would cost around $130. I would not be able to swing that much each month.” —Lynnsey, 25, Wisconsin

  Devina, 23, uses birth control because she never wants kids:

“I’m 23 years old and have always known I never wanted kids. The free birth control my employer’s health insurance provides makes that happen. My mother, who was not so fortunate to have easily accessible birth control, had me at a young age and raised me on her own and went through struggles I will never know to ensure she could not only provide a promising future for me, but for herself as well (she got a Ph.D. in math).

With the current contraceptive mandate, I know my reproductive future will go exactly the way I want it to, and that I can stay as happy in life as I am right now. Before, I had to pay a $40 co-pay every month. I could afford that, but other women cannot.” —Devina Alvarado-Rodela, 23, Arizona

  Nicole, 28, worries she won’t be able to afford another IUD: 

“I started taking pills I believe when I was 13 to track my periods and make sure they didn’t interfere with swim meets. My periods meant horrible cramps, so knowing what meets had conflicting dates with my cycle was really, really helpful.

Eventually, I switched to an IUD, which was paid for in full by my insurance. I need to replace it next year, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous—I’m not sure how much a replacement will run me. My fiance and I have talked about it and I’ve agreed to go back on the pill if that’s more within our price range. While I’m sure we can afford some form of birth control, I’m sad that price might mean limiting some of our options.” —Nicole, 28, Florida

  Anonymous, 23, got better birth control through the ACA:

“I’m young. I work three jobs and can barely make ends meet. Having a baby now would ruin me financially, probably for the rest of my life—not to mention how it would impact that child. I rely on birth control because I don’t think I should have to take a vow of celibacy just because I’m not financially stable yet.

Before the ACA, I was on the cheapest generic birth control I could get—it cost me about $10 a month out of pocket. After the election, I scheduled an appointment to get an IUD and it’s looking more and more like I made the right decision.”—Anonymous, 27, Missouri

  Mandie, 31, needs birth control to help with PMDD:

“I depend on birth control to help with my acne, to combat PMDD (which is an awful, super-sized version of PMS) and to curb cramps. I already pay about $30 a month out-of-pocket on other prescriptions, so it’s really nice that this has been free and available to me. The kind I take isn’t cheap—well over $50 a month without coverage. Without insurance, I’d never be able to afford it.” —Mandie, 31, Wisconsin

  Sarah, 29, already has three kids and doesn’t want another: 

“I choose to use an oral birth control pill because I currently do not want to have another baby (I recently had my third child) and I do not want to get an abortion, though I am pro-choice. I’m fortunate that the contraceptive coverage mandate doesn’t affect me, because my medications are fully covered under military health care. Unfortunately, that is not an option for everyone.” —Sarah Peachey, 29, currently based in Germany 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from http://ift.tt/2rv1szV from Blogger http://ift.tt/2rZ5GAf

Trump Wants To Roll Back Birth Control Access. Women Aren't Having It.

function onPlayerReadyVidible(e){'undefined'!=typeof HPTrack&&HPTrack.Vid.Vidible_track(e)}!function(e,i){if(e.vdb_Player){if('object'==typeof commercial_video){var a='',o='m.fwsitesection='+commercial_video.site_and_category;if(a+=o,commercial_video['package']){var c='&m.fwkeyvalues=sponsorship%3D'+commercial_video['package'];a+=c}e.setAttribute('vdb_params',a)}i(e.vdb_Player)}else{var t=arguments.callee;setTimeout(function(){t(e,i)},0)}}(document.getElementById('vidible_1'),onPlayerReadyVidible);

The Trump administration is poised to roll back an Obamacare mandate that requires employers to cover birth control for female employees, according to a draft rule released this week.

Democratic leaders have called the move “sickening.” The American Civil Liberties Union said it would fight the rule in court. And women across the country who have come to count on being able to access a broad range of contraceptive options without a copay were outraged, taking to Twitter to share their personal stories.

Used to pay roughly $1200 a year for the pill. Now I pay nothing. Would love for it to remain the case. *smh* http://bit.ly/2rJB2v2

— Hugh Madson (@sweet_epiphany) May 31, 2017

ACA meant I could afford my long term implanted bc (implanon!) and let my husband and I focus on paying off our debt before having kids. http://bit.ly/2siX3ht

— Meagan Lopez (@MeaganMCrowe) May 31, 2017

HuffPost Women spoke to 12 women about how the Affordable Care Act’s birth control mandate has affected their lives, and the many reasons why they rely on birth control. Here are their powerful stories.

  Alexandra, 31, got an IUD after being raped:

“I wasn’t on birth control when I was raped at 19. It was the scariest six weeks of my life as I waited for my next cycle. I have an IUD now, which I got 10 years after my rape when I was a staff member at Planned Parenthood. I’m on medication to treat several autoimmune disorders and cannot get pregnant. 

Birth control is more than a contraceptive to me; it helped me regain control of my body after someone robbed it from me. I was able to get my IUD covered through the mandate. In three years, when I need a new one put in, I know I will not be able to afford to pay out of pocket. It would be a financial burden, but my Mirena is part of my medical treatment—just like the other medications I take.” —Alexandra Dukat, 31, New York

  Anonymous, 23, needs birth control to help manage her PCOS:

“I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is an endocrine disorder that causes a host of problems, like painful cysts, weight gain, insulin resistance and diabetes, acne, exhaustion, brain fog, vitamin deficiencies, depression, anxiety, and trouble getting pregnant, just to name few. My birth control prescription not only helps keep all of those symptoms at bay, it allowed me to finish a bachelor’s degree in three years because I was able to actually function.

The day that the Obamacare birth control mandate went into effect, I cried at the pharmacy counter. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening ― I was in college, still on my mother’s insurance and was accustomed to forking over $20 of my $100 monthly grocery budget for the pill. It was such a huge relief to know I would be covered at no cost. I am worried now, knowing that as I search for jobs in the post-grad world, that I could wind up in a similar situation ― or worse. I hear people say, ‘Well, you shouldn’t go to work for a company that wouldn’t cover your birth control at 100 percent.’ As if every person in the country gets a million options for employment. As if this won’t turn into a slippery slope of non-religious employers opting out of the mandate just to cut costs.” —Anonymous, 23, Texas

  Danielle, 26, needs birth control to get out of bed and function: 

“I have been on birth control since age 16 due to incredibly painful heavy periods and ovarian cysts. The pain was so terrible that a couple days every month I would be bedridden. The paramedics even had to come to my home because I would often hyperventilate from the electrifying pain and pass out. 

With birth control pills, my pain is almost entirely gone, and so are my cysts. I can participate in life. Birth control lets me rock my career, explore and try new activities and travel the world with my love—plus, I don’t want kids. Not now, not ever.”—Danielle Chandler, 26, California

  Anne, 40, needs her birth control to be covered or she’ll have to have a hysterectomy: 

“I was grateful for the coverage mandate when I began taking birth control pills while undergoing infertility treatment. Before two separate egg retrieval operations, I needed to take the pill to prevent natural egg release. Infertility treatment is extremely expensive, and we were desperate just for that little bit of financial relief. We were already extended, and it was just a bit more that we didn’t have to take out in a loan. 

While our attempts to have a baby were ultimately unsuccessful, my doctor is currently considering birth control pills to help manage an issue with recurring uterine fibroids. Without coverage, I will likely have to resort to a hysterectomy as I cannot afford additional monthly medical expenses.” —Anne Hunter, 40, Illinois

  Katrina, 35, takes birth control to lower her cancer risk:

“I’m a BRCA carrier, like Angelina Jolie, who lives in fear of ovarian cancer. If a pill means that I can lower the chances of meeting the fate of my family members, I want that pill. I took it for 10 years and have also used an IUD. I also recently had my tubes tied. All of my birth control choices, from the pill to surgery, were covered by my insurance. 

The idea that my BRCA mutation, which I may have passed on to my three daughters, could already be considered a preexisting condition is stressful enough without knowing that the one thing that is non-invasive and can help reduce their risk can be taken away as well.” —Katrina, 35, New Jersey

  Kelsey, 24, needs birth control to function and she can’t afford $100 a month:

“I’ve been on birth control since I was in 8th grade. When I got my period, I bled for almost two whole weeks every month and remember having constant spotting. Schools only were allowed to administer so much ibuprofen, Tylenol before I was turned away and was eventually sent home because I couldn’t sit upright in my desk chair.

I’m now 24 years old and have never stopped taking birth control. I have an active sex life with my long-term boyfriend. We are both college grads with crippling amounts of student debt and rely on my birth control being free every month. We don’t want to have to decide between $100 in a prescription or a $100 of food for the month. I’m scared. I don’t want my coverage of birth control to disappear. Will I be able to continue working if the unbearable cramps return with the two-week periods? I don’t know—and I don’t want to find out.” —Kelsey, 24, Kansas

  Lynnsey, 25, needs the NuvaRing to manage her endometriosis: 

“I rely on contraceptives to manage my endometriosis. After complications and a surgery to remove an ovary, I’ve finally found a doctor who knows how to keep my symptoms at bay, and that includes taking birth control.

Without the coverage mandate, I wouldn’t be able to afford the medication that prevents my endometriosis from getting worse and damaging other organs. I currently use the NuvaRing, which would cost around $130. I would not be able to swing that much each month.” —Lynnsey, 25, Wisconsin

  Devina, 23, uses birth control because she never wants kids:

“I’m 23 years old and have always known I never wanted kids. The free birth control my employer’s health insurance provides makes that happen. My mother, who was not so fortunate to have easily accessible birth control, had me at a young age and raised me on her own and went through struggles I will never know to ensure she could not only provide a promising future for me, but for herself as well (she got a Ph.D. in math).

With the current contraceptive mandate, I know my reproductive future will go exactly the way I want it to, and that I can stay as happy in life as I am right now. Before, I had to pay a $40 co-pay every month. I could afford that, but other women cannot.” —Devina Alvarado-Rodela, 23, Arizona

  Nicole, 28, worries she won’t be able to afford another IUD: 

“I started taking pills I believe when I was 13 to track my periods and make sure they didn’t interfere with swim meets. My periods meant horrible cramps, so knowing what meets had conflicting dates with my cycle was really, really helpful.

Eventually, I switched to an IUD, which was paid for in full by my insurance. I need to replace it next year, and I’ll admit I’m a little nervous—I’m not sure how much a replacement will run me. My fiance and I have talked about it and I’ve agreed to go back on the pill if that’s more within our price range. While I’m sure we can afford some form of birth control, I’m sad that price might mean limiting some of our options.” —Nicole, 28, Florida

  Anonymous, 23, got better birth control through the ACA:

“I’m young. I work three jobs and can barely make ends meet. Having a baby now would ruin me financially, probably for the rest of my life—not to mention how it would impact that child. I rely on birth control because I don’t think I should have to take a vow of celibacy just because I’m not financially stable yet.

Before the ACA, I was on the cheapest generic birth control I could get—it cost me about $10 a month out of pocket. After the election, I scheduled an appointment to get an IUD and it’s looking more and more like I made the right decision.”—Anonymous, 27, Missouri

  Mandie, 31, needs birth control to help with PMDD:

“I depend on birth control to help with my acne, to combat PMDD (which is an awful, super-sized version of PMS) and to curb cramps. I already pay about $30 a month out-of-pocket on other prescriptions, so it’s really nice that this has been free and available to me. The kind I take isn’t cheap—well over $50 a month without coverage. Without insurance, I’d never be able to afford it.” —Mandie, 31, Wisconsin

  Sarah, 29, already has three kids and doesn’t want another: 

“I choose to use an oral birth control pill because I currently do not want to have another baby (I recently had my third child) and I do not want to get an abortion, though I am pro-choice. I’m fortunate that the contraceptive coverage mandate doesn’t affect me, because my medications are fully covered under military health care. Unfortunately, that is not an option for everyone.” —Sarah Peachey, 29, currently based in Germany 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://bit.ly/2rJWZKt