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osachiyo · 2 months

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"i'm so sick and tired of you always downplaying everything!"

"i fucking hate you right now, dazai"

the sentences ran through dazai's mind repeatedly, a painfully numb feeling he hasn't felt in a while blossomed in his chest. he almost didn't notice the deafening sound of glass shattering ringing through his apartment, shards of glass breaking through the bandaged skin of his hand.

he couldn't bring himself to care about the blood dripping on the carpet from between his digits — he felt so empty, so damn guilty ever since you slammed the front door shut without saying a word to him. were you really going to leave him?

the thought alone made dazai clench his hands into fists, nails digging into his palms, resulting in more blood spilling out of the gashes in his right hand, knuckles turning white from the pressure.

a pang of.. something he couldn't distinguish hit his chest once he remembered your tear stricken face — eyes red from frustration and hurt.

you were for sure leaving him.

youwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghimyouwereleavinghim —

his eyes widened when he heard the front door click open — "hey.. i'm ba —!"

you gasped once you saw dazai standing in middle of your living room, blood and broken glass staining the once pristine carpet. "osamu what the fu—" you were enveloped in a warm embrace before you could even finish your sentence — "please, fuck — don't leave."

your boyfriend's voice was uncharacteristically shaky, as he buried his face into the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent as if it was his oxygen.

"babe i.. i just went to get some ice-cream to cool us both off," you lifted the bag of ice-cream in your hands, showing it to dazai. he blinked once, twice, before his shoulders slumped in relief — "oh thank god."

"thought you were leaving for real," he breathed, kissing your cheek gently.

"listen, dazai. i would never leave you like that — i love you, for god's sake!" you reassured him, wrapping your arms around his neck after setting the bag aside. "..even though you were being an ass.."

"i'm so sorry, baby — shit, i promise i'll do better," dazai pleaded, smoothing out the slight furrow between your brows, "say what — i'll take the day off tomorrow so we can go on a date, 'kay? wherever you want."

"hmmm.. i'll think about forgiving you. but first, let's get you patched up. how'd you even get yourself hurt like this?!"

that's how it always was with dazai — one moment he'd have you fuming and crying tears of frustration, but then he'd have you peppering his face in kisses as you two exchanged sweet words. you knew your relationship wasn't the healthiest — but you wouldn't change it for the world.

note. i'm so bad at writing angst, sorry if this sucked 😭

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hopelessdazai · 15 days

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✿ 》 Will you talk to me again?

╰⧼ 🪻 note.. ⧽ ; I don't expect this to do well because its not smut but it'd be nice !! reblogs appreciated, support your creators :)

╰⧼ ☀️ features.. ⧽ ; @saelique angst collab!! dazai x gn!reader, WC ; 784

╰⧼ 🌙 contents.. ⧽ ; angst, reader isn't alive, letter from dazai. he's trying very hard to keep himself stable but it's not working™.

To my dearest ______ .

It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you don't mind me writing to you like this, it's simply been too long. I'm sure you're still angry at me, so seeing you physically isn't my best interest right now! haha, I'm sorry. you know I'm just joking around, don't you? I'd love to see you in person. I'm sure you would've punched my arm if you heard me out loud right now, wouldn't you? I'm glad I'm spared of the bruises.

what does someone put in a letter? that's what I was asking myself before I even began writing. I decided that the best way to do something like this was to just write whatever I feel true as pen touches paper. I hope it makes sense to you, at the least. if I'm pouring my heart out on some paper only for it to be misunderstood, it feels like a waste, no?

though, i'd be lying if i said it wouldn't be rather cute to see you try to fathom what I mean. did you know you scrunch your nose like a bunny sometimes when you're reading? I'm sure you're doing that now too. you'll get wrinkles very at this rate ..

but anyway, I managed to prank kunikida the other day! you remember that hair dye trick I'd told you about? I managed to break into his apartment and swap out his shampoo, at last! he came into work the next day with black hair, it was hilarious, you should've been here! he was so angry with me. beat me black and blue!

oh, _____. I got a new heated blanket for our bed, you know? it took a while to save up for it, and I had to cut out some other necessities, sure. but it makes everything so much better! I hate cold beds, I'm sure you know that better then anyone. haha, back before we moved in together when I'd break into your apartment and crawl into bed with you. I'm sorry for the amount of locks I broke, but your place was so cozy!

... you know, it's been really hard without you here. I miss you so painfully, and I don't mean to call into the void without even an echo, but its killing me to pretend I'm fine about any of this. I'm not fine with this, how am I supposed to be? I wish it was just a bad dream.

I don't want to have to write letters to you anymore, ______. I don't want to have to buy heated blankets to try and stop my arms from aching for your warmth. I don't want you to be angry with me, I'm sorry I didn't apologise to you before you were gone. I shouldn't have been so stupid.

i had so many words on my mind that I was too afraid to say. maybe if I faced myself and told you 'I love you' it would've stopped you leaving.

have you met odasaku yet? has he told you any stories of his time? I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish you could answer my questions. even to hear you scoff at my stupidity again would heal me. I'm sorry I was annoying, I just wanted your attention. it stings knowing I'll never get it again.

I can't keep repeating to myself that you're not gone. I can't keep buying your perfume and pretending that you're in the next room over. your pillow doesn't smell like you anymore.

I wish I could apologise properly. I wish I could've stopped you from leaving the house that night. I wish I could kill myself to join you and yet I know we won't cross paths again in the afterlife. you were always too good for me, ______. i was nothing compared to you.

i picked up a homeless dog yesterday. you'd always wanted a puppy, I'm sorry I never let you bring one home. I named it after you. im trying to get used to them, I promise. if I couldn't save you, I'll save your name.

I'm sorry. if I continue writing, my throat will hurt more. its strange, isn't it? crying makes your throat sore. I forgot what it was like for a while, I remember laying in your arms wondering if I'd ever have a reason to cry again. now I can't seem to help myself.

keep your wings clean for me, white looks good on you. its a shame you couldn't wear the wedding attire i wished to see you in one day. you would've looked amazing.

I'll write again, missing you is the greatest honor.

sincerely, your osamu.

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iovetecchou · 6 months

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That Funny Feeling ⧸ Dazai Osamu

༞ Contains...! !TW! this fic contains heavy topics such as: suicide, depression, anxiety, and self-deprecating thoughts. hurt/comfort type beat, hugging, gentle touches, hand holding, swearing, suggestive implications but NOTHING actually happened! kunikida is just silly, dazai really is a sweetheart in this ):

༞ GN Reader.

༞ 2,494 words.

a/n: if you have struggled with your own mental health past or present, just know that you are not alone. i love you and am so proud of you for still being here and pushing through each day, no matter how difficult that can be. never be afraid to rely on someone close to you when things become too much to bear, you are worthy of living and deserve to be loved.

Some people just aren't cut out for life. We are all dealt a hand, some cards interchangeable. But for the most part, they mold us; and make us who we are. They map out the rest of our lives. So what are you supposed to do when all the cards you've been handed don't play in your favor?

Even the interchangeable cards; you discard them only to pick up more rotten ones. Your judgment is poor, and your decision-making only gets you stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You envy the people who were gifted better cards. People who were not condemned from the start. Those are the people who make something out of their lives, the ones who are deserving of taking up space.

You know this sounds self-deprecating, and yeah, it is. But to you, it's also logic. You think that's why you dislike Dazai Osamu.

When he talks so freely about death, his desire for a perfect suicide. It makes your stomach turn, not for obvious reasons, but for selfish ones. He plays off his pain as a joke so no one thinks twice about it when he asks a pretty stranger to "commit a double suicide" with him.

You try so hard to conceal your suicidal thoughts, hiding your depression behind a pretty mask. Showing up to work each day with a smile on your face and a "can do!" attitude.

You and Dazai really are the same in that aspect, masking your pain so it's less noticeable to others around you.

Your abdomen twists into knots when he talks so freely about suicide because it causes your mind to wander and your mask to slip. Dazai always seems to pick up on that slight change in you when it happens, too. His chestnut eyes bore holes into your profile from where he sits beside you. You can feel his eyes on you as you try to smile brighter, putting on a chipper face as Kenji updates you on how the cows on his farm are doing.

You hate it. It feels like he's reading your mind; retaining all your deepest darkest secrets. Does your face really give you away so easily? No... It can't be that. You've been working at the Detective Agency for a long while now, and since then, no one else has ever assumed something was wrong with you.

If they only knew how pitiful your life really was. As much as you love all your colleagues at the Agency, you hate working. Waking up is exhausting, and you dread the repetitive daily routines you're forced to accomplish. On your off days, you sit at home alone- by choice. Interacting with others is draining, and when you're urged to participate in social activities, the anticipation and anxiety eat away at you until the day finally comes.

Much like today, the day you've been letting eat away at you since the mention of a work party was brought to your attention. You practiced different smiles and laughs in the mirror, shaking your head and trying again when your "act" seemed too unnatural. You probably changed your outfit ten times before ultimately deciding on the same old thing you usually wore.

Your hands were coated in perspiration as you balled your fingers, making a fist. You took in a shaky breath as you brought yourself to finally knock on Chief Fukuzawa's door. He welcomed you with a tight-lipped smile and a nod of his head, stepping aside to let you through. Immediately, you felt his eyes on you. Dazai watched your little performance as you greeted everyone, and when it was finally his turn to watch your act up close and personal- you froze.

His eyes were too intimidating. You felt exposed in front of him. It irked you that he had such an effect on you. Why was it so easy to pretend with everyone else but him?

"Aww, where's my greeting?" Dazai smirked devilishly at you, raising his eyebrows slightly as he leaned in close. All-encompassing, invading your personal space.

You remained quiet. You were on the outside looking in, screaming to yourself to say something- anything. Your gaze shifted to the floor as your hands came up to bunch up the hem of your shirt, rolling it between your fingers; an attempt to self-soothe.

"I..."

"Oi! Stop teasing them, Dazai," Yosano shouted from the kitchen, plum-colored eyes still fixated on the fizzy concoction she began making for herself.

The sound of Yosano's strong voice ripped you from your stupor. Your head shot up, only to notice Dazai was still gazing at you- studying you.

"I would do no such thing! I'm hurt that you think so low of me, Yosano!" Dazai's intense gaze finally eased up on you as he whipped his head around to face Yosano. The tall brunette man clutched a hand over his heart in feigned affliction.

You took that as your opening to slip away, excusing yourself to the restroom. You hardly noticed the way Dazai's attention was drawn back to you at the sound of your hurried footsteps. "Hey- wait up!"

You quickly pulled the bathroom door shut behind you. You could hardly look at yourself in the mirror, too ashamed of yourself for freezing up back there. The cool tile floor welcomed you as you sunk, curling into yourself. You hugged your knees as they drew closely into your chest. You could feel your rapid heartbeat in your throat, anxiety rising by the second.

"You know, I wouldn't be sitting on the floor if I were you. Let's get you up." Nothing registered until you felt firm hands grasp your biceps. A strong force drawing you up to rely upon your shaky legs.

"Why- what are you..?" Your sentence fell off. You weren't entirely sure what you were trying to ask. Your mind was too convoluted with disappointment; shame for yourself.

"The door was unlocked so I figured I'd let myself in! You weren't looking too hot out there, and I wanted to check up on you." Dazai's warm hands still cradled your biceps, untrusting the support your trembling legs half-heartedly gave you in your current state.

"I'm fine," You chuckled out of nervousness before continuing, "I'll be out in a minute, so you can just go." You could tell by how Dazai looked at you that he didn't buy your lie, not even for a second.

He let out a deep sigh, large palms moving up to your shoulders before he blurted out, "Stop, just- just stop. You're not fooling me, so quit it with the peachy-keen act. Why do you insist on hiding behind a facade?"

"Why do you?!" You shouted back. You brought your hands up to swat his hands off your shoulders. The shift between distress and rage made your legs feel more grounded.

Dazai gaped at you for a moment. He genuinely looked taken aback before his face shifted into a tepid expression. He let his arms settle against his sides, his demeanor appearing more taut than usual.

"This isn't about me. Stop deflecting." His voice was eerily calm, making you feel unsettled. Seeing a more serious side to Dazai was far and few between for you.

"But it is! I hate you... I hate you so much. You- you..." Your vision began to blur as tears spilled past your lashline and down your sullen cheeks. How embarrassing, you thought. Crying in front of the man that made your stomach turn.

Dazai brought his hand up to your cheek, brushing away the onslaught of tears with the pad of his thumb. "I believe that hatred is displaced. You just don't want to acknowledge that."

Your eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as you drew your hand to grasp his wrist. You tugged with all your might to pull him from your cheek, but no give. Dazai stubbornly kept his large palm on your face. The warmth from his hand seared your skin. It was neither comforting nor unpleasant. Just... unfamiliar.

"You're wrong, I hate you-"

"No, you hate that you see yourself in me."

Your hand fell from his wrist. He was right, and deep down, you knew that. But you refused to admit it. It was shameful. You liked to hate Dazai because it took attention away from the real problem at hand, yourself.

Dazai let out a sigh as he continued to wipe away your tears. "Tell me to stop if you hate it, but I'm going to hug you now." Before you could process, Dazai embraced you. His hand that was caressing your face only moments ago now cradled your neck. His other arm wrapped around your frame, enveloping you.

"I understand your pain well... I can see myself in you too. But I don't despise you, you know. I actually... worry for you. You try so hard to pretend that everything is fine. It must be exhausting."

It felt like your heart was being squeezed, as if your ribcage was collapsing in on itself. His words shot right through you, as did the guilt. You had been so unfair toward Dazai up until now. Using your displaced disdain for him as a distraction because you were too much of a coward to hold yourself accountable.

It ached so much to come to terms with. Your arms felt heavy as you pulled them up to wrap around Dazai's lanky frame. You quietly sobbed into his chest, grasping your hands into the back of his shirt desperately; as a small child would cling to their mother.

Dazai hummed softly into your hair, welcoming the silence with open arms; as he did you. You were sure all your colleagues were wondering why Dazai and yourself had been in the restroom for so long, but you hardly cared at this very moment.

For the first time, in a long time, you felt seen. Like you didn't need to hide when Dazai was in your presence... because even if you did- he would know. Being vulnerable felt similar to what you imagined walking a tightrope hung across two tall skyscrapers entailed. So, to say you were apprehensive about this was an understatement.

However, in the same breath, it felt freeing. It took a little bit of weight off your shoulders to share your burdens with another person. But never in a million years did you think the person who brought you solace would end up being Dazai Osamu.

"I'm sorry, Dazai- I'm so fucking sorry. I-"

"It's okay. Believe me, I treated people a lot worse than this from my own displaced hatred," Dazai interrupted. Caressing your hair softly, hyperaware of the wet feeling seeping through his shirt and smearing over his skin from your tears before he continued,

"Just... just promise me you'll talk to me if it ever becomes too unbearable to handle on your own. I know how it sounds coming from me, I'm a hypocrite- huh? But trust me when I tell you… you are deserving of this thing we call living. Even if you can't see it yourself, I can... and I will remind you of that fact until I'm blue in the face if I have to."

You pulled back from Dazai's chest as you sniffled, eyes scanning his stoic face. He smiled at you softly, rubbing up and down the sides of your arms in a comforting way. "There you are. I was beginning to think you cried your face off!" You chuckled at his dumb quip, letting your fingers untangle from the cloth adorning Dazai's back.

"Well, this is embarrassing... and I'm sure at this point all the others think were up to no good in here." It was Dazai's turn to laugh as his hands drifted lower, grasping yours softly. Your fingers intertwined as a lopsided grin painted your face.

"So let 'em! Who cares? The only thing that matters is that your heart is beating and you're here. Still standing in front of me." Your smile dropped slightly, the urge to cry bubbling back up, making your throat tighten.

"Dazai," You tightly squeezed his hands within your grasp. Scared that if you loosened your grip for even a second, this moment would be gone before you could say everything you needed to. "I'm really glad you're still here, too."

Dazai closed his eyes for a moment, his smile wavering. "There's so much pain in the world... sometimes it's hard not to notice it. I couldn't shut it out every time I felt your distress. That's why I kept a close eye on you all this time. I'm not just some creep with a staring problem,"

You both laughed at that sentiment before he continued, "I know with each day those painful thoughts are waiting for you. But it's not only that, there's also possibilities. Possibilities you can only discover as long as you're alive."

Your hands still clutched his with great force. His words caused you to cry once more as Dazai's eyes softened. He quietly cooed at you, whispering "don't cry," so gently, it was almost inaudible.

"Dazai... I hope you know the same can be said for you, and your life," You paused, trying to swallow that lump in your throat before you continued. "I... want to help you- help you live. I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but as long as you're still here I will do whatever I can to help you. I swear it."

Your tear-filled eyes bored into his chestnut ones. Desperately hoping your words got through to him. Dazai inhaled a shaky breath, eyebrows raising slightly. His lips curved into a tight-lipped smile before he let out a small chuckle. "You're really something else, you know that? Not even ten minutes ago you were shouting about how much you hate me. Now we're best buds... how cute!"

You knew he was deflecting, you guessed being vulnerable was just as daunting to him as it was for you. Before you could say anything more, the door flung open. Both Dazai and yourself whipped your heads in the direction of Kunikida shouting.

"Dazai! Just what do you think you're doing- wait a damn minute! What did you do to Y/N to make them cry?! Get away from them this instant you damn pervert!"

Kunikida gripped Dazai by the collar, dragging him out of the restroom. When your hands untangled from his, you felt uneasy. There was so much more you wanted to say, but it would just have to wait... for now.

You couldn't help but chuckle to yourself at the sound of Dazai shouting for you to help prove his innocence from presumably the living room. For the first time since you stepped into the bathroom, you looked at yourself. Taking in your disheveled state.

Ah, there it is again. That funny feeling.

don't accuse me of making this a self-insert, i will cry!

#dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu x you #dazai x reader #dazai x you #osamu dazai x reader #osamu dazai x you #dazai angst #dazai osamu angst #dazai osamu bsd #bsd dazai #bsd dazai osamu #bsd x reader #bsd x you #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x you

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chaiifluuf · 2 months

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it was raining.

a rather heavy rain. one that you would immediately want to find shelter from. not for you and dazai though.

dazai takes your hand and spins you around as the two of you dance under the pouring rain. or well try to dance at least. the street ground was fairly slippery and it was hard to focus when your giggles and his teasing words fill the atmosphere.

dazai swears your laugh is one of the most heavenly melodies he has ever had the opportunity to witness. and god your laughter is so infectious that he can’t help but chuckle too.

you yelp as he suddenly dips you, your faces very close now. you both were undeniably soaked at this point and will probably get sick later but he couldn’t care less in this moment.

dazai’s focus shifts to your face. your flushed expression, hair strands sticking to your forehead, your beautiful eyes that were glimmering despite the darkness of the night surrounding the you. and the most important of them all, the radiant smile on your lips.

you were nothing short of stunning in his opinion, even with all the rain affecting your appearance. you stare at him so lovingly that he forgets to breathe for a moment. how was he able to get this lucky again?

you gently bring his face towards yours, a content sigh leaving dazai’s lips before you…

everything stops and dazai’s eyes snap open.

oh.

the first thing he hears is the pitter-patter of the rain outside. it hasn’t rained here in weeks.

he groggily lets out a soft groan and turns to the side, an empty gaze finding the clock next to his bed. 1:24 am. it was usual for him to wake up like this in the middle of the night. he didn’t even expect to fall asleep in the first place. he supposed that the exhaustion has finally caught up to him.

he started feeling something in his chest again and he did not like it. he wants to get rid of it.

dazai reaches his hand out, searching through all the littering alcohol bottles on his floor to find one that still had sake in it. he eventually finds some and wastes no time to chug it all down, knowing full well that his body already has far too much of it. but he doesn’t care. he doesn’t really have a reason to care.

because of course it was a dream.

you were no longer here and he will never have the chance to see you smile like that ever again.

first attempt on writing angst :,) feel like i did okay though ! also wanted to try the drabble kind of format

#𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅ maeve writes . 🖋️#bungo stray dogs #bsd #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #bsd x you #dazai osamu #bsd dazai #dazai x reader #dazai osamu angst #dazai osamu x reader #dazai x you #dazai x y/n

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luneariann · 1 year

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<33

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cloudysleepingzone · 2 months

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"We're starting over, and I love you darling"

Contents : Dazai x reader Angst, one sided love(?), reader is bad at coping, this was rushed. Writing gets crappy near the end but yk

Enjoy :D

"Hurt again..?" Dazai nods lightly while taking a seat on the most of the time uncomfortable hospital style bed. It wasn't that uncommon for Dazai to get hurt, he was always reckless if he ever got to into a mission and would end up getting scratched, cut, stabbed, or even shot. But that was your job. You were supposed to be someone who would generally heal those in the Port Mafia but at this point you were Dazai's personal nurse. He didnt want to be healed by anyone else it seemed. Even as he feels like sting of rubbing alcohol against his forearm, his bandages already moved to the side. "You should be taking better care of yourself..." You mutter barely audible. Dazai liked your attention. The way your finger tips flide across his bandaged skin and you repair his broken body. He loved it. But he would never admit it. He can't admit it to you, not when he will one day leave the Mafia. He would leave you.

He left without a word to anyone. Not Chuuya. Not anyone. Not you. No matter how badly Dazai may have wanted to leave at least a note or something in memory of him. He knew it would be a bad idea. But his sudden disappearence got you thinking. Did he just abandon everything? Everything he's known for so long? There was a stupid painful ache in your chest and you try to silently shush it as if it'll listen. That ache continued. It became the normal thing you would wake up and fall asleep too. The ache was no longer painful. If anything it was more numbing, you could still feel things sure. But something in your mind told you everything would be better if you couldn't feel anything at all than feel this.

Your first time seeing Dazai again...wait no that was a dream. Was this time real...? It's hard to tell anymore, anything even regarding Dazai felt like either a lie or some sort of sickening dream. This time it wasn't. The streets of Yokohama became covered in a heavy rain, luckily a large umbrella sat in your palms. The light taps of your shoes are soon accompanied by a second pair...with the sudden feeling of a hand on your shoulder you turn around. It's him. He doesn't look much different, though he was much taller, the bandage covering his right eye now gone and is covered by a beige coat instead of the rememberable black. Not a single word is spoken, just you, him, and the crashes of rain against concrete.

"Dazai...?" Is the only word that slips from your lips as you look at him. His hair was soaked by the rain, apparently he didn't care enough to have an umbrella. The thought of getting sick probably didn't even cross his mind. "It's been a while hasn't it?" He says it so casually. How the fuck can he ask that so casually. "Where the hell have you been." Your words are like a small blade cutting into his skin. Sharp and painful. "That would take while to explain fully to you-"

"You left without saying anything." You don't let him finish, you just want answers. "You left with saying a word Dazai...you could have at least told me something before you just disappear like that! I thought you could have gotten hurt or-" your lips cut you off, clear drops pooling the bottom of your eyes as you quickly wipe them away, the grip on your umbrella tightening. No way you could let him see you cry, not during the first meet in years.

"Didn't think you'd end up this worried about me, did I really mean that much?" Dazai seems genuinely surprised. True, you two were good friends, you always treated his wounds. But surely you wouldn't miss him that much right? Those were his thoughts before he left, he believed no one would care if he simply disappeared without a trace. No matter how badly he may have wanted to leave a letter in your medical cabinet for closure.

Heavy rain pouring onto the street continues. All you want is to talk to him as if he didn't leave you behind for years. So instead you grab onto the front of his coat and pull him under the umbrella with you. "Your going to get sick if you stay in the rain any longer..."

You two weren't that far apart anymore, not in the way you have been for the past few years. You can feel his arms loosely wrap around your waist, looking into your eyes. Almost lovingly...

"I know we've just seen each other after all this time but...can I try to make it up to you? There's something I wanted to do before I left but I was to much of a coward." You nod your head to the question, you don't know what you agreed to but you want whatever it may be. Dazai's hands move up from your waist, placing them onto the soft flesh of your cheeks. You don't give him time to respond, your lips slamming into his in an almost desperate attempt to make him hurry up. He kisses you back with almost the same eagerness. This is what he wanted to do before he left for good...? He really wanted to kiss you like this?

Such a sweet kiss, a desperate, but sweet kiss. You can only hope for more...

But your vision becomes a blur, everything around you coming to a pause but the sounds of rain and everything goes black. You eyes crack open to a ray of sunlight getting into your eyes, pushing away the soft blankets you shift to the edge of your bed with a yawn. Another night passed, and another dream similar to the last. You can only hope for it to be real at some point. Afterall, you've only seen him at s distance and through windows. Chuuya had seen him again already, but you still hadn't heard his words, or have met his eyes.

Maybe one day. You'll be able to face him again.

#fanfic #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs #fluff #bsd #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #dazai osamu x reader #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai x reader #dazai osamu angst #angst

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tojifile · 4 months

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@masterlist . . . bsd

Dazai Osamu :

- ada!dazai x gn!reader

- pm!dazai x gn!reader

- bodyguard!dazai x f!reader : pt.1 , pt.2 , pt.3

- drunk!dazai x f!reader

- ada!dazai x camgirl!reader : pt.1 , pt.2

- toxic!dazai x f!reader

Fyodor Dostoevsky :

- fyodor x gn!reader

- fyodor x f!reader : pt.1 , pt.2

- fyodor x gn!reader

Back to tojifile’s about me post !

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m9rtality · 4 months

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Always an angel, never a god.

PART TWO

“Always an angel, never a god.”

I sat and watched as my boyfriend Dazai Osamu flirt with my best friend while he sat right next to me. I watched as he complimented her beauty and told her that she looked like a goddess, that her beauty matched a Juliet rose. Juliet roses were his favorite flower, he always said my beauty matched a regular red rose, a flower he claimed was over favored and boring.

“Always the artist, never the muse”

I sat silently as I sketched out a picture of my fiancee Osamu Dazai with my best friend, he had requested I drew my best friend and him as his birthday present, because she had already bought him a present he had wanted dearly, matching rings. But not with me, with her. I watched as he opened her gift and jumped up with excitement and love filling his eyes, I watched as he hugged and spun her around before taking her hand and putting the ring with ‘D.O’ engraved in it on her left ring finger before she put the other ring with ‘R.F’ on his left ring finger as well.

I cleared my throat as I stood up and handed Dazai the present I had made them, it was a painting of the two together. They were smiling as they sat on a bench in the park on a beautiful winter day, all Dazai said was “Thanks.” and kissed my cheek before holding her hand and walking to his room to hang up the art piece of the two.

“Always an option, never the first.”

I felt tears in my eyes as I heard my husband Osamu Dazai telling Riko that she was always his first choice, telling her that he always loved her but settled for me just because he couldn't have her. To which she giggled softly, her angelic voice telling him to quiet down because I’d start crying if I heard his words, and she was right. I cried softly as he laughed as well and told her “They’re such a crybaby, and maybe if I found out I’d be freed from their tight hold on me.” Riko giggled again at his words and through the crack of the door I saw them kiss, passionately.

Osamu never kissed me like that, he never kissed my lips. Instead he kissed my cheek or forehead but never the lips that craved his against them. His arms wrapped around Riko’s waist as he swayed the two slowly as they kissed. He never held me, never wrapped his arms around me as if I was going to disappear, hugged me as if I was the only person he needed, touched me as if my body was made for his and his body was made for me. So why did he act that way with Riko?

“Always a bridesmaid, never a bride”

I stood behind where Riko Fujisaki Dazai was meant to stand as she smiled and walked down the aisle while she looked at my ex husband Dazai Osamu, her soon to be husband. I watched him look at her, the way he should've looked at me. He looked at her with so much love in his eyes that it made me sick to my stomach, I watched as the man I married, the man that I chose, the man that I was there for no matter what love another woman, marry another woman, choose another woman, be there for another woman for the rest of his fucking life.

What was so special about Riko that my Osamu chose her over me? She was a rich spoiled girl that bought her way through life and never had to worry about another person a day in her life. I knew what he went through, I saw and helped him at his worsts, I worked my way through life so what the fuck was so special about Riko Dazai.

After their wedding I found myself in a bar, drinking my heart out as I had to witness the man of my dreams, marry me, divorce me and then marry my best friend.

I will always be an angel, but never a god.

“You alright there doll?”

a voice said.

#dazai osamu #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai x reader #dazai bsd #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs x reader #angst #bsd angst #Bungo stray dogs angst #dazai angst #dazai osamu angst #dazai bsd angst #bsd dazai angst #angwllhrts

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nikxlaii · 10 months

Text

➽ 𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐒𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐄𝐑 (𝐈)

☁ Pairing: Dazai Osamu x gn!reader

☁ Category: Angst

☁ Synopsis: Every time he holds you closer, he can't help but think of his previous love.

☁ Note: I've been thinking about writing something like this for a while now, welp here ya go. I am simply an amateur so don't expect this to be good. Also, Neena is an oc of mine. Grammatical errors are ahead! Enjoy? 07/17/2023

Part 2

"I love you."

Sitting on the couch, Dazai held you in his arms. You peered into his brown eyes, feeling something ache inside you as he embraced you closer to his chest. Never before has he shown such tenderness in his eyes. He never did. Only when he visualizes you as her would he act in that way.

Despite the stinging feeling within you that you wanted to disappear, you smiled dolorously at him as you leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose. However, you failed to notice him tense up at your action.

"I love you more," you said quietly enough for him to hear. You didn't even realize you were holding your breath until you let those words out of your mouth. Although he always tells you how much he loves you, you are unsure if he really means it.

"Is my face too alluring to be observed for that long?" His giggles jolted you out of your thoughts as you quickly turned your gaze away from him in embarrassment. As his laughter subsided, he tilted your head back toward him, removing his hand from your head to caress your cheek.

"Don't look away," he smiled fondly at you, but you knew deep down in his eyes that you weren't the one he was seeing, but instead, a glimpse of her. You tried numerous times not to think about it; however, you are unable to resist letting your thoughts consume you.

Sure, your relationship with him is perfect in every way, but sometimes you don't feel as if he genuinely cares for or loves you the same way he did for her. No matter how many times you try to make him fall for your touch, he'll only see you as her and never the actual you. You felt like a substitute, a placeholder for the person he once loved.

"Is there something bothering you, Belladonna? You've been dazing off a lot. The nickname made you cringe; he never calls you that; he only does at times like these, and knowing the reason makes your heart tighten.

You sprang awake from your thoughts; however, he was no longer looking at you, nor was his hand caressing your cheek. Something inside his head was attempting to persuade him that he cared about you; he always convinced himself of that.

You shake your head no, assuring him that you're alright and have nothing to be concerned about. Of course you weren't, yet despite his knowledge of your deception, you chose to lie. But did he ever care?

Dawn is starting to break, lighting several areas of Yokohama. The both of you stayed at his place and cuddled on his couch till daybreak. Dazai had contacted you previously asking for company since he's feeling suicidal. He always is. It's not something to panic or worry about.

He closed his eyes and lowered his head before returning his hand to yours. He exhaled a sigh.

"You already know how much I love and care about you, (Name), are you really certain?" You despise the way his voice is constantly strained, always seeming more like he's convincing himself than truly saying he does, and it causes him to feel guilty about it.

You made no sound. You weren't certain of your response or what to say. It was the first time he had ever inquired about your well-being, but did he really mean it? Or was it just a ploy to make you feel special to him even though you're obviously not?

Finally, he turned his head to look at you, but there was neither light nor affection in his eyes. That's how it's always been.

"Neena," He said without comprehending what he had just said.

Before he could even utter another word, you shifted your weight, causing Dazai's hand to slip off your head while you both stared at each other. His expression was perplexed, but he soon realized what he had just said. His lips are slightly open, and his eyes widen as he observes your sorrowful look.

"(Name)..."

You walked up to the door, grabbing your jacket from the rack. You stood by the door with your hand trembling on the doorknob as you pondered whether to go or just wait for him to say anything. You resisted letting a tear fall from your eye; of course you already knew about that. What's the point of crying? Why are you crying? Why are you being so dramatic?

He remained motionless and silent. He didn't even move; instead of approaching and saying that it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again, he remained still. Dazai expected this to happen, so he let it be. After ensuring that he wouldn't talk or even offer an apology, you let out a breath and turned the door knob.

"Just find her again,"

And with that, you left without closing the door.

Dazai looked towards the open door where you had departed and sighed. He stood up to close it and leaned against it. He knew he had messed up the moment he realized he couldn't let go of her. But why didn't he tell you from the start that he was still in love with someone who had left? Sure, it would be hurtful if he decided to tell you from the start, but only for a short while. Now that you're completely smitten with the brunette, it's too late to turn back.

But why didn't he tell you from the start?

Because he was afraid.

Afraid of what?

The feeling of being alone again.

Why's that?

His previous relationship is something he cherishes a lot, and letting it go is both devastating and terrifying. He grew attached to someone and fears that he may lose the solace of the former love of his life.

But why did he entertain someone if he's still in love with his previous lover?

Part 2

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #x reader #dazai osamu #dazai x y/n #dazai x reader #dazai angst #dazai osamu x y/n #dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu angst #bungou stray dogs angst #bungou stray dogs x reader #angst #dazai x reader angst #dazai osamu x reader angst #bungou stray dogs x reader angst

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blueclownsworld · 2 months

Note

hello!! I was wondering if I can send in a request of reader (fem or gn up to you <3) who a few years before meeting dazai or ranpo had set out for revenge for someone they had really look up to but they have killed/hurt many people to do so and was left feeling even worse that they did before. (Ellie William kinda)

Sorry for the long request but I hope that you have a good day/night 🩷🩷

"Your saving angel." Dazai Osamu x gender neutral reader

Author's note: hi hi and thankyou for the request !! Hopefully you like it (& i understood it correctly-) <3

warnings: includes violence, the act of killing, death; describes depression, grief and guilt; angst (with hopeful ending)

Content: after the death of your best friend you started killing criminals to get revenge and deliver justice, until one day Dazai came to visit you

For three whole years there was only one word on your mind. Word that decided on every action you took.

Revenge.

Coming back home from a weekend away. Finding your house surrounded by people, everyone gathered around to see what had happened. Rushing through the crowd and polices to get to the ambulance. Heart almost beating out of your chest as the worry filled your body. 'Are they alright?'

But they weren't. Your best friend, the person you looked up to most in the whole world, was laying dead on the ambulance bed.

Eyes peacefully closed, as if simply sleeping. Long hair scattered all around their head, still looking gorgeous. It was all as if nothing had happened, until you looked at the bloody knife on their chest. A beautiful picture ruined by an unnecessary act of violence.

Soon you heard that they were killed by a thief who was breaking into the house, some of the property had been stolen.

The police were looking for the guilty, but it wasn't enough. Even if they caught the criminal and put them in jail, it wouldn't be enough. Nothing would bring your best friend back.

Yet you had to something, or you'd fall apart from the grieving and guilt. You weren't there on their last moments, you didn't know what they would have said to you if they had gotten the chance. You'd never get to see them again, but you promised to get revenge.

For the next three years, everything was grey. No matter the weather, no matter the surroundings, no matter the company. Even the sun looked cold and distant, even the flower fields looked gloomy and dead, even your closest family and friends made you feel lonely.

Days blending together, same things repeating day after day. Find a criminal, track them down, kill and clean up. The act of killing itself had turned meaningless, value of life turning vague in your mind.

You were sure of only one thing; the more bad people were dead, the less innocent people would have to die because of them. That was your justification, something you lived by and didn't question until you met him.

"Do you enjoy the life you're living?" an unfamiliar voice spoke from behind as another criminal was bleeding to death below you. "I doubt you do."

You turned to look at the tall stranger standing behind you, confident smirk on his face that gave you an image of him already knowing how everything would play out.

"Who are you?" you asked with cold and emotionless voice. 'What if he is just another criminal I have to kill?' you thought.

"I am Dazai Osamu", he simply answered and his smirk widened. "I'm someone you'd call a bad person."

'And there it is.. Again. Why is the world full of bad people?' You were truly tired.

"Guess you'll die then", you spoke with annoyed voice and pointed the gun at him.

"Oh?~ Go on, kill me then", the man encouraged and took couple of steps closer to you, as if he didn't care at all wether he lived or died. "Though, I'm sure someone will cry because of my death. Someone innocent."

You froze for a moment, and in that short moment of hesistation he managed to take your gun and point it back at you. He was skilled, you had to admit.

"Have you ever thought about it? How many tears have been shed because of the people you have killed?" Dazai asked, still wearing that same confident smirk. He was trying to get into your head, but his words weren't wrong either.

You had thought of it, of course. And every time it made you feel shitty, making you question your choices.

'Is it really right to kill this many people, even if they are bad?'

'What if there is people crying for the dead?'

And worst..

'What would they think?' Would your best friend really be okay with this amount of killing justified by their death?

"Why are you here?" you asked, ignoring the fact that a gun was pointed at your head. Surely he wouldn't kill you without some sort of talk first?

"I'm here to be your saving angel", Dazai spoke. "Join the Armed Detective Agency, and you get to catch criminals without all of.." his gaze traveled to the dead body of a criminal. "..this. And even if you have to kill someone, it is justified by the law."

'Saving angel..? Who the hell is this man?' you thought to yourself.

"Be my 'saving angel' then", you replied, challenging him. "I doubt you can drag me out of this hell."

"Join the ADA and I'll grant your wish", he said.

And so you did join the Armed Detective Agency, despite the bloody path behind you. Perhaps there was still hope.

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simp-is-here · 1 year

Text

Reaching For Hope: Dazai Osamu x FemReader

Warning: HEAVY ANGST, before story miscarriage, self harm, ptsd, struggling to cope, probably ooc Dazai, hope at the end, if there’s anymore please let me know

Summary: After the two of you go through a devastating loss Dazai tries his hardest to try to bring you back and see you smile again

(A/n: I am terribly sorry for anyone who has ever gone through this, and I’m sorry if I trigger or make anyone upset with my writing. I hope I didn’t inaccurately write this, I’m very sorry if I did and will do better in the future)

No matter how much he reaches out to you, there was always something that pulled you back.

He sat beside your chair, telling you about his day. But just like before you only stared out the window blankly, not even your breaths broke the silence of the room. Your hand was loosely laying in the hold of his grip, not even a twitch of acknowledgment.

“-And then he asked why I wasn’t done my paperwork.” He chuckled glanced back towards you, the slightest bit of hope that you’d laugh at the story like you used too.

The hope was once again crushed by your distanced gaze towards the window. You had been like this since you found out, your words stopped, and even when you did look at someone it was as though you were looking through them.

A soft knock on the door disturbed the silence, a nurse held a clipboard to her chest and walked a couple steps into the doorway.

“Mr. Dazai, I’m very sorry but it’s time for her to sleep.” She told him, putting the clipboard down and making her way over to you

You stood with her help, as though you were a ragdoll. The covers were draped over your body before the nurse made her way back to the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dazai told you, kissing the wedding band on your hand before exiting the room.

After the nurse closed the door he stopped her before she could continue her rounds.

“When can I take her home?” He asked her, he had been asking this question for what felt like months

“Soon, we just need to make sure she’s not a danger to herself.” The nurses calm tone made his frustration build

He tried his best not to squeeze her arm, with a quick recovery he let her go. Waving her goodbye as he goes to leave.

“But…”

He turned at her words, wanting. no. needing some good news.

“If you get permission from the doctor you can take her out for a little bit. Some familiar faces might cause a reaction. Just remember to keep an eye on her, and make sure she has paper or plastic stuff so she doesn’t see herself.” She informed him, patting his shoulder before continuing with her rounds

••••

“Atsushi hasn’t stopped asking about you. Everyday I come into work he asks me how you are before anything else.” Dazai says as he teases the white haired boy in front of him

“Hey! It’s not everyday.” Atsushi replies, his cheeks warming a bit

“It might as well be, it’s like your new routine.” Dazai comments, hoping to get at least a look of amusement from you

“He’s right, you do.” Kyouka said bluntly

“Huh!? Well, maybe I ask a lot.” Atsushi scratches his head with an awkward smile on his face

You haven’t replied to anyone yet, your gaze was fixated on the bun that was on your plate.

“Dazai!” Kunikida’s voice echoed a bit

“Hey Kunikida. Come to join the party?” Dazai asked with a fun wave

He came up to the brunette and started shaking him by his collar, steam practically coming out of his ears.

“Don’t think you can get away with leaving all your work unfinished! I came into the office only to find all of your work on my desk!!”

The violent shaking caused your coffee to fall over, ruining your untouched meal and spilling onto your lap.

“Are you alright!? Here let me clean it up.” Atsushi panicked, wiping the coffee with thin napkins so it doesn’t spill anywhere else

Kyouka took the plate and the coffee cup, and went off to find a place to toss it out.

“Hey, uh. I’m out of napkins. Does anyone know where they have more?” The white haired boy asked holding the soggy paper in his hands

“Well don’t just hold those, throw them out before you make an even bigger mess.” Kunikida told him, letting go of Dazai to find more napkins

“Don’t think you’re getting away with this Dazai.” He quickly scolded once again

Dazai held up his hands plastering a smile onto his face.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

When he turned back to face you, you were gone from your seat. He looked around but couldn’t find you.

“How much coffee was in that-“ the blonde got cut off by the look on Dazai’s face

“What’s-“

A crash alerted everyone’s attention to the bathroom, fear overtook Dazai as the crashes continued.

‘So she doesn’t see herself’

He slammed the door open only to see you repeatedly slamming your arms into the mirror, tears flowing down your blank face.

“Y/N!” He called, going over to you, trying to pry your hands away from the broken mirror

You yanked your hands back and kept slamming them into the shards, blood seeping from your skin and onto the counter.

“Stop!” He managed to turn your body away from the mirror but was greeting by the harsh slap of your hand

He froze in place, the sting still lingering on his cheek. Slowly he turned his head back to you, the blank look in your eyes was replaced with regret and guilt, your mouth opened no words came out.

He guided your head to his shoulder and held you close as your sobs left your gasping into his coat. He followed you to the floor when your knees gave out, he caught sight of the paramedic in the doorway ready to take you back to the hospital. He raised your head from his shoulder and wiped your tears away.

“We’re gonna get up, okay?” He told you, your nod in response would have made him overjoyed if not for the circumstances

He got you up and led you to the ambulance, blocking your view of everyone’s pity filled expressions, it would only send you further down this road of madness.

The pain he felt as he was washing your blood off his hands, your home felt so empty without you there.

He wants so desperately to reach out to you again, but he’s losing hope.

••••

Time after that incident merged together, he had been allowed to see you again 2 weeks ago, the routine of visiting everyday came back.

Everytime he was there you were in your usual spot staring out the window, but now that the blank look was gone he was finally able to recognize the emotions hidden in your eyes.

Longing

When you went to bed he looked out the window from your chair and knew what you were staring at, behind a couple of trees was the park that the two of you met at, back when everything was simple and sweet.

With permission from the doctor he walked you to the park, revealing where you were visiting as though you had been wearing a blindfold. He sat you down at the base of one of the trees, the stars twinkling above you.

“Now, I know I’ve never told you this but, I’d been watching you for a bit before we met.” He admitted, raising his bandage covered arm to point at an area

“You would always be right there, you’d be reading, painting, bird watching, everything you did was always in that spot.” He placed his hand back down beside yours

“Then finally I actually met you, do you remember how clumsy you were? I was reading when I suddenly got run into by this girl in the most wild looking shirt ever she dropped paint all over my shoes. What was it again that I compared your shirt to?” He asked himself, trying to remember

A hand placed itself on his, interlocking the fingers.

“A carpet.” You said

He turned to you in shock, when he looked at you finally you were looking back at him. The corners of your mouth twitching a bit.

“Yeah.” He said breathlessly

He rubbed your hand with his thumb and smiled to himself.

“I liked those shoes too.”

The snort you let out was like music to his ears, he couldn’t stop himself from letting a tear fall at the sight of your smile, no matter how small I was, it was still your smile.

You placed your head on his shoulder, fiddling with his fingers. His soft lips kissed your head, speaking silent words that had finally grown loud enough for you to hear.

Your words spoke back as you kissed the ring on his finger, locking your fingers together again once you set your hands back down.

He didn’t need to reach out to you anymore, you were finally here with him.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

(Please do not post my work anywhere else without mentioning that it’s written by me)

Thank you for reading. If you have any requests just send them to me and I’ll try to write them to the best of my ability

And remember you are a fantabulous human being and that is my opinion to which you can not change my opinion so better just accept that you’re an amazing person who is doing a fantastic job. Keep up the great work. Have a good day or night or whatever you’re reading this at

Request

#dazai x reader #dazai osamu #dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu hurt/comfort #dazai osamu angst #dazai osamu fluff #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #dazai #dazai angst #dazai fluff #dazai fanfic #dazai hurt/comfort #ooc dazai #sad shit #I’m so sorry for the sad shit

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pinkisthenewangst · 1 year

Text

°`🍨: Bungo Stray Dogs x GN! Reader

°`🍨: Soukoku betraying you

You will never forget that one day, the day you were betrayed. You could still clearly remember the feelings that exploded inside you. Grief, anger, hate and your heart broke at this moment in two. Two parts that you still haven't been able to put together. And you never will. Two men had each stolen a part of your heart, carried it in their hands and crushed it with those hands. You trusted them with your life, but you almost perished because of them. Now you sat alone on a sunny summer day in a field full of sunflowers. No one could see you and your tears behind the thick stems of the flowers. You put your chin on your knees, which you had bent to your chest, while hot tears stained your cheeks. It had been 6 years, but no one would understand how much that day tore you apart.

That day, a ginger and brunette accompanied you to an abandoned hall. The mission was clear: you go in and get the stolen goods. Whether there will be any deaths remains to be seen, but as a part of the Port Mafia that shouldn't be a problem. However, everything turned out differently. When you entered the hall, it was pitch dark, and you could hear drops of water hitting the floor. Uncertainly, you looked around, walking behind the two men. You couldn't have guessed what was going to happen to you. After all, you were accompanied by the two young men whom you trusted very much. With them, you could be yourself. Laugh, cry and scream and never be criticised for it. But it was like a punch in the stomach. Dazai grabbed you by the arm. You hissed at his rough handling, but when he pushed you to the ground in front of him, you couldn't make a sound. The shock was deep in your bones when you saw him. After the fall, you looked straight into your father's eyes. He had a dirty grin on his face as he rubbed his hands together. Your father laughed out loud and his whole body shook. Shocked, you shook your head in disbelieve. Panicked, you looked at the two men, crawled in Chuuya's direction and started asking hysterically what it all meant. He just shook his head and pushed you back in your father's direction. Dumbfounded, you looked at both of them. Tears gathered in your eyes. Your whole body was trembling. Both of them took you to the person you hated the most. You fled from him, thinking you had found a family in the Port Mafia after they took you in. But they stabbed you in the back from behind. Desperate, you began to sob as two men who worked for your father grabbed you by the arms and took you away. The last time you looked at them, they had already turned away. They were already ready to leave the hall. With all your might, you screamed at the top of your lungs how much you hated them. That they should die and that they will live to regret it. Of course, they ignored it. Such threats were nothing new to them.

Yet here you sit, wiping away your tears with your sleeve and turning your head to the side. There stood a little boy, excitedly watching a butterfly land on his nose. A smile graced your lips. Maybe he could heal your broken heart

°`🍨: Hi i‘m still alive hehe

°`🍨: REQUESTS ARE OPEN !

#bsd angst #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs angst #bungo stray dogs x reader #dazai osamu angst #dazai osamu x reader #chuuya angst #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader

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tender-rosiey · 2 years

Note

Rose Rose Rose congrats on 3k omg!! Your event is so cute🥰 as always! For the event, can I please get soup with croquet madame and victoria sponge with Dazai? And as always take care <33

🧾 — soup, croquet madame, victoria sponge

— order is served!

dazai can’t seem to ignore the ringing of his phone, even when he knows who is the caller. so he answers, despite knowing he shouldn’t.

but dazai knows, that the heart wants what it wants.

“hello?”

he hears a sob on the other line and his heart already breaks, “…y/n? are you okay?”

you take a deep breath, trying to steady your breathing to no avail. he steps in to help, “y/n, go drink some water then try slowing down your breathing as much as you can.”

you do as you’re told and dazai patiently waits on the other line. you take another deep breath, much calmer now and he speaks up, “can you talk now?”

“yeah,” you say shakily.

he hums, “do you want something?”

he shouldn’t have asked; he already the answer.

“I j-just want to see you,” you whisper and he sighs.

he walks to his window and leans on it, staring into the sky, “belladonna, that can’t happen right now; you know that, don’t you, pretty?”

his voice is soft and gentle, but you start crying again and he releases a pained sigh, “love?”

“I can’t anymore,” you let out but it’s small and weak.

dazai can’t believe that he was not only the cause of your sadness but is also the cause of your weakness. he wants to ask what happened, why are you crying like this, but he knows.

that’s always the problem, he knows.

so why is that he doesn’t know how to make this easier for you? why can’t he say anything? why is the only thing he can do right now is listen to you fall apart?

why can’t he just go to you and hold you in his arms like before?

is his inhumanity finally rearing its head? but why on you? you were the last person that deserved anything like that; hell, you don’t even deserve anything bad happening to you.

he forgot in his thoughts that those with bloodied hands suffer. the world doesn’t mind reminding him when he hears the scream of his only lover through the phone.

his late lover now that is.

taglist: @magenta-cat-drawingss @pompompurin1028 @scul-pted @dazaisdeathwish @requiem626k @nameless-shrimp @shinys-bsd-world-1 @sonder-paradise @ravenina14 @jessbeinme15s-notebook @todorokichills @ginneko @missrown @shrynkk @simplyxsinned @beautiful-is-boring @bakugossanity @izukus-gf @irethepotato @thekaylahub @luciferspen @aeanya @sweetcloudsimp @moon-catto @waosobii

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renniis · 2 years

Text

‧ ｡.*✩彡 high enough - dazai osamu

cw : hurt NO comfort, drug use, addictions, obsession, manipulation - dazai things. wc : 1.7k

━━ 𝐇ow is it that when you try to fight it, it always ends up winning every single time ? - maybe it's just become a part of you , the self destructive habits you can't seem to get rid of because after all you're only human.

The lying to yourself, the cigarettes, the booze, the drugs you share with the one person you found to be worse than any bad habit you've ever had.

It took you a while to realise addiction to substance doesn't compare to being addicted to a person , only realising when your heart would ache being away from him , when the only thing on your mind was him and him only - like you had eyes just for him.

The one that enables you to self destruct , for he is to you like a god is to a religion - well, more similar to how Lucifer was to Eve, how he whispered venomous words of encouragement tempting her into sinning.

You never really believed in those stories or the bible, nor in gods and goddesses but it struck you the first night you've met him that you must of stumbled upon a superior entity, almost like... he wasn't human.

You've never been one to worship, not until him.

The way Dazai carried himself into the meeting, the way his dark brown eyes stared at you with no emotion behind it, or rather, too much emotion that was very well masked by a cold, sadistic demeanour.

Then he spoke the first words to you, not on the first night of course - he didn't even notice you then , but you noticed him . In fact so much so that it felt like a switched was flipped in your brain telling you to chase after him.

You've never been one to chase, not until him.

So you listened to that voice in your head and started wearing less to the meetings, dressing more provocatively and letting your hair down, styling it neatly - altering your appearance in ways many men couldn't just ignore.

He was not " many men ", he merely threw a glance your way and payed no attention but something about that riled you up even more.

It made your desire to have him stronger because us humans are simple, we seek the forbidden - the adrenaline rush, the attention and the validation. Sooner or later, it went past a silly crush and turned into a craving you had to satisfy no matter the cost.

You'd only get to see him once a week, a Thursday night. He was a busy man, you were well aware of it but it felt insulting for him to speak of business with everyone in the meeting room besides you.

Like you weren't even there.

The most he would do is smile at you as you talked to the others, giving you the slightest bit of attention - just enough to keep you running in this never ending cat and mouse game , but never enough to satisfy you.

When the meeting was dismissed that night, you expected nothing more than to go home having made zero progress yet again.

To your surprised he tapped you on your shoulder when you were getting ready to leave and told you to stay behind a little longer, even called you by your name.

You were speechless for once in your life, like the chase had finally come to an end as you took a seat in front of his desk, sitting aross from him in an empty office. His office.

The whole view of the night city could be seen behind him through the large windows, the bright street lights becoming dull and blurry whenever you focused your attention on him. To you, his presence managed to shine brighter than any street light in that moment - or rather, the darkness that engulfed him made it harder for you to notice the light.

" Could you spare a cigarette ? " He asked softly with a hint of warmth in his usual monotone voice, his lips curling into a smile. You told him of course, sitting one leg over the other and reaching into your purse.

When you handed it to him; the sinking feeling in your stomach only grew when his slender fingers lingered on your hands for long before he took the cigarette and placed it down on his desk.

Something felt off, your chest felt tighter with every second his brown eyes stared into yours - your pure and deep infatuation with him made you feel sick, it made you nervous.

People never made you nervous, not until him.

" Do you know why i told you to stay ? " He broke the silence, emptying the tobacco onto the wooden table and mixing it with strands of cannabis.

" No, sir " You gulped, watched him quietly roll it into a perfect cone shape before lick the paper. At that time, you've never tried any sort of drug.

" I can see you're growing quite frustrated and i've never been the one to upset a woman "

Although often being surrounded by all kinds of drugs alot in the mafia, you never once thought about trying any.

It repulsed you, until he asked if you'd like to.

"I'm not upset by any means sir, please don't occupy your mind with such thoughts " You took a drag out of the joint, the smell of the smoke combined with the feeling of it filling your lungs immediately made you choke.

He chuckled and tilted his head, reaching out for the joint and you passed it back but when you went to retract your hand he held it under his on the desk with force.

" Ah, i must be the one that's upset - i mean, it's such a shame seeing a smart woman like yourself being swayed so easily by the likes of me "

" With all due respect sir, you do not sway me " Your legs felt weak at the tension that kept growing and you couldn't help but be envious of the way he looked so calm as he enhaled his smoke and blew it out towards you slowly. You licked your lips admiring the way he quietly analysed you like he was reading you like a book. Every small gesture made your heart flutter, almost like you were... falling in love.

" Is that so ? "

You didn't believe in love, not until he kept you starving for his attention long enough you became obsessed over it.

That night he made love to you for the first time. You were both high and it felt raw, it wasn't romantic like you'd have imagined, no - it was rough and full of emotions.

You felt everything at once, like a rollercoaster that wouldn't stop even when you felt sick and your head was spinning. For him though, it still wasn't enough to make him feel something.

Using that term 'made love ' wouldn't be right - it was more vulgar than gracious, more like he bent you over his desk and fucked you like a whore. There was nothing wrong with that in your eyes, you expected nothing different from a man with his reputation.

You wanted nothing different.

It felt like the first spark of your addiction, the start - the trigger to it all. Normally thats where you would of left it at, you satisfied your craving, you got what you wanted - you won already.

But the beauty of being human is feeling strong emotions such as greed. Always wanting more; even if you knew you should stop yourself, you didn't want to stop - you wanted to see how far he could take you.

He made a deal with you.

Like how you'd make a deal with the devil, the conditions were simple enough for you to understand the extent of what you were getting into.

After every meeting ended you'd stay behind once everyone else left and you'd get to have him again - only if you would be willing to try all the different things he wanted to try - from the drugs to the dark sexual fantasies.

At that point, you fell in the water way too deep to swim back up to the top , in fact - you couldn't even see the surface anymore.

He didn't feel emotions in the way you did, he expected you to agree to sell your body and soul in exchange for him.

And foolishly so, you did - to satisfy your own greed ; to feel his body on top of yours once again, to feel alive, to feel human.

You see, he was searching for someone or something that could change him, that could make him see life as worth living - to make him feel something different.

He noticed you from the very start but had no real intentions of getting to this point, he played you and lead you on for fun - because he too, wanted to feel human.

You played right into his hands just like he wanted you to, like he intentionally made you to.

You would of never agreed to such a deal.

That was until he made you the offer so gracefully, holding you in his arms as you caught your breath and came down from your high - too blinded by his empty beauty and sweet words to be able to ever turn it down.

Thats how the cycle repeated, that's how you ended up in this position. Until one night he decided he wasn't interested anymore - when he realised you wouldn't be able to change the way he perceived life.

He had no real feelings for you, nothing like you did for him - he merely used you for his own twisted desires and left without any warning or explanation.

You were like an experiment that failed to give him the results he wanted - you never truly mattered, it was all just a part of his game.

That was the last night you saw him and maybe it was for the better - but the difference between you and him was that you couldn't simply just stop playing when the words " game over " were displayed on the screen.

You couldn't stop clicking " try again " in an attempt to ease your pain.

You preffered to carry on drowning yourself in all the drugs in the world because it reminded you of the short but intimate time the two of you shared.

Over and over again, whenever you came down from your high alone you became less bothered by your feelings and thoughts. Less attached to them.

You've never been the one to wish for death, but the idea no longer frighened you.

The strong emotions you once felt as a human

- they weren't part of you anymore.

Because you became just like him.

Just like he expected you to, and that's why he left.

You weren't strong enough to change him, he managed to break and change you without even wanting to. You were too weak.

Once he left you finally understood all the words he used to tell you every night.

' Nothing truly ever changes, the void can't be filled until you take your last breath'

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