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jiaraforeverr · 3 years

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Friends to Lovers in Canon Universe

I'll be the light and lead you home (when there's nowhere left to go) by @homebody-nobody and @hmspogue

“Hi, Dad,” he says, his heart pounding, his veins already humming with fight-or-flight adrenaline. He can feel his brain kicking into overdrive as his body is tensing to prepare for whatever comes next. Keep your voice down, his mind reiterates, reciting rules that governed years of his childhood, learned the hard way and necessary for his safety -- for survival. Stay an arms length away, nod and agree, don’t tell him no, respond with “yes sir”, keep your voice down for as long as possible, and get out before the yelling starts at all costs… But, now, in the midst of this frantic inventory, a new rule makes its way into his consciousness. Stay between him and Kiara.

baby, it’s halloween (we can be anything)

JJ tags along with Kie as she goes costume shopping but she leaves the store with much more than she bargained for.

The Haunting of Crowley Manor

After spending the night with JJ, going to Sarah's Halloween party at an abandoned, and allegedly haunted, Kook mansion is not high on Kiara's list of things she wants to be doing. When the Pogues do some exploring, what they find is unsettling at best. Even amidst all the pandemonium, Kiara would really just like to clear the air.

you wanna play with fire (stick and poke tattoo) by @homebody-nobody

'JJ chews on the information she’s given him, tracing his fingers down her arm, over the curve of her elbow and back up to her shoulder. “You’re still gonna go home, right?” He asks, uncertainty and maybe longing in his voice. She realizes, then, that of course she is. Her parents love her, even if they don’t know how to show it, don't understand what the Cut and its inhabitants (and one in particular) mean to her. Of course, she’s going to go home. Because JJ doesn’t get to. Because she still can.

touch me someone by @homebody-nobody

He pulls away from her, and his eyes are wide but dry as his chest heaves. He looks wild, uncaged and raw, the moonlight turning his blond hair white and his blue eyes into pools of silver. Tragedy and shock have destroyed him, the chains he’d wrapped around his brash, heedless, unending want twisted into shards by an explosion of hurt and grief. He has always been the victim, the boy left behind in empty rooms with nothing but loss and bloody fragments, told to piece himself back together. Finally, they’ve taken the last thing. When he told John B they had nothing to lose, they still had each other. And now, he doesn’t even have that. But she’s still here.

A Midsummers Night's Scheme

Kiara really doesn't want to go to Midsummers, and this time it isn't just about the socioeconomics of it all. When she runs into someone she was hoping never to see again, she enlists the help of JJ, who might already be more involved than she would've ever thought.

georgia (georgia, i love your son) by @jiaaras

Two years after Sarah and John B died (or disappeared, if you asked JJ), Kiara and JJ must deal with the return of a familiar face to the Outer Banks.

it was there the whole time

The rest of the pogues notice that JJ and Kiara are hopelessly in love with each other long before they do themselves.

because i'm still in love with you (i wanna see you dance again.)

post season one; John B and Sarah are gone, Pope is M.I.A and Kiara just wants to help JJ stop drinking so much.

lets go surfing by @simpforjiara

everything good happens in the surf

and even when you look away i know you think of me by @hvitstark

The night of graduation Kie worries about the future.

Her Boys *trigger warning character drugged against their will*

Some guy tries to drug Kiara during a kegger at the Boneyard, and her boys ride to the rescue, and then take her home and take beautiful care of her…which leads to a very unique first Jiara kiss.

five times JJ or Kie kissed the other as friends + 1 time they were definitely not friends by @simpforjiara

don't blame me for fallin' (i was just a little boy) by @simpforjiara

JJ Maybank could never just simply care about something, when it came to Kiara it was always too much

Home is Where the Puppy Lives by @tiggerusername

Four months after John B and Sarah disappear, everything in Outer Banks is strange. JJ and Kiara are hardly talking. Pope is hardly around. And storms keep coming. That is until Kiara decides to visit the chateau after work one day and finds a puppy stuck in the destruction of the night outside.

Snapshots Through Time

Just as the title implies, jumps in time depicting moments in JJ and Kiara’s lives. First as friends, then as a couple, and eventually as a family.

Don't overthink it

For the majority of the time she was not even sure she liked JJ as a person.

i don’t wanna be your friend (i wanna kiss your lips)

If she’s being honest, Kiara used to think about kissing JJ all the time. aka the five times kiara thinks about kissing jj, and the one time she finally does it.

I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

JJ and Kiara grow closer in the aftermath of what should have been the best summer of their lives.

One of Us Must Know (Sooner or Later)

After spending a night with Pope, Kie runs to the person she was meant to be with in the first place.

it wasn’t special til i met you by @dayas

kiara never expects teaching jj to braid to matter so much. it does. or, alternatively, the four times kiara lets jj braid her hair and the one time she doesn’t.

every piece of you

Five places that Kie hadn’t expected to be intimate when kissed and one place she does.

if we were meant to be, we would've been by now by @alphinias

five times JJ was jealous, and one time he didn't have to be

and if my wishes came true (it would’ve been you)

the one where jj and kiara go on a road trip together and do a miserable job of pretending they’re not two idiots in love

tell me when you’re falling (can you hear me calling?)

being in love with your best friend makes vacationing pretty inconvenient. luckily for kiara, said best friend will never suspect a thing.

bare necessities by @rae-of-fricking-sunshine

the five times they were unintentionally undressed, and the one time they weren't

better date than never by @alphinias

Kiara is sick of her mom badgering her about the single groomsmen at her cousin's wedding, so obviously, taking JJ as her date is the perfect solution. It won't be complicated. Not at all.

i had a few (got drunk on you)

Kiara is a student at bartender school and JJ is helping her practice (when he isn’t hindering her by drinking all the liquor).

i'll be there 'til the stars don't shine by @maybankiara

in which the pogues throw a kegger, and jj keeps getting distracted by the feelings he might have for one of his closest friends.

What if... (Secrets are dug in the best friends' back yard?) by @tiggerusername

What if JJ and Kiara have been keeping a massive secret from the Pogues? What if JJ and Kiara were a lot closer than anyone had expected during Kiara's Kook year?

Standing On Younger Ground by @usnavisbubbly

If he really thinks about it, he knows it probably just took missing her for an entire year for him to realize that he never wanted to again. Miss her, that is. That shit was brutal. She’s his best friend and he wants her around all the time. It’s just that now, he sometimes wishes it was just them. Like, he’d never want John B and Pope to go away, per se, he just also wants Kie to himself? Or something? It’s confusing.

Bad Timing

the one where the Pogues all had a thing for Kie, all get rejected and JJ eventually finds the right time.

wish you were sober

The Pogues are growing up and following their dreams, which means it's time for JJ and Kiara to sort through some feelings.

around the world

You can take the boy out of the Outer Banks, but you can't take the Outer Banks out of the boy. when it's all calmed down, kiara travels the world. jj's not precisely an unwelcome addition.

drunk off of nothing but of each other until the sunrise (i swear to god it was the best night of my life)

The night before Kie leaves for collage JJ finally makes a move. It's the start and end of something all at once.

friends don’t look at friends that way

anyone observant can see that JJ and Kiara are clearly more than friends.

You Can Get Lost in the Music For Hours, Honey by @anniebibananie

A love story told (predominately) through text messages and a collaborative spotify playlist.

Come Down to the Black Sea Swimming with Me

JJ and Kiara try to deal with the aftermath of John B and Sarah's deaths, and find it easier together.

if this is love, i know it’s true (i won’t forget you)

kiara carrera doesn’t know when she falls in love with jj maybank. she just knows that she does, and there’s nothing she can do about it.

i want to see you stare at ceilings until you fall back asleep

jj and kie have a moment.

(au mid-season before any of that insane police chase stuff went down)

#jiara fanfiction #jiara fanfic #jiara #jiaraendgame #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank #kiara carrera fanfiction #kiara carrera #kie obx #jj x kie #jj x kiara

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gray-is-neutral · 4 years

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Supernatural

a fan fiction pt.4

Cas’ POV

Feelings are odd. It’s funny how a few little chemicals can effect your whole way of thinking. There is still so much I don’t understand about humans, but I’m pretty sure they don’t understand it themselves. Humans can’t choose what they feel, and even though they know this, they get mad at the other fir feeling the way they do? Why can’t these things be rational?

But there is no rationality for how I feel for Dean Winchester. It’s self destructive, addictive, and insane. It caused me so much grief, but I don’t want not to feel this way for him.

We all have our additions. Alcohol, drugs, sex, demon blood, but my poison gives the best high. It’s soul crushing and I love it. Being in love with Dean Winchester is literal hell, but it’s paradise too. How does one explain that? Most days, I would gladly punch him right in the nose, but that thought makes me sad.

Looking at him now, the Empty didn’t matter. It was horrible. I was in pain, and I just wanted to stop existing. He looked at me, and like every time, my heart melted.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked. He wants to talk about the confession. I was so happy I told him, but that was when I was just going to die right after! I didn’t need to deal with the possibility of rejection. Why does this feel so bad? What the...fuck? Yes fuck! What the fuck is this? Why? Why are emotions so hard?

Now I’m worried what Dean feels for me. I mean, he went to the Empty to save me, and then, “Then I’ll stay with you.” Did he mean it? Was he just trying to motivate me? Would he have stayed in the Empty with me? Forever?

He didn’t even tell Sam, however. I was the one to tell him, and I’m regretting that I did.

“You’re in love with Dean?” he asked surprised. “I admitted that I did. I thought he would have told you?” I said. “Dude. It’s Dean. He would rather get on a plane and sky dive into a volcano than talk about feelings. No chic flic moments, remember?” Sam had said and smiled. “Yeah, I remember,” I told him.

“If you ever think about sacrificing your self for me or anyone else, I will drag your ass back from the dead to kill you myself,” Dean said. I looked at him. He looked relatively normal, but his eyes told a whole other story. Deans eyes always have what he calls “Chick flic” moments. He won’t say a word, but his eyes would scream what he’s feeling.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I said, feeling myself relax. Sam was right. “Dean won’t be able to just come out and talk about his feelings. He just...can’t,” he had said. Dean’s experience in love has been Hell. The lack of live from his parents. Loosing Lisa and Ben, and being forced to be responsible for his younger brother like a parent would, Dean’s....love map? Yes, that is what it’s called. His love map isn’t right. He’s still learning, and how can someone love another person, if they don’t love themselves first?

“We’re back with pie!” Jack yelled as they entered the bunker. It was hard to believe that he was God now. I looked at the child I helped raise. Dean regrets everything he’s done and said about him. He loves Jack, and I know he wishes he could take it all back. Maybe we can all start to actually heal now? No more big evils. Just family, and time.

“Hell yeah!” Dean said. “Uno?” Sam said, walking in. “Really?” “Well you two were taking forever,” said Dean. “What were we supposed to do? Braid each other’s hair?” Dean said, digging in the grocery bags for the pie. “I also have liquor!” said Jack, a little too proud of himself. “I can drink even though I’m God, right?” he asked.

“I guess we couldn’t stop you?” Sam said. I smiled despite myself. I missed this most of all. I was never letting this go again. It was too perfect. “We got the movies! They’re scary movies!” Jack anounces as he finds himself a place on the couch. “Hurry or I’ll start it without you guys!” he called. “I’m making popcorn! Wait!” Sam called.

Dean was getting a piece of pie, as I was looking for ice. “Hey I know angels don’t normally eat, he said, taking a huge bite of the piece he cut for himself. “But do you want a piece? It’s pretty good,” he said. “No I’m good,” I said. “Good, I didn’t want to share,” he said. He had pie all over his face. I held a straight face, and then imagined us like a scene in a movie. He would ask if I wanted any and I would kiss him, and say something teasing. Like, “You had enough on your mouth.” But then I thought that would be disgusting.

He walked out of the kitchen to claim his seat of the couch as Jack got up to get something. Probably candy.

“Dude he is definitely in love with you,” said Sam, joking. “He just doesn’t offer pie,” he said. “Your not funny. Leave it alone Sam. “I thought you two were together now?” Jack asked.

I honestly would have rather been with the Empty. No amount of torture could compare to this. I am getting better with expressions, I think.

“Stop that,” I said. “Can’t we just enjoy a movie?” I said, as Sam grabbed a six pack of some kind of beer. “Yeah, sure,” said Sam. “Opposite sides of the couch!” Sam yelled as Jack laughed. He wasn’t sure why he was laughing, just that it was supposed to be funny.

I rolled my eyes and walked into the living room. “What are we watching?” I asked. “Some horror movie,” he said. “Y’know, you aren’t obligated to hang out with us. You did just come from the Empty. If this is too much for you-“ “No,” I said. “I was isolated. I don’t wanna be alone,” I said.

He cleared his throat as his brother sat on the other side of him. “I got this!” Jack said, making the movie play with his mind. The kid is literally God, but he is so amazed that he has powers, isn’t that...sweet? Jack may be God, but he’s still Jack.

The movie played and Jack soon realized he didn’t like horror movies. “It’s a ghost! Salt! Why won’t they get salt?” By the third movie, Sam had fallen asleep and Jack was deep into the movie. I didn’t really care for it, but I was happy just to have this. This is normality. Movies, junk food, our family. It was perfect.

I noticed a sudden solid warmth on my shoulder. Dean had fallen asleep. How many sleepless nights had he gone through? He’s never fallen asleep like this. Not this vulnerable.

I smiled. Never mind, now it is perfect. I relaxed into this normalcy. I don’t sleep, but I closed my eyes to let myself take in the peace.

Suddenly, the Tv went to static. “Is your party super boring?” a commercial voice said over the tv. The people that looked like children look-alikes of us agreed, upset. “No problem! Just invite your good friend! Gabriel!”

“Heya boys, miss me?” Gabriel asked.

...

“How are you-?” Dean started. “Me? I’m good,” he said. “Castiel!” he said. “This is an exciting day for us, isn’t it?” “Gabriel, how did you?” I started. “Get pass the warding? Oh I just hitched a ride on that lil’ CD, now let me help you boys out.”

Suddenly, we were in a club setting. The place was empty. “You guys don’t have many friends, no surprise, but uhh how’s about some entertainment?” he said. Exotic dancers, male and female, appeared. “Gabriel!” Sam yelled, having had enough.

“Oh!” he lightly tapped his head as though he had forgotten something. “Sorry Sammy, is this more your speed?” We heard a confused scream. Eileen appeared from no where. “Sam!” she called upon seeing him. “Oh wait! Sorry you two broke up right? How’s this?”

A woman in a doctor’s uniform appeared. “What the fuck?” she said turning around quickly. “Where the hell am I? What just happened?” she said. “Enough!” Jack said. We were suddenly back in the bunker, but so were Eileen and the woman.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Jack God sir,” Gabriel said, innocently. “I just wanted to express my gratitude,” he said. “For?” Sam asked. “Why? You saved me!” Gabriel said, dramatically draping himself across Sam. “If you hadn’t woken me up, I would have never escaped the Empty!”

“What?” Dean said, shaking the glitter from his hair. “My new bestie, Sammy boy here, threw those fireworks right by my head. I woke up and high tailed it out of there,” he said. “Did anyone else escape?” Jack asked. “A few low-level demons. Some low level angels. Crowley, Michael, Luci-“ he said.

I could have cried. Never, we can’t just have one normal night can we? “Don’t worry,” said Jack, taking Gabriel by the shoulder. “You guys help them, I’ll handle things really quickly,” he said and just like that, he was gone.

“Jordan!” Dean exclaimed, going to her side. So this is Dr. Jordan Blake. “What in bloody Hell is going on around here?” she demanded. I looked at Sam who was trying to talk to Eileen, it was in sign language, so I didn’t understand.

“I was in New York, and I’m where now?” Dr. Blake asked, trying to make sense of it all. “Look,” Dean said, gently embracing her. “If you stay for just a minute, we can talk and I will explain everything,” Dean said. She nodded and he cupped her face.

Eileen just wanted to leave. Sam offered to drive her home, but she said no. It was hard to tell how they felt about the other. Sam seemed to want to be with her, but Eileen seemed to want to forget recent events. I didn’t blame her because I understand wanting to forget. She felt used and forced. Now sh egg doesn’t know how she feels or felt. She doesn’t know if it was real. But did forgetting what happened also mean forgetting Sam?

Jack soon returned and took Eileen home. “Call me?” Sam asked. “Maybe,” she said quitely. Then she was gone.

I looked at the doctor, but soon noticed his young shr was. A little younger than Sam. I felt a pang of jealousy. He was so soft with her, but then I thought about the way he looked. It wasn’t how he looked at Lisa. It was how he looked at Jo or Sam.

He saw her like a sister, and for a second I was jealous of her. This is pathetic.

Dean gave her the her the speech. “Angels?” she huffed. “Of course it’s angels,” she laughed. “If I hear another thing about angels tonight,” she said.

“What do you mean?” Sam asked her. She rose her shirt to show the same tattoo that Sam and Dean had. “You’re a hunter,” said Sam.

This was going to be a long night.

#dean x cas #dean x castiel #gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day #supernatural #fan fiction #jack is god #destiel #dean #castiel #sam is a matchmaker #sam #Jack #sorry I love original characters #Cas is shy #gabriel #please dont come for me #i’m sensitive

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mittensmorgul · 6 years

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Blood Brothers

I’m watching 8.05, and having my typical small crisis over s8 again as per usual. I typed some disjointed thoughts at lizbob, but I wanted them collected here for future reference. Tidied up and made slightly coherent:

Sam hit a dog.

The guy at the motel in 8.05 tells him "I figured you would've moved on by now" and Sam's apparently only staying in town because the dog needed one more surgical follow-up. Sam was just telling him he was "between jobs," and the guy looks down at the dog and says, "You really messed up that dog."

And... Dean is the dog...

(or at the very least, Dean is the character all the dog metaphors and parallels hang on)

And Sam gets this metaphorical Dean Replacement Dog, fixes him up, and then drags him along into this sham of a civilian life with Amelia. He’d only been “between jobs” up to that point, and hadn’t necessarily abandoned hunting entirely yet. He was in a literal liminal space, lampshaded by his whole conversation with Amelia in that episode:

AMELIA: I thought you were leaving town. SAM: I am. I'm just helping out with maintenance at the motel, you know, while Everett's dad is sick. AMELIA: Who's Everett? SAM: How long have you been here? AMELIA: Three months. Why? SAM: Well, you know, usually when someone moves into a town, they – they actually, uh, you know, move into the town. AMELIA: I did. SAM: A motel is not actually part of the town that it's in. It's not part of anywhere. AMELIA: Well, I haven't found a place yet. Why am I explaining myself to you? You're a drifter or a handyman.

Thee two of them bond over “Dog.” I mean, the thing doesn’t even have a proper name yet, and THIS is what connects Sam and Amelia... this vague notion of drifting through life because what had previously tethered each of them had been taken from them (For Sam, it was Dean. For Amelia, it was her husband Don). And the weirdest thing is that for all the weird liminality of their relationship-- which was mostly shown in softly lit and dreamlike soft focus-- Sam was the one who seemed more in touch with that liminal existence than Amelia did.

Like Dean had been an anchor that kept Sam grounded in the hunting life, and Amelia was some sort of helium balloon that let him float along above all the horrors of his regular life for a short time. But one helium balloon was not enough to sustain that dreamlike existence for very long. Riot, aka Dog, was what enabled Sam to “move into the town” in a way that only someone who’d spent most of his life in liminal spaces could exist in that sort of transient state with any kind of mastery of that liminal space.

I hope that makes sense... It makes perfect sense to me.

This isn’t a dig at Sam, but a revelatory moment about how he’s personally adapted to his entire life on the fringes of society, and in some ways he’s as good at that life as Dean is, despite wishing for that sort of stability that “moving into the town” for real could possibly bring. He’s really good at pretending that he’s actually cut out for that “normal” life. But in order to do so, he has to fully immerse himself in the “role” of “normality.”

And without Dean to play the part of the “dog” for him, Riot becomes the domesticated version of the anchor that Dean had always been for him. NOT Amelia, but the dog.

I was thinking about @rosie-berber’s latest meta challenge, having decided I will definitely be writing about 8.04, because 1) it’s an excellent episode that is intensely on point for all the big themes of s8, and 2) how the hell could people rate it lower than 8.15... because ewwwww there is so much disturbingly wrong about s8′s Weird Dog Episode... which brings me to this point.

And yeah I hate 8.15... but Portia tells Dean that she can tell he hates dogs, and yeah, Dean IS the metaphorical dog he hates. He hates that part of himself. The part that even allows people to run him over, the part that remains unflinchingly loyal to the exclusion of his own wants and needs, the part that is willing to sacrifice himself over and over for his “pack” (i.e. Sam) even when the rest of his pack will drive off anyone else Dean shows any sort of loyalty or affection for.

It’s the core of Sam’s instant rejection of Benny as a friend to Dean. And granted the fact that Dean kept Benny a secret from Sam until he discovered the truth under the worst possible circumstances at the end of 8.05, Dean had his reasons. Mostly he just didn’t feel like he could trust this versino of Sam that had been able to walk away from hunting, from their responsibility to Kevin, and just pretend like everything would just be fine.

Remember that Dean was not exactly mourning Cas, but more in a state of abject pining. Cas wasn’t dead, but he had essentially “dumped” Dean at the portal in Purgatory. It was a very different sort of mourning than we had in s7, and again at the beginning of s13. Yes, Cas was still equally out of reach for Dean, but the flavor of his grief was tainted by his perceived sense of rejection from Cas.

Okay, back to Dean As The Dog...

He eventually makes his peace with it when he gets to be a dog (sort of) in 9.05, but that episode even implies some sort of Darker Dean vs Dogs stuff yet to come (with the dog's last line getting cut off when the spell wears off). And then we have Dean become Crowley's personal Hellhound (and then subsequently reject that role for himself as well).

Heck, this is really why I hate all the stupid dog episodes.

But regardless, the big issue for Sam in s8 was what he perceived as his loss of Dean's "loyalty," as a dog-like quality. That theme continues in 8.06 when Dean gets to express some of his feelings about Sam’s abandonment of him (albeit those feelings were turned poisonously bitter because Dean only expressed them at all because he was possessed by a spectre bent on vengeance for perceived wrongs...). And this theme continues right on down the line in s8 for Sam-- his personal perception that he’s somehow failed Dean, that Dean wanting other friends is somehow part of Sam’s personal failure instead of a healthier and more realistically ~normal~ way for brothers to be with one another.

And because the show is still the show, everything has to swing wildly to the opposite end of this by putting Sam into the role of “dog owner” and Dean turning from loyal hound into a more feral hellhound.

There was some more stuff I intended to say about the reasons Sam was so unwilling to accept Dean’s friendship with Benny, and just how much Sam really had no understanding of Dean’s relationship with Cas at all back during s8, but I think there will be other episodes to discuss those things in more detail (including my defense of 8.04 that I’ll be writing up later). I just wanted to mention the fact here in the spirit of full disclosure.

#spn 8.05 #s13 meta rewatch #spn 8.04 #spn 8.06 #spn 8.15 #spn s9 #dean vs dogs #sam fucking winchester #breaking the codependency #or in this case building it up and dressing it in glitter and sequins so there's no way we can possibly miss seeing it for what it is #and i guess i should throw in the tag for #destiel #since that is a part of all of this even if it's not the part in focus in this particular post #but any episode that shows us the flashback to benny saving cas in purgatory #thereby SHOWING US why dean remained willing to defend benny to sam even if dean never told sam WHY #i mean... there's only one explanation that covers all of this and it's destiel folks...#i will never be over that tbh

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diaphanedreams · 5 years

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Wasn't there supposed to be an essay around here?

I decided to throw this up top as I has managed to bury it under an ocean of reblogs. Stop being so talented, people! And funny and poignant and exciting, etc.

Well, yeah. But the threads tangle in the tapestry. Here are some little chunks, at least. Yes, I know it sounds like it's been written by a seventh grader; but take pity. Girl with the head Injury, remember?

(Parenthetically, I call this style a Conversational Essay)

Introduction

So yes, I'm obsessed with Good Omens right now. Remember in Inside Out, how Joy fights to save Riley from depression by using a stack of her imaginary boyfriends to reach the Control Room? Yeah, it's exactly like that.

"So then why, AziraShell", you groan, "are you taking this very silly and delightful comedy and wringing every last emotional and thematic drop from its freshly withered corpse?"

Because, my children, it's what I do. Read on..

So there.

The longer they live around people, their feelings unconsciously take on more and more human dimensions: friendship, tenderness, and something close to (or perhaps more than) romantic love. Definition really ought to feel constricting; but giving shape (if not precisely names) to their feelings actually enhances their ability to express them. In a SOMETHING way they end up as they started: completely enchanted with one other.

Ironically, there does seem to be a human concept that can be named, but not yet fully understood. (Does that make it... ineffable?) Hunger. This evolving idea of hunger is overpowering, surprisingly physical (not necessarily sexual, but we can always hope), intimate. A hunger that seeks to embrace, not ravage or devour. (An appalled Screwtape actually would be sending a strongly worded note.)

It's the Universe Crowley doesn't trust.

Because hunger has introduced another new emotion: Fear. Crowley has known Terror through Divine and Infernal punishments; he is no stranger to Grief or Despair, either. But Terror is a thing for what is happening; Fear is for what might.

*******************

I interpret this moment as a reminder of the intensity of Crowley's feelings, while the more sophisticated essay girl (I have gotten way more mindful about noting sources since this. Please help. I Needs my attribution hit!) sees a reminder of the intensity of his pain. Maybe you could call it a juxtaposition of 'Don't even go there' and 'May I remind you why we don't?'

It's a reminder for us too, that Crowley has, in fact, Fallen. He is not just a snarky, loveable prankster; there is an uncrossable gulf that keeps both his God and his beloved heartbreakingly beyond his reach.

But despite everything, Crowley appears to still retain his faith; in the personal and intimate way he seems to have always done. ("I only ever asked questions!"). Everyone else makes phone calls. Crowley is the only one who prays; for mercy, not on humanity, but for Humans. Like his buddy Shakespeare, he loves them; loves them Because he sees them clearly.

"Don't test them to destruction"

The greatest fucking irony though is that Humans 'pass the test'. They respond to the nuclear crisis with communication, cooperation, and trust. Madame Tracy literally wrestles with an Angel to save the life of a little boy (suck it, Jacob); the Them face both their nightmares and the futures they will create with calm bravery and decisive beliefs.

THIS is the Humanity that Crowley intercedes for: the beings that imagined and built enough weapons of destruction to lay waste to an entire planet; the beings that, through empathy and cooperation, work together to stop the impending cataclysm.

As Crowley cherishes humanity, Aziraphale is in love with the world itself: the pleasures, the beauty, the new magics every day. In love with Crowley. I don't think it's more selfish; it is another one of their beautiful complements: each together encompasses the whole.

They are perfect complements in heaven as on earth. Aziraphale's faith is simple, childlike, and trusting (nothing wrong with that); but as it conflicts more and more with his innate goodness and kindness, it flickers. [Ahem?]

How can Right be wrong?

When Aziraphale says those horrible, ugly things about being holy, it's yet again about reinforcing himself (and the need to be a 'good' kid, not just a kid who does good). Battling his own demons; he completely loses sight of the one in front of him.

This time, Crowley, wholly rejected and actively demeaned, loses his cool. For the first time in their history together, for the first time in history, Crowley's gentle challenging becomes something like an assault; his undulating snake charm is now a cobra ready to strike. Hissing his last words, he storms off: 1862 in a funhouse mirror.

Aziraphale calls him back. In the Last Temptation of Crowley, he seduces, exploits, and challenges in earnest. But Aziraphale suddenly recognizes this Temptation for what it is. And he strikes back hard.

This is the moment where Aziraphale (obliquely) admits that he has lied to and betrayed Crowley. Angel and Snake have swapped places. And so the truth bombs start to fall, with all the precision of...an air strike during the Blitz.

*1862:

Ah, 1862 is coming together a bit for me. Aziraphale not only mischaracterizes their romance, he reframes their relationship for the past 60-67ish years. He is not only undoing Now; he has left Crowley feeling very lost and alone, a beach in a very sudden and very confusing low tide. He gapes silently But we are in love! We were in love! Aren't we still? We were! We...were. (At the heart of it, at least. Up top, he's too busy shooting the angel who out drew him.) The desire to strike back would have been the waves rushing back. Though I'm wondering if even an overt declaration would have even flipped the script after all. Aziraphale looks so pompous and distant. [Well, except Aziraphale rushes to his date in that cut scene. It IS directly on the way to 1862 park] And the riptides drown so mercilessly. Crowley curls up in bed and sleeps for decades.

#ineffable husbands

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awed-frog · 7 years

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The Season Finale/Bye, Boys

I know I'm late - I had to work all day yesterday and today, and when I first got those jobs I’d anticipated I'd be frustrated about missing the finale live, but, well - after last week's episode, I mostly wasn't interested at all. When I sat down tonight to watch it, I almost didn't want to. I was highkey convinced I wouldn't like it, and, yeah, I didn't. Not particularly. I've suspected for a while that Supernatural lost its grandeur and sense of tragedy years ago, and all that's left is a bunch of occasionally magnificent, but mostly unconnected, monster hunts - that they're grasping at straws to avoid going down paths that would actually make sense because they don't want to go there - and this finale confirmed all that with the subtlety of a badly driven tank.

(Really - I was hoping things would be different, but they're not. As much as this show held my hand and made me laugh and cry in difficult moments and distracted me when real life was plain unbearable, the magic is no longer there. I watched the finale with that same awful weight in your stomach you feel when faced with that one person you no longer love - when you look and look and you don't understand how you could ever love them in the first place, and then your eye catches something - they way their mouth curves into a smile, perhaps, or the once beloved lilt in their voice, and you realize that oh, that's how.

But still, it's over.)

So, what happens next?

The honest answer is, I don't know. I've been mostly off tumblr for a week, and while I missed chatting and talking with you guys, this self-imposed break really brought home just how my world has shrunk. I tend to be very intense in what I like, and over the last year, 90% of my free time has been Supernatural. Writing stories, writing metas, creating the odd graphic, reblogging other people's posts and ooohing and aaaawing at their creations and insight - that was great, but it also cut my mental landscape into a tiny little postcard. And this past week - I did things. I discovered new stuff, I read real books, I faffed around weird Wikipedia pages, I lost myself in other series, I planted beans and basil and edible flowers. And I liked it - a lot. So whatever I do next, I'll be on tumblr a lot less, because - I’m sorry - I’ve been fearing for a while that Supernatural simply wasn't worth this level of devotion, and this finale pretty much confirmed that. So - really - I’ll keep reblogging gifs and I’ll probably write the occasional headcanon and feel free to ask me things and come talk to me and everything else, but please know that I'm not that positive about this show anymore, so if you want rainbows and ponies, my blog's probably not the best place to get them. I'll definitely keep writing, and I hope I've got enough love left in me to finish my DCBB, but other than that - I think I'm done. It's likely I'll watch the show next year, but I'll certainly not anticipate new episodes and squeal at the screen and bleed my own blood all over it or anything. And maybe this will hurt at some point - God, I loved this show so goddamn much - but for now I'm just numb.

So, here goes - quite possibly, my last meta.

Cas: Yes, They Went There

This is what we’re all wondering, isn’t it? Is Cas really dead?

No, he isn't. If Misha was leaving the show, we'd know about it. Like, of course they'd keep it under wraps until the last episode, but it'd be out today - no reason it wouldn’t. Plus, from a narrative point of view, Cas' death doesn't make any sense. He just died after fucking up - again - and he never got to make his Big Choice between Heaven and *coughs* humanity, plus they're having so much fun jerking us around with that yeah so maybe he and Dean they're in love thing, why would they stop now? So, honestly, his 'death' was his only good moment during this season finale. Like, he obviously wasn't brainwashed brainwashed, so it didn't make any sense he wouldn't involve Sam and Dean in his overly simplistic scheme, plus he's been acting stupid and out of character the whole time he was on screen - and, I get Cas is hard to write, but come on. Renting a cabin under the name James Novak when he can hypnotize it out of some guy without leaving a paper trace? Reading books and taking online classes about childbirth? This from a guy who's not a guy at all and has instinctive knowledge of physics and whatever and knows perfectly well that thing inside Kelly isn't a human child, anyway, so he might as well take woodworking classes for all the good that would do him? Uh. Not to mention his random snooping into alternate dimensions he knew nothing about when he was supposed to be taking care of Kelly - if AU!Bobby had killed him, or if he'd fallen into a pit or whatever else, Kelly would have remained alone in that cabin basically waiting for Lucifer to find her. Honestly - why do they bother writing Cas at all if they can't get him right?

Destiel: Still Subtext

And more bad news: five seasons of queerbaiting - and counting. This season finale had to be the one with the least amount of UST or pining or any kind of fuckery between them since, I don’t know, ever? Sure, there were moments, and I could list them, but why should I? Look at Cas doing his own thing, and what does it matter if he was staring at the water (possibly thinking about that fish which started everything, and by everything I mean Cas’ love for humanity, and by humanity I mean Dean), and what does it matter if Dean, as usual, is the one fretting about Cas and worrying about Cas and being all undignified and unmanly? It's been years, and Dean was unusually chatty during the whole finale, so I'm sure some of us were like, ALERT ALERT THIS IS WHEN IT HAPPENS (not me, because I'm grumpy and disillusioned), and nope, not the time. Better luck next season, guys.

Honestly, at this point there are no good options.

Like, I’m sure there are already two hundred codas out there about the Nephilim resurrecting Cas and Dean kissing him out of sheer relief, but yeah - that’s not gonna happen. My bet is - if they’re being decent about things, Cas will be saved in some way and the eye fucking will start again, dragging on and on to some series finale which, no doubt about it, will indicate the two of them are actually sleeping together, because look at that painting in the background and the label on that beer - it’s obvious; and if they’re not being decent about things, our Cas is definitely dead and Sam and Dean will meet AU!Cas in their search for Mary and at that point things will get Weird, because Dean will be Grief-stricken and Unhappy, and Cas won’t know or love him at all, and then what? Again, at best the whole thing is definitely gone and buried and Supernatural will remain the main Wikipedia example for queerbaiting (but until that very last moment, we’ll speculate this is really about destiny and falling in love in every universe and whatever), and at worst we’ve got yet another cringeworthy dance between the two of them as Dean gets over AU!Cas just as AU!Cas falls for Dean, cue romance tropes, cue will they/won’t they, cue shoot me now.

Guys - I still believe there was something there. More: I believe it was subtextually indicated, for years, that Dean and Cas were in love, and this season kept giving us confirmation that subtext is a thing and that it matters (the latest hint to date is Dean’s I’m actually Sam’s parent speech), but the fact is, subtext is not enough. There are dozens of ways to bring a romance into text without resolving it so it stays ‘interesting’, and the fact they haven’t done it yet - we should stop excusing their behaviour. If Cas had been a woman, the possibility of a relationship would be confirmed by now. So, whatever.

Gold Star, Sammy!

For someone who's been pretty much a secondary character in his own story for the whole season, or, let's be mean, the whole show after S5, Sam suddenly got some unexpected attention, and was the only person to get a win out of this finale. His character development was mostly subtextual, but it was clearly leading somewhere, and this was exactly it. Sam's naturally ambitious and driven, and he's suppressed this aspect of his personality for years because freak and vessel of Lucifer and whatever else, but now, after years and years of penance and invisibility and praying to a God who didn't give a flying fuck about him, it looks like Sammy's all grown up. Yay. There he is, a leader of man, a consummate warrior, a witch. Not hiding, not underplaying his skills, not feeling guilty at all - and finally. Sam got to hug his mother and defeat all of his archenemies - the BMoL's gone, Toni's gone, Lucifer's gone, and Crowley's gone. And none of them need to weigh on his conscience, because, lookie here, Sam sort of forgave them all (except Lucifer, but, then again, he's not really dead, is he?). No, Sam got to reject the BMoL's pernicious influence on his pure, noble soul, he got to work with Toni, who'd cruelly taunted and tortured him, and he got to be nice to Crowley, which mostly didn't make any sense because Crowley and Sam always hated each other. And even the fact he lost Mary and Cas in the end - that doesn't affect his shiny character arc at all. Sam's been ready to lose Cas several times before now, and he's accepted it in a way Dean never has; and as for Mary - narratively, Sam got what he needed from her: a declaration of love and an admission of guilt - the confirmation that nothing was ever actually his fault. Now he can finally move on.

I have to say - despite the fact it was a fucking long time coming, this sudden bout of character development felt hurried to me. All that talk about leading others - when had Sam ever expressed an open interest in it? Until last season, he seemed warily determined to settle down with ‘someone who understands the life’ and be as normal as he could, and now out of the blue he’s King bloody Arthur? Like Crowley’s sudden meekness and suicidal schemes, Sam becoming the top pilot of the Rebellion was not out of character, exactly, but was rushed and badly written - this whole episode felt like someone had said, Okay, these characters need to get here, and there’s this chapter in the middle which explains how but lolz, who’s got time to write that? Let’s skip to the good parts. Rewrite, try again

Dean “I hate that I love you” Winchester

Dean is Sam’s parent - this has been my Dean tag for a while, and boy, they went to such lengths to finally confirm it textually it was very nearly out of character. Because, I mean, this is Dean, and as much as I appreciated that whole speech, that's so not who he is. I'm going to be generous and say he was under the effects of a lot of drugs, but still - this is the guy who never blurted out more than one tearful line in his entire life when under threat of imminent death, and speaking from the heart with such eloquence is not really his thing. Jensen pulled it off, but only just. But, whatever - nice to see some of the subtext they weave in this show is actually significant - and, full offense, now that it's textually confirmed Dean always felt like a parent to Sam, more than a brother, I hope that those who are convinced he actually wants to bend Sam over a couch and do “bad things” with him will finally take a cold shower (possibly with holy water) and step away from the whole thing.

Other than that moment, though, which, dreamworld or not, Dean really needed, this season was disastrous for him. His arc's been downwards as much as Sam's been upwards, and, as we predicted, Dean ended his year in a very low place. Both his parent figures are gone - Mary swallowed by an alternate dimension, Bobby who flat-out didn't recognize him - Cas spent weeks ignoring him and now he's dead, Crowley's also dead (and however much they tried to downplay their relationship in this finale, we know there was something there), and the world is ending - again - because Dean didn't need to wait for the birth to know in his heart Lucifer's kid's gonna be a threat to, like, everything.

So, uhm, I really don’t know how to feel about things. Dean tried to be more open this season, which mostly went badly for him, but he also fixed things with his family - look at him letting Sam step away into danger (and, I mean, we don’t need any more confirmation because text, but in that moment he was definitely coded as Sam’s parent) and focusing on helping his mom instead (anon - I know I still have to answer your question about why I think Dean’s perfectly happy fixing cars and baking pies for his family while Sam’s off to Congress, and that meta’s mostly written, but here you see it again - Dean, the feminine, blue-collar character, is content with staying at home while his masculine, Ivy League educated brother goes off to war). I guess this means the brodependency is definitely over? Too bad Dean will be too busy mourning Cas and saving the world to actually appreciate it.

(Then again, #NoHomo.)

Crowley: At Last, We Know

Crowley's arc has trasparently clear for a while, and it's mirrored Cas' so precisely the question of his death was becoming a when, and not an if. When we were speculating about his fate, I wrote somewhere that much would depend on the kind of story they were writing - if this is a coming of age thingy, then Crowley wouldn't have needed to die, because he's not a father figure (no matter how many times Dean’s called him Daddy); but if this is a tragedy, then the textbook solution was to have him die for the heroes. It's a The Last of the Mohicans ending: an überdramatic I know you'll never love me but I care so much about you I'll sacrifice myself all the same thing, and, look - what can I even say?

I'm upset because I really liked Crowley and there was so much we didn't know about him and Mark is outstanding and aaaaaargh. On the other hand, at least they did him the courtesy of a noble ending (Rowena, of course, being a silly woman, got a humiliating and prolonged off-screen death, because, yeah, who cares, and the same pattern was applied to Toni and Ketch) and he got to bow out on his own terms: for Dean, and with a self-inflicted wound.

Still, his death, like Eileen's, signals there's no believable happy ending in sight for our forlorn heroes. They'll probably stay alive long enough to kill the Nephilim and fall into the Apocalypse World of Doom™, and then they'll die*.

*Terms and conditions apply, because it would make sense if they died and it would make for a heartbreaking, tragic ending, but hey, the movie deal's still on the table so better leave everything unresolved and have them drive off into the sunset on their own.

Mary: No Means Yes

I know some people like Mary, and I do think she was a good character, but as a person, she was kind of awful. I won't go back to everything she did wrong all season, but I will point out that her only redemptive point is that she sucked as a mom because she was not a Traditional Woman, and that sort of made her interesting and we raved about their courage all season, right? How Mary could have been a 1950s housewife and instead look at her - much BAMF, such wow. And yet we now know that Mad Max woman I do what I want façade was just that - a façade. Because when Mary was brainwashed, where was the real part of herself? Her most cherished piece of soul? The writers left no doubt, no margin for error: back in the kitchen, preparing horribly unhealthy yet terribly American lunches for toddler Dean, cooing at baby Sammy, her flat spotless (where are Dean's toys?), her ironing almost done. This is, apparently, the person she wishes she could be - what every woman should aspire to be: a mom who's 100% dedicated to her kids - someone who hovers around the house in her nightgown, ethereal and effortlessly beautiful and probably shaved bald (legs and armpits and lady bits shaved and trimmed and waxed and moisturised and perfumed and pleasantly soft and babyish), humbly content with this family God has given her. And, by the way, when she gets back to reality, that's who she becomes - she shoots Ketch, who'd dared to sully her marital bed and hurt Dean, she sobs in Sam's shoulder, she anxiously looks after Kelly because women always bond over periods and pregnancy and mascara and stuff, she tearily reassures Kelly that yes, dying for your unborn son, even if that son is a demon and the scourge of the Earth, is the done thing and anyone would do the same; her final act - punching Lucifer in the face - is completely out of character for the smart, ruthless hunter we know she can be. Instead, it speaks of a mother’s love - a kind of adrenalinic - you hurt my baby boy, I’ll make you bleed sort of thing. This, of course, is supposed to speak in her favour, because give me an emotional woman over a rational one any day. Honestly, if I didn't find Mary so annoying I would welcome the moment when she'll meet the other Mary - the woman who let her boyfriend die rather than dooming the world. As it is, I’m finding it hard to be excited about anything S13 has to bring, though.

Kelly: Blessed Are You among Women

I know that Supernatural doesn’t have the best record with women, and this finale, even coming as it did on the legacy of Eileen’s death, did not disappoint: from Toni playing her mother card and then dying off-screen, to Rowena left a burned husk in a non-descript room, to Mrs Hess cowardly attempting to escape as her operatives kept fighting around her, both episodes were a testosterone festival of testicles and bad beer. Still, what they did to Kelly was very nearly unforgivable. To recap: they basically took a smart, modern, career-driven woman, had her raped by her actual lover (marital rape’s still not a crime in 49 countries, by the way, and it was completely legal in many Western countries until the 1990s), got her pregnant, and then turned her into a Stepford mother. Because, of course - what else could she do? Get an abortion? I know we’re all theoretically in favour of that, but who can really go through with it, the heartless monster? And as for killing yourself - it may be your life, your body and your decision, but it's also a sin, and a big no no. Just be grateful your demon baby still needs your internal organs to survive and shut up. So, well - they basically sucked away her every choice Kelly had until she was this bouncing pregnant ball who got no say over her own destiny and on top of that, her last few days were spent building Ikea furniture and painting a nursery for the literal Antichrist who'd claw his way through her stomach to be born. Honestly - I'd say I haven't seen such a demeaning and antifeminist storyline since the last encyclical letter - except I saw the exact same thing on The Magicians only three weeks ago, so apparently misogyny's back in fashion?

Then again, we already knew that. Just look at how people are voting.

(If you're interested, hedge witch Julia, raped by a god, manages to abort after a series of mishaps - like, the Planned Parenthood doctor who tries to help her is brutally murdered by a demon of some kind and Julia has to rob a bank and doom a friend to certain death in order to get another procedure because pregnant women are selfish bitches - only, what do you know, that part of her soul who could feel love and empathy is snipped right up along with her uborn child, so whooopsie. She'll only get her back if she forgives her rapist, and she does, because that's apparently our role as women in 2017 and fifty years of feminism taught us nothing.)

Bite-sized Rants

Toni being a mother - yeah, that didn't have anything to do with anything and that last scene of S11 was just proof of how little they plan ahead. I just read somewhere that this is the problem with modern television - that series will be automatically canceled or renewed no matter the storyline depending on how much money they make, and this means nothing makes sense anymore - stories that were supposed to last one season are artificially stretched to last forever because ratings, while things that were conceived as trilogies - we’ll never know how they end, because not enough people were watching. So, I mean - I am sort of pleased that I got there before they did and wrote a line one year ago about Dean eventually forgiving Toni because ‘a parent’s love - that something he understands’ - because, yeah, that's exactly the ploy Toni used on Dean and it worked, so, points, but at the same time - that whole BMoL thing was so wonky and stereotyped and Nazi-shaped and My God, really? The only character who barely made sense there was Ketch, but, unfortunately, that’s also the easiest character to write and the one who’s most commonly found on our screens: Trigger-happy Psychopath Charms Everyone with His Wit and Good Looks.

(Plus, Ketch was yet another piece of the Dean is Bi mosaic that went nowhere, so I’m not feeling very charitable right now.)

The other hunters - look, it's just not believable anymore. So apparently Sam and Dean know who everyone else is, people are okay following Sam anywhere even if he used to be the actual Antichrist or whatever and there are rumors about how he went to Hell and I don't know what else, and on top of that this Men of Letters thing is just something everybody knows about now? And yet Sam and Dean never contact these people, and more importantly, don't share their super secret Bunker full of weapons and lore with any of them? Not even Jody? Nice, guys. Real grand of you.

(Plus, what is this bullshit - why do Sam and Dean send everyone home after torching the BMoL’s HQ when they know perfectly well Lucifer and/or the Nephilim are about to destroy the actual world? Maybe ask for some back-up there?)

Cosmic consequences, shmosmic consequences. Dean killed Death, and so what? Cas killed Billie, and so what? There is no way to even argue the current mess has to do with the cosmic consequences Billie promised, because all of it is basically of their own doing: Mary walking away when she should have stayed, Sam trusting the BMoL even as they kept kidnapping him and threatening him and killing random people, Cas being his usual self-sacrificing self and Crowley thinking he knows better than anyone else (or, well, as this episode pointed out - they both “needing a win”) - there was no supernatural involved there. So...?

(Plus, this is yet another example of a big narrative thing of the Destiel variety going nowhere. Cas killing Billie for Dean, Cas nearly dying while confessing his love right, left and centre and then - out of nothing, here is the ‘divorced parents’ routine - Cas is decorating a nursery with a brainwashed Stockholm victim and Dean’s priority is to - who even knows?)

That reference to Romani people was almost worse than that bit about the Arab Spring. Please, for the love of God - your show is watched abroad. If you do use history or politics, maybe Google it first?

The BMoL have te power to create ‘mystical dampeners against magic’ and yet they absolutely needed to kidnap Mary to ensure the continuation of their evil schemes?

Sam and Dean can become virgins again but can’t mix themselves some old-fashioned explosive?

Mrs Hess had people studying the Winchesters for years and yet she doesn’t know which is which?

Dean finally got to fire his grenade launcher and we didn’t even see it clearly?

Handful of Disorganized but Well-meaning and Kind-Hearted American Mavericks Defeat Superpowerful European Organization Complete with Private Army Without Breaking a Sweat - Jesus, enough.

Claire was too busy to save the world? Where was she? Coachella?

Crowley looking at Dean when he called them beautiful, that fight between Ketch and Dean being heavily paralleled with Dean beating up Cas...when are they going to bring that stuff out of the subtext?

Cas being so easily seduced by Paradise - didn’t Dean reject those exact concepts back in S4, and didn’t Cas switch sides because of it? But I suppose he’s just, forgotten, because that’s what happens when you take online lamaze classes or something?

Honestly - I apologize for being so negative. There were some brilliant bits here and there, but as I said - on the whole, I’m just tired. Supernatural seems determined to tell a story by not actually telling it, and at this point I’m really tired of doing the job it for them. I’m fed up by how little Dean cared about Crowley (because, if nothing else, that was one complex and interesting relationship and a narrative dream they threw away out of fear it would awake old ‘Dean is Bi’ ghosts) and I’m fed up by how anticlimatic Dean’s reaction to Cas’ death was (we’ve seen more dramatic scenes over a nose bleed, but I guess these two episodes were so action packed they had no time to insert a random #NoHomo lady, so even a Merthur hug would have been way too much) and I’m fed up by the fact that Jesus Christ, they have such talented people working for them and why won’t they just let them?

Guys, I don’t even - I’m going to bed.

#spn meta #spn 12x22 #spn 12x23 #destiel #sam and dean #kelly kline #spn ending #i didn't like it #so read at your peril

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