I legit cared about him deeply. I worked on myself so much to be a better partner to him and for him. He did not put in the same work to be better to me and for me. I fixed my fuckups in our relationship, he “forgot” about his in short order and guilt tripped me whenever I made him take accountability. He broke my $600 antique lamp. He broke my dryer. He broke six different bongs. He broke the washer too. He let his cat piss on everything and let the laundry mold in the basement. He let my $110 body pillow to keep my bones from hurting go moldy and put me on a guilt trip for the expense to replace it (the one singular thing of mine he destroyed I made him replace). He broke nice antique dishes he knew were important to me. He put a hole in a painting my friend did for me. He ran my car into the neighbor’s truck. He piled up months of old litter multiple times even after I told him to cut that shit out. He broke so many of my dishes fuck. He would not do chores on his own nor would he do them when told and the rare instances I could get him to actually do chores he would fuck them up and destroy my things in the act. We lived in absolute filth because he and his pets created so much mess it was too much for me to keep up with and he did not contribute to the cleaning literally at all.

My fuckups were getting his car stuck in the mud at the bottom of a shitty country road (which I was able to get back out after a couple hours when the mud solidified), not locking his bike to the fence and it got stolen (I gave him a new bike which he “forgot” about and continued to guilt me over for months and ultimately left in my basement (I ain’t giving it to him now lmfao)), I broke his dab rig (and bought him a new bong after), told him I hate his pets and they make my life worse (not a fuckup honestly, I was actively bleeding out of my literal eyeball from his out of control cat’s bullshit while we sat in the ER waiting room when I said this. His dog’s constant barking has given me seizures on multiple occasions. I’m justified in that one his pets are awful) and I complained about him here on Tumblr (my diary, which I’ve told him not to read if he can’t handle my unfiltered thoughts). I really put effort into fixing what I did wrong and making it right. I owned up to my mistakes. My ADHD certainly influenced these mistakes but it did not stop me from acknowledging my wrong doing, correcting them, and not doing them again.

He destroyed thousands of dollars worth of my things and guilted me over the expense of replacing exactly one of the things he ruined. Blamed his poor money management on dyscalculia. Blamed his absence of coordination on being partially deaf in one ear. Blamed his inability to remember to do anything on ADHD. Blamed his manipulative meltdowns over my hurt on BPD. Like dude…. They’re are all certainly things that influence your behavior, yes, but that does not mean that they get you off the hook for the consequences of your actions. They do not mean that you don’t have to take accountability and try to fix these mistakes, learn from them, and avoid them in the future.

What broke our relationship wasn’t even all these mistakes it was him telling me that he is incapable of doing better.

Well, I rewatched Two for the Road...

I found it interesting what changed during this rewatch-- certain things I found strengths the first time around, I disliked, and other elements I appreciated more. I doubt I’ll rewatch it for a long time yet, but I get its appeal a little more.

Anyway, have some scattered thoughts. I tried to be as spoiler-free as possible.

Positives:

Audrey’s performance is amazing. This is one of her more subtle, layered performances, and one I would suggest to those who believe she could not act or had no range. Joanna is largely a likeable character: charming, considerate, affectionate, and playful. However, years of a strained marriage to a selfish boor erodes her romanticism and her vindicative edge, slightly hinted at in the earlier scenes, blossoms into something ugly. I think Audrey juggles the dark side of her character with her endearing charms in a natural, non-exaggerated fashion, making this character feel very human.

The direction is playful in a 60s way. Now, this will be a strength or a weakness depending on your tolerance for 1960s cinematic hipness. Donen plays around with fast-motion, freeze frame, music, and composition in very self-conscious ways. The movie feels a little New Hollywood in that sense (though I would not count it as a bonafide entry in the New Hollywood movement-- it’s very traditional in other ways).

The physical comedy is good. Pretty much any scene with a malfunctioning car (and there are many) is handled in a deadpan manner that is almost Keatonesque. And I’m a sucker for anything that evokes Buster Keaton.

Negatives:

The “witty” dialogue feels very forced. I know a lot of people like the script for this, but I didn’t care for the dialogue at all. It felt like it was trying too hard to be hip and clever. I normally don’t cite Dennis Schwartz’s reviews, but I pretty much agree with his thoughts on the dialogue:

The supposedly clever adult banter between the always bickering couple seems less comical than just being sour grapes...

Pretty much, especially since so much of the dialogue just follows the same pattern:

Mark: You hated [thing]. Joanna: (tearfully) I loved [thing]! Mark: NO YA DIDNT. Ya hated [thing.] Joanna: I hated [thing]....

Oh, or this one:

Joanna: Marriage is good. Mark: Marriage SUCKS. Look at those miserable people! Joanna: That’s just them. Mark: NAH MARRIAGE BLOWS.

I cannot stand Albert Finney’s character. Out of all the love interests in Hepburn’s canon, I dislike Mark Wallace the most. He’s loudmouthed, selfish, and controlling, not to mention hypocritical (okay with his own infidelities, but losing his mind when Joanna has an affair of her own). He barely acknowledges the existence of his own child. He’s arrogant and annoying even when he and Joanna first meet-- I had no idea why she ever took a shine to him beyond his looks. As a result, I was rooting against the relationship at every turn, which leads me to my next point.....

Because Mark is so unlikable, I do not get why Joanna stays with him.  About all he’s got going are looks, moments of good humor, and an animal sexual magnetism. Otherwise, he’s a boorish jerk who badmouths marriage constantly and takes Joanna for granted once they do marry. He does eventually have a turning moment, but it comes so late in the movie and is so quickly done, that I found myself utterly unmoved by it. In fact, the whole ending just felt like a cop-out to me-- had this movie come out even five years later, I think the ending would have been quite darker. As it was, it felt too cute and neat. I just didn’t buy the resolution.

The nonlinear structure makes the plot not only confusing, but repetitive. The first time I saw this movie, the nonlinear structure was about the only element of the production that I consistently praised. Now, I found it was one of my least favorite things about it!

At first, the cuts between the happier moments of the past and the more bitter scenes in the present are ironic and clever (we cut from the young lovers basking in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter to them in a later period, married and just complaining about how badly they slept the night before). By the hour point, I felt the cutting between the four time periods killed the flow of the story and often felt clever for the sake of being clever-- I think seeing the relationship slowly go bad would have worked better than constantly cutting the way they did.

And then, the bickering just becomes tiresome as hell-- I ceased to be upset for Joanna or annoyed at Mark during the final half of the movie. I was just exhausted and indifferent by the sour grape parade... and judging from the emotional Mancini music and the acting, I do not think Donen intended for me to be apathetic by the end. Enervated maybe, but not apathetic.

Final thoughts:

I’m glad I rewatched Two for the Road. I feel like I get why people like it a little bit more, but I confess that by the end, I was just left cold by the whole affair. It really isn’t my thing, I guess, but not everything can be. And if you haven’t seen it, then don’t let me put you off. A lot of people treasure this movie and more power to them.

Dawn in Your Eyes Part 22

Summary: Alfie has little to no idea why Caroline ever gave him the time of day. The blind woman seemed far too sensible to even speak to him. But soon he finds himself falling helplessly in love.

Part 22: Alfie finds fatherhood fulfilling but a disagreement arises between him and Caroline. 

         “Carrie, Tommy’s here!” Alfie called. He let the curtain fall back in place and went to the front door.

           Tommy stepped out of his luxury car and nodded. “Alfie.” He greeted in his usual, curt fashion.

           “Tommy, mate, you find it alright?” Alfie asked, grabbing Apollo’s collar as he attempted to dash by. Still young, but practically the size of a miniature pony, the mastiff could come off aggressive to strangers, but he really was just trying to greet them affectionately. He just didn’t understand how big he was sometimes.

           Cyril plodded over and lowered his head for Tommy to pat, knowing how to correctly get attention from a visitor.  

           “I’ve learned to navigate these country roads a bit better.” Tommy nodded and gave Cyril a scratch behind the ears.

           “They all look the fucking same, mate. Not like the city, nah.” Alfie reined Apollo back into the house. “C’mere, you big oaf.”

           Caroline greeted them in the foyer with Chava in her arms. “Tommy, I hope you’re well.”

           “Mrs. Solomons.” He shrugged off his coat and cap and let one of the maids take them. “I’ve been alright, can’t complain.”

           Tommy’s visit was initially meant to be purely based on business, just a quick meeting and that was that. But when Caroline heard he was dropping in; she urged her husband to invite the Brummie to dinner. Alfie said unequivocally, no. Caroline argued that she never had the opportunity to thank Tommy for saving their lives. Alfie said he’d thanked him plenty of times. More than once, and that was rare for him. But she herself hadn’t thanked him and that simply would not do.

           So, Alfie begrudgingly invited Tommy to dinner, and to his surprise, the Blinder accepted.

           “This is the little one then, aye?” Tommy smiled at the toddler.

           “This is Chava.” Caroline beamed with pride.

           “Hello, Chava. What is she, six months now?”

           “No mate, it’s Chava.” Alfie corrected.

           Tommy frowned. “That’s what I said, Alfie.”

           “S’a different sound. Ch. Comes from the back of your throat. It’s Yiddish.”

           “Alfie, it’s alright.” Caroline cut in before they had to really introduce Tommy to a different pronunciation. “She’ll be eight months next week.” She changed the conversation for the benefit of everyone.

           “Time passes quickly with them doesn’t it? Charlie outgrows everything in just a couple of days it seems.”

           Caroline sighed and set Chava down. “She has taken on quite the personality. I blame her father for that.”

           Alfie chuckled and shrugged. “Eh, you married me.”

           His wife couldn’t help but smile.

           One of the maids, Laura came into the foyer. “Dinner will be ready soon. Would you like a drink, Mr. Shelby?”

           “Tommy, mate, we’ve got whiskey if you’re interested. Think it’s Irish. Got gin too.” Alfie offered.

           “Whiskey’s fine.” He nodded.

           “Laura, will you grab the bottle to make sure it’s Irish. And take Chava to Candace.”

           “Of course, Mr. Solomons.” Laura picked up Chava and brought her upstairs.

           “We can go to the dining room.” Alfie offered linked arms with Caroline to bring her to the dining room. “I tell ya, Tommy, s’not fucking easy to get used to this place. Figure you’d get it, growing up dirt poor then moving into a fucking castle. Get lost sometimes, Carrie’s even better at finding her way ‘round.”

           Caroline smiled and squeezed her husband’s arm almost as a thanks for being so hospitable toward Tommy.

~~~~~~~~~~

           Toward the end of the night, Caroline excused herself to nurse Chava while Alfie showed Tommy out.

           The Blinder struck up a cigarette as he walked out to his car. He hadn’t smoke in the house as he’d gotten a dirty look from Alfie when he pulled out his cigarette tin.

           The two stopped on the steps for a moment. The sun had set and crickets had started to chirp in the bushes and grass.

           “You have a lovely wife, Alfie,” Tommy remarked.

           “You say that like it’s a fucking surprise.”

           He snorted and shook his head. “Not at all.”

           Alfie crossed his arms over his chest and kicked a bit of gravel off the steps. “You wouldn’t be wrong in thinking that. I mean you can see, she’s a gift from God, ain’t she? Not really a match made in heaven though, with someone like me.”

           Tommy exhaled a breath of smoke and shrugged. “I try not to question how things happen. She came into your life, you got married, you had a child, if that wasn’t meant to happen then it wouldn’t happen, aye? He tapped a bit of ash off the end of his cigarette. “You two make a good pair in my opinion.”

           It was strange, to say the least. The two hadn’t really talked as friends before. But there had been a significant change in their dynamic after Tommy had stepped in to help find Caroline. And now that they were both fathers there was somewhat of an understanding between the two. Maybe the fact that neither of them was heartless. They had enough love in their life to care for a child. They both could understand the struggles of their occupation and being a father while in that position.

           Alfie felt he could never fully trust the man, but that was usually the case for a lot of people.

           “Well, I appreciate it,” Alfie said, feeling like he was wading through very strange territory. Being polite and cordial with Tommy was very new to him.

           “Thank you for having me over for dinner.” He replied. “See you soon, Alfie.”

           “Yeah, mate, see you soon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

           When Caroline became sick, Alfie had to stay home from work to take care of her and Chava. Well, technically he didn’t have to. They had more than enough help at Letwin, he just felt the need to be home.

           Of course, he called in a doctor to make sure Caroline would be alright. But the doctor assured him that she didn’t have a fever and it was nothing more than a common cold. So, while Caroline rested in bed, Alfie watched after their daughter.

           Chava was nearly two-years-old and it was nearly impossible to understand how fast she’d grown in seemingly no time at all. She was walking and running like a tiny little adult. And she’d begun to talk as well.

           Alfie had been hoping that maybe she would say ‘dada’ first. But Caroline took home the prize when Chava said ‘mama’. He couldn’t blame her, his wife was amazing. And the look on Caroline’s face when she heard her daughter speak for the first time was priceless.

           So maybe he’d be the runner up. Dada seemed like a natural succession to mama. But instead, Chava began addressing Cyril as ‘Cee’. Alfie swore the bullmastiff looked smug about it too.

           Caroline wouldn’t tell him, but she had heard her husband trying desperately to get his daughter to say his name.

           “Dada, Chava. Can you say that, aye?”

           “Mama.”

           “Yes, yes, mum’s great ain’t she? I bet she’d love if you could say dada.”

           “Mmmm.”

           “Daaaadaaa.”

           Caroline held a hand over her mouth to stifle her giggle at hearing him babble like a child.

           “Mama.”

           “See that’s half right, innit? Very smart, you are. But you’ve gotta replace the m. Dada, yeah?”

           Chava giggled. “Mama!” She said even louder.

           Alfie chuckled. “Well, see now you’re just tryna pull me leg, ain’t ya? Cheeky girl.”

           Eventually, she learned the word, and Alfie was overjoyed. He told everyone in Camden Town. His daughter was smart as could be, much smarter than most fifteen-month-olds.

           Still, there was nothing better than spending quality time with her. Much better than bragging about her.

~~~~~~~~~

           While Caroline was recovering, Alfie took Chava out in the garden. His wife usually did every day so he wanted to keep up the routine. And it was nothing more than a delight to watch her toddle about.

           “Dada.” She pointed to the flowers, tugging on his hand.

           “Yeah, love, I see ‘em. Pretty huh?” He had to stoop down a bit so she could hold his hand as they walked. “See those huh, lavender?” He knelt down to show her. “Those are your mother’s favorite flower. Loves the smell of them.”

           Chava reached out to tug one of the purple flowers off the stem and examine it.

           “Smell good?”

           She just giggled and held it out to Alfie.

           “Well, that’s kind of you.” He smiled and took it, tucking it in one of his buttonholes.

           Chava let go of his hand and wandered a couple of yards away. He stood and followed after her, watching her curiously explore. She reached back into the garden and grabbed at a rose bush.

           Alfie couldn’t react fast enough. She began to cry when a thorn stuck the palm of her hand.

           “Oh, oh, love, c’mere.” He knelt down and took her hand in his. The thorn hadn’t stayed in her skin, staying on the stem instead. But there was a small prick of blood forming and Chava was devastated.

           Sobbing, she stomped her feet and waved her hand. “Ow!”

           “I know, it’s bugger, innit?” Alfie tried to calm her down. It was never easy seeing his daughter in pain. Even though she had never been seriously injured. Nothing more than a few small bruises from learning to walk. But it was still heartbreaking to hear her cry. “You’re alright though.”  

           “Owwww!” She wailed even louder.

           “S’alright.” Alfie swiped the little dot of blood away and kissed her hand. “There, all better. Dad’s kissed it so you’re all healed.”

           Chava sniffled and looked at the nearly invisible mark. Her lower lip stuck out and she shoved her hand back toward Alfie.

           “Still hurting? Why don’t we go inside and get a plaster on it then, aye?” He scooped her up to bring her inside. “Candace?” He called.

           “Yes, Mr. Solomons?” She popped out of the parlor.

           “Will you go get a plaster for Chava? She pricked herself on the rosebush.” He explained.

           “Oh, dear. Here, I can take her. Mrs. Solomons just woke up and she was asking for you.”

           Alfie nodded and gave Chava to her. “Alright, thank you.” He touched Chava’s cheek. “I’ll be back, love.” He promised before heading upstairs to the master bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           Caroline was still in bed but was awake as Candace had said. She still looked pale and miserable from the illness. “Alfie?”

           “Yeah, love, it’s me.” He walked over to the bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

           But she stopped him once she felt the tickle of his beard on her skin. “I don’t need you getting sick too.” She reminded him.

           “Right, sorry.” Instead, he checked her forehead with the back of his hand. “Feeling a bit better?” He asked.

           “A little. I’m still so tired though.” Her voice was hoarse from the sore throat she was suffering.

           “Hm.” He pulled up a chair to sit beside the bed. “I could ring the doctor again.”

           “No, no. I’ll be alright.” She stifled a yawn. “Were you out with Chava? I thought I heard you two on the lawn.”

           “Yeah, she tried to grab the roses though and got stuck by a thorn.”

           Caroline wasn’t too worried. She was confident in Alfie’s ability to look after their daughter. “Well, maybe she’ll learn not to grab things so quickly. She’s got too much of her father in her.”

           “Doesn’t wait to think ‘bout the consequences?” Alfie chuckled.

           She smiled. “I didn’t say it, you did.” She sighed and turned onto her back. “But she’ll be brave like you are. And strong. That, I’m thankful for.”

           Alfie leaned forward to take her hand in his. He wasn’t afraid to get a little cold.

           “You know, when I first started to feel under the weather, I thought I was pregnant again.” Caroline mused out of the blue. “Remember how strange I was feeling around the time I learned I was pregnant with Chava?”

           “Yeah, I remember.” He nodded.

           “Well, I suppose it’s something to think about.” Her thumb smoothed over the top of his hand, grazing his wedding band.

           “Think about what?”

           “Having more children.” She turned her head back to him, resting her cheek on the pillow.

           At first, Alfie wasn’t sure why every muscle in his body locked up. “Well-s’a bit soon, innit? We just had Chava, she’s only just turning two.”

           “That’s common though, having children two years apart. Most of Ollie’s children have that age difference.” She pointed out calmly.

           But inside, her husband was panicking. Of course, he thought about having more children. It was inherently Jewish to think about having a large family. And, in Alfie’s opinion, it would be something positive. He adored being a father to Chava. But he couldn’t shake the memory of her birth. The blood on the sheets and the way Caroline looked like she was drained of life. That day he thought he was going to lose his wife. It was something he wasn’t keen on risking again.

           “It’s just…the way Chava’s birth went…”

           “I know it was scary but sometimes those things happen. It’s okay…”

           “Caroline, it ain’t ‘okay’.” He was a bit shocked by her blasé attitude. If anything, he thought she of all people would be the most hesitant. “You nearly bled to death.”

           “But I didn’t, I was okay, and I’m still okay. The doctor said I could have more children.” She insisted. “He wasn’t worried about that and neither was Hanna.”

           “How the fuck would they know, aye?” Alfie’s hand slipped from hers so he could get up to pace.

           “Because they’re trained in childbirth, Alfie!”

           “If they’d been trained well enough it wouldn’t’ve fucking happened the way it did!” He retorted.

           “I think you’re getting worked up over nothing.”

           “Nothing?” He threw his hands up. “Caroline, I nearly lost you! I thought I were gonna have to raise Chava all on me own. I thought I was going to have to tell her one day what happened to you.”

           “But you didn’t lose me!” Her voice cracked from the sore throat, unable to raise her voice to meet his.

           Alfie realized it wasn’t fair to argue with his sick wife. “I ain’t talking about this. Get some more rest.”

           “Alfie, Alfie!” She called after him but he left, shutting the door behind him.

Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​ @giftofdreams​ @biba3434​ @kimmietea​ @karmezii​ @enrapturedbythemoon​ @vampgirl1997​

Tag list: @zazasblogxx​ @thinkingsofamadwoman​ @deaflikehawkeye​ @evelynshelby​ 

Masterlist

Death of a Bachelor - Part 15

A/N: hi guess what I have a new chapter for you!!!!!! did a little mapping today and it looks like there will likely be 2-3 more parts and an epilogue, subject to change. tags at the end, lemme know if you’d like to be added c:

The last of your things were boxed up and waiting for the moving truck to come any moment. It took you the better part of a month to sort through all the shit you’d accumulated over the years, pack up everything you planned on taking to Logan’s, and list your condo for sale. Logan had been there every step of the way to make sure you never had to lift a finger if you didn’t want to. Which, you were extremely grateful for all the help. You still had an office to attend to; business didn’t stop just because you were moving into a house with more space than you knew what to do with.

On the final Sunday afternoon, Logan had roped John Collins into helping with the final load of your things. True to his promise some month or so before, John had been around more and more frequently now that you were fully in the loop. He was a good man and so similar to Logan and completely the opposite in just as many ways. Where Logan was impulsive, John was calculated. Logan spoke with passion and conviction, whereas John was the silent enforcer. But both men were equally as excited to finally own Delos, perhaps for different reasons, but anxious to get their hands on it all the same. John was picking up the last box when he turned around to look at you and Logan.

“Think that’s it! Unless you’re hiding something else around here,” John grinned.

“Nah, that’s the last of it,” you sighed with a small smile. You were so happy to be living with Logan properly, of course you were. But there was that small corner of your heart that broke every time you remembered you were giving up this condo you loved so much. John had stepped out and you distantly heard his footsteps descend the stairs just outside your door. You wrapped your arms loosely around your middle and slowly paced around the now empty living room. The same room you’d given birth to your company, where you cried countless times to Emily about how you were ready to give up, where you and Charles got drunk after successfully landing clients, where Logan brought you sushi from your favorite restaurant to apologize for being a complete dickhead. The memory made you let out a small, sad chuckle.

“What’s the matter, princess?” Logan was reaching out and gently thumbing away a tear you didn’t realize had spilled from your eyes. You’d been so lost in your reverie that you failed to notice both Logan holding you cautiously and that you were crying. You shook your head a bit and forced a tight-lipped smile before looking up and meeting Logan’s soft and dark gaze.

“I guess,” you started, allowing yourself a deep breath and quickly wiped the remaining moisture from your cheeks. “This is one of only two places I’ve lived while I’ve been in LA. When I first came out here, I was in some shitty little studio like every other idiot who comes out here with enough arrogance to think they’re going to make it. But once I had real business and clients and money, I wanted to get the fuck out of that apartment.” You paused again and rubbed under your eyes once more. “This was the first place I looked at and I signed for it that same day. It was like it was here just waiting for me, you know? That probably sounds stupid. It’s just a condo. But this was the first thing I really bought for myself after I got my feet under me.”

“That’s not stupid at all,” Logan said sincerely, smoothing his hand over your hair. “I know you love this place. I don’t want you to feel like you need to give it up for me, ok? If you don’t want to…” he started, but you cut him off by quickly pressing your lips to his.

“You’re sweet, Lo. And I appreciate it. But I want to be with you and live in your hou—”

“Our,” he corrected with a small smile. The distinction made your heart swell and burst. Any lingering sadness you felt at saying goodbye to your space was quickly being pushed aside for the overwhelming joy you felt when you thought about being with Logan.

“Yes, our,” you laughed. “Ours,” you repeated before he was leaning down to kiss you again, slowly this time.

“Ours,” he mumbled against your lips, never moving away from them. One more languid kiss and you pulled apart, taking Logan’s hand in yours.

You scanned the place one more time as you stood in the doorway with Logan. After closing your eyes and taking in a long breath, you turned to him and nodded, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips. The silver key twisted in the knob and locked your old condo for the last time.

-----

A week or so later, Juliet was at the house firming up plans for Jim’s retirement party that was set to happen in a month. He was doing his best to keep this meeting as short as possible; he had something planned for this evening and Jules simply was not invited. Logan had already taken care of hiring catering, entertainment, and valets, but Juliet offered to help with décor of some kind since she tended to have a better eye for those sort of details. Truthfully, Logan didn’t give a shit what it looked like or what people ate or if they even had a good time. In fact, he’d prefer it be the shittiest party imaginable for the most miserable bastard he knew. But he couldn’t very well get away with that, not if he wanted to pull off the charade like he wanted and not with Juliet watching so closely. Why she wanted to give Jim a nice send off, he’d never understand.

“I was thinking of having these around the sitting room and out on the terrace,” Juliet said, showing Logan something on her computer. He didn’t know what it was because he couldn’t be bothered to look up from his phone.

“Uh huh, sure,” he agreed dismissively. Juliet angrily snapped her laptop shut, drawing Logan’s attention back to her.

“What the fuck is up with you? Do you not care about this?” she asked, a small fire starting in her eyes.

“Not at all, actually,” he shrugged.

“Then why the fuck are you throwing Dad this party, huh? You guys haven’t even spoken in months.” She was right. And it had been the best, most peaceful eight months of his life. “Listen, I know it’s been hard for you. And I know I haven’t been the best sister or friend even during all…this. But if there’s something you need to tell me, please.” She always had been able to read Logan better than anyone.

“Nope, just trying to send off dad the way he deserves,” Logan said cryptically, smiling a bit too wide. Juliet wasn’t buying it, but she conceded and decided maybe it was best to let it drop and stop talking about Jim for a bit.

“So, how’s it been living together? She’s not ready to rip your head off yet?” she teased, leaning back into the couch.

“It’s been amazing, actually,” he laughed silently, a fond smile playing on his lips as he thought about how excited he was for you to come home. “I was a little scared to live with someone else, you know? I’ve lived on my own for so long and she has too. But we’d been having so many sleepovers, it didn’t really feel like we had to learn how to live together. We just kind of got it. I just have less room in the closet now.”

“Which I’m sure is just unbearable for you,” Juliet said with a roll of her eyes.

“If that’s my biggest adjustment, I’m not complaining,” he remarked, bringing his bottle of beer to his lips, dumping the last of it down his throat.

“So, things must be…pretty serious then?” she asked with caution. Logan knew what she was trying to ask without the words actually leaving her mouth. For as well as Juliet could read him, he was just as well versed at catching her meaning without her coming out with it.

“We live together, Jules. I suppose so, yes.”

“Yeah, ok. But this is, like, easily the longest you’ve ever been with one person, let alone had a title on a relationship.” She was right. Logan didn’t exactly have a lengthy history of longevity in his relationships. Now that he was thinking about it, he was pretty sure you were the only proper partner he’d ever had. The thought was both jarring and comforting to him.

“Just ask me what you want to, stop with all this bullshit,” he said, waving his hand dismissively in her direction.

“Have you guys talked about, you know, getting married? Kids?”

“Jesus, Jules. No,” he answered a little too quickly. “We’re not there. Don’t know if we will be.”

“I’m just saying,” she started softly, “it’s something you might want to talk about if you plan on keeping her around. I mean, how are you going to feel if you’re on two completely different pages? How is she going to feel? What if she’s ready for you to put a ring on it and start popping out babies?”

Logan laughed violently at the thought. Fuck anyone who thought he’d ever even entertain being a father. And he couldn’t imagine you having thoughts like what Juliet just described. But…maybe she had a point. Exaggerated, but a point none the less. Logan still didn’t know how he felt about marriage as an institution. But, if he were going to consider spending his life with anyone, it was most certainly you.

“I’m almost positive she doesn’t feel that way,” he said as his laughter began to subside.

“Almost positive is not certain, though, now is it?” she countered with a raised eyebrow. “I’m just trying to get you to think a little bit since I know you like to gloss over that part.” Logan rolled his eyes. “I like her a lot, and I know you do too. I just don’t want to see either one of you end up hurt because you were too busy assuming you know everything like you always do.”

“I appreciate the concern, sis. I’ll make sure we’re both vehemently anti-baby,” he joked with a sly smile. The two fell into a comfortable silence before Logan decided it was time to open his mouth again. “Billy still a worthless piece of shit?” Logan asked nonchalantly.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” she huffed angrily, starting to put her things back in her bag.

“Do what?”

“Ruin an otherwise good time by being a shit head!” she spat back angrily. “Jesus, Logan. Wake up. He’s going to be your brother-in-law whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t like it,” he countered easily.

“I KNOW. I know, ok? And you know what? I don’t fucking care.” She was on her feet now, making her way to the front door with her bag slung over her shoulder.

“Jules…” Logan said with a sigh, only regretting bringing up William a little bit.

“I’ll talk to you later, ok?” With that, she was forcefully closing the door behind her, leaving Logan alone with an empty bottle and his thoughts.

He glanced at the clock and figured he had a couple hours until you’d be getting home. Perfect, he thought, and pulled himself off the couch to start getting ready for the evening he had planned for the two of you.

-----

You stepped into the foyer after getting home and immediately noticed all the lights were off inside the house. The only source of illumination was the soft glow of the fairy lights hung around the deck. You had no choice but to follow the pull of the warm yellows and oranges they emitted. When you got to the sliding glass door, you saw Logan standing in a clean but casual suit, a small bouquet in his hands.

“What is all this?” you asked, a little dreamy, as you stepped outside to join him and further observed a nice dinner set out for each of you, a few candles lit on the table between the plates. It was clear Logan had taken his time setting everything up, taking into consideration all the things you liked. No matter how beautiful of a scene he had set, he somehow managed to look even more perfect.

“You know what today is?” Logan asked, wrapping his unoccupied hand around your waist. You swallowed a large lump that had formed in your throat. Shit, did you forget about something huge? You were going to feel like such a dick if you did. Logan looked so happy and so handsome, you couldn’t stomach the idea of upsetting him.

“No…” you said in an impossibly small voice, your eyes worried as you looked up at Logan. But he just laughed a little and managed to smile wider.

“Well, I suppose I’m not surprised by that. Since this day definitely left a bigger impression on me than it did on you,” he said, confusing you even more. Logan just handed you the flowers and moved in to kiss you. His kiss was firm and full of the passion he couldn’t convey with words. His lips were perfectly soft as he moved against you, making you whimper quietly from the back of your throat. As he broke away just enough to speak again, you were left breathless thinking about the kiss he just gave you. “One year ago today, you yelled at me for being a little bitch to the barista at the coffee shop in my building.”

He knew. He remembered the day you met. Back then, you assumed he had been another pretty boy trying to get into your pants by any means necessary, but you now knew he’d been so persistent because he really wanted you and everything you were. The thought made you want to burst into tears on the spot. He really did have a gooey center under all those layers of armor he managed to put on every day. You reached up and cupped his cheek, grinning like an idiot.

“Logan Delos, are we celebrating our anniver—”

“Shh,” he cooed, kissing you again before motioning towards your seat and pulling your chair out for you. You just giggled and took your place across from Logan.

“This looks great. Thank you, Lo. It’s beautiful out here,” you praised with a genuine smile.

“Not nearly as beautiful as the company,” he said smoothly, sending you a wink that made a warmth spread across your chest. It was wild how he could still turn you into a schoolgirl with the smallest gesture.

You enjoyed your meal and a bottle of wine, just catching up on each other’s days, a little flirting where you could both fit it in. He told you about Juliet coming over and new party developments, well, the ones he cared to remember. You filled him in on work and the new client Charles had brought in. The whole evening, you were just itching to be closer, closer, closer to Logan. You wanted his skin on yours, your fingers in his hair, his lips to wander wherever they so desired. It was almost impossible to keep your train of thought at times; you hadn’t been this completely blinded by lust in quite some time. But just as you were getting lost in another fantasy about all the things Logan’s long fingers could do, he caught you off-guard with a question you had not at all been expecting.

“Do you want kids?” He asked it so casually, you almost didn’t catch it. But you did, and it made you choke momentarily on your wine.

“Excuse me?” you laughed lightly, trying to stifle a cough.

“Do you want kids?” he asked, more seriously this time.

“I…no. No, I really don’t. Never have,” you said honestly. “Sorry if that’s…”

“Good, me either,” he agreed quickly with a bright smile.

“Baby, where did that come from?” you asked with a tilt of your head. Logan let out a little sigh and ran his fingers absentmindedly through his hair.

“When Jules was over today. I don’t know, I guess she got into my head a little bit,” he said smiling again, shaking his head. “She asked me if we wanted to get married and have kids and…”

“Was moving in together not enough for her?” You raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“This,” he said, reaching his hand out and taking yours, tugging you gently until you got the idea to stand up and plopped yourself back down on his lap. Logan had really taken to having you in his lap lately, not that you were complaining. “This is why I love you,” he said gently, tucking your hair back behind your ear. “She was saying shit about how we could not be on the same page and how shitty that would be. But,” he paused to run a palm up your thigh, “I knew we were. We don’t even have to say it.”

“I’m happy with you, Lo. With us,” you said with a smile before kissing his temple. “I don’t feel the need to anything on anyone else’s timeline but our own, ok? And if we decide we don’t want to do anything, that’s our own goddamn business.” You leaned down to kiss him again, this time on his wine stained lips. Logan was quick to grip your hip a little tighter, swipe his tongue a little harder as he eagerly deepened the kiss.

“Can I show you part two now?” he asked, his voice now deep and rough, laced with his want for you.

“There’s a part two?” you giggled. Logan just nodded and swatted at your ass to get up. As soon as you did, he was quick to lift you in his arms again, carrying you bridal style through your house. He toed the door to the bedroom open where he had strung up similar lights to those outside around the bed. You could tell he had changed all the linens to be fresh for tonight. Logan gently dropped you on the plush bedding and quickly moved to lay over you.

“You’re so goddamn perfect,” he sighed against the delicate skin of your neck. “Let me show you how perfect you are.”

TAGGED: @marvelcapsicle @something-tofightfor @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @gollyderek @dylanobrusso @abroadcastofthemind @songtoyou

endgame rant

SPOILERS AHEAD PLEASE AVOID IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET

yeah i know i said i wouldn’t post spoiler shit but listen i gotta get this off my chest ok

i have some REAL BIG FUCKING ISSUES with the way the russos handled a lot of plotlines. don’t get me wrong, this movie was amazing and epic and fucking award worthy, but as a fan i’ve taken offense to a Lot of things.

clint

nothing about his ronin story makes a lick of fucking sense in the mcu. his family is dusted so he…… goes on a mass murdering spree??? decides that he should get a haircut and spend the next five years getting an edgy tattoo sleeve??? um. okay then. destroy the past like 10 years of his character having one of the best moral compasses of the entire team. why did he take up using a fucking SWORD in present day? do you know how long it takes to master swordsmanship at the level he was? with at least half of the world’s teachers gone? more than five fucking years thats for damn sure. and between him and natasha dying for the soul stone? it should have been him. i know he had a family and all but listen. nat went through physical and psychological torture. her body was modified against her will. she was brainwashed and used. and finally, FINALLY she gets free of it all, finds a family in the avengers, and continues to try and better herself to make up for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. and clint? what did he suffer? oh thats right. nothing. he’s just damn good at his job and loves his family. the fact he has a family sucks for sacrifice, but they are well taken care of and every single one of his kids are old enough to understand AND nat would have stepped in immediately as a parental figure to help laura. they fucking fridged nat for clint and i will never forgive that.

thor

here we go. thor’s character legit made me uncomfortable. they went way overboard with the new thor personality. but… fatshaming and making fun of his very real depression and ptsd?? wtf russos. like, haha he let himself go so funny but its NOT. he wasn’t even like…. fat, for one. just a normal dadbod and beer belly. which by the way seems a lot more realistic according to most norse myths of the gods. they were warriors, yeah, but they drank a fucking lot and feasted a fucking lot so. anyway. thor has lost his entire family. not only that but he watched them all die. he saw his mother bleed out. he watched his father disperse into nothingness. he watched the brother he has loved and cherished no matter the amount of times of betrayal and misdeeds get his neck snapped and his lifeless body thrown to the ground. and then the sister he never knew he had killing almost all of your people and then being forced to find a way to kill her. can you imagine trying to cope with that??? and when you put his age into our perspective, he’s only in his 20s. so imagine seeing your whole family die before you’re even 25, then taking on the responsibility of ruling your people. said surviving people are then massacred in front of you with only a few dozen escaping. THEN living with the guilt of blowing your chance to kill the man responsible for that and unable to stop him from decimating half the universe. (and even when he does get revenge on him, it’s too late) tell me you wouldn’t have an atomic level meltdown. thor is suffering so much and all they can do is make fun of him for it and shame him for it. he deserved better.

steve

yall know i don’t like steve. i don’t hate him and i’m not anti-steve, i’ve just never enjoyed his rather inconsistent character and self-righteousness. it felt like we were FINALLY getting a steve i could get behind in this. a steve that swears like he should. a steve who still puts on a brave face for the public but behind closed doors with friends he’s miserable and broken like the rest of them and SHOWS it to them. a steve who realizes he is stuck in the past and just can’t seem to move forward. a steve who i can finally see the culmination of EVERYTHING he’s been through resting on his shoulders and eating him alive inside. finally we were getting a properly layered steve rogers. and then tony came back and that all fell apart. we didn’t get the apology steve owed him (and tbh tony owed him one too but we’ll get to that), we didn’t get a remorseful steve. he didn’t even address the goddamn issue. he went straight back to his bullshit. admittedly he was a better listener this time around and a far better team player overall. it wasn’t a total loss. but. BUT. his ending? no. hell fucking no. i’m happy he and peggy got their life, but it still shouldn’t have happened. how fucking selfish. how fucking backwards of his character. i get he didn’t have a choice in being brought back into the present and that is unfair and sucks for him, but what fucking right did he have to mess with a timeline like that? what right did he have to just decide without telling anyone he was done and giving up? why did he get the fucking happy ending???? steve rogers who looked tony in the eyes and said he wasn’t the kind of man to lay on the wire for someone copped out. steve rogers who knows of all the social progress we’ve made decides to go back to a time where he would be forced to accept segregation and extreme gender inequality and rampant, blatant, gross racism of all sorts oh and more war and alkjdalksdhkas NO plus they broke their own time travel rules so like whatever i guess right?? it’s okay if steeb gets his stupid happy ending right? god is it SO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONCE TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OFCAP???? it’s not your fault cevans honey you’re doing amazing your directors just have no fucking idea 

tony

frankly this has been amongst rdj’s best performances of tony. i’m still partial to a lot of his acting in the iron man movies BUT this was FANTASTIC. him finally being allowed to absolutely go off on steve was fucking delicious and everything i was waiting for. let it all out tony baby. buuuuut we should have also had something more. i know my fellow tony stans typically don’t believe it but tony was wrong in civil war too. surprise they both fucking were. ANYWAY. i was waiting for an honest apology between them both. after everything they just went through, NONE of the petty bullshit they went through before matters at all. and yet the closest thing we get is tony just being like “turns out i don’t like to hold grudges” or what the fuck ever. why is it so hard just to make one of them say i’m sorry, the other say i’m sorry, admit it was a bunch of BULLSHIT hug it out and then go forward???? ugh. their choice to make tony suddenly care about his dad and be happy to see him???? disgusting. they made it canon that howard was an abuser, neglectful, cold, and hateful. it’s been a BIG DEAL how tony has struggled with the relationship to his dad because of how shitty the man was to him. and then they do tHAT? fuuuuCK that!!!! i’m not saying tony isn’t allowed to forgive howard. thats fine and expected tbh. but they pushed it way too far. the tony stark we’ve known for the last decade would never get all giddy and happy to see him and hug him and fucking thank him??? what the fuckk?? god that was gross. you know what we should have gotten? what tony deserved more than howard fucking stark? MARIA STARK!! and then, of course, my main issue. they fucking killed him. which only tells us, the audience and fans that no matter what you suffer and sacrifice that your only way to redemption is death. jesus fucking christ i am SO angry over this. they killed the two who suffered the fucking most. the two who every single goddamn day worked on being a better person. nat and tony both deserved so much better than waht they got. how the fuck did it make sense to kill tony who now has a fucking CHILD, who still has a future, who FINALLY FOR ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE FOUND A SHRED OF PEACE????? and then let steve just go selfishly galavant through time as he pleases to have the cute happy ending? FUCK that ending. fuck it right up the ass with a huge unlubed cock. steve should have been the one to use the gauntlet. period. he should have been the one to die like that. i would have still fucking cried but you know what?? that would be the most cap thing ever. i wanted a mirror of pre-serum steve jumping on that grenade, but this time grabbing the gauntlet and not hesitating for a split second to snap. but no. they killed tony who left behind a wife who DESERVED MORE THAN HAVING THE MAN SHES LOVED AND SUPPORTED AND MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD WITH RIPPED AWAY FROM HER!!! tony who left behind a daughter too young to really comprehend yet why her daddy isn’t going to be coming back. fuck you russos. the injustice of it is astounding. i’m never going to get over it. you know how they could have killed tony? if they really felt like they needed to? have him grow old and die naturally of old age with pepper in their cute little lakeside house after watching morgan grow into such a strong and brilliant person. but oh. they gave that to steve. right.

stephen

i’ll never complain about having more stephen content but uhhhh i’m gonna complain that we didn’t get more than what we got cause after sitting in the soulworld for five fucking years you canNOT tell me he didn’t get even stronger with time to practice and meditate and work through every iota of information of mystical shit in his head. and yet they sidelined him??? after we’ve SEEN what he’s capable of in IW? just gonna put him on flood control???? something that any of those goddamn sorcerers could have done while he helps wipe the floor with thanos or any of the thousands of enemies? fuuuuuuuuuck that. can you fucking imagine how quickly thanos would have been taken out if it were wanda, carol, and stephen all three against him? jesus. he’s literally amongst the most powerful people but nah, just have him stand over there.

the gay russo

FUCK you for that. i am LIVID about it. yall can’t fucking make valkyrie bi???? or carol????? yall can’t GET AN ACTUAL GAY ACTOR? “ We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that. “ WHAT????????? are you fucking telling me a WOC WHO IS OUT AS BISEXUAL AND WANTS HER CHARACTER TO BE BISEXUAL COULDNT ENSURE THE INTEGRITY OF AN LGBT CHARACTER???????????????? “ It is a perfect time, because one of the things that is compelling about the Marvel Universe moving forward is its focus on diversity.”  SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT????? oh my god fuck them forever.

lets make rules for our time travel then break them immediately

idek whats going on in the timeline anymore. they utterly fucked up and BROKE the timeline of 2012 avengers after letting loki get away with the tesseract. which should have cascaded into their future but, well, it didn’t. so i GUESS now we’re just pretending that made a new timeline which makes no goddamn sense but whatever i guess. steve going back to completely fuck with his timeline, or a timeline at least, and having no consequences in the future besides being old. okay. sure??? we can do all that but we can’t fucking get natasha back. right. cool. okay.

anyway i’m sure theres more bugging me but these are the things bothering me most.

and frankly i don’t care if anyone disagrees i’m not arguing or debating any of this. 

The Harder Path

Because if there’s one thing he’s sure of in this life, it’s that they weren’t built for taking the easy way.

Hardy & Miller, rated M.  Smut.  Response to this prompt from this list.

(Starts off steamy!)

AO3

“What are we doing?” Folding his right arm behind his head Hardy watched as Ellie redressed in a hurry, content to stay propped against his headboard.

Sitting on the bed to put her socks and shoes on, she glanced over her shoulder.  “I’m getting dressed so we can get back to work.  I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, other than being a perv.”

“I meant…” he waved his hand vaguely over the bed, sitting up.  “First you show up at two a.m. and shag my brains out, then suddenly we’re spending our lunch breaks in my bed.”

“Are you complaining?”

“No.”  Concerned eyes watched her check her reflection in the mirror. “I just… don’t understand.  I figured we’d talk about it at some point, but it’s been a month and you haven’t said anything.  What is this?”

Ellie shook her head, scoffing as she crossed to where he sat.  “Figures you’d be the girl about it.  It’s sex, okay?  Can that just… be enough?”  Bending down she kissed him, sucking on his lower lip and making his brain short-circuit.

“El-”

“Please?”

He sighed heavily, giving in.  He still needed answers, but it was clear he wouldn’t be getting any today.  “D’you know where my pants went?”

“This is incredibly inappropriate,” he mumbled against her lips, even as he pressed her harder into the door.  The basement supply closet was hardly what he’d consider to be a romantic rendezvous spot, but when Ellie dragged him there in the middle of a nightshift and started undoing his trousers, he wasn’t going to complain.  Much.

Ellie nipped at his adam’s apple, slipping her hand into his pants and fisting him.  “Dear God you bitch a lot for a bloke getting shagged on the regular.”

“I like my job,” he grunted, undoing her trousers, “and I like doing it with you.”

“Just fuck me,” she said, “before someone notices we’re missing.”

That was an unlikely scenario, though hurrying still seemed like a good idea – but he was reluctant to make it too quick.  “Yeah, yeah.”  His fingers wormed their way into her knickers, finding her already dripping. “Shit, the hell you been doing at your desk, Miller?”

She pushed her trousers down to her knees, kicking one foot free and setting it on an overturned bucket next to them.  “Stop talking.”

Hardy shook his head, digging a condom out of his back pocket before lowering his own trousers enough. The last time he’d had sex on the clock, at the nick, Tess had been pregnant with Daisy and insatiable.  Ellie’s nimble hands snatched it from him, rolling it on and tugging him closer.

Her eyes slipped shut as he pushed inside, and he paused once seated to stare at her face.  In truth, he wasn’t the type of man for casual sex.  He wanted a connection, love.  And he loved Ellie, that he’d been certain of for years now. The question was, did she love him? Was she just scared, after Joe? He wouldn’t blame her for that, but he needed to know.

He needed more.

“Al-ec,” she whined, and against his better judgement he gave in, slowly starting to move his hips.

If it weren’t so damned satisfying, he would’ve put a stop to it long ago.

He woke to the sound of his bedroom door creaking open, and checking the clock, he sighed.  She was like clockwork, but this time, he was determined to get some answers out of her first.

“You can turn the light on.”

“I’d rather not,” she whispered, the rustle of fabric as she stripped, and his conviction wavered.

Setting his jaw he turned on the bedside lamp, bathing the room in a soft golden glow.

“What’d you do that for?” Ellie asked crossly, sitting on the bed by his feet.

Hardy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  “We need to talk.”

“I don’t-”

“No,” he held his hand up, “stop.  I need to talk, and you need to listen.”

She scowled but nodded, crossing her legs in front of her and waiting expectantly.

“Right-”  He had honestly not expected to get this far, and floundered for a moment.  “Okay. We’ve been sleeping together for a while now.  And, it’s brilliant, no question.  But… what are we doing?  What is this?  And before you go saying all the things you’ve been saying… It’s just you and me here.  Please, I need you to be honest.”

Ellie’s expression softened, and she dropped her eye to stare at the duvet.  “Why does it matter?”

“Because I love you.” He hadn’t intended to say it, but once it was out there hanging between them he couldn’t bring himself to regret it even as her head snapped up, eyes widening in fear.

“What the fuck?  Hardy!”

“I love you,” he repeated, reaching for her hand, “and I can’t keep… doing this.  It’s all right, if you don’t love me back, but honestly I’m not even sure if you trust me.”

“Of course I trust you!”  She had the audacity to look offended, brow furrowing.  “How can you say that?  You’re the only person in the world I trust!”

“Well, it doesn’t feel like it.”  Hardy took a deep breath to get his rising temper under control.  “I have no idea what you’re thinking or feeling, Ellie. In all the years we’ve worked together, I’ve never felt more out of sync that I have in the last six months. Whatever’s going on… It can’t continue. Not as it is.”

Her lower lip wobbled, eyes filling with tears.  “You’re ending it?  Seriously?”

“That’s up to you.” He cupped her cheek, thumb wiping away a stray tear.  “As I said, I love you.  I’m in love with you.  You’re breaking my heart, El.”

After a moment she knocked his hand away, wiping her own tears.  “Fine.  I’ll see you Monday.”

And then she was gone as quickly as she’d arrived, only she took all of the heat with her.  Hardy sat in his bed watching the door for a long time, before finally turning out the light to try and sleep.

When he finally passed out, it was to dream of how she’d treated him during the start of Joe’s trial, so many years before.

A week passed, then two, and he was fairly certain the only reason no one asked him about the distance between himself and Miller was the dark glare he gave anyone who came within five feet of him.

Friday finally came, and he had the whole weekend off.  Shutting down his computer, he sighed as he walked past Ellie’s desk.  She’d taken to coming in even earlier now, leaving a solid hour before his normal time.  Having nothing better to do with Daisy in London at uni and his only friend resolutely ignoring him, he was racking up as much overtime as Jenkinson allowed just to keep himself busy.

Walking out onto the sidewalk, his shoulders slumped as he tried to think of something to do.  The chief had caught him the previous week trying to sneak casefiles home, and reamed him out for trying to work off the clock and skewing their numbers.

Glancing towards the right, he spotted a lone figure in the distance sitting on the seawall.  He was tempted to ignore it, pretend he hadn’t seen her, but no one would believe that – one could probably see that hideous neon orange windbreaker from fucking Mars.

When he was ten feet away he deliberately scuffed his feet, making enough noise to try to alert her to his presence.

“Hi,” she sighed, and he frowned to see her shoulders hunched.  She looked as pathetic as he felt, and when he slumped down next to her he figured they made a sad pair.

“Hello.”

“Joe got married.”

“What?”

Ellie sniffled, nodding at his incredulous expression.  “I found out about two hours before I showed up at your door that first night.  The man murdered an eleven-year-old he was in love with, and yet he gets remarried and moves on while I live a miserable, lonely life as penance for his sins? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“There’s no need for you to do penance,” Hardy frowned, ignoring her comments about her ex-husband. He would forever be angry with the legal system which let him off, but refused to give the man another second of his time.  Ellie was his focus, and had been from the first moment of suspicion all those years ago.

“Isn’t that why you originally came to Broadchurch?” she smiled sardonically.  “As penance for Sandbrook?”

“Fair enough.”

They sat in silence, listening as the tide rolled in.  The moon was half-full and it was a cloudy night, with only just enough light to see her profile.

“I do.”

“Do what?”

“What you said, when- I… do too.”

His breath caught, heart leaping so wildly he wondered if his pacemaker would go off.  “What?”

“I just… I don’t know if I can handle that in the light of day again,” she said quietly, playing with her fingers.  “If I deserve that.  I keep thinking, ‘what will Beth say’?  I can’t lose her friendship again.  If she pulls away, we’ll never fix it.  She’s all I have, after you.  I can’t lose you both.”

Hardy sighed deeply, staring out to sea.  “She might surprise you.”

Ellie snorted, shaking her head.  “Nah.  And with you?  She might say she’s all right at first, but that little voice in the back of her head will start up.  She’ll remember the accusations during the trial, and she’ll wonder.  That fucking voice will ask if maybe I didn’t see the truth of Joe cause I was too busy fucking you.”

“She wouldn’t think that.”

“Wouldn’t she, though? I would.”

“Ellie…”

She took a shuddering breath.  “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to offer you… everything.  It is- can it be enough that I feel the same?”

Hardy looked up at the sky, studying the stars.  He wanted her, wanted to be with her, and had long since accepted a willingness to take what she would give.  Could he accept a physical relationship in lieu of an emotional one?  He’d considered the possibility of it being the other way around, and he’d been fine with that.  Sex was great, but he wanted emotional intimacy; he needed the emotional intimacy.

Did he need her more?

“I want- I need to hear you say it,” he said quietly.  “We can keep this in the dark if that’s what you want, keep it quiet, but… I need something real, Ellie.  I need a real relationship.  It can’t just be you showing up for a fuck in the middle of the night and leaving once you’re satisfied.”

“Oi, what’re you two weirdos up to?”

Hardy couldn’t help his groan as none other than Beth Latimer jogged up to them, panting.  “Hi, Beth.”

“Hey Hardy.”  She gave him a friendly enough smile before catching sight of Ellie’s face.  “El? What’s wrong?  What’d you do to her?”  Beth settled on the seawall on Ellie’s other side, leaning forward to scowl at him as she wrapped a protective arm around Ellie’s shoulders.

He hesitated only a moment before shrugging.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  “Beth, question for you.”

“Yeah?”

“You mean the world to her, and she’s rather concerned about your reaction, but I’d like to hear your honest thoughts.”

“Okay…”  Beth narrowed her eyes.  “What?”

“Alec!” Ellie hissed, but he ignored her.

“How would you feel if Ellie and I were together?  Romantically, I mean.”

After a moment, she began to laugh.  “Shit, is that all?  You had me worried!”

“What?”  Ellie blinked at her, head tilting.

“I figured that’s why he came back,” she tilted her head towards him.  “Especially once Daisy went to London.”

Ellie’s mouth dropped open, and even Hardy had to admit to some surprise at her cavalier attitude. “Seriously?  You don’t have an issue?”

Beth just shrugged her shoulders.  “You think if I had any reservations about him I’d let our daughters go off to live together in London for uni?  Just answer me one thing.”

“Anything.”  Hardy leaned forward, bracing himself for any possibility.

“Were you having an affair of any sort before Joe was acquitted?  A shag, a kiss, anything?”

He snorted.  “I offered her a hug right after he changed his plea and she basically told me to fuck off.  What do you think?”

After a moment Beth nodded. “Then, no.  I’m good.  Wait, Jesus, have you not been together all this time ‘cause you were worried about my opinion?!”

“That wasn’t the only reason,” Ellie protested weakly, earning herself a loud scoff.

“Now that, that is pathetic. Right, here’s what we’re going to do. It’s a Friday night, Fred will come stay with me and you two go shag each other silly.  Ellie, when you can pry yourself out of bed – not necessarily tomorrow – you’re going to come to mine, we’ll send the kids to yours with David, we’ll demolish a few bottles of wine and you’ll tell me every detail. Capise?”

“Uh… okay?”

“Great!  Just ring me when you’re headed over.  Have a great weekend.”  And she was off again, putting her headphones back in and running down the path.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Ellie fumed, whacking his leg.  “Wanker.”

“D’you want to tell me what your real objection is, then?” he asked shrewdly.  “Or did you think you could hide behind that forever?”

“How was I supposed to know you’d willingly talk to someone?  I don’t think that’s happened before.”

“Miller, it might behoove you to remember that I’m a detective too.  I know when I’m being lied to.”

She opened her mouth and promptly shut it, but he could see the thought as though it were lit in neon. All she said, however, was “How?”

“How what?”

Ellie turned to him, wide eyes heavy with tears as her lower lip trembled.  “How can you think I deserve happiness or… or love after Joe?”

Hardy’s heart ached at the soft question, but kept his expression bland.  “Why wouldn’t I?”

“You know what he did. You were the first to know.”

“Aye,” he agreed, inching his hand along the seawall towards hers, “but that was him.  Not you.”

“I was his wife.”

“And as I recall, not two minutes after you found out the truth you beat the ever-living shit out of him.”

“Costing us a conviction!”

“Well…”  That was true enough, though he grimaced at the thought. “It wasn’t your fault.  None of it.”

She sniffled.  “You’re too nice to me.”

Hardy laughed at that, loudly.  “Never heard you say that before.  Usually you complain I’m yellin’ at you.”  In truth, he liked it when she yelled.  He’d always had a thing for fiery women with short tempers, loved the passion she inspired in him when she went toe to toe, defending her point of view and not taking his shit.

He’d liked it even better over the last six months when it would lead to a quick and dirty shag wherever they could get a minute’s privacy.  (They never got a hotel room, though- and he loved her a little more for understanding why without needing to ask.)

“We believe in the same things,” Ellie said quietly, “even if we have different ideas of how to best go about making it happen.”  And, finally, she slipped her thumb over his, rubbing it gently.

Shifting to face her, he relaxed slightly to see the tears were gone, though slight shimmering paths down her cheeks were still present.  “I love you.  And I believe, genuinely, that we both deserve peace as an absolutely bare minimum. Our misery helps no one, and those who committed the crimes we pay penance for get to be happy while we suffer? Fuck that.”

“Okay.”

“Aye?”

Ellie turned to face him, meeting his eye and putting on a brave smile.  “Yes.”

All of the tension of the last six months bled out of him in an instant, heart soaring as it filled with the love he’d tried so desperately to hold back.  Leaning in to kiss her, his lips had barely brushed hers before she spoke one last time, a soft giggle and whisper.

“I love you too.”

so this is for @skate-fast-eat-grass and anybody interested in the dysfunctional gays. this is going to be pt 1, rhys is going to be meeting miranda and malcolm in pt 2 (the ending is rushed i’m so sorry)

Rhys Winters wakes up in a cold sweat, but for a horrifying second he thinks it may be a pool of his own blood.

Everything is bright, it’s burning, he doesn’t know where up is and down is, he doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know how to breathe. He doesn’t know how to think.

When his breathing steadies and the world stops spinning, he looks down. No blood. Not his blood. But he’s certain he saw blood just a second ago—

And the snapshot of Daniel and dad practically bathing in it flashes brightly in his brain, and his stomach clenches with terror. He wants to throw up. He can’t bring himself to open his mouth.

Daniel and dad, Daniel and dad, where are they?

At a further look, Rhys seems to be in a medical clinic. He opens his mouth to yell for his family, but no words are enough, and his brain hurts too hard to produce anything. So he just makes a strangled gasping noise.

“Oh, hey,” says a soft voice from across the room. It comes from a boy about his age who looks like his hair is threaded from pure gold, and his eyes mirror the sky outside.

Rhys gulps and finally says, “My — Daniel and dad? Where are they?”

A second ago, the boy looked like sunshine. Now his face falls, sympathy spreading across his features. Rhys feels his heart sink.

“They’re alive, right?” he rasps.

And from the way the blonde boy starts walking towards him, sitting on the edge of his bed, he already knows the answer.

The boy leans forward to pat his shoulder gently. Rhys can’t see his face properly, or anything properly for that matter, because now the world is blurry. Rhys is filled with the urge to scream at the top of his lungs, but his throat is too thick.

“I’m so sorry,” blonde boy mutters, shuffling around to offer a tissue. Rhys takes it, wiping at the tears trickling down his cheeks. No use; more fall down.

There’s silence for a little while. Nobody speaks, and there’s no sound except for Rhys’s sniffling. His stomach feels hollow, but everything else of stone.

“I’m Will,” says the boy when Rhys wipes at his face again. “Want to tell me your name?”

“Rhys.” (He can’t bring himself to say anymore.)

Will nods. “I like that name. How old are you?”

For a second, Rhys tries not to think about how old Daniel never will be. Eighteen was the very oldest he’d ever reach. “Twelve,” he mutters, shaking those thoughts out of his head.

“Me too!” Will brightens. “You know, I have a sister and she’s our age. She’s really good at cheering people up.”

Rhys doesn’t know what to say, nor does he want to say anything, so he lets Will finish.

“I think it would be good for you to meet her. Make a friend, y’know?”

Talking to people doesn’t seem like it would cheer him up. But Rhys doesn’t want to be alone, and when he’s not completely miserable he needs friends. So he nods weakly, but does nothing more.

Something flashes in Will’s eyes. “Come on,” he says nervously, “we’ll get you some camp clothes. And … there’s a couple things to explain.”

————————————

“When will I be claimed again?”

Will attempts to not look dismayed. “Well, we don’t know exactly. But it’ll happen soon, don’t worry!”

Rhys feels vaguely suspicious of that statement, but he can’t gather the energy to probe any further. Camp Half-Blood is strange and full of wonders, he observes as Will takes him around, and it’s going to be his home. Permanently. Or at least for a very, very long time. And he’s never had a home that’s lasted for more than a few years. (How should he feel about that? Dad and Daniel would laugh.)

In the distance, he can make out the figures of a boy and a girl in an archery range. The height difference is very noticeable; the girl is basically a midget. Also, she has cool hair. Half-shaved, long and dark brown.

They near closer to the archers, and from what Rhys can see, both of them are incredible shots.

“Hey, Bella,” Will says cheerfully. “New camper over here.”

The girl with cool hair — Bella — spins around, a hand on her quiver. “Hey!” she greets. Will beckons her over and pulls her aside for a minute.

Rhys wanders towards the boy, who’s notching an arrow but quite obviously listening to Will and Bella’s conversation. He can’t see the boy’s face from behind him, and he’s content to watch him shoot. Plus, it filters out the conversation. Rhys knows what they’re saying.

Will mutters something along the lines of “his mortal family just died, be easy on him” or whatever. Rhys’s eyes burn. He catches Bella shoot him a pitying glance, and avert her eyes just as quickly.

Suddenly the boy lowers his bow and turns towards Rhys — and maybe it’s just Rhys’s brain being weird, but he’s abnormally pretty. Dark hair, light brown skin, freckles, and a little smirk. His face is sculpted like marble. His eyes flicker around like everything seems funny, like he’s in on a joke that nobody else is.

“Cat got your tongue?” the boy says lightly. His voice is deep and rich as dark chocolate.

“Uh,” Rhys says eloquently, brain fizzling out.

The boy’s brown eyes sparkle, and he extends a hand. “I’m Adrien Liou.”

“Rhys Winters,” Rhys replies, shaking Adrien’s hand which is colder than it should be.

Then Bella barges in, shoving Adrien aside. “Move over,” she complains.

“I am.”

“Your ego takes up too much space,” she teases.

Adrien’s face falls back into a smirk again. “Says you.”

Side by side, Bella and Adrien could almost be mistaken for twins. They speak the same way, with slang and deep voices and a tone like it’s all just fun and games to them. Rhys thinks he likes it.

“So, Rhys,” Bella says, scrambling for small talk and notching an arrow, “are you undetermined?”

“Uh … undetermined?”

Bella opens her mouth to explain, but Adrien cuts her off.

“Bro, what is up with your voice?” he exclaims, eyes wide.

For a second, Rhys’s mind goes blank for the umpteenth time that day. Then it strikes him that he is in America, where people actually pronounce their r’s and say their a’s a little differently.

“It’s just an accent,” he dismisses. “I wasn’t born in America.”

Adrien nods wisely. “Antarctican?”

Rhys splutters. “What?”

“Antarctica!” Adrien repeats. “Yeah, man, you kind of look like a polar bear.” He pokes at Rhys’s curly mop of pale-blonde hair.

To Rhys’s further exasperation, Bella lowers her bow and scans him thoughtfully. “He actually does,” she murmurs.

“Uh.” Rhys doesn’t know what to say. He just lost Dad and Daniel, and now he has to deal with this? He wonders if they would mind so terribly if he started crying out of pure exhaustion. “I’m from Australia, actually.”

Adrien’s eyebrows furrow together. It might be slightly attractive. “What’s that? Do they have polar bears there?”

“Nah,” Bella says, “bad heat, kangaroos, vegemite.”

“Something like that,” Rhys agrees.

Again, Bella jumps to change the subject. “How old are you, Mr. Kangaroos and Vegemite?”

Daniel will never be any older than eighteen, the voice at the back of his head sing-songs.

Shut up, Rhys says back. Dad would never let him say shut up. Especially not to Daniel, but Daniel isn’t h

Shut up.

Bella and Adrien are looking at him expectantly, and Rhys realises he must’ve zoned out for a second.

“Sorry,” he says awkwardly, “I’m twelve.”

“Lucky,” Bella grumbles. “I’m turning twelve in August.”

Adrien grins like the cat with the cream. “Ha! Mine’s in July.”

Bella eyes him like whatever force that was repressing her from shooting her arrow at Adrien’s face is melting away slowly.

She doesn’t reply, and silence with Adrien and Bella feels awkward. Wrong. Unnatural. See, they never stop talking.

A question pops into Rhys’s mind. “Do the two of you know who your … gods are?”

“Godly parents,” Bella corrects. “Yeah. My dad is Apollo. God of the sun, music, poetry, archery, healing, maybe a couple billion other things.”

“And my mom is Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty,” Adrien adds. “You can tell because I’m beautiful.”

Yes, he is, Rhys’s brain says.

Shut up, his brain says again. Because he is not gay, thank you very much. He thinks back to the little twirl in his tummy that came whenever he saw Aaliyah Ryan with the brown hair and apple-green eyes every day for three years at primary school. It reassures him. He thinks back to watching cartoons in the cinema with Daniel, and the pretty cartoon girls on the big screen that he would marry in a heartbeat.

Then why does he have that same fizzy, exhilarating feeling at the bottom of his stomach and the middle of his chest and the back of his brain whenever he looks at Adrien? Adrien isn’t a girl. He doesn’t have delicate features or a high, silky voice, or long, shiny hair. He’s nothing like a girl. But for some reason Rhys still feels the same way he does around pretty girls around this one pretty boy.

Rhys isn’t gay. Adrien is just extremely gorgeous. That’s all.

“Cool,” Rhys says, shaking away his thoughts.

He stays there at the archery range for maybe another half-hour, listening to Adrien and Bella’s pointless banter. They never stop talking, and it’s always talking about stupid things. It’s slightly exhausting.

Will arrives with an apologetic smile midway through a heated argument about High School musical. Rhys has never been so relieved in his life. It’s not that he doesn’t like Adrien and Bella — he does. But being around them in such a miserable state is like being around two hyperactive dogs while trying to relax at a park.

“So, how’d it go?” Will asks. The sun is starting to set, throwing streaks of gold across a pink and blue sky. It’s cooler now, and Rhys can hardly believe how long this day has been.

“They’re, uh.” Rhys struggles for adequate words. “... interesting.”

Title: None

Summary: Chadwick is on a promotional tour for a movie and he is beyond miserable and worn out, so you decide to pay him a visit to lift his spirits. 

 Chadwick didn't know it yet, but you, his wife of two years now was planning on stopping by for a visit during the press tour of his upcoming film. But it wasn't just a regular visit, he had called you up a couple of days ago and vented to you about how stressed out and tired he was, how he wanted all of this to be over and come back home to you and get a home cooked meal and get some much needed rest which you couldn’t have agreed more about, your man was irritated at the news about the studio adding an extra two weeks to the tour, but what could he do? He was under contract and had to obey it.

The current stop to the tour was back in the US, in Houston, Texas so you quickly booked a ticket and went down to see him, halfway during the flight you had an idea of how you wanted to lift his spirits, you decided to contact the people who would be conducting the two part interviews he would be doing and told them of your plan, which they were on board about and thought it was funny. Your plan was to dress up as a man and added an obnoxious and quirky personality to him, once you land you head to the nearest store to buy your outfit which were baggy pants that was way too big for you, boxer shorts, a plain white t-shirt that you would stain later on and silver boots that looked like space boots, to top it off you pulled your hair up into a wig cap to put a bucket hat on your head and had a fake beard on. Once you arrive to the place where the interviews would be held you had gotten ready, careful not to bump into Chadwick and not spoil the surprise, you didn't put any effort into wanting to wear any makeup, you knew that he would regonize you and that would make it even funnier, after the second interview was over his publisist informed him that he would have to do a third interview and he let out a big sigh in annoyance but that would soon all go away once he saw who would be interviewing him.

Chadwick had sat down and was looking around the set, the door to his left opened and you walked in with an open bag of cool ranch doritios "What up what up what up" you say in a "douchy" voice, once he saw you he instantly burst out laughing but you stayed in character, you sat down and went "interview" him. "So, Chadwick Boseman" you begin with then took out a chip and ate it, he played along but chuckling every now and then whenever you did something that got to him "Uh, yes hello how are you?" he asked and you nodded "I am zesty today thank you for asking" he laughed so hard that he had to catch his breath, you had caught him off guard with that one but you carried on "Yes yes, quite zesty, pesty, uhhh what else rhymes with zesty?...ahhh...anyway lets get on with this, so Chadwick Boseman" "Yes" "You're married to YN YLN" "I am" "You hitting that?" he chuckles while covering his face then nods "Yes, I am hitting that umm what was your name again?", "Oh yes I never told you my name, the name is Carlton Banks" "Oh really?" "Yes, but everyone calls me Jazzy Jeff" "Okay, cool" "Yes, I don't know why they do it they just do, I don't get it really....so Chadwick, what other famous black guy will you be playing next?" "Ummm I don't know" "I suggest you play Flavor Flav", he nods "Forreal?" "For sure brotha, I think you would be great, I mean why not? It would be zesty" he keeps playing along like it was just a regular interview, you mention inside jokes with just the two of you which confuses everyone else but you both got it, then you went back to bringing yourself up and made your character look thirsty "YN YLN, how long has she been your wifey?" "Two years" "Ya'll got kids?" "Not yet, no" "How did you get that? Get all up in that, she looks like she mean, like if you slid in her dm's she'd hurt your feelings, she fine but she look mean", "Nah, she ain't mean she's very nice" "Home girl is fiooone" "Too fine" "Da fattest ass" and that was what done it again, what made him break out of his pretend seriousness and laugh again, he was miserable during the whole tour, there were some good times while joking around with his cast mates and on talk shows, but he honestly couldn't wait for everything to wrap up as soon as possible, you being here to cheer him up made him not loose any more of his sanity, you always knew how to make him feel good without having to make love to him, you could do that to him in various ways and it was one of the things that he adored about you, you make him want to be better and look forward to the next day, because if you were in it then who was he to complain.

Once your time was up you ended it with "Alright, that's all I got for ya bruh uhhh Chadwick Boseman Robinson Brown Marshall Udaku everyone" you get up to get him a fist bump but he hugs you instead then kisses you, the people in the room clap and awe, you were truly a trip.

Why I hate... #1

“The headcanon that James changed for Lily" 

 There is no evidence whatsoever that James Potter changed for Lily Evans. It’s something that fans have decided is ideal to want. 

The main quote–if not the only–referencing James changing is from Order and the Phoenix, Career Advice (The chapter after Harry finds out Lily ‘hated’ James). 

keys:

[my thoughts]

{summary}

quotes/quotes

The conversation goes as follows:

When he had finished, neither Sirius nor Lupin spoke for a moment. Then Lupin said quietly, “I wouldn’t like you to judge your father on what you saw there, Harry. He was only fifteen–” [He was actually sixteen at that point since his birthday is in March, but whatever.]

“I’m fifteen!” said Harry heatedly.

“Look, Harry,” said Sirius placatingly, “James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other, it was just one of those things, you can understand that, can’t you? [We know this is true from the flashback of them meeting in Deathly Hallows.] I think James was everything Snape wanted to be–he was popular, he was good at Quidditch, good at pretty much everything. [Snape does complain to Lily about how great everyone thinks James is in DH.] And Snape was just this little oddball who was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts and James–whatever else he may have appeared to you, Harry–always hated the Dark Arts.” 

{Harry says James attacked Snape for no good reason. Lupin explains how they were the height of cool and sometimes got a bit carried away. Sirius and Lupin reminisce, and Harry says he thought James was a bit of an idiot. Sirius replies they were all idiots, “Well–not Moony so much.” Remus says how he never told them to lay off, and Sirius says he made them feel guilty sometimes.} 

“And,” said Harry doggedly, determined to say everything that was on his mind now he was here, “he kept looking over at the girls by the lake, hoping they were watching him!”

“Oh, well, he always made a fool of himself whenever Lily was around,” said Sirius, shrugging. “He couldn’t stop himself showing off whenever he got near her.” 

“How come she married him?” Harry asked miserably. “She hated him!” 

“Nah, she didn’t,” said Sirius.

“She started going out with him in seventh year,” said Lupin.

“Once James had deflated his head a bit,” said Sirius. [Notice he says “a bit,” and not had a change of personality like in a numerous amount of fanfics.]

“And stopped hexing people just for the fun of it,” said Lupin.

{Then they start talking about James and Snape and them hexing each other and whether Lily was okay with it.} 

The point is James had more important things to worry about than if a girl he fancied didn’t like him. Also, nowhere in that passage does anyone refer to him as changing, I mean he stopped doing things and deflated his head a bit but his essence was still the same (hated the Dark Arts, didn’t care about blood status, a good friend), he just grew up. 

Such things being:

Sirius said he (as in Sirius not James) ran away when he “was about sixteen.” When Harry asked where he went he told him he went to James’ place and that James’ parents “sort of adopted [him] as a second son.” Sirius' birthday, according to Rowling, is November third meaning he turned sixteen two months into fifth year, so ran away before sixth year started seeing as he has no chance to runaway after he returning to Hogwarts for sixth year but before he turns seventeen. He either ran away during Christmas or Easter break during fifth year or the summer before sixth year. But seeing he could have stayed at Hogwarts or just stayed at James’ (Harry never needed his guardians’ permissions to stay at Ron’s house during breaks), it’s more likely he ran away during the summer. And James grew up after fifth year but prior to dating Lily in seventh year. And Sirius running away could be part of the reason.

Also, Voldemort was on the rise (knowingly and not) while they were students at Hogwarts:

By the time that Remus was four years old, the amount of Dark magical activity across the country was increasing steadily. While few yet knew what lay behind the mounting attacks and sightings, Lord Voldemort’s first ascent to power was in progress and Death Eaters were recruiting all kinds of Dark creatures to join them in their quest to overthrow the Ministry of Magic. 

Eugenia Jenkins (1968-1975) Jenkins dealt competently with pure-blood riots during Squib Rights marches in the late sixties, but was soon confronted with the first rise of Lord Voldemort. Jenkins was soon ousted from office as inadequate to the challenge.

So Voldemort was known to be on the rise at latest late in their fourth year or early in their fifth year (between January 1975–fourth year–to December 1975–their fifth year). 

If the roles were reverse:

If Lily and James switched roles no one would say Lily changed for James, Meaning if Lily was the bully who hated the Dark Arts and taunted James’ non-popular Dark Arts obsessed friend who hated Lily and followed her and her friends around to get them in trouble and fancied James, and James was the mature one who stood by that friend no matter what his other friends said until that friend called him a slur because Lily was humiliating them and made James realize (after years of denial) what that friend was becoming. If James rejected her because he didn’t like how they hexed people and acted like they owned the place. If James was the one who ‘hated’ Lily, then Lily changed and stopped hexing people (except for the ex-friend who also hexed her) no one would say Lily changed for James.

No there would be an uproar about how a woman doesn’t have to/shouldn’t change for a guy to like her. And people would say Lily didn’t change for James but grew up for the war and her friend who ran away from a family who believed in pureblood mania. Which is what likely happened in James’ case.

Why it Matters:

It matters because (as far as canon goes) James did not change for Lily. By saying James changed for Lily, you’re implying that he changed specifically for someone to like him. You’re diminishing his character; James fancied Lily (he wasn’t in love with her as far as we know, prior to dating her), and at the age of fifteen/sixteen he was an idiot and a bully. But you know what, a lot of teenagers are (not that that makes it okay), I was a victim of bullying for several years by various people, and I witnessed some of those people grow up and become nicer people than when the younger version of me knew them. You know why? Because people grow up. Are you the same person at the age of seventeen that you were at fifteen, at eleven? Likely not, because we go through experiences that change us and make us grow up. There was a war and people dying, they wouldn’t have stayed the same people. 

Harry at eleven befriends people others wouldn’t (Hermione “know-it-all” Granger, and Ron “Poor Pureblood” Weasley) and makes a rival.

James at eleven befriends people others wouldn’t (Remus “werewolf-but-just-says-his-mum-is-sick” Lupin, Sirius “I-come-from-a-pureblood-family-that-believes-in-pureblood-mania-and-are-always-in-Slytherin” Black–also keep in mind that James hated Slytherin yet continued chatting well with Sirius despite knowing his whole family was from Slytherin, and Peter “I-look-like-a-nobody-and-people-overlook-me” Pettigrew) and makes a rival.

Harry at twelve gets annoyed with a fanboy of his following him. Saves Ginny Weasley.

James at twelve finds out his friend is a werewolf and continues to be his friend and tries to find a way to help him (along with Peter and Sirius).

Harry at thirteen Harry uses his invisibility cloak to throw mud at Malfoy for taunting Ron about being poor and for Hagrid. Spends most of it (along with Ron) mad at Hermione. Time travels to save Sirius and Buckbeak. 

James at thirteen, tries to become an animagus (along with Peter and Sirius).

Harry at fourteen gets jealous and avoids using Cedric’s advice as long as possible because they fancied the same girl–which would have come back to bite Harry in the arse if it hadn’t been for Dobby. Saves Fleur’s little sister along with Ron (and waited until Cedric and Krum had already rescued Cho and Hermione respectively before taking them up) even though it wasn’t his responsibility. 

James at fourteen, tries to become an animagus (along with Peter and Sirius).

Harry at fifteen attempts to use “Crucio” after his godfather dies and is constantly going through teen angst. Tries to save his godfather and stands up to authority no matter what it cost him.

James at fifteen saves a guy that he hates (Snape) and had been following him and his friends around in hopes of getting them expelled from a werewolf (after his other friend told him where to go, but it was partly Snape’s fault for going even when he already suspected Remus of being a werewolf). Became an animagus (along with Sirius and Peter) to help Remus. May have used an illegal hex (along with Sirius) on Bertram Aubrey–I say “may” in terms of James’ age, since we don’t know how old he was when it happened. Fancies Lily Evans. May have made the Marauder’s Map along with Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot–again, I say “may” in terms of his age.

Harry at sixteen, has to handle his godfather’s death. Used sectumsempra on Draco not knowing what the spell did only that it was “for enemies.” Saves his mate's life. Fancies and later starts dating Ginny Weasley, and then breaks up with her for a noble reason. 

James at sixteen, was a bully (I’m talking about the SWM scene, since it happens when he’s in fifth year, but he’d be sixteen at that point in time). Takes in his best friend who ran away from home. Began to deflate his head. 

Harry at seventeen, used Crucio and Imperio. Lost more of his friends. Sacrificed himself for the wizarding world.

James at seventeen, became Head Boy. Began dating Lily Evans. Had his head deflated. Still hexed Severus Snape (who hexed him as well).

Also note that I wasn’t going to explain everything good and bad James and Harry did at their different ages because respectively we don’t know everything about one of them in canon and it would be too long if I wrote everything good and bad the other did.

At any age we do things we regret and things we don’t. Do you think James or Lily would have used Dark Spells? No. Yet Harry does. Younger Harry wouldn’t have even considered it, but older Harry didn’t feel like he had a choice if he was going to save the world (he uses Crucio on one of the Carrow siblings after they spat in McGonagall’s face and Imperio in Gringotts on one of the goblins when they were close to losing their covers–as Hermione was disguised as Bellatrix). 

Back to James, by saying he changes for Lily you diminish the character he became. Sure it’s a romantic thought (although, I’ve always found it annoying in books), but you’re giving Lily too much credit and power over James. And it sends the wrong message of ”change for someone and they’ll fall in love with you” rather than “be yourself, whoever doesn’t like you is obviously not the right person for you.” You may ask: but he changed (grew up), so did Lily not really love him (or a variant)? Yes and no, yes he changed (grew up), but not for her. I’m not saying he didn’t take Lily’s comment to heart, but changing for someone and changing because you realize you don’t want to be a certain kind of person is different. Lily didn’t like the former James because of his former ill-behaved mannerisms, but he grew up and realized he likely didn’t want to be this person and again there was a war. He stopped being arrogant all the time (but he was likely still a bit arrogant, he’s James Potter) and acted more mature but kept a playful and loving manner–even if he still hexed Severus Snape who hexed him as well. 

James Potter didn’t change for Lily Evans to love him. 

Citations:

Rowling, JK. "Remus Lupin.” Pottermore. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 June 2017. <https://www.pottermore.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin>.

Rowling, JK. “Ministers for Magic.” Pottermore. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 June 2017. <https://www.pottermore.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/ministers-for-magic>.

Rowling, JK. “The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. New York: Scholastic, 2013. 111 . Print.

Rowling, JK. “Career Advice.” Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. New York: Scholastic, 2013. 670-71. Print.

Worth It - Epilogue

When Spot woke up his head ached a little less and he had vague memories of a church and lots of people looking at him and a taxi, but now things were a little muddled.  His first thought was that he was still alone, because Race wasn’t there beside him and his room still felt far too empty. But then the guy he’d been in love with for as long as he could remember was leaning against the door jamb, sipping one cup of coffee and holding another. There was a smile on his face that was something between amusement and affection, and Spot could tell there was a story he needed to hear.

“What did I…?” he tried, rubbing sleep from his eyes and accepting the coffee he was offered.

Race grinned. He sat on the bed beside Spot and brushed a thumb over his cheek. If there had ever been any doubt he was in love with this boy, the stunt he’d pulled at the church that morning had entirely confirmed it.

“You scripted yourself a pretty cliché rom-com, is what you did,” he teased.

When he’d gotten Spot back from the church he was still in pretty bad shape and staggering to his bed and falling onto it face first was the only thing he could manage. So Race had tucked him in and hidden all unfinished bottles of alcohol in the apartment under the sink, because Spot was clearly in bad shape and booze was only going to make it worse. And then he made himself at home because there were elderly relatives staying over at his own apartment for the wedding and he was not going back there. It was only a couple of hours before Spot came to again.

Seeing Race in the remnants of his tux; tie and jacket gone, top buttons undone and sleeves rolled up; it brought some of the hazy memories into focus. A very angry, short Italian lady glaring at him was a particularly prominent one.

"Shit. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make a scene,” he groaned, hiding his face in his pillow.

"So you just wanted to crash my wedding quietly,” Race asked, smirking a little. He knew he should probably feel worse about what had happened but Emily hadn’t looked too upset and she’d had plenty of friends around her, and the thought of the wedding had been making him miserable for weeks. This was for the best.

"Well sort of, yes,” Spot admitted. He’d much have preferred not to arrive so late, but he’d take stopping the wedding later over never stopping it. And he was pretty sure he’d stopped it but he couldn’t be sure.

"You’re not… I mean you didn’t…?” he asked tentatively. 

His brain was still trying to align what had happened and he just needed to be certain. Race grinned and held up his left hand, his ring finger bare. Spot would have said there was no sight he preferred more, but he knew he wouldn’t be complaining about Race having a wedding ring if it was him that had put it there. But that was a consideration for another time. Right now Race wasn’t married to Emily and that was enough.

“Thank fuck,” he sighed, slumping back against the pillow. His head ached and he wanted to sleep for at least a week; Race was here and that meant Spot didn’t have to worry about anything anymore.

Race just laughed. "You’re lucky Emily is so understanding.”

Not that he would have married her even if she wasn’t so nice about it, but it was far better to know he hadn’t broken someone’s heart in the process of ending up with the person he really loved.

Spot sensed that he should actually be putting full attention onto this conversation, shuffling up to sit opposite Race and blowing him an only half-sarcastic kiss when he was handed two aspirins from Race’s pocket.

“You talk to her?” he asked, chasing the pills with a mouthful of coffee. Although it didn’t seem like there was enough caffeine in the world to get rid of the pain in his head.

Race shrugged. He wasn’t sure quite what to say to the girl he’d left at the altar other than ‘I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life all because I ruined what should have been the best day of yours.’

“Nah, not yet,” he admitted. “Wanted to give everyone some time to cool off. My phone is off.”

It had started ringing and buzzing with text messages as soon as he’d walked out of that church and he didn’t want to deal with any of it. Not the angry messages from his mother or the concerned voicemails from Crutchie and Davey or the text from Jack that just read ??? It would all be so much easier 24 hours later when fewer of the messages from his family involved death threats over how much the wedding had cost.

Spot reached out and took Race’s hand, twining their fingers together and loving how good it felt. They’d never done any of this lovey-dovey crap before, but now he didn’t know what else he should be doing. He wanted to kiss Race. He wanted to kiss and touch and whisper over and over again about how he was an idiot for not admitting he’d had feelings years earlier, but he couldn’t quite see straight and he didn’t want to dive into a relationship he didn’t fully feel qualified to be in when he didn’t have all his mental functions. It was going to be a steep learning curve but it could start off a little more gradually.

“I feel like shit,” he said, a small smile on his lips.

"Well you also look like shit,” Race pointed out, kissing Spot’s cheek. His eyes were still red and swollen from three days of tears he’d never admit to, he desperately needed to shower and shave, and his hair was a mess. Race loved him, but Spot had definitely looked better. “When was the last time you showered?” he asked.

Spot looked down at his hands awkwardly.

“Four days ago?” he suggested, unsure. Definitely the three days after he’d left Race for what he’d thought was the last time, plus maybe one day before that. He’d spent much of those three days curled up in bed, eating ice cream and drinking beer, then wine coolers, then vodka.

Race shook his head fondly. As soon as Spot could stand on his own he was going to make him take a shower. For the sake of everyone in Spot’s apartment building.

“And slept?” he pushed.

Spot pulled a face. “Last night, thank you very much,” he said proudly.

Shaking his head, Race got serious.

"I said slept, not had an alcohol induced coma. Fuck, how much did you drink, Spot?” He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t a little worried. There had been so many empty bottles around Spot’s apartment that he’d filled a whole bin bag with them alone.

“I don’t know. Count the bottles,” Spot suggested, slightly bitter. Race hadn’t been there and the vodka had, so sue him. But then Spot looked around the room to realise that all of the rubbish that had been there that morning was gone. He turned to Race incredulously. "Did you clean?” he asked, touched. Being looked after by his boyfriend was halfway up the relationship learning curve and he didn’t know if he was ready for it, but he didn’t want it to stop.

Shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal, Race mumbled a vague attempt at a response. “Had to do something whilst you napped, didn’t I.”

“Thanks,” Spot whispered, squeezing Race’s hand.

Race just nodded. Then he brushed Spot’s hair back behind his ear – and why hadn’t he been doing that for the past six years because it felt so sweet.

"You were a mess, Spot,” he said seriously. Whilst he definitely wanted to be in this relationship, he didn’t want to think Spot was going to fall apart if they ever broke up. They’d been bad at the whole no emotions thing but that didn’t mean they were automatically going to be good at them either. Maybe they couldn’t do a middle ground: it was either too much or too little.

But Spot wasn’t having any of it. He wasn’t good at emotions and he didn’t know how to deal with what he felt for Race but in their specific situation? He couldn’t name a single aspect of how he reacted as being uncalled for.

"The man I loved was marrying someone who wasn’t me. What did you expect?” he challenged, pretending there weren’t tears in the corners of his eyes. Crying came way further up the relationship learning curve.

Race let out a choked laugh. “Dork,” he managed, holding back his own tears. Spot had never been so forthright about being in love, even that morning at the wedding, and it might be his new favourite thing.

Sensing they were having a cute romantic moment, Spot tried to help.

"Kiss me?” he asked quietly.

Smiling and leaning in, Race pretended to go along with it. Then he stopped a couple of inches away from Spot’s lips and shook his head.

"Shower first,” he ordered. As much as he liked the kissing plan, the shower plan sounded far better coming first. When Spot pouted and went to complain, Race came up with a plan: "I’ll keep you company,” he suggested, winking. And that was something Spot could definitely get on board with.

Ring Around a Rosy: Part Two

~ Requested (Arranged marriage/best friends AU - Kim Seokjin) 1 2 3 4 5

One of the things you liked most about Jin was that he didn’t hold grudges. The next morning you followed your nose into the kitchen where he had already prepared a Korean cabbage pancake with some sticky rice and egg dumplings. He had been cooking for royalty ever since he had moved in. “Oh my word, you’re such an asset to have around.” He chuckled and finished washing up the dishes - again - before sitting opposite you at the table.  “You look like a panda today.” You grunted and took a mouthful of the breakfast he had prepared. It was true that you had been so drained from everything last night that you had crawled into bed without removing your makeup, and had woken up in the middle of the night for several long, thoughtful hours. Today wasn’t going to be your best. “Full day?” You nodded in exhaustion, chewing slowly on a slice of the pancake.  “I don’t think I’ll be home by dinner time.” “That makes two of us.” The time paused momentarily as your sleepy brain recalled the fact that he was working the evening shift. That probably meant that you might be lucky to give a passing wave in the hallway later that night. You finished off the pancake in satisfaction, shifting your plate to the side to drag the bowl of rice and dumplings closer. Thanks to Jin you were quite proficient with chopsticks now. When you had first tried he had laughed his head off for weeks, but since then you had been receiving compliments here and there regarding your skill. As for him, he carried his around wherever he went. Just in case.  “Are you finished?” You asked him as soon as he was done so that he didn't go and do your share of dishes again. “Thanks.” The sun was shining very brightly through the large kitchen window as you rinsed and neatly stacked the dishes into the dishwasher. Gazing outside, you admired the sparkling wet grass and lively birds fluttering to and fro singing their morning chorus. There was something very pleasant about the early hours. Unfortunately there wasn't often time to fully take it in.  “Hot drink?” “Nah,” you shook your head, shutting the dishwasher and going to dry your hands. “I should probably go wake up in the shower.” Jin patted the nest of hair on top of your head with an amused smile. “Don't forget to wash under the eyes,” he gestured underneath his own, reminding you of the smeared makeup. “Very funny.” He chuckled as you moved off to go and get ready. As much as you loved the atmosphere of the mornings, it really wasn't your best time of day. Jin's chirpiness went over you in tired waves. As you stripped down and waited for the water to heat up, you stared at yourself in the mirror and sighed. You really did look like a drug addict or something. The outside of you was an accurate representation of how you felt inside. Exhausted, beaten, numb. Jin's question last night wasn't the first time he had alluded to the fact that you two weren't really a married couple. He'd been bringing it up a lot more lately and the stress of it was slowly pulling you further and further down. He was your best friend and of course you wanted him to be happy. But to be his wife? You shivered, frightened by how terrible you looked in the mirror. That was just something you couldn't give him. You valued him too much and couldn't bear the thought of losing him. True love. Sharp tears pricked the corners of your eyes. You shoved them back angrily. The only “true” love you had ever seen had ended fourteen years ago. Your “family forever” had been a family no more. That was exactly why you could never do that to Jin. Blindly run through the honeymoon years with him, only to turn into a different person and sign him away forever with your name at the end of it. You wanted to be around him always. Finally stepping into the shower, you pulled the shower curtain across and then froze as a stab of pain struck your chest. Great. More stress symptoms. You clenched your teeth and reached for the shampoo. It didn't make sense. Jin had agreed with you that you should simply remain friends even as a legally married couple. His parents had done it and had been happy for it. Obviously they had taken it a little further what with having children… but you and Jin would never have to go there. You swore as some of the shampoo got into your eyes. “Ahhh it always does this when I'm in a bloody hurry!!” “Y/N? You alright in there?” Jin asked through the door. You cursed under your breath again as it slowly washed out of your eye. “Yeah, just the old shampoo in the eye trick again.” His muffled laugh came from underneath the door. “Don't do the slip one as well.” “I'll make sure of it.” You heard him move away and sighed again. Perhaps you were being very naive. As much as Jin said he was happy being friends, he was a man and eventually he'd start looking for something more. Your chest cramped up again as you clutched at it. He'd already started looking. Worse yet. He didn't have to look far… you were right there, in his home, his wife. He wanted the lovey dovey crap you had always verbally abused together. And you didn't. You couldn't, would never be able to, would despise the day you did.. “Oh Jin,” you whined underneath the water, letting it run down over your face. “What have I done to you?” The sound of his happy whistling further made you more miserable. -------------------------------- “Y/Nieeee…” You maintained a poker face as Jin complained about how boring you were. His tricks were too obvious and you were not falling again. “Yah! We should go and make fudge brownies!” “I don't cook,” you responded in a monotone voice - eyes never leaving your book. “It's not cooking, it's baking.” “I don't bake.” He groaned and flopped back into the couch, tapping it with his fingers. With inconvenient work times you had barely seen each all week and he was clearly socially deprived. Personally all you felt like doing was curling up and reading. Maybe it was a bit mean… but it was so damn annoying that you had to give up your downtime. Because of your hesitation in stopping to give him attention, you never managed to shut the book. “Then I will go and make fudge brownies on my own and eat it all.” No response. Jin pouted and leaned over to poke your cheek. “Is the book really that good?” “Are you serious?” You exclaimed, shutting it loudly and tossing it onto the other chair. “Happy?” His mouth cracked into a smile, barely closing in his laugh. “You look like an angry kitten.” You hissed at him, causing him to laugh properly. His laugh was the type which was impossible not to laugh along with, and so your angry act was broken. “Should we really make fudge brownies?” He asked again. “You can, I'll keep you company and lick the bowl.” He smiled at you softly. “Deal.” Following him into the kitchen, you lazily peered into the fridge and pulled out the bottle of juice to pour a glass for you both. He was busy pulling out ingredients and utensils already. You twisted the cap back onto the bottle, hand on the fridge door to put it back away when your eye spotted a notice stuck on with a magnet. “Um, weren't you going to this?” Jin looked over at you, coming to read it over your shoulder when you didn't enlighten him further. “Crap!” He stepped back and fumbled around with his apron in a fluster, ultimately achieving nothing. “You going?” He ran his hand through his hair in stress. “I should. I mean, I promised. Would you kill me?” “Maybe afterwards, but for now you should go.” Jin nodded and bit his lip, glancing back at the just-begun brownies. “I'm really sorry.” You raised your leg and kicked his butt out of the kitchen. “Get going, you freak! It's already started!” He rushed down the corridor to get changed as you rested back against the fridge. Looked like you would get your leisurely evening to yourself after all. Honestly, you felt really sad that Jin wouldn't be there; annoyances and all. “You seen my good jeans lately?” He called down to you. “On the back of the chair in the dining room,” you responded. He ran back in and swiped them off, giving you a grateful look before hurrying back away. Jin returned a moment later. “Hey, why don't you come?” “To your friend’s birthday party?” You asked in a thick voice. “As your wife?” You were surprised by how compassionate his eyes appeared right then. “As my best friend. Please?” The clock in the dining room suddenly seemed three times as loud. Your heart beat along with it. “But I wasn't invited…” “It said ‘bring a guest’. So - I invite you.” A smile tugged at your lips. A strange feeling passed through your veins. An excitement. “Okay.” Seokjin grinned and gestured for you to hurry up. A few minutes later you jumped into the car together and reversed out onto the quiet street. You typed the address into your phone for directions; Jin’s friend having moved house recently. “He's only a few minutes away.” “Good.” “So which one was this friend?” “Hoseok. The super happy one.” “Oh yeah. He's cool.” “He's awesome,” Jin corrected. You grinned and focused back on the directions. All of Jin's best friends had attended your wedding a couple of years ago but so far you hadn't had much of a chance to see them again since. Jin kept saying he was going to invite them over for dinner sometime but it just hadn't quite happened yet. “Next left,” you informed him. He followed your instructions until eventually pulling the car over at the correct place. “Looks pretty lively. You can hear them out here…” You commented as you got out of the car. “That's normal,” he chuckled. The noise increased as you walked up to the house together. It was actually quite nerve-wracking to be going to this with Jin; the fact being that you had hardly attended many social functions together since marrying. That kind of situation too easily set you up with having to confront the truth. Now that you were husband and wife, people would always see you as that before best friends. Swallowing back the nerves, you stepped inside with Jin. “Hyung!!!!” An excited yell instantly greeted you from the other side of the room. “You actually made it!”  The other five men and their partners stood up slowly as the first man who had yelled came over; Hoseok right behind him. “Good to see you again,” Jimin said in the middle of the hug - turning to you as Hoseok greeted Jin. “Y/N!!” His eyes widened in surprise but he seemed very happy to see you. He came in for a hug as if that was completely normal between people who only knew each other by association. “It's so great that you could come!!” You couldn't help but feel happy by his his warm response. A few seconds later you received another enthusiastic hug from Hoseok, and more as Jin's other friends all came over. Their partners eventually greeted you both also or introduced themselves, depending on whether or not they had had been around by the time of your wedding. “Whoa, full house,” Jin commented. It was clear that half of Hoseok’s family and numerous friends were also here. You started to feel a bit shy and out of place, but those insecurities were quickly wiped away as Taehyung caught your arm and pulled you over to an intense game of cards which Jungkook was apparently dominating. Needless to say, it was impossible to feel left out and sad around these guys. Your cheeks were cramping from so much laughter after several hours of games and jokes. “Aish, I think I need to head off for some shut eye pretty soon,” Namjoon remarked, hand fondly patting his pretty wife's knee beside him. The comment made you instinctively look over at Jin to see how he was in the way of ready to leave. He seemed thoroughly engrossed in a conversation with Hoseok’s older sister. A twinge of unidentified emotion filled you as he leaned in closer to her with keen eyes. You knew that expression. He was interested, and fair enough. She was gorgeous. But he was your husband. Surprised by your own feelings, you looked away and fiddled with your empty cup. Since when had you ever thought of him as your husband? “Hey Y/N, you and Jin should come on the walk with us next weekend. We're ferrying over to the island and walking up one of the mountain tracks.” “Yeah, that sounds really cool,” you smiled at Jimin. “We should take the cards and play at the top.” “Jungkook!” The group laughed. “The point is to see the view. No one goes to play cards.” “We'd be the first. I guess that means -” he smirked “- I'd be the first to ever win on the island.” Everyone else rolled their eyes while you laughed along with Jimin. He had the right to have such an ego. His card domination had extended throughout most of the night. “Right. We're off,” Yoongi and his girlfriend came over with a brief wave and made over towards the door. Jin's other friends slowly began to stand and amble in the same direction. You stood also; glancing back at him. A bitter taste formed in your mouth as you saw him still conversing elatedly with Hoseok’s sister. At least in her defense, she seemed to be enjoying the conversation but without a point of interest. Because she knew that he was married. Your stomach flopped over as the strange feelings continued. How did Jin view your marriage? If you blatantly refused for it to go in a romantic direction, weren't you practically sending him into the arms of a different woman? And what did that then mean? Your breath was caught as Jimin unexpectedly wrapped you in a hug and made you promise that you and Jin would get together with him soon. He waved and exited after Yoongi. Taehyung left soon afterwards, as did Namjoon and his wife. You were grateful to Jungkook who stayed a few minutes to chat with you so that you wouldn't be all alone. Eventually Hoseok came over with his loud and bubbly personality and squeezed you around the shoulders. “Ahhh it's so cool to have had you here!” He said genuinely. “I'm sorry that I didn't get to spend more time with you.” “Oh no, you had plenty of people to get around to see! I wouldn't have expected you to use that time with me.” He laughed, and squeezed you again before pulling away. “Anyway, it was really great that you could come. We can't let it get so long before we see each other again!” You smiled, still touched at how welcoming these people were. “We won't.” Hoseok looked over at Jin and his sister; the only two people still talking. His other friends and family had long left, or had gone to bed in his spare rooms as they lived out of town. “Yah, Jin Hyung - the lady is waiting.” Seokjin and Hoseok’s sister looked up at the three of you standing in the doorway; seeming startled that everyone was waiting for them. They quickly hurried over. “Good to have you as always, man.” “Pretty noisy night, huh?” Hoseok’s sister spoke beside you, surprising you out of your eavesdropping. “Oh, yeah. Have to admit I was part of it, though.” “Your laugh is hilarious,” Jungkook piped up. Your little trio all laughed quietly, before Jin interrupted by coming to stand by your side; looking at you. “How’ve you been? Ready to go?” He asked with his eyes wide open. You nodded, shoving back the feelings of earlier. The stupid, illogical feelings. You hugged everyone once more and made your way back down the path with Jin. “Well. How was that?” He asked, buckling himself in and putting the keys in the ignition. “Good.” He paused briefly before starting up the car. “Really? You don't sound too enthused.” You tried to bite back the poisonous words. Really, really tried. “Where were you half the night?” You shot accusingly. He looked at you in surprise, turning out of the street. “I thought you were fine… Every time I went over to check up on you, you were laughing too hard to notice me there.” “But where were you?” He seemed confused by this conversation. Confused and nervous. “Talking to people…” “Which people?” “Y/N… I don't understand.” “I'm easily replaceable, aren't I? All you want right now is a girl who actually wants your affection, don't you?” “What?” He looked shocked; staring straight ahead as he drove. “Of course not, I married you for a reason.” “Yeah, to not bother with all of that ‘one soul’ crap while still getting the financial support and a permanent companion. But that's not what you want anymore.” Jin breathed heavily, not daring to look at you. He had known some type of confrontation would have to eventually happen, but he had had no idea that you had been feeling this way. It was highly confusing. Were you accusing him for going back on your promises, or angry that he had been interested in another woman? Did that mean that you were… jealous? “Y/N, I - I don't really care what we do so long as I get to be around you.” “Bullcrap. It's killing you, admit it. I get it, really. I was stupid for thinking you'd be immune to natural feelings.” He bit his lip.   “I wish we could be more, yes…” “We can't!” You yelled out immediately; breath loud and heavy. You rubbed your temples. “You know we can't.” Seokjin swallowed. “Your parents are not the entire world’s statistics, Y/N. There are plenty of -” “Don't you dare,” you interrupted, feeling the headaches beginning. “I'm confused,” Jin replied in frustration. “What do you want? Really, please. Just tell me. What do you want, Y/N?” You shut your eyes. “You already know. I want it exactly as it is.” “Really? Does this seem nice to you? We've been walking on eggshells for a while now. You're right. I'm going crazy, because unlike my parents who started out like us… we haven't progressed at all. Every time I suggest doing something, you shut me down immediately. I'm dying for some real, human love right now, and if you're going to deny me that right - how can you possibly expect me not to seek it from somewhere else?” You winced. Real human love… It hurt to hear that what you did give wasn't good enough for him. All of it hurt. “We were never supposed to progress,” you reminded him in a small voice. His tensed up body froze, and then shrunk up as he pulled into your driveway. Everything was silent as he switched off the car.  “I know,” Jin eventually admitted. “I always had this stupid thought that eventually you'd want the same thing and we'd grow into the marriage.” A cold feeling dripped down your spine. “Always?” He didn't respond for a moment. Then he nodded. You sat together in silence for several minutes before slowly gathering enough sanity to get out and go to your separate rooms. The night played around you as you lay awake on your bed until morning.    ------------------------------- Sorry it took me a lot longer than I anticipated. I lost inspiration and then I found it again but it took me way longer than I expected to write and I’ve been sick and injured in between there and UGH. Here it is :P. I ended it a little earlier than I first planned, but anyway I aim to have the final section up pretty soon. Enjoy your week, everyone. - Dolceice

30 (32) flirty (nah) and thriving (ehhh)

     It’s another weekend so here I am. 3 weeks in a row, Wow I'm impressed with myself.  So whats new with me you ask?  Well this isn’t really new, I’ve been on this “lifestyle” change since august but...it’s the keto diet. So my most honest answer would be “thinking about food, exercising, and obsessing over a scale” which my poor husband is 150% sick of I'm sure but at least I'm feeling better about myself ...which benefits him also. (Also huge shout out to ‘Adore Me’ lingerie, fantastic quality, no complaints.)

      Alright, so lets start this pity party... I’ve always been the fat kid, my whole life.  I met my best friends in kindergarten, her name was Kati and her little sister was Kelli, a year younger. I grew up with them, they were like my sisters.  Me and Kelli always used to be so jealous of Kati because she was so pretty and all the guys wanted her and nobody wanted us, we were tomboys, riding dirt bikes til dusk and living in umbros and t-shirts.  We thought maybe we were just too manly.  Then we hit 16 and here enters Kelli, beautiful as ever,  and here I am still fat and miserable. I’m sure my super emo stage i entered didn’t help at all, seeing as i chopped my hair off and wore nothing but studded belts, band tees and chucks, but the music man...the music <3. I felt i had to dress that way or I’d get labeled as a poser, soooo that’s what i did.

    Never in my life have I felt like the pretty girl,  I was always just trying to be comparable to them and I never was.  Then I got my first boyfriend, senior year,  at 17 years old.  I was around 160 lbs when we met,  dated him for almost a year, he told me “you look like you’re gaining weight” (which i was, probably about 175ish) then dumped me a month later.  I assumed it was because I was fat so…I stopped eating.  Starved myself and ran every day, threw up what I did eat which was less than 500 calories.  Got a new boyfriend, he loved me regardless, never ever would have commented anything about my weight, hated when i complained about it, always assured me I was perfect.  Old boyfriend tried so hard to get me back, for years…I wanted to give him a second chance so badly but couldn’t because I always thought it was just because I lost the weight, not because he genuinely cared.  And new boyfriend would literally have done anything for me.  I struggled with this eating disorder for the next 4 years.

     I got down to 125 lbs and still felt fat, a size 2. My mom said she could snap my collar bone if she touched it.  Moved to North Carolina, got real comfortable with boyfriend and got back to normal weight of 145. Breakup with boyfriend, move back to FL. Met Zack. Feeling super confident.  Kelli is getting married, you know, one of the 2 hot sisters.  She wants to get married in Vegas and wants me to take pictures and of course i say hell yeah! I’m like 155 at this point and felt pretty cute thanks to Zack’s constant reassurance but not compared to those two...or Vegas, where everyone is beautiful.  Enter most humiliating moment of my life :

    They wanted to go to some pool party at the Cosmopolitan but I knew there was an Andy Warhol exhibit at the Bellagio a few hotels over so I said I’ll see you guys later I’m going there, hoping they’d be done by the time i got back. So I went by myself, IT WAS AMAZING. I’m on cloud nine, nothing can break my mood. I’m walking back to the hotel, I call them to see where they’re at and they’re still at the pool party and tell me to go put on my bathing suit and come up. I am dreading this, so I put on my most full coverage suit and an all black coverup to slim myself as much as possible , walk up to some velvet rope after waiting in line 20 minutes and the bouncer straight up tells me “No.”.  I tell him my 2 friends are already in and they have a table and he continues to treat me like trash until I call the girls.  Kati comes walking up in her tiny bikini looking like a supermodel and basically pulls a“she's with us” and then he lets me right in. I swear I have never felt so awful about myself. He literally said without words “you aren’t skinny/pretty enough to come in”.  Kati then escorts me to a private cabana where her and Kel were, with Monster Energy models who were of course tiny and drop dead gorgeous, and had bottles upon bottles of Grey Goose at our disposal. I felt so weird. I felt I didn’t deserve to be there among all those beautiful people.  So anyway, that was Vegas.  I did have a good time though, when i was clothed. And did take some pretty badass wedding photos of them.

    So I said in my last post that I was going to post about happy things and not so much sad shit. Sooo how do i spin this positively you ask? Well, Zack. It’s always Zack.   He has told me everyday since the day we met how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.  I was 150 when we met, 135 at my lowest and 185 at my highest.  I’ve fluctuated 50 freaking lbs.  And how big was i when he proposed?? 185.  This guy really loves me, and shows and tells me every single day.  He may paw at me like an animal but I’m cool with it, I have never felt sexier.   So anyway, weight has always and will always be a struggle for me. But I’m dealing.  Keto is awesome, doesn’t work for everyone but it works for me. I started at 181 and I’m 162 today, 2 lbs from my wedding weight, hoping to get to 145 in the next 2 months, but not for anyone but myself.  Well, that’s all i got for ya.   Except... Get you a Zack, every girl needs a Zack.