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system-of-a-feather · 2 years

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was there a turning point for y'all? Like a specific moment in time?

(I ask cuz we had a experience like that- the old host and another core part in our system had a moment where we combined and then unfused- and that changed the entire game lol)

Honestly there are like probably like two points I'd mark as big dynamic shifting parts, but the first and most prominent from like "trying to murder eachother and take over the system with the other out of the picture" to like... trying to figure it out would probably be like... I think it was when we returned to school for either spring or winter quarter for the first time since I was around and well established as a frequent fronter or something. Memory is a bit of a haze.

But like for context, the main "me" at the time we call XIV 1.0 since I've fused since but I still primarily identify with that part - but XIV 1.0 was a very extreme perpetrator alter with a lot less breath than I have now for emotions and foresight than I do now (which says something since I am still emotionally restricted), but to keep things short I - at the time - only really felt emotions in the apathy to sadistic to annoyed and angry and I was 100% cool with that since - in my own words - "Annoyance and anger are my favorite emotions".

(TW: physical abuse)

That shit fueled my ability to basically beat our abusive father into not being abusive and allowed us to essentially take over our house, but when we were out of the house it just left this chronic and compulsive instinct to dominate, humiliate and fuck up any environment and system I was in then rebuild it my way, So like, my trauma perpetrator headass realized I was here, snickered, and went on a fucking multi month doing shitty asshole things both to the system and those around me cause its was funny and fun to me and the only real "positive" affect I was able to get.

(TW cleared)

Anyways, that started to turn around a bit cause despite me being a complete and utter asshole trying to garner negative attention Lucille and Ray (protector/caretaker, gatekeeper/protector respectively) actually maintained really patient, mature and best faith approach to me and were really honestly not actually giving me the fight back I lowkey was looking for. And at some point I think I did something slightly neutral or beneficial for the system, I forget exactly what, but I had put like one (1) grain of salt of doing something nice and those two actually were like, nice about it and proud of me and if I'm completely honest, I fucking got a taste of that positive attention and the sweetness of it all and was fucking hooked and wanting a second bite.

And so we ended up going back to university and I was like OK well I want another hit of positive attention cause "that shit is more potent than negative attention lol" and put like 3 seconds into trying to be helpful when Riku was immediately burnt out to which they essentially told me to fuck off since they already had too much and were stressed the fuck out without me being me and that became this huge implosion where to keep shit short I was like "Lol ok I tried being nice and you be like that fine if you want to be a shitty host that sucks at life Ill just fucking take over and shove you to hell" which was a great month or so.

But at a certain point Ray - being really tired of the two of us having gone on like this for half a year - sat us down and spelt it out clearly how we were both being fucking idiots in communication and gave us both some strict rules and guidelines for talking to one another since we had essentially both been triggering the shit out of eachother the whole time and thus sending us both into our respective trauma responses.

Honestly the following months after that are a bit hazy, which I guess is probably time wise around the time I fused unknowingly with another part, but combining that moment of actually realizing that positive attention was fucking good and addictive even if it was MUCH harder for me to get than negative attention and having a clear sit down over communication issues that plagued how we interacted with eachother really set the foundation for things to be better.

It took like another half year for us to be anything on somewhat "goodish" terms where we just kinda like, learned to tolerate eachother - and then another half year to actually figure out a rhythm, and then another half year to actually reach this really high level of synergy we have - so it wasn't like a sharp turning point, but it is probably the most key one since it set the foundation.

-XIV

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Yeah I'd probably agree with XIV as that probably being the first time cause once I started using Ray's advice on how to not set XIV 1.0 off I found him stressing me out SIGNIFICANTLY less since I was triggering him less. Gaining some frame work in how to like actually break the cycle of him stressing me out, me pushing him away and setting him off because I'm stressed, him getting mad and doing shit out of spite and revenge, me getting stressed, over and over was like UBER helpful for like actualy changing the pacing of shit XD

Also its less a clear "turning" point overall for us, but sometime after we started trying to somewhat work together (it wasn't going the best) we were having a really big Trauma Time issue cause the other subsystem of a part that was big Trauma Holder had everyone really stressed and flooded - and I had managed to get things seemingly under control until XIV was kinda blindsided by the brain going back on Its Shit and had a relapse in his Wing Chun class (at the time his coping and happy place)

And for some reason, despite it really stressing me out like intensely cause I was caught off guard and had assumed we were in the clear and was REALLY stressed that out of nowhere the asshat went back on his shit, in the midst of the confusion and stress it had occurred to me that like... dude had a trauma response and while I was stressed about having to deal with it and the emotional toll of being thrown right back into instability, that like he was the one who ACTUALLY was experiencing the shit.

And it really clicked in my brain at a certain point that I was like ah wait. He's not really a parasite invading but just another guy like the rest of us who is traumatized and - like everyone else in this system - is very used to and adept to having to deal with our issues by ourselves and function and cope independently with the little we had. And then I sat there and I was like okay yes this is super stressful and inconvenient for me, but I'm not the one who just got super triggered in the place they are supposed to be the least triggered and I'm not the one self isolating as a result so even if I am stressed to hell and back and in shock, I really should be a change in history for him here and you know, check in with the little spoons I had.

I kinda realized neither of us really ever had anyone other than our "brain parents" (not even actual parents but we call them that cause theyre heavily parental) and ESPECIALLY not in a time when we have been factually inconvenient, stressful, and acting out, and I kinda realized at that point that I really didn't want to continue that here. I knew how shitty it was to be stuck by yourself dealing with crap, even if you are used to it and expect it and I really didn't want to do that anymore.

And so when I reached out it was met with a heavy "bro thats gay Im fine lol I can handle myself" as expected, but there was a genuine sense of appreciation and honestly being able to be there when I didn't *have* to be was also just a very warm and bonding moment and like... I just kinda decided I was really really done having a me vs him dynamic even if I was being put on the defensive because I really didn't benefit from that bad blood and nor did he.

I found that I really liked being their for him and that it felt really comforting to be able to provide another part of myself with the unconditional support that none of us ever got - even if I wasn't the one receiving it, and after a few months of me keeping that he started also picking up a similar mentality and it was being reciprocated and once we were both heavily reciprocating that dedicated unconditional familial love like.... there was literally no stopping us XD

I really started to find from that point onwards that I REALLY liked giving parts in our system unconditional love - XIV in particular since it was heavily reciprocated at a certain point - and not only was that really healing for the system but also for me to just really genuinely enjoy that kind of self love.

Cause at a certain point, I stopped trusting, meeting needs, listening to and doing things for XIV because I "wanted to have good blood with him" or because I wanted him "to calm down and be better" but just because I knew that he was doing what he was doing for a reason and because I really wasn't going to choose anyone or anything over him because he's me and, more than anyone, I can always rely on him to have my back because we SHARE THE SAME BODY AND BRAIN AND LIFE

And so I really realized that if XIV is upset about something, even if its something I really like, I am always always always going to take that serious and into consideration because nothing is more important than the relationship and dynamic I have with my literal factual other half. I've cut off a lot of friends the past few months due to XIV having issues with them and/or finding them problemtic and not good for us, some really long term close friends among that and honestly, none of those decisions I regret. They really helped us prioritize our needs and our system over other things, and had REALLY heavily reinforced the care and dedication the two of us have towards one another.

So am I a bit sad to have lost friends I had little issue with? A bit. Do I regret it? Not at all. We've grown SO much as a system since establishing this dynamic and this unconditional reciprocated complete loyalty to one another that the drifting of previously close friendships as we develop as a person is a very very small price to pay.

So ride of die man. If I can't be happy WITH XIV, then good god are we going to go down trying. No future image that doesn't accommodate BOTH of us is worth it. And since I'm good with (to a fault) of looking ahead and planning where we are going in life, I have very little issue worrying about not being able to find that. Every aspect that I think that is important to "my happy life" is second to "suits all parts" but if I'm honest currently its "suits XIV and I and I'm working on making it extend to all parts but I'm human".

But like... literally would drop almost any aspect of my perfect future should it be necessary to make sure we are both on track to living a life that makes us both happy. If it only serves me and is a detriment to another part, then its simply not worth it. And that honest to god mentality has carried me fucking far ngl.

-Riku

#recovery #alter: riku #alter: xiv #ask #asks #system dynamics #co-host #persecutor #persecutor alter #persecutor recovery #persecutor since XIV is back there scoffing at the term XD #riku squared #did #actuallydid

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