Someone suggested we should revive the tradition of telling ghost stories at Christmas and I thought that sounded fun, so here's my (not very creatively titled) contribution.
A Christmas Ghost Story
Mama moved to the little white cottage at the edge of a derelict lemon grove about twenty years ago, trading dust and howling coyotes for a fresh breeze and sea lions barking in the distance. She learned as a child how to pull cholla from the dog’s long hair and to read every constellation in the immense, pitch black sky as easily as neon signs. She grew up taciturn, her words sparse and sharp like the desert flora she loved. To this day, the scent of creosote still clings faintly to her skin, or maybe it just seems that way.
I’ve never quite understood what happened to make her suddenly pull up the stakes and land in this mild world, never far from the laughter of gulls or waves crashing against the sand.
I lived there, too, though I don’t remember it well. I was born on the winter solstice in the crowded emergency room of the only hospital for a hundred miles.
“Dropped you right on the floor like a loaf of bread,” Mama laughs.
She loves to tell me about the time she looked through the kitchen window and saw me in the garden, wearing diapers, tiny cowboy boots, and a tie-dye t-shirt, pulling up a carrot to feed a wild burro.
“I wish I remembered that,” I say each time.
“You were so little, I’m not surprised you don’t,” she replies.
My only memory of that place is the lonely owl calling for a mate through long winter nights, and the time I looked out to see its inscrutable face staring at me from the low sycamore branch outside my window. It hooted in surprise and flew away on soft, silent wings.
I also can’t even remember the last time Mama slept through the night. I first noticed her insomnia when I awoke from a deep, dreamless sleep to her crying into her hands at the foot of my bed, the mattress creaking with each heave of her chest.
“Mama?”
“Nicole!”
Her face radiated shock. She looked around the room, filled with carefully labeled unopened boxes, and felt for my face on the pillow.
“Nicole? Baby, I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
“That’s OK Mama, I wasn’t tired anyhow.”
I threw my arms around her until her sorrow was spent and she collapsed into sleep by my side.
The next night, wailing from the kitchen woke me. I glided barefoot down the hallway to the kitchen doorway. Mama spun around to face me, screamed, and dropped the glass of water she had just filled into the sink.
“Nicky, don’t sneak up on me like that!”
I’d never seen her so rattled, and after that, left her to comfort herself. She went to work in the day, unpacked boxes in the evening, and most nights wandered forlornly around the house while I listened to her muffled footsteps and moans from my bed. Her life settled into a rhythm. She planted flowers and tended a few of the spindly lemon trees. On days when she swam in the surf, Mama returned smelling of citrus and kelp.
I think, after a time, she was happy enough because she began coming into my room sometimes when she couldn’t sleep, telling me stories of her childhood or poring over a photo album where she holds me, wrapped tightly in a blue and pink blanket, triumphantly on a hospital bed, or kisses me on the cheek on my first day of school. We laugh at the one where I’m barking back at the dog, and she caresses my chubby little baby legs in a bathtub photo. I always want her to tell me about the picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap, but she turns the page so fast I only catch a glimpse. I enfold her in my love, sure that nothing can breach such a formidable barrier, but her eyes are always hollow.
She baked me beautiful birthday cakes, fluffy pink frosting and sprinkles giving way to smooth ganache or fondant as the years passed. When I tired of my window’s unicorn and rainbow curtains, Mama redid my whole bedroom in sophisticated shades of blue and green, and replaced my wardrobe with the latest fashions.
At the heart of our domestic bliss, however, lay the mysterious sadness that tinged Mama’s speech and forced careful, measured movements from her always-tired limbs, as if the weight of even so slight a body as hers was more than she could bear. Something heavy flattened happiness and unhappiness alike and she trudged deliberately through her days.
“What’s wrong, Mama?” I would ask. She met my longing gaze with her own, then turned her head away.
Christmas came especially hard for her, and frequent calls from her sister only made her more despondent.
“Justine, you need to do something good for yourself. If you can’t make it for Christmas, please come visit for New Year’s. It’s been ages since I’ve seen you,” Aunt Susan implored over voicemail. “I love you and am here if you need me.”
We decorated a tree each year and Mama sang carols as she mopped the floor or baked cookies for her office but the closer we got to Christmas the quieter she became and she spent most nights curled up in her bed alone as soon as it got dark.
For some reason, I never seem to remember Christmas. I can remember the weeks before but as the date gets closer, it’s like I fall into a void within myself sometime around Christmas Eve and remain there until Mama’s sobbing drags me back and life goes on as usual.
“I would so love to see you, Justine, and it would be good for you to get away,” Aunt Susan said yesterday over the phone. Mama sighed and looked me up and down, as if noticing for the first time how adult I had become.
“I’ll think about it,” she said.
We spent the night looking at the old photos and telling the old stories, and some new ones about our life in the cottage, and as the weak Christmas Eve day sun struggled over the mountains to the east, Mama took my hand and rose.
“Nicky, come. I want to show you something.”
We got into the car and blasted through a maze of freeways until the air became dry and sharp and ragged mountains rose pink and grey to our right. We turned onto a smaller highway, and finally, a single-lane road. It felt both new and as familiar as my room, an uneasy sensation that made me nervous.
Mama parked the car in front of a shady, grassy park. We entered and strolled through what turned out to be gravestones. Mama clutched my hand and strode toward a slab of pink granite on the far end of the field. Her pulse pounded in the vein of her neck and she swallowed back tears.
“It’s OK, Mama, I’m here,” I said bravely, squeezing her hand.
“Nicole, I need you to just watch and listen for a moment,” she whispered. “Look.”
Engraved on the stone in tidy Gothic font it said:
NICOLE SUSAN BRISCOE
DECEMBER 21, 1994 - DECEMBER 24, 2000
Beloved daughter, forever young
The tattered remains of several stuffed animals and plastic flowers sat at the base and glass candleholders with printed dates lay scattered over the grave: 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017. Fragments of broken glass hinted at even older candles.
Mama took a new candleholder and lighter from her purse. I saw a label with “2022” on it as the flame leaped onto the wick. I felt as if my guts were being torn out through my feet.
Mama cleared a space and set the candle down with the others, then faced me with both my hands in hers.
“Nicky, I need you to really listen this time. This is your home. I suppose it has been for 22 years.”
“I don’t understand, Mama!”
She smoothed the panic off my face with the back of her hand.
“We were coming home from the mall. You had sat for the first time on Santa’s lap and you were so scared at first! But he told you a joke and asked what you wanted for Christmas and when you smiled, that’s when the photographer took your picture. We had hot cocoa and started on the way home.”
I felt dizzy and had a sudden sensation of speed as images and sounds came back in a blur. Metal crunching. Pain. Oblivion. Then Mama sobbing on my bed.
“But we never made it. Or, rather, I eventually did but you did not. A drunk driver going the wrong way hit us head on. The airbag saved my life but not yours.”
I crumpled as if struck by lightning. Mama knelt and cradled my face in her hands.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I swerved but it was too late. I wish it had been me.”
I heard the most piteous wailing come out of my open mouth and could not make it stop.
“You are grown now, and have been for years,” Mama said gently. “It’s time for you to move on, and for me to move on too. This time, I’m begging you to please stay.”
We huddled on the grave, Mama stroking my hair and wiping away my tears, while the candle sputtered out and coyotes seranaded the twilight. I inhaled her scent, which was that of the desert itself, and pressed my ravaged face against her breast as lethargy seeped into me and my vision began to fade.
“This gets harder every year, Nicky,” Mama murmured. “I can’t do it anymore. You can't keep coming back."
She kissed my cheek but I barely felt it because my face was starting to dissolve.
“Mama! Help!” I shrieked, but she heard only agonized moans.
“I love you, Nicole. Goodbye,” Mama said as the earth absorbed me in a mist.
Mama dried her own tears and reached for her phone.
“Hi, Susan?” she said wearily. “Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?”
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