Chaos Theory | Michael Kinsella x Reader
Chapter 1: Secret New Beginnings
Masterlist ° Chapter List (Coming soon)
Pairing: Michael Kinsella x Reader (she/her)
Summary: Now that you and Michael are somewhat together, you have to navigate your relationship, but there is something hanging over you, untold secrets that keep you from fully trusting each other. But Michael finally feels safe around you and he cares, and you might just be falling for him, after all.
Warnings: Fluff, some angst, self-doubt, cussing, talk about sex and violence as well as murder
Word Count: 4.9k
A/n: SO I finally got the first chapter done, yay me! I struggled a little with the transition from Butterfly Effect to this, but I hope you like it anyway. See it as a kind of prologue to set the scene. It's my starting point for this series. I will be posting a list of Installments soon, I just need to make it look nice.
The butterfly effect is often used in context with chaos theory, but they don’t equal each other. The notion is that a seemingly insignificant event, like the flutter of a butterfly's wings, could set in motion a chain of events with far-reaching and unpredictable consequences.
In the aftermath of a shattered soul, Michael finds himself standing on the precipice that could perhaps lead to a new beginning. No, he is sure that the second chance he was given already set the new beginning in motion, and he owes that to you.
His past, as so often, blurs with his present. It’s tumultuous and it echoes deafeningly loud in his mind, but he can’t help but ponder the path of destiny that led him straight into the arms of a woman that has been looking the darkness inside of him straight into its poisonous eyes from the beginning, not once turning away.
His past decision had wings that flapped ever so slightly and caused the world around him to collapse. People got hurt. He, himself, got hurt in the process. In the blink of an eye, his life changed. He saw it coming, deep down. He’s been a Kinsella from the beginning and he knew that getting close to him would eventually lead to destruction for every kind soul that decided to have mercy on him. But he was naive, he became careless, he did his work and thought that was enough to keep his loved ones safe – he failed, and then, when he tried to get back up, he failed again and he paid the ultimate price.
But he has tasted the light. He caught a peak of what his life could look like, and for the first time in a long time, he feels the seeds of hope grow into a field of beautiful flowers in his chest. The sun came, shone its light into his life, and the rain met its rays just right to lay the foundation for a rainbow.
Michael wouldn’t consider himself happy, but he saw what could be and he thought to himself, “I have to at least try.” So that is what he promises himself to do, every day, as long as it takes for his life to find the right path again. He doesn’t know if there even is happiness in the cards for him, but he can try to fix what he broke, and he finally doesn’t feel alone in it anymore.
Chaos isn’t limited to the realms of science – it is an undeniable force that ripples through everyone’s existence. And for Michael, the bullet holes in his house and the gaping black void in his chest function as a stark reminder of the chaos that rippled through his existence eight years ago.
Each decision he makes can change the course of his life and those around him inevitably forever, and that is a huge burden to carry. Once you realize the effect even the smallest events can have, there is no turning back. Anxiety grows fast, faster than poison ivy, and it threatens to consume you whole.
You – you and him – made a silent promise to take the wheel before it would be too late, take the pen, rewrite your story, and find a way to make a happy ending happen for both of you. You are the one who convinced him to have a little faith, and you taught him that trying to be optimistic might just make life a little easier to deal with.
Michael doesn’t deserve you and yet, he has you.
The day he walked into the café looking for something familiar was the best day of his life, even though it was littered with gray clouds. Meeting you changed everything, and all it took was your conviction to sell him a cup of coffee that wouldn’t taste as simple as a double espresso and a gentle smile, and he was hooked.
The Butterfly Effect brought you together; it has a double meaning. For one, you work at a café with the same name as one of the effects that are born from chaos theory, and two, the day he met you, he is convinced your decision to write that note on his coffee cup was you flapping your wings and setting everything into motion – and now he’s lying in your bed with you by his side, the sun streaming in through the slit in the curtains, and he can’t believe his eyes as he gazes upon you.
Your features are peaceful. You are peaceful. You are his safe haven. He didn’t expect himself to get infatuated with another person so soon after escaping literal hell, but there is something so sweet and innocent about you, so normal, so serene, he couldn’t help himself. It’s what he craved without even knowing, and maybe it’s selfish to ignore the danger just for a little while, but he couldn’t hold back any longer – he needed you and now he has you. If it were that simple, he could rest, but deep down he knows that this is only the beginning, and not all new beginnings are always good. Some beginnings start perfectly fine and then they drop and lose themselves in darkness, and in the process, you fall with them. Deep down he knows that nothing is ever as it seems, not with the life he lives, his history, his past, and his family.
As he looks at your sleeping frame next to him, he wonders if you have secrets of your own. Well, maybe you have; it would be only human of you to do so. But then he thinks about your tendency to say yes to everything, to forgive and to give back so easily, always ready to please people, always on top of your game, and he begins to worry if there is a darkness in you he hasn’t quite caught yet. He realizes your story isn’t as clear as his. You only told him about your parents briefly, but that’s it. He considers you a breath of fresh air, but behind every bright smile often lies a deeper meaning.
Michael gets lost in thought, hoping no one seriously hurt you to make you the person you are now – you told him you fought hard to get where you are now, but what problems did you have to tackle in the past? He only then realizes that you are still a mystery to him. But he hasn’t told you everything either, so you both have parts of yourselves you are not ready to share yet, and perhaps that’s good the way it is.
You stir. His hazel eyes are still glued to you. You look so lovely like this. His lip curls up into a tired smile as he watches you come to life, your fists coming up to your eyes to rub them. You stretch, causing the covers to slip from your body just enough to catch a glimpse of the top of your breasts. You’re an ephemeral creature and he can’t believe he’s allowed to call you his now.
His lips press to your cheek. Your eyes are still not open, but you smile a little at the gesture. Slowly but steadily, his lips move lower. This is the second night he has stayed with you now, and he is addicted to you.
A soft gasp escapes your lips when he reaches your neck. His hand cups your jaw, the other keeping himself up as he comes closer. His beard tickles, scratching at your sensitive neck as he nips and kisses you everywhere he can reach, but his touch is gentle as if you’re glass in his eyes. His lips suction around your pulse point then, marking you to be his. The blood pools under the skin and it is quick to turn purple. He licks over it with a smirk; it isn’t the first and won’t be the last mark he will leave on your perfect skin that is softer than any silk he has felt before.
You wrap a sleepy arm around his shoulders. “Mhmm,” you mumble, a subtle sign that you’ve awoken from your slumber.
He smiles into your neck, giving the hickey another peck before lifting his head to look at you. “Mornin’,” he says.
You open an eye. “Morning,” you say.
He brushes a strand of hair out of your face before planting his lips on yours.
“How long were you staring at me for?”
“A while.”
“Why?”
“Yer just too gorgeous, pet.” His accent is thicker in the early hours of the morning, you’ve noted. “Besides, you look so peaceful when yer sleepin’. Makes me want ta squish your pretty face.”
A giggle slips past your lips. “That’s a bit extensive, don’t you think?” you tease.
He shakes his head. “Never.”
You open your eyes fully now and turn your body in his direction. “I could get used to this,” the admission comes in a quiet puff of air.
He tangles his fingers in your hair and only hums in response. He could get used to waking up next to you as well, but words fail him. You look like an Angel in the soft sunlight. He swears he can see a halo above your head, that’s how divine you are.
“What’s on your mind?” you ask him.
He blinks out of his daze and meets your eyes. “Nothin’ important,” he says.
“All of your thoughts are important to me.”
“Not those.”
You furrow your eyebrows, but you leave it be. Forcing him to talk is not something you want to start or you could ruin the trust that persists between you. He will hopefully come to you when he feels ready to talk, or if that ever happens.
With a peek at the clock, you notice that your alarm is about to ring. With a heavy sigh, you entangle yourself from him and sit up.
Michael pouts when your warmth leaves him, his fingers slipping from your hair and down your bare back. He brushes the skin there, tracing your moles and stroking down your spine. Goosebumps erupt on your skin and you pause your movements, reveling in the feeling of his calloused fingers painting gentle shapes over your heated skin.
“I have to get ready soon,” you say. It’s torture, almost, to have to leave him like this.
Michael in your bed, shirtless and with his brown locks standing in all directions is a sight to uphold. You want to capture this moment, brand it into your brain and never erase it again. You want his perfect lips to be etched into your skin, his fingers tattooed, his voice injected into your bloodstream – you’re not sure where this desire comes from, this need to be close to him at all times, you are just getting to know each other, but he makes it impossible to think straight. You get lost in his eyes, his soul, and the desperate need to protect him fills you up like an empty cup until it’s overflowing.
He’s not trying to sleep with you, you know that, he’s simply trying to keep you close a little while longer. He doesn’t want to face the day. He doesn’t want to be without you. You haven’t talked about how to navigate this, you just thought you would figure it out as you go, but there is sadness in his eyes when you look at him.
There is a beat of silence before he speaks, and his words deliver cracks to your heart. “I don’t want to go home,” he says, and his voice borders heavily on a breathless whisper.
You pick your shirt off the floor, slip it on, then turn around to face him. “I know,” you say just as quietly. “I would offer you to stay, but–“
“We haven’t reached tha’ level of trust yet?
Your silence serves as an answer to his question. Michael nods, understanding where you’re coming from, but part of him is still hurt. You trust him to a certain extent, but he has a dark past and there are things not yet resolved between you, things unsaid that haven’t been addressed, and until you’ve figured that out, you have to take baby steps in the direction you want the both of you to go.
“It’s okay,” he assures you when he sees the pained expression of guilt and regret flash across your face. “I have ta talk to my brother, to Amanda, about my job. I– I have ta think about Anna. Talk to my solicitor. I couldn’t stay even if I wanted.”
Part of that is a lie; he can easily talk to his attorney over the phone and he doesn’t feel like Amanda or Jimmy deserve even a tad bit of his attention, but he has responsibilities and he can’t ignore them forever. Besides, he has no money left and he has to find a way to get through that, too. Those are the things he can’t tell you because he feels so stupid like he would be a bad influence on you, and they are treacherous thoughts.
You take a deep breath. “Let’s go through your application tonight,” you offer, picking up on your idea from the day before.
The Butterfly Effect is understaffed to the point you sometimes have to work seven times a week instead of getting your day off like you did yesterday, but that’s not the only reason you suggested offering him a job. You told him that your boss gives everyone a second chance if they need one, especially those fresh out of prison who have nowhere to go because even the most minuscule changes can change the course of what happens next, of what happens in the future. It’s not just the name of the café, it is a metaphor, and everyone you work with is so vulnerable and human, you know Michael would feel a lot more comfortable there than having his family breathing down his neck all the time.
He didn’t tell you much, but you already don’t like them.
Michael thinks about your words, his chest heaving with a heavy sigh. He looks at the ceiling, his hand, then back at you. He nods. “Okay,” he says. “Yeah.”
“Hey–“ you lean over to press a kiss to his lips. “I care about you, you know that?”
His hand finds its way to the small of your back, eyes fluttering close as you come closer. “Mhm.” He leans in for another kiss. He knows you care. He can feel it in his bones. You care with utmost devotion, and he doesn’t understand what he did to deserve you.
“I’ll get you that job, and then I’ll help you get your daughter back. I don’t know her, but you sound like you love her and she should get the chance to reconnect with you. You’re not alone anymore, Mikey. You have me now, and I’m with you, every step of the way. I choose you.”
God knows your father failed with his duties to actually be one. In Michael’s case, it wasn’t voluntary that he left for so long and he deserves a second chance as much as Anna deserves a father.
“I choose you too,” he whispers. “And I can’t thank you enough…”
“Lucky for you that you don’t have to thank me. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay,” – you kiss him again before getting up – “I promise.” You flash him a smile as you make your way out of the bedroom, leaving him behind.
His hand drops to the mattress in defeat. He wants to spend forever in bed with you, wrapped in your cocoon, but he knows that’s not possible. So he lets you go.
You wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re in love, not yet, but you’re getting damn close to falling for him. It’s as terrifying as it is exciting, and maybe it’s a little nerve-wracking, too. You’ve never been truly in love, you never learned how to love, and yet Michael pushes you a little closer to the edge every day. You just have to make sure you’re attached to a parachute in case you plummet to your demise. In that case, there’s not much that can help you anymore, and you’re not sure if you’d survive it, either. But probably – highly likely – not.
You put his dirty clothes in the washer the day before and then hung them out to dry. You spent most of your day in your underwear with him, anyway. But now it’s time to leave and he has to get dressed into something. You don’t want to sound possessive, but this is a sight you want to reserve only for yourself.
You’re doing your makeup when he comes in to brush his teeth. You step aside to make some room for him in your small bathroom that’s meant for one person only, but you make it fit. He stands behind you, watching you through the mirror. You can tell he’s avoiding himself and only staring at you, and you can weirdly relate to that. Some days, or most days, actually, you can’t stand your reflection either. There was a time when it was exceptionally bad, but you don’t want to go into that. Your mind has been reeling enough, and it’s only morning.
The conversation and the revelations about Michael have lit something inside of you, a candle you had long believed to have gone out, and that candle sparked a wave of nostalgia that you can’t shake now. You are eerily similar when it comes to personality, except you have learned how to handle your burdens, and he hasn’t even begun. Still, there is a part of you that is and will always somehow remain stuck in the past. But you’re not ready to share that with him yet. You doubt you could share it with anyone but the demons in your head, which are luckily still sleeping and haven’t planned to attack and tear you down just yet.
“What’re you thinkin’ about?” he breaks the silence and the thread of your thoughts.
You look at him. “Just some things,” you say.
“Anything you might want ta talk about?”
“No,” you shake your head, “I’m okay.”
“Okay.” He leaves it at that, although his hand lands on your waist almost protectively.
Michael walks you to work. You insist he doesn’t have to, but he does so anyway. Taking his hand, he stiffens for a moment and you fear he might pull away, that this is too much for him, but then he squeezes your hand back and you realize he doesn’t mind.
You walk to the café in silence. The birds chirp in the trees around you. A soft breeze moves through the streets of Dublin. The sun is out, which is nice, and the temperatures are a little more bearable today. You watch as the leaf shakes in sync with the wind and the oxygen you breathe tastes clean.
“You can come in if you want,” you say when you reach it, “I can make you a nice Americano, maybe? Or I could introduce you to the world of caramel Frappucinos...”
Michael’s heart swells, but he shakes his head with a soft smile. “I’m good,” he says. “Thanks though.”
“You sure?” You step closer to cradle his cheek. “You look a little tired, darling. A good caramel Frappucino with extra strong espresso might help you come back to life.” You’re only half-joking.
He chuckles. “I’m gonna be okay, ya said that yerself. Don’t worry, love, I’ll survive without coffee.”
You purse your lips; it’s cute, the way you pout and expect him to change his mind. You don’t want him to leave, he suspects.
Now that you crossed all boundaries, had sex, and qualify as a couple now, there is nothing more you want than keep your routine. You have gotten used to turning his head with your coffee skills, and he seemed to always enjoy them. But things are different now, there is no denying the obvious. Things won’t go back to the way they were because your dynamic has changed.
“Okay,” you cave, “Well, call me if anything’s wrong or if you need me.”
“Yer at work, I wouldn’t want ta disturb you.”
“Just do it,” you give him a stern look, “and I’ll text when I’m off so you can come over and we can work on making sure your application fits our requirements.”
“I doubt tha’,” he says, “but I love how much you want ta try.” His smile is genuine, but somehow, his words remind you of what he said only a few days ago.
People would like you more if ya wouldn’t try so hard.
You swallow. He notices. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–”
“No, it’s okay,” you say.
People pleaser, a voice calls in your head. You can’t even admit that his kind words today hurt you almost the same as his cruel words did.
“Hey–” he pulls you closer by the waist. “When I said tha’, I didn’t mean it.”
Your forehead leans against his almost naturally and you breathe the same air as him. You can feel his heartbeat under where your hand touches his chest, searching for silent support, and his hands cradling your face offers more than that. He’s genuinely sorry. He didn’t mean it. If he had, you probably wouldn’t be able to stand with him here now. He opened old wounds, and he apologized. They’re not fully healed, not fully stitched up, but you can accept that.
“Your kind heart is special, and I hold it very dear to me,” Michael says.
You nod. You’re not a lie detector, but you can see in his eyes that he’s determined to mend what he did, especially now that he sees what an effect it had on you, and how much it still affects you. His words cut deeper than a knife ever could.
“Okay, thank you,” you say softly. “I needed that.”
He kisses your forehead. “Have a good day at work, pet.”
You never thought you would say it, but you love it when he calls you that. It’s intimate, much more than ‘love’ could ever be.
“And you take care of yourself,” you shoot back at him.
He smiles, planting another loving kiss on your lips. They move softly against yours, savoring every last second you get with each other. And then, with one last glimpse at your watch, your break free.
“I’ll see you tonight, Mikey.”
“Yeah,” he says your name, “See ya tonight.”
He’s about to say ‘Love ya’, but he quickly realizes that it’s too soon and you’re not even sure he means it yet. His definition of love got a little confusing over time. After losing Allison, he’s never paid another thought about falling in love again, and he still feels so hollow inside, he’s not sure if he’s even capable of feeling like that again. But he likes you and he cares and he wants to be with you – he wants to see where it goes, and if he ends up feeling the same spark again that he did when he first met his wife, he won’t hesitate to claim you forever.
It’s a surprising thought, but he accepts it.
You can’t help the smile on your lips as you enter the café. You feel like you’re floating on cloud nine again. Though when you look up and see Sarah behind the counter, her face pale and bewildered as she stares outside at Michael, your smile fades.
“Damn it,” you curse under your breath.
You forgot she was working with you today, and you told her about what you found out, so she knows what he did. She doesn’t know the truth behind his story though, which means she thinks he’s some kind of psychopath and would tell you over and over again to stay away from him, and she just saw you kissing the man you both cursed to hell the night you told her about it.
She’s your friend and she cares, and you probably fucked up now. You and Michael, whatever it is between you, is fresh and you wanted to keep it a secret until you could be sure it wouldn’t be met with too much judgment. That’s too late now, the cat is out of the bag.
“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” Sarah hisses as soon as you’re behind the counter.
“Sarah–” you begin, but she cuts you off again.
“Did ya just– why did you kiss the same guy ya told me was a cold-blooded murderer who just got out of prison?!”
“I can explain.”
“Yer insane, that’s the explanation!”
“Would you quiet down?” You look around yourself. The café is crowded with people.
You take a deep breath, trying to stay as calm as possible as so not to disturb anyone. They don't need to hear about your love life or your bad decisions or how Sarah is out for blood because her eyes darken and you could swear she's ready to tear Michael's head off if he ever comes near the café again. "I understand that you're worried, but you need to trust my judgment on this one," you say. "I can't tell you everything because this is his story to tell, not mine, but he came to my apartment and he needed someone and we talked, and... I've spent time with Michael, and I've seen a different side of him. He's working on changing his life, and he deserves a chance."
She shakes her head, the disbelief evident in her eyes. She is fuming inside, you can tell. If you were alone, she would give you a full run-down and leave you as shocked as you are whenever your boss does the same, and it scares you a little. You know it's tough love, but the way she's talking about him doesn't sit right with you. "I can't wrap me fuckin' head around it, especially after everythin' ya told me about his past. Killing his wife, leaving a daughter behind, eight years in prison... I mean honestly," she says your name, "What is fucking wrong with you? It's like you're willingly walking into a dangerous situation, ready to risk your life for a guy ya barely know. And I don't doubt that the two of you fucked, didn't ya?"
"Sarah, be quiet," you growl. You don't often get angry and you hate confrontation, but this is Michael she's talking about. "If you're gonna slut shame me, at least do it in private."
But she shakes her head, a little bit of guilt coming through. "I didn't mean it like tha', I meant your general tendency to fuck with the wrong guys."
You raise your voice slightly, "It's not like that, Sarah! People can change. I believe in redemption, in giving second chances. And I'm willing to see past his mistakes. If you knew his story... you would think the same because Michael... he is not heartless, okay? He is compassionate and loving and he's been through a lot of shit in the past and he just needs someone. He needs me and he cares just as much as I do. He pushed me away because of his family, to protect me, but I chose to stay. It's not his fault. I accept him, I choose him and I stand by that."
With a groan, he lifts a red towel from the counter. "What color is this?" she asks abruptly.
Confused by the sudden question, you reply, "Red, obviously. But what does that have to do with anything?"
Sarah's voice grows sharper if that is even possible. "Oh, so ya do see colors. Good. Because this is a red towel, and tha' bastard, he's a walkin' red flag. Can't you see that?"
"Don't talk about him like he's evil."
"Oh, I will and I fuckin' am 'cause you can't see clearly fer the life of ya."
You purse your lips. “I can see that you're concerned, Sarah," you say, "but you're also letting your judgment cloud your understanding. Michael's trying to make amends. He's not the same person he was before."
"Yer risking so much for someone who may not even deserve it. Is that what you want? To be with a man with a questionable past, a man who could potentially hurt ya? Are you sexually attracted to danger or somethin'?"
Maybe you are just a little, but that doesn't matter now. Michael is different. Every last bit of doubt you had about your relationship evaporates.
Hurt and anger blend. "You don't understand. I thought as my friend, you would support me no matter what, but instead, you're just tearing me down because you’re not okay with my decision. Mine. It is my life, Sarah! Michael deserves a chance to prove himself, just like anyone else."
"I care about you," – her expression softens – "and it scares me to see ya making choices that might put you in harm's way. I don't want to lose ya."
"I need you to trust me on this."
Sarah sighs. "Promise me that if you smell even the slightest whiff of danger, ya'll walk away?" she says.
You reach out and grasp her hand. "I promise,” you say.
But you know that this is far from over.
Unbeknownst to you, her words planted a little seed of an entirely different kind of doubt in the garden of your soul, and it would soon have every right to grow, but not into a flower this time; this seed of doubt has the potential to turn into a terrifyingly large tree, and its roots are going to be the death of you.
Maybe even quite literally.
Tagging: @bellaxgiornata @shouldbestudying41 @your-not-invisible-to-me @glowstick-lesbian @ms-murdockswift @acharliecoxedfan @loveroftoomanyfandoms
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