#ch: cory matthews | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

GGG: Girl, Get a Grip! Ch.1 (Alaskatox) - chykopon

A/N: a huge thanks goes first of all to @spokywrites, because without her suggestion i would have already dropped this story, but foremost to @mistressaq, who patiently beta’d this chapter and thaught me a lot about english, lol - she’s such a cutie, and i won’t ever stop thanking her for all the work she put into this; without her, this story wouldn’t even be here ;; (you can find the prologue to this story onto the story tag, and i recommend to read that first) [13K words] A chapter in which Justin realises Matt is just like a Kandinsky’s painting, and Matthew himself has the most clarifying talk he had ever had.

He was a bit surprised to read Matt’s name on the screen, and he opened the message out of curiosity.

“We broke up.”

Justin read the message few times, before realizing what it meant, thoughts rumbling in his head as if he couldn’t believe what was written there; Cory’s face deformed in a disgusted expression as hot tea drooled from his brother’s mouth in disbelief. Lasky wasn’t really used to shocking news, to the point he simply stopped functioning correctly…

«What?!» he almost screamed, even though nobody was really listening or watching what he was doing. Cory, still startled, was jumping on his seat and cursing towards his big bro.

«The fuck happened?» he asked from the other side of the table.

Justin’s only reply was a puzzled look. He found himself blinking few times, desperately trying to process what he had just read. There was such a casual look in that simple message, that Justin couldn’t actually believe Matt – who was always a reserved person, more reserved than an introvert like Lasky had always been – had written it. Moreover to the fact that few nights before everything seemed going quite smooth, even though Justin knew Matthew wasn’t someone really used to established relationship.

He coughed, trying to regain a linear process of thought. Wondering about how odd it was to be receiving such a message from Matt had made him slightly lose contact with reality.

He pursed his lips and furrowed his brows as if he was feeling guilty: it seemed like what he did two nights before had a main role in that unlucky event. Something along the line of oh my god, I unconsciously craved so much to fuck with Matt despite his boyfriend, that they actually broke up.

It was an irrational thought, of course, but Justin’s mind worked in some odd ways. Even he didn’t know what his brain was doing sometimes.

He fidgeted in his seat, suddenly feeling as if a large weight had suddenly been dropped on his shoulders. Ignoring Cory’s question, he set aside his breakfast: he felt his stomach suddenly closing as he realized how horrible Matt would be feeling, and how he was completely unable to comfort people even when they really need it. He started typing violently on his phone with worry growing in his mind and spreading to his face.

“Are you okay? Wanna talk about it?”

Once he sent the message, Justin sighed loudly, his face still contorted in an uneasy expression. He wasn’t the right person to deal with these things. Justin set his elbow on the kitchen table, resting his chin on his open palm, musing. If Cory wanted, he could have probably heard his big brother thinking, seeing how concentrated he was, examining in his mind all different situations in which he could manage to handle Matt’s broken heart. Fantasy. Justin wasn’t able to fix his own wounded soul.

It was bizarre how just two days before they were talking about how fucked up Justin’s love life was, and the one ending with a broken heart had actually been Matt. Call it fate, a bad puns fate, actually. Pursing again his lips, Justin couldn’t stop overthinking how it was even possible, and what in the hell happened for it to end like this.

He didn’t know how funny he looked, all those different worried expressions switching upon his face.

He tensed in his seat. He really hadn’t expected something like this. He wasn’t supposed to be prepared to handle this, since Matthew didn’t really speak about it.

Cory sighed, having come to terms with the fact that his brother was totally on another planet. He’d tried to get Justins attention a few times by waving his hands in front of the others face, to no avail.

Was Matt really heartbroken? Justin realized he didn’t even know Matt’s boyfriend’s name, or when they got together. Had Matthew ever talked about him? Did Justin know him? He raised a hand to his forehead, realizing how sweaty he was from worry. Worry that was growing, as he was facing the fact he didn’t have a single clue about Matthew’s personal life. This sudden realization made him yet more uncomfortable. He felt the urge to distract himself, fiddling with his hair.

Less than 48 hours before, Justin was feeling ashamed for jerking off thinking about one of his best friends. He thought they were at that point of their friendship where they could consider themselves like that – in one way or another. Suddenly he was coming to terms with the fact he didn’t actually know a fucking thing about Matt’s life. Could he still call Matthew a friend?

Yeah, they opened up with each other in a way Justin had done with no one else, but analyzing how their relationship developed throughout the years, he realized how odd it had been. It was always Justin whining about things, Matt patiently listening– never the other way around.

Sometimes it was Matthew telling about the guy he took home after one of his performances, and other times it was Justin asking how he felt about that particular news involving Matt he got to know from social networks and never from Matt himself.

He couldn’t remember a single time in which Matthew voluntarily started talking about his problems.

Widening his eyes in sudden epiphany, Justin shot a look at his phone as another worried feeling added to his now tremendous discomfort and uneasiness. The thought he had somehow invaded Matt’s privacy, asking him about his break up was building inside his mind, along with the concrete fear he hit the point of no return in a relationship he didn’t even know if he could still call “friendship”. Not only he had been the worst of friends, he was now pushing Matthew to talk about private stuff, even though he probably hadn’t the right to.

Cory was giggling, watching a whole range of different odd expressions mutating and warping his brother’s face. He wondered what in the hell he was thinking to make him act so anxious and out of place in his own house.

Justin was quite the master in making a fuss about nothing.

After all, Matthew was the one sending the first message, so he did nothing wrong, right? Right, Justin tried to convince himself, biting his lips while playing with his nails as if they were the most interesting thing in that exact moment.

Justin was really good at fucking things up. He was good at counting chickens, before they hatch.

Matthew sometimes spoke about his family, his friends, his relationships, but he always told funny stories – about his sister Heather, wasted in his kitchen, using the mixer in the wrong way – she was trying a new detox smoothie recipe… ironic – or how the twink he took home the night before threw up vodka and hamburger on Matthew’s thighs.

Justin fell on the couch, exhausted by all that over-thinking. Only 15 minutes had passed, but to him it seemed like a whole hour– maybe more, as if he spent an entire day pondering about things he didn’t really know about, constantly feeling that he wasn’t slightly near the solution.

He always over thought things, and that was the reason why he fucked things up so often. As long as he was busy with work, he didn’t have enough time to consider the answer to life, universe and everything – it’s “42”, by the way – but when the touring, recording and performing stopped – and it was always for barely a month – he usually found himself replaying things in his head again and again and again.

Justin wasn’t flawless, because Justin wasn’t Alaska. He played a character he didn’t really have the guts to emulate in real life. But there still were lots of things he and Lasky shared, but while Alaska Thunderfuck was the Queen of Snakes from another planet, ready to seduce you, and then leave you a minute after, Justin was the kind of guy who grew affectionate toward people in a really small amount of time, investing too much of himself in every single fucking relationship.

Justin knew Matthew cared for him; he remembered him saying how much he loved him a bunch of times. But it was not a sufficient reassurance to stop Justin from convincing himself he was always doing something wrong. He threw his head back onto the couch, searching for a bit of comfort while his head suddenly started aching as if he was experiencing the worst sickness he had ever had in his whole life.

As he grew stronger about his self confidence towards some things, the constant fear he would do something irreparable grew too.

The fact was: if he had been on a date with Rick – and if he and Matt had had the consequent talk – just a month before, while he was still touring Australia, he wouldn’t be pining over all these uncalled thoughts. He would have jerked off to Matthew, waking up the next day as if nothing ever happened. He would have buried himself in the work, and never spend another second on the subject.

But unluckily for him, it happened now, when he had enough time to stress himself over drawing conclusions about his life.

His phone buzzed and Justin quickly opened the new message as if it was a matter of life or death.

“Not really”

Well, he fucked up. He threw his phone aside, a loud sigh bursting from his lips, shutting his eyes as if it was just a nightmare and he would wake up few moments after, realizing it had all been in his head and he didn’t jerked off on Matt in the first place.

It was so obvious he didn’t have the right to ask Matt about his private life, even though Matthew was the first one to bring it on. How could he call himself “his friend”, when they didn’t talk for months, and they rarely see each other during tours and they both were in LA at the same time. Obviously, Matt didn’t want to open up with someone who was almost barely part of his life.

Sure, when they had the opportunity, they would go clubbing together. And they would have fun together while touring the States and before and after every performance, but Justin had done it with quite a few of his colleagues, as long as he knew them enough to trust them just a tiny bit. But with Matthew he had always felt at ease… until that wank of misfortune – a good nickname, he thought.

His phone rang and lazily moving towards the object, he picked up the call without looking; he wasn’t quite in the mood to answer, but he was committed to his work and his own private life, to the point he wouldn’t miss answering his phone even with the worst flu.

«Yes?» his voice was tired as if he just finished taking part in a gig and just got off a 12-hour-flight.

«I thought you were gonna say “hieeee”».

Justin startled, suddenly raising from the couch as he recognized the voice from the other end of the phone. It was Matthew.

«I thought it was someone-else» Justin replied, trying to get a grip. His eyes shifted among the furniture of his living room, desperately trying to conjure up something to say, all while all the thoughts formed few moments before were still rattling in his head with no real sense.

«Are you cheating on me?» Matt joked, trying not to laugh. And Justin could clearly hear how he tried to muffle his laughter, probably covering his mouth with his free hand.

«I would never» Justin drawled, playing along. He heard Matt’s laughter, and a smile bent on his lips, feeling like things had gone back to how they were before Justin’s over-thinking had even started. Matthew had this skill of his, to always make Justin comfortable even in the oddest situations.

He bit his lip, a now happy – but still kind of worried – look upon his face, and then he continued: «I actually thought I’ve messed up» he confessed, crossing his long legs, while making himself comfortable on the couch. It took him a bit of courage to actually say it out loud, but due to the fact Matthew seemed to always be the right person in the right moment, Justin usually felt as if he could entrust to him even his darkest secrets…

«The fuck?!» and Justin could figure Matt’s furrowing his brows in a puzzled look by his voice’s tone, as if he was standing there in front of him; Justin could imagine him, looking at him with his usual skeptical glance, a bit of sarcasm in the way his barely visible eyebrows arched upon his forehead. Matthew always had that judgmental look upon his face, and he was the type of guy to not keep quiet in front of Justin’s bullshit, but still Lasky always felt as if there was nothing really shady in the way Matt often glanced him, and instead something more like the sincere worry of someone who actually cared.

If Justin simply took all those things for granted, he wouldn’t have a problem in the first place, but, well…

One of the few – many, actually – problems that made Justin’s personality so fucking twisted was that he couldn’t refrain from the urge to speak about his most superficial worries, even when they were totally uncalled for. While on the other hand he had never been able to talk about his inner and deepest troubles. The ones he, well, should actually confess…

«I don’t know» Justin drawled again, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to hide that expression, which seemed to be to crack up in tears, «I felt like I was intruding your privacy…»

Matthew stayed silent for a time that seemed an entire year – it actually lasted less than five seconds – and Justin found himself holding his breath; in less than a blink of an eye, he replayed in his head all the different outcomes of that conversation, each one ending with Matthew suddenly hanging up the phone.

«Lasky,» Matt said annoyed, and Justin could hear a testily sigh coming from his lips «the fuck are you saying?!»

Justin gulped, caught off guard. Ok, that was a situation he hadn’t depicted in his mind yet. He gasped for few seconds, trying to think of something to say that wasn’t incredibly stupid.

«I—»

But Matthew abruptly interrupted him: «If I didn’t want you to be part of my over-dramatic reaction and whining compilation about my recent break up, I wouldn’t have messaged you, Jesus!» he blurted, «You’re always making a fuss about nothing, stop worrying about stupid things! I thought you were smarter than that! I don’t want stupid friends!»

Matt was probably annoyingly waving his hand in the kind of fed up gesture he usually directed to Justin, especially when he was giving one of his bratty tantrums; Justin smiled. There was something oddly familiar and warm in Matt’s reply, something Justin had grown accustomed to without even realizing it. Something that reminded him of how paternally Matthew had always treated him… Aware of it or not, Matt gave him the reassurance he needed. A bit of it, at least…

«What about Michael, then?» Justin tried to change the subject, fearing he could just fuck things up more than what he had done before if they kept talking about that issue.

Matthew laughed loudly, «You shady bitch! I’m gonna tell him!»

Justin echoed him, stretching his legs, Roxxxy was always the good comic interlude in their conversation. He raised his head to look at his brother calling for him and now whispering something like “I’m going out, I’m not coming home for lunch.”Justin nodded, trying to pace his breath, still laughing.

«You wouldn’t!» he then started again, while the conversation seemed to regain their usual casual tone.

«Try me» Matt challenged, and Justin knew he was smiling viciously as he usually did, because at least about few things, he knew Matthew better.

«What’s the price of your silence?» he still got along with the joke – it was how they usually interacted with each other; mocking and annoying. «I can offer oral sex on the plate» he smiled mischievously because he meant it, but Matthew didn’t know it, so everything was fine.

«I’m not in the mood—God, I thought I would never, in my whole life, refuse an explicit sex offer, I think I really got old…» for just a moment, probably out of desperation or maybe exhaustion, Justin hoped Matthew would catch the ball, and remove the hook he had grown attached to during those days. Somehow, he felt as if Matthew had been the one taking the first steps. Getting him laid would fix things as they were before…

«Well, if you’re getting old you could try “grannies”, Redtube has a good section», he kept joking, comedic relief was the strongest shield he knew.

Matthew coughed, trying to contain his laughter, «I’m not gonna ask you how you know that—»

but Justin cut in «…or you could be the “granny” on the Redtube’s section».

Matthew kept silent for a moment, and Justin tried really hard to not giggle at his own bad – horrible – pun.

«…is that shade to that awful porn video I made?»

«Maybe?» and Justin waited with an amused look for a reply.

«You bitch!»

Justin chuckled.

«Can we just forget that video even exists? They called me “Detops” on Reddit for months!»

Justin heard him rambling, but he still couldn’t stop himself from laughing even harder; it was fucking hilarious hearing Matthew overreacting, Justin knew how much he cared for his top status, to the point he couldn’t miss reminding it to others every now and then, «Me! Detops! The self proclaimed West Hollywood’s toppest top!» Justin giggled, you sure are in my fantasies, he raised his glance to the ceiling trying to get a grip of himself and concentrate on the conversation.

«So, if I forget you did the worst porn video on Drag Race herstory, will you keep silent about me doubting Roxxxy’s smartness?» Justin suggested, still snickering. Of course he wouldn’t really forget about it – he couldn’t since he actually masturbated to it a few – too many – times. He didn’t know if it was more shameful to have jerked off to a friend’s porn video, or the fact that that same porn video was one of the worst he had ever happened to see.

«Mhhh…» mumbled Matthew, and Justin waited holding his breath, feeling as if he was years younger and he was asking his high school’s crush to come to the prom with him, «what about taking me out for lunch?»

Justin blinked. He wasn’t prepared to hear that, and it made his “fantasy” about the prom night thing quite real, to the point it seemed almost a scripted quote. «Well… ok» he answered, still a bit shocked.

Justin got up from the couch and headed to his room. The fact was, he wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to speak with Matt vis-à-vis, even though he was too conscious of the fact that, well, they really should. He was still feeling a bit uncomfortable towards Matt, and it was so fucking wrong in so fucking many ways it seemed he entered the Matrix and a glitch happened.

«I didn’t want burnt soy noodles anyway» he joked, but there still was T in what he said: Justin Andrew Honard and cooking were proclaimed arch-enemies. It was the first thing that came into his mind actually, but he spared him one of those odd silent moment, which would betray him and his worries.

«I’m gonna go get ready, and I’m there in half an hour— Mel’s?»

«Mel’s» replied Matthew, his voice warm as usual «but take your time, I’m still in the bathtub».

Justin stood still for a moment not sure if he actually did understand what the other one said: «…why are you taking a bath at 11 in the morning?» he frowned with a perplexed look shading his eyes: but he couldn’t stop himself from imagining those long, fit legs stretching under the water just like Matthew always did in his snapchat’s stories. Maybe firmly bent on his bed, while his own legs were wrapped around Matt’s hi— he stopped, hardly biting his lower lip, too conscious of where those thoughts would lead him.

«Some fans gave me these Lush’s bath bombs… I thought it was a good way to treat myself to a post-break up», Matthew sing songed with his lowest and hoarsest tone, and Justin shivered. This wasn’t helping at all, and instead made Justin’s fantasy grow stronger as a vivid dream. Now he was in the bathtub along with him, sitting onto his lap, his long and skinny arms embracing him, while his plump lips peeked on his shoulders…

«Well, it is» Justin drawled, trying to ignore the hard-on which now bulged from his pants. Fuck, why was he so fucking horny these days?! «So, 12 o'clock?» he asked again, deciding it was a better idea to head to the bathroom first.

«Yeah, 12’s fine, see you there, girl, love you».

«Me too, byeee~»

Justin ended the call and found himself sitting on the toilet, pants already down his ankles: he wasn’t that surprised how he had grown used to this in less than a week. Replaying Matthew’s voice in his head and restarting his galloping fantasies from where he stopped, he grabbed his own cock; his head resting against the bathroom’s wall. He had half an hour to spend before getting ready, so he better enjoy himself, right?

Mel’s was quite famous world-wide, a 50’s styled diner on Sunset Boulevard, in which both Justin and Matthew ate the first time they moved to LA. It was a must for whomever chose to live in West Hollywood, “You haven’t been to Mel’s? Really?”, Justin remembered taking Cory there the first time his brother came to visit. And he had to admit it was one of the few cheap diners to offer an actually good vegetarian option.

He usually preferred take away to sit-down meals, the meat’s smell really did make him nauseous, but luckily for him – even though a drive-in was still a drive-in – Mel’s had tables outside, so Justin could stand the air full of grilled hot dogs and patties. It was one of the reasons he kept coming back, to the point he grew really affectionate to the place.

Thinking back, Justin realized that every time he and Matthew went out for lunch – it was not a rare thing, actually – they usually ended up eating at Mel’s, like some subconscious influence in considering Mel’s something like their place. It was less than 10 minute walk from Justin’s new house on Shoreham Drive, so it became quite the diner, whenever he didn’t feel to cook – three times a week, actually – to the point he considered Mel’s not only cozy, but also intimate, the perfect place where you could have an important talk with your friends.

Matthew, sitting on the other side of the table, lit a cigarette and offered the open package to Justin. He had that beard scruff he didn’t take care for surely more than two days, which made him even sexier than he usually was. And Justin’s irrational thoughts wondered how would it feel, his chin scratching onto his back, while his hands were grasping his hips– Justin returned to earth and lowered his glance to the smoking package with a startled look. «No, thanks, I don’t smoke.»

«You definitively quit?» Matt asked with a surprised look, while taking a good whiff from his Winston. He was really gorgeous when he raised his hand to his lips, kissing the cigarette. Justin wondered how he hadn’t realized before.

«Sometimes I do», admitted Lasky, crossing his legs in a desperate attempt to focus onto the conversation. His mind was all over the place, too invested in both thinking too much of how he should act like everything was fine, and trying to erase from his mind the memories of those few quality minutes he had spent in his own bathroom, before heading to the diner.

He needed to make conversation: «But not during lunch-time, how can you? I mean, doesn’t it taste disgusting afterward?» not that Justin was really interested in an answer, but it seemed like as good a subject as any.

Matt giggled sardonically, «Seriously? You know a heavy smoker doesn’t actually give a shit about taste, as long as he can have his smoke-breaks».

Justin chuckled: it was true. Once he started smoking during Drag Race’s filming, he didn’t actually give a fuck about the fact that all his – poor – meals would taste like ashes and burnt tobacco, as long as he could take a break from all the stress going on inside the walls. Out of the show, his stress-relief was doing laundry. Justin chuckled as he realized that he was slowly becoming a fifties TV housewife. To each his own.

«But you aren’t a heavy smoker, are you?» he asked, realizing what Matthew actually said. Since he remembered, Matt was one of those smokers who usually lit three or four cigarettes during a gig; smoking was something more like an excuse to relax his nerves before and after a flight, not something he had ever been really addicted to… or at least, he was the last time Justin had seen him. Two months before. 90 days is such a long time without seeing each other to call themselves “friends”.

As he ended that sentence, Justin had a return of one of that morning’s many epiphanies: he really didn’t know Matthew as well as he thought. Matt had maybe reassured him a tiny bit about their friendship in some crooked and unaware ways, but the truth was Justin didn’t know a lot about Matt’s behavior and life out of drag. Yeah, he could read him – by every meaning of the word. He knew how Matthew would react to a lot of things; he knew what to expect from him, but besides those things… had Matt ever had a pet? He didn’t have a clue. How did Matt spend his time during breaks? He didn’t know.

For a normal person, all those things would be sufficient to put his mind at rest, after all, nobody knows someone so well without sharing an intense amount of time with that person, but Justin was a really fucked-up man with too much time to spend pondering about pointless things.

«I smoked a bit too much in the last few weeks» Matthew admitted, chugging a good amount of smoke on his side. Justin was torturing his own lips, his glance waving onto all Matt’s facial features, outlining the eyes, that straight jaw line, the prominent cheekbones. A hand raised to his chin as Justin assumed that position he always reverted to when he was deep in thought, disconnecting himself from the real world.

«…was it because of the break-up? I mean, things weren’t going well?» Lasky asked. As he finished his sentence, he realized he maybe didn’t have the right to ask, since Matthew said he didn’t really want to talk about it; but he was curious.

His glance tightened as if trying to take down the façade of Matthew’s. Except Matt wasn’t like Justin, he didn’t actually put up a front, it was more like he was always just closed off; Matt’s genuine self was Justin’s fake self.

Oh, he was so fucking curious, maybe out of contrition from realizing what a bad friend he had been. Maybe he was just searching for a solution to rest his confused conscience. But he came to terms with the fact that friends don’t act like that, so he quickly tried to make up for his misspeak.

«Sorry,» he said, fidgeting in his seat, «I don’t want to make you uncomfortable—»

Matt gave him a kind of funny puzzled look. «Justin, the fuck are you saying?» he asked, maybe calmer than intended. Justin could see in that glance that Matthew seemed… disappointed. He must admit he hadn’t ever behaved like that towards him, and even though he was trying his best to appear normal, to disguise his worries, he probably failed across the board, since Matt called him out on it.

«You’re acting so weird from this morning…» he reached for Justin’s hand on the table.

His touch was one of the warmest Justin had ever experienced. Probably because he wasn’t really used to the kind of worried expression Matthew wore right then. He knew Matt cared for a lot of people, and he knew, even though he was the outspoken but still the private type of guy, he hadn’t ever hidden how much he cared for the people he loved. Still, things between them had always been different. Something more like: we know we care but we don’t talk about it. They were not those friends who usually hug each other, or kiss one another on the cheeks, or something like that… they were more like “you know, if you need me, you can call”. Something more like Lasky watching Matthew when he had a breakdown in the werk room during the show, and vice versa.

Justin sighed, realizing that on the weight scale, the plate was still onto Matthew. Matthew, who was reaching for him. Matthew, who had always been there. Matthew, who always comforted him, and Matthew, who despite being heartbroken and post break up, was now worried for him.

Great, Justin thought, we went out for lunch to comfort Matt after his break up, and we end like usual, with me whining about something.

«Are you ok?» Matthew asked with a bit of worry, catching Justin off guard for the third time in less than four hours.

I’m not okay, he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Not now and not there. It wasn’t something he felt ready to face right now– maybe ever. Time to put that acting degree to good use.

«Yeah, I’m fine» he said, retrieving his hand from the other’s touch. «Don’t mind me, I have lots of things on my mind… let’s talk about you».

He meant it, he really did, even though the situation made him more uncomfortable than he originally thought. Matt pouted, clearly not buying it, but luckily for Justin he simply decided to go along with the lie, Justin theorized, because he was a too good person. Matt knew him better to just buy such a low-level lie, and the feeling of having been so quickly unmasked made him uneasy.

«It wasn’t because we were gonna break-up, by the way» Matt answered Justin’s first question. His eyes wandered over the table’s surface; to Justin he seemed to be trying to grasp words fading into his mind, «Lots of things happened during the last weeks» he paused, taking a final drag off his cigarette. Justin recognized this as a frequent nervous habit of Matthew’s, and he considered if he should ask what was worrying his friend or just let the subject fade given Matthew’s obvious discomfort.

Before he could manage to say a word, Matthew said «Laurie decided to move out».

Laurie? Justin fidgeted again, stretching his legs and then crossing them again. Ah! He suddenly remembered, feeling a bit ashamed to have forgotten – just for a moment, though – about Matthews’ lesbian roommate and best friend.

«You know, she’s in a long term relationship, she’s really in love, so they decided she should move in with her girlfriend…» Matt continued, pursing his lips and Justin simply listened. He couldn’t understand if he was pissed or maybe just sad. Matthew often reminded Justin of a Kandinsky’s painting: beautiful and cryptic. No one could understand him, once he had been taken out of context, or better, out of his comfort zone.

It was odd; he wasn’t really used to Matthew talking about private stuff, but at the same time he felt kind of relieved, like his complaining about feeling not really close to Matt had been heard and the solution had been dropped by heaven. He felt a bit childish and selfish, enjoying himself in the moment of personal sharing, especially since Matt was obviously feeling down.

Matthew confirmed just a moment after: «…I feel like shit».

It was not the first time he heard Matthew saying things along those lines, but the other times it was always one of those dressing-room whines they usually shared while getting in drag. This time was different: Justin could sense a beaten and shaken tone in Matt’s voice. It was downright destabilizing. He wasn’t prepared.

Matthew had always been one of the strongest people he had ever met, but getting to know him, he learned he was also a really emotive man. The type to cry over a news story about a trans teen’s suicide. It really happened, and Justin remembered how Michael spent an entire hour, rubbing Matthew’s back as he couldn’t stop crying.

Maybe Matt was totally aware of that, and that was the reason why he was always trying to get a hold of himself, and when he didn’t succeed, he would try to be the funny or irreverent one. Justin sat motionless, his face blocked in that same puzzled and a bit worried expression of someone unsure of how he’s supposed to react.

«I’m happy for her, I truly am» Matthew continued, «but a lot happened, and I’m not really in the mood to be left alone, last week Heather got in a car accident—»

Justin widened his eyes, jumping onto his seat with probably more drama than was called for. «Your sister got in a car accident?!»

Matthew startled at Justin’s sudden shift.

«Yeah…» he answered with a bewildered look, «Didn’t I mention it?»

Justin shook his head out of shock, wondering how the fuck you could forget something so important in the first place.

«Well, she’s fine now, but she’s still in the hospital, you know, for check-ups and things like that…» Justin stood still, watching his friend light another cigarette. He caught all of Matt’s gestures, and even though he was still gasping, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how stressed and beaten he should be and how insensitive he himself had been toward him, not noticing all the symptoms before.

Matt lowered a bit the cap on his head, probably trying to hide his face, though Justin caught his watering eyes anyway. Matthew hadn’t ever cried directly in front of him, probably because he was too aware and too caught up in the consciousness of how strong Justin considered him. Something like I don’t want to crash the idea of me he had built inside his mind.

«You should have called me…» Justin said without even thinking, and Matthew raised his eyes, catching the lanky man’s frown and worried look. It wasn’t an expression Justin would direct to just anyone, rather it was something really intimate he would keep for people he really trusted. Matt knew because he had seen that glance just one other time, directed to Aaron. If he had the ability in that exact moment, he would have blushed.

«You were busy with your work, I don’t want to trouble people about my problems» Matthew came up with an excuse the moment he regained awareness of the world surrounding him. He’d been too caught up in those blue icy eyes Justin was staring at him with; it was as if he could get lost in Justin’s unfathomably blue eyes.

But you certainly called Michael, Justin thought and regretted right after. He realized with a kind of horror how he really wanted to be something like the core of Matthew’s world.

«It was nothing, really, but you know, I’m always a bit too shocked when it’s about car-accidents… »

Justin slowly nodded; well, yeah, he knew, but they haven’t really spoken about that, and Justin could simply imagine how someone with Matt’s experience should feel towards the subject.

«So it was you know, stressful, with Laurie moving out and being busy with her own life… and when things go for the worst and your relationship starts to waver, you know it’s time to end it».

Oh, yeah, Justin knew. Repressed memories of countless arguments buried inside the darkest spot of his mind threatened to resurface with the strength of a slap to his face. Justin knew too well, and he felt the exhaustion of being aware of the fact he simply couldn’t help him. He felt unarmed and useless. He tried to hide it, pursing his lips and making himself comfortable onto his seat.

«I know,» Justin drawled, «it happened with all my boyfriends…» he then commented, with a softer tone, and even though he didn’t speak it out loud, both he and Matthew knew he was talking about Aaron in particular. It was just a small relief, but Justin hoped it would be sufficient for the moment; something like saying you’re not alone, and there are lots of people who already experience what you’re going through and they came back quite… well. Justin maybe wasn’t the best example, but while he knew that knowing you’re not alone doesn’t actually fix things, seeing Matthew stretching his lips with a small and tired smile made him feel it actually worked. Somehow.

Justin, realizing there was no way to actually relieve him for that pain, tried at least to cheer him up with the worst joke he could come up with.

«Do you believe in life after love?»

And Matt actually laughed, not because of the joke itself, but because seeing Justin trying to hold his best – fake – serious looking was fucking hilarious.

«Bitch!» Matthew said, punching lightly Justin’s arm, «Don’t ever try to Cher me again!» he threatened, but he couldn’t stop chuckling.

Lasky smiled, seeing in that laughter the cheerful Matthew he had grown fond of giving him a sense of accomplishment.«Sorry ‘bout it» Justin mocked again, and this time he couldn’t really refrain himself to burst out laughing, while Matthew glanced him with the worst fake annoyed look he could wear.

«I swear I’m gonna shit down your pantyhose if you don’t stop!»

For a moment, Justin forgot all the worrying thoughts he had had in the last few days, and thought that he couldn’t expect any better solution to all the drama he built up – by himself – than ending with both of them laughing, and the reassurance that all his worries were actually a huge delusional stream of consciousness.

He was a fucking weirdo. Because if he hadn’t jerked off to Matt, he wouldn’t have been so overly obsessed with his friend in the first place. But that was Justin and the way his weird-ass mind worked.

They were still giggling when the waiter came back with their meals. Justin caught the way Matthew glanced at the young man. He noticed how that guy seemed to resemble the typical guy Matt had a sweet spot for. Justin thanked the man with an amused smile that guy didn’t know what was about, and then bit his lips in the effort to choose the right words in his mind. For a normal person, the subject had reached its end but Justin was not a normal person: ok, he and Matthew were friends, he masturbated thinking of him, because he was sexually frustrated, and life now could go on as usual.

But not for Justin. His wet dreams had been only an excuse for him to ponder about how his friendship with Matthew developed throughout the years. Because Matt was one of those friends who literally happens in life.

They met when he moved in LA, and he was looking at Detox as someone to admire, then there was Drag Race season 5, and they grew closer because it was a kind of forced move, and he was way weaker than what he was right now. Matt had always been closer to Michael, though. They started together in Orlando, they knew each other way before than meeting Justin, and it was okay, really.

But then there had been BOTS. And Justin had lots of chances to become closer with Matt, but he was in that part of his life where he could barely stand on his feet, and Aaron was the only thought in his mind. Then the breakup. And Matthew was there, even though Justin was still in Pittsburgh. He never really told him about it face-to-face, Matt knew because gossip was the core of drag communities.

Justin remembered crying so desperately he could barely speak for the whole night, while Matthew was patiently listening to his sobbing on the phone.

But their relationship never really grew from that point. There had been tours, performances, and he came back to West Hollywood, but besides going clubbing, eating out, and going out for a coffee together, there hadn’t been any real progress in how they approached each other.

Justin realized that somehow he had always been obsessed with becoming closer to Matt, and at the same time he realized he was the one who never really did a thing about it.

All Stars 2 had been quite bizarre. Because they argued a lot. But at the same time, something grew stronger, and it maybe was because it seemed like Matt had accepted not only the funny, crazy – kind and sweet – faces of Justin’s personality, but also his bratty and whining attitude. They still didn’t see each other often, but Justin had felt at ease in Matt’s company for a long time now.

Seeing things in this way, he couldn’t really claim more. The fuck you want, now, Justin?

He didn’t know, actually. So he simply spoke as word resurfaced from his mind: «It’s the first time you open up this way with me», he drawled, avoiding the other’s glance. He played with his meal, trying to seem at least a bit more interested in what he was doing than what he was saying.

Matthew raised his glance from the hamburger he was eating, to cross Justin’s fake relaxed look from the other side of the table; he knew he was hiding something, and smiling and pursing his lips, he tried to see through Lasky’s mask, «Really?»

Justin smiled, nodding.

«You never asked» said Matt, munching. Checkmate.

It was true. He opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it right after, furrowing his brows, as if he wasn’t really sure of what he was supposed to answer now.

«But—» Justin tried, with an astonished look, «it’s not something you ask, I mean, if you’re feeling down, you just talk to your friend, don’t you?» and he searched the other’s face for some kind of confirmation, never to arrive.

Instead, Matthew smiled, the same expression he usually wore when someone complimented him.

«I’m not like you» Matthew answered and it seemed like a criticism, even though Matt was chuckling, «I don’t want to push my problems over my friends, and let me be honest, you’re pretty fucked up to be the one listening and giving advice».

Justin giggled, even though for a moment he seriously weighed the idea of being offended by that comment, «I am» he confessed, because he was too self-conscious of him being a freak to lie about it, «but you can call, when you need help» and he knew that what he really meant was you should call. Justin didn’t know if he actually could be of any help… he was not good in dealing with people in general, he didn’t know how to approach people feeling down, he didn’t know how to comfort even his most close friends, but he knew he wanted to be of help, «We are close, aren’t we?» and the he asked what was rumbling in his mind for three days straight, because in the end Justin needed reassurance. As usual. He didn’t know where he actually found the strength to speak it out loud, but he did. Regretting it just two seconds after.

Matthew smiled, touching Justin’s foot with his own under the table in a gestures that seemed like an answer by itself, all while smiling, «We are».

And they talked about so many different things – gossips mainly – for two more hours without the awkwardness they felt at first, and Justin thought that everything was fine. He thought he simply had had a break down, and pondering about the day once he arrived home, he realized that it all started because Matt in the first place had called him that morning. He laughed at himself, realizing how stupid he had acted throughout the day – and the whole week, actually – sometimes he didn’t even understand how his own mind worked, making him overthink things which weren’t even a problem.

Things between him and Matthew had always been fine, he just made a fuss over nothing… didn’t he?

It was a step in the right direction, so he thought that all his dirty fantasies were a freakish Freudian – he didn’t really know if it was something Freud-related – way in which his brain was trying to point out to him how he really should take more care of his friendships.

He was ashamed, having wasted so much time worrying and being bothered because he wanted to be fucked by Matthew, instead of being bothered because he was worried about Matthew in the first place. But he thought that now he had all the time to take care of their friendship, and treat him in the proper way, without everything always being about Justin.

He went to bed, exhaling a relieved sigh before slowly falling asleep into Morpheus’ lap, just to wake up few hours after with a huge hard-on to the thought of his last wet dream, where Matt was fucking him harder and harder against a wall.

«Fuck!»

«Hey, gorgeous!» Michael waved from the skype screen, while Matthew cooked in the kitchen.

«Hi, baby!» he greeted, lighting the fire, before turning around to face Roxxxy, who was looking at him from the tablet monitor. It was an important part of Matthew’s daily routine: Roxxxy had always been his closest confidant and friend. Despite living on opposites US coastlines, he simply couldn’t give up on his habitual stress-relieving moment with his favorite Boxxxy Mandrews. Not that they reach for each other every single day, but Matt wouldn’t miss answering Michael’s call even when he had been busy, because Michael knew him better and he always had the right words to say, exactly when Matt needed to hear them.

«How’s it there?»

«Oh, everything’s fine, just had dinner with a bunch of friends» replied Michael, polishing his nails as usual.

They always had this kind of casual chat. Usually lasting less than an hour, “what did you do today?” “how are things going?” and other things along those lines, as if they were hanging out for a coffee,

«What about you? Weren’t you texting me about juicy gossip?» Michael smiled rascally, with a glimpse in his eyes typical of someone who literally lived for such talk.

Matt chuckled loudly. Michael’s smiling face was enough to make him feel at ease.

«Not gossip» he replied, putting the pan on the cooker before starting to shred a huge piece of cheese; he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to call… that. In the way that throwing shade was ‘gossip’.

No, it was more like: my life has been kinda awkward recently and I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to that…? The fact was, there was more bugging Matthew in the back of his head than he led on.

«I had lunch with Lasky today»

Michael gave him a puzzled look, stopping from his nail-care routine and raising his head to match Matthew’s, who was now biting his lip. He seemed quite uncomfortable. Michael also wore an expression explaining that he wasn’t prepared to talk about what they were going to talk about: «And?»

«I—»

«Sorry for interrupting,» started Michael again, pointing to his friend from the screen. «But you really should eat healthier», he commented with a paternal tone and a pissed look.

«Oh, fuck me!» exclaimed Matt, laughing. he knew the totally uncalled for comment was Michael’s way to try to ease the pace of the conversation. He’d probably noticed how nervous Matthew was. Oh, he loved Michael.

«You’re not my real mom!» Matt whined, following the mood.

«And I never will be—» Michael echoed, warmly smiling towards his best friend, noticing Matthew growing more relaxed.

«So what were you saying?»

«I had lunch with Lasky this morning—» Matthew tried again, still avoiding Michael’s glance, fearing the other would be able to read his expression and subsequently read him for filth for it. Matt knew Michael could and would do it at its finest.

«You already said that», pointed out the other mockingly.

Matthew faced him, brandishing a spoon threateningly. «I swear I’m gonna shove this up your ass, if you don’t stop interrupting me!» he said despite his secret gratitude for the interruptions. They gave him time to pick the right words.

Michael raised his hands in surrender, faking a serious face, traces of laughter peeking out from his lips. «Sorry, sorry, go on.»

«I was saying… I had lunch with Justin this morning,» Matthew started again, pursing his lips. he didn’t want Michael to actually understand what was rumbling in his head, so he really tried to seem quite casual towards the subject.

Michael rolled his eyes at the third same clarification. «You know, I was feeling a bit down due to the break-up with James, and Laurie moving out, and Heather’s accident…»

Michael slowly nodded while Matt listed things they’d already talked about on the phone the days before. But then, Matthew was one to repeat himself often, and Michael was by now used to it. He couldn’t hide the fact he was still a bit worried, just like the days before. Matt was the kind of person to keep everything to himself, just to explode in an humongous breakdown, upon hitting the point of no return.

«And you know… I’ve told you about me and Lasky’s talk the other day, didn’t I?» Matthew spoke slowly, too slowly for what Michael was used to, and it made him think that something was wrong. When Matt took his time in talking about things, it was usually because he was trying to sugarcoat it…

«Yeah, you did», Michael commented dryly, his glance sharpening. While he was stared at Matt, he searched for something, a glimpse, a movement upon his face, which would betray him and crash all that pantomime of the collected person Matthew was trying to build himself up to be.

«So I thought it would be good for both of us to just go out, have a little chit chat to distract ourselves» Michael nodded; he knew where they were headed, and he knew how that conversation was gonna end. He knew Matthew too damn well to not know what he should expect.

«But—» Matthew stopped, furrowing his brows, and Michael caught that, widening his eyes as he slowly realized he had been right.

«But?» he asked, expectant. He knew already, yeah, but Michael was looking forward to the moment where Matthew would admit it. It would be the core of all his jokes about Matthew for the next few months.

«But it felt a bit strange?» finally Matt looked back at him perplexed as he kept speaking. He placed his hand on his hip, accommodating himself on one of the kitchen chairs. «I mean, Justin was really weird, he was fidgeting, and acting really odd, he asked if we were close?»

Michael watched Matthew scratching his neck out of nervousness, and he knew something was really upsetting him. Matt was over-confident to the point he wouldn’t let himself look fragile in front of others, and if he wasn’t even trying to hide, it must be because the thing was frigging juicy.

Michael blinked a few times, chuckling, trying to come up with something to make Mathew feel a bit more at ease.

«Well,» he started, «Lasky has always been like that, reaching for people, and then pushing them away just to realize he wants them closer».

Matthew reminded himself to tell Justin to re-think his opinion about Roxxxy’s intelligence.

«He did it a few times with us both» Michael continued, turning his head a bit, as if he was reading a script beside him, trying to focus on what he was supposed to say, «he’s a weirdo, and I don’t mean that in a shady way. He’s a funny, sweet weirdo, but still a weirdo».

Matthew mumbled that he didn’t need clarification about how freakish Justin had always been. «You’re right, but he wasn’t weird like when everything has to be about Lasky, and he’s going crazy because he can’t handle stress», Michael smiled amused: it was a decent read of Justin’s personality.

«It was more like he was walking on eggshells», Matthew continued as if he was Sherlock Holmes in the middle of solving a crime and a solution was just around the corner.

Michael giggled, sing songed, «Unresolved sexual tension~» he accompanied his fluted tone by gesticulating like a conductor.

Matt kept quiet for a second. He opened his mouth, but his jaw snapped shut right after. A thought had just hit him with the strength of an avalanche. He had tried for too long to keep that thought in the most hidden part of his mind and Michael with a simple phrase made everything violently resurface. Matthew was slapped with a reality he had tried to avoid for too many years.

«What the fuck?» He blurted out, trying to seem shocked. He’d overcompensated, judging by Michael’s sardonic grin in the screen.

«Oh, come on!» Michael mocked, hushing him with a movement of his hand, «Back in the werk room, during All Stars 2, I honestly thought we would end up having a threesome. Or at the very least, you two would fuck in the bathroom—»

Matt pursed his lips, trying to mask his horrified expression. «The fuck are you saying?!» he tried again, turning his face to the side, knowing if he just matched looks with Michael again, the other would see through his act. He was already feeling naked enough in that moment. Bury me, he begged a likely non existent God.

«Toxy», Michael called in an oddly paternal way, «look me in the eyes, and tell me you never thought about fucking Justin».

Matthew kept silent, his body tensing while he tried to come up with a sagacious comeback. Too late.

«Ah-ha!» exclaimed then Michael, a winning grin upon his face, raising his arms with a joy you rarely saw outside of sports fans during the Superbowl, «Told ya!»

Matt grunted, annoyed, and it took him a moment to finally decide to face his best friend again, now beaten and unarmed, «Okay, okay, maybe I wondered few times how it would be to fuck Lasky, but that’s it, I don’t see the problem! You know I have a thing for twinks, and even though Justin ain’t one, he’s in the neighborhood… a really lanky twink»

Even Matthew himself didn’t believe what he just said. Michael’s skeptical eyes reinforced how bad at hiding it he was.

It had always been the elephant in the room. Matthew simply hadn’t wanted to address it, until Michael had pointed it out for him. Not that it had ever been a problem per se… the fact was: Matthew knew too damn well how those things would end for the worst, especially when Lasky was involved. So, many years ago, he simply tried to lock those thoughts inside his mind, far from the most conscious part of his brain, and things actually worked for a bit. They went on with their own lives, they acted like normal friends towards each other, and everything was going smooth.

So Matt thought he shouldn’t worry about such a thing from the past. Yeah, it kind of came back once they saw each other during AS2, but nothing happened and everything was fine… wasn’t it?

«Mh-mh—» mumbled Michael again with the same expression of someone who knows everything, «I know, I know, but maybe he’s thinking the same, and you know how he’s awkward in situations like these, he even admitted it».

That was an hypothesis Matthew hadn’t examined yet. They took home a twink together in the past. They did make out, and Matt simply thought that if something was supposed to happen… it should have happened already.

«What?» he asked skeptically. No, Michael couldn’t be right. Well, he was most of the time, except when he was investing too many emotions in someone casually hitting on him, but, well, when it came to Matthew, Michael was always right. Not this time, though. Uh-uh, he shouldn’t—couldn’t be right.

«When he’s bored, he gets really horny, like he hadn’t fucked in years».

Matthew stopped, looking kind of puzzled: «I don’t understand».

«You talked to him about his horrible date with that guy… what was his name?»

«Rick» Matthew answered flatly. Matthew realized how he had taken that whole situation for granted, because in the first place he hadn’t had the occasion to address… He didn’t want, ok, but thinking back about how his and Justin’s relationship developed, he remember how Justin had always had already a boyfriend, before Matt could even prompt to make something out of their… well, unresolved sexual tension. There was no point in denying it anymore.

«Yeah, you talked about his horrible date with Rick, and then you prompted him to take life more easy, and fool around, and maybe fuck someone, and he has probably taken your advice literally…»

As Michael kept talking, a sudden epiphany hit Matthew in the harshest way possible: «Oh», he commented widening his eyes, and he knew Michael wouldn’t miss that glimpse in his look, betraying him right on the spot. The same shocked expression of someone caught red-handed.

«…what’s “oh”?» Michael prompted: he hadn’t expected this conversation to go this way, and he was confused for a full second. Once he connected all the dots of their little talk and with a bewildered and amused look, a shocked exclamation burst from his lips in the funniest way possible: «Oh my god, Toxy, really?»

Matthew bit his lip guiltily, understanding he couldn’t flee the issue anymore. He shut his eyes , not wanting to face Michael’s judgement. He confessed «I may or I may not have offered him comfort sex…?»

It took Michael a moment to realize what Matthew had just said, and then he raised a hand to his face, hiding it behind his palm in disbelief and exhaustion. «How can you expect him to not act weird, when you offer him sex. You’re friends and you both seemed to want to jump to each other’s bones for years!»

«I was joking!» Matthew tried to justify himself again, pissed by the whole situation. He knew he was somehow guilty, because, in fact, he knew he wasn’t really joking that time but he couldn’t face the fact that it had actually been his fault from the beginning.

«The last time you joked about fucking your friends, we ended up having sex, and it has been weird and awkward for weeks before you got me laid!» Michael switched to a softer tone, knowing that if he kept speaking with that harsh and judgmental voice Matthew would feel attacked and shut him out.

Matthew frowned, pursing his lips. He knew Michael was right… he just didn’t want to admit it. «Yeah, because you’re a bitter and insecure bitch».

Michael opened his mouth in disbelief, seriously offended. Ok, he shouldn’t, because he knew that lashing out was just the way Matthew shielded himself. But still…

«Sorry» Matthew said quickly, realizing how harsh he had sounded, «I didn’t mean it, sorry» he repeated, assuring himself Michael didn’t really get offended, and finding a confirmation in the slight hand gesture the other one made towards him to dismiss the subject. «But, look, seriously, I don’t see the problem, we are grown men, we can fuck with each other and still be friends, it’s called friends with benefits», Matthew said it, but he knew better how casual sex with friends would not work with Justin.

Michael pouted.

«We’re talking about Lasky, you know he takes things too seriously, and he surely can’t handle a relationship based on being friends with benefits».

«We haven’t had sex—»

«—yet. And you actually shared bed with a twink» Michael interrupted.

They stood quiet for a solid minute. Michael could hear Matthew thinking behind the screen. crumbled onto his chair with a pondering expression.

«Look, when it happened between us,» and Michael fidgeted anxiously, «I spent an entire week, thinking about how it could ruin our friendship, and if we were close enough to handle things without one of us being heart-broken or wasted, and if things would be awkward after that, and luckily for us it did go well, but that’s because we knew each other for years, and we have this kind of really close friendship, that makes me realize I really don’t want a relationship with you».

A bittersweet laughter burst from Matt’s lips: «Thank you» he commented sarcastically. He knew what Michael was talking about, but he simply glossed over it. That wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.

«I love you, girl, but we’re the most mismatched pair you will ever see!» Michael joked, trying again to ease the pace of the conversation.

«I know, I know…» Matt drawled, but he didn’t really know what to think now, and he probably hid it in the worst way ever, because Michael glanced him with a worried smile upon his face.

«Seriously, Toxy, I think you should talk to him».

And Matthew knew he really should, but how can you start a conversation about having sex with your insecure friend, who’s pondering too much about the implication of being friends with benefits?And for what he knew, Justin could be acting weird because of lots of other things. Maybe he didn’t even mind that Matthew offered him sex, and he took it as a joke – as it supposedly was meant from the beginning – and now Matt was making a fuss about a thing that didn’t even exist.

No, he knew – he was sure – it was due to that thing that Justin was acting weird. He simply didn’t want to face it; he had grown so used to the thought it was a never-in-a-million-years fantasy. They both were having a good life, good work, a good… boyfriend. Then, Justin broke up with his almost – ? – fiancé, and then he himself broke up with James—well, he knew he didn’t love James in the first place. But he tried so hard to convince himself he could learn how to love him, that he really believed that.

But realizing how things exploded in just one week, and the first person he searched for had been Justin, Matthew understood how he had miserably failed to act as if that thing between them had never existed.

Maybe he should start with “you’re acting weird these days”, but he continued pondering about the matter for the whole night.

Justin avoided Matthew for three days in a row. Matt texted him few times, to ask him if he wanted to have lunch with him again, but Justin had came up with a different excuse each time. Of course, he couldn’t know that the other one was searching for him for the exact reason he was avoiding him.

“I’m going out with Cory”, “I’m hanging with friends”, “I don’t feel well”, Matthew didn’t buy any of that, but he thought that pressing Justin to talk about how awkward it had been between them during the whole week wasn’t a good idea, so he let him be. Plus, none of them was really ready to face that talk, even though both unaware of the fact that the other one was actually thinking the same.

Justin surely couldn’t avoid him forever; he knew that at some point he would have to face him, but the fact was, how can you start a conversation about… that in the first place? And what was that in the first place?

Justin had time to think. Too much time to think, actually, as if he wasn’t already over-thinking things, but he hadn’t come up with a solution yet. He didn’t really have a clue about what he was supposed to do.

He wanted to fuck Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be a better friend with Matthew. Check.

He wanted to be closer with Matthew, mostly because he should really amend to what a bad friend he had been for him in the past. Check.

How would all these things mix up together?

He didn’t even know if they were related at all. Of course they were related, but Justin couldn’t see the big picture yet. So he simply thought he needed more time to think about.

Unluckily for him, they were now in Willam’s house, he had a cup of new NA Budweiser brew in his hand – gosh, it tasted like shit – and Matthew was glancing towards him on the other side of the kitchen table.

Willam had invited all the queens he knew in West Hollywood to come and see his brand new performance, and – Justin had to admit – it was amusing, but he didn’t understand how he and a bunch – other 20 people, maybe? – ended up hanging to Willam’s house for a totally wasting after-party. He didn’t even know Matt and Will were on good terms again, so he was surprised to see his face through the crowd at the club.

He tried really hard to avoid him, and in fact they didn’t speak for the entire night; he didn’t know how he accomplished that, actually. But he did, just to end up with both of them in the same room, and the exact same awkwardness they shared when they went out for lunch few days before. Justin knew he couldn’t fake any longer. Matthew had had it – officially – and Lasky sensed that something was completely off.

Willam, who was now Justin’s focus as he tried to come up with the courage he needed to face Matthew, was kind of wasted already, his arm on Courtney’s shoulder, laughing like a donkey, dancing and shouting from upon the living room’s table. People were cheering like it was the best entertainment they’d had had in ages, and Justin wondered if that table would hold the weight of both Willam and Shane. It seemed like the most interesting thing in the world in that exact moment… and everything would be preferable to meeting Matt’s glance from the other end of the kitchen table.

Justin smiled. It actually was hilarious seeing how the other 2/3 of the AAA Girls were holding the court, but then Matthew approached him, and Justin’s smile dropped. He caught that bittersweet glimpse in Matthew’s eyes, and he knew it was due to the fact he noticed that he was the one making Justin’s mood change abruptly. Lasky felt kind of guilty. He didn’t want to make Matt uncomfortable, and it wasn’t like he was… upset with him—he simply wasn’t ready to talk about his odd behavior. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say about it in the first place. Please, follow me home and fuck the shit out of me, then we can become closer friends and everything will go smoothly? Just for a second, Justin thought it wasn’t such a bad idea.

He was that desperate.

«Hey» Matt greeted, and Lasky noticed how he forced himself to smile, resembling that same happy expression, Matthew always wore upon his face, «Hey» Justin answered, trying on the other hand to smile kindly towards him, failing miserably. He surrendered. He had to face him in that exact moment, or things would have always been too awkward between them.

Matt gave him a puzzled look, before leaning to the kitchen counter by his side, and resting his back onto it. He was looking at him, and Justin was fidgeting, continuously moving his arms, first resting them on the counter, then crossing them on his chest, and then leaving them hanging on his side. Lasky felt the other one’s glance upon himself, and he consciously knew Matt wasn’t pushing him or something like that, but… he couldn’t bring himself to rationally think that. He felt an exhausting weight dropping onto his shoulders. Matthew frowned: Justin probably wasn’t aware of how uncomfortable his expression looked, but Matt noticed and couldn’t stop himself to think it was due to his presence.

Fuck, it was unbearable.

«Feeling better?» Matt asked, he tried to start a casual conversation, just like Michael tried to make him feel at ease during their skype call.

Justin answered with a confused look.

Matthew knew that Justin had been lying, but he hoped that at least he remembered his own lie. He chuckled: «…weren’t you feeling sick?»

Oh, yeah. He was supposed to be sick, Justin realized and widened his glance caught off guard. He took time, sipping from his – awful – beer, trying to come up with a decent answer. «Yeah, now I’m fine» he lied. Again. «How’re you?» at least, he should try to make an effort to make the casual — awkward — conversation to go on smoothly.

Well, he actually started a conversation, and that was a kind of a win, even though Matthew was really the last person he wanted to talk to right now. He hadn’t fixed a thing about all the turbulent thoughts in his head, and as long as he was still confused, he didn’t really feel it was a good idea to face him.

It felt awkward, mostly because Justin knew he had avoided him for the whole week, and he was aware that Matthew hadn’t bought a single lie.

«I think we should talk» Matthew started, and Justin realized again he had no escape this time. He didn’t look at him, so he couldn’t notice how worried Matt seemed, but he couldn’t stop either from fidgeting in his own spot against the kitchen counter, with no effort in trying to hide how nervous he was. Gosh, he wanted a cigarette right about now.

He was used to fleeing problems—he was fucking good at it too, but this time he knew he couldn’t do what he always did. Because it was dragging him to the point of exhaustion, and he was worn out from all the overthinking.

«You’re acting weird… I mean, really weird, even for your standards», Matthew seemed a bit insecure of what he was talking about, as if, just like Justin, he wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation.

I already know, Justin though, sipping his beer.

«It seems like you’re really worried about how our friendship is right now, but you never did, I mean, we’re close, Justin» and Matthew tenderly brushed the lanky man’s arm, searching for the courage he needed to keep talking. He recognized how odd that was coming from such a confident person. «And we’ve always been, and at first I didn’t understand why you were walking on eggshells around me— it’s really creeping me out, and…» Matthew drawled and then stopped. He took a sip from his beer and coughed, choosing his words carefully. «I’ve talked with Michael, and I realized that it may be my fault».

Justin furrowed his brows, turning his face to the other man. He’d heard what the other one said, even replayed those words in his mind, but still, he didn’t quite comprehend the part where it was supposedly Matt’s fault. For a moment, Justin had thought that Matthew read through the lies and through him, and he couldn’t hide anymore the fact that, yeah, there was something unspoken and unresolved between them, but…

«What?» Justin asked, probably a bit too loud, because Matthew almost startled. His brows furrowed upon his face, with a look that seemed both puzzled and pissed.

How could it be his fault, since it was Justin the one tormenting himself over a thing that… maybe wasn’t even “a thing”?

Matthew raised his glance to the ceiling, keeping touch with Justin’s arms; it was somehow as if he really wanted to look at him in the eyes, but he couldn’t actually bring himself to do it. He simply thought that if he glanced him in that exact moment, Justin would have read through him and would draw conclusions without giving him the time to explain things. Justin was exactly like that.

«When we talked about you feeling beaten, because of that horrible date, I gave you advice, because that’s what good friends do, and I may have said something that made you uncomfortable», Matthew spoke slowly. It was slightly off putting, because he usually didn’t talk like that. Lasky felt uneasy again, as if he was supposed to expect bad news.

He gave Matt a puzzled look, placing his cup on the counter, and crossing his arms across his chest. His eyes bore into the kitchen table in front of him, not really watching it. Justin was losing contact with reality, retreating more and more into his head as Matthew kept talking.

«You know, I said you don’t need to grow affectionate toward people»

But he did.

«But just fool around a bit more»

He couldn’t really.

«You don’t want a relationship»

But he did want to be closer to Matthew

«And you just need to be fucked and enjoy yourself»

Yeah, he did, but the problem was he already had an idea of who could restlessly fuck him until morning,

«And I may or may not have offered you sex…»

Ah. So he meant it.

Justin suddenly regained awareness of his surroundings. Raising his glance to the other man – who wasn’t matching his look – he widened his eyes in disbelief, caught out of surprise. Ok, yeah, he really excruciated himself over that suggestion, he did, but somehow he didn’t really expect a confirmation about it. He wasn’t prepared. At all. He had examined all the different outcomes of speaking with Matthew, and that one was something that didn’t even glimpsed in Justin’s mind.

«And, look—»

But Lasky abruptly interrupted him: «I jerked off, thinking about you. Few times, actually».

God, it was a fucking relief.

…but Justin regretted it quickly, when Matthew turned facing towards him, he matched his astonished and bewildered look. Justin opened his mouth not sure of what he was supposed to say, and Matt blinked few times in his direction.

«I… spent an entire week avoiding you, because that made me frigging uncomfortable towards you» Justin started, skeptical because he didn’t really know how that conversation was supposed to end once he had begun, «and it’s not your fault, it’s me, because I’m fucking twisted and fucked up, and I couldn’t stop thinking about our relationship, and how, I think, I’ve always found you quite attractive…?» he admitted, and looking at Matt’s figure, he forced himself to not focus on that beard, which was growing more and more day by day, making him fucking sexier than he had ever been, «…and I think that’s the reason I always wanted to be closer to you, but I couldn’t push myself in doing it, because between friends things become easily awkward and weird, and I don’t want to ruin things again» he drawled, gulping loudly, realizing things as he continued to speak. So, that’s how it works when you go to a psychologist.

«I always ruin things, because I have this rotten mind of mine, which I really can’t handle, and though I really want to be fucked by you, and at the same time be a better friend to you than what I have been until now is driving me fucking crazy… I know we… we shared bed with another guy, we kissed, and touched, and everything, but I think it was since then that I couldn’t stop thinking about these things».

Once he finished, he found himself craving for water, his throat aching. He probably should have focused on the fact he literally spilled all the T in just one moment, and Matthew – judging from his look – wasn’t prepared for that, but the only thing Justin could concentrate on was the fact that he needed a fucking glass of water. He didn’t know if it was an odd shielding-mechanism or something, he simply couldn’t think about the conversation – monologue – they were having.

He avoided Matthew’s look until he finished speaking, then he faced him for the third time, unsure if he had definitively ruined everything or if he would be the core of Matthew’s jokes for the next 20 years.

Justin felt freed from a chain which was really suffocating him, and at the same time he was both worried and relieved, because speaking it out loud allowed him to draw the right conclusion to all his thought.

In the end, he needed Matthew. Not only for a one-night-stand – he couldn’t do anything for the sexual tension that resurfaced between them – he needed Matthew by his side as it had always been. And he wanted to reciprocate it, because in some crooked ways it gave him life to feel closer to him.

Justin wasn’t sure how it worked, it was something really bizarre which he couldn’t label yet.

«So—» but Justin couldn’t finish his sentence, because, while nobody was really minding them, too busy in laughing and screaming towards Willam and Courtney, who were now dancing on the couch, Matthew leaned closer, a hand tenderly caressing his cheek, the other hand grabbing the arm his fingers were gently caressing few minutes before… Justin had almost forgotten how the real sensation of those plump and full lips was, but when Matthew shut his mouth with his own, kissing him, Justin realized how reality was frigging better than fantasies.

Matt mentally appointed to himself that he should really offer Roxxxy lunch next time they would meet.

A/N2: for any suggestion, come drop by at @chykopon (:

TAG: alaska thunderfuck, detox icunt, roxxxy andrews, alaskatox, rotox, detoxxxy, just hinted btw, romcom, chykopon, ggg: girl get a grip