It’s always painful to remember that Peter Parker so badly doesn’t want to be Spider-Man and is heavily depressed due this conflict but can’t just give up or get rid of his power (something he’s proven he has the intellect to do) because of guilt and his own complex around punishing himself.

Peter loves the job, the ability to help people and right wrongs as much as he loathes it. He wants to be normal and give the role, the responsibility, to someone else but at the same time he’d never wish it on another soul.

It’s an odd case where everyone believes he wants his cakes and the ability to eat it them too but it’s more like he’s had tow cakes dumped on him and he is forced to eat the flavor he doesn’t want at the moment.

Hai!! Im not sure if youre still doing your 1k special match up! But if you are id rlly enjoy being matched up with some!! (Also congrats on 1k!! I dont interact w you alot cause i was told about you thru my friend @luvfy0dor btw love them^^ but CONGRATS!!)

-Im alright with being matched with said BSD character(s) in a romantic way!

-My MBTI is ISTP-T

- Im not a big hobby person im usually just sitting around but i really enjoy making silly crafts (such as Kandi bracelets and animals) i also enjoy mystery, romance, and light horror novels/poems! I play all types of video games varying from roblox, genshin, HSR and variants of horror games.

- I talk about just topics that come to mind; most being BSD theories like especially in the newest chpt. I also enjoy talking about my music taste with others which is also an array of sorts which include; Mitski, Mom Jeans, Lana Del Rey, The Smiths, Deftones, Limp Bizkit, ICP, Korn, Flyleaf, blink-182, The Weekend, Taylor Swift, Slipknot, CA$, Laufey, PTV, Rammstein, Radiohead p, System of a Down and more! I also talk a lot about the games i play (i specifically talk about them with friends.)

- I really like REALLY hate self absorbed people that constantly think that everything is about them and nobody else matters at all in their life, only themself. Betrayal is another big one, it doesn’t matter who it is even if me and said person are very close or distant, being betrayed is quite literally a stab in the back. POPULAR? OPINION, I HATE RANPO AND FITZGERALD🙏 something about them being real self centered gives me a big shiver down my spine. Like I appreciate Fitzgerald and his dedication for his wife and dead kid but he kinda fits in with the “self absorbed” category cause why are you gonna try destroying Yokohama for a page, like i get you wanted your daughter back and all but damn. Obsessive people (in a bad obsessive) for example; being obsessed with a real person to the point if they break apart/dont want to be associated with said person anymore they make and say disgusting/sexual and/or inappropriate things about said person that doesnt want to be associated with other person. People with horrible attitude/personality or people that make racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/incest/stepcest jokes, anyone that fits into that category of gross things is an immediate nightmare and a big red waving flag, you wont catch me anywhere near someone like that.

- My personality is pretty complicated, im really introverted but once you get to know me well id say i change to a real chatter box. At times i can be outgoing but its rare, i can be kind but also ‘aggressive’ at times. Im also pretty scattered brain especially when trying to get my point across to someone. Also again, im very passionate when its coming to certain things.

- This was a bit harder to answer cause most things i do are pretty normal but if it’s specified by the people around me im definitely more unique out of friends/family and people from my town. Specifically just my passion for the things i like, id go above and beyond to defend the things i enjoy. Also i have pretty bad health problems for my age but they are def getting better! So i guess that makes me unique too.

- Im perfectly okay with being matched with a character who commits crimes its not really a big deal to me! Id enjoy all the honest opinions 💗

- Something i value in a person is their personality. I feel like most people say personality but its a real big thing i value. I also value someone’s passion for the things they are interested in. I enjoy when people are passionate with doing/talking about the things they do/want to do. I find it charming when people are confident about that sort of thing. When it comes to personality, i dont want someone who has a bad attitude in general where it’s obvious they have bad intentions. Someone that is caring, kind, charming etc is ideal but i wouldnt mind if they had a slight attitude.

- Something i cant stand in others is when they are over confident or (going back to things i dislike) when they are self absorbed. When i say over confident, thats not me saying i hate people being confident cause i dont, i love when people are confident about themselves/things they like etc. but when it gets to the point of someone saying “im better at (insert activity) than you” or talking down on someone about their looks it crosses so many lines. Nobody should feel like they are better than anymore cause everyone is different in many ways than one. Nobody should be insecure cause of something an over confident person said. With self absorbed people, they kinda just irritate me when they are so self centered that they cant even understand basic human decency.

SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG! PLS TAKE UR TIME WHEN MAKING THIS!! AGAIN, HAPPY 1K HAVE AN AMAZING DAY/EVENING/NIGHT!!! 💗💗

((OMG RAY TOLD YOU ABOUT ME??? I AM PASSING AWAY FROM JOY))

the 1k matchup will be around for a LONG time, don't worry. thank you so much for requesting, I tried to finish this as soon as possible but I go through every single bsd character and see how compatible you are with them so it takes a while.

if I'm being for real, I'm your best matchup. I agreed with EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID except I can tolerate self-absorbed people more but it really depends. also, everybody thinks I'm introverted except for my close friends who know how much I will YAP about anything I'm interested in. I am SO passionate about certain things and I LOVE when other people talk about something that they're passionate about even if I've never felt that way about it. also, we look for the same things in people. I can skip over almost everything except for their personality but I don't tend to become close with people who don't have at least a few things that they'd defend til death because they love it so much.

however, for a bsd character, I match you with Akutagawa!!! The brother.

Have you seen how he is with Dazai? He practically worships that man. But you, his lover, are the one thing that is above even Dazai. You are the deity that he devotes his heart and soul to. He doesn't care what the topic is, he will give you his full attention and agree with every opinion. He will even try and research the topics that you love just so he can have deeper conversations with you about it. He would definitely watch all the shows you like. He will learn all the songs to all your favourite musicians and spend his rare time off analyzing them. Learning and loving you is a religion and he is the literal Pope of it. If you're in an argument with someone, even if you're wrong, he will listen to your voice instead of literally everybody else in the room. He is your number one fan, and will support you for everything that you do. He loves that you encourage him getting more into his most random interests. It makes his life happier and it's because of you. You're the reason he gets his lungs checked out often and why he's searching to heal them. He must spend as much time on Earth as possible with you. He would not bat an eye even if you asked him to get on his knees and beg for your love. He would fight wars for you, no questions asked. He's mentally ill, and he's so glad you love him despite the blood on his hands and the wretchedness of his mind and morals. He would love taking you to places, and if anyone begins to ruin your experience there, he will not hesitate to silence them unless you tell him not to. He is your guard dog and constantly worries about you when he's not around. You tell him what you're doing and where you're going before you go there so he does not get worried. Often, he apologizes to you for being so overprotective. He doesn't really like horror games that much, but he will play them if it's for you. He might even get a little scared, so expected him to be a little bit jumpy for a while. He hopes you can understand.

AHAHHAHAHAHAHHA I finally finished one of my requests! Thank you so much for putting something in my askbox dear <33

Gale Reviews: ML Season 4 Episode 3: Gang of Secret

(Spoilers below)

-So they just beat a villain, and Ladybug is acting SUS. Like she doesn't Want to leave yet. Hmm

-Chat noir YOU SLICK MOFO. (I dare not ruin it, because I am laughing at it)

-She is still not over her break up. So I guess Lukanette stans, get whatever remains of your juice while its there.

-Ladybug ... sweetie. Do you need a hug? Cause you look like you need a hug.

-Chat noir realizing his idea was NOT very smart after that.

-Ladybug ruining experiences for a LOT of couples today

-Chat noir trying to help, but Ladybug aint telling him

-They are going swimming now. Chat noir for once, is not thrilled about hanging out with Ladybug... thats a YIKES.

-She has goggles and a towel, so she did go swimming.

-The Kwami see her in pain, QUICK, TEAR DOWN THE PHOTOS.

-She said no tho, but clearly sad about it.

______________

-So Alya is giving the girl posse the rundown on Marinette. Claiming she is lovesick.

-Rose thought they were cute, and Juleka says nothing. Is it wrong that I want Juleka to have an opinion? Whether positive OR negative

-Juleka is like "Yea, he is sad." shows picture of sad Luka. Though to be fair, that is a decent pic of him.

- So Alya is LAST to know. Double ouch.

-Marinette was crying in the bathroom, baby girl no!

-MARINETTE OMG! HOW DOES SHE HAVE THAT?!

-Alya out here trying to be a good friend. By showing Marinette she has support. (She aint even mad that she was last to find out. She is more concerned about her friend)

-THEY HAVE A SECRET HANDSHAKE!

-They calling her now

-She didn't answer. She is too sad

-So she won't detransform and talk with tikki. Can I PLEASE give her a hug. She needs it.

-Yo... Marinette has zero concern for herself and only detransformed when she thought it was causing strain on Tikki.

-Mylene offering friendship bracelets. Never change dear.

-Okay so are they witches now?

-Alix is like 'Can I not be in a ritual, Id rather give her some juice'

_________________

-Marinette sad cause Ladybug can't have a boyfriend. Cause even if she dated Adrien, it would be the same as it was with Luka.... Tikki knows that aint true but can't say why. UGH! This is pain

-Did Tikki just confirm Kwami can't fall in love? NO! MY CHEESECAKE!

-OH S***! So now she gonna be Perma ladybug?!

-So the girls showed up as soon as ladybug left. This isn't good.

-And of course Marinette is TOO GOOD at making s***, so they curious about the new dollhouse

-OH S*** THAT WAS CLOSE!

-And things going to s*** in 10, 9, 8

-Oh no... this... this is not good. Marinette sweetie no. No please.

-Look can we take a second and APPRECIATE HOW HARD ALYA AND THE GIRLS ARE GOING FOR MARINETTE! Did the writers see all of the alya salt and say 'Yea f*** that noise'? Cause I feel like they did.

-Okay so I know Marinette just didn't want to expose her secret... but damn girl... THAT was harsh.

-Marinette literally going scorched earth for being Ladybug... Okay, this episode PHYSICALLY hurts me. SHE DOESNT MEAN IT GIRLS. PLEASE DONT HATE HER.

-Shadowmoth could you not. Like seriously?! COULD YOU F***ING NOT! MY BABY GIRL IS IN PAIN AND I WILL GO THROUGH MY SCREEN AND [Redacted]

-And then you'll have to f*** sideways.

-So first 5 way akumatization

-So can we talk about how the last 3 akuma were after the secrets of Marinette. well 2, but the other one was Adrien. But still. A Lot of Hawkmoth saying 'F*** this individual in particular'

-THEY JUST WANT HER TO STAY THEIR FRIEND! OMG I CANT EVEN BE MAD.

-I wish I could understand Juleka. Can someone please just translate with what she is saying. It was funny in truth, but I want to know

-OH Timebreaker and Horrificator are BACK. Yay, I missed them

-Just realized how AMAZING their Gang of akuma are. Like damn, thats like a super team of evil. Yea sure

___________________________

-Not to nitpick, but Marinette, you should have led with that box.

-TRIXX IS GONNA USE HIS POWERS OMG FINALLY! A PURE KWAMI POWER. We haven't seen that since Plagg.

-Damn that was a really boss illusion trixx. But question, how was that out of control? Like if anything, that was BETTER then when the user used it.

-Trixx makes a really good point. WHY DOES HE NEED A HOLDER AGAIN?!

-OH, HE WAS LYING. EVERYTHING LOOKS F***ING BANANAS.

-Trixx is now my second favorite Kwami.

-PLAGG! MY SON! HE IS IN THE EPISODE! I MISSED HIM. Also, surprisingly knows.

-Plagg cares about other Kwami.

-Adrien just chilling, watching tv. XD

-Timebreaker casually committing murder

-Hold it, Okay so why are so many people in school right now? Ivan is there, chloé and Sabrina? Oh my tomato son too. Can someone tell me wtf is up with this school schedule?

-Fragrance/Reflekta Power combo is amazing.

-Wow, this gang is MEGA DANGEROUS

-So yea Ladybug. Maybe... idk... TALK WITH CHAT NOIR ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS!?

-So they really gotta plan this time.

-Ladybug smart to disarm Ladywifi.

-Ladybug trying to get lady wifi to fight the akuma. This is touching

-SHE DID IT! ALYA BROKE FREE! LIKE A MOTHERF***ING BOSS.

-No, shadow moth, you's a b***

-Loving this Alya- Ladybug friendship

-Chat noir looking boss by fighting 3 akuma at once while on the phone. Chat noir Leveled up.

-So Ladybug can now pull the miraculous out of anywhere because she has guardian status. Thats a cool trick. Makes it much easier.

-Thats a secret tho, Alya got trusted with a big secret.

-RENA ROUGE IN THE HOUSE!

_______

-And Chat noir is captured... but in his defense. He did have to fight 4 at once this time. So that took longer than usual. So no shame kitty. You did well.

-Lucky charm is an inner tube

-Clever illusion. POINTS! Using the goal of the akuma to distract. Alya gets gull points!

-WOW! REALLY CLEVER ILLUSION.

-Ladybug suave catch of rose tho.

-So that was probably the best Group akuma attack since Heroes day (and honestly it probably tops it)

________

-Marinette patches things up with her friends. That is a relief. She was able to somewhat explain her issues up to the point. Without spilling the details.

-Marinette has some really good friends.

-Alya knows that not everything has been told... Hold on DONT TELL ME.

-Oh wow, Marinette is breaking down.... My poor baby girl is hurting real bad.

-OH S*** SHE SAID IT! SHE TOLD HER! SHE TOLD ALYA!

____________________________________________________________

wow this episode... This one hurt. This one hurt a LOT. But also, it was really good.

Okay so, 10/10.

I haven't been this enthralled with an episode in a long time.

Are there one or two nitpicks? Absolutely.

Do I wish somethings were not mentioned? A little bit.

Am I glad Alya knows? Out of everyone, she is the second person I wanted Marinette to tell.

(The first one being chat noir, but lets face it, we kind of knew that won't be happening for a while.)

So can Alya salt stop now? Cause Alya CLEARLY showed how much of a motherf***ing boss she is.

But damn I didn't feel this emotional since Chat blanc.

I DONT EVEN CARE THAT THE AKUMA WERE REPEATS.

That was OBJECTIVELY, one of the best episodes in the entire series.

This made me rethink my favorite episode. THATS HOW GOOD IT WAS.

Season 4, You keep doing what you are doing. Your writing (minus some very minor nitpicks) has been pretty damn good.

- haven’t watched this movie in a hot second, probably since the Blu-ray release, 2014 i think, but i adore it. I have the vhs but it wasnt one I would watch a lot idk why. Also cant really compare it to the live action cause i still haven’t watched that one 😶

- The backgrounds in this movie are lovely. American suburbs are a bit intimidating idk but i really love them here

- I love lady’s introduction so much. Such a romantic gesture to gift a puppy like that omg when will someone do this for me

- Disney just has a gift for creating animal characters. They are all so ridiculously cute and feel like real animals in the sense that they really capture how animals behave. Puppy lady following them as soon as they leave is giving me flashbacks to my own dog when she was a puppy 😭 the dog traits and behavior are just spot on

- Love lady’s character design so much. I’m not really a fan of the dog breed irl but in animation she looks absolutely stunning. Her hears? Adorable. Her eyes? Adorable? Her smile? Adorable

- “Just for today” he said, you know, like every man who doesnt want a dog but ends up loving it the most. But honestly, id let lady get the bed, shes so cute. I’d also let her wake me up at ridiculous hours but not on Sunday please lady have mercy 😭

- MY DOG DESTROYS MY MOM’S GARDEN TOO TO HIDE FOOD 😭 I just love these little details omg the animators really know dogs

- I’m sorry but “just for tonight”- cuts to lady being grown on the bed; “oh no lady still doesnt know when it’s Sunday”; and *destroys newspaper*, *cuts no newspaper with a big center hole*, “ever since lady arrived theres less tragedy on the news” are all amazing jokes. Old disney movies are so funny idk how people call them boring

- The blue colar suits her so well, SHES SO CUTE

- SHES 6 MONTHS OLD? Is that like 4,5 years?? She grows to be 15 months at least then

- Love her lil friendship group. Every dog has such a unique quirk and personality

- I’m no furry but I understand them when it comes to disney animals. Disney KNOWS what they are doing with these male animal characters design. Tramp is fine ok

- I hate the pound plot in these movies 😞 makes me so damn depressed

- Ooooohh but the baby plot isn’t better either! I know their priories changed but lady is sad so I’m sad 😭

- I do love me some good girl meets bad boy love story 😍

- Tramp is so funny but so mean 😭 poor lady

- Get yourself a man that goes into a blizzard just to satisfy your needs. Like this man is amazing

- “Doctor, its a boy!!” “Yeah i know” 😭😭😭😭

- I know this part of the story is sad but i love watching mundane human life through the perspective of their dog

- The image of Lady going back and forth with the crib is so dear to me

- I hate this Karen and her stupid cats with a passion

- Lady hasn’t been able to catch a break in such a long time… poor girl

- TRAMP TO THE RESCUE OH HES PRECIOUS

- First date to the zoo, what more could a girl want. He’s a keeper

- Bargaining with the castor 😭 tramp is such street smart fellow. Just like my mom

- He takes her to the zoo, he takes her to Italian food, HES PERFECT ok maybe hes a bit of a ladies man but hes so cute 😭

- I wanna eat at Tony’s so bad

- THE ITALIAN HAND 😭🤌🏻

- THE MOST ICONIC KISS IN MOVIE HISTORY I SAID WHAT I SAID

- Is it, or was it, an American thing for couples to sit in their cars watching the moon light?

- SHE GOT CAUGHT NOOOOOOO 😭

- THE DOGS ARE CRYING I CANT DO THIS

- Peg is one of those women that always protects other women. I love her

- The difference between fancy and street dogs is so striking, from the way the talk to the way they walk. Even their breeds. The animators go to infinity and beyond with the details

- The climax is so packed and upsetting 😭 the rat in the baby’s room, tramp getting caught, her friend getting run over by a car omg STOP. I know he doesnt die but that scene makes my heart stop everytime

- We begin with Christmas and we end with Christmas

- Man almost burned the house trying to take a photo, how far we’ve come 😭 i love watching old practices through disney movies

- Such a lovely movie. My faves usually have human protagonists but i adore disney movies about animals too. I should rewatch the sequel someday, i would watch that one all the time as a kid. And maybe even watch once and for all the live action remake.

abt the historia and zeke are technically related, it got me thinking. We get a lot of yeager bros content and im sure there’s content of frieda being hostoria’s older sister but... where’s the content of zeke being a protective big bro to historia? Feel like they can bond well since they both got dick dads

historia taking the first few steps to breaking away from the nice, submissive type everyone knows her to be. she’s not perfect and there would be times that she’d doubt herself and go back to being insecure and playing herself down. in comes zeke who met her through his mother’s side of the family and is all for that personal growth. he relates to her wanting to stick it to her father, having gone through something like that in the past. he says stuff like, “like hell they can get away talking to you like that, tell me who they are and ill give them a piece of my mind.” and “your dad can go fuck himself, you can stay with me and mom if you need somehwere to stay. mom doesnt like rod either so you’re more than welcome.”

idk idk hahah :p

...i hope you don't mind me just wirting some headcannons and scenrios real quick, because wow anon you just opened my third eye for all this potential.

Historia and Zeke family bonding modern au below cut

They probably met for the first time at large family gathering when Dina took teen Zeke to meet his relatives and one of his uncles mentioned that his daughter from his ex-wife just started living with him after moving from the country side.

He was 17 at the time, and so while the adults were busy with each other as the topic of his mother's divorce came up again, he felt too uncomfortable to stay in the room so he just excused himself to the bathroom.

Only to sneak outside the house instead, knowing all the rooms in his uncle's big mansion were probably filled with maids or other relatives and he didn't want to risk getting caught.

The back garden was beautiful, the grass overgrown and not as bright as the front yard fake lawn, it was clearly an overlooked part of the house that the gardener seemed to forget from dried crunchy leaves collecting at the bottom of the old tree.

Zeke took a breath of fresh air, before reaching into the hidden pocket of his jacket and pulling a cigarette.

He knew if his mother found out she'd kill him, not to mention his concerned grandparents, but what they don't know can't harm them.

Getting out his lighter, he was too focused on covering the flame so the wind won't snuff it out before lighting the cigarette

"You shouldn't do that, it's not good for you." Came a high pitched voice that took him off guard, almost making him drop the lighter and cause a fire hazard.

Looking in front of him, a seven year old girl stood with messy blonde hair with some leaves stuck to it, she was clutching a patch of dandelions and weeds pulled from the ground.

Putting the lighter back in his pocket, Zeke took a deep breath before slowly letting the smoke out, pushing what she said aside, he said "And what exactly are you doing with those?"

She gave a big toothy smile before explaining how she's cleaning the garden, she said "they keep stealing the other plants' food, most plants here are dead and i wanted to help."

Zeke stepped closer before leaning down to be on eye level with her, judging by the dirt staining her white dress and between her fingernails, she must have been doing this for a while. He chuckled at the way she crunched her nose at the smell of smoke, before attempting to mask her features.

Wanting to mess with her, he held the cigarette with two fingers before offering it to her, "wanna try? i won't tell your parents, pinky promise."

Audibly gasping, she clutched the dandelions to her chest protectively before stumbling to politely reject it in a way that was clearly meant not to offend him, her eyes glancing at the garden fence door like she's considering running.

Deciding to end the joke before she would yell stranger danger, Zeke put out the cigarette with an amused smile before offering his empty hand to her.

"I'm sorry for the awful joke, please don't tell my mom, will you forgive me? Pretty please?" Putting on his best pout, Zeke almost couldn't hold back chuckling when the kid in front of him seemed actually moved by his act.

She reluctantly took his hand, tangling their pinkies together before nodding, with the most serious expression she said "okay...i won't, but you have to stop okay! My dad does it and he coughs a lot."

"Your dad huh..." Zeke stared into her eyes, "so you must be Historia."

"Mhm! Do you know my dad? He said some people will be visiting today and i should stay somewhere they can't see..."

"Hmm, well Historia " standing up, Zeke pushed his glasses back, "I'm Zeke, what do you say we become friends?"

Looking up at the tall boy with stars in her eyes, Historia enthusiastically noded, too happy to dwell on the fact that her first ever friend had offered her a smoke some minutes ago.

"That's the spirit, now" taking off his jacket, Zeke folded it before putting it aside on the fence, "what do you say we finish pulling these weeds so i can teach you a really fun game called catch."

That day, Zeke dragged dirt and mud into his mother's new car with his now ruined suit, Dina was too busy scolding him that she forgot the fact he never came back from the bathroom after leaving the room.

And after that, each year at Christmas and family gatherings, Zeke and Historia would see each other for a single day.

He slowly saw her confidence grow more and more, each time she held her head a little higher, smile more genuine than the fake polite one.

At age 15, She told him about her first girlfriend, he bought her alcohol with His ID and of course she was quick to refuse it and scold him, Zeke started worrying she's starting to resemble his mother more and more.

At 16, when her father found out and threatened to kick her out, Zeke was the person she first called even before Ymir, not wanting to worry her.

To his surprise was the fact she didn't shed a single tear as she packed her bags before getting in his car, not giving a single glance to her father staring with a horrified expression from the front gate.

No, she smiled instead as both of them went to grab some food.

He asked if she knows where she's staying, she said she knows some friends but still haven't asked anyone yet.

After arriving at his grandparents house, Dina was the first to pull her into a hug before saying how sorry she is and how she just ended a call with Riess after giving him a piece of his mind.

Zeke, knowing very well how his mother is like when she's angry, he smiled knowing the guy now definitely has a headache from all the yelling, his mother has great lungs after all.

Zeke was almost 26 at the time, and so he offered her his old room while he's away in college.

They definitely grew closer after that, although Zeke never mentioned a word to his friends neither did Historia tell anyone beside Ymir.

They just never mentioned their personal life while hanging out on the days Zeke came to visit from college.

His grandparents adored her and treated her like their granddaughter after his mother moved to another country, they even met Ymir a couple times.

Zeke never talked with Ymir but he met her on the times Historia brought her over at christmas, his grandparents were quick to praise her for landing such a beautiful girlfriend before side eyeing Zeke and asking if he will ever give bring someone home.

Zeke was there for her to see her actual sad side that she hid from everyone, both of them bonded over the burden they hold on their shoulders for having to be the "perfect reliable" person all the time.

She rarely cried, but whenever she did it was either with Zeke or Ymir.

While Zeke would vent to her about Grisha and how much the fear of turning like him is what prevents him from being in a commited relationship, while Historia listens to him before sharing her own experience with both her dad and mother and how both of them just abandoned her.

After that they just go out to get ice cream.

Fun fact, Historia can handle spicey food and like it's nothing, meanwhile Zeke will choke if he even smelled peppers.

At age 20, Historia moved with Ymir in an apartment after high school and Zeke moved back home to a house near his grandparents after finishing college and opening his own clinc.

She still sends them cards each Christmas and even visits at times, Zeke picks up each time she calls no matter what he's currently doing.

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

Bodyguard Chadnico AU

This is the Second time I do this post bc Tumblr deleted the first one I hate this hellsite

This AU was based of this post

Anyways!!!!! Chaddick is the spoiled, arrogant, bratty Prince of Foxwood, and Nicholas is the grumpy, cranky, impatient bodyguard.

Nico Hates this job. He Hates having to deal with that Spoiled Brat every day.

Chad Hates his new bodyguard. Who cares if Dad says hes the best one and so is the most fit to protect a Heir????? He is so annoying and did Nobody tell him that Smiles are Physically Possible???? Or does he just have a problem in that handsome face that he isnt able to smile????

But both share one thing in common - THEYRE GAY AND SO, SO, OBLIVIOUS.

Prince Cedric is a Little Less Oblivious.

Cedric: JUST FACE IT CHADDICK YOU THINK YOUR BODYGUARD IS HOT

Chad: NO I DO NOT

So Cedric decides that if Theyre not gonna do it themselves, he should set the two up. All his attempts fail.

Nicholas kinda hates everything at this point. Except for his friend, Anadil. She doesnt take shit from anyone. She is good company. And Caleb too, but thats more because literally Any Adult That Comes In Contact With That Child Decides to Adopt Him.

No seriously. He is a Little Angel. Anyone that dislikes him is a Monster.

Nico voice// If anything happened to that kid, I'd kill everyone in this castle and then myself.

Mood, Nico. Mood

Nothing Happens to Caleb tho

Id never introduce such a cinnamon roll to then make him suffer ok

IM NOT SOMAN

Nico and Chad go on that "Spoiled Prince vs Guard Who Aint Having None Of That Shit" fashion until...

PIANO LESSONS!!!!!

Chad has to take them. But he Sucks. Seriously.

Nico feels like his ears are being Brutally Assaulted Every Single Time.

So one day he's had enough. And decides to Act Out the way hes feeling.

Chad scoffs. "As if you could do any better.",

"Watch me" Nico snaps. Then he sits down. And plays Wonderfully. Like, Scalping-Chad-Via-Piano Wonderful.

So that makes Chad loose his sleep a bit.

So he decides to Make Nico Teach Him.

And at first Nico is Very Angry abt this. But he does so anyways.

So Every Night they play. And at first Nico is a very grumpy and bossy teacher, but with time, things better. Maybe because Nico actually Likes playing for Chad, although hed never admit it. Perhaps it is because of the looks of admiration and awe he always gets. Probably that.

And also bc being Closer to Nico has made Chad change a bit too. Hes less Bratty and Arrogant. He's just becomig a kinder, better person in general.

And one night...

"Think I'll have a break" Chad says, and stands up, leaning on the piano tail. Nico sits down and starts playing.

And Chad just watches him play, the moon's silver light cast over him contrasting with the warm, yellow glow of the candles. It was nice to watch him play, even if it was only by the way his expression softens and the hint of a smile that plays on his lips whenever he is playing. He wonders what Nico's smiles actually are like. Probably not much of a bright smile. More of a serene smile.

And Chad only realizes the Gay has Hit him as Gently as a Train On Max Speed when he feels his cheeks going hot. Fuck. Is he blushing too???

And then Nico stands up,

And now theyre so close, oh God, Oh Fuck,

And Chad really wants to kiss him but he doesnt know how or when or-

Nicholas kisses him. It is nice, soft, gentle kiss.

It doesnt last long as Nico realizes what he's done.

Chad doesn't give him time to wonder if he's overstepped or not, because he grabs him by the waist and kisses him back.

And when they break away again, Nico is smiling. A genuine smile. It is the first time Chad has actually seen him smile.

And Chad was right. It is a serene smile. Not bright with teeth. Just a calm, a bit subtle, but still, a smile. Chad thinks it is lovely.

"Youre actually smiling." He says. Then he smirks. "Should I call a doctor?"

"Shut up"

"I can schedule you a therapist-"

"Oh, cut it out," Nico snaps, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. But he never stops smiling. Chad is Sure he's heard a giggle.

After a few days, Cedric finds abt that kiss. He decides he can finally die in peace.

And so Chad and Nico start dating. In Secret, but still Dating.

But one thing comes in their way. Chad ends up in an arranged marriage with Princess Beatrix of Jaunt Jolie.

However, Bea is a Lesbian, and is Dating Her bodyguard, Reena.

Seriously??? For Reatrix it was Love At First Sight. 3 days into the job theyre kissing. By the time the arranged marriage happens, they had already started planning to elope and get married in secret.

So Bea and Chad decided to work together to Sabotage The Wedding.

Sadly it doesnt work. One has never seen a couple looking so miserable during a wedding when the day comes.

HOWEVER! When the priest goes "does anyone object-"

Reena and Nico stand up at the same time and start talking over each other. When they realize What is going on they change to "oh no you-" "-oh please go on-" "-oh after you-"

After some minutes of that Reena talks first. And she doesnt have the time to Finish her Passionate Declaration because Bea is already rushing from the altar to jump into her arms.

Nico is more direct. He Marches into the altar and kisses Chad Right There.

This causes enough upheaval for the Wedding to be Called Off.

But yknow what??? Bea is Already in a Wedding Dress so she decides to marry Reena right there. It is a Beautiful wedding. Chad is Absolutely Sobbing.

A few weeks later he and Nico get married. It is also a great wedding. Cedric is Chads best man. He is crying like a child at the wedding. And so is Chad. By the time he can say "I do" he's sobbing.

Aaaand thats it for the Main plot!!!!! Here are some cameos that should make it to the fic if I write it:

Tagatha has a cameo!!!! Tedros is the Also Spoiled Bratty Prince, hes Heir to the Throne Of Camelot. And similar to Chaddick, he also is in a predicament of being-attracted-to-his-bodyguard-that-he-also-hates: Agatha. First appearance is Teddy paying Chad a visit and them bitching abt the bodyguard ordeal to each other lmao. Tho one week after Reatrixs wedding Tedros comes to a visit again. And Chad catches them kissing behind a pillar.

Hestadil!!!! Ani is a guard and Nicos friend. Hester is Ani's girlfriend, and although she doesnt work at the castle, she pays Ani a visit sometimes. Shes a hunter. Also Dot is their roommate, and she sells chocolate (thought itd be a nice tie to her special talent in canon sjsjdj)

And Nicphie!!!!! Sophie is Princess of Gavaldon, she makes a cameo during the wedding along with her girlfriend Nicola.

Yara is a guard at Foxwood, and Kiko is a maid And her girlfriend. (My dumbass only thought of that 14 hours after posting this so I had to edit to make the change 😔)

So yeah thats pretty much it lmao skdkdkfm

I originally wanted to make it into a Comic but Idk if I have the skill to do so??? So I think I'll only write it But I Might end up making some short comics based on it idk

Come he’ll or high water is excellent can you please write more I love it 🥰 please thank you 🙏🥰🥰🥰👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Claire comes back to the past with Brianna and arrives at Helwater looking for Jamie—but must confront the Dunsanys first.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven

Come Hell or Helwater - Part Eight

Rain pattered against the window while Brianna sat at the table in the corner with Isobel working through a set of simple mathematics problems. She didn’t have the heart to tell Isobel that she’d mastered both multiplication and long division two years prior. Instead she worked her way through them slowly, allowing herself the fun of observing the others in the room while they thought she was thoroughly engrossed by the numbers on the page.

Brianna had found soon after her arrival at Helwater that she couldn’t help but like Isobel—she couldn’t have borne pretending she was so far behind in her studies otherwise. But Isobel’s sweetness could become grating if not for the presence of her sister, Geneva. It was Geneva who knew exactly how to push Isobel’s agreeableness to the brink, to coax a few less-than-kind remarks out of Isobel—and then offer reassurance that she hadn’t been so unkind as to require begging anyone’s pardon.

There was more to Geneva that Brianna found mesmerizing, however. Quiet moments when she managed a glance at the older girl and it was clear Geneva didn’t realize she was being watched. In those moments she looked the way Brianna had felt when Mama and Daddy had told her the great and terrible Truths of her life—first, that Daddy wasn’t going to live with them anymore, he was going to live with his special friend, Sandy, and, just a short time after that, when her mother informed her that Daddy wasn’t her “real” father. From what Brianna could tell, it was partly Geneva’s parents who were causing her to look that way, but not because they were breaking up. No, the lady Geneva was going to be married soon and anyone could see she didn’t want to get married.

But that was why there were beginning to be so many extra people at the estate. They were guests visiting for the upcoming wedding. Several older relatives of the Dunsanys had taken to sitting with Lady Dunsany in the main sitting room while the younger guests preferred to gather in the drawing room. It was in the adjoining library that Isobel was giving Brianna her lessons but the door was kept open so Isobel might pop in and make her necessary appearances every so often. Brianna thought Isobel perhaps preferred the quieter library to the group in the drawing room.

Brianna enjoyed peeking up at them through the doorway. She could only see a portion of one setee and a fragment of the floor to ceiling windows behind but Geneva was partial to planting herself on that setee and as the bride to be, she frequently had company beside her—usually one of the two British soldiers who had startled her mother in the forest that day they’d arrived. The younger of those two often turned to glance through the same open doorway at her, which always made her flush and look down at her paper. Or was he looking at Isobel? Brianna peeked up to see Isobel looking flustered as well, no doubt aware of the soldier’s piercing gaze.

Even if Brianna could convince herself that the young man was paying his attentions to Isobel, all it took was Geneva seeing her sister’s blush to throw a wrench in Brianna’s plans of going unnoticed.

“Isobel,” Geneva called rising from the setee and floating to the door. “Aren’t you going to join us? As the sister of the bride it’s part of your duties to help me entertain my guests,” she teased with a playful giggle and glance over her shoulder. “John, Hal, won’t you help me coax Isobel into joining us?”

Isobel sighed but smiled at Brianna before pushing herself up from her chair at the table. “You’re doing wonderfully,” Isobel assured her. “Keep working on this set of problems and I’ll be back shortly to check your progress.”

Brianna nodded and then watched as Isobel glared at her sister who stood in the doorway with a satisfied grin on her face.

“Really John, you must ask Isobel about her latest obsession with playing governess,” Geneva continued, the conversation still drifting in for Brianna to overhear since the door between the rooms remained open. “It’ll be something to keep her occupied when she no longer has me around to entertain her.”

Isobel spoke too quietly for Brianna to hear but from Geneva’s subsequent, “Oh come, I’m only playing,” she assumed the young lady had rebuked her.

“It is the curse of younger siblings to always be tormented by the older,” John remarked, lightening the mood even as he too scolded Geneva.

Brianna set her pencil aside and leaned forward over the table, straining to see if she could catch a glimpse of them but they must be standing near the fireplace. The rain outside was unrelenting in a spring that was already slow about taking root. That was one of the things about this time that Brianna found most frustrating and quietly terrifying—how cold it was without proper, modern heating and how afraid she was that she would get too close to the hearth or that she’d knock over a candle and go up in flames.

“I know Isobel’s attempts to improve the poor child arrive from the best of intentions,” Geneva assured the others and Brianna could hear the eye roll in her tone. “I just think that when it comes to the staff and their families, it’s not our place to interfere. They have their lives and we have ours.”

“And the fact that their livelihood depends upon our whims doesn’t matter?” Isobel challenged more vocally, clearly surprising the others.

Brianna rose from her seat and tiptoed closer to the door to hear better and maybe sneak a better angle through the door so she could see them while remaining hidden in the shadows. If she was truly lucky, there’d be a mirror on one wall that would let her watch their reflections—she couldn’t remember if there was a mirror in the drawing room though.

“So long as they’re paid for their services, I’m not sure I understand to what you might object,” the older one—Hal, Geneva had called him—said gently.

“They require decent pay to support their families,” Isobel agreed, “and sometimes they’re compensated in other forms—for instance, housing or their meals—but what about their other needs, especially for their children? Is it not our duty to guide them towards being productive members of society where their parents are either lacking the means or the opportunity?”

“And what makes you think the Mackenzies are lacking the means and opportunity?” Geneva countered. “Did you ask them if they wanted it when you asked for their permission? Shall we ask the little lady now?”

Brianna panicked for a moment as she heard Geneva’s footsteps crossing toward the door but her instincts quickly kicked in. She started walking for the door herself and nearly collided with Geneva.

“Sorry,” Brianna muttered, backing away. “I was just coming to ask Miss Isobel if she might excuse me to go help my mother. Miss Isobel should be spending her time with your company, not with me just now.”

“I don’t mind at all, really,” Isobel insisted but Geneva made a dismissive gesture, keeping her eyes on Brianna.

“The child is quite right, don’t you agree, John? It’s terribly rude of Isobel first to ignore your presence and then to ignore her young charge’s. If she had a nursemaid, we might turn her over to so she doesn’t inhibit her mother in her work. Should we engage one for her, Isobel?” Geneva asked, looking over her shoulder at her sister. “Would that be more of the means and opportunities that our hired servants are lacking? I suppose we’ll just have to keep an eye on her ourselves then. Come child,” Geneva turned back to Brianna with an overly sweet smile. “Join us in the drawing room and we’ll try not to bore you too terribly.”

Brianna stood her ground, staring expressionlessly at Geneva.

“Geneva…” Hal said quietly, stepping toward her.

“Quiet little thing, aren’t you,” Geneva murmured, her attention still fixed on Brianna. “Do you speak at all?”

“I’m ten, not two,” Brianna replied, unamused even as the color began to rise in Geneva’s cheeks. “And my mother always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’d rather spend my time somewhere I can have a conversation. Thank you, Miss Isobel, for the lesson. I’ll see myself out.”

Brianna kept her ears pricked for their reactions as she turned on her heel and went to the table to retrieve her things before exiting through the door at the side that led to the servant’s passage and from there down to the kitchen. She heard one stifled chuckle (Hal) and Isobel’s gentle, “You were the one who provoked her.”

The sound of a slight commotion drew most of the others back into the drawing room—a footman announcing the arrival of another guest.

“Daniel,” Hal exclaimed in joy. “It’s a miracle you made it in this weather. You ought to have stayed at your inn until it cleared.”

“If he did that he might not have arrived in time at all,” Geneva declared, brushing away the awkwardness of being put in her place by a ten-year-old girl. “The way it looks now it could rain through the next fortnight and my wedding’s one week away. He knew I’d never forgive him if he wasn’t here.”

“Always said Gordon was like a brother to me so I see it as my brotherly duty to make sure everything stays on schedule,” a new voice chimed in.

“Well you might’ve been as a brother to Gordon but you’ve hardly been a brother to either of his sisters,” Geneva objected with a laugh. “You haven’t written a word to either Isobel or myself in over a year.”

Brianna snuck one final peek through the door to the drawing room.

John, the soldier who had come walking through the field with her mother that day, was the only one watching her as she made her exit.

“Bree,” Claire gasped as her daughter barged into the cottage, dripping wet from her brief run through the rain from the main house. “For heaven’s sake, what are you doing here? I was going to fetch you back after your lesson was finished. You’re soaked to the bone.”

“Well you might wind up back there later treating their latest guest. Sounds like he rode a ways through the rain and I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes down sick from it,” Brianna said, shaking her hair like a wet dog.

“Sassenach,” Jamie called from the cottage’s back entrance. “Do ye have anything hereabouts we could eat? Thought it might be nicer to have our midday meal alone together rather than trek through the muck to the main house. And as Bree’s occupied there with Miss Isobel…”

Claire cleared her throat loudly soon after he began and spoke over him, “We’re in here, Jamie. Bree’s just got back too. We hadn’t addressed the subject of lunch yet.”

Jamie came around the corner, his face pink and dripping with the rain that had soaked his hair.

“Bree,” he said with a smile. “Is it wet enough for ye out there? I ken I must look and feel like a half-drowned cat.”

“Well it is raining cats and dogs,” Brianna remarked without enthusiasm.

“Why don’t you fetch some dry things from your trunk and change in our room,” Claire offered.

“I suppose we won’t be using it after all,” Jamie whispered in her ear as he brushed a kiss against Claire’s cheek.

“I had brought a leftover side of ham from the house after tending the cook the other day,” Claire continued, ignoring Jamie, “and there’s cheese I had set aside as well. We’ll see what kind of meal we can make with that and maybe it will let up enough tonight for a larger meal with the others at the main house.”

When Brianna had closed their bedroom door behind her to change, Claire turned into Jamie’s arms and stood on her toes to give him a kiss.

“When the wedding’s over and their guests have gone home, things will calm down enough that we’ll have a little more time for ourselves,” she whispered, pulling away from him as his hands drifted down to her backside. “Not just the two of us, but the three of us.”

“Except for when we have time just the two of us to get back to work on making that three of us into a four, aye?”

“Aye,” Claire smiled and blushed. “Though by my watch we’ve spent a fair bit of time working at that already.”

Summer Rain

Warnings: minor alcohol mention, Deceit is mentioned but he’s not really a bad guy, he just trips over everything a lot. I guess kinda age gap? Roman is 28, Logan is approaching 35.

Ship: Logince

Plot: Logan runs into a young man that loves to interrupt his reading time, against his will he’s managed to make a friend. Slowly as he begins to learn the boundaries of his own soul, he thinks he might see more than friendship along the way. 

The turn of pages in a book could be the symbolism for Logan’s current existential dread, but he’s paying more attention to how the pages feel under his fingertips than the reason he’d needed the book in the first place. Approaching thirty-five years old, the professor was not completely unaware of how his family talk about him, he’d been single for most of his life because he’d chosen to be, he didn’t find much interest in searching for love or finding “The One,” like his parents had been nagging him too for years. 

Unfortunately, he was thirty-four years old, single, unmarried and his parents wanted him to be. And having put down the phone less than half an hour ago he’d launched his own mind into a spiel of whether he was failing at his own life. In much more simple terms, Logan was panicking that his purpose in life was to find love and he didn’t want to. It’s his firm belief that if it truly is his purpose then it should find him because he has far more important things to do like teaching college students about the field of medicine and also drinking whiskey at 10PM whilst marking test papers. Every time a student writes something that makes him want to ask if they’d actually listened for a second, he takes another shot. 

It’s not that Logan is lonely, okay maybe he is just a little bit lonely. He’s all the way out in Florida whilst his family lives in another state and he’s never bothered to make friends but he’s thirty-four and he’s lonely. 

The kicker is that Logan isn’t sure if he does want to be not-lonely, he’s almost certain he doesn’t want to fall in love and even more certain that he doesn’t want to make friends. He blames his parents for guilting him into having emotions. 

A cup of coffee is placed down in front of him and he uncrosses his legs on the comfortable cafe seat before looking up to thank the man who placed it down. He frequents this cafe so often that he knows everyone by name and face. There’s Virgil, a skinny young man who looked like a teenager going through a quarter-life crisis, despite being twenty-five. There’s Patton, who runs the cafe, who smiles and everyone and gives out free homemade cookies to children. Then Declan, a man who was terrible at lying when Logan asks him “Did you put milk in this?” and trips over his own feet every five minutes. 

But this face was new. He had long brown hair pulled back into a bun, dark brown eyes and was possibly the only person of the workers of the cafe that A) Was wearing glitter and B) didn’t look like they had a Vitamin D Deficiency. That’s to say that he had a tan and wasn’t so pale he was translucent (Virgil) or looked like he hadn’t been outside in about four weeks (Patton, Declan). 

And he was talking. 

“...I hope that’s okay for you, I was told no milk so I thought I should ask if you wanted a milk replacement because we have Soya, Almond and Coconut milk and...” He was talking a lot. Logan was wondering if there’s a socially acceptable, or kinder way, to say shut up before he stops. 

“I just like my coffee black,” His tone sounds a lot harsher than intended but the waiter only smiles in return, Logan supposes he’s had ruder patrons in this cafe. 

“That’s also fine! I just wanted to make sure,” The ebony haired man finds the name tag that reads ‘Roman’ and decides to make up for his rudeness. 

“Thank you...Roman, I appreciate your willingness to make your customers feel comfortable,” He offers a tight smile before looking down at his book, with every intention to continue reading. Roman, however, seems to have other ideas. 

“What’re you reading?” It’s rare that anyone willingly talks to Logan, even (especially) people who know him, even Patton, the happy go lucky owner of the sho understood that the man was not one for bounds of conversation. It seemed that Roman had not quite grasped this yet but Logan was sure in due time he would. 

“It’s a study of how psychological effects of the mind can cause illness in the body, IE why people who are mentally ill can be more prone to physical illness, the short answer is stress lowers the immune system, but I’m a Doctor so I find everything behind it more fascinating,”

“You’re a Doctor? Woah that’s so cool,” The blue-eyed man blinks, having never quite received that response as the man looks like overly excited by the information. “I’m a student, a little late on the uptake but I study Performing Arts, that’s not quite as important as what you do though,” Logan takes a moment to consider the other’s words before he decides he does actually have something to say about that.

“I think you’re undermining the value of Performing Arts if you think that, whilst yes I train people who will go on to save lives, art as a medium can do more than perhaps you realize, in my line of work I had met many people who have been through times that medication could not save them, but art had,” He takes a breath as Roman waits patiently for him to continue “In fact it’s something mentioned in this book, mental illness, and art is quite often linked, many people who pursue art as a career or hobby find it greatly improves their mental health to have an outlet, plus a world without performance would be rather drab, don’t you think?” 

“I...uh...yeah,” Roman replies quietly, looking down at his hands before turning his head towards the counter “I’d love to talk some more but I should probably get back to my work,” He pulls on his bright smile again, “Enjoy your coffee!” Logan watches him walk away and he would be lying to himself if Roman, albeit initially irritating, hadn’t intrigued him a little. 

By the end of the day he’d forgotten all about him, however. 

“Mind if I join you?” Logan peers over his book  to the newcomer, who was dusting flour off his apron “This ones on the house,” A cup of coffee was placed in front of him with a caramel cookie “Consider it a peace offering for interrupting your reading but I’ve got a break and you’re...handsome,” He wonders if he physically recoiled from the statement as he lowers the book because Roman smirks at him. Oh, he’s blushing, that’s why he’s smirking. Logan internally groans but accepts the cookie. 

“Be my guest, it doesn't look like I’ve much say in the matter,” It would, after all, be rude after he’s just bought him a coffee and a cookie. Roman isn’t that irritating after all, he looks permanently like a lost puppy but his voice isn’t unpleasant to listen too (By the end of the hour-long break, Logan might have something else to say on the matter). 

He absently listens to the other talk which is mostly complaining, but Logan finds himself chuckling as the other man talks, despite his concentration being predominantly on his book. He doesn’t reply, but Roman can tell he’s listening with the small half-smiles and nods of his head, and honestly, that was enough for him. 

It becomes a habit, Logan’s reading time interrupted with Roman collapsing in the chair opposite with a cup of coffee and a cookie. Somewhere along the line, Patton had simply put a cookie aside for Roman to gift the other man, with a shake of his head and a wide smile (”Roman you’re not wasting two dollars a day for a cookie I’m happy to give you for free,”). 

Somewhere along the line, Logan actually stopped being mildly irritated by the other’s presence. He wondered absently if this is what friendship felt like. 

“It’s raining, in August!” Roman doesn’t even ask anymore as he places down the coffee and the cookie and flops into the chair opposite him “It’s Summer Logan! It shouldn’t be raining, what’s worse is that it’s still unbelievably humid,” Logan snorts and lowers the book. 

“Nice to see you too Roman,” He reaches over for his coffee and takes a sip before he looks out the window. It was indeed raining, it pattered against the window gently like a wave ‘hello’ from a stranger. Logan’s attention turns to the rain as he watches it slide down the windows and turn into silver by the sunlight that hits the streets. “It’s hardly unsurprising, currently climates all around the world are displaying unusual and worrying habits, however, a little bit of rain on a Friday evening will not do you any harm,”

“It’ll do my flawless hair some harm,” The other mutters before pulling the bobble out of his hair and letting it unravel from where it had been held captive. He runs a hand through it before pushing it to one side. “My hair gets so frizzy in wet weather it’s not even remotely funny,” He sighs dramatically, letting out a ‘humph’ as he rests his elbow on the arm of the chair.

“Your reaction is certainly amusing,” Despite himself, Roman smiles. The elder takes a moment to look at the man, sporting a white shirt rolled up and tucked into black skinny jeans, a pastel pink apron tied around his waist. Logan catches himself smiling just a little as the other falls into quiet and watches the summer rain, hair falling over his shoulders and sunlight highlighting his tanned skin. 

It’s scary how Logan actually acknowledges this man is attractive. He’s scared, he doesn’t like that situation, he doesn’t particularly like that unbeknownst to himself he’d started to enjoy Roman’s company and genuinely look forward to him plopping down on the chair opposite him and ranting about how clumsy Declan is. He doesn’t like it because it’s new and scary but he’s also not the sort of person who's ever let fear stop him from doing completely irrational things. “Roman?” The other looks up and meets cerulean eyes with a tired smile “What time does your shift finish?”

Logan’s idea of a date is not something Roman has ever recieved. For one he didn’t think he’d ever enjoy sitting in a museum until Logan starts talking. And then he doesn’t stop talking. In fact, Roman is 100% sure he’d never heard the blue-eyed man talk so much and so fast and so...alive. It’s like he held in the keys to the Universe and now he was spilling them out. Roman understood that this was important to him. 

So he listened to him talk about the things there, about the history and interesting, Logan talked about the impact of these machines and how they worked, with the art industry. It dawned on Roman that Logan had brought him here to learn more about his own craft and it’s history, as well as showcasing just how much Logan loved how things worked. 

They were both treading on new territories here. Logan, having never really experienced a need to move into a more romantic area of his life was for one, finding this all very disorientating but exciting. Roman, who’d never met a man actually willing to try and ‘woo’ him so to speak, was completely enthralled and hanging off every word that left the elder man’s mouth. 

Logan gave him flowers. 

Roman hugged him. 

Then they parted ways at the end of the night, knowing that Roman would be interrupting Logan’s Friday morning reading before he goes off to work. (Logan had noticed that Roman’s breaks were not consistent anymore, they weren’t at the same time, he was literally taking these breaks at those times so that he could interrupt his reading. He can’t tell if he’s endeared or whether he should be reprimanding the other for not being more sensible)

Logan is invited, along with Patton, Virgil and Declan to attend Roman’s performance at the end of year showcase for the University he attends. He spends an hour trying to understand what he’s supposed to where and even goes as far as Googling “What do you wear to attend performances?” In the end, he settles on a dark blue shirt and black slacks, hoping for the best. He meets the other three in the most awkward and longest amount of time they’ve spent together. Virgil is wearing the hoodie he constantly refuses to take off, but has exchanged his usual black t-shirt for a black dress shirt, with his eyeliner a little bit neater than usual. 

Declan was wearing green, in a variety of shades and Logan is no Art Historian, but he was sure the industry didn't go through centuries of adaptation for Declan to wear that. He decides to bites his tongue on the matter however as the boy is already pre-occupied trying to balance two large drink cartons and the biggest bucket of popcorn any of them had ever seen.

Patton was the only one that seemed to have tried to dress up for the occasion, wearing a blue dress that fanned out around his knees and his curly brown hair pinned back from his face. Logan wondered how he managed to get the confidence to wear it, and honestly, he’s a little bit jealous even if in day to day life it wasn’t really a practical garment that he would wear. “Hey, Logan!” Patton exclaims “Are you excited? I’m excited!” 

“Thrilled,” Virgil mutters under his breath “I’m mostly here for the food, not gonna lie,” Logan bites back a smirk, well aware from the constant bickering he hears between the two that Roman and Virgil do not often get along. Patton pouts and Virgil sighs “Fine! I’m a little excited to see tall dark and annoying perform,”

Declan is eating popcorn straight from the bucket and simply looking between the three of them “D! Are you eating the popcorn,?” The bubbly young man finally frowns and the atrociously dressed young man blinks like a deer caught in the headlights, mouth full of popcorn. 

“...No?” 

The three of them bicker a little and Logan simply sips his drink and watches with an amused smirk. Despite being colleagues they appeared more like a slightly mismatched family or strays that Patton had picked up off the street. 

“Come on guys, we’re gonna miss it!” Virgil finally says exasperatedly. “And now I have a migraine, I’ve not even seen him perform yet,” (It turns out, Virgil had actually bought aspirin along, and somehow this act of pre-meditated annoyance, amused Logan more than anything else thus far in the evening).

Logan’s glad he didn’t miss it. 

Roman as a person was enigmatic, full of life, he followed his heart and his dreams and these were all things Logan didn’t particularly understand but he admired anyway. Roman on stage? Performing? It wasn’t often that the elder man came across situations where he was emotionally charged, but he almost forgot how to breathe the moment Roman opened his mouth and sang. 

Patton had noticed the other’s expression, lips parted in shock and eyebrows furrowed, but it wasn’t until Roman had reached a song so full of sadness and Logan’s eyes welled up with tears that he reached over to place a comforting hand on the other’s arm. “He’s really good isn’t he?” The elder nods and wipes his eyes, wondering why he’d never heard Roman sing before. He wishes he could listen to him sing all day every day. 

 (One day he might get that wish)

After the performance, Roman greets them and Patton hugs him, tells him he was wonderful but he really has to go now because his husband has just got home. Virgil tells Roman he “Did alright, I guess,” but smiles before he’s dragging Declan out (Who still hasn’t finished his popcorn). Which left the two of them. 

“Have you been crying?” Roman asks, a worried look on his face as his hands come up to Logan’s face and slides his glasses up slowly. It’s a strange form of intimacy that the ebony haired man is unsure he’s ever experienced before. He nods anyway and his hand comes up to Roman’s as it’s falling. 

“Don’t ever give up Roman, you’re so unbelievably talented,” And the younger has heard those words so many times from so many different people with when Logan says it, it sounds real. Maybe it’s the way his eyes are so full of emotion, or the way he’s holding his hand but his words make Roman feel stronger than ever. 

“I won’t,”

They leave together, stood outside. “It’s raining again,” Roman sighs, pulling his hair up into a bun, Logan watches and feels for the first time perhaps why people had so deeply wished for him to open his heart up a little. Oh god, I’m falling in love. Roman smiles as the rain patters against his skin, washing glitter against his cheek, under the streetlights he sparkles more than a thousand spotlights. “My flat’s just around the corner? I don’t know how far you have to go...” Logan’s panicking, for the first time in his life he’s truly scared and it shouldn’t be so scary but he doesn’t know what to do. He isn’t sure if he’s supposed to read between the lines or if there’s more Roman’s asking of him, he wished he’d paid more attention to how people react in social situations. “Hey you don’t have to...come, you look like I’ve just murdered your mother,” Roman’s hand is in his and there’s a smile so warm on his lips. 

His brain quiets a little. 

“I’m not well-advised in these situations Roman, I’ve never...done this before, I've never even really had a friend before,” He pauses “I’ve never courted another man, never been in a relationship and I’m confused, because I’m unsure if you’re asking me to come back to your flat because I live on the other side of town and it’s late, or if there’s something more you’re asking of me,”

Roman goes very red when the message finally drops “Oh! No! I mean, not that I wouldn’t like too!” He lets out a squeak as he tries to organize his words “One day, it’s just right now I’d prefer to just...not, I was offering for a place for you to sleep, nothing more or less,” A sigh of relief escapes Logan and he nods. 

“Then yes, I would like to go home with you,” Roman smiles, their hands stay interlocked. Logan stays the night in an apartment filled with certificates and medals and strange costumes that are all in a mysterious wooden box. It feels cozy, but he sleeps on the couch. There are some things he needs more time before exploring. 

Logan and Roman are apparently built out of patience for each other. Most men, six months into flirting with another guy would probably have given up on a prospective relationship by now. Luckily, Roman understood that Logan needed his time and headspace to explore his feelings. Logan’s patience came from the fact sometimes Roman would not stop talking and at this point, he’s just learned to accept that this is the way he is, and honestly, he’d only be annoyed if it were anyone else. 

Patton, who is becoming their number one stan, is perpetually gossiping about the two and saying “He can’t wait for the day for his children to fall in love,” Virgil points out that that’s probably something you shouldn’t say in public around people who aren’t going to understand, and also Logan is five years older than him. Patton gives Virgil a cookie and tells him he’s smart. 

Logan comes back after work to see Roman, as the cafe is closing up he leans against the window with his book open and begins to read absently whilst waiting for the other to finish cleaning up. He feels a tap on his hand and looks up to see the long-haired man beaming at him as he allows himself to be pulled into a hug. Folding the corner of the page and sliding the book into his bag the two began to walk. And Roman talks. Logan listens. 

The two come to a stop outside the cinema after about fifteen minutes of meandering the city streets “So what film do you want to see?” And Roman is right in front of him, blinking up with wide brown eyes with a stray piece of hair falling loosely from its clip. Not for the first time, Logan’s brain short circuits but his hand moves of its own accord as it tucks the stray piece of hair behind Roman’s ears. The younger smiles the warm and soft smile that’s generally reserved for the other man. 

“I’m not sure,” he finally responds “Whatever you’d like, Roman,” They end up watching a rom-com and Logan hadn’t expected less from his friend at all. WHen they leave the cinema though, Logan thinks back to all of the similar movies he’s watched and never understood, then he looks at Roman and thinks that he finally does. The evening is well on its way as stars litter the sky and the summer rain makes it’s uses in the night time warmth. Logan meets Roman’s eyes. I am so in love. 

He kisses him. Gently, holding his hands and feelings his  fingertips intertwined with his own. He kisses him like he has no idea what he’s doing but at the same time, like he’s just discovered a secret he’d hidden from himself. Roman kisses him back with a smile on his lips and his skin soft under the other man’s hands. It’s a gentle kiss, it’s quick but it does say what Logan’s extensive vocabularly could not have done. 

“I love you,”

“I love you too, Logan,”

((This fic took me an entire day to write I shit you not))

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Episode 11 - “i am the balrog elder gay” - Kait

i am the balrog elder gay 

Losing Chloe BROKE ME. listning to Bye Bye mariah carey and crying!!! this is for the people who just lost somebody... SHOOT. I wanted her to blurt out more of her votes in tribe chats. RIP. a fallen Goddess...

SWEET BABY JESUS I GET A SECOND LIFE IN THIS GAME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! OMG I LOVE THE LAGOON RN! BUT HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN RETURN BECAUSE I HAVE A FEW PEOPLE TO STRIKE BACK AT.

I’m so dumb, completely missed the voting deadline, in my defense i was teaching, but still. Never again, its merge (maybe) and im not gonna jeopardise my game like that.

I'm glad we merged but two people are returning to the game? This has been the most cracked game I have ever played.

Renee and Chips have a chance to return. Between the both I hope Renee comes back. She was an ally for me and most probably work together again.

Go rennee!

---

boo chips

MERGEMERGEMERGEMERGE!!!! glad my zodiac sign is known for being loyal cause I sure ain’t. 

This challenge is always weird but i think if people tell me the truth i may have cancelled out some of my stuff im getting. M&M&M are good standings hopefully. I also trust kait thomas and timmy. Hopefully i can make itndeep in the game.

---

This challenge was a total meh i guess this works. Hopefully i win immunity. If not hopefully im not a target. My relationship with Madison may be rocky right now cuz i blindsided her tribe friend in another game. So im kinda nervous. Hopefully she doesnt pass it her vengence here and tries to take me out.  Im slightly worried a but for this tc.

This merge is a little different from my norm game, I usually have 2-4 alliance chats going but I don't have a single one so far this game.  All my deals have been side deals so far, I do not know if that is a good or bad thing as of this moment in time.  Corey did fill me in that there was an alliance being formed that included him, at least it's indicative of him wanting "The Bull and the Lion" to continue to work. I am also way to mentally drained to give a damn, I just needed to make a confessional to not strike. I worked for 14 hours today but I made 325 dollars and now only owe 4k on my student loans.  Thassss a win in my book even if I get voted out, I'm just gonna drink some beer, hold Jenifer and go to bed.  Good night Moon.

THANK GOD I WON IMMUNITY. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to stress out too much this round. Considering there are 14 of us, really anything could happen, but it's great to know that I will make it through at least one more round. The only key here is just making sure that I stay on the right side of the numbers. The line will most likely be drawn in the sand, so it's important that I stay on the right side of it. So far, I think the people that trust me the most are Ian, Corey, and Matt. I talk to them the most out of everyone, and I do trust them all to an extent, Corey and Ian the most. I would love to find a way to get all three of them on the same page, but I know that will be a heard feat. Next in line would probably be Maynor, Madison, and Kait. I talk to these three a good amount, but for some reason I am having a hard time putting my full faith into them. I talk to Owen a good amount too, but he is a MAJOR threat, and someone that I do not want to be in the game for too much longer if I'm going to have a chance to win. For this round, in an ideal world, Thomas would go home. But that seems too easy. I am hoping someone starts throwing names around, but if not, I guess it will have to be me.

WHY DOES MATT HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!  I genuinely wanted to work with him after first impressions, I bet he was the one who voted Taurus now.  My idol now has a name attached to it, so thanks for that Matt.  In a way, I guess you did end up working with me in some fashion.  Ideally this round goes down with a clear majority on Stephan and Corey can get his save a vote activated and I play the slow burn on good ole Matteo, I wanted to butt heads with Owen at merge, but Owen has been a delight while Matteo has been nothing but a thorn in my side.  

Phew child this merge! 14 people is so so so many and I did in fact vote out Adrian and Chloe, both people who I’ve worked with. I’m left in a really interesting spot because of the warzones it’s still hard to see who has a pattern of voting together. I feel that I’ve positioned myself to be in a lot of threesomes, and hopefully nobody really catches on to that? I know Kait is my number one currently and I have trust with Madison and Devon and Corey. But I’m also fully aware that everyone is a huge threat, and I have to downplay myself as one as well. Hopefully a stepehen vote will provide me with good positioning, as we’re removing someone I personally can’t reallt work with, and lessening the numbers. I also wanna really work with chips but I’m sure everyone was chomping at that bit! Who doesn’t want a bite of chips!

I wish I could put an image in this form bc the joke I’m about to make is so funny Anyways lol I told Kait about the idol I felt like I had to or else I’d break her trust if I ever used it. But THEN LOL SHE TOLD ME THAT matt also has one LMAO THAY HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!! So that meme I linked above is literally me and matt with our idols Here’s my prob tho I like l.... I have to tell matt bc he knows I guess the coordinate. So I guess that’s a thing that’ll happen

Finally have an alliance chat with Kait and Owen...it’s been so many rounds in the making tbh, it just needed to actually be made. I feel safer having that as well as us going to make one with Matt and Maynor as well, making sure that Matt is okay with it...Maynor already seems to be on board. The only name that’s been going around is Stephen so that kind of sucks because I wanted to work with him, but he isn’t around enough to try and rock the boat for in this game unfortunately. 

I found a hidden immunity idol which is awesome! Also, everyone has been silent this round after we decided on Stephen so that’s a bit suspicious 

This is a really hard round because I really like everyone. If any good came from it, it's that I solidified myself into a strong alliance that should be able to keep me safe for at least a few rounds. Corey did not seem to bite on my idea to vote out Owen. Matt says he is most threatened by Ian and Timmy. And everyone just seems to want to vote Stephen. I think this round will be pretty easy, but from this point on it just gets harder. I assume that Chips is in a bad spot and most likely will go next. But at final 12, it's going to be a doozy to see who can stay on top of the vote.

So thisrounf there is an alliance of 6 however I have 0 faith in Thomas. He is a wild card and will be hard to judge and work with. No idea what’s going to happen tonight. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Well. Tonight the vote is Stephen. Well, for the majority of us. For little young me, I will be voting for nobody! We acquiring a save vote. Hopefully, at our next tribal, Timmy leaves! Woo! I am in 2 alliances: Mighty Happy Meal (Owen, Kait, Madison, Devon, Thomas) and Queer Eye-ish (Madison, Matt, Trace). Period... I am loyal to my own people. Madison, Owen, Ian, Devon. Kait too, to an extent. The rest need to go at their time. I do what I can. Matt is a priority for me to get rid of. Unless Timmy wants Matt gone, I want him gone too for next time. x

Ep 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fEEBtT8R4hk_587qknbxwLmB8yhN_lt/view?usp=drivesdk

This is my placeholder confession for until I am at a computer and able to type something out. I got back in the game!

alyssa said put ep 11: just a quick recap bc i have to play this silly flash game now before i pass out - corey and matt allegedly not liking each other is still a problem - owen found an idol - i told owen matt has an idol bc i have a big mouth - corey told owen all this shit about the vote and idk just other game sensitive stuff and not me and - there's an aliens of trace, matt, madison, and corey that trace allegedly made. this is a big question mark bc either it's just really random and people that trace wants to work with despite what they said or this beef??? between matt and corey is fake which i wouldn't be too surprised by - corey told all of this to owen before tribal but told him that he was going to wait until after tribal to tell me like.... i don't appreciate that. - i think that kind of solidifies that if/when corey v matt happens and i have to pick a side i wanna go with my matt. - im sure i will think of more tomorrow oh also i want ian to get deleted from skype thx

EP 11 Confessional: I got an idol this round which is cool. I heard the vote was stephen however it’s been kinda quiet. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.��

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Does this work? (Sorry about the format)

“Amélie, are you sure you can scale this building without being caught? There are over 48 cameras…I just don’t know how I feel about this.” I say, grazing my thumb over my lips as, I often do when I’m thinking.

“Oui, oui, yes. Can we just skip to the post-planning sex, please? You know I don’t like being made to wait.” Amélie frowns slightly as she grabs my hand to pull me closer.

“Darlin’, you know we don’t celebrate until after we’re sure that our plan is guaranteed to be a success.” I say, shaking my head at Amélie.

“Yeah right. When has a plan ever gone wrong for us.” Amélie argues, trying to pull me close again.

“That’s the kind of thinking that causes shit to go wrong. Let’s just go over it one more time so we are sure we get it right.” I say, wrapping my arms around her neck.

“Je veux juste être baisée putain,” Amélie sighs in frustration.

“Now darlin, you know I’m a sucker for french and I get the gist of what you just said, but I don’t think I like your tone.” I say, slowly dragging my hands up her thighs.

“‘Make me pay for it then, my love.” Amélie says, laying back on the table, pushing our planning and sketches to the side.

“Oh I plan on it.” I whisper, crawling on top of Amélie and kissing a trail up her stomach.

“Hey Boss! Ya have a visitor. I don’t think it can wait.” One of my shitty goons shouts, knocking on my door, totally ruining the fucking mood. 

“It. Can. Wait,” I growl against Amélie’s neck.

Amélie digs her nails into the back of my neck and I have to hold back a moan. She knows how much I love how rough she gets when she’s turned on.

“Gee Boss, man I dunno. This chick looks like your clone or something. But like younger I guess? This is really trippy for me. Am I tripping right now?” Idiot goon replies and I sigh because I really fucking thought he could take a fucking hint..

“You have a girl looking for you? A clone? Should I be jealous?’ Amélie jokingly pushes my face back with a raised brow.

“She said she’s lifelong friends with B.O.B and wants to talk, but maybe it can wait til later.” Idiot goon says and God, what does it take to be able to get some action around here?

I roll my eyes and grumpily rub my temple. A younger clone of me who is a lifelong friend of B.O.B? What the everloving fuck? I guess we stole a bad shipment of drugs, because that is the craziest shit I’ve ever heard one of my crew say. B.O.B doesn’t even have any friends other than the Deadlock Gang.

The only other people he’s ever really known are -

My neck starts  burning with a prickly sensation and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Holy Shit.

No way… This can’t be true. She can’t be here, surely? Didn’t she live all the way in the north east? Possibly even Europe?

“Very well. Give me a minute.” I reply.

“She’ll be with ya in just a minute.” Idiot goon says to our guest and I hear a sassy “Yeah, so I heard” in reply.

“Mon Chéri are you okay? You look so pale, what’s wrong?” Amélie asks, stroking both of my cheeks at the same time.

“It looks like a mistake of the past has caught up with me. I’ll explain to you later tonight? Okay?” I say as I straighten up my hair and my clothes.

“Oui, of course.” Amélie says and I can see that she’s still studying my face.

I take a deep breath as I reach forward to open the door. For some reason I feel incredibly nervous, which is not like me at all. Holding the door open for Amélie, I let her walk out first and she gasps in shock as she takes a look at our special guest.

“Quoi?” I hear Amélie whisper and she looks back at me, understandably confused but I just can’t make eye contact with her. I’m feeling embarrassed and guilty which again isn’t like me at all.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I raise a hand bye to Amélie and she gives me a sad sort of smile and I feel even worse than I did in the first place.

“Hey kid. How did you get here?” I ask. Might as well just get it all over and done with.

“I took the midnight train going anywhere and just ended up here.” This kid says sarcastically and I have to hold back a laugh.

“I guess you want to know everything right? Why I did it, if I regret it, if it was hard to do, et cetera et cetera?” I ask her, looking at her for the first time and holy shit, she really does look like my twin. She has his eyes though. And his color too. She’s definitely a looker.

“You hit the jackpot, Sherlock.” Mini me says and I’ve had about enough of her sass.

“Listen here kid, if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be talking like that. I’d watch it if I were you.” I warn her and fuck I need a drink.

“I have a name. It’s Delilah. And I know exactly who you are - you’re the leader of a shitty gang with nothing better to do, right?” Delilah says and I must admit, I do admire the balls this kid has.

“Now look,” I say, holding back a smile, “You’re not wrong. But if you weren’t you, I’d have killed you for that talk.”

“Then why don’t you?” Delilah asks.

“Because I at least owe you an explanation, first.” I sigh. “Come on kid, let’s head to the bar.”

“But I’m 17… they won’t let me in.” Delilah says, still following me regardless.

“Shit kid, they will if you’re with me. Don’t worry about it.” 

BREAK

The door jingles as we walk into the somewhat busy bar and I can see feel the stare of multiple looks towards us.

“Leave.” I say and chairs scramble as they take the hint.

Luckily B.O.B is our bartender and he starts happily clapping his hands when he sees Delilah. She runs up to hug him and he spins her around in a circle, just like he did with me when I was young.

“You want a drink, kid?” I ask.

“Can I get a shot of Jack?” Delilah asks. I’m pretty sure she’s testing to see if I’ll stop her from drinking alcohol but honestly I really don’t care. B.O.B looks for my reaction so I just I shrug my shoulders.

“Sure,” I say, not letting her know it’s my favorite drink.

We both take a shot and I’m actually surprised at how well she takes it. The burning sensation is a welcoming feeling and I wave at B.O.B for another.

“We are going to be here a while so let’s get B.O.B to cook you something up. Does a burger sound good to you?” I ask Delilah and she nods her head happily. 

“A burger sounds great to me.” Delilah says. “B.O.B’s a great cook. My parents loved when he came to visit.”

Taking the second shot, I rub my temple, confused on where to start. Like surely this kid hates me. Surely she wants nothing to do with me. So why is she here? Why am I so uncomfortable with all of this?

“Look kid. I understand you want to know everything, I do. But how did you get here? How did you find me? How did you even know I was your… you know ” I ask, because honestly how does a 17 year old kid get through all my security and half a fucking desert too.

“I was hoping you would ask that.” Delilah says, clapping her hands together.

“So basically I’ve always wondered who my ‘birth giver’ was. None of my friends in school knew I was adopted and there was this one time when we were all in the cafeteria at lunch. There was a breaking news story on all of the TVs about the most successful heist in history and people were shocked because the leader of the gang who pulled it off was a woman. Not just anyone, but a ‘beautiful’ woman who had the face of an angel but the heart of a devil.” Delilah says.

“Sounds familiar. Carry on.” I smirk.

“So my friends and I start to pay attention, cause we are like ‘wow, who is this chick, she sounds badass’, right? And then next thing I know, they show your wanted posted and my insides froze and I’m like ‘holy shit, that lady looks a lot like me’ and I think I’m crazy, but my friend Casey is like ‘Oh my god Delilah, is that like your evil aunt or something? Were you adopted?’ And we all laughed but inside I was freaking the fuck out.” Delilah continues.

“Understandable.” I agree.

“I go home and my parents are acting kind of odd, but everyone has their bad days right? I try to forget about it, but then I remember them telling me when I was younger that my birth giver had a troubled life and that they didn’t want to bring an innocent life into that.” Delilah says, looking at me questioningly.

“That’s kind of true I guess.” I say with a shrug.

“Right! So I forget about it for a while, I start to move on and then we get a surprise visit from B.O.B.” Delilah says smiling at B.O.B, who gives her a happy ‘that’s me!’ wave.

“I was so happy to see him again. I’ve loved him since I was a kid. This time I noticed he had a symbol on his body that I recognized… and I couldn’t work out where. But then I realized it was the symbol from that gang that that me lookalike was in. A crazy coincidence right?” Delilah asks.

“Ain’t it just?” I reply.

“I’m not proud of this next part, but here goes. I ask B.O.B if he would be okay with me looking into his gear so I could see how he works, because I’m super interested in engineering. He was more than happy to take part. But what I really wanted to do was scan through his memories and see if I could catch a glimpse of you. It worked. I was able to search through a folder with my name on it, I clicked on the very first file and I saw you, shortly after you had given birth to me. You said ‘it’s okay B.O.B, don’t cry, I’ll let you stay in contact with her if you really want’’ and cause it was from B.O.B’s point of view, he looked down and I saw he was cradling me as a newborn.” Delilah smiles sadly. “I’m sorry for hacking and violating you, B.O.B.”

B.O.B tilts his head to the side, studying Delilah’s face and then shrugs. He’s loved that kid since the day she was born, I doubt she could do anything to upset him. Hell, if he’s put up with half the shit that I’ve put him through, then I’m sure he’s very happy with her indeed.

“Damn kid, that’s kind of wild. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Honestly I was hoping that you never would. I didn’t want to be another disappointment to someone.” I tell her honestly.

“Disappointment? This is the most badass thing to ever happen in my life. It’s awesome!” Delilah laughs.

“Delilah. You seem like a smart kid. I hope you realize this isn’t going to be a super happy ending where I cry and tell you I’ve loved you all along. Cause the harsh truth is I’ve never really loved anyone. I don’t know how to.” I admit.

Even with Amélie, I don’t ever really tell her I love her. It’s just not me.

I expect to see a frown or maybe even a look of anger or betrayal on Delilah’s face but I’m a little shocked when I see a small smile.

“I’ve known that for a long time. The fact that I never had any letters or contact from you kind of made that clear. I just want to know my backstory. Like, if you never loved me, why didn’t you just get rid of me?” Delilah asks, twiddling her thumbs.

“I hardly even know that myself, kid.” I sigh.

And it’s true.

Getting knocked up and going through with the pregnancy was the most ‘unlike-me’ thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve spent half of my life trying to forget it.

“I guess it’s because I wanted to see how my life could have been if I was actually loved as a kid. By people who actually wanted a family, people who were actually there for you.” I admit. “It’s all kind of selfish really. I didn’t even stick around to see if you were happy in the end. You are, right?”

“As happy as someone who was adopted could be, I guess! My parents really do love me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. They totally supported me coming here. I didn’t tell them how dangerous it was of course but they were actually happy for me.” Delilah says.

“That’s good to hear I guess.” I say. “So, what next? I’ll be as honest as I can.”

I’m pretty sure I know what she’s going to say. It’s still a sore subject for me but I don’t really care anymore.

“Who was my dad? What was he like? If he’s who I think he is, why isn’t he around anymore?” Delilah asks, confirming my suspicions were correct.

“Gee, kid. Might as well get the nail out of the coffin.” I groan. “Jesse McCree… god that man really knew how to get under my skin. He betrayed us all in the end, so naturally he’s on my kill list.” I say and Delilah laughs, thinking I’m joking. 

“We met when we were both teenagers. We had a love hate type of relationship. He was the first human to ever show me genuine affection that wasn’t based on fear. We were invincible. A stunt had never gone wrong for us. We were sought after by everyone - enemies, the law force, criminals who wanted us to join them, the lot. Our egos had never been bigger.” I say.

“Sounds fun.” Delilah comments and I nod my head.

“It was. We did so many wild things. I miss the impulsiveness of it all, really. Eventually I found out I was knocked up. Deep down I knew Jesse would have been happy, but that just wasn’t our life. I left the gang for a year, telling them I was travelling with B.O.B to get him an upgrade that would make him invincible. They believed me and I was so relieved.” I admit.

“I traveled to the east coast, as far away from our base as I could go. I think I ended up in New York. I had been looking around online for families looking for kids. Some I was skeptical about, but then I saw a posting by your parents. A teacher and a dentist who couldn’t conceive naturally. They had mentioned that they would give all of their savings to whoever would give them a child. Eventually I met them and I actually really liked them, which said a lot considering how much I hate people in general. They gave me my space, let me stay with them for a while and even offered me to stay after the kid was born. I left as soon as I could though.”

B.O.B walks over with our lunch and gives Delilah a milkshake to go with it. He brings me a jack and coke and I nod my head as a thanks.

“Thanks, B.O.B, you’re the best.” Delilah says, happily tucking into her food.

“All the way up until I gave birth, I wondered if I’d change the way I felt about the baby growing inside me. Like I said, I had never grown up with affection, praise or even the slightest bit of human attention. My parents were never home and B.O.B is the closest thing to a parent I ever had. Don’t get me wrong. When you were born, I was happy you were healthy, but honestly I just wanted to get you to your family and leave. I was never meant to be a mother. It’s nothing I’ve ever dreamed or thought about. Even now and I’m almost 40. So I’m sorry about that, I guess.” I admit avoiding eye contact with Delilah again.

Delilah has a mouth full of food, so I take advantage of her silence by continuing on with my story.

“Back to your dad - McCree. Honestly he wasn’t a bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, he betrayed us and he’s going to pay hell for that. But Jesse McCree was a better person than I ever will be. And it fucking kills me to say that.” I say, hating myself for even mentioning it.

“Does he know about me?” Delilah asks.

“Yes. He always had his suspicions and could tell something happened during that year I was away. He found out during a fight. I couldn’t take the guilt of keeping it quiet anymore. He cried when he found out and he was pissed off he didn’t get a say, but he knew it wouldn’t change anything. He knew we weren’t supposed to be together, never mind be parents. He wanted to meet you and I forbid him until you, if ever, made an attempt to contact us. I didn’t even know if you were still in New York or not, because I told your parents to use those savings to move out of the country. I knew my past could come back to haunt me and I didn’t want an innocent kid to get hurt because of me. Whether they moved or not, I don’t know.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“They did. We lived in England for 3 years but then moved back to New York before I started school. They loved the city too much.” Delilah explains.

“It’s better if no one ever knows about you. You’d be targeted and they’d go for your parents too. Does anyone else know about us?” I ask.

“Other than my parents? No. But I’m pretty sure your gang knows too. That guy earlier seems to have worked it out.” Delilah says.

“I’m just going to tell him he had a bad trip. And to never talk about this again. He might be dumb but he’s not dumb enough to blab about my personal life. None of my gang are.” I say.

“Wow, you’re such a good role model.” Delilah smirks sarcastically and I’m reminded of myself as a rude teenager.

“Well you definitely got my sass, kid. God your sperm donor would kill to see that.” I say, downing my final shot of the night.

“Gross. Don’t say it like that.” Delilah says.

“Well it’s true. That’s all he is to me. And even that is saying too much. When you’re older you’ll learn that men are more trouble than they are worth.” I warn Delilah.

“Thanks for the heads up. Luckily all I’m focusing on right now, apart from finding out about you, is school work right now. I have chance of getting accepted into Harvard and I want to take that chance.” Delilah says, stretching and cracking her fingers.

“Shit, Harvard, really? God my parents would have loved you.” I say, slightly impressed with how bright Delilah is.

“Yeah. Do you think if I tell them my birth giver is the most wanted female in the continent, they’ll give me a scholarship out of fear?” Delilah jokes and laughter escapes my lips, making me spill my beer.

“Shit kid, that could work. It would be the least I could do for ya.” I say, smiling and shaking my head.

“Nah, I’m totally kidding. I don’t want people to know about us anyway. I don’t want anything to happen to my parents.” Delilah says and I feel slightly bad about scaring her, but it’s better for her to know the truth.

“Good choice kid, good choice.” I sigh. “Look hun, it’s too dangerous for you to stay here long, but you can stay the night if you want. Have you ever shot a gun before?”

“A gun? Hell no.” Delilah says, looking confused.

“Yeah, a gun. Tell you what. How about this… you stay here for a night, tomorrow I teach ya how to shoot and then B.O.B will take you home after we are done.” I say.

“That actually sounds perfect.” Delilah smiles.

“And uh… look kid. If you wanna stay in contact and you want to meet your sperm donor, it’s best if all of our contact is done through B.O.B. We are less likely to be tracked that way.” I say.

“That would really mean a lot. Thank you.” Delilah says happily.

BREAK

It’s 15 minutes past midnight by the time I make it to my room. Man, my head fucking aches. What a day. I’m about to take off my clothes for the night when I hear a familiar tap on my window.

“Hey.” I smile sadly as I pull the window open for Amélie. “You could have come through the front door.”

“I didn’t want to make things weird for your daughter.” Amélie says.

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Because, mon Chérie, I am not an idiot and she is beautiful just like you.” Amélie says, straddling me as she pushes me into the bed.

“You don’t have to tell me everything now. Is she staying? Is she okay?” Amélie asks and I’m just so glad she’s not mad at me for never telling her about this.

“Thank you for not hating me for keeping this quiet. Honestly I  never thought I’d actually meet her and I was okay with that. But meeting her has been… surreal. I don’t like kids and never have. But she’s a teenager and so mature. I can’t explain it. I see so much of me in her. She’s becoming everything I dreamed of being as a kid.” I admit. “She’s staying for a little tomorrow. I’m gonna teach her how to shoot and then she’s leaving. B.O.B is going to go with her.”

“Whats her name?” Amélie asks, stroking my lip with her thumb.

“Delilah. I didn’t name her though. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the day she was born.” I say, pulling Amelie’s hand away to trail kisses up her arm.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl. Are you going to miss her?” Amélie asks, eyebrow raised as she studies my face.

“Honestly? I don’t think so. If anything it makes me hate my parents even more for never allowing me to experience love as a kid. It makes me mad that I never got to love or care for her. But she does have a family who loves her plenty so that makes me feel better. And I doubt I would have ever met you if my family actually cared, so I guess all that neglect was worthwhile.” I say, laying back on the bed, pulling Amélie with me.

“I’m glad you’re dealing with it all so well. I was worried earlier.” Amélie said, taking off my tie and unbuttoning my shirt.

“Now worrying about me is something you never need to do, darlin’. I can take care of myself, believe it or not.” I tease.

“I know, I know. It’s just that I had never seen you look scared or worried before. It didn’t feel right.” Amélie says.

“I wasn’t scared. I was nervous.” I say, avoiding eye contact again.

“Same thing.” Amélie says, pulling my face to meet hers, leaving small kisses along my jawline.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “What do you say we start where we got up to earlier? We just have to be quiet tonight.”

“I like that idea very much.”

What To Eat For Clear Skin& What Foods Will Wreak Havoc On Your Face

If youre anything like me, someone who is a full-grown adult considers their body like a trashcan, then you discern the daily skirmish that is doing whatever the fuck you want while at the same time wanting to have a great person and great surface. Lifes hard whether it wishes to get fucked up at Governors Ball but also look 100 years old in your Instagram story. Not that I would know. I did not go to Gov Ball, though I did expend the weekend going through mimosas like water and gobbling sufficient food to get me my own TLC reality show. That being said, I want to change. I want to be a brand-new me. A better me. A me who throws actual vitamins and minerals into her arrangement so her skin doesnt resemble the entire slice of pizza she ate last-place night. So heres a directory of meat you should forestall like an ex-boyfriend sliding into your DMs and foods you should embrace because theyll fasten your fucking face. Damn, Ive get bars. DONT: Devour Canned Food/ Meats Gross. As if. Like, who even snacks canned fleshes anymore? Other than my ex from college who had this weird preoccupation with eating vienna sausages( which, in hindsight, should have been a cherry-red fucking flag that this child was a sociopath. That and his Belk credit card that he was always bragging about ). Canned and/ or highly processed foods have a shit ton of sodium in them and stimulates your torso to hold on to ocean, which is why your face is always puffy or you have pouched under your eyes that can be seen from room, and your acne is at World War III proportions. DO: Eat Salmon Aside from giving you a reason to pretend to be a foodie and too be hateful on Instagram, eating salmon is a sure space to get better looking surface. Salmon is rich with omega-3 fatty acids and healthy fatties. These fats reinforce cell membranes and nourish the surface to exclude you searching fresh AF. DONT: Drink Green Juice Lol just because you frequently say shit like #FitLife and #CleanEating on your IG does not mean you know wtf is good for you, because SURPRISE all those juices youre boozing to purify your body are actually truly fucking bad for you. Juices are sugary as inferno, especially the light-green juices which is capable of have up to 50 grams of carbohydrate in them, which is actual destruction when it comes to having clear skin. ^ I suspect every fitstagrammer when the catch out they’ve been spouting liquid carbohydrate into their tabernacles bodies DO: Booze A Protein Smoothie Aside from having something to talk about with the hot tutor at your gym, protein smoothies can actually be beneficial for your skin. The more you are familiar. Remain away from the juicer smoothies and opt for one with some protein in it. These types of smoothies are high in healthy paunches and wont leave your surface searching more ratchet than your Snap story last weekend. DONT: Eat Ice Cream Okay, this one I visualized coming. Good-for-nothing that savours this good can be anything but destruction on your person. And since Im not on my age rn in control of my figure I suspect Im open to suggestions here. Ice cream is chock-full of sugar which is capable of figure this fun thing called advanced glycation end products which fucks up the protein in your form. Why is that important you may ask? Because the proteins it fucks with “the worlds largest” are the ones that keep your skin plump and springy searching. So mostly dining ice cream is age you.* paces into oncoming transaction* DO: Eat Dark Chocolate Dark chocolate aka the DUD of chocolates has a fuck ton of antioxidants in it, which is v good for your surface. So even though it savours health and the whole time youll be pleasing you two are dining real chocolate with real flavor at the least your skin will seem good AF and be protected against wrinkles and other bad shit. DONT: Drink Coffee HA HA HA HA this has to be some sort of sick joke. You want me to give up my will to live caffeine? Do you also want me to commit homicide the next time someone responds everyone to a department email chain? DO YOU? This one is tough for me to wrap my brain around because coffee is literally one of the only rationales I get out of bunked in the morning, and hence, the same reasons you get to experience this sparkling identity. That tell me anything, coffee is a diuretic( fake information Im sure !) which causes your mas to lose water and your skin to get v dehydrated. Stay away from this shit if you require glowy AF skin. DO: Drink Hot Lemon Water This replacement sounds about as good as the Republican plan for health care but thats neither here nor there. Even though the prospect of boozing red-hot lemon liquid know it sounds as enticing as sleeping with Jonathan The Tickle Monster, its actually super are you all right. Its hydrating, full of antioxidants, and holds some much needed support efforts to your liver. Apparently, the liver is the principal organ that detoxifies their own bodies and if youre full of poisons drinking on dates that objective in Y, youre more likely to break out. Sighs. And this is why we cant have nice things. DONT: Eat Bagels Okay, Im starting to feel personally victimized by this list. Like, is person looking at my bank proclamation and be careful to ensure that I expend a great amount of my down time in coffee shops and/ or bagel patronizes? Because Im feeling genuinely assaulted rn. Apparently, bagels are the worst for your skin and can lead to a cascade of hormones aka acne breakouts for days.* prays this is fake word* DO: Eat Non-Processed Carbs or Oats Tbh Id rather deprived than eat something that resembles animal feed but I guess thats the rate we pay to look like the “after” girl in an acne commercial. Oats are the right various kinds of carbs probs because it appears miserable to eat and likewise because its high in antioxidants which weve launched will not only give you clear/ glowy surface but likewise pushes against anti-aging. DONT: Drink Soda To utterly no ones surprise except my own because I refuse to read descriptions written by health professionals people who are out to destroy my gaiety, soda is bad for you. And because we are drink diet soda doesnt mean youre safe. Because diet soda specially interrupts the necessary and healthy bacteria found in your intestine. Likewise drinking various kinds of soda can really fuck with your scalp. Like, crusade rosacea, eczema, and acne fucking with your skin. K. Just fuck me up rn then. Likewise, wtf am I supposed to order at the bar to go along with my vodka then? I cant exactly suck vodka straight-from-the-shoulder. I want to have clearer scalp , not croak. DO: Drink Kombucha Finally something that ogles good on my Instagram story and isnt going to fuck up my surface. About damn age. Basically Kombucha is good for you because its fermented, and therefore full of probiotics, which will solve all their own lives troubles. Im paraphrasing, but still. If you want clear skin by the time this weekend’s brunch rolls around then chug some of this and claim like its alcohol something you experience drinking. So, in conclusion, anything that brings you delight is possibly fucking up your scalp and you should cut it from your diet ASAP. I am feeling #blessed rn that alcohol did not draw the inventory, but thats mostly because I refused to do any actual research that would support otherwise. Who says you cant realise your own destiny? Listen, if all else neglects and you have no self verify dont just wanted to relinquish your delight theres ever Facetune. Read more: www.betches.com http://selfhelpantiagingtips.com/what-to-eat-for-clear-skin-what-foods-will-wreak-havoc-on-your-face-47/

OK SO I GOT AT LEAST 10 MINUTES TO WRITE THIS UP OPPS CAPS 

anyways im rushing to study but i got something on my mind , i was complaining about my periods and neville tells me how he would prepare ginger tea for her then he would buy medicine and he would tapao and cancel plans so that she could just stay in , and how he would boil water to make a heat compression for her , and like fuck thats so sweet like honestly i never really expected bryan to do this but neville is honestly so sweet and i wish bryan was that sweet but i bet neville did it because he wanted to not because he was told to because thats just who he is , and i think isaac was like that too like i remember hwo he would buy me a sneaker bar everytime i mentioned that i had my period like that shit was su sweet and i never apprieciated it because hes just my best friend , and like phil last time boil the ginger water for elaine too , so im like maybe bryan is like super blur , like maybe because before this i was dating white guys and i mean white guys usually maybe dont do as much as chiese guys , cause when asians treat their girls right they really really treat their girls like queens , but honestly even tho joh was russian i remmeebred when we woke he made me breakfast in bed and an omelette and stuff , idk i was seeing our chats the other day , and i guess some of the bitterness that i had from him came from like me being jealous of his gf but honetly im happy he has someone now , like he was actually nice and he really hyped me up  a lot like he would comment on my stories and apprieciate a selfie and what not , hed take notice of my outfits , my hair , my make up . but i mean it just had to end , and i didtnt love him but im glad he has someone he loves now , i guess thats some sort of maturity , like if i hated him that would mean i wasnt over him but im happy for him moving on , anyways back to the subject , sometimes when i wear something cute or whateever, change my outfit or makeup , bry doesnt take notice , i tried seeing his reaction and usually ill have to be all like ‘ i changed my hair today ‘  ‘ im earing make up today is it nice ‘ or is my outfit cute ‘ then only he responds , and honestly its kinda sien , maybe idk hes just not that attracted to me , wow this hurts anyways that day when he was looking at my body and he was saying that it was sexy and he was lucky , i really felt butterflies , maybe hes trying idk , maybe after i told him i want more thats him showing it or something , idk la , i hype him a bunch , too much for my own good . but like i want some sort of reciprocration i think im so used to the reciprocration because of austin , like austin would take screenies of all my stories lmao , but i mean i guess now its kinda concerning knowing he has my photos . i hope he deleted them  idk  but it dont matter , idk if i made myself this demanding of bryan , is it the men i dated ? is it society ? what if bryan never treats me the way i think i wanna be treated ? when i asked neville like wow u do all these stuff and he was like doesnt bryan do it too , i was like erm no ? and they were like shocked like a normal man should do these things , and that was kinda shameful i guess , and i was likeno la bry just give me tummy rubs , and esther said well if you receive the way you are treated if you think youre a queen your bf will treat u like a queen , but if you are shit your bf will treat u like shit , idk that kinda resonated with me , anyways i tried to test bry by telling him about my period 

he said he did some research and pullled out a 5 list of things that are remedies for periods which one was sex and he was like hey loook we had sex :( like i mean ha ha yea but he wasnt really catching the hint , so i told hi about neville and isaac and i think he felt intimidated especially after neville said that hes a lil boy , which tbh i dont get why hell think so like hes jsut a year younger , i guess esther and neville jsut look down on everyone except themselves , anyways he suddenly ask hwo old is neville and how logn were they dating which like i think was a hint to me like ,  hey neville is not so old, and the reason i dont tret u like neville is because their relationship is longer than ours , i wanted to say ‘  well you dont need to be in a 2 year relationship to do those things ‘ but honestly i feel like thatll just start a fire 

idk la i thought after this fight i wont be thinking too much but i find myself doing so 

i thought that after i told him i wanted to go somewhere nice that he would plan something but nigga didnt plan anything at all , we ended up staying at home to eat with mum , its supposed to be posponed but id about bryan , maybe we wont celebrate it . its important to me and i kept hinting that its soemthing i wanna celebrate that we cant just ignore it , its jsut a day to apprieciate each other, idk la i feel like i still have expectations and little by little im being super sien because hes not reacting , and i wanna feel loved not jsut thru kisses not jsut thru sex, anyone an do that , but it relly takes someones real effort to make someone smile , and im afriad that my smile fades , rn im happy with the little things  but if i break up with him now i wont say he did crazy things for me to be like yeah ‘ill never find someone who will love me as bryan did ’ and its sad that thats the case, idk i still wanna wait and see if he does anything , i jsut wanna feel something ya know , i dont wanna be just grateful that he stayed over one night , like idk , im grateful but wheres the other stuff , anyways fuck 25 mintues passed dy now im sad i still have a lot on my mind but idk , i jsut hope it all goes uphill from here 

like, if i were to basically redo it to just be a fun fantasy romp - id take it back to its original sort of time setting rather than having it be urban fantasy. Finley died in an expedition about 10 years earlier, making Crystal and Akian into orphans. theyve basically been living with the D’Lore’s since then, so Akian and Chase being really fucking close makes complete sense (and was likely why they started living wit the d’lores in the first place). in that last decade, like 5 yearsago or so, SKye joins the family after the whole uhhhhh Sorix/Naten situation. my poor boys. so crystal and skye already know each other. they arent super close, mostly because skye’s a moody lil bitch sometimes, but they know each other and are passing friends. crystal works with the d’lore’s apothecary, since the d’lores are like, biiiiiiiig boys. mayors or some shit. big boys. not a king, tho. well, actually, maybe? that could be interesting. or perhaps like a pricipality sorta deal. ill think about it.

since the d’lores are royalty here, kidnapping Akian and Chase (the crown prince boy and his gf) makes complete sense. theyre a perfect ransom and way tohold the entire city/region hostage. its a crisis. skye and crystal, who are really pissed about it, decide to take proactive action. which brings them into contact with Violet, who runs a small library with her “aunt”, Dawn. Violet helps them find some information about some of the weird shit the two reported seeing before their sibs were kidnapped, and gives them a shit ton of advice on what they could do. because violet is the best.

smth smth happens, they come into contact with Will, who is an expedition man just like Finley, and also the guy with th complex relationship with Skye. the three manage to convince Will to take them along into his second trip into a portal he’s discovered north of the town, because violet thinks it’ll have useful info and then begs to come along to see it. sothe 4 go in. suhbitch, its the heaven realm, and here they meet Skye’s mother, Alexa, who has still been dead for 200 years because, lets be clear, Skye’s dad fucked a ghost. fucking crazy. fantasy is wild. and she helps give them some pointers. maybe suggests they head to Quartai, which is the Big Boy Kingdom. a probably more overtly magical/religious place, more info on Ryaris and shit, stuff like that.

the 4 go there. then im not sure how stuff resolves from there. they probably still end up heading to the southern isles, which is an even more Big Magic place that has all these portals. in between then, violet seems to disappear, following an(other) encounter with Princess Alara, angry wind mage of the hour. which isnt great? but thats because Violet realised something was off about Alara (in a way specific to Violet) and she went out alone after the others went to sleep to find her and demand answers, and then, well, shit escalates.

they finally get to the fire realm and find the castle. before they can sneak inside, Alara catches them and promptly kidnaps Crystal, under the rationale that, well, Crystal is actually quartaian royalty, she’ll be a good ransom as well! :) skye and will (and i guess ash if hes just floating around, i dont Know)get tossed in the jail cell with chase and akian. Violet, who has now assumed the position of Princess fucking uhhhhh she has a name. fuck. T- Tacha??? yea ok whatever. Princess Violet’s out here, trying desperately to avoid the consequences of abandoning the group and trying not to get seen by any of them. but after overhearing her mum and sister interrogating Crystal about shit (and probably revealing Crystal’s heritage at that time, tho idk how id tie that shit in proper) Violet decides to stop being a coward. easily talks her way into the jail, frees everyone, get them all their stuff back, and make arrangements with some sympathetic guards that escort the exhausted Chase and Akian to a portal that will plop them out near-ish to the capital city, where they will be quickly found. bonus points if one of the guards, being a local to the area, offers to then personally escort them to the palace and hand them over. if yes, then violet likely gives him something that is proof of divine intervention (like, a symbol that cannot be manufactured by a human? and that is proof that Ryaris was involved and has returned them, smth like that, idk)

then the three of them work together to free crystal from Alara, who is acting as the primary antagonist. Ryaris is getting cold feet like noones fucking business, which is why she hasnt made a single appearance apart from kidnapping the two at the start. Alara’s filled in the rest, in part because Alara can pass for human (shes more a demigod than a minor goddess, in contrast to Violet), and because Alara was a LOT more into the plan from the start. probably using some info they gathered in Quartai or in theheaven world (it definitely has a name, i dont remember it) to convince Alara that, well, no, Dalace is absolutely fucking lying to you, stop it. which is easier than you would think, because Dalace’s lies were revealed the instant Violet returned home.

Part of Dalace’s plan to escape from her imprisonment is to have Ryaris (and her daughter, tho that was a later addition) force a whole bunch of humans into constructing and using portals, which would weaken the seal and also give Dalace more power. then she can break out and wreak havoc. her end of the deal is that, once restored to full power and free, she would bring back Evelyn and Violet. Evelyn being Ryaris’ human wife, who died like 5-6 years prior to the start of the story, and which was actually caused by Dalace in order to force Ryaris’ hand. but that conceit was that Violet and Ryaris were both dead. But Violet is here, perfectly fine, and with 0 trace of any magical interference. Violet was been alive the entire time, just out of Ryaris’ sight and in a different place than where Alara ended up going undercover. essentially a stroke of bad luck.

so, yknow. Violet has overheard Ryaris talking to Dalace, and has already found out about the fact that her revival had been promised. so its like, ‘what proof do you have???’ ‘well, im here, arent i?’ ‘:|||||’ if its then additional that, after violet left the party, the other three found out that Dalace doesn’t have the ability to revive, and that revival as a skill would require the death of Losa (light goddess and just general death lady), they can use that too. combine forces. violet uses her knowledge of the agreement, and the others use their acquired knowledge of the limits of magic. bam. maybe even some prior history, like ‘the stories say that Dalace went mad because everything died in her care. if she could revive the dead, surely this wouldnt have been an issue?’ ‘..... fuck youre right’. i mean they almost definitely have to fight her too because Alara’s a bit of a pain in the ass. people probably almost die. hardcore.

everyone chills out, they go convince ryaris to maybe chill. thats very easy because ryaris literally just wanted to settle down with her wife and two children before shit got messy (and i mean, Same). very easy to convince her off the mess train. but, of course, she’s already done a lot of the damage. the ransom for Akian and Chase has been active for like, at LEAST a week, possibly even more, she’s already reaped a solid chunk and started making good on her promise to Dalace. so the damage has been done. Dalace will get out soon. so they decide like, ok, lets fix it. time to go like, punch her in the face.

and then they beat dalace or reseal her or something. im not sure? dalace’s issues with the world are so deeply seated, her anger so much a part of her, that you cant really turn her good again. and to kill her would be nigh impossible and extremely disastrous. so really its like. do we trap her again but More this time, do we force the gods to actually intervene this time instead of acting through Champions? its rough. a godly intervention would only work if the group had been to each of the realms, because then they’d have met or affected each god in some way. but theyve only been to light and fire worlds. any more than that and it just gets like..... convoluted...... it was the original idea but idk. smaller main cast, makes even less sense. going to the worlds of each of their patrons makes SOME sense??? which then means id need to add a trip to the earth world (perhaps this is where they go from the southern isles. since they dont have a fire portal. and then they lose violet in earht world?). which then only leaves out the water and wind worlds. but the wind goddess is explicitly on Ryaris’ side, having freed Ryaris from her own constraints after a Whole Bunch of Shenanigans. so they dont actually need to convince the wind goddess, Xen i think, to support ryaris. Caliyo, the water goddess, is a little harder to finagle. she doesnt really agree with Ryaris for what i hope are Obvious reasons. in theory keeping Ash as a member of the party would potentially fix that, since he’s an active and practicing water magician prior to meeting the cast, and it’d be fair to guess that she might have a hand in that?in the community he’s from. sort of a mini water realm? Caliyo could also possibly be convincedby like, Losa and....Elra? earth lady. to just maybe think about just fucking talking to Dalace, for fucking once. its been fucking millenia,just talk to her and maybe youll convince her to stop being a shit. idk. Dalace is complicated? and a pain in the butt.

like, if Ash remains part of the squad (which does skew the cast 2:3 male, and 1:3 male when Violet leaves, which Pisses me Off) he can act as throughline to Caliyo. i dont see why not. his community is very much magical. buuuttt you could also potentially get around having him be in the party by having the same connection be present in the Southern Isles, which is a separate magical community that hides away from the continent. and if you think about it, how would you hide an island? other than straight up illusions.mist! caliyo is a perfect patron for the southern isles, thus removing Ash from the story as well in a clean 1 2. which also removes the dragons, which is.... a shame, definitely. big fan of them. but it also makes some sense to remove super overt magic stuff, if people are supposed to believe is superstition or extremely rare. a northern tribe that rely on dragons doesnt gel with that. they can still exist, i guess, but as a completely separate entity. though that does then raise the question of how the party of 4 get from Quartai to the southern isles. in SB, they flew there on the backs of some of Ash’ dragons, which also allowed them to cross the fucking sea between the isles and the coast. unless theres a secret way? like, hey, a secret bridge. use the portals to return back to the capital city, tie up some loose ends (employment and ‘WHERE THE /FUCK/ HAVE YOU BEEN?’ sorts of ends) before heading south to the coast and then trying to find the path across. Skye or will would be good for that, though Violet is also a stellar candidate due to the sheer magnitude of her magic. she’s basically a minor deity. its crazy. it depends on like, narrative usefulness? i guess? like, violet was the one who put them on the path to realise the kidnapper was Divine in some way, and put them in contact with Will. Will got them into fucking Heaven Light World, which got them to quartai, where they were able to get more info (or maybe even skip quartai altogether, tho thats smth else to deal with). so at this stage, crystal and skye’s sole contributions have been to kick the whole thing off. at best, skye mightve suggested they go to a smaller library than the Royal one, since, well, theyre already known to the royal one and the librarian likely tells them to stop bothering everyone and go back home (stay safe from kidnappers, etc). so Skye finding the path to the island, with all that light boy goodness, might work? crystals skillset can then come in handy when they travel to earth world, since she’s an earth mage. she can learn magic and possibly even learn about her heritage there. smth smth. depends how long theyre there.

idk. you can probably remove quartai from the mix altogether??? and have them go straight from Light World to heading south of the capital. does sorta remove the quartai buildup though? with the whole ‘youre the descendant of a runaway prince’ thing. since it justified crystal being removed from the group and likely the first person to find out about violet being a god, which can then feed to like. Shit. theres no other reason to separate out crystal and not, say, Skye. crystal and skye hold identical levels of relevance to thespecific kingdom theyre from. theyre commoners. crystal is in slightly higher regard because akian is practically a princess and even before that her family were good friends with the royals (because, yknow, Finley is a runaway prince who sought refuge in a neighbouring kingdom, lol). skye is just like, some guy, even though he lives in the palace too. theyre just commoners in high esteem of the king. so like, if you were going to separate Crystal out from the group for that, you should also take out Skye, which means in practice youre just chucking Will in a dungeon on his own. which just seems rude. the boy has suffered enough.

the idea was that bringing Crystal into Quartai, a place she has never been but that her father had once promised to take her to (which i can set up). and that by placing her in that environment, maybe even engineering a scenario where she is taken to the royal library (which i guess is like, a public library run by the royals? i dont know) and is spotted by Alara, who has been living in Quartai for the last year or so to gather intel. and, by the nature of how it is, theres royal paintings on the wall showing the late queen, Crystal’s grandmother, and theres an immediate visual connection. Crystal looks just like her dad. someone else (or alara, if it works) might even comment on her being new to quartai with a sort of ‘are you sure youve never been to quartai before? you look like you’d fit right in’ and it couldbe assumed as a personality thing. especially if in terms of personality, crystal doesnt appear to mesh with quartaian society at all. and if the line is by a character with no humour. which means Alara would actually be a perfect fit. it would be a genuine question and observation - Crystal looks Quartaian, whatever that means. while in quartai, they find out its connected to the earth goddess Elra, which helps convince them that they should maybe ask Elra for advice, since she seems like a goddess who has a lot of input and would know about goings on. crystal is then revealed to be an earth mage later (either southern isles or in the earth realm itself) which is like an Ooh boy. you could possibly hammer it further home by, if they DO meet Elra, her confusing Crystal for quartaian royalty. either by assuming she’s a specific Queen (her grandmother) or just a general ‘oh, youre a princess of quartai, then?’ ‘w- no?’ ‘oh? my apologies’. though if elra is going to notice any lineage she’s going to recognize the tall white haired youngster with piercing eyes and an overwhelming magical aura is the daughter of the goddess of fire. so. might distract her?i think it would be too on the nose for Elra to straight up call her out. 

though i could definitely make Crystal not looking local a thing? because she’s not. culturally she is, but both of her parents are full blooded quartaians who fled across the border because Keiran (correctly) anticipated that him marrying a commoner wouldnt go down well. Akian and Crystal both look quartaian. but they also look nothing like Will, who is from another demographic also not native to the kingdom. but his demographic is more prevalent, like there are far larger communities of them. Akian and Crystal just look out of place. Skye technically has a sort of otherworldly quality, but thats partly because his dad fucked a ghost. i cant get over that. but he still looks local enough, because he looks like his mum! and aside from being a ghost of sorts, she was from that kingdom, just 200 years in the past. so theres been drift, and he does look slightly off relative to everyone else, but to an extent you can assume thats just an individual thing. especially since his family is unknown. Akian and Crystal’s parents are known. their apperance is familiar. and that appearance is distinctly foreign. theres no real PROBLEM with that, because theyre good friends with the royal family and have been living in or near them for their whole lives, but its notably. their specific complexion, hair colour, and eye colour? not common ‘round these parts. that sorta thing? could work??? especially if relations with quartai are sorta weird. like..... we’re cool....... but also dont move here? with the exception of Kieran, because the implication is that he’d been a lot friendlier than his mother (and his cousin) and when he comes knocking on the door going ‘listen man i just fled the country can i crash on your couch with my girlfriend for a few days’ the kings like ‘yea dude go ahead. you can explain tomorrow at breakfast. just us’ ‘thanks dude i really appreciate it’. maybe its a quartaian thing. not big fans on these guys. so they just stay in their place and dont leave much. people from this kingdom can come to quartai, sure....... you cant STAY for that long, but you can come visit.......... sure.

which, if quartai is kinda.... i guess just straight up racist??? xenophobic? one or both. if quartai is straight up racist, than crystal’s appearance as a fullblooded quartaian would be quite notable! because its like, oh, youre a local! wait, y- youre NOT a local????? what the fuck do you mean youre not a local????? from - from sp- ok. sure. alright whatever you say lady. move the fuck along then. people see this ragtag group with this one quartaian lady and assume, oh, a local with some friends from out of town. well, if thats the company they want to keep, sure. cause it looks almost correct. it almost makes sense. but then you hear her speak, in a distinctly non-quartaian accent, and its like ‘hold on a sec’ but then she’ll say some words with a quartaian twang, relating to adventure, and you have No idea how to process that. what. its wild. doesnt come across in raw text but, you know.

im sure i can roughly justify going o quartai. theyre a generally more spiritual kingdom, with prominent reverence in a specific goddess who is tied in with the geography and economy (Elra), and the royal family are supposedly her descendants on some level. theyd have more specific information about the gods, the history of their involvement in the world, some shit about Dalace (not in depth, tho, just that she took over at one point and it was a Bad time). it depends how much info they can get from light realm? i mean, they arent REALLY supposed to say much. they arent even really supposed to interact with the living. which does make you go 0>0 at Alexa. hot damn. willing to break big rules for some living dick. legendary.

i mean i feel like its better if they DO go to quartai, because it allows them to encounter Alara, who has basically bribed and conned her way into a position of power through some whack shit and has integrated into the community to get some of the Juicy Information. they can meet her in a safe environment and find that she’s weird, they can learn a bit about shit, crystal being quartaian can be emphasised in a sort of coy way (im a shit writer sooo it probably wouldnt read very coy lol) and there can even be some foreshadowing for Violet’s position as minor fire deity. since thats almost definitely what catches alara’s attention. a tall, light haired individual with burning green eyes and an implaceable aura? fascinating. but when Violet doesn’t catch any of Alara’s references (to like, the gods and shit), Alara assumes she’s mistaken and perhaps she’s just sensing a strange combined aura. its not till later in the earth realm, when they meet as protagonist vs antagonist, that she realizes no, she was right on the money the first time. because at this point in the story, the main cast have actually started using magic, and theyve already found that Violet’s use of magic is effortless. and with their magic unlocked, so to speak, violet’s aura is fucking incredible. none of the others can see it, with the possibly exception of either Will or Skye, depending which way dark/light fall re: seeing shit. but Alara is an incredibly well practiced mage and demigoddess, and she knows how to see it, and violet’s is intense. its unmistakeable. alara isnt 100% sure what if she recognizes the aura, for the simply fact that violet disappeared when they were 9 and alara hadnt learnt to see/feel aura at the time. but she thinks she knows what it means. shes confident that violet is some demigod. which god? unclear. until Violet throws a fireball at her and tells her to fuck off.

the only other possible ways for violet to be a fire demigod and NOT being the daughter of Ryaris, are for her to be the daughter of Xen (goddess of wind) OR be a distant descendant of Ryaris via her mortal parent, who is also her mother, and which might overrule the godly disciple of the godly parent. the latter is nigh impossible because Ryaris has only had two children to her knowledge, unless she blacked out during 200 years exile and accidentally boned down. she’s pretty sure she didnt, though. not that thats a topic that comes up, exactly. but ryaris only has two kids. Alara has no children, and Violet is not the right age to be the daughter of Alara’s sister. she is, however, the approximate age to BE Alara’s sister. so is sheactually, or is it cosmic coincidence that two demigods (the fire/wind twins and someone else) were born around the same time? who knows! alara has no idea. violet doesnt have a damn clue either. ita rough.

uhhh this got very lost VERY fast. uhhh tl;dr return the story to its original full fantasy setting (not urban/modern fantasy). akian is the girlfriend to the prince of a kingdom, with crystal being her sister. skye being in a weird state of being commoner but living with royalty, just like crystal. akian and the prince are kidnapped by Ryaris in order to force the kingdom into an awful ransom agreement whereby they will do a bunch of suspicious shit. crystal and skye believe they saw part of the kidnapping take place, and attempt to get information. after a bunch of the royal staff tell them to stop worrying and go home, they go find a non-royal library run by Dawn and her ‘niece’ Violet, who help them find some info. Violet, being very much in the know, hooks them up with Will, an adventurer and cartographer who is planning a visit to a portal he located north of the city. after a lot of negotiating/arguing, Will agrees to let the three of them come along, and off they go. a whole bunch of shit happens, involving a trip to neighbouring kingdom Quartai, where Crystal is treated strangely in relation to the party and they first meet Alara, posing as a foreign noble who takes an immediate interest in Violet.

more shit, they end up in some hidden magic isles south of the continent, which then leads them to the earth realm, where they seek an audience with the goddess of earth Elra, on how they can get an audience with Ryaris, goddess of fire, and most likely the kidnapper. more shit. alara appears again and they have a brief confrontation. that night, violet disappears. after failing to find her, they resolve to press onwards (leaving fucking missing persons signs all over this foreign land and even informing Elra about it). go to fire realm, get captured by Alara, who separates out Crystal in order to interrogate her about her lineage to confirm a suspicion she has that Crystal is long lost quartaian royalty (si). violet is brought in to help, much to their mutual distress, and then alara kicks violet out for just doing an awful job of forcing crystal to talk.violet then breaks everyone else out of jail, sends Akian and the prince home with some guards she trusts to take them back safely, and then they go rescue Crystal. final showdown with Alara. convince alara that Dalace, goddess of darkness, has been lying out her fucking ass the entire time and cant do anything she promised. alara reluctantly agrees to confront Ryaris about it. Ryaris admits thats all true and that she knew from the start Dalace was a lying piece of shit, but, i mean...... yknow....... your wife dies and you havent seen your daughter in over a decade........ white lies are nice. also alara was the one who got sucked in. its complicated.

then they go ‘aight time to fuck with dalace’ and then i have no idea. probably all the goddesses (who theyve met throughout the story) come and tell dalace to stop being a cunt? roll credits.

Ok, so about my situation with Alex (warning, this is a looong read)

Wednesday night (or should I say 12am Thursday morning) I told her I was ready to talk. She said go for it, and i told her some stuff to start, like how her and Jacob’s relationship wasnt really any of my business, and she didnt have to go into any details about anything that she didnt want to. i told her what i remembered hearing about Jacob, and asked her if it was true. she explained that it was a lot more complicated than she let on. They both were going through some stuff when they met, and neither of them were right for each other at the time. It was a mutual thing. She said there was never anyone keeping the other on a tight leash, so to speak, and when i asked her if it was true that they worked everything out and that they were gonna be ok, she assured me that yes, everything would be fine. After that, i told her that i wrote something for her. It was a Google Doc of everything that i wanted to say, everything i wanted to explain on my end, and let her see what happened from my point of view, but since it was over 2,000 words, she didnt have to read it if she didnt want to. I also told her she could stop after “theres something else” if she wanted, because thats when it got to the point that i wasnt sure if i should leave in. She told me of course shes willing to read it, and i sent her the link.

In the document i explained that i was so upset because i never knew exactly how “bad” things were between them the first time, but that i had a picture painted of him as a bad guy. I explained that when i saw her run up and hug him friday night, even though id never seen him before, the fear cropped up that that was Jacob. i told her how i was shaking and when she introduced us i already decided that i hated his guts because of what i thought he was, and how i was confused and mad and hurt that she would go back to him. How that night i went home and bawled my eyes heart and soul out for 2 hours before deciding that i would distance myself from her until i could rationalize this. i wrote about how much it killed me working with her Saturday and having her act like nothing was wrong and still treating me that exact same cutesy way she always did, and how when my sister hosted a party after work, i didnt want to go if Alex was going. But of course the one time i dont want to socialize, by brother drags us there to help my sister move furniture. I told her how i was sort of ok until she showed up, then it hurt so much that i couldnt bare to have my attention anywhere but in my phone, and that i was practically praying for my brother to take us home. I told her how after we left, my brother said that we only left because she texted him saying that i looked like i needed to go home, and how i cried the whole way home because i felt so bad for it being that obvious that i needed to leave, and for being so rude and standoffish towards her that night when she still cared so much for me, even to offer buying me a chocolaty dessert bc i was cramping. i asked her to forgive me for some details i said that i wont go into, and said that i respect her for doing this for herself and no one else. 

I told her that most of why this whole thing had me this distraught is because as far as I knew, he had hurt her before, and now to see her willingly back at his side when he might hurt her again for who knows how much longer this time made me sick to my stomach. But then I told her the other reason why I was so upset was, admittedly, I'm jealous of him.

I said that i didnt want to tell her, because its cliche and dickish to wait until its too late to admit it, but that i think, or thought, that i loved her. for real loved. I told her that i didnt want her now, because its wrong to want for someone who is already in a relationship, but that i had the biggest, hardest, most thought and emotion consuming crush on her. That it was nothing i had ever felt for another human being before. I explained how I started to develop these feelings in November, and thats only because she snapped me saying that i looked nice (when i was wearing pjs and hadnt showered in days) and then that i was cute followed by two separate snaps of kissy faces, so i thought, surely she must like me and im not being silly. And how the thought that she liked me was too tantalizing to ignore. I confessed that i had felt myself start to develop feelings earlier in the year. How early, i wasnt sure, but that God did i try to stop myself from catching these feelings. That i repeated a mantra in my head for months that she didnt Like me, she just loved me as a friend, and that this is how a real friendship feels and that im being silly. 

But i laid it out there that Ive never had a friend call me cute, and so often. I've never had friends drunk-sing love songs to me through another person's snapchat. I've never had a friend snap me a picture of her watching some comedian and say “He’s talking about being in love with this girl. ❤ Love you.” I've never had a friend text me at 2:05 in the morning, unprovoked, just to say “Quick reminder that you’re my favorite and I love you!”, or kiss my face twice the night of our store’s Christmas party, or tell our key manager that only I can cuddle with her. And never have I ever had a friend literally 4 months after we meet tell me that if I got a tattoo, she’d get my initials tattooed on her, and then 9 months later get a tattoo permanently added to her body of a flower that I gave her because “she loves orchids and the people who give them to her”, and then a month after that tell me that every other time she looks at it she cries cause she loves it and says “I love you so much. ❤❤❤” (<- that was the actual chunk of words that i wrote in the Doc) 

I said that yes, I remember all of them. Because they made such an impact on my locked up little affection starved heart that I couldnt even begin to explain how those moments made me feel. And because with each one that would be added, it would prove to me that maybe this was real. Maybe I'm not being paranoid or delusional or just dreaming up a fantasy.

I wrote that despite being convinced that she requited a crush on me, I couldn't bring myself to ask her how she really felt about me, because 1) I was so scared of being wrong that I thought I’d rather sit idly by to see if she’d eventually make the first move. 2) I wasn't out, and am too scared to come out, so even if she did like me back, it's not like we’d be able to be a thing. And 3) She already had my one brother fall for her and then snap because she didn't feel the same way and dated a dude from work instead, and then my eldest brother thinks shes gorgeous and was convinced that she was/is into him, so I thought the last thing she needed/wanted was another kid from my family “falling in love” with her. But that believe me when I say that I've mentally wrestled my hand over my own mouth literally every other day since at least January to stop myself from asking her.

I promised that even as I was writing, that I didnt want her to know. I didnt want her to know because now that shes in a relationship, this just looks like I’m trying to confess my love in a last ditch hope of “winning the girl” and making her want to leave him again for me, but that’s not what I wanted. Letting her know all this just makes everything 1000x more complicated for everyone than it needs to be, not to mention the awkwardness of it. That the only reason I was saying all this is so that she could fully understand why knowing shes back with him affected me as bad as it did, I said bc I can guarantee that any one of her other friends aren't spending their weekend/week crying like a heartbroken middle school girl because their best friend got back with her ex. I admitted I’m jealous, and I’m mad at myself because I feel like I went and got my heart broken, because even after a decade of telling myself that I don't want or need a relationship, I was a fool and let myself catch feelings and fall harder than I imagined, all because someone showed me a little affection. I told her i know that this wasnt inherently her fault, I projected feelings when I shouldn't have, and I can only be reasonable and face the fact that I should've taken a chance months ago, but we all miss doors that stand open for us, and we all regret not taking that first step through when we had the chance. That’s my fault. I made that bed, and now I get to lay in it. I told her that she showed me a love that I've never known, and I never thought I'd know, and for that, I gave her thanks. 

Then i wrote that i’d be ok, as long as she was ok. I swore to her that her happiness and safety matter to me above all else, and that if he treats her with all the love, respect, and gentleness that i wish for her, that would make me happy. I told her that I hope that they are on mutual grounds now, and that they did work it out, and that he treats her like the Earthbound Aphrodite that she should be treated as. Because if he hurts her, it’ll break my heart. I said that if that happens and she leaves him, I won't let myself be the emotional rebound, no matter how desperate I am. (which honestly, i probably shouldnt have said that, or i at least should have added “given that you felt the same way”. but oh well. this is all behind us now.) 

She responded, saying that she wasnt exactly sure what to say, but that she had a feeling she knew what all of this was about. She said that im honestly the best friend she’s had, and shes cares for me so much. That she loves and respects me on another level, and that she was mad at him for coming in last Friday because she was trying to work her way up to talking to me about it. She said that she doesnt want to hurt me by anything she does, and that it was killing her to hide it from me. She promised me that she’ll never stay in a relationship where she wasnt valued or treated well, and that she’ll always be open and honest with anything going on with her. She told me “Thank you for letting me in on everything going on in your head. You’re so special to me.” 

I told her i know, i guess im pretty bad at being subtle and hiding things, but that i keep apologizing bc i didnt want to be that little girl that fell for something that wasnt there, and that i didnt want to burden her with knowing how i felt, especially now that shes in a relationship, and that i never wanted this to happen. I hated that i projected this on her. I promised that she doesnt hurt me, and its not her job to tell me every little detail about her personal life.That im a friend, not a parole officer keeping tabs on every little thing she does. If anything, i hurt myself, but i’ll live. I told her not to be mad at Jacob, because he didnt know, and he especially didnt know that i’d be jealous. I know shes smart and wont stay where shes not valued or treated well, and that she doesnt have to report everything about her life to me, but if she ever wants to tell me something, even if shes anxious about it, she can tell me. I thanked her for being chill and patient with me. I told her its hard for me to get rid of my jealousy so easily, but that i feel im accepting it well, considering this is my first experience with this stuff. I told her i might not be the one for her rihgt now, or even ever, but that when she does find that person, im gonna cheer for her because she deserves that happy ever after. I said as for Jacob, i’d keep an open mind. That he’s just a dude after all. I told her thank you for being so awesome and gentle with me, and that i love her.

EPISODE FOUR: “FUCK WITH ME AND YOU’RE DEAD” - ADRIAN

Remember how I said that Adrian thinking Brian is Heidik is good for my game? Well that's entirely true! Brian and I had talked a little bit before, but it hadn't been anything good. However, once this Heidik inside joke came up, we started having some great conversations. We're pretty similar actually, which is incredible. We both like working with people who we like rather than people we can beat. There's also a bunch of real life similarities, and we get along pretty well. We're both REALLY enjoying Adrian's gullibility, which is a huge plus. He shared his google doc of possible idol locations with me to fill out a little bit more, and I discovered that Kai is the other person on the doc. Excellent!!! I love my position on this tribe. He also let me in on the Chris vote and what exactly happened. I just assumed 4 people came together to blindside Chris, but in reality, it was a 3 person thing with Jaiden at the center. Jaiden had a Chaos idol, which made it so that the person with the least votes would be voted out. If it was a tie, then there would be a rock draw. Brian played his "secret tribal" advantage which made Jaiden safe from having everyone know that he was the one who screwed our tribe over, and Brian voted for me due to Jaiden's suggestion to keep me safe. Alledgedly. I can't imagine Jaiden wanting to keep me safe, but I can tolerate Brian having lied to me. It's a perfectly logical lie to tell, but I'd think Jaiden would rather protect himself than me. Jaiden is playing super fucking hard, and I think it's really funny. I'd like to keep him around, because he's a massive target when the merge hits, just because people don't want irrational people in power.

i'm hungry too

I'm feeling in a good position in this tribe.. me and Brian are definitely in some form of power postion because we've been talking to two pairs of people so..feeling good

I'm a paranoid mess I swear I thought I was gonna get blindsided so I would have to play my idol when the voted ended up being unanimous lmao. I do feel horrible for Mitch tho but I wish him the best ❤ But now my lil alliance with Lily and Nicholas and Dana has control so hopefully we are all mergees wee woo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PMntAfl2Ag&feature=youtu.be

hola long time no see! whew so our tribe just voted out mitch and i feel bad because he was such a nice king. i dont really care that he voted for me bc i never really put in the effort to talk to him! either way i am in a GREAT position right now. i have zach and jenna who will do whatever i say. and i also have queen lily who is my #1 in this game and is such a loyal ally and such a good person to include me in an alliance with her, willa and dana! something that will make sure i know about willa's idol plans and i can choose what info to leak to jenna and zach to make sure my targets go home. i am pretty close with gage too so i doubt he would target me either! life is pretty good right now and i put in some effort to help with immunity and i should be good this round no matter what happens!

so idk what's happening in this game and who's with who because we really haven't gone to tribal recently. i'm in two alliances that consider to be the majority so i think i'm safe if it does come down to it. jaiden is really far up my ass so if he hears anything about my name being thrown around he'll make sure i don't go, love that kid. but anyways hopefully we can win immunity and hopefully merge is soon idk how survivor works but all i know is that i have friends on the other tribe who won't go against meh!

Honestly, I hate the tumblr tags challenge. Because everyone is like "idk how to use tumblr." Like bitches, it is NOT hard pls. Then everyone else is like "haha this is so funny," and i'm like pls I am the last great king of comedy, this is dumb as fuck. But whatever, judges are judgin right now and hopefully things are workin out in our favor because shit do I have some thoughts on how our next vote might go down. Last night we voted Mitch, which was lowkey kind of easy because he said he would self-vote/ might have to leave because he was vv sick. So everyone kind of came together on that. I talked to Jenna for the first time and she just asked me, BLUNTLY might I add, who the target was. Now I said idk, even though I knew it was Mitch. Then she came to me and was like, I'm hearin Mitch so I was like "ya just heard that," which was like 1/2 tru. I was wondering where she heard that, but initially didn't really think about it. So everything worked out fine last night and me and my hidden immunity idol child were safe. Tribe chat rn has me SHOOK though. Because I'm starting to realize that not only is Jenna close with Zach, she is close to Nick too. For some reason Nick knows her ex GF's name? Which is S K E T C H. anyway they are closer than I initially thought. Well i'm not dumb, so things are starting to come together. Nick probably told Jenna that Mitch was the target first before/ while she was talking to me. Now this gets complicated, because Willa, Nick, Lily, and I are in an "alliance." Last night before we solidified on Mitch this is what happened in the alliance chat. [5/30/17, 6:36:22 PM] Lily Douma: Zach is awesome. I would love to have Zach around. I'm concerned about a certain duo (Jenna and Zach) so Jenna might be a good call for this vote. But I'm fine with Mitch too cause it might be hard for him to be active in our tribe considering the pneumonia [5/30/17, 6:37:34 PM] WillagonMasuta: I'd feel bad for voting Mitch out but perhaps it's for the best for both him and us. However i think Jenna is certainly more threatening [5/30/17, 6:39:17 PM] Lily Douma: That's true. This sounds like such a bad breakup [5/30/17, 6:44:12 PM] Lily Douma: I agree. I'm totally down to vote for Mitch but likeeee I also feel like we might regret not taking Jenna out when we could have. Ughhh [5/30/17, 6:47:16 PM] WillagonMasuta: You down to vote Jenna then? [5/30/17, 6:50:44 PM] nicholas [sinnoh host]: hi guys I’m home! [5/30/17, 6:51:01 PM] Dana Barry: Ah fuck sorry i was nappin! Im here [5/30/17, 7:00:38 PM] Dana Barry: So what's the plan? I probably have to vote soon because my friend and her bf just broke up and i need to go help her handle her life [5/30/17, 7:02:03 PM] nicholas [sinnoh host]: whew ok id prefer to vote mitch bc he seems like more of a comp threat later on down the line but if i am the only one who wants to vote mitch i will do whatever yall legends want [5/30/17, 7:08:08 PM] Dana Barry: Do we know if Jenna and Zach are planning on voting Mitch? [5/30/17, 7:08:29 PM] nicholas [sinnoh host]: yeah i think so [5/30/17, 7:09:36 PM] Dana Barry: Ok I haven’t talked to Zach about it, but it seemed Jenna was so maybe there is more security in sticking with Mitch? (in case Gage finds his way back here in like 2 hrs?) But hoenstly doesnt matter to me! Two things about Nick in this conversation stand out to me, and I'm kind of just realizing this today as I read it back, which I only did because I was thrown off by them talking in tribe chat. 1) Nick says he would prefer Mitch to Jenna. Ok, innocent enough if you don't know that Nick and Jenna are pals and Nick is probs keepin her around so he can work with her now or later. 2) When I ask if we know how Jenna and Zach are planning to vote, Nick responds saying he thinks they are voting Mitch also, letting us all know he's been talking to either one or both of them. Alright, so now we get to the part of this confessional where we talk about how this impacts miss me, the queen of this shady tribe. Nick is untrustworthy at this point. He could be in my current alliance, but also likely has one with Jenna and Zach. Idc if he even does or not, im operating under that assumption moving forward. This means: 1) I am going to be vague as fuck (as I already have been) in the alliance chat. I throw out no names, pretend to pop in last minute etc. This way if Nick is feeding info, it's not anything coming from my mouth. 2) Talk to Gage more. Gage is one of the people on my tribe i've talked to the most. He isn't in my "alliance," but he made it clear he wants to work with me. I need him in case Nick isn't being loyal. That still gives me 4-3 advantage if Nick flips. 3) Talk to Nick 1-1. The best way I can stay informed here is by getting close with Nick. That way I gain access to some info he has. I might even spill one of my idol clues to him if I feel like that would solidify trust. I will make him want to be my closest ally. This way he will feel like i'm working with him, not our alliance, which can only benefit me. 4) Get closer with Zach and Jenna. Be as honest as possible with them. This way if they know about the "alliance" from Nick, they know i'm still a free agent of sorts. 5) Get ready to make a move and be problematique if necessary. I can't go forward in this game with a 2-3 person group that is this close. IF they get to the merge, and join up with Julia, who we already know Zach is friends with, and Jaiden (who is friends with Julia, debatable?), that could really fuck things up for me. Even though I will be re-joining Bodhi if I get that far. This is why i need Gage. Because i don't want to cause suspicion around myself by doubting Nick's trust in front of Willa or Lily. If they don't catch on to Nick's other connections, they might accidentally say the wrong thing and seal their fate. By avoiding saying the wrong things myself, one of them can take the bullet for me. But I also could pull Gage, Willa, and Lily together to make a move if I had to. That would need to be a VERY last minute move to avoid giving people time to go talk about it without me, but I'm ready to do it in order to break up this group if I have to. Finally, I got a 10% disadvantage when looking for the hidden immunity idol. I know, WHY WOULDN'T THIS HAPPEN TO ME. Like I've said, i'm going to need an immunity idol per round to make it through this game alive. I decided (I think) that i'm just going to be up front with my tribe and tell them about the disadvantage to build trust. I'd rather them hear it from me than the hosts. If we win this challenge, i'll tell them right away. If not, i'll tell them right after tribal (assuming I make it past the vote) and just doctor the times on my "quoted" messages with Logan to make it look like I looked right before our tribal, that way it doesn't factor into me potentially going home. I know- genius. Hopefully we win immunity though i got my doubts! Time to go initiate conversation with Nick!

i feel like i did 99% of the work on this but it's actually ok bc i love tumblr and my blog has had a solid 250 followers since 2011 so i have blog experience™

I don't know what I'm going to do. Jaiden fucked up the challenge, even if nobody talked but I think he did most of it so... but Adrian hates me and Brian is sketchy to me. Bodhi is annoying.

Tonight, I think something big is gonna happen. I hope I don't have to whip out my sapphire idol because who KNOWS what's really going to happen. All I know for sure is that the vote is between Adrian and Brian, I think... Brian was gunning for Adrian, while Rob might be gunning for Brian. Who knows what's going to happen, honestly. Brian has the clue to the idol so I'm not really sure if he's found it yet or if he's even shared it with anyone else. He promised he would send it to me when he received it but then never actually sent it, so it's obviously a huge concern that he's going to nab it before we have the chance to blindside him. It's weird how quiet he's being today and I just have this suspicion that he's coming after me, which is incredibly ugly. Kai hasn't talked to me much either. As it stands, Julia and I are the flip votes for tonight's tribal council. Bodhi, Kai, and Brian on one side, then Adrian and Rob on the other. I don't really trust the former, but Adrian is quite annoying and I wouldn't mind seeing him go either... We'll have to wait and see. The decision Julia and I will make must be made as soon as possible because I'm extremely scared on what will happen if we mess this up...

But here's another thing. I think Brian would be expecting us to vote him out this round. Theres nothing I can do if he already has the immunity idol except hope for a swap after tonight and I don't have to worry about him coming after me with it in his possession. So why don't we go for someone else that no one would expect? I don't trust Kai as far as I can throw him and I already have a feeling that he's a catfish. It's just so unlikely that, under the circumstances, this total newbie is gonna sign up and play this game. I don't trust him. Maybe instead of Brian, it'll be Kai. We'll see. All I know is that I might have a lot more control over my alliance than they think.

I'm kind of glad we lost this challenge because it means we can get rid of the person on the bottom and hopefully things will get more interesting!

Why did rob have to leave he was my best friend.

so rob walked and im kinda upset by it because me him and jaiden we're rly close but i think me and jaiden will be able to survive without him. from what i heard, ive gotten the best time on the puzzle and im hoping that even if we do go to tribal these men wont want to vote me out. i think im in a good position on my tribe and when merge happens ill be in an even BETTER position. hopefully i can keep on floating by and everyone will think im an idiot B)

So I guess tribal got cancelled. In every ORG, there's always someone who goes home because they didn't do the challenges or they decided to leave for personal reasons. Quits are profoundly different than a medical evacuation because its the decision to leave over something you feel hinders your ability to continue playing... I should know. Rob quit today, and sometimes you see it coming from a mile away. Sometimes it hits you like a train, and that's how it felt to see that he left. Rob is one of my good friends outside of this and of course I set into immediate panic mode that something is wrong with someone I care about. I'm still panicking. I don't know what came about him today to make him choose to leave but I hope it's something he can deal with... I worry too much about these things. I don't want anything to be wrong with him. Although this is a game, you're still surrounded by people you know and likely have some level of feeling towards. It just so happens I was put in this game with a close friend of mine, and now he's gone. He didn't get voted out. He took himself out of the game. I've been in that position before where I've wanted to leave and tell no one, and when its for something personal like he says, I am brought back to those dark places I've been where leaving was the only option I had. To even think that he's going through anything remotely similar to what I went through is heartbreaking... I shouldn't be confessing this but I am. I care about Rob. I hope he's okay. I need to pick myself up and not dwell on something I have no control over because the game is still afoot and no one else needs time to think about what they could've done to change his mind. Maybe it was for the better for him. These games mean nothing when your real life is being played with... I wish I could've understood that a lot earlier than I do now. If I can still press on, I'm going to always tell myself that this was for Rob. I hope I make him, and everyone else who believes in me, proud.

So I'm really happy with how the last round went down. I was about to be booted off by some idiot that thought it would be funny to pull. But in the end- Rob spared me from elimination. Only providing me more time to concoct a plan to get rid of Brian in the days to come xoxo Fuck with me and you're dead. Bitch.

If we win this with a half hungover tribe with a 10% disadvantage then I will probably die. Fortunately going to tribal is no big deal since Jenna can just go, I think she's hilarious but shes a threat not aligned with me so buh bye.

AAAANNDDD WE'RE BACK! Working on the puzzle challenge right now with my 10% disadvantage. I got 4:32 right now, which goes up to 4:59 with the disadvantage. And here I was, thinking that my score would certainly be the worst. BUT NO. Because Jenna got 6:19, which isn't good, and says she can't do it again. How am I over a minute faster than someone WHEN I HAVE A DISADVANTAGE. That literally SHOULD NOT happen. I just want us to win so I don't have to think about tribal. It's also funny as fuck because I told my tribe about the disadvantage, and they're actin like i'm really facing a lot of adversity and they keep cheering me on. Like I don't give a fuck about what this disadvantage means for me personally, i'm not even sad about it, I just didn't want my tribe to think I was dishonest so I was upfront about it. Also my plan to get close to Nick is like vaguely working. I think i'm going to drop him an idol clue if we lose this challenge. Gage and I are getting closer too. He sent me this last night, which is what he got when he went to exile: [6/2/17, 12:38:46 AM] Gage :): Hello I want you to have this [6/2/17, 12:38:49 AM] Gage :): While in the triangle you find a rolled up piece of paper. You wait till you get back to open it, and it says this: missing just like you, look to the flight with more than 2 You are searching for a password to enter into this password protected blog: https://survivorbahamasidol.tumblr.com/ And when I got this message I was like FUCK YA,  i'm goin to start looking for that idol, except then the hosts told me I can't soooo basically Gage's information is of no use to me. But it does show me that there is some trust there. Hopefully I'll get exiled because I got some ideas on how I could decipher this clue. 

I'm sorry for not writing sooner. I suck. I know. A lot has happened. I have an alliance on my new tribe at Isabella (not fixing that I'm on mobile...typical). It consists of me Nicholas, Willa, and Dana. I think this is the best for me. I love Zach but he has badly betrayed me before and keeping my tribe stronger and snagging Dana on the side is really the best option. Jenna is clearly a major threat. She is great in a lot of the more creative challenges. I hope that after this vote Zach will still want to vote with Nicholas and I and just understand how much of a threat Jenna was. This is a tough and terrible vote. Very unexpected compared to the last vote for Mitch. Mitch was an easy vote. Very sad because I miss Mitch and I hope he is doing better! But everyone agreed it was best for the tribe moving forward. And I'm not sure if voting Jenna is the best decision but I think it will at least help me for a while. It might be a big risk but sometimes that's what pays off. I'm off to Grand Rapids and have a busy day tomorrow so hopefully I don't fuck up another challenge. I feel like I'm always just not as good at some of these challenges but at least I'm still trying and not sitting out. I'm having a blast meeting so many amazing people again this game. Can't wait to see what happens next because I can sense a merge. 

I'm in a good spot on my tribe, and I don't want to overplay. As a result, this pre-merge is becoming incredibly boring. I'm at least a little close with pretty much everyone on the tribe. I've got Dana as a super close ally on the other tribe. If everything comes together just right, Kai's allies on the other tribe are working with Dana, and he + Brian can reunite with their old friends, bringing me along, and not realizing that Dana and I are going to consume them all. But for now I just wait for my tribe to lose immunity or something like that to happen. 

Me? Going missing? It's more likely than you think.

i hope the frick its merge soon! i love everyone left on our tribe and if we dont merge soon im going to literally go ape shit if i have to vote off either lily, dana or willa or zach! > : (

how DARE THEY use the time while i have sex to PLOT AGAINST ME ! lily? dana? jokes on #you bc i have a #votesteal and #nicholasismydad and #zachismyson . that's 4 votes sweetie :*