Ok, so about my situation with Alex (warning, this is a looong read)

Wednesday night (or should I say 12am Thursday morning) I told her I was ready to talk. She said go for it, and i told her some stuff to start, like how her and Jacob’s relationship wasnt really any of my business, and she didnt have to go into any details about anything that she didnt want to. i told her what i remembered hearing about Jacob, and asked her if it was true. she explained that it was a lot more complicated than she let on. They both were going through some stuff when they met, and neither of them were right for each other at the time. It was a mutual thing. She said there was never anyone keeping the other on a tight leash, so to speak, and when i asked her if it was true that they worked everything out and that they were gonna be ok, she assured me that yes, everything would be fine. After that, i told her that i wrote something for her. It was a Google Doc of everything that i wanted to say, everything i wanted to explain on my end, and let her see what happened from my point of view, but since it was over 2,000 words, she didnt have to read it if she didnt want to. I also told her she could stop after “theres something else” if she wanted, because thats when it got to the point that i wasnt sure if i should leave in. She told me of course shes willing to read it, and i sent her the link.

In the document i explained that i was so upset because i never knew exactly how “bad” things were between them the first time, but that i had a picture painted of him as a bad guy. I explained that when i saw her run up and hug him friday night, even though id never seen him before, the fear cropped up that that was Jacob. i told her how i was shaking and when she introduced us i already decided that i hated his guts because of what i thought he was, and how i was confused and mad and hurt that she would go back to him. How that night i went home and bawled my eyes heart and soul out for 2 hours before deciding that i would distance myself from her until i could rationalize this. i wrote about how much it killed me working with her Saturday and having her act like nothing was wrong and still treating me that exact same cutesy way she always did, and how when my sister hosted a party after work, i didnt want to go if Alex was going. But of course the one time i dont want to socialize, by brother drags us there to help my sister move furniture. I told her how i was sort of ok until she showed up, then it hurt so much that i couldnt bare to have my attention anywhere but in my phone, and that i was practically praying for my brother to take us home. I told her how after we left, my brother said that we only left because she texted him saying that i looked like i needed to go home, and how i cried the whole way home because i felt so bad for it being that obvious that i needed to leave, and for being so rude and standoffish towards her that night when she still cared so much for me, even to offer buying me a chocolaty dessert bc i was cramping. i asked her to forgive me for some details i said that i wont go into, and said that i respect her for doing this for herself and no one else. 

I told her that most of why this whole thing had me this distraught is because as far as I knew, he had hurt her before, and now to see her willingly back at his side when he might hurt her again for who knows how much longer this time made me sick to my stomach. But then I told her the other reason why I was so upset was, admittedly, I'm jealous of him.

I said that i didnt want to tell her, because its cliche and dickish to wait until its too late to admit it, but that i think, or thought, that i loved her. for real loved. I told her that i didnt want her now, because its wrong to want for someone who is already in a relationship, but that i had the biggest, hardest, most thought and emotion consuming crush on her. That it was nothing i had ever felt for another human being before. I explained how I started to develop these feelings in November, and thats only because she snapped me saying that i looked nice (when i was wearing pjs and hadnt showered in days) and then that i was cute followed by two separate snaps of kissy faces, so i thought, surely she must like me and im not being silly. And how the thought that she liked me was too tantalizing to ignore. I confessed that i had felt myself start to develop feelings earlier in the year. How early, i wasnt sure, but that God did i try to stop myself from catching these feelings. That i repeated a mantra in my head for months that she didnt Like me, she just loved me as a friend, and that this is how a real friendship feels and that im being silly. 

But i laid it out there that Ive never had a friend call me cute, and so often. I've never had friends drunk-sing love songs to me through another person's snapchat. I've never had a friend snap me a picture of her watching some comedian and say “He’s talking about being in love with this girl. ❤ Love you.” I've never had a friend text me at 2:05 in the morning, unprovoked, just to say “Quick reminder that you’re my favorite and I love you!”, or kiss my face twice the night of our store’s Christmas party, or tell our key manager that only I can cuddle with her. And never have I ever had a friend literally 4 months after we meet tell me that if I got a tattoo, she’d get my initials tattooed on her, and then 9 months later get a tattoo permanently added to her body of a flower that I gave her because “she loves orchids and the people who give them to her”, and then a month after that tell me that every other time she looks at it she cries cause she loves it and says “I love you so much. ❤❤❤” (<- that was the actual chunk of words that i wrote in the Doc) 

I said that yes, I remember all of them. Because they made such an impact on my locked up little affection starved heart that I couldnt even begin to explain how those moments made me feel. And because with each one that would be added, it would prove to me that maybe this was real. Maybe I'm not being paranoid or delusional or just dreaming up a fantasy.

I wrote that despite being convinced that she requited a crush on me, I couldn't bring myself to ask her how she really felt about me, because 1) I was so scared of being wrong that I thought I’d rather sit idly by to see if she’d eventually make the first move. 2) I wasn't out, and am too scared to come out, so even if she did like me back, it's not like we’d be able to be a thing. And 3) She already had my one brother fall for her and then snap because she didn't feel the same way and dated a dude from work instead, and then my eldest brother thinks shes gorgeous and was convinced that she was/is into him, so I thought the last thing she needed/wanted was another kid from my family “falling in love” with her. But that believe me when I say that I've mentally wrestled my hand over my own mouth literally every other day since at least January to stop myself from asking her.

I promised that even as I was writing, that I didnt want her to know. I didnt want her to know because now that shes in a relationship, this just looks like I’m trying to confess my love in a last ditch hope of “winning the girl” and making her want to leave him again for me, but that’s not what I wanted. Letting her know all this just makes everything 1000x more complicated for everyone than it needs to be, not to mention the awkwardness of it. That the only reason I was saying all this is so that she could fully understand why knowing shes back with him affected me as bad as it did, I said bc I can guarantee that any one of her other friends aren't spending their weekend/week crying like a heartbroken middle school girl because their best friend got back with her ex. I admitted I’m jealous, and I’m mad at myself because I feel like I went and got my heart broken, because even after a decade of telling myself that I don't want or need a relationship, I was a fool and let myself catch feelings and fall harder than I imagined, all because someone showed me a little affection. I told her i know that this wasnt inherently her fault, I projected feelings when I shouldn't have, and I can only be reasonable and face the fact that I should've taken a chance months ago, but we all miss doors that stand open for us, and we all regret not taking that first step through when we had the chance. That’s my fault. I made that bed, and now I get to lay in it. I told her that she showed me a love that I've never known, and I never thought I'd know, and for that, I gave her thanks. 

Then i wrote that i’d be ok, as long as she was ok. I swore to her that her happiness and safety matter to me above all else, and that if he treats her with all the love, respect, and gentleness that i wish for her, that would make me happy. I told her that I hope that they are on mutual grounds now, and that they did work it out, and that he treats her like the Earthbound Aphrodite that she should be treated as. Because if he hurts her, it’ll break my heart. I said that if that happens and she leaves him, I won't let myself be the emotional rebound, no matter how desperate I am. (which honestly, i probably shouldnt have said that, or i at least should have added “given that you felt the same way”. but oh well. this is all behind us now.) 

She responded, saying that she wasnt exactly sure what to say, but that she had a feeling she knew what all of this was about. She said that im honestly the best friend she’s had, and shes cares for me so much. That she loves and respects me on another level, and that she was mad at him for coming in last Friday because she was trying to work her way up to talking to me about it. She said that she doesnt want to hurt me by anything she does, and that it was killing her to hide it from me. She promised me that she’ll never stay in a relationship where she wasnt valued or treated well, and that she’ll always be open and honest with anything going on with her. She told me “Thank you for letting me in on everything going on in your head. You’re so special to me.” 

I told her i know, i guess im pretty bad at being subtle and hiding things, but that i keep apologizing bc i didnt want to be that little girl that fell for something that wasnt there, and that i didnt want to burden her with knowing how i felt, especially now that shes in a relationship, and that i never wanted this to happen. I hated that i projected this on her. I promised that she doesnt hurt me, and its not her job to tell me every little detail about her personal life.That im a friend, not a parole officer keeping tabs on every little thing she does. If anything, i hurt myself, but i’ll live. I told her not to be mad at Jacob, because he didnt know, and he especially didnt know that i’d be jealous. I know shes smart and wont stay where shes not valued or treated well, and that she doesnt have to report everything about her life to me, but if she ever wants to tell me something, even if shes anxious about it, she can tell me. I thanked her for being chill and patient with me. I told her its hard for me to get rid of my jealousy so easily, but that i feel im accepting it well, considering this is my first experience with this stuff. I told her i might not be the one for her rihgt now, or even ever, but that when she does find that person, im gonna cheer for her because she deserves that happy ever after. I said as for Jacob, i’d keep an open mind. That he’s just a dude after all. I told her thank you for being so awesome and gentle with me, and that i love her.