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Tracking up rails
Keep me uphold
Blinded by the light
Its a secret untold
A million years pass
But i still dont see your face
This world is such a mess
But home is not a place
I’m longing to call this place my own
Its my home
Chained to my legs
Tied from my mind
Be careful watch your steps
She’ll reach out from behind
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i know that he doesnt want to post it cause he doesnt want to put the term ‘gf’ on there , honestly im hardly ever in shot or in any sweet post , hell post about a bunch of stuff but its never on me , i see kev and his gf and hes just so sweet to her , and i here thinkig like damn that could have been me , i could have been hyped like that , hes not ashamed to strut his girl on his feed , good for her , good for him . he just wants to look ‘available’ but why to who , is it one of the girls amongst the few that dms him on insta ? the ones i pretend to not notice , the ones i choose to be okay with . im tired being the crazy gf , just now for a second i wa upset , i was thinkig like what could it possibly have been to had made him not want to share it . maybe he tracy made hi a pessimist and he just doesnt see future in us , i mean why should he
im always trying to find fault i everything ,
shit always seeems to just fuck up all the time ,
i thought abut telling him asking him
that is it because he doesnt want to put the word “gf ” on his insta , thats why he doesnt want to post it , but idk
i decided fuck it
why a i worrying about this
i could jsut work on me work on my assignments ,
im getting bad again
i keep thinkig about it , that feeling just sucks , and i dont want it anymore
its not that im suffering , but its that it never feels better , im lways seeking for happiness i dont have
but im holding myself back cause its unfair
i could really just go right now
but theres people down here that need me and i dont wanna hurt them , i cant hurt him
but if im hurting is it worth it
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idk why but im feeling depressed again
the other day i woke up from a dream , i was sitting in bryans apartment and he sat on the couch and that bitch was there , she had her hair up which is weird how i can picture what that looks like when i never really seen her like that . she was sitting on the couch beside bryan and she put her hands into his hair and her hands reached out to his and they were holding hands , and it hurt so much , but idk why but i was glad that i could jsut quit it with my obsession cause i was right and it hurt me but it fulllfillled what ive always feared , i woke up and i cried , i think he just got back to bed it was like 4 am something , i sat up to breath and he asked me whats up , i said i had a bad dream , but he just fell right back into bed , it felt vulneruble , i was in pain and in need and the person that could make me feel better just couldnt , it felt like shit , i tried to go back to sleeep but then i had another dream where he cheated on me , when i woke up i kow i knew what the dream was but i didnt focus on being sad about it , cause when i was sad about the first dream i rememebred it so i just distracted my mind , and till today i still dont know what it wa but i just knew that he cheated on me in the dream .
i know i dont wanna be presumptuous or something , but god showed me about austi through the dream , and i told that to austin and he didnt admit he was lying , whats if this is god tellig me again , he should bhave just gotten it wrong the first time . all i know was that i knew what that hurt felt and i woke up like ive been crying the whole night ,
its since then made me so depressed . i dont kow what i feel about all of this , but i feel a little fucked up , i feel fucking weak in everything i see i see sadness i see hatred , wheres the joy that i found a while ago , where is she ,
ive been doing so goood not being obsesssed with his ex , but shes literally like a nightmare icepting into my brain , i see any girl with her physique i just , i stare and wonder if its her , and i completely loose it , theres a fear that bundles in me , why am i so fucking afraid of one fucking person . i feel so hurt i just , im not bad yet , but im getting there , i feel the crawls on my arms the goosebumps ,the heaviness and fatigue , i feel depressed and i jsut dont want him to see me like thiss
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i feel , bad idk , nothing is up , im just not feeling my best . im stressed and im thinking about death a lot , like i keep thinking that someday i will out myself ,i keep understanding how 2 dimentional life is and how shitty it can be and how im so restricted and that i cant just live my life, it terrifies me that im not entirely hapy , idk i just feel like shit
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if you want your heart to be stabbed a with a knife
if you want your heart ripped out a thousand times
if you want the love i have
well trust me you wished you passed
cause theres nothing more fucked up than this
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what the fuck just happened , idk whats wrong with my mind , what is going thru my thought process , but why the fuck ca i be so dumb , how can i be so dumb a second time i god trying to hint at my with soethig , right before im passing it to fix sommore , what the fuck , theres really soething wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me , sometimes i can be the most dumbest twat how will i learn omg
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why does his lips taste like honey
why do they think i want them for their money
ive got more on my back than i can make
Call me sugar
Call me spice
Call me independent
or divorced three times
theyll say what they want but theyll come back for more
but hey thats what are mommies for
I know its different
To feel like a toy
Dont mind those eyes baby , youre my lover boy
and im not getting any more younger they say
but like aged wine im as good as chardonnay
it gets a little tired to be here inspired by the gold
hanging from my chest
yes i need someone to spoil and love
yes i need somene to rock my lonely world
if its you , baby its you i dont mind
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why do i settle down
to men who dont give a shit
and give me a frown
diamonds , and flowers
will thrill me for an hour
but they wont last till the end
why does his lips taste like honey
why do they think i want them for their money
ive got more on my back than i can make
Call me sugar
Call me spice
Call me independent
or divorced three times
theyll say what they want
but theyll come back for more
but hey thats what are mommies for
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im glad we decided to get back together again , because honestly i miss him ,
though i feel that i should take this lightly , too often than not i find that i gnore problems or dot keep up if thr is imporvement , maybe sometimes there is but i dont see it cause i just want to rush into getting back together
so here are what i feel like i need to view and see
1 . that there is a level of compromise between both of us , of i dot want to be too harsh o him and him on me
2 . i want to see that he is trying and that it lasts ,
3 . the tabs should disappear , this is a relationship , not a competition
and honestly , its hard but im trying , i did have thoughts that trail to suddely think of his ex but i put them away , i cant help it sometimes cause every girl out there that skank look like her so when i look at those girls im just reminded, but i need to stay strong and not corode my mind
i thought of easing slowly into beign intimate with each other , but he made me so horny and we were just rubbing against each other .. his dick was pressed up against me and i was so wet he could just slide into me , it was so hard to resist , lol ok im getting distracted , erm ya , cause okok i dont want him to owe it to me or me to him just because of sex , cause we result to sex very often , and our sex is really great so sometimes it can just create a fake intimacy , and i dont want sex to be the only reason to be intimate with someone , but like yeah , that plan kinda failed lmao ,
but i mean , im glad , cause i missed his love and i miss loving him , i could get so lst jsut looking at him , idk man , lve is pretty crazy and it fucks me up sometimes but with him it all seems worth it
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ive been thinking , so much into everything . and what ive heared from others brings light into what i should do .
the truth is i have a problem , and its the fact that im obsessed with his past , its weird because johnathan used to be like a womanizer as he told me and i didnt put that on him , but it didnt matter cause those relationships werent serious i guess , but with bry , it was something serious , but i need to jut stop thinking about it . i dont know why i need to cmpare and make sure that he treats me better than hes ever treated her , well its because im insecure . why am i insecure, because its the turn of events that happen that doesnt help me mark my territory as a gf , tracy coming to his house, him not defending me in front of sohan , him being less affectionate to me than tracy. he says he compliments more but i see the comments he leaves on her old pictures on facebook , hes never even looked at a picture i posted and told me i look pretty , am i not enough ?
but in truth if he truly loved me , he’d do anything to prevent me from feeling so hurt . the thing is , is that if he thinks it doesnt effect him , he believes it shouldnt effect me , and that i have to compromise just cause i dont see it in the way that he does . what tan said was right .
his strengths is that he does not look into my past, but its also his weakness where he cannot understand my hurt , and he dont understand why i let it effect me .
my strengths are that im an affectionate person but the weakness to that is that i want to accept the same affections back , which he is unable to provide me .
but it effects me , it effects me so bad , but i trynot to talk about it because , he cant do anything about his past and i dont wanna be that gf that keeps bringing up his ex , but still i feel insecure .you see in your case , your role of action is that i suck it up and deal with it , i just want a little bit of effort from his side , is he gonna do anything about it , or is it just gonna be me fighting this battle , isnt the whole point of being in a relationship to lesson the burden , why is it that i have so much . if his go to is “ im already sweet , you just need to deal with it “ i dont see any compromise there . and thats one sentence that i keep hearing . it makes me scared . what if i need other sacrifices in the future , would he tell me to just settle with what he has already sacrificed ? am i in a position of a gf , and who knows what else in the future to ask and deserve more ? i need to know that im in this with someone who will put the same effort , otherwise itll just be one sided .
im not ready to loose him , but i know so many girls that would make the mistake of not exiting early , mum told me shes so sien with her bf she can go days and no care anymore , i dont wanna get to the same extent where im depressed and helpless , holding on to nothing jsut because “i love him”
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i cant think when you float, through my mind
i cant feel when i ,just want to die
when you tore up my heart , please dont bring it back in pieces
just leave it here to die
we could be just friends , better to ignore it
i know its a lie
we used to be so sweet , back when we were fine
then it just stopped , and i dont know why
when you tore up my heart , please dont bring it back in pieces
just leave it here to die
we could be just friends , better to ignore it
i know its a lie
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i dont know if ill end up sending you this but i need to speak my mind , so whther youre getting this or not idk , if you are then its probably a good sign i think . maybe it shows that i just ready tot alk about it , if not , well then fuck me i just need to rant
its so stupid . its so so stupid .its october , we’re almost 8 months in this relationship . its been a year and 8 months since he broke up with her . but i cant shake the thought in my mind that , something lingers , something just doesnt settle right
ive grown crazy , ive gorwn obsessive , the way a creepy serial killer plans its killings , my mind has not settled down for one minute . its tracy . why dont i feel easy with this name , why do i need to constantly stalk and make myself feel terrible that she came before me , why do i envy , why do i feel less about my looks because of how she looks , why do i feel bryan is settling for less because LESS means less of a chance to cheat on him , i mean hey lets be real , i probably dont attract as much guys as she does , i may not be the skinniest , hottest , prettiest girl . Shes gonna be the one flooded with crushes , while im just here , wearing the same goddamn sweater to school attracting no eye .
without a doubt hes comfortable , but not because theres trust within the relationship , but because its comfortable , im not gonna cheat , im more in love with him than he is with me , im his hype girl , im a safe bet , always , thats just who i am , why am i doing this to myself , i dont know
my heart hopes to god that my loyalty isnt the only factor siding by my side compared to her . but why do i think that , well the answer is simple , i mean he said it himself , he practically warned me , hes not gonna make me the romance that evey girl wants to feel ,
ill never be loved in a way that makes it sound like “hey i could have any other girl , but i want you and only you “
a love that will give me a strut in my walk
a love that will make me secure that everything i am is enough
i try to be enough
sometimes i believe i am enough , giving all my love just to keep him close
but im so weary and i need to feel that unconditioning love ,
it doesnt make sense because he loves me so much ,
but why do i walk around sunway pyramid intimidated hoping i dont run into her
theres a power in her strut and she knows it
she knew it when she walked into bryans house without a feeling hasitation , permission ? she knows she has that power over him , that effect , an effect i will never fully grasp
he gave her the confidence , the power to think she could walk into her exs house anytime she wants , anytime she pleases , and when it happened he did nothing
when sohan was rude and told me i look like an aunty , he did nothing
when i was ignored and left out of a conversation , he did nothing
i wouldnt call him a coward no , in fact idk what you call that
and ive been so oblivious to the signs , im always there to comfort myself , tell myself its ok , cause no one will , he wont , he hasnt been there for me when it was necessary
its funny cause, its started from an issue on her to an issue about him
which makes me wonder , if he gave me the confidence to feel rightful in my place , as a girlfriend , would i still feel this way ?
i just know that theres a small part of worth i wish i could ever feel that makes me think that in a crowded room of people , he only sees one face shining brighter , maybe i hyped lov too much , maybe that never happens , or im the only one feeling it , idk how it got to this , how did i become so depressed so fast .
i just want a day when im not obsessing my mind over her , i want to let go . i know he will never go back to her i think , i know he wants me for right now , but its probably not the same
idk what to do
accept it that ill never be on parr ? try to prove myself better ? but if i changed myself , ill loose everything that is within me that makes me me , ill loose all self love to fit into his mould jsut so i can reassure myself that he doest leave me , why am i so naive
yeah i probably wont send this ,just imagine . i think hes sick of it , everytime i mention it he doesnt say , abby you shoud stop , youre who i want , right now , forevermore . he just ignores it like here we go again
like he wants me to stop not because its hurting me but because its anoying him
it can get real weird sometimes between us , a lil awkward , like one is sick of the other , i feel it , maybe its because we sped too much ime together ,but if we cant get thru a few days , what then a few years
i get so lonely here living by myself with siblings that ignore my existance , high school friends that are dispersed aroud the area with only me having a car , its lonely and yeah im needy and always needing to be with him ,
im jsut thnking like , he doesnt get it yet , when hes moved out , after your 4th dinner alone you just feel so sad , we’re luck cause we have each other , he wont feel like he needs me till then , but i dont wanna wait till hes home ridden in bukit jalil to miss me .
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23
you called me on the 23
said to me
i felt my heart was locked inside waiting for you now you let free
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if i said im fine why cant i breathe
if i told you “move on your life “ , please dont leave
i never know what to say
or could even look up to your face
tear me apart when u start with, “maybe its best”
to lead to the words that maybe ,we should just be friends
cause i never knew what to do
i thought that you liked me too
but sometimes you never know whatd you get
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i got high again yesterday , and yea well i didnt tell him. idk after he thought that he didnt need to tell me , i lways just thought you know what he doesnt need to know either , its the only way i feel fair , other wise i just think of that moment nd think what a fool i am , to trust my partner to be honest with me , i dont even feel like talking to him today .
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i always think yah someday im gonna get sick of being one sided lovingly but that never happens , ill be stil obsessive and hel get tired of it , its just a matter of time . im just fucked here on out cools
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im a bit crazy searching up the word beautiful in our chats and finding out that he calls more things scenaries and etc beautiful than he calls me beautiful , i dont wanna think its because she was more beautiful than i was , but he did call her beautiful in those old faccebook comments , so far hes never pointed out a picture and told me that . i know im not the best looking but it sucks i guess , eve tho michael was a model and had pecs for days , i still think bry is handsome.
id like to convince myself its cause he doesnt hype , but when he does, its like . no stop . its never cause he thinks hes got the most beautiful in his arms , its probably cause he knows hes got the one whos the most obsessively in lvoe with him , i guess theres where our lvoe differs . idk why do i always get obsessive , why do i build this world where love is given so much eve tho i dont receive it back , sure it hurts when i dont get as hyped , but it wouldnt stop me from hyping people , i just know what it feels like to feel so low about myself and regardless of my depression nvm it doesnt make sense , my depression is not accountable to him , but if only hed ask for once , how i was doing , probably didnt take me seriously , probably thought i was throwing a fit , fuck why does life do this sort of thing , this is why living just suckswhy am i bothered , and why cant i keep mysef botherd , i blame austin for hyping me up and building who i am so i dont settle for less but give so much , but my self worth doesnt come fro how much someone hypes me , maybe i should jsut start giving love i know ill be receiving
i dont understand why he can say he loves me more , probably not to make me feel bad , or making it seem one sided
fuck i hate this , the smallest things i swear
they just
trigger me
theres no point treting people the way you want to be treated cause n one actually reciprocrates ,
i fucking hate living honestly
id be fine if i was jsut outed
i feel bad that god put so much time into someone that just
gave up
one day ill loose my shit , and i mean really loose it . this is why i cant have kids
im need to get back on track , i need to just chill
im constantly on the edge , like everything i hold on to can slip away so fast
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