So. I was watching Byzantium last night, and Cas is such a quiet, understated griever.

They way he stands at Jack's bedside and picks up Kelly's photo... It's so...poignant.

I'm a quiet griever, too, or else I do it in private. Sometimes, that means people want me to explode to prove to them I'm feeling things, or else to be more visual about it.

But being quiet doesn't make emotions less powerful. It just makes them...well.

Quiet.

///

Jack's first death:

Cas ruminating on his promise to Kelly (as Dean reaches out to his own mother on the phone)

/// I actually really related to how he and Dean are both rather quiet grievers:

///

///

...drink in silence.

///

BONUS: Dean n' Cas slowly realizing that Claire has died (The Trap):

From 15x09 The Trap

Dean straightens up. Cas takes in a small breath as it hits.

Having survived the loss of JACK, it is CLAIRE who becomes the death they will not survive.

(Scripts @ Wiki)

So! I came across this:

And you have no idea what a unique emotions this thing brings me. As a story writer, as someone who knows the full context and all the spoilers. Oh my God, I can't even explain it to you...... But I can definitely tell you that if you stick around for a few more episodes of the comic. And then watch this animatic again. Oh boy, it will feel different

The Loss.

one thing I never ever see us talk about is that jack is his son, and losing him would absolutely ruin cas. it did wreck him.

I think, when cas comes back and learns what jack did, what he gave up, he would be torn apart by pride (in what jack sacrificed to save the world) and grief (in jack giving up his life, in jack being only four and losing out on his own life).

cas loves dean. it’s canon, it’s romantic, it is likely requited, but if the end of the world came down to jack or dean, cas would choose jack over and over. it’s shown in season 14’s final episode alone. neither love outshines the other, certainly — but that love also does not disappear.

they are different kinds of love, absolutely. this post is basically in response to a lot of destiel fics focusing on dean and cas (which is fair!), but I would love to see more fix-it fics with jack (and sam), and I would especially love to see more fics with jack where he maintains the role that he chose as god, but where cas grieves him while he and dean sort out their issues. (there’s a wonderful fic that exemplifies cas’s grief — highly recommend “fenario” by ftmsteverogers on ao3.)

I think the only thing the finale may have gotten right (entirely by accident, as it was a cover-up as to why they wrote misha out of it) was that cas might choose to stay a little bit longer with jack because he loved him, and he was his son. he might not go rushing to find dean because of his concern for his child in that child’s new, massive role.

give me more cas grieving the child his son could never be.

Also, since I'm divorce arc posting today, what if i said Dean wasn't wrong to say this:

CASTIEL The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong. DEAN Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?

LIKE !!!!! Sure it was harsh and if emotions weren't heightened already and Dean wasn't still dealing with the very recent death of his mother and that grief (anger being a stage of grief!) and ALL the Chuck shit on top of that AND his own complicated feelings re: Jack's death (bc Dean was Not going to kill him, despite Chuck trying to manipulate him into doing that) he probably wouldn't have said that to Cas but like?? he's not really wrong.

You can easily trace a lot of the major season conflicts as a long line of dominoes starting with Cas's s6 betrayal. Leviathans. Purgatory. The tablets. Angels falling. Lucifer getting out of the cage via Cas possession. Etc etc. And most of the time Cas was doing things from a place of good intentions in his POV. Trying to fix things or spare others the burden of doing the hard thing. But still, these plans often backfire for Cas. Going it alone, not letting Dean (+ Sam) in on his plans, it usually does not end well !!!! They are TEAM Free Will for a reason. The show (and Dean) continuously emphasizes the importance of team and family and not going it alone. So, while what Dean says to Cas in this scene is definitely a harsh pill to swallow and not something I think Dean would say to Cas in normal circumstances, he technically isn't wrong. And that's what makes it such a heart-breaking scene.

And even more-so, he's saying this but he still, at his core doesn't want Cas to leave. ("Of course I wanted you to stay.") At the moment he needs space and time to process his grief re: Mary, and all the other stuff going on, but he still wants Cas there and ultimately wants to fix things. ("I'd rather have you." "We can fix this." "I was there where were you." etc etc)

But to fix things they need to address his huge persistent, recurring issue between them: not communicating effectively and Cas continuously leaving, going rogue, and/or deciding for them when to involve Dean.

Dean wants to work together, as a team. Dean wants to be involved. Dean wants Cas to not just up and disappear and "deal with things" on his own like he always does. Cas, in his own POV, sees his actions as perhaps a form of care. He's protecting! He's taking on the hardships! Also, his hubris, wanting to be the strong protector type. Wanting to be a warrior. Powerful. Securing "wins." And these desires stem from his years as a soldier of Heaven, of equating worth with Results. Not something Dean has put on him or required of him.

But Dean doesn't see Cas's actions the way Cas perceives them. We as the omniscient audience know more about Cas's motivations than Dean does too. Dean often just sees Cas leaving, prioritizing the mission and shutting Dean out. However, I do think it's important to note that Dean is also usually willing to give Cas the benefit of the doubt, defend him, and forgives easily / implicitly.

They both care deeply about each other and don't maliciously mean to press on each other's specific insecurities and traumas but like, Dean is abandonment issues boy. And Cas keeps leaving. Or ignoring his calls when their daily lives are a constant life or death battle because they are literally living in a horror show! Dean is not unreasonable to be worried when he doesn't hear from Cas for days, weeks, months on end. He's not being "clingy" or "demanding." Expecting some base form of communication from the people you care about is normal in any relationship. Cas refusing to communicate in these moments IS a problem between them.

So, when Dean says, "Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?" re: Cas being the "problem" it's harsh yes! But it's pushing them toward addressing this recurring issue (Cas going rogue often = plans backfiring) and the root of that issue which is Cas continuing to leave to do things on his own, change the game-plan without running it by anyone, and keeping others out. This moment is a breaking point. Because Dean, under normal circumstances, is generally one to defend, forgive, and move past Cas's mistakes. Cas himself says it in this very scene: "You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt."

But at this point something needs to give, they need an explosive moment to just bring all these issues to light. It's a rupture.

Yes, Dean might "still blame [Cas] for Mary" but Cas also knows deeply, as he expresses to Jack, that Dean needs time and space to process his emotions. That he feels things more acutely and intensely but that ultimately he usually comes to a place of acceptance / forgiveness / is able to move on.

That's what Dean wants and needs in this moment. He needs space to deal with his feelings and his grief (clearly in the anger stage of it). And he also wants to finally address these issues! But Cas is also struggling himself and in his own mind he's feeding old insecurities. He let Belphegor get under his skin. He thinks he's not needed or wanted anymore. So, he does what he tends to do. Leave.

CASTIEL Well, I don't think there's anything left to say. [Castiel makes to leave.] DEAN Where you going?

Cas decides to leave and Dean immediately asks where are you going? Because even now, feeling how he does, he doesn't want Cas to leave.

What Dean wants is to have a confrontation. He wants to get to the root of their issues. He asks Cas why didn't he just stick to the plan. And emphasizes the concept of WE, of being a team. "We would've figured it out....after. With Rowena." He wants them to stick together, work together. But he's struggling. He's grieving. And still, he wants Cas to stay, of course I wanted you to stay.

And I say it all here in this post but the whole "I left but you didn't stop me" is just, Cas really? From Dean's POV he sees Cas's leaving as a choice Cas makes. He respects his choice and doesn't ask him to stay because he also does not feel he deserves to ask people to stay for him. He is always putting his own wants and desires second to those of others. He thinks, if Cas wants to leave, who is he to stop him?

Anyways, I think too much of divorce arc puts blame on Dean or makes Dean out to be "the bad guy" and "the reason" Cas leaves and the one who needs to "grovel" and apologize / be forgiven. But Cas is not blameless. Cas leaves because Cas leaves. Cas leaves because he chooses to and because he does not want to confront the realities of the situation or his own role in their issues. And after Cas leaves he continues to bury his head in the sand and be avoidant (thee core issue!) while also going out and working a solo case in an effort to secure a "win" and prove to himself that he's still capable of getting things right and not always failing.

And all of this, the complexity, the layers, Cas's stubbornness and flaws, is deeply delicious to me. Cas is not a blameless innocent little baby who got his feelings hurt by "big meanie Dean" in this situation. He is someone who heard a hard truth from someone he cares about and made the choice to leave instead of confronting the issue. And throughout it all, they both still deeply care about each other. It's evident in everything they do. And they want to work it out, but are both at different places and struggling with their own feelings too.

If Only You Return to Me

Author: arlingtonchamberofgay | Artist: sidewinder

Posting on Tuesday April 9

The world has been saved, yet again, but this time, Dean is forced to carry on without his best friend. His best friend, who loved him. In true Winchester fashion, Dean decides to shove down and bury his feelings about the last words that Cas said to him and the implications thereof, instead burying himself in alcohol, hunting, and stupid ass decisions. After a failed rescue attempt in the Empty, he’s forced to reassess what his life looks like without the angel. Until, one day, a run of the mill hunt goes wrong because of a small bit of rebar. Castiel somehow awakens in the Empty, much to the Shadow’s ever growing annoyance. After making a deal to return to Earth to find Dean in exchange for his grace, Cas finds himself in the same room he last saw the man. He’s devastated to discover that he’s too late, Dean is dead and in Heaven. Dean and Cas are desperate to find their way back to each other, but the universe seems to be working hard to keep them apart.

Keep reading for a sneak preview!

“Hey, I found a case close by, down in Corinth; it’s only a 35 minute drive. What do you say we go check it out?” Sam jumps at Dean’s question, considering they’ve been quietly sitting at the War Room table at their laptops for well over three hours now. Sam sips on a beer while Dean downs his 4th glass of whiskey. When Dean asks Sam about heading out on the case, his words aren’t necessarily slurred but they’re not fully coherent either.

Sam looks at his brother hesitantly. “Don’t you think you should sober up a bit?”

“‘M fine, besides not my first time drinkin a little on a hunt.”

“Have you eaten anything today? Or yesterday? Or the day before, for that matter?”

“Psh, yeah, I had a slice of pizza last night.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And what else?” Sam looks at him expectantly.

“That’s it. That’s all I need.” To emphasize his point, Dean begins pouring himself another glass.

“Dude, besides the fact that it’s noon and you’re about to be on your fifth glass of whiskey, you haven’t eaten an actual meal in days! You look like a goddamn ghost dude.

“Look, I know that something happened before Cas was taken-”

“Don’t you /dare/ say his name.” Dean bites out, his glare piercing into Sam. /Yeah, this is bad./ Sam thinks to himself.

Sam stares at him inquisitively, trying to carefully decide his next words. “Look, whatever happened … you can’t keep beating yourself up over it, okay? Mourning him is perfectly normal, but-” He motions to the bottle and glass in Dean’s hands, “drinking ‘til you’re blind isn’t the way to deal with it. And going on a hunt drunk is just a death wish.”

“Yeah, well maybe I’ve got one,” Dean mutters to himself, but Sam hears it nonetheless. The younger Winchester sighs, gets up from the table, and heads to his room to get his bag ready for the case.

(continue reading on Ao3 on Tuesday April 9)

Claire gives Cas a haircut. It's fraught. This is a love that lasts forever. Here's the opening:

The room's tense. Most rooms with Claire in them end up being tense, Cas has found, although it may be the combination of he and Claire together that makes things this way. The only time he's heard her laugh - really laugh, not just an emphasised exhale - she had been three rooms away at Jody's house, before she knew Cas had come over. She makes him call ahead, now, so he hasn't heared it since. 

There are memories, of course: the giggly little girl on the merry go round; the 11 year old pulling faces through the rearview mirror together until she couldn't keep it together from smiling too hard; the baby who opened her eyes from a nap and started laughing with delight just to see his face. But, those memories don't belong to Castiel. They're Jimmy's. To take courage or comfort from them would be a clear and cruel violation. 

Claire in the present works on her denim jacket silently, repairing a tear from the wolf-man they'd hunted earlier with a thick, black thread. Her jacket is heavily patched, some repairs just thread and others covered over with logos and images. Cas had thought he recognised AC/DC in the mix, but when he'd pointed it out that morning Claire had just scoffed and rolled her eyes, so maybe he's wrong. 

The way she sews is harsh, tugging the needle through the same way she pulled her knife out of the wolf-man's body. Cas has seen her do it gently before - stitching up a wound on Alex with precision and care even as they bickered viciously about who's fault it was that they'd got caught in the first place, and when applying a patch that Donna had got her that said "MAMA'S LITTLE BEAR <3" on it. Right now, though, she's mad. She has every right to be. 

Read on ao3

You got to wake up. because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Supernatural S8E08 Hunteri Heroici ( + S8E06 Southern Comfort )

me incoherently yapping about how the revival should be a prodigal son type of thing between jack and dean to pick up from how season 14 frames them as Abraham and Isaac and have actual reconciliation between them since we never fully got it by the end of s15

You know, we all talk about how Dean wouldn't just leave Cas in The Empty after 15x18 and like...I agree but also, I feel like Sam would actually be the driving force behind getting him back.

1) because he's seen how Dean gets when Cas dies. He knows it gets worse each time and he is not about to see where this time leads him.

But more importantly 2) Sam has no idea wtf happened. There is no way Dean told him the details. It would have simply consisted of "Cas sacrificed himself to the Empty to get Billie off our asses" and ANY attempt at Sam trying to get more out of him would just result in a "He's GONE, Sam" and Dean storming off. And Sam haaaaates not having all the information. In his mind, Cas has already come back from The Empty once so why the fuck can't it happen again?

Grief is incredibly odd.

You see, a very irrational part of Dean's brain sees that when Cas smote Belphagor, he killed Jack.

He made it real.

Abbattoir snippet

“Lady Hunger does not ask or accept worship,” the woman raised her brows, more disdainful than offended. “Illyria was once a friend to her, and so she is a friend to us.” Hunger. Cassian recognized the marks on the other, soaring, well-lit walls if nothing else. The facets of Illyrian worship that he’d never gotten to see well-tended, much less grouped together: wind, water, sky. Storm Maiden, Once-drowned Warrior, Grandmother Starlight. What had been taken for so long, Cassian knew nothing else. Lost before he’d ever been born. The niche with what was nearly Feyre’s face- rendered beautiful, awing, familiar but utterly wrong- was much, much smaller. Darker. Littered in writing, names tracing up the wall behind her. Cassian shook his head. “That’s Feyre Archeron.” He tipped back his head, staring at lights so high above they glittered, this stronghold he’d never even heard of. “You- you don’t follow the clans. That’s why you’re here?” She flashed her teeth at him, wings wide as a sky flickering fuller in rage. “The little coward that pretended to be one of us?” A teenager, sitting before a vast stature wielding hammer and tongs, turned all the way around to hiss Cassian’s direction. “That child, ruling in the memory of a man who despised us? We are Illyrian, unlike you. We answer to no one.” “But”- “But nothing,” It was a snarl, and all Cassian could do was look, look at that impossibly perfect, impossibly familiar face. Cassian scrambled forward, after her quick retreating form. “Please. What- the names?” She rounded, robe flaring, showing a paler color up around the edges. “She is old,” the priestess intoned, like Cassian was very small, very stupid, ill-behaving child. Pitiable. “She pays her debt.”

Everything you left to me.

ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.

cas: my son literally died why don't you get it