guys Im not surviving march 20th 2024

Combined these two! For anon and @haneulpati 💝 sorry this took so long to finish, but here it is now. Hope you like it! And requests are open again, request for other groups and skz are accepted, make them as descriptive as possible! ⚘

"What the fuck?" You felt dazed, memories of last night coursing trough your head as you propped yourself on your elbow. You didnt even drink anything, how the hell did you get he- you just remembered. 'I dare you to sleep with Jinnie.' Jisung's voice rang in your head as a grunt subconciously forced it's way out from your throat.

"Damn him." You muttered. By 'sleep' doesnt mean fuck, well, it was the first thing that came to your mind when he said it. Jisung meant 'sleep' as in closing your eyes and waking up, nothing to do with any sexual interaction. You agreed of course, you would be a dumbass if you were to pass an opportunity to 'sleep' with your crush.

You were trying hard not to look beside you, but your head moved towards his direction. Your heart was thumping againts your chest, knowing what's coming but wondering at the same time. You watched the way his chest raised and fell, a frown on his brows as his plump lips uttered something that oddly sounds like a moan.

Your eyes widened, is he having a wet dream? You took your eyes off of him immediately, shutting your eyes and ignoring the strong urge to keep watching. You didnt even notice he had opened his eyes, until he spoke up, that is.

"Gonna keep staring?" You jumped a little, shocked and flustered. You gathered yourself for a second, thinking of a way to respond to the guy you've been crushing on for the past three months.

"You are very attractive. Therefore, i will stare at you." He rubbed his eyes, a lazy smile reached his lips. His brows were furrowed after he looked at the clock perched up on the wall of Jisung's room.

"It's literally 4 AM. Go back to sleep." You scretched your arms, curling your toes as a way to cover your blush as you turned away from him, legs dangling off the bed and thoughts still running inside your head about what he was dreaming about.

"Cant. Where's Jisung? Im gonna kill him in his sleep, do we have a chainsaw? Or a lawn mo-"

You felt a tiny push on your back as the bed moved.

"Let's cuddle, c'mon. You can trust me." You looked behind your shoulders, you cant help but stare at his features. From the way his lips were parted with a teasing smile, the way he looks agonizingly good when he literally just woke up. Your heart noticed this too, god, you might just be having a cardiac arrest right then and there.

Your eyes would've traveled further down if the rest of his body wasnt covered in a blanket.

"You can't trust someone who looks that good with a bed head." You muttered under your breath, which stopped midway when you heard him say;

"I heard that, you know. Would you reconsider if you were sober?"

You were facing him now, legs crossed as he settled his head on his hand, elbow propping his head as he asked you.

"I am sober. The question is, are you?"

"Fuck yes. Cuddles?" He was holding up both of his hands in the air, a silent gesture for you to fill the gap in between his arms. You might regret this, but the giddy feeling bubbling up in your stomach is just cheering for you to jump- wait, cuddle him. You squirmed under your clothes, fidgeting with the thin fabric until the words flew out.

"Fuck it." You crawled closer to him, catching a glimpse of his face as he wiggles his eyebrows. You were nervous yeah, but you were enjoying every second of it without a doubt. It was until Hyunjin put his hand over your stomach to make you closer, your butt making contact with his groin.

"Hyunjin! I thought we were cuddling!" You rolled off of him, laying on your side as you looked at him dissaprovingly. He shrugged as a beautiful smile adamant on his lips.

"Change of plans?"

"You're lucky i like you, or else-" Hyunjin cuts you off with a kiss. It wasn't gentle kiss; it's rough and hungry, like Hyunjin has suffered an insatiable thirst for you. His tongue pushes into your mouth and tangoes with yours as you kissed him back. Our mouths move against each other's frantically; you dig your nails into his back, his arms, the nape of his neck and through his hair.

"I was dreaming about you." The throbbing sensation between your legs was growing, even more so the harder Hyunjin's erection rubs against the thin layer of fabric separating your clothed thigh from his.

"Well, dreaming about fucking you." Hyunjin's mouth moves to your neck, sucking and biting hard enough for you to hiss and gasp in pleasure and a bit of pain.

"Maybe i can help?" You were aware of what you were doing. You were kissing your crush for god's sake. Hard, that is. Your eyes rolled back and close to the rhythm of his mouth teasing and torturing you sensitive skin. You bit his ear gently, but it does little to faze him. And as you bite and taste his skin in your mouth, he undoes the buttons of your jeans, stopping to ask you.

"Are you sure?" He asked, eyes burning against yours as he looks for any uncertant reaction. You nodded and brought his face down to your again.

"Im sure. I want this." He removed every piece of clothing you had on, your naked body is exposed to him, pressing against his clothed body. You pressed your thighs together to satiate the pulsing sensation of your pussy; one that Hyunjin can effortlessly cause on you.

Hyunjin grips the collar of his shirt and pulls it off over his head after you sit on the bed. It's like the holy grail, seeing his body exposed so close to you. His shirt is tossed to the side, and you were given an unrestricted view- the firm muscles on his stomach, the veins tracing his skin.

Your breathing fluctuates when you look at him; he has the body of a god, undoubtedly. And all You want is to get your hands on it. Sure enough, he lets me. With a bite of his lip, Hyunjin gently takes your hand in his and places it on the higher point of his stomach.

You suck in a breath and look up at him; over the strong definition of his arms, his skin is hot to the touch. He suddenly flips you over on your stomach, you can't see what he's doing, but you can hear just fine. Being so restricted in sight is nerve wrecking, and only having your hearing aid increases your apprehension even more.

He's unbuckling the rest of his belt, tossing it onto the floor before unzipping his jeans. You want to turn around; you want to see him completely naked and bared to you, but you know he wouldn't let me look at him

"You have the perfect ass," he says, tracing his finger down your spine until his hand grabs you there.

"Arch your back a little so I can feel it against me." You do as he said until your ass is against his hips. His erection is firmly against you; you can barely breathe.

"Perfect, baby," he beams behind me. "You're fucking perfect." He takes a moment to slip his jeans and his briefs off. The condom wrapper he got from the pocket of his jeans opens; he puts quickly and situates himself behind you again.

You can feel the entirety of his cock now without it hidden behind his pants. You whimpered out and begged for it all, and he gives it to you -one swift movement and his shaft is deep inside you.

You cry out into the sheets; he doesn't move, only holds it there and basks in on your moans

"How badly do you want me to thrust, hm?" he asks you before groaning. "Fuck, I can feel your pussy throbbing already."

"Badly," you answer, begging him to fuck you without restraint. His body presses into your back, his hands pinning your wrists above your head and into the mattress before he moves his hips and motions his dick in and out. You panted and gritted your teeth in pleasure as he moves faster; you can feel the tip of his manhood back at your clit before it returns inside you again. He grunts simultaneously with the hard thrust of his erection that made you scream.

And he continues to please you quickly beforehe slows down and creates a rhythm withhis hips that pushes his dick into a different direction inside of you-a direction that rubs against the upward section of your walls.

"Pull my hair," you breathed out. "Please."

Hyunjin's laugh makes electric sensations all throughout your body. With one hand holding your wrists down, the other holds your hair and yanks it back. He stares at you from the right side of your face. You looked back at him before he pulls your hair back further. He's as restless as you are. He lets go of your wrists and snakes his arm underneath you, pressing his body deeper into yours while holding you up beneath from your hips.

You support myself up with my elbows but it's a tiring job; your limbs are useless at this point. And when he begins biting and kissing your ear and your neck, you almost collapsed. Hair still held back, he kissed you hard on the mouth while grinding into you slower and slower. His body is hot against you; you can feel his chest, firm and strong, push and pull with his breath. Youre close to coming, but Hyunjin won't let you.

"Don't come until I say so," he said to you. The rasp in his voice is driving you crazy; it's makiing it harder for you not to come.

He thrusts faster, his groans and grunts audible instead of concealed like they were before. Letting go of your hair, he uses both hands to prop himself up above you to move even faster. The bed moves with you, damn. Jisung's gonna be mad but you couldn't care less at this point; you cried that you were going to come. but this time he lets you. Your pussy convulses around his manhood before pulsing to a speechless and gasping for air.

One last push of his hips and Hyunjin comes shortly after. His last movements are rough and abrupt before his dick jerked inside you into climax. His breathing is heavy, gradually settling to a pant. You lay on the bed and rested your face into the sheets as he finishes off. And before he pulls out, his forehead lays on my shoulders. You can hear him laughing an airy laugh, mixed in with the rigid nature of his rapid breath.

He pulls himself out and got up. You want to get up, but you were nearly immobile; right when he is out of you, you realized how big his dick was.

Jesus, you feel like you took more than you could handle.

"He was supposed to just 'sleep' with her." The alarm on your face and Hyunjin's is a quick shift from how you guys were before. You jump up and hurry for your clothes while Hyunjin rushed to put his jeans on.

"My poor bed! Fuck. So much for a dare."

Jisung said with his mouth agape and standing in the doorway, Minho trailing behind his back with a dumbfounded look on his face.

Made in the A.M || Noah Centineo

So I haven't written anything (besides my short answer essays) in months. And with all this hype over Noah Centineo (who I've been obsessing with since season 3 of The Foster) I thought I would join the conga line of tumblr Noah hype and write my first ever series. So I got a lot of inspiration from One Direction’s last album, Made in the A.M. and I’m going to attempt to use every song but if I don’t use all of the songs as a continuation, the other songs will be one shots, or random points in the reader’s story. But the first part is going to be based on the song, Temporary Fix. Furthermore, if you guys want to listen to the album while you’re reading, I highly encourage it (but you are not required to).  Also if would like to be on the taglist, lemme know.

Chapter One -Temporary Fix

You knew who he was. The type of guy who knew his effect on girls and woman alike. You knew he wouldn’t take you home to meet his mom, never show you off to friends, or take you on cute little dates. But you didn’t want that at first.This is the story of how you fell in love with the internet’s boyfriend, before he was the internet’s boyfriend.

Noah was at some club drowning his sorrow after what he thought was the love of his life. You noticed him verily quickly, since you watched The Fosters since the beginning and glad of what he brought to the show. You thought about going up to him and asked for a picture. You stopped in your tracks when you noticed he was drinking alone. Noah saw you coming up to him, but became confused when you turned around and walked back. He continued to watch you from the bar. He thought you were beautiful, with the way you laugh and dance. Even though he wasn’t over his ex, he just felt the need to have you in his life. Soon after he finished his drink, he left the bar and was making his way to you.

You felt his presence before he said anything. You thought it was one of your friends with the drink you asked for, only to be met with a drunken stranger. He started to talk to you but with how heavy his slur was, trying to understand him was like understanding a baby’s gibberish. The more and more he spoke, the closer he got to you, and before you knew it. He had grabbed your ass. You could see Noah in your peripheral, walking at a fast pace towards you. He must have seen the whole thing. But you didn’t need his help. What happened next probably shocked everyone who was watching. You lifted your right knee right into the creeper’s crotch so hard, his balls might be in his stomach. Once he was on the ground, you started screaming your head off until you felt a hand on your elbow. Ready for round two, you swung around to slap the person holding you. Once you made eye contact with the person, you stopped mid-swing.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” you cried to your best friend Dallas. Dallas just laughed at you and motioned to the crowd that had surrounded the situation. You smiled at everyone and just went towards the bar.

Noah watched you shy off from the attention, and heads towards the bar with looked like a friend. He loved that, his ex loved the attention from not only him but others. Hence why they’re exes. He observed you trying to get the bartender’s attention with no such luck. He went to the empty space next to you and your friend and hollered the bartender’s name.

You were having trouble getting the attention of the bartender, who was too busy flirting with the blonde at the end of bar. You got scared when you heard someone yell next to you. Whipping your head around to the ear intruder, you see Noah standing next to you. He smiles at you and your friend and you blushed so hard you could feel the heat coming off of you. The bartender finally made his way down to you guys and waits for Noah to order, completely ignoring you and Dallas. You rolled your eyes at his ignorance and told Dallas how he wasn’t going to get a big tip from you.

“I’ll have what I was having earlier, and whatever they want.” Noah said over the loud music. You whipped your head so hard that you thought you got whiplash. He just shrugs and gives a wide grin. You told the bartender what you and Dallas wanted while getting the cash out for the drinks. That’s when Noah shook his head at you and said, “I got this.”

You didn’t want to intrude on Noah’s night but you wouldn’t say no. While you guys waited for your drinks, you struck up a conversation with Noah. you guys had talked for so long that you hadn’t even realized that your friends that you came with had already left and the club was pretty empty. Noah noticed you looking around and noticed what you saw.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” you nodded your head, feeling adventurous. Noah called for a Uber, and wrapped his arms around your shoulders. You were fangirling a little bit, but trying to be as discreet as possible. Noah brought up some random topics to talk about while waiting for the uber. You were discussing the show Friends, but got interrupted by the buzzing of his phone letting him know his uber was here. You noticed the black SUV and pointed it out to Noah. After hoping into the vehicle and having small talk with the driver, he turned up the music and gave you and Noah some privacy.

With the liquor courage still running through your veins, you jumped into Noah’s lap and started kissing him senseless. With it being so late, the streets weren’t that jammed packed so you made it to Noah’s apartment fairly quickly. You and Noah said your goodbyes to the driver and walked into the apartment building. When you finally made it to Noah’s door and it was unlocked, you were pinned to the wall. You giggled at the curly headed boy, who was attacking your lips, neck, and shoulders. He pulled you off the wall and started to make his move towards the bedroom. Clothes were flying everywhere as you were getting closer and closer to the mattress. Your exposed legs hit the edge of the bed before falling onto it, Noah still kissing you as you fell.

You woke up to find yourself a t-shirt that wasn’t yours and hickies all over your body. You were slightly hungover but thank goodness it was your day off. You looked around the room for your clothes. You knew what happened last night, the details being just as clear as if you were sober. You had met Noah Centineo last night. You held a conversation with Noah Centineo without sounding like a fangirl. And you played hookie with Noah Centineo. But now that it was the next morning, you needed to go and disappear from the world for a bit. Thank goodness, you could hear water running, assuming that he was in the shower. Which gives you the perfect time to dip on out of here. You got on all of your clothes and grabbed your purse from the entryway floor. After checking your phone for the time and notifications of your friends spamming the group chat. You wondered if you should leave a note? You decided that it wouldn’t be weird and took out a pen from your purse and grabbed a paper towel from the kitchen.

Hey, last night was fun. Sorry to dip out while you were in the shower but I wasn’t expecting anything besides awkwardness. So to avoid that for the both of us, I’m heading home. But if you ever want to like hang out or anything hit me up.

After putting many holes into the paper towel, you left your phone number and headed towards the door. Hearing the shower turn off as you opened the door, you dipped out in the direction to the elevators. Your phone starts to buzz in your hand, scaring you shitless. Your uber was outside, and you breathe a sigh of relief. As you got in the uber car, your hand vibrated and you saw a text from an unknown number.

Its Noah

You laughed at the simplicity of the message but saved the number regardless. You had made it home about an hour later cause of traffic, and became bombarded with squeals and questions. Dallas, Lily, Sydney, and Cammie can’t contain themselves, so you have to yell at them to shut up so you can answer everyone’s questions in an orderly fashioned. It was about a hour and some change later when you finally were left to your own devices. You decided that you needed a shower since still being in your clothes from last night and just wanting to get rid of sweaty-ness that you accumulated from the heat of LA and last nights workout session.

After that much needed shower, you were laying in your bed, scrolling through some social media timeline, when you got a text from Noah.

Whatcha doin?

Laying in bed, why?

Wanna go to the pier?

Ummm sure, what time

Right now ;)

You started freaking out because Noah Centineo was asking to hang out with you. But you were supposed to have a girl’s night since its the first night in months since all of the girls were off at the same time. Maybe you could convince him to postpone till tomorrow.

I actually cant im supposed to hang with the girls tonight. What about tomorrow?

No its cool talk to you later

You felt bad for leaving him hanging, but the girls are more important.

It’s been a couple of weeks since you and Noah met, and you guys have pretty much have established that neither of you were looking for anything. Which is good for the both of you seeing as you both had just got out of crappy relationships. But that doesn’t mean you guys hadn’t added an a certain benefit to this friendship. You had just fallen asleep after working all day, only to be interrupted by an uncontrollable buzz coming from nowhere else but your cell phone. You answered with a sleepy hello, instantly being met with a loud deep voice.

“(y/n)! What are you doing?” the brown haired boy yelling into the phone. It sounds like he’s at the gym, from the noises of weights and punching bags. Just cause you don’t go to the gym that often, doesn’t mean you don’t know what those sounds are.

“I was asleep, No.” you yawned. “You know cause some of us have actual jobs that we have to go to everyday.” you say sarcastically. Noah chuckled dryly at your sass.

“You’re just so funny. Do you wanna come over?” now you’re fully awake and have already agreed to come over. Luckily you haven’t been drinking so you can drive yourself to his apartment. You had packed a bag just in case you can’t make it home in time to get ready for work. It was just one of those nights apparently.

“You’d Be Surprised What You Can Live Through”

Personal story below the cut, but it’d be cool if you read it, ‘cause it’s really important to me, and I’m pretty proud of it. I just don’t want to fill up anyone’s Dashboard with a wall of text.

A few years ago, I was driving down one of the main streets in the town I live in. I still even remember what plaza I was passing. I’m not sure where I was coming from, but it was probably a bar. I had tried to get sober after my ex and I split (the first time), and I did okay for a few months, but at that moment in time, I was starting to slip. A beer here or there with my ex (who had the audacity to repeatedly ask me to meet him at a bar we used to frequent), or I would go out by myself a lot on nights I knew he was with another woman he was seeing. He wouldn’t admit to it at the time, but that’s not the point of this story. I was enjoying going out by myself, and it was beginning to become a more frequent occurrence. Anyway, I just remember where I was, and that it was late, because I was listening to “Loveline” on the radio.

A man called in and asked Dr. Drew a question — I don’t really recall the details, but I do know he shared that he was an addict. I believe he had some concerns about his sex drive, which had been low since he had gotten clean. Dr. Drew asked how long he had been sober, and the man replied “17 months and [x] days”. Dr. Drew congratulated him, and made a comment about when you know down to the day how long it’s been since you’ve used/drank, you’re probably pretty serious about your recovery.

I remember hearing this, and my heart just sinking into my stomach. 17 months seemed like an ETERNITY, and I knew I’d be six feet under long before I could ever achieve that. I had only managed 3 or 4 months, and I was already secretly falling back into old habits, and worse still, making new ones. I had only tried to quit drinking because of the infamous “I refuse to date an alcoholic” line my ex dropped on me when he initially dumped me. We did briefly reconcile after I had managed to stay away from a drink for maybe 2 months, but it didn’t last, and with my only motivation gone, neither did my short-lived sobriety. I was failing, and I knew it. I felt doomed. I had tried telling myself I was still doing good, because I wasn’t drinking every night, and I wasn’t drinking alone at home. I had total control over it, and I’d never go back to the way I was — drinking in excess every night and trying (and succeeding for quite a while) at keeping it all hidden. I was fine. I just needed self control.

Except that was total bullshit, and deep down I knew it. 17 dry months would never be in my future, mainly because I didn’t want it to be, especially since I was a single adult and didn’t have to listen or justify my drinking and risky behavior to anyone. I was doing what I wanted, fuck the consequences. In my mind, if he was gonna keep seeing that homewrecking whore, I was gonna keep drinking. It sounds ludicrous, but sometimes I dressed up all cute (or attempted to be sexy and alluring), and went out to spite him. That wasn’t the only reason I drank again, but if he wasn’t a factor, I would have just stayed home most nights, drank alone in my pajamas when I felt like it, and only go out when I wanted the ego boost of catching someone’s eye in a bar/restaurant or having them buy me a drink. Of course this was the complete opposite of logical, because he didn’t give a flying fuck what I did. We would meet up at a bar, after he dumped me for my drinking and refusal to get help, ffs.

I continued to backslide until it was like nothing changed at all. I eventually ended up in (and getting thrown out of) rehab after some mental and physical health scares, but again, it didn’t last. I drank myself out of another relationship, out of chances with my ex, out of two jobs, into a DUI, and into the hospital several times before it was either quit or die. I’d been right all along. 17 months wasn’t in my future.

Except.. today (yesterday technically, since it’s after midnight) is 17 months.

When I look back at the utter insanity I was living in, it’s almost incomprehensible what I went through and what I lived through. It feels like a few months, at best, but now I’m 30 days away from a year and a half. Holy shit.

My life is far from perfect. I’d change more things than I’d keep the same, if I’m being honest. And although I do have some self control, I can’t say I don’t think about alcohol — a lot. I have cravings; I’m only human. And I can’t say I don’t have some bad habits to kick (some of which could be said to be a replacement for alcohol, but I know what I need to do). And I can never say that I’ll one day recover completely and no longer be an addict. That’s just not how it works. What I CAN say is that, even though my life feels like it’s been decimated by being hit by a train, it’s so goddamn easy to forget how bad it actually was. That’s something I need to work on — remembering the bad things so the temptation to go back isn’t so strong. And I guess I’ll end with this — I know I complain a lot, and this process hasn’t been at all what I was expecting, however, I am so glad I didn’t die on that couch.

Oh, and can anyone guess what movie the quote in the title of this post is from?

in honor of villain releasing and me starting it later today, here is a special insight into my brain in the form of the notes i made on my phone as i was reading monster last year, completely unedited (so with all my spelling mistakes and freakouts)

there are spoilers for monster, obviously

(keep in mind that i was very emotional about being back in the gone-universe, so don’t judge me lmao)

i ship malik and shade already. can’t habdle them they’re too cute

oh my god shade is basically a true crime fan, thanks i hate it

“WHATEVER MALIK DID IT GENERALLT SOMEHOW WORK” MY LOVE

...it will be interesting to see what people have to say about mg writing his first trans character

transphobic violence already, i think someone will have a problem with this chapter being called “the meet cute”

where

is

dekka

WHAT THE FUCK SHADE WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE INSANE

I WAS RIGHT BY THE WAY THE MOVIE SUCKED AND WAS A BAD IDEA AND I HOPE ASTRID AND SAM ARE SUFFERING AND HAVE NO FRIENDS

nooo dekka sweetie :(((

oh my god a dekka chapter what if we get updates on everyone i’m not ready

dekka is broke no :(((

but she drives a motorcycle i’m so in love

dekka has a cat. marry me

“Of those three hundred thirty-two kids, fifty-one developed one supernatural power or another. Only nineteen of you developed major powers and survived. And of these nineteen, seven have since developed serious psychological disorders” NO MY KIDS IM CRYING

“Lana Lazar spent time in a mental health facility” eeelp

“I know, she’s a friend of mine. She’s fine now.” THEY ARE FRIEND.jzoddbfb

“Others’ like Sam Temple, the supposed hero of the fayz, have had-”

HAVE HAD WHA TOM??!!!?!

“’Supposed hero?’ Screw you. You don’t disrespect Sam Temple where I can here it.” I’m 😭😭😭😭😭😭

sam was in rehab has an alcoholic kill me

and he’s on the wagon sober for sixteen months ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

DEKKA REMEMBERINH BRIANNA KILL ME

Hey, Sam’s sober and Astird got her head screwed on straight so leave them out of this - dekka out there defending her people

MG in the online: edilio is the true hero of the fayz MG in the books: sam is the true hero of the fayz me: so what is the truth?

oh my god that just means edilio is still underappreciated

DEKKA WANTS SAM AND ASTRID TO GO TO COLLEGE WORK AND ONE DAY HAVE A BABY GIRL NAMED DEKKA WHAT THE FUCK SHOOT ME

Me @ me: mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be-

Four year old Sean is here to cause trouble

Cruz singing my love ❤️❤️

We’ve literally just met him and Justin DeVeere already sounds like a potential school shooter

also how dare mg give him the same name as justin roger’s little brother

He’s so disgusting yikes

I don’t understand what just happened and what erin and justin are up to but WHY do i feel like they just had sex so they could have a gaia-like baby

is justin turning into the hulk or orc

Justins arm is turning into a sword

Is justin turning into drake...

Or orc/britney? Orc/britney/justin?

If Aristotle Arno Adamo is anything like Ari from Aaddtsotu i already love him

oh he’s not

Armo is the Quinn of Monster pass it on

Will Quinn be mentioned in this book?

“Armo was not part of any clique, because there was one, only one Armo at Malibu High School” oh my god he’s awful i love him

“I want to take Danish. My family is danish” bitch mine too

“You understand that everyone in Denmark speaks english right? Usually better than most Americans?” drag america i love t

god i love him

armo just survived a serious accident and he’s crying because he wreacked his car whaya guy

what are they doing to armo :(((

SHADE WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

noo poor cruz

whyy would mg introduce malik tenerife, the biggest sweetheart and shade’s closest friend and make me fall in love with him, and then in the SAME CHAPTER introduce cruz, a new best friend for shade and then just never mention malik again???? i love cruz but i miss malik

where is knightmare

“I REREAD THE ELLISON BOOK” ASTRID WROTE A BOOK

yikes a milady dude and homophobia all in one page!!

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK JUST TRANSFORMING INTO BOOKS

oh shit i just understood why mg says this is part animorphs

Malik’s back my boy

DEKKAS CAT IS NAMED EDITH WINDSOR I JUST----

DEKKA TOOK THE FRAMED PICTURE OF BRIANNA WITH HER OH MY GODDD

“Only now did Dekka see that those last four years had been a dream, unreal, somehow. The FAYZ was real.” dekka bby no :(((

oh my goooood taylor is back bitches i just got chills

SHE GRABBED THE CELEBRITY GOSSIP MAGAZINES OF COURSE SHE DID I LOVE HER

dekka be nice to taylor she’s had a hard life she deserves to know the goss :))

when they’re only talking baout the kids with power... when will edilio come in

aaaand there is drake ugh. “a violent, sadistic psychopath. A rapist. A torturer. A murderer”

EDILIO WAS THERE TOO THERE TOO THE FUCK

DID MG FORGET EDILIO ECISTS

BRIANNA DEKKA SAM ASTRID TAYLOR DRAKE LANA HUNTER ORC HAVE ALL BEN MENTIONED

WHERE IS EDILIO AND LANA

Drake responsible for 18 instances of rape mutilation and murder in the last year y i k e s

Justin has a lobster claw for one hand and a sword for the other o k a y

oh my god shade could kill tr*mp

“There are three types of superheroes, Shade: Hero, Villain and Monster” *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*

CAINE AND PENNY GOT THEIR MENTIONS

NOW GIVE ME EDILIO

Malik is still in love with shade rip me

oh no cruz bby you’re invisible :((

i feel like this series will be more hard sci-fi with aliens and government and powers than gone was, gone was more of a sci-fi/dystopian/lord of the flies/survival-mix

i’m worried about armo :((

me: had never read an animorphs book in my life also me: wow this reminds me so much of animorphs!

HES A POLAR BEAR NOW

THEY’RE LITERALLY SAYING THE WORD MORPHING

should be interesting to see what kind of shit mg will get for this y i k e s

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK IS HAPØENING THE SEAN WAS HE TURNING INTO A CATERPILLAR WITH NO MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD

OH THERES HIS MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK

fuuuuck i knew he would be knightmare

at least knightmare really is the name of a shitty pretentious art student dude

a group of girl scouts just fell to their deaths off the golden gate bridge

WHO ARE THE DARK WATCHERS

i actually think they’re aliens

pls get over brianna dekka

at least mg is realizing that brekka was kind of weird

why is dekka watching danish sex. what does that even mean.

this book is unrealistic bc it’s page number 208 and dekka still hasn’t thought about edilio. who goes that long without thinking about edilio.

oh no dekka is morphing with some animal too

DEKKA HAS MEDUSA HAIR WHAT THE FUCK

the cat died WHAT THE FUCK

“Motorcycle gangs and white supremacists and registered sex offenders, that’s who dominated Perdido Beach today” yikes

Dekka mentioned the word gaiaphage and i had a physical disgusted reaction, but not because of the actual gaiaphage, but bc of that fucking website. god i lvoe that gaiaphage.com is dead.

why has mg created a worldwide perdido beach situation but just given is three books to fix it

“I was Sam’s soldier” NO??? You wrre edilio’s soldier the fuck

EVERY TIME I SEE EDITH MY HEART SKIPS BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH EDI AND I THINK ITS FINALLY GOING TO BE EDILIO

Armo and Dekka is my new brotp

WHO THE FUCK IS JEHOVA

LESS VILLAIN POVS MICHAEL PLEASE

“Hey. You. Should. Um.... Stop. Being. An. Asshole.” SHADE

Combining the villains into one villain. Very schmart michael 👌🏻

PAGE 308 EDILIO MENTION OH MY GOD

Edilio on page 309 kill me cant even quote it

GRAVES STILL THERE

IN RESPECTFUL MEMORY TO BOTH THE WISE AND THE FOOLISH WHO STRUGGLED TO SURVIVE UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS IN THIS PLACE im 😭😭

ALBERT GOT HIS DUES YEAH

BUT HOW IS EDILIO TODAY

WHERE IS DINAA LOSER

GRAVE FOR MARY 😭

GRAVE FOR DUCK 😭

GRAVE FOR HUNTER 😭

GRAVE FOR ORC 😭

Grave for Caine 😐 “Caine Soren. “King of the FAYZ. Blaze of Glory”

FIRST DIANA MENTION AND ITS HOW MUU CAINE LOVED HER IM

BRIANNA HAS A LAST NAME SOS. “Brianna Berenson. “The Breeze”. None More Bold.”

DIANA IS HERE I REPEAT DIANA IS HERE IN THE FLESH AND STILL BEAUTIFUL

DIANA PUTS FLOWERS ON THE GRAVES ONCE A WEEK OH MY HOD YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT I MEAN YOU DID GIVE BIRTH TO GAIA AND EAT PANDA BUT STILL

DIANA HAS A JOB AS A BARISTA HER OWN PLACE IS SEVEN MONTHS SOBER AND HAVENT TRIED TO KILL HERSELF LATELY

WAS HER AND SAM DRINKING BUDDIES

THEY SERVE A SAM TEMPLE CUCKTAIL AND A LANA VODKA

“I GUESS THEIRONY THAT FAYZERS HAVE A TENDENCY TO DRINK TOO MUCH IS LOST ON THEM” TELL THEM DEKKA

“YOU WERE GOOD TO KEEP SAM AND STRID OUT OF IT” NO TELL THEM LOSERS

DOES DIANA LIVE IN PERDIDO BEACH :((((

“THIS IS THE MOST INTIMATE IVE EVER BEEN WITH A DUDE” SAME

When Roger still hasn’t been mentioned and you know he wasn’t really that important so you can’t really complained but you miss him

and how is edilio really dekka hmmm???

Eww this Drake Brittany thing is worse if possible

wait wait wait what hoe did they get there what

if i finish monster and still don’t know how edilio is doing i’ll sue

the villain...breathes fire. he’s a dragon

Shade looks like a the bizzare cross between a flea, a Power Ranger and a teenaged girl w h a t

Vincent Vu: part fish!

noooo not malik :(((

one half of me: where the fck is edilio go talk to him dekka other half of me: edilio deserves a peaceful life thank i for keeping him away from it all

OKAY BUT WOULD EDILIO AND SAM AND EVERYONE SEE DEKKA ON THE FBI MOST WANTED LIST AND HEAR ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON AND SAY YIKES NOT OUR PROBLEM??? No tf they would help her!!!!

DEKKA IS WITH SAM DEKKA IS WITH SAM I REPEAT DEKKA IS WITH SAM AND HE IS HER STRONG RIGHT ARM SHOOT ME LET ME DIE

im emo

the end

missing: quinn and roger

MISSING YOU ~ A Daragon Fanfic ~ alternate ending of MOTTE in Manila

So APPLERS, Im an attendee of Motte in Manila and just like you, I cant move on. Every damn time that I open all my SNS, Youtube Etc. I always search for MOTTEinMNL’s Daragon moments. Daragon is everything so I decided to make a fanfiction of what we want to happen when GD kneels in front of Dara. So guys, hope you enjoy and share it to your co-appler. Please bare with me on this. First timer and maybe I’m not a very good english speaker/writer so there are some slight grammatical error.

Credits to the owner of the photo

The concert was almost over and the dancers all bow down in front of the concert-goers but Jiyong on the other hand kneels and faces Dara. They are all aware of what Jiyong has planned beforehand and he talked to them days before Motte in Manila when he decided to bring his concern to YG. He wants Dara to be his special guest and he wants not just one song. He insisted that Dara should be with him until the encore and YG can’t turn down his only request.

“So guys, I just wanna take this moment to thank you all for coming to my concert tonight.” Jiyong said, still facing Dara.

“We all knew that this is the first time in 8 years that I and Noona are sharing the same stage, so actually it’s a very special day to me and I’m just too happy that she didn’t decline my invitation”

Jiyong didn’t take his eyes off her. His mind was full of all the memories that they have shared together. All the laughter’s and tears. She have been by his side since God knows how long. He can’t remember any moment that Dara ever leave him specially the times when he is down and suffering thru a lot. He knows that he misses her a lot. He tries to be formal throughout the concert proper but he can’t hide how happy he is to be reunited with her once again. They were so close until that one time when he is drinking after a broke up and drunk dial Dara.

”Yoboseyo? Yah Noona!!! Where are you? I’m here in front of your house. Just came from the bar just a few blocks from your house and I decided to visit you.”

”Jiyong-shi? Wae? Okay I’m gonna open the door wait for me”

It’s almost 3AM in the morning. Dara opened the door and saw Jiyong drunk dead. She can’t stand the smell of the alcohol coming from Jiyongs mouth but still manage to get him to sit on the sofa. She almost stumbled because Jiyong was to heavy to carry. She immediately get a hot compress from the kitchen and get some extra shirt from her closet. Jiyong always visits Dara whenever he is not busy and Dara has no other schedules. They usually up for a movie night or just a cooking session once in a while. That’s why Jiyong left some of his shirts on Dara’s house so that he can change everytime he comes over.

“Jiyongie I hate your smell.” She gives him his shirt.

“You should be home by now. I’m aware that you have a MV shoot tomorrow for Bigbang’s comeback album” Dara said while letting Jiyong change his shirt.

“My Noona is so cute! Noona. Why are you like that? You’re so kind. You always take care of me.” Jiyong said while attempting to hug Dara from behind but Dara refused.

“Jiyongie what are you doing! Can you please sober up”

“Noona. I just wanted to be loved and to love. Isn't that a simple thing. But then I always end up being rejected and heartbroken.”

“Is it hard for someone like me to find true love?”

There was a complete silence. Jiyong and Dara was just staring at each other for it feels like eternity until Dara broke the silence.

“No. They just don’t know you better. Maybe they can’t see you as you. Or they can’t stand your angst. They don’t like your attitude. Or you’re getting into their nerves too much that they just want you out of their life. That’s it. You can’t please everyone”

Jiyong was blank for a moment.

“But how about you? You can stand me. You accept my flaws. You haven’t leave me even if I’m a total jerk. I know I fucked up a lot but you’re still here. You still cares for me.”

Dara was flustered for a few seconds. She looks at Jiyongs teary eyes. She then answers in a low tone

“Because… I’m not her. I’m not them. I see you as you. I don’t see you as G-Dragon but Kwon Jiyong. Mistakes make you as a human and I admire you for that.”

Jiyong was caught surprised of what Dara said. He didn’t know that after all those years, Dara didn’t see him as a loser. He always thought that Dara was disappointed in him in everything because she always scold him everytime. She didn’t praise him very often and she always looks irritated whenever Jiyong do some crazy things. That’s why Jiyong on the other hand haven’t attempted to make their friendship glow into something more eventho everyone says that they look good together. He knew that Dara is too good for him. It breaks his heart seeing Dara being admired by every guy that he knows but he can’t do anything about it. He’s aware that he doesn’t have the right and so he spend most of his time to flirt and date random girls that caught his eyes. But at the end of the day he knows very well who he wants to spend his lifetime with. He was just afraid to admit it to himself. Behind his G-Dragon personality is the soft-hearted Jiyong that conceals his true feelings.

Jiyong looks at Dara’s eyes with so much emotion. He doesn’t know what he really wants that moment. He can’t decipher his heart and mind. Maybe he’s too drunk to think straight or maybe sobering up will make this even worse. All he wants now is to held this girl in front of her. He knows that when he lets her go, He’s gonna regret it for the rest of his life and before she knows it, his lips locks into hers with so much passion. Their eyes were filled with tears. Hearts pounding faster until she can’t see anything. She feels like she’s on a hazy euphoria. Their hearts can’t contain every emotion that they feel right now. The warmth of their lips is overwhelming but at the same time it causes a sudden pain in their heart. They don’t know what will happened after this. Nothing is quite clear at this moment but one thing is for sure, the emotion that are present right now is mutual.

After that night, they become awkward with each other not to mention their busy schedules. Bigbang’s comeback and MADE Tour was fast approaching, and Dara’s solo projects too. They barely see each other. They seem to avoid the presence of each other everytime they were in the same place. Every person around them notices it but they choose to keep that to themselves. Days, Months and Years past until everyone forgot it, or maybe not? Until the day that Yang Hyun Suk ask Dara to come to his office for a meeting.

“Dara-shi. Have a seat first. I have something to discuss to you.”

“So Jiyong request you to guest on his concert in the Philippines this coming September 1. As we all know, you're very familiar in there and fans love you dearly. And maybe you can feature his concert and behind the scenes in one of your episodes in your Dara TV. Please think about it.”

Dara was quiet for a moment. She’s thinking about why all of the sudden after a long time would Jiyong wants her to be in his concert. After what happened to them, she thinks that it’s too weird to perform next to him but being professional as she is, she then agreed.

“Just sign this letter of request from GD so he knows that you are coming.”

As Jiyong was kneeling in front of her, the crowd went crazy. They are all chanting “DARAGON”, his dancers adds the spice and throws confetti on them. Dara was quite amazed and shocked. She cant hear what he’s saying because of the loud cheering from everyone. Her face turns red and she doesn’t know what to do. To escape the awkward moment, she decided to crack a Filipino punch line to everyone

“Ginalingan eh! May nanalo na. Uwian na. Uwi na ako!”

As she was about to exit the stage, Jiyong caught her hand and stop her from going.

“Noona. Where are you going? Please stay. I have something to tell you.”

Jiyong signals his band to start the music and his dancers immediately exits the stage leaving the two of them alone, still holding her hand. The crowds chant become more louder but she couldn’t barely hear them, all she hears was her own heart pounding. Up to this moment she doesn’t know what Jiyong was up to.

The song “Untitled 2014” starts to play in the background. Jiyong sings with his whole heart while looking straight into her eyes. His hands didn’t let go of her as he starts singing.

Naege doraogiga

Eoryeopgo himdeun geol ara

Ije deoneun sangcheobatgiga

Duryeopgo silheun geol ara

Nega tteona beorin geunaredo

Mojin mallo neol ulligo

Dwidora seoseo huhoehae mianhae

Jebal dan han beonirado

Neoreul bol su issdamyeon

Nae modeun geol da ilheodo gwaenchanha

Kkumeseorado neoreul manna

Dasi saranghagireul

Uri idaero

Neoege yongseobatgi boda

Jukneun ge deo swiulji molla

I noraereul bulleobojiman

Nae jinsimi daheulji molla

Nega haengbokhagireul barae

Geu heunhan geojismaldo moshago

Doraogiman gidohae mianhae

Jebal dan han beonirado

Neoreul bol su issdamyeon

Nae modeun geol da ilheodo gwaenchanha

Kkumeseorado neoreul manna

Dasi saranghagireul

Uri idaero

Ijeneun kkeutiraneun majimagiraneun

Neoui geu mameul nan mideul su eopseo

I can’t let go cuz you never know

Naegen neo gateun neoegen na gateun

Geureon sarangeun du beon dasineun eopseo

Nobody knows

What you mean to me

You’re always mine

Jebal dan han beonirado

Neoreul bol su issdamyeon

Nae modeun geol da ilheodo gwaenchanha

Kkumeseorado neoreul manna

Dasi saranghagireul

Jigeum i sigani jinagago

Da ijeul su issdamyeon

Geu gieokdo haengbokhaessdeon chueokdo

Ani daeum saengedo neoreul manna

Dasi saranghagireul

Yejeon geudaero

At the end of the song, Jiyong kneels again in front of her.

“Noona. Ahjumma. Yeppeun Yeoja. I know that I’ve been a fool for a long time. I know that I don’t deserve your attention even. But please, listen to me for atleast.

Dara was stunned of what’s happening. The crowd are the loudest at this point. They are all cheering “DARAGON”. The YG crews, bands and dancers are all smiling at her. She didn’t know if this is real or its just a dream. She hoping that someone wake her up if its not but a very big part of her wants it to be real.

“From this moment, I don’t want to call you Noona anymore. So please bear with me on that. Not that I’m being disrespectful to you, My Ahjumma.” Jiyong teases.

“I have wasted so much time and I don’t want to do the same mistake again. I should have told you before that you’re the most beautiful girl in my eyes, inside and out. I shouldn’t have waste every single time proving that to you. If I could just lend you my eyes to you right now so you can see for yourself how special you are to me.”

Dara can’t say anything. Her heart was exploding with too much happiness. She knows that this man in front of her is her biggest heartbreak but he’s is the only one who can fix it too. Jiyong flashes his gummy smile to her as he continue.

“Uhm. Jagi..” and the crowd loses it totally.

“Jagi. Have I told you before that you are my strength? Youre always here for me. You didn’t gave up on me after all that Ive done. Every pieces of you fits on me and Im in my best when Im with you. You are my inspiration. I know that Im not the very best choice for you. Im aware that you have so many guys around that admire you and dying just to be with you right now. But this Kwon Jiyong right here has an advantage. I can sing and dance if you want to. I can act. I’m a total package you know!”

Jiyong was shy all of the sudden as the crowd teases and laughs at what he said.

“I can be your stuff toy. You can cry on me. You can share your happiness with me in an extra level. And I’m willing to give everything just to see you smile”

“Jagi-ya, I don’t know what to say anymore. But as you know, Ill be leaving next year for my enlistment. So I want to ask you something.”

Dara’s heart was pounding too fast that she almost fainted at that moment. She’s too overwhelmed of the revelations.

“Jagiya, I have loved you from the start. Im just too afraid to be rejected by you. That’s why I keep our friendship just to be close to you as always. I don’t want to lose you that’s why I remain to be your friend because I believe that relationships our bound to end at some point but not friendship. I try to fall inlove with other girls so I can move on with my feelings for you but it’s too hard. And now Im not holding back anymore. Ill take this risk before I enter the military. I want my own son or daughter waiting for me as I go home. I want you to wait for me at the end of my military service holding our baby. I want to spend the rest of my eternity with the woman I truly loved”

“Dara-shi, will you marry this Kwon Jiyong?”

"you know, its a good thing. honestly, its good that you see your value even if you dont see it in other places atleast youre seeing it in your intimate relationship. like this is a difference in you - no one prompted this. i didnt say anything to you. i dont think anyone else said anything. you just thought about it and decided on it. thats a really good thing" thank you, friend. because this is a really valid point that makes all the difference and i might not have seen that. for the first time, honestly, im not crazy. like im not questioning my belief as crazy or delusional. i know i dont like this and therefore its wrong. its not 'is this okay' - its not. and now im fed up. and i became quietly fed up. like i just sat on it and sat on it and never spoke about it to anyone. i dont ponder these thougbts with people. i just drive myself crazy thinking about it. because i know it doesnt matter now. i used to think it matter. i used to think that maybe someone knew more or better than i did. maybe i was just sooo dumb and useless that i dont "get it". so i fell in line to what others thought was best. whatever they said, i did. and i would try to seek a certain approval of my own ways so that i could justify believing other people knowing they really didnt know any better than i do. its a really fucked uo pattern thats like just shitty low self esteem. but heres the thing - i gained so much from him. like he completely changed my world view. not who i am but my world view and he gave me, honest to god, the path into humanity. like i also justified my own weakness of not taking more initiative to understand people and thus not feel abhorred by them and continue my cycle of low self esteem. seeing him be the person he is - not because hes great. hes not fucking great. he is legit not great at all. hes not "the best". hes like.. pretty good. okay on a regular basis. but he has a very unique personality and self awareness that mirrors my own in some ways and seeing it play out as an outsider and learning to love this person has allowed me to gain more love for myself. he is weird as shit. hes so fucking weird. i will almost hope to never meet someone as weird as him again because i dont like the odds of humanity turning out someone so weird and not being harmful in some way. but he is confidently weird. and i feel like he might not even be weird at all - hes transparent. hes totally see thriugh and humans are closed off and private and secluded but he speaks free on everything. everything. i have not met a single person like him before and slowly in my own social life away from him ive gained confidence to just be me. like more me than ive been before in an open and honest way. like just speaking freely and backing up what i believe and allowing the world to just be around me. and as people just let me fjcking be - just let me exist as the shitty person i am, each day ive gotten better. ljke im talking sitting on a couch all day no shower not eating chain smoking to getting up and going out to see people and cleaning my house and showering and eating. he didnt do this for me at all but knowing him allowed me o be free enough to discover my own way. like im starting to feel like the bum ive been for a long time but more in like a wow im pretty fed up with myself even. like damnnn. maybe im starting to wake up. maybe the fucking drugs are working and im like well im good so fuck the drugs like all naive assholes. but i dont know. i guess well find out on this awesome rollercoaster of my life. but i feel like im starting to wake back into life. ljke i was dead already, ive been dead and life is moving aeound me and i am a poltergeist . he knew it all along. im just a ghost haunting him. im already dead. but im not really. i have the ability to resurrect and i think i should be grateful that i can. im close to not being able to but i can. so like.. i said it. i said it but not to him but to him and he would know. like i always remember how he freaked out and posted about his ex owing him money multiole times in a row on facebook. he felt super justified in it and never back tracked. and listen - this is already wrong. were on two wrongs. of course its stupid to post anything like that on facebook. but he felt free enough to do it and i want to enjoy that same freedom without worry as well. he kept and keeps repeating that certain things are a waste of his time. and thats suuuuuuper funny to me. like on a shitty i dont even give a fuck anymore level. you know whats a waste of time? A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT REASON. holy fuck. nine months of just... WHAT EVEN IS THIS. HELLO. fuck me, im just like a girl who goes around his place and watches him play video games and sleeps at his house and smokes his weed. thats it. im not even his girlfriend honestly. like that describes exactlt our relarionship because he does nothing for me on a regular basis. nothing at all. so i spend a large portion of my time with a guy who DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK and you want to talk about a waste of fucking time? "its not even that serious of a thing" then you dont even know. you dont even know. but you wouldnt. thats what ill have to work on. he wouldnt know anything about this because i dont talk about it. i mean, if im asked, im bluntly honest about it but i dont talk about it to him or anyone. so he wouldnt think it wasnt "serious". its about texting. its about "spending time together" its about whatever but its about THIS POINTLESS ASS ASSOCIATION WITH HIM. who the fuck are you to my life? like i cant even say hes my friend. i cant say hes my boyfriend. i settled into "the guy im seeing". becahse i dont know how important he should be to give him a fucking name in my story. are you a main character or secondary? and if youre the latter why the fuck you enjoying the benefits of a main? but again - repetition. i cleared this blog out of the earliest entries and you know what? they were all "what the fuck is this". nine months of what the fuck is this. i guess im done being romantic and being like all dreamy about this rogue guy having a life with me. now im like weve been fucking for nine months and created nothing but awkward conversarion between each other. heres the thing. i knew i was desperate. i knew that i pressed hard on fuckboy becahse i was desperste to return to confort and stability of a relationship and living together. i knew that. ive been sooooo careful and sooo insecure about seeming that way again. this may have been one of the first adult ways i went about doing something and im just... NINE MONTHS. holy fuck dude. how casual is nine months. you shouldve left four to five months ago and were still fucking. like he doesnt know what i want in life. like he honest to god thinks im just chilling and living wjthout cause. my god. im fucking old. im sorry. ill be 37 and laugh at myself now but im comfortable with the fact at 27 i realized i wanted true love. i wanted familial love. i wanted a partner in life. more than sex, more than a convinience or simple comfort. more than money, more than drugs. im not looking for a reason to change but i would accept one if it gave me things that were of higher priority and emotionally rewarding to my being. like why should i stop smoking weed when its one of the few things i legitmatelt enjoy? why should i stop smoking at all? why should i work my ass off at a full time job to come home to mt cats? this relationship gives me no purpose. a close intimate relarionshio jn my life gives me no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning other than seeing their face. which is ljke seeing a poster on tbe wall or hearing your fav song. its like an empty enjoyment that fades pretty quick because it gives you nothing deep. i guess im sad that this is life. like im not going to put that on him. i did that with an ex already. like its his fault life has these turns and people chanve and do things and become things. its no ones fault its just a depressing fact everyone lives with. people just come and go and in the end itll be me on my couch typing on a broken phone and smoking weed with my cats. im not depressed. like not anymore than i would be. and whats crazy is i was sober and pissed and got high and continued to be just as pissed because i cant even smoke away the anxious uncertainty. its not about fucking texting. its not a waste of time, youve just made it a waste of time. i didnt go to a party that i was onvited to today. i had a ride too. but ljke.. i knew that id be focused on this and be distracted and burnt out and wnting to go home. i was already on the fence about it anyways. i knew there would be hard drugs there and people drinking and honestly, im better than that now. i really am. i can hang out with these people but i dont need to party with them. its really okay. they can do what they like at their parties and as long as im not putting myself into it, i dont have to care. so its okay. im playing on it more that i didnt go out of anger. its really for the best. i told him i would be coming to get my keys tomorrow in the morning. and like.. i want to. and maybe ill wake uo feeling totally different but in my tired stoned state at 2am i feele more like maybe i wont. like it is important to me. and now that ive made a big deal out of it, i probably should. but like.. thats not really my point. i sent him this... kind of sassy message that basically implied that he was careless for not trying to get my keys to me when hes acting like a jerk and that he wouldnt even know about any of my issues for wanting the keys because he doesnt even know what ive done this week besides fucking laundry at his house because he definitelt hasnt given a shit enough about me to ask at all. like how are you smothered by someone you dont really know about. like youre literally not involved in my life unless i tell you one tidbit of it. like i dont talk to him. ive completely huddled uo in myself now. and i kind of wanted to see if i was deljsional and kept track if he asked me about myself. he never did. NOT ONE TIME. like thats why im stuck on it. how can you feel so overwhelmed as if im literally just peckinf at you lkke an annoying bird or something and you dont see me, speak to me or know anythinf about me. ljke he acts as though im just sending him shit over and over and consrantlt barraging him and im not. at all. the onlt way i could would be by sending one word messages. so this is very delusional on his part and other people would have no problem receiving a message from me. but the keys. id rather just not show up. just remain quiet for the day. but i have no weed and nothing else to do so im not sure what else i would do. i dont even know if that means anything either. ljke oo give me my keys and then i dont even show up for them. who cares, he still gets what he wants. like fuck me lets just end this. its been ruined. it takes both of us to untangle this mess and hes not doing his part so its just ruined. in my head not going to get my keys is like, "oh wow how unlike her to not follow through with something like this i wonder why she didnt come and what shes doing instead" but like its probablt more, "lol dumb bitch cries about keys and doesnt even get them" but at like 9pm at night when he finally realizes i never got them. i legit dont think he cares. its a waste of my time to try and think like ~why is he doing this. i dont care. theres nothing ive done to deserve this and to have no fucking point to now arguing about the ability to hang out? fuck off. ive deserved more. like i deserved a reply to my request for keys. just like a "youre right you can get the keys x" even if im penaljzed for not getting them when i was doing laundry -fine. but lkke.. reply to my fucking message. im not asking some inane bullshit. im asking abiut shit i fucking own outright. i deserve a god damn response when he wastes my fucking time calling about shit HE OWNS in his own fjcking house. like my god. theyre fucking keys. appease me even. laugh at it and tell me theyre in your mailbox. like holy shit, its not even hard to be a dick about that and you sit on no response? its not even a malicious thing. ive explained it even to his mother that its safety now. and hes rrying to impede my fucking safety. like go be you. be you all damn day but you being you doesnt include me so give me back my fucking keys. no one is arguing the being you part. no one is impeding or invading the ability to be you. but being an asshole about it - choosing to ignore it, thats impeding me being me. and i can be me as much as you can be you and i guess im sorry these are rhe consequences. like i try to even think of a reason why hes avoided my mentions of it. like why? you know what i want. what reason do you need to hold on to keys you never even use? what do you think im doing? ljke.. is it ljke im trying to clean up before offing myself? do i have a secret lover im movinf in and need keys for? am i offending his sejbilities of being my care giver by telling him hes not doing a good job? like he was offended by the thought that me saying or being in a huff about him not driving me somewhere meant that he didnt do anything or was being a bad boyfriend. so is this like in his mind some big insult to him and hes not even going to respond to it. like its just soo ridiculous to him hes just going to ignore it? simple fucking quesrion. so fucking simple. but hours of waiting. hours and hours. its 3 now and i want to say ill still be mad but i probably wont be mad enoufb to walk to his house. i want to be. but i guess i just need some depression days rifht now. i am doing good. and im still doing good and feeling down about these things is okay.