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biaswreckingfics · 2 years

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I Still Love You...

Pairing: Byun Baekhyun x Female Reader

Genre: Angst, Exes to Lovers AU

Word Count: 6.8k

Warnings: pure pain awaits you 😅😅 good luck?

Summary: At the time, it seemed like the smartest decision when you and Baekhyun broke up. You deeply loved each other, but priorities and life were against you, and being together became too hard.

Coming face-to-face with him half a year later, reveals how deep your feelings still are for him, and you're terrified that you'll never be able to move on from him... or that you'll even want to in the end.

Notes: *inspired by this drabble* *italicized parts are flashbacks* *listen to Baekhyun's song Love Again to suffer even more* *Lastly, Happy birthday, Baek!!*

Laughter fills the air as your group of friends tease each other. Focusing mostly on the elusive host of the quickly planned get-together you're attending, Yixing smiles good-naturedly as he willingly takes the jokes being thrown his way. An overwhelming sense of happiness floods you as you watch them all. This is how things should be. You and the people you love relaxing and enjoying life together.

It's been way too long since this group of people has been together like this. Where you've all managed to get away from work and school, and Yixing was able to take time off and fly back to you guys. With Yixing being in a different country, it's hard to come across moments like this, so you cherish them and hold onto them for dear life.

There's just one integral piece of your community missing. If you have to guess, he's probably going to show up any second. Baekhyun never misses it when Yixing comes to town. No matter how busy he is.

Your heart flutters at the thought of seeing your ex again. Of seeing his bright smile grace his face as he laughs at something one of you says. You take a calming breath as you think about Baekhyun and remember that things are different now. That beautiful smile he always sent your way was no longer yours to receive. That reminder alone nearly breaks your heart all over again.

Yixing's laughter greets your ears again, and you pull yourself out of your thoughts to study his face. The pure joy you see on it helps you make a decision you didn't realize you were contemplating. Tonight, you'll push aside the feelings you still have for Baekhyun. You'll pretend that you're fine and unhurt just to keep those smiles on your friends' faces. To not cloud over their night with your angst.

You'll ignore him as much as you can and try to forget about how you're still completely in love with him. How you're actually excited to see him. To see his eyes sparkle as he animatedly speaks to everyone.

After the breakup, you had tried to move on from Baekhyun. You pushed yourself to go on dates - to try to connect with other people - but it just didn't work. You found yourself comparing all of your dates to him and wishing it was him across from you instead of these random strangers. You wished it was Baekhyun sending you good night texts or showing up at your door with flowers, and you felt bad for those poor souls who tried to capture your attention. Unfortunately, your mind was stuck on one person.

A knocking sound on the front door fills the room, and your heart beats wildly in your chest. Yixing gets up from his seat to answer it, and you do your best not to turn around and watch. A chorus of greetings surrounds you as the door opens. Soon, everyone is yelling some variation of hello towards the newcomer. You turn your head toward the door, unable to stand it anymore, and your heart nearly stops as you take in Baekhyun in all his glory. A giant smile is present on his face when he sees Yixing and everyone else behind him.

Somehow, you find yourself anxiously sitting on some stranger’s couch all thanks to your best friend Dabin. The people around you are all very nice and seem lovely, but you've never been good at first meetings. You'd consider yourself an introvert when being introduced to new people, and it took a while to get out of your shell. The only reason you're here is because Dabin is finally meeting her boyfriend's friends, and she dragged you along for moral support.

A knock on the door slightly startles you, and you glance around the room wondering how many more people could possibly be showing up. There are already like 15 of you here. You turn to see who else has just arrived and when your eyes focus on one man, your breath is taken away. He's gorgeous… and the way he lively greets the host enchants you…

You swallow, trying to wet your dry throat as you silently watch him enter the home like he owns the place. Everyone shouts greetings or cheers as he approaches, clearly happy to see him. You feel a part of yourself shrinking as you take in his larger-than-life persona.

His eyes survey the room as he greets everyone, and when they fall on you, they light up with interest. He sends you a sweet smile that has your heart stuttering, and you know right then that this man is trouble.

"Y/N, this is our friend, Baekhyun."

Chanyeol’s voice still replays in your mind as you watch the same scenario unfold before your eyes. There's only one difference this time.

Baekhyun's not alone. His new girlfriend is with him.

Dabin had already warned you about her existence and the possibility that she'd be here tonight, so you were prepared for the most part. Dabin told you they've been together for a month and that it was still relatively new, but that didn't make it hurt any less. That did not mean that it didn't suck seeing them together.

Forcing a light smile on your face, you allow yourself to meet Baekhyun's eyes. They brighten as they find you, much like they did the first time, but that luminesce quickly disappears after a moment. You can see he's holding himself back and making it clear that you're nothing but an old friend. Someone important, but not important enough.

He offers you a small smile in return before his hand reaches toward his girlfriend, and he finds her fingers. If you could crawl further into your body, you would, but you try not to let that show as your gaze falls to her.

She's stunning. A piece of art that looks perfect besides Baekhyun, and from everything Dabin has told you about her, it seems like her personality matches. Good. Baekhyun deserves someone that'll treat him magnificently. He deserves happiness.

The quiet murmurs behind you make you realize that everyone is watching this moment. Even if they're attempting to be subtle - which, you know if you turn around, they're anything but - it feels like the room is collectively holding its breath. They all knew this moment was coming, but none of them knew how to properly approach it, including Baekhyun, who looks just as hesitant as you feel.

His girlfriend steps toward you, breaking the tension in the room and pulling your attention to her. She holds her hand out to you and introduces herself, breaking Baekhyun out of his stupor, so he can finish the introduction.

You lightly shake her hand, seeing no ill-will or malice in her gaze, and find yourself relaxing a bit. When you give her a genuine smile, you visibly see her shoulders relax. Obviously, she's extremely nervous to be meeting all of his friends like this. You knew exactly how that felt, so you didn't need to add any extra stress for her as the ex. You can put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy for their sake as well.

"Thank god that's over."

Chanyeol’s voice helps remove the rest of the tension in the room, and a couple people chuckle. You let a smile grace your face, but you're still focused on their presence, especially as they move to sit in the chair across from you. Baekhyun pats his lap for her to sit down. When she quickly glances around and realizes there aren't any other seats available, she sits down on his lap and gets comfortable. Much to your dismay, you see him wrap his arms around her waist and rest his chin on her shoulder. The sight is like a stab to your chest, but you push it away with all the rest of your emotions.

Except now that you're seeing him with your own eyes, it's like your brain wants to torture you. Flashes of important moments in your relationship repeat in your mind until you get to the one that you wish you could forget forever. The one you'd easily consider to be one of the worst moments of your life.

Baekhyun's hands are wrapped around yours, and the two of you are gripping and squeezing each other's hands like they're lifeboats keeping you afloat. Tears stream down both of your faces as you lean against each other on the couch.

This is the only solution. Both of you know it, yet, it's one of the hardest things you've ever done. The two of you love each other fiercely, but it feels like you're clasping and trying to hold on to something that just keeps slipping through your fingers. Neither of you wants to let go, but what else can you do? It's a heartbreaking case of the right person at the wrong time.

Between the stresses of work and school, trying to achieve your dreams, and keeping your families happy, your schedules are like night and day. Finding time to be with each other is becoming impossible. The two of you are like ships passing each other in the night. You know the other is there for you, but you rarely ever see them. You both hate it and curse it, but neither of you knows how to change it without compromising things you need or want. Even if being together is one of those things.

"I think it's time we let go," Baekhyun says, though it comes out as more of a sob.

You bite your bottom lip until you taste blood. This isn't what you want. This isn't what either of you want, but what other option is there? It's too hard to keep going on like this. You're too tired of trying to fight for something that doesn't seem like it's meant to be.

You nod because you know if you open your mouth, words won't be what comes out. A whine of someone who's in pain will kiss the air, and neither of you will have the strength to go through with this after. You'll continue being lonely and miserable instead.

Dabin accidentally bumps you, pulling you out of memories you hoped you had suppressed. The breakup was seven months ago, but it still hurts like it was yesterday. It still feels like you can't breathe when those memories resurface.

"Hey," Dabin gazes at you with concern. "You okay?"

You pull that same empty smile back on your face and nod. The sympathetic expression on hers tells you that it's obvious where you had gone in your head. She forces you to join the discussion with the others, probably hoping to distract you.

Glancing at the faces around you, you allow their lively expressions and laughter-filled smiles to pull you from those upsetting memories. This is what you need to focus on. The here and now with the people you love and cherish.

Though once old group memories begin to get brought up, it's hard to separate your relationship with Baekhyun from your relationship with the group. They were so entwined and connected. There are no group memories without coupled Baekhyun and you, and you're gonna have to accept it and roll with the punches.

"Didn't Dabin threaten to beat Chanyeol up for that?"

"Girls must have a thing for threatening Chanyeol because I remember Y/N threatening him too," Jongdae answers Sehun in a roundabout way, causing Baekhyun to chime in.

"That was well deserved!"

Your mind flashes back to Junmyeon's birthday when the group was playing Truth or Dare in an attempt to get Junmyeon to embarrass himself. Jongin was on a health kick, and when Chanyeol saw an opportunity to mess with Baekhyun, he took it.

You repeat the word "please" in your head as Chanyeol looks for his next victim. He already made Jongdae eat some gross-ass thing he concocted, and you didn't want to be his next victim. If you choose truth, Chanyeol knows enough of your secrets that it could backfire on you.

"Baekhyun! Truth or Dare?"

Baekhyun meets his gaze with an unbothered expression. "Dare."

Chanyeol grins wickedly before standing up and walking to the bowl of salad Jongin brought. He reaches into the bowl, ignoring Jongin's protests about his dirty fingers, and pulls out a green circle.

"I dare you to eat this."

Snickers fill the air around you as you stare at the cut-up piece of cucumber. You quickly turn and look at Baekhyun, but his glare is leveled on Chanyeol. Everyone knew Baekhyun hated cucumbers and that this is the one dare he wouldn't do, including Chanyeol.

"No."

"No? Then, I guess you better strip naked and run down the street to the police station."

Your eyes widen at Chanyeol’s second option. Junmyeon immediately protests, citing he doesn't want to see Baekhyun naked or arrested for indecent exposure, but Chanyeol ignores him completely.

"I had to send a nude to my ex last time. Someone - besides me - is getting naked."

"We're grown adults," Sehun groans. "Why does anyone have to get naked?"

"So, my best friend either wants me dead or arrested," Baekhyun says with a deadpan expression.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "Don't be so dramatic."

You sigh and try to remind Chanyeol that the goal tonight is to embarrass Junmyeon, not Baekhyun. "Chanyeol, just give him a different dare, or else we're all going to just sit here for the rest of the night."

Chanyeol and Baekhyun are already stubborn people, but the moment alcohol is added, their stubbornness increases tenfold. You know that if one of them doesn't cave soon, the game is over, and someone will be pissy the rest of the night. Chanyeol must've realized this too because you noticed him slowly moving towards Baekhyun, offending green food in hand.

"Chanyeol, if you go anywhere near him with that cucumber, I will shove it down your throat," you threaten. You may be halfway tired of the two idiots, but you’re always willing to defend your boyfriend.

Chanyeol freezes, and Baekhyun looks at him in disbelief before immediately searching for the closest object to him. Junmyeon sighs loudly as a remote flies toward Chanyeol, and Jongin pouts, softly murmuring about Chanyeol’s fingers in his salad.

Rolling your eyes at the memory, you shoot Chanyeol a sweet smile and say, "It's okay. We got payback at the gym."

Dabin snorts next to you. "I forgot you stole all of his clothes while he was in the shower."

"That was not funny! Those little towels they give you don't cover shit!" Chanyeol whines, still visibly perturbed by the memory.

Baekhyun laughs. "When he came out of the locker room trying to cover himself with them, I thought I was going to die of laughter."

You and Baekhyun look at each other with wide smiles on your face. The trouble the two of you used to cause would drive the rest of the group nuts, but you both reveled in it. He was your partner-in-crime, and if the two of you could get away with something, you did it.

"God, the two of you were menaces together," Jongdae groans, causing Minseok to agree.

"They were quite the duo."

You both share soft smiles as you relive the pranks and mayhem you used to cause. The memories flood you with a warm feeling, and you suddenly wish you could go back in time and do it all over again, even if the outcome would still be the same.

"It's a good thing you guys broke up because you're too powerful together," Chanyeol jokes but doesn't realize it falls flat.

You fall silent, barely feeling Dabin shift closer to you so that your arms are against each other in a gesture of comfort. You feel eyes on you, and you look up to see both Junmyeon and Minseok looking at you with sympathy in their gaze. Minseok quickly looks away and changes the topic before it can get any more awkward, and you couldn't be more grateful.

Slowly, your eyes trail to Baekhyun, and it registers in your mind that he's gone silent as well. He looks deep in thought. Almost like the words affected him too. Like he wishes they never graced the air. Your eyes trail down to his hands, and you see him absent-mindedly playing with his girlfriend's fingers, something he did a thousand times with you.

You rip your gaze away as a sick feeling begins in your stomach, but not before Baekhyun notices your stare. You try to play it off, pulling Dabin into a side conversation until you feel his gaze drift away and take a deep breath. You can do this. You've got this.

Almost unwillingly, your eyes find their way back to Baekhyun. The sight before you has the air in your lungs vanishing and your heartbeat stuttering. Baekhyun leans toward his girlfriend as she leans back against him, and he kisses her lips softly. He kisses her like she's the most delicate and precious thing in this world, and it feels like your heart is being ripped from your chest.

The edges of your vision blacken. The couple is the only thing you can see, but it's almost like they're moving away from you, like you're seeing them but not really. A tiny whimper might have escaped your throat, but you're not sure. The only thing you're sure of is your fight or flight response kicking in, and you quickly choose the latter.

You're on your feet and escaping the room before your brain can completely register it. The only thing you know is that you need to get away as soon as possible. You need to distance yourself from them.

The first viable option you find is the bathroom. You quickly duck into the small room and shut the door behind you, locking it and leaning against the hard wood. Air burns your lungs as you suck it back into your body, and you finally start to notice your eyes burning. Blinking rapidly, you try to calm yourself down and make sure no evidence of your near breakdown is visible on your face, though your exit was glaringly obvious.

You move to the counter and flatten your palms on it in an attempt to ground yourself. Mumbled voices reach your ears, and you can hear the worry and questioning behind them. Instant regret slams into you when you realize you have to go back out there and face everybody, face them. Your temporary escape was only that. Temporary.

You thought you were prepared to face him, to see him with his girlfriend, and everything would be fine, but it's so far from the truth. You don't know if you can actually do this, but you have to try. For your friends. For Yixing. For yourself.

Working up the courage to go back out there, you take a few more steadying breaths and straighten your body. This is going to be embarrassing and awkward, but it'll pass. You'll make it through this night, and you'll never have to see Baekhyun and his girlfriend again if you don't want to… You almost hate yourself when you realize you'll gladly see Baekhyun again. No matter how much it hurts.

Coming up with a weak alibi, you flush the toilet and turn on the sink, pretending as if you went to the bathroom. You check your reflection as the water runs, making sure you're not splotchy and look normal. Once you're satisfied, you quickly wash your hands before shutting off the sink and drying them. You then swing open the bathroom door like everything's normal.

The conversation quiets down as you enter the room, and when nearly everyone is staring at you, you offer a sheepish smile.

"Sorry, I really needed to use the restroom."

The looks on their faces tell you they don't believe you at all, but they kindly accept the lie and focus on something else. When you sit down, Dabin gives you a worried look, but you wave her off and do your best to focus on her conversation with Jongin. It takes all of your willpower to not look at the seat across from you. Especially when you feel two sets of eyes boring holes into the side of your face.

You continue on like that for the next hour. You talk to the people around you, let their conversations pull your attention, and avoid Baekhyun's area like the plague. You allow yourself to live in the lie that everything is okay - that you're okay. It works. Barely.

"Dang, the chips are gone," Kyungsoo looks mournfully at the empty bowl.

"Beer too," Sehun adds, looking just as sad.

Knowing there's more in the kitchen, you stand up and offer to grab some more. Yixing shoots you a grateful smile since he's in the middle of a phone call, and you wave him off. You could use the distraction.

Walking into the kitchen, you take a moment to yourself before you move to the refrigerator and open it. You hear footsteps behind you and assume it's Yixing coming to help you, but when you turn to say something to him, you find out you're dead wrong.

Baekhyun stands in the doorway, hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans as he lightly nibbles on his bottom lip. Your heart slams against your ribcage as you take in the sight of him, and you have to remind yourself to breathe.

"How are you?" He quietly asks.

It takes a moment for you to find your voice. "I'm okay… How are you?"

Baekhyun looks unsure of your words, but he's no longer in a position to question them, so he slowly nods. "I'm good."

"Good," you mumble, happy that he appears to be doing better than you. It'd almost hurt more to see him suffering like you are.

When words fail both of you, you put a fake smile on your face and say, "It's great we were all able to get together today."

Baekhyun's expression appears pained. Partially because it's sad that this is where the two of you are now, but also because you know he can see that you're hurting. Baekhyun always knew how you felt almost before you did, but you aren't going to allow that to be on his conscience. You both agreed to separate. He doesn't need to be punished because he found happiness again.

"Yeah," he clears his throat. "It's great to see everyone."

You hum and turn away from him, pulling the drinks out of the refrigerator so you can focus on something else. Something other than the most beautiful man in the universe staring at you like you're his favorite broken toy, and he doesn't know how to put you back together even though he desperately wants to.

"Are you okay?" He finally asks.

Your eyes fall closed, and you steady your breathing before you face him again. In the most believable voice you can manage, you say, "I'm fine."

"Don't…" He immediately says, shaking his head. "Don't do that."

"Do what?" Your voice comes out a little breathless due to the intensity behind his eyes.

The pained expression is clear on his face now. "Don't lie to me. Don't try to put on some face with me to save my feelings."

"Baekhyun, I'm not - "

"Please…" His voice cracks and that paired with the honest and raw expression in his pleading eyes is nearly your undoing.

You can't do this. You can't tell him the truth, but you can't lie either. Not to Baekhyun. You've never lied to him before, and he knew you like the back of his hand anyway. He'd know you weren't being honest. It didn't matter, though, because you can't tell him how you really feel. You can't tell him and upend his new world. You won't.

You open your mouth to speak, but he's quick to cut you off. "Don't lie to me, either… I know you. I know you're… hurting."

Debating the ramifications, you meet his pleading stare with an honest one of your own. This could be your one chance to tell him how you feel. Even if it doesn't change anything. Even if he acknowledges it and walks away, at least you told him…

"It hurts…" Your voice breaks. "It hurts seeing you be like that with someone else. It almost hurts to breathe in your presence, and it kills me to not be by your side because I am still so in love with you… so deeply in love with you that I'm scared I'll never be over you."

Your words nearly end on a sob, and you're amazed that you're able to get that much out. That you somehow found the strength to push them from your mouth.

Baekhyun's face is a mixture of surprise and shock. He knew you were hurting, but you don't think he knew how you were still in love with him. How much it hurt seeing him and his girlfriend today. A look of pure anguish and grief takes over his features, and you realize he has no idea what to say or do. He didn't expect any of that to come out when he asked if you were okay. Maybe an "It's hard" but certainly not "I'm still deeply in love with you".

He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out at first. What can you even say to something like that? You immediately feel ashamed and like an idiot. He has a freaking girlfriend. She's right down the hallway for goodness sake! He's moved on. He doesn't still love you, and you should've kept your mouth shut like you originally planned.

"I'm so sorry," you blurt out. "I shouldn't have said anything."

You quickly move past him, trying to get away from what just happened, all while repeating how sorry you are for saying anything. Though, before you get past him and free of the kitchen, he grabs your arm and stops you.

"Wait."

"I shouldn't have said any of that."

"Will you please just let me talk?" His voice is more serious than you've ever heard it.

You squeeze your eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I know you've moved on. I should've kept it to myself."

"No, you shouldn't have." His grip tightens on your arm. "Now, will you just give me a moment to talk?"

Your eyes find his as tears threaten to leak from them. It's completely selfish not wanting to listen to what he has to say, especially after everything that just fell from your lips, but you can't be broken up with twice. You can't be rejected again, even if the first time was mutual. The first time nearly broke you. You didn't know if you'd survive a second time.

Pulling your arm out of his grasp, you shake your head and back away from him, preparing for your getaway. "I'm sorry… I can't."

Baekhyun's Pov

Baekhyun stands completely dumbfounded in the kitchen. Your words replay over and over in his head until he feels like he is in some sort of sick dream.

He's wanted to hear those words from you nearly every day since the breakup. Dreamt of it dozens of times throughout the months, and he considers pinching himself to make sure he's not dreaming right now. To make sure that you really just told him you're still in love with him. The person he had fallen so head-over-heels for it had knocked the breath out of him.

You still love him… but… he has a girlfriend now…

The feeling of being ripped open cracks his chest, and Baekhyun doesn't know if he's ever been more torn in his life. You're you. You're everything, but it didn't work out the first time, so why should he be stupid enough to think it'd work a second time? Especially when there hasn't been much change in either of your circumstances.

His girlfriend is amazing. Thoughtful, caring, giving… She makes him happy. She helped him come back from the darkness he felt when the two of you broke up. Helped him realize he could find someone to be happy with again, but she also wasn't you.

He sighs, having absolutely zero clue of what he should do. The tiniest part of him wishes he never asked, wishes he never knew your true feelings. That's just the selfish part of him that doesn't want to inevitably hurt someone he cares about.

It was already hard enough being here in your presence and having to relive old memories. Now, he has no idea what to expect as he walks out of the kitchen and back to the main room. He's unsure if he should look at you or not, but as he passes you, his eyes try to find yours regardless. He silently begs you to look at him, but you refuse. Your eyes are laser-focused on Yixing as he talks, but Baekhyun is positive you have no idea what he's saying. You're so still. He knows you're waiting for the hammer to fall down.

Baekhyun sits down, his girlfriend finding her way back on his lap again, and now all he can think about is how this sight might be killing you. If he were in your position, he had no idea what he would do. All he knew was that it wouldn't be pretty. He takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders, causing his girlfriend to look back at him curiously. He flashes her a smile and decides to push your words out of his head and focus on the present.

That would be a lot easier if your actions didn't keep drawing his attention right back to you. Every time you speak or laugh, his eyes are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. He can't stop himself, and he's unsure if he even wants to.

You're just as beautiful as he remembered. Just as eloquent and lively as before, but he can see the difference in you, no matter how much you try to hide it. You're hurting, just as bad as he was, if not even more. Baekhyun feels sick at the thought. He thought the breakup would help you both, but it's clear it had the opposite effect. It destroyed you instead.

Your words continue to repeat in his head like a broken record. He knew how much it cost you to speak those words. To admit to being in pain and scared. To admit to being in love with him still… and it'd be a blatant lie for him to say he doesn't still have feelings for you.

The moment he heard those words from you, he wanted to take you back immediately. He wanted to pretend the breakup was just a nightmare and go back to the way things were. He almost told you he still loved you too, so much that the thought you felt even an inkling of the same electrified him. If you hadn't stopped him, if you had allowed him to talk, the two of you would probably be making up for lost time right now.

Shifting on his lap catches his attention, and he looks away from you to see his girlfriend watching him. Guilt threatens to drown him. None of this is fair to her. She doesn't deserve to have her boyfriend focused on someone else. She deserves the world, and Baekhyun is just now realizing he can't give it to her. He can't give her all of him because you still hold such a massive piece in your hands.

"What happened in there?" She softly asks.

Baekhyun's entire being freezes. He has no idea what to say. He barely even knows what to think himself, but he certainly knows that now isn't the time for this conversation. The two of them needed to talk in private, so for now, he'd play it off and act like everything is fine.

"Nothing," he gives her a soft smile. "We were just catching up is all."

Her eyebrows raise, and he knows she's smarter than that. She knows there's more to it.

"You both came out looking like different people."

Her words startle him. He hadn't realized how transparent he was being. Do they all know that something is going on? Is it written on your faces?

"Let's talk about it later," he says as gently as he can.

His girlfriend pauses for a moment before she says, "She still loves you, doesn't she?"

His breath escapes him, and he looks at her in surprise. If he felt like he was drowning earlier, a tidal wave was now crashing down on top of him too. Any chance of a lifeboat coming in and telling him everything will be okay is minuscule. How did she know?

She only nods, like the answer is clear to her. "And you?"

A tight feeling in his chest rises to his attention, and he has to remind himself to breathe. He doesn't want to hurt her. That's the absolute last thing he wants, but his silence gives her the answer she needs.

She turns away from him, slightly nodding to herself as she processes the information he didn't mean to give her yet. When she looks back at him, he sees acceptance on her face, almost like she expected this to eventually happen. A small smile and slightly watery eyes meet his gaze, and Baekhyun wants to pull her into the tightest hug. She doesn't deserve this.

She leans toward him and kisses his cheek before lowly murmuring, "Don't let her get away this time."

Before Baekhyun can even respond, she stands up from his lap. When people turn to look at her, she smiles and then turns to Yixing, thanking him for his hospitality. After that, she turns to the door and walks out, not only of Yixing's house but of Baekhyun's life.

A few people glance at him curiously, but all he offers them is a small smile. Even though he's feeling anything but calm. He's completely dumbfounded. Again. He's shocked by her actions, relieved that she gave him an out without so much as a word, and guilty for feeling relieved.

Baekhyun didn't know if he'd ever be able to do what she just did, but it completely fits her personality. Her soft and selfless nature, which only caused his guilt to grow, but… this is exactly what he wanted. He knew he couldn't be with her. He didn't want to be because of you.

He carefully watches you, and though you're trying your absolute best not to look over at him, he can tell you're dying to know what just happened. He thinks over your relationship, the small moments he deeply cherished, and all of the light and laughter you brought to his life… All the hell of not being able to see and spend time with each other was worth it for all those little moments you had together. He's still deeply in love with you too.

Y/N’s POV

Curiosity is getting the better of you. You're dying to know why Baekhyun's girlfriend left. Did she have somewhere else to be? It didn't look like they fought or anything. In fact, she kissed him on the cheek before she left. Surely, everything is okay between them… There's no way Baekhyun told her what you said, right?

You try to focus on Jongdae and Kyungsoo's conversation, but your mind is too busy running wild with possibilities and theories. You made a mistake telling Baekhyun your real feelings, didn't you? That's why she left, isn't it? No, that doesn't make sense. Why would that cause her to leave? It's not Baekhyun's fault how you feel, and it's not like he feels the same.

Well, you assume not, but you didn't exactly give him a chance to speak on anything you said. You tucked your tail and ran like your life depended on it. Baekhyun moved on, though, so you are assuming you're correct. Then again, you know what they say about assumptions…

You keep glancing over at Baekhyun, but he never looks your way. Actually, he barely looks at anyone. He just looks deep in thought as he stares at the armrest of Chanyeol’s chair. It drives you absolutely insane that nobody speaks about what happened. Your friends are some of the nosiest people you know, and you know they're dying to find out why Baekhyun looks spaced out and his girlfriend left.

As the night wraps up, you say your goodbyes, giving the people you don't see often extra tight hugs, especially Yixing. After making him promise not to be gone so long next time, you glance around the room to make sure you got everyone. When you spot Baekhyun talking to Junmyeon, you debate for a total of 10 seconds if you're going to say goodbye or once again tuck your tail and run. You choose the latter.

Grabbing your things, you exit Yixing's house, thinking you made a clean getaway when you suddenly hear a "wait" from behind. You freeze on the front porch, knowing that voice all too well. When you turn around, you see Baekhyun running toward you, almost breathless.

The determination in his eyes startles you, and when he takes a step toward you, you almost take a step back. Managing to stay still, you allow Baekhyun to reach down and take your slightly trembling hands in his. You look at him with wide eyes, your voice gone as you wait for him to say something. Anything.

"I still love you too," he says, eyes searching yours. "We made a mistake breaking up. We should've stuck it out together, living in those short moments of bliss when we could make time for each other. If I had known we'd both be miserable, I never would've allowed it to happen. When it was just me… I could handle it, but I can't handle you being unhappy too."

Your mouth parts in shock, and you search his face to try and understand if this is really happening. These are the words you've wanted to hear from Baekhyun for months. You want nothing more than to be with him again, but… it's no use. There hasn't been any change in your lives. Maybe you're slightly less busy, but it wouldn't make much of a difference.

"Baekhyun… Those words mean everything to me, but…" you whisper, "nothing has changed…"

"Can you really walk away when we both know that the other's hurting? When we both know what the other wants?"

Could you? Walking away the first time was hard enough. Now, you know what both sides of the coin look like, and you know you'd rather suffer the time you have to be apart just for those little moments. You want to be with him. Desperately. Without him, you're half the person you used to be.

"No…" you whisper, searching his eyes.

He can read the feelings on your face loud and clear. His hands drop yours and come up to cup your face. He pulls you toward him, meeting your lips halfway. You immediately open yourself to let him in, and he takes advantage, tongue swiping against yours feverishly. The both of you pour your entire souls into the kiss, letting the other know all the things you want to say but don't know how to word. Suddenly, it's like everything clicks into place.

A pounding sound startles you apart, and you both turn to see your friends banging against the glass of the window that overlooks the porch. A couple of them cheer while others continue to pound on the glass with happy smiles on their faces.

A grin overtakes your mouth, and you glance at Baekhyun to see he's wearing a matching one. His eyes twinkle as he looks at you before he pulls you back to him and kisses you just as passionately as before. The two of you put on a show for your friends, who eat up every second of it, and everything feels right again.

Baekhyun pulls away and rests his forehead against yours. You breathe in each other's air as he happily stares into your eyes.

"I'm never letting go of you again."

403 notes · View notes

suphoshi · 4 years

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THE SUN, THE MOON, THE STARS | Byun Baekhyun x reader

PART I | PART II

Genre: Best friends to lovers AU, angst, some fluff, v v small amount of smut (i mean nearly non-existent, but def there)

Warnings: Horrible coping mechanisms (lots of drinking ((small mention of underage drinking)), making out/sex with strangers), possible trigger for depression, assault

Baekhyun holds the sun, the moon, and the stars in his eyes. How could he ever expect you not to love him?

PART I

Word Count: 8,439

Did you know the closest star to Earth is the sun?

94.376 million miles apart. That’s equivalent to traveling the circumference of the earth 3,790 times, travelling from one side of Asia to the other 78,646 times, running the Boston marathon 3,629,846 times.

The closest star to the Earth is the sun, a sad lonely world with its closest friend lightyears away, but not for you. You need only open your eyes at 12:04am on a Saturday night at age fourteen and it’s right there, hovering above you, a blazing fire of magnificence that breathes every bit of light there is into your soul. The dimples in his cheeks filled with the fiery chasms that brighten the earth, eyes sparkling with billions of galaxies.

“Let’s run away.” He would whisper after kicking his shoes off, flopping onto the other side of the bed. His voice smooth like the honey you used to mix into tea when you were sick (he healed you just the same), filling your arms with goosebumps, longing to hear more. He’d turn to face you and every time, even in the darkness of your room, you could see it.

Starlight found you in Baekhyun’s eyes.

“Corona Borealis…” you whispered nonchalantly, and his eyebrows scrunched up in that cute way they always did when he was confused. “The Northern Crown.”

A smile fixed itself onto your cheeks, but he was already launching into a story about his mom yelling at him for his grades, accustomed to the random thoughts that you spurted out with no regards to its relevance. You hardly listened. Seven beautiful stars that showed the crown in his eyes. If only you could stare at them through a telescope, dissect their structure, find your way into their stories, and make a home for yourself. Would he ever have room for you?

He stared at the ceiling while he spoke, constellations flowing from his lips in a way that lit up the whole room, your eyes transfixed on him and only him, each glimmer of light more beautiful than the next. He never noticed that you weren’t listening, never attempted to shake you back to reality. That was the magic of his existence, how rare he was. Someone who was just pleased with your company, never expecting more than your presence.

You met him when you were eight, back when stars only existed in the sky. Your days before him were filled with silence, eyes fixed on the ground, no one paying attention to the rich girl who seemed to think she was better than everyone. It wasn’t true, but who were you to change their minds? You never cared what people thought, never wanted to befriend anyone, or show them you were different. Well- not until you found yourself face first in a sandbox, a group of girls shoving you down, pulling your hair - “you think you’re better than us, huh?”. It was only then that you wished for a friend. Wished you had someone who cared enough to help. Someone who loved you enough to worry.

Tears rolled down your sand coated cheeks, bile in your throat, fear in your belly. You wanted to disappear.

“Get off her!”

Baekhyun’s voice was still shrill then, shoving the girls off one at a time until they all ran away, a beacon of hope you never saw coming. He dusted off your shoulders, patted your back while you sputtered and coughed, let you cry until your fathers’ voice rang in your mind like a shrill alarm. ‘An heiress never cries’. The words echoed through you over and over until you found the strength to pull your knees up to your chest and lower your head, forever trying to make yourself smaller, hiding from the world.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He spoke softly, stroking your hair. Chills ran down your spine. No one had ever touched you like that, with such sincerity. Not even your parents. You found the courage to look up at him and found yourself breathless once again but for a different reason.

His eyes.

He wiped your cheeks with gentle fingers, dusted more sand off your forehead, but you couldn’t look away from his eyes. “It’s okay, they’re gone now.” His gentle voice soothing the wrinkles in your forehead.

“Aquarius.” You mumbled and he tilted his head to the side.

“My mom told me I’m a Capricorn I think.” He replied, but you shook your head.

“The water bearer. It’s a constellation.” His eyebrows scrunched together, and a smile found your cheeks. When he returned it, your felt butterflies in your stomach.

You had never seen stars in anyone else, not before him and not after. You spent your entire childhood by his side, clinging to him despite all of life’s obstacles, like the time he broke his wrist while riding his bike down a hill; or, when he got into a fight in middle school and you got yourself suspended for punching the other guy in the face (you didn’t even know why they were fighting). He was your favorite lifeline, the only friend you ever wanted… The only love you ever needed.

You always wondered if he would ever see you like that. If he would see you at all. The way he smiled at you was not the way you smiled at him. Did he get chills when his hand brushed against yours while walking down the hall? Did he fall asleep with a smile on his face at just the memory of you laughing, matching the dopey one you fell asleep with when you thought of him? As the years went on, he constantly drilled the notion into your head that you were just friends. You would only ever be friends.

“You need to go out with someone other than me, people think we’re dating. You don’t have any other friends.”

It was your seventeenth birthday. He woke you up with a strawberry cupcake and his sunshine smile. You could not have asked for anything more. Minus the talk of going to your first party without him, of course. It made your stomach churn with anxiety. It was your birthday, why should you spend it with anyone other than him?

He was all you would ever want, never asking for more than a lifetime of studying his eyes and hearing him laugh, but he obviously had different ideas.

“I’m not always going to be here, you know.”

His words caused a panic to rise in your chest, head snapping to face him so quickly that it took you several minutes to adjust to his frame. He only met your gaze for a few moments before letting his eyes trail down to his twiddling fingers.

“Why wouldn’t you always be here?” You asked incredulously and he laughed.

“That’s how life works. We’ll be friends through high school, maybe some college, but then we’ll meet people we really like. You’ll get married; I’ll get married. We’ll have kids. Then we’ll just be an old memory. Pictures in scrap books. You know?”

You shook your head ‘no’ immediately, afraid to speak for fear that you would scream at him. How could he be so stupid? So blind? Of course, you knew he would find someone since you weren’t the one he wanted, but how could he think that you would ever love anyone but him? How could he ever imagine a life where you weren’t there when you couldn’t even think about it without tears filling your eyes?

He smiled as you shook your head and reached his hand out, smoothing down the side of your hair. You leaned into his touch and watched him sigh, eyes glimmering, heart racing. He let you sit like that for probably too long, the love in your chest swelling with each second. He let you look into his galaxies, chest beating so erratically that you feared he would hear it.

Sagitta. It was right there. Five stars that made up an arrow, aimed right at you. Only you. It made your lip tremble. Tear filled eyes, pin cushion heart.

When he pulled his hand back, it was replaced with cold regret, but at least you were used to it. He cleared his throat and laid back on the bed beside you, staring up at the ceiling. As if he didn’t just rip your heart in half. You wished you could be so nonchalant with someone’s feelings.

“It’s normal to go to a party on your birthday. I think you should go. Chanyeol will be there, so you’ll have someone to talk to.”

Your lip jutted out in annoyance, dread filling your senses as your gaze dropped to the floor. You’d spent every birthday for nine years with Baekhyun, but now he wanted you to do it alone. It was frustrating, having an ever-constant that suddenly didn’t want to be that constant. He sat back up and hooked a finger under your chin, tilting your head back up to face him. His sweet smile. Sun kissed skin. Messy hair.

“Please?”

He ruined you.

Hours later, you found yourself in a too crowded house with too loud music, on edge the second you walked in the door. Your chest ached with anxiousness, nerves on fire. You wanted to break down, shrink into the size of an ant and sneak out, but you couldn’t leave, not when you had just arrived. You could only imagine Baekhyun’s disappointment if you bailed so early, so you had to try.

Chanyeol was dancing with some girl across the room, no attention paid to the birthday girl who sat unattended. Lonely. You scratched the back of your neck, annoyance dripping off you in waves. You wished Baekhyun was there.

Someone shoved a red cup into your hand and told you to drink. It looked like tea, smelled like metal. You looked up at the girl in front of you and she smiled.

“It’ll make it a little better” That look, as if she knew your thoughts better than you did. It took you twenty minutes to drink the entire thing, rusty and lukewarm, bile lurching up your throat with nearly each sip. Took you twenty more to build up the courage to ask for another.

After three cups you could smile even though you were scared. After five, you were on a table, dancing to music you didn’t know the words to, forgetting the reality of your life. It felt like no one could touch you, no one could hurt you. Your father’s sternness didn’t exist up in the clouds of that night. The cold your mother put off couldn’t touch you when you danced on the mountain tops. Baekhyun held you too tight, too long, loved you too hard there. Sometimes you still chase that feeling.

The party died down a few hours later, people pouring out the front door and finding rides home or walking. You texted Baekhyun to come pick you up and laid back in the front yard alone, though it didn’t really feel that way. The grass around you was wet, fingers winding around the blades as you stared at the sky. Shooting stars, silky clouds pressed against the backdrop of a black night. You loved it. The way it looked so close, like you could hold it. Taste it. Heaven felt like it could be real, fingertips away, and you stretched your hand out to touch it. Stars dripped down your arms, the moon painted your skin. You wanted to climb up and be with them so much, find yourself a home amongst them.

It wasn’t much later that Baekhyun laid down beside you, your head instinctively turning towards him, a magnet you could never resist.

“What kind of stars do you see tonight?”

You had no answer because the stars in the sky didn’t matter anymore. As quickly as your love built for them, it completely extinguished when he was there. Instead, it was the stars in his eyes that you wanted to discover. He turned to you after your silence stretched too long and you smiled.

“Coma Berenices. Berenice’s Hair.”

He smiled back and the butterflies that fluttered in your stomach when you were little returned in full force, for the thousandth time since you had met him. It had been years since that first day. Years since you fell in love with him. But Baekhyun was Baekhyun, a clueless boy who hauled your drunk body off the ground and into his car, ignoring the way you kissed his cheek when he lifted you into his arms. Ignoring how you made him hold your hand the entire way home and fiddled with his fingers because he had the nicest hands. Ignored the tears in your eyes when he refused to stay after he helped you into bed.

“Happy birthday.” he whispered against your cheek while you held onto his shirt, begged him to stay one more time. He smiled and pulled your hands away before climbing out of your window.

It was a never-ending cycle that you decided you were okay with because at least he was there. At least you got to see his constellations. Even though you felt cold at night without his hand in yours, without his smile. You could handle anything, as long as he never left.

Age twenty-four came to you like the encore of your favorite play, sprawled out in the grass while you looked up at the stars and wished to live among them. You couldn’t really recall those childish days anymore, the times when Baekhyun treated you gently, held your feelings with sweetness, sincerity. You just remembered the way it made you feel.

Life had changed for him. His heart changed. He grew cold, severe. Sternness sprouted in his voice when you wanted to spend time with him, shutting down your feelings without an ounce of compassion. All too harsh and direct, making his point entirely too clear. You didn’t know what inside of him snapped, but he stopped knocking on your bedroom window. He stopped sneaking in with strawberry cupcakes on your birthday. He stopped answering your calls at 2am when you were scared and couldn’t sleep. It was like the world started rotating in reverse. One day he was hugging you tight while you cried over a failed exam, and the next he was avoiding your texts. Declining your calls.

You still clung to him, refused to leave his side regardless of his feelings because you had to see him. You had to hear his laugh. How could you live without the only sun you ever loved? You met him after class, followed him down the hall and made him speak to you. Showed up at his house. Helped him study. That was as close as he let you stay anymore. Rarely did he call you first, even more rare did he come out when you asked him to, but still. It was enough. It had to be. For years you played that game. Tiptoed on his boundaries in silence, praying he would let you stay with him forever.

You sighed at the racing thoughts and closed your eyes, tried to remember the last time he let you see the galaxies inside of him. Time had been so rough with Baekhyun and it was frustrating to know that he held milky way’s so close for you to discover, but never let you glance at them anymore.

Footsteps neared your head and you looked up, eyes meeting the annoyed face you had been thinking about. He wasn’t smiling. Wasn’t happy at all. So why did he look so pretty? Why was your heart beating so fast, like it meant anything that he was there? It’s not like he came to your rescue every time you called because he liked you. He was just a good friend.

“How am I ever gonna have a chance with Yuna if you keep calling me away from every date I have with her?”

Hearing her name had your eyes rolling without thought, the whiskey that settled in your stomach churning uncomfortably. Yuna was Baekhyun’s latest muse. She helped him produce a song once and he was head over heels. Took her on dates, called her late at night. It made you sick. Like you weren’t ever there for him. Like you weren’t even an option. You could help him work on songs, help him write lyrics. You’d done it before when you were kids, before he acted like you were nothing.

He crouched down above your head and you quickly took note that Baekhyun looked so small in a beanie. As if you hadn’t noticed that before, marked in your mile-long list of things that you loved about him. His ears poked out, like the point of a hat like that wasn’t to tuck your ears in and keep them warm. His glasses perched on his nose. You smiled a little, content to see him, even if he was angry. Even if he didn’t want to be there (didn’t want you).

He rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh, moving to stand in front of you. He held his hands out and you grabbed them, letting him haul you off the ground. The world spun and his hands were on your hips for just a few seconds to steady you before he pulled them away.

Shivers ran down your spine, eyes darting to meet his. Your bones ached at the sweetness he still held in them, whether it was for you or not. Eyebrows raised in concern, your hands resting on his chest.

“Stop drinking all of the time if you can’t even get a taxi to take you home.” He grumbled, pulling your dress down and dusting grass off your back. His voice rang through your ears dripping with the honey that healed you, and every part of you felt so warm with him just inches away. Like you were coming home for the first time in years.

“Baek,” you vied for his attention, fingers gripping his shirt lightly. He looked at you with those anger filled eyes and you smiled. “like me instead.”

He looked a little confused, head tipping just a little to the left and you immediately felt the fall. The fall you had been falling since you were eight years old and found your first friend. The fall you fell when you woke up on your seventeenth birthday, not to your parents, but to the sweetest eyes of the sweetest boy on earth. The fall you would be falling forever because he was your star. Your galaxy.

Your chest felt heavy. Heart racing. Short breaths coming out like choppy waves while you stared into his eyes and swallowed down your fear.

Aquila. Ten stars that made up an eagle, the eagle that bore Zeus’ lightning bolts. It was the push of courage and strength you needed.

“Love me instead.” You continued and the glimmer in his eyes – the shooting stars you watched form behind them, it was enough to have you leaning forward and pressing your lips against his.

Whiskey. Whiskey was your favorite. You’d never felt it before, but whiskey ran through your veins like lava and pushed you up up up on your tippy toes, your chest melting into his like a puzzle piece. His eyes widened in surprise while your hands wrapped around the base of his neck. You felt your heartbeat in your ears, felt the butterflies in your throat crawling out with happiness, begging to be set free. For the first time in years, it felt possible. Like you could explode with all the excitement you had been building up over time.

His soft lips spread slightly, and the taste of cinnamon escaped. You breathed it in, let some of those butterflies sneak into the world before you pressed your lips into his again. Everything was perfect for those few seconds, your body against his, your dreams finally coming true as you could see the constellations inside of him and actually understand why they were there. It was what you always wanted.

When his hands slid up to your shoulders, you leaned into him a little more, naively thinking he was pulling you closer. As if he felt the same way you did.

He pushed you away instead.

You stumbled back; eyes wide open to see him. The smile faded from your cheeks, the hollow emptiness settling in your soul where your happiness had previously resided. His lips were a little red from your lipstick and his eyes were even more confused. Angry. His cheeks looked pale, fixing his glasses back and staring at you incredulously.

“What are you doing?” He barked out and you stared at him, not sure what to say. You were embarrassed, sure, but when he wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand, you were shattered.

The butterflies in your throat screamed in pain, dried and cracking wings, sliding back down to your stomach where they belonged.

Baekhyun sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before taking a deep breath.

You felt tears fill your eyes when his hardened gaze found you again, shame eating you alive as he stepped forward and grabbed your wrist. His touch wasn’t gentle. Wasn’t loving. It wasn’t what you wanted at all.

“You’re drunk, let’s go home.” He said turning, but you ripped away from him, devastation reaching its peak. He looked at you and you wanted to collapse. Wanted to turn into a black hole that sucked everything too close right up and destroyed it with you. Sobering tears ran down your cheeks and with each second that passed, your anger grew.

“Why don’t you love me?” You started, ignoring the growing nervousness in his face. “Yuna is pretty and nice, but why not me? I’ve taken care of you since we were kids- I’ve loved you since we were kids. Doesn’t that matter?”

He looked scared. A crack in the façade of his usual indifference, a heart-breaking apologetic look that he only allowed you a second to see before his usual mask of annoyance returned. You could have screamed. Why wasn’t he being honest with you? Why was he hiding his feelings, covering them up and putting on a show, as if you didn’t know him better than anyone?

“You sound silly right now ____, you drank too much.” He said sighing, a hand coming up to rub his cheek, as if this was the most unsettling thing to ever happen to him.

You stared at him and thought about how it would have felt if he had just kissed you back. If he had lifted you off the ground, let you into his little world, showed you his map of stars and explained every single one of their stories. It was a dream.

Resentment settled inside your bones. Frustration. Betrayal. You nodded your head and grabbed your jacket off the ground, turning to walk away.

“Wait-” He gripped your elbow and you seethed at his touch, snatching away from him unabashedly.

“It’s not silly,” you cried out, tears filling you up and pouring down the sides of your face. He stayed quiet; eyes unsure how to process your emotions any more than you could. “But don’t worry.” You wiped at your cheeks harshly, ridding yourself of the useless tears that you cried over a boy who would never reciprocate your feelings. “I won’t come between you and Yuna anymore. I won’t bother you at all. I’m sorry I bothered you so much.”

You walked away from him and he didn’t come after you. He didn’t call your name. Didn’t hold your hand the rest of the day like he did when you were eight and felt scared and alone after a bunch of girls ganged up on you. You felt so alone walking home. And you couldn’t see the stars anymore.

You didn’t really care to look up and see them ever again.

Baekhyun didn’t call at all in the following days. You’d heard from Chanyeol that he and Yuna had made it official and you cried, hot tears that stung so ugly down your cheeks. It made you feel so stupid. How could you have clung to someone who cared so little about you for so long? The thought alone was devastating, but you knew it was only a partial truth. Baekhyun was your friend. He cared about you, and you knew that, but you could only handle friendship for so long. He could not have been that blind.

You laid in bed and thought over and over where you went wrong. Sure, you kissed him. You did, but was it really such a bad thing? He had to know how you felt. You never dated other guys. Called him when you were alone or sad. Made him dinner. Watched movies with him. You only ever wanted him. Was it that big of a shock?

His mother was the one who called you later that week to let you know about his enlistment. It shook you to the core, dissolved the foundation you had built to keep yourself grounded. Keep you safe. You waited for a call and text. A fucking email.

His mother called one more time, on the day he was scheduled to leave.

‘Please come say goodbye. You know he’ll miss you.’

You laid in silence for hours, staring at the ceiling, senseless tears rolling down the sides of your face. Should you stay? Should you go? The questioning mind you hated so much would not shut off no matter how much you begged for darkness to take over, and it all led you back to one thought: What if you never got to see him again?

You sprinted from the bus stop like your life depended on it, checking the time on your phone continually, as if a bomb would go off if you were late. There were people everywhere, wishing their loved one’s farewell, ignoring the frenzy you were in as you shoved through the crowd desperately. His mother had sent you a text with a vague location, but your mind was in shambles, no coherent thoughts, just absolute panic. You had to see him. You had to say goodbye.

When you spotted him, your blood froze over. You forgot how to breathe. Everything around you went silent. Your heart no longer raced. He smiled and looked at the people around him, spoke words you couldn’t hear, but knew they were making everyone laugh. He was always making everyone laugh. You stood away and watched, unsure of how to face him. How to look into his eyes when he was mad at you, just like you were mad at him. You had never been mad at him like that.

You watched him kiss Yuna on the cheek and almost walked away but felt cemented to the ground. He hugged his mom for a long time, let her pat his back and hold him for far longer than he was used to. When he pulled back, he was nodding at her, wiping her cheeks, an ever-diligent son who loved his mom more than anything. The light in his eyes when he looked at her; it was on that same long list of things you loved him for. Butterfly wings mending, you felt them flutter again in your stomach for the first time in a week.

They all waved at him as he walked away, time catching up too quickly. He walked towards you through the crowd, leaving everyone else and it felt like a movie. The crowd closed behind him as he walked closer, life moving in double time as you contemplated how to speak, how to think. How to tell him he had to come back because your heart was his.

It was at the exact moment that your instinct to run kicked in that he stopped in front of you. Six feet away, backpack slung over his shoulder, hat fixed on his head. You couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stand the sight of his eyes, so inquisitive, so accusing. Like you didn’t belong there. You didn’t smile. Didn’t move. When he stepped forward, you let out a shuddering sigh. He shifted uncomfortably, hands in his pockets while you twisted your fingers so tight that your skin turned red. Flashbacks flew past your eyes, your hands on his neck, the taste of cinnamon.

You shook away the thoughts and took a deep breath.

“I just came to say goodbye.” You said dimly and he nodded, turning his gaze away, as if he couldn’t stand the sight of you. It broke your heart. Made you want to melt into the ground and disappear entirely. Instead, you built up every ounce of courage you had left and swallowed down the tears that begged to escape.

You blinked once. Twice. The sight of his face growing more and more blurry with the sadness you tried and failed to dry out. You cleared your throat and raised your hand into the air, gaze dropping to his shirt as you no longer had the courage to see his resentment anymore.

“Bye… Baekhyun.” You whispered, and his head turned towards you.

You looked up to meet his eyes once more and watched him soften. Watched him crumple from head to toe in the same way you did, like a curtain falling to reveal the show behind it. It took everything you had not to break. Not to collapse on the ground and beg him to run away with you, beg him to stay. His eyes searched your face for far too long before he swallowed hard, nodding a few times.

When he walked away, brushing past you without a word, your arms moved involuntarily, wrapping around his waist without fear or contempt. Your fingers gripped into his shirt too tight, clinging to him as if he would disappear if you let go. As if it were the last time you would ever see him.

He froze. Breathing uneven. Unsure. You sobbed into his shirt and he let you. He let you hold him and cry, and you were so grateful. So happy you could hold him one more time.

“Please be safe.” You whispered, voice thick with sadness.

He didn’t move. Didn’t shove you back. Didn’t force you to let go or reject your heart. Just let you hold him like that, let you sob freely despite everything that had happened.

He was your home. Your safety. Your anchor to reality. You had always felt that way, but he didn’t reciprocate those feelings anymore. Never letting you get too close, too comfortable.

After some time passed, he turned and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. You only cried harder. The smell of his cologne, the skin of his neck, the feel of his fingers pressed into your back. You took the time to memorize it all, the sinking realization that it would be the longest amount of time you would have ever spent without him hitting you like a truck.

You felt his lips press against the top of your head and gripped his shirt even tighter, too scared to accept the finality of his goodbye. But just like that, his hands were wrapping around your arms, peeling you off like Velcro. He didn’t speak. Didn’t linger. Just walked away without so much as a glance back.

You felt the tug on your heart so severely that it took your breath away, tethered to a boy who left you alone and in pieces on the sidewalk. A boy who would never want you the way you wanted him.

You squatted down on the cool pavement; palm pressed to your chest until your heart settled enough for you to take a deep breath. Then came the crash. You disintegrated in that crowd of people, muscles alone pulling you up off the ground and walking you back towards the bus stop. Empty eyes cried the entire way home, and it was instinct alone that got you there. Common sense. If it were up to your heart, you’d probably still be sitting on that sidewalk waiting for him to come back and hug you again.

Baekhyun leaving hurt bad enough. What hurt worse were the weeks that passed by without a phone call. Without a letter. Your friends talked about the letters and texts they received like it was nothing, they got one every week, some of them twice a week. It never bothered you before, having the same friends as him, but it did then. It made you realize how alone you actually were without him.

Months passed by in an instant and you woke up every day thinking that it would get easier. That you would be able to get out of bed without feeling so hollow. So empty. That the ache in your chest would have to fade eventually, but it didn’t. Instead, each day that passed widened the hole in your heart.

You were sat in a restaurant, finger sliding through the condensation on your glass of beer while your friends talked about some story Baekhyun had wrote them about that week, and it set your chest on fire. Had your heart racing with betrayal. Your annoyance reached it’s threshold and you didn’t even feel the anger-filled tears coming to try to stop them.

“Why isn’t he writing me?” You asked thoughtlessly, tears trailing down your face. You half expected them not to hear you, and if they did, you expected them to ignore you. It didn’t work out either way you had imagined. They all stopped to look at you, eyes soft and concerned, full of pity, like you were some kind of fragile doll. It made you feel sick. Sehun opened his mouth to speak and you just as quickly cut him off.

“Forget it.” You said with rough hands wiping the tears from your cheeks. You couldn’t bear hearing the cover ups. The explanations. The apologies. You couldn’t even bear their sympathetic glances. You downed the rest of your beer, threw money on the table, and walked out without another word. It was the most you could manage.

Nothing felt good anymore. Nothing made you smile at things the way he did. Nothing made you laugh like he did. Nothing filled you up at all, made you feel complete. It was more than frustrating – it was crippling. How could he consume so much of your life and expect you not to fall in love with him? How could you not love him? He was Baekhyun. His eyes held the entire galaxy. How couldn’t you fall in love?

Time was not kind, not for you. You found yourself in bars kissing other men, pretending it was him that you were pressed against. His hands on your waist, his lips on yours. You acted like you could get butterflies in your stomach for anyone other than him. On good nights, you could almost hear his soft laughter in your ear, cinnamon breath, and gentle hands. On bad nights, you tangled your hands in their hair, dug your nails into their shoulder, let them wrap their hand around your throat, bite your lip, rip your stockings.

Both ways never felt right.

He came home to visit after four months, and you tried to be surprised that he didn’t call. Feigned shock when he didn’t come to find you, locked away in your apartment with both fear and wishful thinking. In all honesty though, you expected it. You felt his goodbye the last time you saw him and knew then that he wouldn’t come to find you. He wouldn’t ever seek you out again. That fact was devastating at first.

Six months passed though, and it wasn’t as complicated. Wasn’t as damaging.

Eight months passed and you could wake up in the morning without a weight on your chest. Could go to work and come home without seeing him in every street, every building, every face that you took home at night.

Life became easier. Your friends stopped mentioning him every time you got together, stopped bringing up their phone calls and letters. You could go out for drinks and laugh and didn’t feel the need to find company in a strangers’ arms just so you could feel something. Anything.

You could laugh at their stories, eat until your belly was full, talk about work and life and music.

Life became easier.

Until it wasn’t. Until you found yourself in the middle of your favorite restaurant and Yuna walked in.

She sat herself down at the head of the table and talked with everyone like she fit there. As if she was more welcome than you were. They poured her drinks, ordered her food, made sure she felt included while simultaneously pushing you over the edge.

“Baekhyun comes home in a few months you know.” She spoke to everyone, and they all shared their understanding, listening to her with purpose. “Don’t tell him I said anything, but…” You felt Sehun’s eyes combing your face and you downed another shot, eyes fixed on the table.

“I think he’s going to propose.”

You slammed your glass back down and everyone looked towards you for a moment. You didn’t return the glances. Didn’t care to excuse your outburst at all really. It was amazing, how easy that pain settled back in after nearly a year of avoidance. How it crept into the vessels of your heart and calcified your blood into shards of glass that ripped you from the inside out.

They all turned back to her, wishing her well and sharing their excitement for them. You only felt slightly betrayed, emptier than you previously thought possible as the remaining bit of hope you had unknowingly latched onto bled out while you downed one more shot.

You got up without a word, put your money on the table, and ignored their stares as you walked out. Walking home you felt the cold air seeping into your bones and wanted to feel nothing. You wanted your heart to stop beating for someone who would never love you, wanted it to stop beating entirely if you had no other choice. You stopped in another bar and it was only so long before your head felt fuzzy. Before you had your hands on someone’s shoulders, your back pressed up against a wall while their lips moved from your cheek to your neck, to your collar bone.

“Come home with me.” He said, voice rough and deep.

Normally you said no, pushing them away and going home alone, dreaming of the person your heart really wanted.

But he had eyes like Baekhyun’s. He smelled like cinnamon and you weren’t ready to leave him yet.

It was all too fast and too rough, him pressing you into his paper-thin mattress, pulling your hair, biting your lip. It wasn’t the gentle caresses or the soft kisses that Yuna probably got, and that thought alone had you asking for more. And he gave it to you. Hand gripping your cheeks, harsh words whispered into your ear. It was so different from what your heart wanted. So different from what you always dreamed about.

He finished after too long and you immediately got dressed, walking out the door without a word. He didn’t even try to stop you.

The following months passed by in a blur. You avoided everyone, spending more time at work and less time thinking, rejecting every phone call, every text. It was better that way. You weren’t someone who people could understand easily. Even the person who was closest to you on earth left you alone, so why would you keep anyone else around? You didn’t need any more loss. Didn’t need any more devastation.

When the empty feeling settled in your chest, you decided you preferred that over pain and loneliness. It was easier to feel nothing at all. On the weekends you drank until you forgot. Drank until Baekhyun’s face wasn’t the only thing you saw when you made out with someone. Until you didn’t smell cinnamon on their lips. Pretended that the stars at night didn’t remind you that once upon a time, you saw constellations in his eyes.

You drank until you half dragged yourself home, stumbling every 10 feet, laughing out loud like you had something to laugh at, when really the only thing listening was the wind brushing past you. It comforted you to know that even if were alone, the wind still caressed your cheeks, told you that it would be okay, even if it really wouldn’t.

You were almost to your apartment when you walked into some restaurant to eat before you slept, tired of the constant hangovers at work as much as your coworkers probably were. The bell above your head rang and you smiled at the sound, eyes half shut as you looked around for a table to sit at.

“____?”

You straightened up at the sound of your name, vision adjusting to the room. Chanyeol. Sehun. The rest of your friends that you had been avoiding for months. They all stared at you like you were some ticking time bomb and you instantly frowned.

Of course, you would pick this restaurant. All you had done for months was dodge their calls, their texts, and there they all were, staring at you with sad eyes that made you want to crack. You could’ve stopped at the one on the corner, or the one that was right beside the bar you were at, but no. You chose that restaurant, of all places.

Everyone’s eyes were fixed on you and you ran a hand through your tousled hair, smoothing out your clothes and smiling a little. No one spoke. No one smiled back. You noticed Yuna at the end of the table and chuckled a little at the thought that maybe they replaced you with her.

The empty seat to her right didn’t register until Baekhyun walked out of the bathroom. He was wearing the hat you got him for his birthday two years before.

He was smiling for a second until he saw you, and it quickly disappeared.

‘How did we get here?’

“____?”

He said your name and you ran. Gone was that empty feeling you were so happy to have. The hurt that surged through your chest was enough to take your breath away. You rubbed at your eyes with dry hands and tried to keep it together. Tried to hold back the sobs that fought their way out of your throat. Tried to claw your way back to that empty feeling you worked so hard for.

“____, wait!”

You ran, begging God to swallow you into the earth, hide you away from the misery that was awaiting. Instead, you tripped on the sidewalk and fell, feeling as pathetic as you probably looked.

He was at your side in seconds.

“Are you okay?” He asked and you slapped his hand away when he offered it for help.

You attempted to pull yourself back up but stumbled again. That time, his hands wrapped around your waist, keeping you upright and pressed against him. The warmth of his sweater, the smell of his cologne. It was all too much.

You shoved him away and stumbled back down the sidewalk towards your apartment. When he started to walk beside you, you stopped and looked at him.

“Leave me alone.” You said and he stared at you for too long. The hurt expression he wore was surely a figment of your imagination, and you laughed at the thought that he might have been hurt by you. As you walked away, you shoved him to the side again, praying he would get the hint and leave you alone.

You could feel him trailing behind you in silence. Could feel his gaze fixed on the back of your head and goosebumps broke out up and down your arms. You hated everything about it. Hated that he could make you feel that way after so long, when you had convinced yourself that you hated him; convinced yourself that you didn’t belong to anyone but you.

You walked up the two flights of stairs in your building and bit your lip, begging him in silence to leave. To go and never come see you again. It was what you wanted, what you needed, but those butterflies you thought you had buried so long before were wiggling out of their graves and swimming up your throat for air. You were miserable.

“____,” His voice saying your name, the voice you had missed so much, it had your head whipping towards him with such severity, you would have thought he would be scared. Instead he looked calm. Worried. You missed his eyes so much. His voice. “Let me inside, you’re bleeding.”

He pointed to your knee and you didn’t bother looking, the sting of an open wound apparent. Instead you stared at him. He was thinner since you last saw him, hair growing longer since he had cut it, tucked under his hat. Sunshine skin, starry eyes. Tall and handsome. Baekhyun.

“Open the door.” He said and you did. Why did you? Why did you not feel angry anymore? Resentment replaced with longing as you pressed the buttons on the keypad. You felt the loneliness seeping through your pores as you kicked off your shoes and tried to hold onto the tiny shreds of strength you had left, but it was hard. Your heart ached for him, and he was right there. And you just wanted him to touch you.

He walked straight to your kitchen and pulled out your first aid kit, somehow unsurprised that he remembered where it was. He fit so perfectly there, like the only place he should have ever been was in your kitchen cleaning you up and making you better. With his back turned to you, he called your name again, going through all the supplies inside of the box. You walked up beside him and watched him pull out gauze, alcohol, a bandage.

It was too quick, him turning and wrapping his arms around your waist, catching you off guard as he picked you up and placed you on the counter in front of him. You gasped at his touch, chest against chest, but it was gone just as quick.

He immediately started his work on cleaning the wound on your knee and the look of concentration on his face made your heart constrict. Tears filled your eyes and you wanted so badly to make him leave. Overwhelming thoughts about how this would end with you crying and him leaving filled you up and the emptiness that hollowed out your bones at just the idea of it made you shiver.

“I heard you’re going to propose.” You said mindlessly and he paused, not looking at you. “To Yuna.” You continued, lip quivering at the sound of her name falling from your own lips. “You’re going to propose to Yuna?”

The last part sounded like an accusation and he didn’t ever look up at you, eyes fixed on your knee, as if all of the words he was supposed to say were written on a script with the blood that dripped out.

It wasn’t fair. He would leave there without you, but your heart would still go with him. After all that time, you felt just as small as you did the day you kissed him. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m happy.” You said, a lie falling from your lips like the tears that fell down your cheeks. He looked up and you wiped them away, missing the deep frown that formed on his features as you sniffled like a child, crying over something that would never be yours.

“Are you?” He asked. You couldn’t reply, eyes blurry with sadness, choked with the lump in your throat. He pressed a band-aid onto your knee and stood up, eyes fixed back onto yours. It was too quiet. Too real.

You looked at him for a long time. Memorized the things you hadn’t seen in so long. His puffy cheeks. The freckle under his eye. The way his eyebrow twitched sometimes when he was upset, nose scrunching slightly before he fixed his expression to what he wanted you to see, pulling back that same curtain he’d been keeping up in front of you since high school. It left you in pieces.

Your eyebrows scrunched together as you looked at him and you wanted to wrap yourself around him and never let go. But you didn’t. You stared at him on that kitchen counter and cried out the words your heart forced you to say.

“I’m happy if you’re happy.” You said, a partial truth. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and he didn’t say anything, just watched you cry in silence. When he reached his hand up, fingers brushing across your cheek and resting on your neck while his thumb brushed the tears away, you let out another sob and restrained yourself from clinging to him. Begging him to stay. You leaned into his touch and for a second, he looked almost as devastated as you.

“I just want you to be happy.” You said softly.

He was quiet like that for a few minutes, hand lingering on your cheek before pulling it away.

The room felt twenty degrees cooler without his skin pressed to yours and that only made you cry harder.

“I’m sorry.” He said too gently. Too sincerely.

And then he was gone.

You sobbed into your hands for a long time before you calmed down enough to hop off the counter. You walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower, peeling your clothes off in your too silent apartment that felt too empty. You sat on the shower floor, hot water slapping you, and promised not to let him in again. Promised that this only happened because you were drunk - everything bad happens when you’re drunk. The alcohol made you lonely, you were truly just fine. Being alone was something you were growing accustomed to, something you had accustomed to. You promised to not let him touch you ever again. It was annoying the way that idea stung in your chest, but eventually the sting faded, and everything went dark, hot water turning to cold.

Feeling nothing was feeling safe (and you felt so safe).

click here for part II

A/N I am giving myself PTSD with posting a 2 part fic, but guess what y’all - I ALREADY HAVE PART 2 FINISHED (someone clap for me, it’s seriously an accomplishment ok). I was going to post this as one big fic, but it just seemed a lot simpler to read it in 2 parts bc it is nearly 20,000 words. Which is def a big one lolol. I hope you guys LOVE and I will be posting part 2 in a day or 2 after seeing how this one sits with ppl (i’ll be posting part 2 regardless, I just don’t want to upload at the same time). Love you all so much, this is something I have been working on for a YEAR and i needed it out of my system. Baekhyun is my ult and writing angst for him was a challenge, bc he is literally like my actual sunshine on a rainy day. I hope you guys love this as much as I do <3<3<3 Please reblog, like, send me a message!! I love hearing from you all!! I’m going to try to go through my requests today and get some finished, we shall see! Have the best day!!

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