It's all fun and games until it isn't

if we had 5 more minutes — f. w.

Summary: You thought you could save Fred from the rumbles of falling stones; you did your best, only to be in the rumbles with him instead.

Words: 2,160 words

Warnings ⚠ : ANGST, TW: Death, TW: Battle of Hogwarts, TW: war, TW: injuries, Fred died, you died, big Pain™, I strongly suggest tissues and a dozen of comfort chocolates, I cried so you will too, Basically An Emotional Rollercoaster, Read At Your Own Risk

Disclaimer: inspired by Billie Eilish's cover of The End of The World, so... ya'll know this is going to be a painful ride. Buckle up your seatbelts and enjoy. Reblogs and Comments are Highly Appreciated! <3 p/s: reading this with the song at the background really helps with the tear pouring effect ;)

Disclaimer 2.0: i know what yall are thinking... what tf is syaf doing, posting a fic when she’s in a hiatus she just posted yesterday? Also where is mad hatter chap 5 and epilogue? well, my brain likes to conjure up ideas at very inappropriate times (like rn) so bare with me and uh i’ve been really physically and mentally exhausted from work (retail is bathshit crazy) to write the mad hatter series so idk when will i update the two chapters but i’m working on it! thank you for being patient, and im sorry for causing you guys to wait for so long, ilysm don’t kill me <3 

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The end of the world.

The Battle of Hogwarts looked like the end of the world. Curses and spells thrown left to right, different kinds of bodies found at each corner and crook, walls here and there crumbling as down as hope for freedom. And blood.

At that point of time, the pools of blood on the floor look the same; pureblood or not. Because they bleed the same anguish red.

You didn't need to see the apocalypse of the world anymore. Screw the end of Mother Earth; this battle in front of your eyes was more than enough — sadly — to be your end of the world.

“Hey,” You called, causing Fred to turn his head around to your direction, his lips etched up a smile before replying with another hey. You sat next to him, the place where George had sat before he got up and left to speak with Professor Lupin.

Evil is winning, and good is losing. But then again, what difference would it make; if good kills as many as evil? At the end of the world, there is no good and evil alone. There are desperation, madness, and hunger for power, lust for victory brought along with them.

So, at the end of the world, you chose to be side by side with your lover, Fred Weasley. The red-headed dork you’ve taught yourself to pour your love into had become the very source of your life. He is your elixir, he is your soul, heart, and happiness.

It was silent for a while, none of you had anything to say. Yet the silence was comforting, with only the presence of each other as calming as it is. “Y/N,” Fred suddenly turned his head to you, biting his lower lip in contemplation. “Hm?” “Can you just stay at the Burrow?” 

You blinked, “What?” Fred sighed, “Can you just stay at the Burrow right now and not join the war? I- I don’t want you to join in-” “Fred-” “I-It’s dangerous and it’s literally a war a-and I don’t want you to get hurt I would- I would rather die than have you hurt-” 

“Fred!” You raised your voice, your hand clasping onto his securely, an effort to calm his frenzied thoughts. He stopped rambling and stared at you with those doe eyes you adored so much, “You know I can’t do that.”

“We need everyone on board for this war. I am no exception- bloody hell, even your parents are joining in, Freddie!” You tried to explain slowly, and Fred closed his eyes in denial of defeat. 

“I love you,” he suddenly blurted out. He noticed the slight fluster you had, your eyebrows were raised for a millisecond before they furrowed upon a realization, “Wait, why are you saying this now? I-“ “I love you, Y/N,” he repeated himself and you shook your head, realizing what he was doing, “Wait, hold on a minute, no-“

He was saying it in case anything happens.

“Y/N, I love you-” “Don’t you dare say it one more time like you’re not gonna make it, Fred Weasley, I swear to Merlin,” You cut him off, your jaw clenching at his absurdness. “… Aren’t you gonna say it back?” Fred asked, his voice was small.

“I-” You sighed, “No, I won’t because I don’t want to say it right now, given the circumstances,” You paused, your voice quieting down, “It felt like a goodbye when you say it like that.” “Then when will you say it? We’ve been dating for almost a year and you'd never say it before,” He said.

“Really? This is the time to argue about this?” You gave him a pointed look, but your expression softened as you understood the meaning behind his actions. “Look, Freddie, I- You know how I feel about us,” You sighed, looking down at your hands on your lap, “You know I’m not that expressive with my words but- but I’m trying and- okay, let’s make a deal,” Fred’s ears perked up the mention of a deal. "I'm listening," he drawled.

“I’ll say the words when the war is over,” Fred gave you a sour look that clearly said ‘really?’ and it caused you to huff a smile, “Once everything is over, and everything is okay again, I’ll say them as many times as you want me to, okay?” Fred leaned into your touch as you cupped his cheek with your hand, kissing his forehead.

“Even if I made you say it a thousand times?” He asked and you chuckled, your heart warming at his childlike question, “I’ll say it for an hour if you asked me to.”

It happened so fast.

One second you were fighting off the Death Eaters with Percy and Fred, and then the other, you find your body aching at the major pressure from the rocks and debris that used to be Hogwarts’ protective wall from the outside world.

It was dark, and it was dusty, but you were too unconscious to notice. That was until you felt your cheek being patted a few times. As you gained consciousness with a cough or two, you also gained the pending pain spreading all across your whole body. You couldn’t feel your legs, or safe to say your whole lower body part. 

Memories of you a few moments ago trying to push Fred away from the rumbles but ended up facing the falling stones head-on with him instead began to flow back into your mind. How foolish could you be to act like a hero, as if you could sacrifice yourself for him to live.

“… Y-Y/N…”

You turned your head with a silent grunt, and your eyes fixate at the body beside you, a few feet away, Fred. 

He had blood leaking from his nose and ears, probably from the impact, and his face was dusty with debris from the stones. As he looked at you, he threw you a smile; a weak, hiding the fact that he’s in immense pain kind of smile.

“F-fancy seeing you here,” he grunted with a wince, a smile nevertheless rested on his lips. “Fred…” you could only mutter his name, closing your eyes for a brief second at the growing pain on your thighs. The pressure from the rumbles had slowly increased, and you felt yourself losing consciousness again. Only to be brought back to open your eyes as Fred poked your cheeks a few more times, “Hey, hey, s-stay with me, love.”

“We’ll… We’ll be okay.”

You winced at the trickling sensation on your skin as you tried to move your fingers towards him, “It’s… It’s impossible, Fred…” You voiced out, your voice cracking up. You saw Fred’s lips quivered before he threw you another comforting smile, “Don’t… Don’t say that. We’ll make it… I-I know we will.”

“We… We will?”

Groaning from the injuries on his body as he tried to move closer to you, he nodded, “We will.”

You felt his fingers trying to reach for yours, and you handed him assistance as you hooked your fingers with his. His hand was cold, trembling. But it was Fred’s. And Fred’s hand is always warm.

“It’s… It’s so heavy,” You whimpered in pain, looking at Fred for comfort. All Fred wished to do at the moment was to be strong enough. Strong enough to push off these rumbles pressing onto his body. Strong enough to pull you out from the pain. All he wished for was for you to not be in pain anymore. But he knew he couldn’t do anything. The rumbles were too big, too heavy, and it would take a while for anyone to find them at the bottom of everything. 

Fred breathed out heavily through his mouth, slowly finding it difficult to breathe through his nose anymore, trying his best to look strong for you, “Stay with me, love. S-stay with me. Five more minutes. F-five more minutes and they’ll- they’ll save us…”

“Fred…”

“Five more minutes, I promise…”

You saw the desperation in his eyes, trying his best to somehow keep you afloat until you two are saved. You heard muffles from the other side, Percy screaming for Fred and you. His screams were sad and painful to hear; you would’ve cried for him if it wasn’t for the constant high-pitched ringing in your ears.

“Fred, h-hold my hand. P-please,” You whispered, finding no more strength to say anything louder than a whisper. He instantly intertwined your fingers with his, stretching as far as he could to reach you; no matter how screeching the pain in his lower body was.

“Fred,” You called him again. He chuckled a bit, “You’re… you’re saying my name a lot of times right now, darling.” You huffed a smile, the corner of your lips twitched, “… I want to ask you something.”

“… Anything.”

Your eyes met his, even in the darkness, his eyes still managed to look so beautiful. So earthly beautiful. “… Are you happy, Freddie?”

There was something about the way you say it, Fred couldn’t get a touch of what it was but… it felt like a goodbye. As much as Fred hated to admit, he wasn’t holding on much longer either. He was bleeding heavily from everywhere, his wand was out of his reach, and his body was starting to numb. His vision began to blur by itself, hence he blinked his eyes repeatedly. Trying his best to see your features clearly, one last time, if the worst happens.

This is it, he thought. This is the end of my line. 

Finding an urge to cry, but didn’t have enough strength to sob, Fred let out a tear or two onto the dusty surface he laid his head on, his eyes closing after the content stare of your beautiful— though bloody and dusty— face. How ironic, he’s slipping away first even though he was the one who said five more minutes.

If only you had five more minutes.

“W-with… With you? Heh, always… “ The whisper coming out from his mouth caused you to narrow your eyes at him. It felt strange, it felt wrong. Was he saying goodbye? Watching Fred close his eyes was alarming, so you gained all your strength to pat his hand a few times, “H-hey, Freddie… Five more minutes. Hang… Hang on for five more minutes, please.”

You squeezed his hand, and he naturally squeezed back, only this time it was weaker than usual. His grip on your hand started to soften, but you tightened yours desperately. The pain all over your body was partially forgotten, your only focus was on keeping Fred breathing and alive, as well as yourself. 

“I’m… I’m trying, my love… but I’m sleepy… and tired…” he mumbled, his words became slurred by time. He was on the edge, you realized that. Upon the sad realization, you bit your tongue, trying your best to prepare for the worst. “L-look at me, darling,” Your voice quivered, feeling the sandy surface on your temple as you tried to force your eyes open, to properly look at him, “Look at me.”

You knew it. He was slipping away from your fingers, and you were slipping too. It didn’t matter anymore even if Percy bulldozed his way to you now, it was too late. Simply too late. And that’s none of his faults. It’s none of his and none of yours.

Some things are just meant to be.

You took your other hand and placed it onto his cold, dirty cheek. Caressing his cheekbone gently, you gave him a comforting smile, “Fred.”

He looked at you, a faint smile on his lips. He’s at the end, you acknowledged. You widen your smile to assure him, although the tears escaping your eyes say otherwise, “… You make me happy. You make me so so happy. And I… I love you.”

“I love you, Freddie.”

With a big smile, Fred widened his eyes weakly, letting out a sigh of content as he looked at you with gentle eyes,“… Now that wasn’t so hard, now was it?“

Gentle eyes that soon hollowed empty.

“Yeah,” the dam of your tears broke down, “Took me a long time...” You squeezed his now lifeless hand, trying to find comfort and warmth from him for the last time. You smiled at Fred, whilst tears rolling down your temple slowly as if mourning the passing of your lover for you. You inched closer to him, careful not to graze your injuries, and met your nose with his.

You caressed his cheek, finally feeling yourself lose consciousness. This is it, you thought, I won’t wake up ever again. “You said we’ll be okay,” You whispered weakly, huffing a content smile on your lips. Staring into his eyes that had held so much love and pure unadulterated affection for you all these years, now empty with no trace of life, had sent you into pain more powerful than the injuries present on and in your body.

“I guess we will be, after this.”

“… You spent your last five minutes with me, huh?” You felt yourself going in and out of consciousness, and your vision blurring continuously, “Aren’t you a sappy git,” the mere whisper escaped your mouth with a sigh. The warm smile never left your lips, and the only thing in your mind was how peaceful he looked as of that moment, and you wondered if you’ll ever be in that state of peace, with him.  

“No- no- no!” someone was shouting. “No! Fred! no!” And Percy was shaking his brother, and Ron was kneeling beside them with his hand on Y/N’s head, and the pair of lovers stared at each other without seeing, the ghost of their last smile still etched upon their faces.

On our last few drags of air, we agree

I was, and you were

Happy

TAGLIST:

@multifandom-but​ @sirenswhispers​ @lilac-skies-xd​ @obsessedunicorn24​ @foggyturtleknightangel​​ @evewithluv​ @softlyqoos​ @fandoms-pizza-wifi-ym13​ @lilypad-55449​ @fiantomartell​ @hopemalfoyweasley​ @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​ @bucketandpotato​ @klausdatprettyboi​ @adoregin​ @littlechillies​ @phuvioqhile​ @sweetnspicysimp​ @wand3ringr0s3​ @harrypotter289​ @emptyporsche​ @tallyovie​  @potters-heart​ @amourtentiaa​ @lunalovecroft​ @loveboyhalo @lupinsclassroom​ @breadqueen95 @iwritesiriusly @rcwenaclaw​ @sevsbitxh​ @freds-slut​ @acosmis-t​ @colorfulprofessornickelangel​ @vote4weasleys​ @anchoeritic​​ @alluringshawn​ @cute-sidney​ @anna-banana-13​ @lostaurorax​ @emrysts​ @rosietoesy @lilgeorgie78 @prismarts @an2402lths

I think I’m in love | knj.

Summary: Your new internship sucked ass. It was fun, but exhausting at the same time. It also didn’t help that uni was also stressing you out. Amidst all this pressure and stress, perhaps a midnight walk on the Han River with your crush Kim Namjoon is what you needed all along. A/N: so I saw this namjoon picture circulating around stan twitter and my 3am sleep deprived ass decided to write a Drabble. 1 hour and 2k words later, here we are.

Words: 2k (maybe more idk I didn’t count)

Warnings: grammar issues, 4am writing

Song rec: I think I’m in love (kat dahlia)

———————————————————————————

“You’ve never been to the Han River at night?” Screams of outrage filled the silent room as you shook your head.

“I’ve never had the need to,” You frowned, feeling a little lost. “Plus it’s not like my parents would have let me.”

“Have you ever heard of something called sneaking out?” Jimin continued berating you and you couldn’t help but feel a little upset.

“Look, I know it may seem like Jimin-hyung is overreacting, but he’s not.” Jungkook clarified and made you feel even worse. “Han River is amazing at night.” The 3 boys nodded as if it were a common fact.

“You guys aren’t making this any better, y’know.” You frowned yet again.

They continued describing how mesmerising the river looked at night and you could do nothing but frown and continue doing your work.

Unbeknownst to you, Kim Namjoon kept sneaking glances at you from where he was seated. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle and that got on Yoongi’s nerves.

“Just ask them out, for fucks sake.” Yoongi massaged his eyes as Seokjin and Hoseok tried not to laugh.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon pretended to not know what Yoongi’s words meant and noted down a few more points for his assignment.

“Please tell me Namjoon did not just ask that,” Yoongi took a deep breath before proceeding, “Look, we all know that you have the most obvious crush on (Y/N) so just go and confess ok?”

It was true. Ever since you’d moved into the flat right opposite to his, Namjoon’s been talking about you non-stop.

But he continued to pretend like he didn’t hear Yoongi.

Seokjin and Hoseok, who were tired of their constant bickering and Namjoon’s denial, decided to take matters into their own hands.

“Yoongi’s right Joon,” Seokjin shared a mischievous glance with Hoseok before continuing, “If you don’t do anything, we will.” He declared, standing up and making his way to where you were sitting with Hoseok following in suit.

Namjoon started panicking even more when Yoongi decided to join Jin and Hobi as well, because he knew; oh he knew that they would not hold back. So he quickly ran after them and tried to convince them to back out.

“Guys, come on!” He begged, “I promise I will ask them out one day, but please please don’t do anything now,” It was too late now. Taehyung had spotted the lot of them walking up to your table.

“(Y/N), look!” You winced as Jungkook elbowed you harshly.

“What, dumbass--”  Kim Namjoon was standing in front of you.

For a moment, you felt your entire surroundings become a blur and you could only see Kim Namjoon in all his 6ft glory. And as soon as it came, it was gone because you had to remind yourself that people were watching.

“Jin-hyung! What’s up?” Jungkook hits the other man’s arm in greeting.

“Stop hitting me, punk,” They started doing their own thing again, forcing Hoseok to take over.

“We heard you guys talk something about rivers and we were bored so we decided to join lmao,” Hoseok dragged one of the chairs from a nearby table and slumped.

“Damn, I didn’t realise we were that loud,” Tae rubbed his neck sheepishly.

“It was necessary though! I mean it's not everyday we come to know that our best friend never visited the Han River at night,” All eyes were on you after Jimin’s statement.

“Wait (Y/N) really?” You nodded reluctantly. “I lived pretty far away plus I had strict parents so…” You hoped they would drop the topic here, and were extremely thankful when they did.

“Well, I'm sure you’ll have plenty more opportunities to visit. So don’t worry!” Seokjin cheered you up a little.

Your phone started ringing from nowhere and apparently your boss wanted you to collect some files to write a report on from the main office so you quickly informed your friends and bade them farewell.

Collecting the files wasn't the hard part. The hard part was walking home with no one except your thoughts to keep you company. You thought about what your friends said about the Han river and decided to make a trip if you were done with your work.

It sucked to admit it, but they were probably right. The Han River must be really mesmerising for them to talk about it so much and you found yourself suddenly envious of the rest of them.

Night strolls weren’t an option in your old neighbourhood; and though the new one wasn’t bad, you were busy with both uni and your internship. I mean being able to read your fanfics itself was a luxury and these hoes expected you to take a leisure stroll? Keep dreaming luv <3

You said all that to say, but you were still thinking about going there tonight. It seemed like immense fun and plus, it would be your first midnight stroll. You just hoped, with all your might, that you would be able to finish the work as soon as possible.

Lo and behold! 3 cups of coffee later, you were done!

To celebrate, you blasted some music on the speakers and danced along to the lyrics, bopping your head along to the beats.

Namjoon looked at your dancing form through his window. You seemed like you were having a lot of fun, he concluded, an amused  grin now apparent on his face. Judging by the way you seemed to have fun, Namjoon concluded that you must've been done with the work you mentioned you had.

Namjoon did not know the practicality of this, but he had a very random idea to take you on a riverside date. And you know what? He was going to do it. Fuck Yoongi, he’s going to prove it to the rest of them that he, indeed, could ask you out.

And so he took out a random book and wrote a message on it, Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me style.

He did not know where this sudden confidence came from, but he took a small pebble from his rock collection and chucked it across to make sure it hit your window (yes, he was careful not to break it) and waited for your response.

You, on the other hand, were confused. Your mini-dance session was interrupted by a clink! Against your window and you went to check for the source of the sound; only to be met with Kim Namjoon’s waving form.

You panicked internally, not knowing what to do in front of the man you obviously had a thing for. And you were even more confused when he held up a paper with something on it.

“Do you want to go on a riverside walk with me?” It read.

Apparently, you could not form words so that’s fun =D. Instead, you chose to stand there like 🧍🏽and just nod in response. Namjoon gave you a beautiful dimpled smile with a thumbs up before closing the curtains to his window and switching his lights off.

It was only now that you were hit with the epiphany that you were going on what was essentially a midnight date with the Kim Namjoon and boy, oh boy, you were most certainly NOT prepared for it.

Rushing to your closet, you threw on your most comfortable pair of outerwear (and of course made sure you looked presentable) before chewing like 5 breath mints and grabbing your scarf (and your apartment keys) to go and meet Namjoon.

“Hey,” He smiled.

“Hey,” You replied, still breathless.

“Ready to go?” Namjoon asked and you nodded in response. You noticed that he hid something in his bag but made no comment and instead fell into a steady pace beside him.

The walk to the river was not awkward at all, thanks to Namjoon’s ability to radiate comfort. Which was a blessing cause otherwise you would definitely have embarrassed yourself by now.

You didn't even realise that you’d reached your destination until you noticed the numerous cars and lights.

“Woah.” You had no words for the sight in front of you.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?” Namjoon chuckled and sighed, “I love coming here. It never gets old.” He stares off into the distance.

You get it now. The way the bridge lit up, the view, the vibe, everything. It was enthralling. And the fact that it was Namjoon who was with you made this 1000 times better.

You were so absorbed with admiring the view in front of you that your dumbass didn't notice Namjoon staring at you. There was just something so absolutely adorable and endearing in the way your eyes lit up and seemed to sparkle at the sight in front of the both of you.

“Namjoon, look!” You grab the sleeve of his hoodie, “Purple lights!” He quickly snaps a picture of not only the scenery in front of him, but also you. You who were so excited to see this view at midnight for the first time.

You spent a bit more time admiring the view, goofing off, and taking pictures before finally deciding that it was time for the both of you to head back. As upset as you were, you took comfort in knowing that you could visit this place more often hereon.

The conversation on the walk back home was one that you would never forget.

“No way… Here I was thinking that alpha and beta were just limited to greek alphabet and math,” The look of horror on Namjoon’s face when you explained omegaverse was something that you desperately wanted a picture of, and regretted not taking one.

“It’s a thing that definitely exists, and though I may not be a fan of it; I think a lot of people are into that kind of thing.”

“Interesting,” He comments, pausing. “Say, would the title ‘My Alpha mate’ qualify as omegaverse?” His sudden question caught you off guard.

“I think so… Why do you ask?”

“I think… I think Yoongi-hyung is into omegaverse.” Even though you did not mean to, you burst out in laughter. Yoongi being into reading stories centering around dom alpha mating rituals was something you never needed to know but were glad you did.

You continued explaining the various fanfiction tropes to the other male, especially your favourite ones.

“Oh, I once remember reading this amazing Zuko, Sokka and Suki fic somewhere and I genuinely think that it should be nominated for the Nobel prize,” Namjoon looked at you affectionately while you rambled about the plot of the story.

“And at the end--” You paused, looking behind you and caught Namjoon standing with a camera in his hands.

“Sorry, you just looked so beautiful, I had to take a picture.” You were sure you looked like the capillaries in your face burst.

There were a lot of things Namjoon was proud about, and making you blush that hard was definitely on his top 5.

“L-let’s go, dork.” You try your best to brush it off but KIM NAMJOON JUST COMPLIMENTED YOU STFU OK YOU WERE ALLOWED TO CRY.

Anyways, y’all reached your apartment complex sooner than the both of you wanted, and honestly? Neither of you wanted the other to go.

“So,” “Actually--” You both begin at the same time. Flustered, you gestured to Namjoon to go ahead with what he wanted to say and assured him that what you wanted to say wasn’t of any major importance.

“I actually bought something for you,” He took a small bag out of his backpack and handed it to you. “It’s a collection of poems and short stories that i wrote for-for you,” He flushed and avoided making eye-contact with you.

“Namjoon, I--”

“You don’t need to read it, but I just wanted to give them to you because… because I really like you.” It was your turn to blush (again).

“Of course I will read it, you idiot. I’m literally in love with you, what makes you think I won't?” Namjoon widened his eyes and proceeded to smile bashfully, pulling you into a tight hug.

“You have no idea how happy I am right now,” He admits, swaying you around in his arms. You nuzzle deeper into his warm embrace and whisper--

“Thank you for everything, Joonie.”

Am I allowed to place in a request for Mr svelte tracker boi Demetri? I need my greek boi fix. 😅😂 My stimming (due to my slight autism and anxiety) has been kinda bad lately and I was wondering if you could do some headcanons on how he would be with a reader who has that going on? (For example, some of my stimming signs are restless, uncontrollable finger twitches sometimes, and sudden limb movements and facial twitches I can't control 😅) Thanks! Also, sorry if this is too touchy a subject!🙈

You most certainly are allowed and I cannot express how hard I fangirled when I realised it was you in my ask box. I played it very cool but just know I was dying inside from the moment I saw your username come up XD 

TW: Mentions of anxiety and sensory overload. If that’s a little personal to you please be cautious about reading this one!

I’m incapable of writing short things it seems so it’s another long one.

Self-stimulating behaviour, known more commonly as stimming, usually involves repetitive movements and/or sounds. Though it is most often associated with autism (I know when I first saw the word stimming that was where my mind immediately went to) everybody stims in some way, shape or form to relieve stress, tension, anxiety, boredom etc. Some ways are less noticeable than others such as nail biting or finger tapping, while others can be more obvious and disruptive to your social/daily life like licking certain objects or scratching at skin.

I learned all this from doing a bit of reading before taking on this request and if you want to know more then the link to the article I read is right -----> HERE <------ ! It’s informed my ideas for this headcanon request and though I’m open to discussions about the topic to help educate myself and anyone else who wishes to learn more, what I will not tolerate is any sort of hate or discrimination based on the links to developmental disorders and mental illness that stimming has. This blog has and always will be a safe space for anyone and everyone and a little respect for one another will help keep it that way. Be kind folks!

So without further ado, how would Demetri react to you stimming I wonder?

Part 1: Headcanons below the Keep Reading Line Part 2: Teeth (fic) Part 3: Control (fic) 

·         He honestly wouldn’t really notice for a while because, well, humans aren’t exactly designed to be as flawless as vampires

·         Impromptu nosebleeds, migraines, sneezes…they’re just glitches in a faulty system so why is the way your leg just bounced up off of the floor while your sitting any different to those other equally as involuntary things

·         He’s struggling right now to, after all he just met his very human mate and it’s quite overwhelming for him to have to adapt to all these new feelings and situations he finds himself in, but he deals because he can

·         Some days, you just…can’t

·         Getting attacked by a man with some bizarre fascination with your neck is bad enough but being whisked away by strangers is somehow even worse. At least in the first scenario once it’s over it’s over, now you’re just living an anxious person’s nightmare in a new place full of new people

·         Volterra was beautiful, but it wasn’t home. No cosy apartment, no neighbours cat to feed, no monotonous shifts at work…

·         Actually, most of the time you’re left utterly alone to navigate an unfamiliar castle, and the times you aren’t alone is when there’s a man claiming to be your eternal lover in front of you

·         Try to convince me this man doesn’t rip the band aid off and profess his love for you with dramatic flair just TRY

·         Your days are filled with endless boredom where you’re doing nothing at all until someone checks on you, and then fight or flight kicks in because oh HELLO Mr Vampire guard are you here to give me lunch or kill me?

 ·         Demetri had thought that perhaps you were okay with that, since you hadn’t really outwardly reacted beyond the way your cheek twitched up into a smirk once or twice as he spoke. Hell, you’d even winked at him…right?

·         You did that a lot so he really genuinely thought that maybe you were just trying to flirt with him, build a relationship with him. Your constant little winks and the way your fingers twitched when he was nearby, like you so desperately wanted to reach out to him…

·         It took a few weeks before he realised how wrong he was

·         You’d reached for a sip of water and your arm had just whipped outward from your body

          + You’d absolutely drenched him with your entire glass of water and could only stare in abject horror wondering what the supposed vampire would do next, since you’d interrupted him rather smugly detailing his plans for your first date

·         Silence

·         There was just silence

·         It only made your anxiety worse and the muscles in your face just spasmed without your permission and - god did you just smirk at him again, oh no        

         + “I’m glad one of us finds this amusing. If you did not like the idea there were other ways to tell me so.”

 ·         You almost want to cry from sheer embarrassment at this point because the date really had sounded like it could be fun and now you’d just straight up thrown water in his face like he’d insulted you in the worst way imaginable

·         So you come clean and tell him about your stimming

·         He’s really worried at first because autism? Anxiety he’s heard of but autism sounds very dangerous, are you dying? You’re probably dying. He’s going to lose his mate –

·         Another involuntary finger twitch from you forces him to calm down because your anxious enough without his worrying on top, so he kind of brushes it off and makes no big deal out of it

·         Squeezes your hand and kisses your forehead to try and reassure you all is forgiven, even if he does have to go change a very expensive looking designer shirt and god you’re so sorry

·         Of course, that kind of makes it worse for you because anxiety brain is activated and your 99.9999% sure he’s actually furious with you still and has only pretended to forget it while he’s plotting his revenge

·         You see him late at night when you struggle to fall and stay asleep, reading in the low lamplight at his desk across the room, his laptop propped open and a notebook before him but you’re too scared still to ask what it is he’s reading so intently (probably good suggestions on places to bury your body welp)

·         It’s a complete surprise to you therefore when he does take you out on that date he promised you not two weeks later

 ·         He’s chosen a nice overcast day so he’s in the least conspicuous clothing he owns

            + Demetri’s least conspicuous clothes still consist of the most chic and expensive brands you know of and he sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the quaint little market stalls he’s brought you to see

·         Despite the gloomy weather the people of Volterra are out in full force though, swarming the market stalls and chattering and laughing as flashes of gold and silver from jewelry hit your eyes, bright coloured fabrics following

·         It’s all just too much

·         There’s people everywhere and so much noise, so many colours and lights and people brushing past you…

·         Your fingers clench tight around his, his hand immersed in a glove to keep his freezing skin from chilling you too much

·         He squeezes back lightly, eyes shifting to glance down at you with the kindest smile on his lips

         + “Keep squeezing my hand whilst we find somewhere quieter to stand.”

·         Your fingers seemed to take turns pressing into his rock solid skin, an odd sort of comfort coming from the fact you know you can press down hard and he won’t so much as register the sensation, and Demetri squeezes back, just firm enough he knows you can feel the pressure of his palm on yours

·         He takes you to a quiet little side road where the noise is much more faded and there is so much free space around you you feel like you can finally breathe again

·         He still hasn’t stopped squeezing your hand, taking turns with you as you take some steady breaths and try to focus your senses a bit, one thing you can feel, two things you can see, three you can smell...

 ·         “I hope you can forgive me, I did not expect the market to be so busy today with the weather like this.”

·         His apology takes you completely by surprise because how would he even know you struggled with crowds? You barely know each other?

·         Seeing your surprise Demetri rather sheepishly admits as to what exactly he’s been reading all those nights you’ve seen him at his desk, and you’re a little overwhelmed to realise he’s been reading about you

·         Medical journals, mummyblogs, charity websites and more, if it had any information about autism and stimming he’s browsed through it and taken copious amounts of notes, observing you religiously to see what might be relevant to you and how he can help ·         +  “I read somewhere you self-stimulate to calm yourself when you are anxious or your senses feel overwhelmed, is that what happened?”                                    “Well, yes, actually, I…I…”

            “And did it help? Taking you away from the source of stress and letting you squeeze my hand like that?”

·         It had actually, you felt much calmer and Demetri’s obvious acceptance and willingness to help you manage your stimming and anxiety today were one of the first little moments you fell in love with him, looking back on it 

·         He didn’t stop there either. Together you sat down and made a list of all the things that you found most often triggered your stimming, and all of the things that brought you joy so he could figure out things to avoid and things you might like for your future dates

·         Within hours of arriving home you’d gotten a whole new daily routine set up so you weren’t left to languish and wonder what was going to happen next

·         Three days later an express shipment of your favourite smelling scented candles arrived alongside a Bluetooth speaker, supplies Demetri insisted were necessary for nice calming baths on the days your anxiety was playing up

·         He started doing mindfulness practices with you in the evenings

·         He never touched the volume controls for his laptop, speaker or TV, leaving it to you to control the volume so you could set it to a level you were comfortable with, and he religiously policed the noise on his floor to           + “Where are you going? The movie just started…”                                                    “To tell Felix to turn his music down.”               “You’re vampiring again Metri, I can’t even hear that.”

·         When he signed you up for Yoga and meditation classes at a centre in town you drew the line and told him he was going overboard, but bless him he had tried

·         Overall he’s a solid 15/10 for effort, even if some ideas are still experimental - you’re enjoying the deep pressure massages a lot though – and he sometimes goes a bit mother-hen trying to get you out of situations he thinks you’ll struggle with, when actually you’re coping just fine today

·         You love him dearly for it

Worldbuilding Tangent Part 4

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 Since I have all the tabs open still, I’m just gonna hop straight into Hotland. (A reminder that these are my own observations and analysis of the Game’s text  it is still only my interpretation of how this area MIGHT work if we attempt to apply real world systems Undertale’s world. It’s possible that I misunderstood or don’t know enough about the natural systems described and that things couldn’t work that way without some kind of magic, whether that of the Monsters or some natural source of it.) I’ve already covered the idea that Ebbot is a Stratovolcano and that it pushed up through limestone layers in a gigantic explosion that not only formed the mountain, but also pushed lava flows up through the rock and formed numerous lava tubes that intruded upon slowly forming caverns and caves. However the area of Hotland itself is rather weird. When you catch your first glimpse of it over the bridge while being chased by Undyne it appears to be free flowing lava. But later once you’ve crossed the Labs, it seems more like a still lake of it. Other areas are clearly hotter than others by far, such as the area seen in the distance surrounding the base of the core compared to the area where Frisk can walk up on ledges and roads not too far from the surface of the lake. The only way this might work is if you had a Permanent Lava Lake, a rare occurrence where a lava lake has a continuous source of heat, possibly due to magma flow rates in the volcanic conduits below. Some might suggest that this is actually the magma chamber of the volcano, but if that were the case... No one could possibly survive that. Also Magma Chambers are much further down and subject to immense pressure and heat. Most Monsters couldn’t survive, and no humans could either unless they could reset time upon death and choose not to enter the magma chamber or get anywhere near it. So a Permanent Lava Lake. But most of the time you can’t actually see the surface of the lake, as the game simply shows blackness on either side of your arid and red rock formation path or various mechanical platforms. This might suggest that you are much higher up and away from the surface, possibly in areas where the flow is much faster and the lava much hotter. Lava is actually quite tolerable and isn’t likely to cause serious burns to you unless you get really close. 8 feet away for slowly flowing lava as demonstrated by geologists trying to get a close look at the formations of lava toes. But while some parts of this lake might be slow and cool enough to get close to, most areas probably aren’t. Which is why it makes sense for a lot of the areas to be elevated high up, away from the surface of the lake. The biggest problem with lava heat is actually due to Radiant Damage. Essentially, if you can see the lava, that means its light is hitting you and can possibly cause burns if you’re too close, or blind you. Have you ever been near a bonfire and felt the heat sear your face even when you were far away? Yeah, lava is a LOT worse. Which is another good reason to be far away from the surface most of the time, so that even if you do glance over the edge, you won’t have your face burned off by the light. If we’re thinking of Undertale’s fire or volcano based monsters, this probably isn’t a big issue. But any of the game’s other monsters might face some of the same issues as a human who wanders the area. However, human bodies are remarkably adaptable, and despite the intensely inhospitably conditions present in the caverns containing Hotland, its likely that Frisk would be able to linger for some time in the extreme heat before it started doing major damage to their body. However they wouldn’t survive living there. Some might point out the issue with the water dissolving from your cup if you try to take it beyond the area where Undyne collapses, but aside from an in game gag where the rules of physics are broken, I’m unable to find an explanation for this that still allows a human to survive the area for any period of time at all. Fortunately we have a number of instances through the game where physics and reality are broken specifically to stop us from causing errors big enough to crash the game. If you head the other direction the water simply “returns to the cooler” while heading deeper into Hotland causes it to “Evaporate” away. It’s unlikely that it really did so and can probably be safely ignored as the proper actions are to give the water to Undyne or leave without getting any. We even have proof that it’s not hot enough for water to truly evaporate, since Undyne, who is already sensitive to heat, doesn’t even die but only suffers because her armor heated up far too quickly, and later caused her to develop heatstroke which leaves her weak and in bed. We see a similar phenomenon with other armor in the area that is not protected by a “cooling dirt”. However there is one main problem that would make things difficult. Lava produces poisonous gasses through a process called degassing. This process is normally quite volatile in ordinary Lava Lakes, but in Permanent Lava Lakes its more constant and less explosive. But the actual gas is incredibly harmful. Even in open air areas it can present a hazard depending on where you are and where the wind is blowing. More frustrating is that both the red formations the path is on and the blackish formations that make up various distant walls we can see are basalt, which means the lava is Basaltic. Basaltic Lava produces more poisonous gasses by volume than any other type. But Frisk is wandering through a cavern where there is no weather to blow away gasses. One possibility is that to make the area more accessible for Monsters who had lungs (unlike the skeletons) or who weren’t fire or volcano based somehow, an artificial method of sucking out gasses and pulling in fresh oxygen from the surface. This wouldn’t be too difficult if you were willing to draw away the air near the surface of the lake as it begins to rise and out through some kind of vent, possibly to outside or maybe to where the gas can be collected and used. And we already know the Underground has numerous holes in the ceilings where things like airflow and sunlight are possible, but not living beings with souls. If air were being pulled away from the lower areas, then new air would rush in from the openings to take its place. This would also keep upper areas cool and cool the surface of the lake a little, but not enough to totally solidify it, since its kept heated by geothermal cycles below. Another frightening point is that if there is lava this high above the lower Magma Chamber at all, even in a relatively stable Permanent Lava Lake, that means that Mt. Ebbot is not permanently dormant and could, in fact, reactivate at any time.

Cigarette Smoke and- Oh Shit I Can’t Breathe

Notes: I’ve had this idea for a while now and no one really seemed to talk about it, so I’ve been trying to make more of my own content for it! (It being asthmatic Jay)

- - - 

Relationships: Jay Merrick & Timothy “Tim” Wright, Jay Merrick/Timothy “Tim” Wright

Characters: Jay Merrick, Timothy “Tim” Wright

Trigger Warnings: Smoking, untreated illness, asthma/wheezing, passing out/fainting, lack of oxygen/asphyxiation, brief mention of an ER/Hospital visit

Summary: On the way to their next hotel, Jay pulls their car to the side of the road for a break. When Tim pulls out a cigarette and starts to smoke, though, things go downhill fast.

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, some hints of Jam but not much

Word count: 2014

- - -

"This is nice... like, really nice"

Jay hummed an agreement as he looked over to Tim, who was leaning against the back of his car. "Yeah, it's peaceful. It's a nice change of pace," he sighed. They had been in the middle of moving to their next hotel and had decided to pull off to the side of the road for a break. Jay was sitting in an empty space he made in his trunk, which had taken a couple minutes of playing Tetris with both their bags and other miscellaneous items that had been thrown back there. When there was enough room, he sat in the trunk with his legs dangling over the edge. Tim had originally been sitting in the passenger's seat with the door propped open, but had moved to where he was now.

The click of a lighter caught Jay's attention. Realizing he had been staring, he looked away. He had a pretty good idea of why the lighter was out, anyways. Tim didn't seem to notice that he had been staring, but his face flushed regardless. Jay pulled a face at the smell of the smoke that blew towards him, but attempted to focus on something else so he didn't seem rude. It wasn't that he minded Tim smoking, he just couldn't handle the smell. Well, okay, that wasn't the full truth. The smoke messed with his lungs and made it hard to breathe.

He didn't think much of it, considering it went away after a couple hours of being away from the source, but that didn't mean he liked it. It was something he had grown up with, so really he should've been used to this. But every time his lungs closed up and his breath started to whistle as it came out, he just couldn't fight off the small part of himself that insisted that this wasn't normal. Another part of him argued that if something was wrong, surely his parents would've taken him to the doctor or someone else to get it checked out. It was a constant back and forth in his mind, but in the end he never did anything.

A sudden gust of wind pushed a cloud of smoke toward him. His eyes watered as he started roughly coughing. His lungs burned as he coughed, the little air he got being pushed right back out. He couldn't get any air in his lungs, and for a brief moment he worried he was going to pass out. Eventually the coughing fit passed, as did the cloud of smoke. Tim was looking at him with thinly veiled concern. It was then that he noticed that Tim had moved so his body and cigarette were blocked by the side of the car. A couple more coughs escaped from Jay, his chest slowly but surely gaining the pressure that accompanied the wheezing. Could it be called wheezing? He didn't really know if that's what it was, but he was never bothered enough to check and see.

"Jay? Are you okay?" Tim asked. Jay nodded as a reply, not trusting his voice for the moment. Another gust of wind blew past, this time faintly rocking the car. Luckily, this time no smoke was blown his way. Tim leaned over the edge of the car, raising an accusatory eyebrow his way.

"What?" Jay choked out.

"Oh, nothing, just the fact that you had an extreme coughing fit and sound like you're dying," Tim replied, shrugging his shoulders to add to the 'nonchalant' statement.

"I'm fine." Jay looked away from him, silently hoping that Tim didn't notice the tears that were in his eyes or how rough his breathing was coming out. Judging from the staring he was getting, Tim probably noticed. "Seriously," he sighed, "this isn't the first time it's happened. Plus, it was kinda your fault."

Tim rolled his eyes, "Okay, well, never mind then. Sorry I can't be concerned about my friends."

Jay paused, "Wait, we're friends?"

Tim laughed, before letting out a few coughs. Jay just stared at him, completely and utterly confused. After a pause, Tim turned towards him. "Wait a minute. Did you- did you actually think we weren't friends? Like, at all?" Jay shrugged helplessly, his previous flush returning full force. “Jay, look at me. Did you actually think we weren’t friends?”

"I mean, no? Not really? You did punch me in the face-"

"-Which you kinda deserved."

"Yeah, Which I kinda deserved, but I was going to tell you that night! Well, anyways, you punched me in a parking lot and then I did drag you back into this whole mess. I thought you were, I don't know, just coming along because you had to." Jay hung his head and tugged down his hat, attempting to hide his growing blush.

"Okay, well," Tim put his hand underneath the brim of Jay's hat and tugged it back up, "Yeah, we're friends. And that means you're stuck with me." Jay grinned as they looked at each other. The way they were positioned looked like it would’ve come out of some cheesy romance movie, but he didn’t care. Someone was finally on his side. “Also, Jay-”

Jay cut him off by accidentally choking on the cigarette smoke that was starting to surround them. Tim let out a curse and quickly stomped out his cigarette. Tears started to flood Jay’s eyes again as the burning increased throughout both his lungs and his throat. His breaths were coming in short and fast, the high pitched wheezing tearing through any other noise. Jay’s head began to feel fuzzy as his vision darkened around the edges. Everything was becoming muted, Tim’s desperate calls to him being drowned out by the ringing in his ears.

A small spike of fear peaked through the spreading numbness. ‘This definitely isn't normal’ was his last thought as the darkness and ringing overtook him.

- - -

The first thing Jay noticed was how hot his body was. It felt as if someone had poured hot water over him and left him to bear the heat alone. Next, he noticed the dull ringing in his ears slowly fading. His head felt unbearably heavy, and he could feel the tell-tale signs of a headache coming on. He groaned, lifting his hand to clutch his head.

“Jay? Jay, are you awake?” Tim called. Jay noted how his voice sounded far away, but also like it was right next to him. Instead of responding, Jay opened his eyes to glance around. Turns out he was laying across the back seat while Tim was driving.

“What happened?” Jay groaned again, opting to keep his eyes shut to help the pounding in his head.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, that’s what.” Tim snapped. Humming in response, Jay dropped his arm back to his side. Tim continued on, “Don’t try just brushing this off, Merrick. You seriously scared me.”

“Sorry”

“Don’t-, ugh. You know what? Never mind. We’re almost there anyways.” That got Jay’s attention. Was Tim taking them back to their previous hotel? Did he continue on to try getting them to their next hotel? Where was ‘there’? Just as he was about to voice his questions the car lurched to the side as Tim spit out a curse at another driver. After a couple more quick turns and maneuvering the car around, Jay could tell they had finally parked in where Tim had wanted to take them.

Jay slowly pushed himself up and, while practically leaning all his weight on Tim, was able to slide out of the backseat and into a somewhat-standing position. Raising his head, Jay finally got a good look at where they were.

“The ER? Really?” he huffed, testing the weight on each of his legs. Tim opened his mouth to respond before shaking his head. This earned another irritated huff Jay before he was practically dragged into the building.

“Hello, how may I help you?” The receptionist smiled up at the two of them. Distantly, Jay wondered about how much of a trainwreck they both looked. He probably looked worse, considering he was the one who passed out, but he thought Tim also looked pretty frazzled.

Tim quickly explained their situation, leaving out the part where they were on the run from an eldritch abomination, and the nurses soon took Jay back into the emergency rooms. As he was leaving, he heard Tim let out a curse as a stack of paperwork was laid before him.

- - -

Jay walked back into the waiting room with the nurse who had led him back to the rooms. As they were walking, the nurse continued to explain what he needed to do. “... The inhaler that we gave you is a sample, so it only will last you about a month if you use it three times daily. Remember, try to only use it as needed.” Jay nodded his head. He wasn’t really sure how to respond to being led back into a room, having to do a bunch of breathing tests, inhale a drug he never heard of before, doing more tests, and finding out he had asthma.

He didn’t blame his parents for not realizing it sooner, but now that he was actually able to breathe properly for the first time in years it was extremely clear how much he was being affected by it. ‘Maybe that’s why I always get outran by Tim’s masked state, even though they both surely feel the effects of his smoking,’ he thought. It made sense.

He was never really able to go and get into shape because he never was able to properly breathe, but he always thought he just got winded easily. All the times he had suddenly started wheezing and being unable to breathe finally made sense, even if it was startling and intimidating news. After all, the most he knew about asthma before this was that the diagnosis was given to the stereotypical ‘nerdy’ or ‘sick’ kid in TV shows. Never before had he thought that it would be used to describe his situation.

Eventually, the nurse stopped talking and reminding him of the important notes for his new inhaler, along with them demanding that he get a prescription inhaler eventually. Jay nodded and said his thanks before heading over to where Tim sat. Jay nudged him and motioned for them to go outside. Once they were outside and back at the car, Tim turned to him expectantly. “So? How’d it go? You’re not about to pass out again anytime soon, right?”

“No,” Jay sighed, “I just found out that I apparently have asthma, though. Parents never realized, I never realized, and so I thought that the shortness of breath and the wheezing was normal.” He paused for a moment before shaking his head, “Well, okay, I just thought that I got winded easier when doing exercise. I never really had an excuse for the times I would randomly be unable to breathe.” Tim was staring at him with wide eyes, his jaw hanging open. A moment of silence passed before, “Uh, Tim?”

“You have asthma?!” Tim yelled. Jay quickly shushed him and got in the car. “Jay fucking Merrick, you better tell me what the hell you mean when you say you have asthma because if I find out that you were running around in the woods chasing masked men while not being able to breathe …” Tim trailed off with a sigh.

At this point both of them had gotten into the car but neither of them moved. Jay opted to say nothing, knowing if he tried to defend himself it would probably get Tim even more worked up and worried. Tim started the car as Jay used this time to buckle up while attempting to avoid looking over at him. The trip back to their hotel was filled with silence.

- - -

Once they got back to their hotel room, Tim finally spoke up. “Hey, Jay? Should we tell the people following us on Twitter or YouTube about this? So they… y’know, don’t worry?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

Making decisions, like really important ‘what direction do we move our life in’ decisions can sometimes be really difficult, particularly when it comes to deciding where to live.

We’ve toed and throwed on the topic of selling our house for years, but now we have finally made our decision and we’ve decided to blog this, plus everything else follows thereafter, so if your interested then please, read on...

So, at this point I want you to imagine that classic song from ‘The Clash’ playing in the background on repeat, over and over again. You know the one that goes ‘should I stay or should I go now?’

Well if you don’t, Its linked in the blog for you - feel free to play it!

Should we stay or should we go is the exact question me (Natalie) and my husband (Josh) have been asking ourselves for years when it comes to staying in our lovely house in Cheshire that we spent the last 5 1/2 years renovating top to bottom.

That lingering, partly self-inflicted, pressure of wanting to do well paired with societal expectations of having your shit together it’s something we’ve always felt, particularly when it comes to deciding where we live and for how long.

But anyway, before I go further let me just take a few steps back and tell you a little bit about us...

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21 and within a short space of time we were living together in a rental property. The property was perfect for us. It had three bedrooms, one bathroom and a nice little garden. I was only 18 at the time and felt so proud to be living independently. Although now, on reflection, I know I was probably way too young to be living away from my family. I look at my youngest brother-in-law who is 19 and think ‘can I imagine him living away from home?’ Sorry Jarvis if you read this, but the answer is no chance!!

Anyway, we went to the house for an agency and when we got the keys we realised it needed some TLC. My husband, Josh, is a joiner and comes from a very practical, resource full, hands-on kind of family. Josh grew up in an environment surrounded by people who had to didn’t just work hard, but proper grafted, particularly his dad, to provide for the family.

My family are much the same. My mum, mainly in her 30s and early 40s, was super ambitious, academic, intelligent and independent. She studied and And studied to push on in her career whilst raising three young kids with very little support.

So both Josh and I come from honest, hard-working families with strong role models and therefore neither of us have ever been afraid to get our hands dirty.

Now, back to our first home.. We re-decorated the whole house, replace the flooring and got two little kittens #Cute. Then six months later, when our tenancy run out, we decided to meet him with my family and save to buy our own house. At that point the rental went back onto the leasing market, but for about £100 per month more than what we’ve been paying.

Why? Because we added value..

I think for me, that was when the penny dropped. I realise that there was value in buying a property which needed work doing to it because then, if you’re clever and resourceful, you can add value and therefore are money.

In 2012 we purchased our first house #Yay. We renovated it over three years and then sold it and bought a current home in 2015.

Almost 6 years on, and after a lot of #BloodSweatAndTears our house is largely finished and within toying with the idea of selling, again.

Lockdown has had a big part to play in us both having itchy feet. Being stuck in the house all day, feeling the need to get outdoors and have plenty of space around us has been a constant. Don’t get me wrong we do have space now, but we sort of been questioning what we want and what’s important to us.

We’ve always loved the idea of moving to Scotland. It’s a beautiful country with a really distinctive culture it has plenty of outdoor space and, in our opinion, offers all the things you could one. But it’s a big move and would require Josh, in particular, to rethink his line of work and source of income. Therefore at this point in time staying closer to home is more practical, and of course it means we stay close to friends and family.

Renovating our home has been so, so hard. When you see people on social media renovating their homes it looks all exciting and fabulous, and don’t get me wrong it is exciting at times, but it’s also very draining. It is not easy!

We didn’t have the money to just pay for somebody to come in and do everything for us, so Josh is on 80% of the work himself during the evenings and at weekends. So because so much has gone into our current house we’ve been asking ourselves ‘can we actually go through all of this again?’

Appreciate what you have and recognising that there is always somebody less fortunate than yourself is so important to remember. I think having this sort of mindset helps you to be grateful for the things that you do have in your life. So we’ve been thinking about how lucky we are and how grateful we are to have what we have, So after lots of deliberating we decided to stay, not forever but for a little while longer.

The end.

Fast forward a few weeks… Actually this is not the end.

Something happened, which I cannot wait to write about in my next blog! Call it say I don’t know for everything has changed and so now we decided to sell our house and it’s all systems go!

20 Best Female Fitness Models Of 2020

There are actually so many superb feminine fitness fashions on the market that we couldn’t probably embody everybody on our record. However, we did discover among the many hottest and influential ladies at the moment (however don’t be mad in case your favourite wasn’t included). These hotties are completely doing their factor and all have fairly huge followings on Instagram/social media. So, right here’s our record of common feminine fitness fashions (take pleasure in)! 1. Kayla Itsines First up is Australian private coach Kayla Itsines. This 28-year-old can also be an writer and entrepreneur who based a collection of fitness ebooks known as Bikini Body Guides (BBG). She additionally created the app, Sweat with Kayla, which was probably the most profitable fitness app of 2016. Itsines is vastly common on social media, boasting a powerful 12.5 million followers on Instagram. She was additionally named 30 most influential individuals on the Internet by Time’s, and identifies herself as Greek on account of her household heritage. Itsines can also be definitely among the many wealthiest fitness figures with over $60 million. 2. Sommer Ray An completely gorgeous fitness mannequin from the U.S., this 23-year-old has discovered unparalleled success with 24.9 million Instagram followers to show it. This tops our record for Instagram followers. She additionally owns a clothes model (Sommer Ray Collection) and is getting extra common by the day. 3. Michelle Lewin If we’re speaking about feminine fitness fashions then Michelle Lewin positively belongs within the dialog. This beautiful influencer positively is aware of what she’s doing relating to constructing a head-turning physique. Lewin began off working at a Venezuela clinic and doubtless by no means would have thought she’d blow up how she did. Now she’s one of the recognizable faces who has been on the duvet of a number of high-profile fitness magazines together with Sports & Fitness, Her Muscle & Fitness, and Iron Man. She’s at the moment based mostly in South Florida. Oh… and also you would possibly keep in mind the time she was bitten within the butt by a pig on the seashore throughout a photoshoot. 4. Jen Selter Top feminine fitness mannequin and web superstar Jen Selter is simply 26 years outdated however she has made fairly the title for herself. Her ardour for fitness began in highschool when she labored on the entrance desk of a fitness center. She discovered figuring out to be a technique to relieve stress and earlier than she knew it, she would pave the best way for different social media influencers. Selter apparently performed a component in popularizing the “belfie” or butt selfie and her signature “Seltering” poses. She has additionally been featured in a number of publications comparable to Women’s Health, Vanity Fair, Cosmopolitan, The New York Post, and Elite Daily. Other notable accomplishments embody being acknowledged as a prime fitness influencer by Forbes in 2017. She’s additionally the co-owner for BlendJet (moveable blenders) and founding father of @couplegoals. 5. Paige Hathaway Definitely one of many extra common feminine fitness fashions, Paige Hathaway started her journey in 2011. Hathaway is from Minnesota initially and has achieved such enormous success through the years. Although, her childhood was tough coping with the divorce of her mother and father and custody points. But she went on to do fairly nicely for herself, competing in Bikini, showing in magazines, and raking in 7 figures a year, making her one of many highest-paid fitness fashions. 6. Ana Cheri Besides having a really profitable modeling profession, Ana Cheri can also be a fitness center proprietor, actress, and host with a following of 12.5 million on Instagram. Cheri was additionally a options Playmate mannequin in 2015, citing the next about gym-spiration… “You have to start somewhere. If the gym seems intimidating, try an outdoor sport. Every little bit counts.” 7. Anllela Sagra Anllela Sagra has a killer physique that she isn’t shy about displaying off. Her determine has acquired lots of consideration from prime names within the trade and earlier than she turned actually common, she was a vogue design pupil who would mannequin (vogue) just a few instances per week. But she turned very severe about fitness and needed to compete, of which she positioned third at her first competitors. Sagra’s transfer to the US from Columbia was apparently one of the best transfer the 26-year-old made as a result of it paid off huge time! Here’s an inspiring quote from the bio on her web site… “In life there is no such thing as luck, there are only opportunities and it is your decision whether or not to take a chance on them. I decided to take it and risk everything, lose everything and just jump into the world of possibilities and the truth is that it was the best decision I ever made in my life.” 8. Eva Andressa It’s fairly apparent Eva Andressa works her butt off to rock that sort of physique and he or she positively deserves the popularity. Of course, she used to compete professionally which is smart. Her most notable accomplishments embody… 2008 Brasil, Bodyfitness, 1st 2009 Brazilian National champion, Bodyfitness The 35-year-old Brazilian mannequin has 5.6 million Instagram followers and actually noticed success after showing on the superstar TV present in Brasil – Programa do Jo. Andressa went on to have her personal present in 2015 known as Dica Fitness of which she interviews well-known athletes. 9. Katya Elise Henry Based in Miami, Florida, Katya Elise Henry has actually bought it happening. She’s additionally a WBFF Pro in addition to a coach and mannequin who has impressed and helped to rework so many individuals across the globe. Here’s a bit of the bio from her web site Workouts by Katya… “My journey started when I was at a place probably very similar to where you are right now. I knew how I wanted to look, and I knew that I really wanted to look like that, but I didn’t know where to start. Workouts By Katya was born out of my motivation to inspire and empower everyone to be their best. My vision is to provide you with the best workout programs and information to allow you to be your very best. I was blessed with a Mom who is an amazing personal trainer, and a Dad who has always been involved in sports and weight training. Growing up, I was always active and generally fit. My childhood dream was to be a cheerleader, and I pursued this goal until it was achieved when I turned 18! As I grew older, I started to develop an understanding of the way I wanted to look. My main sources of motivation came from my mom and sister, but also from myself. I know that my fitness journey will never stop – improvement is constant and never-ending!” 10. Karina Elle Karina Elle is on each feminine fitness mannequin crush record. She’s a former athlete and Bikini competitor having received the World Fitness Federation Pro Bikini Championship. The half Asian/half European mannequin is thought for her slender and athletic physique standing at 5’11 tall. She discovered a ton of success in her 20’s and has grow to be one of the in-demand feminine fitness fashions. Elle additionally has her personal web site for training and galvanizing. 11. Emily Skye Personal coach and fitness mannequin Emily Skye based Emily Skye FIT which is the end result of her years being concerned within the trade. But she needed to do extra and now how a web based program consisting of every part ladies have to be more healthy and extra FIT. Emily Skye can also be the co-founder of a cosmetics model James cosmetics. And she’s at the moment anticipating a child boy… 12. Anna Nystrom Anna Nystrom is a well being/fitness/life-style YouTuber from Sweden with 8.6 million followers on Instagram. She skilled just a few setbacks whereas finding out for design and vogue on account of well being points. However, she was capable of flip issues round by studying about well being and fitness which led to her changing into a private coach and the remainder was historical past. Nystrom developed a ardour for social media and used these platforms to encourage so many individuals. She was additionally capable of observe her ardour for design and vogue by launching the exercise clothes line Ryvelle® in 2018. 13. Bru Luccas Brazilian mannequin Bru Luccas went from McDonald’s employee to common fitness determine and enterprise proprietor. She’s additionally one half of a duo together with her sister known as Body & Sisters on Instagram. There’s no approach she wouldn’t belong on this record… 14. Lauren Drain Lauren Drain has one of the fascinating tales on the market that she become a e-book, and have become a New York Times bestseller. She’s a Registered Nurse, private coach, and Bikini Pro who owns her personal enterprise. Despite her unlucky early years the place she was pressured to evolve to a cult, she’s achieved amazingly nicely and is fortunately married. 15. Gracyanne Barbosa Gracyanne Barbosa is a Brazilian fitness mannequin and Carnaval dancer who started her rise to stardom after monetary points led her to pursue dancing and modeling. She posed for Playboy Brazil within the February 2007 subject after which caught the eye of many after a video was shared of her squatting round 450 lbs. The authenticity of the weights used was positively in query however her reputation has risen considerably. 16. Tammy Hembrow Australian-born Tammy Hembrow most just lately posted a fairly racy photograph that caught the eye of the media. And she isn’t afraid to point out what she has labored for. She’s a mom of two at age 26 and began her private model in 2015 and seeks to show ladies reside a more healthy and healthier life-style. Hembrow has 11.Three million Instagram followers and over 1 million YouTube subscribers. 17. Amanda Lee Canadian fitness mannequin Amanda Lee is admittedly shy, nevertheless, that hasn’t stopped her from making her presence recognized. She was very skinny in her youthful years of which she despised however due to her mom who was a private coach, Lee was capable of finding herself and her ardour. She then rose to fame on Instagram after a well-known dancer tagged her and earlier than she knew, the followers and alternatives began to flood in. 18. Brooke Ence A former prime CrossFit competitor who positioned 14th on the 2015 CrossFit Games, Brooke Ence is as spectacular as they arrive. So a lot so actually, that she has had some fairly good success with appearing. Ence has had roles within the movies Wonder Woman (2017), Justice League (2017), and Black Lightning (2018). The Utah native was all the time athletic and aggressive which appeared to essentially repay. Ence stated she was making a comeback to CrossFit competitors in 2020 seeing how common she is, that might be an thrilling build-up for her and followers. 19. Heidi Somers Also generally known as BuffBunny, Heidi Somers is a fitness competitor and mannequin. Somers wasn’t all the time match… or wholesome. In reality, when she lived in her home state of Alaska, she hit all-time low on account of relationships, her job, and her well being habits. So she relocated to Texas and have become concerned with CrossFit earlier than transitioning right into a deal with increase her physique of which she competed within the NPC. And by seems to be of issues, she didn’t waste her potential. 20. Anna Victoria Concluding our record, Anna Victoria started her fitness journey in 2012 with no information of get match and little or no understanding of correct vitamin. She had some well being issues which meant it was much more crucial for her to learn to reverse this and grow to be her healthiest. Fast ahead to 2015 and he or she was altering lives which led to growing her Fit Body Guides and the Fit Body App. Wrapping Up We actually hope you loved our record of 20 common feminine fitness fashions for 2020. Again, you might have a special opinion based mostly on ladies who’ve impressed you. But we selected some huge names that we all know have completed quite a bit. And you by no means know, you would possibly simply discover some new inspiration. Read the full article

Thank you! My actual question is, what is trauma? Particularly trauma that doesn't stem from a single Traumatic Event (TM) -- like, trauma that comes from years of being treated as a "gifted" child, or from developing a disability slowly and quietly rather than in some big accident, or other non-obvious sources. What is trauma, what does it do to someone, why can two people go through the same shit and one comes out traumatised and the other does not? This is a big and vague question I know.

Yeah, “trauma” as a concept is kind of confusing because people think that to be traumatic, something has to be dramatic. And it doesn’t. In point of fact, when my province did its public messaging campaign for trauma-informed care, they completely replaced the word “trauma” with “toxic stress”.

This is gonna get long. For further reading, I’d suggest looking at the Child Trauma Academy’s Trauma and PTSD Library. And it will sound at the beginning like I’m answering some different question than yours, but I promise, I am.

The root of trauma is in the stress response system. When our body interprets something as a threat, it activates the stress response system; our system floods with adrenaline, heart rate goes up, breathing quickens, the brain diverts energy away from centres of higher thought and into immediate physical motion, your liver releases glucose your digestive system slows down, all that stuff. This is called “arousal” but it means stress arousal, not sexual arousal. And then, after the threat has passed, your body works to return you to normal; it releases cortisol to calm you down, your heart goes back to normal, your digestion goes back to normal, you are calmed and soothed.

The first major cause of stress after birth is being hungry. The stomach hurts; we’re in pain; we become stressed and cry. And ideally, someone will come, pick us up, and feed, rock, soothe, and make noises at us until we stop crying and become calm again. If we receive adequate care--that is, if we experience thousands of repetitions of being alarmed and in pain, having the pain go away, and being soothed--our brain records a basic set point of “most of the time I do not need to be alarmed, but when I am alarmed, it probably won’t be for long and I’ll get what I need to calm down again.”

Our brains don’t differentiate well between physical and emotional pain, between something that happens to us and something that happens to others. What makes a baby scream in hunger is the same basic mechanism as what happens when someone experiences a dramatic trauma.

The really big, important step, is when the body goes back to normal. When you are calmed and soothed. The parasympathetic nervous system kicks in; the body releases cortisol; heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure go back to normal; digestion resumes; higher brain functions go back online. 

Trauma is what happens when this doesn’t occur--your body tries to soothe itself, but it isn’t enough to fully work. Maybe the stressor is still present so the stress response keeps happening; maybe there aren’t enough resources to become soothed by. Instead the body is alarmed to the point of exhaustion. An aroused stress response is an incredibly taxing state, sucking down resources at an enormous rate while preventing the generation of new ones. So for an adult this could be a big shock that they can’t get over; for a baby, it could be not being fed, not being soothed, or being in constant pain. 

Trauma is, basically, a stress response that wakes up easily and then takes a long time to settle down again after. It’s the brain trying to anticipate a dangerous world where something bad happens and you need to be quick to respond to it, and maybe be prepared for a long siege where you need to maintain that response for quite some time. 

It works differently for kids because we actually need a lot of help to cope with stress initially. We spend a long time helpless, unable to walk or talk, completely dependent on a caregiver to eat and handle threats. The repetition of being soothed by a caregiver slowly builds up the neural capacity to deal with threats. We use our sense of connection with other people, and our own mastery over the world, to help deal with with stress. This is why hurt children want to be soothed by their caregiver, specifically, and why that caregiver kissing an injury to make it feel better works. Rejection is painful because on a basic level, our brains associate it with not having the resources to handle pain.

So there are a lot of thing that can either deprive a child of adequate resources to handle stress, or create a stressful stimuli too great to be soothed. Which are kind of the same thing, except: there are harmful or inadequate environments that would be guaranteed to over-stress and fail to soothe a vast number of children; and there are children who become so stressed they require a level of soothing much greater than what would be adequate for most other kids. An almost universally neglectful environment might be infants in an old-fashioned orphanage, where babies are fed on a rigid schedule, rarely held, rocked, or soothed, and not responded to when they cry; those suckers are almost guaranteed to fuck up any infant raised within them. (If it survives.) Meanwhile, a child that is difficult to soothe might for some reason have levels of pain it would require painkillers to take away, or might be distressed by things their caregiver doesn’t know to control, like an autistic child who is distressed by the fabric of their blanket or the electric hum of household equipment, which many neurotypical people would never guess could be distressing.

So some of those predispositions might be genetic, but then they get compounded by early life experience. For example, my nephew was allergic to his infant formula; he screamed way more than your average baby and was much harder to soothe, until his parents and their doctor figured out what was going on. After that, he was a much happier baby. If they hadn’t figured out what was going on, and he’d spent maybe a year being constantly distressed with nothing to soothe it, it probably would have moved his stress response system a little closer to “easily activated and hard to soothe”.

You know how when plastic gets hot, it gets all melty and can be put into a bunch of different shapes? And then when it cools down, you can flex it a little but not reshape it entirely? That’s what is meant when neuroscientists say the brain is plastic. When we’re born, our genetics play a little into the shape that our brains take, but our environment has just as much ability to shape our brains. The brain can be optimized for learning English or learning Chinese, to being happy and easily soothed or for responding to constant, unremitting stress. And as we grow older, the plastic cools off. A lot of your stress response system’s basic set point is decided by the age of 3, and much harder to change thereafter. The window for learning any new language easily and flawlessly closes in elementary school; after that, as we age, it gets harder and harder. The adult brain solidifies, so it can flex but is hard to totally reshape.

Part of childhood trauma is also the failure to learn skills during a critical period for learning them. If a child isn’t exposed to any language by the age of 7, they are deeply unlikely to learn how to speak naturally and fluently later in life. And almost everything that differentiates adulthood from childhood is a learned skill, including staying calm, paying attention, solving problems, making friends, and socializing. They’re like muscles; they have to be used for them to grow from their initial promise, their basic genetic gift, to being large, strong, and capable of doing things.

So the younger you are, you see, the more subtle a trauma can be; the stress response system is so much weaker when we’re young. It is shaped not just by huge things, but little ones: How predictably we’re fed when we cry. Whether the adults around us are grieving or fearful. If we’re allowed to feel safe when we leave the house. If the people we encounter are friendly or hostile. Whether we can reliably meet the standards for being considered “good”. How often we encounter rejection.  The hope is that, as you age, you can handle bigger and bigger stresses, because stress response is to some degree a skill; I can handle a skinned knee more easily than my 3-year-old nephew can.

But both genetics and that early life set-point can determine how likely we are to be traumatized anew by later events. If your stress system is already prone to being aroused way before other peoples’, and much slower to calm down, you’re much more likely to both be stressed by new events, and to fail to calm down totally after. The stresses pile up. Your stress response system, bless its little heart, thinks that the response to more stress is MORE VIGILANCE, and it takes a lot of very deliberate work, environmental change, and possibly medication to calm it back down again. (A frequent medication for traumatized children is clonidine, which reduces blood pressure, because it helps reset their bodies to “less stressed”)

And then if our bodies leave us in a state of chronic stress, we can often fail to do the things that help us recover from it later. If a child is constantly stressed and anxious, it may make it harder for them to make friends; then when they’re pushed off the swing at recess while the teacher’s back was turned, they’re less likely to have friends who will notice or react with care, concern, or help. If they feel totally embittered by school as a whole, they may be more likely to drop out, meaning they don’t have the educational qualifications that would give them home, food, and medical care. It can be a really vicious downward spiral.

So: 

Trauma from big shit as an adult is essentially the same as trauma from little shit when you’re a kid. To a baby, social isolation equals death, and it takes a long time to learn otherwise. 

Two people can experience the same thing and have very different reactions because of combination of genetics and life experiences

 One of those differences can be perception of threat, so they are more likely to find something distressing than others

Another can be difficulty with distress tolerance and self-soothing, so they are much less able to return from distress to a feeling of wellbeing and calm.

Adverse early experiences can set you up for a negative downward spiral

Lack of positive shaping experiences as a child can leave you without important skills for health and growth, and those skills can be much harder to learn later in life.

There used to be a huge amount of irony in Saix and Xion's relationship. He hated her for being a puppet, but he was the true puppet all along.

Being Inseparable—A Double-Edged Sword

“Sora or Xion—it matters not. But we need one of them under our control. Bear that in mind.”

Saïx nodded, and a serene smile came to Xemnas’s face.

If that smile meant anything, it was beyond him.

Yep. I do think Isa was Xehanort’s favorite lab rat and that he had all sorts of techniques performed on him to create an obedient slave. Now if that description doesn’t sound like Saïx, I don’t know what does. There’s a reason Axel’s weapons are shaped like the chakras. They both had blockages and could not heal them until the other was healed.

Axel finally stopped sulking with his arms crossed and looked up. “Which means, if the time doesn’t come, things can stay as they are.”

Saïx glared at him. “Lord Xemnas has spoken. Obey or face your end.”

After Saïx’s warning on his behalf, Xemnas vanished from the room. The others followed suit.

The third eye controls the ability to think for yourself and your spirituality. When it is blocked, you feel like you have no purpose. There was a lot more wrong with Saïx than just lacking a heart (which is bad enough). He had mind control techniques used on him. I love Nomura’s illustrations of Saïx because they do such a great job showing the idea behind his character. He can’t think for himself. He’s cold and incapable of being tuned into emotional matters.

“But—!” Saïx jumped to his feet again. At that, Xemnas’s smile disappeared.

“Silence,” he growled, returning his attention to Axel. “Where are Naminé and the boy?”

“The haunted mansion in Twilight Town.” Axel stuck the last of the ice cream pop in his mouth.

Xemnas narrowed his eyes. “Oh…?”

“I’ll go.” Saïx started walking as if he couldn’t wait to leave the scene.

In this illustration he’s totally dominated by Xemnas. He’s had his mental faculties forcefully shut down. He’s literally not capable of higher-level thought processes like the others are. Saïx lives in total fear of Xemnas and he cannot think for himself. He also is another Xehanort and doesn’t even realize it.

“You are to discover the identity of the outsider,” he told her. “Those are direct orders from Lord Xemnas. Failure is the same as insubordination. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Wha…?”

Xion had no idea that Xemnas had chosen her for this mission. To the best of her knowledge, Saïx was the one in charge of assigning tasks.

“I assume I’ve made myself clear. Keep looking.” With that, Saïx turned his back on her and left.

The causes of blockage with the Crown chakra involve spiritual abuse—-things like being forced to have blind obedience, and having no right to think for oneself. Like growing up in a cult. Ignoring this aspect of Saïx destroyed everything that made him such an interesting character. I’ll never forgive KH3 for ruining him so badly. Ugh.

Some kind of pressure was gathering between his eyebrows. He walked down the hallway, and when he arrived at the lobby, no one was there.

“Axel…?” He murmured his friend’s name without thinking, then touched his mouth at the outburst.

They had told him that Axel might have been terminated. He remembered that part.

And being terminated meant there was nothing left, nothing at all, according to Xigbar.

The whole idea behind Saïx is that these chakras are blocked. Both of these are governed by the pineal gland. Since he has the Recusant’s Sigil on his forehead, I’d say his pineal gland is dead. And I think I know how it happened. Grief and personal pain is the major cause of blockage of the third eye chakra. This actually happened to Roxas when he was afraid that Axel was terminated. He passed out in Agrabah and felt pressure between his eyebrows.

Riku gently cradled Xion in her sleep.

His head hurt, and his brows tightened in pain. Why did it hurt so badly…?

He’d first noticed that faint headache a little while ago after recalling what Zexion said to him. Now it was getting much worse—from bearable to excruciating. He had nearly blacked out for a moment, struggling with the worst headache of his life. What was going on?

It also happened to Xion when she remembered what Zexion said to Riku. And he also felt a headache at that moment.

Roxas hadn’t expected to sleep very well, and he was right. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. The center of his head felt heavy, like something pressing from the space between his eye brows all the way back.

But yesterday… Yesterday I saw Xion.

Why was she avoiding me? Why was she running away from me?

This is 100% without a doubt referencing the pineal gland. It is right between the eyebrows, in the back of the head. Roxas had issues with it when he was worried about his friends, and had trouble sleeping. This part of the brain controls the waking and sleeping cycle.

Roxas looked up, surprised to be receiving orders. But of course, it was Saïx.

And he didn’t seem any different from usual.

“Is it true about Castle Oblivion…?” he asked, not looking his superior in the face. Saïx’s response was icy.

“That’s no concern of yours.”

“What about Axel?” he pressed. Hearing that name, Saïx narrowed his eyes faintly, not even enough for Roxas to notice. He wasn’t attuned to such subtle changes.

“Who knows,” Saïx finally said. “Perhaps he is among the lost.”

I would suspect that Isa was so traumatized and afraid that his third eye basically went into total shut-down. I think Isa was traumatized so severely by having Lea threatened.

And yet, Axel couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his response. “Well, nice to know where I stand.”

He said it with a grin, but the hint of a frown tugged at the scar between Saïx’s brows. Apparently, the joke wasn’t very funny. “You made it back in one piece, didn’t you?”

Were you worried I wouldn’t? Axel almost said, but he didn’t want to deal with putting him in an even fouler mood. Disgust and rage seemed to linger closest to the surface of Saïx’s memories.

He was so worried and grief-stricken, his pineal gland went haywire and he had a total mental collapse. He went to the Realm of Sleep and he was marked with the “X” on his forehead. Essentially, Saïx was brain damaged and severely mentally compromised after this happened. He’s an even better tool for Xemnas because of this, and it’s why he rose to be his right-hand man. Being reminded of this is very unpleasant for Saïx, even though the memories are Isa’s.

Saïx: Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?

Roxas: Are you worried about her, Axel?

Axel: Of course I am.

Roxas: Doesn’t seem like you.

I think it’s why he was so disappointed at Axel for not being as focused on their goal as he is. Of course, that’s because Axel is suffering from damage to his third eye as well. He’s been traumatized severely, and I think watching Saïx exist in his miserable, emotionless, and robotic condition is a constant source of trauma.

“He worries too much. Thinks he has to help Sora do everything…” Axel grimaced in irritation.

“But, Axel, aren’t you the one worrying about Riku and Sora?” Naminé giggled softly.

“Me, worry? You think I need to be worried about those two?” He stretched backward and rocked the chair back and forth, like a restless child.

Axel has severe anxiety regarding the people he cares about. He was so worried about Riku and Sora he rocked back and forth like a child.

“You’re not wrong…but don’t let your guard down,” Axel told them, bringing up the rear.

“Quit being such a worrywart, Axel.”

“Maybe I could if you two would quit giving me so much to worry about,” he retorted.

Xion and Roxas exchanged a look and laughed.

He constantly worried about Roxas and Xion, too.

“Genie sounded really worried about his friend–some guy named Al. But, I guess you can’t always jump in and do everything for your friends–even if you want to. And then he said that you have to respect your friend’s wishes.” Xion bit her ice cream, swinging her feet. Axel leaned his head to one side.

“Your friend’s wishes, huh…” It feels like I have heard that before, a long time ago, when I was human.

And I think he was worried about Isa, even when he told him not to.

“Well, I think you can be inseparable, even if you’re apart,” said Axel.

Roxas and Xion shared a look. “…Even if you’re apart,” Roxas murmured.

They trailed off, and this time Axel finished his ice cream. So he started talking again. “It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

The weapon shaped like the Third Eye chakra is called “Double Edge”. If you say that something is a double-edged sword, you mean that it has negative effects as well as positive effects. I think this is referring to Lea and Isa being inseparable. Lea felt really close to Isa, even when they were apart. It meant they were always felt connected as friends. But…there’s a down side. When the experiments were happening, I think he worried incessantly about Isa. If Isa dissociated due to his extreme worry and fear over losing Lea, this damaged his pineal gland. So, it only is natural that Lea also has issues with this chakra as well. He feels the same pain Isa does, due to constantly worrying. They are inseparable.

“Sheesh. Would it kill them to give me a day off? I’m exhausted,” Axel whined. “I need my beauty sleep.”

There’s a recurring theme about Axel’s inability to sleep and his constant fatigue. It’s mentioned CONSTANTLY in the novels.

Every time he tried to wake up, all Axel could think was how badly he wanted to go back to sleep—although he was getting enough rest.

He just wished he could have a day to himself and do nothing but sleep. It was probably some remnant of his human memories.

Besides, this world was always dark, even in the morning. The deep indigo sky and its heart-shaped moon outside the window might as well be a night sky.

Axel rolled over. He still had a few more minutes. But then he began to think about yesterday.

Even when he gets enough rest, he’s still tired. And he says that this desire to do noting but sleep is a remnant of his human memories.

Axel finished the report, hardly getting any sleep in the process, and figured he might as well get back to the Grey Area.

To be honest with himself, he had been sweating bullets the entire time. It wasn’t simply writing things down. He had to decide what to include and what to leave out, where he could get away with fudging the truth—it made for a grueling project.

The lobby was still empty. With an enormous yawn, Axel collapsed on the sofa. Even Nobodies needed sleep. He crossed his arms and let his eyes close. Just a little catnap…

“That is not a bed.” A sudden rebuke cut through the peace and quiet, and Axel startled awake.

“What…? Oh. Saïx.”

He can’t sleep because he’s always got something troubling him. And he startles easily.

“You just do what you want,” said Axel.

“What I want…? I don’t know what I want to do.”

Axel let out a long-suffering sigh. “Well, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. Sleep. And then maybe have a catnap and a snooze after that.”

“But you do that anyway,” said Roxas, still confused.

“Hey, I’d nap six times a day if they’d let me.”

How could anyone sleep that much? Roxas thought. I’d just have dreams that wear me out even more.

“Speaking of, I’d better get to it. Enjoy the break.”

Roxas can’t understand why he wants to sleep so much.

As he turned to go, Roxas grabbed his sleeve. “Wait, Axel…”

“Hey, c’mon, let me get some sleep.” Axel yawned, stretching his arms to emphasize his point.

That was when Xion happened to turn the corner, stopping in her tracks to stare at them. “Uh, what are you two doing?”

“Did you see that paper?” said Roxas.

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna do, Xion?”

Axel yawned again through Roxas’s question. “If anyone cares, I was just getting back to bed.”

“Wh—? Oh. Okay.” Roxas nodded uncertainly as Axel sauntered off without another word. How can he be that sleepy…?

He finds it very unusual how sleepy Axel is all the time, and the novel makes a point of emphasizing this.

“Does going to sleep count?”

“What?! Axel, you wasted your whole day?”

“Hey, I needed the rest! I work hard on the job, unlike some people.”

“It’s not our fault you get tired so quick,” Xion shot back, and the three of them cracked up together.

He gets tired very easily.

“Doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. Everybody’s got secrets.” The smirk hadn’t left Axel’s face, but his voice was low and solemn. “Got it memorized?”

“Secrets…?” Roxas repeated to himself. Do I have any of those?

Xion’s gaze dropped, as if her thoughts were wandering, too.

“Geez, you two. I’m kidding!”

The day he chose to sleep all day was their vacation. It’s the same day Axel brought up his “dark secrets”. He smiled, but his voice was low and solemn. His dark secrets are connected to his memories, and are the reason he doesn’t sleep well.

There was no one here yet. Guess I’m actually early…He was only up at this hour because he’d never gone to sleep, working through the night on his report of the mission in Castle Oblivion. But pulling an all-nighter to finish a report did not gain him a reprieve from missions. He twisted to look up at Kingdom Hearts shining outside the window.

“You’re here early,” said Saïx.

Axel waited a second before rolling over to face him. “So are you.”

“No, I’m not. You’re just usually late.” Saïx took up his usual post.

Saïx tells him he’s always late. Just like Roxas did on the clock tower.

Axel had barely gotten any sleep when he headed in early to the Grey Area. He might as well do his negotiating with Saïx about today’s mission without anyone else to overhear.

He’s torn between Saïx and Roxas and Xion. It’s why he sleeps so poorly.

Axel barely slept a wink thanks to all the thoughts turning in his head. He scowled at the throbbing pain in his temples. These sleep deprivation headaches were awful. Rather than going back to sleep and getting a lecture, he went to the Grey Area before anyone else and claimed the sofa to keep thinking.

Dealing with Saïx not only causes him so much worry he can’t sleep, he gets migraines, too.

Axel walked the hallways, trying to sort out his thoughts.

Another sleepless night. He shook his head slowly to dispel the grogginess, but it persisted as he combed through yesterday’s events.

The Organization wanted to have either Roxas or Xion eliminated. But what could he do about it? That was what Axel had to figure out.

He wanted to find a way to save both of them, to respect both of their feelings. He’d spent most of the night poring over the possibilities, but of course he hadn’t found the answer.

He pulls a lot of all-nighters because of his constant worrying over his friends. If this insomnia goes back to his human days, he probably worried over Isa constantly.

“Ugh, I’ve got enough on my plate.” He groaned, imagining Saïx’s face if he reported all this.

Those days as a trio had been so wonderful. Why did this have to happen?

The memory of his heart twinged. Had the breakdown of a friendship always been this painful? It was hard to tell when he didn’t have a heart anymore.

“Don’t wanna get up…”

But he dragged himself out of bed, taking a huge stretch and cricking his neck. He had to get to the Grey Area early if he wanted to talk to Saïx.

Most likely, today would be another bad day.

I think his inability to sleep was connected to his memories of the experiments, which were directly connected to his worrying over Isa and the pain of his friendship breaking down after Isa changed. He doesn’t want to get out of bed when he remembers how that felt. He tells himself he can’t tell if it was always this painful to lose a friendship, because he has no heart. He does that a lot. But I don’t think it’s that simple.

That means, the nobodies gathered as Organisation members once held strong hearts.

Really? Axel wondered to himself.Did that self in my memories really have a strong heart?Don’t really know.And then, nobodies without hearts wish for only one thing. A heart. If I was asked if I wanted a heart, I guess I’d answer that I did. But, do I really want a heart? Can a heart really fill this hollowness I’ve carried since I fell into existence as a nobody?

The chakras are deficient if they spin slowly. Its why Axel’s Ultimate Gear is called “Rapid Spinner”. His Crown chakra was definitely blocked along with his Third Eye chakra. It’s why he was so indecisive about his true purpose, lacking in joy, and had such limiting beliefs about everything. His problem with this chakra also related to Saïx and his memories of the past.

Shards of emotion, fragments of memory. So alike…but they’re completely different things.

Even if we can hold on to a few fragments of memory, we can’t have the smallest shard of emotion.

Nostalgia… And memory.

We are the ones who lost their hearts—the ones who are no one. Nobodies.

Not light nor darkness—we live in the twilight.

Axel stopped outside the crystal ball room and took a deep breath.

Why are we here? What are we doing?

No—why am I here?

Still asking himself that question, he opened the door.

He asks himself why he’s here when he starts reminiscing about the past. And he is confident he cannot feel any emotions.

The set of his shoulders told him plainly what the answer would be.

Axel realized how great the rift was between how he remembered their past and what he saw now.

Why am I even here? I don’t know anymore. What am I trying to do?

He feels so lost all the time.

But those connections were no more than memories of the past—Axel had never cared about anyone since becoming a Nobody. What was happening? Why was Roxas so important to him? Why was Sora?

He hadn’t cared about anyone since becoming a Nobody.

“Fear’s an emotion. It doesn’t exist for us.”

He truly couldn’t feel anything until he met Sora and Roxas.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Naminé tried to say something and failed.

Nobodies aren’t supposed to exist. Nobodies don’t have hearts, so they can’t feel anything. No… We couldn’t feel anything. Until we met Sora. And Roxas, his Nobody. Why can’t the rest of them see that?

Watching Isa suffer was the main reason he was so emotionally dead inside. He couldn’t feel anything for so many years. Because is friend was so fucked up. If Isa hadn’t been so messed up, he would have been able to nurture a new heart right away, like he did with Roxas and Xion.

After watching them go, Axel stretched and turned to Saïx, expecting to see a scowl. But the expression had left Saïx’s face, leaving him as dispassionate as usual.

Of course, he had been faking it in the first place. Nobodies had no hearts; they only imitated what emotions they remembered. The very proof of their emptiness showed how desperately they each longed for a heart. Axel probably did the same thing himself without noticing, and yet, for some reason, when Saïx did it—or actually, any of the others—it seemed so out of place.

Maybe because it makes me realize how much effort we put into acting like we’re still human, Axel thought. It’s pointless.

Whenever Saïx acts emotionally dead, it makes Axel feel emotionally dead, too. He denies all of his feelings. He does it in the novels all the time. I think he’s being honest. He really has a hard time feeling emotions. He cannot differentiate between emotional numbness caused by trauma, and the lack of a heart as a Nobody. When he grows a heart, his depersonalization is still there because he’s been traumatized so badly. But he doesn’t realize this. He thinks he has no heart and is a bad person.

Roxas slumped over. “Why does he hate her so much…?”

Axel was a bit taken aback. Out of habit, Nobodies might say they liked or hated things, but none of them really had those emotions—not the way Roxas meant.

“What d’you mean by that?” Axel laughed. “You just can’t stop talking like a real person, can you?”

Then Roxas turned to him. “What did I say?” He seemed uncertain, his gaze wandering, and he hung his head again. “I don’t know how real people talk…,” he mumbled.

Roxas must feel like he doesn’t know anything, Axel thought. Well, I don’t have the best handle on things myself, but I’m slightly less clueless.

When the subject of Saïx’s lack of emotional capacity came up, he goes into a dissociated state and his feelings truly are numbed out.

Lea handed over some munny and took the two cones from Scrooge, one of which he gave to Isa.

“It’s cold…,” Isa muttered as he took a bite.

“What’re you talking about? It’s ice cream; of course it’s cold. Got it memorized?”

“Salty, too.”

“But sweet!”As Lea went on, Isa smiled just a bit. It’s rare to see Isa smile. But, well, friendship means eating ice cream together, talking about stupid things, and laughing like this.

It’s why he was so addicted to ice cream. I think it was significant that Isa smiled while complaining it was salty and Lea thinking to himself that Isa smiling was rare. He associated sea-salt ice cream with friendship and Isa being happy and smiling.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed. Not that Saïx was even capable of annoyance or disappointment, of course, what with the lack of a heart and all.

Heading up the slope to the station, Axel bit into the ice cream bar. “This stuff is so salty,” he murmured to himself, as he often did.

Something he never does anymore. He thinks it’s too salty, but eats it anyways. It helps him deal with Saïx’s lack of emotional capacity.

“Yo.”

Axel moved shakily up to Naminé, a hand pressed to his chest, and with a glance up at Riku, bit one of the ice creams she was still holding.

“Now that’s salty…,” he said in a small voice, and sank heavily into the chair. His breath was coming jaggedly.

Naminé rushed over, dropping one of the ice creams in her hand onto the floor.

More ice cream, and more dissociation from his feelings. He eats the ice cream after Saïx tried to kill him. He comments how salty it is here, too.

“Oh. Right… You really can taste the sea salt in this, huh?” Axel turned away, his shoulders shaking.

If he had no heart, then what were these feelings welling up in his chest supposed to be?

Sorrow and…happiness?

Axel didn’t have a handle on it. But maybe not understanding these things was part of having a heart.

I understand why he was so confused and thought he had no heart, despite the fact that he had emotions and was often aware that he did.

His only good friend—his best friend—Axel had arrived with two sea-salt ice cream pops.

During the scene where Axel says goodbye to Roxas, it mentions how he was his only good friend. If he’s thinking that Roxas was his only friend, he was obviously thinking about Isa in this moment, too. Roxas was not his only friend, lol.

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

He did it here, too. He responded sadly and stared at the ice cream in his hand. Axel couldn’t get over his issues until Isa did. They were inseparable.

Let Me Memorize Your Eyes

Chapter Ten: Ding. 

Rating: NR

Chapter: 10 /?

Word Count: 2005

Warnings: Mentions of fire and burn scars 

Notes: Hey!! I am soo sorry it has been so long since the last time I uploaded. I recently moved for school and it has taken a while to get used to everything. Culture shock set in towards the end of week two so that was great.Anyway, I am sorry this is a shorter chapter than I would have liked but, I wanted to post something before 2038. The next chapter will be a good one, I promise and HOPEFULLY up by monday,,, we'll see!

Chapter Summary: In a heated game of Mario Kart, Dan gets a text message. 

[Read on AO3]

[Start at the Beginning]

   For the past two weeks, Dan has been walking Phil back to his flat at then end of every night. It makes the days pass by slow and the nights go by unbearably fast but, Dan wouldn’t change it for anything. Their talks about life and passions; what they want out of their futures and what they hide from their past. It's all been slowly coming out of the boys but, everything they have been hiding from and keeping in the dark is all starting to come to the surface.

   Dan hasn't felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. Carol felt safe but, she lost comfort along the way. Dan felt like he could tell Phil anything and everything; an old movie cliche but, it was true. Phil could make him laugh and smile; just about anything revolving around Phil could make Dan smile though. It was the happiest he has been in a long time and Dan didn’t want to screw it up.

   Dan caught feelings for Phil and ever since he started walking him home, the feelings grew at an alarming rate. It felt like a rollercoaster; going up to the first drop was butterfly filled and then the drop takes your butterflies and makes them completely disappear but it takes everything else with it. Yet when the next drop comes, you just go with it; the anticipation and unknown still remains but, it's a hell of a lot of fun when it’s over.

   Phil was one of a kind and Dan didn’t want to let him slip away;  he laughed at stupid puns and made even dumber ones. He wore mismatched socks and never ties his shoelaces quite right. He had a fringe most days but, secretly wore a quiff when he thought no one would see. He dyes his hair black and it complements his pale skin. He covers his mouth with his hands when he starts to really laugh and he does this weird thing with his hands when he tries to put them in his pockets. Those things were endearing and Dan picked up on them everytime Phil did them. Dan couldn’t help his heart from fluttering when he sees that man smile or say something incredible inappropriate on accident.

   Phil can get his heart racing from zero to a hundred and once it maxes out, it doesn’t go back down. Dan’s face is always flushed and now Becca has picked up on it. She knows they walk back home together but, Dan hasn’t told her anything else. Even though, she asks more about Phil than she does about Dan. She wants the gossip and Dan just doesn't want to give it up. Whatever it is that he has with Phil is something special and unique; it was Dan’s happy place and he didn't want to give it up even if they were just friends.

***

   It was Saturday and Dan actually had the day off. They had managed to find a new hire at the shop, however, Dan had grown partial to the evening shift...or rather the man he got to walk home every night he worked it. But, the schedule did change and Dan didn’t have to work as much anymore.

   He sat in his living room wearing his black Calvin Klein's with a switch remote in his hands racing other players in Mario Kart. He had a glass of tea balancing on the arm of his sofa that’s now gone cold as the races continued, one after another. His curly hair was pushed up in quiff fashion and his eyebrows were drawn together in a scowl.

   “Get out of the fucking way!” Dan screamed at his TV set while waving his left hand in frustration. “Can people learn how to pl-”

Ding.

Dan was in such a rage that he almost didn’t hear his phone beep. He paused the game and looked around for his phone. He knew he was getting to invested into the game when it brought out actual rage so he grabbed his now not-so-hot tea and sat back into the sofa. Reaching over to his left,  he swiped his phone that was laying face down on the spot next to him.

He had a text message.

It was from Phil.

Dan’s stomach dropped and his heart started to race a little faster. His face heated up and he knew that the red patch on his cheek would soon be a key feature to his face.

Phil (with one L): Hey Dan! I know we don’t talk much outside of the cafe but, i was just wondering if you wanted to go do something with me tonight? Maybe a movie? Or even dinner?

Ding.

Phil (with one L): I know it’s Saturday so you probably already have plans

Phil (with one L): so feel free to say no

Phil (with one L): (...)

Phil (with one L):

    Dan’s face was decorated with a smile that only makes its appearance when Phil was involved. Phil just asked him to go out with him,,, well not like out, out but like just go with him to do something and Dan was ecstatic. Any thought of Mario Kart has completely vanished from train of thought and now all he saw was Phil.  

Dan: hey phil! I would love

No, too strong.

Dan: hey phil! I would be

“So fucking excited actually,” Dan said out loud with a huff of breath twiddling his thumbs over the touch screen of his phone instead of texting it out.

Dan: that would be great i dont have any  plans tonight so im all yours

Dan hit send and threw his phone towards the other end of the couch. His stomach was still hovering above his head when his phone beeped. He flung himself over to were his phone was laying and his palms grew sweaty. He picked his phone up and slowly turned it around to view the notification.

Carol: I saw this on the way to work this morning and it reminded me of you

Dan scrolled to see that she had sent him a picture of a Bowser action figure that was laying face down on on the sidewalk.

What the hell?

Dan typed out a quick reply about how that was actually him in his natural form and set his phone back down with the face of the phone resting on the couch.

   Carol and him talk regularly. Things never went south and there wasn't a falling out; they remained friends and even became better at communication now that the pressures of a relationship were no longer present. However, she was not the person that he was looking for a response from at this moment.  

  Dan sat and tapped his foot, twiddled his thumbs, rocked back and forth, did whatever fidget that he could while sitting on the sofa and he still hadn’t gotten a reply back. It was going to drive him mad. Had Phil not liked his reply? Did phil find someone else to go with because Dan took to long thinking about what to say? Did Phil send it to Dan by accident? Maybe he really didn’t want Dan to go with him tonight; maybe it was a mistake.

    Dan hopped up into a standing position and ran his hands through his curly hair. He decided that no matter what or even if Phil replied, he should actually get dressed for the day even if was past noon. He headed for his bathroom and looked in the mirror. He was a mess. His face was flushed and palms where clammy;  he looked like a wreck. He turned his shower on and let the water heat up while he undressed which didn’t take very long because he wasn’t wearing much to begin with. He left his phone sitting in the lounge because he was the type of person that would check his phone a million times even while in the shower just to double check to make sure he didn’t miss the ding of a new message.

   The hot water started to steam and the mirror was no longer a reliable source of reflection. Standing naked, Dan stepped into the shower. The water caressed his body in a gentle manner and his muscles started to relax at the pressure. He let the water cascade down his face, washing away his worry. He ran his hands over his arms and up to his shoulders only to find them in his hair. He opened his eyes and a white mist surrounded him, comforting him. He grabbed the bottle of soap and poured a decent amount onto his palms.

    Reaching back up to his hair, he couldn’t help but see the scars that littered his body. His ribs, shoulders, arms; they all had the remains of severe burn marks. Red and painful at times, his body was a constant reminder of everything he lost and everything that fire took. A flash of red and orange appeared in his eyes; that morning replaying again and again. The screams and faces of those around and the fingers pointing towards the burning bakery. Hearing screams of panic as his grandpa was stuck inside the burning building and the smell of smoke as Dan hurled himself into the flames towards his mentor. Debris falling in flames while the fire took more of Dan’s heart as well as the room. Hitting him as he moved through the heat, the next thing that he remembers is blackness; a nothingness.

   A white light waking him up only to tell him his grandfather didn't make it and the store was reduced to a pile of charcoal. His childhood and local hero was gone and Dan was stuck in a hospital bed; bound and wrapped for burns.

   Staring out of the window that no longer held functionality, Dan was brought back to the present; his present. The shower that once held comfort and worth just felt empty and cold. He turned the water off and grabbed the towel that was sitting on the sink. Drying his scar littered body off, he headed to his bedroom to find something to wear. He settled for a black hoodie, ripped black jeans, and a pair of fuzzy socks. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he then remembered that he was waiting for a text from Phil. He jumped up and basically ran for the lounge; his hands glided across the walls as he sped through. Acting like a school-aged child, he dover for his phone. Scrolling through random notifications from tumblr and twitter; random texts from family, he had not gotten one from Phil. He leaned his head down and sighed.

   The rest of the day, he kept himself busy. He did the laundry and cleaned his room, washed the dishes and put them away. Went to the store to get random things and organized his pantry. Still nothing; no ding or beep or flutter. Dan forgot how tiring having a crush was.

   He sat down on the sofa and decided that he wasn't going to hear back from Phil tonight. He got on tumblr and starting rebloging; dogs, cats, text posts; memes, anything. Once Dan had forgotten about the text, he got one.

Ding.

Phil (with one L): Hey sorry about that, my meeting with the art gallery lasted longer than expected. How’s about we do both? Send me your address and I'll be there at 6!

Dan hastley typed up his address and could have screamed while doing so.

He spent the next 2 hours pacing back and forth and changing his outfit about 5 times only to go back to what he had on originally. He was getting more nervous with every passing second and his curls were getting more prominent the more he got anxious. He tried the internet hoping it would take his mind of things, and it did for a while until he heard his doorbell ring.

Worldbuilding Tangent 3

Part 1 / Part 2 And here’s the section that made me want to start writing about worldbuilding in the first place. Waterfall. And since there’s no way to avoid it, bits of Hotland too. (A reminder that these are my own observations and analysis of the Game’s text  it is still only my interpretation of how this area MIGHT work if we attempt to apply real world systems Undertale’s world. It’s possible that I misunderstood or don’t know enough about the natural systems described and that things couldn’t work that way without some kind of magic, whether that of the Monsters or some natural source of it.) So let’s start off with my theories about Mt Ebbot itself. I think that at one point it was an active volcano. The area must have, in some primordial age of the world, been under high sea levels. There is no way for some of the larger caverns, such as the Snowdin Cavern, to have formed except through dissolution of Limestone over very long periods of time through water. Limestone is usually made from the accumulation of shell, coral, algal, fecal, and other organic debris at the bottom of bodies of water. As water levels receded over time, we were left with layers of limestone. Then at some point a magma chamber beneath the earth had an increase pressure and the magma was driven upwards. Interactions between magma and limestone are can cause extremely explosive eruptions, and its my guess that this caused the formation of what I’m calling the Grand Cavern which contains a huge portion of Waterfall as well as the City of New Home. This would have been a Stratovolcano, which is characterized by multiple explosions of both streams of magma and clouds of ash and thrown fragments. Usually such explosions are massive, and the high pressure of lava streams even underground might even lead to the formation of Lava Tubes. Volcanic activity and limestone would explain the presence of both the numerous crystals that decorate this part of the Underground as well as some the larger smoother areas of the visible caverns. Based on how the path seems to work, my guess is that streams of lava flooded upwards and the lava tubes formed became the main path of Waterfall. Then when the Volcano became dormant and the magma receded to lower areas, surface water began to flow back into the Underground, smoothing over and eroding at the volcanic surfaces of the caves and making waterfall much bigger as lava caves and tubes were opened into various Solutional caves and caverns or areas blasted open by the eruption as well as new layers of igneous rock which were easily eroded. Many speculate that there must be a body of water above this area of the Underground to produce that much constant water. I don’t entirely think so. While its likely that there is a nearby source for a large amount of water, there is so much water in this area that it can’t all stem from that. Part of it actually comes from the river we see in Snowdin. When you enter Waterfall, the river vanishes because you are in tunnels which are walled on one side, and drop off with the falls on the other into an unseen area (Will return to this). The river vanished behind these walls somehow, yet still manages to flow on steadily till it reaches Hotland and then the Core. My guess is that the river is one of several sources for water. Others include natural springs, probably some body of water on the surface such as mountain streams and various small lakes in the area. It is all of these that would allow water to collect in the Underground. Right above the area we travel through is probably a larger reservoir of water. Without such a thing, the water levels of this area would be affected seasonally and the caves would be dry at times, which is not hinted at anywhere. Also, Waterfall is one of the largest sections of the Underground and is significantly darker than other areas. Since the area is on the same level as most of the livable Underground, rather than deeper down, its likely that it sits under the main body of Mt Ebbot, while Snowdin Cavern, the area New Home sits under, as well as the Ruins are all much closer to the edge of the mountain and sometimes lie underneath the foothills and normal ground. This allows for the openings and shafts of light that are present in these other areas, but not so much in Waterfall. So our larger reservoir would collect water and its shores would ebb and flow as the water table was affected. It would also contain large amounts of trash if the visible area of Waterfall is any indication. Its possible that many denizens of this area live around the reservoir and river instead of in the lower tunnels, this would account for a good many monsters supposed to dwell here. We also have another piece of evidence that hints at the existence of multiple levels of the area by remembering that Undyne appears on the opposite side of the river with Papyrus at the beginning of the area. Behind them are some columns formed from limestone deposits as water drips down from above. Later she appears again attacking you through gigantic hand carved columns that line the edge of the dark water. Eventually though, if the reservoir got too low, such as during a drought, the water level in the lower areas would be affected too. Which Onionsan tells us is so with the comment that it gets shallower all the time and that many others have moved to a large Aquarium in New Home, though some are probably just eager to escape the Underground. We also appear to have rather large cliffs with standing water pools, probably a plunge pool or basin formed from the falling water. Other caves appear to hold  huge bodies of relatively still waters allowing for the growth of “Water Sausages” or Typha, grasses of various kinds, and bioluminescent mushrooms and flowers. What kind of wetlands these areas area was a bit tricky to figure out. Since they are in a cave system and there are no trees in this area and limited vegetation and animals, then things like swamps and marshes can be eliminated. A bog was a possibility, until I remembered that unlike the Dark Waters areas which have near black water, one large area has its colors inverted making the land dark due to the light coming from the water. The probably cause of this is due to Bioluminescent Dinoflagellates. Dinoflaggellates are plankton that can be found in many bodies of water such as streams and lakes. But mostly they show up in the ocean. However bioluminescence is rare, and usually only occurs to aid in escape from predators, or to help find food in dark places. We have the dark down, but Bioluminescent Dinoflagellates require relatively stable conditions such as water that is not too cold but not terribly hot, and isn’t flowing too quickly. This along with the difference between the Dark Water area and this one means that this pool is probably somewhat warmer, maybe some very light geothermal activity, or simply the shape or makeup of the cave allowed for it to be just warm enough for Bioluminescence to develop over who knows how long. Since various forms of BIoluminescence are common in dark caves big enough for complex ecosystems, this wouldn’t be too strange. But the necessary warmer temperature rules out bog, swamp, fen, and bayou. Leaving us with a marsh. Since I have no real evidence of a sea or ocean (some people say that you can see one in the distance at the end of the game, but I looked and its too blurry to tell out that far. Could be ocean, could be more land, could be hazy horizon with the setting sun. Who knows.) its unlikely that its a saltwater marsh.  This is doubled by all the fungi, freshwater plants, and such that live here, plus all of the underground gets its water from these connected rivers, lakes, and pools. So we’re left with freshwater marsh. A freshwater marsh is an area that is continuously or frequently flooded and primarily consist of sedges, grasses, and emergent plants. This checks all of our boxes for Waterfall while still allowing for enough stability in certain areas that the Dinoflagellates won’t be disturbed much. There are areas that are still very wet soil that grasses and mushrooms grow on plentifully, along with the clearly magical Echo Flowers. Though no mushroom exactly resembles those found in game, there are many many instances of bioluminescent fungi. The Echo Flowers sadly cannot be explained without magic of some kind, though there are a few very rare flowers that have bioluminescence, nothing but magic could be responsible for the echo mechanism. Also, the glowing of the crystals that make the stars is likely a natural phenomenon and the only mentions we get of them are that monsters have seen them and remember the stars. They are explicitly named as stones instead of the Arachnocampa luminosa gloworm species we are familiar with from the Waitomo Caves. So their glow must be due to some kind of Luminescence. There are several types of natural light minerals can produce, but unless the crystals have a source of light to give them energy, are glowing with intense heat, or are somehow being disturbed constantly and in ways that cause them to break chemical bonds... they’re probably magical. (Unless we want to say that the underground is flooded with Electromagnetic Radiation like Ultraviolet Light, Infrared Light, or X-Rays. I somehow doubt this is the case. Some of these would kill the monsters and any humans. Others would be impossible this far underground.) The light of the stars must be bright enough to allow the Typha to grow. Water Sausages are a resilient and adaptable species, but they must have some light because all studies showed that in total darkness they could no longer germinate. So while magic is probably involved, or this species has evolved greatly from being underground for a long time, this plant needs some light to survive. The Grand Cavern, where New Home is shown in the distance, also gives us a vague and shadowy impression of a lot of open space between you and the city proper. This is likely filled with fields for growing whatever food can be effectively produced in the Underground with limited light from the cavern ceiling, and the glowing crystals. Funnily, various parts of the Typha can be eaten either raw or after cooking and can also be used in medicines. Traditionally it has been used by certain indigenous cultures of British Columbia. This plant is probably a large part of Underground diets. We also see an abundance of fireflies around this area, who are nocturnal and wouldn’t have much problem down here. Finally I return to the countless falls that flow past you and down into the area below which we as players cannot see or reach. It is possible that the waters continue to flow down and erode or dissolve further caves and caverns below, maybe even form a massive lake or being absorbed into the stone and soil and vanishing (this depends on geological conditions down there). Now, while I think there is a great deal more room for monsters to spread out down there, it has a few problems with livability. Our biggest problem is light. Without sources of light such as the crystals or shafts of sunlight or glowing magma, it’s difficult to make a lot of things work. Because the Core is able to produce electricity due to geothermal activity, we know that the entire Underground is powered, so artificial light can be applied to crops and to every home, though clearly not every single section of the Underground. It’s possible that if Monsters found a safe way into the lower depths, they could easily use the extra room and find ways to power everything. But plant life would be scarce and limited to what artificial stuff they could grow or keep alive. It would be far more oppressive than living at higher points, even with an entire group of people you would begin to display serious psychological problems such as loss of spatial awareness or warped sense of time. This wouldn’t be a problem for most of the Underground because there are areas with large amounts of natural sunlight that leak through. But the deeper you go the more dangerous it becomes mentally. However Monster Biology is somewhat of a mystery to us and though they don’t display the strongest constitution when a human attacks with intent in their soul to do harm, perhaps they’d be more able to adapt for such living conditions since geological phenomena don’t usually possess intent to kill (At least...I hope they don’t.) Furthermore you could not only have dwellings at the bottom of the caves, but tunnels and small caves and stairs dug down into the cliffs beneath the waterfalls. The same can be said for the upper falls as well, allowing for far more territory in the area than can be seen by the player. But danger lurks in the future for the Waterfall area. It may not happen quickly, but as the water continues to flow, the stone that makes up the area will erode or be slowly dissolved. One day the roof of this part of the Underground will collapse. If the damage is extensive enough, the entirety of Waterfall could collapse into the deeper areas below we can only guess at and a massive sinkhole could open up on the surface. This process could take decades or happen very quickly. Hopefully there is enough of a rock barrier between Hotlands and any water displaced by said collapse, as such an influx of water and possible boulders of limestone to the Lava Lake could cause Mt. Ebbot to erupt.