in about 5 sessions with my therapist we went from "you can't possibly be autistic because you're not like the nonverbal high support needs teenage boys i worked with in the early 2000s," to me digging up my childhood psychological records from the early 2000s and convincing her, to her presenting my case to her supervisor and her supervisor being like "yeah you had an undiagnosed autistic client on your hands and she needs to be transferred to someone qualified to handle that" lmao

HELLO! Big fan of your Lion Narinder. Any lion behaviour to expect from him? Love your artstyle. What species of Lamb is yours? How do you depict the Lamb, the way you play them, or your idea for fanart? Do you have any outfits reference for those two? Will Narinder ever grow out his mane again? How does the modern AU of them pan out? Does Narinder get released from his chains? What are their favourite weapons and curses? Does Narinder have any side effect from being chained? I got inspired to make one of my Narinders a lion because of you as well, after @bluecheems lion Narinder.

Have a good month come to you and eat your meals regularly.

YES YES THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A CHANCE TO RANT WITH SO MANY QUESTIONS

Any lion behaviour to expect from him?

Once Nari starts getting comfy he will nuzzle the Lamb a lot more, both in greeting but also in an affectionate way. He also roars on occasion!! Mainly on missions or when the Lamb takes him on Crusades and they loose him lol. He’ll groom the Lamb as well, commenting about how dirty they get during crusades and that he could spend his time doing something more productive(The Lamb knows he’s just being difficult. Every time they return Naris waiting to clean them up before they show themselves fully to the cult)

What species of Lamb is yours? How do you depict the Lamb, the way you play them, or your idea for fanart?

The closest I can get to answering the first question is actually a goat! The way I draw my lamb is heavily inspired by the Dreamurr family(specifically Asriel) so really they’re more like a goat with fluffy hair lol. As for how I depict them, well I love me a good codependent relationship turned two assholes learning how to heal.

My lamb sees themselves as the faithful servant to TOWW at first so they don’t speak(unless it’s to Nojular to announce to the others or during sermons), keep their wool short, and focus only on crusades and keeping the cult stable. It’s once they defeat Kallamar that they start opening up. The crown speaking to them gave them a new boost of confidence(and a tad bit of inanity) so they began speaking more, directing the cult, and focusing on their relationship with their followers more then crusading. With the indoctrination of the cults brand new Therapist(No one asked Focalor to do it they just took up the job themselves), the Lamb was able to work through a lot of their issues.

Now with Nari in the cult, they’ve started their ascension into godhood. This takes a big toll on their mental state, causing more murder episodes and mood swings. Nari knows how bad the ascension process can fuck someone up so he’s helping where he can. The Lamb appreciates it a lot.

Will Narinder ever grow out his mane again?

Nari actually likes it short!! The Lamb asks him this same question all the time and Narinder always says he likes it short. Though he does grow out parts just so the Lamb can braid and decorate it.

How does the modern AU of them pan out? Does Narinder get released from his chains?

I have comics and things planned for the Modern AU so stay tuned for those!! I can say that Nari does get released from his chains by the Lamb on accident. Now he has to learn how to live among mortals and the Lamb is marching straight to their Professor to try and learn more about the formerly sealed god.

What are their favourite weapons and curses?

I generally don’t use curses actually!! I prefer things with high speed and high damage so my best answer is that I like Swords!(I despise guns and hammers they so slow for my lambs nimble ass)

Does Narinder have any side effect from being chained?

He has PTSD from the imprisoning battle and gets the phantom feeling of chains on his wrists from time to time. While he likes his alone time he’ll actually cling to the Lamb once he’s spent more time in the cult. He’s terrified of being alone even if he won’t admit it.

Thank you so so soooo much for this long ask I really wanted to info dump lol! I do have my own outfit designs for them and I’ll leave them below(the Lamb is based off of when they first save Leshy from purgatory. The more recent design you see is based off of when all four bishops have been saved. I’ll make a proper reference for it one day lol)

Update post

So a lot has happened.

I finally got my driver's license in February, yay! Much later than any of my peers got theirs, but better late than never. My husband was very patient with me and took me out to practice driving at every opportunity, including having me drive the car when we'd go grocery shopping and run other errands. I took the driving test on the day we started dating 15 years ago, so after I passed we celebrated by having a dinner date at one of our favorite restaurants.

My husband started a new job that pays better than his previous one, and his new employer is a decent human being, unlike his previous employer.

I'm trying very hard to get back into crocheting so I can reopen my Etsy shop. One of my best friends has commissioned me for some art and a very large crochet plush doll of their favorite anime character, so I was able to invest in more of the yarn I use for things like the Ralsei amogus dolls. I've got a few ideas for new-ish things to put in there but first I have to make them lol. I'm currently working on a commission project for someone who wants a crochet doll of their dinosaur sona. The pattern I'm working from is a little confusing but I find that the phrase "trust the process" is good advice in this situation.

My chronic pains have gotten worse, but I stay determined and keep going out of spite. I'm seeing one of my doctors today for an exam that I'm way overdue for and I'm frankly very nervous about the potential results. Either they'll find something and we'll have to figure out treatment from there or they won't find anything and we'll be back to square one trying to figure out what's going on with me.

I'm supposed to be starting cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist soon, so I'm looking forward to that. She warned me it might be difficult and at times uncomfortable but I think I can handle it and I'll let her know if I can't.

I still keep having episodes of existential dread that sometimes escalates into panic attacks but my therapist is going to try to help me get that under control. One of my other workers had me create a "coping card" with a bunch of questions I need to ask myself but often forget to ask when I'm having an episode like that so I can look at it and figure out what I need to do to calm down. I might put those questions in another post for y'all.

I think that's about it for now but I might update if I think of anything else.

Stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

how do you have the time to write all this stuff /and/ play video games etc etc at the same time? Is it just that you write insanely fast after all these years? I have a lot of hobbies, writing being one of them, and i have such a hard time juggling them lol.

Hi anon,

So, real talk -> The reality is I don't have the time to write and play video games at the same time most of the time.

I haven't written anything since the 17th. I haven't started the next Palmarosa chapter. I'm on day 8 of not having opened a new document and writing anything.

I've edited a whole two chapters (which I suspect I have to go over again) and I've responded to some comments and asks, and that's it. No writing, no growing wordcount, I've been stagnating / not doing anything due to burnout since the 17th (I know the date because I have a giant whiteboard of completed chapters next to me).

Honestly, most of the time I don't actually have the time to read, play video games, watch television, or movies. I am too busy writing/editing/sleeping. With Toby in the mix, the small amount of media I was consuming has vanished.

Sometimes I can play certain video games while writing - these are usually low stakes video games I can endlessly put on pause and then play for five minutes at a time, like Dorfromantik and Garden Galaxy. Any kind of idler video game, like Havendock is also good for this.

Anon, you can't have a lot of hobbies and actually keep up with them and write the way I do, and therapist/s wouldn't recommend you drop all of your hobbies to write the way I do anyway. Trust me.

I had two things I wanted to start learning this year, and I haven't started learning them yet. I don't have the capacity. I had a therapist gently point out to me that if I was always at 100 in terms of output, how can I have any energy leftover for self-work and processing? The answer is: I don't. (That's actually why I've spent a week playing video games, and if anything it's just reminded me that my capacity is still at 100 and this is going to take a bit of concerted decompression).

Most of the time it's not normally quite this overwhelming. Toby has just maxed me out because he's a high energy dog who is also a puppy with Separation Anxiety, and there's no quick or easy fix for that. But most of the time it's still very intense. The list of shows I really want to watch, and books I really want to read, is very long. But I often don't have time to indulge in those things because I'm too busy writing.

A lot of the time I don't actually have the time to reread my own fics anymore, outside of editing.

This year was meant to kind of tackle that more decisively but you know then we got a puppy so... not so much.

But yeah anon, there is no 'how do you do this and do this' - you don't do one of those things, or you do it very haphazardly, in small amounts.

I do write very fast (my wordcount is 120-150wpm), but I don't edit fast (I'd tender that editing fast for most people is a bit of an oxymoron), I don't answer asks fast (some of the longer ones take me an hour to compose), etc. And even then, writing fast is not the same as the time it takes to think out the chapter, to figure out what's happening, letting it percolate etc. A lot of my life is also just resting. I lose about 2-5 hours of every afternoon to sleep or rest for example, where nothing productive happens. And I think one of the reasons I read so many manwha atm is that they're so easy to read comparatively, and so quick, and that's the only way I can really consume stories these days.

hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?

ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.

it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X

do you mind talking about what made effexor so bad for you? also where can I read about this streamer fake death lol

all the stuff on thedarkid is on SA in the sagas thread lol. i would prefer not to post a link bc the quality of new posters is at an all time low on that website and i dont want to contribute to the problem.

AS FOR EFFEXOR: i am prefacing this with the fact that this is my personal experience as a result of my body chemistry. effexor might work for some people with different body chemistry. my suggestion would be to try everything else first before resorting to this one and to be ready to feel really, really bad when discontinuing it.

i got off effexor because the negatives of taking it finally outweighed the positives and the problem i had been taking it for was no longer relevant. this will make me sound ridiculous so keep in mind i took crazy meds for this exact problem, but after we bought and moved into the house, i started having nightly panic attacks and weeping fits over both the decadence of my new non-renter lifestyle (which was materially going to impact the quality of my work and how i viewed reality) and the fact that i had taken a really big step toward commitment without having resolved the source of my deep social anxiety. i could realize how i was behaving and reacting was not normal and until i could get a therapist to address it, i was going to have to put a bandaid on it.

effexor flattened my emotions and my affect lol. this is really, really good for when you cannot reach a baseline of normality. this became bad when that flatness turned into apathy and started sliding into my day to day life. doing basic household chores became a daily struggle. then i started not making my deadlines on time because i completely lost the will to draw, which actively began to terrify me. and then once i started struggling to bathe and brush my teeth i was like "okay. something is really really wrong". so then i started the process of getting off.

that's the broad overview. i did not realize the extent of the damage it was causing me until i started getting it out of my system:

my sleep schedule was destroyed bc it gave me terrible insomnia.

night sweats. NIGHT SWEATS.

theres been a rash on my face for over a year that ive thrown EVERYTHING at to try to get rid of, thinking it was anything from lupus to a yeast infection. it turns out its just caused by the pill. it goes away when theres less in my system o_o

my lip was also split for a year. my gums were covered in sores. and the inside of my nose felt like someone put a weed whacker in there and sliced it up. huge scabs. constantly in tiny flecks of pain. miserable but not unbearable, you know?

pussy felt like sandpaper.

i didnt even notice this until later but it also made me fail to derive pleasure from the touch of another person. but like i wanted to. if someone held me or squeezed my hand it felt almost painful. shit made no sense but you just think "this isnt how its supposed to feel? whats wrong with me?". but like that's over. it stopped. it feels good again.

food tasted bad. and i dont mean no flavor i mean BAD. i say this a lot but i cannot understate how fucked it made my palate. its normal again thank god. i have a bag of coffee that tastes different depending on when the last time i took a pill was. i spent the last year complaining about how bad processed food tastes now like all companies decided to make their product bad instead of something being wrong with me specifically. but when adam's cooking started to taste bad i was like "wait. what? thats not possible". lol thanks honey for helping me realize....

this one is really weird: it would cause specific parts of my body to feel stiff. the worst and most chronic part was the small of my lower back, which felt pulled taught so tight it was uncomfortable. then it spread to the fingers of my right hand, causing me to have to stop every few minutes and scrunch my fingers to try to alleviate it. this symptom only returns after i take a dose now. it makes me thrash like a fish trying to get comfortable at night

'2] Anxiety when dating became a signal that I had inner work to do. Not that I should just ignore it, or have a shot of tequila to settle the nerves. I used to date men I believed where out of my league, because my confidence was in the gutter. My anxiety led me to building my confidence'

hi, how did you navigate this? sorry to trauma dump lol but i really do want to work on this, but my parents got divorced when I was a child bc my dad got involved with another woman so that's given me intense fear and anxiety in my own relationships-- so much so that my man could simply just talk to another woman and have an innocent conversation or laugh with her and I'll feel extremely threatened and anxious and will go into complete fight or flight mode. i've even given myself anxiety attacks sometimes when i've been overthinking his friendships with women. it really sucks and I have no idea how to get rid of it. so i just would like to know how you did this inner work on anxiety in relationships please as I really do want to work on this and become more securely attached

Hey sweetie! I actually went through a similar thing with my parents when I was 15, it didn't leave me fearing I would be cheated on, however my dads absent presence from being in my life but not fully involved left me feeling like I was never enough. I'll condense down my healing, and hopefully it can help you fast track what you are dealing with now so you can move on with your life without this painful anchor. 1] Therapy. I literally could not see, or make sense of my destructive habits and patterns until I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is not a therapy that goes on for years, it's usually around 8-12 weeks and really helps target your anxious behaviours especially in relationships. 2] I did an Akashic record healing, which revealed to me the traumas I had carried from past lives and I worked with the Akashic healer to remove the traumas. Hands down this completely changed my life. This trauma you have could be felt much deeply because it could be something from a past life. I don't know if you believe in that stuff, but if you do it's definitely worth investigating. 3] I learnt to understand my needs. What do I need? Is this a man who can meet my needs? Are you choosing men that reassure you, or are you choosing men that reinforce your insecurities? Have you identified what you need in a relationship, from a man? If not, this is something to spend some time figuring out. 4] I let go of the struggle story. The story of not feeling enough, not trusting, not feeling wanted. This meant, I stopped gossiping with friends about by dating life which helped so much because speaking about said guy constantly was draining, especially when things would inevitably go south. The more you speak on your struggle, the more you are speaking your struggle into your future. As soon as I stopped gossiping about my failing dating life, some shifts started to happen. I spoke to my therapist, or one trusted friend. But other than that, I learnt that speaking on the bad news is not how I thrive in this life. 5] I deepened my relationship with God. This removed 99.9% of the men I was entertaining. I chose to see God as my father, and my dad as my earthly father, someone who is human, makes mistakes and it really softened my hurt and pain towards my dad. Also my relationship with God, helped me filter out the men I was entertaining. Was I choosing men that appeared good on paper, or men who shared the same values as me? And with that answer, there was a shift. 6] I worked on forgiveness. This was HUGE. I wrote a list of every single person who hurt me, i would recommend starting with your dad, and anyone else at the top of the list and write down what happened, what you felt and visualise forgiving yourself and forgiving those involved. This is a very healing process, it wasn't a quick thing. But if you can focus on forgiveness in your healing you'll be clearing out the roots of this issue completely. I hope these points resonated xoxox

Teach me! - y/n and company

Tighnari × GN reader

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y/n l/n

Third year at the Akademiya University (or just Akademiya for short), you've settled in nicely after moving to Sumeru City two years ago, fleeing a bad relationship with your parents. Unfortunately, you picked the first major you could get your hands on to get here and so ended up with one containing a lot of math and science - which you could usually manage before this dreadful year...

Lumine and Aether

Second years at the Akademiya after a year at Teyvat University, Lumine and Aether are your best friends. You met them right after moving to Sumeru City and it's like you guys grew up together. Global communications majors, everyone knows them and someone always has a favor to ask them. They find it hard to say no.

Ayaka

Second year at the Akademiya and a fashion design major, she is the sweetest soul you ever met and always has your back. The twins introduced you and she has been part of the friend group ever since. Ever the optimist, she tries to get you to see the glass half full even when it's difficult. She has made everyone in the group custom clothes at least once and would've made even more if you hadn't stopped her before she got burnt out-

Kazuha

Second year at the Akademiya, biochem major. He's your roommate and the first person to make you feel at home in the new city. He's the one who introduced you to the twins. His Twitter account is dedicated to drama, and he can be a tad too nosy for his own good, but his blackmail folder has never failed you.

Xiao

Third year at the Akademiya, a philosophy major and Kazuha's childhood friend. It's almost impossible to get him to use his main for anything, but he will complain about the smallest things in the most angsty way on his priv. It's a small celebration everytime he does tweet on his main, and Childe buys everyone drinks. He bonded with you over shitty bio parents and is now one of your most loyal friends.

Yanfei

Second year at the Akademiya, Yanfei pursues a criminology major. She is the one to go to whenever you're in trouble with the law - and hypothetically would help you get away with murder if you feed her well enough. You both met at a party away from the group, where you pet the house dog together for three hours while chatting. She often has to be the voice of reason but prefers going along with whatever bit the group has going on.

Childe

The oldest of the group. He dropped out a year ago and has been selling spicy pics on his onlyfans, making bank in the process and earning himself the title of the group's sugar daddy. He often offers to pay for everyone, despite the rest of you insisting that he paid three times in a row and you want to treat him instead. While he can be childish (👁👁) he is still a really good therapist friend and can make you laugh easily when you're upset.

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Teach me!

masterlist - sumeru gang

▪︎Synopsis ➤ You’ve been attending the Akademiya for some time now, but for some reason this year is harder than the others. You’re failing almost everything regarding math and science. Your biology teacher, Ms. Rukkhadevata, offers the help of Tighnari, her TA... Let’s just hope he’s nice.

a/n: I know the gang is not from sumeru but I wanted y/n to have a group of buddies already, so there you go lol ALSO I MESSED UP AYAKA'S ACCOUNT IS PUBLIC

I only have 2 headmates and idk how to get along with them :(

For context they're both OCS (one old, I made her in 3rd grade and one is new- made very recently) and they unfortunately know that. The issue is that all of my ocs have bad things happen often and I imagine they hate me for that

They also hate each other's guts for other reasons but it just sucks not having any peace

Hmm… we know it can be really really hard to get along with other headmates sometimes! And your headmates being OCs probably really complicates the situation, huh?

We have a little note that we keep with us when we’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck in memory time:

(ID in alt text!)

This really helps us when we’re starting to feel guilty for not handling our childhood trauma better, or feeling like we’re never going to be good enough because of what happened to us, or trying to bear the weight of our history on our shoulders all the time! Our therapist told us the mantra and we wrote it down to keep handy :3

This helps us deal with painful childhood memories… But! we really feel like this sort of message may help people with exotrauma or painful exomemories too! >w<

As writers and creators, it’s okay to put your characters in difficult or traumatizing situations!! It comes with the territory of being an artist!! And you shouldn’t have to put a stop to that or feel guilty about it just because your OCs developed into headmates!!

But for your headmates…. It makes sense that this stuff will bother them! It makes sense that they might have to process exotrauma because of some decisions made by their creator (you!). It’s possible to allow them space, to support them on this process, and to recognize that you may have made choices regarding their histories… but that doesn’t make you at fault even one bit!!

Exotrauma can be really tricky and also icky to navigate! We have alters with exotrauma in our system and it’s been a wild ride helping them process it while other members process real-life trauma! But being willing to help and listen, not judging your headmates for feeling certain ways about their circumstances, and understanding where their apprehension comes from could all really help you be there for them when they need it!!! Does that make sense to you? Idk if I’m using “apprehension” right lol but I mean like their wariness or cautiousness or unwillingness to put the past behind them and get to know you!

Speaking of getting to know you… maybe y’all should try conducting interviews to get to know each other!!

I made this headmate interview form a while back! it’s a fun, laidback way for headmates and alters to start learning about each other as they are now, not as they once were!!

Could y’all perhaps spend some time conducting lighthearted, low-stakes interviews to figure out what each other likes and what they are like? And once you have a good idea, you can start going out of your way to do nice things for each other!!!

If we’ve learned anything in therapy, it’s that kindness, apologies, forgiveness, and compassion can be amazing tools for coming together as a team!! Our frequent fronter group is able to work together the way we do because of this!! Like this time last year, I never would’ve dreamed I’d ever cofront with Kandi to work together on art or posts and stuff… but here we are!! And it’s all thanks to learning more about each other and daring to show each other compassion even when we didn’t want to!! :333

So in the end, we don’t know for sure what will help y’all reach a mutual understanding and stop hating each other…. But we can give you advice for what’s helped us in the past! We still have alters who hate each other (ahhhhh) but at least we’re making progress!!! And that’s what counts!! We Can Move Forward!! And we believe y’all can too!! >w<

💚 Ralsei and 🦇 Alucard (or Kandi - bats got two names and likes them used interchangeably!)

Hope!Hob and Dream have a baby AU

Yesterday I was Thinking Thoughts(TM) on the discord server and I came up with this AU so…. Here it goes!

Dream and Hob have been in a relationship for a few years now. They are very good for each other, but still haven’t completely opened up about some things. That leaves a few subjects completely untouched, one of them being children.

Hob starts having dreams about raising a child with Dream. He knows Dream can see his… well, dreams, but also knows that he likes to give Hob his privacy.

The dreams become more and more frequent, and Dream doesn’t know what to think about it. They don’t touch on the subject during waking hours, and Dream watches Hob’s dreams from the outside.

They can’t ignore it anymore. The dreams are a daily occurrence. Hob is starting to get attached to their dream baby.

Dream wants Hob to be happy and knows this is something they both want deep down. He decides, because he’s a self sacrificing suicidal dense fuck, to visit Mother Night and trade in his own immortality for an immortal child.

Death saves him last minute because damn bro you’re fucking stupid did you forget I’m right here?????

Hob is livid that Dream would decide to trade in his own life to give him a baby. He only wants to have a kid if Dream wants it too, but the both of them have a lot to work through if they ever want to consider it.

Death gathers the rest of the siblings. This is getting messy, they need to do something about it. Surprisingly, Desire actually does feel for Dream, and suggest the unthinkable: Dream and Hob need to go to therapy.

No human therapist could possibly help them! Except, Desire knows one. Dr Linda Martin to the rescue!

Dream and Hob start working through their child related issues. Death and Desire team up to find a way that an immortal child could be a possibility without them breaking any cosmic rules.

Hob and Dream decide to take matters into their own hands. Dream takes Hob into the Dreaming, where they decide to make their child out of dreamstuff mixed with Hob’s blood.

The whole process nearly gets them killed (only doesn’t because it is technically impossible).

Death and Desire go to their aid.

The Hecate show up. Everyone is terrified the worst will happen.

Actually… Hob’s blood had more than just man made immortal stuff. It had so much hope into it that when fused with the dreamstuff, it managed to create a whole new thing.

Hob ascends into Hope. Having now unlocked his powers, he can finish the process, giving birth to Defiance of The Endless. Because Hopes and Dreams aligned are able to defy the laws of the universes to foster life.

Dream and Hob decide to raise their baby both in the Dreaming and in the Waking. Hob is now Lord of the Waking World, and Defiance is the bridge between realms.

They name the baby Diana, because Hob likes the whole “D” names thing, and after Lady Di, his favourite royal.

So this is it! Fanfic Speedrun I guess lol

I was gonna be like "would you believe it's my 10th one of these" but apparently tumblr has a CHARACTER LIMIT now????? why would they nerf me on the year I decided not to worry about how long it was

anyway I guess I'm splitting this in 2 so reflections on 2023 part one~

let's start with work bc then I want to be done with it: I spent all year doing trainings (& 2 conferences) and researching and preparing to apply for an advisor position if it ever opened up. it did open up in spring, I applied and did not get it, the new advisor was not good and got fired, I applied again having done much more training and still did not get it, I applied for a different advisor position trying to triumphantly leave my office and did not get that either. so now I’m still in my same position working under the person who beat me for the job but this time with a bunch of extra responsibility that I gave myself trying to prep to be promoted. lol. if I sound very bitter it’s because I am :)))) 

all that being said, I do still mostly like my job from day to day. and I still want to do advising, probably. if they’ll ever hire me for it

related to work but less bitter: I had mostly good relationships with my coworkers. one of them was pregnant for a lot of the year and just had her baby last week and I’m very excited to meet her (we went to her baby shower despite all her friends being Very Christian lol it was a time) (this coworker is uhhhh A Lot but it’s complicated lol). I got to be on the hiring committee for another coworker which was a cool experience and also she is very nice. got closer with another coworker who I previously had kind of a tenuous relationship with (and now she works fully remote so it doesn’t even matter) (jk)

another thing I did in my quest to Be Hireable was basically take over supervising the student leaders (work study students) at work. shoutout to esteban, isa, aar and sheri lol

I have inherited my mother’s trait of getting attached to problem children. there are several students who are a recurring Thorn In My Side but also I’m rooting for them

last work thing that is only tangentially a work thing: I became the advisor for GSA at my campus and now I have a bunch of queer college students under my wing. a few of us walked in pride which was my first time being in the parade and it was wild. also we had an event for trans awareness week and I am proud of them for coming up with it :)) more exciting things to come this year. feels good to have a little corner where I can provide support in the face of so many attacks from the FL govt

let’s get the other big bad thing out of the way! my mental health was shit lol. I briefly was doing virtual appointments with a therapist in the spring but it mostly just made me feel weird and untherapizable. (as in, I didn’t feel like I was getting much out of it but I think part of that was that it was zoom calls from my car on my phone during lunch breaks) although it did lead to me leaving my phone outside of the bedroom at night and putting timers on my apps which I think have been net positives even if they haven’t made as much of a difference as I hoped. 

the aforementioned job stress was a huge part of it, the application process lasted like 2 months and then they left me on the hook after the interview for Multiple Weeks which was. a bad time.

another part of it was I was alone a lot on weekends and I’m not very good at using my time off to do fun and nice things when I’m by myself, usually I end up just stewing in my brains. I did try to get in the habit of occasionally going to these nice gardens near us so maybe I will do that more this year also.

also health related: got my first mammogram this year. it was uncomfortable but fine. also got my first pap smear which was QUITE PAINFUL AND UNPLEASANT but I did survive it

also tangentially health related: I tried a few times throughout the year to do yoga. for a lil bit I was doing it with some coworkers after work once a week. some of it I did with some people from the carry on discord. it was very intermittent but better than nothing at all!

last health thing: my dad’s siblings had an Exceptionally Shitty Summer. one of his sisters died, another of his sisters had an extreme staph infection and was in the hospital for weeks, and one of his brothers had a mini stroke and possibly also a heart attack? the latter two are doing okay now but it was rough for a minute there

ENOUGH BAD STUFF I turned 30 this year! three full decades on this earth

Ingrid got her work authorization and a job and later in the year her green card!

I paid off my car (and also my car is having a lot of minor problems but that’s just… having a car)

I made a few financial mistakes (messed up our taxes, accidentally got a best buy credit card) but they are hopefully still fixable and overall we still saved money by the end of the year. we tried to keep a budget for a while but it was hard to keep up with. we also tried to join a credit union but their customer service was really weird

made a halfhearted attempt at local politics (went to a few protests, one city planning thing, and one socialist alternative meeting)

stay tuned for part 2 since tumblr hates me apparently

oh I have a story to share!!

idk if anyone remembers, but I've been trying to sell some of my Pokemon cards for several months now. I tried selling them to a place that I've sold cards to in the past, but they didn't give me a good offer for them. I was originally promised over $2100 but was told I would only get $950. so I had the cards sent back to me, and they were just sitting around for a while.

well, we have a local game shop that apparently buys cards. my dad went there and told them the situation several weeks ago, and he said it would be better for me to sell my cards there. so this last Tuesday, my dad and I finally got to go there. I handed them my cards and told them my situation. I also asked the guy there what was wrong with my cards since I'd been told they weren't in good enough condition (despite living their entire lives in protective sleeves).

y'all. the guy told me that "near mint" cards are pretty much impossible to find. simply because the cards are usually manufactured incorrectly (the cutting process is usually what screws them up). so any little knicks or "edging" on the cards lowers their value.

I legit felt SO much better hearing that honestly. I was so afraid that I'd done something wrong without knowing it, but no, it was completely out of my hands.

so after all of that, the guy said he'd look over my cards and get me an estimate within 24 hours. having waited for nearly a MONTH before hearing back from the other place, I gladly left my cards there. sure enough, I got a call the next day with an estimate. he said, as expected, not all of the cards were near mint, but were in better condition than I had been told before. he said he would give me $1200 for the lot, which was significantly more than I was gonna get from the other place.

not only that but I was given the money immediately. I have the money right now. I wasn't expecting the whole thing to happen so fast, but it did. I'm so grateful that it's over and I can finally move forward with things. I can reopen my bank account. I can start my art commissions. I can finally feel like a proper adult again \o/

also the money thing happened literally right before my therapy session, and my therapist was so thrilled for me that she enabled me into getting myself a reward with my new money LOL. so I ordered myself the Mara Jade black series figure and some epoxy clay so I can mod her into my MLWTBB self-insert 😁

praise the Lord for getting me this far \o/

how do i get my therapist (who has experience working with autistic ppl) to stop viewing me through a neurotypical lens?

when I brought up that I'm struggling to show up to a social function due to a number of factors (overwhelming loud environment, not knowing them that well, not much time to recoup after an overstimulating workday), she said I was engaging in "negative self-talk" and needed to think more positively. I've heard this from other therapists too but I really don't see the self-esteem angle.

or when i mentioned I've been suffering from insomnia, and mentioned that I make lists to help me fall asleep (eg: something with my special interests, like list the entire taylor swift discography, lol), she said that was definitely the reason I couldn't fall asleep because it requires too much focus (even though I'd been doing that for years as a method and the insomnia part is new...). she said i need to "clear my mind" instead when that's never worked for me.

i know the correct answer is "find a better therapist" but i just. they're ALL like this from my experience. and i guess i'm just wondering what some other red flags might be in a therapist who specifically works with autistic clients.

thank you for taking the time to read this, i know this is a long question so no pressure to respond! xx

Yeah, it sounds like it's time to hit the bricks. This therapist sounds invalidating, dismissive, and not at all introspective about their own assumptions and process.

Have you tried telling them that their view of you and your way of functioning is colored by really neuronormative assumptions? How do they respond to disagreement or challenge in general? Do they respect you? Have they demonstrated that they can self-reflect and apologize when they get things wrong? If all or most indications point to no, this therapist is not just useless to you, they're actively harmful, and I think you probably ought to stop wasting time and money being exposed to their feedback.

As for the fact that nearly all therapists appear to be like this -- that is by design. The entire enterprise of psychiatry and psychology is to impose a neuronormative standard onto all people, and to attempt to correct for any deviance from that standard that is observed. Therapists are overwhelmingly privileged people who have not been trained to consider factors of systemic oppression and exclusion, and in fact these dynamics are often ones they do not comprehend. Therapists are bad at being compassionate and helpful toward Autistic people because psychology as a field philosophically does not see us as okay as we are. So you will likely run into this problem again and again.

The only good therapist is one who is willing to betray the most oppressive norms of the field, and that's a rare thing. You will likely have to grill potential therapists on their knowledge and understanding of neurodiversity before you hire them in order to determine if they would be a good fit. It's exhausting and people often find it scary, but just remember that they work for you, and there is no reason for you to be paying someone to tell you that you're defective.

(Of course, there might be some benefits that you find you are receiving from therapy, even with this person's many flaws, and if that's the case, by all means stick with them if you think it balances out. Trust your own judgement. I'm just a cranky ideologue on the internet I don't know your life. Tho neither, it seems, does this therapist).

how did your move go? how is the diet? are you seeing your RD and therapist still?

The move was okay. I’m not happy about being in a new apartment as I had created my own little safe space in my previous apartment. I’m trying to make it be that way in my new place but I think it might take awhile. The actual process of moving was awful. I did most of it completely on my own. My brother said he’d come on Wednesday to help and, of course, said he had to wait until Friday. He did the heavy lifting and cleaned the carpets (his day job is a carpet cleaner) and that’s it. He was upset I hadn’t done more when he came on Friday and then sat on the couch on his phone while I hand carried things to my new place. Up and down the stairs probably over 100 times altogether. Now that it’s all done I’m supposed to get my deposit back. I should have gotten it on Tuesday. Then he said I’d have it by end of day Friday. I still don’t have it. This guy (landlord) is such a jerk with the way he treated me and now he’s dragging his feet?! Fuck him!

Diet-not that great. Good news is that’s helped me reduce b/ping. Bad news is I’ve only lost a third of what I should have by now and it’s making me feel like such a failure. It’s based on inflammation and eliminating foods and slowly reintroducing them but I’m at the beginning (should only be three weeks on this level but I’m adding a fourth) and it’s very restrictive which is bad for both my b/ping and restriction. I understand all that. I know this hasn’t proved to be helpful so far but I also keep messing up. The ed part of me thinks about what could happen if I did a week with no slip ups. What would that look like? And I’m close to my first (very small) goal. It would be amazing to reach that and maybe set up some momentum. I don’t know. It’s all bullshit but I’m so desperate.

Yes, I am still seeing my dietitian and therapist. It’s been tough because they know about this diet and obviously don’t approve. It’s a lot of back and forth. At the same time I feel like we’re really get down to the deepest levels of my trauma, sort of. By that I mean, I don’t think it’s safe to get to the to the absolute core of it yet (my opinion) but we’re working on very relevant stuff and it’s hard but it also feels good when I can recognize that’s my experience and I’m not just ‘pretending’. It’s validating. Facing everything hurts, especially because I can see how it has infiltrated every part of my life.

I’m rambling, lol, but that’s my update on things at the moment!

9, 12, 21, 31 for the questions ask :)))

HELLO <333

9. What is your biggest accomplishment?

Hmmmm. That's a toughie. I feel like I could say things like my degree or career or like, my growth as a person and how I view relationships and my own self worth... which are all fine and good and all but ehhh I feel like a lot of that just came with life (well, not the degree. That one was a lot of time and money). TBH I feel like my biggest accomplishment has probably been learning and sticking with guitar. It almost seems silly to consider it my biggest accomplishment, but it's a hobby that I've gotten so much joy and connection out of, it feels important. And I think because it's a hobby is part of why it feels like an accomplishment to me. I have to work to survive. I had to go to school. I had to get better at communicating and setting boundaries. But I play because I want to. Because I love the process of learning new songs and new chords and new techniques. Because I love sharing music and creating music with the people around me.

Idk. That feels big to me.

12. Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

Oooh, SO MANY places!! Probably Italy, or Kenya, or Indonesia!! They have such cool bugs in Indonesia.

21. Who knows you best?

Another toughie! I feel like it's a split between my close friends and my family. Which, kind of feels like a cop-out answer lol. Like, no duh! Who else would know someone best besides their close friends and family? I guess like, a romantic partner or a therapist.

I say both because I feel like my friends and my family are both deeply familiar with different aspects of myself. It's all still me, but we are all multi-faceted people who act just a little different depending on the environment and who we're talking to, and I'm no different! My family has years of experience, my friends have no preconceived notions of who I'm supposed to be-- family tends to get stuck on ideals of personhood ime.

So they both know a side of me best. My family member who knows me best is probably my sister and my friend who knows me best is probably the one I've known since we were like 6.

31. Describe yourself with 3 singers.

THAT'S HARD. Okay wait, like 3 singers based on songs or appearance??? Individual singers or bands?? Singers whose songs I can sing or whose songs feel like describe me?????? Uhhhh okay I'll go with (in no particular order):

Haley Heynderickx-- since I just rambled about how important playing guitar is for me and people that I'm close to, I'll pick Haley for her song, The Bug Collector. It's a song that I do a cover of on guitar. It is one of the more technical songs I'm able to do and it took a long ass time to learn it. I sing it well, it was introduced to me by one of my closest friends (arguably the one who knows me best) I relate to the lyrics AND I love bugs. BAM. Relevant to every question.

Don McLean-- I stole my name from his song lol. It's also one of my faves to play with my dad.

I'll say Passion Pit because their album Gossamer was my middle school crying album and you know what I was right for that. That's a good ass album.

I, as it happens, have been having a bit of a rubbish day. So what a cheer-up moment it was for Jacob to be the first character I saw in Casualty tonight! I needed that.

Charles Venn is an incredible actor. I feel like I say that every time Jacob is at all the focus, but it's always relevant! There was a lot of excellent character work for Jacob tonight. Even the scenes at the beginning with him running into the building were great - it's amazing how much more I like those kinds of scenes when Jacob has them than when Iain does. (On that note, I kind of like that we seem to be getting more stunts again. I didn't really miss them that much, but it's still nice to go "wow, look at those special effects" every now and again.)

The bit when he went to apologise to Danielle was also really good. Great writing, great acting.

Also, I got yet another reminder of why I like Iain a lot more when he's Jacob's supportive best friend than when he's doing anything else. He bounces off Jacob in their scenes really well, it makes him so much more likeable. Jacob being the focus and Iain as a supporting character > Iain being the focus and Jacob as a supporting character, any day.

I've been wanting a Dylan and Stevie friendship for a long, long while. I think I'm finally getting it, so yay!! Like Jacob and Iain (on a good day when Jacob is at the centre), Dylan and Stevie bounce off each other really well. Tonight, with Stevie going to Dylan's boat, reminded me of Jac's trip to find out why Henrik had been absent from Holby. Like Henrik and Jac, I think Dylan and Stevie see a lot of themselves in one another, which initially led them to dislike each other but can now become a friendship.

Also, it'll be hilarious and gleeful if Faith has unintentionally caused Stevie - who Faith has been able to control for a long time due to being like her only friend - to make another, better friend in Dylan.

I felt really sorry for Dylan and how sad he was. William Beck was great. Tonight did seem to verge closer to a retcon, but I'm not assuming this will go into a "Dylan doesn't know he's autistic" rewrite yet - if we get even one line where he's like "I've thought I am for a long time, but I never saw the point in getting a diagnosis" and that now because of Patrick using it against him, he's thinking again, I'll be fine with it and won't say it's a retcon.

Rash's story was very good. Neet Mohan was great once again. And I think this isn't the last we, or Rash, will see of his therapist Uma. If that means Rash does get more therapy after all, good.

Siobhan mentioning "the CEO" without naming a name (unless I didn't hear it; my auditory processing hasn't been great)... that feels either like building up to a new CEO of Holby or to Henrik coming back. I really hope it's the former. I don't want Henrik appearing. His character has been wrecked too much. Besides, we already have a substitute for Henrik who can do anything Henrik would when it comes to management...

Patrick really reminded me of Henrik tonight. His management style is very similar. For some reason, tonight also reminded me that Patrick's actor, Jamie Glover, also played Angus Ferrell on Holby. Lol.

I love Nicole, still. She can light up any moment of the show. What a great character.

I'm kind of surprised with myself for not being able to think of much more to say, I must just be tired. But yeah, it's great to see Jacob, Dylan and Rash at the centre - three wonderful characters!