#but that's a LOOONNNG ways away | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

floatingpetals · 5 years

Text

Peace and Quiet?

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Angst-ish, language, the reader makes a poor decision, fluff as well

Word Count: 5900+

Request: “I seriously love your longer one shots! Could you please do a Cap (or Bucky) + reader, where the reader is kinda loud/outgoing because of not wanting to be forgotten or something? And the reader figures they make him uncomfortable and shuts everyone out, leading to him confessing he likes the reader? Fluff please?” @homeybadger

A/N: Wow so uhh, this has been a request that’s been sitting in my inbox for sooooo looonnng. No seriously, like super long. I feel so bad that it’s taken me just now to get to it. I wanted to do something nice with it, but I just couldn’t get it right, then I forgot it was there and then I remember and scrapped the whole thing. I hope you enjoy this story and I hope the length makes up for it! I did not mean to take so long on this! I hope you all enjoy!!

**I’m also debating on doing a second part, but it all depends on the feedback I get. So please let me know what you think! ❤

Gifs not mine, credit to the creator!

“Oh, bad luck. You landed on Boardwalk,” Sam smirked, a giggle beginning to bubble in his chest as the rage that was settling on Y/N’s face across the table. She glared at the double dice, a freaking snake eye, that had been against her the entire game. “And if my math is correct, with my three houses you owe me $1400. And from the looks of your very sad pile, you’ll have to sell everything on top of declaring bankruptcy.”

“I hate this game!” Y/N screamed, throwing down the $300 hundred she had left.

“Hey, don’t hate the game!” Natasha shot back, grinning behind her beer bottle. Y/N shot her glare.

“Oh, shut up! You and Clint have been cheating the entire time and you know it!” she growled. Clint gasped but was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs by Bucky. He grumbled and pulled out the chance cards he had stashed away, and nudge Natasha to pull out the money she had hidden away. “See! This game sucks!”

“Now, now. No need to go all green on us.” Tony grinned. Bruce made a noise before letting out a puff of air. Irritated with both the game and how smug everyone was acting, Y/N exploded with a primal battle cry.

“Fuck this game! You people are all cheaters!”

Everyone had enough time to grab their drinks off before Y/N flipped the table, the pieces flying everywhere. Bucky and Wanda both doubled over in their seats, howling when Y/N began to scream at Tony, who jumped up and was yelling back at the same volume. Clint and Natasha were grinning like idiots as the mayhem grew. Bruce rolled his eyes when Sam jumped in, normally the tone the room shifted would set him on edge, but this wasn’t unusual. The only person that wasn’t reacting, save for Vision who had no idea why tensions were so high over a silly game, was Steve.

He had decided to sit this game night out. After the Mario Party debacle, he wasn’t ready to jump back in the ring. Thor spun a wheel and tossed a dart to cut someone’s stars in half. He landed on Y/N’s. While she was once in the lead, that cut her stars in half and she was suddenly in last place. That was fine. It was when she was hit by Bowser, who Tony was playing as when they managed to let him loose of his little prison that she flipped her lid. The team got a kick out of her raging at the games, and all banded together to see how quickly she could snap. Steve, however, didn’t see the charm in it.

To put it lightly, Y/N was a lot to handle. She was everywhere all at once to begin with, her voice carrying through walls. There wasn’t a single mean bone in her body, aside from her intense competitive streak. She seemed to win over anybody. Steve still wasn’t sure. He’d admit, she was sweet and everyone else seemed to love her. Steve thought she was cute too, sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch and he’d find himself taking advantage of her stillness to stare. But she never stopped to breathe once it seemed. He couldn’t recall a time where she wasn’t talking loudly about something or practically bouncing off the walls from excitement. She was a lot more than he was used to. Y/N made his head spin. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a bit exhausting after a while around her. It also didn’t help that sometimes her power manifested with her growing emotions. Which is what was happening right now.

“You’re the one who wanted us to play this stupid game!” Tony accused, rolling his eyes.

“Did not! I specifically said that I thought it was a stupid idea because I always end up flipping a table! You’re the one who then said we had to play it since learning that bit of information.” She countered pointing a finger at him. Tony stopped, a sly grin spreading across his face.

“Oh yeah.”

“Ugh!” She grumbled. “You people are so frustrating! Why do you do this to me?!”

“Because it’s fun.” Tony grinned, his eyes flashing with glee. That was the wrong thing to say. Now Y/N really was angry. She grits her teeth and balled her fists at her side. If this was a cartoon, she’d have steam coming out of her ears she was so angry. Unbeknownst to her, her powers started to manifest with her mounting fury, afflicting the others in the room.

Y/N’s power was special and even a bit strange considering how specific it was. Since she could remember, Y/N always had the gift to control the aura around her to suppressed others authority and leadership skills. It was a power that had come handy in her life, but also hindered her more than it helped. She had a rather strong grip on it at all times, but sometimes that control slipped. Tony’s face paled, and everyone else around her started to shift uncomfortably.

“Uh-Y/N.” Wanda reached out, her fingers gently brushing against the back of Y/N’s arm. Wanda flinched, the contact enough to send her the full force of Y/N’s strange power, but she fought to stay strong. Y/N blinked, quickly realizing the shift in the room was because of her. Her shoulder’s dropped and the suffocating aura surrounding her disappeared. The room sighed collectively in relief.

“See. This is why you shouldn’t poke the bear.” Y/N huffed, crossing her arms against her chest. Tony chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to know you’re aware.” Sam let out a laugh as well, grinning widely at her. She grumbled under her breath and turned to sit back in her seat. As she did, she scanned the room and noticed a spot empty. Standing straighter she glanced around the room.

“Hey, where did Steve go?”

The group collectively turned around, just now noticing the empty seat their Captain once took up as well. Bucky frowned and shot a look to Natasha, who seemed on the same page. Slowly, he turned to back to Y/N.

“Uh... Maybe he decided to turn in early.” He tried. The team seemed to take it, albeit skeptically. He had been doing this a lot lately, getting up at disappearing without a word. No one wanted to say it aloud, but they all noticed it happened around the time Y/N came to the team four months ago.

Y/N stilled, her eyes hardening for a split second before they seemed to glaze over. Shaking her head, she heaved a sigh.

“I’m gonna turn in early too. Sorry, this little outburst just took a lot out of me.” She said, stepping over the discarded pieces and was out of the room before anyone could argue. The room had shifted into a subdued atmosphere, everyone thinking the same thing.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Wanda murmured. Bucky nodded, letting out a sigh.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said. The rest all murmured in agreement, slowly trickling out the room since game night clearly was done for the evening. They could only hope tomorrow would end on a better note.

~~~~~~~

Y/N sat on her bed, clinging to her favorite stuffed animal wondering just where she went wrong. Since she joined the team a few short months ago, she had been trying her best to get close to the rest of her teammates. Naturally, she was a bubbly person. But her gift made it harder for her to get close to anyone. Her parents thought it was odd, the power came from nowhere when she hit the age of three. It took them time to figure out that it wasn’t because she was incredibly intimidating and that she was unintentionally suppressing their confidence level.

They spent years taking her to doctors and specialists that might be able to help her control her powers. It wasn’t without consequences. Because she struggled for so long to control her powers, she spent a lot of her life unintentionally hurting those around her.

Her classmates didn’t know what exactly, but they knew something was wrong with her. She spent the majority of her school years alone in the corner, shunned from taking part of anything in her classes. If anyone tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, something always went wrong. They were terrified of her. The fear turned to indifference and eventually, they paid her no mind. No one wanted her in their lives. But for Y/N, she wanted nothing more than to be accepted and included.

Which might explain why she was the way she was today. It took years to master her control, but she did it. And now that she was an Avenger, she was surrounded by people who were like her. Special and unique. Nowhere else could she be herself as she could here. This was her last chance of being free and she never wanted to be forgotten.

It didn’t take her long to win over the others. They were more than aware of what she could do. Not a one batted an eyelash, no one shrank away in fear they’d be subjected to the smothering fear she could plague them with. If anything, it fascinated them. She was the one who they’d send in to interrogate. Whether on location or in a holding cell, it didn’t matter. Her power was a gift to get the tightest of lips to talk. For the first time in her life, Y/N felt as though she had finally found her calling.

Y/N was proud of how far she had come. It was years of uphill battles and year left in the shadows. But now, she had it all, friends, her family and a job she loved. All except the acceptance of Steve. He was polite, but he always had an air of discomfort around her. Not with anyone else, just her. Y/N hated to admit it, but it hurt.

Since the day she met him, Y/N fell hard. Who couldn’t though? He was charming, cared for his friends and protective of his family. But for some reason, he just didn’t seem like he enjoyed being around her. Perhaps, she thought, it was something she said to him. She couldn’t recall anything that might set his teeth on edge, but she was at a loss.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Y/N set her stuffed animal down on the bed and swung her legs over the side. She knew she shouldn’t dwell too much on it. He could very well be in a bad mood, and it could confidently only be when she’s in the same room. She snorted. Yeah, that was it.

No, she thought, there was something more about it. Thinking back all the times she noticed he’d got running, realization hit her like a freight train. Every time he ran, it was because of something she did. It was her. A broken sob crept it’s way up her throat. She was the reason, that was the only thing it could be. Steve Rogers, the man who unknowingly held her heart in his hands, was uncomfortable with her. She clenched the sheets of the bed and held back her tears.

Y/N had to change. Her behavior had always been a problem, she knew that. She was so terrified of being left alone and forgotten again, she let her eagerness go too far. Falling back on the bed, she stared at the ceiling and came to a life-altering decision.

~~~~~

“Hey! There you are!” Natasha grinned motioning Y/N over to her mat. “I was wondering if you’d ever show up or if I’d have to go up to pull you out of bed.”

Y/N didn’t respond with her usual quip, just sent her a tight-lipped smile and a soft apology. Natasha blinked her lack of typical response slightly off-putting. Where was her boisterous hello and never-ending pouts of energy? It was one of the fun things about working out with Y/N first thing in the morning. This wasn’t usual of her at all.

“Okay.” Natasha drawled, looking over Y/N to try and decipher her new attitude. “Well, let’s get started on stretching you at, then we’ll get on the mat to spar.”

Y/N wordlessly nodded, moving over to where the yoga mats were laid out waiting for her. Natasha took up the spot next to her, keeping her eyes especially close on Y/N. Aside from her uncharacteristically quiet demeanor, it didn’t seem like there was a hair out of place on her. Although, her movement seemed a bit on the robotic side. Y/N was just going through the motions, getting done with her stretches before wordlessly making her way over to the mats without a glance to Natasha.

Natasha sat up and watched Y/N leave without a word, flabbergasted. Things seemed fine last night, aside from Steve’s abrupt disappearance. As far as Natasha knew, Y/N had gone straight to her room to sleep. And everyone was either here in the gym or Tony and Bruce in the lap. So, what happened to Y/N?

“Hey, you okay?” Natasha asked, catching Y/N’s elbow.

“What do you mean?” Y/N tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Natasha said slowly, her gaze narrowing the longer she stared at Y/N. “You just seem… off today.”

“Oh.” She uttered simply. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Pulling her arm away from Natasha, Y/N wandered over to where Sam was now standing with Bucky. Their smile grew at the sight of her, both unaware of Y/N’s new behavior.

“Good morning sunshine!” Sam beamed at her, wrapping her up in a hug. Y/N let out a faint giggle as she hugged him back. Bucky grinned and tilted his head in greeting.

“Morning doll. You sleep okay last night? I didn’t hear your snores through the paper-thin walls last night.” He teased, nudging her with his shoulder. Y/N huffed but surprisingly bit her tongue.

“Morning Bucky. Yeah, I slept fine.” Y/N shrugged, her face showing little to no emotions. “We ready to get started.”

Both men were stunned, completely thrown off by her sudden change. They shot Natasha a startled look, who could only shrug. She hadn’t the faintest idea either what happened. Y/N wasn’t supplying them with anything either, so all they could do was continue as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t mean they weren’t going to question her later of course.

Getting done with their training was odd, uncomfortable even. Y/N didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then they were short simple answers. There was none of her usual spunkiness that fought back with each quip Sam sent her way. He even tried to rile her up, he almost pulled out all the stops in a hope to gain a reaction from her. But she didn’t move an inch. Bucky tried to get her to react when he threw a punch harder than necessary her way. They thought they had her, there was a spark of fury in her eyes after she picked herself up, but she quickly wiped the expression on her face.

In the end, Y/N went through the motions, doing what needed to be done without her usual flare. At one point, Wanda had even commented on how unusually quiet she had been. When Y/N left to head to the locker room, she cornered Bucky and Sam.

“What did you two do?” she hissed, jabbing a finger in Sam’s chest. He made a noise in the back of his throat offended at the accusation.

“What the hell makes you think we did anything?” Bucky crossed his arms across his chest. Wanda turned her narrow gaze to Bucky.

“Well. Something happened to her. And I know Natasha wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

“Oh and we would?” Sam snapped, shaking his head. “We didn’t do anything to her Wanda, she was like this when she came in.”

“He’s right.” Natasha interrupted, siding with the two men. “She’s been like this all morning. I have no clue why.”

The door the locker room opened, Y/N walking freshly out of the shower and a new change of clothes. She stopped short when she saw all four eyes locked on her across the room. Awkwardly, she waved to them before heading to the exit. Right as she reached it, Steve swung open the door, towel in hand. His steps faltered and a tight-lipped smile passed on her face.

The group couldn’t see her face from where they stood. All they could see was her nod her head once before stepping around Steve with a wide berth to head out the exit. Steve was left stunned. It wasn’t normal to not have his ear talked off when it came to Y/N. Blinking rapidly, he wandered over to Bucky, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What she say?” Wanda asked. Steve’s mouth fell open to answer but couldn’t find the right words.

“Uh… Nothing.” He shrugged.

“And you don’t find that strange?” Wanda asked the group, pinning each of them with her stare. Bucky bristled at the insinuation, his hands balling into fists.

“We never said it wasn’t. We just have no idea what’s wrong with her.” He snapped, stepping up with his back straighter and shoulders set. Wanda glared right back, red seeping into her eyes. Natasha wiggled her way between them, grumbling under her breath.

“Alright. Alright, enough.” She held her hands out to both, pushing them back. “Wanda, we have no clue what happened. Y/N walked in like this. It’s probably nothing and she’s just having an off day. Why don’t we just let whatever happened run its course and see how she is through the rest of the day. No point on biting each other’s heads off when we all did nothing wrong.”

The group grumbled their agreement, still not at ease with how the morning had turned. Steve was just as concerned as the rest. It was odd that she didn’t greet him with her megawatt smile when he walked in the gym, and it was odd how her face seemed to tighten at the sight of him. All he got this morning was a tight-lipped smiled before she ran out the door. What was even odder was the fact that she seemed to give him as much space as possible. As if she didn’t want to get too close.

Steve turned to the door, his brows creased and mouth in a tight line. Something was going on with Y/N, but who was he to worry about her?

~~~~~~~~

Things hadn’t gotten much better with Y/N over the next few days. She had stopped taking part in the loud discussions that always managed to start up in the kitchen or the living room. Her words were short and few in between, but she didn’t seem upset. Just much more subdued than usual. When someone would speak to her, so would she. But it was never the same volume as before.

Sam and Clint both made it their mission to get her to snap. They did everything from switching her sugar to salt in her coffee to going into her room and putting baby powder in her hair dryer. Nothing worked. She would just sigh and turn her back to them, shoulders tense. They thought she’d give up and go back to her old ways, but nothing worked. Not even Natasha could get her to admit what was wrong.

Steve, however, was taking her attitude change harder than the rest. Don’t ask him why he didn’t even know. He thought he’d prefer her at a lower decibel, he assumed she would be more manageable and easier to get along with. But this, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. To him, it almost seemed creepy. This wasn’t the Y/N he had come to know. The wasn’t the same woman in the slightest. It was as if someone else swapped personalities with her.

Y/N hadn’t shown any improvement in her attitude in the field either. Actually, she seemed to be less productive now. One of the ways she managed to get people to confess was using her power and then releasing it. There she’d act like a good cop, bargaining with them for information and if they didn’t give her what she wanted, she’d switch her powers back on again. Now, she just threw herself into it. There was no build up, no false sense of security.

Just last week they needed information about the next hit Hydra ordered. They apprehended one of the agents and sent in Y/N to get out the information when he wouldn’t fess up. The team assumed the old Y/N would come out now that she was in the field. Instead, she walked in and used the full force of her powers on the man. She was already so powerful, but she had a strong grip on her control. When her power flared to life, even with the thick walls it suffocated everyone.

The agent instantly started sobbing, blubbering like a small child before it grew to mindless screaming for mercy. As it turns out, her power can actually break the human spirit and shatter their sanity into a thousand pieces. It only affected the man in front of her, but it still rattled the rest of the group. Steve was furious.

“What the hell was that?!” He snarled, dragging Y/N into a conference room. She blinked, her face unmoving despite the rage rolling off him in waves. Tony, Fury, and Maria both sat around the meeting table, their mouths pulled into thin lines. She tore her gaze away, refusing to look at anyone in particular as Steve raged on. “You ruined any chances of getting information out of him!”

“Actually Cap, she ruined any chance of him being a normal human being again,” Tony interjected, pulling up a hologram of the doctor's report. The mental status report had been sent in a few moments before Steve dragged her in. The poor man couldn’t remember his name let alone the information they needed.

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers and let out a heavy breath. When she opened them, their faces hadn’t changed a bit. Settling on a point at the table, the brief glimpse she caught of their expressions was burned in her mind. Steve was livid, Tony seemed borderline irritated with a hint of amusement, while Fury and Maria both had a hard expression that told her she was in for it for the next few weeks.

“Look. I’m sorry. I let a few personal matters get to me and clearly, I didn’t handle it well.” She said calmly. Steve flinched at how lifeless she sounded when she mentioned her personal matter and shot Tony a concerned look. Tony tilted his head in acknowledgment, he too aware of the pain she seemed to be suppressing. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again by accident, but I’ll make sure to put more training in to ensure it doesn’t.”

Fury shifted in his seat, folding his hands on his crossed knee. His single eye narrowed as he looked her over and gave her a curt nod.

“See that it doesn’t agent. Dismissed.” He said curtly. Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut for a spilt-second before she jerked her chin and spun at heel to leave the room. After the door shut behind her, Fury grunted.

“What did you people do to her?” He accused, leveling Steve and Tony with a stare. Both men frowned and glanced at the other.

“We didn’t do anything.” Tony snapped, narrowing his eyes. Steve set his hand on the back of a chair and sighed.

“She’s been like this for almost a week now. This is the first time she’s actually admitted something wrong.” Steve replied, his brows furrowing at the tightness in his chest at the idea. It wasn’t like Y/N to keep everything bottle up inside her like this.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with her, fix it,” Fury ordered. “She needs to be in complete control and that can’t happen when her minds on other things.”

Pushing back the chair he stood, Maria right behind him. Not waiting for a reply, he grabbed the folder off the desk and briskly left the room with Maria following. Steve flinched when the door snapped shut behind them. Tony scoffed.

“You can get rid of that sad puppy dog look, Captain.”

Steve frowned, his head snapping up to Tony.

“What’s with the tone, Tony?” He asked. Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“We all know you don’t like Y/N, you put up a good front though.” He waved a hand absently. “But when you dart out of a room anytime she comes in, or you won’t sit to talk with her when she comes to find you, it gets pretty noticeable.”

Steve stood taller, his mouth drawing into a tight line. He opened his mouth to argue, but it dawned on him. He hadn’t been the most welcoming person to Y/N in the few months she’s been here. Was that really how everyone perceives him? Tony smirked and shook his head.

“To put it simply; you’ve been an ass to our Y/N, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something you did.” Groaning softly under his breath, Tony stood and grabbed his tablet. Steve’s face fell, the notion her change might have been because of him made his stomach turn. Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder, his mouth pulled into a tight line. “Like Fury said, we’re going to fix this. But don’t worry. We won’t waste your precious time.”

At that, Tony left Steve alone in the conference room, the sting of his words lingering behind. Steve’s shoulder slumped. Maybe this had been his fault. But when? How? He really didn’t think it would have been that big of a deal to leave early after the game. Maybe he thought wrong and she did take it wrong. That wouldn’t mean this complete 180 though, would it? It wasn’t the first time he escaped a game night gone wrong, and she didn’t seem upset them. Perhaps it was something else. That had to be it. He really hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think he did.

“Hey FRIDAY,” Steve called. Immediately, the AI system responded.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Go back to the last game night, the one with monopoly, did anything happen to Y/N between the time I left, and she went to bed?” He asked. Silence met him as the computer searched the data.

“No, it doesn’t seem like anything happened. She never left her room once she entered either.” FRIDAY replied. Steve frowned, even more, confused than before. So if there wasn’t anything that happened to her then what was with change?

Clenching his jaw, Steve knew he needed to get to the bottom of this. Not just as a Captain to his team, but as a way to make up for being such a shitty housemate. And maybe even as a way to start an actual friendship with him. Now that he’s seen this side of her, he realized how judgment and close-minded he was. He needed to find her and talk with her.

~~~~

Y/N had just stripped out of her suit and into her PJs when there was a hesitant knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight, especially not after she just got her ass handed to her. Reluctantly she went to open the door and was surprised at the person on the other side.

Steve stood there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. She blinked and took a step back.

“Uh… hi?” she greeted cautiously. Steve smiled hesitantly and shifted from foot to foot.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“W-Why?” She clutched on the handle and shifted behind the door in an attempt to hide behind it. Steve noticed and his smile fell. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I’ve not been the most welcoming and I want to apologize. Can I please come in?” He asked earnestly. Y/N was caught off guard at his sincerity. Nodding numbly, she pulled the door open and let him in her room.

Steve glanced around the room, noticing the number of pictures she had hanging up on her wall, pretty fairy lights cascading down the walls illuminating each photo. Her comforter was a light lilac with stuffed animals on the bed. He eyed the little knickknacks matched the rest of her décor on her desks and shelves adding to the warmth and homey feel her room had. Realization hit him that he really hadn’t taken the time to get the real her.

“Go ahead and have a seat.” Y/N waved to the bed before sitting on the other end. Steve sank into the plush mattress, taking a moment to look over Y/N. She refused to make eye contact, to busy wringing her fingers together to notice him staring. Once again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, and how poorly he handled everything.

“Look Y/N, I don’t know what happened the past few days and why you’re acting different, but somethings changed. We all can see it.” He said. Y/N opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. Steve continued on. “I don’t know what happened, but it hurts all of us to see you like this. It’s like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and we’re seeing this empty shell. I mean, Sam and Clint both are losing their minds because what ordinarily would work on getting you riled up is doing nothing. And Bucky’s beside himself, Natasha and Wanda are worried sick, and Tony is pissed because-.” Steve stopped short, his face twisting into a pained expression. “He thinks I’m the reason.”

Y/N tensed, her breath catching in her throat. It was minuscule, but Steve caught it. He sat taller and his stomach sank.

“It is because of me.” He whispered sadly. He tore his eyes away from her to stare blankly at his hands. Y/N closed her eyes but didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been accepting. I didn’t mean to hurt you though.”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as he kept talking.

“Truth is, you intimidate the hell out of me. I’ve never met someone who was so sure of themselves and so incredibly proud about it. You held nothing back and you’re so willing to put your heart on your sleeve, I kind of envy you a little. People loved you right of the bat and your just so sweet inside and out. I mean, you didn’t let anyone tell you to chill out before. Which leaves me to ask, why now? Why did I affect you so much that you changed everything about you?”

That caused Y/N’s face to heat up. No way was she going to admit it aloud! It was already embarrassing enough Steve knew he was a reason why she changed, but for him to know what the full reason was mortified her.

“Y/N.” He gently took her hand in his, the corners of his lips turned up. “You don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I don’t hate you. I never did. Matter of fact, I really like you. More than I thought. It didn’t hit me how much I’d come to admire and appreciate your take on life until now. I miss hearing you bicker with Tony about the best brew coffee first thing in the morning or when you and Bucky gang up on Sam. I know Natasha and Wanda miss having their best friend. And game nights will never be the same without you threatening and then following through with flipping a table.”

Y/N giggled and ducked her chin. His grin grew, finally seeing a glimmer of her former self.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. I can only ask you’ll give me a chance to make up for being such a shitty person.” He grinned.

“Language, Captain.” Y/N teased.

“Is that ever going to die?” Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Wait you weren’t even there!”

“I know but hate to break it to you, it’s here for the long haul.” Y/N giggled and shook her head. Steve’s laughter joined hers, his smile stretching from ear to ear. He titled his head to the side after a beat before letting out a sigh.

“So, are you going to be okay?” He asked hopefully. Y/N let out a deep breath, for the first time all week feeling lighter. She was so drained from keeping her emotions in check, it took every ounce of her strength not to react to the attempts at making her snap. She knew it was ridiculous trying to change, but she really thought it was for the better. Turns out, it not only damaged her but everyone she loved.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.” She spoke confidently. Steve patted her thigh and quickly stood.

“Good, because Tony discovered some new game called The Jackbox Party Pack or something along those lines.” He extended a hand and waited for her to take it.

“Wait, right now?” She asked surprised. He nodded and took her hand.

“Yup. Come on. Team bonding time.”

Y/N laughed, letting him pull her up and drag her out of the room. He looked at her over his shoulder, his breath catching in her throat at the way her face lit up from her grin. Turning back quickly, he hoped she didn’t notice the way his ears turned pink. He was an idiot for not taking the time to get to know her. He wasn’t going to ruin his chance with her a second time. Maybe it wasn’t going to easy, but for Y/N he knew it would be worth it.

Perma Tag: (CLOSED)

@dolphinpink310 / @breezy1415 / @hymnofthevalkyrie / @sebbyismyking / @vivideley / @cherrynat / @heelsandfaces / @lovely-geek / @libbymouse / @the-crime-fighting-spider / @dkpink123 / @moderapoppins / @chuckennuggets1213 / @jack4xx / @witchymarvelspacecase / @xxxunluvablexxx / @mannatgalhotra / @kingslaxerpark / @xxashy999xx / @silver-starburst / @cartersbarnes / @thinkwritexpress-official / @feelmyroarrrr/ @m-a-t-91 / @pizzarollpatrol / @sea040561 / @thefridgeismybestie / @sergeantjbuckybarnes / @jasura / @palaiasaurus64 / @teller258316 / @disagreetoagree / @lazinessisalliknow / @palaiasaurus64 / @bfuckjames / @sxdapxpcutis / @doraola / @kkaos15 / @tylerrose931617 / @mummy-woves-you / @claraoswinns / @buckybarneshairpullingkink / @delicatelyherdreams / @thisismysecrethappyplace / @dsakita / @look-to-the-stars-and-wish / @tomhollandtrashtm / @delicatelyherdreams / @cuddle-me-muke / @joyfulzipperpersoneclipse / @lisadickenson / @revenqers / @dannydelay / @musicgirl234 / @iamwarrenspeace / @breathlesspeter / @thebunkerofatlas / @geeksareunique / @ravennightingaleandavatempus / @mcdesij / @unlikelygalaxygiver / @tranquility-or-chaos / @bandbooktvaddict / @mywinterwolf / @piensa-bonito / @nevernotfangirling / @cutie1365 / @harryngtonewithyourshit / @slytherinqueenie / @famouslastlove / @riseandshibe / @blizzbx / @electra-hxart / @lianadelphius / @steebrogurz / @foundthezucchini / @bi-bi-bi-bisexualz / @whileinparis / @for-the-love-of-the-fandom / @delva-stardust /

(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

Steve Tag: (Open)

@biologik / @screamimalive / @ahsokastarwars / @bucky-smiles / @robfangirl /

(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #steve roger fic #steve rogers #captain america #captain america fanfiction #captain america imagine #captain america fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagine #marvel fanfic #marvel fic #reader insert #steve rogers angst #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers imagine

1K notes · View notes

serenjundipity · 6 years

Text

mark comforting you

a real FLUFFY mark scenario where the reader has a bad day goes to Mark and he comforts her

WOW you’ve had a real bad day

it started off with you getting ready for school

you sat on your straightener

then you accidentally put mascara all over the bridge of your nose

what happened next wasn’t to great either

you rode your bike to school as usual, and of course,,,a car had to drive by TOO FAST MIGHT I ADD and spray water all over you

lets just say that nothing else really went uphill from this point

school was school,,except for the fact that you forgot to bring your project that was due today and you worked all night to finish it

so now you were basically on the verge of crying but kept it all in just till the end of school

once that bell rang, you immediately texted Mark to tell him everything

but you remembered that he probably has so much stress in his own life, you didn’t want to burden him with yours

“hey mark can I come over pls?”

“ofc you can”

“ok be there in 10″

on the way there, you tried to hold back all your tears so once you see your boyfriend, you'll just be happy and forget all that happened

but that didn't work out too well

when you saw Mark’s face, you just started crying

“y/n? woaaah woah woah are you ok?”

he wrapped his arms around you as you leaned your head against his chest

inside his head he's like ohmygodohmygod what do I do

he leads you into his room

ignoring the looks coming from the boys

and once you guys get to his room, he pulls you to his bed and squeezes you tight

kissing the top of your head

after you calm down a bit, he asks you what’s wrong

everything just poured out of you

from the straightener all the way to the project

he listens to you silently, allowing you to rant

while rubbing your side and gently wiping away tears that you didn’t even notice were falling

“wait here”

he comes back with like 10282138 snacks and a tower of dvds

“mark,,what”

“I know you like to watch Disney movies when you're sad so I went out and bought a lot a long time ago just in case I ever needed to use them.”

he smiled at you, dumping all the snacks on his bed and then putting the first of many dvds into his TV

you guys cuddled to the point there was no space for a piece of paper to get in-between the two of you and the mood was perfect

except

mark started laughing(?)

“Mark, Mufasa literally just died how can you be laughing”

“Nono I'm just really happy.”

“and why is that?”

he pulled you in closer If that was even possible and kissed you softly on the lips

“you came to me first,,,,and I got to make you feel happy when you were sad,,,I don't know its stupid but that just makes me happy.”

you kissed his cheek and admired the smile on his face

“you did make me happy mark lee.”

“and I plan on making you happy for a looonnng time”

“how long are you thinking”

“mmm, well I was thinking maybe 700 more years?”

“700 years? that’s so little, I was thinking more of like 1000.”

“ok y/n no need to think of scenarios that aren’t going to happen”

“you're saying 700 years will.”

“of course, with the right vitamins.”

you grab the pillow under you and smack his chest with it, laughing

he throws the pillow away from you and pulls you over his chest

kissing you, and trying not to smile

“Stay the night?”

“if you get me a glass of water.”

“ok well ill see you tomorrow.”

“mArk.”

313 notes · View notes

sanders-specs · 6 years

Text

I’ll Be Home chapter 1

Summary: All Roman and Logan want to do is get home for Christmas. They'd been away from their boyfriends for months on separate jobs, and are looking forward to getting home. Neither one of them will let some blizzard get in their way, even though Patton and Virgil insist they stay put. The lengths they'll go to get home is great, even if it means facing mother nature at her worst.

A/N: This is a bit...different for me, I guess. Maybe it’s just the writer in me or the type of writer I am. Anyway. This is my first time writing a poly relationship, so I hope it’s interpreted well. If not, call me out on it. I don’t mind.

Paring: LAMP/polysanders

Warnings: anxiety, sadness, homesickness (if i missed one, please let me know)

Read on Ao3

Tag list: @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @dan-yuna

“Okay I think I got everything,” Patton says, shouldering the door open with his arms filled with grocery bags.

“Whoa, Patton, I didn’t think you were going to get this much stuff!” Virgil exclaims, hurrying over to help his boyfriend. “I don’t think the four of us can eat this much, Pat.”

“Roman and Logan are coming home today!” Patton says, heading towards the kitchen. “I want to make sure that I have everything they love. It has to be perfect.”

Virgil shakes his head, following Patton to the kitchen.

Today was the day their other two boyfriends, Roman and Logan, were supposed to come home after months of being away. Roman had been traveling with his theater company, and Logan had been away overseas for his job—teaching English in Italy, something they all agreed he shouldn’t pass up, even though Logan had been hesitant to go so far away. Patton and Virgil had missed both of them like crazy and couldn’t wait to have them home for Christmas.

You’d think that having two of them away for so long, their relationship would crumble. Somehow, though, it felt stronger. They’d all video chatted at least twice a day (or they’d tried). Once when Logan was going to bed, again with just Roman, Patton, and Virgil when they were going to bed. No matter how late it got for Roman on show nights, the other two would always wait up for him.

Logan, on his part, always made sure that there was some kind of good morning message waiting for all of them. Sometimes, when one or all of them couldn’t sleep, they’d talk with him as he went through his morning routine.

No matter what they all made time for each other. They knew that the distance between them couldn’t dwindle their love for each other. If anything, it made it stronger with the ache of missing them.

So Virgil couldn’t blame Patton for going overboard. He was just as excited for Roman and Logan to get back. He could finally—finally—have all of his boyfriends back in his arms again. The two of them had spent the past few days decorating the house for Christmas, making sure to put up all of Roman’s and Logan’s favorite decorations, hanging up their stockings in their preferred spot (Roman liked to have his in the middle while Logan liked his one the end). The only thing they hadn’t done was decorate the tree. That was an activity saved for the four of them to do together.

“When’s Logan’s plane supposed to land?” Virgil ask, hopping onto the island in their kitchen.

Patton checked his watch. “Any moment, now actually. He’s got a connecting flight in Boston, though, remember?”

Virgil groans. “Didn’t he just have one of those?”

“Yes, in Portugal,” Patton says, sending Virgil a small smile. “He said he’d call when he landed. Roman shouldn’t be too far away either.”

Virgil couldn’t stop the excitement from bubbling inside of him. Finally, they’d be together again, and just in time for Christmas!

“Hey, help me put everything away would you?” Patton asks sweetly, batting his eyelashes at Virgil.

Virgil rolls his eyes. “If I have to.”

Patton smiles and leans over to kiss Virgil’s cheek in thanks as they start putting the groceries away.

The sound of Skype had both Patton and Virgil running for the computer. They accepted the call and Roman’s smiling face appeared. He was in a car, his headphones in and his red sparkly beanie tugged down over his ears.

“There are my two beautiful darlings,” Roman says.

“Ro!” Patton exclaims. “Where are you?”

Roman chuckles. “Getting closer with every mile, my love. I just missed your lovely faces and voices.”

“You’re such a sap, you know that?” Virgil says.

“And who was the one who woke me up in the middle of the night at least once a week just to hear my voice?” Roman asks.

Virgil feels a blush spread on his cheeks. “Shut up.”

Roman grins. “You know I never minded, Virgil,” he says gently, knowing that he needed to reassure Virgil when it comes to teasing.

Virgil gives a small smile. “I know.”

Patton laces his fingers with Virgil’s. “When do you think you’ll be here, Ro?” He asks.

Roman looks up, as if trying to calculate the miles. “I don’t know, honestly. We’ve hit a bit of traffic which has slowed us down.”

Patton groans, making Roman chuckle.

“Do not worry, my loves, I will make it back to you before nightfall.”

“That’s toooo looonnng,” Virgil complains.

Roman makes a face at him and Patton nudges him a little, laughing. “Can’t you two just be nice to each other for once?” Patton asks, though with a fond smile on his lips that showed he wasn’t really that annoyed.

“What’s the fun in that?” Virgil asks.

“At least we keep things interesting,” Roman points out. “Speaking of keeping things interesting, what’s the word on Logan? He hasn’t texted me yet.”

Patton checked his watch and frowned. “His plane should’ve landed by now,” he mutters. “Hold on, I’ll pull up the tracker.”

“You know, out of context, that could sound very creepy,” Virgil says offhandedly.

Patton rolls his eyes, ignoring Virgil and pulling out his phone. It took a moment, but eventually he got up Logan’s plane.

“Oh, they just landed!” Patton announces. “Logan probably hasn’t had time to turn his phone back on yet.”

“Ugh, the nerd needs to hurry up! I haven’t heard his voice in two days!” Roman groans. The past two days, roman had been too busy to have a proper video chat/phone call with Logan. The last two shows had taken up nearly all of his time. He’d just barely managed to call Patton and Virgil to tell them goodnight, but of course by then, Logan would’ve already been fast asleep.

“Be patient Roman,” Patton says gently.

“Nooo,�� Roman whines, “I already have to deal with being able to touch any of you. Being able to hear you and see you like this is all I have!”

Hearing him say that sent a thrill through Virgil. And an ache. He missed his boyfriends so much. He just wanted them home and in his arms again. That was all he wanted for Christmas this year (he’d never actually tell Roman that, because without a doubt his boyfriend would just break out into Mariah Carrie).

The three of them chatted while they waited for Logan—Patton had already sent a text to tell him to get on as soon as he was able, so all they had to do was wait. As they were talking, though, Virgil happened to look out the window.

“It’s snowing!” he exclaims.

Patton looks up too, and they both looked at the very sudden white flakes fluttering down. “Snow?” Roman asks, sounding a bit nervous.

“Yeah,” Patton says. “It’s…it’s really coming down too.”

Roman waves away Patton’s concerned tone. “I’m sure it’s just the kind that melts as soon as it hits the ground! It’s probably just a flutter. It’ll be fine.”

Patton nodded. “Yeah…yeah you’re probably right…”

Vigil wasn’t too sure, though. They’d been living here for so long that by now they knew what heavy snow looked like. The kind that you’d be shoveling off your driveway for a week and make the roads impossible to go on.

“Honey, stop it,” Patton’s gentle voice cuts through Virgil’s slowly growing concerns. He looked down and realized he’d been scratching his arm even though it hadn’t been itching. It was something he did whenever he was really nervous or scared. Patton takes Virgil’s hand in his own, scooting closer to him.

“Do not fret, my love,” Roman says. “I will make it to you, snow or not!”

Virgil tightens his hold on Patton’s hands, resisting the urge to pull away and start scratching again, or pick at his nails or clothes. Patton held on tightly as well, rubbing a reassuring thumb over Virgil’s knuckles. “Promise?” Virgil asks.

“I swear it!” Roman says, sounding more confident than he probably felt. Virgil appreciated it though, and managed a small smile.

Just then, another window popped up, and Logan’s pixelated face appeared.

“Logan!” they all chimed happily. Logan held the phone close to his body, the sounds of airport very loud and prominent. He was obviously walking somewhere, but he did give them all a smile.

“Hello, dears,” he says.

“Looogggannnn,” Roman whines, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Roman,” Logan says, “and Patton, and Virgil, before you two start complaining.”

“Hey it’s no fun if you don’t let us complain,” Virgil says, feeling himself relax a little when Logan rolled his eyes.

“But they got to talk to you the past two days. I didn’t,” Roman says with a pout.

“We did talk, Roman,” Logan points out. “You bombarded us with pictures, if I recall. In the middle of my class, too.”

“Yeeaahhh sorry about that,” Roman says sheepishly.

“Don’t be. My students were all very fascinated by the scenery and were even able to put some of their lessons to the test. However, the guitar one was a bit hard to explain.”

Roman giggled and Patton and Virgil just smiled fondly, remembering the incident. Roman had been in Tennessee and had been doing a bit of sight-seeing during his lunch break and had sent a bunch of pictures to their group chat. Logan had been in the middle of a class, and hadn’t hesitated to let him know that. A few minutes after Roman had sent multiple apologies and Patton and Virgil had laughed at him for it, Logan had told them that he was projecting the phone for the whole class to see the pictures, which, of course, caused the three of them to indirectly start talking with the class.

“You know what I mean, dork,” Roman says.

Logan smiles. “Yes, I know. I apologize.”

“There’s nothing you need to be sorry about,” Patton says. “None of us can control time zones.”

“I suppose you’re right, Patton,” Logan says with a sigh.

“Logan when do you think you’ll be home?” Virgil asks, not being able to help himself. He kept glancing at the window, watching the snowfall become more and more heavy.

“I do not know,” Logan says. “There is some pretty bad snowfall up here.”

“Ah, Logan—”

“So you don’t know if you’ll be home?” Virgil asks, panic slowly growing.

Logan’s eyes widened as he realized his mistake. “No no no, I wasn’t saying that, love. I will still make it home in time for Christmas. It just might not be as soon as we had anticipated.”

Patton gripped Virgil’s hands, and Virgil couldn’t take his eyes from the window. What if they didn’t make it? Christmas was in three days, it was entirely possible that the snow could keep them away that long.

“Virgil, love, look at us,” Logan’s voice, gentle yet demanding, said. Still, though, Virgil couldn’t look away. He heard Logan sigh. “Patton?”

Gentle hands were on his face, then, pulling his head away from the window. Patton cupped his opposite cheek, then pressed three quick kisses onto the one closest to him. One for each of them.

“Do not fret, darling,” Roman says. “Nothing will keep us from you! I will walk the entire way home if I have to!”

“Please don’t,” Virgil says. “I don’t want you to get hypothermia. I couldn’t kiss you then.”

“Hmmm yes you’re right,” Roman says. “That would be a problem.”

Virgil grinned, Roman smirking back at him. The moment was broken, though, by a very loud voice on Logan’s side. It was hard to distinguish what the voice said, but Logan frowned.

“What is it Lo?” Patton asks.

Logan glances over at them. “I’m sure it’s nothing. I do have to go for a moment to double check something. I will return in a moment.”

“Alright,” roman says. “hurry back!”

Logan gives them all a smile before leaving the call.

Logan sighs and tucks his phone into his jacket pocket, grabbing his suitcase, and joining the long line of people in front of the help desk. There were dozens of flights canceled because of the heavy snow storm that was hitting the northeast. Logan prayed that his flight wouldn’t be one of them. he was homesick and desperately missed his boyfriends. He was jetlagged and quite frankly ready to sleep in his own bed again, preferably while cuddled up with Patton, Virgil, and Roman.

Once it was his turn to talk to the worker, he politely told her his flight number and whether it would be taking off at the estimated time today. He then waited patiently for her to pull it up, only to tell him that no, unfortunately that flight has been canceled until the snow storm has passed.

“Is there an estimated date then?” Logan asks, trying very hard to keep his own panic and dread from setting in.

“I’m sorry sir, there’s no telling. We’ll keep an eye on the storm, but it looks like it’s going to stick around for a few days.”

Logan sighs, biting his lip. He looks up at all the flights on the board behind her, finding his own, and seeing the red canceled letters beside it.

“Do you, perchance, know of a different way to get to Virginia?” Logan asks. “I’m expected home soon, and I’d rather not disappoint my family.”

The worker gave a tight smile, but she pulled up a piece of paper and wrote down the directions to a train station. “I can’t guarantee they will have a ticket available at such short notice.”

“it will have to do. Thank you,” Logan says, taking the paper and studying it. He put the company into his phone and saw, thankfully, that they still had available seats. Albeit not ideal seats, but a seat nonetheless. He wasted no time buying one for himself and started to make his way out of the airport.

Only when he was in a taxi to the train station did he pull his phone back out to return to the call.

“Hey Lo,” they all chime.

“What happened? Where are you?” Roman asks.

“There has been a slight change of plans,” Logan says.

“What do you mean?” Patton asks.

“My flight was canceled due to the snow storm. However,” Logan says quickly, seeing Virgil’s eyes widen and Roman and Patton’s faces fall slightly, “I have found a different mode of transportation home.”

“What are you doing, Logan?” Patton asks.

Logan opened his mouth to answer, but just then the taxi went through a tunnel and the call dropped.

“Great,” Logan says, leaning head back with a sigh.

“Sorry bout that,” the taxi driver says.

“It’s not your fault,” Logan says, closing his eyes. He could picture the scene that awaited him at him. Patton and Virgil would have decorated everything already. Patton would have made all of Logan and Roman’s favorite treats. They’d have movies picked out, and have everything ready for a movie night. It’d be Christmas movies, of course. They’d all cuddle together and finally be together again. Roman would sing the Christmas songs too loudly and they’d tell him to hush, but they’d all love it no matter what.

Logan felt an ache in his chest. He wasn’t one to show his emotions so much, but being away from his loves for so long had tested a whole new level of control for him. When he’d been at work, he’d had something to distract himself with. Italy provided many different distractions in its art and architecture, but whenever Logan had gone sight-seeing, all he been able to think about was how much his boyfriends would love to be there. He saw Patton in every overly enthusiastic tourist taking pictures of literally everything they could, even if it was just a fountain or a restaurant. He saw Roman in every street performer and artist (he would join with them, Logan had no doubt). He saw Virgil in the people quietly walking the streets, silently taking in everything about the city. He could hear all the puns Patton would make about Roman being in Rome, and how he and Virgil would lovingly roll their eyes at him, even if Roman took a bit of offense to it.

Logan smiled at the image, but it just made the homesickness worse. He slumped down in his seat in the taxi, slightly surprised to find tears on his cheek. He quickly cleared his throat and brushed them away. He’d be with them soon. He couldn’t forget that.

The taxi exited the tunnel and Logan got signal again. He saw, though, that his battery was low. Perhaps reading on his phone before his flight in Portugal had not been the best idea. He sent a quick text saying that he was going to be home, that they shouldn’t worry, and that he loved them so, so much. He told them he had to save his battery and that he would talk with them later.

He turned his phone off and put it away, settling in for the rest of his ride to the train station.

Chapter 2

#christmas countdown #sanders sides #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #fanfiction #my fic #i'll be home #lamp #anxiety #homesickness

86 notes · View notes

committoreality · 7 years

Note

devastated because I don't even have a strong support system. How do you deal with loneliness? what do you do to heal? I made the decision to delete all my social media today because I feel like that also contributes to my loneliness by seeing other people out having fun with friends and I wish I had that. I am usually busy working or at school so my mind is distracted but when I am alone in my room I realize how truly alone I am/feel and it's making me depressed. I am sorry this was so long

No need to apologize it’s not long at all- trust me I will beat you with my character count. I think it’s easy to have a primary person in your life and then feel as though you’re shut off from everything. I feel the same way a lot of times because like you I am always so immersed in my studies and feel my partner is the only one truly there for me and who I can talk to. Let me tell you though, it’s not you, it’s likely you’re mind and the associations you have made. If you have a self concept of being a repeller and a hermit- that is exactly what you’re life will be.

A few years ago I was the most social person I knew. I had friends in every place and I would go to the bar alone and just make friends and sit myself down at a table and talk to whoever and I was just so open. And that was my everyday life. I didn’t care who the hell I was talking to or what their story was. I was also the most outwardly confident person I knew. Same person two years later- I never frequent bars, I have a small close circle of friends who I see sporadically, and I’m pretty shy. I’m the same person the only thing that changed is my priorities and my self concept. I now find more pleasure in being quiet and self contained and private than I do managing a huge social circle. And because of those changes in where I lived and what I prioritized- there has been a huge change in my self concept.

You are forever evolving and if you feel discomfort and imbalance with the person you are right now- you’re not damned to this life. You have choices about who you want to be and how you orient yourself in the world. You literally tell yourself stories every moment of every day. You wake up and say “today is going to be a great day”, if you stub your toe you think “I’m excited about the bigger things today and this trivial event doesn’t affect me”, if someone cancels on you you think “great now I have free time to take myself out for coffee and listen to a podcast and go on a walk”. You are responsible for the sources of joy in your life. The things you like are not objectively good things- you have a concept of them being good- therefore you feel good when you’re in contact with these things.

For me there is nothing objectively good and wonderful about japanese stationary but it makes me freak out with happiness every time I plan my next week and make a pretty bullet journal page. There is nothing objectively wonderful about kick box cardio but I sweat and feel strong and I see that feeling as good. So I have the association that kick box cardio is amazing and empowering because of my own interpretation of my subjective experience of that thing.

People are really good at seeing patterns and looking for similar events and making associations. There is no definitive association in the social or individual world that is objective. Your interpersonal life does not conform to a formula and proven theory- it’s a story that you have told yourself time and time again and your brain has become so familiar with this story that the association between you + friends= temporary. That does not reflect reality- but because your brain makes that association and jumps to the conclusion that “I have been left out of things before” = “I will always be left out of things and it’s because I’m unlovable”, then you begin to embody your self concepts and act in ways that will confirm them.

To change your self concepts requires constant diligence and a loving questioning of the conclusions that your brain makes, and replacing those connections with something more beneficial to your mental health and social life. If you see every lost friendship as people naturally evolving apart, or accept because if a relationship isn;t working for one person it’s not working for anyone- how would that change the way you feel about yourself? If you decided that every friendship and relationship will last a unique amount of time given the circumstances, and some will end for their own unique circumstances- how would that change you?

It’s not you as a spiritual and complete being who is destined for loneliness, but when you perpetuate that association by framing events in a self deprecating way- then you will be destined for loneliness. Because you are allowing this one story about yourself to pre-determine your relationships, and to interpret events.

All in all- deleting your social media is a fantastic idea and one that has freed me since I made that decisions nearly a year ago. Keep the things that make you feel good, let go of those that bring you down. Secondly, reframe your ideas in ways that are kinder to yourself. If someone stops talking to you- they’re not in the right headspace to be friends, or they’re not ready to have real long term friendships- and that’s fine, people mature and grow at different paces. Thirdly, meaningful enjoyable alone time is so key. If you get cancelled on, if your partner goes away for a week- you should have a looonnng list of things to do alone that make you feel good. So when that time comes that you are on your own- you don’t think “oh god I have to spend time with this shitty self again”- you will think “hell yeah I get to do x, y and z and elevate my spirit and be a better self for when my partner returns”. I have a running list of things I want to do- listen to new podcasts, do new workout videos, wash my sheets, watch whatever movie, do a weekly spread in my journal, try x recipe etc.

Having things to do alone that make you feel empowered and at peace will change the way you think about yourself. The people who hate alone time are those who have a negative self concept. Why else would you be bored or scared of your own company if you thought you were a terrific person? You wouldn’t. But to think of yourself as a terrific person, you need to have self concepts that are generous to yourself- not pin every potentially negative thing as a deeply rooted character flaw. Secondly, you need to actually have things that you do that make yourself proud to be you. Self confidence doesn’t emerge from dust- you need to actually do things that make you feel good about yourself. (For example all the little things I listed like kickboxing, writing, learning from school or podcasts, being an organized person, taking care of my health and need etc) And the things that you should be proud of are not objective either. You can clean your room, walk your dog, have a shift at work, get an 100% or a 60% on a test and feel good. It’s all subjective and it’s all about how you frame these events in your life.

(Told you my response would be longer xo)

8 notes · View notes