#but nina is so right - they do not actually vulnerably communicate!!
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neil gaiman: good omens is a love story!
the fandom: omg a love story 🥰
neil gaiman: *writes a plot line about miscommunication and how that leads to the main pair temporarily "breaking up", which is very much linked to the romance genre*
the fandom:
#it's like textbook cmon man#the tension in a love story is WITHIN the love#and it just makes so much sense for their characters!!!#they care about each other so much#but nina is so right - they do not actually vulnerably communicate!!#good omens spoilers#good omens#ineffable husbands#ineffable divorce#good omens 2#aziraphale#go aziraphale#crowley#go crowley#neil gaiman
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Everything Is Meant (long S2 analysis, part 3)
Part one
Part two
There's SO MUCH excellent meta out there right now, and I'm going to try not to reinvent the wheel too much, but I want to keep going with tying the episodes/ elements up together because on first watch it wasn't entirely clear how everything fit. I also strongly recommend a rewatch, no matter what you felt about the ending... if you need to stop it 10 minutes early, do that, but you pick up so much more the second time around.
So: Maggie and Nina. I spent most of my first watch wondering why we were bothering with them, honestly. Later in the season Nina, and then Maggie and Nina, gave Crowley some insightful advice, but their actual relationship didn't progress despite all the meddling, and the amount of emotional investment BOTH Aziraphale and Crowley had in making them get together was frankly strange.
I started thinking in terms of mirror couples, since that was such a big deal in S1 and that's clearly what they were set up to be, but I made the mistake that all of us made on first watch: that Nina was Crowley and Maggie was Aziraphale. It still wasn't really coming together.
Then I put the psych hat back on and started to think about displacement. Displacement is a defense mechanism, and it consists of satisfying an impulse (usually an unconscious one) with a substitute object. At the beginning of the season, Aziraphale and Crowley aren't really in a good place, and I think on some level they know that. Aziraphale is trying to SHOW Crowley that he wants to take the next step through all the casual touches and phone calls and inviting him in, and feeling frustrated because Crowley doesn't seem to be taking the bait. (I absolutely think that Aziraphale tried to get Crowley to stay with him at the bookshop instead of living in his CAR, and Crowley said no. That's a whole other meta.) Meanwhile, Crowley, I think, is waiting for a Grand Gesture. Where did he go, as soon as Aziraphale brought up trying to get two humans to fall in love? Romantic tropes. Getting caught in the rain under an awning. A dramatic kiss that opens someone's eyes. That's the sort of thing he's always done, right? Big rescues, impassioned pleas on the street, fancy dinners, "give you a lift anywhere you want to go". He's defensive and guarded and unlikely to let someone in unless he's CERTAIN he won't be rejected, and Aziraphale's approaches are just too... quiet. No one's fault, they just don't speak the same language.
Then, they're handed the opportunity to make two humans fall in love, and they're both All In immediately. Look at Crowley's face when he summons the rainstorm. This is HUGE for him. Why? Because of displacement. Look at Aziraphale arranging the ball and being borderline deranged about it. They're both desperate to demonstrate what they think it takes for two people to move past their misunderstandings and fall in love. They can't do it for each other because the stakes are too high, and if either of them shows their cards unequivocally the vulnerability feels life-shattering. They're codependent and terrified of rejection and also, importantly, have no idea what they're doing when it comes to love. "Saw it in a film", Crowley says. Aziraphale's read about it in books. But they have zero practical experience.
Instead of learning to communicate, they try to say what they want to say through the medium of Maggie and Nina, up to and including the questionable moral decision to exert control over people's actions and thoughts during the ball. If I can just make this come out right, they both think, then things between us will be alright too. It HAS to come out right. They're attempting to gain some control over their own lives, over something that feels so overwhelming and shattering they can't look directly at it.
It doesn't come out right. Nina's relationship falls apart, but that doesn't mean she's in love with Maggie. While Crowley's stress-cleaning the bookshop to the music that played when Aziraphale got his books back in 1941 (just fuck me up David Arnold), they come in and tell him so. "I don't understand", says Crowley. Because it should have worked. Why didn't it work?
They tell him, of course. "You need to talk to each other. Say what you're really thinking." But here's the thing about communication: you have to learn it. You need to get the hang of expressing your feelings without blaming your partner, and separating intent from impact, and staying away from getting defensive and lashing out. No one has ever taught Aziraphale and Crowley how to do this. It's like Maggie and Nina put Crowley in front of a loom and asked him to recreate the Bayeux Tapestry. He doesn't have the skills; he's always going to get it wrong, even if he tries his hardest.
And he does try. But that's where Maggie and Nina the mirror couple, rather than Maggie and Nina the displacement relationship or Maggie and Nina the Greek chorus, come in. Aziraphale, as Nina, has just ended an incredibly toxic, invasive relationship with Heaven. A relationship that invaded every facet of his life, isolated him, and prevented him from being close to anyone else. "Rebound mess," Nina says. Aziraphale is a rebound mess. He's transferred the responsibility for his emotional wellness to Crowley. Crowley is the person he calls when he's in trouble, or (and this is key) when he wants to report a clever/ good thing he's done, or when he's bored. (At no point did Crowley reference Aziraphale calling him for a solicitous reason-- another problem.) Crowley is meant to take care of him. He forgets, I think, that Crowley is a person with his own wants and needs, just like Maggie and Nina are people with their own wants and needs who don't appreciate being messed with. (I think things would have been much different had Aziraphale BEEN THERE for Maggie and Nina's talk with Crowley, but he wasn't.)
And Maggie-as-Crowley? Lonely. Behind on rent, at risk of being evicted (it's important to note that Aziraphale saves Maggie from losing her record shop, as he couldn't save Crowley from losing his flat). Pining. Awkward. Revolving around Nina like a planet, to the extent that we don't get much of an impression of her otherwise. They realize, there at the end, that they both need to round themselves out before jumping into a relationship. Aziraphale and Crowley need that too. They need to take time apart and learn to be healthy on their own. Unfortunately they don't have the skills to get to that conclusion in a healthy way, so it all explodes in their faces and everything falls apart.
Aziraphale tries to teach Nina and Maggie to dance as a substitute for communication. Nina and Maggie try to teach Crowley communication as a substitute for the dance they've been doing around each other. That's the reason they're a part of the plot: they exist to demonstrate the way Aziraphale and Crowley might have succeeded in forging a better dynamic. Sadly, the boys' dance is too practiced and they got sucked right back into it.
It's okay, I think, that Nina and Maggie's storyline never really went anywhere. It wasn't supposed to. It's an allegory, not something that needs to stand alone.
#good omens#good omens meta#good omens analysis#good omens season 2#gos2#good omens season two#crowley#aziraphale#maggie#nina#defense mechanisms#the psychology of good omens#everything is meant#ineffable husbands
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Unpopular opinion, probably.
So I've read many metas, and thought a lot about it and have come to my own personal conclusion about the final 15.
I'm taking it at face value.
Because it was the most human Crowley and Aziraphale have probably ever been and I think that is at least part of the point. Love makes people stupid and they are navigating a very human thing in very unhuman circumstances, and it's hard enough to do as a human in human circumstances!
I think Aziraphale believed the Metatron about Crowley bc he was expecting the worst when TM mentioned Crowley but instead got the one thing he wanted most (him and Crowley together and safe, not Crowley being an angel. ) Crowley was absolutely the carrot here. (and no I do not think Crowley would have been safe or happy, but that's besides the point.) I can't tell you how many times I've believed patently ridiculous things because I wanted to believe them so badly even though if I was looking at the same situation objectively from an outside POV I would see how ridiculous it was, so I totally get it. This isn't to say I think Azi had a real choice to go to Heaven or not and I think he did understand that as well, but I get the temptation the Metatron threw out to him, I really do.
As for Aziraphale literally saying all the wrong things to try and get Crowley to come with him? Um yeah been there done that too, the nerves take over, the brain shuts off, the mouth goes into autopilot pulling stuff out its ass, and "WITAF did I just say?" happens.
Crowley not taking any of it well and only hearing what he expected to hear (I'm not good enough for you bc I'm a demon and you only really want me if I can be an angel) *and* also being more able to see through heavens bullshit bc he has lived it, and can see it from the outside, *and* all whilst being the most honest and vulnerable he has ever been with Aziraphale in 6,000 plus years (or in fact possibly to anyone, ever. the closest before this admitting he was lonely to Azi during the Job minisode,) *then* hearing what he took to be the same Heaven will save us line from Azi was enough to trigger a massive bout of RSD and a broken heart. Everything was supposed to "vavoom and sorted! " and instead the stupid awning broke and everything went wrong. I think I've said it before that at this point Crowley can't hear anything over the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces.
That's a whole lot to pack into the brief moments before Azi has to leave with the Metatron (who let's be honest was rushing him before he could change his mind) esp when neither of them are used to discussing their relationship openly. They didn't have time to think, to ask questions, to share information, (like hey guess what really happened to Gabriel?) Crowley tried to communicate as much as he could about his feelings with the kiss but Azi didn't have the time to properly process all that and said the wrong thing again and Crowley was rejected (he thought) again and it all just went so very wrong. You can't fix a 6,000 year relationship in 15 minutes, you just can't no matter what the story books say.
It's about two people wanting the same thing but not being able to get it (yet) because of circumstances and personalities. All of S2 was about them seeming to be closer than ever (and in many ways they were) but really they were opposed at almost every turn. (in RL not the minisodes, those actually showed them working together and coming out okay mostly, if you don't count wee Morag or Crowley getting dragged to hell) The way they both handled the Gabriel situation, how they both worked to solve the mystery, even how they tried to make Nina and Maggie fall in love were all either done alone, or in opposite ways. I've said it before and I'll say it again, as it was pointed out right in ep1, their exactlies aren't the same and until they are, they aren't going to be able to be together. The one time they did work together in the season, they produced a 25 lazuri miracle. That is the point of the final 15, and the whole season 2 in my opinion.
They'll get there in the end though!
#aziracrow#aziraphale loves crowley#crowley loves aziraphale#crowphale#good omens#aziraphale#crowley#ineffable husbands#aziraphale x crowley#aziraphale good omens#crowley x aziraphale#neil gaiman#anthony j crowley#crowley good omens#gomens#good omens 2#az fell#ineffable spouses#final 15#final fifteen#good omens meta#the final fifteen#aziracrow good omens
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Crows Fanfic AU Idea...
With all the Crows college fics that exist, we've been sleeping on the Crows Community AU. Hear me out...
Summary:
Six very different students share one very common goal: passing a stupid language class at the local community college. They form a study group, new unlikely friendships -- new romances -- and maybe, just maybe, figure out how to pass their class.
Details:
Nina speaks six languages already and the 101 class is so easy for her, why would she bother to switch for something harder? The others find out she’s fluent and beg for help. (Lol, not Kaz though. He doesn’t beg, nor need help. He just shows up to the study group because his class partner comes to the study group and he claims he wants Jesper to actually work so that they can both pass.)
Jesper needs help focusing, Wylan needs help reading and writing in a new language, Matthais struggles with pronunciation and speaking. Inej wants to make sure she's learning correctly. Kaz just uses the the time studying to complete his work.
Class partnerships are: Nina and Inej, Kaz and Jesper, and Wylan and Matthias. Their crappy community college may be a joke, but their motivations to succeed are very real.
Character/Plot:
Kaz: business major, needs the degree to keep his club legal and legally reputable. (It is most definitely not, and he uses it to help the other Crows.) Unofficial leader of the study group despite only speaking one language while everyone else is multilingual. Doesn’t actually need help studying, could do it himself, but there is a lot of group work in the class and he’ll never admit it, but he is entertained by the others and enjoys their company. Especially Inej because she's the only other sane member of the study group.
Inej: social work major, wants to fight for others rights and help the most vulnerable. Like most of the Crows, speaks another language, but it’s not the one being studied in class. Honest and sweet, she (and Jesper) are the emotional core of the group, given her ability to care about the Crows' well being more than studying.
Jesper: agricultural major, hates his major – is pretty sure he’s going to drop out because he doesn’t care about school, a bit of a slacker. Still incredibly smart when he applies himself. The Crows convince him to switch to a trade which is much better for him, now he just needs to tell his dad. (Yikes.) Immediately sleeps with Wylan and they both get awkward about it because they both thought the other wanted something casual, but they definitely don’t. Lets Wylan move in with him.
Nina: nursing major, is only going through the motions to get a degree because the one she already has doesn’t count because it didn’t transfer correctly when she emigrated, which is total bullshit in her very strong opinion. Speaks 6 languages and the group comes to her with help studying – actually in charge of the studying part of the study group. Shamelessly flirts with everyone and is driven crazy taking a relationship at Matthias’s pace.
Wylan: music major, homeless and stealthily living on campus because he technically doesn’t qualify for financial assistance (given his family’s wealth even though he has zero access to it). His father enrolled him in a community college instead of his family’s alma mater in order to embarrass him and expects him to flunk out. Wylan is determined to succeed. Works in the cafeteria, can speak class language very well, needs help with the reading/writing elements. Kaz forges some documents to get Wylan financial assistance and into campus housing. The Crows help him (and Jesper) get academic accommodations. Learns how to get help without being embarrassed.
Matthias: criminal justice major, arrested and released from jail, innocent and falsely accused, but having a difficult time getting back on his feet. He has a difficult time letting go of what happened to him and that it effects/limits his career opportunities. Hates how much he needs Nina’s help to pass the class, but he enjoys the one-on-one tutoring with her more than he wants to admit. He would rather slow down a relationship to court. Nina convinces him to let go of his anger and switch to a lit major, which makes him happier.
I want to read it so badly ... wait, what do you mean that I have to write it first?
#six of crows#fanfic#fic idea#kanej#wesper#helnik#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#nina zenik#matthias helvar
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This is why the ending of Good Omens 2 made sense, actually
Aziraphale couldn't have made any other choice at the end of season 2. There was no need to spike the coffee: it was simply the only decision he could make.
Metatron came to him with coffee, saying he'd also indulged in his time. He showed him, see, Aziraphale! I'm like you! I occasionally like earthly delights too! Metatron led him to believe he was one of the good guys.
Metatron said, you were right. He said, with you in charge things can be different. And Aziraphale HAD to believe him. He had to believe that the problem was Heaven's management, with Gabriel and Michael and Uriel and Saraqael and all the other archangels. He HAD to believe in Heaven's inherent goodness, in God's ultimate perfection. Because if he didn't, he would fall.
If the problem was Heaven itself, if Heaven was toxic as Crowley said, that meant doubting God. It meant falling.
And Aziraphale knows how terrible Hell is. He knows that when Crowley saved a girl from suicide, he was recalled back to Hell and the next time they saw each other several years later, Crowley was asking him for holy water. Holy water!
And he knows that when Crowley was last judged in Hell, they tried to destroy him in a holy water bath. Of course he knows: he was there.
Aziraphale can't fall, because falling means being far away from God, and because falling means Hell, and falling means he can't do a little magic trick to protect Crowley anymore.
That's not getting into how Aziraphale, being a victim of abuse from Heaven, is very very vulnerable to Metatron's manipulation.
Now let's talk about Crowley. Many have noted how Crowley didn't mention he knew the plans about the Second Coming, and he knew what Heaven planned to do to Gabriel.
That's because he believed that "communication" would fix it. As in, talking about his feelings.
I strongly believe that - seeing how fiercely protective he is of Aziraphale and how not knowing could jeopardize his safety - he would absolutely have mentioned all that he'd learned in Heaven if Maggie and Nina, however correct and well intentioned they might have been, hadn't also tried to meddle in aziracrow's relationship themselves (after rightfully informing crowley that they were no game, and their love life was none of his business). You don't talk about your feelings, they said. They were right! But it was the worst possible time to mention it.
So that's what he did, or tried to do. He tried to talk about his feelings, and failed to fix anything. The confession actually made things WORSE for them, driving them further apart, because by that point they were speaking two completely different languages and couldn't understand each other at all.
So, with that setup, the ending we got was the only possible ending we could get.
At the end of the day, I have absolute trust that Neil Gaiman and the team will give our ineffable husbands a worthy ending, though I don't trust Amazon to let them do it at all. Please keep streaming the show and supporting the writers and actors on strike!
#good omens#good omens 2#go2spoilers#go2 spoilers#ineffable husbands#aziracrow#aziraphale#crowley#good omens meta#good omens 2 spoilers
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“Oh yeah, there’s a whole lot of us,” Nina explained, “and that number will probably have grown a little by the time I get back home. We’ve got a couple expectant couples we took in a week or so ago, and most of the mamas looked like they were approaching the old pop.” She popped both the ‘p’s in the word. Nina was clearly a little tipsy, as evidenced by the smell coming from the cup she had with her food. “I’m just glad I found you guys when I did. I am almost out of the gas I had to siphon on the way here. Say, you don’t have any gas to spare here, do you? I mainly need your help with defenses. There’s this group that wants to move in, by force, and we don’t care too much for that. We have, you know, women and children there. Some of the guys can’t really fight. If you come with me, first folks you’re going to meet are our bosses. Then my fellow soldiers and scouts. We’re all really good people. I promise.”
More women that were actually going to bring children into this world? Kyleigh knew that it was necessary for the Earth to once again become something like it was before, but she still didn't like the idea of it. There was too much that could happen with too little that could be done to help. Clearly this place had medical help but that also made them vulnerable to attack, something she did not want to have to deal with. There was enough fighting going on with the dead, she did not want to have to do it with the living too. Unless it was completely necessary. Casting a glance over to Wanda she frowned when the smell of liquor hit her nose. This wasn't the kind of world to just casually drink in though she could understand it if Nina had been traveling for some time. "I think they have some gas, but you would have to ask the people in charge. We haven't been here long so I'm not really sure how that whole thing works." The place where she had come from sounded nice, but unless she could talk about it with Wanda first Kyleigh wasn't giving any answers right away. "Can we have some time to think about it? Let you know in the morning?" That way too Nina could get some rest and make sure that going back with her to her community was what she really wanted.
@onlythatwhichtheydefend
#☾ onlythatwhichtheydefend#☾ v: Welcome To The New Age#☾ (Its The Dead's World; We Just Live In It)#☾ (The Walking Dead)#☾ c: Nina Watson#☾ Ruled By The Moon (q)
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WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY!
Sports Camp started GREAT today! We are so pleased with the turnout. I don't know exact numbers, but I head we had somewhere over 50 campers! That is excellent, especially for a first day.
I love doing sports camp here. The kids are super involved and participate well in the dances, the lessons, and the sports stuff. This sort of thing is still pretty "new" to this area so it's an exciting thing to be a part of. Several returning campers ran up and just hugged our team members right as they arrived. It was really sweet. We also had quite a few first timers.
Kiana taught the lesson today, this week we are teaching about the life of Moses. Our theme for the week is "Game Plan". Kiana taught about the Israelites being enslaved in Egypt and how God had a plan to set them free. She did an awesome job. She's a natural!
Everyone did an awesome job actually. So blessed to have this team! We are a larger team than recent years and it's really making a big difference. Some of the guys were able to help Brody with some things at the church while we were at camp.
BARF Night was also fantastic. I have no idea how many people showed up, well over 100 for sure. This has become a community event that people expect and look forward to. I feel so grateful to be a part of it!
Tonight's testimony was shared by.......(drumroll please).........Martina! How amazing and inspiring is that?!?! She hasn't even been on our High School Mission Venture year and here she is sharing her story with vulnerability in front of so many people. Way to go Nina!!
We had a great family time tonight. It was really our first one because of all the craziness in our schedule the previous days. Everyone on this team understands the importance of being here. They are intentional and loving in their outreach. I saw so many of them meeting new people, getting them involved in the games, or just chatting. We even had some from our team invite some FLDS girls to come play with us.......(another drumroll).............and they did!!! What a change!
We played a massive game of Ultimate Extreme Kickball and Rabbit Sticks. So fun, everyone was super worn out after. I'm sure the neighborhood kids are sleeping well tonight! The kickball game actually ended in a tie of 14 to 14. We made that right by having a player from each team compete in rock, paper, scissors.
Gotta get ready for bed, talk to y'all manana!
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If LB wanted The Darkling to be pure evil, there are literally a lot of things she could have done. But giving him a sympathetic backstory that is actually a legitimate reason for him to turn out the way he did was definitely not the way to do it. If she wanted pure evil, she could’ve given him a backstory that’s just a ridiculous sob story, not “for hundreds of years my people have been hunted and killed because of prejudice and no one did anything about it until I had enough power to.” Do you even realize how easy it is to get people to be on your side when what you want more than anything is for your people to be safe from harm?? That’s literally why we don’t get mad at heroes for killing people, it’s because we know they are protecting vulnerable people.
I’ve seen people say The Darkling is like Magneto (re: his fight against what was happening to mutants), and while that comes close, I think The Darkling is even more sympathetic because at least the XMen had the good sense to have Charles Xavier there to provide a more humane/viable alternative to Magneto’s solutions, and we got to see the difference between their methods. But, in the Grishaverse, we have a monarchy in Ravka that only sees the Grisha as useful for war but also doesn’t let them own property, we have a heroine who doesn’t seem to care about anything except meadows and her childhood crush, we have the entire country of Ravka that seems to only like dead Grisha because “new saint to build a cult over,” then we have the only person who seems to prioritize the protection of these people who have no one and we’re supposed to care that he’s ruthless with anyone he perceives as a threat to his people? When you haven’t given us a viable alternative to his methods? To make matters even worse, he’s not even imagining these threats, he is literally reacting to their aggression, e.g Fjerdans come for Alina, he uses the cut, Zlatan sends an assassin to infiltrate his secure building and kill Alina, but ends up killing another Grisha under his care, he kills the assassin and does Novikribirsk, etc.
This is not a justification of his ruthless methods of punishment for those who are threats to him and his people, this is a “you cannot expect me to focus entirely on his methods when he’s literally the only reason why his people have any semblance of protection” rant. The heroine who we think is going to save the day is basically dragged through her character development and all her progress is destroyed very quickly because of this ridiculous need to pretend that the underdog is always right (Mal, power is evil, blah blah blah).
Somehow, we’re supposed to just be ok with the fact that a group of people who haven’t exactly showed that they care about Grisha suffering are going to save them from prosecution? I mean, let’s not forget that this group includes: Mal who we already know is prejudiced against Grisha, Alina who *sigh* so much potential wasted there, Nikolai who I have decided exists for comic relief because I will not be convinced that a “maybe prince who is also a Jack sparrow type pirate should be king of a country with very complex social and political situations.” Like, I’m looking at this group of supposed saviors and honestly, I would rather take my chances with the 500 year old extremely powerful Grisha who scares everyone. Let’s not even forget that we’re somehow supposed to consider Baghra one of the good guys for “warning Alina,” even though 2 episodes later, we basically see that Baghra doesn’t exactly care about the survival of the Grisha.
Give people a truly evil villain and we will act accordingly. Don’t give us a Magneto type villain with legitimate points and then expect us to treat him like Voldermot or something. You can even decide to not understand Magneto because hello, we are given real alternatives to his problem solving skills right away. But with The Darkling it’s just “he’s pure evil because I said so, but like also this is how he got here, but also he’s super evil, but like do you understand where he’s coming from? but also he’s super evil even though he has points.” That’s not a villain dear, that’s a good person doing bad things and needs to be shown a better way.
You can’t give me an antagonist with a compelling, truly tragic backstory and then be like “now that you understand why and how this character ended up in this dark place and you can see that all this was probably avoidable if so and so did/didn’t happen, let’s totally blow up their life because so what if they’ve deeply suffered?” Especially when there’s a path to redemption right there in the protagonist who you have made sure to establish has a deep bond/connection with this person.
You want to write pure evil? Give me a character that has no remorse, no capacity to care for anyone or anything else, no reason for his cruelty, etc. Don’t give me guy who uses his power to keep his people safe and then falls in love with his soulmate so deeply he can’t stop looking at her and holding her hand in front of the whole country.
Also, can we like actually address the issue that got Nina kidnapped, made the Darkling who he is, and forces all Grisha to basically only have one life plan?
It would be so much easier to believe that The Darkling is a villain if there was an actual alternative to him, but there isn’t.
And btw, in this age of social justice, the fact that LB didn’t think people will see the value in a person from a marginalized community doing whatever is necessary to free his people from oppression is just LOL.
Ok, incoherent rant over.
#aleksander morovoza#darklina#alarking#alina starkov#the black heretic#the darkling stole my heart by being a compelling anti hero#Aleksander Morozova is an anti hero#shadow and bone netflix#grishaverse#shadow and bone#the darkling#rant post
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I've read that article about the romanticization of the Darkling and while I absolutely understand people who are pissed off/sad and I agree that it's shitty, I find LB's attitude towards Darkles stans very funny in a "girl what are you doing" sort of way because it's so petty like I've never heard of a bestselling author writing a portion of their fans into their books as a crazy cult before, it clearly hit a nerve
I'm new to the fandom but the feeling I get is she wrote something problematic ten years ago and became very embarrassed about it afterwards so she turned on the fans that liked it as a way to absolve herself. Especially since fandoms in general have become a lot more focused on discussion of what constitutes healthy/acceptable relationships to write about. And in a way I get it I had a huge Twilight phase in high school and afterwards I was super embarassed about it because of how problematic and cringe it was. But now with distance and more maturity I'm able to both still see why it was problematic and also why I was drawn to it (mostly the very unhinged representation of female desire) and like...it's really not the end of the world and no it never made me believe that breaking into somebody's room at night to watch them sleep was actually ok in real life lmao. This feels so obvious to me but apparently it needs to be said.
(More under the break this is turning into an essay, I've been thinking of this a lot recently)
And of course it's good to have these discussions about how historically romance tropes have echoed social dynamics of men's shitty behavior being romanticized and excused. But these days they often are so simplistic and focused on chasing clout that they become this weird new puritanism and moral panic about oh now women are reading novels it's going to make them hysterical or something
So you have these weird assumptions that you can't like a character and also be critical of their actions, or enjoy certain parts of a character and not others, or wish they were written differently and like them more for their potential (which I'm sure stings a bit for an author lol) - it assumes that if you like a character it means you would approve of their actions in real life, or that people just stupidly reproduce whatever they see on TV. That tendency to treat fictional characters like real people is the thing that actually worries me, to be honest, because it indicates a lack of distance and critical capacities regarding how stories are used and received. But people - fans and authors - are so scared of being called out as problematic and harassed for it that they're going to shy away from any nuance.
And yeah I think that it's good that standards of what constitutes an ideal relationship are evolving and becoming more feminist and communicative and all that and we definitely need more of that. But not all fiction has to be aspirational! Sometimes you just want to read about fucked up shit, because it's cathartic or fascinating, even healing at times because with fiction you are absolutely in control and can choose when to close the book. Toxic relationships in fiction can have an appeal specifically because they go to extremes of feeling that we don't want to go to in reality, in exactly the same way as horror movies or very violent action movies - which I don't see a lot of people besides fundamentalist Christians argue that they turn you into violent psychopaths (and that feels very obviously sexist). And for women, who are often taught growing up that love is the purpose of life, the "saving someone with your ability to love" can be a power fantasy in the same way that being a buff superhero who saves the day with their capacity for incredible violence can be a power fantasy for men. Still doesn't mean those women are going to fall in love with actual murderers or that those men are going to start beating up people at night. And love is scary, and weird, and weirdly close to horror at times, with all the potential for loss of self and being vulnerable and overwhelming feelings and potential for being horribly hurt and it should be possible for stories to explore that without anybody screaming about how this is going to Corrupt the Youth or something
And I mean I get it LB wanted to write a cautionary tale for teenagers, but it just did not work for reasons a lot of people have already written about - the fact that the Darkling is the leader of an oppressed minority and is the only one with a real political agenda to end that oppression in the first trilogy, the fact that he helps Alina come into her own power while her endgame LI is someone she keeps herself small for, that she's shamed for wanting power after growing up without any, a generally very wonky conception of privilege, and a lot of other stuff with yucky regressive implications to the point where stanning the villain actually feels liberating and empowering which is a surefire sign that the narrative is broken (unless it's a villain focused story lmao). But of course that Fanside article makes almost no mention of the political dynamics, it's all about interpersonal stuff which is an annoying trend in YA, there are those massive events happening in the background but it's made all about the feelings of the hero(ine) ; war as a self-development quest (which is kind of gross). Helnik is kind of an example of this too - I like them, I think they're fun ! But Matthias spends a big part of the story wanting to brutally murder Nina and her kind, and he mostly changes his mind because he finds her hot. Like you don't feel there is some sort of big revelation that his entire moral system and political framework is completely rotten ; it's all better because of feelings now.
As a teenager that kind of sanctimonious bullshit would have annoyed the hell out of me ; I read those books in my early twenties and I found the ending so stupid I wouldn't have trusted any message or life lessons coming from them. And I liked reading/watching dark stuff as a teenager, as a way to deal with the very intense inner turmoil I was dealing with - and I turned out fine ! Meanwhile I've seen several times women in very shitty relationships being obsessed with positive energies and stories ; they were so terrified of their life not being perfectly wholesome they ended up being delusional about their own situations.
Like personally I think the Darkling is a compelling, interesting, alluring character and also a manipulative, murderous piece of shit and that Alina should get to punish him (like in a sexy way) - but he's also the end result of centuries of war, oppression and trauma and reducing that to "toxic wounded boy" feels kind of offensive ngl ESPECIALLY since the books don't offer any kind of systemic analysis or response to oppression beyond "the bad guy should die" and "now the king/queen is a good guy our problems are solved!!!!"
In Lives of the Saints, we see how Yuri is abused extremely badly and almost killed by his father, and so when his father dies when the Fold swallows Novokribirsk, he thinks the Starless Saint has saved him. Later in KoS/RoW he's turned into this fanatic who explains away all the Darkling's crimes. The other followers talk about how the Starless Saint will bring equality for all men. Then the Darkling comes back and actually thinks his followers are pathetic, which feels again like a very pointed message to his IRL stans. Which is absolutely hilarious to me. Like oh no, if he was real he would not like you and think you're pathetic ! Yeah ...but he's not. Real. Damn right he would not like the fics where Alina puts him on a leash. I'm still going to read them. What is he going to do about it, jump out of the page ? Jfjfjjdhfgfjfj
Anyway I think the intended message is "assholes will use noble political causes for their own gain and to manipulate people" and "being abused/oppressed is not an excuse to behave badly." Which. Sure. But that's kind of like...a tired take, honestly ? A big number of villains nowadays are like this ; either they've been bullied as kids, or they're part of an oppressed group, or they have "good ideals but too extreme". This is not surprising because a lot of mainstream heroic narratives present clinging to the status quo as Good and change as chaotic and dangerous. And like sure in real life people often do bad shit because they're wounded and in danger. But if you want to do a story like that, you have to do it with nuance, talk about cycles of violence, about how society creates vulnerable people to be exploited, about how privilege gives you more choices and the luxury of morals, etc. The Grishaverse does not have this level of nuance (maybe in SoC a little bit but definitely not in TGT). So it kind of comes off as "trauma makes you evil" and "egalitarianism is dangerous" and "if you're abused/oppressed you're not allowed to fight back". And ignores the fact that historically, evil generally comes from unchecked privilege.
I guess my point is that there are many things I like about LB's writing, she knows how to create these really exciting character dynamics, and the world she has created is fascinating. But these stories are not a great starting point for imparting moral lessons. And her best characters tend to be, at least in canon, the morally grey ones. I hope one day she'll be at peace with the fact that she wrote the Darkling the way she did and leave his fans alone but in the meantime I'm just not going to take this whole thing seriously I'm sorry
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Sorting the Six of Crows Duology
Brief overview of @sortinghatchats system, there are Primaries, the why, and Secondaries, the how.
Spoiler warning for the Six of Crows Duology.
Cut for length.
Kaz Brekker is a complicated sorting. He’s constantly putting on a performance and projecting a certain version of himself to others, that he sometimes seems to fall for this himself. Even though he’s the planner of the group, I think he’s actually a Snake Secondary. He likes dressing up and pretending to be someone else too much and his plans usually involve him manipulating someone. In the beginning of Crooked Kingdom, we see him so easily put on a different persona that Cornelius Smeet doesn’t realise this is the exact same man who dealt him cards only a few hours earlier. There is definitely a very efficient Bird Secondary Model. Kaz makes plans, he has back-ups and tools hidden away. The uniforms he uses that are actually theatre costumes, and even Wylan himself is an ace up Kaz’s sleeve. But ultimately, he’s a Snake Secondary who has no problem adjusting his plan when it fails, where a Bird Secondary would struggle more. Kaz spends most of his time in his neutral state, which he almost uses as a weapon. He maybe even has a neutral state model on top of his Snake Secondary. Kaz is constantly acting like he doesn’t care because that’s what he wants everyone to believe.
Part of Kaz’s secondary bleeds into his primary in that he wants you to believe he’s a completely burned Snake Primary. He wants to believe he’s a completely burned Snake Primary that cares for no one but himself. He’s definitely a Loyalist. He treats Inej’s idealism with too much cynicism to be an Idealist. Over the series he unburns as he begins to admit he cares for the other crows. The question is this a Snake Primary opening up his circle or a Badger Primary getting attached to a group. I’m leaning towards Snake Primary. He isn’t affected enough by the dissolution of the crew at the end of the series to be a Badger. And so many of his ploys are reliant on people being attached to others and love that I think he’s a Snake Primary who expects other people to have attachments. His genuine surprise at Jan van Eck’s treatment of Wylan, and his using Pekka Rollins son to threaten him all point to a Snake Primary mindset. So he’s a Burned Snake Primary who also puts on a performance of a Burned Snake Primary.
Jesper Fahey, who never makes a plan and loves when bullets start flying because in danger is when he works best, is definitely an improvisational secondary. Charming and quick-witted, he has a Snake Secondary Model, maybe even only performance because it really falls down when compared to Kaz’s actual Snake Secondary. Jesper’s someone who just wants to shoot his way out of everything. He could not be more Lion Secondary. He also has a complicated relationship with his Snake Secondary Model, which I think he developed because of his father pressuring him to hide his Grisha abilities. So, for most of the story his Lion Secondary, which wants to be himself, is in conflict with his Snake Secondary Model.
Jesper’s primary is harder for me to decipher. If he’s an Idealist, he isn’t one who ever expresses a moral quandary with what the crows do over the series, unlike some of the other characters. But if he’s a Loyalist, he didn’t feel bad about lying to his father and pretending to be studying at university. Although he did feel guilty about his betrayal leading to Inej almost getting killed, not to the degree I would expect of a Snake Primary. I would have to say I think he’s an immature Lion Primary, who doesn’t really care about anything but his own needs at the start and then grows into being more mature.
Inej Ghafa’s been through absolute hell and still kept her faith both in religion and in humanity. She didn’t hang onto it through human connections or communities, and she doesn’t seem to have any strong attachments to individuals or to the group of the Crows. That makes her an Idealist. I’m inclined to say she’s a Bird Primary. Her morality just seems very chosen to me. Inej chooses to keep hold of her faith and to believe in things bigger than herself. Her flashbacks often include teachings she adopted from her past that she’s adapted to her current circumstances. Killing for example. She needs to rationalise it out and justify it in a way I don’t think a Lion Primary would find as necessary.
Inej is the Wraith. She’s the spy, the one who gathers information. If this were Kaz’s role, he’d probably dress up and pretend to be someone else to get close to his target. But Inej waits in the shadows, using the skills she learnt from her childhood. This could be a Badger Secondary relying on hard work, but her knives strike me as a Bird’s tools.
Wylan van Eck, the merchling rejected by his father and forced to fend for himself in the Barrel, is not a Loyalist. A Snake or Badger Primary would have been harder hit by his father casting him out from the only life he’s ever known. That would’ve been a betrayal they would’ve have struggled to get over. Wylan does struggle, but he’s far more willing to stand on his own. He doesn’t try to find a people or a community, and gets pulled into the crows not on his own accord. With nothing to indicate a system, I’m going to go with Lion Secondary, one that progresses over the series. Wylan starts off with very strong morals and ideas of what’s right and wrong, which changes as he faces the reality of the Barrel and he becomes less idealistic. Yet, he never restructures his beliefs in the way a Bird Primary would. He’s got a particularly strong Lion Primary too, strong enough to stand up to Kaz multiple times, and one I think Jesper admires.
For his secondary, I’m torn between Bird or Snake Secondary. He’s the demo man and his main role in the plot is using his previous knowledge and skills. That would probably indicate Bird Secondary. He’s also a little bit more concerned with having a plan than some of the other characters who are better at rolling with the punches. The main reason I leant towards Snake Secondary is because I think Wylan’s a mirror for Kaz and certainly someone Kaz sees himself in. He uses Snake Secondary in Crooked Kingdom. Pretending to be Kuwei doesn’t weigh on him as much as it would weigh on a Lion Secondary, and part of his role at the end is to put on a performance. I like to think he’s developing his Snake Secondary Model under Kaz, and probably isn’t thrilled about it.
Matthias Helvar’s journey is the classic character arc of a Badger Primary who expands their definition of ‘human’. When he starts the series he has completely dehumanised Grisha under the teachings of the drüskelle. Nina points out the hypocrisy of him valuing human life and being part of an organisation that hunts Grisha and his response is that Grisha are not humans. Once he meets Nina he starts to change his opinion, and over the series he begins to realise that Grisha are also human. Matthias is usually the one who’s thinking about the greater good. When he and Nina agree to kill Bo Yul-Bayur it’s because of the danger he poses to the wider world. And it’s Matthias who ultimately decides not to kill Kuwei. Why? Because he’s one of “us”. Matthias was vulnerable to Jarl Brum and the drüskelle teaching because he desired a group and a community, and he finds this in the crows. There’s an argument for a Bird Primary that learns his previous system is wrong and adopts a new system, but I think Badger makes more sense. Noble Matthias whose main role is as the muscle is a straightforward Lion Secondary.
Nina Helnik is the quintessential Snake Secondary. Her main role in the plot is to be the decoy or the charmer. Before that she was a spy in the army, and that’s the role that fits her best. She switches from persona to persona, playing different characters with ease. Unlike Kaz, Nina rarely uses her neutral state, and delights in her playful, charismatic Snake Secondary.
Nina’s primary is less immediately clear. The fact that she stayed in Ketterdam after Mathias’ arrest and didn’t return to Ravka would probably indicate she’s a Loyalist. An Idealist would at least feel some guilt for not returning to their country and their cause, but Nina puts Mathias above Ravka. Unlike Matthias, Nina doesn’t necessarily dehumanise the drüskelle and doesn’t need a group. If she were a Badger Primary she would probably have more of a community in Ketterdam, but she seemed to have bonded with the crows as individuals. That would mean Snake Primary. Interestingly enough, Nina has the same sorting as Kaz. I think this is the reason that whilst Nina doesn’t necessarily like Kaz she respects him and he her. They both know how the other works and understands how each thinks.
In summary:
Kaz: Snake Primary/Snake Secondary, Bird Secondary Model, Snake Primary Performance
Jesper: Lion Primary/Lion Secondary, Snake Secondary Model
Inej: Bird Primary/Bird Secondary
Wylan: Lion Primary/Bird or Snake Secondary
Matthias: Badger Primary/Lion Secondary
Nina: Snake Primary/Snake Secondary
#sortinghatchats#sorting hat chats#character analysis#soc#six of crows#kaz brekker#jesper fahey#inej ghafa#wylan van eck#mathias helvar#nina zenik
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Gastón Perida for the character challenge??
favorite thing about them:
The puns (the obvious one), he has such a beautiful transformation from a generic popular kid to the one we love, he was clearly playing a bit of a role in S1 and definitely had his wall up. He needed the perfect person to bring them down. He clearly is vulnerable and has insecurities. My friend @booknerdeepika54 has come up with a wonderful theory about him having abandonment issues. Gastón is my original insecure cool, guy who is just afraid to be rejected.
least favorite thing about them
Oxford. Need I say any more? Here is a full essay about why it makes no sense. Or more like it is not Oxford in itself, but how the whole situation with break up made no sense. He only went there because he had Nina's support and could still be with her. He literally says in S2E62 I believe that he won't go if she asks, so if being at Oxford would have meant losing Nina, he would have given it up in heartbeat. He didn't chase her around for a year for nothing. Also, the whole break-up scene did him so dirty, with the nonsensical reasoning and his stoic expression. Why couldn't he cry? Agus can cry on queue, go watch Manuel's suicide scene from Aliados. If he had to leave they should have at least let him go out with a bang and have him burst out in tears when he is walking away. Okay, enough about Oxford. gastón also acted like a doofus in early S1 and when tried to be a player, he also just sucks at asking Nina to things if she is not her girlfriend
favorite line
The whole confession he sends Nina in the S1E79. Also, the line in S1E74 when he tells Matteo about he is going mad about two girls. Pretty much all the ones where he is confused with Nina and felicity and vents to Matteo in S1. Also, I love one he says Nina when he is trying to cover up the Oxford thing. It was just an excuse but definitely meant it
I feel in love with your word without seeing you and feel for you without even thinking. I have never been happier when I found out you were one in the same. Nina and Felicity, the girl of my dreams.
I don't know what I feel for Nina. My heart races she is close and I feel so many things, but I know I love Felicity
The truth is you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want to lose you
brOTP
This is not even a question. Gastteo is the Brotp of the world. they are literal brothers. They are my favorite friendship in media and are how healthy male friendships should be. They talk about feelings, confide in one another, are not afraid of being vulnerable with each other and have no reservations about saying I love you platonically or hugging each other when the other is feeling down. Their friendship was so strong that they fell in love with two small brunettes who were also best friends so they would never be separated. Just read the lyrics of Aqui Estoy, that pretty much sums it up. Matteo could never replace Gastón with Simon & co in S3. I am still salty that no one told Gastó about the fence. Matteo could have died, but no one thought of informing his best friend. Gastón would have sprinted back, at least for a visit, since well, his best friend was in the hospital, but also because he probably was unconsciously looking for a reason for return to see Nina.
OTP
Nina, there is no question about that either. You all know how I feel about Gastina. The original healthy, unproblematic Disney couple who actually knows how to communicate. Their story is both nerd x jock and best friends of the protagonists done right. One of my favorite things about them is that they were never exactly shy on PDA, something that you would think Nina would not like. You'd think they'd moved slowly, but in second episode of S2 we get the locker scene, where Nina was pinned against the wall, and it didn't seem like it was the first time. They didn't kiss in from of people but I think they really should have on at least a couple occasions, but making out in public definitely was not off-limits. They both complete each other perfectly since they are both different but also similar at the same time and they are soul mates. Gastón is exactly what Nina need and vice versa
nOTP
Uhmmm. This is hard. You'd think should be obvious: Delfi, since Gastón doesn't really have other love interest unless you count Flor, which I don't. Some of you might know about my dark past about being a Gasfina shipper, but I don't hate them. I just find them both hilarious how wrong they are (Gastón never touched her once and we know that Gastón is big on physical affection) and second-hand embarrassment for Gastón not figuring it out. But I think they are kind of necessary for his and Gastteo character development from the popular people to their true selves. Actually, I am glad that Gastón doesn't have any other options for his Notp. One thing I thank Disney for is that during that phone call of doom in S3 when Nina tells Gastón about Eric, they didn't make it so Gastón had a girlfriend at Oxford since I firmly believe that he won't have one.
random headcanon
How much time do we have? Okay, I'll just do this one that I firmly believe in. After the break up he went back to Oxford, but still kept in contact with Matteo and occasionally talked to the whole Roller band. He of course was totally heartbroken but tried to pretend that he was fine and doing well, even to Matteo. He did this mostly in an attempt to convince himself that he was fine, when he wasn't. The Roller band bought it but Matteo never did. It took Matteo a month to crack Gastón and have him finally admit what big mistake he made
unpopular opinion
I don't know how unpopular this is, but people have disagreed with me before. Gastón should have never gone to Oxford. Basically, I do understand the view, that it was his dream and he should have not let his high-school relationship stop him. But I am also of the opinion of that if he had stayed, he would have not been unhappy. Like I have said many times: If he had been there for s3 and fighting the red sharks with his friends, best friend, and love of his life, we would definitely not be thinking: "I really wish I'd be alone at Oxford at this very moment". Gastón has never struck me as someone who mopes in the past or what-ifs. I also would have liked to see some more reasoning for why he wanted to go to Oxford so badly. It comes out of a bit of nowhere when it is supposed to be something he has thought about for a long time. The tidbit we get has all to do with Matteo, and Matteo does not end up going in the end. Also it sometimes to me seemed, because of the lack of explanation, that his situation was a little bit similar to Matteo. Basically that the Oxford was like a family expectation, but Gastón did not have anything concrete against it nor he was forced to go like Matteo. the word that it is his dream never comes out of his mouth.
song i associate with them
Outside of Mitad y mitad and Aqui Estoy? Every MYA song for... reasons. But outside of those? Jordan Fishers version of True Love and Far too late and Only you, Lonely you from ALW Cinderella
favorite picture of them
These will mostly be Gastina pics, but my post, my rules'
This was super fun! Please send me more!
#This got long#I feel like this is more about Gastina that Gastón but who cares#Gastina#Gastón Perida#Gaston Perida#Gastteo#Gasfina
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Different People (Different Arguments), 3/14 (Branjie/Jankie) - Ortega
a/n: ayo!! so sorry for the update gap fam, but chapter 3 is here! soooo hope u all enjoy. p.s. i promise I love Nicky, Gigi and Crystal…but every good story has a bad guy right???
fic summary: Brooke Lynn is a political advisor for a government department where she has to contend with an incompetent Minister, maintaining her stone-cold bitch image, working alongside a press team of slackers, and the Prime Minister’s ever-so-slightly terrifying enforcer breathing down her neck 24/7. So when a familiar face from her past arrives as her new boss, she’s not exactly thrilled to add another problem to her ever-growing pile.
And then she admits she’s got a crush on her coworker.
Last chapter: Jackie became a breakout political star after she spoke out against the homophobia and misogyny in the media, and Brooke finally acknowledged that her feelings for Vanessa maybe weren’t as platonic as she’d thought.
In this chapter: When Shadow Minister Nicky Doll and her advisors arrive at DoSac for an informal, pre-election briefing, Jan tries to cope with the stress of seeing her old colleagues again. There’s more at stake, though, when Jackie reveals a secret that cannot get out.
***
Casting her eyes over the meeting room, Brooke attempted to focus on what Jackie was actually saying. She was trying her hardest, she really was, but it was just that Vanessa was wearing the red jumper today, the really soft one that made her look more cuddly and adorable than normal.
Brooke had a crush on Vanessa. She’d accepted that now. The way to deal with it was just to never act upon it, talk about it, or to admit it to anyone outside of her own head. She’d spent so long cultivating the perfect stone-cold, heartless bitch image and she wasn’t exactly going to do anything to taint that now. The most important thing she had to remember was that she didn’t need anyone- she had no desire to be in a relationship, to be tied down and have to answer to someone else all the time. She had a perfectly good bullet to get her off and if she felt like it she could always go and pick up someone random from a bar. There was always that irritating aspect when the afterglow had faded, though, if whoever she’d used for the night wanted to stay over, or heaven forbid see her again. Things were just better as they were, Brooke concluded. She couldn’t get attached, or hurt, or fall in love this way. If there was one thing she wasn’t, it was vulnerable. Getting into a relationship with someone put you in the weakest position you could possibly get.
She would know, after all.
Still, she was allowed to dream about it; an ideal world in which love worked out the way it did in books and movies, one huge cliché where Brooke and Vanessa were happy together and lived in perfect domesticity, had the best sex of their lives and went on adorable dates. It was simplistic and shallow and completely unrealistic, but perhaps that was all it was meant to be.
Gazing at Vanessa again, she was surprised to see her eyes already on her. She was even more surprised when she looked around the room and saw that everyone else was staring at her as well.
“Brooke Lynn?” Jackie asked, staring at her expectantly. She stood in front of a huge whiteboard with marker pen scribbled all over it- generic buzzwords such as “connectivity”, “inclusivity” and “diversity” sprang out to her, but nothing really indicated what Jackie could have previously been talking about.
“Um. The fiscal year?” Brooke guessed blankly. Jan laughed from across the table, throwing her head back and letting her blonde hair cascade down the back of the chair. Jackie didn’t find it as funny.
“For God’s sake, Brooke, this policy is only going to work if everyone pays attention and has some form of input other than just staring at me with glassy eyes like they’ve been goddamn taxidermied!” she sighed, sitting her pen down on the table and sliding into an empty chair. Brooke felt a pang of guilt- Jackie had been doing well in the two weeks that had followed her Von’Du interview and had received heaps of public support and attention. The perfect time, Bianca had insisted, to get some new ideas out there and into parliament.
“Sorry. Remind me of the premise?”
Irritated, Jackie rolled her eyes before Vanessa cut in with a sweet smile. “Issa scheme to get the UK to house more refugees and get ‘em into work therefore boosting the economy, diversifyin’ the nation and basically makin’ us look like good guys to the rest of Europe.”
Brooke shot her a grateful smile across the table, trying her best not to blush.
“Thank God someone’s been listening,” Jackie smirked. “We’re basically just trying to come up with a name for it. Or a tagline or something.”
Brooke pressed her pen to her lips, thinking for a second. Nina suddenly piped up from beside her.
“What about…Don’t be bigoted. Be uninhibited,” she said, her suggestion met with utter silence from the rest of the group.
“Well that was nice, Nina, but how about something a bit less…” Jackie thought for a second, trying to find the correct word.
“Shit?” Brooke shrugged, Jan once again letting out a peal of laughter. Vanessa was clearly trying to conceal her giggles from the other side of the huge table, while both Nina and Jackie looked unimpressed.
“Do you have any better suggestions?”
“No, and I’m not going to pretend like I do! I’m not going to just yell out any old crap like I’ve got shit idea Tourette’s,” Brooke shrugged, Jan now bent over in her chair from laughter and Vanessa now audibly giggling. Brooke couldn’t tell, but she could have sworn Jackie let out the tiniest snort of a laugh before regaining composure.
“Ladies, please, this is important! This is a good damn idea, if I’m allowed to blow my own trumpet, and we’ve got to get it out there sooner rather than later,” she insisted. A loud, harsh vibration from Nina’s phone startled them all.
“Bianca’s here,” she announced, trying to keep her tone bright. Before the girls even had time to react to the news, Bianca had appeared in the room in a smart, tailored black and white suit.
“Good morning to you all, shit Spice Girls impersonation act,” she smiled cheerfully.
“Mornin’, Bianca,” Vanessa greeted her.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Jackie quipped dryly, lounging back in her seat.
“Two things from me,” Bianca began, ignoring the Minister’s sarcasm. “The shadow minister’s visit, today at 11. They’re going to be talking to Nina and the rest of those brain-dead, civil-service puppets out there about what’s going to happen if they take office. Nina, your job is to basically communicate to them that they’ll be taking it out of my cold, dead hands.”
“Fuck, that’s today?!” Vanessa exclaimed somewhat involuntarily, earning her a steely glare from Bianca which in turn made Vanessa look as if she was seconds away from death. Reaching into her pocket and retrieving her phone, Brooke fired off a quick text to Vanessa under the table.
B: It’s okay. Snakes only eat once every few weeks x
As Bianca briefed Nina, Brooke watched as Vanessa looked down into her lap and smiled, a light blush colouring her cheeks very slightly, although that could have just been the light of the room. Satisfied that she’d made Vanessa feel better, she tuned back in to what Bianca was saying.
“…you tell them nothing. Except where the toilets are, but you lie about that.”
“So who’s actually accompanying Nicky today? I’ve heard nothing and I want to make sure I’m relatively prepared for whoever enters my department,” Jackie folded her arms across her chest, already defensive.
“You already know about Nicky. Privately educated daddy’s girl and massively out of touch with the electorate. Probably a lizard wearing a human skin suit, I’ve never particularly wanted to get close enough to her to check if that theory’s true,” Bianca shrugged. “The other two coming with her are going to be her advisors, Gigi and Crystal.”
“Oh no,” Jan suddenly exclaimed from her chair. Her face had gone incredibly ashen, her eyes wide and fearful. Suddenly Brooke was acutely aware that she no longer had only Vanessa to worry about. If Jan’s old colleagues and ex-friends bumped into her it wouldn’t be particularly pleasant, and Jan would no doubt be incredibly shaken. Crossing the floor was like a betrayal, pledging loyalty to one party after being aligned with another was treacherous, and so it was likely that Gigi, Crystal and Nicky still wanted Jan’s head on a stick.
“Oh yes. Gigi Goode, bit of a newborn as far as politics is concerned but she’s got impressive credentials. Graduated from Oxford University with a first class degree and a PhD in Politics and Business. Won the World Universities Debating Championships five consecutive times. She’s confident, clever, and has zero scruples. Knows every loophole in the world of politics,” Bianca reeled off. Jackie raised her eyebrows, clearly impressed.
“She sounds interesting.”
“Don’t even make contact with her, she’ll probably have you telling her the fucking nuke codes and all the department’s discrepancies within the first 30 seconds of meeting her. Crystal Harness is a different story,” Bianca frowned. “Not too good when it comes to actual political knowledge. Nina, you and her would get along. She’s a baby too, really, not been in the game long. Graduated from Oxford Brookes. Second class degree in Psychology and Sociology. Don’t think for a second that this is a reason to underestimate her. She is cunning and has intellect and knows everything about everyone, don’t let her see you break a sweat.”
Jackie looked momentarily terrified. “I didn’t realise Nicky had some kind of metahuman task force working for her.”
“They’re not that bad,” Brooke sighed, tipping her head back in her chair. “If you talk to Nicky entirely in cockney rhyming slang, she’ll just combust. Gigi is fine if you give her a fake smile or two. Crystal is basically simple. You’ve got nothing to worry about, Jackie.”
Feeling the mood in the room change, Brooke turned around in her wheely chair and was met with Bianca’s icy stare.
“What part of ‘don’t underestimate these people’ do you not understand? What, you think they’re here for a jolly little chat with Nina about worker’s rights and office hours? They’re here to get intel, and I want you all to be more airtight than some middle-aged white woman’s Tupperware. And no, that’s not a euphemism.”
Brooke watched as Vanessa wrinkled up her nose in distaste. She had such a cute little nose, and Brooke found herself imagining how perfect it would be to just kiss it gently before they both drifted off to sleep together in a little house that they shared. Frowning involuntarily, Brooke chased those particular thoughts out of her head. They were way too intense, too weird and commitment-y for her friend she had a stupid crush on. Remembering what Bianca had said earlier, she turned and faced her.
“What was the other thing? You said you had two things to tell us.”
“I’m getting there! Right, Jackie, I’ve got you a good photo op this evening. Some new charging points for electric car owners, it’s going to be the biggest one in the UK and a big step for climate change, yadda yadda yadda. We’re going to get you driving in a fucking Prius or something, charging it up and then driving out again. Pretty simple, but effective- what? What is it?”
Every head in the room turned to face Jackie, who looked as if she’d seen a ghost. Her hands were gripping the edge of the table, her knuckles white. She’d turned pale, her face ashen, and she seemed worried.
“Driving? No, I can’t drive, there’s no way,” she babbled, her usually calm and composed exterior completely destroyed.
“Jackie?” Jan prompted quietly, clearly concerned. Brooke shared a brief look of confusion with Vanessa. It was clear nobody had the faintest idea what was going on.
“I mean, you can drive. We have your drivers’ license, you sent in a photocopy as proof of identification when you received Darienne’s job. I don’t really see the issue here?” Bianca curled her top lip, completely unfazed by Jackie’s behaviour.
“Bianca, you don’t understand…I’ve not driven in ages, I…do you not-”
“Do I not what?” Bianca cut in, her irritation mounting by the second. “Look, I don’t really have time to stand here and argue the toss. This is part of your job. You’re doing the goddamn photo op. Christ, this was the girl who two weeks ago was desperate to get on prime time television. Now you’re shitting yourself at the thought of driving a bloody battery operated car. Get it done. 6 o’clock tonight. See you all later.”
As Bianca click-clacked out of the department, the mood in the room was still very tense. Almost frozen, Brooke thought, the tiny hairs on her arms standing up from goosebumps. Jan was the first to speak.
“Jackie, are you okay?” she almost whispered, her voice both deafening and quiet in the silent room. There were a few seconds (minutes?) where there was no response at all, in fact Brooke was almost convinced that nobody even breathed. Finally, Jackie spoke.
“Yep. All good. So, um, if you ladies can continue thinking up some form of line or title we can use or something while you’re finishing off that immigration data, and Nina if you can just forward me the protocol for Nicky’s visit again so I can read over it, then that would be great,” she said, her body almost frozen in place and her face wearing a fake smile.
Deciding not to push it any further, Brooke simply nodded and walked back to her desk. It wasn’t long before Vanessa was following behind, rolling her own wheely chair along to sit beside her.
“What d’you think all that was about?” she whispered, leaning her elbows on Brooke’s desk expectantly. Brooke couldn’t help but stifle a laugh- Vanessa could be such a gossip and it was one of the things that was oddly endearing about her. Trying not to be too taken in by her perfume and parted lips, Brooke instead threw up her defences again and rolled her eyes.
“I don’t know, ‘Ness. To be honest, it’s not my place to ask. It’s not yours either,” she chastised softly, hitting Vanessa gently on the nose with her pen. Wrinkling her nose and pulling away, Vanessa shrugged.
“You’re right, I know. Still, she was kinda rattled. Hope she’s okay,” Vanessa frowned, nibbling on her bottom lip.
“She’ll be fine. Honestly. Just go and do your damn job.”
“Hmm. Winding you up’s more fun, baby, but I’ll do what I’m told,” Vanessa winked at her, shooting back off to her desk in her chair.
Feeling her heart speed up, Brooke fleetingly wondered if maybe the feelings she had for Vanessa weren’t entirely one-sided. That was flirting, right? Brooke wasn’t reading too much into it? Or maybe she was. Reality brought her back down to earth with a bump, telling her what a ridiculous thought that was. Vanessa saw Brooke as a friend and a co-worker, and that was where her feelings ended. Brooke couldn’t let herself get carried away or distracted with the idea that Vanessa would ever treat her as anything more than what they already were.
Letting out a huge exhale of breath, Brooke opened up the immigration spreadsheet and was about to start working when there was a thud of two elbows on the empty space to her left. Turning slowly in an attempt to conceal her flinching, she was met with Yvie; head in her hands, black dreads cascading over her shoulders and a huge, smug grin on her face.
“Don’t even say a word,” Brooke warned her, clearly too late as Yvie began sniggering a laugh behind her hands.
“I wasn’t actually here to gloat, but now you mention it…” Yvie joked, lolling lazily against Brooke’s desk. “So you’ve not admitted anything to anyone else. In fact, you’re probably maintaining the fact that there’s nothing to admit. But you’ve definitely admitted something to yourself, because I think your face is so red that you could go stand at a street corner and act as a traffic light.”
“If you keep talking, I’m going to staple your mouth shut,” Brooke glared, grabbing the stapler on her desk for emphasis. It didn’t seem to intimidate Yvie at all, who was still grinning maniacally and completely unfazed.
“Hey, like I said! Not here to gloat at all. I’m actually not here to talk about your deep feelings for your coworker in any way. Just thought you might like to know that Akeria texted me this a couple minutes ago.”
With that, Yvie produced her phone and held it out to Brooke so that she could read the screen.
A: ahahaha yeah. Big Silk with the fuckin bodyshots man!! Don’t actually know how she made it in today. Also, 100% confirmed Nicky’s looking for stuff to take Jackie down with bc she’s still pissed about that dig in the Von’Du interview. watch ur back xo
Attempting to ignore whatever conversation that had been going on before, Brooke focussed on the important information. She wished she could say she was surprised by the shadow minister’s plan but in all honesty, she’d highly expected it. Sighing, Brooke handed Yvie her phone back.
“I mean, I’m not too worried. What can she possibly dig up? Jackie will’ve been vetted by Bianca already,” she shrugged, clicking on a single cell of the spreadsheet half-heartedly.
“She got pizza delivered to the office last week?”
“That’s not even- Yvie. Come on,” Brooke raised one eyebrow in disbelief. “The papers would be hard pressed to conjure up a paragraph on that. Jackie will be fine.”
Appearing to be satisfied, Yvie pushed herself off the desk and made to return to her seat, but not before turning back to Brooke with the same smug look on her face as before.
“You know, I don’t think anyone in the office could’ve missed that wink Vanjie gave you just there. Whatever you’re feeling, I don’t think it’s as one-sided as you think,” she smirked, making sure to keep her voice low. Unsure of what to reply, Brooke simply narrowed her eyes, picked up her stapler and clicked it twice in warning. Chuckling, Yvie sauntered back to her desk.
Trying not to even entertain the thought that Vanessa could like her back, Brooke continued with her work. All of the numbers suddenly seemed scrambled and jumbled up, making no sense to her whatsoever. Feeling as if she was about to scream with frustration she made to ask Jan for advice until she noticed her desk was empty. Come to think of it, Jan hadn’t actually left the meeting room with her and Vanessa. Bullshit if she was getting away with doing nothing while Brooke worked on this entire set of figures by herself. Getting up and smoothing her skirt down she made her way to the meeting room only to find it empty. Puzzled, she began to walk slightly aimlessly down the corridor, her curiosity piqued at the disappearance of both Jan and Jackie. It was unlike Jan to just wander off without telling either Brooke or Vanessa where she was going.
Reaching the photocopier and a dead end with no Jan in sight, Brooke was about to give up and ask Nina for help instead when she heard two sets of muffled voices coming from the stationery cupboard.
“I’m just panicking, I know. But I feel like I have good reason to. I mean, it’s going to be absolute carnage if this gets out.”
“It won’t, don’t worry. I still can’t believe Bianca missed that when she vetted you. But please don’t panic, it’ll all be fine! I’ll speak to Nina and I’ll get her to quietly cancel it.”
Jackie and Jan. What the hell were they in the stationery cupboard for, and most importantly, what were they talking about? Whatever it was, it sounded serious. If it was serious business, Brooke deserved to know. Making to burst open the door in a show of outrage, she stopped herself when Jackie’s voice spoke again.
“I just feel like such a failure. I should’ve known it would get out, I should’ve said something-”
“Hey! You are not a failure,” Jan’s voice cut in urgently. There was an odd sort of pause in which Brooke wasn’t quite sure what was happening. “You’re a good person, Jackie, and a kick-ass politician. You’re the best thing to happen to this department since I arrived, even if I do say so myself.”
Soft laughter, then Jan’s voice again. “You’re incredible. Don’t ever doubt that.”
Another pause. Brooke couldn’t quite bring herself to move, somehow feeling as if she shouldn’t be hearing this at all. Composing herself, she rested her hand on the door handle.
“Jan I…this might seem inappropriate, but-”
“Okay, what the hell is going on in here?” Brooke demanded as she flung open the door and revealed herself. Both girls seemed to jump back a bit, Jackie looking to the floor awkwardly and rubbing the back of her neck, Jan’s mouth forming a perfect circle as her jaw dropped in shock. They had both gone bright red, which Brooke thought was odd for two colleagues having a professional conversation.
“Jesus, Brooke, you scared the crap out of me,” Jackie breathed out raggedly, her voice spooked but holding an underlying note of irritation.
“I don’t care, you haven’t answered my question. What were you talking about? What’s going to be carnage?” Brooke replied, keeping her glare cold. Jackie kept her eyes trained on the floor, not seeming to want to look up anytime soon. Jan still hadn’t spoken.
“Close the door,” Jackie said finally, sounding a little shaken. Feeling the wind slightly knocked out of her sails, Brooke did as she was told and watched as Jackie steadied herself on the shelf and sat on an unopened box.
“Um. Do you remember I kind of went off grid after uni? A lot of people were asking after me and couldn’t really find me.”
With a pang of guilt, Brooke’s first reaction was that she hadn’t really cared. She’d been glad to see the back of Jackie at the time, if she was honest. Times had changed, though, so Brooke simply nodded instead. Jackie wrung her hands together, her face completely racked with nerves.
“I wasn’t in a good place. My mental health spiralled out of control pretty dramatically once I graduated, I struggled to find a job for a while and when I did, I got way too into it. I would work myself into a frenzy, I’d do consecutive days on two hours of sleep…at one point I was averaging a panic attack per day. I didn’t really, um. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about things. I tried going to therapy but it just didn’t help. I don’t know…it felt like I was making progress just being able to know that I was visiting someone, I guess, but I wasn’t really. Anyway, you don’t need to know my sob story,” Jackie frowned, shaking her head repeatedly. “To cut a long story short, I was driving into work one day, trying to do twenty things at once as usual. It was idiotic, but I was on the motorway and a text came through from my boss and wanting to seem like I was organised and in control, I tried to type and drive at the same time…the motorway was quiet, there was nobody around me…fuck, sorry-”
As Jackie’s voice broke slightly, Jan crossed over to where she sat and rested a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“I crashed into the barricade in the central reservation doing fifty miles an hour. God knows how I’m still alive. The police obviously came along with the ambulance and the fire brigade and of course they wanted to know how it was that I managed to crash on a clear stretch of road with no other drivers around me. I’ve never been able to lie to save myself, so I just told them. I’d only passed my test the year before that, so they took my license away. That’s why I can’t do the PR thing. It’s illegal for me to drive. I got a fake license purely so I could take this job.”
Leaning against the door, Brooke felt she wanted to sit down too. This was so much to deal with. She couldn’t style herself out as not caring about this, because she actually felt sick to her stomach with guilt. She couldn’t believe Jackie had coped- or not coped- completely on her own through all this horrible mess. Even though there was no way she could have known, Brooke just wished she could’ve done something differently. She desperately hoped Jackie was better now.
“Jackie, I’m so sorry.”
“No, no, don’t be sorry. This isn’t about me being…enormously god damn mental in the head, or whatever,” she snorted a derisive laugh. “I’m more worried about how we’re going to placate Bianca. Jan said she’d talk to Nina and get her to cancel the shoot but Bianca’s going to ask questions.”
“Well it’s not your fault she didn’t vet you properly,” Brooke shrugged, how Bianca would feel the absolute last thing on her mind right now. “So she can just deal with it. How Bianca feels doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re okay.”
Jackie looked up at her, her face grateful but slightly taken aback at this raw show of compassion. Truthfully, Brooke was also slightly shocked at how kind she was being towards her. She was grateful for the shout that came from the hall suddenly.
“Brooke? Guys? You in there?” Vanessa asked, as she opened the door and stepped inside the stationery cupboard that was ever-decreasing in space. Confused by the presence of her boss and the two other advisors, her perfect eyebrows became furrowed together. “There some meeting I didn’t know about?”
“Yeah, in the stationery cupboard. It was really important, girl, did you not get the memo?” Jan laughed affectionately. Laughing briefly at her own ridiculous assumption, Vanessa then tentatively looked at everyone else again.
“So…why we all here?”
Brooke briefly looked at Jackie, then sighed. “Jackie can’t do the PR stunt because legally, she’s not allowed to drive. She got done for texting while driving years ago and her license got revoked.”
Vanessa’s mouth dropped open a little as if she was about to ask how, then shut again as she clearly decided against it. “Does Bianca know?”
Giving her an affectionate smile, Brooke raised her eyebrows at her. “V. Come on. Use your brain.”
“Fuck, ‘course not. I’m so not with it today. So what’s happenin’?”
“Jan’s telling Nina to cancel it and when Bianca finds out, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. What’s important here is Jackie,” Brooke said decisively. Shocked again at the vulnerability she was showing, she smoothed down her black pencil skirt and sniffed once, trying to ignore just how close Vanessa was in the tiny space. “So that’s settled. Can we all get out of this cupboard and do some damn work? I feel like I’m suffocating.”
Without speaking, the four girls filed out of the cupboard as if the conversation had never happened. Brooke’s head was still slightly spinning as she slumped back in her chair, the excel spreadsheet now more confusing than ever. She was still attempting to take in everything that Jackie had just told her. It was so much to process, and Brooke couldn’t shake the guilty feeling that was settling in the pit of her stomach, the feeling that maybe there was something she could have done to help all those years ago. Sighing, she cast her eyes to Jackie’s glass-fronted office where the Minister was now typing into her phone, her face failing to betray anything about the heartfelt conversation that had just taken place. Why the hell did Jackie have to confide in her like that? Life would be so much less stressful if everybody just kept their guard up like Brooke did.
Still, she mused, everyone would probably be a whole lot more lonely.
Suddenly, Brooke’s phone screen lit up with three messages at once- two from Jan, one from Vanessa.
J: I would love to, that sounds amazing (: we could go for sushi?? Wardour Street has some really nice places! Xxx
J: whoops wasn’t meant for you lol sorry
Brooke would probably have been about ten times more intrigued and curious about Jan’s text if she didn’t have a text from Vanessa awaiting her.
V: I don’t care what kind of front you try to put up, you’re kind and caring and a total sweetheart x
Not even daring to look up and risk meeting Vanessa’s eyes, Brooke reached for a piece of paper on her desk and began to fan the blush that had just flooded her cheeks. Trying her best not to think about what Yvie had said earlier, she began to compose a reply.
B: You’re a cutie. Don’t tell anyone I was nice to you though, being a bitch is kind of my brand x
Risking a peek up over her monitor, Brooke watched as Vanessa picked up her phone and giggled, covering her mouth with one perfectly manicured hand.
God, it was going to be a long day.
***
They had arrived.
Brooke felt like a bird of prey as she stood beside Jan and watched from above as Nicky and her two advisors were greeted by Nina in the lobby. Even from six floors up Brooke could tell that Nina was hating the fact that she had to be at the very least civil to the three opposition members. Narrowing her eyes, Brooke watched closer.
Nicky was using the tactic she employed every time she had a television interview; gushing about how happy she was to be here, playing the humble, meek elected representative of the people. She was wearing an immaculate navy pencil dress with what appeared to be a Tiffany heart around her neck, and her sleek blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a bun. Following dutifully behind her were two others. The first girl Brooke heard before she saw- a cry of excitement at being in the building had been the very thing that proclaimed the arrival of the opposition. She was still making an obscene amount of excitable noise which travelled up the floors of the lobby as if it was riding the elevator. Squawker- or Crystal, Brooke supposed she should call her- was equally well turned out. She gave off a clear professional vibe in her button-down shirt, blue skirt and little heeled boots, and her curly red hair was swept over one shoulder.
“Gigi needs her roots done. See?” Brooke whispered to Jan, not taking her eyes off the three opposition members. Receiving no response, Brooke turned to look at her friend. Jan’s shoulders were tensed up as she trained her eyes on the member of the opposition in question. Her style was immaculate and she wore a pressed white shirt with huge sleeves and a pair of smart tailored black trousers with her high heels. Her long, blonde hair had been immaculately styled and blow-dried, and Brooke found herself wondering how or if she had the time to do that every day. Looking to Jan again she found her brow furrowed, biting at her long, painted nails.
“Jan, come on. Don’t ruin your nails, you’re better than that,” Brooke scolded, grabbing gently at Jan’s wrist and pulling it away from her face. Jan finally turned to meet her eyes before looking quickly back down at the floor again. “Hey. Talk to me.”
Sighing, Jan leant against the balcony, watching as the opposition were led away to the lift. “Sorry. I know I’m not myself today. It’s just this is really, really freaking me out. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve seen these girls since I crossed the floor, but to have them here where I work? It’s just a lot. It sounds dramatic but like…it kind of feels violating, if that makes any sense?”
Brooke nodded slowly. “I know you’re worried about it. But you’re being really brave about the whole thing. And hey, you kind of have an advantage, I guess! They’re on your territory, they’re not familiar or comfortable with anything here. Mainly because nothing’s engulfed by the flames of hell or costs over £10,000.”
Snorting a brief laugh, Jan’s face grew somewhat blank again. “I mean. Their tanks are on our lawn, though, they know we’re shook.”
Rolling her eyes, Brooke laughed derisively. “Jan. These private school bitches are not going to take power. You live in this country at the moment, do you really think the public are going to vote for people like Nicky?”
“Well, the public are idiots.”
Brooke gave a snort. “Jan, you can’t say the entire nation are idiots.”
“Yes I can, I’ve met them,” Jan deadpanned, signing off with a smile. Brooke relaxed against the balcony, comforted by the fact that Jan clearly felt a little better.
“Listen. One single day. One day of smiling and nodding like a puppet and just taking whatever crap or snide comments or shade they throw at you. You’ve handled so much worse,” Brooke smiled reassuringly, resting both hands on Jan’s shoulders. Comforted, Jan made to turn back to the department when suddenly she whipped her head back round.
“Brooke,” she murmured. “What if they find out about Jackie?”
“What, that she exists? I know it was a crushing disappointment to us all but they’ll get over it some day,” she deadpanned. Jan gave a colossal roll of her eyes.
“No, you bitch! The license thing,” Jan sighed in exasperation, raising her voice just a little.
Brooke paused for a moment. It was weird how protective Jan was of her boss. She was never like that with Darienne at all. Fair enough Jackie was far more competent but still, it wasn’t as if the two shared some deep personal connection or anything. Brooke thought about asking her about it, but instead decided that that probably wasn’t what Jan needed right at this very moment.
“Who’s going to tell them? Me? You? Vanessa? Jackie herself? We’re the only ones that know. Come on, Jan, think,” Brooke tapped the side of Jan’s head once, punctuating her point. “It’s not going to get out.”
Smiling slightly, Jan seemed to compose herself and took one deep breath. As if something had occurred to her, she let out a laugh.
“God, what’s happening to you, Brooke? First you’re nice to Jackie for once and then you listen to me vent for ages. Your cracks are showing,” Jan smiled. Brooke attempted to style it out by shrugging, secretly a little unnerved that her recent empathy was being noticed.
“Stop psychoanalysing me, psycho, and let’s get back to our desks.”
No sooner had both girls turned the corner towards their office when they came face to face with the three members of the opposition coming out of the lift, Nina leading them. Jan immediately froze in place, seemingly unable to move. Brooke wanted to do something, anything to reassure her but before she could even look at Jan, Gigi’s cold grey eyes met her own.
“Nicky,” she turned to her boss, her cheerful, light voice at odds with the stare she was giving Brooke. “You go on ahead with Nina. Crystal and I are just going to have a little catch-up with a couple of old friends we haven’t seen in a while.”
Brooke wasn’t easily intimidated and she swore that today would be no different. As Gigi and Crystal advanced towards them, she drew her shoulders back and tilted her head, not giving a single thing away on her face. She could feel Jan growing more and more timid beside her. Christ, if these girls were planning on giving her friend a hard time then they’d be leaving the department in an ambulance.
“Brooke Lynn. Jan! So good to see you both,” Gigi began, her smile smug as she rested one nonchalant hand on her hip. “God, how long has it been? When was the last time we saw these two, Crystal?”
“Gee, Gigi, I don’t know! Did they not serve us at McDonalds when we went to get nuggets a couple days ago?” Crystal chimed in, flashing a quick, amused smile at her friend. Brooke muffled a derisive laugh as she shook her head. She couldn’t quite believe the schoolyard bullshit that these adult women were trying to start in her department. Still, if this was the game they were playing, then Brooke would play accordingly.
“Clever, implying that we’re both in minimum wage retail sector jobs! Something which your party loves to shit on very often. I love it,” Brooke smiled sweetly, gently clapping her hands. Gigi gave a fake laugh.
“Ladies, relax! It’s just some classic cross-party fun, no harm meant by it. You know that, right, Jan?” she flashed her a false smile. Brooke watched as Jan, shoulders now so hunched she was practically concave, gave a meek nod in response.
“You know, we really miss you, Jan,” Crystal nodded somberly, her voice high and sweet and almost-but-not-quite masking the fake sincerity behind her words. “Nicky’s always saying how open she’d be to having you back if you’d ever want to cross the floor…again! Gigi and I miss you too. We miss our friend.”
With that, Crystal reached a hand out and touched Jan’s arm gently. Flinching a little, Jan finally met her former colleague’s eyes and gave a weak smile. Brooke felt a flame of anger sting her veins as she watched the whole interaction. It was the same every time Jan ran into these two- they would start with the bitchy high school bullshit and Jan would be unable to ignore it, growing more and more quiet and subdued with every passing comment. Fuelled by her anger and dislike of behaviour of the two girls in front of her, Brooke snorted sardonically.
“Friend? Spare me the bullshit, you’d stab yourself in the back if it meant you got ten more followers on Instagram. Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to get back to work. You know, being in power? But this has been lovely,” Brooke flashed her bright white teeth in a smile, which Gigi returned equally as insincerely. “I haven’t had the conversational equivalent of hepatitis C in a long time.”
“As always, Brooke, you’re a very funny girl. Quite the comedian,” Gigi gave a tight-lipped smile as she stepped to one side and cleared a path down the corridor for the two girls. Hooking her arm through Jan’s, Brooke began to leave and had taken roughly three steps when she yelled her retort over her shoulder.
“I’ve got a lot of jokes, but none as good as your boss!”
Still fuelled from the frustration coursing through her veins, Brooke steered Jan the rest of the way down the hall and into the small kitchen like a demented steam train. It was only after she flicked the switch on the kettle so hard she thought she might have broken it when Jan spoke.
“I know they annoy you, babe, but don’t be too hard on them.”
“Don’t be too…Jan! They were standing there making you feel like a sack of shit, I wasn’t going to sit back and let them rip you to shreds! God, I can’t believe you’re defending them,” Brooke cried, grabbing two mugs and two teabags so hard she felt they might crumble apart in her hands. Silent for only a moment, Jan began playing with the edge of a tea towel, deep in thought.
“They were my friends once though. Who knows, maybe…maybe they were being serious. Maybe they do want to be friends again.”
As the kettle reached boiling point, Brooke took one deep, calming breath and began pouring them cups of tea. Part of her hated the way that she’d been conditioned into going straight to the kettle when something was angering or upsetting either her or her friends, as if a ridiculous hot drink was going to help make things any better. Vodka, now that would go some way to really help the situation. If Brooke and Jan shared a 75cl bottle, they’d be able to get so wasted that those idiots from the opposition wouldn’t bother them anymore. The bottle would also be ideal for smashing over Gigi’s smug face. Too bad it was too early for alcohol, Brooke mused, as she handed the smaller girl a steaming hot mug of tea. As Jan gave a grateful smile and began to sip, Brooke found herself wishing she could knock some sense into her. One of Jan’s biggest strengths was very feasibly also her biggest weakness; her determination to always focus on the good in people, to ignore their flaws and instead choose to look at their positives. It was something that made Jan such a horrendous judge of character. Christ, she’d worked for the opposition for a year, after all.
Casting another glance at her friend and deciding she’d visibly gained back a little of her confidence, Brooke grabbed her own mug off the countertop.
“Right, come on,” she said decisively. “We’re going to go back to our desks and drink these up and get on with our work, because these snakes that have slithered into the department don’t change a single thing about how capable you are as a professional. Okay?”
With a stifled smile Jan led the way back to the office, leaving Brooke wondering if she could still maintain the bitchy façade she always presented to the world if she was getting this good at cheering people up.
***
Sadly that wasn’t the only encounter they had to suffer with the opposition that day. Nicky soon appeared in the department’s offices with Nina, almost as a grand finale to the tour of Dosac she’d been given so far. She watched with narrowed eyes as Nicky made her way from desk to desk of the comms team, shaking hands and smiling in a sickeningly sweet manner that made Brooke want to hurl. Gigi and Crystal hovered behind Nicky’s shoulders like little cartoon devils and angels, except in Brooke’s opinion neither of them had many angelic qualities about them.
Attempting to ignore the gatecrashers in her office, Brooke turned back to her monitor. She supposed that maybe both Gigi and Crystal were pleasant people. Perhaps even Nicky at a push. They might still have been fun and friendly people to hang out with, after all, the politics they followed didn’t define them. Suddenly remembering a very obvious exception (Hitler), Brooke sent another withering glare the opposition’s way. Hit with another pang of doubt, she reasoned that comparing Nicky Doll to Hitler was perhaps an overreaction. Tuning out of the immigration stats that sat in front of her, Brooke instead found herself listening in to the conversation between Nicky and Nina.
“The space here is lovely. Very professional, very focused. There’s maybe about twenty-five percent that I’m not okay with, though. I think I’d prefer isolation booths for everybody to work in- it’ll keep everyone more on task,” Nicky asserted, Brooke noticing out the corner of her eye how Yvie and Scarlet both recoiled in horror at the thought of not being able to chat and keep each other going throughout the day.
“Okay, so you’d prefer isolation booths in addition to the longer working hours of 8.30am til 7pm, and only half an hour for lunch,” Nina confirmed. Her hair was twice as big and frizzy as it usually was, probably as a result of tearing half of it out in frustration after the amount of hours she’d spent with Nicky.
“Christ, does she want us chained to the phones as well?” Adore mumbled. Brooke immediately tensed up- if she had heard that comment, then Nicky definitely had too. Sure enough, Nicky whipped her head round and stared Adore straight in the eye.
“That’s very funny, but no. I would not be chaining people to phones, I would simply be employing popular and common tactics that are used by employers the world over. Something which you wouldn’t have to worry about, because I wouldn’t have you working for me,” she smiled fake-sweetly, her voice getting more and more clipped as she reached the end of her sentence.
Brooke found herself praying that the opposition would never reach any position of power whatsoever if they were going to have this tiny dictator running the department. Adore had slunk down into her wheely chair, as if trying to make herself invisible. Suddenly, Brooke heard Jackie’s office door open behind her.
“What the hell is going on out here?” she muttered as she reached Brooke’s desk, looking straight at the visitors to the department. Glad of an opportunity to relieve the tension, Nina once again plastered the fake smile on her face.
“Minister, may I introduce your opposite number, Shadow Minister Nicky Doll,” she smiled at Jackie, waving a hand at Nicky as if she was unveiling a booby prize on a game show.
It was interesting to watch how the two women regarded each other. Nicky immediately narrowed her eyes, pursing her lips together in a display of agitation at no longer being the highest authority in the room. She made no show of moving to shake Jackie’s hand, in fact she didn’t appear to want to speak to Jackie at all. Instead, Jackie herself made the first move and stepped forward once, twice, finally reaching a safe distance and holding out a hand for Nicky to shake. Her face was placid and gave nothing away. Almost Sleeping Beauty-esque, Brooke thought.
“Nicky, it’s so good to finally meet you properly,” she smiled calmly as Nicky gingerly took her hand to shake. “I hope you and your team have had a good day in the department?”
“Oh yes, it’s been lovely. Although obviously there are a number of things that will need changed once we get into power!” Nicky gave a fake little laugh, her eyes still hostile.
“Well. If,” Jackie wrinkled her nose in a smile, which Nicky returned sourly.
Brooke was suddenly distracted by a buzz from her phone. Yvie.
Y: Christ there’s more fake smiles in here than the outpatients’ at a fucking plastic surgery
If Brooke had been in the mood she probably would have been howling with laughter, but the tense, uncomfortable conversation was still taking place.
“I found it interesting that you chose to highlight my disagreement with Manila Luzon in your interview with Chad Michaels. I felt it slightly undermined your point about the need to raise other women in politics up when you yourself were clearly intent on taking me down,” Nicky continued to smile falsely, the bitter undertone to her words not going unnoticed by Brooke. Jackie kept calm, smiling lazily back and raising her eyes to the ceiling.
“Oh, I don’t know about undermining my point. In order to make a good argument, you have to present some evidence to back it up, and that’s all I was doing. I’m sure you understand it was nothing personal,” she said, giving a little nod.
Nicky flared her nostrils, her face now unimpressed as she swept a hand through her hair, rendering her bun a little messy. “Well. It was lovely to meet you anyway, Jackie, but I still have numerous issues to talk through with Nina. If you’ll excuse me.”
With that, Nicky turned on her heel, not even bothering to wait for a reply. On her way back to Nina, she stopped to murmur something in Gigi’s ear, which then resulted in Gigi marching round the corner. Brooke could have followed her up, but was too distracted by Jackie coming to hover at her desk.
“Numerous issues? I’ll bet she has numerous fucking issues, God. Let’s hope that lot never get into power, she’s more unhinged than a flat pack IKEA cupboard,” Jackie whispered, causing Brooke to splutter a laugh. Jackie smirked at her reaction, then her face grew suddenly serious. “Did you know if Nina managed to get that photo op cancelled?”
“She did it about half an hour after we spoke. Jan really got on her back about it, so it was pretty impossible for Nina to wriggle out of it,” Brooke explained offhandedly, trying in vain to focus on her work. Looking up, she noticed that Jackie seemed to have a faraway look on her face.
“She’s so good, isn’t she? Jan. She’s just incredible. So organised and on it,” Jackie said quietly to no-one in particular. Confused, Brooke simply nodded. Apparently remembering where she was, Jackie cleared her throat, smoothed her skirt down and returned to her office.
Around ten minutes later, Brooke thought she was making some real headway with the persisting immigration data. That was until she almost jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand come crashing down on her shoulder. Spinning around rapidly in her wheely chair she was shocked to see Bianca looming above her, her face grave as her eyes met Brooke’s.
“Bianca, holy fuck. You scared the crap out of me,” Brooke sighed, Bianca not even cracking a smile as her grip on Brooke’s shoulder tightened and she escorted her out of the room. Brooke’s stomach churned as she was led out into the corridor. What the hell was happening, or what the hell had happened, or what the hell was about to happen?
The bright white light of the corridor contrasted violently with Bianca’s expression, which was the personification of the wrath of God itself. She was silent for a moment, which prompted Brooke to tentatively speak first.
“So, um. Why did you want to see-”
“I want to know why a certain Sasha Belle over at transport now has the very same PR stunt I very nearly passed a kidney stone to secure for Jackie,” Bianca snapped. Her voice was cold and low, and Brooke felt goosebumps prickle over her skin just hearing her speak. She felt conflicted. Half of her wanted to reveal Jackie’s personal reasons for having backed out; it was a legitimate excuse and might even make Bianca feel some form of remorse, God willing. On the other hand, it was a part of Jackie’s life which Brooke was sure she wanted to leave behind, and if more and more people knew about it, well. That would make it increasingly hard to forget. Biting her lip, she tried to tell a white lie.
“She had personal reasons for backing out. We decided as her team of advisors that it would be best if she didn’t go through with it.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what deeply held personal fucking reasons she had against it, it is her JOB to go to photo ops, it is her JOB to give herself media coverage!”
“Well she couldn’t even if you wanted her to. Not legally anyway,” Brooke found herself saying, her voice too loud in the echoey hallway. Bianca raised her eyebrows a little, as if urging Brooke to go on. Slightly regretting having not simply kept her mouth shut, Brooke continued.
“Jackie had her driving license revoked. It was years ago- she was texting while driving and crashed on the motorway. So even if she wanted to do the damn publicity, she couldn’t,” she explained, sighing as Bianca’s face slowly took on a look of realisation. “I don’t know how you didn’t already know this, Bianca. Her license was fake, I don’t get how that slipped by you. I thought you did background checks on everyone that came within a five mile radius of the party.”
Bianca exhaled loudly, slowly running one hand down her face. She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it, then opened it again.
“When I asked you about Jackie, it wasn’t just a casual, out-of-interest enquiry. We were seriously fucking desperate. We had nothing on her, nothing on her at all apart from the fact that we knew she had a degree in politics and she’d been around the stock exchange for years. We were just desperate to get Darienne out of the party and stop the fucking spiral of madness she was driving us all down. Her position had become toxic, Brooke Lynn, nobody we approached about the job would touch it. So we needed somebody unknown, someone who wouldn’t know or understand who she was succeeding. That’s why we failed to do intensive background checks. I mean, we established that Jackie hadn’t murdered or stabbed anyone, for Christ’s sake. But everything else we had to skim over. We couldn’t have had Darienne in her job for any longer, it would have just…it would have just killed the party.”
Brooke could sort of understand where Bianca was coming from. Taking a calming breath, she suddenly felt the panic rise up in her throat again. “But Bianca, if this gets to the papers-”
Bianca cut her off, holding a single hand up in front of her face and looking down the corridor with suspicion. Wordlessly, she walked to the double doors at the end of the corridor and wrenched them open. Behind them stood Gigi, who jumped at the sudden movement.
“Oh. Hello Bianca. I was just, uh. Trying to find the toilets. This department is like a damn labyrinth, you know?” she laughed awkwardly, almost paralysed under Bianca’s glare.
“Do you want a massive cup to press against the door too, or are you good?” she quipped dryly.
Brooke’s heart began to palpitate nervously. Gigi had clearly been behind that door and listening for quite some time. How long, she didn’t know. But if she’d heard the reason why Jackie couldn’t drive, this was all different kinds, shades, textures and flavours of bad.
“Bianca, really. All I heard was that Jackie wasn’t exactly vetted properly. Which, you know, could be kind of a big story in itself, I think,” Gigi smiled cunningly. All at once, Brooke wanted to laugh. Attempting to get the upper hand on Bianca Del Rio was an interesting tactic, one which basically ensured you weren’t going to win. Deciding to step back, Brooke let Bianca take the reins.
“Oh, I see! You were looking for a story! Well here, here’s a great one for you,” Bianca smiled sinisterly, putting Brooke in mind of a predator about to pounce. “Did you know that Jaqueline Cox is sitting in that office there despite the fact her driving license got revoked? She crashed her car on the motorway because she tried to text and drive at the same time. Did you not know that?”
Brooke watched as Gigi’s face lit up at the revelation. She had to admit she didn’t really know where Bianca was going with this or what she had to gain from revealing the information to one of the Shadow Minister’s aides. As Brooke attempted to interject, Bianca simply turned and fixed her with a smile.
“You didn’t know that, no?” she asked Gigi again. She simply shook her head, delighted at what had just been revealed. “Oh, wait, of course…you wouldn’t know that! Because the only people who do know that are, um, Miss Cox…her three advisors…and me. If this information got to the press…I would know that it came from you.”
Brooke wanted to practically jump for joy as she saw Gigi’s face fall, growing very apprehensive as Bianca took two steps towards her. Her voice lowering, Bianca continued the onslaught.
“And I would rain down upon you so hard that your body would have to be re-assembled by crash team investigators-” she hissed. Gigi opened her mouth to defend herself and Bianca immediately stopped her. “- do not fucking interrupt me, girl. Now, you breathe a word of this to ANYONE, you fucking living toothpick, and I will-”
Already shaking with laughter, Brooke ducked her head out of the door and ran into the offices.
“Jan! ‘Ness! Come quick. Bianca’s going off on one at Gigi,” she stage-whispered, the two girls looking up, bemused but quickly following Brooke back to the corridor doors nonetheless. The double doors were fronted with a small pane of clear glass, which the three girls all peered through to see Bianca continuing to verbally grill Gigi, now far less composed than she was before.
“…I will eviscerate you, right? And I mean, I don’t have your education, I don’t know what that means. But I’ll start by plucking your eyes out and I’ll busk it from there. Okay? Glad we’re agreed. Have a great day.”
As Gigi stumbled back down the hall in a daze as if she’d just crawled out of an avalanche, the three girls on the other side of the door tried to compose themselves after their laughing fit.
“Bianca has such a way with words,” Jan mused, wiping tears from her eyes. “So why was she yelling at Gigi, what had she done? Looked at her?”
Brooke explained what had happened to the two girls, watching as their facial expressions shifted from confused, to fearful, then some semblance of reassured. There was still an aspect that was a little panicked, however, the knowledge that Gigi knew about Jackie’s past clearly worrying them both.
“Look, don’t give it too much thought. Bianca has it all under control. She always does,” Brooke reassured them, shrugging as she walked back to her desk.
“Guess I’m happy to trust Bianca,” Vanessa smiled, relaxing a little. “Hey, you ladies had lunch yet?”
“Not yet. Pret?” Brooke offered, Vanessa smiling beautifully and picking up her bag from her chair. Brooke didn’t miss how Jan simply nodded silently, her face still troubled, clearly not as trusting of Bianca as Vanessa was.
***
As the three girls sat huddled around Jan’s desk eating their lunch, Brooke watched as Vanessa scoffed down her messy meatball panini with marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese that oozed out the side and made long, inconvenient strings. She could have teased Vanessa for her shambles of a lunch but she decided against it, instead choosing to compliment her.
“‘Ness, how can you eat literally whatever you want and still look so good?” Brooke asked, attempting to look offhanded but still feeling like her guts were made of jelly as the words came out her mouth. It was hugely tiresome how much more nervous and self-aware she was around Vanessa now that she’d actually acknowledged her crush on her. It was much harder to pretend things were purely platonic if she gave her a compliment.
In response, Vanessa simply smiled bashfully and shrugged, her mouth full of food. “Hey, I always wonder the same thing about you, baby. I’d kill to look like you.”
“With these thighs? Girl, no you wouldn’t,” Brooke snorted, trying to keep herself from blushing.
“You got good thighs,” Vanessa insisted, making Brooke wonder just how much attention Vanessa paid to her legs. Snapping out of it, Brooke told herself that she was probably just being kind. After a beat of silence, Jan cut in.
“Well, I know both of you find me wildly attractive and are also madly jealous of my amazing figure, which is why neither of you have said anything,” she joked through a mouthful of salmon salad. Brooke gave her a playful shove, shocked when she heard a little cry.
“Jesus, Jan! It wasn’t that sore.”
“That wasn’t me. That came from Jackie’s office,” Jan said gravely, looking at the Minister’s office door where she could just see the blonde bun belonging to Nicky peering over the strip of frosted glass. Exchanging concerned looks, all three girls made their way over.
Brooke was the first to walk in and when her gaze met Jackie’s her heart sank. She was sitting behind her desk and had turned pale, her eyes frightened and huge in her face which had gone almost ghostly white. Turning her gaze to Nicky she noticed that the girl seemed smug in some way, as if she had the upper hand. In a moment, Brooke knew exactly what had happened.
Gigi had spilled.
“Miss Doll, you ain’t actually allowed in here. This is the Minister’s private office,” Vanessa began in a valiant effort to stick up for Jackie who was clearly past sticking up for herself.
“Oh, it’s quite alright. Jackie and I were just having a little chat. A little reminisce on the past, if you like. Well. Her past,” Nicky smiled, casting an amused gaze at Jackie whose face was ashen and defeated as she sat at her desk. Brooke suddenly felt herself overcome with fury.
“I hope you’re giving Gigi a big pay rise for that information. She won’t have much time to spend it though once Bianca finds out. I’d maybe give her two…three days left to live?” she hissed, her face contorted as she glared at the shadow minister.
“Brooke Lynn, is it?” Nicky addressed her, Brooke momentarily wondering how she knew her name. “Brooke Lynn. We all know what it’s like in politics. Unfortunately if someone has some information on someone else, it’s only natural that they’re going to exploit it. And that’s all that’s happening here! It’s not personal. Just professional.”
“Like hell are you exploiting anything,” Jan spat, her face dark. Come to think of it, Brooke had never really seen her so angry, but the tiny girl was like a spitfire as she narrowed her eyes at her old boss. “You know full well where to draw the line between personal and political information. If you leak this to the media then you’re more reprehensible than the party you represent.”
“I’m sorry ladies, but this is how you play the game, and I play to win. I’m not really prepared to discuss it any further,” Nicky rolled her eyes, picking up her bag from where it sat on Jackie’s desk.
Just as she made to leave, Nicky turned to see Bianca standing in the doorway of Jackie’s office, glancing with confusion at the scene in front of her.
“Bianca!” Vanessa cried, for once happy to see the Prime Minister’s enforcer. “We were just talkin’ about how Nicky maybe shouldn’t go to the papers about Jackie…? Telling them about her driving license? Tryin’ to think of a reason why this would reflect badly on her party in some way…?”
Brooke watched as Vanessa looked pleadingly at Bianca, willing her to do something, anything to spin them out of the situation. Bianca for her part seemed calm, upbeat even.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe she should! Good idea!” she shrugged, flashing a smile Nicky’s way as she turned and made to leave the room.
Vanessa’s face immediately dropped as if she’d been slapped. Jan’s expression was completely blank. Brooke didn’t know what to think. It seemed as if Jackie was holding her breath, and Nicky simply stood rooted to the spot, her eyes still on Bianca as if she knew there was more to come. Sure enough, Bianca reached the doorframe, stopped, and turned on her heel.
“Oh, shit, wait a minute! I know why she shouldn’t! Because you know, if she did that…she’d be dead,” Bianca said simply.
Brooke watched as Nicky blinked silently at her. Bianca continued to speak.
“To me. To her advisors. To her party. To the electorate. And the only job she’d get in power is for this government’s catering company sweeping up crumbs as a kitchen cleaner, because I’d call every journalist I know, which of course- that’s all of them! Isn’t it Nicole! And I’d tell them all that lovely little story I’ve had saved for a rainy day, about a certain Right Honourable Lord Doll- how is your Dad, by the way?- and how he enjoyed a lovely five years as a member of the Bullingdon Club at university, a club so fucking morally bankrupt they had a exposé film made about them! Of course, the homeless person your Dad had to burn money in the face of for his initiation- he didn’t enjoy it so much. Nor did the live pigeon he had to bite the head off of either. And I believe there’s also rumblings about…something about a pig, which I won’t go into. And so I’d quite happily email all these journalists any photos and soundbites and CCTV footage they wanted, because I’d say…I’d say that’s quite a big story. I’d say that would probably contest a Minister’s silly little eight-year-old car accident in the running order of the ten o’clock news. That’s what I’d tell her,” Bianca finally finished calmly, smiling a little at Nicky whose mouth was now hanging open like a goldfish. Turning to Vanessa, Bianca simply nodded on her way out of the door. “But maybe you should tell her!”
Catching Vanessa’s eye, Brooke couldn’t help but burst into a triumphant grin. Vanessa returned the smile, now completely relaxed knowing that Jackie had the upper hand. Nicky was still standing completely still and hadn’t moved since Bianca had left.
“I’ll, um. I’ll ask Nina to get your coat,” Jackie addressed Nicky pleasantly, sitting at her desk and pushing a single number on the phone as Nicky simply nodded wordlessly.
Brooke wanted to burst out laughing. Bianca had her enemies in Westminster, but she was also an absolute mastermind.
***
They had made it through the day. They always did, after all. They were a great team, Brooke thought, and God help them if they were ever disbanded in any way. Sitting in a quieter corner of the office with her head tipped against the head of the sofa, Brooke took a deep breath. It was often needed at the end of days like these. Jan sat to her right, curled up against the arm of the couch and simply staring into the distance. Thinking for a moment, Brooke turned her head and stared at Jan.
“Do you think Bianca really had all that stuff to back up what she said about Nicky’s Dad?”
Jan smirked and met Brooke’s eyes. “It’s Bianca. She’s a walking, talking database. She probably has shit on all of us. She probably knows stuff about us that we haven’t even done yet.”
Before Brooke could even try to get her head around Jan’s words, Vanessa joined them. She flung herself against the sofa dramatically, gently tilting her head so that it rested in the crook of Brooke’s shoulder. For a second she could barely breathe.
“I wonder what she’s going to do to Gigi when she next sees her. Can’t imagine I’d want to be in her six-inch heels right now,” Brooke continued, trying to talk through her breathlessness.
“We talkin’ about Bianca?” Vanessa murmured, nuzzling her head against Brooke’s shoulder to get comfortable. Christ, why the fuck did she have to do that?
“Yeah,” Jan smiled wistfully. “God, I’d be running for the hills if I was her. Alyssa’s charity ball is in three weeks, remember? I wouldn’t put it past Bianca to stage a live crucifixion as the night’s entertainment.”
Brooke felt Vanessa laugh softly against her side. She was such a warm, happy person, at least when she wasn’t stressing her head off at the latest party shambles. She was too good to be working here, but Brooke was so glad that she was.
“So you’re not going to be ditching us to run back to the opposition anytime soon then? Not going to be meeting up with Gigi and Crystal for a cute little catch-up coffee?” Brooke only half-joked, turning to address Jan again. She watched as Jan’s face grew a little dark, her brow furrowing as she let out a derisive laugh.
“I’m not fucking with anyone who attempts to sabotage Jackie’s career,” she said forebodingly.
There it was again, Brooke thought, this protective side to Jan which she’d never really seen before. She didn’t think she’d ever get over how strange it was.
Footsteps behind the sofa prompted all three of them to turn around. It was Jackie- she’d freshened up her makeup a little and had sprayed some deodorant or perfume or something that smelt nice. Reaching the sofa, she gave a warm smile to the three girls.
“Thanks for your support today, ladies,” she said sincerely, leaning on the back of the sofa. “It was a tough one, but we got there in the end.”
“Sorry that Nina couldn’t arrange an alternative bit of PR in time, Jackie,” Vanessa smiled apologetically. Jackie let out a small laugh.
“Are you kidding? That was a blessing in disguise. After the day I’ve had the last thing I want to do is go and feign interest in electric cars for an hour,” she shook her head. “Seriously though, thank you. You three are a total blessing.”
Brooke was surprised when she then turned to face Jan, her expression turning a little shy. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah, two minutes. I need to pack up and I’ll be good,” Jan smiled timidly back at her, her cheeks going a little red.
“Okay. I’ll wait at the lifts. See you tomorrow, girls,” Jackie said finally, waving goodbye to Brooke and Vanessa before walking away.
Vanessa tipped her head off Brooke’s shoulder to lean forward and look at Jan, who was grabbing her coat. “Where are you two off to then, Miss Ma’am?”
Jan stopped in her tracks, as if she hadn’t really been expecting the question. “Oh! Um, Jackie’s just giving me a lift home.”
Brooke screwed up her face at her friend. “A lift home? In her car? That she drives? Is that meant to be a joke?”
Seemingly realising her mistake, Jan smiled and shook her head. “I meant her driver. Her driver’s going to drop me home on the way back to Jackie’s.”
Brooke sat blankly for a moment, turning to Vanessa and seeing her face hold the exact same expression. Vanessa laughed in disbelief. “Your flat’s five minutes away, you lazy shit!”
“Hey, give me a break! I’m exhausted, a five minute walk is still a walk I don’t want to do, and I’ll take what I can get,” Jan shrugged, grabbing her bag and making to leave. “Bye, girls. See you both tomorrow.”
Brooke gave a tired reply as Jan made her way out of the department. Sighing, Vanessa leant against the arm of the sofa, kicking her legs over Brooke’s lap and subsequently causing Brooke’s pulse to quicken by about 90%. They sat in silence for a moment, Brooke’s brain too full to even contemplate starting a conversation. Luckily, it was Vanessa that spoke first.
“Do you think something’s goin’ on there? Between Jackie and Jan?”
Brooke paused. If it were any other situation, she’d maybe have thought Vanessa was right. But this was work, and sometimes people got incredibly passionate about their party and the people that ran it. Jan had had to put up with Nicky, and then Darienne. It was only natural that now that she was finally working for someone competent of course she was going to want with every fibre of her being for that person to do well. Turning to face Vanessa, Brooke made a doubtful face.
“No, girl. Jan’s just loyal. She wants to see Jackie do well. That’s all I think it is anyway.”
Brooke watched as Vanessa knit her brows together, frowning momentarily then casting her gaze into her lap.
“You know-” she began, then cut herself off as she decided against saying whatever she had to say. Then, changing her mind, she began again. “I swear you’re so blind half the time, Brooke Lynn. I think you have your guard up so high you can’t even see when someone has feelings for someone else. It’s kinda…I don’t know. Anyway. It don’t matter.”
Brooke watched, astounded as Vanessa swung her legs off her lap and stood up. Her face was bright red, as if she was embarrassed in some way. Brooke felt she had to reply, but she had no idea what to say or how to respond. She simply blinked at Vanessa, as if her last ditch attempt at communication was morse code.
“I’ll, uh. I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Vanessa continued, smoothing down her dress and smiling as if she hadn’t said a thing. Going along with the façade, Brooke nodded slowly. “Bye, Brooke.”
As Vanessa’s footsteps retreated down the office and into the lift, Brooke just stared straight ahead and tried to make sense of what Vanessa had said, or what it even meant, or what the implications were. It had felt like she was mad at her in some way, although Brooke couldn’t figure out what she’d done. What had she meant by it all? It made Brooke’s head hurt.
She was still there when the cleaners arrived half an hour later, and she still hadn’t managed to unscramble her brain. Giving up, Brooke grabbed her coat and bag and made her way to the lifts, stuck with the feeling that somehow she’d left something behind.
#rpdr fanfiction#ortega#different people different arguments#branjie#jankie#the thick of it crossover#government au#british au#brooke lynn hytes#vanessa vanjie mateo#jackie cox#jan sport#nina west#yvie oddly#scarlet envy#jaida essence hall#bianca del rio#nicky doll#crystal methyd#gigi goode
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Dance Magazine Article: PNB’s Amanda Morgan Is Raising Her Voice Against Injustice
Date: June 15, 2020
By: Lydia Murray
On June 4, Pacific Northwest Ballet corps member Amanda Morgan posted an Instagram video of her impassioned speech at a Seattle protest in response to George Floyd's death.
After introducing herself to the cheering crowd as the only Black ballerina in her company—an accomplishment, yet an indictment of ballet's progress in increasing diversity—she championed accountability for action and inaction.
"Society may have tried to silence the voices of the marginalized, but you will never silence me," she finished, fist raised.
The clip has received over 14,000 views.
Dance Magazine spoke with Morgan about her activism; her hopes for diversity, equity and inclusion in ballet; and her advice for other dancers who want to speak out against injustice.
You're the only Black female dancer at PNB. What has that been like?
I started in the school when I was 15 and didn't see anyone in the company who looked like me. I remember feeling down at times, because other students would say, "I'm like this dancer," when we were watching the company. I would think, Oh, I'm not like anyone. That was hard, and I didn't think I'd get into the company because of it. But I really wanted to get in, not just for myself, but so that other little boys and girls wouldn't have to experience that.
What led to that change in your mindset?
I've always been very determined, gone after what I wanted and stood up for what I believed was right. But I had a teacher at PNB named Le Yin who pushed us to do the kinds of turns and jumps that guys did, and didn't talk to us like we were students. It gave me that confidence to say, "I shouldn't hold myself back because of what I look like, even though it may be harder."
You've been very vocal about racial injustice, especially in recent weeks, and you've protested against racism and police brutality.
In the dance world, we're realizing that there are injustices within ballet, but it's so much bigger than ballet. It's bleeding into every part of Black and brown lives and the Black and brown experience. Part of it was, "I want my ballet company and the ballet world to realize that this is important," but I also need the world, my government and my country to listen, and realize that we clearly have a system that is not benefiting all communities. It never has. We need a way to dismantle that, because we have the capacity to do so now.
Being the only Black ballerina at PNB, I've always been talking about race. I feel like it comes with the job.
On Instagram, you recently posted a video of yourself speaking at a protest, sharing words you'd written in response to George Floyd's death. And you thanked your arts family for protesting alongside you. Were the artists from PNB?
Some of the artists were from PNB, but the other people came from Seattle Opera, Seattle Symphony and other small arts organizations in the area.
I've gone to the protests every day except for about two or three days. The protests and protesters have been peaceful, but the police have not been peaceful. As someone who grew up in Washington state, it's upsetting to me that the police are not really protecting us.
Another reason I'm protesting is that the brother of the only other Black girl at my old dance studio was murdered by the police in March. His name was Manuel Ellis. It really hit me that anyone that I know could get murdered in that way. So I'm marching for him as well, and hoping that he gets justice.
It's so important to use our platforms to let people know what is actually happening.
You've directly called on leaders in the ballet world to be more vocal about addressing racial injustice. Can you talk about your decision to do that and what you want to happen as a result?
I think a lot of people need to realize that everyone wants to say the right thing, but at the end of the day, you need to just get it out there.
I know that people are doing things outside of social media and behind the scenes. I don't want to discredit that. But I'm paying attention to who is speaking out and who isn't, who is highlighting other Black artists and who isn't and who is using their platform to educate their followers, rather than doing it as a performative act, like just putting up a black box and saying "Blackout Tuesday" with no additional resources.
In an Instagram post, you recommended Ta-Nehisi Coates' Between the World and Me. At one point in the book, Coates writes that he wishes for his son to "feel no need to constrict" himself "to make other people feel comfortable." That reminded me of your speech, when you said, "I hope for a world in which I will not have to explain to my children how to act in public around police for fear of their lives being taken away."
As a Black woman in ballet, have you felt a need to constrict yourself?
Before all of this happened, I was working on a piece for Seattle Dance Collective with another Black woman named Nia-Amina Minor. We were making a piece about spatial injustice, and the Black female voice and perspective in the city and in dance. Working on that piece made me realize that, a lot of times, I've felt myself shrinking. I'm not just a Black woman, I'm a very tall Black woman. I also have a unique quality of movement, in addition to being able to do ballet.
I didn't necessarily have my voice shrink, but I felt my dancing shrink. I tried to fit in with the corps, I tried to dance smaller, I tried not to move as big because I didn't want to stand out as much. I think my body naturally adapted to that environment, and shrank.
Ballet is restrictive, but I realized that you can be expansive within these restrictions. I'm looking forward to eventually dancing again and playing around with that idea.
I've been choreographing with a contemporary style, but it's a little bit softer in the way that it's danced. I've never been able to do things that are more soft and vulnerable and elegant, so I want people to do that in my pieces.
We have to base casting on more than how someone fits into a mold. We want to push people to be the best artists they can be, and make a part their own. If we hold onto that idea, then maybe race or gender will not stick as much in people's minds.
I haven't been used in a lot of things that choreographers have come and staged, because they've already made the piece on another company. They say, "She doesn't really fit into any of these parts," but there's barely anyone I look like in the dance world. That doesn't mean that I can't do it just as well, and make it fully my own.
Shortly after you debuted as a choreographer, you wrote on Instagram, "Life has shown me that if you don't see what you want to see around you, create it." Was there a relationship between creating what you want to see through choreography, and pursuing social change as an activist?
Yeah, I think there's a direct relation. As a choreographer, I don't want to use my art to deflect, but to reflect on the world around me.
I've only had a dance career for four years, but I decided to start choreographing early in my career because of visibility. Even though I stand out due to being the only Black woman, having my voice or narrative heard was not a thing. I had to assert myself in these spaces in a different way. And I realized a way to do that was by being the person at the front of the room, making the piece.
What do you think ballet organizations should do going forward to continue the work of diversity, equity and inclusion?
To create more connectivity within organizations, because that can lead to conversation about more difficult things to talk about, like race or gender.
During the pandemic, I started a mentorship program at PNB with Cecilia Iliesiu, where we spent six hours each week speaking with dancers in the school. The students were all talking about what's going on in the world. A lot of them are white, but they wanted to know what I was feeling. Everyone at PNB is talking about how we're going to implement things differently. I'm hoping that happens in other companies.
Organizations need to think critically about, What are we showing as a ballet company? What are we saying, visually, and who are we leaving out? Whose story isn't being told? In most of our ads, it's always white people. Black dancers could see that and think, I don't really want to audition there. It's the same thing with audience members. We need to serve not just one community, but all communities.
For so long, ballet has just given a white narrative. We need to give different types of people the opportunity to choreograph in ballet companies, because then you're going to see different stories.
A lot of people say that we need to hire more Black dancers, and yes, that's important. But we also need to have more Black artistic directors, and Black female executive directors or Black board members. I also think we need to have racial equity coordinators or managers, so that if an institution does step out of bounds or something is a little iffy, that person can speak up about it.
I recently met with over 70 Black dancers from professional companies all over the world via Zoom, which really gave me a sense of our power as Black artists. Even though we can feel so tokenized and alone in our own companies, we're not alone in this, and we never have been. So many people have paved the way for us, and we're just continuing that work. We have to pay homage to that as well.
I've always stuck by the Nina Simone quote that says it's an artist's duty to reflect the times. I think if we do that, like with what's happening right now, people are going to be more inclined to see ballet, and that's how we'll keep our relevancy going into the future.
Do you have any advice for other dancers who want to speak out against injustice?
I've been reading Audre Lorde lately, and she said that we think of silence as protection, as a way to shelter ourselves from pain. You're still going to feel that pain and anger regardless of whether you speak out. I hope that people speak out in a constructive way, of course. I don't think rehashing the past continuously is the best way to do it without having action items in that conversation.
This is a global movement and a pivotal moment that's happening. If you're not talking now, but you have in the past, I don't understand the reason. This is the most important time to do it. Before, some people were paying attention, but now, everyone is. There are no distractions. People have the time to sit down at home and think. So get their attention and say what you need to say now, especially if you have a platform. And vote!
#amanda morgan#ballet#ballerina#article#dance magazine#dancemagazine#anti black racism /#police brutality /#murder /#irl death /#death /
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HSMTMTS Thoughts Episode 8
Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7
(~1300 words)
“And Benjamin Mazarra said run, so I ran,”
Ricky’s first thought is to tell Gina
Aww Big red is so sad about his props being dead
“Lucky Ducky Puppet Pavillion?” Something about hearing this come from EJ makes it funnier (also… should I write about baby Ashlyn and EJ going to the puppet theater as kids??)
Carlos speaking spanish!
“Yes I am that feeling,”
“On your right, heads up! Sorry!” “Don’t apologize this is like… a weird adventure,” Seb and Ashlyn, I love them!
If Carlos hadn’t said anything to EJ, and just let him carry it, EJ literally wouldn’t have looked into it.
“You were gonna spend senior year without me?” I’m starting to feel like Kourtney doesn’t know who she is when she doesn’t have Nini to take care of. Kourtney’s been all about Nini finding herself without boys, but who is Kourtney without Nini? And I don’t mean that her and Nini need to stop being friends, but I’d like to see Kourtney go for something for herself with Nini supporting her instead of the other way around. I don’t know, I just hope we get some growth
“I don’t need to apologize for who I am,” Ok this could be good advice, but the context it’s coming from is not what we need. EJ needs to know that the things he’s done are wrong, and that he should work to improve himself so that he doesn’t keep making those same mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t love himself.
Along with the “lacks emotional connection to the material” he often puts up this wall and we never really get to see him be vulnerable. Even when he’s emoting, it’s not genuine (as Carlos so aptly points out later)
How did Natalie Bagley get stage manager? She’s never there??
“I know how to hang out,” I love Big Red
“I have baking club tonight,” I love Ashlyn
“You walk into a room,” “Oh..:)”
Cuties!!
The speed Big Red pulls that lever at after Ashlyn walks away is hilarious
“Look about the other night at Ashlyn’s party,” “Oh no, it’s totally fine I get it,” “You do?” “Yeah, I said something nice you acted like a punk, what is there to discuss?”
Ok so here’s the thing, Ricky tends to be bad at communicating his emotions and what he needs, but he actually did communicate them at Ashlyn’s party. Nini said something to try to comfort him and he said “Please don’t do that,” he communicated his boundary and what he needed from her was space. She pushed it, which is why he reacted so harshly. Should he have said what he said? No. But we need to keep in mind that he communicated his headspace, he asked her to leave him alone, and she didn’t.
“For the record your the one who called me your buddy, and I’ve been Iced out for weeks so that’s that on that,”
So here’s the thing, Ricky called Nini his buddy when he left that voicemail (which… did she even end up getting?) but he did that as more of a cover-up because he was going to say boyfriend
Ricky’s been consistently telling himself and Big Red that him and Nini are just friends now, he’s been trying to convince himself, the problem is it didn’t seem real to his brain because Nini hadn’t even been talking to him other than for rehearsals and need-to-know stuff (I believe, we don’t actually know, but this is my guess)
Nini called him “buddy” in a really condescending sounding voice if I remember correctly and so it’s no wonder that hearing that he was officially a “buddy” along with the voice used would set him off a bit.
Not to mention that he was just coming off of finding out about his mom’s boyfriend so he really wasn’t in the best place mentally to begin with anyway
That shriek when the lights go blue and the mannequins are there, is great
Carlos’ face when EJ is emoting is great
“That was excellent, and a little weird,”
Also Troy doesn’t cry at this part? EJ… buddy, that is not the emotion you’re supposed to be feeling
“Are you sick?” amazing
“Big Red did you do that?” “No.” He just pops up right beside her so unexpectedly, it’s so funny
Thank god her name’s actually Nina, I was seriously questioning her moms’ choice on naming their child Nini.
Also most kids don’t have trouble with A’s it’s like the first sound they make usually (mama, dada)
It’s kind of cute how they gave each other nicknames
“Was it the name or the fact that I microwaved your barbie that year?” You know, as you do.
“And then I couldn’t even say “I love you,” when you wrote me that song,”
I was going to say too soon, but to be fair it’s been about 9 months since that happened and if she had truly moved on, like she’s led Ricky to believe, it wouldn’t have been too soon
Also that was hella awkward
Courtney has a fantastic voice, but this song is really not made to be sung like this.
Ughh microphone feedback, my worst enemy
Ok I know that a lot of people have talked about this already, but like… how old is that popcorn? The last time the theater was used was 4 years ago so…
Yes, it is possible that the kids could have popped some new popcorn but considering how busy they were, I find it highly unlikely. So… gross
“Cause apparently I don’t have emotions,”
The whole, “Is that the last apple?” part is so pitiful… like, if you latch that hard onto something that it stays with you for over ten years afterward? You should talk to a professional about that.
Of course Ashlyn would have lucky crystals
“Mememememememememe,” “Youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou,”/ “Ninininininininini,” hilarious.
Ricky is like Nini’s biggest fan he has so much belief in her and her talents.
“Minnie Mouse, your first crush,” “actually she was my second,” *lean in and … BIG RED* I’m a sucker for that kind of interruption
“I heard you singing earlier, you’re not gonna quit makeup crew are you? … I mean the Sharpay makeup, you made me look the way I feel”
I think this was a bit of sharpayness, and by that I mean, I think Seb felt threatened by Kourtney’s singing. It was beautiful singing, and she sang a Sharpay song. One way of keeping people where you want them is to make sure they stay where they are
Also the whole “You made me look the way I feel,” part. So here’s my take on this. I know a lot of people are headcanoning that this means that Seb is trans/nb/genderfluid and that’s great! Continue headcanoning what you want to headcanon. Personally I think that it’s more of a man wanting to present femininely. There’s not a lot of examples of feminine presenting men in youth media so it would still be important representation. It’s also important to remember that gender expression and gender identity are two very different things.
“I don’t want to freak her out more with my lifeless eyes,” “Don’t make me start emoting,” EJ is so funny sometimes
Did she pass out from fear? Or was it the crystals working?
“This is your contractually obligated dream sequence,”
The beginning of “Role of a lifetime” reminds me of the Lightning Thief Musical
Lucas Grabeel, it’s nice to hear him singing something genuine
Miss Jen finally having some actual good singing time.
They’re all so cute doing that group dance at the end of the song
“I’m the teacher,” “Yeahhh?” “I know where we have to go,” “Broadway?” “Back to East High,” “Oh my god how hard did I hit you?”
“Dude,” “Talk about it in the car,”
I would love to see this car scene
Courtney shouldn’t have called the YAC without asking Nini first. That’s not a fun surprise to get.
#hsmtmts#episode 8#kimberleysthoughts#mypost#kimberleyreacts#feel free to come yell into the void with me about this show#(the void is the name of my askbox lol)
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... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...
DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )
shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....
finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve
grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa
very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism.
if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn
he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.
from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog).
his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.
his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess
hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway
as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right
his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way
had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.
he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.
during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.
he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.
he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.
u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone
not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.
takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.
in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life
works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee
lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond
fan of karl marx. v big on socialism
insomniac with chronic nosebleeds
cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter
always confused or annoyed
statistics
basic information
full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan
nickname(s): finn
age: 25
astrological sign: aries
hometown: derry, ireland
occupation: phd student / former street entertainer
fatal flaw: cynicism
positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal.
negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.
physical
colouring: medium
hair colour: dark brown, almost black
eye colour: brown
height: 5’9”
weight: 69kg
build: tall, athletic
voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth.
dominant hand: left
scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk
distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon
allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion
alcohol tolerance: high
drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.
psychological
dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.
skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.
likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.
dislikes: the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning
alignment: true neutral
mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)
full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)
tw homophobia
born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.
his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.
when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.
by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.
after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily.
of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.
if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas
study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet
ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea
friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots
ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up
does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year
gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!
finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is!
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Getting to Know...
Rosa Bordallo.
Rosa Bordallo fka Manett is a singer-songwriter and musician based in Brooklyn. She is a CHamoru from the island of Guam in the Marianas, an archipelago in Micronesia. She came to New York at the age of 19. She was a member of the band cholo.
Last month Bordallo released Reef Walker, a deeply personal indie rock record with poignant lyrics that investigate identity, loss, belonging, society, historical trauma, and hope.
We had a chat with Rosa all about Reef Walker, her background and influences, creative process and more. Read the Q&A below.
Hi Rosa. Please tell us a bit about yourself. What led you to make music and who/what are your biggest influences?
"Hi! Thank you for this opportunity to share my work! I’m a singer/songwriter based in New York City. I am also a Pacific Islander, specifically an indigenous person from Guam who identifies as CHamoru. I was born and raised there, and I started playing guitar and writing songs as a teenager. I came to NYC in the early 2000’s for film school, and I have been living and working here since then. The first year I was here, I joined a post-punk band called cholo that was formed by Felipe Flores. We played in small clubs and venues around town for almost ten years. We also released three full-length albums and one EP. Around 2010 I started making music by myself under the alias Manett, and I also released a few solo EPs under that alias.
"Making music was a natural progression for me since listening to music has always been an important coping mechanism. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, so I try to emulate my heroes and hopefully something new and interesting comes out of it. I’ve always been someone who needs to express myself, whether writing in a journal, writing poetry, doodling or dancing. I think making a record, as a creative endeavor, suits me in a lot of ways because I can draw on those other forms of expression. Also I get easily distracted and I’m not terribly disciplined so it’s nice to have a record - an artifact, a piece of evidence - to show that I didn’t just waste all my time surfing the internet!
"In terms of influence, there are too many to list, but I draw a lot from rock & roll and all its derivatives and revivals particularly psych rock, garage, punk, post-punk, new wave, and grunge. I’ve always been drawn to women with loud guitars and loud personalities -- PJ Harvey, Björk / The Sugarcubes, Dog Faced Hermans, Bikini Kill, Slant 6, Cyndi Lauper, The Breeders, Babes in Toyland. I love unapologetically weird women like Lene Lovich, Lydia Lunch, Nina Hagen, and Siouxsie Sioux. I can go on! Other major influences from my youth are the Pixies, David Bowie, Nirvana, and the Velvet Underground. I think what they all have in common is an irreverence, a willingness to break norms and do something unconventional while keeping a certain integrity. None of them were trying terribly hard to be different - they were just drawing inspiration from their personal frustration and observations of the world and creating something special from that.
You recently released your album Reef Walker. What is the record about, what does it mean to you and what do you hope listeners will take away from it?
"Reef Walker is my first full-length album as a solo artist. I picked that title because I see myself as being able to navigate a gulf that is psychological, cultural, and emotional in nature. As an indigenous person who has lived the first half of my life in my native community and in a remote part of the world, and then spent the second half in this metropolis on the other side of the world, I grapple with the guilt that my loyalties are divided and that I am not spending enough time with my family and native community. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t leave my place of origin and to live in this new and wildly different place. I think there are many people past and present who have my experience of alienation but it’s not represented in our culture - or if it is, it’s an inadequate representation. I often think about the Japanese castaway Otokichi, later known as John Mathew Ottoson, as well as the Inuk man Minik Wallace, when I need to remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing.
"I also like the imagery that is evoked from that title. I spent a lot of time at the beach and on my dad’s boat as a kid. It’s actually treacherous to walk along the reef during low tide, because the high tide can come in unexpectedly and drown you, or a rip current can pull you out to sea. It’s also not good to touch or step on coral. Not only is it a living organism that should be protected, but some coral can sting you. But snorkeling and swimming along the reef is a transcendent experience. My ancestors were expert fishermen and seafarers. The album title is as much an homage to them and to all the CHamoru people and other Pacific Islanders who have ties to Oceania.
"All I ask of anyone who hears my album is to have an open mind. I think one reason music is powerful and interesting is because it can be appreciated across cultural divides. I try not to concern myself with how my music is received. I just try to make music that I personally enjoy so if someone else enjoys it, it’s a nice surprise. As for your readers, if you anything about my story sparks your curiosity, I would ask you to explore the histories of indigenous people because much of it has been suppressed and erased.
"There is much needed attention being given to climate change but we should remember that indigenous communities have always been putting their bodies on the line to protect the land, water, and other natural resources. In my own homeland of the Marianas, the U.S. military is about to expand their presence to build two live-fire training ranges that would drastically impact our main aquifer and our wildlife as well as desecrate important ancestral lands. In North America, there’s the oil and gas cartel, and there’s the missing and murdered indigenous women crisis (aka MMIW) which disproportionately affects trans and queer native folx. In South America, the Amazon is being burned down to benefit illegal loggers and farmers. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but if you consider yourself a moral person, it’s your responsibility to educate yourself about these things. If you’re in North America, there’s a great online resource (native-land.ca) where you can learn about the tribes and nations that first settled the land where you currently live. The International Indigenous Youth Council (indigenousyouth.org) is another good online resource because it shares news from indigenous communities around the world."
What was your favourite part recording Reef Walker?
"It was really fun to record in three different spaces that were also living spaces. We started tracking in Duane Lauginiger’s old basement studio, which was right below his garden apartment in Brooklyn. He called that place Time Castle, hence the name of the cassette label that released the album. Then we went to a private house in Piermont, NY, for the second tracking session. And then finally did a day and night of recording in a converted church in Craryville, NY. Each space had its own quirks and novelties but Duane (the producer-engineer) was really nimble about setting up and adapting. I really like working in a place full of paintings and objets d’art and tchotchkes as opposed to a sterile recording studio that looks more like the set of a bad sci-fi movie."
Please talk us through your songwriting/creative process.
"I have a full-time day job so I just try to make regular time for myself to clear my head, and any ideas I get, I will record it on my phone or my computer. Then I spend a lot of time listening and thinking about these initial ideas. I try to give them enough space to breathe and present themselves to me. I don’t like to exhaust myself working on song ideas that are not particularly compelling to me. If I like hearing it over and over in my head, then chances are it will be interesting enough to sustain my attention long enough to develop it into a complete song and recording.
"I almost always come up with the music first before I think of any lyrics. Sometimes I will have an idea for a melody and lyric together, but I don’t get too attached to the first lyrics I come up with. I also take random notes all the time, about anything and everything, so sometimes I have a poem or a musing that I’ve written down which will get repurposed for song lyrics.
"It’s useful for me to have a theme or concept in mind, something that will spark my curiosity and help me be emotionally invested. With Reef Walker I initially had Woman in Suitcase as the working title. That was the force that brought it into being. I meditated on that a lot while writing the songs. I currently have a working title for my second album, so I’ve been meditating on that. I also did this for my first EP, The Sea Urchin, which was my first stab at making songs that were very personal, as opposed to hiding behind a group project which I did with cholo, my previous band. The sea urchin was a powerful image for me at that time, because I felt very vulnerable putting myself out there. Imagining a shy sea creature with crazy-looking spikes, just chilling in the water and paying attention to its surroundings - that kept me motivated to finish the recordings and put it out into the world.
"In general I just try to stay inspired and curious about things. The urge to create comes out of frustration but also out of appreciation for and communion with other people’s creations. And there are so many wonderful creations out there. I see this as a creative practice, rather than a creative process, because for me it’s more about being grounded and responsive to what’s put before me, rather than about checking off items on a to-do list or making sure that a particular set of actions is followed."
Finally, what are your plans for 2020?
"I plan on touring and writing my second album. Stay tuned!"
Reef Walker is out now.
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