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bestfriends-0212 · 5 years

Text

Forgive me (Ashton Irwin imagine)

I feel like this is a dumb request but thats ok. Can u write an imagine where the reader is in a girl group (like little mix) and the reader and ashton had been together for like 3ish years and break up bc they cant see each other often and end of good terms and it spreads like wildfire (thru the news) and they run into each other and talk about things (you can decide) pleaseeee and thank you!!

Y/n POV

I was in my dressing room getting for my show with my band it was the last night of the tour. I was pumped it meant I could spend time with Ashton before his tour started. The day after tomorrow was our third anniversary together I had planned to cook him his favorite dinner and give him an autographed of Green Day on his favorite album. As I was putting on the last few touches of my make up my phone started singing Ashton ringtone.

With a smile on my face, I answered “ hey baby”

“ hi love how are you doing ?”

“ I’m great how about you? “

“ I’m okay do you got a minute to talk ? “

“of course babe what’s up? “

I heard him sigh and I could tell it was something major . “ what’s going ash are you okay? “

“ I’m not happy anymore, we barely see each other and our interactions have been through phone only lately. “ something in me broke but I understood where he was coming from. I couldn’t help but agree our relationship has been online lately no physical interactions at all.

“ okay are you saying we should break up ?”

“ I think we need a break from all of this! “ I didn’t like the idea but I agree.

“ okay that’s fine I wish you well Ashton I love you “

“ I love you too and I wish you the best if you need anything I’m here for you. We are still best friends “

“ um do we break the news now or later? Also, do you want to come by tomorrow to get your stuff? “ I felt my eyes watering I tried to blink them away but it just made them come down faster.

“ I’ll let you know “

“ I have to go, “ I said hanging up not evening bothering hearing him say bye. I could hold the heartbreak no longer as I fell to the floor in a disheveled heap as the grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. I heard knocking coming from the doorway

“ are you ready we go on in 10 “ said our manager “ almost give me 5” I mumbled hoping she wouldn’t hear the pain in my voice. I clean my face up and redid my makeup. Once I looked presentable I went outside everybody looked pumped. I had to match their energy or else they would know something is wrong. “Y’all ready to rock our last show for the year ?” I said trying to sound excited everybody screamed yes or wooo. We got into our circle and said what we were thankful for, I said I was thankful for the band and everybody who worked hard for this tour to come out so awesome. The concert went by so fast, once it was over I went back to my dressing room and packed everything. I went straight to the tour bus and went to my bunk bed. As I was laying there my phone started to vibrate, I picked it up to see my Twitter was blowing up. I clicked on one of the tweets and it asked if it was true that Ashton and I broke up. I guess he told them already, I sighed as my phone kept vibrating the notification of Ashton calling just broke me. I started to cry as the realization of us breaking up was real and it wasn't in my head.

It’s been a year since the last time I saw Ashton. I wish I could say I don’t miss him but that’ll be a huge lie. I miss him so much, after the break up we rarely saw each other. Eventually, we just stopped talking. The rest of 5sos kept in touch, they told me he hasn’t been the same since the breakup and has gone back to his old ways. I started writing songs about my feelings but they were only for me and only me. Over the months I started to isolate myself from everyone, the fans, the band, and even my family. I just couldn’t keep up with the questions

“how are you ?”

“Why did you guys break up, Y'all looked happy? “

“did one of you cheat ?”

Like all these questions were annoying and none of their business. The band was out tonight in some club having fun and here I am in my living room having a pity party and what if’s. What if we were still together? We would be cuddled up on the couch watching Harry Potter and eating Chinese food. I sighed as I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize the girl looking back at me. I took a hot shower and grabbed some clothes. I looked in the mirror again and notice I’m starting to go back to my old ways before I met Ashton, wearing all black, isolating myself, and not taking care of myself. I grabbed my phone and my purse deciding to go to the cafe near my apartment. I ordered a hot chocolate and sat by the next to the window. After a while, the sweet waitress brought me my drink I continued to look out the window and wonder about the times Ashton and I had together. I sighed as I grabbed my phone, was I really going to call him after a year? A cough interrupted my thoughts I looked up to see him looking so broken. It broke my heart seeing him like that.

“ can I sit here?” He whispered I nodded not trusting my voice, it seems like the universe was trying to tell me something . He sat right in front of me we both just stared at each other like if we were just soaking up every details of our bodies .

“ I was going to call you just right now “ I barely whispered showing him the phone where I had his name up .

“ why didn’t you ?” He asked hurt

“ I was terrified that you wouldn’t pick up , terrified that you would just tell me to leave you alone and I was scared some girl would answer your phone asking me who I was. “ I replied shakily he sighed

“ I would have picked up “ he spoke quickly

“Would you really ?”

He nodded. I sighed.

“ was the rumors true did you cheat ? “

He took a deep breath and looked out the window .

“ ash is it true ?”

It felt like time has stopped and neither of us could breathe properly. He kept avoiding my eyes .

“ I did cheat on you”

My eyes started to tear up .

“ wow” I breathed out my hands started to shake. “Why? When? Do I know her ?”

“We can’t do this here Y/N let’s go back to your place .”

I nodded I paid for the drink and gave her a tip for being so sweet. We walked back in silence once we reached my apartment we sat down from across each other looking into each other eyes I don’t know what my eyes were telling him but his were telling me that he was in pain.

“ Her name is Hanna she was a fan, it was when we were fighting all the time and she told me some sweet things that I wanted to hear and bam it happened. It never meant anything to me .”

I looked at him with disbelief

“HOW DARE YOU SAY IT DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU , DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT TO THAT GIRL,THAT WAS EVERYTHING FOR HER SHE SLEPT WITH HER IDOL HER FUCKING CRUSH.” I shout with anger

“I still love you, after all this time I still love you y/n” he whispered

“You can’t just tell me you cheated and then tell me you love me Ashton this isn’t how this work” I whispered back with tears coming down my face.

He inches closer grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug. I tried to get out of the hug but couldn’t I just let myself fall into his arms. After that it seem was a while we finally pulled away.

”i missed you so much ” he gushed out

” I missed you too ash ”

” can we start over? Or we can resume from where we left off ?” He questioned

“ Ashton as much as I love you I can’t go back to you knowing that you cheated and it took you so long to tell me about it. You don’t keep secrets from the people you love even if it hurts them.”

“Please y/n. I love you. I need you in my life “

“You should have thought about that before you cheated ash “

He got down on his knees

“Ashton please get up don’t make this worse please don’t I hate seeing you hurting. It hurts me too just please get up.”

“Y/n I’m begging you! Please I love you so much. “ he cried

I was trying to be strong but I couldn’t help myself dropping to the floor pulling him into a hug sobbing. As much as i wanted to say I wouldn’t take him back I still did cause he brought out the best out of me.

A/n: I hope you enjoyed it, sorry it took so long - K&J

#5secondsofsummer #5 seconds of summer imagine #5sos preference #5 seconds of summer preference #ashton 5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin imagine #ashton 5sos #ashton irwin

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legion1993 · 5 years

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Thunderstorm Wedding

AN: this is for @until-theend-oftheline for Kari’s Summer challenge. Girl, hope you enjoy this cause this is all on the fly work! enjoy the rolleroaster ride! there is another AN in the story to explain how i came up with a certain part of the story. hope you like it!

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Prompt: Thunderstorm

Summery: there isnt one!

this was it, your wedding day was TOMORROW. everything prepared and ready, bows and decorations laid out for everyone to see, people from all over arriving too witness your wedding.

oh yeah, your marrying the guy who made you fall in love with the MCU even more than you already were. you were marrying Chris Evans.

of course this wedding was gonna be avenger themed. obviously considering who your marrying. there was gonna be an entire skit and everything. you were completely hopeful that you would have the perfect-ish wedding.

you were at the hall with Chris going through the dress rehersal, and making sure all the decorations were in place along with props and that everyone knew what to say, when to say it, and what to do and when.

then you and Chris were dropped off at the same hotel but each of you taken to seperate rooms. Scarlet stayed with you playing cards, she knew you a little too well, this was what you had always dreamed off, to get married, to start a journey of love and passion with someone kind, sweet and amazing.

Scarlet: “what is it YN, you have that look in your eye?”

YN: “i dont know Scar, its just some nerves i guess. but weird thing is i don’t actually feel nervous.”

Scarlet: “well did you get some mojo recently?”

YN: “i did open a fortune cookie a couple days ago, it said ‘when the hammer is lifted, thunder rolls, words of affirmation finished, while the truth realized.’ i guess thats what is freaking my body out right now. and i believe i win.”

Scarlet and you both looked down at your hands. playing blackjack is fun, especially when you happen to always have an especially lucky hand. Scarlet laughed as she chugged the rest of her wine.

Scarlet: “we should get some sleep… it will be a long busy day tomorrow.”

you and Scarlet had always shared a bed, even when she and you were roommates, it didnt matter, and no it was never anything freaky like that. it was just that she was your Best Friend and there wasnt anything neither of you wouldnt do for the other.

so removing your house coat, you crawled into bed getting comfy while Scarlet finished turning off the lights, she crawled in beside you. cuddling together you both drifted into unconsciousness.

——————————————–

Chris however had been taken to his room by Robert. now normally this would have been something to behold for the theatrics. but it was a different situation.

Rob: “YN seemed really stoked about the wedding.”

Chris: “i know, the only other time ive seen her like that was when i proposed. its like a massive reality spikes her adrenaline. but oh well. i guess if this goes well, the wedding of the year award will go to me & YN.”

Rob: “i suppose it will, but did you ever think about what kind of mark your wedding will leave on the community…”

Chris got up and started pacing…

Chris: “dont start an argument with me Rob, please man im getting married to an amazing girl, with you as the best man. come on bro, please just dont question this decision.

Chris and Rob after about 5 minutes each took 2 shots and went to bed knowing that it was gonna be a long and busy day.

———————————————–

Scarlet woke up shortly before you, like always she tried to give you as much sleep as possible. she checked the weather and happened to see the 79% chance of a thunderstorm starting right around the middle of the ceremony.

Scarlet woke you up, gently and calmly. you opened your eyes fluttering them a bit before they stayed open, you sat up as Scarlet handed you your cold caffeinated cola.

there was nothing that you imagined would ever ruin this day. it was YOUR WEDDING DAY! of course nothing could ruin the day. Scarlet started pulling out the straightener and the wedding lingerie, setting up everything and calling room service to bring you ladies some breakfast.

Scarlet: “breakfast is being made, and will be delivered soon. lets have you sit up and ill brush your hair out and place in the extensions before you go shower.”

you sat up in the middle of the bed and pulled out your laptop firing it up and making sure you have all the correct papers and such.

YN: “Scar, what kind of day do you think this is gonna be?”

Scarlet was unsure of how to answer that question…

Scarlet: “i think this day will turn into the perfect of awesome weddings.”

you kept going through and making sure all the documents you needed to have filled out, were filled out and making sure there were backups of all the documents in case one of the things needed replacing.

Scarlet: “will you give the documents a rest? nothing is gonna go wrong. trust me. now you continue to hold still and throw on some music while i finish these extensions.”

Scarlet waited for the music to start before she started the extensions. once the music started she started to attach the extensions. there was nothing which made you happier than listening to the soundtrack of yours Chris’ love.

this was the start of a very very long half an hour.

—————————————-

Chris woke up with Robert a few hours after you and Scarlet. this was the start of a lot of paranoia.

Robert: “how do you feel about today Chris?”

Chris: “i feel good, but if all goes well this storm will hold off till after the ceremony.”

Robert and Chris just sat in the room also ordering room service as they sat there toasting and cheering and praising each of their individual acomplishments.

—————————————–

Scarlet was finally done your hair, you went to the bathroom with your robe, lingerie and a towel. you started the shower and undressed yourself, you made your way into the tub and let the hot water maul over you for several minutes before washing your hair.

you washed your hair, you werent used to how long it was. but that would soon be obsolete, for your mind now came to the thought of being MRS. EVENS LATER. you were now at peace in your mind.

you finished in the shower about 15 minutes later. you got out and heard the sound of Scarlet singing out side, but you also heard your phone ringing. Scarlet of course answered it.

Scarlet: “YN’s phone…”

Chris: “hey Scar, what would you say to me wanting to speak with my girl!”

Scarlet: “you can just give me a moment.”

Scarlet said as she saw you exiting the washroom. she handed you the phone after you sat on the bed so Scarlet could make your hair wedding worthy. the convo between you and Chris went a little like this:

—————————–

YN: “hey Chris!”

Chris: “babe, im so lucky to get to marry you.”

YN: “im lucky too, at first i wasnt sure a guy like you would ever fall in love with a girl like me but now i know this is destiny.”

Chris: “i know but this is real, and your gonna be beautiful… hows the getting ready going?”

Scarlet: “im just doing her hair now Chris… don’t worry she will be recognizable when im through with her.”

YN: “just braid my hair Scar…”

Scarlet started putting in the french braid, she also intently listened in on yours and chris’ conversation. the braid was gonna be long but thats what you wanted.

Chris: “i missed sleeping next to you last night!”

YN: “the bed felt not the same without you… but after today we wont ever have to sleep apart again. ill see you in 2 hours babe.”

Chris: “i love you…”

YN: “i love you too..”

—————————————-

with that the call disconnected and Scarlet had just finished the braid with its own twist and accessories. a little bit of hair bling. this was it, this now was the time. it was time for the rest of your outfit. this included now fully putting on your lingerie, and your shoes while Scarlet went to pull out your Dress.

ah yes the dress that you had picked to specifically go with the superhero theme. the one dress to rule all dresses.

you slipped into it and smiled as the fabric slid over your skin.

you twirled several times loving how the dress felt and looked. now you and Scarlet had to walk to the ceremony location to make it there before the guys did.

walking down the roads the photographer followed you ladies, photographing alot of really great shots. simple ones but still capturing your beauty and elegance.

this was how you knew today would be perfect. Scarlets dress showed her black widow side very well. which was what u both wanted, especially for the skit. the avengers may not have been real but their counters are very much like their avenger counter parts.

this was the moment when the final approach to the venue was in effect. your day was now looking up. your only goal was not tripping over anything, that was the last thing you needed.

photographer: “how bout it ladies we get some shots in the park? like on the path and mock shots?”

you and Scarlet knew exactly what kind of shots the photographer meant.

------------------------------------------

Shot 1: the best friend proposal!

Shot 2: the maid of honor carries the bride!

Shot 3: the double cheek kiss.

Shot 4: the forehead mash in sunlight!

Shot 5: maid of honor releasing her best friend into the light!

Shot 6: the ‘im never letting go of my girl’!

Shot 7: out of every walk we’ve taken this one will be the most important!

Shot 8: get into position its time!

---------------------------------------

this was it, the moment that was forever to change your life, you were lining up at the end of the path behind the trees. your only worry was there were clouds in the sky, seeming like they were gonna roll on top of ya’ll and pour it all down!

Scarlet: “i see the look in your eyes don’t worry girl! your wedding will go off without a hitch. now Robert is coming back here to walk you down that isle unless you want someone else to do it.”

Robert had come round the corner just as Scarlet had finished speaking...

Robert: “you know that im the best man technically im supposed to be up there with Chris! Scarlet why dont you walk YN down that isle!”

Scarlet could only stare at you as you took a peak behind the tree at the crowd of people, the press, and the one person who made this day yours. Chris, standing at the alter, where you of course would be walking to in the next 5 minutes but first you have to make the choice of your life.

Scarlet: “what do you say girl? ready to take the most important walk of our lives... together?”

You turned to face her and Robert as you exhaled the breath you took in.

YN: “get out there Rob before you mess up the plan and be ready to switch positions when we fully get up there!”

Scarlet: “and make sure the director is ready to marry his favorite avenger and his lady!”

Robert made a salute and walked back up the isle. you got into position and waited for Scarlet to join you behind the camoflauge. you both waited for the words of the Director to begin.

Samuel: “ladies and gentlemen, fellow agents, and of course the avengers! welcome to the wedding of the century! welcome to the wedding of Chris Evens & YN! also known to the public eye as Captain America & his Lady! please rise to honor the bride as she walks her way down the isle!”

the crowd rose you locked hands with Scarlet, the camoflauge opened up, you and Scarlet made it per-tenant to step into the light! the photographer who was behind you guys captured the first look of Chris and the Crowd at you and Scarlet!

Chris’ face was totally priceless! it was like he was looking at you for the first time all over again! Samuel just smiled knowing that you and Chris were truly gonna be the wedding of the century never mind that forever....

Samuel: “i say a round of applause is in order for the beautiful Bride!”

-----------------------------------------

you walked beside Scarlet knowing that all eyes were on you, but you didnt care cause your eyes were on Chris. you were smiling all while Scarlet did everything in her power to keep you from falling flat on your face.

you and Scarlet got to your point of stopping, now it was time for the skit to begin.

----------------------------------------

Samuel: “whats wrong. are you gonna finish your journey forward?”

YN: “after i say one small thing... i discovered this a while ago but thought nothing of it. i have Stark blood flowing through my veins.”

the entirety of the avengers line-up were playing out their respected roles.

Robert: “Steve did you know anything about this?”

Chris: “i had no idea... YN how much stark blood are we talking?”

(*Authors Note: i am writing this part as if the actors are using their roles for the speaking during the ceremony but the actors names will be the ones leading their lines... just so no one gets confused... any questions at all feel free to ask*)

YN: “im Tony’s long lost cousin on his dads side...”

the crowd went berserk sort of they started mumbling but silenced when you guys started talking again...

Hemsworth: “dont worry young one, for i Thor God of Thunder still support this union...”

Samuel: “i Nick Fury Director of SHIELD still support this union.”

Scarlet: “i Natasha Romanov still support this union.”

Mark: “i am Bruce Banner and i still whole heartedly support this union.”

Jeremy: “i Clint Barton still wholly support this union.”

the avengers gave 3 cheers and then it came down to your fiance and Robert. both of whom now approached you.

------------------------------

Robert: “after all this time, how long have you known?”

YN: “about 2 weeks, i was too scared to say anything about it. i didnt know how you would react. so i used my own skill of keeping things from people to avoid any angry situations before the wedding. im so sorry guys, ive lied to all of you... especially you Steve im so sorry, i wanted to tell you guys so badly but i knew if i did there was a chance that you guys wouldnt accept me after that.”

Robert: “i Tony Stark, humbly still support this union Cuz!”

Chris comes up to you and smiles!

Chris: “what do you say YN ready to finish the walk of our lives and make it to that alter?”

Chris of course held his hand to you and smiled when you took it, both of you now making it to the alter, Samuel now cleared his throat to continue his duties as the minister.

Samuel: “Marriage means alot of things to alot of people, but to the Avengers and to SHIELD it only means our family is growing, its expanding in more ways than one. Marriage is what unites the Hearts of Steve & YN and Marriage is what brings us all here today! now i already know how the avengers and SHIELD agents respond to this but now i have to ask everyone else, is there anyone in attendance to this wedding that objects to this marriage?”

---------------------------------------

a loud snap against the stone pathway echoed through the corridor... everyone turned to see Tom in Loki form. Chris held you while everyone else got into defensive around you guys.

Tom: “i object to this disgusting union... ugh weddings make me sick... ah brother you need to work on your touch... that cell you all left me in was easy to escape from... now if you all would excuse me id like to get the girl and leave... so i can take all the knowledge she has inside her tiny little brain and build myself a portal back to somewhere that isnt here.”

Rob: “your not taking her anywhere, Loki! Avengers Assemble!”

Samuel: “SHIELD agents on the mark!”

Chris: “Thor can’t you do something!”

Hemsworth: “i can but if this works he will be sent to a stronger prison this time...”

Hemsworth shot his hand straight into the air and within moments a blast of thunder bolts came down from the sky... the thunder continued to rumble as the Avengers and SHIELD agents all stood guard while Samuel continued the wedding.

Samuel: “Steve & YN say your Vows we will make sure he doesnt approach any closer...”

Chris: “YN you have changed my life. you have changed my world. that day all those years ago made me realize that i had been missing out on. i love you YN i always have and i always will. i vow to on this love, honor, cherish, respect, and train with you every single day for as long as we both shall live in Sickness, in Health, for Richer, for Poorer, to Comfort you in Times of need, to Be there for you in all things, Always & Forever!”

YN: “Steve your my entire world, i wouldnt even be who i am today if it hadnt have been you id ended up falling for. i love you Steve i always have and i always will. i vow on this day to Love, Honor, Cherish, Respect & Train with you every single day for as long as we both shall live... In Sickness, in Health, for Richer, for Poorer, to Comfort you in Times of need, to Be there for you in All things, Always & Forever!”

---------------------------------------

Samuel pulled the rings out of his jacket pocket opening the box and holding it to you & Chris he said his next bit...

Samuel: “please repeat after me... one at a time of course... YN your gonna go first... please take Steve’s ring and repeat after me!”

you took the ring out of the box and held it to Chris’ finger...

Samuel: “i YN...”

YN: “i YN...”

Samuel: “Take you Steve!”

YN: “take you steve!”

Samuel: “to be my husband!”

YN: “to be my husband!”

Samuel: “in life and death!”

YN: “in life and death!”

Samuel: “as an official Avenger for as long as we both shall live!”

YN: “as an official Avenger for as long as we both shall live!”

you slide the ring on Chris’ hand as Chris now takes your ring and mimics your actions...

Samuel: “now its your turn Steve. Please repeat after me! I Steve...”

Chris: “i Steve.”

Samuel: “take you YN”

Chris: “take you YN!”

Samuel: “to be my wife!”

Chris: “to be my wife!”

Samuel: “in life and death!”

Chris: “in life and death!”

Samuel: “as the most amazing avenger couple in the world!”

Chris: “as the most amazing Avenger couple in the world!”

Samuel: “for as long as we both shall live!”

Chris: for as long as we both shall live!”

----------------------------

Loki: “dont you dare finish that ceremony, or i swear i will reign hell down on the earth for as long as i shall live!”

Samuel: “it is my esteemed honor to present you both as Husband and Wife! Steve you may now Kiss your Bride!”

this of course was when Chris pulled you close and kissed you passionately! earning applause from the whole crowd! including the avengers and SHIELD agents which were not looking at you guys fully.

then you and Chris turned your attention to Tom who was still really deep into his role.

Chris: “give it up Loki, you dont win today!”

Loki: “thats what you think... isnt that right brother?”

Tom rose his staff to the sky, earning a loud thunder clap from above, which then turned into a lightning strike... you dove with Chris into the chairs of people who scattered, along with everyone who didnt know that something was definately fishy...

you coughed a bit after sitting up as Chris got up helping you... both of you being approached immediately by the rest of your team! Chris helped you dust off as you did him.

Chris: “are you alright?”

YN: “im fne but whoever did this is paying the dry cleaning... does anyone have any thoughts! Hemsworth, Hiddleston... what happened?”

Hemsworth: “no idea but to my knowledge id guess that it was a freak bolt of lightning...”

Tom: “id guess either what hemsworth said or our gifts and talents from our acting has suddenly become reality...”

you took one look around and then saw something out of the corner of your eye, you left Chris’ grasp and ran to the sight of the crash and dropped to your knees as it started to storm thunder, lightning, the whole entirety.

the others of course followed you and found the symbol of the asgardian gateway on the ground where you all were once standing.

Samuel: “i dont know what the explanation is for this but we need to re group and figure this all out and see if anything is different. lets get someplace safe first though...”

Chris: “Me and Robert will go with YN we all probably need to talk anyway... cause if im not mistaken YN when you said your first thing you were telling the truth... weren’t you?”

you couldnt form words, but was able to nod yes!

Samuel: “we will meet at the set of the Avengers and figure all this out...”

Samuel and the others except for you, Chris and Robert left. you finally spoke after several minutes!

YN: “my fortune cookie fortune came true... this is all my fault...”

Chris: “what did it say...”

YN: “when the hammer is lifted, thunder rolls, words of affirmation finished, while the truth realized.”

that of course is when Chris and Robert also spoke...

Chris: “for its within the thunder, disaster strikes...”

Robert: “for the world you know, is not it at all...”

You got up off the ground once more and turned to face Robert & Chris!

YN: “robert yes your my cousin, im sorry i didnt say anything to either of you... Chris i am happy we are married, but im kinda pissed that our plans got ruined. our fortunes all line up with eachother... who would seperate a prophecy into 3 seperate fortune cookies?”

Chris: “dont worry we will get answers but for now Rob do you want to say it or shall i?”

Robert: “lets not have this argument and just let YN say it!”

you faced the 2 guys most important in your life and held your hand in front of them... they placed theirs on top of yours as you smiled slightly...

YN: “Avengers Assemble!”

#kari's summer writing challenge

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sainadazai · 3 years

Text

Chapter 1

Welcome to U.A highschool!

How you got in, you had no clue, but you were thrilled none-the-less as you approached the large building on the first day of school. See, compared to the others at your entrance exam, you hadn't really stood out.

It was a really tough time considering your whole life was spent getting ready for that moment, but you truly underestimated the people you were up against.

One boy, was flying around on burst of fire, knocking out robot after robot, and you were knelt on the floor still disassembling your first one. Throughout it you couldnt stop comparing your own skills to everyone else's, and everyone else seemed better.

So it came as a huge suprise when a hologram of all-might himself announced that you had been scored second place out of all the applicants. Coming in at 68 points. Maybe the stress kept you from actually counting how many robots you had rendered immobile, or completely turned to mush.

After thinking about it, the test really had been catered to your quirk, you were bound to succeed. Quirk- metal shift vs a ton of robots? Why had you been so worried?

The confidence boost from your score led you to this day, a prideful glint in your eyes as you marched through the halls of U.A. trying to find your class.

Rounding a corner, the sight of a large door with 1A on it met your eyes. Why had the door been so tall? Would there be giants in your class? Is that even a quirk that exists?

So many questions circled your mind, as well as excitement. See, spending your earlier years training all the time had really impacted your social life, or lack-there-of. Being busy means no friends, being a nerd means no friends, being cocky means, you guessed it- no friends.

A hero school had to be different, though. Everyone here would understand the need to focus on work, theyd just be able to work together with you. Opening the door, your face held excitement for the possible friends on the other side. Excitement to have conversations with people, instead of your cat, mochi.

What you didnt account for was how scary it would be for somebody who spent the last 16 years being friends with a cat, to talk to other girls. Or boys. Or anyone.

"Hi, my names mina ashido! I saw you at the exam. Your so cool!"

There she was, a pink skinned girl with beautiful curly hair shaking around in an afro as she spoke. Her black and yellow eyes shiny and focused on you. She had you cornered between her well-toned body and the door, jumping around and advancing.

It must've been years since anyone but your mom had called you 'cool'. Must have been months since another kid innitiated conversation with you. Were you meant to know what to say? Were you supposed to be sorry? That was ussually what you said when people confronted you like this at your old school.

A smile was spread across her round cheeks, so she must not be upset with you. Was it an upset smile? Well, best to just apologize and wait to talk to someone more calm.

You tried to tame your wide eyes and flustered stance before looking the ground and muttering an apology.

Little did you know how her face dropped in confusion at the interaction. She had just wanted to make friends after all. Mina had really not understood the apology either, sure that she had definitely given you a complement.

However a green haired boy entered the room and she was quickly distracted.

A new problem arose now. Where to sit? The plan to be friendly and extroverted had taken a fatal plumet, so in the old y/ns nature, you settled at the seat closest to the back. A boy with dual colored hair sat in the desk next to you, looking fairly unbothered by the other students.

Assuming this wasn't on purpose, you figured you'd try again with the friends thing. So after setting your bag down and sitting quietly in your seat. Allowing the ruffles of your skirt to become even more-so.

"Uhm, hi?" You tilted your head at him, in question with yourself.

His eyes lifted from what he was reading to see if he recognized you, when he didn't they returned to his book. Staring only a side glance.

Well there goes your big ol ego from the exam results. Guess you'll take a jump back into the sea of self doubt.

You slumped sadly in your seat, the boy was quite pretty, hair vibrant red and shining white. Pale skin, all over except for a large scar over his eye. You wondered if it hurt? Or was it old enough to just be a painful memory? Was it even a scar, it could be a birthmark?

Thoughts circled your head like that often, you were just always so curious. How could you not be curious when you knew so little?

Shifting uncomfortable in your seat, and relentlessly shraightening your uniform you caught on to the other conversations in the room.

A mean looking boy sat with his feet on the desk, while another frantically told him to stop. It was quite the funny scene, you even found yourself smiling at it. How can it be so easy for them, you wished you had maybe taken more time to read on social dynamics before applying here.

Maybe you could read more about it when you got home? I'd be nice to interact like that some day.

A green haired boy looked very flustered as he spoke with a female classmate. Everyone seemed to be in the class, you counted 20 people.

"If your just here to make friends then you can pack up your stuff now"

I looked all around me but couldnt tell where that deep voice came from. Must be an authoritive figure, or else why would he threaten our places here?

Still not finding the origin of the voice, it spoke again.

"Welcome to U.A.'s hero course.." The monotone of it was quite jarsh, but the voice was soothing in a way. Deep and rumbley and soothing? Your thoughts were getting ahead of you, really.

Then, over by the entrance, a yellow caterpillar stood up and unzipped itself. Wait, what?

Out stepped a black haired man, dressed in a long sleave shirt.

"It took eight seconds for you to shut up, thats not gonna work. Time is precious."

He completely dropped his shell of yellow to the floor.

"Rational students would understand that."

Four students stood right in front of the man, shock and disbelief on their faces. Why hadnt they realized he is our teacher? Are they dumb? If so, how'd they get into U.A.?

From the way he refered to us and his assertive tone, he must be the teacher. Thats also made obvious by our current lack of teacher, him being the only adult in the room. What was that yellow thing though?

"Hello, Im shota aizawa, your teacher."

Yes, you knew that. However, it seems everyone surrounding you was taken aback by this. All simotaneously gasping at his statement.

"Right, lets get to it, put these on and head outside" he held up a p.e. uniform, clear enough instruction.

So students shuffled around to grab uniforms and head to bathrooms til we all made it outside.

"What!? A quirk assesment test!?" The whole class question, too loudly for your liking.

However you did question on the inside. It would make sense your teacher wanted to scope your abilities now, that way progress could be measurable. It would also help him know what he is working with.

A squeaky voiced girl worried about missing orientation, but you were dreaming that anyway. You wanted to be a hero, and it wasnt allowed to use your quirk elsewhere. So this was possibly the best start to the day.

"You've been taking standardized tests most of your lives, but you never got to use your quirk before."

Bold of him to assume. You hadn't actually learned that cheating was bad until the age of 10 so, until then, you used your quirk for everything. Cheating tests included, but it would be fun to see how this played out.

The faces around you were all focused and stiff, ready for whatever task this would present. The dual haired boy being amongst those stiff faces, but his seemed almost bored. He didn't really act like he wanted to be her at all.

That made you mad, why even come if you don't wanna be here? Its so hard to get in here, and there were other people like you out there, who have wanted this since they were born. He would waste a spot just so he could be bored?

"Bakugou, you managed to get the most points on the entrance exam," Mr.Aizawa adresses that boy you were worried about.

You remembered his face, how he was beating you so fluidly the whole time. However, if he scored highest, your only one rank below him. Hope he is a strong competidor for first, so it'll be all the more glorifying when you take that spot from under him.

"What was your furthest throw with a softball, when you were in junior high?"

"67 meters i think..."

"Right. Try doing it with your quirk. "

"Anything goes, just stay in the circle. Go on, your wasteing our time."

"Alright man, you asked for it.." He stretched his arms, confidence written all over his face.

What a fun rival, if only you could actually speak with him. If this is what all of you will have to do, not sure how succecful you can be. You quirk is awesome for sparring and combat, but throwing a ball? Your gonna have to figure that one out quick, before you start of the year with a bad grade.

The blonde swung his arm back, and around in a baseball pitch motion. Then as he release it, some sort of explosion emmited from his hand. Softball no where to be seen, you glanced around at my fellow students. Shock, especially the green haired boy, they were all shocked.

You wanted to be shocked, but you were aware of his power, he really didn't go all out in the entrance exam at all. This blasting was way stronger than what you saw him using on robots.

Yet, you werent shocked, you were impressed, excited, thrilled to have other strong quirks around.

You had to know everyones quirks as soon as possible, you had to make friends. This is why you came here, to be a hero. So when you glanced to your side, at the scar boy with a stone face, another thing was added to your list.

You were gonna get him to want to talk to you.

#todoroki x reader #todoroki fluff #shoto torodoki #todoroki shoto x reader #mha todoroki #mha bakugou #mha deku #mha fanfiction #mha fluff #momo yaoyozoru #momo x reader

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years

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Episode 4(SWAP)- “I'm happy if anyone goes but these bitches' mouths are sealed”-Raffy

I prayed for a swap... and now I'm regretting it. Honestly, kind of got tribe swap fucked. There are 4 original tribe members and then... me and Owen ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE FROM OUR ORIGINAL HOUSES. So... the odds are NOT in our favour. Hopefully maybe we link up with Juls and Chips and potentially set ourselves down as a four.. but also maybe that four isn't tight and I can wiggle these hips into a majority somehow. Straight off the jump you can tell that Landen/Matt are probably close. They have the same interests, same age, and both don't shut up so.. I can see it. I've played with Lily in the past and she's lovely. We weren't exactly very close and she got robbed by a twist but.... hopefully we can try and pick up where we left off. Chips is... lacklustre. I know when I hosted him he was a busy man.. so maybe it is different here. I AM ALSO OBSESSED WITH JULS. So hopefully she's just as obsessed with me and we can work together but I do see similarities in our games and she's someone who when I saw cast reveal I instantly knew I wanted to work with. Honestly, I know the odds might be stacked against me but.. I'm gonna work harder than a hooker on a busy night to get everyone here to love me and keep me around. PS: I miss Jacob ALREADY.

heyoooo WE MADE IT TO A SWAP!!! so basically hufflepuff was the last in-tact tribe standing, meaning we had all 5 players remaining while slytherin had 3 and gryff/raven had 4, meaning a swap right now COULD work well in our favor, and it did, except for meeeeeeeee my ENTIRE tribe (with the exception of me) got to STAY on hufflepuff, meaning I am alone but not only am I alone, every other person on new gryffindor still has someone from their original tribe and the split is 3-2-2-1, so no one tribe has a majority that overpowers the tribe as a whole since theres 8 people, but I don't have someone to fall back on as much as they might because they all have someone in a similar situation as them. HOWEVER, I did get swapped onto a tribe with jacob and jules who are two REALLY good friends of mine, I have known jacob for like 5+ years, and jules and I were a final 2 actually jacob's big brother series (sry we voted you out again sammy :c) so i am hoping i can find solace in them and maybe their relationships can also become my relationships? but its still scary to be the only person of your og tribe because just by process of elimination you could be easy pickings, so come tomorrow, as its still the night of the swap and most everyone just went straight to bed, i need to get boots on and work some social magic. But i wanted to make this confessional to give my first impressions of how i feel about my new tribe mates! we'll just go in alphabetical order autumn - she seems really cool, she turned it out in selfie scavenger hunt for her tribe which was awesome and hopefully we as a tribe can winning due in part to her dedication, all i know about her is that she played crossroads with jake p who i know and that she WON i think she's fairly well known in the community and its partially if not mostly for her good gameplay? she strikes me as the quieter but more strategic type, shes not gonna make big huge moves but shes gonna set herself up perfectly to make those undetectable moves that no one really sees and then she gets to the end and you think what did she do?? and then you realize when she blows you out of the water with her utr gameplay, but also who knows dan - DAN!! me and him played ts manhattan beach together, which was... a time, we were not really on the same side i believe we voted together a few times and worked together for the sake of making a move but neither of us were ever in the others inner circle until the back to back rounds where WE WENT OUT!!! i voted with him as the only person to do so when he left at final 7, which i dont think he believed in the moment but has since realized thank goodness, but i wanted him to stay in that game and maybe voting with him even tho it got me 6th right after and us ending on a good note actually was a good thing? what i know about him is, he is SMART, but i think he lets it show a little much, he seems passionate and very into the game and when things dont go his way i think he struggles to see the logic outside of his own, which makes sense the guy is really smart im sure if he believes something is wrong he has a reason to but it can make working with him unless your undyingly loyal to him a piece of work. if my memory serves me correctly i believe i tried to pull some fast ones on him in mb, where i lied and voted differently or maybe blindsided him a few times and then tried to damage control that and it caused distrust when the time came and i WAS being honest. so my gameplan now is if i end up wanting or needing to work with him (the jury is still out on that one as its like 2 minutes into the swap) but if i do work with him i want to be as upfront as possible and i want him on my good side at all times, like i said he's passionate so he has a FIERY side and i dont wanna be on the receiving end of it. joanna - me and joanna played tashirojima together and..... i may have blindsided her a couple times too.. maybe this is a wake up call for me, BUT ANYWAYS, we played together and we're aligned but i was playing the middle and then i chose the other side and she tried to vote me out and then i worked with her again and then i turned on her again and then i made final 3 and then she voted for me.. so now that we're all caught up, she's a good player, she is very smart and extraordinarily strategic AND loyal, but i dont think she takes to dishonesty very well, not personally but just in the game, i think she sees a clear smart and she'll do what she needs to make that move happen and she's fairly good at it from what i've seen and heard. My other point with her as opposed to dan, we played but ended up on different terms, i voted her out and then she voted me to win, so i think we're fairly informed on how the other plays and that could work against me BECAUSE I WAS SO FLIP FLOPPY IN TASHIROJIMA but hopefully i can bandaid it up and say oh i've changed im tired of stressing every vote i just wanna be loyal find a group and play out with the people i trust yadayadayada which i DO maybe not RIGHT NOW but i do!! anyways im getting away from my point, she's smart, i'm smart (kinda?) it will either bring us together or drive us apart its all reliant on how she feels, personally i would like to work with her bc i do want to be loyal but i want to be in a group that is also LOYAL and also WORKS, i dont wanna jump on just ANY ship, i want to be on the BEST ship, the one that's gonna sink LAST, when all the other ships are capsized and fully submerged. so we'll see how that goes nicholas - i do not know nicholas much at all, i haven't heard anything about him before this game nor during this game, he seems really fun and nice though, i appreciated his intro video it was chill, as for how he plays i have no information on that but i think him and jacob worked together or at least got to know each other so maybe i can get some info on him from jacob we shall see...... raffy - similarly to nicholas i do not know the guy unfortunately, i got a tidbit of info from an unnamed dr guest who was not fond of him, not a very good start BUT i am not going to let that influence me, im still going to go in with an open mind when i talk to him tomorrow and hopefully i have a different opinion and he's really cool! but yet again we shall see as for jacob and jules who i mentioned above i wanna touch on them a little bit because the dynamics there are much more complex, 1. jules is my number 1 in this game, i adore them, i love them, i will do anything for them, BUT thats how i played candyland and jacob HOSTED THAT, he knows how we played individually AND TOGETHER, but more importantly, he knows how CLOSE we are, and if you wanna hurt one of us you take the other out, i dont know if he would DO THAT but he might which leads me to my 2nd point... 2. i have voted jacob out of like every game we have played together lol. BUT I NEVER WANT TO !!!! i love jacob, he's wild and polarizing but he's a good friend just a good person all around but when he plays he can be emotional and in tashirojima i made a move against his number 1 and i didnt want it to divide us but it did because he wouldn't talk to me, so when i had planned to wiggle back in with him he didn't allow me to and i had to vote him out for it sadly, and then in 2020 our last game together, he was practically dead in the water and did himself no favors with how he handled situations with sammy so while i would have voted with him if it meant saving him (sorry sammy) that was not on the table so i had to vote him out, and it literally sucks EVERY TIME, because i love jacob but him in games always puts me in those positions and i hate it, and i told myself i dont wanna do him dirty, well i never WANT to do him dirty, but im going to try and actually avoid a situation that puts me between a rock and a hard place one of which being having to vote him out. but yeah so while i trust those 2 there's some things that could come out of the woodwork that may not be good for him but hopefully i can prevent those or get around them. its not very long into this swap so i may be overthinking and being paranoid but aha ha haha .. ha haa. *raven symone voice* YEP! THATS ME! ok anyways i could be very off in this "assessment" if you wanna call it that but i was bored and its 3 am so i wanted to confess, here's to making it to a swap!! WOOOOOO

OWEN AND I ARE FINALLY ON THE SAME TRIBE, YAY!!! I'm really sad that Kevin is now on a different tribe and all alone but hopefully he can work his way into a good alliance or something. That would be a really hard spot to be in. Also when I play these things I'm bad about just talking to a handful of people and not talking at all to others but I am being VERY SOCIAL this came I messaged the people that hadn't messaged me already and I want to keep up a conversation with everyone, I NEED to keep my social game strong and start thinking about endgame.

so the tribes swapped last night and before you ask, YES i was blessed, YES i got the right house. i was sorted onto hufflepuff as i deserve, because we are the best house, and i got 4 pretty cool new people on my tribe. oh i also happened to get 3 other hufflepuffs which is great for me because it means i am in the majority :D that was such a marshmallow move, and now i don't have to worry all too much about going HARD on social play or anything like that i can just sort of chill, remain a UTR threat, make new pals, and stay on the right side of things via being in the hufflepuff majority. i'm also well positioned here i think as i have max and juls in sort of weeb trio, but ruthie/lily/myself had a sort of agreement max would go if puff lost. on top of that jess seems really funny and i think we'll get along, i might have a harder time with chips and owen but we'll see because they seem nice. (just not sure if they're people i'd personally bond close with, but that may just be because they're newer to me! it's all a mystery!) i'm also obviously very tight with juls, i love her a lot and we were close in 2020 and will continue to be close here! she is the definition of the word legend and i would throw my own game away for her, yes i would. i already have and i'll DO IT AGAIN! overall this is a tribe of really strong competitors and i can't wait to keep making marshmallow moves, *badgerin* the gryffindors, and ignoring the ridiculous idol hunt that's probably going on COMPLETELY while i vibe.

I really like my new tribe. It feels like a good, diverse cast of OG tribes. I think I might lean towards aligning with those in Ravenclaw because they will have the numbers with only two. Autumn and I can be those 2. I am so glad to have Autumn with me as well. She will easily help the most out in any challenge. Also, I feel like I can trust Dan, but I am going to hesitate for now.

So this swap was pretty okay? I would have preferred Owen over Joanna hands down, but having 3 people from the OG Ravenclaw is kinda cute. My plan is to really focus on building relationships with the people outside of the OG Ravenclaw, specifically with Kevin and either Jacob or Nicholas. I have played with Autumn before and she gets top 5 without even trying, so she is definitely on my radar of someone to try to get out before the merge. She is a great player and I would prefer to not have to fight against her for a better resume at the end. Also, on top of my idol, I found a risk/reward kind of thing that I will likely only tell Jules about. I want to drive home the point that me, owen, and her are my end game people. I am worried that Jules is close with Jacob irl and in this game because I don't want to risk her spilling the beans. I might think on that plan a little more before I put it into action, but honestly I probably will tell her. The power is only activated if I am willing to lose my vote at a tribal council. Honestly if we lose this comp, I might need my vote just to establish trust with people, so if I'm able to save it until the merge and then lose my vote when I have individual immunity, that would be ideal. Gotta check on the rules for it though.

It’s been a while since I’ve given an update and a lot has happened. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse, but I managed to make it on a tribe with 4 original Hufflepuffs. Insane to say the least. Immedietly I felt very relieved. It’s nice to know that the people I’ve gotten to know and built some level of trust with during the first tribe would continue with me for the tribe swap...but idk. It could be a disadvantage in the long run by people associating our loyalty to one another. But I’m hoping the positive relationships I built with this tribe and in the great hall would take the target off of me if I can make it to merge. The odds of that feel good since I’ve been able to avoid tribal for this long, but I’m scared that the first tribal I attend sends me home. I really do like our new tribe but so far I’ve really only had good thin to say about this cast! People have positive attitudes even in such tough times and literally everyone is hilarious! I find myself laughing often! As far as who I can trust most, at this point it’s Ruthie. She is the only one who is deliberately said that she has my back. And I feel the same way. Hoping no one sees us as a power duo, but we shall see. I also think landen has been fairly honest with me about his opinions of the cast and that he hasn’t played with very many people. Throwback eep to when I told him I only know 2 people in the cast but it’s really 5! Ugh that’s gonna haunt me I can feel it when 3 out of the 5 people I know are now on our tribe. Eep! Any who, I’m really nervous for Kevin and hope he does well! I felt like we got along really well on the original tribes. With him being the only hufflepuff on the other tribe, I’m worried he is the easy target. Got my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

i do be lying doe.....i do be lyin......

2 minutes later

to leak or not to leak to joanna...that is the question...maybe i wait....i dont want them to think they can vote me!

14 minutes later

lemme take some time to praise the hosts and this game!!!!!!! cause i ain't doin confessionals enough LMAO!!!! wow the level of originality...the level of harry potter inclusion....the idol search... ugh its amazing i LOVE it, yall did an amazing job with putting in harry potter but not like TOO much that people who don't know it might get overwhelmed? also yall are just a joy to talk to in my confessional!!! love this, never been so into a survivor game -- this is literally the first game where i've remembered to idol search EVERY day (well, almost EVERY day but STILL!!!) and idk. im so glad i'm playing this!! idc what placement i get as long as i make it to merge!!! thank you hosts!!

I am kind of disappointed on how things turned out for the challenge. I really didn't want to have to go to tribal especially because I do not think that I have established myself well on this tribe. However, I did a good job on the challenge so I hope I can stay for it. No one has been saying a name. Autumn did mention that one of the J's should leave. I think it should be Jules because she did so bad in the challenge. Well, either way, I'm happy if anyone goes but these bitches' mouths are sealed

Winning feels SO GOOD! I really like my tribe. Everyone has been kind of quiet. Surprisingly even with Owen here I talk to lily more and she is currently my strongest connection in the game. I’m not sure if it is going to stay that way but I kind of hope it does! We’ll see what happens haha

Everything was super quiet and then everything started happening all at once. Now I'm in three different alliance chats and nothing seems super solid. All I've heard if Raffy or Autumn and I'm guess Raffy is going? I don't want to vote anyone out, I like everyone, but I'm not aligned with Raffy and I don't want it to be me, so I'm going where the numbers are going I think.

Entering this tribe swap, I had definite concerns as Jacob and I were in a minority position by default. However, somehow Kevin was in a minority of one, so I capitalized upon that and reached out to him! Granted, he was someone I enjoyed speaking to from the start, so minority position or not, I wanted to align. Secondly, I reached out to Joanna. She and I immediately hit it off, and if the vibes and aura I am getting from her is true, I think she’ll be incredibly loyal and fun as a ally! Dan, Autumn, Raffy, And Jules have all reached out to me as well. Dan is someone I have enjoyed conversations with for sure, but I do not see myself necessarily staying diehard loyal. I actually adored Autumn and I’s conversation, but I have to be wary of them! They are strong in competitions, and I do not want that. It’s pretty humorous that I think removing challenge threats means I’ll be able to win more challenges, because I suck. Jules and Raffy are who I vibe with the least, but I also remember Jules screwing me over in the ETC mini, when she played into the Hive Mind and basically allowed me to be targeted simply for being an outsider. I am not going to target her simply for that reason, I believe in forgiving the past and leaving games behind, but I do not trust her so far. Personality-wise, we get along! I decided to form the 4our alliance of Kevin, Joanna, Jacob, and Myself. I believe this will be a loyal core to what could be a stellar alliance! I suggested Raffy and Autumn, so I am hoping Raffy ends up being the plan, which seems likely. In the future, I would like to target Autumn-Jules-Dan in that order, although I am open to switching the order. I do think I have some level of control strategically and socially over this tribe, but I cannot get cocky! I have to be humble and take the journey one step at a time. Raffy, in a game of social connections, just like our puzzle, you cannot slide by without talking to others. My vote is for you. x nick

Whew! I made it to the tribe swap!! And I'm a Hufflepuff now! My ACTUAL house! Don't have to spy anymore. https://media1.giphy.com/media/LsKyE4J9PGjIc/source.gif

Anyway - the people featured on my original tribe are: Me & Juls Cool. She's already been open with me about who she wanted to vote off from the previous tribe so I think we can work together still. From the previous Ravenclaw tribe: Owen Um... boo? I don't know, honestly. He just NEVER has or ever wanted to work with me or even really speak to me in any ORG we have ever played. I would like for this to change and will try but yeah I don't know. From the previous Slytherin tribe: Jess Yay! I wanted a chance to play a game with her. I hear she's cracked out of her mind almost all of the time in games. I am here for it! I hope I don't ruin our game relationship by saying too much or the wrong thing! From the previous (and still on) Hufflepuff tribe: Lily, Ruthie, Landen, Max Yay to pretty much all of these. The fact that they all self-identified as Hufflepuffs means that they are my people! I want to pal with all of them. Anyway, as far as game stuff goes Jess asks me how I feel about the game and I tell her that it's been alright and that our first vote was someone who asked to go and that we haven't really been playing this game. Then I said I hope we don't go to tribal because I think I like pretty much everyone. https://media0.giphy.com/media/5tlq0pRndGu8U/source.gif

Then I made a huge faux pas... I said that if we went to tribal hopefully someone who was original Hufflepuff would go. And gave no context. So I guess I gave her bullets to have me killed at a future tribal if it's a "anyone but me" situation. Our challenge was not for reward. We had to do a bunch of puzzles. I suck at jigsaw so I decided to do slide puzzles. I have no mouse and apparently not having one slows me down exponentially. I did the worst at my puzzle. Our tribes tied. We won tie breaker because EVERYONE ELSE is good at puzzles! Final topic. Idol hunt. Still a fail. Went to the lake. The selkie would not speak with me. I think we're in love. https://media2.giphy.com/media/oBfiN3ZSuUEdq/source.gif

I guess I will vote Jacob if Autumn wants to lol

hi it’s me nichole.. um. smiles. i don’t really know what to say um.. we won! woohoo! another melodrama victory, i’m hoping everyone likes me as much as i’m thinking because :flushed: yes she has a social game.. yes she’s thriving.. i cant get anything in the castle so that’s cute. only hints but is that shit gonna click? No.

hi!!!! so we lost sadly. i did rly rly good on the maze so im proud of myself. tribal seems to be easy enough as we were deciding between raffy and autumn but then raffy decided to throw my name out so i think he's going unanimously now. ill be getting a vote which is cute but idc. once hes gone i defff want autumn out bc im in an alliance with everyone but her and dan but at least dan pms me a good bit!

HERE'S THE GOSSIP - I'm so happy we swapped! I would've been heartbroken if we lost and I had to vote out another Ravenclaw, so this is best case scenario. On first glance tho i look mega swapfucked.... all three of prior tribe members separated from me? But honestly, I think that puts me in a better position. Not only can I make new connections, but I won't be targeted for being a block of three. PLUS? I LOVE being on a tribe with Juls, Lily, Jess, Ruthie.... I'm truly THRIVING rn!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chips hasn't talked to me much. Max is okay but seems kind of fuckin crackt. And I like Landen a lot so far! So we're in a good spot. And a puzzle??? whew, this was my week xo Praying my Ravenclaw babies are okay, and I'm going to work on building maybe a counter-Hufflepuff alliance with Juls Chips and Jess if we lose!

ok I only have 5 minutes to write this so we will fully get into the tea later but to recap: 1. God gave me Kevin because He knew what was about to come next 2. the kids are all voting Raffy and only Jules had the heart to tell me 3. I too am voting Raffy because I don't have time to be on the bottom of the tribe and I think there's some fuckery going on 4. all HELL is breaking loose in the tribe chat 5. I got caught in a lie so I've already had to start an apology tour 6. I still have a headache lmao There is so much that needs to be said but all I'm gonna say is Raffy giving me a good laugh helps our goodbye be less bitter. He is genuinely great, was really understanding about it all (and me having to think long term instead of being loyal) and I want better for him. I also want better for myself since my own tribe has been usurped from me? but I digress. Raffy needed to pop off cause they lied to him and me the entire day so what did you expect. I have a lot of his mess to clean up now but hey I have time on my hands. Long live Raffy I will try to do right by you

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imthebrettofthegroup-blog · 7 years

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I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

#brett hundar #hundar #cow chop #modest cube #aleksandra zaryanova #alsojakob #please reblog #thank you #saved

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tijuana-blues · 7 years

Text

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night.

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it. I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out. I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance. About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again.

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol.

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right.

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or 4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again.

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass.

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before.

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly. So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in. I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit.

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas. It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood.

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked.

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake.

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears.

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone.

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait.

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult.

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring?

You Broke up with me after that.

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you.

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after. Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken. Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active.

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me.

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well.

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in.

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling.

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished, 8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly. and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

#m #personal #tldr #my soul

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do1care · 7 years

Text

9:37 pm thoughts, ending friendships.

Va escrito en ingles porque iba primero para reddit, ojala y alguien me lea aca algun dia:(

FYI, this is a long post about my struggles and thoughts on my problems, if you don't want to deal with them feel free to move to the next post:), it's ok.

I know that everything has to end, that's the most natural part of life, as far as I can see it, everything has to come to an end. Doesn't matter if it's your favorite coffee cup, or your longest relationship ever, that's just how life is, and there's nothing wrong with it, but the fact of accepting it can cause some real shitty problems. Or at least to me.

I lost my best friend on January, and no, by lost I don't mean he died, thankfully, 'cause he's and extraordinary human, he is such a grateful and open minded young man willing to help you no matter what; that being said, the reason why you can say we "broke up" (we weren't dating, just that i didn't find any other word that could sume up that were not bffs anymore, haha), it's pretty fucking stupid, haha.

I'll give you a few seconds so that you try to guess, haha.....1.....2......3....OK, times up. Don't know if you saw this coming, but it was because of a girl (told you, pretty fucking stupid reason).

Let me set the scenario up for you.

He and I have been friends since we were 10 and 11 (I'm younger), we are now 16 and 17. We had been together in a lot of struggles each; helping the other in whatever it was possible to, he changed school when he was 13 because his mother had a problem with our principal, anyway. It may appear that since then we started talking less with each other, but no, its the total opossite (crazy, right?). Since he got out of my school we started talking more and more, and I remember on the 2015 new years eve, I was all alone in my room hearing all the fireworks welcoming the new year 2016, and at 2:30 am or so i called him and we started talking till 6:00 am or so, we never ran out of talk, it was always so funny, haha.

Ok, now to how we stop talking.

On January 2017, he had been dating a few girls on and off. But nothing too serious, but like on the 25th he started telling me about this girl that a friend introduce to him, and that she was sooo hot, but all she wanted from her was to hook up (nothing weird about that, he always wanted that, and i think thats ok, if the girl wants that too). And he sent me this girl facebook profile, so i started checking her out, and she was a girl from another school, which, another girl friend of mine was in like 2 years ago.

(ok, now this is getting confusing, from now on we are gonna call them like this: my ex best boy friend: ed. My girl friend: luna, the girl that caused the problem: pico)

And luna had told me that the girl that pico was a kinddd of a slut (i know that that can be offensive, but bare with me here, those were her words, not mine). And I was like, oh, cool, either way ed just wants to hook up with her, so they can both be happy. But one day ed told me that he was trying to get into a serious relationship with pico, at this point I had told ed everyting that luna had told me about pico, but he didn't seem to care at all. By this point, as any teenager-best-male-friend would do, i was very concerned, cause he had gotten broken up a lot in the past, by girls that didn't deserve him. By shitty girls. And i didn't want him to get his heart broken again, and at least this time I had something in my power to stop that. Or at least that's what I thought.

Remember that Luna and Pico were very good friends in the past, at this point they talk to each other, but not as much. And also, at this point Luna and I are veeeery good friends, in fact, she is one of my 2 best girl friends (thankfully, she still is, she's awesome, haha)

So I send Luna the screenshot of the time when Ed was telling me that all he wanted Pico for was to get laid, and Luna ask me if I was sure I wanted this to get to Pico, I said yes. But told her that she said to Pico not to show them to Ed. (I think you can guess where this is heading).

Long story short, Ed realized what I did, and basically sent me to eat shit, I couldn't understand how he rather lose his best friend and having a girl to fuck and not viceversa (and oh, btw, i now it was a total dick move from me to send the screenshots of our chat to Luna. But I dind't want this girl to hurt him). By this point, it was maybe like februart 4th or something like that. We stoped talking, but I remember that this was killing me, cause I was ised to tell him everything that happened in my mind, every single deep or stupid thought I had, no matter how vain or important it was, and he knew that i'll always be there for him, so I tried to apologize, and I freacking got fully emotional with him, i remember being at bed like at 1 am texting him whyle crying, he was so fucking important to me, little did I know i meant so little to him by this point.

The important part of this is that I wrote him that i loved him. Of course i loved him, he was my fucking best friend, how am I not supposed to love him? (Again, little did I know this was gonna fuck my life in a while)

Amyway, he basically told me that he had forgiven me, just that I wasn't his best friend anymore, that, that fucking killed me, it was like a stab in the chest, I felt it deep into myself, losing a friendship with someone you value so much, that you had plans for the future with, so many memories together. Just gone. Fucking went off. It was my fault. I destroyed, it was me the one who blame. Fast forward two monts of feeling depressed and shitty af, my sister went to the beach with a friend, a girl friend, but my dad is a freacking maniac so he decided to go to their beach house without tellimg anyone just to check if she wasn't lying (spoiler. Of course she wasnt, my sister is the best). Anyway, so he told me to write to her friend cause I also get along with her (or at leaste i used to, another friendahip gone, yey) to send me their location, so my dad took my phone and started texting her like if it was me, cause of course, it was from my number, why would she think it wasnt me?

(And by this point i think i should tell you two important things:

1. My father is an asshole and a real noisy bitch.

2. He is super homophobyc, this is kinda caused because his brother is gay, and they were born in a very mysoginistic environment.)

Anyway, so my dad started scrolling around my chats, and I at this point I didn't remember my chat with Ed, until I saw it on my phone screen, when I saw it, my heart went from being calm to almost getting a heart attack. I was fucking nervous, cause I knew how his reaction was going to be, and i didnt want him to see what I wrote with him, cause it was personal shit, things that no one but you and the other person are supposed to see (now that I analyze this, I think it is kind of karma because i did the same to Ed), I was terryfied, sweating. Almost crying, and when he was about to enter my chat with Ed, i tried to take my phone away from his hand, by this point he knew i was hiding something. I fucked it up, there was nothing else that I could do, but to be waiting for him to react. There were 5 minutes of pure silence in the car, i tried as hard as I could not to cry (my very first reaction in strong emotional moments, is crying, no matter if it's a super sad moment or in the middle of the biggest argument of my life, i just can't control it).

Then he says -So you love him?

I got freezed, i really don't remember any much of it cause I was so afraid of it, I just remember telling him that yeah, i loved him cause he was my best friend. Anyway, he took my phone away from me and talked with my mom about it. My mom is genuinely the best, she's very supportive and lovely. She just tells me that no matter what I feel I can always tell her and that she'll love me no matter what, but to stop saying to some random dude that he was everything to me and that i felt fucking misserablr without him (i kinda told that to Ed when I tried to apologize). Since than, my dad has been a little lore of a douche bag with me, and he doesn't know I have my phone, cause he gave it to my mom, but she gave it to me, haha, she's the best (forgot to mention, i only live with my mom, but they get along pretty well).

Now Ed and I talk maybe once in a while, and I have accepted the fact that he's not my bf and i'm not his, and that's ok. Cause everything has to end, nothing last forever.

------

I tottaly forgot what the purpose of writing this story was, I just hope that maybe someone might read it and I don't know, tell me anything, i literally just was fucking sad and upset with lifeand general and decided to start writing this. But ended up spending an hour and a little bit more writing it, haha.

Remember that this is my first post to reddit. So feel free to comment or idk what the interactions in here are called, but yeah, i think i might post this to my tumblr later, haven't ever post there either, haha.

#thoughts #midnight #friendship #ends #amigos #ingles #reddit #friends #help

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his-awesomeness · 7 years

Text

major rant about my relationships and the storm of emotions I'm feeling

After my previous break up roughly 5 months ago (or 6) I was real fucking torn up inside because I had put my everything into her. As I do with all of my relationships, and in the end of all of them I end up getting abused somehow. From fucking being cheated on or neglected.

Now I understnadit was like 3 years ago, but because that bitch manages to crawl herself back into my life through sheer luck of events and manages to assist in the break up of my last relationship. The old wounds are opened, but this time with a new sting, a new burn. A pain I do everything to avoid, a pain I receive for trying and putting my heart into others. And it hurts and it sucks because I lie in bed filled with a fucking tornado of emotions with a bleeding heart and I can't do anything about it. I still yearn for the one who hurt me. I still want the touch and the safety and serenity I felt but she is the one who also put me through all of this. And I want to die (just to clerify, not actually, more of the casual need to die but it's actually backed up with a lot of emotion.

a long ass time ago I made a post about the first bitch ago fucked me up. Cheated and manipulated my emotions until I was broken and done with it all. Yet for my few, small ass mistakes a fucking freshman makes in his first actual relationship i am the bad guy. I am the one who was wrong. I am the fuck up. not her, everything she did was thrown to the side with shitty excuses and quickly moved on from.

next runner up, everything was fine for a while. Until she started to play with my heart strings in a weird way. She said she was raped a few times over the course of our relationship. But we would still fuck and do shit. But she wouldn't let me call the police at all and it was just so fucking weird because I wanted to help and try to do something but she would get more angry at me for trying to do that shit and I just... it wasn't a good relationship at all..

Third runner up, now this is a fun one.

This story starts at a bestfriennds birthday party. a group of us are chilling on his huge ass bed, I'm still in a relationship with #2 at this time. But I did start to feel disconnected, mainly just emotionally drained from the hours I spend trying to help and talk to her to. early no avail. no joke, I've probably spend like 100 hours in my car just talking to her just to keep her sane and other shit and just... it was so emotionally taxing and draining I felt empty at times.

back to the story.

we're all chilling and me and #3 are getting a little close. I'm of course asking before I do anything because

a) new chick that's cute that I'm getting close to, nervous as fuck

b) any time I'm with some one new I ask before I do nearly ANYTHING

c) she was in a relationship to (and she got back with that fucked after she fucked up my ass, lmao what's that)

but she said yes to it all so it was all good in that monent. (litteraly just laying next to her, kinda close, but that's all)

After this I told my gf at the time everything that happened because well I can't keep a 'secret' for shit and a relationship need a to be completely honest, no matter what. (REASON FUCKING A WHY I HATE THE FIRST BITCH SAMANTHA, fucker waited 3-5 months after she cheated on me to tell me and because it happened so long ago, I really couldn't do anything about it but try to move on)

she wasn't really happy about it, but in the back of her head she knew the end was coming for us. Now I should have realised that as well so I could have just ended it there and it would have made things. SO MUCH EASEIR, but because I'm a emotional piece of shit I try and and things slowly and as painless as possible. this backfired, so hard.

a few weeks pass of us taking on Facebook and all that. and she confest she liked me. This I saw coming, but I really didn't, so I was left to try out something new with a person who seemed to be really cool and awesome. Or stay in my toxic relationahip. I chose the obvious decision.

Now, ending the toxic relationship, wasn't easy, I was hoping to see what it would be like to spend time with the newer on to make sure I made the right decision, but because of how blunt and honest I am. I both of them knew this. and it didn't work out to well. After another long ass car conversation it was over. I was emotionally drained to the max. I was dead for roughly 2 weeks, like I felt nothing and I slept a LOT. Now me and #2 still talked, because hey, we can still be friends. Well, my new one really didn't like that because 2 reminded 3 of a really abusive ex a lot and so she didn't want me talking to her because of that (understandable but also she kind of wasnt nesrly that bad, and she just had this hatred fowards her- I later did kind of the same to her ex, but I didn't out right say for her not to talk to him, I just didn't like him a lot because he had a bit of photos her (hint hint) and because of me being the blunt, defensive person I am. that didn't settle well it me at all. Now what she did and I did can be argued to be the exact same thing, which they kind of are. But when I stopped it was because she wanted me to, but it took a good bit of time because getting your significant other to not talk to some one because you dont like them isnt ok. i Realised this down the road, she really didnt. but she only stopped because she thought that if she did, then I would as well. so that held some fun was conversations and a small argument)

now exactly 2 days after we went "oficial" I did something I swore I would never do. the thing that was a key part in the final phase of my parents decorce, what tore me up to no end inside. and the pain that cursed my heart for years. I cheated on her with my ex.

I was at the college and I ran into her, we where talking but she acted just like she does when something really bad happened to her. So I brought her to my car and we talked. Because she looked devastated and I couldn't just leave with a fear conscious, I could never do that. I cared too much. well, being in a car for hours with your ex and with her certain perfume that reminds you of sex kinda gets you really fucking horny. so, as we had a emotional talk with me trying to help. we hugged, because hugs help, hugs help a lot. but the equation of: car + perfume + still wanting to fuck = I proposed the idea of "one final time". and she agreed. so we did it about half way through there a small relapse... and it hits us. She pined it on me saying women are more emotional and care more about those things and ran out of my car to hers and drive off. I then cried in my car, for, hours. I felt this guilty dread break my fucking soul and I hated myself and what I did. for months I felt this way.

Now after I pulled myself together the best i could. I told my best friend, and then I told her. After a little longer I felt I was able to drive. so I want to his house where she was, and upfront told her (we went outisde) and i cried some more. a good bit more. she surprisingly forgave me. like, I'm still surprised she did. but instead of hating me, she's the one who tried to get me to be happy again, to forgive myself. and it meant a lot to me, it really did. I think this is one of the bigger factors to why I fell for her so hard. she calmed my storms, she loved me for who I was and am, and she forgave me for the thing I hated myself the most for.

the next few months went great, we hung out every day, love was in the air and it was amazing. the best i could have ever asked for.

but then it started to go downhill, she seemed to get more - snappy, short tempered, emotionally conflicted and just unstable. I did my best to help the way I do. I talk things out, hug, try to be as affectionate as possible to make thing better for hee even for just a moment. for her mind to ignore the shitstorm and just enjoy the moment, because that's what she did for me. but it only made it worse.

she started to say she was always in pain, I took this seriously and over the next few months was getting really close to saving up $200 to being her to the doctors to get it checked out to get help, so she wouldn't be in pain and that I could actually hug and show affection to her again. well that didn't work out at all. she talked to me less, showed any affection or attention for that matter at all. she just seemed to be in a void of depression.

now note: she was in one before we got together, and after we did her parents and my best friend told me how much better she was. she was happier, had more self confidence and she was just happier.

so I just thought this was a depressive rut she would get through and we could be happy again. seeing how nothing I did helped, it was all on her to get herself out.

that never hapened. at D&D I couldn't touch her or show affection at all. she said it was because she didn't like that sort of stuff in front of people.. but all it was, was just hugging and a kiss her and there, nothing serious at all.. but because it all hurt too much I ended up just sitting one the opposite side of the couch unable to do anything. I tried to make her laugh: didn't even look at me

hug her: she just sat there and made a fake ass groan of "pain", couldn't pat her head on the head to do that little stupid cute shit, because it all hurt, conststly. but the most whenever I did anythimg. but she'd become the medium sized dog to crawl on her (now that shit is painful) but nope: I can't do a damn thing to show affection at all. nor did I ever receive any. our relationship turned into my being desperate just to get her to look at me and to get her to say she loved me. but it was all too much for her

now later on I realized that this was neglect, a thing that's abuse... and it started to take a toll on my emotional health. I got more snappy, unstable, angry, emotional, yurning for her to give me any attention at all. but my little outbursts where brought to the fore front and I was pinned for them. even though all I wanted, all I needed, was just her love and attention. and I made this clear to her, multiple times. but it was too much to ask for.

oh yea, I just remembered a few thing. I'm a apologetic person. I say sorry when something bad happens to you even if I wasn't any part of it at all. it's how I show I care and that I just.. I don't know.. I just say sorry a good bit. but for her, I couldn't ever say it unless she was upset. but the thing is, she never told me that she was upset, whay was on her mind, any of that. she kept it all inside and just looked miserable but REFUSED to tell me anything. but would get snappy and upset over little shit that made no sense. but even with all of that, she would say sorry, about, everything. litteraly shit that sorry wasn't ever necessary she would say sorry for. now I would explain that it was fine, there's no reason to be sorry and every now and again call out the fact that I can't say sorry but she can.

but what would happen a lot. is what we would just go back and fourth between saying sorry to each other, and it annoyed every one around us. and just...

I got attention deprived to a point I've never been and I got super depressed for a while. torn and alone.

so when I saw my ex at the college, we started talking. and she knew exactly what happened just from me talking to her again. and she gave me the attention I needed, and some other stuff.

but now that I'm ok, more no longer depressed over emotional neglect. my mentality has shifted gears in a more, relationship needing way. Now with my ex it sure as fuck isn't happening. it's friends with benefits and that's it. Because here and there images doing roughly the same manipulation mechanics just it's not rape this time. so I'd never put myself in that position again. but I still want what I once had, I need it, the happy lovey happy times. I'm fucking needing it

but through thinking about it. one thing makes sense. Because of how broken she is she isn't uses to the constant affection I give. so at first it's amazing, but after a while of it she got tired of it. it affected her mentally in a negative way. and so she made up the pain, half made up the depression shit to not talk to me (part of it i still do believe, but if she's super happy and lovey with her ex RIGHT after we broke up when she couldn't even be in the same room with me without being pissed and angry, I don't believe most of her shit for a second). so I'm a little pisses about it all.

she neglects and fucks me up just because she can't handle my affection.

but will be be as over heals for her ex right after we broke when he's the cunt she broke up with for ME because she wasn't feeling love for him anymore.

and it's just

god

fucking

damnit

the last 3 months of our 7-8 months relationship was the slope of her neglection. and it just... it tore me up inside. and it pains me that she's just move on like it was nothing.

does she rely on the hunymoon phase of relationships constantly? did she like fucking me up? I'm just so confused and so frustrated.

I'm not the whole "I'm so lonely" shit. I just miss her. but I shouldn't because of the hell I went though just to try to care for her. to love her, to try to make her world a better place, and I got this in return.

what did do wrong?

all I wanted to do was to make her smile, to make her feel happy. to share love between another who feels the same. is it too much to want? I know I'm young and I shouldn't have found my love at this age, but just, my bleeding heart can't take this. I even tried to keep my mental and emotional health ad my first priority. pff, see how that turned out.

I hope this made sense, I needed to put all of this in words, I'm tired of this shit playing in my head over and over again falling into a minor depression whenever I go to bed. I'm getting real tired of it

#rant #failed relationships #i need love #i need attention #what did i do wrong #what did i do to deserve this #some one help

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