enixum - Tumblr blog

enixum · 4 years

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i’m sorry i haven’t been on. this is just a little update of status thing under read more so i dont clog other people’s dashes.

i’m really not feeling the writing vibe or even being on here beyond scrolling a few posts at one time. i have a lot going on right now & really it’s just, exhausting. all the pre-uni stress & overthinking about whether i made the right decision to continue seeking a career in this sector has been weighing on me. not to mention all the ‘online camps’ & socializing. the panic is slowly rising & i’m so worried i can’t write.

i’ve also finally been talking to some of the closest people in my lives about something that happened in my past & am considering therapy after 10 years. so that’s a step forward, but i think it will be mentally draining too. other than that, i have a consultation to go for tomorrow & a possible minor surgery on saturday. i’m pretty much one big ball of blergh.

i’m so sorry i havent replied to any threads or even to IMs. i just need to put myself first for the sake of those who are important to me. i want to be better. if you would like to chat more, feel free to hit me up on my discord @ cy pres#3537 but please specify who you are ! i do want to talk to you guys more. i deeply apologise for this once again, & am eternally grateful to whomever reads this. <3

#out of charks

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enixum · 4 years

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𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

@orcx-nus murmured: “I think I’m in love with you.”

THE WORDS PUT A STOP TO HIS STEPS, && halts the cogs turning in his brain.

Makoto’s confession comes sudden ; knocking the breath out of him easily as Rin pauses. all at once, he’s acutely aware of everything : the way his heart has begun to beat like a drum, the unconscious clenching of his fist in a futile attempt to ground himself, Makoto’s hovering form undoubtedly feeling a million things, not unlike himself right now -- -- his senses zone in to all && nothing as his mind plays the words over && over again like a broken record stuck on repeat.

Makoto’s confession. Makoto’s confession.

Rin can’t deny the flightless feeling that begins to spread its wings inside his heart. the romanticist in him aches with sweetness -- -- the same sweetness that is ever present in Makoto’s eyes, in Makoto’s words, in Makoto’s actions. it aches && aches && Rin feels like he’s being pulled under. like one of those times he’s been swimming for too long && his ears start ringing -- -- pounding with the rush of lapping waves, heady && dragging.

he is ... happy, && flattered. how could he not be ? Makoto likes him. thinks he could be in love with him. Rin, who has committed his fair share of mistakes, who had once upon a time treated Makoto with less respect than he deserved. Rin, who has nothing but his dreams && big words. who is nothing but sharp teeth && sharp edges.

as overjoyed as he is, there remains a large part of him that threatens to sink at the information he just received. Makoto deserves nothing less than the best. Rin is a far cry from what could be the best, that’s for sure. && more than that, more importantly, Rin isn’t 100% confident that he can give Makoto the best. how could he, when he’s going to spend the better part of his years in another country ? as long as he keeps swimming, he’s going to want to bring his dream to fruition && that wouldn’t be fair to Makoto. no matter what he feels. no matter the fact that all he wants right now is to reach for Makoto’s hand.

“ i ... ” he trails off, hesitant. Rin is a selfish man. he wants. he wants. the ache is spreading throughout, sweet but painful with the weight of his considerations. it’s not normal to take so long to answer, is it ? undoubtedly, Makoto would understand, but ... Rin doesn’t want to take that for granted. he never wants to take Makoto for granted. “ i ... don’t know. ” his tone dips, into a whisper that sounds too loud in his ears. if honesty really is the best policy, he hopes it works out now. “ i like you, Makoto -- -- ”

&& god, that feels right to say. even though he’s so afraid to mess it all up. he may be scared of the consequences, but if not for them, Rin wouldn’t think twice about telling Makoto that he’s in love with him. that he’s sure. that he’s been sure for awhile now. ( would that make Makoto happy, he wonders. would it make Makoto smile the one smile that makes Rin want to give him everything ; to put down his ambitions && stay by Makoto’s side, irrational && impractical as it is. )

“ i’m sorry. ” a shake of his head, && he only barely resists the urge to nip his lip. he never knew he could be this happy yet uncertain at the same time. but the only way is to talk through his feelings : a lesson hard learnt from his first year of high school. so talk he will. he’ll bare his feelings out to Makoto, the way Makoto has just bared his feelings out to him. a leap of faith.

“ i like you, Makoto ... but i cherish our friendship too. it’ll be difficult if we ... ... i just don’t want to lose you. ”

#orcxnus #✈️ ❙❙ ✧ ( answered tag. )#&&. ( thank u for this pain i enjoyed it very much )

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enixum · 4 years

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𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

@nxsplxsh murmured: “Nobody’s seen you in days.”

“ ... Sorry. ” it’s all Rin can get out, even after being caught by Haru like this. the first thought comes almost ironic -- -- to think that he would be the unseen one for days, where in any other situation it would more likely be the other way around. a part of him wonders how Haru even found him ; a part of him is surprised that Haru even came to find him. he is touched, but ... he really doesn’t want to be seen right now.

still, the regret builds steadily up his throat && clogs the words he wants to say. he hadn’t meant to worry anyone. Haru probably doesn’t mean his words to sound accusatory, && he knows that. Rin is more than aware that Haru’s form of concern doesn’t come alike anyone else’s. yet ... it still stings, a little.

he sniffs ; a hand coming up to rub at his nose. honestly, if he hadn’t needed fresh air desperately after days of holing up at home, he wouldn’t even be out here. is the fact that Haru found him at just the right time fortunate or unfortunate ? Rin can’t tell. he is as grateful as he is ashamed. ( that of all his friends to first see him again, it’s Haru. that the one who calls him out on what he’s been doing is Haru. )

a shudder passes && Rin tugs his jacket closer to himself. the urge to sneeze tickles along with the mixture of feelings brewing within : he can already feel a headache forming.

“ Can we, ” he starts ; pauses. ugh , is what he thinks as his nose scrunches up involuntarily. being && feeling this weak in front of any of his friends already bothers him, but coupled with the contrasting guilt && gratitude he feels, it’s shitty. all he wants is to dump his heavy body into bed && not think about anything. ( he also wants to swim, as soon as possible, damn it. ) “ C-Can we at least go inside before we have any sort of conversation ... please. ”

maybe being sick beyond belief doesn’t excuse him from suddenly disappearing on his friends -- -- but Rin has always had too much pride.

still ... he appreciates this.

“ And ... thanks, Haru. ” it’s almost a whisper, followed quickly by a ( well-timed, in his opinion ) sneeze that racks his body. Rin can’t deny, he is half-tempted to throw himself at Haru in an attempt to absorb all his warmth.

maybe ... being found like this once in awhile isn’t bad at all.

#nxsplxsh #✈️ ❙❙ ✧ ( answered tag. )#&&. ( rin really said social recluse time #this whole reply was so dramatic and for what !!!#shvgrfjg im sorry this is super late ;;;#i cant wait to reply to all the asks though uwu :rubs hands together: heheh >:)#thank you for sending this innn <3 )

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enixum · 4 years

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NEW GIRL SENTENCE STARTERS — quotes pulled from season one of the fox series. feel free to make alterations.

i hate sleeping alone.

we tell each other everything. i’ve never not told you something.

you like me? you like my personality?

i just got out of a long term relationship and i don’t know what i’m doing emotionally - or, let’s be honest, sexually.

are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch.

i’m always the one who loves more. that’s my thing.

my funeral is my time to shine!

when you care about someone, you do what’s best for them - even if it sucks for you.

you don’t know how to be real.

what if i have some idea of love in my head and it’s just totally wrong?

i can’t believe i never noticed this before, but you are legitimately crazy.

you fold like a lawn chair - fold, FOLD!

i need you to teach me to be a douchebag.

please put some pants on. everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.

i can’t just always say how i feel, okay?

you’re allowed to be happy, but it’s really annoying the way you’re doing it.

we’re open-minded people who do weird things to each other.

i have a broken penis. don’t pretend to know my pain.

saturday is a day for sleeping - and damn it, you will not take that away from me!

you were denied a cell phone, because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

i can’t just jump into something if i don’t know what’s gonna happen.

that man wants to sleep with you.

you consider me a sexy man, correct?

i actually feel like i want something that lasts, and i want it with you.

families ignore things until they go away.

i hope you appreciate that i have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked.

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!

i just want to have a mature conversation.

put your shirt back on. please don’t make me laugh at you.

you don’t have one-night stands. you get way too attached.

be optimistic? learn? we’re all gonna die alone, so…

i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience.

you always see the worst in people!

can we take a minute to celebrate me?

if you guys let anything happen to her, i’m gonna come here and crazy murder you

#( meme tag. )#&&. ( I FORGOT TO REBLOG FROM SOURCE JN BUT HERE IT IS (AGAIN)....)

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enixum · 4 years

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fifty ways to kiss someone. send me a 💏 and i will randomise a number in order for my muse to kiss yours…

…good morning.

…goodnight.

…goodbye.

…where it hurts.

…where it doesn’t hurt.

…on a falling tear.

…to shut them up.

…in secrecy.

…in public.

…desperately.

…in joy.

…in grief.

…discreetly.

…casually.

…passionately.

…lazily.

…to distract.

…as encouragement.

…for luck.

…on a scar.

…on a place of insecurity.

…in a rush of adrenaline.

…in relief.

…in danger.

…as a ‘yes’.

…as an apology.

…as a suggestion.

…as a lie.

…as a promise.

…as comfort.

…after a small rejection.

…to wake yours up.

…forcefully.

…to pretend.

…to gain something.

…to give up control.

…without a motive.

…because yours is running out of time.

…because mine is.

…because the world is ending.

…because the world is saved.

…out of pride.

…out of greed.

…out of lust.

…out of anger.

…out of envy or jealousy.

…out of spite.

…out of habit.

…out of necessity.

…out of love.

#( meme tag. )#&&. ( ok these will be real cheesy or real angsty and will most likely be pre-est :oo )

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enixum · 4 years

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the fact that rin cannot sleep without his pillow

#mobile//#it's funny #until he goes for a training camp and forgets his pillow #his time goes down and he gets frustrated #he spirals down again #ha ha : - )#ANGST #tbd

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enixum · 4 years

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teokyeo:

@enixum | New Faces

“Now, now,” Makoto cooed, cuddling the cat in his arms. He had been taking care of this little one ever since he was in his second year, and now a lot of time has passed - regardless of how long they were apart, this little cat has always remembered him. “We’ve missed each other, don’t you think? And, I’m going to be introducing you to a new friend who you may like, I’m sure.”

This new friend wasn’t exactly new - he would be introducing this small cat to Rin, who Makoto thought could need new cuddle buddies. “I’m sure Rin would love to meet you, let’s wait for him in a bit okay?”

WAS RIN NERVOUS ? DEFINITELY. considering the amount of luck he has had with cats throughout his life ( which is to say ... abysmal ) he thinks it’s normal if he were a little edgy. sometimes he wishes he could be like Makoto ; easygoing && lovable to all animals. even STEVE isn’t cuddly towards him, && Steve has been around him for years. at first, it had stung his pride, but now ... Rin would be lying if he said he isn’t getting a little desperate .

as he climbs the steps to Makoto’s old home, he tries his best to settle his lighted nerves. to think he could feel this way for something besides swimming -- -- a drop of anxiety among the sea of excitement. it feels a little weird, but not unpleasant.

“ Makoto, hey. ” gaze zoning in on his brunet friend ( as easy to spot, as ever ) Rin trudges up the last few steps. && then his eyes snap almost immediately to the cat in the taller’s arms. oh. “ H-hey to you too. ” oh god, did he just stutter ?

#teokyeo #✈️ ❙❙ ✧ 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒. ( of red strings & fate. )#&&. ( dont worry about it !!! nothing to apologise for omg )#&&. ( im so sorry this is super late ! ;;;; shgsjg #also did i have to mention steve ? absolutely )

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enixum · 4 years

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ouchie

#THIS IS FOR #nxsplxsh #ME: EQUALLY CRYING AS I AM LAUGHING ? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK #THAT WAS ANGST AND FLUFF COMBINED ?? WH #HHDHHDHDKD #that was: raw talent #mobile//

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enixum · 4 years

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Reblog if you RP using Discord

Message me if you’d like my username.

#mobile//#have been doing so for awhile but only with like ... one person HSHFJDJ #add me on discord if yall want ! i am super slow as i always am tho ....ha....#and im by no means an expert lmao tumblr y did u do dis

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enixum · 4 years

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nxsplxsh:

Rin didn’t wish him a Happy Birthday…

It’s fine, Australia must be keeping him busy.

THE GUILT THAT STARTS EATING HIM ALIVE FEELS FAMILIAR, especially as he arrives to the sullen look on Haru’s face. GOD , no one deserved to look like that on their birthday. Albeit ... belated. ( he’s really the worst, isn’t he ? he could have easily queued a text to send, or something ... it isn’t worth the look Haru has in his eyes -- -- if Haru is looking like that over the absence of a birthday wish from him -- -- to want to wish him happy birthday face-to-face, if it ends up like this. )

“ Haru. ” he’s a little jet-lagged from the plane ride, but it’s more important than anything that Haru is HAPPY . he’s no Makoto, but ... on such an important day like this ... “ I know I’m really late. I’m sorry ... Happy Birthday, Haru. ”

#&&. ( this Big Hurt me #IM SORRY I DIDNT SEND ANYTHING TOO -- i was pretty Down In The Dumps today hhhfnnev pls Forgive us Haru;;;#WE'RE HERE NOW THO AND READY TO SMOTHER THIS PRECIOUS BEAN IN <333 RABU <333 #altho rin thats kinda gay )#nxsplxsh #✈️ ❙❙ ✧ 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒. ( of red strings & fate. )#&&. ( i just realised this was tagged crack AND I MADE IT ANGST FPPSSKFGT )

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enixum · 4 years

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@ilikebottombunk @enixum

And his nips grew three sizes that day.

#HAHAHAFEJSDVNFJGBT #rin: *cries on them* *cries on them* *cries on them* *cri #BLESS U

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enixum · 4 years

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@ilikebottombunk grow some nips please

#ADGCSHSFGFVBHN

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enixum · 4 years

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anyways rin slips into english whenever he loses it

#me thinking abt that 1 drama cd where rin tells momo to sit down and momo's like bbut so rin yells in english to sit down #context: momo could sniff that there were a lot of girls in the place they were eating at SHVHSVG GHOW DOES HE DO THAT

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enixum · 4 years

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HEY HEY HEY ! your favorite local redhead is back. if you’re a softie for tall swim captains who just want to make sure everyone on their team succeeds & pushes them to the best of their abilities while attempting to win over people’s hearts, your local university student / hot mess 𝑺𝑬𝑰𝑱𝑼𝑹𝑶 𝑴𝑰𝑲𝑶𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑩𝑨 is the one for you ! Hit that ♡ or ↻ if you’d like to interact! thank you !

#✈️ ❙❙ ✧ ( promo tag. )#&&. ( holy shit !!!!!!!! )

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enixum · 4 years

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isolov:

@enixum ♡’d

❝ hey rin-senpai, do you think you can teach me some english ? like…. things they won’t teach me in class ❞

“ Things they won’t teach you in class ? ” what is Momo up to now ? he has a sneaking suspicion. arms cross as he focuses his gaze on the other. “ Wanna give me a few examples ? ”

#✈️ ❙❙ ✧ 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒. ( of red strings & fate. )#isolov #&&. ( MOMO WHY ... HSVJFG #rins just like: gimme examples momo. say them. say them & i'll noogie u #HFDSHGJVSDF #this is perfect thank you !! )

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enixum · 4 years

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allnostalgic:

Instead of being patronized like most would, the other was offering kindness despite this heavily awkward exchange. Of course, this dumbfounded Kisa for a moment. Brown eyes are wide as he takes it in, the downpour not hesitating as he did. It’s not that he’s used to being treated harshly, however most strangers wouldn’t go the extra effort in a time like this. The rain was rather unforgiving, after all.

❝ Uh— I was headed to my apartment, ❞ he replies, a finger pointing into the direction it was. In fact, it wasn’t that far away —— around a 10-minute walk. But that ten minutes could be rather burdening if the red-head was going in the complete opposite direction. Kisa’s smile is held as he adds quite quickly, ❝ B-But if that’s out of your way, it’s okay! Your offer is really nice, though.. I’m sure the rain will stop.. eventually. ❞

IN THE TIME THAT THE OTHER TAKES TO PROCESS HIS OFFER, Rin does reconsider the things that he has just said. inevitably so -- -- after all, embarrassment pricks him easier && faster than most. just the knowledge that someone was ( maybe, possibly ) about to lay their eyes on his umbrella unsettles him enough. a hand rubs the back of his neck ; a nervous habit.

“ Ah, ” his eyes follow the finger the raven was pointing with, && immediately recognition floods his senses. had the other been heading towards a different direction, Rin wouldn’t have been confident of helping -- -- he doesn’t live here && would have probably gotten them both lost, under the torrent of rain to boot. “ We’re heading the same way. ” a confirmation shared aloud, as lithe fingers return to dig around the insides of his bag. while the other was right that the rain would eventually stop, it isn’t too favourable in his opinion. he’s only been outside for a few minutes but it’s already getting cold just standing here. “ Uh -- -- I hope you don’t mind that we share an umbrella. ” it would be a squeeze, but Rin’s pretty confident that they could still fit.

#&&. ( theyre so awkward !!! i love it #and im loving this as well ! im so glad you do too ;;w;;#hhhhhh im more honoured that you think my r.in is good honestly im a little rusty :')#thank you so much for saying that c:#and your reply is good no worries !! )#✈️ ❙❙ ✧ 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒. ( of red strings & fate. )#allnostalgic #&&. ( aaa im excited to see how they interact from here ;;w;; )

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enixum · 4 years

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kisumshi:

“I want matching ones with Sousuke.”

Rin folded, now’s his chance to start piling on the demands. It won’t stop there, he’ll want matchies with Makoto and Asahi too.

Kisumi is a menace. Kisumi is a menace. “ There’s no way I can get both done by Christmas ! ” more than that, though, “ Sousuke would never let me live it down if I gave him an ugly sweater as a present. ” but he has to admit, it would be interesting to see Sousuke in one. don’t make him give the worst gift he’s ever given Sousuke to date, Kisumi.

#kisumshi #✈️ ❙❙ ✧ 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒. ( of red strings & fate. )#&&. ( dddAMN YOU FOR BEING RIGHT #why would u want a matchy with makoto hes alr a fashion disaster on his own :pensive: )

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