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entity56 · 5 months

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By the way, if I post something asking for help (especially if I specify in a non-Christian sense), please don't derail the post by saying smth along the lines of "Jesus is the only way" or "Turn your eyes to God" or "No other method will work" or some bullshit like that. Not only is that just gonna push me further away from even considering reconverting to Christianity, it's going to make my situation worse. I specifically posted that because my mind is nagging at me and trying to convince me I'm being possessed right now and that the balls of light I've been seeing are angels/the shadows I've been seeing are demons. You're making things worse. Stop being pretentious and either ignore the post or help me. Fuck man.

#I shouldn't be on social media rn #but i've been scrolling compulsively #i'm waiting for the sun to rise #so i can get my moon water and use that #btw thank you random tumblr user #for giving me a non-christian method of purification #if this isn't a delusion #it's going to be very helpful #now back to obscurity #entity posting #actually schizospec #schizospec #psychosis #religious psychosis #religious hallucinations #religious delusions

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kittyandco · 3 months

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i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].

i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.

i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.

my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of

it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.

i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down

i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother

please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.

anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me

and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel

#meows

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herotome · 5 months

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I've been scrolling through your blog, which is great by the way but anyway what I came to say, or well write, is that almost every answer by jade or post tagged as jade just makes me go: This is uncannily me?. So I just wanted to ask how did you get inside my brain and who allowed you? - Jades long lost twin??

You see, anon, Jade is also uncannily me... We're all Jade here. 😔🎈

No I'm jk but lol I think she's the one most people actually relate to on a certain level?

Griffin is the part of me that operates at 200% and has enough spoons to rival a kitchen drawer - the part that makes good impressions, makes people laugh and smile and regard me with that awed look of 'I didn't realize you were cool.' (But like, I tap into that energy a few times a year at most, sometimes needing to rely on alcohol to access it, whereas Griffin has an apparent endless supply even when sober l o l).

Mia is my late teens and early-twenties, constantly second guessing, wondering if I was too much, unsure of who I was and how I came across, immediately regretting it every time I had a big emotional reaction; yet at the same time had such a big heart that was ready for love and to be loved in all of love's different forms, just didn't know how.

Dart is how I behave in public - guarded, dismissive, unwilling to interact, but with glimpses into an unwaveringly kind and patient nature that I dole out in cautious doses to people who actually need help. It's the part of me that's seen how people take advantage of others and knows how people can be cruel and ignorant, but nonetheless feels compelled to do the right thing.

Jade is my anxiety and my compulsion to put myself under review, under a microscope, the part of me that is all too aware of being Perceived and wants nothing more than to hide under the covers and sleep for a thousand years, to be away from everyone. The part that is so, so tired, the part that would feel quite done if not for Mr/Ms 200% egging me on and on and providing some levity and good humor.

I think between enjoying yet fretting over the unpredictably fluctuating nature of internet culture, living in an age of monitoring and security and scrutiny, and maybe even a general millennial angst, the Jade mindset has become very commonplace and therefore #relatable.

bonus-

Warden... uhhh. Warden is like... the part of me that's more instinctual - my first reaction to things, which includes my skepticism and my willingness to believe things at face value? He's my capacity for faith and for withholding judgement - even when he wonders deep down if he's making the right call. When placed in a position of authority, the wondering and overwhelm runs rampant. Tbh I'm putting him last because he's also a lot like Jade in a weird low-key way - the way they think is very similar, the way they express themselves couldn't be more different.

And finally, MC. As best as I'm able to write it, MC is my surface level running stream of consciousness. It's capable of deeper thought and introspection, but I make an effort to keep it on the crust rather than allowing it to descend too deeply into the magma (where Jade and Warden live).

All this to say I bet every character is #relatable, if you dig deep enough and see them in the right light!

anyway tldr we're all sharing a brain, we're all in the matrix

#ro: everyone #herotome ask #ro: jade #ANON DIDNT ASK FOR THIS LOL but I've been looking for an excuse to put my petri dishes into words so here yall go

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lemonisntreal · 6 months

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heyo! Just found your blog and I was scrolling through your stuff and noticed your AU tone deaf. And I haven't found anything about what it is or what your idea is behind it. So I wanted to ask if you could give me an introduction to your AU!

Oh! And I absolutely love your artstyle and how you draw Buster! Anyway, hope you drink enough water and have a good day/night! ;)

Dear god this has been in my drafts for a while-

Hiya! Sorry for that lack of info lol, I'd been inactive for a long time, and the time that I actually WAS posting consistently was back when things were still being sorta fleshed out. But I've got a pretty good idea of how every single part moves at this point, so sure :D I'll give a not-so-brief summary lol [under a cut because I couldn't not dump multiple paragraphs teehee ~_~]

--------------

Tone Deaf is like a dystopian version of Sing, if I were to put it super duper simply. One where Buster's issues get more emotional focus, and we get actual bonds with the cast because the movie forgot to do that.

Buster is, also, a lot more unhinged, fair warning. This fic's gonna contain violence and tackle some darker subjects [adjacent to grief and denial more specifically] so if it feels like I jumped a lot of sharks, it's because I 100% did.

It kinda started with me noticing how, in the actual movies btw, smaller characters like Buster and Mike had more difficulty getting around places. This led me to ask myself about how species differences could lead to struggles for certain animals since the city just isn't built for everyone [this is NOT Zootopia]. Ash's quills, and Meena's towering size were things I noticed too that would be massive problems, realistically. So after a lot of pondering, now we're here.

The world of Tone Deaf in present day is in a post-war period that's lasted about 50 years now [Crawly is actually a veteran from this war- which was more like complete and total anarchy if I'm being real, since there weren't really any sides until near the end...]

Long story short, the wealthy capitalized off of the war and taking people prisoner- so they purposefully kept it going. A resistance ended up forming to stand against this [Miss Crawly being one of the generals, with that classic missing eye] and after their army stormed the unsuspecting stronghold, the war finally began to conclude. It still took around a year after that to release all of the prisoners of war, and by the end of it all, the damage that had been done to some races was permanent. Even extinction-level in some cases- some animals just straight up don't exist anymore because of it.

Back to Calatonia. Laws that are in place to protect animals from tearing eachother apart are still relatively new, and the criminal underbelly of Calatonia is kinda out of control. Animals get kidnapped/poached, smaller animals are at a huge disadvantage and have basically no power [politically or otherwise], endangered species are a very real thing, poverty is a huge issue for most of the population- and in the middle of all this is Buster Moon.

He's gonna be the main perspective. And the story will also serve as a slight character study on him, mixed with my own grittier and batshit insane changes/headcanons/alternate universe ideas on his backstory. He's a ray of sunshine with a lot of bottled-up feelings that will kinda really take control of the story.

Buster has been arrested multiple times. He's been put in unsuccessful therapy. He's still grieving his dad. He's committing crime and compulsively lying about those illegal actions too. He has emotional difficulties that he hasn't dared try touching on in years, and he has issues with letting go- which, is kinda how all of his new problems come to be.

The threat of his theater being repossessed if his show isn't a success gets a LOT more emphasis too.

But on top of that is the added threat of Buster getting sent out of the city if he can't get his business up and running. Remember how I mentioned endangered animals?? Well Koalas are one of them. One of the big ones, actually. He's the only Koala in a city of almost five hundred thousand, and it's been that way for almost half a decade now. It's been causing issues for the people in charge for half a decade now. Koalas have government-protected settlements far away from here due to their numbers being so few, so if Buster loses the theater? That's the next step for him.

But, to help this poor dude through all the stress of life is the found-family he develops with the cast he hired. He helps them for a lot of the first act, and then they give back his kindness in the second. They connect through their similar experiences, as well as their shared passion for music and performance. And by the end, maybe Buster's okay. Or maybe he's had a complete downward spiral [not gonna speak of act three 🥰]

Other characters have also had a shift in their dynamics. Things in the story have changed. Like for instance- Gunter already knew Buster and was a close friend of him and Eddie before the show, Judith is now the mayor and a main character, Pete has been put in place of the banker in charge of Buster's accounts, Buster unfortunately gets involved in politics, Mike actually gets to bond with the cast- actually the cast gets to bond with the cast point blank period [idc what you say, this just straight up doesn't happen in the canon movies], and to top it all of is a generous helping of angst with a few acts of violence sprinkled in 🤭

The actual Act I summary is this right now:

Buster had been in tight situations before-- suffocating situations, even. He’d been in every kind of trouble imaginable, he thought. With family, friends, local businesses, the law. But he'd always wormed his way out, either through loopholes or by charm. Or usually just by stacking another lie on top of his already crumbling facade. But this time it's gonna take more than a cover-up to fix this. ‏‏‎ Buster’s dishonesty takes him too far once again, a simple typo causing him to unintentionally land himself in a wager that could cost his very life. He has two months to fix this- to ACTUALLY fix this. And the worst part is that he hadn't even meant to lie this time. ‏‏‎ The First Act of Tone Deaf.

TLDR; Buster learns to love again after experiencing the horrors of animalkind firsthand and being healed by theater kids LMFAO

#thanks for the ask <3 #sorry for the late response #sing movie #Buster Moon #Tone Deaf #my asks #Tone Deaf is Sing cranked up to 100 point blank period #I have NOT been drinking enough water lmao #thank you for the compliments too :D #I'm actually really proud of how my art has evolved #my old Buster sketches 💀💀💀#I hope the last few months since you asked this have been awesome for you ;-;#I could not fit everything in a single post believe it or not- but I tried giving the key details #alternate universe #call it “Sing-but-pg13” I guess #edit- after reviewing the guide this thing would probably be rated-R

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vampirethin27 · 4 months

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Blog Intro

⚠️TW!!: This Is An ED Blog. I'm Not Here To Be Harmful, Just Finding A Community, Scroll or Block If Uninterested⚠️

Hi! My name is Elliott, I'm 19 (it's my birthday as of posting this 🥳🎂🎉), and I've had disordered eating patterns for about a decade now and have been on ana blogs and things of the sort for like 7 years. I've had the blogs, the journals, the calculators, the screenshots as wallpapers, all the fun stuff

Name: Elliott (Lia/Eli)

Age: 19

Birthday: February 3rd

Gender: Genderfluid

Pronouns: Varies Between She/He/It, Usually Present Semi-Feminine No Matter What Though

Sexuality: Bisexual

Mental Diagnoses: Anorexia, Bipolar, Anxiety, Autism (😎), and probably PTSD, I haven't checked but reputable sources keep telling me to

I also have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), which is a chronic illness that basically spikes me with adrenaline when a positional change happens, like rolling from my left to right side in bed or going from sitting down to stand up, and other stuff like my vision blurs and I run out of breath easily. Look it up, there's so many random fucking things that can be POTS and you'd never know it it's insane

Anywho, now for the actual fun stuff!

My Stats

Weight

Height: 156.6cm

HW: 142lbs

SW: 105lbs

CW: 99lbs

LW: 97lbs

GW: 95lbs

UGW: 90lbs

Measurements

Thigh (R): 52cm (20.4in)

Thigh (L): 51.5cm (20.25in)

Hips: 82cm (32.25in)

Waist: 64cm (25in)

Underbust: 72cm (28in)

Bust: 83.5cm (32.75in)

Overbust: 80cm (31.25in)

Wrist (L): 15cm (5.75in)

Wrist (R): 15cm (5.75in)

Bicep (L): 24.5cm (9.5in)

Bicep (R) 26cm (10in)

My Current Favorite Thinspo

KEY

(for those of you who are maybe new to ED Tumblr and aren't sure what I'm saying)

Ana: Anorexia Nervosa

Mia: Bulimia Nervosa

Coe: Compulsive Over-eating disorder

Ednos: Eating disorder not otherwise specified

BED: Binge eating disorder.

ED: Eating disorder

SI: Self injury

AnaMia: Having both anorexia and bulimia

Pro-ana: This term infers being pro-active in the ED community, usually online. It does not mean promote ED's in any way, shape or form.

Thinspiration: Collection of thin looking peoples pictures, used to inspire those with ana/mia. Can also be text scenarios/imagines

Anorectic/Anarexyc: One who has anorexia. There's a billion variants of it

CW: Current weight.

HW: Highest weight.

LW: Lowest weight.

GW: Goal Weight.

SW: Starting weight.

GW1: First goal weight. (implying a GW2, etc.)

UGW: "Ultimate"/Final goal weight.

IP: In patient.

BMI: Body Mass Index.

And Memes <33

I can't fit more photos than this, but that's the rundown of me!

I'm currently on my way to eat dumplings, sushi, and sashimi for my birthday dinner because I have a sushi obsession.

It has resulted in an adjacent raw fish obsession because... well, here's a list of things that make my POTS symptoms worse (food wise)

• spice

• sugar

• gluten

• dairy

• eating too many carbs in a day

• eating too fast

• eating too much

• not eating often enough

So I avoid most things, specifically bread when it's unnecessary and dairy all the time

Also, last thing I swear, EGGS AREN'T DAIRY

THEY'RE NOT

WHO THE FUCK PUT EGGS IN THE DAIRY SECTION???

Hydrate or Diedrate, have a good my birthday <33

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eternally-tired-cryptid · 6 months

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I don't know how to explain to people that time blindness is so much more than Just getting distracted watching vids or scrolling apps or playing games. Like it's not just. Oh wow I've watched a lot of videos for longer than I meant to. It's. Even though there's literal time stamps when watching videos and shows I have no concept of how much time has passed. If there were no clocks on my phone or laptop and if just watched 3 thirty minute videos I'd tell you I'd just been chillin for like, 30 minutes or something idk. Like I have no concept of time, it doesn't make sense to me.

I don't have a watch atm cuz it broke but when I did have a watch I'd have to compulsively check it to replace that lack of a sense of time. And STILL. It's like. I'd think "oh it's stupid to check my watch it's been like five minutes" WRONG it's been three hours. Or "man it's been a while what time is it" JOKES ON ME its not even been a minute

And then I get pissed at myself for losing track of time and I don't realize how long that frustration and spiraling takes and suddenly it's even LATER and I'm late or I'm exhausted but now I have to calm down before I do whatever the thing was. Like.

#jasper rambles #time blindness #between that and my derealization/depersonalization/dissociation i have no concept of time. time is fake and i dont like it.#idk im in a weird spot lately bc im having the reverse problem w everything of my dissociation from reality and self which is Everyhthing Fe #els Very Real and im fcking scared #llate night rambles #ANYWAY!

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felixxthefrog · 5 months

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i wish i could escape her.

i wish i could escape her, but i know i can't. i've never been able to.

i see her face every time i look in the mirror.

i see her in the way my eyes glow in the sun, and the softness of the curls that hug my face.

her cheeks mimic mine, and the frown lines between our brows are shadows, photocopies of each other.

i glance at my chin and the squish that lies beneath it - for a moment a see a flash of her nails clawing at her own throat, and her frustrated groans are once again ring sharp in my ears.

"god it's horrendous," it echoes, "i need to lose weight."

it's her hand that guides mine to my stomach to prod at the fat that has accumulated since i got married;

her fingers that snatch the sweets out of pantry to chuck them in the bin;

her hunger pangs that keep me gazing longingly at the fresh buttered tortillas i crave and deny.

it's her grip that straightens my shoulders when i slump forward in exhaustion;

her ever-scrutinizing gaze that makes me reach for the dainty nude heels over the bulky, chunky, spiked, black leather boots that i want to wear so desperately;

her unnerving stare that makes me put back the short shorts and reach for the tea-length dress.

her quiet words still cut deep,

"do you seriously have stretch marks?" and i know she really means 'you were supposed to be better than me.'

her disdainful stare stabs through my chest when i attend dinner with fire truck red hair and a slit in my brow

her opinions ricochet off the walls of my brain "stretched lobes are so ugly, i just think they're horrible." as i gaze longingly at the ornate gold gauges that i reluctantly scroll past.

as much as i abhor every moment she influences who i am, i cannot escape her.

when i passingly mention transness, i feel it in my soul. i feel everything she does, everything she says, everything she has ever said and will ever say.

her hands stretch down my throat and tear my vocal chords from their place when my aunt mentions politics, and they tear my ribs out of place to shred my lungs when she asks me why i haven't gone to church recently. she unthreads my veins from under my skin when she points at the spot that appeared on my cheek this morning and digs her nails into my heart when she tells me she wishes i wouldn't dress like that.

my mind screams and cries begging for her approval, and i know, i know i will never receive it, i know she will never care enough, i know i will never be enough

i know that her god will always and forever fill the place in her heart where i am supposed to be, and i know that her fear and insecurity and compulsion to stick with the status quo will overshadow any beauty that resides within her, and as such within me, but

it

still

hurts

like

hell

and i cannot escape her.

i wish i could escape her.

#poetry #mommy issues #cptsd #just cptsd things #religious trauma #familial trauma #eldest daughter syndrome #felix md #it's only kinda poetry #it's mostly rambling

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jayteacups · 5 months

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goodbye (+ good riddance) 2023...

(we're getting a little personal and sort of vent-y in the first half, sorry in advance. for that reason, reblogs are turned off)

2023 has been, to put it lightly, one of the worst years of my life when it comes to personal stuff. Things at uni took a nosedive real fast, basically. I'm now working on a transfer application to another one, and it looks like I'm gonna be a student for way longer than I expected, which really isn't helping with my FOMO, because my uni experience made me deeply unhappy compared to everyone else I knew, who seemed to be thriving. This also isn't helping with the feeling that I was lagging behind everyone else in the race when I was once in the far lead. Right now I don't want to go too into detail about why I was unhappy, why I'm transferring, so I'll leave this at that.

I also lost contact with one of my closest friends who I've known since year 10, who actually went to the same uni as I did, and that hurt. I still have complicated feelings about her because on one hand, she and I were really close in uni and we shared a lot of happy memories together, but on the other, she hurt the feelings of two of our other friends on separate occasions, and they no longer talk with her because of it. Though neither her nor the two other friends made me feel this way, I always felt torn between the two 'sides'. So I still don't entirely know how to feel about it all, and am still kind of processing it, to be honest. Not only that but some really exhausting online drama behind the scenes happened in spring/summer of this year as well (iykyk lol) which was upsetting because this little internet bubble is a safe space for me and many others.

All that aside though, some really great things happened on here this year. Although I didn't get to write as much as I thought I would (due to the aforementioned personal stuff affecting my mental health and my ability to create) I've made many friends here this year, and I cherish you all dearly, even if I don't talk with some of you guys as much as I would have wanted. I hope to talk with you guys more in the upcoming year! Being in a fandom space, where I can talk to people with a common interest, and reading/writing fics, is something I always look forward to, and often brightens up my day.

I am going to make my resolutions here: to write more and improve my craft (because I have so many more ideas), do better in answering and reaching out to people, both on here and IRL, to work on my mental health and myself as a person because I have been sorely neglecting that this year, and of course to get my shit together when it comes to time management, procrastination and compulsively scrolling on all my socmeds. That doesn't mean I'll not be around next year, because I most definitely will (Levi brainrot go brrrr), but I'll try to control myself and make my relationship with socmed a little healthier! I think I may try to not be on it first thing in the morning, and only for a set amount of time per day, for example. (sounds simple but I really do need to get organised lol)

If you're still here and reading all of my waffling (sorry for subjecting you to that lol), thank you 😂 I've scheduled this post for right before New Year's, by the time it posts, I'll be out with my friends, so I won't be back on here until some time later in the morning. I'm wishing you all the best for the next year. I love you all and am so proud of you. Here's to 2024, and here's to better things.

–Jay 🫶🏼

#jayteacups rambles

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megumi-fm · 9 months

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resuming to productivity

hey besties I haven't been regular for a while now and i think it's finally time to admit the elephant in the room. I'm not going to use words like executive dysfunction and burnout because if i'm entirely honest I don't really know what they mean and I'm afraid that I'd be appropriating these terms and/or greatly exaggerating my situation, but yeah, I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a while

A lot of work has been piling up over the weeks and for that exact reason I don't wanna do any of it and then more keeps piling up and. the vicious cycle just keeps going. I've been consuming way too much caffeine for my own good, and on the days I don't have access to coffee/energy drinks (which is usually the weekends when I'm home and my mom refuses to indulge my caffeine addiction) I'm passed out for most hours of the day. I'm avoiding most of my problems by doom-scrolling and my friends have been gaming on discord so I conveniently join them instead of getting any of my work done. And it's not like I'm enjoying either; everything I do to avoid work, I do while feeling completely stressed out and frozen. It's been... bad

and like yeah I know that at the root of all this procrastination and avoidance is really just a huge fireball of fear and apprehension and. I'm just so worried about how things are going to go. it feels like the time I have is so little and like I'm supposed to have planned out everything for the rest of my life in the next three months or something and. yeah. I feel compulsively driven to not even try. and instead of sitting with my resistance and processing these super unpleasant emotions I spent the past week trying to block out my brain and jump directly into a routine. and that went about as well as you'd expect. I was irritable and tired and I got nothing done.

so, yeah, I've been forced back into the healthy mature path of taking care of myself. Although it was obvious from the very beginning I always tend to learn the hard way- to be truly productive i need to pay attention to how I'm feeling.

---

I've decided I'm not gonna consider the last six days for my days of productivity. I'm noting today as day 45 of 100. Maybe I'll make a separate dop post by the end of the day, but we'll see. Note to self- completing any task, big or small, is good progress. I tend to get overexcited and take on wayy more than I'm equipped to hold, I wanna try to be aware of when I do that. yeah. this week is gonna be the 'in-my-feels' week

#100 days of productivity #100dop #studyblr #studyspo #100 days of self discipline #100 days of studying #100 dop #study motivation #study blog #uniblr #just adhd kid things ig #megumi.txt #2023dop

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balkan-marie · 6 days

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I figured out what exactly was wrong with me in summer 2022 oughhh

This was one of my super severe themes, it was so bad I couldn't go outside nor enjoy literally anything. All I did was stay in my hotel bed and cry all the time while my family was at the beach. My family must have thought I was depressed.

The thoughts didn't stop as if they were literally an unskippable YouTube ad that was going on until I fell asleep. Sleeping was the only time where I wasn't bothered by the thoughts or didn't cry. Nothing could help. When I got back in my home town, I was compulsively checking everything I've said in all group chats and whatnot and deleting messages on my laptop, it could last for hours and I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't share anyone about this because I knew I will not get any support or help.

The only things that helped me with this were Splatoon 3's release and deleting/leaving all of my social medias. I rewatched gameplays of the story mode (and the other games) over 3 times or even more. Something about this game made me feel safe and was slowly starting to calm me down, it also helped me with another very severe OCD theme I had since I was a little kid (Remember the recent splatfest which Frye won? Yeah it was about that, I didn't play much, I tried to avoid or scroll really fast about anything related to this splatfest and I skipped every dialogue because I didn't want to get it again, but unfortunately I still got some thoughts back, but not so bad like before...) . (But then ocd decided to go after my interests since it goes after what you value or what's important to you the most)

I kind of still have it but it's between mild-medium?? I have hundreds and hundreds of drafts my ocd doesn't let me post or I delete them minutes or seconds after posting. I also avoid making anymore social media accounts (I did make an ArtFight account that I'll be deleting after it ends) and I've been wishing to delete my Tumblr account (or make a new one. Again. Where I just look at fanart or post without tags or just my OCs) because it makes me nervous and I see lots of things that make me spiral. (..Those reblog bait posts)

#Long post #Ocd #Ocd Awareness #Some good news is that my OC Bozhana helps me with my OCD #I've noticed big changes #So she's kinda like my past but also present self and how I was like through the years when I didn't know what was going on with me #But I am scared if it will get worse in the future again :(

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healingsprout · 23 days

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Hey, I just wanted to reach out after seeing your recent post about your struggle atm with your intrusive thought pattern. I don't want to speak to your experience at all, friend, but as someone who also suffers from OCD tendencies and has had a lot of CBT to help me deal with them in the day to day, I wanted to reach out and offer some gentle words of encouragement and advice. First of all, it's ok to have intrusive thoughts, you're good fam <3 they will happen, and even people who aren't sufferers get them! So, don't let them overpower you right now. MMOs are hard games for people like us because there really is no truly right way to do any of it. We're just projecting our own ideas of perfectionism onto a game which is literally designed for anyone to play anyway they want. It's a rough spot! But, you have plenty to show for your time. I can see amazing screenshots you've taken on your blog with a cursory scroll, for one. All those skills you learned taking those transfer to a new character, should you choose to make a new main. (I am not going to tell you what to do here, your patterns and mine are likely very different, so you need to handle them how you can <3) What I will gently suggest, is if you do decide to start again and play the game the way you feel is "right", don't delete your current main. Leave them there as a soft, visual reminder to yourself that nothing is wasted by starting again, and when we don't do things the way we think is perfect, it doesn't mean the world is going to end. Be well <3

You have no idea how much this means to me! MMOs are really rough and they've been my game of choice for 15 years now. I literally don't know how many times I've deleted my mains to have a fresh start usually on a different server. I was venting to my husband how lonely it can get because I never stay in one place for too long. With ffxiv I've mapped out how I want to level so many times, but it usually falls apart because I think of another way to do it. I remind myself it'll never be perfect, but it's so hard to ignore the compulsion. I've made 6 new characters in the last 2 weeks trying to figure out what I want to do lol. I've even been just taking a break to play less to see if it'll move on. If I do decide to really start over, I'm going to give it a bit to see what I'm really wanting out of it and I'll definitely leave my main alone. I'll start on another data center and forget she's there XD I really do appreciate your kind words it's made me feel a lot better.

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deadnametrading · 1 year

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Why is it named "Conquest"?: The first of the four horseman, and the Control Devil.

This is a CSM post, but it's also generally about the topic of the four horseman, and the question of who comes first. I am approaching as an amateur so I don't claim to be a theologian.

There are some spoilers for late CSM part 1, where the control Devil appears in the final arc.

Biblical context:

In the Book of Revelations (or in Greek: Apocalypse), there is a special scroll belonging to God, sealed with seven seals. And when all seven are opened, a long series of calamities will come over the earth, culminating in the final victory of good over evil, and heaven on Earth.

The reason this matters is that the four horseman appear as the first through fourth seals are broken. The first horseman is called "Conquest" the earliest herald of the apocalypse.

Now, I give all this context because without it, people get confused about the purpose of the conquest horseman, it's name reminds them too much of the war horseman. They offer alternatives like "pestilence" or even "pollution", which I've never liked.

The conquest horseman symbolises subjugation, domination, and being defeated. The book was likely written in reign of emperor Domitian, and the First Jewish Revolt against Roman rule was still in living memory.

Conquest and the Control Devil

The fear of being conquered is the fear of being controlled by an outsider, or an enemy. It's the fear of domination and the loss of freedom. It's the fear of being made impotent in your resistance, unable to break free.

The Control Devil controls people and devils, whether alive or dead, can forcefully use the contract powers of humans, and can make one sided deals and force humans to accept the. Once under their compulsion, it's very difficult to escape.

I have also been told that there's similar Kanji in the Japanese names of the Control Devil and Conquest Horseman, but I've yet to see satisfactory proof of that.

Conquest is different to War because, essentially, the rise of a new conqueror, brings war to all places and people. The destruction of war causes famines, and finally mass death (likely plagues and infestations which killed more people in war times until the late modern era.).

I will also note, many traditions don't look nearly as pessimistically on the Conquest Horseman, as their depiction wearing a crown, riding a white horse, and wielding a bow, evoke a very regal, noble, and pious image. Some even purported that the conquest horseman would be Jesus himself.

Anyway, if you were wondering about the place and purpose of the conquest horseman, I hope this helps.

#the four horsemen #conquest #chainsaw man part 1 #chainsaw man spoilers #control devil #chainsaw man #the power system of csm offers a lot to think about #and thats the most i really want out of any power system

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fangs-claws-paws · 7 months

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Ranting

Just wanna put a bunch of petty, angry thoughts down somewhere.

99% is gonna be Warhammer 40k cuz dear god have some things been bothering me for a bit!

I honest to god care so little about the primarchs it is insane. Like I don't hate them, nor do I think they're bad, and I do genuinely like some of them. My problem is most writing and anything specific has to do with 'omg konrad so hot!' or 'magnus is bae!' p much insert any primarch there and its the same thing. And I just sit there with a grimancing smile cuz I just don't care for them like that, they're interesting characters in their plots, but I don't feel any sort of obsession or compulsion to write more about them, their story is told in the setting and that's good. I really don't want to read the 200th shipping piece about them with each other or insert guilliman/yrvaine, or primarch/self-insert, they are nothing to me. I care leaps and bounds more about the space marine's themselves, more about their loyalty to their primarchs and how that makes many do things they never would have done otherwise. Like the butchers nail in the world eaters, stuff like that. But at least on AO3 fanfiction its so rare it might as well not exist.

I guess bold words coming from the writer of the horniest/most fucked up space marine fan fic on the site. But I am allowed to bitch.

Other thing I hate with AO3 warhammer fanfiction, though looks more general, is the fixation with cross-over writing. Like there at least 10 fics there that are warhammer 40k crossover with my hero academia of all things. Let alone the 50+ fandom crossover fics that are a chore to scroll past due to the length of their tags (thankfully that's mostly reduced thanks to the tag limit AO3 had to enforce). None of them offer anything new, or interesting, or really anything I find worthwhile to read. Most can be boiled down to 'we took academia characters and hastily jammed them in roles of the primarchs' or something else just as uninspired. and again, like you do you, but it's miserable having to scroll through most fics and except for maybe 1 or 2 they are all pretty much the same thing with different window dressing.

Also wish there wasn't a treat of woobifying chaos. Acting like they're secretly the real good guys. Aside from being resoundingly not based in canon even remotely, it removes why I love chaos so much. I'm not a fan of chaos cuz I think they'll make everything right, I'm a fan cuz they just wanna watch everything burn and do horrific shit. Maybe I am tired of being nice, maybe I do wanna go ape shit! That's the appeal, the catharsis of being something so horrific and beyond good, and loving every step of the way.

Also not a huge fan of the new thing being hating space marines as boring generic action heroes, which I do kinda get bc GW loves using them as poster boys. But I dunno, I've just related to space marines more than the guardsmen. Not that I've ever been in war or some of the horrors they face. But when I relate is the isolation and seperation from the average human, like I loved reading in one of the Ahriman books how a space marine sat in a human chair and how it struggled to not shatter, how it made at least me aware how the world is not designed for them. They're children who were taken at an extremely young age and honed into weapons to be wielded, and I love when we're reminded that they kinda still are and how they're dehumanized by the Imperium. While space marines get along decently with each other, they struggle to understand the average human, how technically they're still emotionally children who have been given extremely dangerous weapons. That despite being angels of death for the imperium some humans still see them as freakish mutants that are barely tolerable only because they are weapons.

Like I know its extremely childish of me, but I do feel a little upset, annoyed, etc when space marines get parodied as obnoxious, stupid, hyper-masculine action hero jokes. Like 'oh ho ho! Bad ass space marines have to have their cybernetics tended to by humans, just proves regular humans are so superior to dumb marines!' Like yeah, but do you not see how it can also reflect the level of trust these dehumanized potentially deeply repressed traumatized individuals have to have that they allow select humans to help them with their disability, something that space marines shouldn't have, at least according to propaganda. Or how war can irreperably change even someone who is now seen as a tool, or that space marines are seen as just as replaceable as the cybernetics that they are augmented with. LIke IDK, maybe I see too much of myself in fictional superhuman dudes, but it irks me to have them only be seen as either just cool (which I tolerate infinitely more) or as something that must be constantly parodied and treated as something to be derided as pathetic masculine fantasy (which I detest)

#vent #negative

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venusinsilk · 5 months

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10 days since I deleted tumblr from my home screen

I read and finished 2 books

I've been journaling, mostly responding to prompts and bullet journaling about my days and to do lists

I've been sitting in discomfort with my compulsion to feel dopamine and acknowledge how bad the addiction is. It's scary how much I relied on tuning out and numbing my own thoughts with images and text from others. It's getting less intense now. Usually now when I reach for my phone as a distraction, I look at my email, then my messages, then my Notion page for habits, then finally start reading my book on Readera.

I'm more focused on responding to others and communicating in general when I use my phone, and I'm less passive

Tumblr is still a platform I enjoy, and I've found so many amazing art references and read great things here. The amount of time I spent scrolling on here was truly detrimental to my mind though.

I'm still going to post on here but I'm going to be less active. I'm not quitting social media, just taking an approach where I create more than I consume.

Follow my baking insta- bakeryburnout if you want! I sometimes post stories on there :)

#self

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gemsmain · 1 year

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Does anyone have tips for OCD-related obsessions?

There's a specific type of discourse that my mind keeps getting stuck on. It keeps coming back because of how personal it is, how connected it is to traumatic oppression rooted deep in my life (and the lives of most of the people I care about), and the fact that I keep seeing it everywhere because of how normalized it is.

It comes up, and my mind instantly connects to all the horrible things I know about it. All the bigotry and trauma, all my emotions associated with the mistreatment. I spiral and just argue with imaginary people in my head for hours, because my brain is so stuck on the thought of, "How are people not getting this?" and the compulsion is that if I obsess over it enough, or explain enough, somehow I'll get people to understand.

My compulsions drive me to think about it for hours, repeatedly. Sometimes I just get on social media and scroll through posts about it. I've been feeling urges to make posts again, because my brain is just so stuck on how baffled I am that people have the stances that they do.

But I know none of this is helpful. Sending more posts into a void won't do much. The information is there already. I can't make people take stances and make choices that I believe are healthy and progressive. The mental obsessing only hurts me.

I just don't know how to stop my brain from doing this whenever I get triggered (i.e. when I hear a Bad Take or see some bad world event or am otherwise reminded). I can keep myself from physical actions (i.e. getting on social media), but don't know how to stop the mental obsessing.

#actuallyocd #it's so hard dealing with stuff related to trauma and oppression that are extremely normalized and supported in spaces that are #supposed to be safe and progressive #i need to keep telling myself that i can't save the world and that i need to practice acceptance #and again to focus on what i CAN do to help instead of focusing on the opposition #having ocd just makes it so difficult to get ''un-stuck''#rly rly want the ability to mentally acknowledge 'hm i disagree with that' and move on

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androkitty · 11 months

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i miss you

i unlock my phone

i forget for a moment

then i remember

why i unlocked phone in the first place

i translate my thoughts into words

i rearrange my words compulsively

i attempt to record a voice message "to be sound spontaneous"

digital wellbeing notification tells me my screen time went up by an hour and 41 minutes this week

i start to question if i'm speaking gibberish

i start to question if you miss me too

my screen time is now up by two hours and i haven't said anything so i lock the screen and throw my phone across my bed

you send me a photo of your cat and i giggle

i respond with emojis and you ask me questions and questions and questions

and i'm not confident enough in any sentence i build to stick to it for longer than a couple of beats so i

type... delete

online

disappears

and you let me go. you don't take it personally, you don't press me about it, you'll respond to my apology saying i don't have to apologize

and i don't trust you, not really. i'll always doubt if you're lying to spare my feelings, so there's no assuaging my guilt

the benzo i take makes me sleepy so i fall into a daydream. we're together at recess, in line for our turn to run towards the skipping rope and do something impressive in front of the other kids

it's too bright for comfort, i can barely makeout the horizon but i see you clear as day. your turn is up, you look back at me with a nervous smile then run

suddenly i'm one of the kids holding the rope and i miss the beat and trip you before you got to do your trick. right there and then i'm hit with the knowledge that you've been practicing

before i get to apologize you're preemptively mitigating my guilt. i want to cry because i feel bad about myself but i want to give you cute bandaids because i know you love hello kitty and i want to hold back tears because i know you hate seeing me upset and i want to apologize because i love you

apologizing feels like a demand for forgiveness when i'm actually begging you to reconsider. begging you to ask yourself if i've earned your forgiveness

i wake up with my phone buzzing. it's the mean alarm clock i set up to remind me to eat that i play off as a joke but actually hurts my feelings

it reads as an accusation: it's 2pm and i haven't eaten anything yet. i can't fathom how to get myself to eat, let alone how to make sense of all this heavy abstract shit constricting my breath and send you a text

i eat peanuts and hold back the urge to open a beer or smoke a joint so i just scroll my presence away until i'm emaciated

i'm online and deeply unavailable

i hate myself more with each passing second added to my screentime

#this took too long to.write my hands are numb my eyes are dry i'm sleep deprived enough as it is

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