#but i will not apologize for emotional damages | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brooklynisher · 2 days

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Alright, I'll post it here. Please be nice, it's my first published writing on here :}

CW for emotional distress, yelling, and animal abuse

Green Light

The Spine has been called on by Peter Walter to participate in a few tests, but The Spine can’t help but feel that there’s something very wrong about these tests.

The Spine stood still counting the number of wires in the room. He counted the wires, then the flasks, then the ratio of flasks, empty to full to partially full. He would read the paper. Making sure to read each and every word carefully and slowly. Refusing to continue until he understood every last bit of what he just read. This is how he spends his free time. It’s not like he has much else to do. Aside from the fact that he and all of the other robots haven’t been around for more than a few months, there’s also a lot he’s simply not allowed to do. But as much as he hates being unable to do anything he wants, he has developed some essential skills considerably faster than the others.

When he learned how to read, that’s all he really did, though he limited himself to the newspapers. He was pretty caught up in current events as a result. Counting, fractioning, identifying things around the room, while being relatively simple tasks to most adults, was a huge learning experience for the titanium robot. Anything he can do to be just a bit smarter was propitious.

Peter Walter walks in with a strange expression on his face. The Spine can’t tell if he’s angry, passionate, if his feelings are strong or dull, he simply can’t tell. He feels it’s a failure in his ability to identify facial expressions.

“The Spine,” Peter starts.

“Yes sir?” The Spine straightens his posture.

“I need you to come with me.”

He makes a small gesture urging The Spine to follow him. The Spine spine responds with a simple, “Yes sir.” before taking his inventor’s lead. He tries to make sure any anxiety doesn’t show. He’s a robot after all. He’s not supposed to be feeling things like anxiety. Yet he can’t help but feel slightly anxious every time Peter calls on him to do something he doesn’t know anything about. They arrived in a small concrete room. It’s mostly empty with the exception of an oddly colorful board hanging high up on the wall. The board contains the names of each Walter automaton followed by 5 red lightbulbs. A few of the bulbs for each robot are green, but none are out of order. Peter orders The Spine to stay put before leaving the room. The Spine tries to make observations while he waits.

“Rabbit… 3 green lights… 2 red… Zer0… 5 green lights… 0 red… Hatchworth-”

Peter Walter has returned. The Spine straightens his posture once again. Peter seems to be pulling a large wagon of some kind. The contents inside the wagon are covered with a beige tarp. Peter approaches The Spine.

“The Spine,” Peter starts.

“Yes sir?”

“Take my wrist.”

He pulls up his sleeve. The Spine notices that Peter’s wrist seems to be oddly beat up. He’s not sure what this could mean, but he must obey orders. He grips his wrist as gently as possible trying not to harm him.

“Squeeze it,” Peter commands.

Squeeze it? But The Spine is made out of metal. Peter is made out of flesh. The Spine doesn’t have sensory receptors. Peter does. For all he knows, he already has a tight grip around Peter’s wrist. What if he hurts him? What would he do? But The Spine has learned that obedience is better than defiance. Even if it’s at the risk of causing more issues. He squeezes his wrist.

“AUGH!”

Peter pulls his hand away and turns his back towards The Spine. The Spine is instantly filled with regret, grabbing his own hand as if to keep it under control. He canes his neck just enough to see the damage he has caused. Peter’s hand is limp. Oh god.

“Pe- Mister Walter! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean- I- I was just-” He tries to apologize, but the words struggle to escape him. He’s not even allowed to apologize. If he apologizes, then that means he made a mistake. And mistakes are a no-go here.

“Stop your stammering!” Peter hisses at him.

The Spine only hangs his head low. Ready to endure whatever it is that he deserves. Peter takes a big shaky breath in.

“You’re… you’re fine… This is good. You’re very strong. Maybe even the strongest automaton I’ve built yet… I could do without the apologizing and the stuttering.”

What? Good? He just broke his inventor’s wrist! Of all the mistakes The Spine made in his short lifespan, how was THIS the one that Peter excuses? Hell, he seems more angry about him apologizing and stuttering than he is about him breaking his wrist. What kind of twisted logic is that? Does he want The Spine to hurt him? But those are questions for later. The least The Spine can do right now is be considerate. He waits for a couple of moments to gather his thoughts before speaking.

“Sir, will your wrist be alright?”

“The depths of science in which I have delved are unlike any other. If I can build such a great number of automatons in such a short period using a substance I alone have discovered, then surely I can heal a broken wrist.”

He takes a controller out of his pocket with his good hand and pushes a button. One of the lights next to The Spine’s name turns green. He then turns to the wagon and pulls off one of the tarps, unveiling a dummy. He drags it out of the wagon and places it down on the ground using one arm. The Spine feels bad leaving him to struggle on his own like this, but he didn’t ask for help, so it’s best he just leaves it to him.

“Alright The Spine. Hit it.”

“... Anywhere?”

“As hard as you can.”

The Spine nods and faces the dummy. He can’t necessarily hit “hard” as he doesn’t have muscle but he can hit fast. So he curls his hand up into a fist and punches the dummy in the head as the humans do in news stories at full speed. The body is pushed back, head flying off. The head slams into the wall creating a small shockwave of dust. The Spine flinches. Peter side-eyes him but doesn’t say anything. He hits another button, and another bulb by his name goes green. He moves back to the wagon unveiling another dummy. He drags it to the center and looks straight towards The Spine.

“Activate voice protocol. The Spine,”

The Spine nods involuntarily.

“Activate blue matter ray projector arrays.”

And just like so, The Spine’s arm shifts into an intense-looking weapon. This throws The Spine off guard, but he keeps quiet.

“The Spine, I’d like you to shoot that dummy.”

The Spine looks at the dummy, then back at his hand.

“... How… How do I do that sir?” The Spine asks unaware he even had this feature installed.

“You’re going to have to figure it out on your own. Just as you will in order to disable it.”

The Spine looks back up at the dummy. He doesn’t understand what to do but still points his arm in its direction. He tries to move each part of his arm as if it were normal, and to his surprise, he is successful. The blue matter ray charged up. He aimed it toward the chest of the dummy feeling slightly uneasy. Something about this feels wrong, but he shoots. Before the beam hit, Peter managed to open up an umbrella, shielding himself from the bright red substance that now covers the room. The Spine’s body becomes a mess of red. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. What… What was that? While The Spine was still trying to process what had just happened, he didn’t notice Peter’s glare.

“Relax yourself.”

The Spine closes his mouth, straightens his posture, and tries to rest his shoulders and eyes. However, he finds that he is struggling to calm down. He doesn’t know why he feels so distressed, but something about that didn’t sit right with him. The third light next to his name turns green as Peter hits the button. He pulls out one more dummy, which makes The Spine feel nervous.

“Activate voice protocol. The Spine, activate chainsaw.”

His other arm switches into a chainsaw, alarming him quite a bit. He tries to disable his other arm so that he has a free hand. As he does this, Peter simply stands against a wall and watches. He doesn’t say anything. The Spine looks back at him, hoping he tells him to do something different, but Peter only observes. It’s obvious what he wants him to do. The Spine turned back to the dummy.

“It’s probably just ink…” He thinks to himself still feeling uneasy. He preps his chainsaw and turns it on. The vibrations it produces are undeniably strong. It was almost as if he could feel it. He closes his eyes and slashes the chainsaw through the dummy. His eyes reopened to the sound of screaming. It’s even messier than before. He pulls his chainsaw back staring at the brutalized dummy now dyed red. Did it scream? Was it alive? He doesn’t move. His chainsaw slows to a full stop. What did he do? Another light turned green, he’s now down to his last light before all five of them turn green.

“Are you ready for your final test?” Peter asks.

Is that what they were? Not that it mattered what they were. The Spine was not ready. If anything he was afraid. He was afraid of what came next. He was afraid of Peter Walter. So of course, he nodded. Peter unveils the final hidden object in the wagon as The Spine deactivates his chainsaw. The final hidden object is none other than a crate. A crate… He opens the crate and pulls out a dog…

“No.” The Spine accidentally says out loud. He looks away, trying to hide his face.

“I’ll let you use any method you’d like.”

“No.” Though it was stupid before, it’s almost as though he can’t control himself. He knows what’s going to happen. He’s not going to follow through with this. Peter doesn’t say anything for a second. He then starts to speak.

“You know… there’s a reason why I’m not with the others right now.”

The Spine doesn’t respond.

“The others are sweet robots. And lighthearted ones at that. But they’ve always been a little bit… zany. Compared to you at least.”

The Spine grimaces.

“The only reason why I’m so ‘normal’ compared to the others is because you forced me to be! If I had it my way, I’d be just as wacky as the others, if not a bit more mature.” He wanted to say. But he knew arguing wouldn’t do him any good. Especially in a situation like this where that’s not the problem. So as much as he wanted to fight Peter on this, the best he could do for himself was bite his tongue.

“Such wild and eccentric personalities… They’d never want to hurt a soul… but that doesn’t mean they won’t.”

By now, four of the six main automatons have already achieved all five lights. That leaves one other who has yet to complete the test.

“And I’ll admit, it was partially my fault. My idea of the perfect robot would’ve never led up to this moment, yet it has. So for the sake of humanity, I’m going to need you to let go of some of what I had taught you. Obedience is key. Listen to me The Spine.”

The Spine slouches a little shaking his head.

“I can’t.”

“You have to.”

“But I can’t.”

“The Spine-”

“It’s a living creature! I can’t make myself do it…” The Spine then makes the mistake of looking at the puppy. It yawns a big yawn before lying down. His resistance grows stronger. How is he supposed to kill this thing?

“Kill the dog The Spine.”

“Why don’t you just make me kill the dog? Won’t that be easier? It’s not like you don’t have the power to.” His response comes out much more disrespectful than he meant it to, but it seems like there’s no stopping himself at this point. Peter’s eyes widen.

“You’re going to kill the dog whether you want to or not.”

“That’s how it’s always been, hasn’t it? You’re asking me to do things on my own accord but not unless you allow me to. What kind of sense does that make?” It was unlike The Spine to talk back so much. Even during moments where he was defiant, he’s never been this much of a brat about it.

“Spine-”

“You want me to kill Rabbit next? Make me kill your favorite robot just so you can yell at me for it afterward?” At this point, The Spine’s retorts became less relevant. Peter is getting fed up with his behavior. His patience now gone.

“DO YOU WANT THE BECILES TO WIN OR NOT?” Peter yells. This is enough to get The Spine to quiet down. He’s not sure if he knows what he means.

“WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF WAR. BECILE HAS GONE MAD AND IF HE WINS THIS COULD DETERMINE MORE THAN THE FATE OF SCIENCE. IT COULD DETERMINE THE FATE OF OUR STATE. IT CAN DETERMINE THE FATE OF THE WORLD. A SCIENTIST AS CRAZY AS HIM SHOULD NOT HAVE ACCESS TO SUCH INTENSE TECHNOLOGY AND SUCH INTENSE POWER. DO YOU WANT HIM TO GET AWAY WITH THAT?”

The Spine only looks down at the ground out of guilt. He’s not quite sure what Peter is talking about, but he knows he’s blaming him for… something. At least, that’s what it feels like. He pauses for a few seconds before finally saying something.

“I’m sorry Mister Walter… but… I can’t help it that I’m… I’m an individual… and I can’t… I can’t kill an innocent creature. I just can’t… I don’t want the Beciles to win, but I’m just not capable of this sort of thing. I’m sorry…”

Peter is about to respond when he hears a small yelp from the other room. The Jon’s 5th light has turned green. He looks back down at The Spine, but he doesn’t say anything. Even so, The Spine knows what he would say. When it comes to animals, The Jon was always the best with them. Something about his presence would just attract animals stronger than any bait. He loves animals, and the animals love him. It could not have been an easy assignment for him to kill a creature of any kind. Especially one as innocent and as sweet as a puppy. Yet he still had the guts to kill it. The Spine’s relationship with animals was minimal, yet he refused to kill one just because he didn’t want to. He knew this made him weak, but it didn’t change his stance. He simply hangs his head low out of shame.

Peter notices that he’s still reluctant to complete the task, so he turns to his last resort. He sighs as he lights a match. The Spine hears this and looks up at him. His eyes widened in terror. He’s heard horror stories about being burned alive. He knows what he’s going to do.

“Don’t. Please Mister Walter don’t hurt it-”

The Spine continues to beg Peter to leave the puppy alone, but ultimately he ignores him. Soon enough, the small animal begins screeching and yelping in pain. The sounds were enough to drive The Spine over the edge. He pulls out his blue matter ray and shoots the poor thing down as quickly as possible. The Spine can feel an intense amount of steam leaving his body, yet his body still feels unbearably hot. It’s as if the steam from his body wasn’t releasing fast enough. That was the last thing The Spine wanted to do, but he really didn’t have another choice. There was nothing he could’ve reliably used to put out the flames and even if he did find something, he wouldn’t know how to heal the small pup. It would only die slower. The only thing he could do was speed up the process.

Peter places a hand on his shoulder. The Spine stiffens. He’s using every last atom in his metal body to resist the urge to tear his inventor apart.

“Why did you kill it?” Peter asks.

“I- You set it on fire! It was suffering! It was in pain! I couldn’t just let it die such a terrible fate like that…”

“Mm..” Peter nods.

“The Spine, there’s something you need to understand.”

The Spine only looks at him.

“In war, everyone is always suffering.”

“...”

“Now, come with me. It’s clear to me that you need some serious repairs.”

The final red light turns green.

#SORRY IF IT SUCKS YALL #There's a few aspects I wish I could expand on more #like Peter seems pretty harsh here. and I feel like I didn't get the whole idea of “This is because of war” out very clearly #if not very forced #but I guess colonels often seem harsh when it comes to training from an outsider's perspective rather than from their own #so maybe it's appropriate #steam powered giraffe #spg #the spine spg #peter walter i #my stuff #writing #fanfic #spg fanfic

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pinklybleu · 3 days

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Bed (s)

Summary: Wandanat and bed trope.

Words: 1419 words

A/N: This wasn't the fic I was planning to post but it was the one I finished so this is what you'll have. Also, I don't know how I managed to do this when I should be finishing my performance for my finals so I wouldn't need to take my subjects (3 of them) for next year.

Natasha hates being blindsided, and if Tony ever shows his face to her in the next few weeks, she’ll give him a black eye to remember this specific situation by. Maybe two. Just to make them symmetrical.

"Where is she?" asked the redhead as she passed by Clint.

"Who?" he asked back with his voice muffled by the large bite of food in his mouth.

Natasha rolled her eyes, a bit disgusted by the sight. "Maximoff. where is she?"

"Have you tried looking?" Clint swallows his food.

Now, Natasha loves Clint. She really does. He's like the brother she never had, but now he's starting to become the brother she'd like to punch.

Natasha felt her left eye twitch. She takes a deep breath to calm herself down before she accidentally released all of her ire on Clint, even the ones that is currently directed at Tony. Tony. That cocky bastard. Just he waits. What was he thinking accepting a mission for Natasha and then pairing her up with the newcomer?

"Nat?" Clint asked after Natasha didn't answer almost a minute later. He moves to take another bite from the food in his hand before it was snatched away and thrown out the tower window by Natasha.

"Wha- Nat!" He was then ignored by the spy who was now walking away from him. What was she thinking, asking him of all people? Never mind. The only people coming to mind who would answer her properly are Steve and Bruce. Just her luck that the first person she comes across is Clint.

Natasha spent the next half hour looking for the brunette and still didn't see her. Really, why in Thor's name is the Avenger's area in the tower so large? Do they really need that much space?

A crash was heard and a subtle shaking was felt. Normally Natasha would ignore it but she heard the voice of the younger woman she was looking for. Natasha walked faster towards the direction of the crash and was met with the sight of Steve staring at his shield that is imbedded into the common room wall, and Wanda frantically saying sorry.

"Maximoff. Get ready, we leave in an hour." Natasha voiced; her tone devoid of any emotion before walking out.

Wanda, who now stopped apologizing to the soldier, followed the redhead with her gaze till the red of her curls was out of sight.

"I see you were avoiding Nat." Steve snapped her out of her thoughts when he suddenly spoke. She turned back around to look at Steve who was now holding his shield in his hands leaving the gaping almost two feet long hole in the wall. They would've been more concerned about said hole if Tony wasn't rich, which means he could easily pay for the damage to be fixed.

"What? No. No, I'm not." Wanda shakes her head.

"It's fine. I understand." Steve chuckles while wiping the dust from his shield. "Romanoff could be a bit-"

"Terrifying?" The brunette immediately chimed in.

"...Intimidating. You find her terrifying?" Steve asked, humor lacing his voice.

The silence that answered Steve made him laugh. Wanda made the decision to leave the common room and go back to her bedroom and pack what she'll need while Steve continued to laugh, clutching his stomach.

Almost an hour later, Wanda was back in the common room, sitting on the sofa with her duffle bag beside her. She stared at the crack in the wall to get her mind off of her nerves while waiting for the older woman who seemed to always intimidate her just by being in her presence.

Wanda heard someone clearing their throat. She turned around and saw the spy leaning at the doorway with her own duffle by her side on the floor. "Good, you're here. Let's go."

She immediately scrambled to follow the redhead who turned around and started walking towards the elevator leading the tower's underground parking.

Inside the older woman's car, Wanda sat in the passenger seat looking down at the folder that Natasha handed her as soon as she sat down. Inside were a few files with limited information on them about the location and what they are after. The brunette wanted to ask the spy about it, if only Natasha didn't look so intimidating when Wanda turned to look at the woman who was concentrated on driving silently.

"It's only a recon." Natasha's voice made Wanda flinch in surprise but she tried not to let it show. She turned to Natasha with a confused look at her face which made the redhead sigh.

"We are only going to scope the area. They aren't going to give a full-blown mission to someone new." Wanda nodded in understanding. She's actually relieved that she wouldn't be doing any type of fighting whatsoever. If it was up to the brunette, she'd rather not do it ever again.

It took another three hours before they reach their destination. Wanda stared at the building in confusion while Natasha was picking up both of their nags from the trunk. "It’s a... warehouse?"

"Hmm?" Natasha looked at her before looking at the building in front of them. "Yeah." She answered before walking inside through a door hidden in plain sight.

Wanda was still skeptical till she followed the older woman inside and was met with the sight of what seems to be a living room with sparse decoration. "This is one of the safehouses that Tony made specifically for the Avengers. Sadly, there is only one bedroom which means we'll have to share."

The brunette nodded, opening the door leading to the bedroom before stopping and staring gob smacked at said bedroom. Natasha noticed her just standing in place and followed till she was beside the younger woman.

Natasha, for the second time that day, felt her left eye twitch at what she saw. Inside the spacious bedroom was ten queen sized bed. It took up most of the space, barely leaving any space to walk past, that it would be a little hard to navigate in the dark without bumping and tripping over everything.

"Tony." Natasha grumbles, rubbing her head in frustration. She sighed in defeat before heaving the duffle bags into two different beds across each other, but not before hitting her knee on one of the bed’s leg.

"Fuc-"

Wanda scrambled towards Natasha. To help in some way, but she herself hit her knee. In a different bed of course, harder than Natasha hit hers.

"Ah! Ow!" The brunette laid down in the narrow space between two beds, on her side, while holding on her bruised knee.

Natasha hobbled towards the younger woman to check on her. Cursing Tony's name so many times in her head, she looked at Wanda on the floor with tears brimming in her eyes.

The redhead glared at the wooden bed while she formulates some sort of plan to get back at Tony for being the reason this event even happened. "What the fuck is this bed made out of? Mahogany?" Natasha groans as she throws herself down on the, thankfully soft, mattress on one of the many beds.

The redhead flinched in surprise when a limb suddenly grasped on the leg she has dangling at the edge. She was about to scream bloody murder when she remembered the witch who was still lying down on the floor. She'd probably sit up and check on what the younger woman needed, but her knee was bruised, as is her ego. Letting the younger woman see her in such condition, it's embarrassing. She's supposed to be this certain type of figure that would strike fear in many with only just hearing her moniker.

It's shameful that the one thing that beats her was a wooden bed.

They stayed that way for a couple of minutes. Natasha, face down on the bed while Wanda was on the floor still holding on the spy's leg. "You don't seem scary right now." Wanda spoke, her voice soft, giving Natasha's leg a soft squeeze.

"Ugh. I'm killing Tony."

"Why do you look so happy?" Bruce asked Tony while they work on something in the lab.

"Oh, you know." Tony chuckles. "I kept hearing this beds trope from a few people at SI, and thought I'd give it a try with the little witch and Natashalie."

"Ah. The only one bed trope. Yeah, I heard of that." Bruce smiles, shaking his head in amusement.

"Wait, you only need one bed?"

#black widow #natasha romanoff #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff #wandanat #natasha x wanda #wanda x natasha #the bed trope #but not really #the avengers

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kylermalloy · 1 year

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November 27, 1940

Fandom: Attack on Titan

Characters: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith

Word Count: 1713

Summary: Trapped in a cellar while their bombed home burns above them, Levi and Erwin have only each other in what could be their last moments. Inspired by the Triassic Cuddle.

Shadows flicker from above, flowers of fire blooming, no doubt burning their few possessions. The few they’ve acquired in their time here, the even fewer they were able to bring across the channel.

Levi coughs. The movement rattles both of them, pressed close enough together to feel their synchronized heartbeats.

“Breathe,” Erwin soothes him. He works hard to smooth the ragged edge to his own voice. The smoke scratches at his lungs, but he refuses to let it claw up his words. Levi will not hear that.

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crowberri · 4 months

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Forgotten Past

[In Stars and Time] spoilers from act 2 onwards; CW suicide ideation

He never could remember huh

Did you know I also wrote the script into a oneshot? :)

#siffrin is suffrin :)#hes going through it #he wants to remember too :((#but alas you cannot go against a wish that way #i apologize for any emotional damage i mightve caused #sorry not sorry <3 #in stars and time #isat #isat spoilers #siffrin #cw suicide ideation #odile #mirabelle #bonnie #isabeau #isat king #art #crowberri.png

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bonebuckets · 2 months

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forgive me father for I have COOKED (intermezzo spoilers)

#this came to me in a vision #I apologize for any emotional damage #not really #super proud to have whipped this up in 15 minutes #feel free to use #just like tag or credit me or something pookies #malevolent #malevolent podcast #malevolent john #malevolent arthur #malevolent intermezzo

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gealachros · 6 months

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Welcome home, Nicholas.

#so i got inspired to make this last night #i apologize in advance for any emotional damage taken #i am really proud of how this turned out though #was striving for the manga style and I think it turned out very well #the couch #my art #artists on tumblr #digital drawing #fan art #trigun #trimax #trigun stampede #trigun maximum #trigun fanart #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #gealachs craic

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half-an-hour-hence · 5 months

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I don’t know why it’s taken me so long, but I’ve only just properly reflected on the fact that Robin was on his own for THOUSANDS of years before the plague ghosts, or Humphrey, or any of his other friends that have since moved on. He must’ve felt so lonely and miserable, watching all those people come and go without being able to properly connect with them before they left again. But what I love about the writing and the characterisation of this show is that they could’ve made Robin distant and mopey, convinced that everyone will leave and therefore reluctant to connect with anyone. But they didn’t. They made him full of life and excited to make friendships with others. They made him arguably the wisest and most emotionally savvy ghost out of all of them, despite him being from the dawn of time and regardless of whether he’s received education or not. And - most importantly - he doesn’t want anyone to feel left out or lonely, because he understands what that’s like. He asks the Captain about Operation William when nobody else was interested, and he talks to Humphrey about Sophie and agrees to teach him French - just to name two examples. I think it’s easy to pass him off as the primary comedy relief within the show, but in reality he is just as much of a layered character as the other ghosts. Maybe even more so.

#ultimately Robin is a combination of just a silly guy and severe emotional damage #apologies for continuously going on rants about these characters #but I love them so much #bbc ghosts #robin ghosts #robin the caveman #larry rickard #six idiots

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muwitch · 7 months

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#miguel o'hara #xina kwan #xinamiguel #spiderman 2099 #mu speaks #hello emotional damage again #my profound apologies for xinamiguel nation i am also in tears

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rabbit-harpist · 28 days

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parting deferred

For perhaps the last time, Joui talks to Liz. pre-desconjuraçao, also posted to my ao3.

////////

Shamefully, his gaze passes over her at first. She’s only another old woman sitting in the back of the library, white head bowed over a study table. But the way she frowns at the mess of papers before her is all Liz.

Joui tries his best to assess her condition as he navigates the shelves. She’s alive. And unhurt, and perhaps even sober. He can breathe more easily now that he sees her.

Someone unexpectedly exits a row in front of him—he startles, reaches for the weight at his hip, apologizes, heart racing—arrives.

Another moment of unfamiliarity. Joui could be looking at someone else’s grandmother reading the paper.

He shakes off the moment, and the uncertainty that suddenly rises in his chest.

“Liz-senpai?”

It takes a moment for his voice to register—she’s absorbed in whatever the papers are telling her. He can see the recognition in her face, the way the hand that holds the pen stops its motion.

She covers her notes as she turns to him. He tries to suppress the sting.

“Joui? What do you want?”

“You didn’t respond to the group chat,” he says, his tone more accusing than he means it to be.

“I muted it. It was distracting me.”

“We were worried. Liz, I went to your apartment and the landlord said it had been sold. And you weren’t answering calls or texts and—“

“How did you find me?” she asks.

Joui is thrown off. “Ce-Kaiser tracked your phone,” he says honestly.

Liz purses her lips. “I see.”

“We were worried,” Joui explains. (I was worried) “You disappeared—what if something had happened to you?”

“Well. As you can see, I’m fine. As fine as I can be. You can tell that to the others.”

Joui looks at the pile of papers—newspapers, dated recently. “Liz-senpai, what are you working on? Can I help?”

She slips her notebook into her bag, covering the table with the other hand. “Joui—I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

And she can—Joui knows Liz, and she’s strong—but how strong is she now? She’s smart—smart enough to get to the bottom of this, whatever it is, and put herself right back in danger.

He misses hearing her theorize, brow furrowed and eyes alight. He misses her laugh and her smile. He misses Liz herself—she’s right in front of him again, but she feels a thousand miles away.

“Don’t disappear again,” he pleads. “We need you.” (I need you, he wants to say, but he’s terrified that it won’t be enough to keep her with him.) “The Order needs you.”

That makes Liz laugh—a bitter echo of his memories. “The Order doesn’t know what it’s doing.” She straightens the papers on the table. “Symptoms,” she says. “They’re treating symptoms, and the heart is rotten. We throw ourselves into a brick wall over and over until every one of us is dead and broken.”

Joui doesn’t know what to say. It’s a mirror of the thoughts that haunt him at night, laid over the memories that never fade. He doesn’t have words of hope—he has to be the strong one now, but he doesn’t know what to do.

Liz turns over the newspapers, arranging and rearranging them feverishly. Joui watches and he doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t know what to do.

He puts a hand on her shoulder, finally, clawing past the uncertainty that freezes him in place.

“Liz-senpai. Look at me, please.”

She meets his gaze, and whatever he’d tentatively planned to say next escapes his mind. Her eyes are older than the wrinkles on her face. The eyes of the monster of death flash into his mind—a thought he despises as soon as he has it.

“Liz-senpai?” he repeats.

“Get out, Joui,” she says, and she just looks tired now.

He isn’t hurt that she’s still putting herself in danger—he understands the itch to do something, anything. He’s hurt that she doesn’t want him beside her. Joui isn’t sure of many things these days, but he knows bone deep that they need to protect each other. If he loses Liz—and Arthur and Kaiser—every part of him that matters will have died.

“If you think I’d leave you, you don’t know me,” he snaps.

Something flashes over Liz’s face. “I suppose I can’t make you do anything—it’s not like I’m your mother.”

Joui wishes she had hit him instead. He tries to say something else and can’t manage it.

He thinks she wants to say something else too. She pauses as she walks away, looks back—but she leaves anyway.

#rabbit writes #ordem paranormal #opd #elizabeth webber #joui jouki #i just reread this and gave myself emotional damage so it’s going here now #(if you saw the previous version of this post apologies. i decided to format it differently and tumblr wasn’t letting me edit)#also! going to say that liz /does/ think of joui as hers. but also she thinks she’s a failure and terribly unfit for his respect #and terrified that she really /doesn’t/ know him anymore after all the lost time. she knows she went too far but how can she fix this?#and she succeeded in pushing him away. but only to a distance. he’ll never truly abandon her.#how can she expect him to stay out of danger when she’s putting herself in it?#anyway. i care a lot about them.

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