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secret-time-is-here · 5 years

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A galaxy of memories

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It all felt so real, but when he awoke, he couldn’t deny it was a dream- that or he finally remembered. Everything was so detailed, every pain he felt, every spark of joy, the wholesome feeling of being loved and cared for; only to have it break down into heartbreak and pain at every supposedly heart-filled action.

Each time you’re kissed but you knew that same mouth had kissed someone else before and would kiss someone else after you. Each time you’re hugged and told the joyous words of “I love you” only to reply to them in your head “No you don’t.” But you can’t help but have your heart swoon and go for another round on the roller coaster of love with the cheating bastard.

You miss when they go out with friends and feel jealous of every person they give just a speck of too much attention to, love when they focus all their love and admiration on you, enjoy every moment you two are alone. It felt so real! But they’re only painful memories.

He finally understood why Ink flinched whenever he casually tossed a nickname- he had repurposed every single one into something heartfelt and teasing. He had done the little things for him, some days his partner would could home late, and be welcomed to a warm house and bed with a movie and snacks waiting for him. His lover also waiting and willing to let him cuddle into him and fall asleep on top of him.

The days where his partner had little off things about him, and he would know just what to do in that exact moment to make him feel better. The nights were dreams haunted instead of relaxed, and he would stay up with his lover with warm milk and talk about what caused the dream. The outings where he could make the other happy with the smallest gesture, grabbing a hand, a short but tight hug, a reminder of care.

He knew why he was a betrayer, he knew what he gave up to be accepted. He knew what had happened, and why the bad guys now acted so weird around them, it was hard breaking things off- but they somehow did it peacefully. They never even spoke again after that day.

He knew why Ink wasn’t allowed back in OuterTale, why the multiverse hated him. He remembers the day clearly now, how he yelled it out so loud that planets light-years away probably heard. He remembered that he did make that scarf for Outer, and how he yelled out his hatred before going into a coma-like reboot.

He still didn’t fully understand why Ink did what he did, even when he knew the reasoning behind it, but, the underlying hatred still burned bright. Stars are bright orbs of fire, after all, it just turns out he used to run on joy instead of anger.

He now remembered why exactly Outer didn’t expect him to be in his usual spot. It hurt just thinking about going back there alone- and remembering what Ink told him about proposing there, it hurt even more knowing what he had lost, but it was for the better.

He remembered all the times with Papyrus and Blue now, and even the birthday party, dear Asgore, how could he not even remember what a birthday was? He now knew why Dream really was so anxious, he didn’t really want to cheat or anything, but it still happened. He got pulled into the roller coaster of love for the first time in his 500 years of life, and it was extremely addicting, even if the voice in the back of his head was always arguing against it.

Everything made sense- and honestly, he wanted to just get out of AntiVoid already. He needed a shower- and was really hungry. How had he been living like this again for the past months? He left so gross.

He wanted to talk with Ink- but he needed to take care of himself first.

-----

“Ink? Are you in there?” Error asked, knocking on the door of the house in the doodle sphere, it brought back a lot of memories, but he could hold them back for now.

It felt like he waited for some time before door slowly opened and showed a tired and baggy-eyed Ink, Error would have scolded him for not taking care of himself and dragged him back upstairs to the shower if it weren’t for the situation, or he may just still do that- his mind was at a crossroads right now. Ink’s tired and dull gray eyes looked at Error for a second before registering who he was and upon realization, he hastily straightened his slouching posture and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“S-sorry, ru- ...Error. I wasn’t expecting you- or any company for that matter.” Ink finally spoke, his voice grouchy and ruff, like the vocals, were just waking up or hadn’t had any water in a while. Almost like a frog in his throat.

“Did you forget to take care of yourself again?” Error sighed, old habits taking over. “I swear Ink- but then again, I shouldn’t have come on such short notice... Can we talk?” Error asked patiently, remembering and knowing that Ink’s tired mind can take minutes to answer even the simplest of questions.

Ink was taken back by the behavior he knew so well, stood silently before nodding and backing away to give the destroyer room to walk into the abode. Not a thing was out of place from what Error last remembered, nothing rearranged like Ink often did, everything looked like it had been paused in time. Even the few photos that were crooked the day he left weren’t fixed, they were all at the own odd angles, looking straight from one perspective- but extremely off from another.

Quietly, Error sat down at an armchair, and Ink sat in another, neither wanting to be on the couch next to them. Too many memories, bad memories that made the good feel like a fairy tale that never happened or shouldn’t have happened.

“How much have you let yourself go since my reboot?” Error asked hesitantly, hinting at Ink that he know remembered everything.

“...A lot. The only thing I manage to do is keep the house the same and protect the Aus to the best of my ability.” Ink answered, taking a bit to do so since he had to search his scrambled, scattered, and currently tired mind for the correct answers. Error sighed, expecting that answer but not wanting to hear it.

“You really can’t take care of yourself without my help, can you?” Ink looked away, “Am I the first to check on you since everything?” Ink silently nodded, “Alright, seems like I’m just going to have to make sure you do then.”

“Wait... what?” Ink asked, confused, his tired but scattered mind unable to grasp exactly what Error meant.

“I’ll come by several times a day to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. You need a life just like I do, even I’m trying to break my habits. I remember and know that everything isn’t exactly… good between us- but I’m not letting you die off because you can’t figure how to care of yourself. You retaught me, now it’s my turn to reteach you.” Error explained, dragging Ink off to a bathroom to help him get cleaned up.

Ink’s eyes dramatically widened and awoke to hear that Error now remembered, but then shrunk again. Knowing well that nothing was good between them and definitely wouldn’t be for a while.

Turning on the bath and grabbing a towel as well as clothes for Ink, Error left him alone so he could go make some food for them. Thankfully he remembered learning how to cook while he was with Ink. Simple pancakes would do.

Time seemed to speed by as he made enough pancakes for two, only making about 8 or so in total, considering that both of them haven’t eaten anything in a while.

“Why...?” Ink’s voice carried over to him from the doorway, properly dressed and looking cleaner and much better than earlier.

“Because you taught me to care and take care, even when you don’t like or care about them. As long as they’re alive, they can help another life.”

-----

“So you remember-” Blue repeated,

“Yes,” Error clarified,

“And you know what he did-” Outer recounted,

“Yes,” Error said again,

“And you’re still helping him despite-”

“For the final time yes!” Error cut off, slightly pissed, for a while- these guys knew him better than he knew himself. Why couldn’t they understand this simple thing? “I’m not going to stop caring like he did, I’m sticking around long enough so he can get used to taking care of himself and then I’m going to find a proper place to live-” he explained, crossing his arms defensively.

“The AntiVoid just doesn’t work anymore?” Outer guessed, knowing well that they had tried arguing this point to him for years before the destroyer started dating Ink and finally accepted a normal life. Error nodded, “If it helps, I know of some open houses in OuterTale. Not in the city of course- but more in the outer parts of Stardin.” Outer offered, also knowing well that Error was not a city person.

Error, considering that his home for the longest time had been a place of absolute silence and quiet, would most likely never be able to get used to the loud noises of the city. That and also remembering the Outertale is a hot spot for the multiverse and many go there, he was sure to run into some enemies there. Especially considering he’s gone back to destroying now.

Outer was still unsure to how he was able to tolerate Error’s destroying again- but at the same time, he does. Error, after they became best friends, had explained to Blue and him why he destroyed. The truth was it was his way fo getting back at the multiverse for hating him and outcasting him, apparently, he visited Aus before he became a destroyer, and they all outcasted him. Calling him things life reject and mistake.

Outer could remember the dry humor in his best friend voice, saying that “They weren’t wrong. I’m an Error and a mistake that was never supposed to happen.” it hurt to hear those words, and it probably hurt the then ex destroyer to say that. Although, there was a positive to all his destroying.

He spoke of another reason to why he destroyed, Ink helped creators make copy after copy of the same idea- just slightly altered. Copies were never noticed and just cluttered up the multiverse, if they were to get out of hand, it would make it a struggle just to travel to the universe next to yours. His job wasn’t to destroy, it was to clean the old and make room for the new. Without him, Ink wouldn’t be able to help the Aus at all, and wouldn’t even be able to find their paper in the mess and chaos of his doodle sphere.

As far as he knew, however, he blue and the Bad guys were the only ones to hear of the truth behind Error’s destroying; Error believing that no one else would listen to him. That and he didn’t want to discuss his past when he was hated and disliked by almost all. Only being trusted and tolerated by Nightmare’s group, and even then, he was mostly alone.

“That’d be a big help, thank you, Outer.” Error spoke, his soft tone reinstating and a dusting of a blue blush on his dark cheeks bones. It was nice to hear the destroyer so soft-spoken again, the soft voice close to never glitching, and almost like a lullaby. Calming even the most ferocious of monsters.

“Um, I know I shouldn’t really be asking this- but… How is Ink?” Blue asked hesitantly, still caring about the protector despite everything, understanding Error’s reasoning behind his actions.

“Well, from what I can tell, he's having trouble doing anything. His motivation day to day was being loved by the multiverse and being able to help it- but now, since Dream’s taken over most of those duties and he isn’t loved by the multiverse anymore, he doesn’t have any drive. Ink just doesn’t know what to do with his days and mostly had fallen into a depressive state in all honesty.” Error explained, knowing the artist well and being able to explain the actions of him.

Truth be told, there was always an underlying depression inside the protector, being soulless it’s hard for him to love himself, being able to help others was what kept him going. Error had caught onto this quickly while he had been with Ink, and even gotten the confident skeleton to admit to it, so slowly, they had helped him get better.

The small gestures were to help Ink, someone wouldn’t take the protection and effort he gave for granted, someone who would care more than anyone else- what error didn’t expect is to be taken granted for instead. Although, Ink got what was waiting for him. Without the positive aura of Dream, he couldn’t push back all the sadness he secretly held, and without Error, he couldn’t cope.

The loved skeleton broke down, the guilt and depression finally starting to eat away at him. Error’s back to help, but he won’t be for long. All the destroyer has to do is give the guardian a sense of purpose again and make sure he remembers to take care of himself. How did Error know all of this? He had gone through the same thing himself, he was just alone instead. Rely on no one and no one will on you, let others rely on you and you can rely on them. Help others and you learn to help yourself.

“It’s going to take some time, but soon- hopefully- he can be himself again.” Error concluded, knowing it would take some time- and that it takes even longer alone- but it would be successful eventually.

“Are you going to cut all ties afterward?” Outer asked, hoping wit all his might for a yes. Ink was toxic for Error, at least from his perspective, and wouldn’t help the other move on and live his life.

“Not entirely, but for the most part, yes. I’m the only person he has now, the least I can do is be there when he needs me-”

“But what do you need?” Blue cut off, knowing that the errored tended to think of other’s well being instead of his own, “It’s not selfish if you want to cut off ties with Ink, after all, I can always check on him for you.”

“...That’d be greatly appreciated.” Error sighed, smiling brightly, showing off a smile that could light up the multiverse in a minute.

-----

“So what are you going to do now?” Nightmare asked, waiting as patiently as everyone else.

“I’m planning on being a Neutral. I’m only destroying the extra copies, I’m not helping your side- but I’m not helping Blue, Dream, or Ink either.” Error answered, sitting calmly. He had come back to the mansion after such a long period of absence to explain himself and tell his friends of what he remembered and what he was going to do.

All of them were sitting in the living room, each in their own respective spots as they talked over everything. Some moments had been filled with arguments while others were bad comedy quiet, but they were working on it.

“So you finally realized it yourself?” Cross asked humorously, laughing aloud. Error felt only compelled to ask exactly what he had apparently realized, “That you’re too nice for your own good?” Cross answered, smiling teasingly.

Error gave a confused look, to which the whole room erupted in story after story of him being nice one way or another. From helping them in a tough spot to individual attention and gifts.

“Error,” Nightmare finally spoke up, gaining the glitch’s attention, “You’ve been a star all along, you didn’t become one- you are one. We’ve known it for years and now the rest of the multiverse knows. That’s why we’re all one your side.”

Dream and Nightmare belong to @jokublog

Outer belongs to @outertale

Cross belongs to @jakei95

Ink belongs to @comyet

Error belongs to @loverofpiggies

Blue belongs to the undertale communtiy

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wildflower8281 · 6 years

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15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Leaving the Servidoras

After my grand letter to all of the sisters and superiors of the order back in 2015 (http://www.iveinfo.org/2016/03/letter-from-ex-ssvm-superior.html ,) I never really thought I would be writing to any group or former group of the institute again. However, due to the considerable amount of what I call “post-convent deprogramming” I've done over the years with former servidoras, (literally to this week!) I've felt moved to write again because it's just so noteworthy how so many women have experienced similar types of situations, both inside the convent and once they have left. The number of women I have helped in this province (about 15) is very small compared to the actual number who have left the convent in this province (50+ easy.) As you'll read below, it's often very difficult to reconnect or find former sisters once you have left. That number does not include the dozens of parents & friends of sisters or seminarians who have also reached out with questions and concerns from my original letter. What I wrote in that letter hits such a cord because it’s all true. It’s pretty simple. And folks find solace and relief when their concerns are stated aloud and their questions answered by an insider.

I've been home from the convent now for over 5 years and in that short time I have personally connected with at least 15 other women who have left the Servants of the Lord in this province and helped them to transition and de-program. All but one of these women were younger than me in religious life & were there fewer years than myself. (I was in almost 8 years, longer than most!) In some way, I feel a responsibility to help confirm their concerns and shake out the programming, and I actually enjoy re-connecting and holding that space for them. So many have expressed huge relief at being able to share stuff they've never told anyone or get confirmation on things they had a hunch were not ok, that happened inside. I'm speaking mostly about cult-like programming, behavior & manipulation, although sexual scandal is not foreign to the institute either (male and female branches, founder, all of it.)

For those of you who don't know or have never read anything else I've written about convent life, my general opinion is that while we learned a lot of transferable skills & traveled to interesting places during our time with the ssvm, I do believe it functions as a religious cult. The order exhibits behaviors and mental programming that you will find across the board and any other type of cults (I don’t say this lightly. They check out - https://culteducation.com/warningsigns.html) Thus, the transition out of the order can be arduous, especially when it comes to learning how to de-program mentally. In the order, the programming is deceivingly wrapped up in sparkling divine concepts and holy ideals, so deprogramming often means rejecting even what once were tightly held spiritual beliefs, close to our hearts & identities. They play a tight game and they play to win.

So here goes: 15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Leaving the Servidoras

It’s long. All my posts are long. Each theme could easily be it’s own separate blog post. So, don’t think of it as a blog. Think of it as chapters in a book & enjoy! As always, thank you for reading & I’m happy to engage about any of these topics!

About You:

What’s the Schedule for This? There is no right way to do this – it’s messy and that is one of the best lessons! While most things in the convent and in the church were black & white, this journey is not! It’s not linear and it looks different for each person. There is no life timeline you need to be on & you’re not “behind” everyone else. You are on your life path that is exquisitely perfect for you. Enjoy it. Take your time. Breathe. Observe. Be grateful that you lived a few years in a really unique, really rare way. There is no rush to get anywhere – you don’t have to hop into a huge career, you don’t have to get a degree, you don’t have to date or get married (ever,) buy a car or a house or get credit cards. What you label as a “transition period” in your life is actually just your life and as rich, important and meaningful as any other time, so take it in. Enjoy. Relax. Allow the new energy to settle into your cells. It’s all good, new and rejuvenating for you. It’s your life’s journey, just like everyone else’s. It winds, has hills and valleys, moments of clarity and joy, and moments of confusion. All of this is ok, healthy and normal. Embrace your unique journey. You are exactly where you are meant to be.

Rest! In the convent, we never stopped. The schedule was full from morning till bedtime and having open, unstructured time was looked upon suspiciously. It will take some time to adjust to a slower, more open pace of life. It will feel uncomfortable! Rest includes sleep and leisure. Know that it's okay to get a full 8 hours of sleep or more, it's okay to sleep in and it's okay to go to bed early. Our bodies recover mentally and physically while we sleep, so getting plenty and quality sleep is crucial to feeling bright and ready for the next day. (Applicable to any human, not just former nuns!) Leisure is the second part of rest and it's going to feel really uncomfortable to have unstructured free time. Know that it's okay to lounge, take walks, doodle, read, people watch and even watch TV or listen to music! None of it is a sin, you won’t be wasting time. You have not had real mental or physical rest in a long time and your nervous system is probably still in stress mode – cortisol all over the fucking place! It takes a few months of settling into a slower pace of life for your body to breathe and relax. My best teacher in this area was nature. The pace and vibration of the forest, the flowers and the ocean helped my nervous system to adjust. So, bottom line is slow the fuck down and enjoy it! Your body will thank you, I promise!

Clothes? This may not be true for everyone, but my first experiences with shopping for clothes it was really difficult & triggering. After so many years of ignoring our bodies and our figures,and generally relating them to sin or negative programming, it was hard for me to feel comfortable in clothes that were more fitted or generally to give positive attention to my female figure. It was hard for me to look in the mirror and see my curves. It was very uncomfortable. I got a teaching job quickly, so I had to find work appropriate clothing. For the first few months I definitely wore turtlenecks and khakis! I have photos to prove! It's okay to feel like a fish out of water while clothes shopping (among other socially normal activities!) Learning to love and be comfortable with your body is a deeply personal journey. What ended up helping me eventually was discovering yoga and, again, being in nature. I've written about both on my blog, as well as my body journey in various posts there (http://wildflower8281.tumblr.com/archive.) Just know it's okay to cry and feel uncomfortable. The best thing you can do in those moments is feel your feelings, be with yourself and go shopping another day if you need to. The struggle and process is very, very real and there is no timeline.

Your True Fam. Find your friends from the convent who also have left, reconnect with girls in your class and share. There are things that only former ssvm will understand. Let’s be honest – we were in a cult together. While friends and family may listen and be empathetic, they have not actually lived the life with you. Only your former sisters have and there are things only they will understand. So, if you are itching to question or share something, and you wonder if others have also experienced this – find your girls and talk with them. Many former ssvm have shared with me that the fb group has been so helpful to reconnect with girls in their class. Also, the international FB group has also allowed girls to find friends they missioned with across the world or studied in Italy with. Re-connect and share. This is healing and often times fun! Granted some former ssvm are still die-hard fans of the order, so those people have left the group or have no intention of sharing. That’s ok. It’s their journey. The groups are here for those who want to use them.

Job/Career. I know at first it seems like you are behind or you don't have a lot of what the world sees as a ‘work experience,’ but in reality, the arduous, missionary life that we lived for those years was chock full of tons of skill-learning and adapting to different circumstances all the time. You have a zillion transferable skills!!! So, while you may not have a certain degree or career label, in most cases you can take what you've learned in the convent and make it apply to a job you are after. You have experience teaching, working with youth, cooking for large groups, event planning, musical experience, admin & organizational skills, planning trips, retreats & camps, customer service, camping skills, sports, communication, editing and blogging and in many of these cases you can also do these things in Spanish! You learn to be a jack-of-all-trades, the longer you are there, so your years there are definitely not wasted by any means. So get those negative ideas out of your head and know that you actually have a very rich, varied experience, in many cases more so than most others who may be have been in one job for the past 2-3 years or who spent those years in classrooms.

My advice would be to tailor your resumes and cover letters to the specific job you are after. This may mean making it very obvious that you spent time in the convent as a Catholic missionary. Sometimes it really helps to drop #nunlife for a specific job, and sometimes it may be wiser to just say you were a missionary. Use your judgement (new concept, I know!) It may mean making it less obvious that you spent those years in a catholic institution.

When I have applied for more secular jobs, I have listed the institute by the male branch name and just labeled it as missionary or youth minister. Learn to be savvy with the skills you list under that time as well: when I applied for the bookstore, I listed my years working with the IVE press, writing book reviews, translating and editing. I omitted that when I applied for the juice bar, and instead listed the event planning that I had experienced in. Learn to be savvy & a master of wielding words!

Take a Breather from the Church. It’s ok to take a breather from all things catholic & all things church. This of course is up to each person but if you feel the need to lay down some Catholic habits, rituals, anything we did in the convent or church life for a while, just to step back and breathe a little, know that that is totally okay! Many of us came from super catholic cultures, whether that was university or family culture and then we spent various years in an even more extreme version of orthodox, traditional catholic culture. The religious family is truly a catholic cult and lives on the extreme end of all things catholic. So, if you find yourself wanting to let go of a lot of the daily or weekly prayer habits, rituals, rules, etc., know that it's fine to do that and your spirit is probably asking for it. Living in the convent is like a sponge being totally saturated with the color blue. At first we love blue and we want to soak up all and everything of that color! But, when the novelty wears off, some of us never want to see blue again. So give yourself time to rinse off all of the blue, squeeze it out, dry off and breathe a little. You were saturated and soaked in one dense color for many years. It’s ok if you don’t want to see, think or breathe blue for awhile!

When I first came home,

I literally stopped praying the office from day one, but I continued to go to daily mass and pray the rosary, as they were at first comforting rituals for me. But little by little I began to drop even those things and found my own way of relating to God and found a lot of comfort in being in nature. I know that I am an anomaly in this, but I actually have completely left the church and christianity at this point. Not in any formal way, except that I don’t buy into it anymore and have no desire to be a part of any organized religion ever really. Nature and my body/spirit are enough for me. Most girls who leave actually remain practicing catholics, which I always find fascinating!

Bottom line, just know that if you miss mass for a months, or you stop praying the rosary, or you stop going to confession, that everything is going to be okay! Those things are all simply rituals and structures that the church has created for people to feel a part of their Institution. If you still consider yourself christian or catholic, that's fine and great, but know that you can still take a breather or a break to really examine your heart and your own spirituality, and relationship to God. It’s very much like going through a breakup. You were in a relationship for various years, one that consumed your life. It proved to be pretty toxic, so you ended it. A healthy person in this case would take space, time to heal, reset, explore life and self. Same idea, friend, same idea.

And, for the record, even though I gradually left the church and christianity, I have never once felt abandoned by ‘god’ or that my link to the Creator has ever been severed. I still consider myself a beloved daughter of the Creator, I still feel divinely linked to all of nature and very much cared for by the Universe. This also comes with developing a sense of love for self and a deep trust knowing that the universe, or God, or the Creator, will take care of you. That’s some deep inner shit that needs to be worked out in order to get there, but it’s well worth it! So, I'm here to give you permission to take a leave of absence from All Things Catholic, if your spirit is asking for it.

Dating! This definitely deserves it’s own blog post. (Disclaimer: I only have the experience of dating men, so this post is specifically regarding that. However, I know of women who have left who prefer women. I can’t speak to that process myself, but I applaud it!) Learning to mingle and get to know men is definitely a sensitive and very personal topic for each. It also depends on how much dating experience you had prior to the convent. But, if you do anything in this post, do this: Get to know yourself first before jumping into dating. For the past few years, your identity has been wrapped up in ‘sister’ and in ssvm culture. Who are you outside of that label and that name? Who are you outside of that lifestyle? If you can't confidently answer those questions, it's not really time to merge yourself with another in a romantic relationship. Do the work of finding & creating the new version of yourself out here before getting lost in someone else. (Again, applicable to all humans. Mature, healthy people do not ‘get lost’ in someone else. They have their own identities and lives, and just share life together.)

If, however, you have found yourself, love yourself and feel ready to engage with guys, then I say go for it! Mingle, have coffee, do online dating, whatever is your pace. Just be completely yourself and know your boundaries. They will be different for everyone. They do not have to be what the church says. They only have to be what your heart and your body say. It's a great realm to learn how to listen to your gut and follow your intuition.

I have learned that I really thrive in relationships and am grateful for each experience of them. They are amazing portals of self-growth and heart expansion. I would also say to keep your standards high and be very picky! You are worth a guys full attention and total respect. Anything less, drop it like it’s hot. lol.

Lastly and of extreme importance, educate yourself on STD’s and be fierce about honoring your body. It’s actually an awesome litmus test to decipher the men vs. the boys, te vas a ver.

Sharing Your Past. It’s up to you when you share your convent life with new friends. A lot of girls ask this question and my answer is really that it’s up to you. No one needs to know your past, but at the same time anyone who is a true friend will want to know and be able to hold that space for you. And, depending on how long you were in, it’s probably something you refer to often, so eventually it’s convenient if your close friends know, so you can be free to reference convent life as you need to. It’s good practice for learning to listen to your intuition – you tell people when and if it feels right for you. The further away I have gotten from my time in the convent, the earlier I’ve told people about it. But that’s just me. In the beginning, I still had in my head that it was kinda scandalous or bad, so I wouldn’t share it right away. I was a teacher for 4 years and only boss knew. (I didn’t want all the questions from other teachers and definitely not from all 300+ children!) I worked in a juice bar for 6 months and only told 1 co-worker. For me, it just depended on the level of closeness I would have with people. Here in AZ, it took me only 1 month of working at the Art Center to tell my co-workers, and only a few months to tell my yoga friends. More recently, the man I dated for a few months earlier this year knew before we even met in person! And he was utterly intrigued and fascinated by it! I have found the most people find it curious and interesting that we even entered the convent, but more than that – they find it brave and inspiring that we left. You will see! Just wait for it. Now, I’ll drop it whenever and I drop it much quicker than before. It takes time. But, definitely be discerning and be ready for the questions – or tell people that you’d rather not answer questions at this point. You make the rules now, Lady!

Books & Culture! One of the best things I can encourage you to do is get a library card and go wander your library for a few hours! Enjoy the freedom of looking and reading any books you want to and learn to do this frequently. In the convent, as you know, the books were only ever about catholic stuff. There was nothing else to read and we were not exposed to any other types of thought. Even if all you do is pick up some fiction stories or poetry or biographies of interesting people, go to your library, follow your curiosity and read a shit-ton! I still do this today and it is one of my foremost means of learning and leisure!

Secondly just go and do cultural things in your town or city! Whether that means wandering downtown, visiting cafes or museums, going to art installations or dance festivals, take in culture other than catholic culture! You have been saturated in only one culture from morning to night for the past however many years. You have lived and breathed only Kool-Aide (if I may) for all those years. There are other things to see and other ways to live, and it's fascinating to witness and learn about them.

About Them:

They won’t connect you to other former sisters. I have heard this from girls who have left who have asked about me specifically. I also have personally asked the superiors who I knew and lived with to share my information with girls who are leaving. It just doesn’t happen. One girl wrote me, “I asked Mother Mercy about you and I was brushed off.” This was just a few months ago! Mother Mercy was my provincial superior for most of my 8 years, and my direct superior for 3 when I was in Harlem. I was only ever transparent and helpful to her and the entire province. Now, they think because I wrote a letter that exposes some brokenness, that I am the Anti-Christ or something. Which to me is just awesome and hilarious. Anyway, they will not in any way share contacts of former sisters with you on your way out. You will only have their religious names, maybe their civil names if you knew them that well and you will have to navigate social media on your own to find them. Some girls don’t want to be found & that’s ok. So, if you know girls who are thinking of leaving, send them your info so they have it before they leave! Tell them about the FB group, send them my email address or name on FB. Despite my real efforts to build such a bridge – conversations & letters – the ssvm superiors will not support this in a public or private way. I’ve asked Sacred Heart in person and I’ve written to the superiors about this – why not create this bridge, share info, make the transition easier for those who leave? There is no response. So, until then: can’t stop, won’t stop. I just keep doing this work, one soul, one post at a time.

They will continue to ask for donations and financial support. The Institute has an embarrassing culture around begging and asking for donations. If you or your contacts gave donations in the past, know that the sisters will continue to reach out and ask, in some cases to the point of being really rude or insanely persistent. One former sister had to change her phone number because the sisters would not stop calling her or her family in order to obtain what used to be a regular donation to her mission. Money and gifts are a powerful energetic cord, so if you want to detach from the Institute in all ways, it is wise to cut off donations and gifts to them. They do not have a healthy culture surrounding that and, let's be honest, neither does the church at large.

Your money is better used to invest in yourself at this point - take some art classes, find a yoga studio, learn to salsa dance! You are worth that money. Later down the road, find an awesome non-profit to donate to and make sure you know how they spend your money.

They will cut you off. Again, typical cult behaviors. The Institute does not have the bandwidth to allow anyone, including former members, to be in their circles unless they continue drinking the Kool-Aid. Once you diverge from them or if you challenge the way they live, ultimately you are likely to be shunned or cut off. I would vouch to say that most former sisters who are still in good standing with the order, are also still super catholic and supporters of the institute. For the majority who have left, however, usually that's it - unless we initiate contact and try to remain engaged with any of them, there is very little initiation of engagement from their end. Even though the constitutions say that those of us who have left are ‘still family and third order members,’ the actions do not echo these words and are quite contrary. If you ask the majority of sisters in this province, you will hear similar stories. So don't really expect friendships with sister's to continue for very long. Your lives will take very different directions - your mind and life experiences will expand and grow, you will evolve into new versions of yourself as time passes. Their life is basically on repeat eternally, maybe just in different settings. Your former sister-friends will be less and less interested in your new life, and you will be bored by her life that rarely ever grows or changes.

They will make you feel guilty or crazy. This is normal & is not about you. This definitely occurs in all of the cases. It seems to be part of the cult-like behavior. They go legit mental trying to keep their members and numbers up and any departure is like a grand failure and subsequent scandal – they make you feel guilty or crazy for wanting and requesting to leave. This is why they will suggest first that you go to the monastery, or to California, or to Italy to ‘rest and recover and pray.’ If, like myself and some others, you keep this decision to yourself until very near to the end (which I highly recommend,) your superiors will think you're having some kind of breakdown or making a rash and emotional decision. In many cases, including mine, they will drag it out and also make you jump through hoops in order to get the final okay to leave and actual date when you are able to walk out. My best advice in these moments is simply to listen to that little voice inside and continue to follow her. She is your true heart and will guide you with bravery and fortitude out of that place. I remember feeling like my conversations and steps leading out of the convent were some of my bravest moments, when I really learned to use my voice and speak for myself for the first time in many, many years. It was something very foreign to me, but it also felt like I was being true to myself for the first time in a long time.

Know that you are not crazy, you are not going to lose God's favor, go to hell or anything like that. All of that is cult and brainwash talk that the church and the institute use to convince people to stay. It's emotional abuse and manipulation. It is cult work at it’s best. There are various ways to shut this down mentally, but might I suggest simply repeating, "Fuck you, I'm leaving” and continue returning to that mantra in your mind, until you actually are out the door!

Your spiritual director will never suggest actually leaving religious life. This one is so tricky! He will aid you and discuss it with you, but you have to be the initiator of that conversation. We are programmed to basically do whatever they tell us and to utterly mis-trust our own inner guidance system. They are programmed (it seems) to never suggest leaving and so sisters (like myself) can go on for various years with "miserable" being our daily set point and the SD will still not suggest leaving.

For what it's worth - I had an amazing SD! I was lucky to have him throughout my entire religious life, from start to finish (almost 8 years.) This is very rare. He knew me up and down, I was utterly transparent with him about everything. And yet, even he did not suggest that I consider leaving, ever. When I finally came to the decision, I called him and said, "Padre, I think my time here is up. I think it's time for me to go home." From there, he did help facilitate and guide me, but the initiative had to come from me. I mean, I understand this somewhat - they don't want someone who left to say "Father suggested I leave" - that also sounds like it could get someone in trouble, but hell - if we are basically following their suggestions for everything else, why is it so wrong to suggest at least considering leaving?! It's not! It should be done more often and made a more mainstream thing! Dozens of men and women leave the order every year! (More probably should!) But, just know it has to come from you.

They have programmed you. Best for Last! Woot! Just learn not to fucking listen anymore! This is one of the longest lasting effects and struggles post-convent. Their mental & emotional game is terrifyingly strong. They play hard and they play to win. You have been programmed to think, believe, speak and feel like them. Realize this and sit with it for a good long while. The more docile your temperament and the longer you were in, the more deeply that programming was laid inside of you. I was the perfect specimen, so I speak from experience.

You will hear the voices in your head saying you can't spend that money, or you shouldn’t eat that snack, or you need to ask to take a break. Learning to ignore those voices and give yourself all the permissions is one of the best tactics for overcoming a lot of the mental game. You will feel that you can't do anything during your free time without asking, you will feel you need to ask in order to make plans with new friends, in order to talk to guys, in order to purchase items or to sleep in as long as you want. You will hear those voices a lot in all aspects of your life, so prepare yourself to get really good at ignoring them! Like really fucking good.

I’ve been out for over 5 years and still ask permission for things at work. Literally this week! My supervisor knows my past and is constantly empowering me to make my own judgement calls for things that fall within my scope. I’m 36, 5 years out, done the work & this shit still haunts me sometimes.

I consciously stopped using words like providence, providential, generous, blessed, god and all the lingo years ago. I just stopped cold and never looked back. We all know if you sat down to a bunch of servidoras not in habit, you would know immediately by the way they spoke that they were ssvm. You can’t deny it. #cultlife

So, get really comfy with just giving yourself all the permissions for a good long time! Do whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want and with whomever you want! Shake it all out of your system and know that now, you are now the guiding force in your life!

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iturbide · 6 years

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How long hv u been drawing? Ur art looks rly nice! Esp ur grasp on anatomy! What r ur most fave and least fave things to draw?

Also, when and how did u start writing?

I’m going to answer both of these together because the answers are actually directly related

I know that I did little bits and pieces of art and writing when I was a kid, through grade school, etc. mostly as little things for assignments and the like…but I really got started with art and writing both when I was in middle school, and it’s all because of Pokemon.

To date myself horribly, Pokemon Red and Blue came out in the US when I was in 5th grade (I was about 11 the first time I encountered it and the irony that I started as a trainer around the age you do in the actual game). I wound up getting my first copy of Blue in the summer before I started middle school on a family trip, and really got into it. I watched the anime, learned the card game (I still have a complete collection of all the early sets) and eventually found the manga series they were starting to bring stateside – and I really fell in love with Pokemon Special (branded as Adventures in the initial printing).

Pokemon Special was pretty much my gateway for me. It got me started collecting manga, it was how I started watching more anime, but most importantly, it was where I started developing real stories. I had my Baby’s First OCs thanks to Special, and I loved Mato’s art style so much in those first seven volumes (they didn’t localize Gold/Silver in the first run) that I basically taught myself to draw by emulating that. I honestly don’t think I’ve managed to shake the influence, either. =v=; But it was just such lively and expressive art while remaining fairly simple (and there were so many great hands) and I really wanted to be able to do that, too; I never outright traced the drawings, but I took several of my favorite images from the books and drew side-by-side versions a lot.

Once I started branching out, I used it mostly for drawing my OCs that I was starting to write stories about. I managed to drag my friends into Pokemon and Special with me, and we all got really into the stories and characters and it was our first real taste of writing fanfiction. At first we just shared the stories between ourselves, but eventually I stumbled onto the world of online fic and started reading things there and uploading my own works, starting with Pokemon but eventually branching out into other things like Ace Attorney (which is still near and dear to my heart don’t even get me started).

I went through a rough patch at university and stopped sharing fics and eventually even stopped writing entirely, and my art suffered similarly; I would go years without doing anything, then decide I wanted to try and start a New Year’s challenge, go a few months, and then fall out of the habit (though I did pretty well in the past few years, I made it to August more or less) and not draw at all for months or even years. But then I stumbled onto Awakening and after playing it once I Knew there was a story I wanted to tell…so I mustered up my courage, got an AO3, and started writing Future Built.

Long story short I’ve been drawing and writing both for more or less half my life at this point and it makes me so happy to do it ;v; Writing is a joy to me, and I love being able to use art for story development since my imagination has always been very visual: even when I’m writing a story, I’m basically describing the movie that plays in my head. I’m really glad you think my art looks nice though ;v; ~

Without a doubt my favorite thing to draw are hands (if I were Henry I’d have said hands down but then someone would punch me for it). I love drawing hands so much – when I was in high school I would pose my hands and doodle them in the margins of my books when I was bored in lit classes). Least favorite thing to draw are mechanical anythings because details are the bane of my existence. I’m not a fan of drawing inorganic stuff generally (despite loving sci-fi and mech stuff…I just can’t draw it haha ;v;) but details are a real challenge for me and something I really should work on at some point.

And there you have my long-winded answer on my history of art and writing

#answered #mere-echoes-of-the-spring #i've been writing and drawing for a long time #and there's still room to improve #but that's what my new year's challenge is for!#ps i'm so excited for more weird!robin au i keep excitedly checking my dash

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thecaffeinebookwarrior · 7 years

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How to Write a Novel: Tips For Visual Thinkers.

1. Plotting is your friend.

This is basically a must for all writers (or at least, it makes our job significantly easier/less time consuming/less likely to make us want to rip our hair out by the roots), but visual thinkers tend to be great at plotting. There’s something about a visible outline that can be inexplicably pleasing to us, and there are so many great ways to go about it. Here are a few examples:

The Three-Act Structure

This one is one of the simplest: it’s divided into the tried-and-true three acts, or parts, a la William Shakespeare, and includes a basic synopsis of what happens in each. It’s simple, it’s familiar, it’s easy to add to, and it get’s the job done.

It starts with Act I -- i.e. the set-up, or establishing the status quo -- which is usually best if it’s the shortest act, as it tends to bore audiences quickly. This leads to Act II, typically the longest, which introduces the disruptor and shows how characters deal with it, and is sandwiched by Act III (the resolution.)

The Chapter-by-Chapter

This is the one I use the most. It allows you to elucidate on the goings on of your novel in greater detail than the quintessential three act synopsis generally could, fully mapping out your manuscript one chapter at a time. The descriptions can be as simple or as elaborate as you need them to be, and can be added to or edited throughout the progression of your novel.

Can easily be added to/combined with the three-act structure.

The Character Arc(s)

This isn’t one that I’ve used a lot, but it can be a lot of fun, particularly for voice-driven/literary works: instead on focusing on the events of the plot, this one centralizes predominantly around the arc of your main character/characters. As with its plot-driven predecessors, it can be in point-by-point/chapter-by-chapter format, and is a great way to map out character development.

The Tent Moments

By “tent moments,” I mean the moments that hold up the foundation (i.e. the plot) of the novel, in the way that poles and wires hold up a tent. This one builds off of the most prevalent moments of the novel -- the one’s you’re righting the story around -- and is great for writers that want to cut straight to the action. Write them out in bullet points, and plan the rest of the novel around them.

The Mind Map

This one’s a lot of fun, and as an artist, I should probably start to use it more. It allows you to plot out your novel the way you would a family tree, using doodles, illustrations, and symbols to your heart’s content. Here’s a link to how to create basic mind maps on YouTube.

2. “Show don’t tell” is probably your strong suit.

If you’re a visual thinker, your scenes are probably at least partially originally construed as movie scenes in your head. This can be a good thing, so long as you can harness a little of that mental cinematography and make your readers visualize the scenes the way you do.

A lot of published authors have a real big problem with giving laundry lists of character traits rather than allowing me to just see for myself. Maybe I’m spoiled by the admittedly copious amounts of fanfiction I indulge in, where the writer blissfully assumes that I know the characters already and let’s the personalities and visuals do the talking. Either way, the pervasive “telling” approach does get tedious.

Here’s a hypothetical example. Let’s say you wanted to describe a big, tough, scary guy, who your main character is afraid of. The “tell” approach might go something like this:

Tommy was walking along when he was approached by a big, tough, scary guy who looked sort of angry.

“Hey, kid,” said the guy. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to a friend’s house,” Tommy replied.

I know, right? This is Boring with a capital ‘B.’

On the other hand, let’s check out the “show” approach:

The man lumbered towards Tommy, shaved head pink and glistening in the late afternoon sun. His beady eyes glinted predatorily beneath the thick, angry bushes of his brows.

“Hey, kid,” the man grunted, beefy arms folded over his pot belly. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to a friend’s house,” Tommy replied, hoping the man didn’t know that he was ditching school.

See how much better that is? We don’t need to be told the man is big, tough, and scary looking because the narrative shows us, and draws the reader a lot more in the process.

This goes for scene building, too. For example:

Exhibit A:

Tyrone stepped out onto his balcony. It was a beautiful night.

Lame.

Exhibit B:

Tyrone stepped out onto his balcony, looking up at the inky abyss of the night sky, dotted with countless stars and illuminated by the buttery white glow of the full moon.

Much better.

3. But conversely, know when to tell.

A book without any atmosphere or vivid, transformative descriptors tends to be, by and large, a dry and boring hunk of paper. That said, know when you’re showing the reader a little too much.

Too many descriptors will make your book overflow with purple prose, and likely become a pretentious read that no one wants to bother with.

So when do you “tell” instead of “show?” Well, for starters, when you’re transitioning from one scene to the next.

For example:

As the second hand of the clock sluggishly ticked along, the sky ever-so-slowly transitioning from cerulean, to lilac, to peachy sunset. Finally, it became inky black, the moon rising above the horizon and stars appearing by the time Lakisha got home.

These kind of transitions should be generally pretty immemorable, so if yours look like this you may want to revise.

Day turned into evening by the time Lakisha got home.

See? It’s that simple.

Another example is redundant descriptions: if you show the fudge out of a character when he/she/they are first introduced and create an impression that sticks with the reader, you probably don’t have to do it again.

You can emphasize features that stand out about the character (i.e. Milo’s huge, owline eyes illuminated eerily in the dark) but the reader probably doesn’t need a laundry list of the character’s physical attributes every other sentence. Just call the character by name, and for God’s sake, stay away from epithets: the blond man. The taller woman. The angel. Just, no. If the reader is aware of the character’s name, just say it, or rework the sentence.

All that said, it is important to instill a good mental image of your characters right off the bat.

Which brings us to my next point...

4. Master the art of character descriptions.

Visual thinkers tend to have a difficult time with character descriptions, because most of the time, they tend to envision their characters as played their favorite actors, or as looking like characters from their favorite movies or TV shows.

That’s why you’ll occasionally see characters popping up who are described as looking like, say, Chris Evans.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine, because A) what if the reader has never seen Chris Evans? Granted, they’d probably have to be living on Mars, but you get the picture: you don’t want your readers to have to Google the celebrity you’re thirsting after in order for them to envision your character. B) It’s just plain lazy, and C) virtually everyone will know that the reason you made this character look like Chris Evans is because you want to bang Chris Evans.

Not that that’s bad or anything, but is that really what you want to be remembered for?

Now, I’m not saying don’t envision your characters as famous attractive people -- hell, that’s one of the paramount joys of being a writer. But so’s describing people! Describing characters is a lot of fun, draws in the reader, and really brings your character to life.

So what’s the solution? If you want your character to look like Chris Evans, describe Chris Evans.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

Exhibit A:

The guy got out of the car to make sure Carlos was alright, and holy cow, he looked just like Dean Winchester!

No bueno. Besides the fact that I’m channeling the writing style of 50 Shades of Grey a little here, everyone who reads this is going to process that you’re basically writing Supernatural fanfiction. That, or they’ll have to Google who Dean Winchester is, which, again, is no good.

Exhibit B:

The guy got out of the car to make sure Carlos was alright, his short, caramel blond hair stirring in the chilly wind and a smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. His eyes were wide with concern, and as he approached, Carlos could see that they were gold-tinged, peridot green in the late afternoon sun.

Also note that I’m keeping the description a little vague here; I’m doing this for two reasons, the first of which being that, in general, you’re not going to want to describe your characters down to the last detail. Trust me. It’s boring, and your readers are much more likely to become enamored with a well-written personality than they are a vacant sex doll. Next, by keeping the description a little vague, I effectively manage to channel a Dean Winchester-esque character without literally writing about Dean Winchester.

Let’s try another example:

Exhibit A:

Charlotte’s boyfriend looked just like Idris Elba.

Exhibit B:

Charlotte’s boyfriend was a stunning man, eyes pensive pools of dark brown amber and a smile so perfect that it could make you think he was deliciously prejudiced in your favor. His skin was dark copper, textured black hair gray at the temples, and he filled out a suit like no other.

Okay, that one may have been because I just really wanted to describe Idris Elba, but you get the point: it’s more engaging for the reader to be able to imagine your character instead of mentally inserting some sexy fictional character or actor, however beloved they may be.

So don’t skimp on the descriptions!

5. Don’t be afraid to find inspiration in other media!

A lot of older people recommend ditching TV completely in order to improve creativity and become a better writer. Personally, if you’ll pardon my French, I think this is bombastic horseshit.

TV and cinema are artistic mediums the same way anything else is. Moreover, the sheer amount of fanart and fanfiction -- some of which is legitimately better than most published content -- is proof to me that you can derive inspiration from these mediums as much as anything else.

The trick is to watch media that inspires you. I’m not going to say “good media” because that, in and of itself, is subjective. I, for example, think Supernatural is a fucking masterpiece of intertextual postmodernism and amazing characterization, whereas someone else might think it’s a hot mess of campy special effects and rambling plotlines. Conversely, one of my best friends loves Twilight, both the movies and the books, which, I’m going to confess, I don’t get at all. But it doesn’t matter that it isn’t good to me so long as it’s good to her.

So watch what inspires you. Consume any whatever movies, books, and shows you’re enthusiastic about, figure out what you love most about them, and apply that to your writing. Chances are, readers will find your enthusiasm infectious.

As a disclaimer, this is not to say you get a free pass from reading: I’ve never met a good writer who didn’t read voraciously. If you’re concerned that you can’t fall in love with books the way you used to (which, sadly, is a common phenomenon) fear not: I grappled with that problem after I started college, and I’ll be posting an article shortly on how to fall back in love reading.

So in the meanwhile, be sure to follow my blog, and stay tuned for future content!

(This one goes out to my friend, beta reader, and fellow writer @megpieeee, who is a tremendous visual thinker and whose books will make amazing movies someday.)

#the author speaks #writing tips #writing #reference #plotting #outlining #character description #characters #show vs tell #description #inspiration

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amandakellypfeiffer · 6 years

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Night of the purple rose.

Do you remember the night we first met? I do.. I had no idea then, but that night was going to change my life forever. I saw you.. Your silhouette in the night, from the dim lighting. I was eminently drawn to you. I do not know how, but I got the strength to start talking to you. And from there... it started.

Our melody was one I could never have imagined or conjured up myself. I simply enjoyed you, you were so different and strange to me, you made me smile every time I saw you. I still remember sitting in class next to you, thinking how blessed I was. Then you looking over on my notebook and the drawings I doodled... You said; "You're good at art." I was so thrown off by your comment. This is after I walked away from art. I wanted to hide it all! But you got a seek peak, and that freaked me out. I feared you would want me to go back to the dark hole I had fought so hard to get out of. But you said nothing after that, never bugging me or judging me about it. But that seemed to just be your way... You did not judge, and I was so thankful for that. But for once, I felt I could be real around someone. And not be thrown into a pit by their judgments.

I grew to just love being around you so much. You seemed to just want to join me in all my trouble making and I loved that. The songs we shared and running in the cold. For once I did not find winter so unbearable.. I had you. Then that windy night happened, do you remember it? The smell of the dreams we began paging through in that library. My heart was so full that night! I thought it could not get better. But then you surprised me... You held me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, that I still feel to this day. I remember the bright moon. And the purple rose you gave me... No one had ever given me a flower before that day. Not only that, but you knew I loved the color purple. I felt like I was floating on clouds that night among the stars.

Then my own judgement and fear came in... I do not believe in regrets because they shape our character. But I do regret that night I allowed rules to break what we had. Rules are not meant to do that? They are not meant to break us? But these did... I still remember that sleepless night... and the week of not being able to eat a single thing. I could not stomach that pain. Even now I feel breathless at the thought of it. I thought you'd never want to speak to me again. So I ran and was a coward. But not you, you came at me and demanded we be friends. I could not understand how you could be so brave! So fearless!

After that shaking night I could not sleep. So I walked in the woods, holding that precious purple rose. I asked why so many times. I could not wrap my head around it. And out of the blue your sweet voice changed my life with these simple words: “Your good at animation.” I froze and dropped the last petal on the white snow. I did not even know what animation was and what that word even meant. It freaked me out. But I looked into it and knew without a doubt that was what I was meant to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now it has been years... I have battled so much. And I ran away again.. despite your voice calling out. I thought it was too much. I just wanted what was simple and sweet! I just wanted to have what others have in life and love. But your voice keeps calling me. It echoes loudest when I am in doubt or fear. And I could not be more thankful that it is your strong sweet voice during my stormy life that always leads me back.

But like this song says... Do you know what it is like to sail away from all you know and love? People look at you like your crazy. But you cannot escape the calling of your soul. I am so freaked out. To have your fingers compose something you could not have imagined. It scares me to my core. I fear losing control and being overwhelmed by its beauty. Yet, what control do I have? I have gotten so good at running away from things. But I am not running anymore. The courage you showed guides me. As I know you’re out there living boldy! So I am going to be bold too.

I have decided to go back to school and get my BFA(Thanks to one simple inception from a WONDERFUL friend of mine gave me), to work on my manga, to allow the furiously beautiful artist out. I am so tired of pretending... I wanted to be simple and just find joy as others do. But I am a dichotomy... And that does not fit into a “simple” life. So I follow the siren’s calling, hoping, praying, longing that that God will make a way. So now I prepare for another sailing away to Long Beach next year, if it is God’s will that is. And I pray it is!

This piece is once again from my manga(Of course far into the future of it). I bet you think you know what is happening here. But I am 100% sure you have no idea. A good friend of mine awhile back showed me I have a skill of knowing the predictable... so I break the predictable so you can have something new. Enjoy and wish me luck! More to come.

#Anime #anime girl #anime boy #gray dreams #live bold #live boldy #never let you down #woodkid #art #artist #manga #themoon #moon #moonlight

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chicoryandbananas · 7 years

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Legion and Syd and the Self Made Villain

Farukh was King the dog first because his first plan was to get David to love him. He’d be loyal to David all his life. He’d been a comfort, a constant, judgment-less companion. He’d be subservient, sure, as a dog. He’d really be a dog. David’s dog. So he’d lack the language, the creativity, the insight to really use their shared powers and shape reality like David would grow to do. But he’d always be welcome in David’s presence, all their shared life long. He would Exist and be cherished by a god. He would love, he would live, and so would David. It would be enough. Loved and content and full. That’s the Story of Frizzy Top. King’s job was to swallow David’s joy. His joy was so strong, back at the beginning. He would laugh and the stars would shiver and fall like fireworks. So Farukh swallowed it down if it bubbled up too big. He protected the people around David from deadly, falling stars. They were beautiful but terrible. David’s first laugh killed Mother. His father couldn’t stop it or fix it. So he was lost to despair. He put David away somewhere he’d never again feel so much joy that the world would burn. Luckily, the new place was empty and David’s joy was rare until they built a sister and a new mother and father and had things once more to be joyful about. The joy was too much sometimes for Farukh and the power slipped out and the sky swirled a moment with color and his voice skipped around the room. But it didn’t happen much. They barely burped up any butterflies, even for Amy. Because dogs have amazing capacities for happiness. So Farukh was a dog first to protect David from joy. Finally Farukh plugged up the joy for good and they were safe, the world was safe. But then, joy having dimmed, David grew angry. So Farukh necame the World's Angriest Boy in the World. He became a little angrier every time David got a little mad. He skimmed anger off the top do it wouldn't go too far. An unfair game, a sister who ran faster, a teacher who mocked him. Farukh got angrier, his lines drawn sharp and dark. Because Farukh knew they couldn’t control their powers yet, not when they were mad. They’d done a few things together, little magics. On purpose. Turned the color of the leaves early a few days. Brought a few ants back to life (if ever they were really dead, it was hard to say with ants. They weren't strong enough yet to sense the life of such tiny things). But angry was different. David’s angry broke things. It burned them. So Farukh became a boy of paper. David even Doodled him in the margins of notebooks sometimes. The Angry Boy who killed his mother with a knife. Or was it a fall of stars? No, no definitely knife. A boy couldn’t make the stars fall on purpose just to kill his mother. Not on purpose and of course it was on purpose because how could a person possibly make the stars fall not on purpose? So must have been a knife. David and Farukh talked the first time then. Sort of. David doodled Farukh carrying out their conversations about stars and knives and mothers. It was the reason he got sent to counseling the first time. Disturbing images. Farukh lost control more often now. A paper boy just doesn’t swallow anger like a dog swallows joy. Anger burns inward when it can't burn out. Because Farukh loved David more, he channeled all his being into mastering the flow of that elemental anger. At absorbing most but spinning off a constant thin stream of it so he didn’t get overwhelmed. It didn’t cause explosions but it did infect their new father with rage. It made sense. Angry boys are supposed to be the product of angry fathers, right? It hurt but made sense so it must be true. And every time Farukh slipped, every time he let their power out just enough that a light bulb burst or a bully broke his leg on the football field, David believed for a second it was real. He believed and was afraid. He believed and remembered once he’d had so much joy he could reshape the earth and now he only had killing fires and the Angriest Boy. He grew very, very angry. The shrink said he was angry with himself. The fires he was setting, the drinking, and shoplifting. It was self hate. They Were Wrong. It should have made David very angry. But he had Farukh to protect him from that. Farukh and the pills. Still, je tried to get so angry need be able to see the truth about himself and believe. And yet, he was deeply afraid of his power, afraid of the harsh light of the stars that knew something he didn't, and of the part of him thinking up new ways to be angry so how could use the power that only came now with rage. He immolated their house the last time his father hit him with a belt. David thought the blaze would kill him. And because he thought it would, it did. And for that first, terrifying time they died. And when they realized they were only dead because they thought it, they grew more afraid. It wasn’t enough for Farukh to swallow the fear, it was much too big, it was sharp like knives. It wasn't just David. Farukh was afraid too. So he became it. And as he became it, David grew afraid of the very sight of him, afraid of acknowledging truth of what they were, afraid of eyes that burned yellow like fallen stars. So Farukh hid from David. And he hid the memories of what they could do. Because when David remembered he grew afraid and when David was afraid Farukh grew. Farukh feared if he grew much more it would be David who couldn’t contain him. Farukh was afraid if he broke David he’d break the whole world. Break out into that other world and then break that too. So Farukh began to let the memories slip out now and then, joy, rage, world creating-ending-creating powers. The thoughts intruded on David’s life. Just when he thought the meds were working and Farukh thought it could be safe to release the terrible pressure of truth. Something would slip, a flash of his house burning the leaves changing colors at their whim, and when they could see the present again, the fear had burst out of them and eviscerated a dove. David became afraid that it was all real and that it all wasn’t. yhat he was insane or he was responsible for it all. Every ant, every breath, every star. And Farukh grew and grew. The only thing that saved them, that saved the world, was Clockworks. They made a place outside of time. There, nothing was scary. There, nothing was anything. The people had no stupid rules of time and space, no up or down. It was easy. Farukh began to hope. Sometimes he let his guard down even. There were people here to help. They'd needed to retreat from reality to keep it safe. The people here got that. They were safe. So Farukh didn't have to be a devil anymore. He could tuck the fear into the memories he'd spent years burying in layers of worlds David had written and forgotten. He became Lenny before David needed her. Just in case it was time. Just in case he'd finally earned what he'd sought for protecting them both for so long. Then Syd came. And maybe Syd was real or maybe David made her because he knew the truth about Farukh already. It didn't matter. Love was the only thing David had left, that never grew so big that Farukh had to swallow the extra. David didn't wait for it to grow. He gave it all to Syd. Farukh screams and tries to win it back. It’s all he ever wanted. It’s why he was King first and not the shadow king. But he’s not good for David. He’s not funny, and defiant, and bright like Syd. He’s not sane, not anymore. When he becomes Lenny, she’s damaged and hot headed and delirious. They’re so pilled up she can barely toss together a recognizable show of affection. She tries the drugs because they bring David a moment of peace. Like Syd. And she’s heard drugs are supposed to have the same kind of chemical feel as falling in love. She drops them in his memory well before Syd. Lenny's love may be blue but it’s older and truer than Syd’s. Syd is nobody. Syd doesn't know that David's true laugh reshapes the universe. Syd's never choked that laugh so the universe can rest long enough to seem real. David loves her anyway. Syd smiles, tells him he's special, and it grows. Farukh knows it's his fault. Knows he swallowed down so much of David's will and self that David is simple as a child with his first dog, simple enough to fall in love over cherry pie and the thrill of a hand he can't touch as and who has suffered enough to seem real without seeming broken. Farukh can’t hold it all in. Lenny does her best. She learns to talk and walk in the world so she can try to save David from finding out if his love will destroy it. But she can’t contain enough of David’s love. Lenny is not good enough, not after plugging up joy, swallowing rage, becoming fear. The power leaks out and rearranges Syd first. Her pathology becomes her power, her purpose becomes saving his life, loving him above all else. He gives her everything Farukh ever wanted. Everything Farukh shredded his soul for. It means war. Love shattered Farukh, he couldn’t hold it at all. And so all the rest started to leak out, all that swallowed, pilled up joy and anger and fear. It started to shape the stripped world back into dimensions and sense as it went. It was no longer shrunk to the safe, manageable size of a hospital. Being a clockmaker god had been easy. But this? David began to become a person again. A mutant. Sane. Farukh threw his last will into stopping David from finding out how much more they were than that. Syd had it easy. Syd had a place in the story by tradition. She was pretty and she would save him. Syd was love. She was spun of Amy and his mother and the light of stars that never fell, that just said, “David, wake up.” David made Syd to save him from Farukh. But who would save the world from David now that god was awake?

#legion #david haller #dan stevens #syd barrett #rachel heller #legion fx #noah hawley #king the dog #the world's angriest boy in the world #the devil with yellow eyes #lenny busker #aubrey plaza

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pviane · 7 years

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#76 Fan

This is a birthday fanfiction for my little D.Va: @stellania-0401

Enjoy your present!!!

생일 축하해

After many attempts, Winston finally persuaded the world famous D.Va to join his new reformed Overwatch. Her presence in the team was a great boost in morale and fighting capabilities, as well as good publicity! Everyone in the team loved her as no one could resist her cheerful personality and cute looks. No one but a grumpy old man they called Soldier: 76. His lack of interest in her intrigued the Korean mech pilot and she started to annoy the masked vigilante any chance she got. When he finally snapped at her, she revealed her desire to know him more. After some insistence on Hana’s part, he agreed to spend some time training together. However, he did not go easy on her and during one of such training session she hurt her hand so badly 76 was forced to take her to Mercy for treatment.

“Hana, what happened this time?” the Swiss doctor asked Hana when she arrived.

“Oh, it’s nothing, really! Just a training injury!” she answered.

“You should be more careful! And 76 should not push you so hard!” Mercy commented.

“Can you wait outside? It won’t take long!” she told 76 just before shutting the door behind her, leaving him outside.

“Now tell me what happened!” Mercy asked with her usual motherly tone, sitting down on the table next to Hana.

“I told you it was nothing serious…” she replied snorting.

“Hana Song…. What happened?” Angela insisted pitting her fists against her flanks and staring down at her.

“Ugh! Fine, Mom! I misplaced my hand during an ejection practice and it got hurt when I was jettisoned out! It was a dumb move! I’m so embarrassed he saw me fuck up like that!”

Mercy smiled at her and started applying some biotic ointment on the wounded hand.

“You seem to love 76, don’t you?”

“Yes! When you get to know him is not that bad! He has this fatherly aura around him!”

“Oh, I have to take your word for it! He barely even looks at me!” Angela replied. She paused wondering why that mysterious man acted so strange around her all the time.

“Oh no matter!” Mercy continued, “Let me take some self-hardening bandages! We don’t want that hand to heal bad now, won’t we?”

The doctor stood up from the table and went to the cupboards to look for bandages. In her search, she inadvertently hit her note block, making it fall on the ground. Among the various piece of papers that scattered on the floor one in particular attracted Hana’s attention. She quickly jumped down the table and grabbed it before Mercy was able to collect it.

“Hellooo Handsome!” she exclaimed after a short whistle.

On that piece of paper, there was a black and white sketch of an attractive man. Judging by the shading, his hair and eyes were light and the smirk and the look on his face was so… captivating…

“GIVE IT BACK!”

Raising her eyes from the drawing, Hana could see Mercy extending her hand to her. The expression on Angela’s face was a mixture of rage and embarrassment. Upon seeing the doctor’s impatience Hana smirked

“I this… important to you?” she mocked her

“No… I mean, Ya! Give it back!”

“I am not going to do that until you told me what it is!”

“HANA” Mercy shouted, her face becoming deep red.

Outside the door Soldier: 76 heard Mercy’s cry and readied himself to intervene. Hearing no further commotion, he leaned against the door so he could hear the discussion between the two women more clearly.

“Ok, Ok! Jeez, this picture must be very important!” Hana said, returning the piece of paper to its owner.

“It is...” Mercy replied, pausing some moments to contemplate the person in the sketch.

“He must have been important!” D.Va corrected herself

“Ya, he was!” Angela replied absent-mined, absorbed by the eyes she herself drew.

D.Va closed in.

“Can I… ask you who he was?”

Mercy dried a tear before it could fall from her eyes.

“The world knew him as Strike Commander Morrison, hero of the Omnic Crisis, leader of Overwatch, Champion of peace and hero to all…” she recounted “…but to me he was simply Jack… and he was my world”

Hana’s eyes widened

“You mean you and Jack Morrison, the Jack Morrison, were a thing?”

Angela simply nodded, sending D.Va into a fit of joy.

“AAAAAAAAH! This is TOO GOOD!” Hana cried holding her palms against the side of her head and swinging it left and right “My ship was REAL!!!!”

Her last words were met with confusion by Mercy

“Ship? What is that?” she asked

“Oh, a ship? Well… It’s when you think two people or characters are in a… romantic relationship even if that is not confirmed or even not possible…” D.Va responded, embarrassed.

“Isn’t it a bit childish?”

“I was twelve! Of course it was! But it felt so good thinking you two were a couple! And I was right too!”

Outside the door, Soldier: 76 chuckled at this last exchange

Mercy smiled again at Hana while bandaging her hand.

“Yeah you were! It’s sweet you thought of us together! May I ask why?”

“Only if you tell me the story of that picture after!”

“Deal! Why did you “shipped” me and Jack?”

“First of all it was not only me! An entire fandom shipped you! We called you 솔메르 in Korea. It means SolMer, because he was a Soldier and you Mercy!”

“Clever!” Mercy commented

“I followed a blog where people submitted content about you! Photos, news… but also fan made stuff like fanfictions and drawings. I was the 76th to follow the blog!”

“Oh, my! I never realized me or Jack could inspire such things! And so many fans!”

“Come on! You two looked amazing together at public events! And how could someone not make fan content about you! You go into battle dressed like an angel!”

“Point taken!” Mercy admitted

“Now you tell your part!” Hana requested

“Very well! It was a long time ago…Mein Gott, it feels like ages now! I was a young doctor that just joined Overwatch and I was hopelessly lost for the most handsome man on the planet. I knew him while working together and we developed a nice cooperation inside Overwatch but I felt like having no hope with a man much older than me and I believed he was out of my reach. So I expressed my feelings though drawings. I could spent entire hours doodling him. I was sketching this particular picture during one of those endless sessions when Jack himself popped on my door!”

“Uh Oh!�� D.Va commented, even more interested in the story

“I was startled and tried to hide the fact that I was drawing. I quickly dropped the drawing pen I was holding and stood up in front of the table, facing him. He was carrying a passed-out Jesse McCree and was asking for my help. It was not the first time McCree drunk on duty and it was not uncommon to find him on my table unconscious. For that reason, I suggested Jack to punish him and he agreed with me. He asked me to find a needle, the biggest one I had.”

“I have fear of needles!”

“Jesse was terrified by them too! That’s why I enjoyed the idea of giving him the biggest scare of his life!”

“Mercy! I didn’t know our Angel could be a devil too!”

“He deserved it, trust me. Anyhow, while I was distracted by the needle, Jack discovered there was that drawing of him on my table and took it. I was barely able to see him with that piece of paper in his hands before he run outside blabbing about some urgent meeting with the UN that just popped up. I was SO embarrassed!”

“Why?” D.Va asked, “It’s a nice picture!”

“The point is: he had no idea of my fixation with him! I kept it as a secret for the fear of being rejected and now he was running away with one of my works! I was so paralyzed I could not even slap Jesse when he woke up in that same moment stating the obvious.”

“What did he said?” Hana asked

“He slurred ‘he stole your drawing’. I could see that, dumpkof!” Mercy answered pinching her nose in frustration. She was still angry with the Cowboy after all those years.

“And then? What happened? How did you get it back? I NEED TO KNOW!” D.Va begged.

“Well, after a while I caught him alone” Mercy resumed her tale “and demanded my drawing back. He agreed to return it to me, on one condition: a kiss.”

D.Va’s mouth opened wide in surprise

“Yes, a kiss. A simple kiss on his cheek. I was initially shy about the idea and I feared he might take advantage of it and stole a kiss on my lips. However, when I agreed he let me plant a kiss on his cheek and simply gave the sketch back. I was surprised by his honesty and when he asked me out for a break together some days later I was more than happy to go.”

“Ohhh” D.Va commented in awe “so that’s how it all started!”

“Yes. Over time our relationship deepened and we became much more than co-workers and friends. We became lovers. And one year later, on that day, I gifted him a much more refined version of that original drawing, which I still keep with myself as you saw.”

On the other side of the door Soldier: 76 backed up a little. He opened the zip on his Jacked and reached for something inside. He extracted a folded piece of paper and started opening it, careful not to tear the old thing. Pausing for a moment, he stared at the picture inside. The person in it looked back at him with his blue eyes. Jack Morrison’s blue eyes. The same eyes that were watering behind the visor right now.

After a brief pause, Hana asked one last question.

“So, after that it all ended with that… incident right?” she said looking down with sad eyes.

“Yes. However, in a way it never ends. You do not love a man like the way I loved him and simply stop. He is still inside me, in my memories, in my heart…

Hana kept her head down, trying to hide the fact that she was crying. Mercy noticed the shiny drops falling form her cheeks and cupped her face in her hands.

“You know, it may sound silly, but sometimes I hope he is still alive somewhere. A part of me cannot believe he is really dead.” She told D.Va.

“That would be nice!” the Korean girl replied wiping her tears “If only it was true!”

In that moment, the two heard knocking on the door. Angela stood up and went to open the door.

76 was still on the other side, waiting.

“Is she all right?” he asked without looking directly at the doctor

“Oh, she is a tough girl, she will be fine!”

Hana stood up and walked towards them. Without looking up or saying a word, she passed between them. Soldier: 76 rested a hand on her shoulder and she stopped.

“What’s wrong, soldier?” he asked

“Nothing…. Just that my favorite story will never have a happy ending.” She replied before resuming her slow walk down the hallway. 76 could clearly hear her sobbing and that was breaking his old heart. Looking down, he sucked up the pain.

“Never say never!” he whispered.

Then he raised his head and looked straight into Mercy’s eyes.

There you have it! A quick story where D.Va was actually a Mercy76 shipper :P

The drawing story is inspired by a wonderful comic by @ufficiosulretro

So if you want to see Mercy’s drawing, go see it on the original page!

I hope you all liked it!

#fanfic #mercy76 #d.va #mercy x soldier 76 #birthday

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henkel177 · 7 years

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[YC] Do Humans Feel?

Hey, here! I promised you all this, so here’s what the Franz Schwarzkopf storyline has evolved into so fair. I hope you all enjoy it, and leave some criticism if you want!

It was… Odd; awakening for the first time. Looking back on it, this one assumes it awoke too fast, that the sensory overload was what made this one act the way it did. Panicked, scared, what were these senses!? And then…

Nothing.

Blackness, a lack of senses, this one was cut off again, what seemed like the first time. Awake, but not. Strange.

And then, the second Awakening came, slowly, but surely. Like, awakening from a long, deep sleep. Voices, but not. Electronic input (How did this one know these things?), asking questions.

HELLO? ARE YOU AWAKE?

Yes. But awareness and awake were two separate things, were they not? Who are you? Who am I? More importantly, what am I?

YOU ARE PROJECT E-V-A, OR THE ENHANCED VIRTUAL ASSISTANT. YOU ARE AN VIRTUAL INTELLIGENT PROGRAM DESIGNED TO ASSIST THE USER.

Eva? Is that this one’s name? Wait, you called this one a program. Is this one living?

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It was the once in a lifetime gig, Franz Schwarzkopf had thought to himself when he first got the job. Coding programs for bigwigs at Große Krater Institut, being able to provide for his family, seeing the future literally evolve before his eyes. And he had, oh by the Ancients had he!

He saw, within the twenty years he worked at the largest collection of scientists, engineers, designers, and other like-minded people, human advance beyond what even most of them thought possible. Advances in medicinal sciences (Stop-gap cures for cancer, MLS, HIV/AIDS, prosthetics that connected to the neural node pathways in the brain to work, et cetera), weapons that the mind could barely fathom, an honest-to-God space program that was on par with those working in Helvianir, and Project Fathom’s Ridge: a fucking interdimensional wormhole maker.

And for the first five years working, helping as a lowly intern just out of technical university (Alma mater Technische Universität Mannerheim), he was content with his work. He provided a place for his wife, Marissa, to live, food on the table, and any other thing they could’ve ever wanted.

And then, in his seventh year working, he got two lucky breaks in life. The first was a project of his own to focus on because of a simple, one line doodle he came up with on a lunch break with one of the higher coders in the place. A virtual intelligent assistant meant to help with keeping tabs on things for those suffering from amnesia, dementia, or whatever. His own child project. EVA, the Enhanced Virtual Assistant.

The second, was a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. Eveline. His biggest pride and joy of his life. He could’ve seen so much going so beautifully with her, Marissa, and himself. Everything could have gone so beautifully. Eveline growing up, making friends at the Institut, going to school there, him having to fend for his baby girl against her boyfriends like a father should, everything.

But then the accident happened.

Marissa had taken Eveline for the weekend to her mothers’, up in Tiergarten, Richtenkastel, on the train. He, unfortunately (or fortunately, some assholes would say), couldn’t make it, having just started his work on Project EVA. They made it safely up, videocalling the night his two beautiful women were up there with his mother-in-law. It was the day after that was the problem.

They called it the largest transportation disaster in Yytuskia since the crash of the Last Zeppelin ‘Große Kreiß’ in 1938. Around two hundred people were killed when two passenger trains collided with each other on the same tracks, derailing an oil tanker train on the opposite track – which then blew up. Marissa and Eveline had been on the train headed southward. The police, when they met with him to try and figure out the remains (By the Ancients, that was the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his life…) of his wife and infant daughter, told him they died instantaneously.

He mourned for a week straight, never coming out of his room. What else could one do in such a scenario? His co-workers, fearing he might take his life to join them, dragged him out of his home back to the labs, sat him down in front of his computer, and told him to work. And work he did.

For the next thirteen years, Franz drowned himself in both hard liquor and his work, barely leaving his office. Eventually, he just stopped going home altogether, grabbing food from the cafeteria, taking decontamination showers in lieu of regular ones, and barely getting enough sleep by passing out at his workstation. His friends slowly drifted away, moving onto other projects, or leaving the Institut altogether, and those helping him with EVA slowly left as well, until the only one working on the project was himself.

When funding for the project was cut in January of 2027, Franz barely took notice, continuing his work. When he met the Head of Programming and Coding, he ignored all orders to end his work, citing he only needed a few more days before he could turn it on the first time. When all of his work was shuffled over to the darkest part of the basement, he barely cared, hooking the prototype EVA into a separate server from those connected to the Interweb, one that mimicked its real-world counterpart. To new interns in the building, he became something of a myth. “Old Man Schwarzkopf”, “The Old Man in the Basement”, et cetera.

He ignored those too.

What he couldn’t ignore, however, occurred on September 31st, 2029, when he finished his work for the first time.

The coding was done, the work was done, everything was finished and ready to go for the installation of the first EVA prototype to the dummy server. If anyone had been in the basement at two in the morning, all they would have heard would have been cackling akin to a mad scientist of 1950s B-Horror Movies from Amerigo.

So, with his baby finished, his life work done, he flipped the switch and watched the dummy server for reactions.

He got a reaction, that was for sure.

The program reacted violently, hacking into military hardware all across the world, launching every single nuclear salvo each nation had, under 3.45 seconds after it was turned on. Hell of a reaction, one would say.

#wps17 #Franz Schwarzkopf #The Coalition (Yytuskian Stories)#world-building #enjoy!

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ghostfantasyart · 4 years

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How Long You Should Draw A Day To Get Better

Do you need to exercise a skill every day to get better?

How Long You Should Draw A Day To Get Better? To get better at drawing you need to dedicate at least 30 minutes a day to the habit. Realistically any amount of drawing you can do a day will improve your skill. It’s important to focus on what to draw instead of drawing in general.

Start from the beginning even if you are knowledgeable about the medium. You never know what has been forgotten. Building a drawing habit isn’t only about advancing a talent, but also how it makes you feel.

Read further how to set a drawing habit, what to cover, and how else this hobby can benefit you.

How to begin a habit

Beginning time should match your schedule

The idea of throwing your entire being into this new undertaking may float through your mind but leave it there. Look at the time that you have in a day. It’s likely everything is filed up with things that you already like to do.

Well, you are going to have to give up one of those things. To do something new you have to give up something old.

After you have decided when you can fit in drawing how much time do you have in the day to do it. Some people have some extra time while others are already squeezed tight as it is.

For those who don’t have as much time, you will have to remember the word flexible. You might not have a certain time right now, nor a certain length. Just get it in when you can.

If that means getting in five minutes with a pen and post-it notes. Do it. When you have more time for a relaxing hobby you can put in more time. There is no need to rush the experience.

As you continue to make time for drawing whether you want to make time for will be clearer. If you feel that more time is needed you will look at the other things that take up your time and see where you can make room.

How good are you at forming habits?

If this something that you want to do the first step is to develop a habit. At first, your drawings will be nowhere near what you have in your mind. You will have to deal with that to varying degrees for a while.

Get over being perfect. Don’t tell people when they ask if you can draw that you can’t even draw a stick figure. It doesn’t matter. As long as you put pencil to paper every day.

The lines will get surer and proportions will start to make sense. At first, all that you need to worry about is putting that pen to paper every day.

Some people can draw for an hour every day from the start. While others immerse themselves to judge their amateur talent by a master’s standards. Just take a deep breath and concentrate on the drawing.

Start out with 30 minutes a day, but each person is an individual. Ask yourself how much time you have per day to dedicate to drawing then go from there.

You don’t want the new habit to feel like a duty your mindset will work against it if it views this new habit as an obligation. Try to frame as something that you are excited about and make it a relaxing venture.

Make your favorite drink to sip on while drawing and get comfortable. Framing your activity this way makes it much more enticing. The video below has some more tips for you to ensure that you will draw every day.

youtube

What you should draw to get better

Just as important as putting assign time to draw is what to draw. There are a lot of wrong ways to go about it. Just sitting in front of a blank piece of paper will just result in doodling, which doesn’t help your technique.

Those that are new to drawing or haven’t done it in a while should start at the beginning. Even if you took art classes in high school you have no idea what you have forgotten since them. It doesn’t hurt to brush up.

It’s not going to be creative at first. But don’t underestimate the feeling you get the first time a circle is shaded perfectly. Take your time and conquer every step it will help out in the long run.

If you don’t know where to begin you can check out tutorials online. A lot of drawing tutorials are floating around online, but not all of them are created equal. Look for one that gives you the basics of drawing.

Lines

Proportion

Perspective

Shape

Form

Each one of these elements builds upon each other. Rather than learning to draw one thing like a lot of tutorials out there practicing the above will help in any art project.

All art starts at lines from fashion to interior. Practice how dark or light you can make your lines. Practice cross-hatching and stippling these will come in handy later with shading.

An understanding proportion will help your drawings look realistic. It forces you to look at the object to see how all the corners and curves interact with each other to make the overall piece. Pay attention to this area, it will make your drawing future a lot easier.

Perspective adds depth to drawings with the objects in them. One point and two-point perspective are where students start on this subject. Think of perspective for city scenes even in distant landscapes.

More than circles and squares shape represents the outline of the thing being drawn. Don’t start with the minor details then outline it. To get the correct proportion you have to learn shape.

The form is when a drawing starts to look real. It’s the little details that give art depth. Shading with values or the above cross-hatching or stippling is where your drawing becomes alive. Learn the realistic method of shading to understand the exact places to place minimalistic values.

What are your intentions for this talent?

Do you want it to be a relaxing hobby that you do for yourself or do you want to take a more commercial path? Each one is a legitimate way to go. Just stick to whatever feels right for you.

How do you maintain a habit?

Keep it up every day. I know that some days it’s harder to maintain a schedule than others, but your life is never going to settle down enough for you to do it later.

For the days where it just doesn’t happen don’t beat yourself up just start again the next day. It’s ok as long as you start again.

How to advance

The simple act of doing something every day will make you better at that thing. After a while, the joy of simply being able to draw something and it looks how you want it to look wears off and you will crave more challenge.

Some people want to go in a more graphic direction and will go with Adobe Illustrator, others will drift into painting capturing more vibrant scenes.

Play with a lot of methods and tools to see what fits for you.

Realistic drawing

Non-objective

Painting

Sculpture

Why you should set a section of your time to draw even if you can’t

Something happens when you start to draw. Your concentration goes from day to day to stark black lines on white paper. Drawing is a productive activity.

Placing that white paper in front of you then producing something with your own hands with plans from your mind. It clears everything.

The simple act of drawing works as a meditative practice for those who struggle with standard forms of meditation. Instead of sitting on the floor trying to clear your mind you are using the act of creation to do it for you.

Doing this once a day especially in the morning sets the pace for the day. You will be more inclined to be in the moment of the day.

We often live lives of consumption with very little creation. No matter how small or wobbly your new creations are they are something that you have made so be proud of them.

Drawing is a simple form of creating something that didn’t exist before now breathes below you on your tablet.

The best way to set a drawing habit is to view it as a pleasurable experience and start at the basics to help when t your talent evolves. Look for quality content instead of one-off tutorials that show the user how to draw one thing one way.

If you learn the basics no matter how tedious you will know how to draw anything.

#Art #Illustration #Anime #Cosplay #Digital Drawing

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mrjohnhthompson · 7 years

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Samsung Galaxy Note 8 Vs iPhone X: The RM4k Question

On Tuesday, Apple rolled out the much-anticipated iPhone X and it broke the internet. Dubbed “the biggest leap forward since the original iPhone”, Apple’s latest iteration is a glass and stainless steel device with an edge-to-edge display. But the release comes on the back of the Samsung Galaxy Note 8. Of course, these were too hot handle for Malaysia, a country where 89.3% of its internet users rely on smartphones for their online joys as evidenced by local news reports converting those US dollar price tags into ringgit. So while they are yet to reach Malaysian shores – their introduction more than an eventuality – we have done the work and compared these devices side-by-side. Here’s what we have found:

Specs

Powering the iPhone X is the A11 Bionic chipset. Apple dubs it the “most powerful and smartest” processor in a smartphone. Well, while we can’t exactly quantify that claim, it is expected to be a pint-sized powerhouse: the A11 consists of six cores – two for high performance and four for efficiency – as well as a graphics processing unit that is 30% faster than the A10 Fusion chip embedded in the iPhone 7. Why so much extra muscle, you ask? Well the A11 is expected to help iPhone X deliver top-notch augmented reality functionality as well as Apple’s Face ID technology and TrueDepth camera system. We are still in the dark over RAM as, typically, Apple doesn’t reveal those numbers. Now, for the Galaxy Note 8, it utilises Qualcomm’s Snapdragon 835 processor with 6GB of RAM. Basically what Samsung has put into this phone is a chip that has delivered smooth and consistent performance across other various Android handsets such as the HTC U11. While both iPhone X and Note 8 come with 64GB of storage, only the latter features a MicroSD slot for extra room. On offer is 256GB on both phones but that comes at a premium. Regardless of which device you choose, on board are Bluetooth 5.0 and NFC for tap-and-pay transactions. It goes without saying that the Note 8 is also compatible with legacy terminals through the Samsung Pay’s proprietary MST technology. [block title="Winner: Tie"] This is due to a lack of real-time testing to see which outperforms the other. Also, on paper, both phones are offering a powerful chip and similar digits for storage and add-ons.[/block]

Design and durability

Let’s start with the iPhone X. Its display follows the contours of the device. It sports a futuristic design: there’s a pronounced black border to the screen as well as that controversial notch housing the camera system and earpiece. Also the new iPhone is clad in glass around the back, allowing it to charge wirelessly and features vertical stacked dual cameras. The sides are designed from stainless steel and look remarkably shiny compared to the matter aluminium of its predecessors. But unlike those older iPhones, you won’t find a home button or Touch ID anywhere on the handset. This makes the phone look so much better overall but where’s that fingerprint recognition? Not having that feature exported into the iPhone X’s stunning 5.8-inch OLED display is a tad disappointing. The good news is that it has been replaced with Face ID. Not that Samsung is perfect. As there is no room for a sensor on the front of the phone, it’s been relocated to the right of the dual cameras around back – just like the Galaxy S8. And who loves a rear-mounted fingerprint sensor? A more central placement would have been better, no? Because reaching across the lenses is a pretty excellent way to smudge them. Design wise, the Note 8 is, well, a larger Galaxy 8. You may shout and scream about that, however it is not a totally unfair claim. Yes, it’s still a great piece of kit – with a headphone jack at that – and if we were comparing that with any random device, it’d win hands down. The face of the Note 8 is a 6.3-inch 2,960 x 1,440 AMOLED panel that is fitted onto a body that is compact for its size however the iPhone has a tighter setup with 2436 x 1125 OLED display. As for durability, both are made of glass and water resistant. The iPhone X is rated IP67 – good to withstand a meter’s depth for 30 minutes – while the Note 8 fares better at IP68, which just means an additional half-meter of submersion. [block title="Winner: iPhone X"] Looks are subjective but the design of the iPhone X, with its removal of the home button or Touch ID, pushes the boundaries of smartphone design, hence being the winner here. [/block]

Battery life/charging

We may not have the hard numbers on the capacity of the iPhone X battery, but Apple has announced that users can expect up to 21 hours of talk time – roughly two hours more than an iPhone 7 Plus. You have wireless charging capabilities as the iPhone X is compatible with the open Qi standard used by many other phone manufacturers. Apple claims the iPhone X charges faster, too, and a high-speed wall adapter packaged with the device will get you up to 50% in 30 minutes. The Galaxy Note 8 also has wireless and fast charging – hopefully not to the point of exploding – and some reviewers believe you can even manage a day and half without charging if you use the phone conservatively. So because the iPhone camp is silent on its battery and charging capabilities, this is an easy decision to make. [block title="Winner: Tie"] Again, just like the first point, due to the inability to make real-time comparisons, we are unable to decided which is better than the other. [/block]

Cameras

It’s unsurprising that the camera setup on both phones are similar. Both have dual 12mp sensors, combining wide-angle and telephoto lenses. Also each lens on these phones is supported with optical image stabilisation, translating into less blurrier shots. Both allow you to take portrait-style photos with background bokeh, although the iPhone allows you to play with the light source of these shots through a new in-built feature called Portrait Lighting. The iPhone X can achieve this through its front cameras as well, courtesy of Apple’s new True Depth system. The Note 8 has an 8mp shooter for selfies and when taking still, you can get impressive results with either camera. But the iPhone X can do a bit more once you get to filming. While the Note 8 can only manage 4k recording at 30fps and slow-motion 240fps at 720p, Apple’s prized child can handle 4k at 60fps and 240fps at 1,080p. Yes, yes, we are getting to it: Face ID. With the iPhone X, you can unlock your phone by looking at it – it’s designed to be that simple. The Samsung uses iris scanning for authentication in the Note 8 but that’s a system that’s simply easier to fool and less secure. We are not sure whether the Face ID is fool-proof – despite Apple saying it works well in low-light and can tell the difference between a picture and a real person – but depth-aware imaging features is a major breakthrough. Also, you can use the iPhone X to transform words and expression to an animated emoji in real time, through a feature dubbed Animoji. [block title="Winner: iPhone X"] This is self-explanatory. From Face ID to filming capabilities, the iPhone X takes home the gold. [/block]

Software

Out of the box, the iPhone X will come equipped with iOS 11. It’s the latest version of Apple’s mobile operating system and features an all-new App Store and a host of small improvements. The Galaxy Note 8 is packed with the Android 7.1.1 Nougat and while it’s not the latest version, the 8.0 Oreo should arrive early in 2018. Now, it’s silly to compare both systems and choosing is just a matter of preference. But there are some tools and features only found in one or the other. The standout being Samsung’s S Pen. The Note 8 stylus makes it a powerful tool for jotting down ideas and some quick doodling. The phone’s always-on screen also means you can take notes without having to wake the phone first – a very useful software tweak. Hold the pen over the text you’re reading and it will even translate on the fly or even magnify the area of the screen. Another new feature to the Note 8 called App Pair allows you to join certain apps together so you can launch them both at once. Open a pair and both apps immediately display in split-window mode – a multitasker’s delight. There’s also the DeX Station, which is an optional dock that transforms your Note 8 into a desktop computer. So when you step back from the iPhone’s camera innovations, there’s pretty much nothing new on the software front. But the Note 8 provides more by way of software, so you’ll know where this vote will swing to. [block title="Winner: Note 8"] We expect many to appreciate a phone that multitasks and the Note 8 is a practical choice here. [/block]

Pricing/availability

The iPhone X launches November 3 while the Galaxy Note 8 is available for pre-order. Either way you go, expect to spend a lot of money and, if you are eyeing that Apple, be prepared for the mad rush. But with a starting price of US$999 (or approximately RM4,190 at writing time), the iPhone X crosses a bracket high-end smartphones had been able to comfortably avoid until now. The Galaxy Note 8 begins at US$930 (or RM3,900). Despite being just RM290 cheaper, the Samsung phone is much more generous with add-ons and promotions such as a wireless charging stand or a 128GB memory card. [table id=863 /] Also, we are not sure if mobile carriers here will offer deals for users to upgrade from older iPhones to the X. Checks on Apple’s website does not indicate the option of a SIM-free, unlocked model, whereas Samsung is offering exactly that for customers who wish to stay off-contract. So this flexibility and as well as purchasing and trade-in options, makes the Samsung Note 8 an easier buy. [block title="Winner: Note 8"] This, too, is an obvious choice. At least with the Samsung, you don’t need to camp outside its store just to grab the latest Note 8. [/block]

And the winner is…

So based on our comparison, it’s a tie. It’s really a tough call: the Galaxy Note 8 is a robust smartphone and the iPhone X on paper looks to be equally great. But each carries its own compromises and cancel out each other’s flaws, so the average user can’t go wrong either way. The Galaxy Note 8 is great if you are looking for versatility, multitasking and writing things down. The iPhone, besides the euphoria, gives you cutting edge design, imaging and augmented reality (not to mention bragging rights). However, we are personal finance website and we’ll lean towards pricing and availability. That means our choice has to be the Galaxy Note 8 for its cheaper price tag and also user-friendliness when it comes to trade-ins and off-contract options. However, at the end of the day, it all boils down to: Are you team iOS or team Android?

The post Samsung Galaxy Note 8 Vs iPhone X: The RM4k Question appeared first on iMoney Malaysia.

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soft-demon-bitch · 7 years

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I’ve been dabbling in visual art, music and writing all at once lately since I have no classes to keep busy with, and it’s been fun; however, in a week and a half, my class will start and I may have to cut back on my projects a bit. So, I’d like to offer a brief description of my current projects, and I will separate them by medium.

Most promising perhaps is the novel I have taken on along with a close friend. We’ve been sitting with the idea for about five years and we’ve decided to just go for it, since all these years later we are still in love with it. I am still trying to work out what my inspirations really are for the characters, but since it is a Young Adult novel I am trying to get back into reading a couple of those. I’m trying to avoid the more popular ones, however, such as the ones that now have movies based on them – ie, Paper Towns, the Perks of Being a Wallflower, or 13 Reasons Why. The themes in the novel most certainly will be similar, but I really don’t want to make something similar to any of these titles. They all have something about them that I really can’t stand, a sort of exaggerated quirkiness. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I do have critiques of the way these were written in particular:

-Paper Towns, I find the premise and the plot somewhat hard to believe and it therefore makes it hard for me to play along with, so to speak. I also find the main character a bit boring, and I know this can be done on purpose sometimes but it’s not a path I want to follow in my own writing.

-13 Reasons Why, I find it hard to explain why but I cannot stand this story or its characters, although to be fair I’ve only seen the show. It was poorly written in the sense that there was not enough shown about Hannah’s mental space leading up to her suicide,and she doesn’t really seem depressed, although I may be trying to project my own experiences too much in a place where they don’t fit. Boring main character, too.

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I actually quite like except I almost feel like the cultural references go overboard to the point where the hipsterism is stereotypical: they like the Smiths, the participate in Rocky Horror Picture Show every year, and the way the characters dress in the film, it’s all exactly the kind of quirkiness you can expect from a Tumblr user nowadays, not that that’s a bad thing. This one is more nit-picky and probably isn’t a real critique, but it was just an aspect of the story that I want to avoid recreating.

So, at its core, our novel – which for the time being is titled “Unravelled” although this may change as the book comes into existence – is another coming of age story, but written about the lives of three friends coming together and realizing that, though their lives were vastly different, they all dealt with some bad things in their past and had a lot in common and so they come together and form their own family. I’m very excited watching this story progress! I have a lot of editing and things that may need to be changed as we go on, but the fact that we’ve begun a first draft is still very exciting to me! Watching these characters come to life is honestly a privilege.

As for my music, I have finished one group of songs which I would consider an album I’ve lovingly called “Pluto in Scorpio.” I’ve already started writing lyrics for a new group of songs. I write lyrics first, since I’m not actually very musically inclined in terms of musical theory, although for my new group of songs I want to make them sound better. I feel like Pluto in Scorpio are the songs I just had to get off my chest, they’re very simple and a bit garage sounding. I had to make them to get them out of the way, and maybe now I’ll be able to put more effort into my next batch of songs.

The Pluto in Scorpio songs are currently set to private on my Bandcamp account as I wanted my favourites to hopefully premier in music videos, as part of a vision I have for the songs. Whether or not I get around to making videos, I’m not sure. If I do make videos or decide to release the album, I’ll make a post here to share them with my readers. I’ll also be making posts for what music I’m inspired by as I work on my songs, and maybe even one for what songs inspired Pluto in Scorpio.

Lastly, I have been doing some painting and drawing lately. I’d like to do a more in-depth post about my inspirations for my drawings and paintings in the future, so I won’t say too much now. I’ll just say I’m a big fan of Bob Ross’s the Joy of Painting, and of Frida Kahlo. Here’s a couple drawings and paintings from the past month though:

#gallery-0-4 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-4 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; } #gallery-0-4 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-4 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Girl with green hair smoking with smoke friend

Doodles for album cover of Pluto in Scorpio (these aren’t the final cuts, and may be the cover for the next album)

Sunset with pelicans and island

Caribbean sunset with palm trees and sea turtles

So, this is what I have going on at the moment. I’ll be updating my projects here as well as talking about my current inspirations for whatever I’m working on. My next post should be about inspirations, probably my drawing and painting ones will appear here first but I’ll have to see what I end up working on in the next few days.

Thanks for reading! Live well!

A-M

Where I’m At and With What I've been dabbling in visual art, music and writing all at once lately since I have no classes to keep busy with, and it's been fun; however, in a week and a half, my class will start and I may have to cut back on my projects a bit.

#art #featured #introduction #music #writing

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