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ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa · 4 years

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With Cherries On Top

Chapter 3: The Ring & The Save

Summary/Author’s Note: I’m so fucking excited for you all to read this I am like BOUNCING. Max in all of his glory being a fucking SHIT. But we love him dearly.

You and Max start learning a little more about each other. Your current predicament calls for a drink...or seven. And the two of you land in Alaska to meet your family. @pedropascalsource for gif credit. Look at that fucking shit and that grin...it happens a lot in this chapter as he starts to schmooze your family.

Pairing: Max Phillips x Reader (The Proposal AU) Word Count: 3.5k Warnings: R/18+ - drinking, alcohol, sass, so much sass, sexual tension, sexual innuendos, Max is a bastard man but he is...getting better?, also does he own casual clothes?

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [MASTERLIST]

You had taken Tylenol before you even went through security, but at this point you were pretty sure the entire bottle would not have prepared you for flying with Max Phillips. The non stop flight from JFK to Juno was almost ten hours and you had thought multiple times about stabbing your eardrums out with an ink pen. It wasn't that the flight was bad, in fact the flight itself was quite nice. First class was definitely a new experience but you could get used to it. The padded leather seats and extra leg room meant you could lean back and stretch. You propped yourself up with a pillow, and a book and was content to relax. There was just one problem, Max.

His presence was about as loud as he was and he insisted on chatting up the cute stewardesses, reading over your shoulder, and reminding you almost every fifteen minutes that this flight was boring. He at one point in time asked if you wanted to join the mile-high club and you fought the urge to snap your book shut and smack him with it.

The flight attendant walked by and asked if you needed anything and you sat up and gave her a warm smile.

"Yeah, um, I'll take a vodka cranberry, please."

Max raised an eyebrow and looked at you, "It's nine thirty in the morning."

"Oh, shoot. You're right!" You threw yourself over his lap and leaned into the isle to catch the attendant. Max grunted from the sudden weight of you and you bit back a grin. "I'm sorry, can you make it a Bloody Mary? Thank you."

You leaned back into your seat and opened the binder from immigration. Max dusted off his slacks and continued to look at you with curious disdain.

"Maybe you should eat something first?"

"It comes with celery, I think." You said without looking up. You could feel his eyes on you but refused to give him the satisfaction that it bothered you. The words on the page were suddenly the most interesting thing you had ever seen in your life and when he gave a heavy sigh, you grinned.

The attendant came back with your drink and you smiled as she set it on your fold out table tray.

"Is that the binder from I.N.S?" Max said and you nodded as you wrapped your lips around your straw and drank deep.

"Yup, and we have one week to learn all of this about each other. Which will be easy for me, because I can answer all of these questions about you--but you know nothing about me." You looked up and glared as he snatched the binder from you and started flipping through it.

"You expect me to believe you know all of this about me?"

"I do," you took another drink and turned in your seat to face him. "You never stop talking about yourself--and I've been listening to it for five years."

"Well," he said, flipping the page dramatically and looking at you with a grin. "I am my favorite subject."

"At least you can admit it."

He sat back in his seat and crossed his ankle over his knee, balancing the binder on his leg. "Alright, let's have at it then. What's my favorite color?"

"Red." You said without hesitation. "Which is ironic now, all things considered." He ignored the quip about his vampiric state and you leaned over the seat, making your drink slurp obnoxiously. "You know? Because of the blood--"

"Yes, I get the joke, dear." He moved his finger down the page. "What am I allergic to?"

"Soy, gluten," you ticked off on your fingers before waving your hand. "And a whole spectrum of human emotion."

"Are you going to be like this the whole time?" He looked at you exasperatedly and you shrugged. He sighed and shook his head. "Where did I grow up?"

"Transylvania."

"Okay. I'm done." He snapped the binder shut and you almost felt bad...almost.

"No! Okay, okay, come on, Max. I'm sorry," you put your hand on his arm and he looked down at it, making you pull back like he had burned you. "Queens. You grew up in queens. See?"

"Well, you grew up in Sitka. One down. Only two hundred and ninety-nine more questions to go."

You groaned and threw yourself over Max's lap again and held up your finger. "Excuse me, Ma'am?" You hailed the attendant. "Another Bloody Mary, please."

"Will you please, get off of me?" Max said, and you finished your drink and gave his nose a playful tweak.

You plopped back into your seat and leaned back against the headrest. "Next question."

"Do I have any scars?" He turned in his seat to mirror you.

"You have a pretty bad one on your knee. I see it every time you have your meetings with Ted. A.K.A--racquetball." Max nodded, indicating that you were correct and you continued. "So, what's it from? College sports, I'm guessing. What pretentious, frat-boy sport did you play? Soccer? Lacrosse?" You gasped and put a hand to your mouth. "Ultimate Frisbee?"

"You're very funny." He sneered and shook his head. "And I'm not telling you."

"What about me, Max? Do I have any scars?" You switched up the game. Proving that you knew everything about him wasn't going to get you very far with the government unless he could return the favor.

"No," he leaned in and lowered his voice. "But I'm pretty sure you have a tattoo."

You choked on your drink and the action made him smile. Taking a deep breath and a moment to wipe the tomato juice off of your sleeve, you glared at him. "Pretty sure?"

"Yes, when you had the nerve to be out with the flu and they stuck me with that idiotic temp, she accidentally transferred one of your calls to me. It was to confirm that you wanted to cancel your appointment with a laser removal company." He balanced his chin on his palm and continued to give you a smug grin. He was enjoying this now and it was suddenly a lot less fun.

"What are you getting at detective Phillips?"

"So, what is it?"

"No way," you took another large sip and blushed, turning away from him. "I'm not telling you."

"You know they're going to ask. I have to know. Is it a dolphin? An infinity symbol?...'live, laugh, love'?" He gave a mock gasp and put a hand to his mouth. He was imitating your earlier jest about his scar. This was still a game to him and all you had managed to do was encourage it by baiting him.

"You know, I really am glad you're having fun with this, but do remember I could go to prison. Give me that--" you snatched the binder back from him and he let you have it. "Next question. Whose place do we stay at, yours or mine?"

"That's easy," he kicked back in his chair and folded his hands on top of his chest. The action made you realize just how long he was. Between his broad shoulders and impressive calves, he barely fit in the chair. It had to be the alcohol talking. "We stay at mine," he said simply, drawing your gaze from his body.

"Why wouldn't we stay at mine?"

"Because I live at Central Park West. And you no doubt live in some squalid little studio apartment full of houseplants and a dusty, lonely, wine rack that you never use, because it's for guests you never have." He waved his hand as if imagining it and your jaw dropped.

You stayed quiet and closed the binder placing it in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of him. The small bursts of moments when Max wasn't being an asshole, it was easy to forget how real this was. He was charming and you both threw it back at one another so easily that it felt like a game. But when his real nature came roaring back to life and his dig against you was just a tad too deep--well, you didn't want to play anymore.

"What are you doing? We have more."

You sucked the rest of your drink down and put it on the edge of the tray for the attendant to take.

"We should get some rest." You said flatly, pulling the thin airline blanket up over your shoulder. "Knowing my mother, she has a big dinner or something planned."

"Wonderful," he said, folding his hands across his chest as he settled back into his seat.

The two of you stayed quiet for the majority of the trip. You frequently looked over your shoulder to see if he was even still next to you, as he didn't make a sound when he breathed. It was unnerving but no doubt had something to do with him being undead. Did he even need to breathe? You had certainly seen him do it. Was it an act? Fuck all of this was going to send your family over the edge.

The last time you pulled back your silk, airline stamped eye mask, Max wasn't in his seat. His table tray was pulled down and sitting on top of it was a small black velvet box. You looked around but he was nowhere to be seen.

Your fingers traced the shape of the box gently before you picked it up and pried it open. The ring that sat inside was stunning. It was gold, with a few small diamonds in the band on each side before leading up to the main piece--a large teardrop ruby rimmed with more diamonds. You weren't sure if the red stone was meant to be a joke but regardless, it was actually very pretty.

It slid over your finger in a perfect fit and you watched it sparkle in the sunlight from the window over your shoulder. Despite your frustrations, you had to admit, Max Phillips continued to be full of surprises.

Seeing Max rattle in his cramped seat while the puddle jumper took you from Juno to Sitka brought you more joy than it should have. His broad shoulders were folded in on themselves as and he was glaring straight ahead like finding a fixed point on the wall would keep him from committing murder. You knew the flight wouldn't be long, and after the amount of Bloody Marys you had consumed on the last plane, you were too buzzed to care.

As soon as your feet stepped down off of the stairs and onto the tarmac, you saw your family, waving and jumping on the side of the airstrip with a 'welcome home' sign. Oh boy. Here we go.

"Chad! Talk to me, champ." Max said loudly and you turned around to see he had put in his Bluetooth. It made you roll your eyes and you didn't bother to wait for him as you started towards your relatives.

Your mother was soft and sweet and the joy you felt as she squealed and threw her arms around your neck couldn't compare to any other kind of happiness. She smelled like home and fresh baked bread, like holiday candles and clean laundry--things that made you think of home. She pulled back to look at you like you had grown so much since she last saw you, despite being practically the same, and you laughed as she kissed each of your cheeks.

"Oh, I missed you!" She said, hugging you again before passing you off to your grandmother.

"Missed you, too, Mom. Hey, Nana," you said as you stooped down to hug the older woman.

Your mom paused and pulled you back close enough to sniff the air in front of you. "Honey, have you been drinking?"

“Oh--” you leaned back and shook your head, which was a mistake as the world spun just a little bit. “Of course not. There was a guy on the plane and he--”

"We don’t care about any of that," Your grandmother waved a hand to stop your mom from continuing to make a fuss over you. "Where's your man??"

You stopped breathing for a moment as you were suddenly reminded that you were lying to the people who loved you the most. With a bite of your lip, you looked over your shoulder and gestured to Max who was slowly making his way over to you and still talking on his earpiece.

"That's him, the one in the suit."

"Oh, my," your mom said, lowering her welcome sign and taking in the sight that was your boss and now assumed lover.

"You've been keeping that from us for five years?" Nana said as she elbowed you in the ribs and your mother glared at her. “He seems a bit overdressed.”

“Yeah,” you said, glancing down at your leggings, warm boots, and well worn over sized sweater in comparison to Max’s custom blue suit and silk tie. You hoped to god that Max had brought more suitable clothes for what was supposed to be a relaxing family oriented week in Alaska. “He does, doesn’t he?”

“Chad--I think I lost you. Can you hear me? Hello? Helloooo? Shit.” Max tapped the device in his ear repeatedly as he looked around like he would be able to see where there would be better signal. He had yet to acknowledge either you or your family and you clenched your fists at your side.

“Honey,” you said and Max had the audacity to hold up his finger to you as he continued to turn in a half circle. “Honey.” You tried again and finally you raised your voice curtly, “Max!”

“What?” he hissed and you reached up and took the earpiece out of his ear. It took everything you had not to turn and chuck it into the harbor. You gestured to your mom and grandmother and Max’s face changed into his large and inviting smile.

“We agreed not to bring work onto this trip, it’s family time, right?” You raised an eyebrow and he glared at you. “This is my mom and grandmother,” you gestured to them, keeping a firm hold on his Bluetooth and almost daring him to try and get it back.

“You won’t get any reception on that thing anyway, dear,” your grandma waved to Max and then around to the vast landscape. “Too many trees.” She took a few steps over to him and gave him a hug like he wasn’t a complete stranger. You had to give Max props, he hugged her back and managed not to look entirely uncomfortable as he silently worried she was going to wrinkle his suit. “Now, do you prefer to be called ‘Max’ or ‘Satan Reincarnated’? Because we’ve heard it both ways.” She laughed as she patted his chest and smiled up at him.

“Nana!” You looked at her wide-eyed and Max grinned from ear to ear. How was it that the elderly managed to get away with saying the most inappropriate things?

“Oh, have you?” he glanced at you and you felt your face get hot. “Max is fine. As long as I can call you Nana.” He continued to offer that grin that you knew to be his trademark salesman smile but it made your grandmother positively beam.

“Of course!” she said, patting his chest again and adjusting his pocket square. You ran a hand through your hair wanting to scream.

“Shall we?” You interjected and grabbed your suitcase with one hand and your mother’s arm with another. The two of you walked pointedly towards the edge of the pier and she looked at you with parental concern.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you reassured with a shake of your head, slowing down for Max and your grandma could catch up. “I’m just tired.” If you continued to lie this much you were certain your nose was going to grow pointed.

Your mother helped the elderly woman down the ladder that connected the main strip to the edge of the pier where the family speedboat was parked. The chill off of the water made you shiver, it was definitely coming up on winter time and with the constant overcast came icy waters and snow. Max was just lucky it wasn’t summer time as the non-stop sunlight would have been an issue.

Looking over the ladder and feeling your body sway without even being on the water, you were starting to regret the amount of drinks you had had on the plane. You put a hand to your lips as a small amount of indigestion came up to the middle of your throat. Max stopped beside you and held his hand out expectantly.

“I’ll take my headset back, thank you,” he snarled and you ignored him. “Are you going to be sick? Pull yourself together--”

“Pull myself together? Pull m--” you shook your head and slapped the small device into his hand. “Unbelievable, you’re unbelievable.”

“This is going to be a long fucking week,” he said, looking at the boat as your family settled in. “I’m not getting in that. I cannot get these wet. They’re Armani.” He gestured to his shoes and you vowed in that moment that if you did wind up vomiting, it would be on those shoes.

“Hence the boat,” you gestured. It was the only way of getting to the island that the tiny town resided on, you were happy to make him swim but somehow you doubted that would go over very well with your family. “Either you climb down or you can stay here and I’ll see you in a week--”

“Fine. Fine.” He stopped arguing and climbed down the ladder, hopping the last few rungs to land firmly on the pier. He held up his arms as you passed down the suitcases and tossed his shoulder bag to him and he placed them in the back of the boat. “Are you coming?” he added impatiently as you leaned heavily on the railing at the top of the ladder.

“Give me a minute,” you said through gritted teeth.

“I told you to eat something. You’re drunk--”

“I am not.” You argued with him, straightening your posture and turning around to climb down the ladder. You were going to prove him wrong even if it meant that you landed on your ass. It was simple, all you needed to do was put one foot down in front of the other and keep a tight hold. Rinse and repeat until your feet were firmly planted on the wooden boards--simple.

“Lookin’ good, sweetheart,” Max said, and you didn’t have to look to know he was staring up at your ass. “Those leggings are nice--are you wearing a thong?”

“Oh my god, shut up, Max,” you paused and leaned your head against the ladder, wanting to both strangle him and dive into the pier and let the ocean take you far away from the week ahead of you. After a few moments, you regained your sense of self and took a few more rungs down.

“Almost there,” he encouraged and you let out a heavy sigh. “There ya go--annnnd, congratulations. I am now five hundred years old.”

“Good for you, old man,” you quipped and tried to push passed him. Your boot caught on one of the loose boards and there was nothing to catch yourself on as you started to tumble. Despite refusing to admit that Max was right, maybe you should have eaten something. Your desperate attempt to forget your current situation was about to land you in the middle of the freezing gulf. You heard your mom gasp from the boat but instead of hitting the water, Max’s arm shot around your waist and pulled you back against his chest with ease.

You stumbled and grabbed the front of his suit coat as you tried to turn around and he tightened his grip. He looked down at you with a grin that was much different than the one he had been giving your family. “Got ya.”

“Nice going, Max!” your grandmother cheered and you knew there would be no living with him after this.

“Thank you,” you said curtly and tried to move from his arms but he didn’t release you.

“What, no kiss?” he smirked, keeping his voice low enough that your family couldn't hear him. “I did just save your life.”

“Let. go. of. me. Max.” You said through gritted teeth and you braced for him to force a kiss on you for the sake of your family, but to your surprise, he released you. The way he watched you as you climbed into the boat, all dark eyes and wide grin, sent a shiver down your spine.

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vrednic · 3 years

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COLLATERAL DAMAGE (PT. 2)

Teen Wolf x Vampire Diaries AU

Prompt: Teen Wolf, but with a twist. Scott McCall has a twin sister… and she falls in love with Derek Hale.

Summary: After Scott refuses to join his pack, Peter Hale turns Serena McCall into a werewolf. Will her transformation be for better… or for worse?

Word Count: 3,285

Author’s Note: This series will skim the events of seasons 1-3. I have a lot of content planned, so there will be some skipping around at certain points, but it will all work in unison, I promise! I hope you all enjoy part 2! Please let me know if you’d like to be added to my taglist. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading :)

*PART ONE IS HERE. *

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Werewolves.

The topic of lycanthropy was one I hadn’t visited since freshman year english. I thought back to the unit of Greek mythology, and how we had been assigned research projects on famous Greek myths. My english teacher gave us the liberty to choose our own myths, and I had naively chosen Lycaon of Arcadia. Lycaon, the king of Arcadia, attempted to trick Zeus into eating human flesh, testing to see if he was truly all-knowing. Angered by Lycaon’s blasphemous actions, Zeus punished Lycaon by turning him into a wolf.

Oh, the irony of it all.

For the past three weeks, I have been given gradual insight into the world of the supernatural. The full moon was fast-approaching, and I needed to learn everything I could as quickly as possible. I wasn’t yet sure how I felt about my transformation. I was amazed at how quickly I began noticing changes. Overnight, it seemed, my senses had been dialed up to a thousand. I was stronger, faster, and more confident. I could smell, hear, and sense things other people couldn’t. One of the most fascinating things about my newfound abilities was that my body’s healing process was nearly instantaneous. The only downside of it was that I had yet to experience the brutality of the full moon. I was afraid that I would see things differently after, that I’d realize that I’d never be able to control it. Would my supernatural powers really be worth being enslaved to an insatiable bloodlust every month? Would it be worth putting my friends and loved ones at risk, especially when one slip-up could mean death for any and all of them?

I had been training tirelessly with Scott every day since I was bitten. Before school, after school, and during free periods. He had effectively taught me how to make my claws appear and disappear at will, how to partially shift into my werewolf form, how to follow scents, how to decipher chemo-signals, and how to trigger the healing process of an injury using pain. I was impressed with my progress, but I knew that I had only been exposed to bits and pieces of the extensive supernatural spectrum that I was now a part of. I had always been good at the technical side of things, so I knew that learning the basics of lycanthropy wasn’t going to be an issue. I considered myself to be on the smart side-- I had no problem displaying resourcefulness or creativity or administering critical thinking in complex situations. One thing I wasn’t very good at, however, was regulating my emotions.

When our parents got divorced, Scott and I handled things very differently. He was always a mama’s boy, and I was a daddy’s girl. Our father was an alcoholic and a cheater; something I knew all too well, but was also something I wanted to remain oblivious to. I’m assuming this realization is what made it easier for Scott to hate him, to be okay with moving on without him. It was harder for me to cope with his absence because our dad had always been my rock -- my hero -- and I couldn’t picture him ever hurting anyone. Especially me.

The night my mom kicked my dad out of the house for good, he had come home drunk. He instigated an argument with her over something, as usual. But with them it was never just an argument; it always ended up with them screaming at each other. Scott and I shared a room back then, and it was located right by the staircase, which was where they happened to be arguing that night. Not surprisingly, their heated voices turned into shouts, and we were both awoken. We peered through a crack in the door as our parents fought. My dad could barely keep his balance; his cheeks were flushed, his eyes crazy, violent words spewing from his mouth fueled by intoxication. I remembered vividly how he had lost his composure and grabbed my mother by the neck, slamming her against the wall. I let out an audible gasp and stood frozen in horror. Scott flung the door open and rushed into the hall, immediately wedging himself between our mother and father. My dad grabbed Scott’s arm, attempting to pull him out of the way, but yanked my brother with too much force. He was flung against the railing of the staircase, and he tumbled down the stairs. He was unconscious at the bottom of the stairs for maybe 30 seconds, and when he came to, he didn’t remember a thing. My mother ushered us back into our room and put us into bed. I fell asleep crying that night, but I didn’t know exactly for whom I was crying. Had it been for my brother? Had it been for my mother? For the loss of my dad? Or was it for me?

I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye to him. I woke up the following morning, expecting him to be there, bags in tow, waiting to talk to us one last time. But he was already gone. I knew he didn’t deserve it, but I couldn’t help but miss him. When the plea for divorce was initiated, there was never a discussion about shared custody or visitations. Once the divorce was finalized, I knew that he was never coming back. It was because of his betrayal and abandonment that I grew up with issues when it came to trusting people. I was filled with this deep, aching feeling of isolation, and it made me angry. Very. As I grew older, I got better at suppressing it, but I knew that somewhere deep down, it was still there. With the full moon prodding and poking at my resolve and self control, I knew it was only a matter of time before those feelings resurfaced.

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The day of my first full moon, I felt the effects as soon as I got out of bed in the morning. I felt my heartbeat rising with every breath that I took. When I got to school, my senses immediately began to feel overstimulated. Everything was brighter, louder, and more jarring. The sound of the bell ringing made me feel like someone was hammering nails into my skull. The people I passed in the hallway blurred together, all of their emotions and scents hitting me like a door to the face. At lunch, the sound of people’s voices and laughter made me want to tear their heads off. I looked around the cafeteria, feeling myself grow angrier and angrier, for seemingly no reason at all. Rationally, I knew that these people had done nothing wrong. Emotionally, they were the piece of gum stuck under my shoe. My gaze locked on Jackson Whittemore, and I fantasized about how good it would feel to tear his tongue right out of his head. He had always been an asshole to my brother, so why shouldn’t I kill him? It would be extremely satisfying to watch the smug look on his face disappear as I stood over him, my hands drenched in his blood, as I began to tear him limb from limb…

“Uh, Serena? Are you okay?”

Scott’s voice brought me back to reality. I was suddenly overcome with anxiety as I realized the vile intrusive thoughts that I was just experiencing. What was the matter with me? This wasn’t me. I wasn’t a killer. Only, maybe that wasn’t exactly true anymore.

I nodded, fabricating a smile. “Yeah, no, everything’s great. I was just thinking about my research paper for… biology. It’s due tomorrow and I have no clue where to start.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “But remember that it’s perfectly okay for you to be feeling on edge today. It’s your first full moon and I promise nobody will blame you for not feeling or acting like yourself.”

I felt the tension in my shoulders ease ever-so-slightly. I nodded once more, reassuring him that I was in fact okay. I felt better knowing that out of all of the things that had changed, our sibling bond hadn’t. He’d be there with me to make me feel safe and to teach me control. Before long, I would be able to be just like him. I trusted him, and I knew he had faith in me. That meant only one thing: I had to have faith in me too.

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Later in the evening, as the sun was setting, I began feeling the effects of the full moon amplifying. My heartbeat was nearly erratic and Scott was nowhere to be found. I was in the bathroom, standing over the sink and looking at myself in the mirror. There was a flicker of golden yellow in my eyes, and I nearly sobbed out of pure anxiety alone. I balled my hands into fists, trying to focus on anything other than the impending sense of dread that I was experiencing. I felt a warm, slippery substance course down my wrist. Blood.

I opened my fist up, revealing four deep punctures on both of my palms, where my claws had dug into. The temporary flicker of pain was small, but enough to bring me out of the frenzy. I took this opportunity to set out to find Scott.

I didn’t remember the way to the Hale house all too well, but what I did remember was its scent. The smell of charred wood and smoke would be very hard to miss. I maneuvered my way through the darkness, making sure every step I took was careful and calculated. Scott had mentioned that Beacon Hills Preserve was littered with traps set by hunters. It was also a full moon, so I knew there would not be any shortage of hunters roaming around town tonight, hoping to catch and kill their next supernatural victim.

As if on cue, I heard voices from a distance. By the sound of it, there were maybe four or five of them, all men. I swallowed, trying to think of an escape plan. I couldn’t run. It was fall, and the weight of my body against the leaves on the ground would give my location away immediately. I could have hidden, but I knew that they probably had some sort of a thermographic camera. If they happened to get me in one of the shots, I would have considered myself dead.

I tried to weigh any and all other options, but I had none. The best chance at escape that I had right now was simply to run. They sounded far away enough so that even if they did hear me, my superhuman speed would give me an advantage. I decided that now was as good a time as any, and began moving. I tried to keep to the shadows, not daring to make any unnecessary sounds. I noticed too late that I had no idea where I was going. I looked around me, but I couldn’t pinpoint any familiar landmarks. I could have sworn that I was heading back in the direction I came, but judging by my surroundings, that wasn’t the case. I stopped for a moment, attempting to gather my thoughts.

“Come on, Serena,” I whispered to myself. “Think.”

I was jolted away from my thoughts when I saw a red light from my peripheral vision. I was frozen, completely unsure what to do. More red lights emerged from the darkness, pointing straight at me. Lasers. It was then that instinct spoke to me, telling me to run. And that’s exactly what I did.

I turned on my heel and bolted away from where the hunters had been. I didn’t take the time to care about the tracks or the noise I left in my wake. I had the advantage of speed, but they had the advantage of knowledge and experience. These were professional killers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew what move I’d make next even before I did. Through the commotion, I almost forgot why I had been in the woods in the first place. The fury of the full moon hit me, unforgiving. It was as if she allowed me only a few moments of peace before the storm. I looked up at the sky and the moon glimmered at its peak. Almost instantaneously I was overcome with an animalistic urge to go back and rip the head off of every single hunter that was on my trail.

My claws and fangs appeared as if by magic, and my eyes were aglow. I felt angry-- so angry. But it was that anger that gave me power. I felt strong… unstoppable. Against all rational thought, I turned back around, using my infrared eyes to see through the darkness. A few rows of trees ahead was where I spotted them. Two of them were kneeled down, examining the tracks that I had left behind, judging the direction I must have taken. The other three were behind them, standing guard. They looked around, weapons drawn, ready to fire at any given moment.

I growled. It was a sound that conveyed equal parts rage and purpose. I was hiding behind a tree, looking for the perfect moment to attack. Just as I was about to launch myself in their direction, a pair of hands snagged me from behind with tremendous force. Before I could growl or scream, the person used one hand to cover my mouth and tucked me against his chest, making sure our bodies were still shielded by the tree. I tipped my head back to see who it was, and was met with the fiery gaze of Derek Hale.

He broke eye contact first and peered over my head, trying to come up with an escape tactic. His stone cold composure made it clear that it wasn’t his first time evading death by the hands of werewolf hunters. I, on the other hand, was terrified. I felt an equal amount of shame and embarrassment once I realized how foolish I had been. It was a night of the full moon and I wasn’t in control, for one. I also felt extremely stupid for walking into woods that were infested with hunters; ones that wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet between my eyes. Another shame-inducing component was the fact that Derek just had to be the one to find me. I had gotten a brief description of him from Scott, so I knew that he was hardcore. He also hated liabilities, and at the moment, that’s exactly what I was.

“Now’s not the time to wallow in shame,” he whispered to me, his voice gruff. “If you hadn’t noticed, they’ve got us completely surrounded. It’s a miracle they haven’t seen us yet.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. “Don’t bother denying it. The smell of embarrassment is rolling off of you like a stench.”

Your commentary isn’t exactly helping, I wanted to say to him. But I knew better than to push his buttons, especially when we were on the brink of being discovered. I kept my back against the tree, waiting for further instructions. After a few minutes, Derek finally spoke again.

He lowered his mouth next to my ear, his warm breath sending a tingling sensation onto my neck and down my back. “On my signal, you run. I’ll stay behind and cause a distraction so you can get away.” He pointed behind him to another row of trees. “Run that way. Get out of the woods as fast as you can.”

Before I could get a word out, he was gone. He roared loudly, capturing the attention of the hunters that resided a few yards away. As they ran to him, he turned back to look at me, flashing his icy blue eyes. That was my cue. I took off running in the direction he had said. I heard the commotion of the fight almost the entire way. Growls and roars from Derek’s end were met with the sound of guns firing. I found myself secretly hoping that he would be okay, although in the back of my mind I knew he would be. He was Derek Hale, after all.

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I made it out of the preserve after only a handful of minutes of running. At the end of the treeline, right where the road started, a vehicle’s headlights cut through the darkness. The closer I got, the more details I could make out. It was a blue 1980 Jeep CJ5. Standing beside it were two silhouettes, both male. I let out a sigh of relief.

I jogged the rest of the way and launched myself into Scott’s arms. He squeezed me tightly and ushered me into the Jeep. Stiles drove onto the road, taking the route that led back to my house. Scott turned to look at me from the passenger’s seat.

“Why the hell were you in the woods?” He asked. His tone was firm but still held a touch of delicacy. We both knew it was more for my sake than his. “Didn’t I tell you about the hunters? The preserve is not a safe place for a werewolf on a night of a full moon. Argent and his hunters have memorized every square inch of those woods. You’re lucky Derek found you when he did. If he hadn’t, I’m sure Gerard would’ve turned you into a human kebab by now.”

I felt my throat tighten in frustration. “The imagery really isn’t necessary. I know what I did was stupid, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like I was losing control and you weren’t there, Scott!” My voice caught on his name, and I had to take a few moments to collect myself. “You weren’t there and, quite frankly, I have no one else to turn to on this. I don’t have a best friend like yours. I don’t have one that’ll pick up my call in the middle of the night and be willing to be a part of the world of the supernatural. I don’t have a best friend who’ll chain me up on a full moon and help me find restraint. I was all alone in my home, which I could have easily torn apart if I had lost control of myself tonight. I was counting on you to help me, and you weren’t there.”

The air was thick with tension. I could sense the sadness emanating from both Scott and Stiles. I felt guilty for taking all of my frustration out on my brother, but everything I said was true, and I wasn’t going to apologize for how I felt. Scott was a natural leader, and I admired that about him. Being a leader meant taking on responsibilities, and I understood that he wouldn’t be around all the time. Over the weeks following my transformation, I got a chance to see just how much people needed him. Peter wanted him in his pack. Derek wanted him as an ally. Stiles wanted him as a best friend. Hell, even the lacrosse team needed him as team captain. But tonight was the one night that I needed him. I needed my brother, and he wasn’t there.

“I’m so sorry, Serena. I can do better, I promise. If you’ll just let me--” he began.

“No,” I said, cutting him off. “I don’t want to talk. Just take me home.”

With that, I turned to face the window, looking at the blur of lights, cars, houses, and dark, desolate streets passing me by. Scott sighed, but he didn’t protest.

We rode in silence the entire way back.

TAGS

@broco8

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xianoquendo · 2 years

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A Year Wrapped: 2021 in Films

If there was a good thing 2021 has brought, in its whirlwind madness of span, one of it was certainly the reopening of cinemas! The closure of cinemas during 2020 has brought the indie in domination. With big studios pushing dates, there was a piling of films in VOD, streaming sites. Those things were not really a bad thing, but it certainly altered the nature of how we view films. It was nice to discover a lot of underground filmmakers or low-budget films breaking the mainstream and taking the spotlight but there was that feeling of missing the grandiosity of blockbusters and film festivals. Thus, the reopening of the cinemas last year felt like a grand comeback! Like a rain after a long drought! There was an electric lifting of spirits through the revival of film festivals and award circuits. 2021 definitely swung so high and reached the clouds! From the Cannes rolling its carpet again to superhero films being a thing again in titles such as Eternals, Venom: Let There Be Carnage and Spiderman: No Way Home. The piled 'pushed dates' dropped all at once, giving us long-awaited tentpoles like Dune, No Time To Die, Annette, The French Dispatch and many more. We're on full spectrum!

Anyone who says 2021 was a bad year for film definitely hasn't just seen enough. It's in the returning grand film festivals that most of the jewels last year lurked. Cannes definitely wasn't shy to boast a lot of magnificent crafts, and so is the case with Venice, Sundance and many more. Certainly, my favorite part last year was the resurgence of international films through these festivals. You can notice the pattern in my list as most of the top films are international titles. Local fests like the annual QCinema opened a door for us to experience such titles in the big screen, with its magnificent line up this year, mostly movies from different film festivals globally. And then, of course, there were also a few gems in streaming sites like Netflix, Amazon and Apple+. The remaining major award-giving bodies this year proves to be thrillingly more diverse because of last year. 2021 was surely a good year for film!

Now, after all those blabbering, you can continue on reading another set of my blabbering about the top films I've seen from last year. Ranked as objective as I could! (Or at least I tried)

16. Happening, dir. Audrey Diwan

In Audrey Diwan's thrilling and gripping Golden Lion winner of last year's Venice Film Festival, the world is bleak for young women suffering under the men-centric world of 60s. Anamaria Vartolomeis' doe eyes captivates anyone with the right empathy to feel the pain she portrays, being a pregnant teen in race with time to have an abortion (in a time and place where it is illegal to have one). One moment, her face is painted in fear and confusion, then in a flash, she's rebellious, unbothered and hedonistic. Diwan captures Annie Ernaux's short memoir in a striking tone that evokes a sense of urgency and relevance to the current times. It doesn't shy away in giving hostility. A woman in affliction of balancing academic tension, youthful nuisances and social peril. One will flinch and sweat. By the last string of miserable events, there is a sobering and empowering realization.

15. The Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy, dir. Ryusuke Hamaguchi

There is an air of mystical aura in the mundane conversations that Hamaguchi create. In his first film for 2021 (the more gentle one, just before his grand Drive My Car), he details three tales about human connection: an unexpected love triangle, a seduction trap, and an unexpected friendship between two strangers that mistaken each other as someone they know. With a subtle hint of oddity mixed with lush emotions, Hamaguchi keeps the audience fascinated and touched at the same time. An endearing study of complex relationships and beauty on everyday lives. There are so much emotions within just three conversations. Fully empathetic, graceful and deeply humane... In one scene, a woman begs a man to promise her that he would pleasure himself on her voice.

14. Mark, Mary + Some Other People, dir. Hannah Marks

Every year, I obsess over one random indie kooky teenager movie. Last year it was Brian Duffield's Spontaneous, and I guess this year it's this movie! Only few movies touch the topic of open relationship, more so handle it so well. But with Hannah Marks' contemporary and slick humor in this one, she has handled it so effectively without compromising fun and information. Mark and Mary ventures the good and bad parts of an ethical non-monogamy relationship in an entertaining, and sometimes dramatic, way. The characters elicit a progressive and millennial air of youth that fits today's generation. Not to mention how many cool songs it feature and pin-drop in the span of its runtime! I just love its humor and charm so much!

13. Passing, dir. Rebbecca Hall

Venturing the tale of a woman of color passing as white in 1920s, Rebecca Hall has crafted a poetic piece here— in both appearance and feeling. The sharp camera angles and movements matched with the over-contrasted black and white, and pairing it with piano and trumpet scoring? Glorious. It's hard to think that this is her directorial debut. She handled the matter of turmoil in identity and racial tension with grace. And though one would wish she lingered with that matter (especially racial tension) until the end instead of wandering into ambiguous drama, there are still these delicate moments when Ruth Negga and Tessa Thompson's characters interact or shed feelings that make up for that: the way they close their eyes, feel the air, cry and look at each other. A subtleness and grace that is so hard to achieve in film yet so rewarding once witnessed. A real melodrama because of the two actresses' power. No one will ever simply get over with the last scene. So haunting.

12. CODA, dir. Sían Heder

As a CODA (Child of Deaf Adults) and the only hearing person in her deaf family, the main protagonist Ruby, puts herself in a dilemma of pursuing her love for music or aiding her parents. The result is a glorious and touching coming-of-age and self-discovery. Heder's creation feels like a piece genuinely oozing with love on its handling of deafness as a disability. I'm not a fan of family lovey-dovey dramas, but this one was just so tender that it naturally feels so fresh, warm and life-changing. I think a film is nothing less than powerful when it could break an almost-apathetic person like me (who naturally hates "I love my family" themes), and make me appreciate what I have. Joni Mitchell's 'Both Sides Now' will never be the same for anyone after this. Prepare tissues.

11. The Power of The Dog, dir. Jane Campion

News have been swarming over Campion since the start of the awards season. They all air the same sentiment: Campion is back and she will dominate! And they may certainly be right. The Power of the Dog is so mistifyingly good! In Campion's subtle nuances, she has crafted a poetic grand juxtaposition. She examines the softness in rough masculinity and the violence hidden behind gentle behavior by making the two elements meet: Phil and Peter. In an amazing study of masculinity and power using Cumberatch and Smit-McPhee's magnetic performances, Campion has broken the ground. The additional layer of chemistry, built up in a finessed grace, adds a pleasing and mistifying aura to it. Truly, you kill your enemy by making them love you. The unraveling in the last act of the film is nothing less than glorious and shivering-good! Campion is coming for that Oscar, you better believe it.

10. C'mon C'mon, dir. Mike Mills

Mike Mills continues to be one of the most fascinating contemporary directors out there who could capture emotions with great sentimentality and beauty. C'mon C'mon is a dazzling exploration of gaps between adults and children— the difference in the outlooks of the two. And you get to view it both in the lens of a kid and an adult, brought by Joaquin Phoenix and Woody Norman's alluring performances. It's a story of a deeply humane and affectionate connection between an uncle and a nephew in the backdrop of the contemporary America. This is the kind of film that puts your faith back in humans. It airs a voice that there is certainly hope in our youth, as they are the future.

9. The Hand of God, dir. Paolo Sorrentino

It's the different tales that Sorrentino merge in this film that makes it work as a formal coming-of-age. A teenager exploring life in Italy at its different aspects and the people surrounding him. The disorienting folkloric elements and bizarre sensuality add a surreal facet— things that disturb you at first, but as you get used to it, beauty springs out. The first half is a burst of colorful familial relationships; the view of an extended family makes it monumental and even a promising study of relations. Of course, one needs patience in familiarizing the many and rich characters, but once you get there, it pays off. By the second half, Sorrentino turns the film into an ode to his dream of entering cinema when he was young— as the main protagonist, Fabie, learns to love it. As a director, Sorrentino spins his pain into gold mystifyingly... Italian cinema is bizarre and beautiful!

8. The French Dispatch, dir. Wes Anderson

The French Dispatch marks Anderson's most explorative yet in terms of technicalities. We witness his first hand-held camera scene in quite possibly his whole career (I think so?), his first non-stop-motion animation (I think so too?), and also a new nuance of shifting from black and white to colored repeatedly, which works so well even in its randomness. All of these make the visuals stronger: every frame, like a masterpiece. Anderson is really trying to reach new heights here. But despite the grandiosity of these new aspects, The French Dispatch simply just plays as an endearing love letter to journalism and its wonders. Despite being more laid back than his previous works, with toned down characters and emotions, its simplicity still builds multitudes of wonder in its structure of three different feature stories. Each of these with its own charms and messages. Art and love; Youth and revolution; Crime and culture. This film is simply, (without the bias of being an Anderson fan and a journalism student), cute, charming and funny. By the end of the film, the audience are just simply oath to remember how fundamental the role magazines and newspapers play in our lives: to make our lives colorful! And this film is dedicated for those who make it happen.

7. Spencer, dir. Pablo Larraín

Nothing is not yet testified and broadcasted about Pablo Larraín's new masterpiece. From Kristen Stewart sweeping all the critics' trophies and approval up to Claire Mathon's stunning cinematography, everything seems to work so well under Larraín's hands. Spencer blends history with fiction in a way that effectively makes a ghastly psychological nightmare. It stands dignified as a warning on the perils of suppression just to follow tradition—and for that, it gives justice to Diana. It's dreamy but casually feels so claustrophobic even with its wide rooms and landscapes. This is a sign of how effective Larraín has handled Diana's case even in the decision of just portraying it all in one holiday with the Royal Family. Everything feels so suffocating in its tamed tension. The standards, the pressure, the watching eyes— demands to be felt in Stewart's portrayal of agony. A true horror. And that final act— it's like learning how to breathe again.

6. Procession, dir. Robert Greene

Perhaps the most sobering and powerful documentary created last year. Greene creates a documentary about six sexually abused men finding empowerment in creating short films inspired from their trauma. The narratives of these men radiate so much power in the reclamation of places and memories that once haunted them. The process was not easy, especially in the fact that they were all abused by Catholic clergies, but the journey was certainly reflexive and revelatory. This is a very graceful exploration of trauma and faith. The film projects that bold notion of finding power in trauma and turning it into a narrative, a weapon and a beacon of hope. It redefines a victim into a survivor. There are certainly no dry eyes after the film.

5. Dune, dir. Dennis Villeneuve

What else is left to say about Dune? Monumental? Spectacular? Grand? Psychedelic? Classic? Everything has pretty much been said about Dune, and they are all right, it is monumental. Villeneuve has already proven that he is a master of sci-fi a long time ago with Arrival and Bladerunner 2043, but he just continues to prove it anyway. Dune lives up to its promise and premise, bringing back the crowd's faith to quality, grand-spectacle, mainstream and blockbuster sci-fi. It may start out a bit tedious at first with its countless elements, but it gives out a glorious reward when you finally understand it. Hans Zimmer never disappoints with his celestial scoring. The brutalist landscapes and over-the-top machines give overwhelming rushes. The runtime is totally justified. Watch this in the cinema and it would probably make you wet... not just because of Oscar Isaac but because of all the visuals.

4. The Worst Person in The World, dir. Joachim Trier

Trier's newest craft is personally the best film I've ever seen last year as I was able to feel a deep resonance towards it. But since we are trying to add a little objectivity here, I think it would do just great sitting at number 4. Trier's addition to his humanistic catalogue is a charismatic exploration of adulthood, specifically the span of late 20s and early 30s. There is a streak of narcissism in the concept that Julie, the main protagonist of the film, views herself as the worst person in the world, in the light of her wrong decisions in life. She spends her college life jumping from one program to another until she settles on an unsure job. She argues with her lover and ponders about her what-ifs all the time, setting herself in constant existential crisis. She gets high on psychedelic mushrooms. She's always worried that she's not living her best life. She's fickle, envious, insensitive and self-centered. But in reality, she's not really that bad. She reflects the stages a human would ought to pass in turning into an adult. Yes, she's bad for breaking hearts and jumping through feelings carelessly, but don't we all typically and casually do those things as we grow up? Trier, with his direction, reflects the tumultuous journey so well in the backdrop of social turmoils, economic unrest and generational trends. He studies love, youth, infidelity and many more, in way. Renate Reinsve gives an acting glory, definitely worthy of a Cannes Best Actress, but make no mistake as Anders Danielsen Lie also gives an explosively emotional take as a supporting actor. If you're bound to face the 30s, let this film be your subtle guide.

3. Memoria, dir. Apichatpong Weerasethakul

Arthouse films are usually a hit or miss, but Thailand's blessing to cinema, Apichatpong Weerasethakul, certainly doesn't miss. Every piece is a celestial exploration of life, built in the merging of supernatural and human-mundanes, from the 2010 Cannes Palme d'Or winner 'Uncle Boonme Who Can Recall His Past Lives' up to his recent ones like 'Cemetery of Splendor'. Memoria is no exception. The Cannes Jury Prize winner is a sensory journey about existence, memories and paranoia, brought to a whole new level by Tilda Swinton's disoriented main protagonist. In part, it is about a woman haunted by a loud boom of sound that she constantly hears. While this happens, she's also attempting to understand the world around her as a foreigner in Colombia, exploring the culture and its people. But by the end, after all the heavy silence and weird encounters, you will be brought to higher celestial enlightening as Tilda's character navigate through the beauty of connections and pain in existence. The ambiguity enhances the emotions in this case. The sound hypnotizes you to understand a certain emotion: sorrow, confusion, fear and everything in between. Feel it not just with your eyes, but hear the aura too.

2. Bergman Island, dir. Mia Hansen-Løve

Chris, the screenwriter protagonist of the film, really likes writing but at the same time, she really hates it... and that for me, speaks a lot to my soul. Something about Chris' character defines a quintessential writer. She says that Ingmar Bergman's films only give her sadness and agony, but she likes it and she's not sure why. She's both sure and unsure. Passionate but also tired. Full but at the verge of emptiness. Constantly haunted by her craft, both in a good way and in a bad way. Vicky Krieps portrays that in full gravitas. Mia Wasikowska matches that with her graceful take as a screenplay character... There is magic in Bergman Island that pictures the process of writing so perfectly. It positions itself as a story about film and writing but shows it through a story about a fickle love. It's about finding inspiration and learning how to confront it when you finally have it in you. It's a case of 'a story within a story' handled so well. Everyone will love how Hansen-Løve blurred the lines between the two stories by the end of the film: the writer and the screenplay being written. It's like a confrontation of an artist and her art. An intertwining and living of her own craft. It's almost just like how the usual Bergman films end: in between reality and fiction... There's just too much passion and beauty in it. It's also an amazing feat how beside from the amazing narrative, the film still shines as a successful tribute to Ingmar Bergman and his place. Bergman, himself, plays a fundamental role of getting the characters intact and defining them. I just wish I explored more of Bergman's filmography before watching this... I've only seen Persona.

1. Titane, dir. Julia DuCournau

DuCournau has created a divine complex with Titane. The most thrillingly unique and ingenious film of 2021. Fuck the Academy for snubbing this masterpiece! But I'm glad that Cannes is starting to appreciate such bold and chaotic films, by awarding this the Palme d'Or. In Titane, DuCournau has paralleled body horror to love, womanhood and what it means to be a human. With the help of an exorbitant acting from Agatha Rousselle and a delicate one by Vincent Lindon, everything just goes so fluid in a hot mess. It's a complete ride of brutal, gross and wild but also tender, funny and graceful. How many directors can do that? It's filled with so much extremities; from having sex with a car to bleeding diesel in a bathroom. One may not understand completely what's happening, but you can definitely feel it with so much intensity; every vicious stab, so vivid, and every slow dance soaked in tenderness. When it's wild, it's wild like a fire. When it's tender, it's tender like a breeze. And when it's both, it's everything! Titane is the perfect revelatory explosion of 2021!

Yet to be seen...

The mutation of the pandemic into different forms still puts the cinemas at fluctuation when it comes to opening its doors and presenting more titles. Some films don't even reach third world countries when it comes to distribution. This, of course, includes the Philippines. With this, my trust for Torrent has never been more stronger, but still, one can get impatient... Here is a list of some films that I am yet to see. Some of these may or may not alter my initial list of top films for last year...

Licorice Pizza, dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

Drive My Car, dir. Ryusuke Hamaguchi

Parallel Mothers, dir. Pedro Almodóvar

Flee, dir. Jonas Poher Rasmussen

King Richard, dir. Reinaldo Marcus Green

What Do We See When We Look at The Sky?, dir. Alexandre Koberidze

After Yang, dir. Kogonada

Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn, dir. Radu Jude

The Novice, dir. Lauren Hadaway

I Was A Simple Man, dir. Christopher Makoto Yogi

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bootlegsymphony · 4 years

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Being Hopeful [a *personal* Komahina writeup]

*major Danganronpa 2/2.5/3 spoilers ahead*

Someone told me to gather my thoughts into a post so here it is.

Note: Unless you’re up for a challenge to potentially reshape your opinions towards certain ships, if you think Komahina is by default a toxic ship in anyway shape or form, or if you firmly believe that Hinanami is “bestest Hinata ship OTP owo”, it’s not in your best interest to read this post. I’m not suggesting you are invalid or wrong, but you’re likely not the group of people I’m looking forward to having a constructive and evoking conversation with.

First off, I might have been recognized as an avid Komahina shipper, and my opinions towards Hinanami could be generally summarized as ambivalent/mixed/minorly favourable. I was able to acknowledge Hina/Nami’s relationship as of roughly equivalent significance in regard to DR2’s theme.

But it was impossible for me to consider the two relationships narratively equal, I was able to notice that Koma/Hina was a “meant to be” endgame relationship right of the bat, yet Hina/Nami reads as this transitory experience of an obscure puppy love, or “yeah that happened” that’s melancholic and beautiful. Evidently, the narrative strongly favoured Koma/Hina in terms of screentime, development, complexity, compatibility, and endgame potentials.

I wasn’t too confident about why Komahina screams an ultimate destination of a Hinata relationship to me, yet Hina/Nami never convey a remotely similar message. In many aspects, I didn’t ship Komahina in the past for the sake of “I want Komaeda to savour happiness” but placed more emphasis on “it would be wise for Hinata if he could ascertain that his future is with Komaeda”. However I couldn’t elucidate why I thought so.

But due to some unexpected changes in my personal life, it was so effortless for me to reach an epiphany why Hinanami couldn’t quite be the same Hinata-OTP as Komahina. And now I’m kicking myself for not being able to be more adamant about it earlier.

In short, I had a brief taste of how “true bond” or “true connection” functions. It was an estranged, uncharted experience to me prior to that “sudden change”. And in retrospect it’s unimaginable how I survived that bitter life of pure bleakness without it. But since I was able to discern the characteristics of a “true bond”, Koma/Hina, while being excruciatingly complicated and bitter in canon timeline, had a great foundation for that nonetheless, while Hina/Nami was, fundamentally “deficient” in this specific department.

Hina/Nami, either the DR2 or DR3 iteration, doesn’t go beyond being a fine relationship. It’s not bad, as adolescent crushes are typically not bad. It’s functional and somewhat sweet if Hinata was just some normal shy boy who at some point met a nice caring pretty girl. But a great, monumental relationship doesn’t come from being just fine, and Hinata is much more messy than a such-and-such average joe as what a part of the fandom preferred to project him as.

But Hinata wasn’t an adequate rival and foil for Komaeda, that ridiculously multilayered character likely in all fictions for nothing.

For starter, Hinata committed Izuru Kamakura and countless war crimes, for fuck’s sake.

I had this pessimistic outlook that humans aren’t truly designated at birth to understand each other unless they are. Real life Nanami being the talented, worthy Ultimate Gamer she was, even if she could acknowledge and validate Hinata’s struggles as a talentless person, and brought him some temporary comfort and solace, she could not understand the full spectrum of complications the struggle itself entails. Being the kind and somewhat compassionate person she was, she’d try to understand Hinata if he ever decided to open up, but she’d likely just go “yeah talent doesn’t really matter you should just be confident in yourself” as long as she’s not some Ultimate Empath like Makoto (or Junko) all at the same time. To her, Hinata’s decision to Izuru-fy is unfavorable, but not particularly tangible.

It’s somewhat similar to a moderately affluent person not knowing what an impoverished/economically-challenged life entails, they could never understand why it’s necessary for anyone to opt for crimes and prostitution and shit, if you could just “yeah money doesn’t matter you should be happy” your way out of it. Why is it necessary to choose a life path of crimes and prostitution? Why is it necessary to Izuru-fy oneself? It’s the perpetual predicament of mutual understanding in humankind. No matter how sweet and wholesome on the surface that ship appeared, Nanami would hardly ever reach Hinata’s soul beyond skin-deep, if the talent/worth debate, the rigorous societal expectations, the everlasting emotional quagmire of being under-loved and under-appreciated...everything which gradually carved out Hinata’s pivotal character (that we know of) from his embryo, was a non-issue to Nanami at core.

If there was a portion of Hinata yearning for true connection in an intimate relationship (which I doubt he didn’t), his relationship with Nanami would eventually turn insufficient or dissatisfactory, despite feeling nice on the exterior.

Normally, people don’t realize they’re empty until they’re fulfilled.

But who else struggled immensely with the entanglement between talent and worth throughout their life? Who else once resolved to obliterate their own precious being in pursuit of an almost delusional ideal of hope as Hinata did, so that they could potentially speak to Hinata on the deepest, hidden stratum of his soul?

Komaeda.

It always pains me to read Komaeda’s first FTE where he suggested Hinata’s ultimate talent could be “Ultimate Serenity” because Hinata granted him some inner peace “just by being there”. Knowing Komaeda’s mind it’s a nearly impossible feat to make him feel peaceful. Komaeda likely didn’t even consider that a legitimate talent, he inwardly viewed Hinata “being there” as inherently valuable but he couldn’t even tell. Yet Hinata failed to just, be there, be existent.

And, I always considered Komaeda sustaining himself being alive to be a monument on its own, yet 2-5 happened, for Hope, I believed.

I once had a mentally stimulating talk about how emotional and intellectual transparency lead to a solid foundation of “true love” among people with someone before. They even expressed, months ago, that if Hinata could just speak up about his problems with Nanami he wouldn’t have necessarily Izuru-fied himself.

Yet even being the aloof and reserved fucker he was, Hinata wouldn’t camouflage himself in front of Komaeda. Komaeda saw through him even if he was having a hard time deciding on how he should have felt himself. He voiced, various times throughout DR2, that “we have similar scents” “I thought you would understand me” “we’re both miserable bystanders” “I couldn’t see you as completely separate from me”. On the surface it seemed like Komaeda was being cryptic and dragging Hinata to his level, but given how we knew Hinata took even more drastic measures as escapism, were they even that different?

It was why exactly Komahina dynamic was so embittered and resentful in the canon timeline. It was not hatred, but involuntary intimacy. Hinata was emotionally stripped naked (sorry, not to evoke any erotic visualizations, just a convenient metaphor) when it’s not even Komaeda’s intention, and Komaeda’s always emotionally naked. It didn’t turn out well not because it was a fundamentally dysfunctional dynamic, but they simply met each other in the worst, most despairful and unluckiest timeline possible. With continuous manslaughters ongoing, it’s only palpable that baring your soul to someone as dangerous as Komaeda would be intimidating, but it still had that mesmerizingly entrancing aura, especially in Komaeda’s last FTE.

They had no choice of not knowing each other well.

Unless either of them died, which they both did. But an ultimate future was born and they were granted a second chance to finally reach the destination they deserved.

In a post-HPA scenario, Komahina was not only somewhat contextually implied as Hinata’s endgame, but it was deliberately set up as a generally hopeful relationship as well. Kodaka once suggested in an interview that post-HPA Hajizuru inherited Hinata’s emotions, so that he was able to sort out his considerably complex feelings for Komaeda as it left off; meanwhile with Izuru’s analytical skills and insights into human psychology, it would likely become not as cumbersome. With Hinata’s determination and persistence it would hopefully not only cure Komaeda’s terminal illnesses, but also “heal” Komaeda from his hope fetish and other cruddy coping mechanisms, with all the support and dedication Hinata could provide. Hinata, being emotionally identical to his past self, would likely occasionally experience insecurity and low self-esteem as well, and it could require Komaeda’s weird little method of presenting challenges/creating minor inconveniences for Hinata in order to help him build up self-agency and develop infallible self-assurance.

It’s kind of the Ultimate Love that survived all the trials and tribulations, and to think of that the Ultimate Tragedy gave birth to the Ultimate Love, huh, seems about right for our two Ultimate Lucks.

#nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #komahina #komahinawriteup #Komaeda Essay Club #dr2meta #danganronpa2

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wiseabsol · 3 years

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WA Reviews “Dominion” by Aurelia le, Chapter 15: Lost

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6383825/15/Dominion

Summary: For the Fire Nation royal siblings, love has always warred with hate. But neither the outward accomplishment of peace nor Azula’s defeat have brought the respite Zuko expected. Will his sister’s plans answer this, or only destroy them both?

Content Warnings: This story contains discussions and depictions of child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and incest. This story also explores the idea that Zuko’s redemption arc (and his unlearning of abuse) is not as complete as the show suggested, and that Azula is not a sociopath (with the story having a lot of sympathy for her). If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, I would strongly recommend steering clear of this story and my reviews of it.

Note: Because these were originally posted as chapter reviews/commentaries, I will often be talking to the author in them (though sometimes I will also snarkily address the characters). While I’ve also tried not to spoil later events in the story in these reviews, I would strongly recommend reading through chapter 28 before reading these, just to be safe.

Now on to chapter 15!

CHAPTER 15: LOST

Alright, I’m a little late on this one, so let’s just dive into the ugly sadness of “Chapter 15: Lost,” shall we?

The A/N mentions that Toph, Suki, and Sokka will be back in five or six chapters, and a part of me can’t help but think, “Good, you three are distracting us from the Surround Sound Stereo Angst for the Royal Fire Family.” Joking aside, I am looking forward to Toph’s character development later on, because even though I know some of what is going to happen in future chapters of “Dominion,” I legitimately don’t think that Aurelia and I have discussed Toph’s arc yet. It’s a blind spot for me, but I’m okay with that, since I want to have some surprises in the wings, rather than just enjoying how X and Y parts are executed. Both ways of reading this story are fun, but the former is more enjoyable for reader in me, rather than the editor.

If the outline mentioned in chapter fifteen is still accurate, then that means that we have seven chapters left of “Dominion” at present, before we move on to “Thrones.” That number might be off, though, because Aurelia tends to be more verbose than she expects and has to split the chapters into multiple parts.

On to the chapter itself. Ty Lee and Mai are meeting in a sitting room. Ty Lee is nervous and Mai wonders if Ty Lee thinks that she’s mad at her, but Ty Lee hastens to reassure her. Mai’s aura indicates that she’s anxious and struggling to maintain control during this conversation. Mai is upset about “Zuko’s mistake,” but she doesn’t blame Ty Lee for it—she knows who to blame (Azula, probably, but maybe both her and Zuko). Mai doesn’t think that it was a bad idea for Zuko to team up with June, because the bounty hunter will track Azula down in short order and have her back in custody.

Ty Lee is not enthused about this idea. Despite knowing that Mai isn’t going to like it, she tells Mai that Azula shouldn’t be put back into the asylum. As trash of a human being as J. K. Rowling is, I can’t help but think of the quote, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.” Ty Lee, you are the overlooked and unsung hero of this story. There should be shrines in your honor.

Mai never likes it when Ty Lee brings up Azula, and usually deflects the conversation. Ty Lee also sees Mai less than she sees Azula, so they don’t get much of a chance to talk anyway. “Ty Lee still felt a little guilty about that, but Mai was always so busy, and Mai and Zuko would never even talk about Azula when she was the one who brought them all together in the first place….”

A few things here. Ty Lee and Mai are maybe a little like Ty Lee and Zuko, in that they call each other friends, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is putting in the effort to be friends. Mai could be making more time for Ty Lee. Mai could be trying to empathize with Ty Lee over the Azula issue. At the same time, I think Mai has been trying to set a boundary with Ty Lee about Azula, but either Mai hasn’t made it clear enough to Ty Lee that this is a boundary, or Ty Lee isn’t able to respect it because Azula is so important to her. It seems like there are competing needs at work here, and the feelings on both sides are valid.

At the same time, this situation has been festering for years. It’s clear that Mai has never been at peace with her feelings towards Azula, and that this is hurting her as much as it’s going to hurt Azula. I think Mai’s hatred for Azula is founded on the love she once had for her. While a large part of her might think that Azula deserved her fate, and even found it satisfying to see Azula brought low, there might also be a small part of her that wonders if that fall was partially her fault (it was, since Mai accidentally slammed down on Azula’s triggers), and feels guilty for it and for feeling that satisfaction. Also, from the way she’s been behaving, Mai might very well have been just as toxic and false a friend to Azula as she accuses Azula of being to her. She didn’t communicate her needs or desires to Azula, but instead let herself boil alive with resentment. She might blame Azula for how things went down, but she’s ignoring the role she played in it.

As the conversation continues, Ty Lee dances around why it would be bad to send Azula back to the asylum (because Azula is pregnant), and Mai says, “‘She tell you they abused her? And here I thought it was her dad.’”

Which brings another layer into this. I’m going to discuss this in more detail later, but Mai has now been confronted with the idea that Azula was an abused child—just as abused as Zuko was. And besides this recontextualizing Azula’s behavior, now Mai is left to wonder, “How did I never notice?” I think there’s a tiny part of her, one that she denies, that is appalled over what happened to Azula.

Ty Lee, who loves Azula whole-heartedly, is HORRIFIED by this revelation. She feels like the ground is “rushing up to hit her” and remembers how Ozai treated her, the last night she spent in the castle as a kid. And then she…well: “But Azula was so strong, she wouldn’t let anyone do that to her, would she? At least she would have told Ty Lee, they were best friends!” Oh Ty Lee, honey. That’s not how abuse works. Azula wouldn’t have told anyone, both because she was ordered not to by her abuser, but also because that would have meant being vulnerable around someone else. Does that sound like something Azula would do?

Mai says that Azula must have been lying about the abuse, but the thing is, Azula didn’t tell Mai about it. Zuko did. And even Mai doesn’t really believe it is a lie, if Ty Lee’s aura-reading is accurate. Mai’s just trying really hard to believe in her own lie. Mai argues that Ty Lee only ever sees the good in people—which isn’t true, since Ty Lee can see the flaws in people, but is more forgiving of them than the other characters are (except for Aang). Mai wonders if Ty Lee has convinced herself that there’s goodness in Azula where there is none.

And that’s…a lot. Because there’s a mix of good and bad in everyone. Some people lean more towards one end of the spectrum than the other, but if you look hard enough, you’ll always find something that humanizes even the most saintly or heinous of people. My stepmother, who was emotionally and psychologically abusive, wasn’t pure evil. She made my father happy. She was fiercely protective of those she loved. She made the best oatmeal cookies in the world and shared my passion for sappy romances. I’ve progressed enough in my healing that I can see these things, and see her as a troubled person who made mistakes and never got the help she needed. But Mai…she hasn’t healed the way I have. She hasn’t forgiven Azula. She might never be able to do that, either, given recent events (and she doesn’t have to—that’s her choice to make). And as long as that’s the case, it’s so much easier for her to demonize Azula, because if Azula is a demon, then Mai doesn’t have to grapple with the messy reality of Azula as a person, or grapple with how Ozai’s, Zuko’s, and Mai’s own choices damaged her.

Then we get this passage, which I’m going to quote in full, because it’s a slap in the face to absolutist thinking where Azula is concerned:

“‘I know she did some bad things, some awful things even, but that was four years ago and she was just a kid! We all were!’ [Ty Lee] argued [ . . . ] ‘And most of that stuff she did on her dad’s orders, and who knows what he would’ve done if she refused—’

‘Oh yes, poor helpless little victim,’ Mai interrupted coldly, rising to her feet with more grace than Ty Lee. ‘It’s not like she ever had a choice.’

‘She had a choice, but this stuff makes a difference, Mai!’ Ty Lee insisted, desperate to make her see it. ‘It makes a difference how we judge what she did! And we know now she was crazy!’ Ty Lee seized on the horrible truth with more enthusiasm than she would ever have guessed, spreading her hands to offer explanation. ‘Doesn’t that make a difference to you?’”

Context. Matters. It matters so much when you’re judging someone’s behavior. If someone is under duress, or isn’t fully in their right mind, or if they have no good choices, can we really blame them from making bad ones? And in Azula’s case, she was a child. Should she really have been written off by anyone, let alone our heroes?

Mai doesn’t believe that Azula was mentally ill, though. That was just a part of Azula’s scheme, you see. Ty Lee is rightly appalled by this. “‘Even if—you thought she just made it up—to avoid prison or something,’ she grasped at the logic only loosely, because it was disgusting, ‘you can’t deny what it did to her! She starved herself almost to death, she almost died!’” I really appreciate that Ty Lee is disgusted by Mai’s reasoning here. You go, Ty Lee! Four for you, Ty Lee! You’re the only reasonable person from the Fire Nation in this cast, I swear.

Ty Lee reminds Mai that there were witnesses to Azula’s deteriorating mental state, but realizes that Mai is in denial about this: “Realization leaked through cold and creeping as the egg Ty Lin broke over her head that one time. ‘Or maybe you can deny it,’ she whispered, horrified, and took a swift step back with hands raised before her when Mai lifted her head.” Yeah, I’m fully in agreement with Ty Lee’s horror. She’s looking at a friend who is so twisted up by resentment that she has lost sight of reality, in favor of believing a comfortable lie—namely, that Azula is irredeemable and so Mai doesn’t need to care about what happens to her. Even though Mai does need to care about this, because Zuko and Ty Lee will be gutted if Azula dies, and the Fire Nation will probably go to war over it.

“‘I didn’t see her because she treated me like shit,’ Mai spoke deliberately.” Mai is right that she doesn’t have to have Azula in her life if she doesn’t want Azula there. You don’t have to have anyone in your life who has hurt you. But that isn’t all that’s going on here. Mai is still smoldering with anger four years later, and her inability to let that anger go has been eating her alive. It’s making her lash out at Zuko and Ty Lee when they try to broach the subject of Azula. This isn’t healthy for her or anyone else. This is just a continuation of the behavior that plagued her as a teenager—suppressing all of her negative emotions until they explode outwards, rather than allowing herself to feel them, accept them, learn from them, and move on.

When Mai points out that she doesn’t owe Azula anything, Ty Lee replies that she wouldn’t have met or fallen in love with Zuko if she hadn’t been Azula’s friend. This stings for Mai, given that the siblings have had sex: “‘She gives, and she takes away….’”

Ty Lee, being more perceptive than anyone gives her credit for, figures out that something must have happened. She’s very sympathetic, asking if Mai wants to talk about it. Mai panics and has another angry outburst, thinking that Azula must have told Ty Lee about what Zuko did. “[Ty Lee] was reminded uncannily of how Azula reacted to Mai’s rejection at the Boiling Rock, and found it hard to fathom how Mai hadn’t run for the hills on receiving such a look.” This is interesting, because it suggests that part of the reason why Mai loathes Azula so much is because of the similarities between them. There is nothing more unsettling than seeing a dark mirror of yourself in someone else.

Ty Lee doesn’t know what Mai is talking about, and then kicks herself for revealing that to Mai: “Azula would have known enough to pretend she already knew, so Mai would tell her.” Mai shuts down at this point and tells Captain Tadao to take Ty Lee to her rooms, because they’ve “embarrassed each other enough for one day” and that they’ll talk later.

Ty Lee knows that’s bullshit. “They wouldn’t because Mai never wanted to talk about Azula, and was extra unlikely to want to talk about Azula when she had problems of her own with Zuko.” I’m sure that Mai was reluctant to talk about Azula with Ty Lee because she didn’t think that Ty Lee would let her vent about her anger towards Azula, or understand it and not make excuses for Azula. Which is fair, but Mai should have found someone else to vent to to get the poison out, and then circled back to seeing Azula as a human being who fucked up.

Actually, you know what Mai probably needs? She needs to confront Azula about what happened between them, because she hasn’t seen Azula since the Boiling Rock. Yeah, Mai had a cool line about loving Zuko more than fearing Azula, but that didn’t get into her specific grievances, or allow Azula to address or apologize for them to give Mai closure. And we know that Azula feels bad about what she did, because it was what haunted her the most when she was having her breakdown. If Azula really was a monster, then she wouldn’t feel that remorse.

“Ty Lee felt bad about that, and she wanted to help Mai, she really did”—Ty Lee is too good for this sinful Earth—“but Mai wouldn’t tell her anything, and even though her problems seemed bad, Azula’s could get her killed—” Yeah, the most reasonable one of the bunch, our Ty Lee.

Ty Lee begs Mai to do something to help Azula, because she’ll die if the Earth Kingdom catches her. Ty Lee has this heart-wrenching speech: “‘I know you guys had problems, and—maybe you think she was never your friend [ . . . ] But she thought of you as a friend, Mai, she told me so! She fought so hard to get better, she’s a better person now, and she deserves a second chance! But she’ll never get that chance unless we help her.’” Carve my heart out and eat it, why don’t you?

And Mai…is unmoved by this. And condescending about it. “‘I hoped your actions might prove you were ready to cut ties with her too. But clearly you can’t be trusted to know what’s best for you” She’s referring here to Ty Lee seemingly choosing the Kyoshi Warriors over Azula. But also, it’s gross that Mai assumes that she knows what is best for Ty Lee. Fuck off with that, Mai.

Mai doubles down on the whole, “Azula’s awful, I don’t owe her anything, and don’t come crying to me when she hurts you” schtick. If she’d met the adult version of Azula and seen that version of her hurt someone, such as Ty Lee, then this reaction would make sense. What this is instead is Mai holding onto a grudge that is years old and using it as a weapon. She’s clinging to the idea that Azula can never change…even though that’s not how people work. Especially not people in the formative years of their lives, which they all still qualify as.

Aaaand Ty Lee, panicking now, reveals that Azula is pregnant as a last-ditch effort to get Mai to get her head out of her black-clad butt and see reason. Mai goes into despairing shock at this news and accidentally cuts herself with her own knife, much to Ty Lee’s and Captain Tadao’s alarm. One of the guards tries to grab Ty Lee, but Ty Lee chi-blocks him and he collapses. The next one manages to grab her. Mai orders them to remove Ty Lee from the room, and instead of putting Ty Lee in her guest bedroom, they stick her in a study.

We learn that Ty Lee actually likes Tadao, because he works hard and doesn’t dismiss Ty Lee’s suggestions on how to improve palace security. He’s the one who comes to see Ty Lee instead of Mai. He tells her that Mai is going to be fine. She might have a scar on her hand, but she’ll still be able to use it. When Ty Lee wonders why she got so upset, Tadao points out that since Mai and Azula are sisters-in-law, Azula’s condition will have an impact on Mai. This is also “the latest in a recent line of insults.” To put it another way, Mai is bitter at Azula for having sex with Zuko and throwing that wrench into her marriage (namely, by revealing that Zuko is not the person she thought he was). Then there are the political considerations, given that Azula’s kid could have a place in the line of succession, if the kid gets legitimized someday. Which then puts little Lu Ten’s claim at risk.

This also reveals that Captain Tadao knows what happened between Azula and Zuko. For a second, I thought that he was Mai’s uncle, and so the ugly secret was just between them and the Fire siblings. But no, more people know about it, and that is NOT GOOD. But Captain Tadao seems like a good guy (sidebar, but was he the guy who escorted baby Ty Lee out of the palace during the abortion episode? It would be a sweet connection if so), and when Ty Lee asks why Mai won’t confide in her about what is going on between her and Zuko, Tadao is gentle when he tells her, “‘I think you know the answer to that question.’” Ty Lee’s love for Azula and Mai’s hatred of her is something they cannot reconcile, and given how important Azula is in their lives, it’s a potential dealbreaker for them, at least as far as having a close emotional, trusting relationship goes. A casual friendship is still possible, but probably not if Mai or Ty Lee keep pushing each other.

Mai has decided to pack Ty Lee off to Kyoshi Island, and has gotten her a ticket and an escort to the harbor. Ty Lee has written Mai a letter to continue their conversation. I’m struck by how fast Mai is pushing Ty Lee out of the Fire Nation. What if Ty Lee wanted to visit her family? What if she wanted to enjoy some spicy homecooked Fire Nation food? What if she, god forbid, decided to visit Ozai for a nice shouting match (well, shouting at his comatose body, more like)? Alas, the plot beckons us forward!

We find ourselves back with Zuko and June. Hooray? I put a question mark there because Zuko doesn’t appearing to be having a good time with the bounty hunter. He is, in fact, puking his guts out. Traveling with June has the feeling of a boot camp to Zuko, because she keeps trying to “toughen him up”: “It reminded Zuko uncomfortably of his father’s early tutelage, before Ozai gave up shaping him into an unfeeling weapon of war, and turned his sights to Azula instead.” Oh Zuko, if you knew what Ozai was trying to shape YOU into, then why blame Azula for—at least in your eyes—becoming it?

June puts all of the gross chores of their journey onto him, and tries to steal his food to see if he’s cunning enough to get it back. I’m sure she finds this amusing, but I remember how hard Zuko’s journey apart from Iroh was, and I think she might have an overly inflated opinion of her teaching skills.

In any case, they find the Dai Li agent hiding in a cave and June forces Zuko to interrogate him. It sounds like June is doing the heavy-lifting where torturing the man is concerned, though. June keeps telling Zuko to burn the man, and reminds him that Azula will be tortured if she’s captured. Eventually, the man begs Zuko to kill him, and Zuko has a flashback to when he was burned by Ozai: “he could only think of a hand wreathed in flame, reaching for him.” It’s at this point that Zuko throws up. He tries to argue that the man deserves this: “He would have blackmailed me, hunted my sister down like an animal. He wouldn’t flinch from torturing her, even killing her if he was ordered.” This line of reasoning doesn’t give him any comfort, though.

I do want to point out that torture, despite what fiction would like us to believe, is an ineffective tool for getting reliable information out of someone. Oftentimes it’s bribery that works better, such as, “You know we can’t let you go, but if you tell us what we want to know, we can make sure that no harm comes to your loved ones.” People in pain will say anything to make it stop, so gentler methods are more effective. However, it’s become ingrained in our cultural consciousness that torture works, despite what studies have shown. And since hurting the villain can be cathartic to an audience, and a hero hurting the villain can tell us something about them as a person, it comes up a LOT in action stories. And while I am exhausted by it being used in this way (torture as a tool of the villains tracks better, since there is no shortage of people who find satisfaction in making other people feel pain), I do see why it is used here. It’s only recently that the ineffectiveness of torture has become more generally known, whereas Zuko lives in a time period analogous to…probably the late 1800s?

I do wish that the torture here hadn’t yielded the information that it had, or that this information turned out to be bunk upon investigating it. As if it, the Dai Li agent is mostly filling in non-vital information: that he worked as an orderly at the asylum and had a partner there, hence how he got to the beach house on Ember Island so fast. So the partner needs to be taken care of at some point soon. Zuko better remember to send that letter!

Then we get this chilling thought from Zuko: “Zuko considered for the first time what might have happened, if she had not run from the asylum. If the Earth Kingdom grew impatient [ . . . ] it would have been appallingly easy to make her death look like a suicide, an accident overdose, a bad reaction to her medication….” Yeah, she was definitely a sitting duck there.

“He wondered if Azula knew, or suspected, that she was in the care of her enemies when she decided to run [ . . . ] She had an instinct for these things. The only time she hadn’t seen it coming was when her friend betrayed her. And when Zuko left to join Aang in ending the war, if her converse [sic] with absent fathers was to be believed—" I don’t know if Azula ever knew that there were Dai Li agents lurking about, but even Zuko is starting to see why Azula has such bad trust issues.

It looks like June continued with the torture and got the location of her dad out of her victim. I really wish she’d gotten a fake location, but I understand that the plot necessitates a swift end to this subplot. June hopes that Zuko is less squeamish about violence when someone is out to kill him, but I’m sure he would be fine in that situation, because that would be a fair fight, rather than causing someone who is helpless and incapacitated a useless amount of pain. June killed the agent in the end, and when Zuko argues that torturing him wasn’t right, and she replies with, “‘It was necessary. You head one of the most powerful nations in the world, don’t you know what that is?’”

And…(sigh)…yes, leaders need to make tough calls sometimes. But if they choose to do something this ugly, they really shouldn’t be fine with it afterwards. They should acknowledge that it was evil, but that they couldn’t see another way to accomplish their goal. That route accepts more responsibility than hiding behind the idea that it was for “the greater good” and that no one else could have thought of a better path forward. When June says that the torture was necessary, that doesn’t make it not evil. It just means that she didn’t see another way to get what she needed.

June then points out that Ozai was a helpless prisoner when Zuko burned him, which stings Zuko. I would argue that Zuko is right about it being different—his crime was one of passion, whereas June’s was coldly calculated. But both ultimately led to human suffering, so both of them were wrong to do it.

Zuko takes a deep breath to keep from lashing out at June, which tells us that he CAN manage his anger when he wants to. He’s struggling, though, because he’s tempted to tell June what Ozai did to Azula to justify burning his dad. He decides not to: “It didn’t feel right somehow, telling anyone else about the abuse. He wondered if this was how Uncle felt when he found out, and why he didn’t say anything. He still should have said something….” Zuko is right—Azula’s trauma isn’t his to share. He also goes from having empathy for Iroh to being angry with him in a split second, which makes sense. He’s conflicted about how his uncle handled the discovery. At the very least, Iroh should have told her doctors, so she could get the care she needed.

“How many more of [June’s] cruelties would he have to witness or take part in, before this was over?” This is rough and why I am not a fan of characters like June. Azula’s actions in this fic are calculated to minimize harm; June has no such scruples. She’s too much in “the ends justify the means” frame of mind.

Zuko has two thoughts that suggest that Azula is the devil on his shoulder, as far as his brain is concerned. “You would [burn Ozai] again” and “You could kill [June . . . ] Remove the threat.” He describes the latter thought as being “so alien and disturbing Azula might have suggested it herself.” No, my dude. Just like hallucination!Ursa is a reflection of Azula’s doubts, whispering!Azula is a reflection of Zuko’s darker thoughts and impulses, which he deflects onto her because that is easier for him to do than face the darkness within himself.

He then has some off-color thoughts about June, besides the idea of murdering her. “Sometimes Zuko thought she was more animal than woman”—Gross!—“and didn’t know whether to be turned on or disgusted by her antics. He had even wondered once in the long hours he spent riding behind her how Mai would look dressed all in black leather like that.” This would be a much lighter story if Zuko and Mai had just embraced his leather kink, rather than him embracing his toxic desire to possess Azula.

As June taunts him about how he wouldn’t win if he tried to kill her, he figures out that she knows that he slept with Azula. She confirms it: “‘Your secret’s out. I might have forgot to mention our mutual friend let that slip, before the end. He got a message to the others. Looks like we should’ve moved faster.’” This means that Zuko, Azula, Mai, Mai’s uncle, Tadao, June, and now some unnamed Dai Li agents—who will probably pass this information along to their superiors—are in the know. That is very bad! Zuko had better hope that they’ll be able to spin this information as slander against him and his family, because if people believe it, his family is going to have a tough time holding onto the throne.

June throws in that now she knows why he has problems with women, which Zuko denies. I feel like he’s better about women than Iroh and Ozai, but his treatment of Azula is definitely skeevy. June, in any case, isn’t bothered by this information, because she doesn’t have siblings as far as she knows. She also doesn’t have the same cultural teachings as Zuko, so she doesn’t have the same taboos that he does.

We switch over to Mai, who is sulking in Zuko’s study. She’s read Ty Lee’s letter a few times by now and is not impressed. She thinks that she’s entitled to be upset, given the situation, and I can’t fault her for that. “That a man so endearingly awkward and painfully sincere would betray her with anyone, let alone his manipulative bitch of a sister, was a permissible source of surprise.” While I don’t like how she describes Azula, I agree with the rest of her sentiment.

“That Azula would take fullest advantage of his lapse was not.” This is ridiculous, though. What, did Azula plan to escape while she was ovulating so that she would become pregnant when she seduced her brother? Is that how the story is going in your brain, Mai? Why would Azula do something like that? She’d be disgraced if anyone found out, just as much as Zuko (unless she spun it as rape, which IT WAS. But Mai seems to be thinking that Azula would make a false accusation). Azula certainly will be disgraced if she has a bastard. Also, her being pregnant is going to slow her down and make her more vulnerable. That’s such a stupid plan, and when have Azula’s plans ever been stupid?

“Mai bent her head and gripped her bandaged hand, to draw a deep breath against the grief that welled inside her like an aching void. A void that demanded how he could do this, how he could still defend her, how he could think she didn’t plan this, why—” Mai is struggling because she knows that she was mostly betrayed by Zuko (she no longer trusted Azula, so how could Azula betray her?), but she can’t help but think that Azula had an evil plan. Probably because if Azula did have an evil plan, then maybe Mai could someday forgive Zuko for falling for it.

Her uncle arrives and she tells him the news. “And Mai felt a rush of ruthless satisfaction, upon seeing the warden back into the desk adjacent to her, revulsion etched in every line of his aging face. It wasn’t just her. Zuko tried to act like this was a terrible but legitimate mistake, like it was at all comparable to anything he’d done wrong before. But her uncle knew. He knew it was an abomination.” Yeah, Zuko and Azula committed a big cultural taboo. It’s unsurprising that other people are reacting this way. Also, I’m sure some of Mai’s satisfaction is that finally, someone is on her side, rather than on Zuko’s or Azula’s.

Her uncle voices the idea that maybe the child isn’t Zuko’s at all—that Azula is trying to trap him with a lie—but Mai responds that whether it is or isn’t, Zuko will think it is, and that’s what will matter. She then reflects on her own sexual history with Zuko. They were sleeping together before he defected, and they continued to carry on without protection when he returned. It took two years before she became pregnant with Lu Ten, long enough that she’d wondered if Zuko was waiting to marry her until he was sure she could get pregnant. Which even she knows is a silly idea. He probably just didn’t think to make their union official until she got pregnant and he realized that he should do the “honorable” thing and wed her.

Mai is salty about Azula getting pregnant from one night with him, when it took so much longer for her. When her uncle asks her what she plans to do, she comments that Azula’s medical records have gone missing. Zuko might have them?

“‘Supposedly she almost died in the asylum,’ Mai explained, her words ringing strangely hollow to her own ears. ‘Her doctors said she would never fully recover. I wanted to know if I could reasonably expect this to kill her.’ She tried to imagine the princess bleeding out, that she might die screaming in the same agony Mai endured when Lu Ten was born—and couldn’t. But there would be time enough to consider why later.” Mai can’t imagine her ex-friend dying. As much as she hates Azula, I don’t think she genuinely wants Azula dead, as convenient as that would be for her.

She then subtly suggests to her uncle that they could make it look like Azula just bled out like that—a tragic turn of events, but not anyone’s fault. Mai then accuses Zuko of being irrationally protective of Azula and that he’ll set Mai aside if she moves against Azula openly. I’m not sure Zuko would really do that, since he loves Mai deeply, but I don’t think their marriage would ever recover if Mai killed Azula.

Her uncle notices her hand, and we get this sweet moment: “Mai put her hand in his offered palm without hesitation. A reflex born of the first months she spent training with knives under his tutelage, when he had often [sic] to tend nicks and cuts gained in her practice. When Mai showed no signs of firebending by her fifth birthday, it was her Uncle Tom who first put a blade in her hand, and offered his home for the summer, so she might learn to use it.” When Mai mentioned that her current injury was an accident, her uncle adds, “‘A man like that isn’t worth hurting yourself over.’”

This is a genuinely sweet relationship, and it makes me wish that he had been the one who raised Mai, instead of her parents. She probably would have learned how to express her emotions in a healthy way, rather than bottling them up. He also doesn’t seem to care that she was a girl and had gender roles to conform to. Really, I’m glad that he’s in her corner. She needs someone to be, because this situation is legitimately awful for her.

Mai gets a hug from her uncle, which I think she’s needed for a while. She thanks him for being there for her and not saying, “I told you so,” because her uncle never approved of Zuko. They even make a joke about the situation, about how neither of them thought Zuko would cheat on her with his sister, which is some very dark humor.

Things take a turn when her uncle comments that the Royal family has been corrupt since Sozin, to which Mai replies that he should be careful, because her son is one of them. Tsutomu then suggests that he doesn’t have to be—that if something happened to Zuko, Lu Ten could be raised away from the toxicity of the paternal side of his family. Mai doesn’t like this idea, but her uncle keeps pushing, suggesting that if Zuko has cheated once, maybe he’s done so before and will do so again. Mai shoots this line of reasoning down, because she’s questioned their household about it and knows better, and doesn’t think that Zuko will stray again. Tsutomu keeps suggesting that they could have Zuko killed, and Mai tells him to stop thinking about it. He insists that he would never do anything without her consent. I want to trust him on this, but given later events, I worry that he might have some involvement there. If he does, it will be a case of him thinking that he knows what’s best for her, rather than respecting her wishes.

We then shift back to Azula, who was being pursued by Fong’s men, but managed to shake them when she entered the swamp. Unfortunately, her mount broke its leg when they were running down the mountain, so Azula had to put it down. What a waste! It would have been cruel to let it suffer, though. Azula wanted to trade her ostrich horse for a different mount, but the sandbenders never showed up. She travelled in the desert for a while, keeping the mountains in sight to avoid getting lost, but she needed more water before long. That was when she was discovered by Fong’s men, and she has a couple of sardonic thoughts about how her “famous luck” hadn’t helped her out.

She then starts trekking through the standing water in the marsh, and I’m already shuddering at the thought of all of the mosquitos there. Though they’re probably crossed with something like a wasp to make them extra horrible. Azula climbs up a tree to see if she can spot her pursuers, and thinks about how stupid they were to advertise their intentions in a fight. Fair! We also get the interesting tidbit that benders and nonbenders in the Earth Kingdom tend to work together in squads, whereas this team was specifically all earthbenders and was patrolling during peace time. Azula takes this to mean that they were searching for her. We also learn that Azula is heading to an avatar shrine.

Azula’s pack is waterlogged at this point, and she sighs in a way that reminds her of Mai. This thought leads her to reflect on her ex-friend, much like Mai was doing earlier in the chapter. There is a humous moment where Azula thinks that Mai would have given herself up to avoid stepping into the swamp, and then a bitter one as she thinks, “You never minded getting your hands dirty except in the most literal sense. Yet it was you and not Ty Lee who finally suffered a crisis of conscience—” Meaning that Mai’s betrayal really did come out of nowhere for Azula.

At this, Azula starts hallucinating Mai. She nearly falls out of the tree in surprise, with her pack opening up and her supplies tumbling into the water. Hallucination!Mai is offended by Azula’s thoughts, reminding Azula that she loved Zuko and didn’t want his blood on her hands. Azula, after a moment, reminds herself that she’s not in the asylum anymore, so what she’s seeing could just be a trick of the light or her imagination…except the Gaang ran into visions in this swamp, so it might be magic at work.

Azula tries to get herself back onto the branch properly, but can’t manage a full crunch. Oh buddy, I feel you. She then does the way more impressive thing by swinging backwards, releasing the branch, and grabbing the vines to stop her fall on the way down. She notices that her pursuers are spreading out around the edge of the swamp, probably to intercept her when she emerges. She figures they’ll wait for reinforcements and might try to flush her out when they have better numbers.

Azula considers that there might be dangers in the swamp that she’ll have to deal with, such as “deadly beasts or hostile primitives.” (Sigh.) Sometimes, her being from an imperialist society rears its ugly head. She figures that she needs to make her way to the far end of the swamp before her pursuers do. She takes some time to regather her supplies and then starts the wet trek, while being swarmed by mosquitos. She decides to heat the air around her to try to drive them off. I wish I could do that on summer evenings!

We shift over to Zuko, who is fighting with a team of Dai Li. Looks like he and June have arrived at the hideout! June has coated her whip in shirsu weapon, which works well and makes her match with Nyla. Zuko notes that the Dai Li are trying to use lethal force on him and June, since they aren’t there on official Fire Lord business, so no one will know who killed them. June at one point does a handspring that would have impressed Ty Lee, which is a fun detail, and then Zuko pulls a leaf out of June’s book and makes some fire whips. Once they’ve taken care of the team, they go through the cave and pass by the crystal cells, which June doesn’t bother to check because there are no guards around. Zuko has a sinking feeling that some of the guards must have smuggled June’s dad out and they’ll have to start the search all over again, which means that one of the unconscious men they left behind might get a spot of torture. BUT Nyla knocked out the guards before they could flee on ostrich-horseback, so June’s dad is fine and trying to get his cuffs off.

June’s father is a balding man with a squarish face and glasses. He teases June for taking so long, and then notices Zuko. There’s an argument about the logistics of the fight, the point of it being that June wasn’t sure if Zuko was going to hold his own, and that if he got caught, she was worried that he would have told them which way June and her father ran. Zuko is insulted at the idea that he would have ratted them out, and asks if they would have left him behind. June says that they wouldn’t have, mostly because it would have come back to bite them if they had. Zuko reminds her that now that her father is free, it’s time for her to fulfill her part of the deal and track down Azula. June asks him if he has a scent sample from Azula on him, because the last one they had is ashes now, and led Nyla to him anyway.

He thinks there are still things in the house on Ember Island that they could use, and remembers some of what happened that night: “Her lips moved silently, forming the same word over and over again. He knew what word she spoke now, two months too late…. I used her no more kindly than him.” Yikes! That word is father and just…ugh. This twisted family. I was trying to explain the appeal of this fic to a friend last night, and I kept saying, “It’s really dark and heavy, but it’s fascinating from a psychological standpoint!”

The trio decide to head to Ember Island. If nothing there works as a sample, they’ll go to the palace. I don’t think there would be fresh enough scents there, so the beach house will have to work. Zuko thinks that after they find Azula, he’ll “make amends, the only way he had left.” Presumably he means to Azula, but he could also be talking about Mai, since Mai also wants Azula caught, though his sister’s fate afterwards would probably be darker than what Zuko wants.

We switch back to Azula, who is being badgered by Hallucination!Mai. I am a little amused about the joke she makes about Azula never lacking direction, though the direction was sometimes the wrong one. If this is Azula’s self-doubt talking, then that’s an acknowledgement that she’s made mistakes and hasn’t always gone down the right path, which flies in the face of her usual self-confidence. There is a suggestion that this hallucination is actually a swamp vision, rather than a symptom of Azula’s mental illness. Unlike her normal hallucinations, this image of Mai vanishes as soon as she looks too closely at it. “Strange that the hallucinations at the asylum never did that.”

This Mai talks more than the hallucinated version of her did. “‘You ever think maybe I didn’t say much, ‘cause I knew you didn’t care what I had to say?’” this Mai says. Azula, tired and bitter, snaps back sarcastically, pointing out that she asked for Mai’s council many times and trusted her as much as she allowed herself to trust anyone. I suspect part of what’s going on here is that Azula is grappling with her fear about how other people—specifically the people she loved—view her. She fears that they see her as a monster and that they’re right to do so, because of the choices she’s made. It’s one thing to have your family by blood betray you, but another thing to have your chosen family do so.

Azula admits that she used Mai’s “infatuation” with Zuko for her own self-gain (clearly not realizing the depth of Mai’s love for Zuko), but that she “still expected Mai to be smart enough to act in her own self-interest.” She was secure in that belief, otherwise she wouldn’t have brought Mai to the Boiling Rock or let Mai have the “first crack at Zuko.” From the sound of it, Azula thought that she was giving Mai a chance for revenge over being left behind by Zuko. Except that Mai couldn’t stand by as he was killed….

Which Azula doesn’t understand. “‘He was a traitor!’ Azula screeched in disbelief, her fist clenched so hard she could feel every bone in her hand. ‘He betrayed you just as much as me! And you still chose him!’ Her voice broke. I was your friend first. He wasn’t anything to you anymore. He ended it in a letter, too much of a coward to tell you to your face. He hadn’t even left her a letter, or any warning of what to expect, the next time she was called before their father….”

While it was a good thing for the world that Zuko chose to help Aang, these are all solid points. Zuko did betray his Fire Lord and nation, so from their perspective, he is a traitor (who, in addition to defecting, then took the throne from Ozai’s appointed heir). He didn’t break up with Mai in person. He didn’t think about what Ozai might do to Azula afterwards. Zuko could certainly have handled the latter situations better.

Vision!Mai devalues Azula’s friendship next, saying that it didn’t compare to his love, and that Zuko was the love of Mai’s life, whereas Azula was a monster. It’s playing right into Azula’s deeply held belief that the reason no one loves and chooses her is because there’s something inherently wrong with her—something that isn’t wrong with Zuko (even though Zuko has fucked up in this story real bad).

Azula punches a tree in anger and thinks that the hallucinations have said worse to her than this, which is super sad. What’s even sadder is that Azula thinks the same things about herself, even without them around: “didn’t Azula think that about herself every day?” She needs some real therapy, not whatever she was getting in the asylum.

Azula is lost by this point, and decides that she needs to find a dry place to sleep and recover, rather than continuing to drain herself by wandering around. Once she gets into the hollow of an old tree trunk, she takes off her socks and boots to avoid trench foot. Good plan! Though couldn’t she also dry out both with her bending? Probably for the best to let her feet air out, though. She then tries to eat, but her food has bog-water in it, and the rice apparently looks like maggots. Gross! She gets sicks, which could be from her morning sickness, from a blood-borne disease from the mosquitos, from the contaminated food, or from a combination of the above. After throwing up a second time—the Fire siblings both have delicate stomachs this chapter!—she decides to stick to drinking water instead.

Azula is getting chills now, which suggests that she’s genuinely sick. She then sees Vision!Mai again, who gives her a nasty Reason You Suck Speech. She accuses Azula of not knowing what love or trust is—excuse me, Ty Lee is proof that that’s not true!—and then adds, “‘You never respected me, or my boundaries, or anything that was mine.’” I’m trying to remember if there was evidence for this in the show, or if this is Azula trying to come up with reasons for why Mai turned on her, and wondering if it was these things? That Azula feels guilty about this, though, shows that she is capable of seeing what she did wrong and learning from it. She can grow as a person…though she needs to be allowed to do so by the people around her. Ty Lee gave her that chance and now their relationship is much healthier. But it’s hard to grow when the people around you keep punishing you for what you did, and never believe that the growth you’ve made is genuine.

Mai then asks, “‘Why else would you seduce [Zuko]?’” which Azula denies, saying she didn’t mean for it to go that far. Apparently, Azula hoped that the kiss would distract him, and then she’d be able to chi-block him so he couldn’t move. Unfortunately, he reacted by throwing her into a nightstand, and after she twisted her ankle, there was no running away.

Mai accuses her of lying—that she did it because she saw Zuko’s weakness and was exploiting it. She asks, “‘How did it feel when he did that to you?’” and Azula doesn’t respond. I think this is where, if she’d felt any pleasure or satisfaction from the sex, it would sneak in and provide an extra layer of shame. That it doesn’t suggests that all Azula felt was violation and pain in the act.

Mai says that this must be why Azula hates her—not because of the betrayal of their friendship, but because she “played the game better than [Azula]. And [Azula] lost.” If I’m parsing this right, Azula thinks that Mai believes that Azula wanted Zuko, and that because Mai won Zuko, Mai got more political power than Azula, beating Azula at the political game. It’s an ugly take, and while I don’t think Mai’s accusations are fair—because we’ve seen from Azula’s perspective what her motives were—this does show that Azula knows Mai quite well, because the real Mai’s thoughts run along similar lines as the vision’s. Real Mai believes that Azula seduced Zuko to blackmail him and continue playing the political game, when in reality, it was a terrible mistake. Azula might have “started it,” thanks to Ozai’s training, but she never would have considered kissing Zuko if Ozai hadn’t done what he did.

Azula asserts that she hasn’t lost until she’s dead. I don’t think she means “winning Zuko” when she says this. She then puts out the fire and goes to sleep, dreaming about her father. After Zuko was banished, her training went into high gear, with more lessons on statecraft and the like. She was so busy that she didn’t have time to miss Zuko—which is definitely a lie—and he would have spoiled her happiness anyway by sulking and trying to get their dad’s attention. “It had been a source of amusement one, but they were not children anymore.” Oh honey, you both were children during canon. Maybe Zuko and the water siblings came of age during the show, but that age was still below what we would currently consider the age of majority.

Azula wondered what Zuko would have thought about the sexual training Ozai inflicted on her. Not that she would ever have told Zuko. We then get a series of thoughts that were almost certainly things Ozai told her: “[Azula and Ozai were] willing to do whatever it took to succeed, to survive. [Zuko] would never realize that people will use anything against you, unless they are too afraid of your doing the same.” This is a paranoid way of looking at the world and the people around you, and also self-defeating. If people are afraid of you, they will turn on you the moment they think they can get away with it (and sometimes even before then—Mai knew that she was throwing her life away when she saved Zuko, but she did it regardless). Love and trust, on the other hand, are what makes people will stick by you, even if you’re a walking disaster.

“[Zuko] never saw his own peril, until it was too late. Sometimes Azula thought he still didn’t see it.”—Foreshadowing!

Azula then thinks about the training itself. “Her father said it would hurt the first time”—that’s a myth. If you have a vagina and are aroused and lubricated enough, even the first time shouldn’t hurt. “—but it didn’t only hurt the first time. Sometimes it was hard to know what he wanted, and he was as intolerant of failure in this as in her firebending.” This is awful, but also, Ozai sounds like a terrible sexual partner. You’re supposed to communicate what you want and don’t want during sex. You can’t expect your partner to intuitively know that. They’re not psychic!

“As he should. It made her strong.” Azula, that training didn’t make you strong. It destroyed your boundaries and your ability to approach sex in a healthy way.

“It wasn’t always—Sometimes he would stay with her after, and just talk. She liked those times. It made her feel important. It made her feel loved.” She’s shying away from thinking of it as awful, even though she clearly felt that it was. The implication is also that she didn’t feel important or loved during their other interactions. Ozai, you are a TERRIBLE parent!

Which I think some part of Azula knows, because when she starts to feel the vines from the swamp wrapping around her, she imagines her dad molesting her. Still half-asleep, she lashes out with fire knives to free herself from the vines and runs out of her shelter. It’s daytime—Azula missed rising with the sun—and Azula is sicker now than she was the night before: “Her head pounded, her heart hammered, her joints ached like she took a beating. Her skin burned so hot that steam rose from her body when she hit the water.” This could suggest that she was beaten by Ozai at some point, but then again, all of these characters have been in combat, so that might be what this comparison is referring to.

The plants keep trying to grab her, which I think indicates that the waterbenders in the swamp are trying to catch her. I seem to remember them being the ones in control of the vines, rather than the vines themselves being predatory. Azula manages to escape, but is winded from it, which means that she won’t be able to bend. She’s also dizzy, nauseous, and shivering uncontrollably. Plus, it’s actually evening now, so she slept through most of the day. Azula realizes that she has no idea where her old shelter is, so her supplies are lost to her. She’s experienced abdominal cramps, too, and wonders if she’s miscarrying.

“This was what you wanted, she reminded herself pointlessly, though she knew very well what her mother would say. That she deserved this, for wishing her baby dead. Her tears fell on the water when Azula bent forward to hug herself, head bowed as if she could hold the pain inside anymore—” This might be the first time that Azula thinks of the fetus as her baby, which indicates that she might not want to lose it as much as she thinks she does.

She then hallucinates child!Zuko, which is heartbreaking. He tells her not to cry, “his round face scrunched in the look of unstudied concern their mother loved so well, and which Azula could never recall him directing at her.” Ouch! The dysfunction in their relationship went back really far, didn’t it?

“Didn’t he know the world would beat him down over and over again so long as he kept that way? That not just Father and Azula, but every person with an ounce of cunning would take advantage of him when he wore his heart on his sleeve like that? She told him so many times, but he never listened until it was too late.” So she acknowledges that she and Ozai took advantage of his naivety. She certainly did when she tried to trick Zuko into coming home early in season two. But also, Azula has a point. There are people in the world who take advantage of emotionally open and giving people. I don’t think that the solution to this is to harden your heart, though. Instead, you need to surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Zuko did that with the Gaang, which is part of why he succeeded and Azula failed. I’ll also note that Zuko would have done better with Azula as his ally, since she would have been more discerning about who was allowed in his court, and could have told Zuko about their ulterior motives and told him the unpleasant truths he wouldn’t want to hear. As it is, Mai has taken on that role.

“Yet in the end, he prevailed. The world bent to him. He got to be himself without condition, but not her. Never her. She didn’t understand….” Zuko allied himself with what wound up being the winning side, due to Aang defeating Ozai. If Aang had fallen, Zuko’s fate would have been much grimmer.

Zuko made a better choice than Azula did, but it’s important to note that he knew he had a choice. I don’t think Azula realized that leaving was an option for her. Why would she, when she believed that her nation was the best in the world, that their cause was right, and that if she stayed loyal, she would be the ruler of it all in the end? She would have lost everything if she’d left, and gained…what? The Gaang, Iroh, and Zuko hated her, so she couldn’t go to them. Mai and Ty Lee hadn’t defected yet, so she would have been abandoning them. And while she would have escaped Ozai’s abuse, she also saw Ozai as the only person who valued her and loved her for who she was. Even if being around him hurt, it was better than being alone.

No one except Ozai, at any point, held out their hand to Azula and asked her to join them. So while she is responsible for her own choices, how much can we blame her for what she chose, when none of her alternatives seemed viable?

Child!Zuko says that they are playing a game of hide-and-seek, which is true in the grand scheme of this story. He claims that he’ll always find her, which Azula says she no longer wants. He’s disappointed, but insists that it’s getting dark out, so he’ll help her find her way. He then lights the tiniest flame in his hand. “Azula’s stomach clenched painfully at the sight, plucked out from her earliest memories and brought freshly to life. How desperately she wanted to bend when Zuko made his first flame, and she saw how their parents explained over him….” This suggests that neither of Azula’s parents paid much attention to her before she first firebent. No wonder she came to believe that their love was conditional, and that she had to excel at what she did to earn it.

Child!Zuko, seeing her sadness, assures her that she’ll learn how to firebend when she gets older. I think it was mentioned already that she learned when she was three, which is mind-boggling to think about, since she would have been a toddler. He adds that she’ll pick it up in no time, since she’s “smart for a girl.” Ah, that sexism. He could have left it at “you’re smart,” but he had to add that qualifier. While the Fire Nation is less overtly sexist than the EK and the NWT, it’s clear that sexism is still a problem there. That baby Zuko is saying things like this is symptomatic of that.

“Half of what he said might be condescending bullshit, but this was still more supportive than Azula could ever remember him being.” This is very sad, since it means that Zuko started treating her as an adversary very early on in their childhood, once she proved better at something than him. He was jealous of her for earning their father’s interest, for all the good that did her. He was “resentful” when she survived her fall at the Western Air Temple, which is so ugly. He should have been relieved. She thinks of other moments where his hatred for her was apparent, like during the Agni Kai, at the asylum, aaaaand….

“The night he raped her.” And there it is. She can’t bring herself to see what Ozai did to her as rape, but she views what Zuko did as such.

“And she couldn’t reconcile it. How the little boy who stood before her could do—” This is a fascinating parallel to Mai’s thoughts about Zuko earlier in the chapter. Neither of them can understand how he did this. I’m reminded of how shocking it is to find out that someone that you know and care about sexually assaulted someone. What do you do afterwards? The safest option is to cut ties with them, but that doesn’t address the difficulty in doing so when they’re your family, or the grief of doing so when you’ve loved them for so long, only to find out that they weren’t who you thought they were.

Azula starts to ask him why he did what he did, but I think she knows the answer to that—because Zuko hated her and wanted to punish her that night. So instead, Azula asks where this good, caring version of her brother was when she wanted him—which, in the context of this fic, was from the time she was a toddler until now.

“‘Dad killed me,’ the hallucination said forlornly. ‘And you laughed.’” Ozai destroyed Zuko’s innocence just as much as he destroyed Azula’s.

I thought this was a reference to Zuko and Ozai’s Agni Kai, but this seems to actually be referring to when Azulon told Ozai to kill Zuko, and Azula’s teasing about it: “Her chest clutched painfully when she remembered that night, the night her mother left. And Azula thought it was cruelly appropriate that it was not Ursa here with her, at the end.” Ouch!

“She whispered, ‘I didn’t mean it.’”—I believe her, but unfortunately, the real Zuko never realized that.

The vision version of him does, though. “Azula felt his presence as clearly as if he sat on the edge of her bed, when she pulled the covers over her head.” At some point, Azula was just a little girl who hid under the covers. “‘I know,’ she dimly heard him speak. And the last thing she felt was him hugging her shoulders, his head laid against hers.” This is heartbreaking. It’s an exchange they should have had in reality years ago, but one that they might never be able to have, now they’ve hurt each other so badly. This is one of the scenes that sticks with me the most, because of how tragic it is and how poignant the imagery is: of the tiny, kind version of Zuko hugging the adult version of his sister, who is being eaten away by sickness, grief, and remorse.

And on that tearjerking note, we have reached the end of chapter fifteen. As always, thank you for the read, Aurelia. Thank you also to the folks on FFN and Tumblr who have been encouraging me to work on these reviews. Your support has been keeping me going!

Until next time,

WiseAbsol

#Dominion by Aurelia le #Azula #avatar: the last airbender #fanfiction review #WiseAbsol

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Godzilla vs. Kong Writer Talks About Spending 8 Years in the MonsterVerse

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This article conatins spoilers for GODZILLA VS. KONG.

Aside from studios Warner Bros. Pictures and Legendary Pictures, and certain behind-the-scenes executives, the four MonsterVerse movies to date have embraced largely different creative and directorial visions for each outing. This includes the latest installment Godzilla vs. Kong. But even though all four movies have had different directors, somewhat different tones, and mostly different casts, one of a handful of constant names has been that of Max Borenstein.

Borenstein has had a writing credit on all four MonsterVerse movies, starting with penning the screenplay for 2014’s Godzilla. Since then he’s co-authored the screenplay for Kong: Skull Island (2017), gotten a story credit for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) and is back to full screenplay credit (with Eric Pearson) on Godzilla vs. Kong.

Of course Hollywood screenwriting is a tricky field: many projects have multiple writers come and go during development, production and even post-production, with the issue of who wrote what and how they’re credited an often complex negotiation between producers, agents, and the Writers Guild. But Borenstein (whose other projects include executive producing the TV series Minority Report and The Terror Infamy) has legitimately had a hand in the evolution of the MonsterVerse since the start.

With Godzilla vs. Kong off to a–yes, we’re going to say it–roaring start at a still-reopening and recovering worldwide box office (including nearly $50 million in the U.S.) and streaming away on HBO Max as well, Den of Geek got on Zoom with Borenstein shortly before the movie’s launch to discuss the development of this fourth–and perhaps final?–entry, its relationship to the other films, and what these iconic monsters mean to new generations of fans.

Den of Geek: You’ve been involved in each of the films up to this point. What was the process for this one? How many iterations of the story were you involved in?

Max Borenstein: I’ve been involved in the franchise in different ways from the beginning. I helped with Godzilla, the first film. It was a kind of a rebuild of the script from brass tacks when Gareth Edwards came on board to direct, and we worked really closely together. And I stayed more or less on that movie from then through production.

It was in post-production on that, that the head of Legendary at the time, Thomas Tull, and Mary Parent–who was then a producer and is now running Legendary–and Alex Garcia, who’s the exec there who’s really been overseeing the whole franchise, first came to me and asked if I was interested in being involved in writing a Kong movie that would sort of bring Kong into that universe. For Thomas, who was really the big fan and the kind of driving force behind it, it was always about creating a universe where ultimately we can bring those two together, like the Avengers, in Godzilla vs. Kong.

So those were kind of the marching orders from the very beginning, at least for me, once it was clear that we to some extent had cracked the code on the new American version of Godzilla. And through the years, I was involved on and off in every one of these films, but Godzilla vs. Kong was the one where I at this point, had become part of the brain trust, so to speak.

How did Godzilla and Kong change from the previous films?

By this point it was clear we had done the groundwork in terms of filling out what these monsters were, how we envisioned Godzilla, what level of anthropomorphic attachment they had to people, and how unknowable our Godzilla was. There have been so many different Godzillas over time. So we developed that and we developed an idea of how our Kong fit into the spectrum of different King Kongs over time.

Really for me, the mandate of this film was: how do we finally allow Godzilla and Kong to carry their own movie? In the previous films, because we were sort of establishing them, we always had these human characters who were our way in, and they still are. But more and more in this film, Godzilla and Kong are the stars, and everybody else is a supporting character.

Is it a challenge to come up with interesting human characters, especially when you know that people are there to see the monsters fight?

Yeah, it is. It’s always a challenge. And I think one of the challenges of it is scale. It’s very different from the superhero franchises, because in superhero franchises, your characters are actual people who also have superpowers. But in the case of Godzilla and King Kong, particularly Godzilla and Kong in this iteration, you’re operating at a scale that’s not human. It’s societal, it’s global. When they do something, it has a much larger impact. It’s much harder to have a human character have too much agency with these creatures without stepping into inventing devices that control the creatures. We do some of that, but on some level, it becomes boring if people are just piloting these guys.

So the challenge is how do you create human characters that allow us to experience that while not taking too much of the spotlight? I think we honed more and more as we went forward, that if you see the human characters less as protagonists in the traditional sense and more as supporting characters in the stories of Godzilla and Kong, they become crucial in storytelling. They’re not carrying the movie, but they might be like Simon Pegg in the Mission: Impossible movies, where there’s charm and there’s humor, and there’s emotion that comes from those characters. But they’re not being asked to carry the movie in the way that a star would, because our stars are Godzilla and Kong.

Did you know early on that Millie Bobby Brown and Kyle Chandler would be coming back from Godzilla: King of the Monsters?

Yeah. By the time I came into this project, those kinds of bones were in place. It evolved somewhat, but we knew largely what the cast of characters was going to be. They were kind of Camp Godzilla, and then Camp Kong was the main characters, Alexander Skarsgård and Rebecca Hall, and those guys.

Movies

Godzilla vs. Kong: A Brief History of Mechagodzilla

By Don Kaye

Movies

Godzilla vs. Kong: Where The MonsterVerse Should Go Next

By David Crow

Was Mechagodzilla always the secret villain?

Well, it’s funny. Because like I said, a lot of the bones for this one were in place by the time I kind of came in, in terms of those decisions. But I had originally written Mechagodzilla into [Godzilla: King of the Monsters]. It was very similar in the sense of being an opportunity for the human characters to have some agency at the scale of the monsters, which is one of the hardest parts of these stories.

It was something I really quite liked, and ultimately [KOTM director] Mike Dougherty, as they were developing it, kind of put it aside. But I was really happy that we had brought it back in Godzilla vs. Kong, because it felt like one of the main challenges of Godzilla vs. Kong is neither Godzilla nor Kong is a villain. We’re rooting in different ways for each, we’re connected in different ways to each.

So it felt essential to have a third thing. Round one goes to Godzilla and round two goes to Kong. The question is in round three, rather than having one or the other win, how can we have the two of them develop a grudging respect for one another and go up against the third thing. Mechagodzilla felt like this perfect route into that.

It’s fun how you tied him back to King Ghidorah by using Ghidorah’s skull as a control panel.

Yeah, totally. It had different kind of evolutions and expansions as we went along and then contractions, but it was always those two characters, Serizawa and Simmons [the Apex Cybernetics scientist and CEO, played by Shun Oguri and Demián Bichir respectively], who both are interested in this idea of being able to act at the level and the scale of the creatures. But each has a very different kind of perspective on what they want to do with that power and how that can corrupt them. Ultimately it got slimmed down, but still I think retained its fundamental sort of core.

When it came to the final battle, was there any point where one of them was going to lose or was it always planned that both of them would survive?

No, neither Godzilla nor Kong were ever going to lose. There were different moments of how far we took it in terms of Kong taking a beating, but the two of them were always going to gang back up and work together.

Have there been discussions about what comes next? Do you have ideas for a fifth film?

There have definitely been ideas thrown around. I can’t say I’m appraised on the absolute latest right now, but I know that it’s all about this being the kind of Avengers moment and hopefully people respond and audiences will dig the way that we’ve kind of wrapped up this initial chapter of the Monsterverse.

What about a Monarch TV show where they would chase different monsters around the globe?

Again, I couldn’t speak to whether anything like that has been discussed, but that’s something I’ve always thought would be really fun. It would allow you to get into a different kind of storytelling in a different kind of scale that has a little bit more X-Files vibe within that universe. I’ve always thought that’d be cool.

Over the course of the four movies, what elements do you feel the most ownership of?

These are such collaborative endeavors, as are just movies of this scale in general, and in particular movies like this that are so reliant on what you’re building in post-production in terms of creatures and everything. But every now and then, in the actual writing, there’s some dialogue here and there that makes you think, “Oh, that was mine. I’m proud of that.” The “let them fight,” moment from Godzilla is one, and there are a couple of moments in this one, like when Rebecca Hall says, “Kong doesn’t bow to anyone.” Things like that are moments that I’m proud of that made it into the movie, because those are the kinds of moments of dialogue that you look forward to in a movie like this.

The thing that I’m proud of is what you feel when these two characters finally come together–the emotional investment, I think, that we’ve built. When you get to that moment at the end, when Godzilla and Kong square off, not as enemies, but as allies, it’s the kind of thing that I feel proud of because I think we’ve done a lot of work to get to a place where we’re invested in these two characters and we feel kind of thrilled at the fact that the two of them create this grudging alliance.

What are your feelings about the original King Kong vs. Godzilla?

I had watched it when we started working on this, and it’s super campy and fun and hopefully we did it justice. It’s one of those films that it felt a lot like playing with your toys on the floor where you take the two toys that don’t go together, and suddenly they’re together in the same story. I always thought that one of the best parts of that whole franchise is the playful quality of just taking Kong, who has nothing to do with that world, and throwing him in there. That’s why those films always captured my imagination in that way.

What do you think that these monsters represent nowadays?

I think they’re both vessels. Godzilla certainly over the course of the decades has been a vessel for, at times our fears — whether it be fears of nuclear annihilation initially, or environmental degradation, the anxieties of the moment have been sponged up by Godzilla in different iterations over the years. Certainly Kong has evolved from his earliest days of being kind of a somewhat problematic kind of colonialist metaphor for “the other,” and over time has become just an iconic beloved character.

When these characters take on this scale, there’s this philosophical term, “hyperobject,” which this philosopher Tim Morton talks about–something so large that it touches everything and everyone all the time. You can’t have any conversation about anything without kind of also talking about it. Climate change is one of those things that’s just ubiquitous and everywhere. So is the pandemic. There’s not a single moment of any day or a single thing we do right now where COVID isn’t having some kind of impact because it’s on a scale that touches everyone around the world.

So [Godzilla and Kong] reveal to us the fact that we’re all connected, which is easy to forget when we live in big glass skyscrapers and we ignore the other people around the world. Hyperobjects bring us into connection. Godzilla and Kong, creatures of this scale that can hop around the world and touch everyone haphazardly and create tumult and chaos, reveal that in our globalized world, we are all connected for better and for worse. To me, that’s really what this movie is kind of all about.

Godzilla vs. Kong is out in theaters and streaming now on HBO Max.

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darkmindsotome · 4 years

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Risque Rouge pt9

Tagging: @umbralaperture @otome-smut-queen @silver-fox-of-azuchi @tsundere-mitsuhide @jennacat84

General warnings for the whole fic: Angst, some fluff, Mental health issues, emotional things, trauma, blood, death and possible triggers. Please read responsibly.

Darkmindsotome Masterlist

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Chapter 9

The sound of hooves striking stone told them their long wait was finally over. A familiar coach turned onto the cobbled street on its way back from its travels. They smiled to themselves that the idea they would find who they were looking for here had paid off.

All things in the city follow patterns if you know where to look you could see them. Humans could be creatures of routine. You could see it in the way they built and laid out their environments. Making them follow a direction that they found to be the easiest and most accessible way to benefit them. They were also co-dependent, they needed others in order to not just survive but flourish. That was where their desire to be efficient beings tended to fall apart.

A city such as it was showed the circle of life in all its glory. A full spectrum of both ends of a poverty scale, the ones that could get support and the ones with no help at all. Humans constantly chasing something as poultry as a few francs they would trade for shelter and food and call that security.

They had to admit they didn’t have a particular liking for it. Crowded, smelly, little more than a fancy breeding ground for cattle that would eventually cease to be. Crushing their cigarette out underfoot as they moved to the front of the coach house, they kept their eyes on the recently returned driver.

“Pardonnez-moi Monsieur?”

“Oui?” The driver who had just climbed down from his seat replied to the approaching figure.

It wasn’t uncommon to be approached in this area of the city by random people in search of work. They were slightly closer to the dock which meant a lot of sailors and fishermen tended to either be looking to make some fast money or find out directions as to where they could spend it.

This person didn’t seem to fit the image of either description. They had on a dark suit of quality, open collar to their grey shirt and a dark tan long coat. The sun caught the metal accents on their shoes as they walked closer. It was curious the driver seemed to be able to pick out the finer details of the way this person dressed and the silence in their step. But he was completely unable to describe their face. It was as if they were seeing and also blinded at the same time.

“I believe we have a mutual acquaintance. I was wondering if you could spare me a few moments of your time so we could talk about them?” The driver imagined he had seen the smile he heard in the low voice talking to him.

The atmosphere felt frigid around him as if someone had summoned snowfall. He also thought that the smartly dressed figure was moving closer to him but dismissed it as madness because he hadn’t seen them move a step since stopping at the carriage wheel next to him.

“Excusez-moi, I still have work to attend to Monsieur. Horses need to rest and—” The driver tried to mask his nerves by attempting to talk his way out of this impromptu interrogation but was cut short when a gloved hand sprung up to wrap around his throat and lifted him half a foot from the ground. His eyes bulged as he brought but hands to that singular grip and attempted to regain his freedom.

“That wasn’t a request.” The voice that had been affable until now snarled.

---

His heels clicked as he passed over the doorway and stepped out into the green landscape of the garden the soft breeze made the blossoms dance and a sweet scent float through the air.

True to his word Sebastian had indeed set up tea for him. A small table had been laid out with a table cloth that was daring to defy the wind and refusing to wrinkle, with a perfectly starched complexion, it was topped with all manner of sweet delights from his favourite patisserie. Two seats had also been angled just so with a perfect view of the garden that would still allow for an intimate conversation with a companion should you desire.

The fastidious nature of Sebastian had always intrigued him, it made him the perfect choice for a butler but it was the little hidden facets of his strict persona that entertained him the most. If the man ever knew exactly how many things his master had truly seen remained a mystery but he was an excellent man to have at one’s side. Intelligent enough to grasp the magnitude of a situation and capable enough to be entrusted with almost any task.

He had just settled into one of the chairs provided when the sound of clinking china reached his ears and he turned to see Sebastian walking over to him with the tea tray in hand.

“Pardon I was unsure if the Mademoiselle would be joining you.” Sebastian set down the tray and poured a cup of black tea with his usual flair and procession.

The scent was divine, say what you will over some of the peculiarities of the human world they did manage to bring out the full potential in some of the most surprising creations. Of course, they could also bring out the worst using exactly the same ingredients, it came down to skill, knowledge and practice. He was truly blessed to have Sebastian agree to stay with him over the years.

“She is changing.” Comte mentioned after taking a sip of his now late morning tea before selecting a pastry. “Sebastian, I should like you to gather as many as possible for lunch we have introductions to take care of.”

“Of course. I think there may be a few guests who are out at present. Sir Arthur headed into town earlier saying he was unsure of when he would return, Master Theo was visiting some clients to discuss appraisals of their collections and make suggestions for future…” Sebastian nodded in understanding and began to run off an itemised scheduling list that was helpful but unnecessary all the same.

The guests in the mansion were not obligated to bow down to his every wish but there were still certain understandings that had to be observed. When present if they were requested to attend a gathering, they were to make every effort to do so. Comte was a rather understanding master and unlike some demanded very little after his guests awakening.

If they were willing to live by his rules and protect the mansion and its residents where possible he asked for very little in return. Naturally, there were times where work generated absences and that was to be expected. The key was flexibility. He worked around the issues insuring all the household was given the same information from him and then micromanaging the rest where needed.

“It is a shame but unavoidable. Gather the ones that you can I shall see the rest individually afterwards.”

“As you wish Monsieur le Comte.” Sebastian bowed before leaving the garden and returning to the mansion to begin issuing the invitations to lunch.

Comte sighed as the sun appeared from behind a cloud and shone down on him. A light and cheerful piano melody carried on the wind that was accompanied by the birds and insects in the garden. As he lifted the pastry to his mouth a small dab of fruit jam slipped free of it and landed on his plate reminding him on the bloodied mess from last night.

---

Her fingers tied the olive-green sash at her waist into a large bow that dropped under its own weight at her back. She looked at herself in the full-length mirror by the door admiring the cream dress with all the delicate flowers that had been hand-stitched. Several of the people at the performing house had been seamstresses and helped with costumes but this was a far cry from anything used on stage.

Freshly washed and dressed she sat down to finish her hair. It was still slightly damp from the shower which meant it at least stayed put as she twisted and pleated it into place. An intricately woven crown was formed around her head that left the rest of her hair hanging loosely down her back. A knock came to her door just as she slipped on a pair of cream coloured shoes.

“Yes?”

“Pardon it’s Sebastian Mademoiselle Evie. I have come to show you to lunch.” His voice was as formal as she remembered even if he had used Evie instead of her full name. It made her both smile and shake her head. It was still only the first day of her time here but she hoped he could be a bit less formal around her eventually.

She checked her appearance once more, patting down her hair before opening the door. The reaction that met her was difficult to read. She felt a knot in her stomach as the nerves that usually plagued her before a performance made an appearance.

“I-is this acceptable do you think?” She asked nervously as she joined him in the corridor. She had chosen the first dress that caught her eye and after she put it on marvelled at how well it fitted her. She felt more mature and less like the child everyone treated her as. She could have been wrong, it could have looked hideous. Evie looked into Sebastian’s smoke-grey eyes unsure if his silence was a good thing or not.

“I wouldn’t possibly assume to interfere with a Lady’s choice of attire, Mademoiselle.” Sebastian replied and then as if suddenly noticing how her heart was sinking in her chest, he leant past her to close the door to her room and whispered the words she needed to hear. “But I think you look charming and I’m sure the Comte would agree.”

She smiled and for a moment Sebastian thought he had caught a glimpse of what his Master had. She was like a breath of fresh air, as warm as a summer sun and naturally charming. Without any prompting or effort on her part, she seemed to stir emotions easily in others.

Sebastian corrected himself to avoid staring as they walked towards the stairs that would take them to their destination.

“Are eating times always such fancy affairs here?” Evie asked partly out of curiosity but mostly because she thought if she didn’t say something she would turn into a useless wreck.

“Not at all. A lot of the guests eat at different times and some prefer room service instead of the company. Today we will be having luncheon in the dining room in order to introduce you to as many of the guests as possible.” Sebastian spoke matter of factly, in the same way, he might have read a passage from a book aloud.

“As many as possible? How many are there?” Evie asked with an uncomfortable look on her face that she desperately tried to push aside. Sebastian had mentioned serving breakfast to the guests but it didn’t occur to her at the time to ask about numbers.

“Nine at present. With the addition of yourself, there will be ten guests plus Monsieur le Comte and myself.” Sebastian answered her as he increased his stride as they descended the stairs and walked towards one of the many identical doors of the mansion. She followed him with her eyes watching him getting further away from her as she sunk back into her own thoughts.

“I see…” Evie nodded as she dutifully followed in his footsteps.

She had thought this was like nerves before a performance but now wondered if this wasn’t worse. Up on stage where the lights shone, they blinded her to her audience. She knew she was being watched but she couldn’t see any of the ones doing the watching. She also never spoke to the audience members except for the very brief occasion where one was brought backstage by another performer and she had simply smiled to them and scurried back to her room.

Reaching Sebastian’s side, she felt him looking at her and she raised her head from her inner musings to give him a small nod. She was a professional performer she could do this. Sebastian opened the door revealing a room with long sideboards and an even longer dining table. It felt like the entire room had been carved out of the heart of a tree.

Floor to ceiling carved panels covered the walls, candelabra sat on every surface and there was a heavy Turkish rug that covered so much of the floor as if it was basic carpeting. Large windows on the opposite side of the room felt like they would be better suited in a cathedral than a mansion but she did think they were very fitting for the size of the mansion and the man who owned it.

Five men who were already sitting at the table stood up from their chairs as she took a tentative step into the room.

“Ah, excellent timing. Gentlemen this is the young lady I was just telling you about. Genevieve, won’t you come here?”

---

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taltos-seidmadr · 4 years

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hello my wonderful friend!! may i request a reading please? you already know me, but im a Sept 2001 babeeey (coincidentally was almost born on a day full of fear and tragedy, (not-so-)fun fact!) I don't have a specific query, just sort of,,, anything that needs to be brought to my attention or that I should hear, I suppose! 💗💙💗 thank you!!

I thought that the archetype cards were uniquely suitable for this task. I asked them to show me three things about your spirit - one thing about your foundation(root) your current emotional truth and/or psyche(heart) and your overarching moral framework (crown) - that you are not seeing or acknowledging at the moment, or you could do differently.

I was planning to talk about these cards separately but they seemed so deeply interconnected that it makes more sense to me to write about them all at once. Also feel free to observe the images as well and see if they talk to you in a personal way, because the card art is an integral part of the reading as well.

🌱 THE VILLAGEThe energy of The Village is present anytime we feel restricted by a certain group, community, place or ideology. It may have served us in the past, yet staying within its parameters will never satiate our thirst for life. Thank the Village for all it has provided, knowing you will someday return. For now, the world awaits.

💗 THE TEARWe sense our humanity, your humility, and we allow ourselves to be held. It is likely that this card appears when there is grieving yet to do, a sinking down into disappointment or despair that, once acknowledged, will bring a shimmer of clarity to our dewy eyes.

👑 THE KINGIf our lives are imagined as a kingdom containing the entire spectrum of human experience, The King presides over it all. […] Therefore, The King must be thoroughly and regularly vetted so as to avoid corruption.

You are playing a very dangerous game with yourself, Juno, one that I know more closely than I would like to. I’m saying dangerous as if there were any questions about its outcome, but there aren’t. It can only end one way and it’s devastating. 😔

There is a great undercurrent of uncertainty running through your life. You know, or at least feel it in your heart instinctively, that the things you grew up in, the things your environment taught you so far, are incorrect, but you have no idea what you should replace it with and thus you are completely lost. You are afraid of examining what you are and actually stand for, and most dreadfully, even moreso afraid that other people will see that too. You try to patch up your incomplete foundation from the outside by chasing a fragmentary image of yourself picked up in little pieces from other places.You chide yourself daily, how far you are from that image, not seeing, or maybe seeing but not acknowledging, that face you are trying to become is not of a human.

You have closed the floodgate on your true emotions, not allowing even a drop of it slip, as you have deemed that they are undesirable, an obstacle on your self-destructive pursuit towards perfection. But the pain and grief you carry just keeps growing back no matter how many times you try to pluck it out, still demanding to be felt. The extremely hard to swallow pill about this is that even if you could weed out every single unwanted leaf from the garden of your soul that you perceive to be imperfect - as if that were even possible - there is still no guarantee that everyone will reward your effort with their acceptance.

I can absolutely, without hesitation, tell you, that the things you learned back then were not right. Not factually and not morally. The behaviors you learned back then helped you survive but they are now destroying you. The door of moral judgement needs to close, and the floodgate of emotions needs to open.

You have to let that fragmentary image go, and allow your true self to grow out. That true self is a human being that deserves kindness, and is allowed to feel emotions, even negative ones, without remorse, and deserves to be accepted.That acceptance has to come from yourself first, and you have to allow it from people who are kind and loving to you a close second.

Now that we are all living through a very serious crisis, it is more important than ever to be kind to ourselves, as much as we can just be. Please keep that in mind, and know this, that even if you are in your darkest hour, things will get better soon.

Take good care of yourself 👁️‍🗨️✨

tips?

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vinylackles · 5 years

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14x14 destiel coda, 1.4k words

Sam was going to be mad at him.

He’d destroyed almost all of their rare medical supplies in his rampage, the wild panic making him lose control, eyes seeing nothing. The antidotes, that last bottle of djinn blood they had; It was all shattered on the floor, being swept up slowly and methodically by Dean’s hands, though he couldn’t really understand how they were moving. Going through the motions. Muscle memory, he supposed.

It seemed like pointless work - the real mess wasn’t in the infirmary. The real mess Dean had caused was outside, in the halls and in the library. The bodies of those hunters littered the whole bunker, where Michael had burned and cut and tore and maimed them for the fun of it. The thought of their bodies, their blood on the bunker floor, made his chest tighten, his breaths quicken. The broom stilled in his hands and he leaned against the wall for support, abandoning the shattered glass on the floor for a moment.

The pause of the clinking glass allowed him to hear a familiar set of footsteps; a swish of a tan coat.

“Cas. Don’t.”

The footsteps continued anyways, and Dean closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at anyone right now because he knew exactly what he was going to see. Especially from Cas. That look of deep sympathy, of searching for the right words to make everything okay.

“Dean.” His voice echoed through the empty space, wrapping around Dean and somehow making him feel like he was suffocating.

“Cas please. I can’t- not yet.”

“I don’t understand.”

Dean opened his eyes. Cas’ head was cocked slightly to the side in confusion. He was trying to read Dean, as he always did. And as it seemed, he was failing.

“I mean I’m not ready for everyone to come in here and start making excuses for me, about how it wasn’t me, it was him. I’m the one who let him out of my friggin’ head, I’m the one who chickened out and didn’t take my chance to put him away forever. And now everyone that I promised I was gonna keep safe is dead. And that’s on me, no matter how you try to spin it. So just don’t.”

His words hung heavy in the air, but speaking them out didn’t take the weight off his chest, it only multiplied it. Cas’ silence didn’t help, so Dean turned his back and sat down on the infirmary bed, head in his hands.

It was almost a full minute before Cas took a few steps, and even longer before Dean felt the familiar weight of him sitting down next to him. The infirmary bed was hard, but he still leaned into his side as the mattress shifted.

“How’s your head?” Cas’ voice was still steady.

“How many bodies did you walk past to get here, and you’re gonna sit there and ask me about my head.” Dean let out a breathless laugh. Cas paused.

“Yes.”

“My head is fine Cas.”

“No more pounding?”

“Well he’s not up there anymore, so no. No more pounding.”

“Good.” Dean felt a hand in his hair, rubbing gently through the coarse strands. He melted into the touch, trying to anchor himself to those fingers, to the person next to him, to fight off the waves he could feel coming on.

“All those people,” he whispered, throat tightening.

“Dean-”

“We brought them here. We took them out of their world to keep them safe and now they’re gone. Every single one of them is gone. And it’s all my fault.”

“And you feel guilty.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes Cas. I feel guilty.”

“I should feel guilty too.” Cas mused, moving his hand down to the back of Dean’s neck. It had been in knots for months now, but he could feel that some of the tension had finally gone.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dean countered, scrubbing his hands over his eyes and Cas used a bit of his grace to relax the muscles under his fingers. It felt deliciously good, and it made Dean feel even worse somehow that he was relaxing after everything that had just happened.

“Neither did you.”

Before Dean could protest, or tell him off, or ask him to stop his work on his neck, Cas butted in again.

“Perhaps it’s because I never gained a full understanding of human emotions when I was one, but I don’t understand how you all do it. The balancing act of the spectrum of emotion you’re supposed to maintain all the time. It must be exhausting.”

Dean paused for a minute, lifting his head to look Cas in the eyes.

“You lost me.”

“I suppose that, if I were human, I should be feeling many things right now. Sorrow, for the hunters that were lost. Excitement, because Michael is gone for good. Happiness, because Jack got his powers back. Pride for him too, since he was so brave. But all I can feel is relief. I’m just immensely relieved... so much so I don’t think I have room for anything else.”

“Well, having Michael off the playing board is a big relief for all of us, so I guess I can give yah a pass,” Dean smiled, though it was only slight.

“I’m more relieved that he’s out of your head. I would still be relieved even if Jack hadn’t killed him. Is that wrong of me?”

Dean reached his hand out and took Cas’, squeezing.

“No. It’s just very - angel-y.”

“I think it has less to do with being a celestial, and more to do with being your boyfriend,” Cas countered.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Dean, I know that you’re upset. But you have to remember that Michael killed them, and not you. Lucifer could have killed them, if you hadn’t killed him by letting Michael use you as a vessel. There are a thousand choices that could have lead to something like this, and your one choice didn’t seal anyones fate. You aren’t to blame.”

Dean sighed, letting the words wash over him. Even if he didn’t believe them, it was still nice to hear that no everyone blamed him the way he blamed himself.

“So you’re relieved, huh? No worries left in that big ol’ brain of yours?”

“Of course I’m still worried... have you met me?”

Dean laughed - a quiet one, but a laugh nonetheless; that was a saying Cas had picked up from him.

“And what has my angel so worried, hmm?” Dean mused, sitting up so he could properly look at Cas.

“Well, you haven’t properly eaten in weeks. You’ve lost weight, you’re stressed. We have no idea if Michael’s constant brigade against your mental wall will leave you with any damage. You’ve barely slept since you trapped him as well, and I know how important sleep is for the human body, so-”

“So what you’re saying is that I need a sandwich, and some sleep,” Dean said, cutting him off.

“Yes. And possible medical care, but I know that you’ll refuse that,” Cas sighed.

Dean decided, just this once, to give in.

“Would your grace be able to heal me?”

“You hate when I use my grace on you.”

“I don’t hate it, I just don’t like you to waste it,” Dean argued.

“Taking care of you is never a waste,” Cas said, deadly serious. Dean offered him a soft smile, reaching up to run his fingers through his dark black hair.

“Fine. Then take care of me.”

Cas stalled at that, squinting his eyes in suspicion.

“You’re serious? You’re actually going to let me?”

“Offers expirin’ Cas,” Dean cautioned.

“Okay! Okay, I can do that! Um, do you want to sleep, or eat first?”

“How about we sleep on it, and when we wake up, I’ll make us some grub. Cause I love you, but I don’t think I can handle your cooking on an empty stomach.”

Cas took no offense to the jab; he was too elated that Dean had let down his walls for once.

“That sounds perfect. C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Five minutes later, they were both curled up in bed, shirtless in their boxers (Dean’s request, of course). Dean was already asleep, head resting on Cas’ chest, listening to his slow heartbeat in his dreams.

#idk what this is but I needed someone to comfort my boy #CAS TO THE RESCUE #destiel #aintnonetwork #dean winchester #castiel #14.14 coda #spn coda

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dlugo7-blog · 4 years

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Still Here.

Disclaimer:

I’ve seen so many wins and losses, both in my life and in others’, and I wanted to share my experiences from what was quite easily the toughest 365 I’ve ever faced. This isn’t to bring attention to myself, but more so to let you know that we’re all human. I hope you read this and it helps you somehow; whether you can relate or not, we’re all in this life stuff together. Be confident, be you, always.

It’s been… a while? Sure, the decade is coming to a close, and it’s great that many are reflecting on the last ten; however, I myself wanted to focus on this past year in particular.

Making decisions is inevitably a part of life that we eventually must tackle with confidence. The spectrum of decisions features endless possibilities: from black or white socks in the morning, to which job you should take, one is small, one is big, both are crucial.

I made a decision at the end of last year that changed my life forever. This decision was something that I never envisioned happening. When I say never, I mean not one millisecond did my mind wonder off into a state that featured this decision coming to life in any way, shape, or form. There were plenty of reasons that I didn’t think that a decision like this would ever have had to be made, but the main ones were the power in and faith of love, which I still possess to this day.

With that decision came the darkest days of my life, but opportunistic ones subsequently. I started a new position at Nike, which consisted of a three month “stretch assignment” as a part of the music team. I was primed and determined to obtain a corporate-level position after the 90 days because I knew that I had worked my ass off and was ready for the next step in life, but also partially because I needed the aforementioned next step for the sake of my own mental.

The first month was full of learning and growth; I was blessed yet again to rub shoulders and engage in conversation with some of the most creative, hard-working people that I had ever met. For my Nike vets out that made the choice to read this, I was just trying to be a sponge early on in the process. January was a blur, but it closed with me being asked, “is your schedule clear for the first week of February? We want you to go to LA.”

*cues “Bicken Back Being Bool”* The night before leaving, I had one of the toughest conversations I’ve ever had in my life; one that semi-clarified the direction in which my life was heading in. I’ll never forget the ride to the airport in the morning; I let it all out in that Uber while texting my inner circle. I told them that I was scared as fuck, in so many ways, but I thanked them for always keeping me afloat in midst of this life shit. I’ll say this until I am blue in the face, but you are only as strong as your support system. I’m often one to bottle up, but we’re all human at the end of the day, and I have no shame in admitting that. I boarded the plane, my brain scrambled, with my first solo work trip staring me in the face.

I landed in LA, arrived at my hotel, and walked into a room that was straight out of the movies. TV mounted on a pole in the middle that swerved whichever way you wanted it to, king-sized bed with a bathtub adjacent to it, and a mirror the size of a Manhattan skyscraper. The best part was the fruit platter that was assembled on the table, which had an envelope propped up against it that said “Mr. David *middle name* Lugo.” I felt like Hov, y’all. I can’t lie.

The trip was full of nothing but positivity. I’m forever grateful to the both East and West music teams for showing me an insurmountable amount of love throughout my time with them, but this trip in particular was something I’ll never forget. I got the opportunity to meet so many people in higher places, and experience things “on the other side.” I was ten feet away from Jorja as she performed, and I was never so close to losing a job in my life. That’s cap, but, what a moment that was. “If you asked this little kid from Brooklyn who had dreams of being in the MLB if he would be on a work trip in LA working in the music world, he would’ve looked at you like you were crazy. Thank you for taking a chance on me.” That’s the text I sent in gratitude at the conclusion of the trip. I meant every word.

Time passed, and I kept working hard, as always. I started to gain some traction, some momentum, both physically and mentally. Then, March 31st came. I’ll never forget being on Dave’s couch watching Duke and Michigan State when Ian stopped and said, “Not Nipsey, man.” I frantically refreshed Twitter, the only word I could utter was “fuck.” Thirty-three years old, shot and killed in front of what he built. He’s playing in the background as I type this now, and it still doesn’t seem real. I’ll never forget coming to work and talking to Kha about it. He said, “that’s so crazy, because you always tried to get me to listen to Nip.”

The next day was the start of my last week at the office. I barely spoke to anyone that day, because that shit hurt. It still does, there’s no way around it. Ironically, one of my close friends was getting married in LA that weekend. I’ll spare the details, but despite my hard work and determination those few months, the stars weren’t fully aligned yet, and there was no room for me to join the corporate team. The trip to celebrate love couldn’t have come at a better time.

I made my way out West, and it was bittersweet for obvious reasons: the decision to close out the last year, Nip’s death, not getting a permanent look at the office, and a variety of other life obstacles all weighed on me. We pulled up to Slauson to pay our respects, and hundreds of people were gathered to celebrate Hussle’s life. As emotional as it was, the love and energy that was there was truly special.

Wedding day came, and to see love at its’ peak was a beautiful thing. My friends were so happy to be joined in marriage; the company, the scenery, the aura, all of it was perfect. They even walked out to “U See Us,” and I was so gassed that I went and thanked them after. Nip blaring out of the speakers as they walked into the hall was something I didn’t expect. Full transparency, as gushingly happy as I was for everyone involved, I was selfishly sad a bit. Reflecting is great, but reminiscing isn’t always the same. A combination of the two made for a constant tug of war in my mind. As I sat in the airport waiting for my departing flight back home, I couldn’t help but think how this could’ve been me soon.

I got back home, hot to cold, literally. Back at the store, I felt trapped again. Creatively, I was fed up with my lack of progress due to circumstances that were out of my control. The one constant positive thing about that door was the people and the running community that was built there. I loved being that guy to round the troops up to go for a run after work, motivating others to join me regardless of their running experience.

A big step in my personal growth this year had a lot to do with running, as many of you may already know. I took it extremely serious, and developed a new passion that I never could’ve imagined coming to life. This new found passion allowed me to lead in a new way, inspire in a new way, and most importantly be happy in a new way. I am forever grateful for every single person that encouraged me, ran with me, or was involved in the journey that is still going to this day. I’m forever in debt to you all.

Skipping a few months of a routine cycle, which led to this.. Remember that opening paragraph about decisions? Well, I faced a pretty fucking massive one in July, when I stepped out of the box and bet on myself. Real quick, though, shout out to Roddy for a late contender for Song of the Year with “The Box.” Unbelievable.

Anyway, I felt stuck and decided to reach out to someone who had offered me some help a while back if I ever needed it, based on some work that I had done in the past. I took his word for it and set up a meeting. That meeting led to another meeting, which led to an interview, which led to a 90+ degree day in July. I was at Citi Field for Go Play Day with Nike, when I got a text from said person saying that he wanted to speak about a potential offer. I couldn’t take the call because I was occupied teaching first graders the proper fundamentals on how to field ground balls and step into their throws. Clearly more important. So serious, by the way.

The call happened the next day, and I was offered a job. Holding back tears like Will in The Pursuit of Happyness, I thanked the other end of the phone a million times, and the call ended. I broke down, my pals. The accumulation of hard work, persistence, struggle, pain, and everything you could imagine had brought me to this point. That’s where I’ve been since August, putting in some serious work with an All-Star team. I’m leading my own year long project, and doing the damn thing.

Damn, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’m tired. I’ll use this paragraph to tell y’all some random facts about the year. Amanda and Darren had a baby, and Adonis is perfect. He’s a baby me, and I can’t wait to take him to the park. I went to Oregon and Seattle, went up to the Space Needle which was beast, and had a peaceful time exploring such a beautiful coast. I went to more of Ian’s plays because he’s a superstar. I ran with Dave because he realized I’m not trying to be a bodybuilder like he is, so to get him to run was like pulling teeth. Freddie Kitchens is the worst coach ever. I started going to church this year, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in quite some time. I dyed my hair because, life? I got two tattoos, one of which has been years in the making and is an ode to Sade, Bob Ross, and myself. I fell in love with Snoh. I don’t know, a lot of shit happened.

To close out this damn near novel of the year, I want to say that I’m proud of myself. I’m still standing, and I didn’t know what to expect as I wrote this. It was emotional, without a doubt. I’ll continue to reflect, I’ll continue to reminisce, and I’ll continue to be human. I encourage you all to do the same. I’ll continue to walk in faith, and give all glory upstairs. I don’t really know how to close this, which is weird, but as I always say, love is love. Whether it’s to close out this decade, or to start the new one, make a decision. Right or wrong, have faith it’ll all work out. I still do.

- The Boy

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otdderamin · 5 years

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Transcript: Wednesday Club Ep19: Love is Love

Looking for some good Queer content? The best Wednesday Club was Episode 19: Love is Love! with Marc Andreyko. They talked about the Love is Love anthology made in memory of the Pulse shooting and talked about the history of queer representation in comics.

This is also the episode where Taliesin and Amy came out as bi. It was so soft and empathetic and empowering the whole way through that I think it gave them a push of confidence to say it.

Interesting history, they pulled this VOD after this aired and edited out that coming out. I suspect someone felt they got caught up in the moment and weren't actually sure they did want that out there. But word spread anyway and a few weeks later it was quietly restored.

The only depressing thing about this episode is how hopeful they were for the future and how much everything's gone to shit in the two years since it came out.

Official Twitch VOD, Bootlegged YouTube VOD

If you can handle the sorrow, I really can't recommend "Love is Love" enough. It's one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. A lot of it is heartbreaking, but there are also a lot of uplifting pieces about pride and joy and love, and those were so special.

This episode is so fascinating because there's are dozens and dozens of little ways Taliesin's subtext was "I'm queer," but it was such a surprise for that subtext to be text at the end. I think it's greatly affected how I read his queer coding in acting.

Reading Taliesin himself in this episode of Wednesday Club is a major reason why I feel somewhat confident in my analysis about the queer subtext he shows in Caduceus (and Percy). He's very deliberate about his subtext, I think the joke is always that it's genuine.

"Well, those are then the Schrodinger's representations which are 'Are they? Aren't they? We're not going to say.' [Stage whisper] But they are."

I think about this quote all the time. What he says sideways is deliberate, and something he personally delights in reading into. This is, after all, him playing out people in the way he would interact, not really for other people. We don't ask straight people to tell us they're straight, they just show it and we all assume it's true. I strongly suspect that's a freedom Taliesin looks for in queer portrayal.

One of the dynamics going on here that's SO INTERESTING is how apparent the age gap is between Marc and Taliesin and Amy. I don't know Amy's age, but I'd guess she's a decade younger. Marc and Taliesin are so much more okay with clunky, subtext, and or tragic representation.

Partly this is just a difference of Taliesin liking sad stories & Amy liking happy ones, but the difference is so much more magnified in this episode. Her standards for what makes good representation are noticeably higher, I'd guess partly because she grew up in a better world.

One of the books they mentioned is "My Brother's Husband" by Gengoroh Tagame. there are two volumes and it's such an outstandingly soft story. One of the best comics I've ever read. Yaichi and his daughter Kana get a visit from Mike, his brother's husband, after his brother died. It's about Yaichi trying to get over his homophobia and teach Kana to be a better, more accepting person than he was. Kana just accepts Mike straight away and thinks he's amazing.

Here is a selection of comic picks from the episode (by no means all of them). Here's Amy's crowdsourced queer comics recommendation thread, which is full of excellent reads, some of which they talked about.

4:45 Marc: "I'm glad [the Pulse shooter] is dead because he did a horrible, unforgivable thing, but part of me wishes someone had been there to give him a hug, you know?"

[I've been thinking about this sentiment and grace for two years.]

10:54 Marc: "We need to hold our government responsible with the same passion we do when Marvel has Spider-Man's costume wrong in an issue."

0:16:08 Taliesin: "It is a thing that happens to me occasionally on the internet, and this book brought this back up pretty significantly, and I don't do this all the time 'cause I only have so much emotional energy for a human being, especially, you know, times being what they are. I've only got so much of my brain power before I turn into a quivering mess."

0:16:25 Marc: "I can't wait for the day we can wake up and not be angry."

Taliesin: "I know. I'm so…"

Marc: "I'm so tired of being mad!"

0:16:31 Taliesin: "I take moments every morning, and of course being on the internet you get a lot of- there's hate and trolling that come my way, and a lot of it is nothing I didn't hear in high school, nothing that I'm not use to, you know, I've got a pretty thick skin, and I don't delve into the comments sections of videos or anything like that because I'm, you know, sane. But every now and then some body gets through and I just kind of want to have a moment of, like, I wish- and I want to test the theory that if I just find this person, I grab them for a second, and like, "Dude, are you alright? Like, do you need therapy because I'm in therapy and it's fucking great, and what can I-" I feel like, "When was the last time anyone asked you if you're just okay, if you need something 'cause, like, what the fuck, man?"

…

0:17:18 Taliesin: "I wish I had the energy for all these kids. I mean, like, it's so- and in real life I can do this, and I've had those moments in real life where you see someone losing their shit and you're like, 'Do you just need a fucking drink and someone to listen to you talk about your shit and not tell you that you're being, like-'"

Amy: "Or fewer drinks."

Taliesin: "I mean, like, often times just sit down, and I promise I'm not going to make fun of you, I'm not going to tell you you're being weak, tell me, like, what, man, what hurts?"

0:17:59 Marc: "I don't think most people are evil. I think that there's a percentage of people that occupy the White House that are pure evil…"

Taliesin: "I've had a couple roommates that I'm not even making a joke that are definitely into that spectrum, but most people are just lonely and sad."

Marc: "Well, most people want to live their life, be happy, and be left alone, and I think for me it all boils down to education is the key because when you have- when you're not educated, you're easily scared and when you're easily scared you look for scape goats. It's what one political party has been making their hay on for a number of years."

31:27 Marc: "We're all the same. We come up with things as a species to divide us when we're actually 99% the same. And we just let that 1% get in the way of everything."

36:01 Taliesin: "I started to figure out that this was the beginning of a process. And I was starting to notice, 'This is going to lead to the types of characters I want to see in my fiction. And I started breaking down this formula of there's things that you have to do in the momentum of pop culture to get the kind of characters you want. And this was one of the thing that you have to do. And I broke it down to metaphorical representation with books like the X-Men where there are no—there were almost no gay characters in the X-Men." Marc Andreyko: "Or Peppermint Patty, or Schroder."

Taliesin: "Well, those are then the Schrodinger's representations which are 'Are they? Aren't they? We're not going to say.' [Stage whisper] But they are.

"But we have the metaphorical, we have the Schrodinger, we hate the stereotypes, which are the these are the things people think they know about these people."

Marc: "The gay hairdresser, the black drug dealer…"

Taliesin: "Then you have the buddyism, which is you have the established characters going, 'Some of my best friends.' And then we can just have a character where this is part of the tapestry. Once we've gone through all of this stuff so that everybody has gotten it out of their system, we've kind of sifted the pop culture to the point that now you can just do it."

Marc: "But that's not just limited to LGBT."

Taliesin: "No, that's any."

Marc: You look at female characters, you look at African American characters, and what's interesting about the LGBT experience now is it's taken 100 years for Black characters, it's taken 100 years for women characters, the LGBT representation- In my lifetime- if you told me 20 years ago that the Supreme Court would say that marriage is a right, I would have said, 'No way.'"

Taliesin: "No."

Amy: "No way."

Marc: "If you had told me there was going to be a gay-straight alliance at my high school, where my graduating class was 1000 people, 99% of the them I'd say, 'No.' My high school reached out to me after the book came out to send copies to their library. The learning curve for LGBT- we have gotten the privilege of having a very accelerated learning curve on the backs of other minorities who are still struggling to get ahead."

Taliesin: "We got to live- you actually get to live to see the work pay off. Which is rare in human history.

Marc: "As you say, that's just the way it starts out. It starts with exotic, then it becomes noble savage, then it becomes villain, then it becomes minstrel, then it becomes best friend, then it becomes lead. That's just the evolutionary trail."

54:32 Taliesin: "Culture is not a rocket ship. We all don't get on the rocket ship to the planet culture and go up to the moon. Culture is like life: it is chaotic, it is violent, it is hungry… It is not normal for everything to just keep getting better all at the same time. It's normal for everything to get better over a period of the long game. In any internal point, chaos—"

Marc: "Well, Love is Love, a tragedy made that book come to life."

Taliesin: "That is the soil in which these things get planted, sadly."

Amy: "But that kid who graduates high school [because the book encouraged them when they thought they couldn't do it], who knows what happens."

0:55:04 Matt: "We've got Blackmarket Bingo asking, 'What does Pride mean to each of you individually?'"

0:55:11 Marc: "Well, pride to me is a loaded word because, as a writer, I think 'pride,' I think 'hubris,' I think pride can be a detriment. There's pride with a lowercase p and there's Pride with a capital P. I think, for me, Pride in the LGBT sense of the word is lack of shame, is owning who you are, and not apologizing for who you are."

Taliesin: "Personal honesty."

Marc: "And being a good person who's an honest person. If you're an honest person and you live your life by the only direction we need as people: treat people the way you want to be treated. I don't care if you're gay, straight, Black, white, Republican, liberal, conservative, whatever, if you treat people the way you want to be treated that is living Pride because you should be proud of us not yourself; you should be proud of the change you can affect to make the world a better place. And I know that sounds like fortune cookies or Opera, or Yanla (sp?) changed my life or something like that, but it is very true. So, a lot of these clichés are become cliché because they are very true. And I think if you just try and live your life honestly and be nice to people. Hold the door, let someone in in traffic, you know, talk to the old lady in line at the grocery store, you never know what difference that's going to make. You never know how that's going to change the course of someone's life, so why not?"

…

0:56:48 Taliesin: "The notion of, 'We're all in this together.' And I will say Pride for me has always been about… and I got a lot of, well, for various reason I got a lot of crap as a kid, but one of the things I got crap about was this notion from some people, this was the weird one, that I was somehow putting effort into being this kind of person. That this took effort, that I was somehow pushing forward a pretense, and I just kind of had to do the, "No, this is actually…"

Marc: 'Who has the energy?"

Taliesin: "Who has the energy to pretend to be this weird and awkward! This is just me letting go and if every- like-"

Marc: "I'm not Andy Kaufman, this is all real."

Taliesin: "This is not an act! this is just- I mean, occasionally it's curated, which is different, especially this being the internet, but like, just the notion that if we all are- and the honesty that I was talking about, it was not honesty to other people necessarily, but just waking up that morning and being the person you feel like being and then just treating everybody the way- and just finding that communication between real people, not people trying to live up to some notion of who they think they should be."

0:57:50 Marc: "Well, once again I'm going to circle this back to a quote Patty Jenkins said, she talked about how the word cheesy is banned on her sets because she said, 'When did we become afraid of genuine emotion and sincerity.' And I'm guilty of this; we've all become too cool for school; we've all become the kids in Heathers and all that. And that's kind of why we're at where we're at now: We're afraid to cry, we're afraid to let down our walls, and I can't even read the quote because I start bawling, but she talks about we're in a really difficult place as a species right now. We should be embracing sincerity and genuine emotion and that sort of thing. We shouldn't be afraid of it anymore. And I just responded to her, I tweeted back, 'Fuck yes!'

1:09:28 Marc: "There's something to be said for the hidden and the metaphor, you know?"

Taliesin: "Yes!"

Marc: "It's great that there's so much acceptance for LGBT characters and LGBT people today, but part of me wishes it was still back when I was in my 20s when you would get- you would see someone as a party and be like, [knowing nod] 'Yeah, I know,' and it was just unsaid or your would know that Peppermint Patty and Marcy are going to have a bed and breakfast in Oregon when they're adults."

Taliesin: "Obviously."

Marc: "And all that secret handshake stuff was… It's immeasurably better now and I'm putting this in… I would never want it to change, but there was something that the not knowing, the not having everyone be in on the joke, was nice because it also gave us an ownership of ourselves where it was the club we could control, we were the bouncer at the door of this club, and of course, ironically, homogenization is a good thing and to an extent of everyone being missed up, but there's something to be said about the subtlety of that, and I think a lot of times the subtlety and the metaphors are far more impactful than the direct."

1:15:41 Taliesin: "You have to be open to new ideas and you have to have faith in your ideas, if you think they're good ideas, that they're not… if they're good enough ideas, the world is not going to break them in half. They don't need to have a fence built around them. If you have good ideas and philosophies about the world, the world's not going to break them, it's going to enforce them.

1:20:10 Marc: "'Cause I always say that being gay is a huge part of who I am, but it's also an utterly insignificant part of who I am. We're all, once again, we're all have the same day to day struggles."

1:54:18 Amy: "I don't talk about it much, but I'm the B in LGBT, for the record. Doesn't tend to come up a lot."

Taliesin: "Are we going there?"

Amy: "Well, I am."

Taliesin: "Yeah, I am, too. Fuck it."

Taliesin looked at her with intense trepidation after she said it. Worried about what that step might mean, but also what it said about him if he did that whole episode about Pride and but was too scared to show it. And then wrote it off with a brief shrug and "Fuck it."

If you enjoy my work, consider supporting me through ko-fi, Patreon, or my shop. I'm severely disabled and it all helps justify my time spent on this project. Learn more about how and why to support me, including links.

#Wednesday Club #Geek & Sundry #Wednesday Club Transcript #Transcript #GSA

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/full-moon-in-ariestaking-us-deeper-within-self/

Full Moon in Aries~Taking Us Deeper Within Self

By A Gift From Gaia

This week begins today on an incredible full moon in Aries whilst gaining energy from a few interesting planets, such as Eris, Pluto and Jupiter highlighting the magnificent transformation we are collectively moving through and giving an almighty flush though our field to assist in our expansion of light.

The planets are our map, our way of making sense of our experience, a way of understanding self until the language of energy has been remembered and can be translated through the symbolic guidance our field provides, and once this is realised we see that the All is moving like the mechanics of the finest and yet intricate clock and yet whilst we have been gazing into the cogs and movement we forgot somewhere that there is a face in which we can read, tell, exactly where we are as a race.

Some may say the planets control All, I say we are All One moving together in a space and time the human can only comprehend as far as the limited mind allows, the visions we see, the spaces we find ourselves in often are untranslatable upon waking, and therefore currently non-shareable as we have no reference to be able to explain, a gift from me to me from the words of a poetic light code I once transmitted “don’t try to figure out what the soul already knows” allows no judgement when these mysterious patterns, shapes and what appears to be tools, equipment or machinery appear in the minds eye, just a simple smile to know all will be understood humanly when required and an inner knowing all is moving as always.

We are now rapidly expanding our fields, and this is becoming evident as we experience huge influxes of light that allow for instant manifestations, whatever is required will appear the moment the choice has been made, that’s the part that confuses many during these energies as those choosing to experience restriction find it very difficult to surf, getting confused by the energy navigation because all they perceive to manifest is repeats or restrictions, which is only ever a reflection of the choice to stay unconscious, the choice to continue with the same program frequencies and a refusal to expand the mind in order to open more gateways to the heart. It is always a choice and these choices will always show where they are standing in their own way and the more light that enters the more obvious it becomes. However when using this light as intended it is opening into opportunities to create super spaces in which we experience fields of unconditional love, the ever flowing never stopping streams of peace keep the fields fertile to continue building upon our new templates we anchor.

This full moon takes us deeper within Self, to make more adjustments, bringing in more self love, some may be focused on their out there world, relationships out there are nothing but a mirror of the relationship with self and whilst some may not realise this and be totally hooked up in the physical drama, that chaos and repeating pattern will begin to become so loud that going within will be the only place to figure it all out on a Divine level, again a choice, some will continue to reflect the dis-ease in this world and that is OK, it must die out and unconscious choices are down to the individual, we are not here to be the saviour, we are here to shine light, to be the example and through doing so we share the most divine codes. By caring about self, by opening the heart as wide as possible, by saying no without defence, judgement and blame and being open to renewal when understanding that a sorry is only ever a changed behaviour then we open into the most wonderful frequencies of compassion which is ultimately the greatest healer, seen as tough love until realised it is simply about respect and responsibility.

There is a key I share called the Sacred Fields that is available in the SOUL-AR Alignment Program space, a key that opens the magic of the field that creates spaces and experiences aligned with the heart frequency, whilst it is a key that takes full commitment to Self to use it is a key that will transform your earth experience into that of our Divine Purpose, creating Heaven on Earth.

The Full moon in Aries seats us firmly in the I am space, how this is experienced is completely dependent on the core frequency we hold but this may highlight attachments to the out there as Aries wants you to come back to self and begin again, Aries wants action, however sometimes Aries is a little too impatient, a little too pushy, and in its lowest octaves never pays attention or reads the fields which could possibly be experienced with some narcissistic type conversation, overly emotional connections, dramatic connections will be like crazy crossfire, ricocheting and pinging off every surface and nothing actually being a direct hit, the emotional moon, opposing the sun in libra ultimately wants us to move into harmonic frequencies, to level out our foundations and to make sure they are solid.

Some will find the mind is incredibly active, loops appear as repeating thoughts, repeating songs, repeating words, confusion heightens until the crack, the decision is made or the belief is released, higher octaves will lead the now clear mind into incredible spaces to expand, reading, finding out information on new pursuits, new hobbies, new reasons and motivators begin to arise…….palmistry is opening up into something I am really injoying learning about.

The Moon square Pluto continues the October theme of transformations, Pluto is a huge player in our evolution and will be continuing this ground level change until 2024 when he moves into the new phase that Aquarius will show. I think its also fair to say here that whilst we are preparing for the Great Conjunction in January what perhaps we should remember is that our personal planets are now getting prepared for their own conjunction with these bad boys, Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars are heading rapidly towards Jupiter who is rapidly heading into Capricorn to join Saturn and Pluto this means we have HUGE conjunctions waiting in the wings, and lets be honest, the collective have been experiencing the gnarly squares and oppositions, the intensity is only going to rise as they meet and take our race through a major reset.

The Full Moon is also conjunct Eris, I have been looking at my own personal journey this morning with these conjunctions, specifically Oct 2013 and October 2016, funny enough both of these were significant repeat endings of the deep wounding type of a relationship I once had, the pattern is so clear, 2013 experiencing what I would then have called narcissistic relationship, complete breakdown, silent treatment and all the rest, whereas in 2016 the pattern shifts from unempowered not knowing anything to 2016’s ahh I understand it through to todays realisation of completion and heart wide open.

Eris points to discord and can reverberate some of those deepest primal instincts, violence and abuse may well become topical for clearing, rebellion rises as do the emotions but don’t lose sight, this is being seen for the completion, the moon is also in conjunction with the fixed star Baten Kaitos which holds a very similar chaotic energy, heightening the emotions, showing depression for the self avoidance it is and yet guiding all within to the space of solitude to figure it all out, well it talks of isolation but that is just the lower unconscious octave of the heavenly space of solitude, its all rainbows and spectrums really.

Well that’s quite a sucker punch to shift the collective! The energy of this week is set and we can see we are heading deeper within to make more adjustments, make more space for light and expansion and to continue reaping what we sow, which as I said is instantaneous, because wherever we appear to move there is something just above us that says, choose conscious and you will reap a bountiful harvest and this Full Moon has just this, it is trine to Jupiter who is now in his final transits for 2019, he has been our planet of expansion, wanting in every moment for us to see our worth, our value, to appreciate, to share and to love MORE and what makes this Moon so super exciting is whilst you may well be diving into some choppy waters, you will also be diving so deep you will be able to pick up some ancient gems that have been long hidden from view. Cosmic surfers and deep conscious divers prepare for incredible gems to be surfaced, gems that have the ability to literally transform and expand upon the completion of those karmic experiences that brought you to this space, as I said it’s a reap what we sow energy and the fruits are ready to harvest.

In a couple of days we begin moving through the need for nurture, as Lilith and Ceres square off, Ceres being the ultimate Mother and nurturer and Lilith, oh Lilith I love you so and I don’t feel comfortable speaking about her as I have learned through the books and words of others, lets just say she is misunderstood in so many ways and I suggest you learn her story in order to harmonise this out within because there is likely to be some conflict, validating the inner child will be required which many find incredibly hard, especially to those who think themselves into healing the broken feminine connections which is what this transit highlights, the ability to move through the process of healing means at first we must feel once again the pain of that inner child, the let down we felt from the Matriarchal suppression, meaning we must stop suppressing the hate and the screams of the inner child that we held towards our Mothers, instead allowing it all to resurface from the septic wound that never healed, this is the most liberating journey, it is the most purest cleansing that can close those wounds, and though the validation of the child we can then introduce the understandings of the adult you, we can then and only then begin the invalidation of the programs because at the point of meeting with the inner child is the point in which the separation is healed and the trust for self is regained.

For those learning to balance out support, understanding about over supporting and finding the point of equilibrium which enables more to be shared with ease and no effort, this again assists those clearing out the programs of the unhealed healer and when we think we got it all we always realise there is more to be adjusted, the unification and coming together of those in your field is the best gauge, are you surrounded by those in need or are you surrounded by those who share, are you energised when you are with your tribe or are you depleted and needing rest.

By mid-week we have a powerful alignment with the Sun entering the domain of the fixed star Spica, our Babylonian Ancestors knew exactly the potency of this star and the following star, Arcturus in which both are incredibly beneficial stars to those who have aligned, I will come back to write about the incoming energy as we are due to receive some solar winds which will change this course of energy somewhat, from a within transformation to a dynamic reality transformation with the physical materialising as though the hand of God moved through delivering gifts, but again what this highlights is the ability to surf some incredible experiences by simply aligning to Source codes, allowing the movements to take us into areas that require attention in order to see the amazement of the higher frequency timelines that are available.

Another diverse week, the entire spectrum is open once you realised the power of the keys observation and choice, the space is here to expand before next week we begin with the Mars square the Nodes setting the tone for the next phase of our journey.

Sending All so much love!

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aliceslantern · 5 years

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Beyond this Existence: Counterpoint, chapter 13

Summary: After being recompleted, Ienzo vows to do everything in his power to atone for the atrocities he committed in the past. But this life hasn't been easy, and he's plagued with memories and nightmares. When Demyx suddenly reappears, the two discover that they have more in common than they thought, though the secrets in their past might tear them apart. Zemyx (Demyx/Ienzo), post kh3

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Several days passed. Ienzo remained near Demyx. The air felt as though it had been cleared, though guilt lingered. He’d been forgiven--again--for another silly mistake. He needed to do better, be better, especially as their relationship only deepened. There was no going back at this point. He couldn’t imagine it.

Winter came. The cold was bracing, more intense than he remembered, and even in layers of sweaters Ienzo shivered. To try and stay warm, they took walks. Talked about silly and ultimately meaningless things. Demyx was recovering beautifully, but something felt slightly… off, something that Ienzo could not quite verbalize. There was a simultaneous emptiness and fullness to his gaze. Now that he was completely human, was he regaining his memories? But wouldn’t he have felt that prudent to mention to Ienzo? He didn’t seem quite depressed, or at least wasn’t exhibiting any of the textbook signs. In fact, he seemed more cheerful than normal, smiling often, cracking wry jokes that lacked humor. Was it a ruse masking deeper pain? At what point should Ienzo try and intervene?

The potency of their acknowledged feelings had changed things. He tried to mentally prepare himself for newer milestones in their relationship, physical or emotional. He was becoming used to the sense of anticipation mixed with nerves; it was more bearable than the rest of his anxiety. One of these wintery days, Ienzo went on an errand, alone, with the guise of purchasing medical supplies for Even. The shopkeeper did not blink when he asked for the lubricant. Ienzo hid it in the bag of bandages and bottles. Returning home, he buried it in his bedside drawer and decided not to think about it until absolutely necessary. Better to be overprepared than not.

One afternoon, it started to snow as they relaxed in the library. It had been ages since Ienzo had seen real snow. He listened to the luscious silence of it, becoming aware of time passing. This was home, and there was no leaving it. To know that he’d plant his roots here was simultaneously soothing and wrenching. He’d never had that before, through childhood and adolescence. Rediscovering these concepts of home and family ached a little, but it was a good pain. A growing pain.

“I haven’t seen snow here in years,” Ienzo said.

“It’s pretty,” Demyx said.

“...Pretty,” Ienzo echoed. His eyes caught the curve of Demyx’s jaw.

“Do you want to go outside?”

“I think I rather would.”

Bundled in layers, they stood outside the castle gates. Already the snow was falling thickly, blanketing everything in a silent wall of white. He wanted to lay down in the snow and watch it all fall. To let it cover him. That might be soothing.

Cold wetness hit him in the face. He wiped it off and turned, only to see Demyx with another snowball in hand. “You do realize this means war, right?”

He couldn’t ever remember playing like this. Maybe when he was very young. Aeleus and Dilan had taken him out in the snow a few times, but he’d caught the flu and Ansem discouraged it afterwards. He found himself enjoying it immensely and was proud when he got more hits on Demyx than he did on Ienzo. In the middle of this playfight, Aeleus had come out to start shoveling, and he watched them with a small smile.

“For a scrawny scientist, you have a good arm,” Demyx muttered. His next shot went wide and hit Aeleus square in the back of the neck.

“Run!” Ienzo screamed. Aeleus’s large hands were perfect for hitting them both with snowballs at the same time.

“If we team up we can take him,” Demyx insisted.

“Believe me, we can’t,” Ienzo said. “He is absolutely ruthless.”

Now that he was no longer a child, Aeleus did not hold back, and pelted them until they were both soaked. “We surrender!” Demyx cried. Aeleus nodded, and then went back to spreading salt like nothing had happened. “Ugh, I’m soaked.”

“I’m freezing,” Ienzo said. “Let’s call it a draw.”

Armed with dry clothes and tea, they sat in front of the fireplace and tried to get warm. Demyx’s arm was around him and Ienzo allowed himself to relax fully against him. This was what humanity was supposed to feel like, comforting and pleasant and natural. But Demyx didn’t relax back.

“Are you still cold?” Ienzo asked. “You’re tense.”

“I have to tell you something,” he said. “But I’m not… I’m not ready. I keep trying and trying.”

“Is it something about your past?” Ienzo asked.

Demyx nodded.

He considered this. “Is it something bad you’ve done?”

He hesitated, and shook his head.

Ienzo thought about what it would feel like to verbalize his own experiences. It would be difficult, almost impossible, to even scratch the surface. “Take your time,” Ienzo said. “Whatever it is can wait until you’re ready.”

“Are you… are you sure?”

“Of course I am.” Were they in a rush? Anyway, he wasn’t necessarily entitled to know everything about him. As long as there were no major, threatening lies, what did it matter? The past could reveal itself at a natural pace.

“...Thank you.”

Ienzo kissed him. This had been a good day, a normal day. He could feel something like happiness. He let himself be kissed, let the ever-present guilt melt away into a background hum. He felt as though he were coming undone. He pulled away gently and touched Demyx’s cheek. “I do love you. I realize I didn’t quite say it.”

He blushed. “You said it enough.”

He could feel his own face burning. “I know that. I wanted to... to say it again. Perhaps if I'm articulate about my feelings I can understand them."

“Is it helping?” Demyx asked.

He softened a little. He realized that emotion and reason did not quite exist on a spectrum; trying to see them as such was harmful, even reductive. “Not quite. Not even close.”

Demyx kissed him first this time, quite tenderly. It was getting easier for Ienzo to open up like this, to let vulnerability bleed off of him. He brought his hands up through Demyx’s hair. He heard Demyx whisper that he loved him and Ienzo brought him still closer. Longing flooded him. He draped a leg around Demyx’s waist, wanting an unfamiliar sort of closeness.

This thought broke his concentration somewhat, and he pulled away, breathless. “I…”

“What?” he asked.

How did he say it? Did it need to be said? Surely he had to at the very least ask. “I want…” The words died in his throat. He tried again. “I feel like I…”

Demyx also looked away. "...Do you want to go back to your room?" he offered.

“Yes.”

The hallways were empty. Ienzo found himself grateful that there was nobody else around. He was almost a little too aware of what he was doing, what he was about to do. This shouldn’t feel awkward. But yet it did. They shut the door behind them. Ienzo took his hand and led him over to the bed, but remained standing there, shaking a little.

"Are you okay?" Demyx asked.

"I feel... shy," he whispered. "Isn't that strange?"

"I do too." He wrapped his arms around Ienzo and pulled him close, and for a moment he just rested against Demyx’s shoulder. His heart was racing, but so was Demyx’s. After a long moment of this, Ienzo looked up. Demyx kissed him with the same soft hesitance as before. His hands slid down Ienzo’s back, bringing with it an onslaught of want. Ienzo slipped his hands under Demyx’s shirt and eased it off, hearing something like a gasp. This encouraged him and eased the nervousness somewhat. Demyx took off his sweater. Ienzo pulled him closer and tried to ease down onto the bed, but overbalanced, and they both ended up falling gracelessly onto the mattress.

Demyx laughed a little. “You’re not exactly graceful.”

He couldn’t help but laugh a little too. “You compromise me.”

“It’s my natural charm.”

Another rush of nerves came over him, almost paralyzing him. He was ready, he was sure of it; but he should say something, right? Seek consent, or give it? Or let things run their course naturally?

Demyx seemed to notice this struggle. “What’s wrong?”

"Nothing. That is to say..." He bit his lip. "Do you... recall, the first time we were at all intimate, and I asked you... I asked you if it was painful." His voice was barely audible.

He blushed. “...Yeah.”

“How so?”

He shifted his weight a little. When he spoke, he couldn’t quite look Ienzo in the eye. "It's not... terrible. Not great, though. But it gets… better.”

Ienzo couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. He had to spit it out. “Would you want to… would you want to try that?”

He exhaled sharply, blushing even harder. "Yeah. Are you sure you're ready? It's a big step."

"You make me feel safe," he said simply. "I want to... experience everything."

He kissed Ienzo. Ienzo struggled to remove his own slacks and underwear, and to deal with Demyx’s too. The way they were tangled didn’t make it easy, but he managed it. “Wait,” Demyx said.

His breath caught.

Demyx bit his lip. "We kind of need lube. I mean. I'm not, like, huge, or anything, but you can't just..."

“I know. I’ve… been prepared.” He reached into the drawer for the bottle and set it down. “Are you ready?”

He laughed wryly. "Yes. But I... I... you drive me crazy."

"Be glad it isn't literal," he said, and kissed him.

Something like this wasn’t quick, and it took more thinking than it should. Demyx stroked him a few times, which helped him get his mind off the unknown. "Can you shift forward a little?" he asked Ienzo. "Your hips, so I can--" He was nervous too, and this was a comfort.

He listened, letting his knees fall open. Demyx’s eyes were full of warmth. "You're so beautiful."

He snorted a little. “You flatter me.”

Demyx took the lube and spread it across his fingers. Ienzo was somewhat relieved. He’d been preparing himself for all of it at once. “This first. Try to relax.”

He tried to listen, but he never consciously thought about these muscles. There was a moment where Demyx seemed to struggle to gather himself. Ienzo felt him fumbling down there, and then a lot of pressure.

“Does that hurt?”

He tried to relax, having unconsciously clenched his fists. “Not quite pain. It’s unexpected.” After a moment, the pressure subsided a bit, only to increase when another finger slid into him, with a sharp prickling sensation. Ienzo gripped his upper arm. “That does hurt a little.”

"Okay. Okay. Too dry, or--?"

"I think I need to adjust." He shut his eyes for a moment, trying hard to relax, even as self-consciousness and nerves threatened. Demyx kissed him. The warmth of it chased away the pain, and he waited another moment or so to be sure. “It’s okay now.”

“You sure?”

"It's the pressure, I think. I never quite thought..." He didn’t think it would feel like this . "Dreams and thoughts tend to be... more instantly pleasurable." Easier. Less embarrassing.

"I thought you'd never--"

"That doesn't mean I don't think about it."

He laughed a little. "Do you think I could... try to..."

Ienzo reached up to touch his face. "Slowly."

He used more of the lube on himself this time. Ienzo realized he’d never quite seen it before. It had always been too dark before, or hidden in a bundle of blankets. Anticipation made him shiver. Demyx’s need to compliment him earlier made a lot more sense. Demyx was quite beautiful.

Ienzo tried to ease forward a little more. There was a little bit more fumbling, and he could feel the tip of it against him, warm and insistent. More pressure, this time, and while there wasn’t pain, there was no real pleasure, either. Demyx shuddered and eased inside of him gently.

“Are you alright?” Ienzo asked him.

“Yeah, I just…” He shut his eyes. “It feels really good.”

He figured that a few minutes of feeling uncomfortable was worth making Demyx feel that good. Ienzo kissed him and drew him a little closer. He felt his dick rubbing against his stomach. At least this much was good. Demyx bucked up against him. A fissure of sharpness--so sudden he wasn’t quite sure what it was--broke his awareness. Something good. Too good to put it to words.

He must’ve made some kind of sound. “I’m sorry,” Demyx said.

“It didn’t hurt,” he insisted. “I assure you. I felt--”

He smiled. “Oh. Well. That’s good.”

Demyx leaned against him. It took some more fumbling before he got comfortable with it, and before Ienzo could feel the same almost sharp pleasure. There was a richness to it, a complexity, moreso than their other encounters. He found himself losing track of the outside world, getting caught up in his body and the tightness inside of him. It was too good to last much longer, he knew. A lot of things were making sense that hadn’t before.

Ienzo tightened the arm that he’d wrapped around Demyx’s waist (when had that happened?). He kissed him feeling warm all over, and fragile.

Demyx broke off the kiss. He whispered something, but Ienzo couldn’t quite hear it. Again, there was no anxiety, or fear, just the pureness of the moment. He couldn’t hold it back if he tried. It was the most intense orgasm he’d had, leaving him feeling faint and so very vulnerable as the endorphins began to fade. There was something like a flush of warmth inside him as Demyx came too. They pulled their bodies gently apart.

Demyx lay down next to him and took his hand.

Sweet overstimulation made him feel shaky, but he wasn’t trembling outwardly. Ienzo blinked, trying to clear his head. He looked over and saw tears in Demyx’s eyes.

“You’re crying,” Ienzo said.

“It’s a good cry.”

He understood. His own heart felt so full it might burst open, and his body was still hyperaware of every little touch. He’d never felt so muchbefore, at least, not so much pleasure. “I… I never thought I could contain so much feeling,” he said shakily. “At first… admittedly… I could not understand why it is people do this, and then… well…”

“I hit the spot?”

“So to speak.”

He smiled. “It’ll get easier,” Demyx said.

“Yes. I… look forward to the practice. But for now… I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed. Can we just rest for a while?”

“I love you.”

Ienzo could tell he relished saying those words. Perhaps Demyx had never had anyone he’d ever loved in any capacity. “And I you.”

----

To go back to a normal, everyday life after that was… odd.

Ienzo didn’t believe in the concept of virginity, but to say that things weren’t different afterwards was completely incorrect. He’d changed, experienced something very intense and very human, and simply put, life would never be the same. While Demyx didn’t say anything on the matter, Ienzo thought that he might feel similarly. They didn’t say much; they didn’t really have to. He slept deeply and woke up with a soreness in his hips that only grew more noticeable when he walked to the bathroom.

The warm water soothed him and helped with the pain. It felt no worse than muscles after a good amount of exercise, but it was a tangible reminder of what had happened. He dressed gingerly and combed his hair. Looking in the mirror, he saw more himself than Zexion. This was far out of his past self’s understanding.

Clean, he returned to the kitchen and looked through the gummiphone, feeling an overwhelmed sort of happiness.

After about half an hour Demyx returned from his bath. “I slept like a rock,” he said, as if they hadn’t shared the same bed. “Coffee?”

“Please,” Ienzo said. He wondered if they should talk about it, to debrief, but he kind of liked the understated quiet of the moment.

Breakfast, coffee. Demyx’s knee rested against his. “...You feel okay?” Demyx asked.

So he did want to talk about it. If only there wasn’t a fear of being overheard. Everyone might know of their relationship, but they didn’t need to know specifics. Ienzo listened for rogue footsteps and heard nothing. “I’m… a little sore,” he admitted. “It is bearable, though.”

"Me too. Your death grip on my arm didn't help."

"I... did not mean to hurt you," he said. "I was not exactly fully aware of my surroundings."

Demyx smiled. "It's fine. I'm just teasing."

"Are you alright?"

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m good, actually.” He laid his hand on top of Ienzo’s. “I didn’t think things would feel so different.”

“I agree,” he said quietly. “I think the whole ordeal was new to both of us.”

“Very,” Demyx said.

“It was a big step. Insofar as these things go. It never made sense to me before, how invested people became in one another, how vulnerable it made them. Yet I feel as though I’m finally coming together. I’ve found a wholeness as well.”

Demyx picked up his hand and kissed it. “Do you want to work together today?” he asked.

Ienzo pretended to check Demyx’s temperature. “Are you sure you’re feeling quite alright? If I heard you correctly, you want to work. ”

He snorted. But his tone was rather earnest. “You know, I kind of do,” he said. “Things got really intense, really fast. I need a breather after these few days.”

Ienzo couldn’t help but agree. “Let’s take our time.” Really they had only been together about a month. “I should like to work with you again.”

The study room was cold, though the sunlight helped a little. Demyx started, very carefully, copying the master score onto clean staff paper. Really it made sense to have two copies of these things, especially given how old and fragile the original was. Ienzo watched him write, trying to summon the energy or strength to do his own work, finding little. His mind was drawn, irrevocably, to the fact that he’d abandoned his prior research. Abandoned Sora.

As much as he tried to internalize the fact that investigating farther would be dangerous, and he really just had to wait like everyone else, the usual guilt put an anxious knot in his throat. He hated feeling helpless. Hated grieving.

Ienzo leaned against Demyx’s shoulder and watched him write. Initiating touch was easy now, no longer so overwhelming. He always had such a clean scent, like salt and ginger. Ienzo rarely missed his old uncanny sense of smell, but now was one of those times. Demyx copied the lines quickly and cleanly, and Ienzo noted that he was also putting down the runes at the end of each line with a strange sort of ease. “You actually have rather nice handwriting. I’ve seen your old mission reports. What, were you trying to make it more difficult for Saïx?”

“I wrote them with my left hand,” Demyx admitted. “The guy was a jerk! Why make things easy for him?”

Ienzo shook his head. “I admit he was… a character.” Even for a Nobody, Saïx’s cruelty had been uncalled for, particularly towards the neophytes. Isa’s kindness now was all the the more bizarre.

“But you were always so good, so he never bothered you.”

“...Precisely.” Ienzo had to admit that he was very good at doing what he was told. He’d believed--naively, childishly--in what the Organization sought. Kingdom Hearts. To him, it had meant infinite knowledge, to the others it symbolized power. They’d all been mere pawns in a bigger game. And Ienzo’d thought he’d been so clever.

Demyx shook out his hand. “I’m surprised as researchers you guys don’t have a copier.”

“Well--we did ,” Ienzo said. The memory made him cringe a little. “It was down in Even’s lab because he fought tooth and nail to have it by his side. But one of his experiments went awry, who-knows-what got all over the damn thing, and it’s back to hand-copying or printing everything.” Really Even was more of a chemical engineer, playing with compounds and matter. How else had he made the replicas?

“At least it’s easier to read this way. I’m betting the guy was running out of paper. Everything’s so cramped together.” Demyx straightened the pages he’d completed.

Ienzo studied them closely. The text at the side was in both runes and their language. “You divided out the sections. Did you look at my translations while I was speaking to Ansem?”

“The what now?”

He touched the margins. The writing was clear as day-- mandolin, cello, oboe, and so on and so forth. Demyx’d done both the key and the abbreviations on the page.

“I must have been thinking of something else,” Demyx said, but there was a puzzled look on his face. He shuffled back to the old score. “Remember that “F or S” thing you wondered about?” He sounded strained.

“Your tone is concerning,” Ienzo said. “Whatever’s happened?”

“It could’ve been an F. F for flute. But it wasn’t. It’s S for--” He cut himself off and exhaled sharply. He put a hand to his face, as though it hurt.

Ienzo blinked. “Sitar? That’s an unusual coincidence.” His mind was spinning. Against his will it was all making sense--

Demyx barked out an odd laugh. “It’s not a coincidence, Ienzo.”

#beyond this existence: counterpoint #ienzo #demyx #zemyx #demyx/ienzo #beyond this existence

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smolbeandrabbles · 5 years

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Out of Nowhere Girl - Talos/Keller/OC (Captain Marvel)

Set In Canon MCU Captain Marvel / Guardian’s of the Galaxy Universe with a few out-of-canon ‘twists’...

Author’s Note: Posting this a week after I see Captain Marvel (AS FOLLOWS CANON!) but still tagging with spoilers.

Oh my god. I was having an existential crisis after the movie and the fic that I posted that is not canon (Science & Faith. If you want to read you can click the thing) That I wrote this between acts at the C2C country music festival on 9th March... That makes this the quickest write and edit I have EVER done. It’s probably quite telling... (It’s 10/3/19 @ 8:26 PM GMT.) She is with Keller, Talos just simed him. I’m making that clear right now! It’ll make sense when you read! This is an alternate version to ‘Science & Faith’ - so that characters there are the same. This one just follows actual movie canon.

Don’t worry it’s not the same story. It has a few similar elements... It will likely go back and forth between the two time periods. Please someone get what I did with his full name... 😂😭

NOT reader insert. Disclaimer: I own nothing but my OC... I am slightly bending canon on Supernova; but I liked the concept. Maybe I've set it so there's more than one? Like a special forces part of the Nova Corp? (Tbh still figuring this out) So you can have it coming from another Saal... sorry not sorry Expositional conversation-narrative heavy... Sorry!

Simmed? Simed? Sim-ed? Which is it!?

Premise: When Keller gets sim-ed by Talos as a result of the Kree-Skrull war the aftermath is of no great consequence to his partner... However, when exploring on behalf of the Nova Corps Keller’s distress signature coming from a planet half way across the galaxy leads her to investigate...

Word Count: 4384

Warnings: Spoilers! Murder (I guess) Actually this might assume you know about her from Science & Faith...

My little out, out of nowhere girl Where you been all my life? Where you been trying to hide? It's like you’ve come Come from another world Fell right out of the sky And landed right here tonight...

Keller had had a day. He’s had days before, as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and sometime-Scientist he expected for days to be a part of his life. But this had been something else entirely. When he opened the door to his apartment, he was at least glad to be greeted by an essence of normality. Well, as normal as it could get he supposed…

Maliyah was pouring over drawing after drawing and ship schematics. She still couldn’t get something on that ship of hers to work right. Or, maybe she knew she was just stalling for time… She looked up with a smile; “I can already tell you have a lot to tell me…” “Yeah…” He sighed, throwing his keys on the counter and allowing a pause. “It’s where to start…” He looked across to her, at the way her skin sparkled just at his presence… She’d crash landed to Earth nearly two years previously. Through studying her they had built a friendship – and now it was a lot more than that. The blue lights across her skin; because, all of his were blue or white, or purple… used to only light up when he touched her. Or, when he was feeling something at the extreme end of the spectrum. They turned red every time he got hurt, and that hurt her too… So he’d tried to make his life easier. Tried. Now the lights appeared just because he was in proximity… She said that showed they had a strong bond. Keller was only human, so he felt proud of that. He hadn’t ever expected to see anything else otherworldly – until today happened. “Maliyah… You know a lot about the other species out there… right?” She put her pen down and turned her full attention on him; “Yes. Enough. Why?” “Because you were the only other race I thought I’d ever see. But clearly, I was wrong. Because-” He faltered, squinted in remembering and then tried again “…Tell me about shapeshifters?” “Narrow that down. It isn’t an exclusive trait…” She tilted her head “…But now I’m worried.” “Okay, uh… Green… pointed ears… Like… linear markings or patterns…or…” “Skrulls!?” She was takenaback “Skrulls on Earth!?” Then she slammed her hands on the table, more in interest that anger; “WAIT! Did you get SIMED by a Skrull!?!??!” Clearly he had no idea what that meant by the look on his face, but she couldn’t hide her laugh; “…Wait. Skrulls are on Earth? Okay, I’ll roll with it… Did a Skrull shapeshift into YOU.” “…Yes.” She laughed again “Oh God!” Then she attempted to stop herself “Oh! Baby, that’s terrible!” “Doesn’t sound like you mean it.” She cleared her throat, “Whilst it’s funny it’s not exactly good news…” She rested her hands on her thighs and chewed her lip “…What did you think about..?” “Huh?” “Your last thoughts. Before they simed you.” “Probably something like: Oh GOD I hope I don’t die?!” “You didn’t think about me, at all?” He hesitated, it probably wasn’t the best idea to confess to his other half he hadn’t thought about her whilst waiting on the fate of his own life… “…Uh…No…?” “Good.” “Good?!” She was clearly as full of surprises. As any ‘alien’ should be, he guessed. “Yes. I’m an Auron, my race and my planet are dying… Sightings of us are rare even in our part of the galaxy… As an adult female I am worth a hell of a lot to my home planet – And a lot of my abilities will be worth something to a race like to Skrulls.” “…So you’re telling me that not talking about you – like you asked - and therefore obviously not consciously thinking of you is good?” She nodded; “I wonder if the Kree war has come all the way out here?” She almost laughed again “That’s no good for me either… Considering my affinity with Xandar… You’ve done very well if they don’t know a THING.” “…Have you seen me today!?” Her sentence sparked panic in him. “Right now and when you left. I haven’t been out of here even once. I’ve been working this algorithm…” she shook her head “You haven’t come back, I haven’t called you… Zip. I promise.” “…Okay…” “Don’t worry about me… I’m more worried about you… Getting Simed is not the experience you want to have… are you okay?” “Seeing someone change into me… That’s bad, getting tied up and left in a Blockbuster though… Ehhhhh….!” She shook her head “…You really went through it then, huh?” She beckoned him over, and he was all too glad to walk into her arms… She brushed some stray hairs out of his face, her touch gentle and welcoming… A different set of colours formed on her skin – these lights pale and milky… pastels… enveloping him in her arms the effect was instantly calming… “I’m sorry…” “…You don’t need to be sorry…” “I told you, nothing about another race coming to Earth is good…” He almost laughed; “That makes you an anomaly then… You must be the one good thing.” ** Nick Fury almost jumped at the next knock at his door. This time it was Keller that opened it. "Oh! SIR!!!" He looked more than a little weary and Keller knew why. "Nick, I swear it's actually me! And I can prove it, but to do so you have to come with me." "Yeah that sounds... Safe." "Unfortunately I'm not the one who needs to information in your head. Or I could just stand here." He winced as he realised it maybe wasn't the best choice of words "Urm. Look just... Come to my office..." He backed out with an attempt at a convincing smile and wandered down the corridor to his own work space.

As usual it was hard to get Maliyah to look inconspicuous. This time she put up a fair argument of she'd only be going car, to security door, and then to his office. Still, she was sitting in a top that cut across her shoulders AND exposed her stomach and a short, layered skirt that showed off her legs. The marks across her skin, and all his fault, were more than just visible. And the jacket she'd brought because he insisted she wore one, was of course emblazoned with her Nova Corp rank insignia. Geez... He almost thought about loosening his tie just looking at her. She was curled up in one of his chairs reading a file of his. He rolled his eyes, of course the first thing Maliyah would do was break into his cabinet. She had a stack in front of her too. Her shoes kicked off and left by the chair. "I've asked him. The rest is up to you." "Does he trust you?" She didn’t look up "Would you?!" "...Not entirely. Depends what Sim Keller did!!!" "Well it probably wasn't GOOD!!" He sat behind his desk and nodded to her files; "Careful with those." She turned a page towards him "Why do you have a Nova symbol?" "It’s a very complicated astrological algorithm..." Why she thought everything centred around the 8-point star of Xandar was beyond him. "... Did you do this..." she nodded to the algorithm itself "Yes" "You're a scientist!?" "Part time... I don't... Not all the time... I dabble..." "That's why you wanted my blood. Right?" "Your bloodwork is... Incredible." "You should have tried some Skrull blood if you think MINE is interesting." He was at least amused; "... Bit late for that advice!!" then tilted his head; "Does it… Change? Now we are... Now we have a...?" connection? Did her race give that a name? "Yes?" "We should do yours again." "Worry about your own." She noticed the way he furrowed his eyebrows in concern; "... What we did... It'll affect yours too." He stared at his hands with wide eyes "And I'm not entirely sure what being simed will do to you…" "Geez! I clearly just need to take you everywhere with me don't I!?" "I don’t wanna get Simed...!!!!" That was the wrong thing to say as his door opened.

Jonathan knew it, and Malyiah knew it by the way he put his head in his hands. She thought it was cute. She thought a lot of things humans did to display their emotions were cute. She hadn't known a race feel so acutely as this. She'd chosen well, she couldn't have ever expected to. He was the best surprise. Nick looked across to the female voice that had spoken and almost had a heart attack; He wasn’t faced with a straight-laced, suited, female S.H.I.E.L.D agent. Instead her purple fading to pink hair, eyes so deep blue they were purple, the mish-mash of clothes she was wearing - that still strangely matched - and the foreign markings visible every so often on her skin, like someone had tattooed her with white ink, made him think she wasn’t human at all. "Who the hell are--!?!" Jonathan Keller jumped quickly to her rescue; "Nick there's a lot of classified stuff that's happened in the last two years..." "Two years!? WHAT!?" "Remember that crash we were called to in Utah?" "... Yeah. Highest level. You were there ages... No-one ever spoke about it." "Yeah... Uh..." he brought his hands together and pointed across to the girl in the chair. "...Hi!" she smiled "You must be Nick Fury." He turned to Keller "Sir!!! Don't start telling me there's more of them!!! What is she S.H.I.E.L.D intelligence!?!" "... The fact there IS more of them is exactly why we NEED to tell her everything. But I was tied up in a Blockbuster ok, so I'm no help! You are." She was looking down at herself; did she look like S.H.I.E.L.D intelligence? Nick wasn’t sure he was following; "He employed you... Right? That's why you're here and you know everything...?" "No I'm not employed. HEY! Jonathan there's a thought!" "I'm not paying you. That's got implications I'd rather not have...!" If Maliyah didn’t catch on, Keller's agent did; "Wait---!! Are you two!?" Nick quickly grasped the situation as he pointed between the two of them. Keller nodded in silent admittance "It wasn't meant to be like that. I had to study her... But they were... It was inhumane Nick. I moved her out here... She's trying to get her ship back in order." Malyiah shrugged as if that wasn’t the explanation she would give; "I won't know what I'm gonna do until it's fixed. At the moment it's in a high security area back in Utah..." "Yeah, I've seen it. I didn't know there was anyone involved... So you know about the Kree? And Skrulls." Her jaw tightened at the mention of the Kree; "So they DID bring their war here." "I'm not sure it was intentional." she hummed, fingering the pages of the file she was reading for a second "And what happened? Where are they now?" "Gone. Why..." "Gone where!? Like gone, gone!?" Keller looked glad of that, juxtaposing Maliyah’s sudden panic. "She didn't say where she was taking them..." he narrowed his eyes "Whose side are you on!?" Fury wouldn’t risk Carol’s life. Never. "... I'm not really on anyone's side... BUT... I guess I align better with the Skrulls..." She gave a shrug. "... The war isn't my problem. Them siming Keller is my problem. The Kree out here with me here that's ALSO my problem. " " Maliyah..." It was Keller’s warning " I'm not trying to start anything!" she held her hands up and turned back to Nick; "You can't help me, but you know they’re all gone? " " We have a Flerken though... " "I can tell by your eye... " she tilted her head, reading Fury’s own emotions; "What are you afraid of?? Is it him or me?? I'm stronger than you Terrans are but I'm not dangerous... And he's him. But I can understand the wary feeling there... " Nick tried to make it look like he wouldn't be afraid of Keller and he didn't know what she was talking about... And it worked. For around half a second. He took a breath and pointed to his boss; "Prove he isn't one." "He's not. He reacts to me." "Prove you aren't one." "I doubt they can get my empathic abilities spot on... They can probably try, but I doubt that they can get their skin to react exactly the same... It’s a unique pattern... And it's triggered through a DNA reaction. A Skrull would need both, but it can only sim to one set of DNA... " "Hang on... What?! And - WHAT!?" Nick realised he hadn’t listened to her first explanation clearly. She took a breath; "Like this..." She watched him carefully as she guided years of evolution through her race to latch onto Keller... The feel of him around her was intense enough to let the bright lights flicker over her skin in all his shades. Nick was at least staring at her in wonder. "That's how you know I'm not one.” "... How does... That work?" She tilted her head "At first instance. For these unique patterns... Intimacy. Real physical intimacy. For anything more than that... For a real connection... Blood. His mixed with mine, mine with his." "That sounds... Painful…” His eyes flicked to Keller again, who was keeping his gaze locked on Maliyah; "Have you..." "No. I wouldn't ask that of him." She didn't like that Nick would insinuate that she would "It is by far a conversation for another time..." Nick at least noticed that Keller look uneasy, which settled him a little. He changed the flow of the conversation again; "Why are you so intent on knowing where they went?" She shook her head "I'm just trying to make sure they don't know about me. And the only way to do that is to check in on their simed memories." "I don't think they are much of a threat to you... Right?" "Huh." Maliyah folded her arms "I'd rather they didn't tie him up and sim him. Guess we'll let that one go too, huh?" He had to crack a smile, she wasn’t human. Obviously, but she was so human. He wondered if that was her upbringing or Keller’s influence; "Nick Fury, S.H.I.E.L.D Agent.” She stood to shake his hand; "Maliyah Saal. Nova Corps. Ravager Captain... Auron by way of Xandar... Pleasure to meet you." She gave him a warm smile, and it was like he instantly got why Keller had been taken in. She seemed strong, she had a sass about her that clearly EVERY extra terrestrial had... But she had an instant warmth... She turned to Keller which made Nick do the same; " I think we could be in the clear... Guess we'll need to keep a check on everything. " "You'd make a good agent. Are you sure we can't hire her!? " "Absolutely not." Keller let him know he thought he must be joking. She laughed, with a wink; "It's okay, Nick. My duty is to the Nova Corps. I leave S.H.I.E.L.D in the capable hands of its Human workers... "

" I think I've figured it out. " "What? " "The problem with your ship...? " "... At 3am!?" "You’re clearly not sleeping either..." She rolled over to stare at him. He was looking at the ceiling. His glasses were pushed up into his hairline and he was squinting "... No, I really think I've cracked it." "At least I was awake for something that wasn't stupidly thinking about fixing my damn ship." "No... But... I looked at your notes. You've been working on them for two years... I wanted to help... And formulate some for myself. I think I've got it Maliyah. I think I can get you home..." He turned to face her, but the look she gave was one of fear. "Don't you dare say that like I want to leave!" "Maliyah... You know it is dangerous for you to stay here... " He was extraordinarily calm. Like he was already letting her go. It only caused her to shake her head. "NO!" She buried herself in him; digging her nails into the skin of his arms and her head on his chest her colours burst into life and illuminated his darkened room. "Maliyah..." He ran a hand through her hair "... Let me let you go... Earth is not where you belong." She shook her head again; "Look at this..." He took her hand in his free one and lifted her arm, the way the colours danced for him. "Jonathan. I don't belong out there either... I belong with you." "I cannot protect you from your planet..." "Do not ask me to leave. I will not leave you." He was pretty sure she was crying... He gathered her close in his arms. "I'm human.... Maliyah... My race is breakable. It's vulnerable... It’s clear to me we have NO idea what’s really out there... You don't want this..." "Stop telling me what I want. I HAVE what I want." "Anywhere else in the world and I would believe that." "... What about anywhere else in the universe?" "Huh?" She looked at him, sadness in those purple-blue eyes... But something else too. An idea sparking to life: "If you can really help me fix my ship... Come with me. Come back to Xandar with me..." "Mali... I can't just leave..." "WHY!? Everything in your head we could use on Xandar." "Maybe... Maybe one day..." He said it softly "But your planet... If it’s at war.... It needs YOU and until you win; and you will win it my supernova... Until Earth gets a good grip on things out there... You cannot stay. And I cannot go."

** …10 Years Later… Maliyah piloted the Milano very cautiously. She knew the sector of space; just not as well as she would have liked. Kree these days were still running havok. Maybe not too much around Xandar... But things were shaky at best, which is why she was piloting her tiny Milano though this, rather than her Nova Corps star ship. The planet that Keller’s "distress signal" was coming from looked small and harmless. But it was the other side of the galaxy. Keller, even on Earth’s best space day, was not reaching here any time soon.

It made her hesitate. She shouldn't trust it, but what choice did she have? It didn't mean that someone hadn't taken Jonathan here, although that was unlikely it was not impossible. And it wasn't like it was a signal to her ship... Or any communications device. Keller’s very DNA and feelings were sending a direct signal to her. And for nothing in this known universe would she ignore something like that. Entering the planet’s atmosphere she knew exactly why the feeling was of distress. It looked dead. Or at least incinerated. The earth was scorched and there wasn't a trace of greenery or life anywhere. Yet, the feeling persisted. Which meant whatever was giving off Keller’s signal was here. And was very much alive.

She landed on about the clearest strip of land she could find that the Milano would fit into and took a deep breath. Whatever she was about to face would not be good. She was already suited up for Supernova... Hopefully she wouldn't have to use it. Exiting the Milano she kept her blaster holstered. She wouldn't fire unless fired upon and whoever did that would be making a big mistake.

Pillars of smoke rising from the debris made the perfect cover... She breathed in and out, closing her eyes she focused on what ‘Keller’ was feeling. It wasn't nice for her to feel it, either. She pinpointed a location in a matter of seconds and headed towards it. Only for her to start noticing the purple, everywhere. And it was blood. She continued through the mess of debris, every so often a body or two would present itself. They're Skrulls. She realised. The bodies were Skrulls. She knitted her eyebrows together. Carol Danvers, who she had met a few times whilst traversing the galaxy, had told her nearly everything to help her piece together what had happened when they were on Earth. She had given them a home, and finished the war. Clearly someone was trying to start it up again... And if this was the planet that Carol had made their haven. The Skrulls were from Earth. Which meant one thing... From what Keller had confessed to her that could mean only one thing... And it was something she didn't even think possible.

She sprinted to the signal on that notion alone; across the ground that kicked up with every step she took. What had the Kree done here!? Why was he still alive when so many others were not!?! She stopped. Suddenly tense. He was walking toward her. His stance was fighting and she could read those emotions a lot clearer now. Her race and its engineering had failed her. It was confusing Keller’s real DNA with simed DNA from years gone by. Hopefully that wasn't about to cost her her life. Upon recognising him, she took two steps back. She'd made a point of studying Skrulls as soon as Keller had mentioned them. Talos. And he was big news. Huge news. He was a General that ran a whole sector, he was a good leader. He'd simed her life partner. Maliyah held her hands up in an attempt to show she wasn't trouble, as far away from her weapon as possible... "I've come from Xandar. So... I'm not here to destroy you like everything else... Unless you don't care; in which case... You're much more of a threat to me..." He took a step forward, which made her concede another, he was studying her uniform carefully. The eight-point shining yellow star running from her chest down her abdomen, framed by a metallic light blue. The three-point ‘V’ of the Nova Corps shimmering just behind it, glowing faintly every so often. The rest of the uniform navy. Except the gold stripes up her boots. She thought she should have worn her Nova Corps over-jacket; multicoloured rank ribbons and clearer Corp red star emblazoned sleeves. Too late now, though.

He straightened, seeming satisfied but tilted his head. “Who are you?” She tilted hers in turn; “You should know. The fact that you don’t means he did real good to keep me out of his thoughts…” Or any part of his life. Keller’s desk, his car, his pager, his wallet. If nothing held the slightest trace of her then she owed Jonathan her very life. God, she knew that already. He looked confused, as he rightly should. “My name is Maliyah. Quite a few years ago when you were on Earth you simed a Terran known as Jonathan Richard Keller. Unbeknownst to YOU at the time of doing so I had already formed a connection with his DNA. Now, apparently, because siming creates an exact DNA copy of his - I have got some kind of connection with you.” “…You’re Auron.” She was more than a little surprised that he knew that, it made her smile; “Correct.” “Keller… Fury’s boss? How is he and his beautiful blue eyes.” She raised an eyebrow to a phrase she didn’t expect; “…That’s the man. And he’s well… No thanks to you and his constant reoccurring nightmare…” Every so often Jonathan would still wake up in cold sweats with the word simed coming off his lips – Usually it was drink induced, but telling him to stop drinking was pointless. She smiled, but it faded as she looked around her “…So… About this distress that I felt from half way across the Galaxy and came to investigate because Jonathan should be nowhere NEAR this sector… Human’s still haven’t figured out their space travel, God bless ‘em…” “…Well. It’s pretty obvious isn’t it.” “Yeah… Your distress signal tells me one thing I am grateful for. You need help. It looks like a lot of it. And I am here to offer my services... First off, you need to tell me what happened.” “Why should I trust you.” “You have no reason to, and I have no reason to trust you either – In fact I have LESS reason to trust you considering Keller – But Fury trusts you, and so does Carol. So. Yeah, I trust you. Just put a little faith in me…” His eyes flicked back to the Star emblazoned on her uniform and he nodded to it; "If you are really from Xandar then you know what happened." She swept the landscape with her eyes again "Kree... WHY!? It's over, your wars are over..." "There are those in the outside that think they should just end it." "... Is this planet all that’s left!?" "No... Thank god. There are still some of us back home..." She turned again, not wanting to voice it but feeling like she should know everything; "Are you...?? Did they..." "Not everyone. A few, as a statement. An example. My family... They are..." He looked to the stars for a minute "I don't know where they will have taken them but for now they are alive..." She followed the trace of his eyes "I can track that... I'm sure I can track that." She turned back to him; "Obviously first things first. I can't leave you here." "Oh really." She tilted her head at the sarcasm he was displaying. It wasn’t unlike that of her older brother. She couldn’t help but smile, Perhaps she would have more affinity with him than just Keller… "One, you're alone. Two, whatever this connection to Keller you have is... It won't let me leave "Keller" here. So. You simed the right guy. I guess... " Maliyah half turned back to her ship; but kept her eyes on him. He knew the reason she was putting faith in him was the same reason she was still standing over there looking at him like any moment he might change. Or change form. It looked more like a stand off than a potential team-up. Because Jonathan Keller for him was just a Terran male that worked for S.H.I.E.L.D had all the access codes and clearances he needed and eventually got him to his family. For Maliyah, Talos had inadvertently intervened with something sacred. The very fabric of her race’s evolution. Her relationship with Keller now blurred into him. And without this travesty none of them would be any the wiser. "Does he know?" "Jonathan? No. Why would he? I'm the only one that feels anything... He knows all the intricacies of what I am. Whether he understands them...” She afforded explanation with a shrug "He’s human. After all. About the only race out there not involved in the rest of the universe. And integrating even one of them isn't easy... But you should know that." She gave a small, mysterious smile, “So, congratulations. Siming Keller had consequences that you and I are both stuck with.” Talos folded his arms; for all her talk of helping, he hadn’t seen anything that would actually help them out yet. He decided to test that one; “How do we even get out of here… They’ve destroyed all the technology we had. You are some kind of… Supernova. So…” “Supernova is just the name, Jonathan used it all the time it kinda stuck, And I didn’t get here via the Nova Force...” Yet again Talos surprised her with just how much he knew… She wondered if he’d ever been to Xandar… If he’d ever Simed someone from there. Now was not the time to ask the question. “Then how DID you get here?!” She looked back at her Milano, now at least partially visible through the dust clouds as the sun hit the shiny paintwork, then turned to him with a significant look; “…Are we going to save your family, or not?”

#Talos #Keller #Captain Marvel #Captain Marvel spoilers #OC #KellerXOC #Ben Mendelsohn #Oh my god I wrote this TOO quick #But I don't care #I need more Keller in my life #Linzi Writes #Linzi Queues Things #Maliyah #7 #Out Of Nowhere Girl #OONG

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