Between Us Episode 9 Hia Count!

This week was low in Hias but high in emotional damage.

We only had 12 Hias this week from Team.

These are some of the most emotional Hias we have gotten this season and I'll admit I was crying during most of them. Group hug!

☆Bonus Hias☆

Just 2 this week.

As always if I missed any please let me know.

Thank you all for the continued support and love! 💕💕

brennan's choice to bring the authors into neverafter is an interesting move -- on a basic, storytelling level, it adds another dimension to the cosmic horror elements already in place, which is useful primarily because brennan likes cosmic horror and tends to rely on it, so we have a lot of basis for comparison going forward. on another level, and one that i find more fruitful largely because it brings something very new and sharp to the story, is that we now have textual acknowledgement that these tales were recorded or written with authorial intent. we've yet to see if brennan will be invoking basile, perrault, the grimms, etc., but they are present in the text now and can be considered as much a part of the neverafter story as the characters themselves. all that said, i want to start thinking about what that authorial intent was, and how it has developed in our retelling.

much of the horror in neverafter is centered on pinocchio -- he is our most direct link to the stepmother, an entity that consumes other characters (notably, her own children and red's grandmother, and presumably snow white's stepmother) in order to achieve the same power as the authors. so we can demonstrate a link between authorial intent and parental authority, and we can assume that neverafter is interested in the intersections between parent and author as roles occupied in order to control characters or stories and their eventual outcome.

as a character, pinocchio is pinocchio, but acting on an archetypal level he is also the child: his original tale was inspired by and modeled after the "jack" tales, after all. there are two primary roles that the child can inhabit in fairy tales. the good child is rewarded, and the bad child is punished. as a character, pinocchio confuses these roles, and we can see why -- the original intent of his tale was not to reward him, and he was never supposed to become "good" and therefore "real." he was meant to die as a puppet. in nva4, pinocchio dies as a puppet. the dissonance of collodi's tale is recognized in the stepmother's promise to pinocchio, stating that she can make him real when it is impossible for him to be good.

in this, the stepmother takes on the role of both the blue fairy and geppetto in pinocchio's story. but those roles, as written by collodi, were never meant to be gentle -- the parent is not meant to be a source of care, or protection.

brennan is not collodi -- his concerns are less material, less related to the issues of class and poverty and survival present in collodi's tale -- but, consciously or not, he has drawn on the way the original story primes pinocchio to accept violence from parental figures and to understand their anger towards him as a function of a properly told story. in this instance, with the agency of a player behind him, he is able to develop new aims and defy his parental authority -- and we can see that the world of neverafter is unable to function properly when pinocchio cuts his strings and rejects his role as a servant to his father's wellbeing.

so, again, we see the stepmother taking on geppetto's role -- but what about the fairy? what about the fact that our pinocchio was introduced after the end of his tale, and what about the role the fairy has played until now? she was the one that killed him the first time, not the stepmother; she was the orchestrator of his moral adventure and, as neverafter so succinctly put it, the figure in control of whether or not pinocchio is "real."

there has been a clear schism between the fairies and the stepmother in neverafter -- we can see that in the exchange between the stepmother and cinderella's fairy godmother, particularly the claim that "magic was never [the stepmother's], magic is [the fairies']!" but what the fairies seem to resent is the stepmother's authorial role, her ability to take stories and reshape them, rather than the character role she plays within the stories themselves.

additionally, there have been a lot of hints that this was a "good" world, and that there is something to return to, if the stories can be restored to their "real" versions. but by breaking down the original pinocchio tale through the lens of what has occurred in the neverafter, we can see that this corrupted version is not really so different -- the macro effect, the authorial intent through first the stepmother and then brennan himself, has clearly changed, but the effect on pinocchio as character and the child as archetype remains.

i take the introduction of the authors into the tale and the link drawn between them and the stepmother to be our first significant sign that things will not be able to return to the happily ever after -- our first real critique of the conditions of thought created and reinforced within fairy tales, and hopefully, a sign that brennan is questioning not the optimism of the fairy tale but the goals fairy tales set out to achieve.

“why not me?”

Tell me what happened // Tell me what you told the police

“Even if other people don’t forgive you, you need to learn to forgive yourself.” - Team’s mother

But Team can’t forgive himself. He doesn’t know how, and so he goes to Ton’s grave to look for forgiveness from someone who can’t give it to him. (I’m crying.) Not to mention the way he runs away when he hears someone else coming to visit Ton’s grave, like he doesn’t have a right to be there, grieve there. (I’m still crying.)

Then he’s crying behind that bush as he looks at the gold medal that should have belonged to Ton. He feels like he’s stolen everything from Ton from his life to this gold medal. He doesn’t feel like he deserves anything, or has earned anything for himself. It’s all a debt that he’s desperately trying to repay, because he survived and Ton didn’t. It’s all so overwhelming, and he wishes that he had died instead.

But in this dark place, he calls Win. Which is a big deal because Team avoids burdening others with his problems. Sure, he'll beg Pharm for snacks, and ask Win to treat him to a meal. But he doesn’t tell anyone about his insomnia and anxiety. He doesn’t tell anyone that he almost drowned recently. Win discovered these things by accident and because he cared about Team, not because Team told him about them. So just the fact that these two have cultivated a relationship where Team is able to call Win, asking for someone to hold him together while he falls apart, is just so immensely beautiful to me. Because whether Team realizes it or not, he already believes that Win will be there for him no matter what, that Win will catch him.

And here is a person who desperately wants Team to stay alive. Win doesn’t know exactly what happened in Team’s past, and he can’t make Team forgive himself. All he can do is tell him how much he means to him, and that’s just really lovely. Because what Team needs right now isn’t someone who will tell him, “it’s not your fault”. He’s not in the mindset to be able to process and accept that. He needs someone to tell him that his life matters, that if he were to die there’s someone who might be just as devastated as Ton’s mother is. He might not be able to forgive himself yet, but he can start to see that he is valued.

TLDR: I love these two with my whole heart. I love seeing Team reach out for help when he's in the depths of his self-loathing. And I love how Win's love and care have melted away the walls that have been keeping Team isolated in his own pain.

looking very respectfully 🥵

+ bonus

I will always have your back.

as much as i love Win being there for Team and being one safe space for him, HAS NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF SENDING THE BOY TO ACTUAL FUCKING THERAPY??? your grown up son asks if he can sleep in the same bed and you don’t find that just a bit odd??? that poor boy hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in god knows how long, until Win brought him to his own bed, and no one saw he was seriously sleep deprived? come to think of it, is the constant hunger also the symptom? i know i am like an endless pit after not enough sleep. and Team has been LIVING LIKE THAT FOR YEARS. 

I have replayed this scene a thousand times because it captures how love vs responsibility is viewed differently by the "hero" and the "villain".

Dong Fang Qing Cang knows that Chang Heng will always be the responsible overseer of Shuiyuntian first before anything.

By destroying it, Dong Fang Qing Cang is forcing Chang Heng to make the choice: Lan Hua or his responsibility. To no one's surprise, he choses the latter.

I admire a gallant hero; how he unselfishly chooses the greater good over anyone or anything. But to be loved by one will be miserable because I know I'll never be the first choice. He'll sacrifice me so the world won't crumble.

The villain on the other hand, will probably damn the world just so he can see me one last time.

Sam and Daniel in “Sacrifices”

I need to talk about this. Here is a Win appreciation post because i just seem to keep falling in love with his personality more and more. We have Win as our consent king. Now let us imagine Win when Team called him at Chonburi in ep 9.

Imagine our Win, anxious and missing Team because he hadn’t called. View noticing him and adoring that, and Win asking him to be not more nosy. Team calls him; instant smile on his face, and even though VIew teases him, he still doesn’t say much anything. He picks up the call; hears Team crying; instant WORRY of why Team is crying. Team, his favourite person and whom he cares so much about, crying. I don’t know what did Team say to Win but he just said “you be there, i’ll come in 2 hours.”

Guys I checked, Bangkok to Chonburi is about 97 kms/ 60 miles. That’s far.

And our Win, so so determined to reach to his baby. To be there for him. Win, rushing to him as fast as possible via bike, in the raging storm, not caring about the weather, only about Team.

Team. a boy with trauma and comes to Win because he feels safe around him. Team, a person he cares so much for that he fears losing him. Team, the love of his life. (lets not deny this peeps, pls)

So, when he reaches there, out of breath, while its raining cats and dogs, finds Team sobbing over a gravestone, in so bad shape, he is fucking scared. Then, Team hugs Win and says “Why not me, Hia? If I had died, then everything would be better.”

And that fucking scares Win.

So much so, He says, “Its okay. I’m here now.”

Did you guys hear the fear in his voice? It reminds me of ep 6 when Win said “Don’t do this again. My heart is breaking apart.” His Team, who literally meant the world will be a better place without him; literally broke him.

Win doesn’t know anything about Team’s past; Team promised him that he will tell him everything at the right time. And then he finds him crying at his hometown, near a grave, and then saying, it would be better if he didn’t exist. That... fucking shattered him. At that moment, Win only wanted Team to be safe and sound. He wanted him to exist.

And the scene at another place in a hotel (probably). When Team said “I killed my brother, Hia.” At that moment, Win didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to be there with him. He wanted him to be safe and sound. And that for me, is a fucking milestone in Win being vulnerable about his feelings.

Right now, he was not trying to dismiss Team’s past, what he wanted was to reassure Team that his Hia Win is there with him, even if this thing might affect their friendship and relationship.

The parallels of the first scene and the last.

Win ended both of his "if you need me no matter when, where, why, what, or how" dialogue with understood?

I hope Team does understand. Understand that this man will do anything and be anywhere at any time for him - no questions asked.

“are you telling me you like me?”

Admissions & Manipulation

I’m sorry, but this man is already emitting major snake energy. Maybe I’m reading into it too far, but the way he sets his face before turning to look at Kinn here makes it crystal clear to me that it’s all a game to him. From just a few preview lines, we can hear the calculation and careful precision in his tone. He doesn’t emote too much, but his expression always seems to be brimming with something. I assume that in the above scene, we will see Tawan playing a victim, alluding to some (likely fake) emotions for Kinn--how he didn’t want to betray him, etc. Or perhaps he will be transparent about his betrayal, and he’ll use it to hurt Kinn even more. We know from what Kinn said last episode that Tawan manipulated his emotions, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Kinn fell right into the same trap again.

It’s the way Tawan says Kinn’s name in this^ scene, so pointedly, as if to remind him of all that they meant to each other before--a bitter reminder of what it was like when they were together. His expression softens, and his voice softens with it. It’s the same way he would’ve said it when Kinn believed there was real, deep love between them. 

There’s so much heartbreak and bitterness in Kinn’s reaction. From what we know of Kinn, I bet he will try to remain stone-faced, assuming the mafia facade he’s worked so hard at crafting in Tawan’s absence. But Porsche has broken this facade, and as much as I think Kinn will try, there’s no way he’ll be able to hold off his emotions at seeing someone who left him feeling so small. Betrayal is betrayal--it involves a loss of trust. But the kind of trust between lovers is a whole different beast, and breaking it leaves a prominent scar; it’s the reason why Kinn was so cold and reserved for the first few episodes. He couldn’t allow himself to feel that kind of betrayal again.

Psychologically, people who suffer from a traumatic event often practice avoidance as a defense mechanism. We see that a lot in Kinn as he desperately tries to push Porsche away in episodes 4 and 5, specifically. Not just because Korn warns him, but because Kinn himself knows what it’s like to hurt from love. But beyond the immediate physical attraction, Porsche’s free personality entices him, likely because it reminds him of how he could feel without his position and history weighing on him. 

So yeah, I’d like to think that Kinn was similar to Porsche once. I can easily imagine Kinn having said something similar to Tawan that Porsche said to him in Ep8...

“I think he might be jealous that you and I are in love.”

I don’t think Kinn would’ve been as hesitant to throw around the “L” word when he was with Tawan. We know he loves Porsche, but we also know that Tawan has scarred him. There’s a big difference between loving someone and admitting to loving someone. It’s safe while it’s inside. But when you give a voice to it, you’re opening yourself up to hurt. You’re naming your weakness. 

Kinn has been taught by Tawan--and his father--that love is a weakness. He knows he’s endangering himself by loving Porsche, but if he keeps it contained, he can offer himself some protection. That’s why I think Ep8 was so pointedly KinnxPorsche focused--it’s a way of offering them shelter in the confines of their relationship. But once that relationship works itself into the public eye, that is when it becomes infinitely more dangerous. 

That’s why it’s so interesting to me that Kinn is initially eager to expose his relationship with Porsche in Ep8. He wants to show him off, but at the same time, he wants to keep him contained. They know that their best communication happens when they are alone together, without the dangerous, corruptive mafia world bearing down on them. For this reason, I think it makes sense for Kinn to be torn on how to approach his relationship with Porsche. He wants to flaunt, but he also wants to protect the fragility of what he has. There are a lot of emotions to work through, and Kinn and Porsche have once-again re-entered their lovely bubble in Ep8, but--like Ep7--Ep9 is when it all comes crashing down. 

Ep6 = relationship building arc

Ep7 = relationship conflict arc

Ep8 = relationship sustaining arc

Ep9 = relationship testing arc

I suspect that Ep7 and Ep9 will be fairly similar in terms of their effect on KinnPorsche’s dynamic, but with one key difference: Ep9 will be a necessary,  firmer resolution to their issues. Based on what we know of the Pool Scene™, I expect that Kinn will finally vocalize his feelings for Porsche, exposing that weakness. Vocalizing this relationship publicly will doubtlessly be a big step for them (despite the fact that they’re so obvious about it and the rest of the bodyguards are just flat-out ignorant), but in my opinion, vocalizing it personally (as in, between K & P exclusively) will be the biggest step for both Kinn and Porsche. It will be proof that Kinn has finally opened up his heart the way not only Porsche deserves, but the way he deserves.

I think it’s also worth noting how even though Porsche has used the word "love” so far, it hasn’t been straightforward. The first time was during an argument, and it was more of a passing reference to his feelings than an outright admission. The second time was casual, but it wasn’t exactly drawing attention to the feeling. Everyone is (understandably) waiting for Kinn to complete part of his arc/growth by telling Porsche that he loves him, but it will also be nice to hear Porsche directly address his love for Kinn. While Kinn and Porsche don’t need to vocalize their love to prove that they are in love, doing so reflects an openness and trust that will propel them forward in their relationship. 

So...does Kinn still love Tawan? He’s hesitant when Porsche shows him the picture at the end of Ep8. But I don’t think his inability to let go is because of Tawan exactly, but because of how he felt back then. It’s ultimately much more about the memory of being in love than it is about the object of that love. That’s what we see in Kinn’s expression from the Ep9 preview: old feelings brought to the surface (and oh how quickly they were stamped on by someone he trusted). In his relationship with Porsche, Kinn longs to trust, but he can’t actually do it. Not yet. Not until he resolves and overcomes his memories of Tawan.

Back to Tawan’s manipulation: he’s a snake not only to Kinn, but to Porsche as well. The final moments of the preview prove this. “Porsche, what are you scared of? Do you think I would fool Kinn, or are you scared of something else?” We’re missing the full context of this conversation, but he offers a little creepy smile as he says this last line: 

It’s clear that Tawan, like Vegas, plans on turning Kinn and Porsche against each other. Like many others, I also hate the returned-ex-drama plot so common to BLs, but I think the added mafia aspect will make Tawan’s role a bit more complex. All I know is that from the little bit we’ve seen of Tawan, it’s clear he likes to play games. Honestly, that gives me more hope than anything, because I love angst because Kinn knows this and (hopefully) won’t fall into his trap so easily. Despite how completely and utterly annoying these kinds of tropes can be, we know KP’s relationship will be made stronger as a result.

Whew. I didn’t intend for this post to be as speculative as it is, but make of it what you will. Please do let me know your thoughts! My inbox is always open. :) And for more KP meta from me, visit this post.

Between Us - Color Symbolism (ep 9)

I love how Team is surrounded by his comfort colors: red = his own color; his backpack, parts of his mother's outfit green = Dean's color; his father's shirt and the plants outside yellow = Pharm's color; parts of Team's shirt and also of his mother's blue = Win's color - Team's pants (and once again also his mother's shirt)

...and then we've got Win who also happens to be wearing his own color but with hints of red (much like Dean does when he is wearing red with hints of blue)... these two truly think about each other, even when they are not together in one place... I think what is really interesting here is that all three brothers wear hints of blue, with Win in the middle, creating a connection between all three of them - they are quite literally facing their parents as a united front with the table a a barrier between them instead of creating a nice meal time atmosphere like the one Team has when he is with his own family. I also love the contrast between these two families. Win's family mostly wears similar colors (the parents wear grey-ish shirts and all three brothers wear something with hints of gray and blue), showing they are all connected but it's Team's family who feel a lot closer regardless of them mostly wearing colors that do make up a matching concept. they are different and seem to actually talk about a lot of things (yes, I know Team did not answer when asked about a girlfriend but for now he is actually still somewhat single and I think he is far from ready for a coming out conversation). though while Team might keep some things to himself he still talks with his parents and seems to have a quite affectionate relationship with them and all that is what makes them work together. they seem to accept each other and thus their differences as part of their family. Win's family does try to work together as well, albeit in a way that does not really leave anyone the actual freedom to be happy and/or communicate about what they really want.

The 'Just Be Yourself' shirt while Team is on the phone with Win so that they can wish each other a happy new year... one letter is red while the others are blue... so the red letter is right in the center of the others, surrounded by it (much in the same way Team is surrounded by blue when he is with Win), indicating Team feels protected there, at home and still connected to Win.