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mercuryislove · 3 years

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Don’t hate me but… I kinda want you to answer all of the deep dive WIP asks 🥺 if that’s unreasonable tho, just 2, 9, and 10 please!

I am SORRY for the delay!!! i answered every question for BOTH projects so you're in for like.... several thousand words of shit that makes absolutely no sense, but i hope you you enjoy it! :)

1. Who are two characters that don't like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

White Crane: okay this is hard because like. so many people do not like each other. (I know I made a post once about how terrible it would be to be one of twenty-eight people that have the power of dead gods but are trapped in stupid human bodies and you're all a thousand years old and hate each other so so so so so much because you all SUCK.) But for the sake of simplicity, I will talk about Ciaran and Sihla who never got along but only played nice to keep Anwei happy. They absolutely do NOT put aside their differences lmao once everything kind of, um, blows up between the three of them, all they want to do is KILL each other. She makes it her life's goal to make him suffer, and he basically loses his sanity in the process of trying to find a way to kill her for good. The beef is unbelievable. ANYWAY, what they reveal about each other is that Ciaran is not nearly as innocent in anything as he likes to pretend and Sihla is not as guilty as everyone says she is. I mean, she is still a terrible person in many ways, but that does not excuse the things he did to her all those years ago. She hates him for many, many good reasons.

Old Blood: Andhira HATES the entire Ekion family, but specifically the oldest son (who does not have an official name yet.... oops). He doesn't much care for her either but is usually too busy trying to better his social standing to worry too much about her. Except when they're in the same room together (which happens semi-regularly because her brother is kind of in love with him lmao). They hate each other for the exact same reason and it's that they're both SO arrogant. They look down on everyone around them (which in Andhira's case is like. fair. She's the firstborn of the two most powerful people on the planet, and the only person that comes close to that level of power is her twin brother who was born a mere fourteen minutes after her) but think the other is completely unjustified in their actions. Really all it reveals to a reader is that they both kind of suck and need to get over themselves because all that behavior does is make people resent you. They only put aside their differences because she does kind of need his help once or twice, but they would gladly spit in each other's face and/or push each other down a flight of stairs in the name of pettiness.

2. What do you hope your readers will take away from your wip? Is there an intentional theme to the story?

These can be answered together! I started writing these stories because I wanted to have fun but they've both kind of morphed into a long-winded way of saying that like. it's okay to be messed up and hate yourself and have major internal struggles because there are people who still love you. I KNOW it doesn't sound like that from uhhhhhh literally everything I've ever said about this stuff but bear with me. The BIG theme is that love is EVERYTHING. All kinds of love. It's the reason to keep on going. You are never alone, even strangers can love you in their own way, etc etc etc etc. Also gay love fucking prevails always and forever.

3. What do you love most about your protagonist?

Yixing is funny and weird and definitely a horse girl and he kind of sucks sometimes because he's stubborn as hell and has terrible people skills and maybe also a drinking problem, but he is kind and empathetic and despite the absolute hell he's lived through, he still sees the good in people and knows that it's easy to make mistakes and that most people deserve second chances in life. Also I like him because he is without a doubt the ideal man and I made him that way on purpose. And god I wish we could drink together. I'm talking stumbling drunk, crying on the bathroom floor, please-hold-my-hair-i'm-about-to-throw-up kind of drinking. We would have a great time being stupid together I think.

Vera is resilient and mean and stubborn and cold and off-putting and hard to get to know, and she sucks for those reasons but it's also why I love her so much. She has also lived through hell and it didn't make her try to see the good in people like Yixing does. It just made her bitter and resentful. She warms up over time, but she fights tooth and nail against it. I also love her so much because she is the archetype of like. the washed up former prodigy that has to return sort of against her will to her old life, and she realizes that she misses it in some ways but also remembers exactly why she left. I would Not want to drink with her (because she doesn't drink anymore), but I would love to take one of her art classes.

4. Is there anything in the story that is implied but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

White Crane: This is hard because I'm so invested in my own shit that it feels obvious to me, but I try to lay out a little candy trail that tells the reader that Ciaran and Anwei are Not What They Seem right from the start. It’s hard to explain without specific examples but it’s in the way they talk, they way they interact with other people, the way certain things they say don’t line up, etc etc etc. And there is a Big Hint of what will happen to Ciaran in the second and third installment, but idk if that counts. Also there are definitely implications that Yixing is trans but that's neither here nor there (honestly I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not he should be explicitly trans or if it should be left to reader interpretation because well... I don’t know if I'm capable of writing the nuance of transness because I'm not trans despite my complex and confusing relationship with gender but I'm also not a thirty-something year old Asian man NOR am I a god NOR am I a former vampire hunter NOR am I like. any of the things I write about other than a mean lesbian so. who knows?)

Old Blood: TRUE FANS already know this one, but regular degular readers that haven't participated in funny question friday or read my random late night posting would not immediately know that Josef and the Sovereign were once involved. Basically the only characters in the story that know are Josef, Luka, the Sovereign himself, and Tahire. But there are definitely some hints peppered throughout conversations and perhaps some photos and trinkets that Josef has kept after all this time... It has like no weight on the events of the story but I just think it's fun. Once again I am way too invested to know if it's easy to pick up on or not but I think it takes some theorizing about maybe? Other than that there aren’t any significant secrets.

5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does the backstory affect the narrative?

White Crane: this is unfair because some of the characters are almost a thousand years old and some of them are like. 35. I DO have a full timeline written out of the thousand years of history that Ciaran and Anwei have lived through, if that counts as an answer. Like it doesn't have every single day and year, but it has all the big events for sure. Barring that, Yixing definitely has a pretty complex backstory. The man gets around lol and I try (and maybe fail?) to make him seem not too complex initially but then things get revealed and you learn more about him and are like “oh my god no wonder this man has Problems.” Also if he was like. “normal” and perhaps “well-adjusted” the story would not exist at all because he is the way he is and makes some of the stupid decisions he does because of his weird little life.

Old Blood: ONCE AGAIN, this is unfair because the Sovereign is like older than god. And Vera is 37. But like. I haven't fleshed him or any of the old ass vampires out nearly as much as Vera so there's your answer I guess? And I guess the important things are known from the start (that she was a prodigy, that she retired because terrible shit happened and she couldn't handle it, that she suffers from significant ptsd because of it, etc), but there is a lot of detail that doesn't come out until much later when she has to confront her Feelings (ewww feelings). Uh... the backstory affects the narrative because it wouldn't exist at all if Vera wasn't plagued by her fucked up blood nightmares lol

6. Which two characters have the most complicated relationship? How does their relationship develop over time?

White Crane: Ciaran and Anwei totally. They love each other because they're brother and sister and were all the other had for a VERY long time (and even when they were still uh mortal, they relied on each other constantly), but also they hate each other because they're brother and sister. You know how it is with siblings. I love my brother and sister to pieces but I can't imagine being immortal and having to put up with the both of them for all eternity (sorry guys if you are reading this somehow.... I love you but we are all so annoying god bless). They handled their newfound godhood very, very, very differently and it kind of colors their relationship for the rest of time. There were times where they were extremely codependent and other times where they didn't speak to each other for DECADES. At the start of our story, they're on much better terms and have buried all their hatchets, but it doesn't take much for that to change....

Old Blood: Probably Vera and Andhira? They're only brought together because of their shared fucked up blood nightmares, and neither of them like that thought. They both resent the other for everything they are, and Vera is pretty much completely hostile to Andhira about it for a long time (and Andhira is only just barely cordial lol), but obviously a significant part of the plot revolves around them like. falling in love so they DO get over it after a while :)

7. What is the most heart-wrenching scene in your wip? Why?

White Crane: When Yixing fucking DIES. I feel like this one should be self-explanatory. But I mean if you would like further explanation, it's unpleasant and slow and agonizing and nobody can do anything to stop it (haha....... unless?) so Ciaran gets to hold him for a long time and feel really bad about it lol

Old Blood: idk if there are any really heart-wrenching scenes but there are definitely some miserable and uncomfortable scenes like where Vera relives in vivid detail the days that she witnessed the gruesome deaths of her young apprentice and her last lover. They're upsetting because those are the two days that basically ruined her life (and one was the final straw that sent her spiraling completely out of control) and it's painful to watch her have to live with the guilt of what happened even if it wasn't her fault.

8. What is a song that you associate with your wip? Explain.

White Crane: not to be basic but absolutely without a doubt in my stupid mind “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears lol it's because uh. well. Everybody wants to rule the world right? Basically way back in 2019 when I was crafting the ideas for the dnd campaign that became this thing instead, I was definitely having a metal gear moment (honestly I’m about to have a metal gear moment NOW lol) and was listening to a lot of like. mgs adjacent music and latched onto this song (and also promises, promises by naked eyes lmao) as some like thematic element. Like my brain making amvs. You know how it is. ANYWAY the point is. The concept was originally way different and was supposed to be more about the immediate aftermath of the so-called end of the world (yes Yixing was still there and yes he was still just some guy), and it focused a lot more on power struggles between all of these insane people that were granted godhood in the wake of the dying world. Which........ is something I'd like to write about at some point because it's intriguing in its own way but at the time I was unequipped to write about that when I really just wanted to write about people who are, for all intents and purposes, quite average getting caught up in the batshit drama of higher powers. (fun fact: Ciaran was supposed to be a tyrant king that ran a death cult and Anwei and Yixing were working together to figure out a way to kill him. Which is. Kind of what my dnd campaign is like now lol BASICALLY he's like if Big Boss was unkillable and could also rip souls out of people's bodies and eat them. I absolutely do not remember what this question originally was. Something about a song?)

Old Blood: THIS is the reason it took me so long to answer this whole thing. I thought long and hard and looked through all my playlists and listened to random songs that came to mind but it turns out the song I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time. DUH. It's “Golden Light” by Twin Shadow :) In my humble homo interpretation, I think it's a song about being afraid to fall in love and. Well. That's the whole point. Also #spoilers but the first time Vera sees Andhira and is like “oops I think I have feelings” is when they've just arrived at Andhira's home and the sun is rising and she looks over at her as they stand at the top of a hill and she has her eyes closed to the sun and she's bathed in golden light and OOUGGGGHGHHH poetic cinema. (honorable mention goes to “Groove is in the Heart” by Deee-lite because it’s quintessential early 90s music that Vera would be super into)

9. What does your protagonist want most? What would they do to achieve this? What is something they wouldn't do to achieve this?

White Crane: Yixing wants to be happy for once. Like actually really happy instead of just. getting by. There's a scene where they're making wishes for the next seasons during the summer solstice and someone asks what he wants and he's like “uh I guess I want to still be alive at the end of the year?” and the other person is like “isn't that what everyone wants? Raise the fucking bar please. What do you REALLY want?” and he's stands there for a really long time and thinks about it before finally saying “I think I just want to be happy for once” and everyone else is like. wow. Way to kill the fucking mood dude. Anyway. He has had fleeting moments of happiness in his life but wants nothing more than to feel that way forever. It's kind of hard to say what he wouldn't do for that because like. there's not really much you CAN do in the first place, so I feel like there's even less you couldn't do. I guess he wouldn't like sell his soul to the devil or something lmao (though by being involved with Ciaran he's pretty much halfway there)

Old Blood: to be left alone. Vera just wants a normal life. She really truly does want to pretend that none of the horrible shit happened to her and that she was never a world-famous hunter. And she wants to teach art classes and live a quiet life!!! I mean, she is already mostly doing that exact thing when we first meet her, but obviously she has some hindrances (aka fucked up blood nightmares). She is begrudgingly helping Andhira because she assumes that will fix her problem and that she'll be able to get to that quiet living as soon as all is said and done. The only thing she really wouldn't do to get what she wants is like... live somewhere far away from Josef and Luka lol She likes having them close by more than she wants to be left alone.

10. Within your story's world, were there any events that impacted every character (or most characters)? How would they be different if this event never happened? (Alternatively, erase an important even from on character's backstory and imagine where they'd be now.)

White Crane: well. If the stupid old gods didn't all kill themselves and almost end the world then I guess none of this story would exist lol But the actual answer is like. If Yixing had never run out on his girlfriend of ten years then he wouldn't have moved across the continent to Jengmi and wouldn't have made a name for himself way out there and wouldn't have been scouted and recruited and wouldn't have met Ciaran or Anwei and wouldn't have gotten in the middle of the batshit grudge between a bunch of ancient petty gay people and wouldn't have DIED and wouldn't have made one of the ancient petty gay people in particular lose his grip on his humanity via a lust for power in a desperate attempt to guarantee his safety and wouldn't have been the reason that tens of thousands of people die in his name and wouldn't have accidentally set off a chain of events that resulted in him having to hunt down and kill the Actual God that started it all in a fit of jealous rage. So like. maybe he should have just gone through with the wedding. All things considered, his life would have been way less stressful.

Old Blood: uhhh, that's tough because the stuff that happens only really has any effect on the mortal characters (I mean yeah people still try to kill the Sovereign but they're too dumb to know the ACTUAL way to kill him.... haha unless??), so it would be more like a what if Vera didn't witness the violent deaths of both her apprentice and her lover and have a full blown nervous breakdown and abandon her career? Well...... I think most things in the plot would transpire more or less the same, except she would be WAY less pissed off about it. In fact, she would probably be hyped as hell to get the chance to make the acquaintance of the Sovereign's family like Josef had before her. The thought of Vera being upbeat and not a sleep-deprived asshole that hates being dragged back to her old life..... ew. Not that I enjoy her suffering but you know what I mean. It just wouldn't be the same.

11. What is something from your wip that you just really want to ramble about?

Are you sure you're ready for this. This is going to be so so so so long I'm sorry in advance. It's Saturday night and I'm alone and kind of sad so I'm just going to let loose.

As I hone down plot elements for next two installments in my little trilogy, I have kind of become obsessed with the passage of time and how different it must feel to someone that, well, lives forever. One of the ways I'd written (that has since been kind of changed) for Yixing to start to figure out what Ciaran really is was that he would casually be looking through his bookshelf and find an old photograph of Ciaran, Anwei, and their mom standing backstage together after one of his performances. And when he eventually asks Ciaran about it, he gets upset because how dare you touch the one thing I have left to remember my mother? To remember what my life used to be like? There are so many names and faces and places and foods and sensations that I've forgotten in the 940 years I've lived like this and I would give anything I have to see any of it just one more time because I didn't know that the last time I would ever speak to my mom we would have an argument on the phone about how I need to go to the temple and pray for good fortune on my birthday, or that the last time I would ever see my best friend would be at 6am when we both came into the studio to practice and he asked me to go out to breakfast and I said no because I thought a nap would be more important. And there are so many people that I've watched die whose names I never learned and whose faces I forgot the moment I turned away, and there are so many others that I loved so dearly that I had to leave behind because they grew old and I didn't. And I have lived lifetimes in solitude to keep myself a secret from other people and I have died more than any person should ever have to die and I have witnessed atrocities no one should ever witness and I hate everything about this life so much but I love everything about this life so much and I wouldn’t trade it for anything but I think I would give it all away in an instant if only to remember the scent of my mother's favorite perfume and I think I would give it all away in an instant if it meant I didn't have to watch you turn to dust in my arms.

ANYWAY. I think a lot about the agony of loving things that aren't permanent and how it really DOES drive you mad because lately I have been unbelievably nostalgic for certain things that weren't even that long ago but..... I didn't appreciate them at the time and I feel so guilty about it. (And like. I too would give up my entire life to be able to remember the scent of my grandmother's favorite perfume.) And all my pent-up sadness is for things that only happened in my childhood. I have pictures and videos and other people to share those memories with, but what does it feel like to be one of very few people that watched the entire world fall apart and rebuild itself and have nothing to hold onto from that time? What does it feel like to foster dozens of generations of children and outlive every single one of them? What does it feel like to have only fragments of memories of entire lifetimes? How lonely is it? I mean, Ciaran and Anwei have each other and that makes a difference but it still has to be the most isolating feeling. And then there's the pain that comes with memories that have faded or otherwise become hazy. I doubt either of them remember their father's face. They hadn't seen him in years even before it all happened. If it wasn't for that single photo he has, they wouldn't remember their mother's face either. Do they still remember her name? Or her birthday? Do they remember anyone else? Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers? If they do, do they even want to talk about it? One thing I worry about in my own life (and this is how I know I have Problems) is that I'm so afraid that talking about memories will alter them somehow. There are so many things that I don't even like to share because once the words are spoken the little vhs tape that has all my memories has been recorded over, even if it's just by a single frame. Something about it has been changed forever each time I talk about it. Do they feel the same way and keep things to themselves instead of sharing the sadness? I think maybe they used to talk about the “old days” or whatever much more often back in the past, but as the years went by.... they just learned to keep it to themselves.

I think maybe I have a lot of anxiety about the passage of time and of being forgotten!

Anyway again. The passage of time drives me insane. And I think it would make me even more insane if I had been chosen to carry the mantle of a dead god and would live forever. My dog died a year ago and I still cry like every single day thinking about her. If I was doomed to live forever I don't know how the sadness wouldn't swallow me whole! No wonder all the people in this book are fucking CRAZY!!

And don't even get me started on the Sovereign lol he's like “oh boo-hoo you've lived for not even a thousand years? Bitch they hadn't invented fucking GLASS yet when I was born. The horse wasn't domesticated yet. Cry harder!!”

#oc talk #4000 words later!!!!!#uh i hope this makes ANY sense at all lol #i wrote the responses to all of these at like 1am last night and the night before so. you'll have to forgive me if they're stupid

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im-just-here-for-the-drama · 4 years

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LGBTQ Characters in Asian dramas: The Good, The Bad, and The Mediocre: 2019 Edition

No one asked, but here it is-all the gay I saw in 2019!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Bad (I’d say don’t waste your time on these, but who am I to tell you what to do?)

Graceful Family: Mo Wan Joon

The Story: Blah blah blah, revenge or something- at a point it’s revealed that Mo Wan Joon is a trans woman.

Should you watch?: If you really like revenge melos maybe, but if you’re looking for this show to do something good and offer up some good trans rep? Nope.

Literally nothing about Mo Wan Joon’s story is watchable. I wasn’t even entirely sure the show even knows what being transgender even means. It comes off as more of a plot twist to put the family all in a tizzy more than anything else. They don’t really show much of Wan Joon’s struggle or anything poignant or engaging.

TharnType

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault/rape

Country: Thailand

Official Links: https://www.facebook.com/notes/line-tv/tharntypetheseries-line-tvs-official-links-for-international-fans/2525229217761969/

The Story: Type is a homophobe who ends being roommates with the openly gay Tharn.

Should you watch?: No. The good you get isn’t worth sitting through the bad. But if you really can’t help yourself, you’ll have to learn to ignore its problematic elements.

Type was molested as a child, and as a result he hates gay people. He’s clearly still traumatized by his experience. He has nightmares and is triggered by Tharn at least once remembering his assault. Type eventually tells Tharn about his assault and it’s pretty much never brought up again.

Type is shown to be ridiculously homophobic and he equates gay people with pedophiles and is never really corrected in this logic (even though his boyfriend is a whole gay man). Even after Type starts dating Tharn, Type’s homophobia is never really properly put to rest.

For some reason, the writer of TharnType loves incorporating rape/sexual assault into her shows when it’s clearly a sensitive topic she knows next to nothing about. And it’s clear in this show, because the show take the topic way lighter than it should. Because of what happened to Type in his childhood, he believes that gay men like forcing themselves onto others without their consent, and then the show proceeds to have Tharn do exactly that to Type multiple times. Also, thankfully, this happens offscreen, but another character pays several men to gang rape another character and that’s too heavy for a show that clearly wasn’t going to address it properly.

At the beginning of this show, Tharn had a huge issue with knowing what boundaries and consent were, but by the second half, Tharn chilled out and Type stepped up and became ridiculously childish and violent towards Tharn. Clearly these two have no real business being in a relationship with each other if you ask me.

Though there was a lot I hated about this show I did like some of it. I think this writer writes some really nice and sweet scenes between Tharn and Type. Mew and Gulf have great chemistry. I’ve seen plenty of videos of Gulf and Mew together and they are adorable. They work well together and they come off more natural than some other couples, but the way the relationship is handled in TharnType and some of the things that are glossed over in this show leave a bad taste in my mouth.

The Mediocre (These aren’t the best, but they’re watchable.)

Moment at Eighteen: Jung Oh Je

Country: Korea

Official Links: https://www.viki.com/tv/36633c-moment-of-eighteen?q=moment%20of

The Story: Transfer student Jun Woo has no interest in school life, as he is traumatized from being expelled from bullying. Meanwhile, Soo Bin has been watching Jun Woo all this time. She sees a different side to Jun Woo than the one that other people see. Oh Je, is Jun Woo’s best friend who starts to discover his sexuality.

Should you watch?: Hmmm… sure.

Oh Je has a decent side plot. It was interesting to see him figuring out he liked Hwi Young and coming out to his ex girlfried, Da Young and his friends. I do wish his story was expanded a little more though. There were several things I would have liked to have seen, like coming out to his family, and I thought they wrapped his story up a little too quickly at the end.

2moons2

Country: Thailand

Official Links: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdoEouCtbBvjdNkB5Wl0eYS4V4Zx-1MZY

The Story: Wayo is accepted at the Kantaphat University, in the Faculty of Sciences. Wayo has always been in love with Phana, who studies at the same university. When Wayo has the chance to become the “moon” of his faculty, the two begin to spend time together because Phana himself has been the “moon” of the medical school the previous year and must supervise the freshmen participating in the competition. The two slowly get closer and closer.

Should you watch?: Yeah.

Honestly, it’s not super memorable,and not super impressive, but there’s some cute moments, and an easy storyline. We get to see more of the other two couples (MingKit and ForthBeam) than we saw in the original 2moons. It’s fun and interesting enough. I’ll look forward to the next one.

Theory of Love

Country: Thailand

Official Links: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVsizYwoQ6B3LsKmcDDMNtHGXnjG88i4C

The Story: Third is a filmology major and a member of the Savage Team along with his best friends Two, Bone, and Khai, but he has a secret. Third has been secretly in love with Khai for years.

For three years he has kept his secret love in his heart, silently supporting and loving Khai while knowing there is absolutely no future between them since Khai is as straight as a streetlight pole and also an absolute player.

To make matters worse, Khai has a “no dating friends” policy. How long can Third love Khai silently while watching Khai bring a different girl home every night? Third has tried to see Khai as just a friend. But has failed time and time again. Because as easy as it is to fall in love, to stop is just as hard. Maybe even harder. But when Third finally decides to stop loving Khai, Khai decides to start loving Third.

Should you watch?: It wasn’t my cup of tea but, yeah.

Who knew one of my most anticipated shows of the year would turn out to be one of the most disappointing? The show spent way too much time on Third crying, wallowing, and letting his friend walk all over him, and not nearly enough time on Khai making a believable turnaround. Khai spent at least half the show being a dick of a friend, to the point that I was unsure as to why Third liked him for so long. Then when Khai started to have feelings for Third, I just thought it happened way too quickly and unbelievably to me. But despite all that there were some cute moments in the end that made all of that kind of okay and kind of worth it. And the side couple was cute.

Dark Blue Kiss

Country: Thailand

Official Links: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdoEouCtbBviEVFNHbg7dKw7Lfd8-6zB1

The Story: Kao and Pete being in a blissful romance, have grown closer. But Kao is closeted, and he fears the thought of others finding out. His mother introduces Non, a son of a colleague, to be tutored by Kao. With Non constantly giving off ‘iffy’ vibes towards Kao, it only fuels Pete’s jealousy. Their relationship is put in strain, but through this, they must ultimately overcome each other’s flaws.

Whilst Sun pushes his brother Rain to stay away from Mork, the younger man’s uncontrollable behavior brings him in. As his wildness is intriguing, Sun’s seriousness holds Mork down somewhat. Underneath it all, the two start to care for each other. However, with Mork’s dangerous life, he can’t shake who he is. But maybe he can for someone like Sun.

Should you watch?: If you’re a fan of Pete/Kao or a fan of the typical GMM show.

I wasn’t a huge fan of Pete and Kao from the series they were originally in and this show honestly didn’t really help. Pete and Kao’s relationship is pulled into an annoying direction when an outsider tries to come between the two of them. It’s classic bl tactics and frankly it’s boring and frustrating to watch when it drags on for multiple episodes. I did love Sun and Mork from the beginning, but even the writing for their storyline got annoying towards the end. The huge problem in this series is that none of our leads really communicate with each other. There’s some enjoyable things in this show but it’s ultimately more frustrating than it should be.

Ossan’s Love: In The Sky

Country: Japan

The Story: Haruta, a 35-year-old single man, has to switch careers and he begins a new career as a cabin attendant in Tenku Peach Airlines. Even though he’s clumsy, he seems to be protected by the Great Captain Kurosawa. One day, he finds drawings of himself in a locker and accidentally discovers tries to figure out who drew them. Haruta discovers that not only is the mechanic Shino in love with him, but Captain is secretly in love with him too. Meanwhile, Haruta takes an interest in the co-pilot Naruse.

Should you watch? Yes, but you might be disappointed by the end.

I’m a fan of the original Ossan’s Love and I know what this show usually gives so I expected this show to be silly, ridiculous, fun. And it was for the most part. I always love Haruta. I would literally watch him in any reincarnation of this show and not complain. He’s always a joy to watch and that’s still true here. But this time around, things are a lot more messier than usual. There’s a complicated love triangle, which I hate, but even that was fine because I enjoyed the other characters. My only complaint was how it ended, because I would have preferred him with someone else rather than who he ends up with.

Love with Flaws: Won Suk and Ho Dol

Country: Korea

The Story: Joo Seo Yeon, is a hot-tempered physical education high school teacher who always wears sneakers, jeans and training uniforms. The death of her parents helped instill a deep sense of compassion, a generous heart and an outspoken objection for anyone who drinks and drives. Living in a house with three wild and very attractive brothers, she loathes flower boys. Her ideal type is someone who is “not handsome.” Won Suk is one of her handsome older brothers.

Won Suk has closed his heart to relationships and love, but he lives his life as an openly gay man. Ho Dol is closeted and lacks confidence. They meet one night at Won Suk’s bar.

Should you watch?: People have been kind enough to condense Won Suk’s and Ho Dol’s story into parts on YouTube so yeah, go ahead and check it out.

These two don’t get a whole lot of screen time, but the little they do get is nice. We get to see Won Seok help Ho Dol open up and be more confident with who he is and in turn, Won Seok opens up his heart.

The Good (These are worth the hours of your life you won’t get back.)

History3: Trapped

Country: Taiwan

Official Links: https://www.viki.com/tv/36410c-history-3-trapped?locale=en

The Story: Shao Fei’s police officer mentor and Tang Yi’s gang leader father were killed in a gunshot attack. No one knows why or what really happened. The only survivor, Tang Yi, stepped up and is now the gang leader. Police officer Shao Fei wants to find out what happened that day and he’s sure that Tang Yi’s hiding the truth. Shao Fei decides that the only way to figure out the truth is to investigate Tang Yi to the fullest and Tang Yi just wants Shao Fei to leave him alone since he’s trying to take the gang in a more legitimate direction, but what happens when the two keep crossing paths and ultimately start to fall for each other?

Should you watch?: Absolutely.

I watched this show twice last year and somehow I liked it even better the second time around. The story is fresh-school/university plots get real old real fast (not that I don’t love them though). Instead we get a story about a mob boss and a police officer. The plot is well written, coherent, interesting, and fun, and doesn’t revolve solely around the romance. And speaking of romance, it’s well integrated into the larger plot that focuses on figuring out what happened to Tang Yi’s father and Shao Fei’s mentor years ago. There’s just the right balance between plot and romance. There’s also a second couple that’s super cute. Both couples have great chemistry. What’s not to like?

He’s Coming To Me

Country: Thailand

The Story: After his death, Mes is a ghost that is consumed by loneliness. That is until he meets a strange boy that can see him. The two bond in a state of happiness and joy as they develop into friends. But what happens when Mes falls for the boy who is alive?

Should you watch?: Of course!

This is by far, in my opinion one of the most slept on shows of 2019. Who would have thought things could work out between a ghost and human? I went into this show expecting it to be full of sadness and angst and it really surprised me. Of course it does have those things, Mes is ghost so… but it’s definitely one of the sweetest dramas of the year. The boys forge a strong friendship and bond from the beginning, they’re ridiculously cute, the side characters are enjoyable, the friends are supportive, and there’s an interesting story of Mes and Thun trying to figure out the mystery behind Mes’ death. You should definitely put it on your list to check out.

What Did You Eat Yesterday?

Country: Japan

The Story: Kakei Shiro is a 45 year old lawyer who works at a small law firm. He is a good cook and a meticulous and thrifty person who keeps the monthly food budget to 25,000 yen. Shiro’s daily routine is to leave work on time and head to a discount supermarket nearby. His partner Yabuki Kenji is an affable hairdresser in his 40s. The two of them share a two-bedroom apartment and the finer points of two men living together comes up at the dining table every day. Although two of them have been in a relationship for three years and Kakei’s parents know he is gay, Kakei never shares the fact that he is gay or Kenji is his partner to anyone else.

Should you watch? Definitely.

Very slice of life, very sweet, very heartwarming. We get to see two older gay men navigate their lives and society. We see how Shiro struggles with coming out and being open and we see how he deals with his accepting but ignorant parents. We see Kenji struggle with Shiro’s closed-offness and the strain its puts on their relationship when Shiro refuses to let people know they’re together. Shiro and Kenji interact with other gay couples too, and it’s interesting to see the dynamics between the different couples. It’s a nice change of pace to the shows I’m used to. Also, there’s plenty of food to salivate over.

Hello? Spring Is Coming

Country: Korea

Official Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnyivXs1rWk

The Story: Every coming out is difficult, but most of all, coming out in front of family is the hardest.

Should you watch?: We get way too few shows about wlw. And also they’re way too short, and on that note yes you should watch. It’s sweet.

The Effect

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, bullying, attempted suicide

Country: Thailand

Official Links (in the comments): https://mydramalist.com/32424-the-effect

The Story: Shin, a shy and reserved 1st-year university student, admires his senior Keng from afar. Keng is tall, handsome, smart and owns the heart of many girls on campus. But what others don’t see is the pressure to be perfect from his family that weighs on Keng’s shoulders. Due to Shin’s clumsiness, he becomes acquainted with the handsome senior. As Keng takes a liking to his junior, jealousy from peers makes the cyber world a breeding ground for hate and nasty rumors. Shin falls victim not only to the strangers online but to Keng as well. Nobody but Shin can overcome the trauma that will be placed upon him. All he needs is for the strangers to listen. Because only then can they understand “the effect” that they have on others.

Should you watch? Heed the trigger warnings, and if you can handle them, then yes.

You know those BL shows where one of the characters is forced or coerced into having sex with their love interest and then falls in love with him at the end? This show is thankfully, not that. I wouldn’t even consider this a BL because, well because it’s not. It’s not a love story. It takes a very very different and serious path that most shows in this genre don’t even come close to. This show did a good job of really showing the effects of social media, bullying, and rape, what they could really do to a person, and the support system one needs after a trauma. At a (way too) short 3 episodes, it was super emotional, mostly realistic, and it really left a memorable impression. There were a few things I wish had been explored and fleshed out more and I wished they’d changed the ending from the novel. I would have preferred something more uplifting, less open ended potential tragedy. But on another note, James as Shin was a stand out here with such an emotionally draining role. I’ll definitely be looking forward to his future projects.

Mood Indigo/Indigo No Kibun

Country: Japan

The Story: The story begins with Shiro Kido’s reunion with a former classmate, Rio Kijima, at a college teacher’s funeral. In the past, when they were students, Kijima used to show talent as a novelist, even earning a big prize. Kido was jealous of Kijima’s success, but after reading his works he became aware of his lack of talent and gave up writing novels and became an editor of erotic novels. However, after reuniting, it became clear to Kido that Kijima was stuck; facing a wall. He had used up all his talent. With Kido also being in a lost state he offers Kijima the opportunity to write pornographic novels.With the intense eroticism and closeness, both men open up and feed into their desire.

Should you watch?: Yeah.

As one of the more erotic shows on this list, It was interesting to see the development between Rio and Kido. Their dynamic certainly isn’t anything romantic,cute, or healthy but still very beautiful, passionate, and raw. I wasn’t a huge fan of this shows predecessor Pornographer, but this one really made me appreciate it from another perspective. It helped me realize why Rio was the way he was and how this relationship impacted his later relationship with Kusami.

Really Lily?

Country: Korea

Official Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=167D6kmuspU

The Story: Are we friends? Or…

Should you watch?: It’s short, sweet, and funny. Absolutely.

Rural Outcasts

Country: Korea

The Story: Sun Hui moves to a small village where she lives her life as Soon Ho until she can make enough money to become her true self. Dong Ja, a feisty 12 year old, breaks into her house one day.

Should you watch? Yes.

Found family always makes for a heartwarming story and this one is no different. I loved the bond between Dong Ja and Sun Hui and I loved their mother daughter relationship. Very sweet and heartwarming, but be prepared for some heartbreak too.

History3: Make Our Days Count

TRIGGER WARNING: Forced kisses, bullying

Country: Taiwan

The Story: At first glance, high schoolers Xiang Hao Ting and Yu Xi Gu appear to be polar opposites: While Hao Ting is an outgoing, hot-headed extravert and some-time bully, Xi Gu prefers to keep a low profile and focus on his schoolwork. They seem bound for totally different futures – the bookish Xi Gu looks destined for academic success, while life is just a long popularity contest for Hao Ting. But a quirk of fate – and a crucial intervention by a female schoolmate – results in the two young men’s paths crossing. But there is more to both young men than first meets the eye. Hao Ting was not always this way. He started out as a perfect student until he discovered the joys of going off the rails. Xi Gu has a reason for being so aloof and studious: His parents died in a traffic accident while he was younger, and he is being fostered by his aunt. As such, he works hard to get good grades in an effort to win a scholarship and ease the financial burden on his relatives. Xi Gu and Hao Ting find themselves drawn together, and passions ignite. The former notices that he has the unique ability to bring Xi Gu out of his shell – and becomes intent on melting his cold-as-ice exterior. What will happen when their two worlds collide? And can love be the catalyst that helps bring these two unlikely students together – as their high school days draw to a close?

Sun Bo Xiang is Hao Ting’s friend who has a crush on a man, Lu Zhi Gang who he meets at the gym. Zhi Gang’s runs the shop that Xi Gu works at part time. When Bo Xiang confesses to Zhi Gang, and tells him that he’ll love hm forever, Zhi Gang doesn’t believe it because Zhi Gang is young and overzealous. Also, nothing lasts forever, or does it?

Should You Watch?: Yes, but it doesn’t end happily so keep that in mind..

Given this show’s predecessors it had some big shoes to fill. I expected this show to be good and honestly, it was. The general consensus is that the ending ruined the entire show. And had I had time to sit on this series-if I had watched it over the weeks, I might have felt the same way. But I watched the entire show in one sitting over the course of a day and I just can’t bring myself to hate it completely. The writing was good, the directing was good, and the acting was so good I think a lot of the show was elevated because of it. This show made me feel so many things. The couples are great with natural chemistry, and the side characters fit so well (there’s never a dull moment with Hao Ting’s friends). I smiled, I laughed, and of course I cried (#heartbroken). I was sad and upset when episode 10 came around. I wasn’t disappointed once the credits rolled because I was still riding the emotional high of the first nine episodes, but after I had time to sit and think about it, the more disappointed and angry I got. Just like grey rainbow and wise prison life- why did you give me everything I ever wanted and then rip it out from under me? But even so, the first nine eps were great. Does it have its flaws? Well obviously, some things in the show are a little iffy (Hao Ting and Sun Bo practice some problematic behavior at the beginning towards their love interests, that’s where the trigger warning comes in) and the last episode is a glaring misstep. Do I wish things had ended differently? I think they absolutely should have. Even this ending would have been satisfactory with some proper execution and build up. Overall this show could have cemented itself as one of my favorite shows if not for the last episode, but I really don’t regret watching it, because when it was good? It was gold.

Out of Breath

Country: Taiwan

Official Links: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuUQH5CiOw6n9Z0O5ytuQY2EFuvbF_7DX

The Story: Ha Eun has just broken up with her girlfriend when she meets out and proud Min Seo.

Should you watch?: Yes!

It’s a short webseries about coming out and no longer wanting to hide who you are. It’s very sweet and realistic. The ladies are cute and their characters are believable. My only complaint is that I wish the show was longer.

Until We Meet Again

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide

Country: Thailand

Official Links: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPXE51seODgcGxLQF_X5jzQ/playlists

The Story: Thirty years ago, Korn and Intouch were university students in Bangkok. Intouch entered Korn’s life despite knowing that he was the son of one of the most influential people in Bangkok, the mafia. At first, Korn kept pushing Intouch away, but in the end, he couldn’t resist him. However, in a time where homosexuality was unacceptable and having parents that were against their relationship and each other, Korn and In’s love was bound to be doomed. Amidst the chaos, while Intouch kept on fighting for their future, Korn could not deal with all the suffering his lover was facing and decided to give up. That day, two sounds of a gunshot rang through the air. Their story ended with tragedy, but something had already tied itself between them, bounding them together even after they were dead.

Years later, a freshly returned to Thailand, Pharm who is a freshman in T- University has grown up always feeling like he is waiting for someone. Being riddled with sad dreams that always left him waking up with a wet face, fear of loud noises, and a birthmark on his temple, the boy has always felt like there is someone he is missing. Dean, the third year swimming club’s president at T- University has also spent his life searching for someone whose face he can not remember. The red thread of fate that had tied them together in their past life once again pulls the two boys back to each other, tying them to each other and a past that might not be worth remembering, but a love that is unforgettable. Because the red thread that binds the two hearts together will always lead one back to the other. Even though it might tangle or stretch, it will never break.

Should you watch?: 100% yes.

This show isn’t finished yet, so I’ll just talk about what I’ve seen up to this point. I read a few comments about this show before I watched it and although it was one of the shows I was looking forward to the most, I was skeptical about watching it since the reviews were mixed. Lots of people love it, but there was also an overwhelming about of people saying it was boring and average at best. After watching the 12 episodes that are out, I gotta admit that it’s not perfect. It is a little slow in some parts, some times you feel like you’re watching Thailand’s version of the food network, the director needs to learn when a scene is over, the product placement can be distracting, the kisses are more awkward than I’d like them to be, and that sounds like a lot to be bothered by, but honestly- I love this show. I feel like Until We Meet Again is what happens when a production crew cares more about making a good show rather than making something that fuels the typical bl fan’s fantasies. It has an interesting storyline and it’s well acted. There’s great emotional moments filled with sweetness and sadness. It’s funny and there’s loving and supportive family and friends. A lot of the typical bl drama tropes aren’t involved here. There’s no girlfriends, no portrayals of women as evil incarnate, no cheating, no coercion into sexual activities, or the popular I’m just gay for you crap. I saw on Twitter a while back that someone was asking how they could get bl to branch out-how to reach a larger audience because there’s a lot of people that won’t watch it-this is how you do it.

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dekuinthelake · 4 years

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Happy Birthday Bloodborne

Seeing as it’s the 5th year Bloodborne has graced this mess of a planet with it’s omnipotent light I figured write a little thing about how much the game means to me. I’m going to get fairly personal so if you don’t like that kinda thing feel free to skip.

The first time I beat BB I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I’d had a rather basic playthrough where I didn’t see pretty much any of the optional bosses or do any of the story. I did as Gehrman suggested and just hunted some beasts. I took a break from it for a while and didn’t return to it until my life started getting... Difficult.

My parents a year prior had gone through a rather turbulent divorce. In the wake of this, my sister and her boyfriend moved in so we could all help my dad pay for his house if only just barely. At the time we all knew even with four of us we didn’t make the type of money to help make payments and the inevitability of him loosing the house was a constant and looming stress. Worse still, my sister only agreed to move in if she was added to the mortgage, meaning she could threaten to sell on a whim, a privilege which she started using to strong arm me and my dad in to behaving a certain way. Her boyfriend was verbally abusive towards everyone, but especially condescending to her. Tension grew between all four of us, but especially between me and the boyfriend. I could ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch and catch up and she’d respond, “Let me ask my BF”. His control over her became apparent and the wedges he was intentionally drawing between her and our family was impossible to ignore.

All the while I was working a 4AM shift at a Zoo in the winter and barely getting any daylight or human contact since I had to be in bed so early to wake up for the drive. I cleaned a mile of glass in the dark every day non stop, only to have it be dirtied the moment the park opened. No matter how hard I worked to keep the park as clean as I could, even to the point of putting on dust masks to knock down spider, the higher ups weren’t happy with our companies work. As our contract was rapidly coming to an end, rumors began to circulate that we might not have it renewed if things didn’t improve. Worse still, someone had been stealing from the supply closet. Supposedly only the managers knew the code, and this sparked massive distrust in the Zoo staff towards our department to the point keys were taken away and our lives were made harder by no longer having access to vital shortcuts around the park which made getting from place to place take even longer in the miles long local.

This futility and rage sparked the most obsessive play through of a game I’ve had to date. Undeniably, these situations were hopeless and lonely, and Bloodborne is a game that understood exactly how I was feeling. The Hunt is, after all, an eternal nightmare. No matter how many beasts, kin, or humans you kill, it’s an unending loop of uncertainty and oppressive danger. The tenuous state of things in Yharnam was uncomfortably familiar. Only in the game, it was far easier to focus on the things I could control.

The weapon I wielded. The stats I chose to upgrade. Which path I wanted to explore. The fluid combat enabled more split second choices every second, helped in large part by a generous stamina bar. More so than Dark Souls, Bloodborne expects you, the player, to take charge. You either commit to an aggressive plan and kill the beasts, or you die.

When I first started, I played extremely cautiously and likewise did not have a lot of success. On new game +1, however, I began to realize that vital element. Hesitate and you die. Commit entirely and live. The more I played, the more I meditated on the very nature of what this game was communicating to me.

In my actual life, I hadn’t come out as trans yet and it was something I was viciously debating internally. Earlier that year I tried to commit suicide. I half came out in the hospital, telling the ICU nurses my name was Mike. But even in the psych ward I was terrified to speak to social workers and groups about those feelings... Being that I had 6 hours completely alone and in the dark, it gave me time to listen to a lot of media by trans people. I distinctly remember one video where a trans woman was describing what dysphoria feels like and openly sobbing. I was starting to understand the core of why I hated myself, my body, and my current situation so much.

But I was afraid. Even after the epiphany that I wanted to come out, I had a lot of doubt on if I could afford HRT, if I could commit to it, and what people would think. I worried starting T and in turn second puberty would bring back my horrible temper that I had going through it the first time. When I say I had rage problem, that’s putting it mildly. I’ve punched people before just for touching me when I was younger, and with the situation between me and my sister’s boyfriend getting more tense by the day I was rightfully concerned it might erupt in to actual physical violence.

And so... I continued to come home from being alone all to spend most of my time alone playing Bloodborne. It was a great game to keep my mind off of things because of how much focus it demands to play. Funny enough, once you get good at it, the beasts are also a great punching bag.

A lot can be said about how Blood Vials aren’t the best method of healing. Having to stop boss attempts because you need to go farm some red Estus isn’t great design. However, running around that first part of Yharnam with the beast claws just shredding through citizens like a wild animal is possibly the most cathartic thing in my life at the time. It made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and like I was in complete control. I knew exactly how to handle the big pats one by one, and eventually I got skilled enough to just run into that big mob by the tree and stop people anyway because of how good the audio queues are at letting you know when you gotta dodge. I spent hours in both this location AND Chalice Dungeons farming for Echoes and consumables to the point that controlling my character in Bloodborne feels as natural as walking.

I started beating the game faster and faster. I was on +5 difficulty and working on the DLC by myself when things escalated...

At this point, I knew staying at my dad’s house wouldn’t be possible. The verbal fights between me and my sister were getting more and more prevalent. More than that, I knew it was time to come out and I didn’t feel secure doing that in an environment that was actively hostile. The plan was to save up, move out with two friends... But moving out came far faster than I had anticipated.

A few days after my birthday, we had a family meeting. I don’t remember what sparked it, but we all sat around and voiced our complaints with each other. When it was my turn to speak, I brought up the fact my sister’s boyfriend had been intentionally isolating her on top of in general just being a jackass to her. He’d make her get things for him, call her stupid when they played games... The works. I don’t remember what he said that sparked it, but I remember the feeling... A really familiar feeling I hadn’t had in years. My pulse thundered in my neck so hard I couldn’t hear anyone over it. I started yelling incoherent shit. My sister stood in front of him because I was aggressively stepping forward. It was that temper I thought I’d knocked coming back. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, I’m absolutely sure I would have pummeled that man. I hadn’t felt that way since I strangled a kid in school to the point he nearly passed out.

It was then I knew I had to leave. By nature, I’m violent. I hate it. But the decisiveness which I’d slowly been building helped me find the courage to admit this.

I took off in my car and just hauled ass to the highway. I had a bloodborne CD I’d been playing on my way to and from work. It sounds silly, but larping I was just a hunter during those crushing morning shifts was helping me keep going. Sure it was hopeless, but I felt bad ass to keep trying. I needed to have an unbreaking will to deal with this dilemma. Having so recently made a second attempt to kill myself, I had this powerful urge that no matter what I couldn’t end up there again. So, I decided not to beat myself up about it and just accept that I had to move on and away from what little family I had left. I remember not really thinking words. I listened to Gehrman’s music on repeat with the windows rolled down going 78 miles an hour and just... Screaming. Literally screaming as loud as I could in to the night. Over and over again until it hurt just to breathe.

Even though I felt betrayed by the people I thought were closest to me there wasn’t anything I could do but endure.

Eventually I arrived my current roommate’s parent’s place where they were living at the time. I told her and her husband what happened. We went to the store for something. I got a call from my dad saying my sister was threatening to move out and apparently had yelled at him for not keeping me in line despite the fact at one point he’d physically gotten up and started yelling in my face to calm down. That was it. I asked my friend’s parents if I could move in temporarily and... That was that.

The next day we gathered up all my things. I had to leave my dogs which was possibly the most agonizing part.

But that night? I beat the orphan of Kos by myself on +5 on my computer monitor plugged in the wall and set on a box. Doing that was this weird extreme elation. It’s like I’d defeated two massively difficult, seemingly impossible tasks in one day. I’m glad I had help with the moving, though. Unlike Kos, that would have been impossible alone haha.

That weekend passed and I went back to work at the Zoo as normal. After I finished my shift, however, every employee in my company was called to a meeting. This was it. We all knew what was coming. We were to be laid off in December, giving us 3 months to find new work or apply to the company that was taking over the contract.

In the wake of this news, moral plummeted. No one really tried that hard. I was coming in high to work every day and drinking with a coworker during our shift while we tired our best to continue work. That last month I worked there was a weird drug addled haze of extreme emotions mixed with ignoring them in favor of listening to VaatiVidya lore breakdowns of Bloodborne.

I was going home and spending hours on art inspired by the general vibe of the game and my impossible to digest feelings. I’d lost my job, home, and family. I don’t know if I would have survived without both Bloodborne and my art as an outlet.

In the following months, I had gotten to New Game +7 and started recording myself trying to kill bosses without healing. Even though to this day no one watches these attempts but me, making them was frankly vital to keeping me distracted and focused on something I could control.

There was a time where I didn’t think Ludwig +1 was beatable but... Here I am two years later happily having 100% Bloodborne and beaten every boss on +7, most of them without even needing to heal.

The biggest lesson I took away from this game was persistence and decisiveness. The Souls series in general made me realize something huge that to this day has helped me fight my depression back. I’m a stubborn fuck who will grind and grind and grind until I finally achieve victory.

Fight for the progress you want to make. Things seem hopeless a lot, but you have to keep going. With effort, you can change anything you want to in your life.

Two years later, I’ve been doing HRT for 1 year and 3 months. I just had top surgery done. I’m working a job I like that’s got normal daytime hours and pays more than any work I’ve ever had with benefits. I don’t think I would have had the tenacity to stick to these things without realizing a fundamental aspect about my personality thanks to the help of Bloodborne specifically.

I can endure, learn, grow, adapt.

Thank you, Fromsoft. I hope this conveys a shred of what this dumb little game means to me. I needed Bloodborne so much when I moved out. I’m so glad it exists.

#Bloodborne #long post #personal

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jewizh · 5 years

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an excessively long self-reflection into gender and sexuality - specifically being trans and bi.

first off, im just noticing there's a rainbow eucalyptus tree by my bus stop, so now i can daily zone out looking at pretty colours.

second, figuring out sexuality/handling bisexuality "am i bisexual? am i not? i thought i was, then i realized i wasn't, except now i think i am" is absolutely frustrating and not something i see much being talked about - honestly probably because i avoid it as i tend to do with a lot of things, to the point that i'm still confused and on the edge of what i am - especially in relation to being transgender.

and it's like, my first idea that im bisexual came from "wow girls are hot, boys are hot, guess im bisexual" and i lived my life like this. young, baby brained me was honestly pretty intellectual and knew things. even better, i was lucky enough to not question beyond this, and went and had a girlfriend in middle school while together, we fawned over boys. it was a genuinely not terrible experience, until then-fourteen year old me was being told "i love you" and i panicked because i'm fourteen and didn't feel the same way, so i broke it off. unimportant in the long run.

and after this, i continued on thinking, i'm bi. it's chill. i started questioning my gender, something i dont think would have happened earlier on had i not dated someone who wasn't cis - and as soon as some jackass comes out saying "transtrender" or some dumb shit, no. i was confused, always have been confused in relation to gender expression at the very least. i had always been non-feminine, but, here's where i started actively looking at gender. amazingly, this analysis of how i acted didn't even key in on the idea that i'm not a girl, but instead, i figured my avoidance of femininity was because of internal misogyny, so baby me went and wore a dress "happily" to embrace that being girly wasn't weak! yay! good intentions, but...wrong personal reasons.

i get older - that sounds dramatic because it's like the span of a year or two - and i continue "i like girls and boys and non-binary!" (gonna be honest, this is about the time i was delving into hamilton, one of the worst and better experiences i've had in relation to tumblr, but that is a completely different story; at the very least, i was getting more into social insight on gender.) about here, i'm questioning my gender for real because while that dress i wore to homecoming was pretty, i was uncomfortable as hell and expressing femininity did not make me feel good. step one is realizing im not a girl, which is a good step: i say im non-binary (which, i am). through this confusion, i tack on that i'm asexual because im confused and frustrated and like...fourteen/fifteen. i really would have saved myself a world of pain and confusion if i just sat there for a few minutes and went "im fourteen/fifteen", but again, another story. at this point, i'm still touting that im bi.

more time passes - aka now im 16 - and i cut my hair, get a binder, im turning into my mom's worst nightmare right before her eyes. i never fully drop the whole "im non-binary" thing, but i actively start embracing and expressing that im trans-masculine - or, just trans because that's so much easier to say and is the whole damn truth. here is about the time i put my attraction on the line because i was/am confused and scared. it's going to take me a few months to work through that i'm not asexual - no, i'm not grey-sexual, fuck why did i think that, who let fourteen year old me go "oh damn, i dont wanna sleep with anyone right now??? i must be asexual!!" and who let fifteen year old me go "hm, i think im starting to feel sexual attraction, but not towards every person i pass, im grey-ace!" - but now i'm also looking at my attraction to gender. newly appointed trans me has a large interest in boys because i was confused. slowly, i dropped thinking i was attracted to girls because i was too busy giving boys heart eyes in what i assumed to be total attraction and not also just envy that they have what i dont. being attracted to girls confuses me because i hated my body and some evil part of my brain said i cant like girls because that means i should like myself and my body - don't ask for the logic here, there is none.

and here's the thing, for years i went along with this. i envy boys, who i also happen to me "exclusively" attracted to. dysphoria compounds this, i go with it, even as i pass over girls that are cute because my attraction to them isn't the same as my attraction to boys - oh, news flash, nobody told me that my being attracted to them in different ways is completely normal. i pass through life actively attracted to girls and waltz about like there's nothing wrong with that, i'm gay, even as i want to date a girl im like "pff, im gay, that's weird". i was actually so deep into confusion based around gender dysphoria i really went and dropped being bi altogether, honestly thinking i cant possibly like girls.

now, call me a nerd and sad, whatever, but i actually took me doing a heavy and thorough star trek rewatch and falling in love with a girl every three seconds before i sat there and realized "oh shit". it was a big oh shit, and even then, i was nervously like "nah, it's just. they're pretty! i like boys exclusively!! i dont like girls the same way i like boys, so i like boys!" and it really took finally seeing someone else say that being bi doesn't mean you're attracted to gender the same way for me to realize - damn it, im bi, aren't i. not in a disappointed way, i will say i think im luckier for not ever dealing with internal biphobia when i was younger, and that carried over, i dont have any distaste over being bi, but there really is a sense of frustration looking back at eleven/twelve year old me saying im bi and sixteen-eighteen being like "im gay" all because of confusion based around gender dysphoria. and there's even more frustration confronting that dysphoria and how it sways my perception of gender and attraction in a way i can't really express. there's frustration that i finally concluded im bi while watching star trek at midnight while pointedly not doing my physic homework.

i never had people to talk to about this, absolutely terrified of being judged, called fake, etc. and scared of stigma. it took me long years for my ever-evolving self to come full circle because i was too scared and confused to talk about it instead of crying into a pillow at night because of extreme frustration.

and that's my excessively long post to say... im bi. girls are pretty.

#amazingly my thinking 'boys are stupid girls are so much better they're pretty i want to date one again'#didnt key me in on that mayhaps i am bi like i thought when i was a literal child....#transgender #bisexual #lgbt #long post #mine #txt

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