#being diagnosed with adhd and bpd that was nothing but THIS ONE? it ruined my life for at least a few months | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sh00t · 2 years

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I've been putting off setting up a fundraiser for months, but I recently became homeless so now's the time to do it. ❤️

I'm 23 and top surgery has been the only thing keeping me alive for over a year now.

I have c-PTSD, bipolar and late-diagnosed ADHD that has caused me to withdraw from university, escape my transphobic and abusive parents and pay for private healthcare in order to survive daily life. I am now homeless living in temporary accommodation from the council which I still have to pay for.

I’ve managed to save £5.5k the past three years to pay for top surgery (removal of breast tissue to achieve a flat, masculine chest). I’m now having to withdraw thousands from this fund due to worsening life circumstances. With my surgery quote at £7,991 and booked for 2nd November later this year, I’m facing working 48 hour weeks as a carer for people with dementia, in order to replenish my fund and pay for this live-saving surgery in time. Every month delayed has a huge impact on my mental and physical health.

I receive abuse and punishment at home which has contributed to my mental health and constant state of hypervigilance, even when there is no real threat around me. My stress resilience is tiny compared to my peers and I am extremely emotionally reactive to things, unable to cope with the intensity of my pain and regulate myself when distressed.

I have been seeing mental health professionals since I was 13, through school, charities and funding from Disabled Students Allowance. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2020, I was self-harming and on track to ruining my life with addiction and £16k in debt.

Since then I’ve engaged in many forms of therapy that teach the basics of how to sleep and coping with emotions. I was on antidepressants and now on two mood stabilisers, hormone blockers to prevent persistent bleeding and further mood episodes, and am starting ADHD meds in order to get me functional, back to work and able to finish school again. My psychosomatic symptoms include nausea, digestion issues, muscle aches, cramps, and brain fog most days, which worsen when I’m stressed and leave me unable to even sit up in bed some days, leave the house or walk long distances.

I chose to study psychology because I want to be a therapist for disabled, queer, POC (people of colour) and immigrant students like me one day. Things I’ve done for the community include being a POC community officer for my uni's Pride Society, LGBTUIA+ rep for my course, getting charity funding for a BPD wellbeing community I co-started, and volunteering on the NHS LGBTI+ Sounding Board.

Now for the hardest part: asking for help.

Any donation (or simply sharing this fundraiser) could help ease the stress I'm going through as I struggle to budget for:

Therapy

ADHD treatment

Food & shelter

This life-saving surgery

Time to take care of myself, much less have fun

I've been so focussed on survival for so long. It's difficult to find motivation to do anything, and, especially recently, I think about wanting to die for several hours every day. I cancel outings with friends because the thought of travelling and having to schedule around 12 hour work shifts is too stressful. Figuring out where I'm going to sleep, shower and commute from, plus timing when to take my medication so I'm not sedated during work shifts, has me feeling constantly worried and sad.

Thank you in advance for any help, and if nothing else, reading and getting an understanding of issues trans people can face accessing healthcare.

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rainsongmp3 · 3 years

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thoughts on adhd Dean?

i personally believe dean has adhd. i am well aware that this is somewhat projection bc i have adhd. but dean’s trouble focusing (doesn’t like research), hyperfixations (cowboys, led zeppelin/classic rock, cars, hunting), rejection sensitive dysphoria (self hatred, messing up with sam and cas, etc), and mood swings (anger, happiness, sadness) seem to lend itself to adhd. dean thinks of himself as less smart. i think this comes from the fact that he didn’t do well in school primarily due to being bored and cutting class which is very common for someone with adhd. but adhd doesn’t make u any less smart it just means that school and the way it expects u to thrive isn’t what’s best for u and the way ur brain learns. i relate a lot to dean’s mood swings. my emotions bubble up in a way that i can’t control. specifically anger. and that’s something i see a lot in dean. i’ve done a lot of research on adhd bc it wasn’t ever explained well to me when i was first diagnosed. so the best way i can describe it is by paraphrasing an article i read. but it basically said people with adhd experience emotions like a little kid. sometimes they’re having a really good day and nothing can ruin it; they’re very happy and hyper and having a lot of fun even if it’s not the most appropriate time for these emotions. other times they’re very happy and having a great time but knocking over a carton of milk (anything they perceive as Not Good) can ruin their entire day (rsd). sometimes they bounce right back and sometimes they don’t. i think we talk a lot about adhd dean in terms of lack of focus and hyperfixations but miss out on this emotional piece. this being said i think bipolar dean and bpd dean are valid. they share a lot of symptoms with adhd (i was almost diagnosed with bipolar once and so i did research into the similarities between adhd and bipolar) but they’re not talked about as much bc they have a much more negative connotation (which is unfair!). as much as i love adhd dean we should talk about bipolar dean and bpd dean more. this is very rambly and mostly projection so maybe one day i’ll do a more in depth adhd dean analysis but this is what we’re getting for now. i don’t think i said anything new but i enjoyed saying it.

it’s dean winchester’s birthday send me dean asks

#i love adhd dean so very much #however i don’t think it should talk away from bipolar bpd or even autistic dean interpretations #dean winchester #adhd dean #supernatural #spn

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recoverysure · 3 years

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Vent about being HSP

Literally hate being diagnosed as HSP (highly sensitive person).

Hyper empathy that ruins relationships by shoving other peoples emotions into my own. Ruining any sort of emotional privacy people might want

Sensory overload that ruins parties, and everyday tasks like going to work or doing the groceries

Anxiety around literally everything because I'm hyper conscious of the consequences my actions may have

Depression that comes from so many things but mainly the failure to live up to all the expectations I put on life, as someone who's a 'deep thinker' (I fucking HATE that term)

Shit sleep because of intrusive thoughts that keep me spiralling into panic every night

Being unable to start tasks because I'm so afraid of what happens after them.

And motherfucking crying at nothing because my emotions decided I should feel everything all at once

And to top it all off? No one knows about it. No one gives two shits that I'm ~highly sensitive~ because it's not Autism, adhd, or bpd. That's not to say those people don't deserve attention and care. But being ~highly sensitive~ just means people think I'm trying to be special by making up some kind of disorder where I get to think a lot and be really emotional.

I wish I had something diagnosable. Something with strategies to cope. Something with educational accomodations. I'm taking anti-anxiety medication and it works, but it doesn't help with everything else.

I don't want empathy. I don't want to feel the anger my partner feels towards me when I fuck something up. I don't want to feel the disappointment my boss feels when I call in sick. I don't want to feel all these negative things people feel about me, because it's all just making me hate myself. I'm sick of it. I'm tired. I just wish it had an off switch.

#HSP #highly sensitive people #highly sensitive person #not gonna tag it as anything else because fuck you HSP

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buggybrains · 7 years

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Doing this meme! And since I figure no one will actually send me asks I’m just gonna answer all asks myself

Warning for asks that contain content related to self harm, suicide, drugs, and drinking.

1. Self dx or professional dx?

I actually discovered AVPD by being professionally diagnosed with it in the first place, yes

2. How long have you known you had AVPD?

Since I was diagnosed which was sometime around 2012? So thats about 5 years at this point. However I don’t think I actually knew exactly what AVPD WAS until maybe 2-3 years ago.

3. Were you diagnosed with social anxiety prior to AVPD?

I was diagnosed with major anxiety in 3rd grade (its been a long long while so I don’t remember the details exactly) mostlty because of my crippling emetophobia. I was never really diagnosed with social anxiety specifically though and I feel like it never really applied to me since I’ve always avoided anxiety-inducing situations when possible anyway.

4. Do you have any other cluster c PDs?

I suspect I may have DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder) to some extent, but mostly as a byproduct of AVPD. Otherwise it doesn’t seem like I do.

5. Do you have any other PDs in general?

I have some traits others have but not enough to really say I have the PD. And in cases like Schizoid PD, the traits I mostly share come from my combination of AVPD, depression, and autism.

6. Do you have traits of any other PDs?

The big ones I seem to have traits I share with are Schizoid, as mentioned above, since I choose solitary activities with little human interaction, I’m socially detached, my emotional range is restricted, I can’t pick up on social cues, etc. As you can see, a lot of it is just a combination of AVPD and autism for me personally, which is why I can’t say I have this PD.

And then a lot of the times I feel like I relate a lot to experiences BPD people have, but I don’t feel anything nearly as intensely as they do and don’t experience anything nearly as intensely as they do except in very particular situations. Most of the traits I share in common with BPD mostly come from my DPD symptoms.

7. Do you have any other mental illnesses?

Mental Illness wise - I have chronic depression and dysthymia.

However, neurotype-wise, I also have ADHD and autism.

8. Which AVPD symptom do you think is the most prominent in you?

My unwillingness to talk or interact with someone for any reason. Whether I just really want to say something, ask for help, express myself, go somewhere, initiate something, etc, its just always easier to. not. And in the end I always choose to just, not, without fail.

9. Do you have a safe person?

Yes, Mattie!! My symptoms are surely not gone when around them by a long shot but a lot are diminished to an extent.

10. What do you dislike most about having AVPD?

I can’t bring myself to do so much. I blame it for ruining a lot of my relationships and friendships. So many friendships have ended because I couldn’t bring myself to just say hi and check up on people. I couldn’t do anything as simple as that. And now I have barely anyone left.

11. What do you like most about having AVPD? (If anything)

Is there anything actually redeemable about AVPD? Haha. But I guess one plus is that I don’t feel social anxiety very often, since I’ll just avoid anything that will make me feel social anxiety pretty easily. I mean, you know, at the trade off of not doing anything I want to do. Sucks when I actually DO have something that is unavoidable I have to do though. Haha honeslty this isn’t a plus at all.

12. Have you ever been on medication?

No.... I’ve alwyas been too afraid of side effects and medication not working with me to try. Plus, I’ve alwys been negligent of other medication in the past, no matter what kind of medication it is. I fear my negligence with medication will ruin me when I have to use it for mental illness reasons, so I refrain.

13. Have you ever been in therapy?

Yes, but beyond a diagnosis and accomodations letter, it has never helped me.I just feel guilty for never being able to bring myself to do anythign requested of me (which is probably both due to my AVPD, and lack of desire to do anything for myself because of my depression. nothing was worth doing. it was easier to not do anything)

14. What do you think caused your AVPD?

A lot of things. I think the biggest one was my emetophobia though. I had it to such a degree as a child that I would do my best to avoid being too physically close to anyone in fear they would vomit on me without warning.

However, my brain being geared towards depression at a very young age and also being autistic probably added to this as well, since interactions between other people just become hard and not worth it.

15. Do your friends know you have AVPD?

My immediate family knows, though I don’t know if they remember. My friends online know though.

16. Have you ever been hospitalized, if so, was it voluntary or involuntary?

Not for mental illness reasons no.

17. Do you self harm?

Not in a way I can detect. Self harm seems to require some sense of self to do so, which I dont’ really have. Though also I fear I won’t be able to stop if I ever do start.

18. Have you ever considered suicide?

Somewhat. I consider isolating myself from the world first before then. I’m not worth death.

I can never really seriously consider and deeply think about suicide for myself since that requries commitment and effort. Its easier to just, not to. Like I deal with the rest of my life.

19. Have you ever attempted suicide?

See above. I can’t make that kind of commitment or effort.

20. Do you drink , smoke, or do drugs to cope?

Nope.

#personal #avpd #actuallyavoidant #actuallyavpd

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