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maskthesimp · 10 months

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Jealousy Of A Stupor | Chapter 1

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Warnings: Jealousy, Sensory Overload, Sam and Saileach are both ghostfaces (sorta), there are more than 2, underage drinking (in the US), swearing, mixed signals but not in a way that's too uncomfortable or cringe inducing (yet), I think that's it lmk if I missed something.

word count: 5k

a/n: I did not proof read this, it’s well after 3am right now and I REALLY wanna get this out so if something goes wrong, I can correct it another time. Now, enjoy this very self indulgent fic. Because it is not a reader one, and uses my Self Insert as the main character. Kiss my ass, its fun. I reblog x reader stuff all the time, go support those writers <3 they do it better. There's also some fun details I added, including an Easter egg some scream fans who are also gamers may notice. Have fun!

[Outside The College - Third Person POV]

It was the end of the week, a sunny day, gleaming streaks of clouds streaming across the sky. The best kind of day to sit in the shade of a tree in front of college campus. The final bell rang out, signalling the end of this week’s classes as the students flooded out of the hallways, amongst them was a small, long black-haired figure swiftly shuffling through the open dam of students. Their feet clicking, stomping and scraping across the pavement leading from the front doors.

Down the pathway walked the figure, as the rest loomed over them, until they met a wooden table that sat a group of familiar faces. Chad, his twin sister Mindy, her girlfriend and new girl Anika, and other new guy Ethan, who sat opposite their close friend with freckles littering her face, a deep scar that decorated her hand in a crescent, Tara.

“Hi, Saileach!” A soft voice piped up from beside Mindy. The bright appearance and demeanour of the girl matched the voice.

“Hi, Anika!” They responded with a grin. They sat down on the opposite end of the bench to Tara, leaving a space for the one who had yet to show up. “That final exam was a motherfucker, wasn’t it? What a load of shite question 7 was, too.” They sat their bag down beside them on the concrete square amongst the grass that their table was bolted to, “What kind of torturer came up with that paper?”

“Jokes on you losers, I didn’t take a film studies course,” Chad teased, a hint of a smug smile creeping on his lips, while Saileach pulled out their phone to text someone, responding without glancing up from their screen.

“Ah, yes, because physical education and the study of frat parties is completely stressless,” the group turns their attention back to them, “fuckin eejit…” they tease, a playful grin growing on their own lips. “When are you gonna be here?” Saileach sends a text to their closest friend, jumping when they hear a matured voice coming from behind them.

“I am here,” Tara and Saileach immediately turn their attention behind them, seeing Tara’s older sister standing tall over the both of them, “You just weren’t paying attention,” The taller, and older, woman sends a knowing glance at the dwarf, raising an eyebrow with a subtle smirk that only her sister and closest friend would be able to notice. Sam didn’t go to their college, after all she was a fair number of years older than all of them, being 5 years older than her sister. However, since she couldn’t keep them safe inside the school, she opted to meet them outside of it every day instead, something that Saileach looked forward to every time.

“If by paying attention you mean having eyes on the back of my head, then uh, no. No I wasn’t,” They retort, patting the space between themselves and the younger Carpenter, allowing Sam to slip in and settle down herself. She had a habit of using her body to guard the two people she held closest. She refused to let anyone cause Saileach to make that pained, terrified expression they made when they saw Richie pining her to the floor of Stu Macher’s old house, or to let anyone’s knife carve her sister’s flesh while she wasn’t there again. The fear in their eyes reminding her too much of a child that was being stared down by their angry, drunken parent, and the sight of her sister vulnerable in a hospital bed causing her to lose sleep over the nights she wished she never left. But if she didn’t, she might not have met them. She gave a sneaking glance to the distracted person tucking their knees into themselves beside her, mentally smiling to herself.

“Wow, the snark is just radiating from the table today! I’m proud of you all, as the resident master in attitude, you make me glad to have you as students,” Mindy couldn’t help but stick herself into the conversation, even more so to give herself props, as she wraps an arm around her girlfriend’s waist. Not that surprising, and no one could really deny her title either.

“Well, its the end of the week, and we have one more day before we have two weeks off and have to come back to this hell hole,” Chad takes no time in changing the conversation, “I’m going to be partying and living off beer the whole time, what about you guys?” changing it so he can turn it into something alcohol related, of course. The rest of the group enters a collective sound of questioning hums. Ethan is the first to answer with a tut of dismissal.

“Not really anything-…” He tries to answer but is cut off by Chad.

“Wrong!” He says, patting Ethan’s back with a firm hand, “I am gonna get you laid, man. I swear to you, these next two weeks you and I will be drowning in women, got it?” The younger man can only stutter over his response, before caving and agreeing to join Chad on his two-week party plan. Mindy and Anika both agree to join them.

“You two gonna hop on the train as well?” Anika raises an eyebrow, gesturing a nod towards the two sandwiching Sam between them.

“Well…” Tara starts.

“No. Not a chance. Neither of you are going to some frat group’s house party, let alone multiple over two weeks!” Everyone turns to Sam, who answered for Tara before she could finish.

“What? You can’t stop me from having fun for two weeks, Sam!” Tara gestures angrily to Sam, then to her friends. Unlike Saileach, she wanted her sister to back off and stop being so protective.

“Sam, hey, I promise we’ll look after her, right guys?” The jock makes a promise to the older sister, after all, she knew how much he cared for Tara. But could she really let her beloved little sister off to some frat party with drunk idiots who would probably just forget their job two beers in? Her nerves are settled just a little bit when Saileach gently holds her sleeve, and suggests they have a smaller “practice party” tonight at her and Tara’s apartment.

“Look, I’m against anyone, especially Tara, going to any big drunken parties as you are, Sam,” They gently rest their palm on top of hers, “But we can’t stop her from going through life like everyone else, maybe this will prove Chad and Mindy can make sure she’s safe, yeah?” After a long pause and taking a deep breath, noticing the mild offence on Anika and Ethan’s face at Saileach not including them, eventually agreeing on the practice party.

The group eventually settles down, each heading back to their respective apartment complexes. Chad headed back with Ethan, Mindy and Anika stuck together as usual to go back to their apartment, Sam and Tara went back to join Quinn, who they predictably would probably end up walking in on yet another of her sex positive afternoons. Saileach meanwhile was the only one who didn’t live with a member of the group, because all the apartments were filled. Instead, they took the apartment just across from Sam and Tara’s, and stayed with a guy called Danny. Luckily, their apartment view had a clear sight into Sam and Tara’s kitchen, so they could rest easy knowing they weren’t too far away.

[In Sam And Tara’s Apartment]

As expected, when the sisters came home, Quinn was indeed having sex. Again. Everyone had been assigned a task for the night. Mindy was to choose the movie line up, Chad was to go out and buy the drinks, and Saileach & Tara were to team up and goo buy the snacks.

While Tara was getting ready to head out with Saileach to get the snacks, which everyone had personally made requests for, Sam decided to clean up the place a little bit and get comfortable before everyone got there. Quinn had said goodbye to that evening’s fun, and bumped into the taller brunette in the kitchen, washing some dishes.

“I am never bringing that one over again,” She groaned, leaning her elbows on the kitchen island. She had noticed Sam peeking out the window in intermittent glances, and when she got up to check for herself what the fuss was about, a hint of red had creeped its way across Sam’s cheeks. “Ooo,” She cooed, “Is someone staring at mister cute abs again?” Quinn had caught a peek at a set of arm muscles moving just barely out of view, trying in vain to get another peek for herself.

“Drop it, Quinn…” Sam countered, cutting off her roomie’s teasing before it could go further. She placed another clean dish in the drying rack.

“Aw, come on! He’s hot as all get out, and you clearly has a thing for you, too,” The red-head sauntered over to Sam, despite her glare she kept pressing the issue, “I’ve seen him peeking through the window as well~” She drew out that last part in a sing song.

“I said no, and you know why,” Sam’s tone was getting harsher, more blood rushing to her face and ears, “I’m not ready for something like that,” She pushed herself off the edge of the kitchen sink, “Now, if you’ll excuse me?” She turned to Quinn before walking off to get dressed, leaving her to take a few more cheeky looks out the window alone.

“Sam, I’m heading out!” Tara called out, in response to a frail knock on their apartment door. She opened it, peering down ahead of time, knowing who was waiting, “Hi, Sail,” She greeted the dwarf with a bright grin, “You ready to go?” She asked.

“I should be asking you,” They gestured to the apartment, brushing a strand of their pitch dark hair behind their ear, “I did come to your door after all.” They teased with a raised brow.

“Alright, smart ass, lets go,” She walks out, shouting in, “See you in a bit, Sam!” And shutting the door behind her.

“Be careful!” Her sister shouted back, but the door had shut on her before she could even finish her sentence, and the two were gone.

[At The Corner Store]

A bell dings above the glass door, which was framed by windows that granted a completely clear view to the shelves stocked with chocolate, crisps, nuts, and the fridges in the back that glowed with a dull, white light, illuminating the bubbly beers, sweet soft drinks and fizzy sodas that lined the shelves behind the glass.

“Good evening, Mr Hackett!” A soft voice called out, the small frame that belonged to it following suit with another fairly taller one as second one repeated what the first said, their dark hair melding together in the bodega owner’s peripheral, creating a blob of moving colours mixing in black, peach and white.

“Good evening, Saileach, good evening, Tara,” The older man didn’t look up from his news paper which he was staring at hard enough to damn near burn a hole through, his reading glasses resting comfortably on the bridge of his nose, “What brings you both here this late?” He asked, a hint of the tone of an old friend on the tip of his tongue.

“An absolute bender!” The smaller customer excitedly answered the familiar clerk, spinning on the heel of their thick, black boots to walk backwards, their hands casually in the pockets of their black zip up. Tara granted a smiling glance towards the banter the two were having, grabbing a bag from the rack to keep their bounty of food in.

“Do you mean a quote-unquote “bender” of a single night?” The middle-aged man teased, sending a sly smirk and a glance towards the exaggerated feign of shock on Saileach’s face, the creases on their skin bending and warping their dark lipstick and eyeliner.

“Aye, sure, sure,” They give a light-hearted response from their curled lips, before turning back to their shopping buddy to get ready for the night’s drink-filled activities. They followed the taller girl around, nabbing some snacks and tossing them into the bag. The two peacefully exchanged some small talk, until Tara asks a question that pulls the fun energy out of the conversation, for Saileach anyway.

“Has Sam seemed a bit…off to you?” She asked absentmindedly, glancing at the shelves.

“In what way?” They briefly pause in their tracks so as to not go too far ahead of Tara.

“As in, she seems kinda distant these days,” She turns her eye contact back down beside her, “I’ve seen her taking looks out the window with a smile on her face, I think she has a thing for that cute boy you live with, eh?” She giggles, “She always did have a thing for muscles.” She teased her sister behind her back about the pack of muscles she saw Sam staring at from the kitchen on numerous occasions.

“Does she?” Suddenly the tension in their muscles rose. The colour draining from their face, turning it more pale than their makeup was able to cover up, but just enough that Tara couldn’t notice between her half-second glances from them and the shelves.

“I think so, though I don’t blame her, if I was her I’d wanna get with that too.” She chuckled.

“Hm, interesting…” That was the last conscious sentence they made for the rest of the shopping trip. The only thing they could hear was the heated blood rushing in their ears, a cacophony of a nearby waterfall of blood in both their mind and under their skin, the bell ringing with each customer that went in and out of the glass which fragilely housed their mind, the shuffling of feet with the moving bags and the muffled sounds of Tara talking to them in the background, blissfully unaware of the grip Saileach had on their own palm, their knuckles turning a dead white, and their nails leaving crescent grooves into their own flesh under the safe disguise of their zip-up’s pockets. All they could do was run on auto-pilot, keep it to themselves by dissociating, and keeping up the mask of normalcy over the darkening of their eyes in hopes Tara wouldn’t notice their dead, ghostly appearance matching their droning, lifeless behaviour. They felt like all but a worming mound of disgust and anger wrapped in a poorly stitched together suit of human flesh. They swore they could feel the frame of their bones that kept them from collapsing into a gelatinous glob of immovable tissue and blood. The smell of everything reeked, making their stomach churn in a desperate effort to not chuck up them lunch they had earlier. They could feel the cold air of the nearby fridges ticking the hairs in their nose. They couldn’t take it anymore, they needed out. It was a death trap being in this small glass and brick cage, an asylum cell that could comfortably keep you alive for weeks or months on end but smelled, sounded and felt so terribly claustrophobic and rotten. Was that musk of decaying meat real, or just their heavy, manual breathing making them lightheaded? They couldn’t know for sure. Get me out. Out. Home. I want to go home. That was all they could think. It plagued their mind like the incessant buzzing of a blue-bottle or a song they just couldn’t escape no matter how many radio channels they cycled between. It was torture. It was suffocating. It was-

“That’ll be 24.95.” It was peaceful. The sound of a gentle bodega clerk, the repetitive pinging of the till as he swiped the snacks across the barcode scanner that gleamed with a red stain reflecting on his glasses. Tara making brief small talk with him was music on their sensitive ears.

“Thanks, Mr Hackett,” She said, taking the last of the snacks and returning them to the bag, slinging it over her curled fingers, “See you later, bye!”

“Cya, old man.” Saileach gave a light-hearted farewell to the man over the counter, giving him a fist bump which they could barely manage over the height of the damn thing.

“Don’t get into too much trouble, ya pair of gremlins!” He jokingly called out with a chuckle, as the two carried their bounty of food out into the darkening streets of the warmer than average winter evening.

“Ah,” Saileach gave a masked content sigh, taking in the flickering heat of the setting winter sun, “January embers, eh? Gotta love em!” They expressed their love for warm winter nights, despite the warning they gave of the degrading climate. The heat of summer being their worst nightmare, and the cold of winter turning their sensitive skin into a mass of exposed nerves that couldn’t bare to be touched by even the most delicate of hands, lest said hands wished to be departed from their length appendages.

“Stop quoting IT and lets go,” Damn it, Tara knew her horror, “the others are probably waiting for us at the apartment.” Tara gently grabbed at the Dwarf’s sleeve, and began dragging them down the road to their shared apartment complex.

“Correction, they’re probably waiting for the snacks at the apartment,” They followed the taller girl’s pull, “We’re just the delivery people that drop your pizza off before you tell em to eat shite and keep the change.” They joke with a chuckle, knowing their friends would never treat them that way, nor would they. They had all become something of a family over the past year or so. Their trauma fusing them all together like a fire that welded the metal of a shield piece to piece. They mentally gagged at that thought, knowing damn well if they said it to the group out loud they’d be ragged to hell and back. With love of course.

“Well this delivery girl lives in the apartment their using, and bought the food she’s delivering,” she boasted, gesturing to herself with the bag in her hand.

“What does that make me, then?” Saileach questioned trailing slightly behind the youngest Carpenter. If she was the delivery girl who were you in this metaphorical joke of a scenario that you yourself made up?

“The um…” The girl gave a tsk between her pondering pause, “other delivery person?”

“Slick, love,” You retort, “very slick.” The rest of the walk home was mostly silent, only broken up by mutterings of “go” when the lights signalled that it was okay to cross the busy New York streets. Saileach couldn’t help but think back to the store. Again. Their sickness took over again. This was the third time this month, and they’d only been getting worse. What was the common factor between the incidents? They knew it was jealousy. They were autistic, not stupid. Why, though? And over who? Each incident involved different people. First over their friends, in which Tara herself had to calm them down after Anika and Ethan had gotten involved with everyone. Ironically, after that it was Tara, that incident had been the worst. Until this evening. They mentally tossed it aside, letting it flow away for now like water off a duck’s back. Best not to dwell when tonight was going to be so fun! Right? Little did they know, Tara had been sneaking concerned glances the entire walk over since they had paid for the food. Whether they noticed it or not, she wasn’t sure, but them pausing for a full 5 seconds after she mentioned Sam’s feelings for Danny was kind of hard to miss. She decided to leave it for now, and let the fun of the night roll on.

[At Sam And Tara’s Apartment]

“We’re back!” Saileach chimed, taking the bag off of Tara’s hands and setting it on the coffee table in front of the couches and TV.

“Ayo! Welcome back, party animals!” Chad shouted across the room, quickly jogging over and wrapping an arm around the each of them, a beer in one of his hands. A big cheesy grin on his tipsy face.

“I assume you got the drinks then, big guy.” Saileach planted a supportive hand on the much taller guy’s chest, earning a mildly confused glare from a relaxed Sam, resting an arm over the couch and a beer in her hand too.

“That I did!” He cheered, “Let me get you one!”

“Cheers, that’d be grand,” They agreed, “No beer, though!”

“Welcome back,” she greeted them softly, “How’s Mr Hackett?” She asks, before turning her eyes back to Mindy who had gave a cheer when they came through the door, and had now left Anika’s side and gotten up to go choose the movie they’d start with.

“Uh, he’s good,” Saileach nods in response awkwardly sitting on the same couch she was, but giving her a few feet of space.

“Is that it..?” She turns her gaze to them, her fingers toying with the thread coming loose on the top of the couch.

“Mhm, why?” They got comfortable against the soft cushions resting against their back, Tara doing the same on the floor between the two. Chad came back in with a drink for Saileach and a beer for Tara. “Thanks, Chad.” They muttered, before turning their attention back to Sam.

“You’re not very chatty, you okay?” She asks, trying to hide the genuine worry on her face. The dwarf was usually much more upbeat, but when they came through the door it was like something was plaguing their mind. Did something happen between them leaving the apartment and coming back? It had only been about an hour, but a lot can happen in a few minutes, let alone a full hour, she supposed. Come to think of it, they didn’t see each other when Tara left. Were they this way before that? Did their roommate upset them? God help him if he did.

“I’m fine, just tired from the walk sure,” They just brushed off her concerns. Normally they’d share all their worries with Sam, so why not this? It made her feel as if she had done something wrong, but she wanted Tara’s first time drinking to be fun and not depressing, she owed her sister that much for always being on her back the past year, “I’ll feel better with a few drinks in me!” They chuckled with a soft grin. Fake. So so fake. She could tell.

“Okay!” Mindy shouted out, “Movie time!” She had got the perfect movie for the group to start the night with: A Nightmare On Elm Street. She put the movie on and everyone settled down with their drinks and preferred bowls of snacks.

“Aye, sure, a great movie franchise to watch through before you go to bed. Thanks, Mindy!” Saileach’s sarcasm was like a venom dripping from their accent, their playful smile holding the same effect as the tone of their voice, before they take another swig from their bottle.

“You’re just a coward who can’t handle classic horror, actually, little miss Elevated Horror.” The expert on spooky movies teased. In response, both Tara and Saileach spoke up with the same claim.

“It’s better!”

“Bullshit! Nothing beats the classics!” The night basically continues like this for a while, Tara and Saileach making jabs with Mindy and Ethan defending the classics. Playfully of course.

“Hey, uh, Sail could you quickly grab my phone from my bedroom?” Sam spoke up when the dwarf stood up to grab another bottle from the kitchen, “I think I left it on my bedside table.”

“Yeah, of course!” Their words mildly slurred, being decently far through the drinks and movies by this point. They were onto the third one now.

“Thanks.” Sam turns her attention back to the movie. They walk off down the hallway, reaching the older Carpenter’s door. Sam was usually strict on who could enter, Saileach was just an exception to her rule of “No one in my room unless you’re bleeding or dying.” She of course wasn’t entirely serious, but she liked her privacy. The two had a number of nights where they had slept in her room, usually because the smaller person had nightmares that gave them terrible insomnia, so she allowed it. They walked in, immediately seeing her phone on the beside table where she said it was. They crawled over the bed, reaching across to the wooden table to grab it. The sender down wood of the table was smooth, a turned off lamp resting on its corner. Saileach noticed the small drop pattern of blood that had decorated the wood from a bad cut Sam had gotten making dinner a number of weeks back. At that memory, their lips curl into a small smile, before they walk back in and toss her mobile device into her lap.

“Thanks, again.” She gave a quick smiling glance in appreciation.

“Yeah, no problem…” The last part of their sentence trailed off as they watched Sam open their messages, and the name Danny popped up. The poisonous reminder of the earlier events that night came back into their mind. That nagging feeling of something they cared so deeply about being taken away by another thing they cared about. A glance Sam had sent in the direction of you and Danny’s apartment with a smile on her face made Saileach feel sick. All they could think of was what he was saying to make her smile, while they sat opposite with a drink in their hand, stuck in their own head, and unable to process their own jealousy. Eventually they had enough, and swore to keep it out of their head, and just have fun. At that, they started downing their new bottle of alcohol, getting the attention of the whole room.

“Woah! Take it easy there, dude!” Mindy called out with a laugh. The energy in the room rose more and more over the next hour, the dwarf starting to get into off balanced territory. However, slowly the group started getting concerned. Tara, Sam and Anika most of all because the other three were either too distracted to notice the mess of a person growing in front of them, or they were too drunk. That last one mostly applying to Ethan. Though, eventually even they catch on. It’s clear that Saileach is a bit too drunk, and they start to communicate an agreement to take them to bed.

“Hey, slow down there, champ!” Chad speaks up with a laugh of his own, gently resting his large, warm hand on his friend’s shoulder. They weren’t the closest, but they still cared for each other. Knowing the headache they were gonna have to deal with in the morning, he finally asked them if they wanted to go to bed.

“Nnnnno…I’m fiineee *hic*,” Their soft voice slurred, “I promish!” Which was all they could get out before Tara dragged her small frame from the floor she had previously been resting on, wobbling slightly on her own feet, having taken two beers of her own.

“I’ll take them to bed,” She gently reached her arms out to take Saileach’s hands in her own, “C’mon, Sail, lets head to bed.” They yanked their hands away, going to take a triumphant swig.

“I. Am. Fineeee-,” they whined before they got cut off by Sam swiftly removing the glass from their weak grip, placing it on the table and wrapping her strong arms around their waist. Before anyone could react, least of all Saileach, they were tossed over her shoulder, embraced in her muscles and scent, her firm palms resting under their thighs, leaving them muttering into the crook of her neck in protest. The feeble attempts they made to wriggle free falling on deaf ears and a strong grip.

“Night, Saileach!” They all drew out in a sweet bid goodnight to the mumbling ball in Sam’s arms.

“Nooo!” They whined. A pained look of apology grew across Tara’s face with a somber smile.

“Stop wriggling!” Sam didn’t feel like carrying this tenacious drunken mess all the way to their own apartment, so she feigned reluctance in bringing them to her own bed. She dropped them onto the soft river of bed sheets messily, nearly falling over herself and landing on them, leaving their warm, flushed faces inches away from each other. A pout pursing on Saileach’s lips, their eyes finding it hard to not dart around the firm features of Sam’s face. Eyes, lips, skin creases, eyelashes, back again.

“You *hic*…” The two leaned slightly closer, warm breath ticking each other’s lips, “you shtole…my alcohol!” They pouted with a soft and empty glare. Sam immediately stood herself back up, rolling her eyes at the small frame barely taking up half the length of her bed.

“Why are you being so difficult tonight?” She reached into her drawers and pulled out a loose top, a tank top, and two pairs of shorts. Tossing the blankets over Saileach’s eyes, she very quickly changed into her night clothes, then started to help them changed into the loose top and pair of shorts she had grabbed. They eventually flopped back onto the bed when Sam had grabbed some water and practically forced it down their throat. After saying goodnight to the others, she turned her attention back to the bed in front of her, and climbed in.

“Fu- *hic* Danny…” They mutter under their breath, fading in and out of consciousness. Sam felt a familiar anger rising in her core. The heat in her stomach making her feel sick. Really? Now she had to compete with that? At this hour of all things? She was too tired to be angry at anyone. She could only gently reach over to the sleeping mess in their drunken stupor, brushing the soft, fluffy curls of their raven black hair from their flushed face. With a sigh, she sheltered the dwarf in her firm embrace.

“Goodnight, Sail…” She muttered under her breath, “I promise to look after you tomorrow.” The older Carpenter let her eyes flutter closed, drifting off into darkness herself.

#Sam carpenter x reader #oc fic #self insert #self ship #sam carpenter x y/n #reader is trans #has dwarfism #and is autistic #sam carpenter #self shipping #scream 6 #chad meeks martin #mindy meeks martin #ethan landry #anika kayoko #tara carpenter #ghostface!reader #ghostface!sam

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autumntouched · 10 months

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Remember the Hangman and Phoenix competing for fem!reader fic? Welp, back with more…

@sylviebell @melodiousoblivionao3

I Can Take You Home

“Another drink?” Hangman offers, gesturing to your empty glass. You’ve been tucked into a corner of your friend’s wedding laughing with him longer than you realized. He’s looking a little smug to have monopolized your attention so easily, but you can’t resist a pair of green eyes and a cocky grin.

“You know offering a girl another drink you’re not paying for doesn’t say much,” you tell him to take back some of the upper hand.

His eyes spark with the challenge. “So what does it take to impress you? You’ve already got half the room swarming you for a dance.”

You smirk, a little proud of that. If he only knew you’re not usually the center of attention the way you’ve been here. Arching an eyebrow, you get to your feet. “Isn’t that for you to figure out? Are we getting those drinks?”

It’s the right thing to say to a man you’ve already figured out would be competitive about who ties their shoe faster. Smoothing your gown on the way to the bar gives you an excuse to draw his attention to the way it hugs your ass perfectly.

People have told you there’s something intriguing about your gaze. They can feel you looking at them. But you’re well aware sticking to the basics can be just as effective.

As soon as you’re clear of the narrow pathways between the tables and chairs, he lays claim to your waist. You don’t mind. You’ve scoped the room, and you’re happy hooking this fish.

You’re looking up at him to call out his hand on your hip when you spot her. You can feel her eyes following every curve of your body down to the peak of your toes from the hem of your gown as you walk.

And you’re distracted from whatever Hangman is saying. Because she’s breathtaking in a gown that floats elegantly around her and tantalizingly exposes just enough of the perfect, delicate globes of her breasts to make you crave more.

Your eyes travel back to hers, and she gives you a sweet half smile of acknowledgment. She’s caught you looking and wants to know what you think. You bite your lip.

“Everything okay down there?” Hangman breaks through your daze.

You’re still trying to pull your brain together when you notice her set down her empty glass and start to glide your way. There’s something commanding in the way she walks. The world’s royals could learn a thing or two from the way her presence slows everything around her.

“Hangman,” she says, just loud enough to call his attention without drawing other people’s. Her voice plays its way all the way down your spine in a shiver.

“Phoenix,” he says, the undercurrent of friendly sarcasm in his voice as hot as her name. Phoenix. That’s exactly what she looks like, a mythical creature called from the flames.

You only half realize that you step forward so his hand falls from your waist. She turns her full attention on you, and you feel your heart thrumming to the siren call of her dark eyes. “Is this your plus one?” Phoenix asks, though the tuck of amusement in the corners of her expressive lips say she already knows the answer to that.

“We just met,” spills out of your mouth before you realize the question wasn’t meant for you. But it seems to be all the answer she needs. Something mischievous unfolds in the creases of her face.

Hangman doesn’t seem to notice. “She’s a friend of the groom’s. We were on our way to get another drink.”

“They taste so good, don’t they?” Phoenix says. Her faintly glossed lips must taste so good.

“So good,” you agree dumbly. You nearly jump when Hangman’s hand slides around your waist again, and this time you’re self-conscious about it.

Phoenix’s eyes flick down to the motion then back to your face. “Sorry, didn’t mean to hold you up,” she says to Hangman. Then to you, “I love that dress on you.”

She daintily lifts her gorgeously expansive burgundy skirt with a small wave and floats away. You have to remind yourself not to follow her over your shoulder. “You know her?” you ask to keep your attention on Hangman.

“One of the Navy’s best pilots,” he says, “but she doesn’t need to know I think that.” You let him guide you to the bar, but your mind is on whispering that little secret into her ear as your mouth traces the soft curve of her jaw.

While Hangman orders your drinks, you scan the crowd for her. She’s on the dance floor, swaying to the music with her dark gaze trained on you. Your move her smile says.

Hangman touches your arm and slides the stem of your wine glass into your fingers. “Ready to hit the dance floor?” Many guys are intimidated by the prospect, but to his credit, he sounds eager. With Phoenix watching your lips and him watching your neck, you take your first sip of wine.

“Let’s show ‘em how it’s done,” you agree and take another sip for Phoenix’s benefit.

He’s a good dancer. Not only does he have rhythm, he spins you without ever losing track of which hand is holding your wine. He dances close, filling your nose with the delicious scent of his cologne. You can’t get enough of it. Your hips move in sync to a banger you danced to in middle school.

A chuckle interrupts. “There’s no prize for best dancers. You don’t have to show off so hard.” It’s Phoenix.

“Can’t help what comes naturally,” he smirks, but he reaches out to take your hip and draws you closer.

“You wouldn’t look half so good without me,” you counter with a laugh and turn in his loose hold so you’re facing Phoenix. “Are you coming over to show off too?”

Phoenix’s eyes dart above your head, and Hangman presses his chest to your back. His hand slides lower and tighter over your pelvis. It’s only then that you also realize he’s just an option and your other one might be standing right in front of you, an invitation in the lift of her lips.

A light of triumph flashes through her gaze, and she lifts her arms in the air and yeah, you immediately imagine her stretched out beneath you but without the narrow bands of fabric covering her chest. And that leads to your fingers flexing with the anticipation of loosening the tape holding the cloth in place and sliding her dress off her shoulder, watching it fall around her waist as her arms come out to circle your shoulders. The softness of your chests pressing together as your lips finally meet, her tongue as teasing as the lilt of her voice.

You turn to Hangman and hold up your drink. “Can you hold this for me? I have to go to the bathroom real quick.” Watching Phoenix, he takes your glass and presses a stomach-dropping kiss on the place where your ear meets your jaw.

“Don’t get lost,” he warns.

“I’ll try not to if you try not to forget about me while I’m gone.”

Reluctantly, he releases you. Phoenix raises an eyebrow.

“Bathroom,” you tell her.

“I’ll help you with your dress.”

You barely manage to keep your pace even as you feel her follow you out.

#phoenix fics #natasha phoenix trace #natasha trace fic #jake hangman seresin #fem!reader #Natasha trace x fem!reader

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the-chronicle-of-holy-days · 2 months

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Day 11

Liber Libræ

0. Learn first — Oh thou who aspirest unto our ancient Order! — that Equilibrium is the basis of the Work. If thou thyself hast not a sure foundation, whereon wilt thou stand to direct the forces of Nature?

1. Know then, that as man is born into this world amidst the Darkness of Matter, and the strife of contending forces; so must his first endeavour be to seek the Light through their reconciliation.

2. Thou then, who hast trials and troubles, rejoice because of them, for in them is Strength, and by their means is a pathway opened unto that Light.

3. How should it be otherwise, O man, whose life is but a day in Eternity, a drop in the Ocean of time; how, were thy trials not many, couldst thou purge thy soul from the dross of earth?

Is it but now that the Higher Life is beset with dangers and difficulties; hath it not ever been so with the Sages and Hierophants of the past? They have been persecuted and reviled, they have been tormented of men; yet through this also has their Glory increased.

4. Rejoice therefore, O Initiate, for the greater thy trial the greater thy Triumph. When men shall revile thee, and speak against thee falsely, hath not the Master said, “Blessed art thou!”?

5. Yet, oh aspirant, let thy victories bring thee not Vanity, for with increase of Knowledge should come increase of Wisdom. He who knoweth little, thinketh he knoweth much; but he who knoweth much hath learned his own ignorance. Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool, than of him.

6. Be not hasty to condemn others; how knowest thou that in their place, thou couldest have resisted the temptation? And even were it so, why shouldst thou despise one who is weaker than thyself?

7. Thou therefore who desirest Magical Gifts, be sure that thy soul is firm and steadfast; for it is by flattering thy weaknesses that the Weak Ones will gain power over thee. Humble thyself before thy Self, yet fear neither man nor spirit. Fear is failure, and the forerunner of failure: and courage is the beginning of virtue.

8. Therefore fear not the Spirits, but be firm and courteous with them; for thou hast no right to despise or revile them; and this too may lead thee astray. Command and banish them, curse them by the Great Names if need be; but neither mock nor revile them, for so assuredly wilt thou be lead into error.

9. A man is what he maketh himself within the limits fixed by his inherited destiny; he is a part of mankind; his actions affect not only what he calleth himself, but also the whole universe.

10. Worship and neglect not, the physical body which is thy temporary connection with the outer and material world. Therefore let thy mental Equilibrium be above disturbance by material events; strengthen and control the animal passions, discipline the emotions and the reason, nourish the Higher Aspirations.

11. Do good unto others for its own sake, not for reward, not for gratitude from them, not for sympathy. If thou art generous, thou wilt not long for thine ears to be tickled by expressions of gratitude.

12. Remember that unbalanced force is evil; that unbalanced severity is but cruelty and oppression; but that also unbalanced mercy is but weakness which would allow and abet Evil. Act passionately; think rationally; be Thyself.

13. True ritual is as much action as word; it is Will.

14. Remember that this earth is but an atom in the universe, and that thou thyself art but an atom thereon, and that even couldst thou become the God of this earth whereon thou crawlest and grovellest, that thou wouldest, even then, be but an atom, and one amongst many.

15. Nevertheless have the greatest self-respect, and to that end sin not against thyself. The sin which is unpardonable is knowingly and wilfully to reject truth, to fear knowledge lest that knowledge pander not to thy prejudices.

16. To obtain Magical Power, learn to control thought; admit only those ideas that are in harmony with the end desired, and not every stray and contradictory Idea that presents itself.

17. Fixed thought is a means to an end. Therefore pay attention to the power of silent thought and meditation. The material act is but the outward expression of thy thought, and therefore hath it been said that “the thought of foolishness is sin.” Thought is the commencement of action, and if a chance thought can produce much effect, what cannot fixed thought do?

18. Therefore, as hath already been said, Establish thyself firmly in the equilibrium of forces, in the centre of the Cross of the Elements, that Cross from whose centre the Creative Word issued in the birth of the Dawning Universe.

19. Be thou therefore prompt and active as the Sylphs, but avoid frivolity and caprice; be energetic and strong like the Salamanders, but avoid irritability and ferocity; be flexible and attentive to images like the Undines, but avoid idleness and changeability; be laborious and patient like the Gnomes, but avoid grossness and avarice.

20. So shalt thou gradually develop the powers of thy soul, and fit thyself to command the Spirits of the elements. For wert thou to summon the Gnomes to pander to thine avarice, thou wouldst no longer command them, but they would command thee. Wouldst thou abuse the pure beings of the woods and mountains to fill thy coffers and satisfy thy hunger of Gold? Wouldst thou debase the Spirits of Living Fire to serve thy wrath and hatred? Wouldst thou violate the purity of the Souls of the Waters to pander to thy lust of debauchery? Wouldst thou force the Spirits of the Evening Breeze to minister to thy folly and caprice? Know that with such desires thou canst but attract the Weak, not the Strong, and in that case the Weak will have power over thee.

21. In the true religion there is no sect, therefore take heed that thou blaspheme not the name by which another knoweth his God; for if thou do this thing in Jupiter thou wilt blaspheme יהוה and in Osiris יהשוה. Ask and ye shall have! Seek, and ye shall find! Knock, and it shall be opened unto you!

#thelema #thelemic holy season #argentum astrum #holy days #silver star #tarot #adjustment #justice tarot #maat

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hologramcowboy · 2 years

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Hi HC. I just read your lovely answer to the anon asking what question you would ask Jensen. I was struck by this part: “Which is why I am a strong believer in getting into a charismatic state by focusing on the appreciation you feel because, like I wrote above, people can sense it strongly and it will draw those who resonate right to you.” This lead to a non-Jensen related question. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself lately, addressing my issues, leveling up internally, etc. and your comment really resonated with me. Would you elaborate on it? Do you use self talk to reach that state or meditation? I’m sure it gets easier as you do it, but as a beginner, I’d love to hear your input. Thanks for sharing!

What a beautiful, beautiful question. Thank you for sharing a bit about your journey, sounds like you are leveling up and I'm loving it. I am humbled by your ask and will try to share some of what has worked for me. For those who want context for this ask, here's a link to the post the Anon is referring to. When it comes to Appreciation, it's one of the fastest and most powerful ways to step into a charismatic state, the way you practice it is highly personal but, like you noted, the more you practice it the more those neural pathways become stronger and the easier it will be to access that state. I use lists, meditation, visualization, even musical playlists. If I know I’m about to meet someone that is highly important to me I always take the time to tune in to the energy of them and all the things I adore about them. This may sound woo woo but it’s actually extremely practical because by reminding myself why I appreciate this person, why I value them I also tune in to what I want to express, what experiences would fit us and other aspects that bring about inspiration and allow me to speak from the heart. If let's say you meet someone by surprise you can still totally do this quickly in your mind, focus and tune in to how you feel about them and let those emotions emerge. Self Belief - I've written before about how self image is key. To have a charismatic presence one has to be in harmony with themselves and believe they are worthy of whatever it is they are going for. If you can't view yourself positively then try viewing yourself through a person that loves you's eyes. Imagine what they would say about you and step into that. Imagination - Your inner talk about someone is later revealed by tensions in your body language around them so ensure you practice your inner self talk towards them in constructive ways. Goes without saying but inner self talk towards your self also needs to be healthy and empowering, especially if you want to be charismatic. Presence - I would say the biggest thing is presence, because when you engage people while fully present they will feel like the only person in the world in those moments. To be present you need to release worries, fears, monkey mind and ground yourself in your current experience to be able to listen charismatically to the person speaking. This means priming your mind for the upcoming interaction by taking a moment to use any exercise that helps you become present. Because any stress you feel will be revealed in your body language and you will send out the wrong message, if you are not careful. Depending on what works for you, that might mean doing a grounding exercises, taking a few deep breaths, meditating, maybe grooming a special way if the occasion requires it, whatever helps you step into a relaxed, resourceful state, a Peak State. Vulnerability - It's so powerful. Share a few things about yourself that allow others to connect to you. Compliments - Express something you genuinely love about someone because it allows you to connect to them and most importantly, learn how to take compliments instead of dismissing them. Denying or minimizing the person's compliment towards you is like refusing a gift. When you do compliment, always clearly explain why you love what you love about them. Warmth – People decide if they trust you in the first milliseconds they meet you. Which is why your micro-expressions and body language are highly important, that’s a more scientific way of saying your energy speaks for you when you walk into a room so approach people with warmth and good intentions. Important note: I do mean genuine warmth, never force yourself because people will always feel the dissonance. The way you approach someone is key, people sense ulterior motives so make sure you are coming from a pure place.

Focus - It's very important to know who you are, what you want and how you feel about things because it allows you to tap into key emotions and communicate effectively. Especially in high stakes situations. So define your objectives clearly. „If you fail to plan, you plan to fail” Yes, I just went there. So consciously design your experience by asking yourself empowering questions like "How can I make the most of this experience?", "What do I bring to the table in this situation?", "How can I most effectively communicate appreciation?", "What could I add to this person's experience that will enrich this moment?" Balancing Perceptions – This is for those cases where, let’s say, someone makes you feels extremely nervous because you place them on an impossibly high pedestal, to avoid freezing or reacting in weird ways, it’s really important to rebalance those perceptions by asking yourself what it is that most floors you about that person, which specific qualities you hold them on a pedestal for and then genuinely asking yourself „Where do I demonstrate these same traits?” I’ve written about this before and as silly as it seems it’s actually and extraordinary exercise because it helps people own traits they are in denial about and therefore their perception of the people around them shifts and they can then appreciate them from the heart with gratitude as opposed to out of overwhelming infatuation or other emotions that might be hindering their own self expression. Self Care - Make sure your needs are fully met before stepping into an important situation because even things such as being hungry, wearing something uncomfortable, etc can affect your demeanor and body language. If, for whatever reason, whatever is making you feel uncomfortable is out of control, to avoid from people noticing it on their own and assuming other bad things instead just let them know that you are feeling discomfort over X so that's why you are a little off. People will then accommodate you. It's perfectly okay to come in and say "Hey guys, I apologize but I am having an off day and I need some space".

Gratitude - I've mentioned this on this blog before but Gratitude is a really healthy way to shift perspectives, whether express aloud, written, visualized or meditated upon. If you feel yourself falling into nervousness switch to reminding yourself of why you are grateful about the experience, the people involved, the opportunities or if you are in a particular heavy situation just tune in unrelated things you feel deeply grateful for. Especially if rendered fully practical, for example, actually telling someone why and how they impacted you is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give them. Cognitive Reappraisal -During key moments it's very important to find ways to view things from empowering perspectives because it allows you to stay in a resourceful mind state. Some of these will make me sound like a broken record because I've already written about them in the past but I find them highly effective. Outside of this blog where I express dissent over some things, I actually practice harmony religiously and focus on tuning in to the best of whatever I am experiencing so appreciation is my most favorite practice in this Universe, which is why I love learning about other people's experience with it so if anyone has any other pointers and experiences to share please send them in. Sorry this got way too long but as I kept thinking more things came to mind. To summarize, to get into a charismatic state you need a combination of self belief, authenticity, presence and warmth, when you take that heartfelt appreciation and direct it at an object of attention it can be a very powerful, bonding experience. It already sounds like you are on a very healthy track so thank you for being vulnerable and sharing all of that because you never know who it might inspire. 💕

#charismatic mind states #appreciation #love my anons #hologram cowboy #hologramcowboy

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angria · 1 year

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Yesterday's session was a scrambled mess. I can't tell if I was dissociated, but I was trying to curl into myself and hide. Anytime T brings up self-compassion, I immediately shut down.

After he read my diary cards, he asked where I wanted to start. Looking down, I said I was anxious to come to session. He chuckled and said, "Why, because I'm such a scary T?" I shook my head and told him I didn't want to feel disconnected again, especially since this was the first in-person session in two weeks. He asked what would happen if I did feel disconnected? I kind of stared at him incredulous. Like what the fuck do you think?? Still, he waited for my answer. Somewhat dodging it, I said I'm selfish and feel guilty for being dysregulated when he's human and will have off days.

Of course, T jumped on my self-blame, saying what is wrong with feeling anxious about being disconnected. That is how I feel and those are the emotions that come up when the abandonment is triggered. Which is when he started to bring up the self-compassion. He asked why he would be pointing that out. Squirming, I didn’t want to say it, even though I knew the answer. Because it’s not my fault I got activated and there is nothing wrong with having emotions. Somehow managed to say it after a bit. Nodding, T continued and asked how I could shift my reaction from self-blame to self-compassion. My face must have twisted because he pointed out my expression every time he said “compassion.” I just hate that word. And didn’t consciously know why until he said that he knows I don’t like it when he uses the term because I associate it with being alone and taking care of myself alone. Which makes sense and I never really made that connection before.

That is when I started to curl into myself. Because I knew he would continue to push the compassion piece and ask what are some ways I can show myself compassion when the abandonment trigger is activated instead of blaming myself for having that specific reaction. I said that means I’m alone. T's response was that there are times we are alone and need to care for ourselves. Which I did not want to hear, even though I knew he was right. I don’t know how to separate compassion from the fear of taking care of myself alone. It’s already bad enough when the abandonment trigger happens. Then I’m supposed to show myself compassion alone when I’m already feeling horribly alone?? How the fuck is that supposed to work?

I didn’t say anything, barely responding to him already. We moved onto coping skills and examples of self-care. T said he knows I do use my skills and have difficulty practicing them when they don’t seem to “work” immediately, but I still need to do them to shift those neural pathways. The compassion and self-care will become easier to practice over time. I may still go to the self-blame, but it will become easier to redirect my thoughts to compassion. Again, didn’t want to hear that, even though again I knew he was right. Almost like I don’t want to give up the self-blame/feels safer. I don’t know…probably ties back to the alone fear.

It was just a lot about abandonment and compassion…I know I need to do it, but there is too much fear. I can’t go back to being alone, taking care of myself alone. Although, as I’m writing, I remember a session a couple months ago about how I will never be that child again, alone and abandoned. Can’t even go there right now…

#cptsd #bpd #therapy #triggers #abandonment #self compassion #terrified to be alone #nothing is safe #disordered attachment #angriadm

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planetarybound · 1 year

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Psychedelics Open Your Brain. You Might Not Like What Falls In.

Reshaping your mind isn’t always a great idea.By Richard A. Friedman

February 1, 2023, 11:26 AM ET

If you’ve ever been to London, you know that navigating its wobbly grid, riddled with curves and dead-end streets, requires impressive spatial memory. Driving around London is so demanding, in fact, that in 2006 researchers found that it was linked with changes in the brains of the city’s cab drivers: Compared with Londoners who drove fixed routes, cabbies had a larger volume of gray matter in the hippocampus, a brain region crucial to forming spatial memory. The longer the cab driver’s tenure, the greater the effect.

The study is a particularly evocative demonstration of neuroplasticity: the human brain’s innate ability to change in response to environmental input (in this case, the spatially demanding task of driving a cab all over London). That hard-won neuroplasticity required years of mental and physical practice. Wouldn’t it be nice to get the same effects without so much work?

To hear some people tell it, you can: Psychedelic drugs such as psilocybin, LSD, ayahuasca, and Ecstasy, along with anesthetics such as ketamine, can enhance a user’s neuroplasticity within hours of administration. In fact, some users take psychedelics for the express purpose of making their brain a little more malleable. Just drop some acid, the thinking goes, and your brain will rewire itself—you’ll be smarter, fitter, more creative, and self-aware. You might even get a transcendent experience. Popular media abound with anecdotes suggesting that microdosing LSD or psilocybin can expand divergent thinking, a more free and associative type of thinking that some psychologists link with creativity.

Read: Here’s what happens when a few dozen people take small doses of psychedelics

Research suggests that psychedelic-induced neuroplasticity can indeed enhance specific types of learning, particularly in terms of overcoming fear and anxiety associated with past trauma. But claims about the transformative, brain-enhancing effects of psychedelics are, for the most part, overstated. We don’t really know yet how much microdosing, or a full-blown trip, will change the average person’s mental circuitry. And there’s reason to suspect that, for some people, such changes may be actively harmful.

There is nothing new about the notion that the human and animal brain are pliant in response to everyday experience and injury. The philosopher and psychologist William James is said to have first used the term plasticity back in 1890 to describe changes in neural pathways that are linked to the formation of habits. Now we understand that these changes take place not only between neurons but also within them: Individual cells are capable of sprouting new connections and reorganizing in response to all kinds of experiences. Essentially, this is a neural response to learning, which psychedelics can rev up.

We also understand how potent psychedelic drugs can be in inducing changes to the brain. Injecting psilocybin into a mouse can stimulate neurons in the frontal cortex to grow by about 10 percent and sprout new spines, projections that foster connections to other neurons. It also alleviated their stress-related behaviors—effects that persisted for more than a month, indicating enduring structural change linked with learning. Presumably, a similar effect takes place in humans. (Comparable studies on humans would be impossible to conduct, because investigating changes in a single neuron would require, well, sacrificing the subject.)

The thing is, all those changes aren’t necessarily all good. Neuroplasticity just means that your brain—and your mind—is put into a state where it is more easily influenced. The effect is a bit like putting a glass vase back into the kiln, which makes it pliable and easy to reshape. Of course you can make the vase more functional and beautiful, but you might also turn it into a mess. Above all else, psychedelics make us exquisitely impressionable, thanks to their speed of action and magnitude of effect, though their ultimate effect is still heavily dependent on context and influence.

Read: A new chapter in the science of psychedelic microdosing

We have all experienced heightened neuroplasticity during the so-called sensitive periods of brain development, which typically unfold between the ages of 1 and 4 when the brain is uniquely responsive to environmental input. This helps explain why kids effortlessly learn all kinds of things, like how to ski or speak a new language. But even in childhood, you don’t acquire your knowledge and skills by magic; you have to do something in a stimulating enough environment to leverage this neuroplastic state. If you have the misfortune of being neglected or abused during your brain’s sensitive periods, the effects are likely to be adverse and enduring—probably more so than if the same events happened later in life.

Being in a neuroplastic state enhances our ability to learn, but it might also burn in negative or traumatic experiences—or memories—if you happen to have them while taking a psychedelic. Last year, a patient of mine, a woman in her early 50s, decided to try psilocybin with a friend. The experience was quite pleasurable until she started to recall memories of her emotionally abusive father, who had an alcohol addiction. In the weeks following her psilocybin exposure, she had vivid and painful recollections of her childhood, which precipitated an acute depression.

Her experience might have been very different—perhaps even positive—if she’d had a guide or therapist with her while she was tripping to help her reappraise these memories and make them less toxic. But without a mediating positive influence, she was left to the mercy of her imagination. This must have been just the sort of situation legislators in Oregon had in mind last month when they legalized recreational psilocybin use, but only in conjunction with a licensed guide. It’s the right idea.

Read: What it’s like to trip on the most potent magic mushroom

In truth, researchers and clinicians haven’t a clue whether people who microdose frequently with psychedelics—and are thus walking around in a state of enhanced neuroplasticity—are more vulnerable to the encoding of traumatic events. In order to find out, you would have to compare a group of people who microdose against a group of people who don’t over a period of time and see, for example, if they differ in rates of PTSD. Crucially, you’d have to randomly assign people to either microdose or abstain—not simply let them pick whether they want to try tripping. In the absence of such a study, we are all currently involved in a large, uncontrolled social experiment. The results will inevitably be messy and inconclusive.

Even if opening your brain to change were all to the good, the promise of neuroplasticity without limit—that you can rejuvenate and remodel the brain at any age—far exceeds scientific evidence. Despite claims to the contrary, each of us has an upper limit to how malleable we can make our brain. The sensitive periods, when we hit our maximum plasticity, is a finite window of opportunity that slams shut as the brain matures. We progressively lose neuroplasticity as we age. Of course we can continue to learn—it just takes more effort than when we were young. Part of this change is structural: At 75, your hippocampus contains neurons that are a lot less connected to one another than they were at 25. That’s one of the major reasons older people find that their memory is not as sharp as it used to be. You may enhance those connections slightly with a dose of psilocybin, but you simply can’t make your brain behave as if it’s five decades younger.

Read: What it’s like to get worse at something

This reality has never stopped a highly profitable industry from catering to people’s anxieties and hopes—especially seniors’. You don’t have to search long online before you find all kinds of supplements claiming to keep your brain young and sharp. Brain-training programs go even further, purporting to rewire your brain and boost your cognition (sound familiar?), when in reality the benefits are very modest, and limited to whatever cognitive task you’ve practiced. Memorizing a string of numbers will make you better at memorizing numbers; it won’t transfer to another skill and make you better at, say, chess.

We lose neuroplasticity as we age for good reason. To retain our experience, we don’t want our brain to rewire itself too much. Yes, we lose cognitive fluidity along the way, but we gain knowledge too. That’s not a bad trade-off. After all, it’s probably more valuable to an adult to be able to use all of their accumulated knowledge than to be able to solve a novel mathematical problem or learn a new skill. More important, our very identity is encoded in our neural architecture—something we wouldn’t want to tinker with lightly.

At their best, psychedelics and other neuroplasticity-enhancing drugs can do some wonderful things, such as speed up the treatment of depression, quell anxiety in terminally ill patients, and alleviate the worst symptoms of PTSD. That’s enough reason to research their uses and let patients know psychedelics are an option for psychiatric treatment when the evidence supports it. But limitless drug-induced self-enhancement is simply an illusion.

#psychedelics research #psychedelic therapy #psychedelic trip #microdosing #neuroplasticity

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jonathankatwhatever · 1 day

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Okay, it’s 31 May 2024 and I want to get this Galois stuff out of the way. BTW, why when I read the words do they not follow the melody without the music. I mean the punctuation. That stuff drives me crazy. I know that’s it’s a manifestation of the inherent bipolarity of everyday existence. The difficulty in expression is right in front of me, so I’ll try to get it out. The bipolarity of existence transforming into expression is a step from an End to a Between in which criticism of the pathways across to the other End can dominate or distract, like stops along an odyssey can entice or repel or both.

I would represent each stop as a finite field composed thus of a factorization into gsPrimes. The next step is cool: if you choose to stay in that finite field, then you leave the Observer, like you’ve died, which is how that incorporates the Penelope in a prime. What a beautiful thought: primes are Pennys because Penelope would only know you’re gone. You are no longer in that story.

This is what life is like: one way of expressing existence is that each of our lives is unique and thus factorable, and our stories all follow the rules, can only fit together in so many ways, so our pathways are constrained as tangible objects. I keep hearing lines about eternal beauty versus physical beauty, but I need to see a connector between tObjects and iObjects.

Look at definitions. A tObject is a Thing with a Boundary in [D3-4], meaning it physically exists within regular space. I tried to say every rotation within regular space, but that isn’t true because some physical things can barely be detected and others are only detected at long intervals. I’d rather use the colloquial regular space when we know we mean [D3-4] as shorthand for not only Euclidean space and space-time but also the I//I processes by which D-structure generates these.

A Thing with a Boundary means we Attach or count layers which identify that Thing. This models as a Boundary inside which there is a tObject and an iObject. Remember, we’re collecting these Objects to ideal sizes to fit. We can go so far as to say this represents within the concept of cosets: the nature of the 1-0Segmenting which manifests as cosets would generate a polarity of tObject and iObject, so the mass would be at one End attached over the pole and through gsProcess to its intangible End. And vice versa.

A Boundary is thus what appears in each relation, so memory creates a Boundary which others encounter, same as with a path through a meadow. And thus a clear Boundary is death.

That leads to the idea we die each day, each night when we sleep, and a new one of us comes forth each day. Choose the best version of yourself today. The math of that is the intangible self can heal you if you let yourself hear it. That doesn’t sound like math, does it? But it is, and that’s my issue with how Jo works: she sees and accepts those connections are math because she sees it as variance within the relationship between the intangible self, modeled as one End, and the tangible self, modeled as another, located with the same physical being because they manifest the inherent polarity and duality of 2:1, meaning the persistence of Triangular within gsSpace. Think of an End that has a pole inside, a diameter. It’s not that one side presents while the other is hidden, but that one draws a picture which is also drawn on the invisible side through the diameter and that the invisible side draws a picture on the visible side which fits with the picture drawn there by the physical End. Thus one can look one way, act another, have a list of varying gender characteristics or handedness or other choices. Sleight of hand. Being a good performer. Being yourself in different circumstances.

I need to take a break. A saw has been running next door for the last half hour.

I’m seeing Galois now. My understandings about it have merged, old and whatever you call now other than new. I think it’s the Jewish concept of teshuvah, or return. A boomerang is a form.

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blackvahana · 27 days

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Book of Active Eyes I

The book thrown into the gas giant was a book of… It’s hard to explain. I want to summarise it as “a book detailing my abilities” but it isn’t that. “A book of my (active) eyes” is so much more accurate, but it’s still missing a huge chunk of what it actually is. It’s not just a cataloguing! I mean, really, at the end of the day even I don’t still get entirely what it is, probably because I won’t admit I’ve made it. That, and also it’s supposed to be obscure. This isn’t something that’s supposed to be generally readable, it’s a set of keyholes to which I need each individual key to unlock. It is ultimately nothing, huge swathes of white paper with arcane black lines in it. It’s subjective nothingness and arbitrary self-cohesion by design, like the gas orbits itself in a gas giant.

I’m probably going to end up keeping this in the Unmade, or at least making it Mental, tied to my brain and territory there alone. For now though… Anyway. It's effectively a book on personal abilities, with... i won't say a lean towards offence, really it's just that this stuff can be used for that.

I’ve been finding as I'm reading through that my fighting style is so much more internal than I was expecting - in the way that now I don’t know why I was expecting different. Of course this is it. It's entering, taking apart. My energy is strung between the Omnipresent In-Between and the God Splitter, of course how I act should be an extension of that.

There’s so much here that details various ways of taking things apart, various pathways through people’s aspects and bodies. Things that can be split, boundaries that don’t exist, keys to various gateways whether that’s mind, mindsets, parts of the personality, energy bodies - oh, energy bodies… "Energy bodies" is so vague compared to what's written here, there's details on energy patterns, pathways energies take, currents, the weak spots in them (think: between the molecules of a river)… The various states of consciousness in energy bodies, the "muscles" and building of organ-esque gatherings/knots, the flare outs, the vulnerable parts - here's something that's divorced from offence, there's stuff about building energy shells and armour though it's based in penetrative possession of the core body's soul and consciousness in order to make it build them itself, sort of like genetically altering a fish on the fly to make it have alligator scales.

There’s also a bunch of shit on eyes. Perception, the means of perception, hallucinations as worming a million things between moments and sensory input (things include suggestion, mirror reflections of the self, different energies as messengers carrying suggestion that fill in blanks, broken mirror shards of past memories, and a bunch of other reflective stuff)… Redirection, manipulating the emotions of the self (think: more detailed/specific-targeted Fear spells in the Elder Scrolls). Basically, ways of entering someone else's "mind". Endless pathways inwards to reorient and control the expressions and even the thing itself.

There’s also a lot in here about fake memories, rewriting the personality, most of which would ideally be temporary… But the uses in fights would definitely be changing people into cowards for the most part. It’s like internal eye spots! Except I guess it’s writing the biology of something not usually afraid of eye spots to be afraid of them temporarily, and then… Projecting eye spots into their psyche - not even on to their eyes, but the experience of being thrown against them in between the fabric of their skin and cells so that the eye spots can’t really be fleed from, the eye spots are very much inside them.

There’s also a lot of conjuration which I was not expecting. Masses of abyssal tendrils, the impulses of the abyss itself. This is something I’m so skeptical about so it’s hard to channel, but… You ever see those masses of DNA strings in that experiment to bring them out? Adding a bunch of chemicals and mashed up fruit pulp or whatever to a jar to string together its DNA? Yeah, like that but with consciousness itself writhing in the abyss, "dead" "fish" or more like unborn babies who can't be born, clumping them together temporarily. Big black birds that’re barely birds, Void creatures in general… I’ll come back to it, I’m not receptive to it right now. I might just need to press post on this though and then write lmfao.

What else… Definitely some cataloguing of various tools and weapons. Slicing, reordering… There’s a staff here that’s very, like the weaponry here is, hypothetical? But it also makes me think that this book is a part one of abilities I need to, you know, shlorp, take into me and use not so much as a literal checklist of a to do list but as a… well. anyway

The staff seems to be about pushing, which is fascinating. Time and Space are aspects woven into me, this is about expanding space between things and "pushing" things away that way. The staff is a ruler, the ruler defines space and time, the opponent becomes small... It's more than that though except it knows I'm not taking it seriously already so it doesn't care to tell me (I am the staff. I'm not taking myself seriously. It's made of crow leg bones though - big crow not small crows)

#tool: book of active eyes I //#ramblings //#astral diary //#astral creation //

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angelicheather44 · 2 months

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"ROOTS" Author- Heather Climer

What do you think of when you hear the word roots? Do you ever feel rootless?

This word has many meanings and significance in various contexts. Let's look at a couple of examples. "The root causes" of worldly issues. In spirituality "to root out evil". So, it Let's us know not only about our ancestors but ourselves. Let's look at an example of botanical roots and their significance. Roots are normally the source of nourishment for nature, sourcing our plants and trees while promoting growth as they grow stronger. Roots help trees to communicate with one another, join together with fungal filaments to create a pathway of exchange of nutrients to encourage the other if it's under the weather. We as people need roots to feel mentally and physically nourished. We all would like to rely on a network or group of people when we feel the need to communicate and share.

The roots of this tree triggered a line of thinking that we all need roots. We all have roots. God said people need people like the sunflower needs another sunflower. Roots keep us grounded. People who tend to isolate, who are introverted, natural loner, or who are lonely have times where they want to be seen and heard. The tree can't uproot itself and move, however, we are blessed people who have the ability to take our roots with us wherever we go. Perhaps roots not only keep us grounded, humbled, nourished, but also spiritually bring us together and teach us to not take anyone for granted, give mutual respect, give compassion, and love. We all often want to feel like we have a strong sense of purpose that gives us passions to create something special for humanity.

Raising our self-awareness is the consciousness of our state of being just as the tree amputated its roots is very much aware of its state of being.

Roots mean original, true home, environment, culture, apart of a body of a plant, a similar organ developed from some other plant to fix by or as if by roots, to implant or establish deeply, and through digital technology. Look at idioms about "root". Root and branch, utterly and entirely take root to send out to begin to grow to become established. Look at all the other words for the word "root": base, foundation, beginning, rise, fount, fountainhead, spring, wellspring, derivation, originator, parent, progenitor, ancestors, forebear, forefathers, eradicate, eliminate, wipeout, and obliterate. What a powerful word "root" is.

God can send you people who are like roots of a tree. Thier only job is to hold you up, encourage you, and help you be strong and healthy. When they see you happy it makes them happy. We can use the word "roots" in a metaphor of trees to describe the quality of friendships. I learned that and/or found out that some people I thought were for me fell by the waste side or wasn't who I thought they were and it hasn't been easy to evaluate the role or contribution I personally played in all of it. I love this tree analogy with people in my life. Leaf people are the people who come into your life for a season. You can't depend on leaf people nor count on them because they just give you shade. Branch people are the people who come into your life and you have to be careful with them because even though they can withstand the seasons, however, they can get lost in the storms. Root people come into your life and ground themselves staying low key, quiet, and show you that good people with good intentions still exists, true friends, and they are for you.

"Spiritual roots" For our hearts to grow we need emotional and spiritual nourishment. There are five roots of the heart which are feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope. To help us identify what is happening in our hearts we can see these feelings as beginnings of the expressions off human emotional experiences. Hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and joy. Then we take those words and expand to express awe, grief, envy, anxiousness, depression, revenge, delight, and boredom. The more we feel the more we will need and the more we understand what we want and need comes our desires and as we get closer to God he will give you the desires of your heart. He gives us a new heart and mind which gives us new desires. Longings are souls wishes that want fulfillment which seeks hope. In scripture root generally appears indicating source as when the unrighteous are as a root bearing bitter and poisonous fruit or when the money is described as the root of all evil. Sometimes you might hear "become spiritually rooted" which comes from being spiritually nourished each day which intels reading his word, praying, and meditating on God's word so, we can grow in God.

Be rooted in the present means letting go of the past and not waiting on the future. God says to stay focused and live in the moment daily. "Every plant that he didn't plant will be pulled up by its roots, leave them they are blind guides". If a blind man leads a blind man both will fall. "Rooted in present" is to watch your inner-self, watch your thoughts, mental patterns that form your ego, stop analyzing, stop judging, watch instead, observe, accept, and allow to be.

"The root is card-, and it means heart".

#emotions #vocabulary #god #friendship #heartbeat #healing #trauma #therapy #philosophy #self care

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incarnateirony · 7 months

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Liber Libræ sub figurâ XXX - The Book of the Balance

1. Know then, that as man is born into this world amidst the Darkness of Matter, and the strife of contending forces; so must his first endeavour be to seek the Light through their reconciliation.

2. Thou then, who hast trials and troubles, rejoice because of them, for in them is Strength, and by their means is a pathway opened unto that Light.

3. How should it be otherwise, O man, whose life is but a day in Eternity, a drop in the Ocean of time; how, were thy trials not many, couldst thou purge thy soul from the dross of earth? Is it but now that the Higher Life is beset with dangers and difficulties; hath it not ever been so with the Sages and Hierophants of the past? They have been persecuted and reviled, they have been tormented of men; yet through this also has their Glory increased.

4. Rejoice therefore, O Initiate, for the greater thy trial the greater thy Triumph. When men shall revile thee, and speak against thee falsely, hath not the Master said, “Blessed art thou!”?

6. Be not hasty to condemn others; how knowest thou that in their place, thou couldest have resisted the temptation? And even were it so, why shouldst thou despise one who is weaker than thyself?

9. A man is what he maketh himself within the limits fixed by his inherited destiny; he is a part of mankind; his actions affect not only what he calleth himself, but also the whole universe.

13. True ritual is as much action as word; it is Will.

16. To obtain Magical Power, learn to control thought; admit only those ideas that are in harmony with the end desired, and not every stray and contradictory Idea that presents itself.

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keefwho · 1 year

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June 06 - 2023 Tuesday

7:44 AM

It’s time to plan new activities but frankly I do not know what to do with myself. I need to take in some new information, I think I’ve been getting reverby. Or I need to try something drastic because I feel like I’ve only been getting worse. But the mental pathways that cause all my problems are incredibly complex and ever changing, it’s very hard to keep track of them. I do know that for awhile I felt pretty okay aside from my intense anxiety but lately I’ve lost myself as a person. I think it could have something to do with how I suppress my emotions, as much as I liked to proclaim that I had become more expressive ever since last June. I keep a lot of myself in because I feel like I would push others away or otherwise be unaccepted. And my low self worth makes me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren’t valid compared to other people’s. Maybe the next week could be about trying to express myself more and I’d also like to re-read my ACT book and try to pick those ideas up again.

Other than that I want to give the thinking a break because I’ve been doing too much of it. This is why I delegated Tuesday’s to being the time I can go wild theorizing about what I can do better and why I am the way that I am. If I do it all the time then I miss out on living life. The actions I plan on Tuesday should be helping me throughout the week so I don’t HAVE to think about things so deeply. I should trust in my own system and stick to it.

Every day starting tomorrow I’m going to read one of the main 6 chapters in the act book. I will also find a way to be expressive in anything that I do and schedule maybe 30 minutes a day to make sure I’m doing it at least a little bit.

I feel like something big needs to change in myself to get myself back on track. I hate feeling how I do right now. I don’t like feeling like I could lose everything in an instant all due to how fucked up I am. I think I’d need to change a lot of core behaviors but I’d need to identify them first and figure out how I could do things in a more constructive way. Part of being expressive will be trying to write my journal entries at the end of the day like the things I do actually matter. Sometimes I omit information because of how useless it is even though it was clearly important enough to be on my mind. Some of the things I find interesting I don’t think are interesting to other people or even enough so to be stated in private. I want to treat myself with more respect and let myself be known. I am valid.

8:13 AM

It’s too easy to convince myself I’m unwanted and therefore should not be taking up space. I base my value off of the perceived value others give me but not only are my appraisals usually wrong, I also shouldn’t tie my value to that.

I remember how useful it was to realize that my thoughts and feelings are inside me and not representative of reality. But I’m finding it very hard to do that again. It’s like I’m stuck in my own skull. Almost like I enjoy being here. It’s easier to stay down than to pick myself up. But if I stay like this then I will never be happy and I WILL lose the good things I have. Good things take work and upkeep. Nothing is ever easy. But thats what makes them good things.

10:51 PM

Time to write a journal entry like I’m valid, even if I don’t feel like it. Everything I do is important to me. It was my first day waking up at 7am. I ate corned beef hash with eggs and toast, and an entire small onion mixed into it. I started cooking late so I was a little late to streaming which turned out okay because I finished the commission early. I feel like I could have done better on this commission for Goodtimes and I wish I did. The problem was that he wanted a color scheme and lighting that I really hate so it’s hard to do well. I can’t actually tell when it looks “good” but he seemed to like it. Also the amount of time I put in seemed a bit low and I hope that doesn’t mean I unintentionally rushed it. After stream I cleaned my bathroom floor and toilet. I caught another mouse which was very cute, something about it was cuter than others. Maybe it was the way it tried sticking it’s nose out of the trap holes. It didn’t act as afraid, it acted curious like when I had pet mice that would come to the walls of the cage. It even got me considering cleaning out my old fish tank so I could keep the mouse. I also looked on Amazon for some new potential habitats. In the end I determined I don’t want to spend money and I don’t have room to put the fish tank. I also don’t want to deal with cleaning it or anything and I don’t know how cruel it is to keep a wild mouse alone. The last one I kept seemingly died of loneliness. The mouse is still currently in the trap and I think it actually died which is weird since it’s only been in there today. After my shower I made a little pizza for lunch with some of my own pepperoni and cheese added. Keeping up with the theme lately, I hung out in David’s server while I did my remaining work. I’m not feeling very confident there, I don’t relate to anyone very much. Lowkey the group calls are annoying. I kinda only wanna talk to David but everyone else swarms him since he’s like their leader. He’s expressed interest in better one on one time though, I think he might be bothered by the swarming. I wouldn’t know though and I don’t know how long it’s been going on. I’m starting to make assumptions so I’ll stop. After that I did some drawing on my own, I drew quite a lot today. I started a few things I’m excited about like my horse sona and a glory hole pic that is looking real good. Also a secret little something to go with another letter I’m going to send out as soon as possible to a certain someone. I took a break with TOTK at some point and then Daisy and I watched 2 of the new MLP gen 5 episodes. It got me really inspired to draw more ponies, I love the designs of some of them. Part of me wants to get back on brand and draw things based on the episodes. In classic fashion I want to draw some mildly brutal content, I’ve always been drawn to producing it. I like capturing something that can spark feelings of empathy, or like the feeling you get when looking at a crying puppy or something. In some way I also enjoy the kinds of people that get upset over it, they are fun to watch. But I also want to make some wholesome content because just like before, I’m not a perv for the show. It brings me true joy and comfort and I love getting invested in the world and characters. The reason I draw anything at all for it is because I love it so much.

I forgot to read my previous entries today so I’ll try to remember to do that tomorrow morning.

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theheartofrelationshipcounseling · 1 year

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Attachment Styles

Attachment for Survival

Many people are aware of typical survival routines like fight, flight, or freeze. Someone becomes angry and they take an aggressive stance. Someone becomes frightened and they run away. Someone becomes horrified and they freeze. Lesser known as a survival routine is the human instinct for attachment.

Researcher John Bowlby began studying attachment in the middle of the twentieth century. It was first noticed in small children, probably because early childhood is when a person’s attachment style first develops, is most clearly expressed, and is most vital for the person’s survival. Though babies show clear preference to their mother’s voice on their first day of life, the part of the brain most involved with developing attachment to a child’s caregiver is at its most active between six months and two years of age. During this time, the infant is learning how to venture away from their caregivers to explore the world. However, because the world is a dangerous place, the infant needs a clear survival routine if they run into danger. And it is during this time that their attachment-related brain circuitry is learning and developing pathways that they will carry for the rest of their lives.

You can see the attachment survival routine play out with a baby as they explore their world. The baby crawls or toddles away, showing curiosity about their surroundings, and then, at some point, they check back in with their caregiver: are you still there? Infants are exquisitely tuned into their caregiver’s emotions as expressed by their voice, facial expressions, and bodily stance. Does their caregiver look tense or frightened when they look back? Do they smile and look relaxed? Are they paying attention at all? And then, what happens if the baby runs into trouble, like they fall, are surprised by a falling object, or encounter a barking dog? That baby will run back to their caregiver, their secure base for safety and soothing. No one needs to tell them to do this. And they won’t run to just anyone. That would be inefficient and risky. What if that person didn’t care and chose not to provide protection? No. In a survival situation, the infant can’t risk wasting time trying to think of where to go or of making a poor decision by placing faith in someone who isn’t willing to be a caregiver. That is why the infant is hard-wired with the instinct to run straight away to that special someone to whom they have bonded, to whom they are attached.

The goal of human development is to grow from a time of complete dependence on your caregivers to becoming capable of not only caring for your own needs but to have the capacity to care for the needs of others. An infant who is completely dependent upon another to have their needs satisfied learns how to express those needs in ways that are most likely to have those needs met. The baby cries from discomfort, and the caregiver responds to feed or to clean them. The baby reaches to be held and the caregiver plays with, talks to, or cuddles the baby. From the cumulative pattern of these interactions, the infant learns about how consistent and dependable their caregiver is in meeting their needs. The infant learns about their caregiver’s tolerance and approval for the expression of those needs. From the accumulation of interactions over the months of their childhood, the infant transforms this data into a philosophy of self and others. The infant learns to adopt an attitude of confidence or fear towards exploring the world as well as a belief in their own ability to approach and master new situations and skills. The infant develops a belief system about whether other people are safe, predictable, accepting, and dependable. Lastly, the infant develops from the way they are treated a philosophy about their own value, resilience, safety, and coherence. “The philosophy that the infant develops is enacted in what is called “an attachment style. Starting in the sixties and seventies, scientist Mary Ainsworth, followed by the work of others, was able to demonstrate that human beings have a reliable style of attachment behaviors that develops in the first years of life and continues into adulthood.

The Four Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles. The first style, the one that a majority of people practice, is known as being “secure.” The three other, “insecure” styles are known as “avoidant/dismissing,” “anxious/preoccupied,” and “disorganized.”

“Secure Attachment”

More than 60% of the time, parents do well enough in responding to their children’s needs that their children develop what is called a secure attachment style. Children with a secure attachment style know that they can ask for help when they need it, feel safe expressing their emotions, and know that they are loved and accepted for who they are. Because they have faith that they have a safe place to go if they run into trouble, securely attached children are more confident in trying new things and in solving problems. Additionally, securely attached children have a positive view of themselves as being inherently valuable, worthy of care, and valid. Children who are treated this way grow into adults who treat themselves and others like this, too.

“Insecure Types”

The other 40% of the time, something else occurs. Either because of external circumstances or inner struggles, the infant’s caregivers cannot show up consistently for all their children’s needs. After decades of study, researchers have identified three ways that children adapt behaviorally to the lack of response, consistency, acceptance, or safety in their relationship with their caregivers. These three styles are labeled collectively as being “insecure.”

“Avoidant/Dismissing”

When a caregiver has an overconfident belief in a child’s ability to “handle things on their own” or conveys to the child a sense that the expression of their needs and emotions will be ignored or met with disapproval, their child may adapt by developing a style of attachment that is called avoidant/dismissing. These children will not be expressive about their need or desire for their caregivers’ help, support, or presence and often fail to learn much about or to take seriously their own emotional processes. These children are often well-cared for materially and might be noted for their social independence, as they often are focused upon interacting with objects or accomplishing tasks. They tend not to ask for help and might be hostile to the idea of needing assistance from other people. They may be noted for “taking care of everyone else” or being “self-contained.” These children appear to be calm in stressful situations, such as being separated from their parents, however, studies of these children that monitored their physiology reveal that they are extremely distressed.

“Anxious/Preoccupied”

When a caregiver is extremely anxious about separation and models a high level of concern about the quality and closeness of primary relationships, or they express an understanding that emotions are overwhelming and unbearable and can only be soothed through relationship proximity, the child may adapt by developing an attachment that is called anxious/preoccupied. These children are slow to explore away from their caregivers, and lack confidence in their ability to problem solve or to self-soothe through emotional upsets. Separation is threatening and reunions take a long time to remedy the distress. These children find it difficult to take risks or to focus on topics beyond monitoring their proximity to their caregivers.

“Disorganized”

When a caregiver is inconsistent in their presentation and support to their child- for example being sometimes unresponsive, sometimes threatening, sometimes kind, and sometimes neglectful, the child does not have the opportunity to develop a coherent attachment strategy. Because the child is growing up in a chaotic environment, their responses are reliably chaotic. This child may be at turns aloof, clingy, aggressive, affectionate, or disengaged.

What does this matter in adulthood?

After researchers learned to classify these four attachment styles, they followed the children they had studied as they grew into adulthood and then studied the quality of their adult relationships. This is when they made an amazing discovery: the neural circuitry that was wired together when people were toddlers is repurposed in the adults to create the style of attachment they exhibit with their romantic partner. How those children adapted to their caregivers is in adulthood the way that they ask their partners to adapt to them. Securely attached partners will express and accept expressions of emotion and will seek and provide help and support when needed. Avoidantly attached partners will downplay their own and their partner’s emotional needs, will work to keep a certain emotional distance, and will find it uncomfortable or unbearably vulnerable to seek help from others. Anxiously attached partners will find any relationship discord to be destabilizing and distressing and a powerful distraction from all of their other activities. And people with disorganized attachments will find creating and maintaining stable relationships to be difficult, as they careen between the poles of a powerful hunger for attachment and the learned fear of intimacy.

Researchers have shown that attachment styles often remain stable throughout the lifetime. However, there are people who change from being insecure as children to a secure style as an adult. And it appears that the main change agent for this is… being in a safe, secure, and responsive relationship as an adult!

Attachment Matters

Researchers of adult attachment have recognized that the salience of attachment as a survival routine remains in our romantic attachments. And this is why the stakes in your romantic relationships feel so much higher than in any others. Romantic relationships are different because when you have bonded with your partner, you have made them your secure base, your default “go-to” in times of distress, threat, and triumph. Human beings are hard-wired to connect in this way, and when they lack the comfort of having a safe harbor they can count on when they need it, they exist with a constant emotional state of unease and lack.

Relationship stability and satisfaction are highly correlated with life expectancy, physical health outcomes, relationship stability, mental health, financial success, and overall life satisfaction and well-being. Your attachment style affects your view of others, your view of yourself, and how you choose to solve problems. And practicing a “secure” attachment style is most associated with relationship stability and satisfaction.

But what if you didn’t grow up with a “secure” attachment style? Attachment researchers have demonstrated that people do tend to maintain their attachment style as they age. However, some people change as they age through positive interactions with other people- even if your first adaptation to human relationship was not a secure attachment, as an adult you can learn to be secure!

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

#attachment styles

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