Ended up doing the semi-SH while blasting trigger music. Makes me feel so fucking pathetic...I used to just go at it, fuck the consequences. The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want T to think I was getting back at him. Even though I was vibrating I was so dysregulated, bordering on a panic attack. Which will probably happen during session today because I'm still so dysregulated as well as exhausted...couldn't fall asleep at all because my heart was pounding and my mind flashing through all the worst case scenarios.

I'm so panicked and out of all the people, he should know how upset this is making me. After giving me such a bullshit answer. Oh not the end of the world if I'm not in person. It's only temporary. Yea, 6 fucking months and who knows what my advanced placement will be after that. Like fuck you. You honestly thought that answer would go over well?? Not even attempting to figure something out or make a plan?? After almost 12 years together??

My thoughts completely spiraled...that I would stop seeing him because I can't just do Zoom, that without therapy I would start SHing regularly again, that I would then break up with A because I'm too unstable, that I would stop taking my meds so I can quicken the suicidality, that I was never meant to live this long anyway. I will lose my shit.

unkown

Hanging garden by Marco

Louise Glück, from "Afterword" in Faithful and Virtuous Night: Poems

sometimes a daily struggle

Stella Maria Baer

Ph. Suffo Moncloa

KRAUTKOPF sur Pinterest

Suzanne Rivecca, Ugly Bitter and True

MAY BENTON

Monochromy: Past and Present Photography - Page

Margrethe Mather (1886-1952)

A Flower, hand of Georgia O’Keeffe, 1925

“If you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it’s your world for a moment.” (Georgia O'Keeffe)

©Philomena Famulok

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Charles Baudelaire, from Modern Poets of France: An Anthology; "Parisian Dream,"

Lupines