#because thats literally what ive been saying in every ask ive gotten so far
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i started talking with some guys.
i somehow ended up on "pov: you have a chinese friend" tiktok. every single post i saw was a guy (an actual cis guy with a dick and balls) caring for some girl in another country. im not even a girl. while i wasnt, before i met him.
tumblr is banned in china so im not censoring their names.
i met prosa first. we met through this game i played called sky. we played music for each other– me on guitar, and him on piano. we got to talking, he kept complimenting me. his character was way taller than me since i was chibi that day. we talked for hours, just getting to know each other. we shared our favourite songs– both adding ones we liked to our respective playlists. he was so sweet... fuck.. it was really nice. then we added each other on wechat.
its probably been more than two months now since we met. we send each other hearts– he calls me the cutest girl he's ever seen. i send him pictures and message of everything i do throughout the day when he asleep, and he does the same. he says he misses me when i dont text him. we always talk about what we are going to do together when we meet up in china (im planning a trip there). he always asks if ive eaten. he always asks how my day was. he asks questions like he genuinely cares. and unlike some of my other friends (cough cough literally all of them, hes the only one) he actually joins me on sky when we're both online– like he actually wants to be in my company. he always asks if i wanna play too. we talk about world politics and our thoughts on the media. we open blind boxes together. i send him selfies. he sends me pictures of his hands (i love them).
hes a stranger on the internet. ive only seen his face twice. but yet, when he calls me a pretty girl, i just fold.
hes older than me. almost 24, and im turning 20 next month. fuck. i fucking love older guys. maybe its my daddy issues. maybe its my older brother issues. idk. i never saw myself with a cis man before. but here i am changing my gender identity for him.
i went on vacation for a month to europe (i live in canada) and it just fucked it up. it was fine at first– we finally had closer time zones with more time for each other. but by the end, he started to message less. we'd both be asleep at about the same time, so there was no reason to send pictures of what we do when the other is asleep. now ive been back in canada for a week and he hasnt sent a single message when im asleep. even never texts first either. i miss him. fuck i knew i shouldnt have gotten attached so quickly.
when this started happening with him while i was still in Europe, i went looking agaim for someone to talk to. i found an app on tiktok and i signed up. immediately 40 men messaged me. i felt.... fuck it felt so damn good. there wasnt enough time to even talk to them all. luckily i was able to pick out a few of the bad ones right away, but i did almost get myself into a voice call with a guy beating his meat.
i just want friends. not a boyfriend. just a guy who will idolize me and talk to me. i know this could never work in a true relationship because we are so fucking far away. just having someone to talk to, thats all i need.
there were a lot of guys i talked to, but only a few stuck around after the first little bit of the talking stage wore off. some of them couldnt handle the time zone change when i traveled back to Canada.
theres charlie. he has the same name as my cat. he sounds and texts like a native english speaker. he uses "hhhhh" and keyboard smashes and cute stickers and emojis. its so fun to talk to him! i really really enjoy it because it feels like an old friend who i can just be myself around. he doesnt compliment me much, but when its him, i dont mind. we talk when he wakes up and before he goes to bed. just a few message. i send him a lot when hes asleep, he replies once he wakes. he likes sending voice messages... his voice is so cute. hes also really cute. he plays piano, i like his hands. his fingers are so long and delicate. we like the same music– lofi– and we share songs a lot. today he talked with me a lot while i was at the park. sometimes we can go a bit without chatting. i find i miss him the most. hes become someone i enjoy hearing from.
at one point, there was a guy named dim, it only lasted for about three days with him. i gave him my wechat, as per his request. i kinda... fuck i feel stupid but he would constantly give me compliments and flirt with me. he'd say stuff like im his "cute girl". he even said hes "my boy" at one point. and he called me his cat. he did this consistently for around 3 days. he started saying he fell in love with me at first sight. hed get sad and angry when i didnt message him first or dont message him for a while. im not going to lie i loved it. the attention. fuck i loved it so much. he kept saying hes going to win my heart and make me fall in love with him. he'd call me his baby, his girl, his love. ive never been called cute so many times before. im not the type of person to date like that though. so i rejected him and he had enough and blocked me. i knew what he wanted. if i agreed to date him, he probably ask for pictures of my body. i would have given it to him, if he asked. i dont care who sees it at this point. i just want to be worshipped.
as im texting this, xuxuan just sent me a message. ive been waiting for him to wake up. i guess ill talk about him next. hes the boy i most recently met. hes 21 but is turning 22 in october (older than me thank god). he texts like a boy– not much energy, a little closed off, perfectly written messages. but somehow it makes him a little more human. we talk about a lot, but mostly we talk about mental health and how scary the world is. we have a lot of similar views. hes going through a lot and he sometimes vents a bit to me. nothing crazy, i can handle it without getting triggered at all. and it feels good, because he keeps saying im the only light in his life. he keeps repeating my name because apparently it tastes heavenly on his tongue. he says hes old fashioned a bit– not in a bad way, but in a way that makes him not have close friends and he seems unapproachable to new people. he calls me dear– "Yes, dear." or "Unfortunately, honey." fuck its so nice. i feel cared for. he always asks if ive eaten. he says i should eat more when i tell him im not hungry. we talk about the pain hes going through because of the job culture in china. he says hes depressed these days, but talking to me makes everything better. he said he never expected to meet someone so sweet with the perfect heart. i want to give him everything. fuck i really do. we just met, he barely knows much about me. but i want to ask for something from me, so i can give it to him. he woke up early today, i told him he should get some more rest. he said he'll be fine. then he called me cute.
the next is wang rui. he's probably one of the ones ive been talking to for a while next to charlie (but not as long as prosa). hes really sweet. hes also 21. he knows a french a little bit and we were talking in french for a while. it was really fun. hes so sweet. hes really tryimg to work on his english just for me, he even refuses to type in chinese even though theres an auto translator on wechat. he made a nickname for me today that made me immediately fold. he calls me 小鲁米 . in english, the first character means "little". the other characters are the chinese spelling of my name (not the one i use on this account). wang rui says the little stands for "praising someone for being cute". he called me his little one. he always asks if im alright. he sends me so many pictures of what he does throughout the day. this morning he said hes going to bed so i started sending crying emojis, saying i was sad we couldnt talk more. he said dont be sad and started up a new conversation. he stayed up for three more hours to talk to me. he makes me feel special. and hes really cute. he sends adorable stickers too. one of the boys mentioned that hearts are only shared between couples in china. im not sure which one said that, but i explained friends do it here in canada. it doesnt matter, because i sent hearts with all the boys. especially wang rui and prosa. (prosa the most of course, we always send a heart when we wish each other goodnight).
the next boy is just a friend. hes younger than me. we talk about games. hes really bad at english but hes trying so hard. hes trying to learn 10 words a day so he can have a proper conversations with me. we play the same games so we are going to play games soon to help him improve his english. unlike the older guys, i feel like i can just be my age around him. we just talk about games, curse out the school system, share our favorite music, laugh over tiktoks, and fangirl over characters together. its nice and refreshing. hes like a younger brother to me. if he asked me to date him, id refuse. i dont see him like that at all, unlike the other boys. i gave him the nickname child haha
theres a few more. finn i havent talked to in a while. i gave him that name, he posted it on his socials and he was really happy about it. hes sweet, but he left me on delivered. junteng was way out of my league. he sings and would send me his singing vids (hes really fucking good). when i sent him my photo, he distanced himself. he didnt like the look of me, but hes so hot, so i knew he wouldnt. he got dry, and eventually we stopped talking. but the small moments we had together were amazing. he loved to give compliments. the same thing happend with luo jiu.
zhu is a rich boy. we only talk when he has time. hes running his own business. apparently thats what his entire family has to do. he sends me photos of his work. hes really good at it. i cant remember which boy is a photographer, but i think its him. hes really sweet. i wish we could talk more. but hes busy.
i just met yuan rong. well not really. i had him on the app where i met the other guys but i got so many message it was overwelming so i stopped going on for hours on end. he never gave up. always sent me gifs and pictures of cute cats when i wouldnt answer for hours. id come back to a mountain of texts. and well, you know me by now. i really fucking love that. he added me on wechat and hes the one ive been talking with the most (besides the child/ younger brother). he texts about everything and anything. he has a metaphor for everything. he doesn't compliment me like the other boys, but its alright, because i love the convos we have. i learn so much about chinese culture through him. i really love it. i feel like i dont message him enough– he sends a lot of texts and sometimes i just dont have the energy to reply to it all. i hope he doesnt mind or get bored with me. i like him. we like the same things. he texts me a lot, and never stops. always waits for me, but gently reminds me hes here when i dont answer. but he doesnt mind when i cant reply all the time. i still feel a little bad for him when i cant reply, so when he "tickles" me (a feature on wechat) i gently apologize and let him know what im doing. i like him too. and he calls me cute. i want more people to call me cute.
theres many more boys on that first app. some i dont talk to anymore. some i ignored. some called me beautiful but immediately asked me for photos. some seemed nice but i got scared of commitment.
i love the attention. i love the compliments. i soak it up like its my last breath. it goes straight to my heart. no boy has ever called me pretty before. no boy has seen me and has wanted me before. no boy has called me nicknames. no boy has ever said he wants to treat me well when i come visit him. no boy has learned a whole other language for me.
if they ask me for something, ill give it to them. who have i become?
- ji
(05/28/2024)
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@petty-talkofthecharts-discord-members You people really have 0 idea how industry, market, major music awards and charts work and it shows. Sit down. People are streaming because they enjoy music. You consume the music by streaming. Stop portraying people as bots and rabid fans. You listened to BE? Sorry to break it to you that you streamed. It's not about breaking records, it's not about other acts, it's about giving back love to BTS. THE BOYS explicitly said, multiple times, on a national 1/6
under a cut cause multipart
television, in US and Korea, that they want all BE songs to chart on Hot100. THEY said they want #1 BB debut w Korean song. THEY all said, multiple times, including last week, they want a Grammy. THEY all wept whole night after #1, Jimin literally cried until 4 AM on the timeline together with armys. THEY SAID in the skit, after expressing euphoria, "Hoba, don't you think this is what happiness is like?". THEY said in the skit, "This is the best gift of my life... what... what just happened" 2/6
We appreciate them and the comfort, happiness their music brings us and we want to make them happy in return. So we give them what makes them happy. By doing what makes us happy. Which is listening to their music. If you don't want to see BTS happy, if you don't want them to get the awards they want, don't be a pressed anti in other people's business and let armys do what they want. If you think BTS is inorganic, that's fine, whatever helps you sleep at night, but know that so are all your 3/6
faves whoever they are. Name one organic big western act. Don't be shy, baby, speak into the mic. And it's cute how you think the strategies are a new thing on the west and how it's tied to BTS and ??kpop?? somehow? Do a little research on the history of Billboard charts. Whole history. Not just the last decade. Although the last decade has plenty of gems, too. Come on, sweetie. And let's not even BEGIN to talk about payola and blacklisting and fucking bundles. DON'T FUCKING LET ME START ON 4/6
blacklisting and payola and western acts and other certain acts and all your precious organic gp-loved "critically-acclaimed" radio-loved faves. You don't wanna have that convo, you really, really don't. It's gonna get real embarrassing for all non-BTS real quick. The receipts are out there, honey. So maybe don't start convos about charts and music industry when you're absolutely oblivious about everything, including how much you don't know about anything. 5/6
Y'all pressed people need to stop disrespecting BTS. You come and say THAT after everything Joon said and expressed just recently? Seriously? I hope the fuck you're now spewing this on weverse or twitter where there's even a tiny possibility he can see it. I have 2 questions for you: how could you? Why do you hate him so much? 6/6
my dude. first of all i literally disagreed with the anon that said streaming is inorganic lol.
as i have said through my responses multiple times, i think STREAMING IS IMPORTANT AND VALID. i said streaming serves a lot of purposes and streaming gets artists growth. i literally said this at least 3x. i am not here to argue organic/inorganic. please don’t put words in my mouth. i did not say that any of the western acts are organic. i never said that they don’t have strategies to get their numbers higher. i said western artists have easier times getting radio play than our boys do because they compose music primarily in english and that’s absolutely not fair and xenophobic, and streaming is a way to combat that from our side. i was praising those who take the time to stream. i am literally saying its UNFAIR that our boys don’t get more chances to get heard on the radio.
the only point i am trying to make is that nobody is obligated to stream. my original post was made in response to many many tweets i saw that were straight up BASHING on those who dont stream, saying they’re not real fans or they don’t deserve to get decent concert tickets. there are MANY MANY ways of supporting BTS or any other artist you like, and that’s buying tickets. buying merch. buying albums. i don’t want anyone to feel guilty or bad because there are people telling them theyre not doing enough, when they are. the only obligations we have as fans is to enjoy the music. that IS streaming. the very definition of streaming is to listen to a song in real time. please take a look at my answers again. i’ll even quote one here:
we have a right to enjoy content however we want. if that means streaming to you, then yay! if that means listening once today and once tomorrow, yay!
i am trying to say that there should not be any bullying of people to stream. im no way am i discounting the importance of streaming. i am saying it should be something undertaken willingly.
(p.s. what? lol i can’t even fathom why you think i would dedicate nearly two years of my life to run a blog about a guy i ‘hate’?)
edit: also in case it isnt clear, ive been talking about mass-streaming. not just listening to the album. ive been talking about the culture that promotes people staying up and sacrificing sleep/health to stream.
#pls dont confuse anon comments with my own views#you say 'let armys do what they want'#which is funny#because thats literally what ive been saying in every ask ive gotten so far#i said as long as ur not hurting anyone#u can do whatever u want#🙃#rain reply#dreamers
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Hug Headcanons: Revisited
a/n: ive felt like i should rewrite this for a while now. i hated seeing those stuped ~180 words, so.. thats why were here! xD i added yukio to the mix as well, since ive gotten this ask >:) huge thanks to @no-remorse, who beta-read it for me <33
Tiny edit: I’d love to hear the feedback for this one! <3
Warnings: Spoiler in the last headcanon in Yukio’s part!
★ Characters: Rin, Yukio, Mephisto, Lucifer, Amaimon, Astaroth.
★ Words: 2,1k.
Rin:
no matter where, who’s watching, or what had happened before, he’s gonna give you a big, big hug! he absolutely lives for your hugs, it soothes him emotionally so much and works as immediate relief.
almost always his one hand wraps around your waist, while the other one goes on your head as he nuzzles into your neck; his hugs are always tight, almost as if you were about to get taken away from him - he doesn’t really feel like that inside, but.. he likes feeling that you’re here. present. for him.
after a fight, he immediately runs into your arms and almost makes you both fall on the ground as you nearly lose your balance when his arms wrap around you; feeling your embrace, your warmness.. something in his mind switches right away and he’s calm. he’s still shaking, but it gradually stops as he relaxes in your arms.
at first, he might be a little shy, but when he gets comfortable, he can’t keep his arms away from you. He just.. loves feeling you. hugs make him somewhat vulnerable, because he lets his frustration out, and at the same time - Rin gets an extreme dose of serotonin. He tends to place his forehead on yours just before he loosens his hold on you, and eventually moves on do to his things.
depending on your height, he still loves hugging the same! if you’re short - during hugging, he also places his cheek on your head, leaving a soft kiss on your hair. if you’re tall - he loves!! hugging!! into your chest!! or whatever he reaches!! he’s just snuggling into you like a madman.
he gets butterflies in his stomach when you hug him from behind and almost starts stuttering. (do it when he's cooking or sumn,, but u didn't hear it from me)
also, please, PLEASE wrap your arms around his neck. he’s gonna MELT.
Yukio:
his hugs are rare, but it’s not like he doesn’t touch you - it’s just Yukio being Yukio; hugs make him vulnerable, similarly to Rin, except that it’s Yukio’s way to “open up” about his problems a little. It’s surely a very small step forward, but it shows that he's trying, yet he doesn’t realize how much it actually helps him.
he prefers to hug somewhere where there are not so many people around, not necessary in private completely, but as long as you’re the only one with him in the room, he’s down for a hug if he feels like it (or you beg him enough lol).
he’s usually silent during hugging, but he really “quietly” lets his frustration out, you might even catch him sighing. at first, he embraces you with only one arm and places his head on your shoulder, but when it hits him - the emotions, that he’s been waiting for years and now he’s finally able to tell someone everything - he’s almost crying, but he intertwines his other hand with yours instead. even though there are no real words shared, his love language involuntarily shows the beauty of his complicated personality.
now, he’s a little “unwilling” to hug you, mostly because of all that emotions crashing on him, but he feels so much better afterwards.. it’s unreal, he feels like you used some kind of magical spell on him.
the worst time to hug him is probably when he’s angry - and while it seems like a totally normal thing, it doesn’t work as comfort for him - it makes him even more upset, so it’s really best to leave him alone for some time. he knows your intentions are good though, so usually, he comes back to you with a calmed mind and apologizes.
I picture his S/O being in this mess in chapter 126, where the twins just beat the shit out of each other, and suddenly Yukio’s s/o comes up to him and stops from shooting Rin - he’d have that mental wall blocking him from hurting you in any way, just when he realizes he points his guns at your face or grabbing his hands and attempting to get Rin out of his target range - both of those things and any similar scenarios would end up with him looking at you with those beautiful, yet unfortunate eyes showing so much pain and sadness, along with that broken expression on his face, hoping to understand him.
Mephisto:
we’re gonna have fun here. hugging with Mephisto is pretty common, he likes touching you physically and doesn’t really care if people see it - he’ll push boundaries as far as he can, but unless it’s someone or something really important, he stops and gets serious.
^unless it’s Arthur, he could politely knock on the door. Hearing the permission to come in, the first thing he sees is Mephisto hugging you with a hand on your lower back, heading dangerously onto your ass while casually giving him random papers and smirking at him. wow.
if you think the twins’ grip was tight, Mephisto’s gonna literally try to squish you into his body - it’s not hugging if your bodies aren’t touching themselves in EVERY possible way. You could be practically glued to him and he won’t complain - in fact, he’s gonna have that shit-eating grin and tease you by saying “hmm, aren’t you needy, darling? you can’t be away from me even if I work!” (even if.. it was him who called you over...)
he GETS handsy and you can’t do anything about it. and he really does it on purpose, just to tease you and see how much time it takes for you to get either horny or snap at him. nonetheless, he likes to place hands around your waist or just on your hips, then shove you into him, so he’s able to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
hugs definitely show his rather “softer” side, the silly one - but he also doesn’t hesitate to hug you when he’s serious; these hugs, however, tend to be quicker but more intimate. even if it’s just him standing next to you and placing his hand on your hip while watching the dark sky, stars flickering slightly as you feel a slight, cold breeze hit your face; you look at him, wondering what he’s thinking about, this incredibly sharp mind with hundreds, perhaps thousands of different thoughts. Is he reflecting? Reminiscing? Regretting? or is his mind wandering around some silly thoughts? Yet you’re the one left wondering, not noticing his emerald eyes have focused on yours a while ago. You take your eyes off him, slightly embarrassed, hearing only a faint chuckle and feeling his grip tightening on you as you two once again gaze at the glittering galaxy above you.
Lucifer:
due to his body being not as strong as Mephisto’s - he’s usually down for cuddling instead. however, when some of the elixirs do their job, he’s gonna give you hugs pretty often.
prefers to be in private when he really wants to give you a genuine hug; he doesn’t want to show others he fell for the trap named “love”. he lets himself be a hypocrite about it, for once (ekhem satan and yuri).
Of course, tiny hugs wouldn’t be forgotten while attending stuff anywhere else on Dominus Liminis, but they’re just quick hugs when you walk past him. he isn’t ashamed of you by any means, in fact, he’s proudly walking along with you most of the time, having a hand either on your waist or interlaced with yours.
Lucifer’s hugs are very, very confident and send butterflies to your stomach - he radiates that strong energy to make you feel secure in his arms - the world could be falling, but as long as you’re in his arms, he’ll do anything to protect you from any harm, even if this means losing his precious body.
sometimes he hugs you in his own, unique way - he interlaces both of his hands with yours and places his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and sighing softly. while you might think it’s not really a hug, it’s definitely a very sweet gesture. you can get a kiss on the temple or a few sweet and uplifting words whispered in your ear too, if he feels particularly affectionate that day.
his views on physical contact are... a little bizarre; he’s confused and doesn’t fully understand the purpose of it, yet - he will admit it’s quite satisfying. feeling your lover is definitely something that feeds the feelings he’s had deep within him. he might be a little stiff when you introduce him to this too, no matter how many times he’d seen humans do it - experiencing it for the first time is new to him, but surely it is something he grew to enjoy.
so what’s that “hugging” thing again? you just wrap your arms around someone and.. that’s it? are you supposed to just stay like this? how long? - that’s pretty much half of his thoughts going through his head when he hugs you.
it takes him quite a long time until he “learns” it just “makes him feel better”. he understands (kinda) the idea of it, but deeper down, he’s still pretty puzzled.
In the early stages of hugging, Amaimon didn't realize how strong his hugs were - if he didn’t break any bone of yours, then it’s a miracle. As soon as he noticed you almost passing out, he stopped and the guilt of possibly causing you harm has kicked in, so he promised you to make it up the best way he can.
Amaimon doesn’t realize it - but as time passes he grew used to hugs! Especially greeting hugs, which at this point he doesn’t realize he gives - it’s become a habit of his.
not a fan of long hugs - to say it bluntly, he becomes bored if it lasts too long (unless there’s been a fight beforehand, in this case, he understands you want to regain the sense of security that physical body is able to give). he likes quick hugs instead, which he gives more often.
Amaimon’s hugs are pretty simple - he wraps his arms around your waist and that’s.. pretty much it. He might rub your back sometimes, but to be honest - he just likes the simplicity. Funnily enough, when Behemoth notices you hugging, he also wants to participate! Tiny demon bounces your way and while it’s near your leg, he starts clinging to it and nuzzling himself (Amaimon’s kinda >:((((((( when he sees Behemoth snuggling, but it’s his boyo so he forgives him).
However, Amai gets really mad when he sees you hugging someone else than him. Unless it’s a close friend or family member, he’s.. somewhat accepting this, but if it’s someone he doesn’t know - he’ll either try to fight them or take you bridal style in his arms and just go away.
He also gets awfully handsy, which he probably picked up from Mephisto. His one hand might slowly slide down to grope your ass cheeks; when you look at his face questionably, he’s just gonna place the other hand on your ass as his answer.
Astaroth:
his understanding is even worse than Amaimon’s, so he’s initially against it. he doesn’t understand the purpose of it and it's very hard to convince him otherwise, saying something along the lines of “if you need your “physical contact” we can fuck on the counter”.
continuously asking him would only make the situation worse, as he’d get annoyed more each second, eventually making him leave the house for a few days. one situation, however, changed his mind the most - he’s once lashed out at you, leaving you crying. he left nonetheless and waited a few days until he cooled off. feeling bad for his actions and regretting doing it for once, he came back, but instead of confronting you - he left a withering rose with a note.
he’s learned a little bit from that situation - seeing that you accept his quirks, he decided to try out some of your ideas - including hugging. and oh boy, how wrong he was.
he will NOT admit he likes hugs for his life; very “tsundere” approach to it, but you can catch his face being relaxed sometimes.
his favorite hug is.. hugging you from behind! whenever you’re cooking or being busy just in general, he loves surprising you with a hug, encircling his hands around your belly as you flinch slightly, not expecting him. as an apology, he places a gentle kiss on your shoulder.
due to him being nasty, you gotta bear with his dirty-talking he’s “performing” every time he hugs you. he also WILL tease you by groping your chest with no shame, attempt to give you hickies, and after a while - move his hands dangerously near your chest.
#Ao no Exorcist#blue exorcist#rin okumura#Yukio Okumura#mephisto pheles#lucifer#amaimon#astaroth#Headcanon#Pure
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He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?
(referring to this post)
my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.
you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.
she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)
yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.
i hated the teacher more.
it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.
it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!
so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.
and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.
then we did the midterm.
except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.
it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.
i offered to teach it.
she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.
anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.
discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.
she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them
she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.
it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”
i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”
i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.
the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.
i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,
she was fired over the summer.”
#let me tell you bitch i SCREAMED......#anyways im not sorry this was long#its literally the only cool thing thats ever happened to or about me so shrugs#Anonymous
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PLEASE explain what your grandpa max tag means
LMAO okay yeah ive gotten a lot of new followers from comics stuff since i last explained it
back in 2014-ish i binged amost all of ben 10 (original series, alien force, and ultimate alien. never finished omniverse tho and the reboot didnt exist yet) over spring break because my friend on twitter had been talking about the show, and then we all made crack roleplay accounts and well, i was grandpa max. a fascinating choice 16 yr old me made. i had a whole like... thing, with grandpa max, this whole obsession I overplayed because I thought it was hilarious (I was correct because it was) I let this extend irl too, because i was cringey like that and let my online self and irl self mingle far too much back in highschool
this picture of me circa 2014/2015 at a sleepover where i forced my friends to watch ben 10 with me should be an indiciation of that.
anyways, there was also this one vocaloid meme comment that went around a lot at the same time
which i thought was HILARIOUS (i was, once again, correct) and since this was at the peak of my grandpa max era i mixed the two of them together to come up with ‘grandpa max is god? i go to church now’ and decided to replace my previous text tag with it (i thiiiink my old one was like ‘sam says shit’ to match my art tag im sure some of y’all have noticed is ‘sam draws shit’ but i made this change literally like seven years ago i dont really remember. ive been on this website since 2011)
so there you go, thats the story. getting asked this every few months is honestly so funny one of these days i’ll make an faq about it because it is the only question i am frequently asked
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Wish I Was Sarah PT.1(Kiara Carrera X Reader)
Kiara had first met you 3rd of December.You had been at a party,a christmas party to be specific.You were a kook which meant your parents forced you to go to all the big mansion parties all the time.All of the big ones were there,Sarah Cameron,Topper Thornton,Rafe Cameron,Kiara Carrera.All of them.
You had worn a sweater over a simple t shirt,too lazy to put on a dress like all the others.Your parents were just glad that you had agreed to make an appearance even if you looked like shit.You had sat in the corner of the couch,earbuds in.You were listening to Sweater Weather,thinking it was funny because you were,in fact,wearing a sweater.
Kiara had stood at the snack table for a while,holding a disgusting monstrosity of a cookie,debating on picking off the sprinkles and throwing them away.She had never really been a fan of sprinkles.She had glanced around the crowds,the moms talking as they ate cheese cubes,the dads talking as they drank beers and wine,the other teens probably getting high up in the bathroom.Then her eyes fell on you.
She felt her face heat up immediately,staring at you for a while.You were underdressed for the occasion,your earbuds in as you sat curled up on the couch,seeming tired of being there.She debated herself in her head,trying to decide whether to approach you or not.Eventually she gave in,walking across the room with fake confidence,sitting down next to you.She watched as you tensed up,your eyes going wide,your bottom lip between your teeth,wondering what she wanted.
You pulled out an earbud,looking up at the beautiful girl that had decided to sit next to you of all places. “Hey.”She smiled,holding out her hand to you. “Im Kiara.”She introduced herself.You pulled out your other earbud,a small grin on your face. “Hi.Im (Y/N).”You shook her hand,feeling your face heat up a bit. “So um….yeah.What song were you listening to?”She asked,trying not to laugh at how dumb she sounded.You showed her your phone,finding yourself moving closer to her on the couch. “You like Frozen ll a lot.”She laughed,watching you scroll through the playlist.
You nodded,handing her an earbud to make her listen to Lost In The Woods. “Ive never seen Frozen ll.”She admitted,watching as your jaw dropped and your eyes widened. “Kiara!Oh my god-whats wrong with you?”Your voice became higher as you talked,your hand covering your mouth.She laughed at you,shrugging. “Wait,have you seen the first one?”You asked.She nodded,watching as a look of relief came across your face. “Okay,did you like it?”You asked.She shrugged once again,smiling at your enthusiasm.
“The second one is better I promise.”You answered.She rolled her eyes,leaning back against the couch. “Im serious!The soundtrack,the animation everything is so much better!”You exclaimed,shaking your phone as you spoke.She nodded. “Yeah,whatever you say.”She replied,watching as you tried to convince her. “You have to watch it!Please?”You pouted.She nodded,making you clap your hands in excitement as you went into your disney plus app.She watched as you scrolled through the movies,a big grin on your face because you had easily defeated her.
“Its so cold in here.Who puts air conditioning on in december?”She complained out loud.You handed her your phone for a moment,not hesitating to pull off your sweater and hand it to her. “That’s pretty warm.”You told her,not really thinking about it.Her face turned red,biting her bottom lip as she held back a smile.
She had originally regretted her wardrobe choice of a green dress,the fabric light and flowy,her arms exposed which caused goosebumps to rise across her caramel skin.She didnt regret it now though as she pulled on your sweater,the warm fabric making the goosebumps go away.Her heart was thumping as you moved incredibly close to her,handing her an earbud and holding your phone in front of the two of you.
As you reached the point of Into The Unknown it was announced that dinner was ready,ham,turkey,potatoes,corn,rolls,pretty much everything imaginable.It disgusted you that you all had a feast of expensive,high quality food while people in The Cut were lucky to have a meal a day.The adults called the other teens downstairs for the meal and you promised Kiara that you’d finish watching it after.You two decided to sit next to eachother at the table,your sweater still on her.
She offered it back to you,saying that she didnt want to get food on it but you told her that it was fine and that it looked better on her anyways. “So the movie...what do you think about it so far?”You had asked softly as Kelce and Topper came down the stairs. “Its good.Its good,like you said,better than the first for sure.”She nodded,eyebrows furrowing when she noticed your eyes falling away from her and towards someone walking down the stairs.Sarah fucking Cameron.The blonde was wearing a nice,light grey dress that looked amazing on her figure,her hair in pretty braids.
Kiara saw the look in your eyes,the way they were full of wonder,mesmorized by Sarah Cameron.She felt like dying,like being eaten up by a black hole as she wondered how she could be so stupid.She had thought that maybe you were interested in her but it was probably because she had been the only girl there.Now that Sarah was here she would be lucky if she could get your attention back again.
“So what do you think of the theory about Elsa?”She asked,glaring at Sarah.Your face heated up,taking your eyes off of the pretty blonde and back to Kiara. “What theory?”You asked,glancing over at Sarah every couple of moments.Kiara tried to hide her anger,covering it with a small grin. “The one about her being a lesbian.What do you think of it?”She asked,trying to learn more about you and if she even had a chance.You bit your lip,looking over at the plate of biscuits.
“I mean,I think at this point we all just want representation in disney and in like,media in general but I dont think Elsa is a lesbian.I feel like she might be aromantic or maybe...well,I dont really know.There’s nothing-well,you know she actual might be a lesbian,”You paused,leaning forward to grab a biscuit and put it on your plate.
“There’s this one scene in Frozen ll,ill point it out to you that has like vibes to it.But then again just because she doesnt have a male love interest doesnt exactly mean she’s a lesbian.Moana and Merida didnt have guys that they were in love with but that doesnt mean they’re lesbians.Merida might be a lesbian,have you seen how good she is in nature and cooking fish in the wild?And how she knew those berries were poison?Thats some cottage core lesbian shit.What was I talking about?”you asked,realising you had gotten caught up in the topic and had forgotten the original question.
Kiara smiled,glad to hear you speak so passionately about something. “If Elsa is a lesbian.”She held back a laugh,watching as the realisation came across your face. “Right,so the answer is yes but also no but also yes.Like at least fifty percent yes but also no but im 1000% confident in Merida being a lesbian.”You confirmed,cutting open your biscuit.She nodded,trying to think of a new topic before she lost your attention again. “So the whole thing of people shipping Else with Jack Frost.What do you think of that?”She asked,laughing when your fists slapped down in your lap,gaining the attention of Rafe and Sarah.
“Dude literally it makes no sense!Jack Frost isnt even disney!Like the only reason anyone ever shipped them was because they have the same powers but Jack is like 300 years old and hes like...energetic and giggly and child-like and immature and she would get so annoyed so quick!She’s introverted and serious and of course theres nothing wrong with that but she gets like too embarrassed too fast and I cant see them ever getting together or even being friends.Like,Merida is most definitely a lesbian but if they’re gonna ship Jack with anyone it should be her!Their personalities are so similar.”You huffed,biting into a half of your biscuit.
She nodded,grabbing a scoop of mashed potatoes and putting it onto her plate. “Yeah,definitely.So who is your favorite disney princess?”She asked,sending a bitter glare towards Sarah.Sarah had been staring at you during your passionate speech,filtering out the other voices to listen to you.She found you fascinating,intriguing.She was trying to figure out why she didnt know you or if you were new to the island.You glanced her way,smirking to yourself when you saw her blush. “Um...I dont think I have a favorite.They’re all powerful and wonderful in their own ways and they all have pretty cool stories.Except Pocahontas,I hate that they romanticize colonization and in reality she was like ten and he was in his late twenties.The soundtrack was great though.”You shrugged,taking a sip of root beer.
She nodded,listening in to what the old folks were talking about.There were more people outside who had opted to take plates of food out there.Kiara wouldve preferred to go outside but it was colder out there and she hadnt been prepared.Her mother was looking at her from across the table but Kiara couldnt care less,too busy searching for your parents. “Hey,(Y/N)?”She asked quietly,getting your attention off of your biscuit. “Where are your parents?”She asked.You shrugged,getting your own scoop of mashed potatoes. “I think they’re outside.I dunno.”You answered.She nodded,continuing to eat,sending a glare towards Sarah every couple of moments.
“Eat faster so we can finish the movie.”You told her,not thinking about it as you spoke.She smiled,hurrying to eat. “Wait,why dont we just go outside and watch it?”She suggested.You bit your cheek,trying to figure out why you hadnt thought of that.You nodded,standing up and picking up your root beer,balancing it on your plate and walking out of the house,Kiara close behind you. “Where are we going?”She asked.You grinned,careful as you walked down the hill. “I know a spot.”You answered,walking across the sand of the beach.
You had explored pretty much all spots of the beach and had found your favorite one,a cave behind a wall of rocks that you had personalized.You walked towards the rock wall,slipping through the crack. “What is this place?”She asked,still following you.You smiled,turning on your phone flash light so you could see the lantern that you had put in there,turning it on.Her face lit up,looking around the cave.Pillows,sheets,blankets,pretty curtains hanging from the walls,a bin of paints so you could paint the rocks. “Thats such a good question.I really dont know how it got here,I just went through the crack one day and kind of just found it.”You shrugged,sitting down in the pile of pillows and patting the spot next to you.She sat down,shifting so she was as close to you as possible,leaning her head against your shoulder to test the waters.You pulled the earbuds from you phone,turning up the volume of the movie.
@poguestyleskye @jjtheangel @balanceofgray @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian
If you’d like to be tagged in all future JJ imagines/headcannons/series comment with a heart,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Pope imagines/headcannons/series comment with a smiling face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Rafe imagines/headcannons/series comment with a frowning face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Kiara imagines/headcannons/series comment with a question mark and if you’d like to be tagged in all future Sarah Cameron imagines/headcannons/series comment with a plus sign.If you’d like to be tagged in all Kelce content coment with a “>” and if youd like to be tagged in all Topper content comment with a “%”.Or if thats too complicated you can just comment whose name you’d like to be tagged in.
#kiara carrera#kiara x reader#obx kiara#kiara carrera x you#kiara carrera imagine#kiara carrera headcanon#kiara carrera series#sarah cameron#sarah cameron x reader#sarah cameron imagine#sarah cameron x you#obx sarah
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Ocean Eyes - Part 8
A/N - Finally an update!! Im sorry of this is bad but im trying to get back into the swing of it! 💕💕
My week had been long! Or at least it felt that way. Work had been busier than usual and Mason was being extra clingy. If he wasn't hanging onto me he was throwing a tantrum because he wanted his dad. Chris had been stopping by every day after he got off from work, most days staying for dinner and then leaving once Mason was down for the night. On the few occasions Chris couldn't make it..... i knew Mason was going to act up. It was nice having Chris's help with Mason, but i couldn't help thinking about how much easier life would have been with him around from the start.
Another person who had noticed Chris's increased visits was Brian! My god he was driving me mad!!
He would show up all the time at the coffee shop trying to talk to me about random things. He would always be out the front of his house when i arrived home, it was getting ridiculous and honestly a little creepy! Even to the point of him showing up when i was grocery shopping with Mason.
Friday evening quickly came around and I packed a weekend bag for Mason and I ready for our weekend in Boston visiting Chris's mom Lisa. It had been agreed that we would stay at Chris's house after Mason found out Chris had a dog.
He wouldn't shut up about meeting Dodger!
Chris came by to pick us up, he grabbed our bags and took them out to his car with Mason following him while i double checked the house was locked up and i hadn't forgotten anything. I set the alarm and locked the front door, as i turned Brian was walking over.
"Hey, you going somewhere?" He asked like it was something he should be aware of.
"yeah, just a family thing" i nodded shrugging casually as i continued towards Chris's car.
"How long you gonna be gone for?"
"Only a few days, goodnight Brian"
"You okay?" Chris asked walking over to me while throwing a glare at Brian who wasn't too far behind.
"Yeah lets just go"
Chris put his arm around my waist and led me to the passenger side while standing between me and Brian as if shielding me from my creepy neighbour.
"I know its not my place to say, but i don't like that guy. He freaks me out the way he is with you" Chris said quietly once we were on the road.
"I know, i hate it too. He's gotten worse since he's seen you around more"
"I really think you should think about moving"
"Ive been thinking the same thing actually"
"You have?"
"Yeah, i don't feel safe in my own home anymore. The guy is literally everywhere i go"
"He still coming by the coffee shop?"
"Everyday" i nodded "now he shows up when i'm getting groceries with Mace....."
"Maybe you and Mason should stay with me until you find a new place, or i'll stay with you....."
"Chris...."
"Im not trying to overstep i swear, i just want to know you're both safe"
"I'll think about it".
To say Chris's house was impressive would be a huge understatement. When we walked in we were tackled by the brown and white dog Mason had been dying to meet. Dodger was so happy to see people and so gentle with Mason, the two were hitting it off already. I stood looking around the house and couldnt believe how clean and tidy everything was.... it looked like something out of a magazine....I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my mouth, that got Chris's attention.
"What?"
"I was just thinking about how tidy it is.... you do realise thats gonna change with a 5 year old running around?"
"Of course i do, i'm not stupid.....Im looking forward to it"
"We'll see if you feel that way later" i shook my head before bending down to fuss Dodger who was now wanting my attention.
"Pizza okay for dinner?" Chris asked after he had shown us to the guest room and got us settled in.
"Thats fine, Mason will be thrilled" i smiled "must get his love of pizza from you".
Chris just smiled proudly as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket to order.
"Your favourite still ham and pineapple?"
"Of course!"
"So gross"
"Christopher don't start that argument with me again.... pineapple is good on pizza!"
"Keep telling yourself that sweetheart" he chuckled shaking his head as we made our way back downstairs. We had argued about pineapple on pizza for years!
"Mason agrees with me" i shrugged with a smug smile as a look of horror spread on his face.
"No!..... say it ain't so....."
"Sorry its true, ask him"
"Hey buddy?.... what pizza do you want?" Chris called over to Mason who was sitting with Dodger in front of the TV.
"Ham and Pineapple please"
"Thats my boy!" I grinned at Chris before going to sit with Mason and Dodger.
I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my outfit choice for the day, maybe i should change..... i had already changed 3 times!! My stomach had been in knots all morning, the nerves getting the better of me, Id barely touched the pancakes Chris had made us all for breakfast.
"You look so pretty mama" I heard Mason say and turned to see him standing in the bedroom doorway smiling at me.
"Thank you baby" i smiled back lovingly at him before taking one last look in mirror and taking a deep breath.
"I guess its time to go meet your nana huh?"
"Yep! Come on lets go! Dad said Dodger can come too" he was so excited!
"He did?? Wow bud thats great! Come on then lets go".
Chris was sat on the sofa waiting for us, he was looking at something on his cell phone that made him frown.... he looked pissed off truth be told.
"Hey, we're ready when you are" i said casually letting him know we were in the room. He looked up instantly, his eyes looking me up and down as a smile spread on his face.
"Wow you look nice.... both of you"
"Thanks, we wont embarrass you then?" I asked only half joking, even though i knew his family this was still nerve racking.
"Why would you ever embarrass me?"
"I...."
"Mama can we go?" Mason interrupted walking over with Dodger on his lead.
"Wow someones eager to meet his nana huh?"
"Sure pal, lets go" Chris beamed grabbing his car keys and slipping his phone in his jeans pocket.
Chris's cell was blowing up in his pocket as we drove to his moms place, 5/6 ignored phone calls followed by a shit ton of text messages. I could see him getting more and more irritated the longer they kept coming through.
"Everything okay?" I finally asked looking over at him.
"Huh?"
"Your phone?...."
"Oh yeah, i'm sure its nothing important"
"The person trying to get your attention seems to think differently"
"It can wait" he quickly looked at me with a tight lipped smile before turning his attention back to the road.
"You sure? You can pull over and check...."
"Im positive"
"Okay if you say so"
"I do say so, now shush i like this song" he said smiling as he turned up the song on the radio drowning out the sound of his phone.
My knee was bouncing and my heart racing from my nerves as we drove up the drive way to Lisa's house.
Chris put the car in park and looked over at me with a smile.
"You know you have nothing to be nervous about? My mom loves you, you were always like another daughter to her"
"I know, but i left..... she's gonna hate me for leaving the way i did.... for not telling her...."
"Hey, she knows this is on me. She always knew it was my fault we didn't work out...." he looked down at his lap "she was so happy to hear you were coming to see her. She can't wait to see you and meet Mason"
"She was?"
"Yeah, now come on you got this"
I nodded and took a deep breath before throwing open my door and climbing out of Chris's car ready to face the music.
Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes
Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina
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me :) giv me kissy
send URL for opinion. always open.
jhin ! i love you ! i will gib kehisses to you always ! mwah mwah !!! also ... i am mobile bound so this WILL be edited later ( and possibly added onto ) when i get home after my shift just letting you know 🔪
MY OPINION ON ;
character in general : i was gonna be funny & go off talking about every single ONE of your characters LOL . but that would require me to list A LOT of characters . not to mention that there’s many characters that ... i wouldn’t have an opinion on if it weren’t for you ( or have reconsidered my thoughts on cause if you ) heheheheh the jhin effect ....
really though . there's MANY characters that you write that i have a fondness for anyway to begin with . & some of them i had considered of writing them myself . ( namely zhongli tbh , asra , & , at one point , yusei ) but really i could really go on & on about literally every character that i know you write . from noctis to sylvain to diluc to timothy & everybody in between . i think honestly you & i have very VERY similar tastes in characters anyway . you just happen to WRITE the muses that i dont tend to want to write & would just ... enjoy as characters . but thats fine . its okay . now i have the opportunity to ENJOY seeing them more cause they are written by you !
oh but dont even get me started on your OCs . sarmenti is perhaps my fav . but i am also interested in siv & your other little jester HRNGH ( forgive me i cannot , for the life of me rmmr his name - nichol ? nikola ? jesus i really cant remember i am so so sorry , its been a WHILE since we talked about him & im just BAD with names . but your bard ! the bard ! i love him !! ) honestly , you have such a refined taste in characters & i , for one , think you have IMPECCABLE taste !!! i would go off but im mobile bound so ... yea .
how they play them : seeing as i LITERALLY named the jhin effect after you , i think you already know the answer to this . LOL
but other people dont so let me just tell everybody that like ... HOLY FUCK . i dont think ive cried to others how much i ENJOY your writing but its gotten to the point where i just ... go ' yep thats canon ' . even though i KNOW its not true . but like . i just love your interpretations & portrayals okay ? I think theyre just very neat . i would hope by now that you KNOW that you are my go to for character facts . somebody says something about zhongli ? ' let me ask jhin ' . gerome ? sylvain ? you bet your ass i will be going to you for the french boyos . hell you even got me to love & adore noctis & yusei again after they had been initially ruined for me . ( liked the characters but you know what happened ) oh & dont get me started when i went and asked if you wrote chongyun cause i just NEEDED affirmation that the popsicle lad was being written by somebody i could trust . i am pretty sure that sone of these characters , you dont write on here but EVEN like your portrayals or thoughts / hcs on these characters just make me FEEL better when i know you have an opinion on them because i KNOW that your opinions are honest , true , & very realistic !
oh & you should also know that your reverse gatekeeping is doing wonders since i know for a fucking fact that i have picked up muses cause of you . i will only write muses with you FOR you . you have special rights . just because your writing & portrayal for is just absolutely wonderful & amazing . much love for you !!! Mwah mwah !!
The Mun : me thinks part of you sent this so i can write a 5 page essay on how wonderful & amazing you are cause you really are . & i would do such a thing for you because 1 : you deserve it & 2 : i love you so fucking much .
honestly . you are , by far , one of my closest friends . i am so lucky to have had the opportunity to meet & befriend you . & TO THIS DAY , i still remember how we met . let me tell you , i think about it from time to time . and honestly . i dont regret it . i dont regret it at all . in fact im happy i did it . i literally just send you a dm asking if you had gotten my ask cause i KNOW dumblr eats shit all the time . and your response . my word ... it was the sweetest & softest thing that i have EVER seen . honestly ? YOU are a sweet & soft thing . i tell bailey about you all the time - like i did this morning actually - and even SHE thinks you are a sweet & soft thing . i dont know if i have said this before but . youre amazing . i trust you so much , & i WILL come visit you one day . i swear 🔪
anyway for anybody who doesnt know jhin , just know that i love this man so much . i love his sing songy voice . its very sweet - like honey in tea . i love it when he goes off about the silliest of things . or even the things that he loves the most ( sometimes its about his wife - we love you kyria ! ) . he is a VERY polite man too . like really , it makes ME want to be better at asking beforehand myself .
if you were to ask me what i think about first when i see or hear the name jhin , id always give you a different answer . sometimes i think of a soft lavender purple . other times it is like this weird firehouse red colour . most of the time its like soft but kind of a bright cottoncandy blue . sometimes its just schüsse in die luft playing on repeat . jhin i stfg whenever that plays or of kraftklub plays in general ... its THE band for you . that song is your anthem or something idk . but also sometimes i think about shane koyczan when i think of you . idk . whenever i have a bad day . i think about you & remember all the stuff youve shown me & then i go look for it . hell . whenever i see anything tma or howls moving castle related i go . hehehehe jhin .....
youre such a good friend okay . youre a wonderful person . somebody i go to for advice but somebody i go to just for the sake of like ... Checking to make sure YOURE okay . youre a good person . youre a kind person . & you deserve only the best things .
i love you jhin . mwah !!
DO I ;
RP with them : uh yea LOL . just not on cloud lmfao . though . i still have one more thing to answer for noct . and then i thunk i still need to send more stuff for your other muses .
Want to RP with them : why is this a question ? like duh . but this is & will ALWAYS be a given . not matter which blog i am . ( and suddenly i have zhongzhu brainrot on the mind again WHOOPS )
WHAT IS MY ;
Overall Opinion: blows you a kehiss . for everybody else . understand this : the mun is a jhin simp . we stan jhin in this house .
ABSOLUELY will cry about jhin on command .
10 / 10 will scream about him to you . that man is amazing . im so lucky to know him & consider him a REALLY close & a best friend . i trust him with my life .
**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty
#ooc.#hauntics#positivity.#long post /#/ GODS this is so long .#i WILL go home and add more stuff so if you wanna reblog just wait until i get home .#/ HRNGH#/ anyway i fucking love jhin#/ hes amazing
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@taiqrowweek
SINCE ALL THE FICS ARE SAD im going to go ahead and make a happy one. (Well... its bullet notes so maybe more of a fic outline?). Can be consider as Free Day or AU Day since its canon divergence
Ive been dying to see a Tai comes to Atlas fic so im making this one a reunion in Atlas fic
Qrow isnt in Atlas when Tai arrives. Hes out on a Amity Tower mission with Clover
Qrow and Clover are actually in the middle of flirting with each other when Qrow gets the call
Its Ruby and shes talking so fast Qrow cant understand a single thing. "Woah Ruby slow down. Whats going on" theres a deep gasping breath and then "DAD IS HERE. DAD IS IN ATLAS"
Qrow is stunned. Tai made it to Atlas?
Clover is thinking about how on Earth he could of gotten into the Kingdom.
Qrow finds out through Yang (she had to take Ruby's phone away since she wouldnt stop screaming) that the girls are waiting for Tai since Ironwood is having Winter personally escort him (Qrow figures that either he got arrested on arrival like they did or that Ironwood wants to know everything Tai knows about Salem despite being removed from the situation since STRQ fell apart)
Clover notifies him that they wont be able to get back to the city for another three hours, and then Qrow tells the girls, who are disappointed but tell him theyll "let Dad know when he gets here"
Most of the way back Clover is trying to get information out of Qrow about what Tai is like. Its both friendly small talk and adding to what Clover knows about this group of children + Qrow. The group is part of Ironwood's inner circle now which makes them important
Qrow briefly wonders how his reception will be. These days hes always the one coming to see Tai, and its 50-50 on if Tai's happy to see Qrow. Qrow considers running away from the encounter entirely but hes trying to be a better man now and that means sobriety and facing his problems. Besides he'll have to see Tai eventually
So lets backtrack a bit. Tai and Qrow used to be a thing wayyyy back in the day. Defining their romantic relationship is complicated. They tried dating before Tai ever got with Raven and it only lasted a few days because they realized the attraction was just sexual so they went back to being teammates who makeout when theyre drunk (thats how they decided to start dating in the first place). So through the early years they were Friends With Benefits. After the dark years of Raven and Summer they became Friends With Benefits That Only Get Together When Theyre Feeling Heartbroken. Its sad sex and half the time one of them is crying. Their friendship is good while the the girls are young. They disagree on a lot of things when it comes to the girls as they get older. That animosity plus arguments about Qrow's  espionage job plus Qrow's worsening alcoholism are the reason theyve drifted far apart today. Theyve still been through so much together so that history and Qrow's dedication to being a uncle are the only things holding their friendship together.
So anyways lets get to the good stuff. The reunion:
Tai is actually waiting for Qrow at the garage
The girls are with him because they missed him. Ruby has her arms around him while talking and Yang is standing besides them smiling
Qrow gets a little scared. The fact Tai is waiting for him doesnt bode well. Him and Tai try to have their disagreements when the girls arent present. Qrow thinks its fair to assume that Tai is so absolutely pissed at him that he cannot wait another moment to yell at him. Clover goes "i guess you wont have to hunt him down after all. He mustve really missed you all" and Qrow really hopes thats the reason
Qrow decides to break the ice before it forms by insulting Tai as he's getting out of the truck
"Two and a half continents away and i still cant escape the sight that is your hideous cargo pants" "says the man who's idea of fashion is a 25 year old ripped cape"
As soon as Qrow gets close enough Tai puts his hands on his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and yells "YOU GOT POISONED"
Turns out Tai was just worried about him after Ruby explained what happened on her trek through Mistral
After answering his questions they hug and its the kind of hug where you sway a little bit
For the next few hours Tai yells at Ruby for running away, Tai yells at Qrow for going sober and not telling him, and Qrow goes with Tai to meet Ironwood (and stop Ironwood from asking too many questions. Hes actually soley focused on Salem and he doesnt even ask Tai how he got through his military blockade)
That night in Qrow's room Tai explains to Qrow how he got there. He lied to the girls. Made up some story that had plenty of holes in it. It was Raven. She opened her portal to Yang as far away as she could and Tai landed there. She had come to him after Haven, told him a few things but clearly left most of it out. Tai managed to get her to promise to take him to the group whenever they got to Atlas and had adjusted.
He came for two reasons. 1) to see exactly how close his children were to Salem. 2) to see if he could protect his kids any way he could, knowing they wouldnt back out now. But the reason he was telling Qrow all this (instead of sticking to his if-it-involved-Raven-i-dont-talk-about-it mentality) was because of one of the few things she mentioned about Haven: the disowning.
Tai wanted him to know that despite all their problems that Qrow was still his family. Not because Raven is still legally married to Tai, not because hes Yang's blood uncle, but because Qrow has been apart of Tai's life and chosen family as far back as STRQ.
Qrow's felt like a outsider to Tai ever since (and every time) things got serious with whoever Tai's dating. Qrow felt like a third wheel when Tai was with Raven, and Qrow was to raw from the increasingly strained relationship with Raven to let go of Summer and Tai when they got together. And ever since Qrow has felt like he was there in Tai's life but no longer apart of it. Even after Tai recovered from his depression, Qrow felt like a visitor in the house he still considers his home despite being called "uncle".
And Tai knows Qrow broke ties with Tribe soon after Beacon, and Raven hadnt truely been his sister in 20 years, but to have what you known from literal birth taken from you still hurt. And now Tai knows Qrow isnt drinking so the only way he can cope is by not thinking about it.
So Tai had to tell Qrow what he meant to him
And when he found out about Tyrian he realized Qrow couldve died not knowing Tai still loves him
Tai ends up ranting about all the things he loves about Qrow, about how he regrets that almost every word said to Qrow in the last 15 years has been unkind
Qrow is now confused to if this is a fixing my mistakes kind of thing or a love confession
So he asks
And Tai gets a little sheepish because it was a fixing my mistakes because i love you thing but a little past halfway into his rant he realized hes IN love with Qrow and has been for a while now
And Qrow decides f it. Tai is doing his embarrassed thing Qrow still finds cute even now when theyre middle aged adults getting their first gray hairs. So Qrow gets up from the cheap academy table theyre sitting at and kisses Tai
"After the world stops ending do you wanna try that dating thing again?" "You think we'll make it past one week this time?" "I actually meant since you havent gone on a date in about 15 years." "Oh. Well im pretty sure you havent been on a proper date since Beacon" "Are you gonna take me on a proper date then?" "Yeah"
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(red flags look like normal flags when you’re wearing) rose-tinted glasses
pairing: Tom Hiddleston x platonic!reader
style: one shot
WC: 2.7k
summary: requested by anonymous on tumblr: “Reader is small and have an Danish Dog, thats actually an giant drool dog. While she's taking the dog to the park he start running with Bob while on the tab and he keeps pulling her until Tom saves her. Then Bobby start growling at her, and they think that is bcs he's jealous...”
warnings: angst, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS, ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, ANIMAL ABUSE, please note the abuse, this fic contains it
A/N: this was really hard to write and i want it to be clear that ive never been in an abusive relationship so ive done my best to portray it and how hard it is to break out of it, but i dont have firsthand information. please let me know if something seems unrealistic or weird. i want you all to know that there are explicit abuse, but that it's not very violent but it still has an emotional impact. please don't read if you know it won't be good for you, and there is a happy ending even tho ive made the relationship between reader and tom platonic (that's more for realistic purposes).
The tall man startles as the bark sounds through the park. You widen your eyes at the sight of the little brown the male walks with.
No, no, no , you think.
Your dog, or actually your boyfriend’s dog, is rather big. The giant of a dog also barks whenever he sees brown dogs (as if the dog can be racist, honestly you have no idea how it works, but there are many things that can be the reason), and the dog that man walks with―
You don’t want to think about it.
Nor do you get the chance as your tight grip on the leash seems to be your downfall. The dog has almost leapt into the air as the barks rip through the quiet silence of the park.
“Yoshi! Stop!” you yell, but to no avail. He keeps running, stronger than you even as you put your heels down on the ground and try to brake.
The tall male has turned around. You send him a pleading look as your dog, almost literally, attacks his little one. In the sudden change of speed, where Yoshi goes from running and barking to hopping around and barking, you trip over your own feet and find yourself on your way to face planting with the ground below.
A pair of strong arms around your hips keep you from falling and you’re put back up on your feet with your back pressed to a muscular chest. As you regain your balance, the arms fall away. They don’t go far, only to grip the leash of your dog in an attempt to help your arm not dislocate.
“Thank you,” you say as you crouch down to keep Yoshi under control. He’s stopped barking, and with your soft strokes along his neck, he stops hopping, too.
“You’re welcome,” replies your saviour.
Standing up, you find a handsome male looking at you. Curly ginger hair, the most reassuring smile you have ever seen, and gentle blue-green eyes that makes you feel at ease. The way his eyes trace over you make you drag down the sleeve of your jacket slightly, and then you return his smile to the best of your abilities.
“He can be a little unruly at times, I’m so sorry.” You press your lips together in a tight lipped smile, shaking your head to let your hair come back to the front and cover your neck where your scarf fails. “I think something might’ve happened when he was a puppy because he only reacts to brown dogs.”
The stranger’s smile crinkles his eyes and he lets out a slight chuckle. Your heart beats faster at the sound. You will it to shut up. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “I’m Tom, by the way.”
“I’m Y/N.” You swallow the lump in your throat. Throat dry and heart steadily beating faster, the pounding like a drum inside your head. “I’m sorry, again. For the whole… thing. But I should get going now.”
With a little tug of Yoshi’s leash you turn to continue down the path you were headed. A wait from Tom has you turn back around. He steps closer to you, tugging with him his own dog that so far seems rather docile and that you find super cute.
“Could I possibly get your number?” he asks.
If your heart hadn’t already lodged itself in your throat from talking to him, it definitely shot there now. With a steady breath (as steady as you can) you nod. “Yeah, sure.” And you take the phone Tom hands you.
It takes no time typing in your number, but you nearly drop the phone when Tom’s dog starts barking at you. Big dog eyes that look at you, nose high in the air and the barking growing steadily louder as he continues.
Tom frowns at his dog as he accepts his phone. He shakes his head and tugs at the leash, telling ‘Bobby’ to quiet and that there’s nothing to bark about. “I’m sorry,” he says. “He’s probably a little jealous.”
You try for a smile and a soft laugh but it comes out more strained. “Yes, jealous. Makes sense, I guess.” With a deep sigh, you turn to look at Tom again. “Again, so sorry. I guess I’ll hear from you. Bye.”
And now you leave with Yoshi in tow before Tom can stop you.
You wonder what he’ll do if he finds out you won’t answer his messages. Wonder if he’ll do the same as your boyfriend does whenever you forget to answer or don’t do something as he wants.
After all, fear was the only reason you did give Tom your phone number. That reassuring smile fools no one, and those gentle eyes are the same gentle ones he uses in front of others.
Sorry, Tom, but I won’t exchange him for someone worse . Even if I might deserve it .
---
The door is unlocked when you get home. The shoe rack kicked over and the few sets of jackets that hung in the closet have found their way to the floor. Your heart stops beating as fear settles in your gut.
This is never good, but neither is cleaning it up before he allows you to, so you kick off your own shoes and let your jacket fall to the floor instead of hanging it up. You unclasp Yoshi’s leash and let him pad into the living room and greet his owner.
Clenching your eyes shut, you regret letting the dog go in before you. The whimper has tears forming in your eyes. You will them back. You can’t cry. Crying just leads to a worse… you don’t know exactly what to call it.
“Babe?” you call as you take the steps in after the dog.
Your boyfriend’s rage filled face meets you. He’s locked the dog in its too small cage, and he hits Yoshi on the snout rather hard as the dog lets out another whimper.
“Babe, huh?” The retort has your gut churn, nervousness courses through your veins. “What the fuck took you so long?!”
There goes the level voice. You keep from closing your eyes, embracing for impact. He likes it more when you face him head on, as if it’s some kind of challenge. Pressing your lips closed, you let your eyes wander over his face.
You note the down-tug of his lips, the anger boiling like a hot fire in his eyes, and the flare of his nose as his form towers over you. “Bitch, I asked you a fucking question! What the fuck took you so long?!”
“Yo-Yoshi saw a… a dog. I-I couldn’t hold him back and we-we went on a detour.” God, you sound weak. I am weak , you think, too weak .
“Couldn’t hold him back, my ass.” He takes a step closer to you. Your body moves on its own when it takes a step back. It continues until your back collides with the wall and he locks you in. “Give me your phone!”
You fish your phone out of your pocket and pray to God Tom hasn’t texted you. You haven’t gotten the chance to block his number yet and if he has texted you, well, life for the next three days will be even worse than usual. You’d deserve it, too, probably.
Fear the only thing holding your body up, you hold your breath as he checks. First when he throws it away with a silent grunt and it lands on the couch, and he doesn’t yell, do you let yourself breathe again.
“Fucking good for you there was nothing there.” His voice is a rough whisper, hoarse and with an underlying tone of want. He doesn’t say more before he presses his lips to yours, pinning your arms to the wall and pressing your head against it.
When one of his hands falls to your hip, pressing you close to him, pressing you close to the growing bulge in his pants, you know it’ll bruise. Just like you know the grip on your wrist will bruise and that you won’t be able to walk in the next twenty four to thirty six hours.
You know because that’s how it always is.
How it always has been.
---
[07.47] Unknown number
Hi, this is Tom. I didn’t have time to send a text yesterday, but I still wanted to tell you that I would like to meet you again. Hope that’s possible. - Tom
[08.29] Unknown number
I know you haven’t replied yet, and it’s probably because you have yet to wake up, but when you do, would you be up for a cup of coffee? Either lunch or breakfast, whatever sounds best for you? - Tom
[11.32] you
Hi, Tom. This is Y/N. Very sorry, but I can’t meet with you. I have plans all week and the next months. Work is taking my time, so is having a boyfriend and friends. Very sorry about my dog, again, but thank you for saving me from the ground. Have a lovely life.
🛇 Blocked
To move this conversation out of Archived and get messages again, unblock xxxxx-xxxxx
Unblock
---
You’re unsure what it is that has you think the thought. It pops up from nowhere, really, but it still sounds… reasonable.
With aching moves, you pack your things. A suitcase is more than enough for everything you own (your boyfriend keeping your hobbies to a fair minimum), and everything for Yoshi.
As you pack the bare essentials, your body shakes. Every few pieces of clothing thrown into the suitcase lands outside on the floor and your heart hammers in your chest. In the bathroom, finding your toothbrush, you hear a noise from the hallway and your heart shoots into your chest. Rushing out and to the living room, you only find Yoshi with one of his toys.
Tears prick at the back of your eyes. Fear an ever lurking presence. Putting the leash on Yoshi, you hope he isn’t close. You fumble with the clasp and use far longer than you would have liked to put it on, but thankfully, the dog’s big eyes and somewhat smile and the wagging of his tail, helps put you at ease.
His work day still has three more hours, meaning he won’t be here for another four. That should be enough time, right? More than enough time…
You leave the door unlocked, having left the key to the apartment on the kitchen counter. If anyone robs it… you fear the repercussions, but by the time he comes home, he shouldn’t be able to find you.
Even as you walk with Yoshi and the suitcase down the street, finding a taxi and asking him to take you to the police station, you don’t know what has settled in you. You don’t know where this is coming from. This… courage.
You’re unsure whether it was the show you saw last night where the relationship between the two romantic leads, even when they were alone, never had any hitting or bruising or anger in the same way he shows. Or if it was Tom, and the way his face still sits at the back of your mind. How you’d compared his gentle eyes and reassuring smile to his fake mask in front of others.
Has it really taken you so long to see the difference? To see that Tom’s, despite how instilled with fear you were, actually showed genuine compassion and care, and his is always with an extra layer that it takes a lot of study to see (but what else do you use your time on when you can’t look at others when you’re out?).
You pay the cab driver as he drops you off and you find your way into the police station. It takes a long half hour before you walk out again and sit down on the curb. It takes another three hours to stop crying and shaking. In those three hours, Yoshi lies his head in your lap and lets the weight of him being close reassure you. A man who tries to help and ask what’s wrong is quickly barked away by the dog guarding you.
It warms your heart.
A police officer on her way home asks you what’s wrong, and, as you don’t tell, she tells you to contact someone. She also leads you into the waiting room and tells you to sit there until you find help, even if help doesn’t come from the police. In the hour you sit there, you delete the find my phone app and you block him and everyone associated with him on everything you can remember you share. You wish you’d done it sooner.
In your phone, you’re left with few options.
The unblock button is easy to press. The text is everything but easy to send. Your fingers shake as you type, and there are countless spelling mistakes. Finding them all takes a few minutes, and even after telling yourself you’ll send it, your finger hovers over the send button.
Exactly seven minutes and thirty-eight seconds later (you counted), your finger falls down and you press the send button. Watching it turn blue has your heart beat faster and faster, and you press back the tears pricking at your eyes. Swallowing hurts as your throat is unbearably dry.
The reply comes a lot faster than you would expect, and it helps ease some of the fear lodged in your body. The tears that fall now are a mixture of relief and fear, and Yoshi lying his head down in your lap again helps you regain your composure.
Tom picks you and Yoshi up at the police station half an hour later. He offers up his guest bedroom, but you refuse, saying you’ll stay at a hotel until you can find something. You don’t refuse his offer of going somewhere to talk over a cup of coffee.
He helps you find a hotel that allows dogs, helps you check in (unlisted) and joins you for a walk with Yoshi before you find a quiet cafe to sit down at. You sit outside, Yoshi quiet by your feet, but regarding everyone who passes by with a steady look. Being a big dog, you see more than one person a little frightened. It warms your heart.
And the coffee in front of you warms your hands.
“Thank you, Tom,” you say, after the silence becomes too much. “I haven’t told you anything about why but you’re still willing to help. Thank you.”
Tom smiles. One of his hands leaves his cup and when it comes close to yours, you instinctively flinch―though you don’t move it (that has never gone over well in the past). Tom’s hand hovers over yours and his eyes study you as his brows crease into a frown. Your heart pounds in your chest. “I won’t ask, but I hope I can help. However you need.”
Taking a deep breath, you bite your lower lip and look down at your hands. Both now clench around your coffee cup. The steam rises in the cool air and the smell stirs something in your gut, something that has tears prick at the back of your eyes. You let your hearts incessant pounding die down before you look up Tom.
“I could use a friend,” you say, eventually. The smile you try to show is crooked and unsure, and you know the fright is visible through it.
Tom still smiles. His eyes are gentle and reassuring, and it warms you that there actually does exist someone who doesn’t raise his voice at weakness and vulnerability. Someone who wants to help, and who doesn’t demand answers.
You could use a friend. A friend who lets you find your own way and lets you take your time.
“Anything you need, Y/N,” replies Tom. “Time, space, money, a hug, a friend . Anything.”
This time, when you smile, it crinkles by your eyes. It’s still crooked and unsure, but most of the fright is gone.
You’ve finally taken off the rose-tinted glasses.
A/N: you’ve reached the end so please let me know that you’re alright, i care!
permanent tags: @devilbat @adefectivedetective @gamillian @he-is-chaotic-she-is-psychotic @heartislubbingdubbing @wiczer @chillcan @geeksareunique @fandom-imagines1 @murdermornings
tom tags: @inlovewith3 @bookgirlunicorn @mindlesschicca @justawriterinprogress @wolfsmom1 @loser-alert @satanskatze @timetravelingsociopathicwalker
#tom hiddleston#tom hiddleston x reader#tom hiddleston imagine#tom hiddleston fanfic#tom hiddleston fanfiction#tom hiddleston drabble#fanfic#fanfiction#reader insert#loki#twh#thomas william hiddleston#tw: abusive relationship#tw: abusive boyfriend#tw: abuse#abuse#abusive relationship#angst#angst with a happy ending#animal abuse#platonic tom hiddleston x reader#platonic reader
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OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 19
IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY IS SCREAMING, CONSTANTLY, TRAPPED IN THEIR PERFECT NIGHTMARE:
Glynda was saying: “I know we aren’t friends. I know we aren’t partners. I know you’re a criminal. But—I think I can trust you. I think I have to trust you, even if you’ve done awful things before.”
EVERYTHING GOES WRONG BUT LIKE SOMEHOW WORSE THAN EVER? LIKE A WHOLE NEW BRAND OF LOW. LIKE CINDER’S GOT A PICKAXE AND THE CENTRE OF THE PLANET CALLS FOR AID.
IT’S BEEN A WHILE HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but dw offal hunt, like the rising of the sun, the arrival of winter, and the eventual downfall of capitalism, always returns. so lets go.
(i just quickly reread chapter 18 liveblog to remember what happened and Ah Yes I Remember Now. The Suppressed Memories)
The place was emptier without Glynda. Quieter.
/gunshot
oh we’re in danger right out of the gate huh? we got some yearning right out here? right now? how quickly the turn do tables.
Cinder appraised her work, holding the beige coat up to the light and squinting.
man i forgot. i FORGET. how much i just love cinder in this fic. sometimes she kinda zones to the back of my mind where she sits waiting for me to start thinking about her again, but now i remember that this cinder is Peaque. look at her GO, minding her own BUSINESS. im proud of her. does she know i love her.
It didn’t take long to don her new, fire-proofed clothes.
in another world, in a more comical plot, she used asbestos. it didnt go well.
The subtle warmth of the Dust teased tension from Cinder’s stiff muscles, even as she marvelled at the strangeness of her own bedroom’s space. It seemed bigger now than it had the last two nights.
h
She chose not to dwell on it.
h
i choose to dwell on it! ME!!!! I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT. HEY CINDER WHAT THIS GAY SHIT. hello. ma’am. can we look deeper into this. i, for one, would like to, and i, for one, think its of value to think abt this. that said, small segue
Quietly, Cinder murmured, “I didn’t freak out.”
THE FACT SHE SAYS IT ALOUD LIKE EM AND MERC CAN HEEEEEEAR HEEEEEEEER i am. INFATUATED with this family. cant wait for the 100k spinoff thats basically an elongated beach episode where they go to like. alton towers. or butlins. six flags??? thats a thing in america right??? anyway. beach episode. call me. (wink wink nudge nudge push push shove shove)
We had to stop back in because Merc left his favorite binder, and it was 2 in the morning, so it was easier to crash here for the night than mess with the ship’s autopilot.
them,,, THEM!!!! mercury is just a son and childe. thast it. he canot change this. i love these kids so much i am SHAKING THE MONITOR RN!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA
Stuck here in one of the homes they’d shared, Cinder missed them terribly. Missed the sound of their voices and the easy comfort of their presence. Finding the time to contact them had been difficult, between managing Glynda and Hati both, but Glynda was gone, and she’d sent Hati onwards to Atlas. She remembered her call with Emerald, before arriving in Umbraroot; she knew it had not soothed her or her fears.
im sorry was this chapter targeted at me, specifically, as a human being on planet earth? GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!! THIS WONKY OLD BANDAGED UP FAMILY UNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thrive every time they are mentioned on the page. it is a blessing. my succulents grow stronger each time they show up.
“No,” Cinder argued softly, “I had to. Mercury, you deserve to hear it from me as well. I am sorry. And I am promising you: I’ll come back.”
For a long, heart-wrenching moment, he was completely quiet. It was good that Cinder was alone in the apartment; laying herself bare like this would be unbearable with an audience.
GODDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i am OBSESSED WITH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS UNTIL I D I E. of all thing the remaster does better than og, this is just. SPEEDING AHEAD. this whole CONFLICT this whole MESS just makes everything so much RICHER its like when u splash some wine in yr fancy food or stick some cinnamon on yr favourite desserts u dont NEED TO but it adds that lil SOMETHING,,, that little KICK that just ties the flavour profile together and in this case ofgughugguhu it just GIVES SO MUCH. im making SNOW ANGELS in the WORDS on the PAGE.
“Mercury. If I could prove it to you, I would. But you have to—trust me. For just a while longer.”
“It’s getting harder,” he said. He didn’t sound like he was lying just to hurt her. That wasn’t spite. That was honest anger. And it made her feel like dirt.
im less picking these for specific instances of like, things i want to say, but more just because bits of this r rly just so /chef kiss. cinder has these.... endearingly (take that whichever way u like) human qualities in OG to rly make u realise she had ties to add to her #Doubt but the remaster is just AMPING it up and u FEEL IT and ive never been more SYMPATHETIC to a round-faced sinnamon bun of assholery and fire id DIE for cinder fall and this is a fact PUT IT ON MY GRAVESTONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Is there anything you need?” What was this? Cinder could barely focus on her words. It felt like... “Anything? At all?”
“We’re fine.”
“Mercury, wait please—” She was losing him. “I think—”
“Just hurry up.”
The line went dead.
this place is not a place of honor.................. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here........................ nothing valued is here................ IM DYING
Cinder began to type out her response, and that was when the nausea really kicked in.
[...]
She recognized this now.
Glynda.
stress stress stress stress STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
There shouldn’t be anybody. Cinder had done everything in her power to cut Glynda from people who would interfere. To isolate her. Make it easier to bring her to Atlas, to the frozen north, to her mother and the machine…
Cinder’s esophagus quivered; furiously, she shut her eyes and thought of nothing.
god cinder don’t remind me that you’re an asshole and dipshit and also a moron im trying to be NICE and CARE ABT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP REMINDING ME YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The front door clicked open.
Cinder couldn’t have said how much time had passed, only that it had passed slowly. What she did know was that it was Glynda returning, the sensation of boils bursting wafting off her soul. It crawled over Cinder’s flesh. She curled in on herself.
There were mites under every nailbed. Salt in her weeping mouth.
offal hunt’s brilliant use of this horror aspect is something i have tried previously to emulate and here’s a fact, take it from me: that shit is HARD. offal hunt consistently able to whack those real nasty, really Disgusting vibes on the head EVERY TIME is a work of art. i mean, kc and diesel do not fuck around, and therefore i am NOT surprised, but it’s only when u try this shit yourself that you realise: this is hard! this is difficult! it’s a huge testament to how GOOD this fic is in every way. also this whole fucking body horror aspect is something i didnt know this fic needed, but it did, and here we are.
Thickly: “Things were going okay. If you hadn’t gotten nasty, I might have smoothed things over. I could have fixed things with my son.”
with my son
with my son
with my son
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CANT TAKE IT EVERY TIME ITS TOO MUCH FOR TO BEAR I CANNOT HANDLE IT I CANNOT STAND IT ITS LIKE BEING SHOT JUST DIRECTLY IN MY DICK
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
im like sweating rn
Glynda said, “I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
I SAID IM SWEATING
Glynda asked, “Are you lying to me?”
And Cinder said, “What?”
“About me. About Witches. About Ozpin—” Cinder’s guts went sour. “—About anything. I need to know if I can trust you.”
I SAID I! AM! S W E A T I N G
“I know you’ve lied to people. Hurt people.”
Adrenaline and the image of her kids’ faces behind her eyes made a potent, sick cocktail. “—Not. Now.”
so lets like double back to when i said hey was this chapter written to target me specifically and as it turns out, yes. yes it was. yes it was and as MUCH AS I AM LIVING FOR THIS MOMENT THIS SWEET BUILDUP THE EXPLOSION AND THE CRATER IT ALL LEAVES BEHIND
I
AM
so this next bit is like. i cant really quote one section but as i was saying in Vague DMs, this whole bit feels like wading through mud. usually if you say something consumes energy to Read it’s in a Bad Way when yr bored but this is more like. you Feel cinder all over everything feels so sluggish and it’s like dragging your own corpse around as you try and leave and you’re TIRED and your LEGS HURT and you’re kinda thinking god what if i just fell face down for just a moment of my LIFE.
The putrid weight of Glynda’s soul filled the room until there was no space left for her.
it’s like being trapped in a sauna, like getting stuck in a humid waiting room. where do you GO. what do you DO. god this whole section is fantastic and offal hunt NEVER fails to fucking nail the Vibes but reading it is HARD. i literally keep having to stop and breathe like ive been holding my breath. jesus h christ.
a small intermission for a mood:
“Get fucked.”
back to regularly scheduled hell
Out of the bedroom. Down the hall. The walls were sweating with heat. She tasted smoke.
i love that i just said how i feel like im trapped in a sauna and it turns out: thats because me and cinder both, baybee!!!! hahahaha help
Glynda’s soul chewed her to the marrow. “Move, Glynda.”
cinder being hunted at the start of this fic: teehee! im running away! now im gonna getcha! heehee! arent i clever :)
cinder being hunted now: this uh. this blows, actually,
Cinder’s pulse roared in her ears. Her hands twitched. She smelled Ochre Brown’s round face melting off. His wide smile shattered with each of his teeth, going black and popping like corn.
this chapter is probably my favourite so far for this blending of so many elements. i cant even begin to like. THINK STRAIGHT about how all of this is tying together. the lore. the THEMATICS. like i said this character rly is just Rich with what og lacked and oh is it RICH. im gonna read this chapter in future and see so much that i know ive already missed. holy shit.
“Ms. Fall,” she said. “The White Fang requires your presence immediately.”
NOT NOW
Cinder stood there looking at it for a moment. Her thoughts were slow. Copper-tinged. Something small and indulgent whispered to her through the blood-fog.
It was obvious enough what would happen if she got into this car. The driver would take her to a secluded place, where she would be ambushed by a squadron of battle-hungry White Fang grunts.
They’d try to take her down. And she was a killer, wasn’t she? Ochre Brown wailed in her ears with every thump of her runaway heart. Her hands itched for action; her teeth, for blood.
She’d burn them black.
never mind! you are already dead,
She thought about Glynda. About her saying that if there was trouble with the Fang, she wanted to come. That she would fight for Cinder.
She thought of Glynda’s question: What aren’t you telling me about Ochre Brown?
Yeah, fuck that.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE MOMENTOUSLY: WHAT A CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is EASILY my favourite chapter so far. EASILY. everything about this was peak offal. the relationships. the dynamics. the dialogue. the vibes. the Grossness. the fighting. the EVERYTHING. this is some other level and its BITCHIN. PEAK. that said im now very tired. im going to have a cup of tea and Consider Things for a few hours. brb.
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homestuck recap
i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there
anyways here it is
also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)
also that this is long
you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance
ive been coping with humor to get me through it
neato.
have fun with what i suffered through:
why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?
like did i miss a page???
OH its the beta version of HS thats why
damn its like 5 pages and thats it
mmh
well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.
do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”
thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.
god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did
i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now
cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz
flashbacks are starting up already
yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl
that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.
OH W A IT SHIT
i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place
my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.
oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that
little did rose know where that would get her right now
oh yeah
there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.
still think shes some weird spy or secret agent
i kinda love her ngl
anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?
oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf
and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red
huh, how times change
i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again
yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?
OH that makes also much more sense
bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.
i gotcha
man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat
are you
telling me
the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?
THE EGG
THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”
of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this
man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt
damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet
okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig
man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow
the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?
we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks
oh yeah that reveal
god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh
bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog
who lowkey
is doing better than bro
who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao
dreambot = terminator. im telling you.
sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”
why is the entire game session highlighted
i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY
okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout
which is honestly cool
idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.
yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching
yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.
especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION
pls can this be the halfway point to the recap
AT LEAST
so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.
speaking of jack
man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl
OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN
and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.
also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..
she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far
oh yeah okay
but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?
anyways
exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.
noice
i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.
yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute
fuck yeah the dick head
hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them
anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”
UH WHAT
WHAT
OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO
THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!
so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.
which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.
and jade is space. witch of space.
nice
i have no idea what that means ngl
okay finally
we’re at the trolls
maybe this recap will end soon
i remember when i thought they were internet bullies
yesss
someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke
it be like that, i annoy many
then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse
imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens
ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that
nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background
i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes
but theyre trying
OH MY GOD
I GET IT
FUCK
DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??
AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS
GOD D A M N
wow
i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”
flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans
anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really
he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song
i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh
trolling strategies
anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.
i wonder why it explodes
more importantly
....
terminator time?
this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.
absolutely gold.
all except AT’s rap.
GC was the only smart one with the linear shit
anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so
that will be fun for the future
john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there
yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things
OH and the white queen was the cursive
damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk
oHHH
i fucking SEE
thats why he said DNA
to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean
fucking neat wow
man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log
so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.
derse is very pretty, ngl
and wow shit
“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just
do that, awake in both places at once
i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow
ah yes, around the time things got confusing
okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao
the more you know i guess *twinkle*
i find that a neat concept tho
like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit
yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future
no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend
fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say
i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm
and then everything else just made me sad again
i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?
we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk
fucking DAVESPRITE
damn idk how that works
will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?
“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?
okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box
bc i thought he used his knife?
im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew
alright okay..
god that was a lot
i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE
#homestuck#homestuck liveblog#hs65#hs65 end#act4#pg1674#THANK FUCK FUCKING CHRIST#THIS TOOK ME A SOLID 4 HOURS IN TOTAL TO DO#INCLUDING PROCRASTINATION THO#LIKE I DID SNIPPETS WHILE I WAS AT WORK#AND THE MAJORITY LAST NIGHT#GOD#NEVER AGAIN#anyways#i learned some new stuff but then again this isnt even worth it for you all#like i didnt even say anything witty enough for it to be at least entertaining#just 'man that was cool'#and other synonyms of that sentence#im so sorry this took so long#and was tedious to read
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quick vent
because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.
Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.
my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.
not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.
I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK
And then i get shit for it
love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.
I am so lonely.
I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.
why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home
does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?
The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt
how am i a person who shares so little yet so much
BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me
but how fucked up am i
and will that push them away
im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting
and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.
im exhausted
One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it
i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD
I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around
Matt
He makes me question if im asexual
But I am only a human
porbably deifntieyl still asexual
but too much all the same
Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for
hours.
this is becoming poetry.
I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record
stop being poetic fuck off liz
he;s so
I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time
we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun
because voices is what we like to do
i love voice acitng
he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do
he likes what i do
he loves the characters and my many talents
he loves my writing
he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends
is it for me?
does he want... me
or just my character maggie that everyone loves
he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer
he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am
i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly
he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth
“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”
“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME
its been so long since ive been understood by a peer
(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)
“No, not yet at least.”
*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*
“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”
thank you isha for lightening the mood
thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.
my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed
soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.
just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did
sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.
i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.
I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all
i was comfortable with the idea but
it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.
i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.
I will respect him to tell me.
he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)
I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me
i felt young again
when the stream was over he got up to leave.
i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word
i dont know if we did
we made small talk
shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening
i agreed.
the last words that night were goodnights.
me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him
he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)
it was a nice night
when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier
i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video
i just went to sleep
2 am
i hope the weather continues
- jaques cruzio, pink panther
now im just in bed
at the family home
not my dorm
fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest
i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago
and here we are
12:14 am
just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.
i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.
I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.
i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life
because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes
(so far)
thanks for listening, void.
actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.
proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.
or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.
I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.
i like in person better.
with anyone.
always have
i have so much more on my mind
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i live in az. ive been out of school for 2 years now (i think i sent u an ask related to school recently so if it sounds familiar YES i am back to bother!!) bUT im supposed to start back on the 31 & my self harm has gotten a lot worse since then & my arms are both pretty covered so it really is kinda the first impression people get of me & idk if im ready for that. on top of everything else about school thats getting to me, im worrying so much about this & its fricken 100+ degrees everyday /:
hey love. hmmm i'm sorry to hear that, unfortunately this is one of those struggles that comes along with self harming that no one really wants to talk about. is it possible to discuss it with your teachers so you guys can come to a compromise? about possibly being able to modify your uniform or being able to wear long sleeves even just during class? you could take a light sweater so you don't overheat. i know it feels embarrassing to be so open and outright about it, but it seems like the only option as far as 'hiding the scars' goes. if your teachers can see that they will be a distraction and that they make you uncomfortable then they may let you wear something else, even if they're not happy about it. it really doesn't hurt to ask when possible. it might also help to use scar cream on the older wounds to help them fade. you could also bandage the cuts up if you have to wear short sleeves. yeah, that will still draw attention, and yeah people will ask but at the end of the day you don't owe them the truth or an answer. let them talk, let them wonder. it doesn't change what actually happened. and literally nobody is entitled to that information anyway. curiosity isn't always hostile and usually just comes from a place of boredom. and yeah, kids can be ignorant and rude because they're insecure and immature - it's about them, and what they lack. not about you, or your worth, or what you deserve. they'll find any reason to be a dickhead to others. also, to be honest, after the initial slight awkwardness, i'm sure people will stop noticing the scars as much, once they realize you're not going to talk about it. the pressure of going to a new school and the emotional turmoil it brings probably makes it feel like it's going to be the beginning and end of your world, but it's not. you will get by a day at a time. anxiety often causes you to think in absolutes, to expect worse case scenarios. but you can't trust that narrative every time, it affords no room for nuance or realism. look, it's totally normal to be nervous, even if it is frustrating. but as long as you remember that there is always additional support available and that you are deserving of friendship and happiness regardless of what's on your arms, you're going to be alright. you are. to be honest this is just reason number 34542 as to why self harming just isn't fuckin worth it. i'm not saying you have to immediately stop or anything, because obviously that's unrealistic. and i know how hard it is to fight the urge bc i'm still struggling with it at 19. but working on minimizing your reliance on it as a coping mechanism, being able to identify pointlessly self destructive thoughts, and trying to be honest with those who care about you are all great ways to begin overcoming it. and maybe you won't be successful every time, but that's okay. if you're doing what you can to harm yourself less, to meet those small goals, then you're doing great. there will always be a part of you that says fuck effort fuck everything i can't do it, but you've already proven that voice wrong. it sounds cheesy but i can't stress the importance of making tiny changes and practicing self compassion during this stressful time in your life. hopefully in a few months you'll be able to look back from a place of hindsight and feel calmer about it all. you just have to give yourself that time to adapt before you start writing everything off as awful. anyway i hope your teachers hear you out and that you're able to find a way to protect your privacy. there had to be something, and if not, know that peoples attention spans are short as hell and eventually it'll barely be a point of discussion. i really good you're okay and i'm wishing you good luck with a my heart!!! let me know if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this properly, i'll be here and i do understand to an extent. sending love.
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i feel like every once in a while i want to make a whole rant here just for the good ol times. plus i think everyone across the world is most likely asleep or busy and i kind of like being in between that time.
ive been meaning to rant but i feel like i dont have any right to really complain about anything really. i dont have it that bad. i have a wonderful husband. three cats. i have food and a roof (lol while it lasts). idk i feel like my complains are very minor.
but tbh i dont really have any friends and any friends that i did/do have i kind of dont. i use the term friend... very lightly too. theyre.. people. idk i just... kind of destroy friendships and/or ignore them enough that they just kind of disappear. friendships are like a plant. i kill plants and/or forget they need water. or my cat eats them.
i went through a period when i began dating jack that i felt so enthralled with the idea of my entire life being dedicated just for him. my everything is just... for jack. everything. i dont need anyone or anything else. i know how unhealthy it was. hell, i’m still sort of like that. of course, jack isn’t like that back. jack is a smart human being, he has healthy relationships with many people and i just happen to be his wife. i know how much he loves me, cares for me, and when i dont dig too deep into my own insecurities of him hating me, i truly believe that we are equal in how much we care for each other.
lol when i dig though, thats another psychotic story im gonna tuck for a later cry
i think it was last year when i got the smallest taste of a world outside of just jack. my volunteering position in the animal shelter i volunteered at escalated to assistant, and within that role, i held a lot more power than just a volunteer. i was in charge of adoptions and that... to me was power. and i loved it. i loved staying there all day writing notes into the computer, talking to people, showing them dogs. and my god, i knew i did an amazing job. i know i do. i know that i am confident, capable, and dedicated. i know.
and for the first time, i really meant when i said, “i am good at this”. i never ever believed that... ever. I have hobbies and shit like drawing, but i never considered myself good. but i know with all my soul i was good at this. and this is the point where i discovered that this is what i wanted. i had found a bridge outside of my world dedicated to jack. and jack was happy for me. and i was unsure. but excited.
dropped out of school, focused on working at a doggy daycare with the simple dream of one day having an actual job at the animal shelter i work at. there isnt a high turnover obviously. i told everyone. everyone. everyone. and finally... a job application. i was interviewed.
i was a perfect candidate. my life has been a dedication and exploration of my love for animals.
i didn’t get the job.
i had gotten rejected many many many times. many times.
but this is the only time where it hurt with every ounce of my being. i sobbed my eyes out.
the only reason i didn’t get hired... was that i couldn’t drive.
i could hear my dad laughing in the background.
that was the only thing and i knew how important it was, but i was more than willing to learn and get a car and figure it out. i would take ubers and friends and whatever to get me to where i need to be. i thought that my own desperation and commitment would get me by.
i had no money, no car, no one to teach me, but god in my heart i wanted this more than anyone. and the girl who got it... all i needed was to see who it was for my whole spirit to shatter. i didn’t know her that well, i had spoken to her a fair amount of times. i knew she had dogs, she was a foster, she worked with animals. she was radiant, a light, a beautiful girl. her entire life she knew this was for her. she hadn’t taken the courses in animal care i had, but she was ready to learn and most of all... she had a license.
it shattered me. everyday it shatters me.
and i could get another job.
i could. but what else is there in this city? someone tell me, anyone. I had asked everyone around me, what else? What else? Please someone GUIDE ME.
I have no job because I can’t legally have one due to my visa not having arrived yet. The job waiting for me is a casual job at a doggy daycare. I live in a small city where the jobs are scarce and the only thing that could possibly POSSIBLY set me straight into the animal care business would be studying. i can’t get a car to get any other possible job. hell, i can’t even afford the fee of the drivers license test.
But I’m a girl without a job and with a dad who will be disowning her at the end of this year. Who’s only revenue comes from her amazing husband who breaks his back working casual hours and studying. I can’t even think about studying when I don’t even have the money to pay my rent. We are so... so close to getting evicted. Inches away.
I could get any other job, I could. And I will. But i know that if I want to stay in this city and be happy, that that is literally.. the one and only job I want and probably won’t ever get.
I could move. I could. But what about my cats? What about everything we have here? I could sell everything, our TV, or couch, our kitchenware, and just go. Take the three cats, and go somewhere else in this country. But no matter where it would be, I would still be... like this. In this spot right now, in a bed, typing something that doesn’t matter because the only solution is just to have money.
that is all. just money. i could study animal hydrotherapy if i had money. i could pay my bills on time or even buy a house if i had money. i could take driving lessons if i had money.
i want to have faith. i want to believe in god. i want to believe that there is a reason why all this is happening. that there is a reason why this entire year so far has been so so hard. that there is a reason why this month has been so hard.
i know its my fault. its my fault i am scared of driving. its my fault i never got my license. its my fault i don’t try hard enough to keep friendships. its my fault. but why.
why does my dad have to come to this country in the worst of times? is it to mock me? is it to show me that he is the man with all the money who could change our lives but chooses not to?
why did a dog have to die on jacks arms? why did it have to happen? why did this have to happen at our daycare and change everything for everyone forever?
please tell me what to do. please god, just give me ... a sign. Any sign. i love this city so much i just want to stay here and work here at a job that i love and be with my husband. i just want to work and earn a living and be happy.
it pisses me off that i was so close... so close to feeling like i amounted to something more than just jack’s wife.
before i met jack my life amounted to nothing. which it was so easy to give it up. so easy to call it quits and go die somewhere. my life now amounts to being jack’s wife. i dont have the option anymore to die. i can cut myself over and over but i know ill never take the plunge anymore because i cant.
i find it funny that when i say i dont want to die to doctors, they sound so relieved. i want to disappear. i want to disappear just for a while and wait until the world fixes whatever i cant fix.
but i know that the world doesn’t give a shit. god doesnt give a shit.
i found a glimpse of something else. i found a little crack that showed me that i didn’t have to be just jack’s wife. i didn’t have to dedicate my entire being to him. i always felt like jack’s knight. he is the person i will die for. i will protect. and i still am his knight. but i never felt worthy enough to be a ruler next to him.
and i thought that if i could also show him that i can be something great too like he is, if i could show him that my life can also amount to doing other things besides being by his side, that i could prove to him... and myself, that my own life has meaning.
i dont really know anymore.
there is nothing i can do but wait. i can just wait until my interim visa is over and my visa arrives. i can wait for that moment. but what then, what will i do then?
i really dont see a path anymore in front of me. i dont see anything at all
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bc i cant stop thinking abt that dream.. im gonna elaborate on it because it was so detailed and so long and felt so real
so it started off with me in a small library but like, it was so cramped and the lights were off. bookshelves were everywhere, and most were like only waist high? strange adults were everywhere, standing against the walls/shelves or sitting in the aisles. all had their hands cuffed behind their backs or in front of them and they all had like, tape or something over their mouths. but there were some adults among them in bullet proof vests and with guns in their hands. i dont know the situation like i dont even think i acknowledged it in the dream but from context clues im p sure it was like a hostage situation
so im in there sneaking around, in the back of my mind i just Know that my parents and my brother are also in the room also sneaking thru the aisles. all the hostage adults are staring at me like, acknowledging that they know im here to help rescue them. so after a few close calls around corners almost getting caught by the gunmen i get to a somewhat open area, meanig that its still cramped but its a small square between bookshelves with a table and 2 chairs. theres a TON of hostages squeezed into this area. i knew that that was the objective, that i had to get there
so me and my family burst forward and the gunmen spot us, but the hostages all help us overwhelm the guys. the gunmen are shooting blindly into the crowd, aiming mostly for me and my family, and SOMEHOW everybody else dodges it but me. literally it went in slow motion and i saw it like in third person, watching it come towards me and i was like “watch it hit me lmao. oh fuck its actually gonna hit me”
so i get shot in my stomach during all this and the pain just, it wasnt all that bad really? like it felt like uhm. getting hit with a water balloon actually (i was just in a water fight yesterday and now upon realizing this its like.... did that contribute to this dream....) so then its all clear like the bad guys are defeated, it gets kinda blurry at this point but i know in some disembodied way that i told my parents after everything wrapped up when they were asking if everyone was okay that i was hit, and they like, didnt care. i was like “HEY i got SHOT in the stomach!” and theyre like k and it took them foreverrrrrrr to get me medical attention. and i wasnt even.. bleeding outwardly? so i was so worried about internal bleeding because like HEY i have a bullet in me so i must be bleeding somewhere like,,, come on lmao
the next like visual thing i remember is in the hospital. its been a while since like, i woke up so this is kinda blurry too but i remember being put into a wheelchair by some nurses.. ive been in a wheelchair only once and that was in 2nd grade but this one i was allowed to use like, on my own, so it threw me off? and at this point i was like, fuck, i’ve been shot before when i was little. i’ve done this before. i had to go into surgery and everything. but it was all vague flashes i could barely remember it but it felt a lot like when i remember the major things from my childhood that i just COMPLETELY forgot about for so long, like speech therapy? like i had gotten injured from a gun when i was less than ten years old and i just, forgot about that? i was like HOW did i forget about this
so i was already in the hospital at this point but for the one room, i wheeled up to the entrance and it felt kinda like the 11th/12th grade cafeteria entrance that i use in school?? a small double door, blank walls, kinda dark, empty, and there was a nurse checking us in. at this point i was surrounded by all my classmates from my ap lang class, or maybe not ap lang in particular idk since like all the ap kids are mostly grouped together despite class? idk man. but my classmates were literally all fine idk why they were there? they werent even there for checkups or anything (disregarding the fact that you dont get a check up at a hospital you get that at a normal doctors office..) so i was there in my literal wheelchair and the nurse was like “wait your turn!!” she was really snooty it was annoying i was like, word for word, “uhm HELLO i have a GSW in my abdomen!!!!!!” and my one classmate finally spoke up as he was being checked in he was like “uh hey brot is here and like, got shot, so i think she should go first lmao?” so the nurse finally smiled at me and admitted me in
and it led to this small cramped room where they scanned your entire body for every single thing wrong with it adn they displayed it on a board where everyone could see, including my classmates, and i was like ohh my god. oh my god. the nurses were like “hm you could eat better but overall you’re in good health!” and i was like DUDE thats embarrassing i dont want everybody to see all my minute issues and LIKE I AM LITERALLY INJURED I HAVE A BULLET IN MY STOMACH WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MY DIET WHEN THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES...
so finally we go into the actual room and its this giant giant mostly empty room, im remembering this room from my first go at this from when i was a kid. theres a table in the middle thats pretty big but has.. no chairs around it... but theres puzzles and weird bookmark things scattered around on it to keep you occupied, and then theres a single table far removed from everything else, only long enough for a body and slightly wider, and theres one identical to that on the other side of the room. and i know from when i was a kid that those are for surgeries and like, i KNOW this but i was like, wrow thats unsanitary lmao
so i go to the table in the middle because thats where you’re supposed to wait till you’re called for surgery, but im so ANXIOUS because like.. its surgery... and now im remembering more of it from when i was a kid like im remembering going into it, waking up from it... my classmates are all sitting on the table like its some casual after school thing, theyre all talking
and then i remember from the first surgery. i remember the surgery itself. i apparently wasnt put under for it. i was conscious during it. i was numbed out obviously but like, i was AWAKE, and that makes me SO fucking scared for my upcoming surgery. like, enough that some of my classmates sense that im getting more and more anxious so they start shoving the bookmarks in my face, and the bookmarks are like the weird ones from the library irl that have quotes on them, and like i cant even read any because im just so anxious like im keeled over in the wheelchair so anxious about it, and the fact that my classmates are trying to interact with me during this is just making it worse like i APPRECIATE trying to make me feel better but i CANNOT read right now
and like, i was never called for surgery? im sitting there until the sun sets, but i only know that because i eventually leave the room just needing to do SOMETHING and the hospital lobby, for all the people waiting for patients? is empty and the sky outside is the dark blue kind of like, twilight
i really dont know how this dream suddenly turns, like i cannot remember the breaching moment and idk if its because its been almost 12 hours since i woke from the dream or if there even WAS a breaching moment
but the next thing i know is that me and shannen are running (me wheeling furiously) along the top of some like, wall. and the hospital looming in front of us is now some sort of fortified citadel, and we’re on one of the defensive walls around it, theres towers and spires everywhere in the distance around the citadel. and theres fucking. ANGELS attackign the place. the angels are classic white dress wearing, harp playing, type creatures but their eyes are all closed and black tears are running down their faces, and literally everything else about them is white. the dresses are this weathered white, their skin is weathered white (like, like marble but without the darker lines yknow?), and their eyes + tears are the darkest things on them so they stand OUT. and their mouths are flat lines, also black like as if its like, lineart or something yknow? like their faces look like masks but they arent. they have harps in one hand and then LONG ass swords in their other hands and they are fuckign terrifying
so me and shannen are outside of the main area of attack and we stumble upon this part of the wall thats like, collapsed, and theres a fucking OCEAN next to the citadel. so the stones that have fallen into the water, theres some sort of chariot on it with the same kind of look as the angels, white + black accent kinda look to it. the chariot is low lying and theres a figure laying over it, collapsed, reaching forward at nothing almost like a zombie trying to move? and he.. god i wanna say it was icarus but i really dont know because i feel, deep down that his name started with an e but i have no idea what dude it would be then bc i know it was a guy from greek mythology somehow but IDK WHO... so this guy also has the same vibe as the angels but his face is like, a fuckign mess, like it looked like he was melting (maybe thats why i wanna say icarus idk) but the melted parts were black, plus the black eyes (whcih were semi open) and the black tears and his mouth was kinda open in a silent wail (also black). i wanna say he had black hair too but idk maybe the whole black mass on his overall head was just the melting.. and this melted black liquid is strewn all over the chariot and the stone block thats barely out of the water. and out of the water, behind the chariot, all the angels were bursting forward and heading to the citadel like as if it was the Angel Spawn Point
IDK it was such a weird fuckign sight it looked like a fallen angel but i just knew deep down that it was some guy from greek mythology but I DONT KNOW WHO IT WOULD BE especially with a name starting with e..!!!
anyway yeah i woke up then. the whole angel sequence was super short compared to the rest of the dream, but it was more on par with what i normally dream than the rest? like i dont recall ever having guns in my dreams except for maybe one dream in middle school that was like,,,,, nuclear apocalypse type thing......... and never have i ever been like, INJURED like that in a dream? i’ve died in dreams yeah but ive never been like.. shot.. the closest thing i can think of was that one weird borderline nightmare earlier this year where i died of internal bleeding in school due to school negligence..... hm!
like idk this was just such a weird dream i normally have very very wild dreams with a more fantasy element to them, and the mundane ones are just me in school or on tumblr, like ive never had like, an ACTION MOVIE kinda thing??
and it felt SO REAL like when i woke up i literally thought that i had some sort of repressed gun related traumatic event from my childhood that i was only uncovering now and it was only when i realized that i was in bed and not like, at the hospital with a gun wound in my stomach, that i was like oh haha no thats not real
#gun violence#the bread has spoken#i should just start a tag for ym dreams lmfao more often than not i post abt them here#OK WAIT NOW I WANNA SAY THAT GUY WAS EREBUS BUT I THINK IM JUST SAYING THAT BC LIKE.. BLACK TEARS.. DARKNESS... IDK#IDK.. IDK!!!!#i dont even think its anybody in particular but in my dream i had a specific name#i saw the guy and i was like oh shit its ____#maybe i did call him icarus. maybe i did call him erebus#but for either one its not like.. accurate irl but in my dream? whoever it was i called him. it was supposed to be actually him#my dreams
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