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You better get ready bc its time for

The Straw Hats' Tragic Backstories

Ranked from what i personally consider to be less tragic to most tragic. With pictures!

I accounted not only how scaring their backstories are but also how long they suffered for, balancing the bad and the good times. Be ready

N°9 (Less Tragic): Usopp

Less Tragic is still Tragic. He lost his mom, never knew his father and never felt he fitted in at his hometown where he gain the reputation of problem child. That said, he still had a pretty 'normal' childhood and was a happy and emotionally stable kid, somehow.

N°8: Zoro

Now with Zoro there's the issue there's a lot we (or at least I) dont know. The times he spend at the dojo gave him somewhat of a home but before that he appeared to be a homless orphan maybe? Also then there is Kuina's death which defined so much about him through pain. Beyond that, he grew up in a safe space with people that cared about him.

N°7: Luffy

He never had a parental figure to look up to and he was raised in a way by many people. He's sense of familly lied with Sabo and Ace bc nobody else stayed around long enough (except for Dadan). Similar to Zoro, the 'death' of Sabo defined a lot about him through pain. He ranks above Zoro because he lived to survive and his and his brothers lives were often put in mortal danger.

N°6: Brook

The fact that he had a whole happy life didnt allowed me to rank him very high but at the same time, wandering arround for decades alone, traped in the darknes, souraded only by the dead bodies of his nakama. I couldn't put him last either. Not to mention the lost of his body.

N°5: Franky

Now it's getting real. Franky did have a happy childhood with his found family doing what he loved that is building ships. But, the boats he created were used against him to bring down and arrest his father figure/mentor. In desperation he traid to fight a train to stop it and lost his body in the process. He never saw Tom again.

N°4: Sanji

There are two sides to this. One, so far all we (or at leats I) know of Sanji is from when he was already an apprentice at a kitchen, what's the story before that? Idk but i bet is not happy. Then ofc is the issue that he almost starved to death at the ripe age of 8 and had to carry on with the guilt of costing this pirate-chef his leg and career, who eventually became his mentor/father figure. No wonder he is so closed off emotionally. Thanksfully, after that he seemed to have gronw up without other insidents and he loved it in the Baratie

How are you doing? Sad yet?

Well buckle the fuck in bc we are entering the top three and oh boy

N°3: Chopper

Rejected by everyone since he was born and it only got worse after the ate the devil fruit. He was attacked by his own and also by humans. The only one that showed him love and kindness was Hiluluk, his father figure/mentor, who he ended up killing while trying to find a medicing to save him. All things considered he had some happy times in the middle.

N°2: Nami

She was a happy kid until Arlong came along, murdered her mom infront of her eyes and took her away. Not only she was forced to work and live with Arlong, but she also had the lives of everyone on her village on her shoulders, and she made it so at the age of 8! She lived the next decade terrorized by Arlong, alone, thinking everyone hated her and carrying that weight on her own. Her final snap when she stabs herself on her tattoo cannot be more heartbraking

N°1 (Most Tragic): Robin

There's just, so much to unpack. She lived alone, her mother left her and her adoptive family rejected her. The only solance she found was studying but then the Marine came along. They killed everyone she loved in front of her eyes, they burned her entire island and made her the sole survivor. After that they persecuted her all her life, she was betrayed and sell out more times than she can count probably. She was forced to live in the run, never trusting anyone and never belonging anywhere, which was all she ever wanted.

- Thanksfully they all found happiness later in life having wonderful adventures with the Straw Hats, one big fam -

I hope you liked my post (ಥ‿ಥ)b

What battery percentage is your phone on right now? It’s at 75%. Do any medical afflictions run in your family? Yeah. Who did you last talk to in person and what did you say? My husband. We said goodnight to each other last night. What’s your favourite Mexican dish? I know it’s basic but ya bitch loves a good taco. Tostadas are also yummy but they don’t travel well so I haven’t had one in a while. OH and guacamole and salsa! Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes, several Cubs games, a few Blackhawks games, and a couple Bulls games.

How far do you live from New York City? About 800 miles west. How often do you talk to your parents? At least 4-5 times a week. What was the weather like in your town today? It’s 66 F right now. Are there any phrases or words that you say a lot? Of course.

How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you ever had? A few. They’re all irrelevant now except for my husband. Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yes. What’s the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend? Irrelevant. Do you clean your ears daily? Not daily. What accent do you have? Chicago/Midwest. What scent of air freshener do you keep in your bathroom? We have a coconut one right now. Have you ever dated a model? Lol. What’s the best job you’ve ever had? This one.  How about the worst? Party City. Do you have naturally straight hair? It’s gotten a little wavy over the past year actually. What is your ultimate goal in life? To get my health better managed and to be the best Auntie to my nieces. Have you ever visited someone in prison? No. What months were you and your siblings born in? I was born in September and my sister was born in July. Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them? No. What are your three favourite vegetables? Zucchini, Asparagus, Potatoes. How many times a day do you check Facebook or any other social network? A few times. When was the last time you had a blocked nose? A couple weeks ago. Who is your favourite comedian? John Mulaney and Stella. What colour are the socks you’re wearing today? I’m not. What did you have for dinner last night? Pizza and fried zuchini. What was the last concert you went to? Vampire Weekend in October 2019 in SLC. Are you an ugly crier? Idk, probably? Are any of us cute when we cry? What scent is the soap or body wash you use in the shower? Right now we have an ocean breeze scented one. Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? Yes. Who do you live with? My husband and our three cats. What letter does your street name begin with? W Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? I tweeze them. When was the last time you ate at McDonald’s? Yesterday. I was craving fries and a root beer and grabbed some. What’s your favourite Popsicle flavour? Cherry or watermelon. Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? I sent Mark a meme. Do you have any injuries at the moment? Not really. Have you ever been to an ophthalmologist? I don’t think so. Do you own any animal print clothes? Yeah. Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? I’m short and no. When was the last time you went to a drug store/pharmacy? There’s a pharmacy inside my grocery store. I was there yesterday. As for a stand-alone one, that was back in April when I got my second dose of the Covid shot. Do you ever binge-watch TV shows? Yeah. Have you ever mustered up the courage to tell someone how you feel only to be rejected? No. Do you keep your files and documents organised in one place? Eh, yes and no. What’s your favourite sweet treat to bake? Box brownies, lol. Though last Thanksgiving I made a pumpkin pie that turned out amazing. That was fun. Are you good at flirting and letting people know you’re interested? No. What did you have for breakfast today? I haven’t had breakfast. It’s almost lunch time so I’m just gunna hold out. Do you prefer sweet or savoury breakfasts? Either. I don’t often do big breakfasts, so.  Do you like chick-flicks? Sure. Have you ever taken an acting class? Not really. I was in an improve group in grade school after school for a bit. And in one play in high school. When was the last time you watched one of your favourite movies? It’s been a while. How often do you use Youtube? Everyday. I watch a lot of YouTube. What’s the coolest thing you’ve ever dressed up as for Halloween? I dressed up as Nyan Cat one year and that was amazing. And my Princess Carolyn (from BoJack) costume is one of my favorites as well. And last year was LSP from Adventure time and that turned out really cool too. I made all of them from scratch.  Are you ignoring anyone right now? Nah. How do you usually style your hair? It’s either down or in a bun, for the most part. Do you have any tattoos? Tell me about them. I have 9 and I don’t feel like explaining them all.  Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? Sure. When was the last time you used a stove? The other day. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat? Veal. Are you sitting, standing or laying (or something else) right now? I’m sitting. How many hours per week do you typically work? 40. What was the last pill or tablet you took? An Alieve the other day. How far away from your house is the closest grocery store? Less than two minutes. Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing? Nope. Who was the last person you complimented? My friend Sarah. Are you the type of person to take naps, even if you’ve slept plenty? Lol “slept plenty.” Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment? My husband. And Will Arnett.  The age old question: dogs or cats? CATS. When was the last time you saw your best friend? I can see my husband right now. I saw Sarah in January of 2020, Ellen in October of 2019, and Randal sometime in March or April, I can’t remember.  Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? No. Are you tired right now? Always. Do you like spring rolls? Sure. What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc? Avenue. How many purses or handbags do you own? Several. Do you get along with all your aunts and uncles? I have no living aunts or uncles. I have a couple great-aunts but they are elderly and we rarely talk. Have you ever eavesdropped and heard something you didn’t want to hear? Sure. When was the last time you used a pen, pencil or marker? A little bit ago. I have this coloring book I keep near me while I’m working and I just randomly fill in little shapes while I’m waiting for something to load.  What’s your favourite type of curry? Massaman curry, which is a coconut based curry. Do you often go to do or say something and then just forget? Ugh, I hate that. Have you ever had casual sex? Uh huh. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My nails. What’s the last letter of your middle name? A. If your phone rang right now from a number you don’t know, would you answer? Nope. How long is your hair? A little past my shoulders. What was your first pet’s name and how did you pick that? We had two blue parakeets that were my 2nd grade class pets. My teacher asked my mom to take them for the summer and then asked us if we wanted to keep them because the school didn’t allow class pets anymore. Anyway, our class voted and named them Featherbrain and Lucky. Do you drink diet or regular soda? If I am gunna drink soda, I’m drinking regular. Have you ever been to Europe? No. Do you worry about your own health? Sure.  Who did you last make plans with, and what plans did you make? Randal and I were talking about going to the zoo or aquarium soon. Nothing set in stone yet.  Can you smell anything right now? Not really. How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I was 15. When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes? It’s been a bit. Mark and I are planning on getting some slides soon. Do you like fruit and vegetable combo juices? Yeah. Have you ever been on a spring break trip? Sure. Would you rather be warmer or colder right now? I’m fine at the moment.  How tall are your highest heels? I don’t wear heels. What’s your favourite flavour of frosting? Cream cheese. When did you wake up today? Around 7. Do you change your appearance often? No. What colour are the street signs in your town/suburb? Green. How many people do you work with? 10. What was the last thing you ate? Pizza. Do you have any plans for three hours in the future? Still be working. Has anyone ever made a comment about your weight that offended or upset you? Uh huh.

1149

A

What is your age? 22, but there’s less than a month to go before I turn 23.

What annoys you? Literally every single person who still supports the government at this point. For context, we are back to square one and we’re under the exact same quarantine imposed in March 2020 because of the surge in cases. Nothing has changed and nothing has been done in the last 365 days while people are getting hungrier and poorer. I’m done feeling hopeful for this country and I cannot wait to abandon it forever.

Do you have any allergies? Apparently, grass. Can’t be exposed to it for too long otherwise the skin on my thighs turn red and occasionally even get rashes.

B

Do you know anyone named Billy? Kind of, but they’re girls with their name spelled as Billie.

When is your birthday? April 21st and spending it in quarantine once again this year...

Who is your best friend(s)? Angela and Andi.

C

What's your favorite candy? I like gummy bears and worms. As for sweets, I really like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, Twix, and the Hershey’s Cookies and Creme bar.

When was the last time you cried? Maybe a day or two ago while watching a snippet from Caught in Providence.

Have you been out of the country? Yes.

D

Do you daydream? Not so much these days. I’ve been better at keeping my focus at work.

What's your favorite kind of dog? I love alllllll dogs, but I’d usually be wary of smaller dogs because 87% of the times I’ve met some, they’re aggressive or a bit moody. I don’t like stereotyping dogs as much as possible but because I’ve had direct experiences to back it up anyway, *shrug*

What day of the week is it? It’s a Sunday.

E

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, or an omelette with lots of fillings. Balut is also great.

Have you ever been in the emergency room? Only when I was born, I’m guessing.

What's the easiest thing ever to do? Idk, what comes easy to me might not be the same for others. But my answer would be to smile, regardless if it were genuine or otherwise.

F

Have you ever flown in a plane? Yeah, many times. The child-like excitement I get whenever I get on one will probably never go away, either.

Do you use fly swatters? No, my mom usually uses old shoebox covers or rolled-up scratch papers we have lying around to swat them.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Only in video games lol, never in real life.

G

Have you pet a goat? I don’t think I have. I’ve pet lots of animals before but I don’t think a goat has been one of them yet.

Are you a giver or a taker? Giver, but I’ve been allowing myself to take more these days.

Do you like gummy candies? Love them.

H

How are you? We’ve entered summer weather now, so I feel hot and miserable. It’s also Sunday and I am stuck at home, which doesn’t make me the happiest camper.

What's your height? 5′1″ or a tiny tiny tiny bit taller than that.

What color is your hair? It’s black but on extremely rare occasions I’ll catch a single light brown strand when I play with my hair.

I

What's your favorite ice cream? Cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough. My friend Leigh actually started her own ice cream shop recently and I bought her coffee crumble ice cream, and it is sooooooooo fuckinggggggggg good??????? It’s so rare to find coffee ice cream where I live period, so I’m fucking stoked to have a close friend who makes literally the best one and in generous servings too.

Have you ever ice skated? Many times as a kid. I was never formally trained, but it was something I wanted to try from watching other kids play in mall ice skating rinks; and when I did give it a shot, I ended up enjoying it. Luckily my mom was encouraging and actually frequently dropped me off at a rink so I can practice gliding and all for a few hours while she ran errands.

Have you cheated the IRS? That’s like an American tax thingy, right? We don’t have that here and my employer handles my TIN.

J

What's your favorite jelly bean? Not a big fan but if I had to have Jelly Belly, I obviously would want to get the pleasant-tasting ones.

Do you tell jokes? Yes.

Do you wear nice jewelry? Only on special occasions.

K

Do you want to kill anybody? I don’t want to kill anybody but I certainly wish a good number of public officials would finally die.

Do you want to have kids? Yes. I really wish I could still have a future with them. Thanks for the trauma, my real asshole of an ex.

Where did you have kindergarten? Somewhere.

L

Are you laidback? I doubt my friends would use this to describe me. I for sure lean more towards the uptight side of the spectrum.

Do you lie? Eh, occasionally.

When is the last time you sent a hand-written letter? I have no idea. Christmas 2019 maybe?

M

Ever talked in a microphone? Sure. Many times.

Do you still watch Disney Movies? I very rarely get in the mood for them if I’m by myself, but yes, I’d gladly sit down and watch should an opportunity come.

Do you like mangoes? No.

N

Do you have a nickname? 99% of people call me Robyn while my family calls me Byn, but there are a select few friends who’ve stayed long enough with me to catch other names I’ve gotten over the years, which have since become inside jokes/nicknames. There’s Reben and Rolayn, and literally just yesterday ‘Roby’ happened when I ordered food for lunch so that will probably catch on as well.

What’s your favorite number? 4.

Do you prefer night over day? Absolutely.

O

Are you an only child? No, I’m two siblings away from that status.

Do you wish this was over? I haven’t felt that way, no.

What is the closet orange object near you? An orange tumbler my Kuya gave me as a Christmas gift in 2019. There is also orange tape wrapped around the charger adaptor of my company laptop.

P

What one fear are you most paranoid about? Waking up in the middle of surgery and being unable to speak nor move.

Do you play any instruments? Nope.

Do you think you are pretty? Some days.

Q

Are you quick to judge people? No, unless they are already blatantly showing their character like being rude towards service staff, tossing their trash to the ground, or cutting in queues. Whenever those things happen I give myself the space and freedom to guiltlessly judge.

What do you keep quiet about? How dysfunctional my family really is, and the things I really want to say about Gabie.

Do you have any quirks? Food-wise, I like peeling off the breading from fried chicken and placing them on the side of my plate so I can eat them last, because they’re my favorite part.

R

What’s a good reason to cry? Frustration. Crying can be really helpful in lessening stress.

Do you think you're always right? No.

Do you watch reality TV? Not religiously, but I love watching snippets of reality shows on Facebook because they’re all so embarrassing and it’s hilarious to watch hahahahah. Literally last night I was watching clips of Big Ed on 90 Day Fiance.

S

Are you a social person? More so now than I was years ago.

What states have you lived in? I lived in Manila briefly but it didn’t take long till we transferred to another city for a more peaceful life in the suburbs.

What is your favorite season? I wanna say winter because of what I’ve seen from it in movies and shows, but I’ve never actually experienced it before.

T

When did you last sleep in a tent? Sometime in March or April last year.

Do you like tomatoes? Mostly in diced form. Tomato sauce is fine but I don’t really like it in my pasta. Bloody Mary also tastes rather awful.

What time did you wake up? 8:30 AM.

U

Do you have an umbrella in your car? I think so, yeah. I finally placed one in there lmao.

Do listen to Usher? Eh, not really. 2000s R&B isn’t my thing, save for Beyoncé.

Describe the underwear your wearing? It’s light blue.

V

What’s the worst veggie? I never learned to like pechay. I’d still eat it, but only because I like cleaning up my entire plate.

Do you like movies with violence? Some. Like I hate action movies but I enjoyed A Clockwork Orange and Scream lol.

Where do you want to go on vacation? I recently bookmarked an Airbnb in Zambales and the accommodation is basically this super cute line of tipi-styled huts by the beach. I'd love to have a solo trip push through once this Covid mess subsides.

W

Ever been on a wave runner? No.

Where do you work? I work in a PR company.

Do you wish on stars? Just sometimes.

X

Have you ever had an x-ray? Only for mandatory medical exams.

Do you own a xylophone? I think I had a toy one as a kid, but it’s not with me anymore.

Have you watched the x-games? No, not interested.

Y

What did you do yesterday? I stayed at home; ordered food for Angela as a surprise; debated if I should buy a pair of Air Maxes – and ultimately decided I’ve already spent too much this month to deserve a new pair of shows lol; and just settled to buy a new night lamp for my bedroom. I also watched the newest episode of 2 Days 1 Night and ate more of Leigh’s ice cream while doing work.

Do you like the color yellow? Only in mustard yellow. I also like the song Yellow, heh.

What year were you born?: 1998.

Z

Do you believe in the zodiac? No.

Has your bank account been at zero? No. I remember when I was first opening my own account at the bank and the clerk told me to make sure I don’t go below P2,000, and my intensely by-the-book ass has been following the rule ever since, even though my dad has told me it’s absolutely fine to go below it so long as I have P2,000 back in the account after a month hahaha.

Ever been to the zoo? A few.

50 questions

Tagged by @turtletotem!!! aka my favorite aunt!!!

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush? The most awful combination of dull denim blue and grape-flavored-lolipop purple.

2. Name a food you never eat: If you hand me fish I WILL turn into that meme of the guy frisbee-throwing a plate of spaghetti down a hallway

3. Are you typically to warm or too cold? Every day is too hot

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Cookin’ dinner

5. What’s your favourite candy bar? 3 Muskateers because I have a death wish.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yeah. I was ten. We went to a baseball game. Most boring-ass twenty minutes of my life. We left very quickly.

7. What was the last thing you said out loud? “No, I don’t need more water.”

8. What is your favourite ice cream? Caramel Caribou

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Bottled water is evil but giant gallon jugs of store-brand water is like. peak luxury for me.

10. Do you like your wallet? I mean, the front pocket is ripping, but yeah, it gets the job done.

11. What was the last thing you ate? dinner and I hated every bite

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nah

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? I watched my favorite witch youtuber pole-dance because she’s fucking amazing, does that count?

14. What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? Popcorn bad

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? The grocery shopper (are we decadent fucks? maybe. Is it better for our mental health to pay someone to get our groceries instead of spending every week full of dread and resentment because we have to get groceries? Yes.)

16. Ever go camping? Yeah but I absolutely hated it and I refuse to do it again unless I get a sugardaddy who glamps.

17. Do you take vitamins? What’s a vitamin (jk I used to take vitamins but the adult vitamins taste like blood to me)

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? I only go to churches for funerals.

19. Do you have a tan? Fun fact! I am actually, physically, medically allergic to most sunscreens! I am not allowed in direct sunlight anymore for extended periods of time!

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Chinese food!

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? Only at restaurants.

22. What colour socks do you usually wear? Bold of you to think I usually wear socks (I like dark jewel tones but I have sky blue and bright yellow socks too)

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? Another fun fact! Driving gives me panic attacks!

24. What terrifies you? Old age, being alone, blood

25. Look to your left. What do you see? My bottle of dusting powder from Lush that I’ve had like five years akldghaplke

26. What chore do you hate most? Vacuuming. Please don’t make me vacuum. Please.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? Jazza!!!!! He’s a youtube artist! He’s a fucking child and I love his art!

28. What’s your favourite soda? Can’t choose tbh, as long as it’s cold I’ll drink it.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Drive-thru

30. What’s your favourite number? 7!

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? My mom

32. Favourite cut of beef? Is beef even worth it anymore? I prefer chicken.

33. Last song you listened to? Vitamin String Quartet cover of “Thrift Shop”

34. Last book you read? Currently in the middle of “Squire”, third book in the Protector of the Small series!!!

35. Favourite day of the week? They all blend together too much, I can’t tell.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Absolutely not.

37. How do you like your coffee? Absolutely saturated with flavored creamer. Does it look like a Starbucks frapp? No? Not drinking it.

38. Favourite pair of shoes? My tennies!!! They’re black and brown and so so so comfortable, I could walk for hours in them.

39. Time you normally get up? Between 8AM-11AM. Do not ask me to get up earlier than that. Do Not.

40. Sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets. Clouds are prettier.

41. How many blankets are on your bed? One.

42. Describe your kitchen plates. Paper. We have some square plastic ones and Fancy Ceramic Plates that are our last resort.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment. Fucking filthy.

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink but probably cocktails with too much sugar to taste the alcohol.

45. Do you play cards? Solitaire and Wizard

46. What colour is your car? White

47. Do you know how to change a tire? Kind of? My dad taught me when I was a kid but I have since blocked out the memory.

48. Your favourite state? MICHIGAN FOREVER solely because my state is the prettiest, fuck your deserts and rock formations, go to the UP and watch snowmelt make waterfalls on the cliffs, it’s absolutely magical. Also the played-out copper mines are just as breathtaking to me as natural caves.

49. Favourite job you’ve had? Honestly---and this weirded me out too---helping at my dad’s shop last summer. I like the simplicity of the machines, and the mindless sweeping, and, to a lesser extent, emptying garbage tins of metal scraps. It was loud and I sweated constantly and I stank like oil and metal and cigarette smoke at the end of the day, but the work itself was... nice. I felt like I was doing something.

50. How did you get your biggest scar? I don’t want to answer this question thank you.

Idk who to tag for this ahhhhhhhhh

1 to 44 for the nosy asks slkdjfsld (If you don’t wanna do it that’s cool ;-;)

0: Height - 5′5″ ish idk

1: Virgin? - haha thankfully 2: Shoe size - 8 Canada women’s

3: Do you smoke? - nope

4: Do you drink? - not often and always responsibly

5: Do you take drugs - not recreationally but I have daily medications if that counts 

6: Age you get mistaken for - idk nothing I think?

7: Have tattoos? - nope

8: Want any tattoos? - maybe when I turn 18 but idk what’d I get

9: Got any piercings? - pierced my ears when I was like 7 but I rarely use them

10: Want any piercings? - not particularly

11: Best friend? - @trees-and-sky <3

12: Relationship status - s i n g l e and with major trust issues

13: Biggest turn ons - haha what

14: Biggest turn offs - people who vape

15: Favorite movie - THE DARK CRYSTAL

16: I’ll love you if - lol idk

17: Someone you miss - my mother when I was young (she not dead just... like it complicated)

18: Most traumatic experience - surgery may 2018. Not my first surgery but I discovered in that one that general anesthetic doesn’t put me to sleep. It was a long ass surgery and I was half awake pretty much the entire time. Triggered these things when I sleep called night terrors which are fucking awful and never went away. Also gave me some hefty chronic pain which will also never go away. I’m not joking when I say that surgery ruined my life. All in all not a fun experience and not something I’d wish upon anyone

19: A fact about your personality - I act really different around different people. Also I like to yell and I really like russian literature

20: What I hate most about myself - haha most things

21: What I love most about myself - haha idk

22: What I want to be when I get older - some form of physicist. Used to be astrophysics but now idk

23: My relationship with my sibling(s) - it’s alright. My brother and I have that general sibling bond but we don’t talk much anymore. He just started university so he’s always at school and we’re both always busy with something

24: My relationship with my parent(s) - with my dad it’s fine. With my mother ... haha we don’t get along. Or rather I don’t get along with her and she views me as a possession. I have some deep seated trust issues with her after my parents separated. I have her many chances to rebuild that and she just doesn’t. The actual last straw was when I had my surgery and she spent the entire time I was in hospital texting her boyfriend and then when my dad called her out on it, got up on a ledge and threatened to jump. I feel kinda selfish for holding that against her but ya know. I cut off all contact with her four months ago (took me a year and a half to work yo to that lmao)

25: My idea of a perfect date - B O O K S T O R E S

26: My biggest pet peeves - idk people who walk slow and also drama people at my school (band > drama)

27: A description of the girl/boy I like - don’t like anyone rn. Liked this one girl for like two years but that went away lol

28: A description of the person I dislike the most - haha my mother. Don’t feel like describing her

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend - I don’t like sharing my feelings

30: What I hate the most about work/school - idk time spent at school is time I could have spent in bed

31: What your last text message says - “wow what losers” to a group chat called “Bible Study 😩🙏”

32: What words upset me the most - idk

33: What words make me feel the best about myself - idk

34: What I find attractive in women - idk personality??? Someone I can joke around with

35: What I find attractive in men - idk personality???

36: Where I would like to live - in an old castle all by myself on a long forgotten island with all my pet lizards I will be lord of the lizards

37: One of my insecurities - “oh if i share this emotion everyone will hate me” solution is to repress fucking everything 

38: My childhood career choice - a vet 39: My favorite ice cream flavour - chocolate 

40: Who wish I could be - a lizard

41: Where I want to be right now - not here lmao

42: The last thing I ate - a grape

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - the one, the only, s h r e k

44: A random fact about anything - my boi Ivan Turgenev didn’t show up to a tea party once and then wrote and apology letter that he couldn’t come because his thumbs were too small

woot woot we done boiiiii

1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young. 

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

NO

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows? 

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

no

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof. 

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ 

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

w

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme 

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

:)

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo! 

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

D:

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it. 

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube? 

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE 

surveys 062.

What battery percentage is your phone on right now? It’s at 55%

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? Yeppppppppppp

Who did you last talk to and what did you say? i sent a comma to kile. I can’t communicate to him anymore but it’s kind of my way of saying I’m here presently and available to read your messages. it probably annoys him and I should stop. 

What's your favourite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes. many times.

How far do you live from New York City? uhhhhh google says 12.5 hours. not too bad.

How often do you talk to your parents? mom usually every day. dad maybe 2x a year

What was the weather like in your town today? lets google. it was 92 today

Are there any phrases or words that you say a lot? talk to me goose, comin’ in hot, that’s ridiculous, sup homie

How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you ever had? ehgghghg

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeah, many times.

What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? serendipity 

What's the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend? I would say John

Do you clean your ears daily? Not daily, but every couple days.

What accent do you have? midwestern.

What scent of air freshener do you keep in your bathroom? It varies. usually a tree scent of some sort

Have you ever dated a model? No.

What's the best job you've ever had? hmm. babysitting an infant for like 2 hours 3x a week and making like 260 bucks a week.

How about the worst? nannying for a family where the dad was constantly trying to hit on me.

Do you have naturally straight hair? No, pretty curly.

What is your ultimate goal in life? To continuously find beauty in every day 

Have you ever visited someone in prison? nope

What months were you and your siblings born in? july, august, august, january

Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them? ahahhahahaha ummm a few of them. i am often in a “forgot your password?” situation

What are your three favourite vegetables? broccoli, cauliflower, potatoes

How many times a day do you check Facebook or any other social network? its SEVERELY decreased since not being on my phone with kile. looking at my phone usually brings me sadness, because i seldom have any word from him. so I just leave it alone.

When was the last time you had a blocked nose? idk.. 5-6 months ago

Who is your favourite comedian? I am not really sure, I dont follow many comedians

What colour are the socks you're wearing today? havent worn any yet

What did you have for dinner last night? steak

What was the last concert you went to? I want to say relient k

Are you an ugly crier? not really no

What scent is the soap or body wash you use in the shower? I’m on vacation so the scent is like a lavendarish scent which is not my style at all.

Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? kind of. -.- not by choice.

Who do you live with? mom & gram

What letter does your street name begin with? numbers

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely I do.

When was the last time you ate at McDonald's? A few weeks ago.

What's your favourite Popsicle flavour? blue

Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? i havent got a clue. I never go on FB

Do you have any injuries at the moment? yes. one of which is my shoulder and its reallyyyyyyy bugging me

Have you ever been to an ophthalmologist? the eye dr i used to go to was both opthamologist and optometrist so yes

Do you own any animal print clothes? oh probably.

Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? im tall. I would, maybe it’d be less off-putting to others

When was the last time you went to a drug store/pharmacy? gosh, like a week ago.

Do you ever binge-watch TV shows? just the same ones ive watched for years

Have you ever mustered up the courage to tell someone how you feel only to be rejected? uhhh, no I can’t say I have. 

Do you keep your files and documents organised in one place? somewhat.

What's your favourite sweet treat to bake? my infamous cookies

Are you good at flirting and letting people know you're interested? ill be real honest, I am so slow to fall for someone that it takes some time for me.

What did you have for breakfast today? toast (gf) and eggs

Do you prefer sweet or savoury breakfasts? Sweet

Do you like chick-flicks? heck’n yea

Have you ever taken an acting class? no. not interested

When was the last time you watched one of your favourite movies? yesterday

How often do you use Youtube? seldom. 

What's the coolest thing you've ever dressed up as for Halloween? i dont really do that.

Are you ignoring anyone right now? yeah :( </3

How do you usually style your hair? It’s always up in a messy bun. especially with the heat. but I might chop it off this fall idk.

Do you have any tattoos? Tell me about them. Nope. i wonder if kile will ever get his

Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? more times than I could count.

When was the last time you used a stove? tonight with a GF zucchini pizza

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat? mushrooms

Are you sitting, standing or laying (or something else) right now? I’m laying on my bed.

How many hours per week do you typically work? --

What was the last pill or tablet you took? probably headache meds or tummy meds on the day of my flight

How far away from your house is the closest grocery store? like 1.4 miles

Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing? Nope.

Who was the last person you complimented? uhhh maybe a sibling

Are you the type of person to take naps, even if you've slept plenty? I WISH

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment? im trying not to, but im not successful yet

The age old question: dogs or cats? STOP ASKING ME TO MAKE A DECISION ON THIS

When was the last time you saw your best friend? ugh. i don’t think ill ever see him. He sent me a picture today, it was really nice to see his face.

Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? nope.

Are you tired right now? eh, not terribly.

Do you like spring rolls? I do.

What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc? street

How many purses or handbags do you own? like 5

Do you get along with all your aunts and uncles? no. some of them I never ever developed relationships with because their parents hated my dad.

Have you ever eavesdropped and heard something you didn't want to hear? Yeah gahhhh i hate that

When was the last time you used a pen, pencil or marker? uhhh yesterday I think

What's your favourite type of curry? None.

Do you often go to do or say something and then just forget? not often

Have you ever had casual sex? Noooooooo. not my thing

What was the last thing you paid for with cash? clothes

What's the last letter of your middle name? h

If your phone rang right now from a number you don't know, would you answer? Nope. I hardly answer for numbers I know

How long is your hair? middle of my back

What was your first pet's name and how did you pick that? Millie. I didn’t have anything to do with that, I was a baby.

Do you drink diet or regular soda? diet. I don’t like the taste of regular.

Have you ever been to Europe? No, but I’d love to go.

Do you worry about your own health? I try not to.

Who did you last make plans with, and what plans did you make? family. 

Can you smell anything right now? Not at the moment, no

How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I was 18 or 19

When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes? ooo boy, its been a minute. I need new shoes, and I also need to get rid of old shoes.

Do you like fruit and vegetable combo juices? not at all. maybe I need to revisit them.

Have you ever been on a spring break trip? Yep yep

Would you rather be warmer or colder right now? colder always.

How tall are your highest heels? I have like 4″ heels but I shouldn’t be wearing them anymore

What's your favourite flavour of frosting? omfg i want frosting so bad. any flavor

When did you wake up today? I fell asleep around 430am and then woke up around 545 my time. 

Do you change your appearance often? I mean, hair color yeah.

What colour are the street signs in your town/suburb? Green

How many people do you work with? --

What was the last thing you ate? piece of chocolate.

Do you have any plans for three hours in the future? either this or sleeping

Has anyone ever made a comment about your weight that offended or upset you? people have definitely made comments about my weight before. just leave me aloneeeeeeeeee.

---- i wish i really was the most important thing on the planet to you. :( maybe then you’d have picked me? </3

Blog Post #5

Feeling: Okay Weather: Cloudy and rainy Last thing I ate: Grapefruit Last thing I drank: Water I saw my therapist today. We discovered that I’m enabling bad behaviors in my interactions with my friends, which is helpful to know. He gave me tips on how to identify it as I interact with them, and when I should start avoiding it/changing it to a healthier response. That’ll be very relieving; I don’t have many friends, and the few I do have are usually in constant crisis like I am, so I’m always trying to help. But it gets to a point where all the advice and support I can give has been laid out, and they still catastrophize. That’s been so draining on me, and he mentioned that this is the point where I ought to set more boundaries for myself. I appreciate this advice greatly, I badly needed it. We didn’t get to my traumas today, like I thought we would, but he said in the next month, we’ll likely get there. He’s getting me into healthy habit-building at the moment, where I start dealing with my trauma responses in the moment instead of letting them stagnate. I’m hungry. I’m making spaghetti at the moment, which I greatly look forward to. It’ll be my first big meal for the day. I might make steak later, Idk. But I’m just working on getting some food in me, and otherwise watching Family Guy again and playing Sims 4. I also aim to exercise a bit after getting some more food in me. I’ve been waiting for a response to my job request; I’ve never had any issues getting a job before, but it looks like COVID has changed that. The only place that responded wasn’t completely forthcoming in their ad; the ad, AND their website, said they worked with “troubled youth,” which to me means “oppositional defiance disorder,” maybe getting in trouble with the law sometimes. I get there, and they admit that they don’t share certain info because of the discrimination they catch for it; turns out it’s a rehab center for kids who are rapists, murderers, so on. Something I’m all for and would’ve been happy to do my best at, but they were looking for people with medical backgrounds, which I don’t have. It was really frustrating that they wasted weeks of my time because of that shit. I wouldn’t’ve even applied if I’d know, ‘cause I know I’m not qualified. Tonight might be another night for an indica pill. I don’t smoke, my lungs can’t take it, but I sometimes take an indica pill so I can relax enough for my sleep meds to work. It was taking me ages to fall asleep last night, so I eventually relented and took one. It worked super well, like always, I just don’t like that it’s the only way I’ve found that gets me to sleep and keeps me that way. Hopefully it’s something that will be worked on in the future, with my therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I’ve been having a horrible headache that doesn’t really go away; I know that having a TBI makes me more prone to brain cancer and shit like that, I’ve been trying to get my doctor to check it out for months now; it was taking so long that they finally gave me the number to the neurologist they were gonna recommend me, and I called the neurologist, left a message, and never heard back. Now I’m just demanding an MRI so I can verify it’s not a mass, and of course I need a doctor’s note for that. So that’s hopefully what I’ll get tomorrow. I haven’t been able to think normally; when I try turning my whole brain on, I instantly get a roaring headache, and that’s never happened before. I don’t have high hopes. I don’t even have high hopes for the appointment tomorrow, I honestly just expect to be jerked around more. I’m just gonna be adamant about getting their permission for an MRI. I’m scared, and I feel like the whole medical system is fucking me over, but I’m trans in the USA, and of course you can never be accepted in any other country/s healthcare system if you don’t live there, so I’m fucked. Here’s to hoping that whatever it is isn’t terminal or crippling.

a week in NYC on a $80,000 salary

Day One

5am: I wake up, snooze for 10 minutes, and do my morning face routine: rose toner, bronze eyeshadow, eyeliner, eyebrows. I make a fried egg over easy (a dozen for $1) and drink some peanut milk (homemade with peanuts, water, and sugar). 

6:45am: I get to my monitoring appointment for my egg freezing process, and I get bloodwork and an ultrasound within 20 minutes. I pay for lupron, a trigger medication for the egg retrieval process scheduled for this weekend. I’m getting my egg freezing reimbursed, but for now I’m paying this out of pocket. $85. 

7:50am: I get to work - it’s a Sunday, but I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me. I immediately get a sign-out about a patient with a weapon in his rectum, so this day is already wild. 

12:00pm: The day hasn’t been too bad, actually; I microwave my pre-packed lunch - white rice with eggplant, chicken, and thai basil. I briefly entertain buying a drink from the vending machine, but it passes. 

6:00pm: After a day of answering pages and browsing furniture, it’s dinner time! I microwave my pre-packed dinner - pesto chicken bread pudding that I made with my brother’s leftover sourdough bread. Back to work. 

8:00pm: Time to go home! The night ended with a patient who caught a goose in Central Park with a fishing net and decapitated it. The police confiscated the knife and the goose. 

10:00pm: Because it’s the weekend, my normal one hour commute becomes two hours. I talk to my prospective roommate about our housing plans, inject myself with follistim and clomiphene for the egg freezing, and pass out. 

Daily total: $85 (to be reimbursed). 

Day Two

6am: Same routine, but an hour later! Wash my face, get dressed, and an egg and peanut milk. Not having to think about breakfast makes my life easier when I’m already so groggy. 

8am: I’m still on the subway, but we have virtual morning lectures from 8am-9am, so I just join on my phone. I get to the hospital at 8:10 and continue the lecture on wifi. I drop off the black sesame milk buns that I made over the weekend in the residents’ lounge. 

9am: We have morning rounds for 30 minutes, and I go see my patients and write their notes. One of my patients is someone I saw in the ED yesterday, and she’s very sweet now that she’s no longer intoxicated. 

12pm: Lunch time! I microwave my pre-packed lunch, same as yesterday, and chill with the other residents for an hour. 

3pm: I count down to 3pm for the donut drop from Kora; within 3 minutes, the donuts are sold out. Thankfully, I made it - 2 sets of the Sari-Sari (leche flan, ube, churron, halo-halo, and keso). All set for pick-up on Friday. :) $65. 

4pm: I get out of work, and go home to chill, work on the apartment rental application, and work out. 

7:30pm: Dinner with my mom eating leftovers, and then Stone Age (a free online board game with friends). 

10pm: Follistim and clomiphene again, and off to bed. 

Daily total: $65 (hopefully will be reimbursed for $56 since I’m sharing with 6 other people) 

Day Three

5am: I have to go for monitoring again today, so I wake up early ... and do the same routine, except with hot HK milk tea instead of peanut milk to warm me up. 

7am: It’s 50 degrees outside, and I decide to cancel my dinner plans (outdoor dining with a friend) because I’m not dressed appropriately for the weather. I go in for monitoring and it turns out I need to take a medication as soon as I get home from work, so I have an even better excuse to cancel.  

10am: I discharge two patients, one of whom is my age and is one of the nicest patients I’ve ever had. I have medical students now, so I bring them along to see my patients. 

12pm: Lunch time - I microwave my pesto chicken bread pudding that I brought from home. I was hoping to snack on a black sesame milk bun, but they’re all gone. :(

5pm: I go home instead of going to dinner, but it turns out that I don’t have the medication after all. I contact the ob/gyn, but it’s not available at any pharmacies; I’ll just pick it up from the clinic tomorrow (for free). 

7:30pm: I eat leftovers again for dinner (peking duck and steamed dumplings). The rest of the night is pretty low-key; lazing in bed and scrolling through social media. I get myself to do a few squats, but I feel so meh that I don’t really end up doing much and call it a night. 

Daily total: $0 

Day Four 

5am: It’s getting pretty tiring waking up early for these appointments - can’t wait for them to be over! The follicles are growing nicely :) I pick up the medication and make sure I don’t lose it this time. 

10am: I discharge another patient, who is legit one of the most motivated patients I’ve ever met; he called his pharmacy to make sure that his medications would get sent properly. 

12pm: I remembered that I had some leftover beef rendang from dinner last week, so I microwave that for lunch. I also take the medication ... vaginally, and I lie down on the couch for 10 minutes awkwardly while my co-residents come in and out of the lounge. 

5pm: I catch up with a friend through FaceTime, and we talk for 2 hours about self-quarantining, socializing, therapy, and being tired introverts. 

7pm: Duke is hosting a free private screening of Miss Juneteenth with a panel of speakers (including the film director and producer), so I watch it while eating dinner with some college friends. I didn’t immediately love the movie, but the panel definitely made me appreciate it a lot more. 

10pm: Medications again, and off to bed because I have ANOTHER early appointment tomorrow. Oof. 

Daily total: $0

Day Five

5am: I press snooze and I basically get out of bed at 5:30 and leave at 5:50. I’m coughing a bit this morning, and I’m 99% sure I don’t have covid, but I don’t know for sure. 

9:30am: I talk to my attending and program coordinator about my very mild symptoms - slightly running nose, dry cough - and they recommend that I just get tested downstairs. It’s very efficient; I sign up for a patient portal, and I get bloodwork and the nasopharyngeal swab for the PCR. I really do not want to get swabbed again unless I have to; it does not feel good. 

12pm: Microwaved lunch again - rice with tofu and beef, which my mom made last night. 

2pm: I’m negative for antibodies! 

5pm: I take a quick trip to Chinatown to grab some snacks - drinks at Bambu for two, which I have 20% off for ($14) and a set of 6 cheese tarts from Pink Lady ($16). $30. 

6pm: My fertility doctor calls me and tells me that we have to reschedule my egg retrieval until I get my covid result back. :( 

7pm: I meet up with two friends for dinner at a Korean-Uzbek restaurant near my house; it turns out that they do outdoor dining! We were originally planning on doing takeout and eating in my backyard, but this works, too. We get lagman (a hot Uzbek beef noodle soup), kuksi soup (a cold Korean noodle soup reminiscent of naemgyung), 4 pieces of manty (Uzbek beef-lamb dumplings served with sour cream), and a Korean beef bun. $17

9pm: We go back to the teahouse in my backyard, and eat cheese tarts and finish our drinks. We lose track of time talking about furniture styles, dating, splurges, and money diaries. I regretfully have to end the night at 10:30pm because it’s time for my medications, and I have to go to sleep. 

Daily total: $47

Day Six

6am: I didn’t have to go in this morning, whew! We also don’t have lecture this morning, so I had a leisurely morning reviewing my patient charts. 

9:30am: Negative covid test, yay!!! Egg retrieval is on for Sunday. 

12pm: Microwaved rice with eggplant, chicken, and thai basil again. I still have 2+ weeks worth of this and the pesto chicken bread pudding at home; I really should freeze it. 

2pm: I try to talk to my new admission, but apparently he refuses to talk for the first three days every admission. So ... just chilling. 

5pm: I go to my bank to get certified checks, but it turns out they’re $12 each and money orders are only $1 at the post office ... so I go to the post office. I get two checks for $1200 and $750 and pay $4.75 in fees. They’re supposed to be reimbursed, but I have to pay the application fee for my rental building up front. $1954.75

6:30pm: I give one donut to my brother and I sell one to someone else, so I get some money back! 

7pm: I meet up with friends for dinner at Tradisyon, where we split a bunch of entrees among 5 people: squid, lechon, sisig, mackerel, and kare kare. Everything was delicious :) We shared the donuts, but they were actually really dense, so we only ate 5. Idk what I’m doing with the 3 leftover donuts :x $15. 

10pm: We continue hanging out but it gets too cold and I need to inject myself at 10:15pm, so we end up going to someone’s studio apartment nearby :O First time hanging out indoors for some of us! 

Daily total: $1969.75 ($1950 to be reimbursed)

Day Seven

8am: I go in for final bloodwork, and I pay for the egg retrieval procedure for tomorrow - oof. I’ve never had to spend so much at one time, and I was mortified when my credit card was declined. We put half on my credit card and half on my debit card. $3250. 

9am: I hang out at Chris’ apartment because I need to wait until 10:15am for my second injection, and I may or may not need to have the procedure today if my bloodwork comes back indicating that I may be ovulating. We chill and wait for Daniella to arrive. 

11am: We decide that it’s way too cold outside to go biking in Central Park or eat out, and we ultimately decide on spicy hunan food from the restaurant right next door to Chris’ apartment. We order a LOT of food - mapo tofu, eggplant with green beans, chongqing chicken, hot and sour soup, beef noodle soup - and eat at his kitchen counter. I drink some of Chris’ tea with his maple oat milk from Trader Joe’s. $24. 

2pm: After a lot of conversations while chilling on Chris’ couch (and a 15 minute nap), we decide to go for a short walk outside so that we can feel slightly productive on our free day together. We check out some cool recycled trash sculptures of dogs that are ... kinda ugly. 

3pm: I go home and spend the rest of the day freecycling (posting stuff I don’t want anymore for other people to pick up from my house) and chilling. 

8pm: It’s Saturday night, which means my dad makes sushi for us. It’s a decadent, delicious, and free meal for me :) 

9pm: I go to bed early for my procedure tomorrow! 

Daily total: $3274 ($3250 to be reimbursed)

Weekly total: $5440.75 ($5317.88 to be reimbursed, so actually $122.87). 

all of em

This is answered on mobile lol

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify

is your room messy or clean?Both??? An organized mess.

what color are your eyes?A light brown.

do you like your name? why?Yes cause I dont know a lot of people with the same name as me.

what is your relationship status? @funkypanda idk what do you think??

describe your personality in 3 words or lessAwkward, perceptive, stressed lmao

what color hair do you have?Brunette naturally. It’s auburnish rn.

what kind of car do you drive? color?None. I have anxiety driving.

where do you shop?Like. Food. Clothes? Be specific lol

how would you describe your style?Girly casual.

favorite social media accountTumblr

what size bed do you have? A queen

any siblings?Nopeif you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?With Alvin, wherever that ends up beingfavorite snapchat filter? The big round glasses one with freckles bc I have natural freckles so it translating on camera is nicefavorite makeup brand(s)E.L.F cause I have sensitive asf skin, Sephorahow many times a week do you shower?Two or three, as stated above, sensitive skin so going above that makes me itchy asffavorite tv show?I don’t really have one. shoe size?6 or 6 1/2

how tall are you?5′1″

sandals or sneakers? Neither. Fucken hate shoes.do you go to the gym? No, I prefer working out at home. Weird gym bros hit on me whenever I go.describe your dream dateSomething hella nerdy but romantic. Museum or aquarium. Arcade!!!! how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?None. Mostly change. what color socks are you wearing? None. Anything on my feet pisses me off. how many pillows do you sleep with?Too goddamn many. 4 or 5.do you have a job? what do you do? Yes, stupid grocery stocker. I want and desperately need a new one.how many friends do you have? *snorts*whats the worst thing you have ever done? Trusted the wrong manwhats your favorite candle scent? Anything flowery or oceany 3 favorite boy namesTheoPeter I don’t have a third3 favorite girl namesEleanor Courtney Sverrefavorite actor? I don’t have onefavorite actress? Same as abovewho is your celebrity crush?Angelina Jolie if I truly had to choose someone. 

favorite movie? Surfs Updo you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I try to? But not really. Favorite book is Will Grayson Will Grayson by John Green for reasons.money or brains? Brainsdo you have a nickname? what is it? Sav, Savi, Vee, Vannah, so many. Fuck. how many times have you been to the hospital?A lot. My mom was a nurse lmao.top 10 favorite songsFUckennNN1) Pyro - Kings of Leon2) Praying - Kesha3) Guys My Age - Hey Violet4) In One Ear - Cage The Elephant 5) Ain’t No Rest For the Wicked - Cage The Elephant6) Work Song - Hozier 7) Anything by The Fray tbh8) Bad Liar - Selena Gomez 9) Mother & Father - Broods10) Hold Me Down - Halsey

do you take any medications daily? Nopewhat is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)Both, it’s mixedwhat is your biggest fear? Dying alonehow many kids do you want? One, I think that’s all I could handle. But I’d like a mini family.whats your go to hair style?I just wear it down most days. Too heavy to have it up.what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) An apartment lmaowho is your role model? My momwhat was the last compliment you received?“affection erection” what was the last text you sent?“I’m..I’m doing my best”how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?10. I still lowkey believe though.what is your dream car? 1967 Thunderbird. Blue.opinion on smoking?Gross. No.do you go to college? No but will be taking summer classes I hopewhat is your dream job? Zoology!! I wanna save animals and teach kidswould you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? A healthy mixture of bothdo you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? No cause it’s always awful on my hairdo you have freckles? All over my facedo you smile for pictures?No. I hate my smile lmaohow many pictures do you have on your phone? Do I have to count them lmaohave you ever peed in the woods? yeah it’s called campingdo you still watch cartoons? SU sometimesdo you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?None of the above, I don’t eat meatFavorite dipping sauce? ...I’m so whiteranchwhat do you wear to bed? If I can get away with it, nothing. Mostly though a t-shirt and sweatshave you ever won a spelling bee?No but I nearly entered once. Social anxiety fucked that one up. what are your hobbies?Graphic design, writing, biking, video gamescan you draw? Not welldo you play an instrument?No but I’d like to learn violin what was the last concert you saw? Fucken some country artist at a fair idktea or coffee?NeitherStarbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Ehhh indifferent do you want to get married?Fuck yeah I dowhat is your crush’s first and last initial?A.Ware you going to change your last name when you get married? Yeah I hate my last namewhat color looks best on you? Dark red, maroonishdo you miss anyone right now? @funkypanda :cdo you sleep with your door open or closed?Closeddo you believe in ghosts?yeeepwhat is your biggest pet peeve? LOUD. CHEWING. I have not spoken to people for days over this.last person you called`Alvviiinnfavorite ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate chipregular oreos or golden oreos? Golden *prepares to get flailed* chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? RAINBOW IM GAYwhat shirt are you wearing? It’s an old baggy tee because tiredwhat is your phone background?It’s Alvins’ faceare you outgoing or shy?Shyyyy but once I get comfy with someone, more outgoingdo you like it when people play with your hair?MmmMMMM YESdo you like your neighbors? Nodo you wash your face? at night? in the morning?No. Weirdly enough washing my face makes me break out. I am happily acne free. have you ever been high? I wishhave you ever been drunk? Partiallylast thing you ate? Soupfavorite lyrics right now“Towers of gold are still too littleThese hands could hold the world but it'llNever be enough” summer or winter? Summer i am so over FuckEnsnOW and the COLD I AM SO DONEday or night? Nightdark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk, or whitefavorite month? Juneewhat is your zodiac signLibra.  who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom

I was feeling invalid

Quick warning: the is a *long* post, and the invalidity I felt was actually remedied by writing this, so do not feel obligated to read it all! Sure, when I was younger I chose to be alone a *lot*, but I had friends. I was socially awkward, sure, but what 5 year old is really that great at being social? Yeah, whenever I went somewhere new I would cling to my sister and be completely unable to make new friends, but by the same token, at a *very* young age I figured out an algorithm for making and maintaining friendships: compliments! I think it was when I was 8 that I figured this out, which was fortunate because at around 7 kids were no longer friends with the entire class, and making friends was no longer easy. At 7, I found myself alone at recess nearly every day, hyperfixated on finding 4-leaf clovers (I was finding at least 1 a day at one point), so when I discovered the compliment algorithm I was able to smoothly transition and continue making friends. Of course, I still chose to be alone for a vast majority of recesses. But being asocial doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was an extremely naiive child, kids easily lied to me and I believed them. But being naiive in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean I'm autistic. When I was in kindergarten I was friends with someone. Close friends. In first grade, however, she avoided me like I was the plague. I cried and cried, and even confronted her, and she basically just told me "idk, I guess I just don't really like you." But having a person dislike me doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was always moving as a child, I had attention problems, and I also was diagnosed with both adhd and ocd when I was only 8. I talked too fast and was known to mumble (I say "was" as if I don't still do those things now lol). I also many times forget the word I want to use, and I end up blabbering nonsense trying to figure out how to convey what I want to say. Sometimes I don't forget whole words, I can't translate my thoughts because my thoughts aren't organized like normal thoughts. A majority of the time I am thinking in either pictures or feelings rather than words, and I simply can't say anything related to the topic I want to talk about because in my mind there are literally no words to even begin explaining it. I'm 1000% better at writing than talking. But speech problems don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. I guess I had experience with going partially nonverbal, but I never had a word to describe being physically unable to speak or initiate conversations unless spoken to first. But again, going partially nonverbal sometimes doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little my sister was diagnosed with aspergers. She would throw huge tantrums/melt down easily, so a lot of the focus went to her. I never really had any melt downs. In fact, when I was 6, my sister paid me a nickle to not cry in front of her, and it took *years* to be able to cry in her vicinity again. However, I was certainly not immune to crying; I was an empath. If you were crying, chances were I was crying too. Whenever my sister had a meltdown I would feel her pain, and I would hide in my favorite place underneath the same chair. I *had* to cry there. But high empathy doesn't mean I'm autistic - in fact, there's even a stereotype that autistics don't feel empathy at all. When I was 11, I was half forced out of my friend group and half decided for myself to leave it. I had one friend at the time, and she (let's call her "M") was hella popular. I never fit into the friend group. I was invited to fewer and fewer parties as time went on, and no one in the group except for my one friend liked me. Eventually she stopped liking me too, and I was left to fend for myself. But being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was briefly friends with the girl I was assigned to share a seat with on the bus. We started a whole mini show routine that we would do every day on the bus. It was called the Stupid and Cupid Show. Despite my efforts to get her to change the name, I was stuck being known as "Stupid." I never realized at the time how horrible that name made me feel, but it didn't matter, because eventually she left me as well. As is said in the last paragraph, being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. In seventh grade I was looped into a whole strange "family" (which is a story for another time) and suddenly had a *ton* of people considering themselves to be friends with me. It was around then that I realized I was touch averse, because PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW KNEW MY NAME AND KEPT HUGGING ME WITHOUT ASKING. Fortunately this didn't last long either, because like all of my frienships, it dissolved pretty quickly. This time, however, everyone blamed me for something I didn't do, and I was left with that entire huge group hating me. I didn't even find out why everyone suddenly hated me until a year later. But useless teen (not even, we were like ~11-12 years old) drama doesn't mean I'm autistic. My entire time in middle school was honestly horrible. My typical algorithm for making friends stopped working, and while I found a temporary replacement (empathizing with people as conversation) it was not nearly as effective. I was never exactly bullied per se, I just got stuck in the same classroom with some really fuckin mean people. I called them all "Tapper Dude." They would bang out off beat tunes on their desks *constantly*. This banging was sensory HELL ( though i didn't know the term "sensory hell" yet). I was going home and often crying because of the stress of being trapped with these people who wouldn't stop (the teachers didn't even try to stop them despite my many, many complaints). I couldn't do anything, couldn't work,couldn't concentrate, and would literally beg my teachers to let me work in the hallway so I could finally have some peace. They literally never let me work in the hallway, despite it being silent (except for that damn banging) individual work. ( I'm honestly still fuckin pissed that my teachers did nothing to help me!) But being hypersensitive to some banging on a desk doesn't mean I'm autistic. Jumping back to never being able to sit still, I still stim today. Not nearly as much then as I do now though. The need to stand rather than sit in my desk at school coulde easily be attributed to my adhd. On top of needed to stand, I was always doodling on my worksheets. Teachers would make me redo the entire sheet if they found my doodles, or they would grab my drawing off of my desk and crumple it up and throw it in the trash. Even as I type this now, my legs are shaking and bouncing and hitting each other. But this could easily be blamed on my having adhd. Having ADHD doesn't mean I have autism. I had weird fixations when I was younger. At 5 it was finding 4-leaf clovers, at 9 it was arranging bookshelves, which after ~6 months evolved into an obsession with reading classics. At only 9 years old, I attempted to read the entirety of Mobey Dick (I didn't get a chance to finish, the school year ended and I had to return the book to the school library 😣). Up until I was 8 I was obsessed with all things medical ( which involved reading the same 3 books over and over and over again). At 17 I became obsessed with slugs /sea slugs ( as I'm sure many of you are aware) along with developing an obsession with autism in and of itself. And ever since I was 5, I've been obsessed with hypnosis, the topic is in my brain basically 24/7, though I try to ignore this obsession because it's nearly impossible to find good media representations of it. I was exposed to porn at a very young age because of my seeking out hypnosis related material, and ever since then I've been wary of seeking it out for fear of finding even more erotic content 😣😣😣. Basically, what I'm saying is, I have had special interests, but I've also seen that something similar (hyperfixations) can be found in, once again, adhd!! So special interests don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. Eye contact. Hello darkness my old friend :)). I honestly have always hated eye contact, but, just like with my social skills, I figured out a loophole at an extremely young age. Foreheads and noses are an autistics best friends, and using these tools, I believe I've effectively fooled everyone I've encountered into think I have good eye contact. Honestly, up until I learned more about autism, I kinda just assumed eye contact was a figure of speech or something that people said better never actually did. But poor eye contact doesn't mean I'm autistic. Figures of speech are weird. I often overthink them to the point of incomprehensibility. I use figures of speech all the time (in fact I believe I used one earlier in this very post), but I've begun to suspect that all of the figures of speech I "understand" are only understood because school spent so much time drilling the meaning into my head. My suspicions arised from the fact that whenever I hear a new figure of speech, I don't understand what it means, even sometimes after it's been explained to me. On top of that, with sarcasm, I can only understand it if it's used by someone I know well. Understanding or not understanding figures of speech don't necessarily mean I'm autistic though. I've always been accident prone. I crash into walls and tables and chairs. I've also fallen both up and down the stairs. My fine motor movements also took much longer to develop as compared to others. Messy scissor cuttings, messy shirt after eating, and messy handwriting. My mom calls my handwriting "chicken scratch", though I personally don't think it's that bad. But poor coordination doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little, I only ate like 3 things. Everything else was considered absolutely disgusting. My parents would literally pay me to try certain foods, but it usually ended up being gross or a bad texture. Smells could also be *incredibly* overwhelming. Ketchup especially. I was supposed to clear the table every day, but whenever my parents used ketchup, I would either cry until they let me off the hook or pay my sister to do it for me. Even now, I refuse to even touch a clean ketchup bottle, it's just g r o s. My mom also eats this really gross cranberry chicken salad thing that I can't even be on the same level of the house when she's eating it because it'll literally cause me to cry. I also can't touch the carpet barefoot, and certain textures are *horrid*. Though not formally diagnosed with either autism or sensory processing disorder, I am 100% sure I have sensory processing disorder. My sensory issues are worse than my sister's, and she's actually been diagnosed with autism! From others, I've never really mentioned that I think I'm on the autism spectrum; I don't think they'd believe me. I seem to hold a conversation just fine! ( that is,until we're in a group of more than two people. Then I lose the ability to tell when it's my turn to speak, so I end up remaining silent, half because I don't know when it's my turn and half because I can never get a word in anyway). Sure, the few friends I have (the empathy algorithm stopped working because my friends broke me and I actually lost all empathy, which I'm still trying to recover from. The latest algorithm is bombarding the person with questions when you can't get a conversation going. * something* has to spark a conversation, right!? W r o n g. This is why I'm down to 3 or 4 friends.) all agree I'm incredibly socially awkward. And sure, I fill any silence with stimming, usually involving grabbing things I'm not supposed to touch or poking the person I'm with (idk man, my brain goes into panic mode and it just keeps repeating "poke them" until I appease it). In fact, just yesterday I hung out with a friend, and we had a casual good time. It's times like these that *really* make me question whether or not I'm autistic. Though it may sound like it, I'm not saying it's impossible for an autistic to have friends - in fact, in the short year that I've had this blog, I've managed to befriend quite a few of you wonderful people! I guess I'm just saying that while autistics can have friends and still be valid, *I* can't. Of course, having no friends doesn't mean I'm autistic ( much in the same way having friends doesn't mean I'm *not* autistic ). Overall, I'm worried my social awkwardness / social deficits, though they do exist, aren't enough to actually consider myself autistic. I am confident that I have ADHD and SPD, but what if those two are just combining to closely mimic autism? My blog has gotten fairly popular, and I'm really feeling invalid tonight, so I figured I'd outline the main symptoms and let you guys determine if you're okay with me running an autism blog and using the tags. I still think I have autism, and I shouldn't need to get validation from strangers on the internet, but I felt like it was important to outline this.

rules: You must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

tagged by: my favorite @geissbock​

tagging: @queen-elenya-hawk, @theysangastheyslew, anybody who wants to do it? same old...

the last

·         1. drink: black tea

·         2. phone call: my mother

·         3. text message: @geissbock​ xD

·         4. song you listened to: Hikaru Utada - Simple and Clean (Ray of Hope mix)

·         5. time you cried:  yesterday

·         6. dated someone: loser for life :)

·         7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah

·         8. been cheated on: nope

·         9. lost someone special: People come and go but right now, I don’t       feel like I would call anybody “special” or that I “lost” them. Idk it’s hard to explain (I don’t count family members who passed away)

·         10. been depressed: ...today?

·         11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Never! I can proudly say that

3 favourite colours

·         12. burgundy

·         13. blue

·         14. dark green, like the camouflage green

in the last year have you

·         15. made new friends: yes

·         16. fallen out of love: No

·         17. laughed until you cried: yes

·         18. found out someone was talking about you: no

·         19. met someone who changed you: Sadly no

·         20. found out who your friends are:  kinda

·         21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope (since I don’t have a list XD)

general

·         22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: none because I don’t add people to my Facebook, it’s only for KHUX backups

·         23. do you have any pets: sadly no

·         24. do you want to change your name: I wanted to as a child but not anymore

·         25. what did you do for your last birthday: I went shopping for groceries (haha how sad), bought raw ground pork, seasoned it and ate it. And then just watched TV all day I think

·         26. what time did you wake up: the first clock rang at 6 am

·         27. what were you doing at midnight last night: I think showering?

·         28. name something you can’t wait for:  To get out of this mess so I can finally take a breath and not risk a heart attack every day

·         29. when was the last time you saw your mom:  Tuesday

·         31. what are you listening to right now: nothing and I’m bored

·         32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes

·         33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself. And those crappy “HAHAHA KH3 WILL BE DELAYED ANYWAYS” people who think they are funny

·         34. most visited website: sadly this hellhole

·         35. hair colour: according to hairdressers dark blond. According to people light brown. According to me “What the hell why is there gold and red in it when the sun just hits it like that??”

·         36. long or short hair: I love long hair

·         37. do you have a crush on someone: Nah

·         38. what do you like about yourself: literally nothing

·         39. piercings: do ear lobe piercings count? If yes then three. I’d love a fourth one and a Helix piercing some day, though

·         40. blood type: B positive

·         41. nickname: Alex, Alja on the internet

·         42. relationship status: Single

·         43. zodiac: Cancer

·         44. pronouns: She/her

·         45. favourite tv show: a German show called “Mein Leben und ich”

·         46. tattoos: No, but thinking about it

·         47. right or left handed: Right handed

·         48. surgery: one, to remove my gallbladder. Looking at my dad’s medical history, I’m in for a lot though. Can’t wait!!!!

·         50. sport: none? I do want to get into yoga though...

·         51. last vacation: My end-of-school-trip to the Netherlands?

·         52. pair of trainers: Two

MORE GENERAL

·         53. eating: Asian stir fry

·         54. drinking: Tea, coke

·         55. I’m about to: call someone

·         56. waiting for: documents, photos

·         57. want: to finally get out of this horrible rut

·         58. get married: nobody will want someone like me so no

·         59. career: Biochemical assistant. If all fails anything to get by financially

WHICH IS BETTER

·         60. hugs or kisses: hugs

·         61. lips or eyes: eyes

·         62. shorter or taller: taller

·         63. older or younger: younger? idk depends on the age?

·         64. nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms

·         65. hook up or relationship: relationship

·         66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

·         67. kissed a stranger: No

·         68. drank hard liquor: yes. and apparently advocaat counts as hard liquor too looool tf

·         69. lost glasses/contact lenses: No

·         70. turned someone down: Yes

·         71. sex on the first date: No

·         72. broken someone’s heart:  I... think? It was a weird situation

·         73. had your heart broken: yes

·         74. been arrested: No

·         75. cried when someone died: Yes

·         76. fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

·         77. yourself: nope

·         78. miracles: no but I still hope I guess

·         79. love at first sight: I’m sure it’s possible for some

.         80. santa claus: Only for Sora

·         81. kiss on the first date: If they wanna do it why not?

·         82. angels: no

OTHER:

·         84. eye colour: brown

·         85. favourite movie: Idk. I honestly don’t know. I like quite a few movies but I can’t really make myself call any of them my favorite.

1-100. Just give it to me all

ALNLSNGLSG ARE YOU SERIOUS OMFG im so sorry this is going to be Long

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? I’ll say Pandora just because it’s the only one I’ve actually ever used. If I used Spotify I’d probably like it the most but I don’t use those apps so

2. is your room messy or clean?VERY VERY MESSY I need to clean it but im lazy

3. what color are your eyes?Brown!

4. do you like your name? why?My birth name? No. And that’s why I changed it ahahahaha yes I like the name Jae since i chose it myself. It’s short and simple

5. what is your relationship status?Single 

6. describe your personality in 3 words or lessContradictory ....... Situational 

7. what color hair do you have?Currently it’s blue c: Natural color is a lightish brown

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?I don’t have a car nor a license :/ I want a motorbike tho ! a black one

9. where do you shop?I shop pretty much exclusively online. Buyma or Amazon, typically

10. how would you describe your style?I’ve been told that I dress like a “bad boy”. I like leather and black and ripped skinny jeans but I do like casual stuff too. Like hoodies and sweats

11. favorite social media accountIf this is talking about my own social media accounts, then this one right here on tumblr. I’m not very active anywhere else

12. what size bed do you have?uuuuhhhh I don’t know proper terminology but it is small

13. any siblings?Yup! I have an older sister and a younger brother

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Japan probably? It’s super pretty and I’ve always wanted to visit

15. favorite snapchat filter?hmm I don’t use snapchat that much but probably the flower crown one it’s cute

16. favorite makeup brand(s)I don’t wear makeup tbh so i dunnooooo 

17. how many times a week do you shower?7 I don’t ever skip showering 

18. favorite tv show?Psych? I also like the 100 currently

19. shoe size?asglnasg... god .... im a 6 in mens nd like a 7 in womens i have small feet

20. how tall are you?ALNSLGNSG im trusting no one has read this far so it’s okay to disclose this info...exposin myself.. im 5′2″ ............

21. sandals or sneakers?Sneakers !! I don’t wear sandals like ever

22. do you go to the gym?Yes! Only recently, actually! I just bought a gym membership with my friend and we’ve been going 3 times a week c:

23. describe your dream dateoh geez I havent really thought about this? I’m not very romantic or anything (im on the ace spectrum) but... i dunno. I think it’d be nice to just have fun together. An amusement park maybe? And just a lot of hand holding and smiles

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?Upwards of 100 bcuz my mom keeps giving me money even tho i dont use it

25. what color socks are you wearing?HAH im not wearing any 

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?1-2 it depends on the night

27. do you have a job? what do you do?I work at the cafeteria in my school. I run the register and help to stock items and also serve food to people

28. how many friends do you have?wow this is a Tragic question. Online I have quite a few! In person i literally have....... 2. Barely that lol. More like one

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?Killed my sister’s fish (on accident)

30. whats your favorite candle scent?I’ve never thought about this or really smelled many candles to begin with :( something mild though. Maybe a mild vanilla??

31. 3 favorite boy namesuuhghg 1) Cain 2) Luka 3) Eden

32. 3 favorite girl names1) Erin 2) Rayna 3) Kira

33. favorite actor?I rly dont give a crap about actors if I’m being honest lmao. Uhh choi minho :)

34. favorite actress?Lupita Nyong’o?? she’s gorgeous

35. who is your celebrity crush?I don’t have a crush on him but does Lee Taemin count

36. favorite movie?Princess Mononoke

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?I read ff more than books these days. I don’t have a fav book

38. money or brains?is this what I prefer? Money binch if I had money I wouldn’t need brains also I’m dumb anyways 

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?No I do not

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?Twice? Maybe 3 times

41. top 10 favorite songscheck out shinee’s entire discography 

42. do you take any medications daily?Nope

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)i ?? have no idea?? I guess oily? My skin doesn’t get dry so

44. what is your biggest fear?Probably flying. I hate planes

45. how many kids do you want?Exactly none

46. whats your go to hair style?? uh side-swept? I have no idea what to call it just what my hair normally looks like I guess

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)A moderately sized house

48. who is your role model?Not to be cheesy but Lee Taemin also Kim Kibum also Choi Minho also Kim Jonghyun also Lee Jinki

49. what was the last compliment you received?that I’m great? lol

50. what was the last text you sent?’okay’ to my mom lmao

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?ARE YOU TELLING ME SANTA ISNT REAL??? okay but for real who remembers the age they find out omg .. i was Young so idk maybe like 13

52. what is your dream car?ohhh boy a lambo for sure

53. opinion on smoking?Gross. Smells terrible

54. do you go to college?I do indeed. I’m gonna be a senior ya’ll

55. what is your dream job?To be a writer I guess. I don’t really have a dream job

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?Suburbs? I dunno. I like living in the city I’d probably die of boredom in some rural area

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?hell yea binch

58. do you have freckles?nope!

59. do you smile for pictures?Not for selfies but for other pictures yes I feel like it’s weird or rude not to

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?like 300 something

61. have you ever peed in the woods?what the fuck?? lol?? no??

62. do you still watch cartoons?does voltron count :/

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?neither if I’m being honest but Wendy’s I guess. I never ever eat at mcdonalds

64. Favorite dipping sauce?barbeque sauce?

65. what do you wear to bed?An oversized shirt and boxers lol

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?no i cant say I have

67. what are your hobbies?Writing, sometimes. Playing video games. Bein unhealthy

68. can you draw?Naaaah

69. do you play an instrument?No :( I wish I did but I never learned any

70. what was the last concert you saw?SHINEE WORLD V IN LA!!!!!!!!! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

71. tea or coffee?Coffee bcuz i h8 tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Well the coffee at dunkin donuts is worlds better so dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?no

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?i dont have a crush

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?’when’ lol i dont plan to get married

76. what color looks best on you?black, in my opinion

77. do you miss anyone right now?no not really

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?open because if it’s closed my cat will scratch on it incessantly until she’s let in

79. do you believe in ghosts?hell yeah dude

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?when people like, dance around a subject. I prefer it when people are straightforward. Especially if they want something from me

81. last person you called`Honest to god I can’t remember. I don’t ever call people lmao so probably my mom

82. favorite ice cream flavor?I like Rocky Road a lot!

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?regular. Golden oreos are a lesser creation

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?RAINBOW. GIMME DAT GAY SHIT

85. what shirt are you wearing?It’s just a plain white t-shirt

86. what is your phone background?ot5

87. are you outgoing or shy?Horribly, annoyingly shy although I can mask it pretty well

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?yes :D

89. do you like your neighbors?lmao I don’t know them?? They arent noisy though so yes I like them since they aren’t annoying or anything

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?Both. I take a shower in the morning and wash it then. And then do a skincare routine at night

91. have you ever been high?no.... not that I know of. One time I took nyquil though and it Fucked Me Up i felt high but idk if I was or if that’s even possible

92. have you ever been drunk?nope. I’m not a huge fan of the idea of getting drunk. I don’t like letting my guard down like that so if I ever do it’ll be when I’m alone

93. last thing you ate?a mento 

94. favorite lyrics right nowthe entire lyrics to So Far Away by yoongi

95. summer or winter?WINTER. I hate summer fashion i like being able to wear my jackets and jeans and not Die of heat stroke

96. day or night?night I guess just bcuz I can be alone

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?dark chocolate is superior in every way

98. favorite month?uhm.. December? Because its the end of the year and I’m on break then and Christmas and cold weather and hot chocolate

99. what is your zodiac signI’m a virgo 

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?uhhhHHHH I really make it a Goal to never cry in front of people since im just super uncomfortable with that and honestly dont feel comfortable enough around anyone to do that. My sister walked in on me when I was crying once though so her I guess

In yet another tag, this time by your friendly internet avian @dead-nightingale I answer a hella ton of questions that I’m not going to tag a whole 25 people in because I don’t know that many people, the people I would normally tag have been tagged already, and I think alot of people don’t like these! Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST…

1. Drink: apple juice

2. Phone call: my dad

3. Text message: my friend Ian

4. Song you listened to: Castle On The Hill (I could have sworn the lyrics where ‘cars along the hill’ not ‘castle on the hill’)

5. Time you cried: I teared up in the car earlier does that count

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: nope

7. Been cheated on: thankfully no

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: never been kissed

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: I mean, I’ve never been medically diagnosed but sometimes I really wonder but if you mean have I ever felt then yeah I would say so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no and I hope I will never

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. Blue(s)

13. Green(s)

14. Black and White

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: probably not? I mean I’ve talked to people and been friendly but I don't know if it would classify as friendship?

16. Fallen out of love:  probably, with fictional characters/shows.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah definitely, it’s the best feeling late at night on the internet when you should be asleep but you get a feeling of summer freedom where you can do whatever you want and god its such a nice feeling.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so, its definitely happened but I haven’t found out about it.

19. Met someone who changed you: We haven’t met within a year but we’re gotten to know each other better and then yeah.

20. Found out who your true friends are: No, I don’t think that’ll ever be clear

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I do not do the facebook

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see 21.

23. Do you have any pets: my mom’s fish just dies, so no.

24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes, but I think I’ll be fine as long as nicknames exist.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Not sure, I think my parents just forced me out of the house and took me to my favorite sushi place and then the mall (didn’t get anything though, just went into shops) and then I helped make my birthday dinner which we ate along with my cake that I made the night before (I’ve made it a tradition to make myself a cheesecake for my cake since middle school I think)

26. What time did you wake up: surprisingly early today, 8 AM. I was on a couch mattress at my nana’s and it wasn’t that comfortable.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing mysme and reading http://archiveofourown.org/works/592629/chapters/1066944

28. Name something you cannot wait for: the moment in life when I feel actual motivation to do something

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago when I was being scolded about math grades that just came in

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my personality? I feel like another person would deal with life in a better way than I’ve been probably.

31. What are you listening to right now: On The Spot #100 again because Jon Risinger.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Riddle, yes, but it was very one sided. (actually we went to get subs yesterday and there was a lovely old man named Tom who was chatting my brother up while my mom was looking for chips. We wanted to get chicken tender subs but they were out so we god cold cut and he rang it up as the sandwich that was on sale at the time because we waited to see if they other employee was going to get the chicken but she just slowly continued working on whole fired chicken)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that no employer will hire me

34. Most visited website: Youtube or AO3

35. Elementary: My dear Watson? Idk I moved halfway through second grade and spent half a year at one school before switching to a better one only a few minuted farther away.

36. High School: currently in, starting senior year in the fall. I go to a different one than my siblings because mine has a culinary academy.

37. College/university: No idea what to do with this, will burn that bridge when we come to it.

38. Hair colour: brown

39. Long or short hair: medium atm but am planning to get it cut soon hopefully.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: fictional, yeah.

41. What do you like about yourself: hair, physically, and my cosplay ability I like to take pride in.

42. Piercings: one in each ear, but they’re rarely used anymore

43. Blood type: Idk but I want to find out

44. Nickname: Several but I haven't been around any of my friends who use them in a while so I cant think of any

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac sign: Leo

47. Pronouns: she/her, cis

48. Favourite TV show: atla, they still show it, so it counts.

49. Tattoos: none, but plan to, if i can ever decide on anything

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: none that I know of

52. Piercing: ears when I was so young

54. Sport: basketball, but only because my mom wanted me to be active.

55. Vacation: too young idk, but I remember visiting family in Maryland in the winter and there was snow any I tried to eat ice with dirt on it but my dad told me not to but I licked it when he wasn’t looking.

56. Pair of trainers: no idea

57. Eating: how are we supposed to remember any of this?

58. Drinking: My mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but only a tiny sip and I don’t remember what it tastes like.

59. I’m about to: go to bed probably

60. Listening to: OTS ended so now, ‘Lost in Thoughts All Alone’ Amalee English ver. on loop.

61. Waiting for: a will to live  motivation

62. Want: love, platonic or romantic idc just somthing special and comforting with another human being. I f not that then at least a cat that loves me.

63. Get married: maybe, it seems like a bit of a hassle? But I heard there are benefits, so if we need those, or if my partner wants to.

64. Career: none currently, and too indecisive to have a clear idea of what I want.

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: I feel like I’d be too nervous to try kisses until I’m really comfortable, but I absolutely love hugs ok like a lot

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller, I like being a bit shorter

68. Older or younger: I used to only think same age was an option but I don’t have a preference.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice stomach, I feel like I’d like to lay down together and use it as a pillow

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: I would be ok with a hook up, but I want a relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker, I feel like I’m too hesitant. I need someone to be able to drag me out to do things without making me hate them.

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: nope

75. Drank hard liquor?: does the lemonade sip count

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: I have neither but my brothers have

77. Turned someone down: I kind of didn't give an actual answer until I felt bad enough to say yes but I ended it soon after.

78. Sex on first date: nonononono I don’t think anything I have will turn out like that anyway thankfully but no

79. Broken someone’s heart: I broke up with someone, but I’m almost certain he only asked me out because he wanted to annoy my brother and he just wanted a girlfriend and he was too chill about it so no.

80. Had your heart broken: I have never approached someone are you kidding me, conceal don’t feel don’t let it show

81. Been arrested: yeah no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: I keep wondering if I have but then I think “why do you always do this you are friends and reading too much into this”

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: people actually do that?

85. Miracles: I use the phrase but I don’t believe in anything “divine’ so no

86. Love at first sight: I don’t think you can truly fall in love with someone if you don’t know them...

87. Santa Claus: yes

88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek for goodbye

89. Angels: not in reality, but I love reading about them

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: Aly

91. Eye colour: brown

92. Favourite movie: 2003 live action Peter Pan

I lied I’m gonna tag three people ok fight me

@neofox0 @paytonbriauna @littlebitofanutcase

Tag

Tagged by the lovely @moonsuke thank you for choosing me 😊 Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag however many people you want THE LAST... 1. Drink: Hibiscus tea 2. Phone call: my mom 3. Text message: friendd 4. Song you listened to: Ta-ku- Higher (Flume remix) 5. Time you cried: sometime at the beginning of June ;-; HAVE YOU... 6. Dated someone twice: lol no 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I haven't kissed anyone at all :p 8. Been cheated on: thank goodness no 9. Lost someone special: no 10. Been depressed: I'm somewhat down right now actually, idk why 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I'm underage LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS 12-14. You know Sasuke's color scheme? Yea IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU... 15. Made new friends: yus 16. Fallen out of love: nope 17. Laughed until you cried: bruh yesterday all day 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no 19. Met someone who changed you: I like to think everyone you meet changes you in some way 20. Found out who your friends are: yes 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don't have Facebook GENERAL 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 😐 23. Do you have any pets: YES 24. Do you want to change your name: no? My name isn't very common (Russian, apparently) and I kind of like that lol 25. What did you do for your last birthday: no clue my dude 26. What time did you wake up: 6:30 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Angsting over a narusasu fic I read 28. Name something you can't wait for: school to start (I like school ok) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: an hour ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my anxiety 31. What are you listening to right now: utter silence (damn) 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: society 34. Most visited website: dang.. There's a lot.. Pinterest I suppose LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: barely any. I have light freckles tho! 36. Mark/s: a birthmark.. two scars.. Thats about it, yep. 37. Childhood dream: make my parents proud and get a penguin from Antarctica :p do penguins even live in Antarctica? 38. Hair color: Black 39. Long or short hair: Somewhat long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: fictional characters yes 41. What do you like about yourself: hm... I like to see the good in everyone 42. Piercings: my ears 43. Blood type: No clue 44. Nickname: Tani 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: Virgo (you know how they changed the dates for them tho? Apparently I'm a Leo now. But I'm attached to being a Virgo...) 47. Pronouns: anything 48. Favorite TV show: Telenovelas man.. 49. Tattoos: nah 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: I might get one on my left knee... D: 52. Hair dyed in different color: nah 53. Sport: I like running and want to do track really bad... But I can't - idk what happened to 54- 55. Vacation: Japan. Beautiful culture. Also Russia, Italy, France, Thailand, Vietnam, Brazil, Venezuela, UK, Greece, Spain (might go there next summer woop) India, etc. 56. Pair of trainers: wat MORE GENERAL 57. Eating: I ate a cookie a few minutes ago 58. Drinking: Hibiscus tea 59. I'm about to: draw -54 and 60 eloped- 61. Waiting for: Nothing in particular 62. Want: To not be judged by my race and/or gender 63. Get married: marriage sounds nice... But not anytime soon 64. Career: Psychology or ophthalmologist (something in the medical field, really.) WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs are so cute 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes for sure 67. Shorter or taller: idk.. 68. Older or younger: In terms of what I look for in a significant other? I suppose older. I like maturity in a person and guys my age are anything but that -69 is gone too ;-; - 70. Nice arms or nice stomache: equal niceness between the two 71. Sensitive or loud: I don't like loud stuff :p in a partner though I think I would prefer loud. Need someone to balance me out since I'm sensitive lol 72. Hook up or relationship: I don't have time for that tbh (in the future though, relationship) 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: in my person? I'm hesitant HAVE YOU EVER 74. Kissed a stranger: god no 75. Drank hard liquor: no 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I broke my friends glasses once and freaked out so I threw them across her yard and said I lost them. Does that count? (I was a stupid 7 year old) 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: eh?? 79. Broken someone's heart: I guess so.. (He asked me out like, 5 times wtf.. He was a fuckboy tho) 80. Had your heart broken: no 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: no DO YOU BELIEVE IN 84. Yourself: pfft no (sometimes) 85. Miracles: yes 86. Love at first sight: no 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss on the first date: depends OTHER 90. best friends name: That conceited bitch doesn't deserve my friendship after degrading me that much 🙃 91. Eye color: brown (almost black) 92. Favorite movie: Kimi No Na Wa is so beautiful Tagging: anyone who would like to do it :) just tag me so I can see the responses you lovely people give