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partywithponies · 4 years

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hi! i've only ever seen the bbc version of father brown and i've never read the books (i know, i'm so sorry), but i'm super curious about the different versions of father brown and you seem like an expert on each adaptation, so i was wondering if you'd be willing to give me a rundown of sorts on each version/series? i know it's a lot to ask and i may be opening the floodgates here, but there's not a ton of info online elsewhere and i'd love to learn more! thanks either way. ciao!

OH BOY YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE ANON

OKAY SO

As briefly as possible:

The books:

Proof people who complain about the BBC show being “too political” don’t actually know the books at all

Father Brown straight up calls capitalism “evil” and “heresy”

Chesterton says that millionaires dying isn’t a tragedy

Inspector Valentin betrayed us and broke my heart, ACAB I guess

Since every police officer he befriends lets him down in some way, Father Brown’s only real friend is Flambeau, who he goes absolutely everywhere with. They only go on holiday with each other. They’ve been all over the world with each other. I love they

Book Father Brown pretty much never does his goddamn job. We literally never in all the books see him giving mass or taking confession. The closest we get is when he gives an impromptu sermon after seemingly coming back from the dead, where he literally only says "You silly, silly people. God bless you all and give you more sense." then runs away to send a telegram. Useless priest. I love him.

Book Flambeau is. Incredible. Amazing. Iconic. None of the adaptations have been able to fully capture book Flambeau’s true energy, for he is a walking contradiction who contains multitudes. If all the onscreen Flambeaus fused into one being, THEN you’d have something vaguely resembling book Flambeau.

Book Flambeau is MASSIVE. He’s at least 6′4, he’s broad shouldered, has huge hands, and his super buff. He can just. Pick people up and throw them. He can knock people unconscious with one punch. He fills doorways when he stands in them. He terrifies most people just by drawing himself up to his full height. He also has a very short temper and a very short patience.

He’s very agile and athletic and can move silently, despite his size. He’s also a master of disguise, somehow. (Explain, Chesterton. Explain. Is everyone in this universe apart from Father Brown, Flambeau, and arguably Valentin massively stupid? Actually don’t answer that I’ve read these books)

Book Flambeau has a habit of flinging people full-bodily down flights of stairs when they anger him or threaten him or Father Brown. Book Flambeau also carries a walking cane with him literally everywhere that has a sword concealed in the handle, plus book Flambeau insists on taking pistols on holiday with him, even when he was just going for a peaceful fishing holiday in the Norfolk Broads. King.

(Which all makes it so iconic that Father Brown, described as tiny and meek and sensitive, saw this man when he was still a hardened criminal on top of all this and said “THIS ONE I LIKE THIS ONE. I JUST THINK HE’S NEAT” and went off on a jolly through London with him.)

Flambeau’s past is extremely mysterious. We no nothing about his family or his childhood or where he’s from or why he turned to crime. We know he used to be a soldier, and a part of him misses it. We know he used to fight duels semi-regularly, and liked them to be fought the very next morning after they were organised. We know he always used to make sure to visit the dentist on time, even when he was a hardened criminal. (King of good teeth.) We know he was in a gang at some point. We know he was a student at some point. We don’t know what he studied, but we know he knew Leonard Quinton in “wild student days in Paris” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). This is literally all we know about his past before he met Father Brown. The man is a riddle wrapped in an enigma. (That’s why Flambeau is so big. He’s full of secrets)

(Fun fact: in the book universe Flambeau is famous and popular in America, so you could say that in universe Flambeau is America’s Favourite Fighting Frenchman.)

Flambeau also loves cats and children, believes in fairies, likes pointing out rocks that look like dragons, and likes giggling and mucking about on the beach with Father Brown. A baby.

One time Father Brown called Flambeau “full of good and pure thoughts”, but I don’t think that’s quite true, Father. I think Father Brown just has endless faith in Flambeau.

Another thing I think is really neat is that it would’ve been so easy to have Father Brown be the genius and Flambeau his dumb muscle sidekick but that’s not the case at all! They’re both geniuses and they’re both each other’s sidekick, and in fact it’s Flambeau who’s the famous professional private detective, Father Brown is just an amateur. Father Brown is often defined by his connection to Flambeau rather than vice versa, both in the text (the text will frequently refer to them as something along the lines of “Flambeau and his friend the priest”, and on two separate occasions a long list of Flambeau’s possessions is ended with “and a priest”), and in universe (Father Brown himself is massively famous in America in universe largely because of “his long connection to Flambeau). I don’t know I just think it’s neat.

One time a man threatened Father Brown with a gun and Flambeau just beat him unconscious and then Father Brown and Flambeau just drove away and left him unconscious on the path. It was awesome.

(I’m sorry I rambled about Flambeau for so many words I just. Really really like Flambeau you guys. Father Brown and Flambeau are like two separate crime drama character tropes, the hard boiled cynical P.I. and the cosy eccentric amateur detective, but together as a double act, and I just think that’s really cool.)

Father Brown himself is if anything even more mysterious. He’s just “Father J. Brown, formerly of Cobhole in Essex, currently London”, and he’s “Flambeau’s friend”, and that’s all. That’s all he needs to be.

I also really really love Father Brown himself. I love that he’s allowed to be cheerful and optimistic and childish without any of this making him less clever, and in fact he’s shown time and time again to be cleverer than grumpy cynics who are scornful of childish things. Like, the whole giggling childlike thing isn’t even some kind of act, he’s a genius who understands true human nature, and he also really really likes puppet shows and building sandcastles who telling fairy stories, he really does get a “childish pleasure” from seeing Flambeau swing his sword-stick, and he really does have “strong personal interest in tomfoolery”. I love him.

I must share my favourite book quote about Father Brown himself: “But neither of them is very like the real Father Brown, who is not broken at all; but goes stumping with his stout umbrella through life, liking most of the people in it; accepting the world as his companion, but never as his judge.” uwu uwu uwu I’m cry.

Chesterton just subverts all the expectations character wise, the cheerful bumbling priest is a genius, the violent criminal is a true hero, the noble police officer is a corrupt self-serving murderer. It’s great. We stan. 10000000/10

(I’m not very good at being brief, am I?)

Father Brown, Detective (1934):

The first movie! It’s completely ridiculous. I love it a lot.

It was released just at the start of Hays Code, which, among other things, stated that crime and immorality should not be glorified or glamourised, and all crime and immorality must be seen to be punished by the end of the film. In practice in the case of this film, this means two things:

Paul Lukas!Flambeau is the only Flambeau to actually go to prison (and stay there).

He’s by far the Flambeau who deserves it the least. Lukas!Flambeau never hurt a soul. He just wanted to be loved. #FreeMyBoyHercule

Okay but in all seriousness. There’s a reason I call Paul Lukas!Flambeau “Himbo Flambeau”. Where other Flambeaus are violent or dangerous or geniuses, Lukas!Flambeau is just a big dumb idiot who respects women and has a great sense of humour and writes all his letters in the third person like Elmo for some reason. I would die for him.

At one point Flambeau in disguise is talking to the police, and when the police criticise Flambeau, disguised Flambeau says “Oh but I assure! I have read many things about this Flambeau! He is a fearless, handsome fellow!” The absolute idiot. I adore him with my whole heart.

The film is set in London, like the books, but an idealised Hollywood version of London, i.e., almost entirely unlike London.

Walter Connolly!Father Brown is also entirely lacking in braincells. Look at these two idiot men:

I love them.

Oh oh! And the most important thing, the thing that carries over into most other adaptations? NEW ORIGINAL CHARACTERS!!

This movie invents a few characters that weren’t in the books, but the most important ones are Mrs Boggs:

She doesn’t really add much to the plot but she’s funny and I love her so I’ll forgive it.

She’s Father Brown’s housekeeper, she’s basically just the fussing maternal female character archetype who fusses around in the background, but she does it well and plays it with charm so I’ll allow it.

(Honestly this whole film is just. Not *technically* good or original, but just so charming and with so much heart that I unironically adore it.)

She tries to make Father Brown drink his milk because it’s good for him even though he doesn’t like it, and keeps checking back in on him to make sure he’s drunk it, it’s literally like a mother and her small child.

She objects to policemen in the presbytery because of their “big muddy boots on the carpet” but is fine with just letting Flambeau in whenever despite the prevailing rumour in London being that Flambeau killed a man. We stan a queen of having priorities.

When Inspector Valentine summons Father Brown to the station, Mrs Boggs pops up in the background, assumes Father Brown’s being arrested, and says “Oh dear, I knew it!” and it makes me giggle like an idiot every time.

The other, more important original character invented for this movie is my girl Evelyn Fischer:

I love her, I would die for her, she’s flawless.

She’s basically your typical bored and rebellious young aristocrat, but she has a chaotic streak that I adore.

She sneaks out of her family’s mansion to go to a seedy underground club/illegal gambling ring in Soho (I mean I assume it’s Soho, a seedy part of London in that general vicinity, at least. I’m not about to get bogged down trying to understand the geography of London according to Hollywood), flirts with a bunch of strangers for fun, then when the police raid the place and everyone else is panicking she stands stock still, cheerfully says “Oh goody, I shall probably get my name in the papers!” and has to be physically dragged out of the building by Flambeau.

Later on Flambeau breaks into her bedroom in the middle of the night and she’s just very calmly like “What are you doing?”, and even when she finds out it’s Flambeau, a man widely believed to be dangerous and violent, instead of being scared, she calls him an idiot right to his face.

She forms the third part of the main trio of the movie with Father Brown and Flambeau (RIP to Valentine, demoted to tertiary character in a loose adaptation of the one (1) story where he was the main character lol) and together the three of them share a single braincell and have to take turns with it, while Mrs Boggs fusses in the background at the trio’s increasingly bonkers decisions.

The movie ends with Father Brown and Evelyn sharing an emotional farewell with Flambeau through the window of a police car and promising to look after each other until Flambeau’s released, wow poly rights.

The Adventures of Father Brown (1945):

The adaptation there’s the least amount of information about, but I’ve done my best to find everything I can find on it.

An American radio show made towards the end of wartime, it’s a bit of an odd one, and believe me Father Brown adaptations have gone some odd places.

Only two episodes survive, or at least if more do survive then whoever has them is being very selfish and hoarding them to themselves because only two episodes are publicly available anywhere, and the audio quality of those is a bit dodge. (Though that is to be expected, they do appear to be home recordings, from 1945. Honestly we should be grateful to even have two full episodes.)

If the actors I’ve found are the right people, this show featured by far the youngest Father Brown and Flambeau, at the start of the show the actor playing Father Brown was only 36 and the actor playing Flambeau was only 27. They’re BABIES. (Honestly I’d like to see more age variation in Father Brown adaptations, as I have extensively rambled about before, the characters have literally no canon ages in the books, I think people ought to be a little more imaginative instead of always building on the adaptations that came before, even if it is really cool to see traces of all the previous adaptations in each new one that comes along. It’s something I haven’t noticed as much in adaptations of other golden age detective novels, but the Father Brown adaptations do seem to be stuck in some kind of game of “yes, AND” with each other. I would REALLY like to see an adaptation where Flambeau is older than Father Brown though, it's just something we've never had before despite there being literally nothing in the books to suggest this can't be the case, and I just think it'd be neat.)

This show is really really painfully American, in a real old fashioned "golly gee whizz mister" kind of way, to the point it almost feels like a parody, and I honestly find it kind of endearing.

Even Flambeau frequently slips into a very American accent to the point that my affectionate nickname for him is "The All-American Flambeau", and it's great. He's great.

Honestly I could accept the accents and the slang, for some reason the only thing that really threw me was Father Brown referring to money in cents and nickels.

Needless to say, this adaptation is not set in London. It is instead set in Generic Unspecified Smalltown USA. It's fine. This is fine. I already have so many films and shows set in London, I can swallow my London pride and let America have this.

It's hard to get a real grasp on characters from just two episodes, but I like this Father Brown and Flambeau, even if they are a little overly serious, and even if Flambeau doesn't really do much. He may be a bit serious and a bit useless but All-American Flambeau stays up late anxiously waiting for Father Brown to get home safely and it's very sweet. What a good boy.

All-American Flambeau also carries handcuffs around with him for some reason? But no weapons? Why is All-American Flambeau one of the few Flambeaus not to have a gun? Oh well, he's still sweet.

The 1945 radio show also gives us some original characters, but they're very much side characters and not part of the main plot and it's very hard to get a good grasp on a character from just a few minutes of audio from just two episodes but here's what I could gather:

Nora is another fussing housekeeper! She seems younger and less maternal than Mrs Boggs, but I don't know if that's just because the whole cast was on the younger side. (Could the radio station not find anyone over the age of 40? Were they in short supply in 1945 or something? Ah well.) She seems dedicated to helping Father Brown get some peace and quiet that he never goddamn gets because someone always goes and gets themselves murdered. In both surviving episodes a knock at the door disturbs Father Brown’s rest, Nora opens it professionally, sees it's Flambeau, and immediately drops the professionalism and is immediately like "oh it's only you", so I can only assume every episode started this way. I do hope so.

Father Peter is a junior priest who answers to Father Brown and takes over his duties on his days off. He's implied by the dialogue to be considerably younger than Father Brown, Nora, and Flambeau, but if their actors are anything to go by then they're not that old themselves, and though Father Brown seems to talk to Father Peter like he's a literal child, he is still a priest so I very much doubt that's the case. He seems sweet and harmless, but he's only in one of the surviving episodes and only in that towards the end and mentioned briefly at the start, so it's hard to judge completely. It's highly unlikely that the reason he's not even mentioned in the later surviving episode is because he turned out to secretly be an evil murderer, but, this being a Father Brown adaptation, not entirely unfounded. (But no, he's probably just a sweet boy who exists to have exposition delivered to him.)

Father Brown/The Detective (1954):

The Alec Guinness movie! The one haters of any of the other adaptations complain that adaptation isn't more like, but in my humble opinion, actually the worst adaptation.

Like, I don't hate it! The cast is mostly stellar actors and if I just saw it as a movie on its own, it'd probably be fine. But as a Father Brown adaptation watched in context of the books and the other adaptations, it has a few issues imo.

Most glaringly it has Tone Issues. This film cannot decide if it's a comedy or not. The original posters certainly marketed it as one (see above) and half the cast are noted comic actors who were famous at the time for comedy, goddamn SID JAMES is in it, but the entire third act is played painfully straight, half the cast is mugging for the camera and trying way too hard to be funny while the other cast is giving extremely serious and subtle performances, like. I have no problem with a Father Brown adaptation being played for laughs, and I have no problem with a Father Brown adaptation being played for drama, both can work beautifully, but just PICK ONE, PLEASE

All of my other gripes with the film are very petty and nitpicky, this film calls Father Brown and Flambeau "Ignatius Brown" and "Gustav Flambeau" even though Father Brown has the canon first initial "J" and Flambeau has the canon first name "Hercule", and I hate it a lot. "Ignatius and Gustav" is the second worst thing any Father Brown adaptation has ever done to me.

My other petty nitpick with the movie is that it makes Flambeau literal nobility. The man is a duke. In my opinion Flambeau should always either have a completely mysterious past or be a nobody who came from nothing, someone who grew up with land and title and many servants and a family coat of arms, living in a whole entire castle with his family name and coat of arms engraved into the side of it, growing up and stealing from people, is a whole lot less sympathetic in my opinion. Like to be fair his parents are dead which is sad I guess and his castle has seen better days, but dude. You still own a castle. People who live in castles do not get to lecture other people about materialism.

THAT SAID, Peter Finch is still the best thing about the movie. I love all Flambeaus dearly, even the ones that are little bitches. He’s a bit of an emo “oh woe is me” sadboy, but he’s very charming, and actually good at disguises and being undercover, get dunked on Lukas!Flambeau.

Guinness!Brown likes to feed ducks and Flambeau calls him “the angel with the flaming umbrella”, which makes my inner Good Omens fan who loves finding parallels between Aziraphale & Crowley and Father Brown & Flambeau go 👀

There is one really good scene, in the Paris Catacombs. And by “good” I mean “really really bafflingly gay”:

I truly, truly do not understand how this scene was written, directed, acted, filmed, and edited without ANYONE saying “hey lads does this seem a bit gay to you?”

Father Brown, literally lying on top of Flambeau and pinning him to the ground, whispering: “I would like to set you free.” Flambeau, softly, gently smiling while his face is literal inches away from Father Brown, who is still pinning him to the ground: “Ah, now I begin to understand what you are.”

What the fuck, you guys. What the entire fuck. This scene keeps me up at night.

ANYWAY

This film is also not set in London. It is instead mostly set in a rural English village, and partially in Paris and partially in rural France. Paris is fun but I miss London.

This film also has some original characters. I should probably talk about them.

This is Lady Warren:

She’s Father Brown’s friend, and she’s a Lady, and that’s all I can really tell you.

She’s very well-mannered and dignified and sophisticated.

She gives me the vibe that she exists solely because the writers decided they needed a female character but then remembered at the last minute they had no idea how to write women, so as a result she is almost entirely irrelevant to the plot. I don’t want to say I don’t like her, because she’s done nothing wrong and it’s not her fault, but like. Why is she here? Poor thing, she deserved to be plot-relevant, really.

She lives in a big mansion and owns some very nice things, and she gets annoyed when she invites Father Brown to lunch but he just stares blankly into space thinking about Flambeau the whole time. (Mood honestly FB. Me too.)

She flirts a bit with Flambeau in one very pointless scene that came the hell out of nowhere, went nowhere, and was never mentioned again. It was like the writers realised how gay the previous Flambeau scene was and suddenly tried to convince me this man is a hetero. Nice try, writers. You can’t fool me that easily.

The other main original character is Bert:

Alright, own up, whose bright idea was it to put Sid James in a Father Brown movie?

Bert is a smalltime criminal who’s a friend of Father Brown, who Father Brown protects from the police, but tries to convince to get on the straight and narrow by getting him as a job as Lady Warren’s chauffer.

This is would be fine, were it not for the fact he’s played by Sid James, who only knows how to play Sid James, and is just Sid Jamesing it up in every scene. I don’t have anything against Sid James. I like my fair share of Carry On films. But Sid James does not belong in Father Brown and I want to fight whoever decided he did.

Father Brown (1974):

LADS LADS LADS! It’s time for the first TV show, and it’s time for my favourite boys:

Oh! OH! How I love Kenneth More!Brown and Dennis Burgess!Flambeau. They’re just. So cute. My two special boys.

Not only that, but LADS! We’re finally back in London!

A gritty, dirty, London in the 1930s no less, with cool London buses and political unrest and grimy pubs and the constant threat of world war. Alexa this is so cool play London Calling.

In one episode Flambeau gets verbally abused by an anti-immigration right-wing zealot. :( My poor boy. :(

(But it’s okay, shortly after Father Brown witnesses this, the racist shows up dead in exactly the place Father Brown earlier said would be a good place to commit a murder. Now I’m not accusing Father Brown of murder, BUT)

This show made the bold but valid decision to skip Flambeau’s redemption arc and start the show when Flambeau is already a seasoned and respected private detective who’s lived in London and been Father Brown’s closest friend for many years. As a result this Father Brown and Flambeau are ridiculously domestic with each other. Look at this peak Old Married Couple energy:

Oh! I just love them.

I would love to know how Burgess!Flambeau’s redemption went down though, because Burgess!Flambeau is BY FAR the least repentant of all the reformed Flambeaus. He proudly boasts about his crimes, he still believes he “deserved to succeed”, he still proudly talks about how “daring and outrageous” he was, which begs the question of why did he stop at all? Literally the only explanation I can think of is that he’s literally only doing this for Father Brown’s sake, which. uwu

Oh GOD I love Burgess!Flambeau. Obviously I love all Flambeaus a lot, and choosing a favourite feels like choosing a favourite child, but let’s just say: if the Flambeaus WERE my children, Burgess!Flambeau would be quite spoilt. My ~ Daring And Outrageous ~ boy.

More!Brown and Burgess!Flambeau are both really really socially awkward, uncomfortable in crowds, and nervously say “oh dear” a lot. They really are ridiculously cute.

They also only giggle and joke and act silly when they’re together, when they’re apart they’re both sort of sad and quiet and withdrawn. (This makes episodes Flambeau isn’t in a bit harder to watch because Father Brown is just kind of lost and lonely without his emotional support Frenchman, with three notable exceptions: that time Father Brown infodumped about the mating habits of whales at the Father Superior for a solid minute, that time Father Brown met a dog and reacted with unrestrained delight, and that time someone mentioned former criminals in passing and Father Brown’s whole face lit up and he started gushing about how Flambeau was living in London now and doing very well as a private detective, completely unprompted.)

This show also brought back book!Brown and Flambeau’s habit of always going on holiday together! Wonderful! We love to see it!

This show is also the first time in the entire Father Brown franchise where gay people are overtly acknowledged to exist! And Father Brown is non-judgemental! A roman catholic priest written in the 1970s and living in the 1930s who canonically isn’t homophobic! I have no choice but to stan forever!

You remember what I said about liking to point out Good Omens parallels? WELL

Kenneth More!Father Brown and Dennis Burgess!Flambeau both live in London

Burgess!Flambeau lives in a brightly lit, pale walled, airy and spacious, modern (for the time) London apartment, while More!Brown prefers gothic architecture and lives in an old, grey, cramped, stone building absolutely full floor to ceiling with books

They go out for intimate candlelit dinners for two at very fancy London restaurants

Desperate people come to Flambeau because he “knows the game on both sides of the fence”

Father Brown responds with a quiet and miserable “oh dear” when asked to actually do his job instead of just watching plays and drinking wine

Father Brown calls Flambeau “my dear” at times and it personally kills me

I mean. I’m just saying. 👀

Now, isn’t there a third important character in the books?

Oh yes of course:

HIM! THE BASTARD MAN! INSPECTOR VALENTIN HIMSELF!

(Nobody understands him! IT’S NOT! EVIL!)

This show is the literally only adaptation to include the Valentin betrayal and I’m not gonna lie. It’s a very difficult episode to sit through, it’s far darker and grimmer and more depressing than you would ever expect from Father Brown, but my god it’s done so well. Especially considering the teeny tiny budget they clearly had, only four sets are used the entire episode and the whole thing takes place inside Valentin’s house, but even that adds a certain claustrophobic atmosphere and just. It’s done so well.

I think the entire budget went on gore effects because the decapitated heads in this episode are disturbingly realistic for the time the show was made and genuinely grim to look at. Not to mention the intense downer ending. Not to mention this was THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE SHOW

THE INTENSE DOWNER ENDING OF THIS EPISODE IS HOW THE WHOLE SHOW ENDED

God it hurts so much but I lowkey love it.

Father Brown Stories (1984):

The second radio series, and the first BBC adaptation!

Thrilling times for fans of actors being the right nationality for their characters, because after previously being played by a Hungarian, an American, an Englishman, and a Welshman, Flambeau is finally being played by a Frenchman, Olivier Pierre!

Father Brown himself is played by Andrew Sachs, Manuel himself.

Not gonna lie. It’s kind of hard to figure out how to explain the radio show.

We’re? Maybe back in London? Honestly it’s really unclear.

Pierre!Flambeau is kind of adorable. He’s described as looking like book!Flambeau physically, huge and buff and terrifying, but he has literally none of the temper or predisposition to violence.

Pierre!Flambeau doesn’t speak very good English at all, and oftentimes will react with “...What?” when he hears a strange English idiom or turn of phrase.

One time he says “Perhaps we should.. push on? SEE HOW I AM MASTERING YOUR ENGLISH IDIOMS” and it’s the cutest thing that’s ever happened.

To try and get better at understanding both the English language and the English people, Flambeau starts obsessively reading Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass, massive giant adorable boy.

One time Father Brown gets complimented of being academically minded and well read, and then asked if Flambeau is also a keen reader, and when Flambeau tries to say no, Father Brown interrupts and proudly and earnestly says “Oh yes! Monsieur Flambeau is one of our top Lewis Carroll scholars!”, it’s honestly adorable.

This adaptation finally uses “John” as Father Brown’s first name, as it should always have been! I love it!

This series said FUCK Father Brown having a mysterious past and no former friends or relatives! Now he has siblings, and friends who knew him before he was a priest who still call him “John”!

Father Brown himself speaks in a very sweet and soft and wavering way that makes my heart melt.

Sadly and unfortunately, I have to acknowledge the final episode of the show, which is the top worst thing any Father Brown adaptation has ever done to me.

It’s. It’s a crossover. With Sherlock Holmes. Actual goddamn Sherlock Holmes is in it. I hate it. I hate it so much. “Elementary, my dear Flambeau” shut the hell up, if this Flambeau won’t fling you down a flight of stairs then I will.

I deliberately avoided all Holmes-related media for THREE YEARS only for the awful man to spring up on me in Father Brown?? How could you do this to me???

I’m going to yeet myself into the sun, bye everyone.

(On the plus side, the Sherlock Holmes episode does have one of Father Brown’s parishioners recognise Flambeau as “a close friend of Father Brown and a frequent visitor to his room” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), so that’s nice I suppose. I’ll still never forgive the writers of this show for putting me through this.)

Father Brown (2013):

YOU ARE HERE.

I kind of see the current TV series as a culmination of all the adaptations that’ve come before? I can definitely see echoes of all of them in it.

And it’s great! I really really love it. I love it a lot.

I think about it daily.

My one and only complaint I would have is that Flambeau isn’t in it enough. Not just because he’s my favourite, though I’d obviously not be fooling anyone who’s read all this if I said he isn’t.

And it’s not that I don’t love the show as it is, and find the one Flambeau episode a series always something really special, so I don’t know what I’d have the writers do, exactly.

But it’s just. In literally every other version of Father Brown, Flambeau is the second most important character and the second main protagonist, and to have him in this show so little that some fans or reviewers call him a “minor character” and others call him a “recurring villain”, though I myself don’t see him either of those ways of course because he’s still Flambeau, it’s just kinda sad and painful, y’know?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being silly.

Hopefully he’s a regular in at least the final season of the show. If I don’t get my favourite partners in crime solving I’m rioting.

Anyway that’s my “””brief””” rundown on all the main versions of Father Brown!! I hope you liked it!!

#Anonymous #father brown #hercule flambeau #flambrown

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wherearemyglassesbro · 3 years

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What does the axis and allies do when they see a Queen's Guard in England? :3

This is for fun ofc!! They’d all be respectful of the guards irl but....allow me to be...goofy >:)

Arthur: keeps a respectful distance and goes about his day. He is a Queens Guard! Well...he isn’t as active as he used to be cause he’s busy but he is a guard!! So he knows how to act around them. He respects them greatly :)

France: He’ll get as close to them as he can and just speak French in their faces, grinning like the bastard he is “stupid Englishmen~ with your stupid hats~ you don’t scare me~” he’s a frequent guest of the queen, he’s known her a long time and she finds it funny when he bickers with Arthur lmao

Alfred: YOOO ITS ONE OF THOSE GUARD BITCHES!!! SAY CHEESE!! He takes a ton of pictures and poses like an idiot with them. He’ll drag others into his antics by making them take his picture or egging them on to act ridiculous. Usually he can only get American tourists to join in...they aren’t hard to identify

Yao: He makes fun of their attire from afar, he doesn’t feel the need to get up close to them. He’s convinced they all have bad breath anyways.

Ivan: Ivan takes a bunch of pictures of them cause he actually thinks they look cool lmao. He tries to get them to talk too!! He can be funny when he wants to be so he’ll crack jokes and tell stories to see if he can get one to crack

Mattie: Matt minds his own business and avoids his friends’ tomfoolery. He, unlike the others, cares if he gets arrested or berated in public

Gilbert: He pretty much does the same thing as Alfred. He doesn’t really act out to embarrass the guards, he acts out to embarrass his brother. He’s just the embodiment of chaos

Ludwig:^^ He is mortified by Gil and pretty much drags him away...which brings even more attention to them lmaooo he respects the guards and keeps a distance!!! He’s seen them before and doesn’t feel the need to taunt them or take pictures

Kiku: Kiku loves taking pictures so even though he’s been to England countless times, he always takes pictures of the guards when he sees them. They’re different people every time! They deserve to have a cool picture taken! Other than that he doesn’t interact with them. He knows that it takes dedication to he a guard so he wouldn’t want to disrespect them by being bothersome

Lovino: He isn’t really interested in them, he’d rather be drinking coffee or shopping elsewhere. He’ll critique the soldiers uniforms and yawn loudly to let everyone around him know he’s bored

Feli: Feli will wave hello like 😀✌️ hi guys! He wishes they could talk cause he’d love to hear what they have to say. But his attention span doesn’t let him stand there and stare at one guard for too long lol

57 notes · View notes

thestuckylibrary · 4 years

Text

A Year in Reading: 2019 - Julia

2019 wasn’t kind, but fandom is always there to cheer you up. Under the cut is a list of my favorite 2019 reads <3

Please make sure to check the additional tags for each of them and happy reading!

January

The Pajama Party Incident by follow_the_sun (oneshot | 1,455 | T)

A pajama party goes horribly wrong, then wonderfully right.

heartbeat going strong by fireflyslove (oneshot | 4,364 | T)

Steve's been sent to kill the dragon holding the Princess hostage, but the Princess isn't a hostage, and the dragon isn't what he seems.

I’m a Sucker for a Wild Boy by jinlinli (complete | 9,897 | T)

Steve is a vampire who’s never met a werewolf in his life before. Bucky is a werewolf who doesn’t even know vampires exist. Naturally, neck biting means two very different things to them.

In which Steve goes for a midnight snack and accidentally gets himself werewolf married.

The Very Heart of It by merryofsoul (oneshot | 17,743 | M) - Restricted

In which Captain America adopts a dog from Bucky and they become friends — and then more.

call me old-fashioned by I_mNotYourEnemy (oneshot | 7,458 | T)

Steve rises before the sun, runs through various exercises until his muscles burn and sweat gathers on his brow. He showers and dresses and eats, and then heads out the door with dampness still clinging to his hair. His path doesn’t cross with anyone else’s until he reaches the local subway station. He jogs down the stairs to the platform and sees the man waiting there once again, the sergeant.

Or: Bucky joins Steve on his morning commute. Steve draws him and gets his number.

the long walk home by Deisderium (oneshot | 3,566 | E)

On the walk back from Azzano, Bucky keeps touching Steve's chest. Then he touches it some more. And more.

Steve bites his lip raw. AKA tiddy fic

Heckin' Chunker for Love by canistakahari (oneshot | 2,708 | T)

On the inside of the big floor to ceiling window of the office across the street, someone has used Post-it Notes to spell out a message:

W H A T I S Y O U R C A T ’ S N A M E ?

February

bucky barnes and the art class by belovedmuerto (oneshot | 1,420 | T)

Bucky takes an art class, because he wants to spend more time with Steve.

Patience by cleo4u2 (oneshot | 5,073 | E)

You should never Google yourself. Steve knows that, he's been out of the ice for over a year, but he just can't help himself. After finding a gorgeous, sexy brunette thirst tweeting about calling him Daddy, he can't help himself from responding, either.

i want it, i got it by bornes (oneshot | 1,499 | T)

Ten minutes into their impromptu mall adventure, Steve has offered to buy Bucky a designer sofa he had sat on briefly to rest his legs, a $600 headband, and a diamond-encrusted butterfly clip

Remember How to Love by betoning (oneshot | 3,852 | T)

“We shared a bed,” Bucky remembers, "and your toes were freezin’. We didn’t – nothing more, though.”

“No, Buck,” Steve swallows. “Nothing more.”

(Bucky wants more.)

tease me, squeeze me by goodmanperfectsoldier (oneshot | 3,757 | E) - Restricted

It isn’t his fault that Steve has absolutely no sense of modesty. It isn’t his fault that Steve has no desire to be in his Captain America uniform any longer than strictly necessary. It isn’t his fault that Steve tends to start disrobing as soon as they hit friendly airspace, so that he can pull on a t-shirt and sweatpants before they even make it back to headquarters, much less get home to their apartment.

The Fool in the Mirror by thepinupchemist (complete | 111,489 | E) - violence, check additional tags for warnings!

The Avengers, SHIELD, and the world at large have underestimated the pain that Steve Rogers is in.

The night after a near brush with a suicide attempt, Steve discovers the world of support omegas, and in his desperation for relief from the battlefield of his brain, demands to have one.

Enter Bucky Barnes: retired marine, millennial, amputee, brother, son, and support omega. He maybe, just maybe, can help a broken alpha heal in the twenty-first century.

The Best Way to Wake by LeeHan (oneshot | 42,285 | E)

James Buchanan Barnes lay in a glass pod in the middle of the table, frozen since he fell. Steve’s hands were on the glass before he realized he’d moved. “Wait, Captain!” “Get him out,” Steve whispered, his hands searching for a clasp, a keypad, something. “Captain, we need to keep him in stasis—“ “I said get him out!”

March

Taken by Surprise by Mireille (oneshot | 1,606 | E)

It turned out that there were things Bucky didn't know about Steve, after all.

In the Shadow of Armistice by superheroresin (complete | 63,491 | E)

Sedryn Amathion is a young Ñoldor elf born of lower Himring near the end of the harrowed Second Age. Vice-Captain of the Forlindon Shieldmasters, herald of the High King Gil-Galad, and devotee of Eärendil, the Star of High Hope.

Or, as the ragtag Dúnedain troupe known as the Howling Commandos calls him, Steve.

The Commandos are to sabotage an orc signal tower deep within the Ephel Dúath mountains, clearing the way for the armies of the Last Alliance to march on Barad-dûr and rescue all of Middle-earth from the clutches of this new and terrible Dark Lord.

“Steve” has no way of knowing that love formed deep behind enemy lines would settle so completely inside his immortal heart, defying time, distance, and ultimately death itself.

Tinder Is the Night by rohkeutta (oneshot | 6,802 | E)

It’s the quality that gets him first. The profile photo looks like it's been taken with a semi-professional camera: it's sharp and remarkably unposed compared to most people on Tinder. The guy in the photo is the size of a fucking fridge but with Marilyn Monroe’s waistline, accentuated by the way he’s standing half-twisted towards the camera.

He’s also in the process of getting arrested.

Steve, 28, it says under the photo. New York City. Some say I have an arresting personality. This photo is from my good side. The other has a shiner.

Introduction to Fake Dating Your Best Friend 101 by crinklefries (oneshot | 24,627 | T)

Bucky stares at his best friend as though he’s absolutely lost what’s left of his dumbass mind.

“Excuse me?” he asks dumbly.

Steve sighs and sags back onto the couch, covering his face dramatically with one large, well-manicured hand.

“Dean Coulson thinks we’re dating. And gay. But like, for each other. And now I need you to fake date me so I can convince the Chancellor to fund my research.”

or;

Steve and Bucky are a pair of professors who have to fake date for academic purposes and are real dumb along the way. It's not so much a forest of pine as a whole landscape of it. It turns out fine, probably.

straight from your heart by luninosity (oneshot | 10,516 | E) - check additional tags for warnings!

Steve doesn’t mean to have the orgasm. Not exactly. Not the first time, anyway.

It’s the leather and the buckles and the capable stance. It’s the determination: familiar, and not. Steve doesn’t even know which mission this had been. Where this snapshot of the Winter Soldier had been captured, a splinter out of time. Too many to choose from. But that doesn’t matter.

His skin prickles, his heart races in supersoldier extra-double-time, with want.

Things That Go Bump in the Night by seapigeon, velleities (complete | 38,266 | E)

Many an odd critter and item have ended up on the front porch of the property Bucky house-sits in the Middle Of Nowhere, but a bleeding blond man is a first. A short inspection reveals the man to be none other than Steve Rogers; ex-Captain America, vigilante, and a wanted fugitive. Steve’s stay of a few days of recovery is prolonged, under instructions for him to lie low until the Avengers can sort out the mess that has become the Sokovia Accords. Bucky is pretty sure that he’s committing an act of treason by providing Steve a place to stay. He is also pretty sure that lengthy interaction with Steve makes one prone to impending headaches and possibly ulcers. And he is certain that he is, very assuredly, in danger of falling in love with Steve.

skin by mcwho (oneshot | 1,945 | E)

Steve is spooning Bucky, an arm draped loosely around his middle, laying on the large sofa opposite the TV. His lips are against Bucky’s hair, breathing him in.

It’d be an average Thursday night if it wasn’t for Steve being buried to the hilt inside of him and showing no signs of moving any time soon.

Rouge Fétiche by bangyababy, Neutralchaos (oneshot | 6,941 | E)

“Steve,” Bucky breathed, coming closer. “Stevie, what’s all this?”

Steve made no move to cover himself, now that Bucky had seen it, there was no point. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the ground. “What’s it look like?” he bit out. “I’m wearin’ women’s panties, that’s what it is.”

Steve has been keeping a secret from Bucky-sometimes he likes to wear women's underwear. He thinks it's wrong and he shouldn't want to do it, but he can't help it, so he keeps it to himself. But when Bucky walks in on him one day, Steve eventually has to explain himself. Of course, as it turns out, he was worried about nothing.

Army Proof by aetataureate (complete | 18,423 | T)

Despite his recent and unexpected promotion from green recruit to national icon and media darling Captain America, Steve Rogers still lacks the skills and experience necessary to thrive in the Army. First Sergeant Tony Stark has dealt with decades of tomfoolery from his subordinates, but nothing has quite prepared him for the particular brand of chaos that trails in Steve's wake.

Steve's team includes at least one competent adult in Sam Wilson, but also contains Clint Barton, a mechanic who cheats at cards and still loses, and Natasha Romanov, their terrifying police escort. Together, the gang must navigate across Eastern Europe without causing Steve’s next major international incident.

On the other side of the world, Bucky Barnes is contending with a new reality while doing what he can to keep his accidental hero boyfriend on the path that will eventually lead him home.

much tattoo about nothing by Deisderium (oneshot | 14,576 | E)

Steve Rogers gets a lot of email requests, but never one like this: James Barnes wants to use his healing factor to practice tattoos.

Turns out tattoos give Steve boners.

before we can breathe easy by belovedmuerto (oneshot | 22,052 | T)

No one touches Steve.

Bucky sets out to do something about that.

April

Count On Me Like One, Two, Three by MacksDramaticShenanigans (oneshot | 4,235 | G)

“I also need to get one of those scooter things,” Bucky adds. “That’s gotta be better than these damn crutches.” Steve’s eyes drop down to the crutches again, and he frowns. “Crutches are never comfortable,” he agrees, shaking his head. “You want a piggyback ride?” He asks, grinning as he laughs at his own joke. Bucky ducks his head and laughs along, a good-natured smile settling over his lips. “Yeah, that would be real nice, wouldn’t it?” He says, not thinking anything of it. When he looks back up, however, Steve’s already in the process of shrugging his backpack off of his shoulders. The smile melts off of Bucky’s face and his brows furrow together. Was that… a serious offer?

stay by birdjay (oneshot | 1,318 | T)

The platform buzzes, and suddenly goes quiet. The cycle has finished. Bucky doesn’t bother to look. There’s no way Steve’s coming back when he has the chance to stay. He moves to walk away, to move on with his life, somehow.

“Buck -- ?”

Bucky whirls around, hair flying.

might never be normal again (but who cares) by napricot (complete | 51,540 | E)

The beginnings of a plan took shape in Steve’s mind, as clear and simple as a tactical frontal assault. He’d prove to Bucky that this was it, he was staying: Steve was retired from the fighting game, Steve wasn’t going to let anything keep pulling them apart. Maybe then when Steve finally told him he loved him, Bucky would believe him.

All things considered, Steve thought he’d handled the whole Thanos killing half the universe thing and the ensuing bitter, desperate quest to defeat him pretty well. Sacrificing his super soldier serum to use one of the Infinity Stones wasn't a problem either, not when it meant getting back the half of the universe they'd lost, and especially not when it meant getting Bucky back. But retirement and finally confessing his feelings for Bucky? Those were proving to be more challenging.

May

Smile by WinterTheWriter (oneshot | 2,205 | E)

They say Bucky never smiles, and that's true.

Almost.

The Settler by charlesdk (complete | 52,203 | M)

“What do you want to do?”

Steve pauses and looks at them.

What he wants is to stay with them. He doesn't have any family left, they all died before he even joined the war and became... this. Captain America turned whatever he is now. But Natasha and Sam have become his family over the years. Not just because they're on the run together, fugitives and vigilantes, but way before that too.

He doesn't want to leave that.

But he knows that, realistically, he can't stay with them and they can't stay with him.

So he looks at them with a smile and lies. “I don't know.”

OR; In which Steve retires and finally finds a place to call home.

And fill our bodies up like water till we know by caughtinanocean (oneshot | 22,705 | T)

Wolves mate for life. It's both the best thing about Bucky's life, and the most inconvenient.

After six days in Steve’s arms, Bucky dreams again, for the first time since the ice — wolf dreams, four feet on the ground, the smell of the earth, and his eyes in the sky.

The moon is coming, and this reprieve — like all reprieves — is temporary.

June

Home Is Wherever I'm With You by cydonic (complete | 88,570 | E)

This is what happens when you buy a house to flip having only seen the online images: you get more than you bargained for. Bucky Barnes brings all the tools to handle a dilapidated home, but he's hardly prepared for a smart-mouthed child (with poor aim), a crying baby, and the hottest dad he's ever seen in his life living right next door.

That House-Flipper!AU.

People Change, Love Doesn't by Kateis_Cakeis (complete | 119,144 | E)

Bucky didn't fall from the train. Steve didn't die when he jumped out of the plane. They survived.

But suddenly, it wasn't enough to keep their feelings hidden. They had both almost died, only to come back stronger. Well, Steve was done pretending they were only friends, and Bucky was done too.

Surviving the war, however, brought so many challenges. Being SSR agents, eventually becoming SHIELD, building a family with their friends. Living. What would happen as the years ticked on?

miles to go before i sleep by alby_mangroves, obsessivereader (complete | 34,079 | E)

Vietnam vet Bucky is just trying to get a hot meal, and maybe a job, in the small town of Hope, but the local law enforcement has other ideas. When their brutality triggers a flashback, Bucky snaps and escapes from their custody. Hunted, exhausted, injured, he finds shelter for the night next to a cabin in the middle of the woods. He means to be long gone before the cabin's occupant awakes. Things don't turn out quite the way he expected.

All of Your Love is Sunlight by canistakahari, WarlockInTraining (oneshot | 22,657 | E)

Sometimes the path to happiness involves bad timing turned good, a butt plant, and a little everyday magic. For Steve and Bucky, it's all that and more.

if you're looking for jesus (then get on your knees) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 18,171 | E)

S.H.I.E.L.D Agent Bucky Barnes is captured on a mission and meets Commander Steve Rogers, the erstwhile Captain America.

A Year in the Life of Sarge's Person by Angst_BuriTTo, BlueSimplicity (complete | 189,125 | E)

This is the tale of a year in the life of Sarge’s person, AKA James Buchanan Barnes, as he tries to recover from everything that’s happened to him over the past eighty years. During that time, he is forced to deal with bad therapists, people with their own agendas, memories he doesn’t want, horrible losses from his past and almost insurmountable odds.

But this is also the story of all the crazy people Bucky meets along the way, who help him when he’s at his lowest, point him in the right direction when he feels lost, make him laugh, grow to love him for who he is, and most importantly, give him hope when he needs it most.

It’s a long and difficult journey, as Bucky works not just to let go of his past, but to also rebuild his own identity and a future for himself. And with Sarge at his side, Bucky slowly comes to realize that not everything he once loved is lost, and if he can just have enough faith in himself and those around him, he might, just might, get his very own happy ending.

Bucky IS Sarge’s person after all. As the once abandoned puppy Bucky saved one night from freezing to death, he knows, more than anyone, just how much Bucky deserves it.

Let this be light work by caughtinanocean (oneshot | 8,628 | T)

On the run with Sam and Natasha, Steve finds the words to describe his commitment to Bucky. As with most of Steve’s decisions, there are unintended consequences.

July

everything the water can be by jehans (oneshot | 5,622 | E)

“So,” Bucky continues slowly, his blush deepening, “you get the best time today. . . ,” he takes a breath, drops his voice even lower, and soughs, “I’ll let you take off my clothes. All of ‘em.”

Shit.

Steve suddenly realizes what a fucking moron he is for having initiated this line of flirtation here at the pool and right before practice.

it don't mean a thing (if it ain't got that swing) by carissima (oneshot | 6,375 | M)

“Alright,” Bucky says and stands with his hands on his hips and gives Steve a narrowed glare. “Hit me. What went wrong?”

“I uh, don’t actually know?” Steve says, and now he feels an embarrassed flush creep over his cheeks. “She stood me up.”

Bucky stares at him. Blinks once. And stares some more. “You,” he says flatly. “You got stood up?”

An Act of Kindness by greyhavensking (complete | 12,716 | T)

In which Bucky Barnes ignores personal boundaries and Steve Rogers gets increasingly flustered.

(Or five times Bucky manhandled Steve + one time it was the other way around)

crowding the hitter by rooonil_waazlib (complete | 12,917 | E)

But the trash monsters are coming closer, and Bucky’s going to be pissed if he has to get his grate replaced tomorrow.

He turns off the panini press, heads into his bedroom, and pulls his college baseball bat out of the closet, pausing only to pull on the slacks he’d just taken off. He’s going to go defend his shop, and he’s not going to do it in his underpants.

August

time on my hands (could be time spent with you) by thedoubteriswise (oneshot | 23,024 | M)

"You doing okay, kid?”

Steve releases a breath, deciding how honest he wants to be. No point in lying. No point in telling the truth, either. "Glad to see you."

"That’s not what I asked, but same to you, punk."

Quench by AidaRonan (complete | 9,417 | E)

Or the one where archeology intern Bucky Barnes meets actual archeologist Steve Rogers and reaches levels of thirst scientists once believed to be theoretically impossible.

I'll hold on a little tighter (maybe you'll stay the night) by glittercake (complete | 10,393 | E)

"No strings. I ain't got time for strings." Steve murmurs.

Bucky nods helplessly.

"Be discreet." Steve continues kissing his neck and talking, now also rubbing and squeezing his thigh. "Condoms, always. Back out anytime you want. And sweetheart—"

"Hm?" Bucky hums in a delirious daze as Steve works all the way down to his collarbone and bites, making Bucky jolt forward.

"I like it rough, don't do it any other way. If that ain't your thing, we gotta call it off right now."

this love immortal is an assassin's delight by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 12,954 | E)

After the Battle of New York, Captain America refuses to work for S.H.I.E.L.D and remains in New York. Alexander Pierce activates the Winter Soldier to handle the situation and unknowingly signs Hydra’s death warrant.

Watch With Glittering Eyes by Kellyscams (oneshot | 6,746 | E)

Witch Steve and familiar Bucky have a fun night together.

Happiness is a handful by pamurai (oneshot | 1,274 | E)

Steve's pecs compel Bucky's memories to return faster. Together they explore what makes them happy and what the future holds.

(It's Steve's tits.)

It's Been a Long, Long Time by non_tiembo_mala (oneshot | 11,862 | E)

It's been a thing almost as long as they have, since before Steve grew up and filled out his serum-given body. Connection, comfort-- whatever it is, it grounded them then and, as it turns out, it grounds them now, many decades and disasters later.

Or: the one where Steve's beautiful tits help Bucky get his memory back.

September

Do What You Did by Bentrumors (oneshot | 1,075 | E)

“Come finish what you started,” Bucky mumbles into the pillow.

“I can’t. Sam’s waiting for me.”

Bucky turns his head and glares at Steve through bleary eyes. “You’re going to leave me hanging?”

Steve shrugs.

a slow start by birdjay (oneshot | 2,689 | E)

It’s a gorgeous sight, Steve spread out like this. He wants to lick, wants to bite, wants inside where he’s hot and tight. Wants to make Steve make that gasping noise that he loves so much.

All in good time.

An Apple in the American Pie by Kimra (oneshot | 2,479 | M)

At the end of CAWS Steve runs off with Bucky, and also falls pregnant. Go figure.

October

All the sweetness and all the glory by pes (oneshot | 2,916 | M)

“Do you know,” Steve began softly, mindful of the sleeping child, “I can’t tell whom she takes after the most just yet, but one thing I know for certain. This,” he said, tracing Annie’s dimpled chin with the very tip of his finger, “this she got from your side of the family.”

(In which a visit to Bucky's new niece kindles all sorts of feelings, and a precious little secret comes to light.)

Give Up the Ghost by humapuma (complete | 44,541 | E)

Bucky Barnes is an anomaly; he's physically an Omega but has the body of an Alpha. He has a lot of the stubbornness too. Steve Rogers is an anomaly; he's a romantic and he believes in the traditions his parents raised him with. There's something about Steve that makes Bucky's Omega brain say, Mine. There's something about Bucky that makes Steve want to be more than a little reckless.

ever just as sure by ariadne_odair (complete | 7,938 | M)

“Your boyfriend is here.”

It’s take Steve a second to realise Sharon is talking to him; it then takes him even longer to respond and to stop choking on his reply. “I - er, is he?”

Sharon eyes him up like he’s lost his mind. “Well, the guy currently parking his crappy car in our car park is definitely not mine.”

Steve and Bucky are idiots. They're also in love. Obnoxiously so. Alternatively titled: Five times someone has a front-row seat to Steve and Bucky's relationship.

Where the Heart Is by Chancy_Lurking (oneshot | 12,133 | T)

“Couples are more than welcome to room together.”

Steve freezes up, feels his eyes go a little wide before he can help himself. He stumbles over his words, “Oh, I—No, we’re not—”

“We’re not going to give you any trouble about that,” Fury presses, turning to squint at them head on. “Stark likes to say we’re opened minded and close-knit. Your private life is your business, but you don’t need to hide here, understand?”

Steve goes to reiterate that they’re not a couple, but startles when Bucky’s hand settles on the small of his back. He looks at him like he’s lost his mind, but Bucky’s just smiling at him. “Never can be too careful these days,” he says.

(Steve and Bucky pretend to be a couple when they move in, but at some point, it stops feeling like pretend.)

Like gifts under trees by pes (oneshot | 6,528 | T)

Inside the leather satchel, bundled in a few layers of cloth, was the smooth swell of an egg. A dragon egg, dark, and shiny, and fluttering with life in its makeshift nest.

“I think it’s about to hatch,” Steve breathed, clutching the bag to his chest helplessly.

Bucky didn’t need to think twice.

Your voice is all I hear somehow, calling out winter by chaosmanor (oneshot | 13,597 | E) - stucky/symbiote

Bucky is remarkably functional, considering what he's been through. Then, sometimes, it's like a sullen killer is wearing his skin.

(Or, the fic no one asked for, where Bucky has a symbiote named Winter and everyone has to work out how to live together.)

Misery I Need by mwestbelle (oneshot | 2,592 | M)

"You've seen his file, right?" She let out a low whistle. "What a shame. To do that to such a pretty omega."

They thought he was asleep. She didn't mean anything by it, and if she knew that he'd heard he's sure she would have apologized. But it's her voice that he hears whenever he feels out of place, uncomfortable in his skin. What a shame.

OR a different take on Steve Rogers' body issues

November

Simple by Ellessey (oneshot | 4,043 | T)

Steve's holding Bucky's drink out to him and he's looking at Bucky in that way he does. It makes Bucky want to cover his face. It makes him want to peek inside of himself and see if he can actually spot the butterflies.

"Here you go," Steve says. "Extra hot, so be careful, 'kay?"

"Okay, thanks..." Bucky says. And then he has to swallow again, and his throat feels awfully tight but he practiced this last night and he can do this. He can. He opens his mouth again and adds, "Steve."

Every morning Bucky walks to a nearby coffee shop as a kind of exposure therapy. He isn't going there for the coffee, and he's not actually sure he's going there for the therapy anymore, but he's definitely going there for Steve Rogers' smile.

Every Move the Feeling Follows by thepinupchemist (oneshot | 5,412 | E)

After the Avengers win the battle against Thanos, everyone gets to go home. Steve and Bucky retire, get mated, and get surprised. They have a baby, and they get to start their lives again.

not idiots at all by icoulddothisallday (oneshot | 2,297 | M)

Somehow, despite the seventy years in the ice and his overwhelming fame and popularity, Steve’s words have never been recorded anywhere. He suspects that he has Peggy to thank for that. The words have always been a source of embarrassment for Steve, for one reason or another. When he was a child, his words were just another thing that set him apart from others. Other kids had common words - mostly names, as that was what you were supposed to say to a stranger. Some kids got dealt generic words like excuse me and good morning. Steve’s words didn’t make much sense, the ones that did were...not intended for polite conversation.

Thursday Nights with Bucky Barnes by Ellessey (oneshot | 4,662 | T)

Steve has a comfortable, well-worn routine for his Thursday nights, until the old man who runs the laundromat breaks his hip.

Then Steve has Bucky instead.

Rare Is This Love (Keep It Covered) by histoires_eternelles, musette22 (complete | 66,773 | E)

It's 2014. Captain America has been out of the ice for three years and is trudging along, saving the world and trying to get used to living in the future. Steve thinks he knows how the rest of his life is going to pan out – a life of duty, which he chose when he signed up to be Erskine’s science experiment. But then, he meets Bucky Barnes: the out-of-this-world-gorgeous mechanic and war vet, who turns Steve’s life upside down and makes him question everything he thought he knew. Slowly, Steve comes to realize there is more to life than duty and punching Nazis. Just one problem though: how on earth does a 96-year-old virgin who only just realized he may not be entirely straight make the transition from crush to relationship? Cue healthy amounts of self-doubt, awkward flirting, pretty blushing, existential crises, emotional growth, and maybe, possibly, a sexual awakening.

rather be a lover than a fighter (found peace in your violence) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 4,355 | E)

The dust has settled, and the world is healing. Men are too.

The Soldier's Revenge by LeeHan (complete | 76,406 | E)

Bucky Barnes turns himself in to SHIELD two years after dragging Captain America out of the Potomac River. He was deprogrammed in Wakanda and has been hunting down Hydra ever since, but he needs help if he wants to take proper revenge on his captors. He turns to his old enemies: SHIELD and the Avengers, but it'll take more than a few words to win their trust after the Winter Soldier brought SHIELD to its knees not long before. Now at SHIELD's mercy, the only thing that stands between Bucky and his revenge is the approval of Captain Rogers: a self-righteous asshole that Bucky barely knows.

All Those Little Pieces by Ellessey (complete | 40,516 | M)

Steve has never forgotten Bucky Barnes. Not their childhood together, not the horror of the moment Bucky fell too far for him to reach, and not the way he's loved him all the while.

Bucky has forgotten everything about Steve, at least at first. But there's still a feeling there, warm in his chest—and maybe now that he's found his way back to Steve Rogers and his sunny apartment, there's a chance it might turn into something more.

December

No fics for this month, since it was a difficult one.

In any case, I hope you enjoy all of these recs above and have a great 2020! <3

#mod picks #mod julia

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fairiesherefairiesthere · 4 years

Text

Fraxus Anastasia au #3

Fic under the cut ! Or on ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23144866/chapters/57301969)

"Yoooo!!!!" Bickslow yells and immediately Laxus ? Yuliy ? gets snapped out of his stupour and pushes himself away from Freed, too aware of how close they had been. He can't shake the feeling of the man's breath hitting his ear like so, the ghost sensations leaving the tips of his ears burning.

"Sup fellas", Bickslow says as he strolls into the room, a woman somewhat reluctantly following him. "I brought an assortiment of snacks that could be classified as a fancy dinner if you aren't all that picky and I'm kind of counting on that." He winks at the both of them before plopping down on some couch and throwing the bag on a table. "Feast my underlings, your king has provided for you."

"I hate you", the woman spits out before turning her glare towards him. "And who is this fool?"

The fool himself would like to know too. With a lazy drawl in his voice, Freed joins the conversation. "His name is Laxus, you might've heard of him." The too large piece of chicken that Bickslow was trying to force into his mouth drops to the floor and the woman raises a single brow. "Right and my name's Evergreen Strauss." Picking the chicken leg back up from the floor, Bickslow points it at her. "I mean, it could be. It ain't that hard to add Strauss to it, all you gotta do is ask your boyfriend to become your h-u-s-b-a-n-d."

"Shut up, he isn't my boyfriend", she snaps before turning her attention back to the blond. "Laxus huh?" He shrugs. "Your friend is trying to sell it to me as well. Currently, I'm not believing him." A single smile slips past her guarded façade. "Good, you shouldn't. He's a pompous piece of shit." While Freed mildly protests her assessment of him in the background, Evergreen shoves Bickslow off the couch and seats herself on it. After extracting the couch from Bickslow, she takes the bag of snacks as well.

Patting on the empty spot next to her, she offers him to sit next to her. "Sit down and have a snack." Turning towards the other two men, she sticks out her tongue. "Bitches don't deserve anything, so don't even bother to ask." (Later on she ends up giving them more than enough.)

"I'm guessing these two have been awfully mean to you."

"No, it's mainly been Freed." The man in question makes an offended noise at this, but Laxus (he likes the name, okay? It's not like it's forbidden to use it. There are people with weirder names out there and he's an orphan so he has the right to choose) isn't done throwing him under the bus. As soon as the next opportunity arrives, he'll do it again.

Evergreen sighs at that and flicks Freed's forehead. 'You rude selfserving bitch, leave people alone." The man in question grumbles a little bit before dramatically flopping down onto the carpet. "Fine then. Oppress me even more." With a gentle smile Evergreen relays the following kind message to him. "Well, with the way you act, you deserve to be."

For a while no one says anything, but Laxus feels more than sees multiple pairs of eyes gliding all over his form. "If there's anything you guys want to say, just spit it out. You're creeping me out with the staring." Awkwardly Bickslow turns his head away as though he hadn't been staring (he's not a very convincing actor). Evergreen however isn't so inclined and continues to look at him, head a bit cocked. "Don't take it personal please, I'm merely assessing how big the chance is that you're our Laxus."

He lets her stare, opting to distract himself by fishing his necklace from shirt and twirling the dainty key attached to it between his fingers, trailing over the letters 'together in Paris' engraved in the tiny thing. The movement catches the attention of the three around him and while Bickslow is busy chocking on his chicken leg, Freed gives the other two a smug glance. "Shut up", Evergreens snaps before he can even opens his mouth, but the young man can't help but shrug cheekily. "Alright Ever dearest." At the open mockery, she decides to try suffocating him with a pillow. She doesn't succeed but the scene does draw a smile from Laxus.

After the bout of tomfoolery, Evergreen plops back unto the couch and shoos Laxus off it. "Fellas", she says addressing Bickslow and Freed more than him. "Tomorrow we'll be starting our journey to Paris. What do we do with him?" This time, she does address him, eyes boring into his soul.

"What does he want?" Freed hummed, faux-nonchalance painted across his figure. "Not that it really matters, I mean, our fourth train ticket is for prince Laxus and this young man says he isn't him. We can't take him with us", the man says, checking his nails and refusing to even spare Laxus a glance. The way he talks over him as though he isn't there grates on his nerves and he grits his teeth together. "I am him, that's what you said. Or are you going to take back your words now?"

"I am convinced, but are you?" The man's grin is infuriatingly patronizing and he tuts a bit at Laxus as though he's a child unable to make his own decisions. "I am the prince, alright? So my dearest subject", he smiles, spite colouring his words, "Shut the fuck up."

Holding his hands up as though Laxus' reaction wasn't perfectly reasonable, Freed sighs. "Oh prince of my heart, please do control your emotions. Such a blatant display of discontent is quite unsightly." Snorting, Evergreen gives Laxus a few pats on his shoulder. "I like you, please continue pissing him off. You're a good one Laxus."

Rolling his eyes, Freed lays down on the discoloured carpet beside the couch. "Our dearest future tsar is indeed quite lovely. I'm sure I'll dream of nothing but him", Freed taunted, eyes dragging across Laxus' entire form, a wicked grin playing along his lips. When their eyes inevitably met, Freed dragged out the words, "Nothing but my dearest prince", obnoxiously popping the 'p'. "Goodnight!" the man wished him with a wide, insincere smile before he wished Evergreen and Bickslow the same, fondness turning both his expression and voice kinder. It was a bummer that he couldn't be decent to Laxus like that. Wasn't that something akin to a capital crime?

"We'll be leaving early tomorrow morning, so you should try to catch some shut-eye as well", Bickslow explains before crashing right on top of Freed, who lets out a disgruntled little "oof". Evergreen curls up on the couch and Laxus awkwardly scans the room from his position on the floor. With a tired sigh he lays down unto the carpet as well, leaving a few feet between himself and the mass of limbs that's Freed and Bickslow. He doesn't want to get entangled with that.

Waking up, Laxus instinctively knows he's failed his resolution from the previous day. He's utterly engulfed in warmth and despite the hair in his mouth that's most definitely not his own, he decides to simmer in the heat for a while. Unused to the sensation, he draws the heatsource closer. In return his personal heater hums a little before tightening his arms around Laxus.

The little detail that throws him off though, is the insistent snickering around him. Reluctantly he opens his eyes and after blinking a few times to adjust to the light he looks at the being entrapping him.

It's Freed, because of course it is the most aggravating bastard on this unholy earth that has decided to interrupt his perfectly peaceful sleep. "Bitch", he mutters before looking up to meet the curious gazes of Bickslow and Evergreen. "Now that's a bit uncalled for baby", Bickslow judges and Laxus ignores him in favour of collecting a pillow from the couch. "It's time for him to wake up too, right?" Evergreen gives him a slight nod, but removes herself from the scene. He really should've thought harder about his following actions, especially considering that Bickslow scoots backwards too.

With an unforgiving force he brings the pillow in the direction of the greenhaired man's head. However, the two do not connect as Freed's eyes spring open and with a combination of both grace and brute force, he grabs Laxus by the arm and throws him over him, making him slam into the corner of the nearby table.

"Ah fuck, sor-" As soon as he notices who exactly it is he attacked, he stops mid-apology. An infuriating smirk plasters itself onto his face instead. "Dear prince, as you can see I'm a jack of all trades." Leaning against his side, the man lets his fingers skips across Laxus' shoulders, whispering: "I'll protect all of this for you, everything inch from head to toe." Laxus tries to swat him away but the bastard proves to be annoyingly strong. He ends pushing against a cheek that feels surprisingly soft to distance himself from Freed.

"Boys, if you could stop fondling each other for a minute, we have to catch a train", Evergreen remarks dryly and Bickslow cuts in, "and breakfast, preferably. I'd kill for a meal."

"Then do it", Freed says, eyes wide open. "Human flesh is-" Laxus takes it upon himself to silence him by gagging him with his arm. Dragging the struggling man along, he nods at Evergreen. "Let's go", he says and sighs wearily. He's already regretting this.

Eventually he has to let go of Freed, because dragging a man along in that manner is a bit suspicious and he isn't looking to be arrested. Thanks to what probably is divine intervention, the man has decided to shut his wicked mouth for now. Instead he's letting his gaze slip over their surroundings, letting it hover at certain foodstalls. The overall expression of his face is inconspicious, innocent even with his slightly parted pink lips and youthful glow. But in the depths of his eyes swirl wayward lights and Laxus shivers. Who knows what this man is truly capable of?

Soon, he gets a demonstration of Freed's slightly shadier sides. Although he has to admit it's nothing he hasn't done himself and that Freed's probably not the only crook at work at this market. Approaching one of the vendors with a bright smile, Freed draws the man into a discussion about his wares. Are they the truly the best in town, as his sign says and other useless questions.

Provoked by the questions, the man offers Freed a sample, boasting about his quality. Freed nods along as the man explains the process of making the bread, interjecting with questions here and there. As the vendor launches into from one passionate speech into the other, Freed puts his nimble fingers to work.

It's the nonchalance of his actions that truly baffle Laxus. He doesn't even try to hide his actions, he casually swipes goods here and there and to top it all off? The vendor doesn't notice. At all. As someone who's gotten beaten quite a lot for getting caught pickpocketing, he's envious of the whole ordeal.

After purchasing a single slice of lemon cake and bidding the vendor goodbye, Freed returns to them. "I got you lot some breakfast, want it now or on the train?" Laxus' stomach rumbles at that very moment and as the tips of his ears colour slightly red, Evergreen doesn't spare him his dignity and gives a light chuckle. "Although circumstances", she glances at Laxus and he glares back, "seem to demand we have breakfast now, I'd advise to wait until we can sit down. I think it would make for a far more pleasing experience, right?"

Agreeing with her, they continue their walk. "Do you always gather your breakfast in that manner?" Laxus asks Freed and the man shrugs. "Is it of any importance dear prince? Is being fed not enough for your royal highness?"

"I'm wondering if you guys don't even have enough money to eat...How the hell are we going to get to Paris?" Freed's mouth falls open in a surprised 'o' shape and he covers it with his hand. "Oh my...there's some form of intelligence there after all", he gasps in faux-surprise.

As he moves to swipe at the guy, Freed swiftly stops him by shoving the lather large remnant of his slice of lemon cake into Laxus' mouth. Gross. That thing's been in the other man's mouth. He doesn't hesitate to voice his thoughts, but does throw in a little thank you because he had been hungry and contrary to other people, he knows what manners are.

"No problem", Freed says, voice honeyed and sweet. "The knowledge that you are enjoying your stolen goods, brings me the greatest happiness my dear prince!" Laxus swipes at him again and Freed dodges by smoothly skipping forwards. When he looks back and sees Laxus indignant face and puffed up cheeks, he lets out a laugh that sounds surprisingly close to genuine.

#fraxus #Freed Justine #Laxus Dreyar #freedxlaxus #Evergreen #Bickslow #Raijinshuu #fanfic #anastasia au #TheFairyWrites

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dailudannos · 4 years

Text

Reverse Role P2!

I have more developed spreadsheets and character builds ready. So now I feel confident in sharing a part 2 of my very special AU.

{TW: This talks about causes of death; I'm incredibly sorry if anyone is not able to handle it}

(This is very long, working on mobile sucks)

Pariah Dark is a wild child and more of the wild card than what Fright Knight is

Peter Moore grew up as another rich kid next door to Arthur, and cherished his bromance with him in his best friend's time of need. But he acts more of a frat boy when it comes to high school

Freshman year and he already gets in detention for reasons he doesn't even know. No bad grades, just bad conduct is all. Arthur usually has to keep him in check when it comes to keeping a low profile as a ghost superhero

Before his halfa beginning trying to save Arthur from a house fire, he went inside and his eye was slashed by the bearer of the sword protecting Arthur's body, and has a scar on his left eye, trailing down his face

Sidney Poindexter is alive and well in this alternative universe. Very intelligent and extremely smart, he could've been a scientist, but instead became a high school teacher to help the other kids out

He's young in this AU, as he was young in the show. Only 25 years old and he can kind of relate to the kids. It's mostly forms of science that are best with the students

Penelope; human biology, Damien; botany & biology, Nicolas; study of atoms & molecule studies, Amber; Study of sound and soundwaves, Jeremiah; Biology & genetic mutations, Braden; Marine Biology, and Arthur/Peter are good test students to use for an experiment

Although he can be strict sometimes, he still helps his students to the best of his ability

Youngblood is all grown up as well, and has a lot to show as mayor of Amity Park

Taylor Elizabeth, aged 28, good-looking, and wishing for the well-being of the next generation of hard working citizens of Amity Park. He got “youngblood” as a nickname bc he’s lived in Amity for almost all his life. He loves it here, even if it is weird with its ghostly residents

The kids call him Mayor Youngblood, cause it’s just fun to say. Taylor doesn’t mind, because they’re only kids, you only live once (right?)

Lunch Lady is your every day, average...well...lunch lady! She loves her job as a chef at school. And enjoys having her time spent with the kids that she’s come to know over the years.

Lucille Landerman, just like a mother hen, she dotes on the boys when they compliment on her cooking. She’s not just MEAT MEAT MEAT, and makes meals for kids with specific allergies. She looks at JJ like the sweet little boy she thinks he is, and he smiles awkwardly as she pats him on the shoulder

Sometimes, when no ones looking, she give extra dessert to Damien and Braden, and cookies to the rest of the kids.

And she’s no granny, let me tell you. When she was younger, she use to fight on rooftops and be super big for her age. But when a ghost or attacker tries to hurt the kids she feeds, you bet she’s gonna hit them with an iron skillet on the head

Box Ghost is the same as Lunch Lady, very caring and usual easy going with the kids, even if they are having a bad day, he'll pull out a pun or two to cheer anyone up

Bejamin Boxmore; early 40's, school janitor/custodian. He likes having Damien around, especially when he needs help with a heavy load of boxes coming and going into the supply closet. At the end of the day, he'll give the good-natured boy a little gift-wrapped box, usually with a trinket or a tiny flower pot as a thanks

And he's not at all going to deal with the tomfoolery of some ghost that wants to hurt the good students of Casper High, so he always carries at least a broom or a mop with him at all times

He has a little girl from a past marriage named Lucy; he adores her everytime she comes over to his house on the weekends

Siblings Dorothea and Aragon are always by each other's side, stuck to one another like glue. They have their backs covered, and defend anyone who can't defend themselves

Dorothy and Alexander Pendragon come groom a long line of royalty, and their wealth says so. Born twins, Alex usually takes the lead as the older twin, but Dorothy takes charge with a plan in mind. They've both known Penelope and Arthur for a long time, and became friends based on their hatred for being the rich kids on the block

Dorothy is extremely intelligent when it comes to engineering and technical difficulties, which makes her a good study partner

Alex is the bronze of the two, thinking mostly with his fists rather than with his head. Dorothy usually has to keep him from getting into trouble, and even then that doesn't help

They both came into their powers when they inherited strange matching medallions from two great grandparents, that were also twins. When they finally put them on, they couldn't handle the powers the jewels possessed, and their lives were forever changed

In their ghostly forms, they have a reptilian appearance reassembling a dragonborn child, but with wings and a tail. They have abilities the same as a ghost, with fire breathing and a dragon form

They're referred to as "The Dragon Twins" as they're forms look exactly the same, except Alex is black and white, and Dorothy is blue and green

Clockwork is a teenaged genius with the mental capacity between a child, a teenager and a 42 year old man. He's the top of his class and an intelligent young man

His ADHD can leave him acting like the total opposite of what he normally acts like. First a mature, composed 15 year old child genius, to an adrenaline junkie for a taste of fun and cotton candy

His coming-of-ghostly-status resulted from multiple gunshots in the legs, which were almost fatal if the angel of death had not intervened. He woke up in the hospital, paralyzed to the waist down, and being able to slow down time at will

The name "Clockwork" was strung together by JJ, who insisted his time controlling powers were amazing, and he needed a name to match such cool abilities

Nocturne is the weird kid from middle school that turned the hot guy that can literally SHAPESHIFT FROM BOY TO GIRL-HOW DOES HE DO IT???

He's also really laid back and goes with the flow of things. He's known more as a gentle giant bc of his height. But he also loves to help some of the shorter teachers out in case they can't reach anything

Nova Lewis is one of the few very mysterious kids in school. Nobody knows if he is a he, a she, a they??? It's confusing to everyone at school, but only Nova knows that

They're great friends with Charlie and are exceptionally great with the other kids too. Arthur and Peter welcomed him with bear hugs when they found another ally in the ghost half team. The girls love to take fashion advice from them based on their own style, and being that he's tall and lanky, he helps JJ with annything taller than 5'9"

How they came to be was really twisted and horrible. Nova's parents had been in a cult for years, hiding from him in secret, worshipping to one and only 'dreamer god' who would whisper sweet nothings to make the pain of reality go away. One day, in order to 'summon' his great god, there needed to be a sacrifice; someone who was young, and free, and had the most innocence

Bingo! Nova was taken and blindfolded, deep into the woods, on a starry night, when the moon was full, and brought into a circle of concrete with symbols on it. The deed was done, blood had been spilled from the mouth of the young child, but nothing happened. The followers left, leaving the body behind, when Nova gasped once more for life

The very next day he went to the police and filed an attempted cult killing by his parents, and they were arrested for attempted murder; now he lives with his aunt in Amity

Omg I am SO gonna do origin story comics because I love doing every single back story for these characters

#danny phantom #reverse role au #dp pariah dark #dp dorathea #sidney poindexter #dp youngblood #dp lunch lady #dp box ghost #dp aragon #dp clockwork #dp nocturne #I think I went into more depth with nocturne than anybody else #more depth more story I guess

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occultdigest · 4 years

Note

essie for that oc ask meme !

The Sexy Post-Apocalypse Doctor

Full Name: Esther Eugenie Charbonneaux (But she really just prefers Essie!)Gender and Sexuality: Trans Lesbian GalPronouns: She/HerEthnicity/Species: DwarfBirthplace and Birthdate: The Dwarven Stronghold of Steinnthorpe, and She’s 40!Guilty Pleasures: She likes really fancy cocktails and liquors, but never in excess. Just a little sip after work.Phobias: Loss of Identity and Disappointing peopleWhat They Would Be Famous For: She’s pretty famous for killing a wyrm by herself and also being a good surgeon/midwifeWhat They Would Get Arrested For: Partying too hard probablyOC You Ship Them With: Aurora Froud (If I can draw them together but my hand won’t allow it). They do pine for each other but just never act on those feelings.OC Most Likely To Murder Them: FeyFavorite Movie/Book Genre: She likes comedies!Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Side characters just randomly dyingTalents and/or Powers: Dwarven Constitution, Pretty Strong, good Surgery Skills, Smouldering Dwarven CharismaWhy Someone Might Love Them: She’s very friendly and lively, as well as patient and caring. A good drinking pal and partner in tomfooleryWhy Someone Might Hate Them: She can be a bit stubborn and hotheaded but that’s very rareHow They Change(d): She used to be sort of a big jerk but in her time traveling the country she’s really mellowed out and learned to be better!Why You Love Them: She’s definitely a comforting character to draw and write for. And she’s very attractive, but that’s just an afterthought.

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thesanguinerose · 4 years

Text

Week One Apprentice April Asks

I wanted to post the remaining asks for my boys, so here you go!

Questions already answered are linked. Also RIP to mobile users. I’m so sorry.

For Rory:

1. The Basics. What is your character’s name? How old are they? How tall are they? Skin color? Eye color? Hair color? Gender identification?

Riordan “Rory” Enda Tanner is 26 years old at the start of the game. He was born April 11 (Aries), and is trans (he/him only, please). He does identify as gay, though he has been known to have some wiggle room - rare as said wiggle room is. He stands at a towering 5’2” (though he wears heeled boots 99% of the time so really everyone sees him at….5’5”), is incredibly pale and rosy and freckled, has green eyes, and brown hair that’s usually pulled back into a ponytail or braid. Sometimes he leaves it down, though, and it is close to waist length. He likes to wear silver earrings (cuffed up to his cartilage), and his colors are Navy, Cream, and Silver. He made his own binder by developing a modified stay, though his build is slight enough that he doesn’t require it all the time. His general outfit is a white undershirt, with the sleeves rolled up, his modified stay, a navy vest/jerkin, and brown trousers and boots. Fairly simple and standard. Doesn’t garner much attention. He also cannot see very well and has circular spectacles. However, due to his clumsiness, Rory keeps them on a chain in case they fall from his face. Which they do. Frequently. (Further outfit info can be provided on request for pre-death/masquerade/etc purposes if interested!)

2. Love Interest. Who does your character love? What attracted them to that particular LI?

Answered here

3. Familiar. Does your character have a familiar? How did they meet?

Answered here

4. Hobbies. What kinds of things does your character like to do for fun?

He likes to sew. One of his passions is designing and sewing together outfits or finding fun ways to design practical clothing items. He makes all of his own clothing and post-game experiments with many different kinds and colors of fabrics. He also enjoys writing - mostly journal entries as he doesn’t want to forget any other aspect of his life from now on. Also enjoys horseback riding and general tomfoolery!

5. Hidden talents. Is there something neat that your character can do? Tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue? Say any word backwards perfectly?

SFW - He’s a very good dancer, though usually just when others aren’t looking. He is also a fan of sleight of hand tricks, using magic or just by being slippery.

…..he has some NSFW ones, but those are available upon request ^_^

6. Magical talents. Is there a specific type of magic that your character excels at? Any magic they aren’t so great at? Or do they actually shy away from magic altogether?

Rory has some natural talent and some learned. Naturally, he is adept with fire based magic, and prophetic divination, most of which is involuntary. He is also prone to emotional outbursts that result in items being broken/people being hurt. Learned, he excelled at alchemy, illusion, and magical theory. He likes the balance and physicality of alchemy, versus the creativity and freedom of illusion, and how they play into one another. Most of his learned magic was lost, but Asra retaught him a bit of it :)

7. Interaction. How does your character typically interact with people?

Answered here

8. Romance. What is something that your character and their LI love to do together? How do they show affection?

With Julian, they like to go on adventures. The more places they can go, the better. They are also both very good at surprising each other with events, gifts, vacations. Sometimes, just the simple things like making breakfast in the morning, or a comforting hug after a bad day. Rory primarily shows his affection with words and actions - he is very much a fan of telling people that he loves them and why, and wants to hug and touch as much as he can. He requires the same, though usually the words are the important part, especially as his insecurities show up. He just needs reassurance that he is loved, and he is glad to provide the same as is needed.

9. Travel. Does your character like to travel outside of Vesuvia? How often? For how long? What kinds of things do they do away from home?

Now he does. He was raised on a farm in a small village about a week’s travel southwest of Vesuvia. He ran away from home at 18, stayed briefly with his aunt in Vesuvia, went to school in Prakra for magic, then returned to Vesuvia to help his aunt with her shop. Up until his death, however, he stayed within the general city limits. Once he is brought back, he stays at home up through end-game. At that point, he and Julian travel all over the world, for months at a time, especially once they get Julian his own ship. They regularly travel to Nevivon and galavant across Prakra, but always return home to Vesuvia. Every trip means a new place that Rory hasn’t seen, and if Julian hasn’t been there, either, all the better!

10. WTF. Has anything just…weird ever happened to your character? Something that made them stop and go “What just happened?!”

Answered here

11. Crime. Has your character ever been arrested? If so, what did they do? Have they ever helped stop a crime?

He’s never been caught ;) See Question 10 for stopping crimes, though that hardly counts, doesn’t it?

12. Secrets. What is a secret that your character has? Are they in line for the throne in a far off land? Was there this one time at band camp…? Are they secretly involved in an assassin’s guild?

Answered here

13. Overcompensation. Is there something that your character just HAS to do better than anyone else? Or are they just that dang good without trying? If they see someone else showing off, what is their kneejerk reaction?

Answered here

14. Fight Club. Is your character a good fighter? What kind of skills do they have?

Answered here

15. The Arts. Is your character a creative type? What kinds of things can they create? Can they act? Street perform?

He can sketch! Not well, and not people, but he likes to sketch out landscapes and plants. Professional Doodler ;) He also does stage magic and sleight of hand for fun, and has been known to do some work down at the community theater. He can sing, but he’s a better dancer, preferring to let his body do the talking for him. Wishes he could play an instrument, but for everyone’s sake...best not to let him near one!

16. Goofy. Is your character a clown? Do they like to make people laugh?

Answered here

17. Language. Is your character multilingual? How many languages do they speak? Do they have an accent? Is it sexy? Is it silly? Do they have a multilingual lisp?

Answered here

18. Embarrassment. What is something really embarrassing that your character has done/said?

Honestly, when he first went to Prakra, he was a bit of a bumpkin. So just his overall reactions to being in a metropolis, plus his shy demeanor, led him to act in some embarrassing ways around people he wanted to befriend. In game, Rory is notoriously clumsy, not quite used to his limbs, like a young colt. He laughs off his embarrassment, now, at least!

19. Memory. Has your character gotten any of their memory back? If so, what? Did it change them?

Not properly. When he became strong enough, Asra gave Rory back his old journal, which documented Rory’s life from the ages of 16 to 22, when he died. Rory can’t read it for too long or, yes, the headaches start. So instead of getting his memories back, he just sort of re-reads what his life was from the point of view of someone that he...quite simply doesn’t relate to anymore. But it’s good for him to know, he thinks. To see what he was like, and to avoid making similar mistakes. It does inspire him to make his own journal, and to keep track of his days so he never loses another moment again.

20. Family. Talk about your character’s family. Who were they?

Answered here

For Riley

1. The Basics. What is your character’s name? How old are they? How tall are they? Skin color? Eye color? Hair color? Gender identification?

Riley Aeron Tanner is 24 years old at the start of the game. He’s a Virgo, born September 17th, and is cis, using he/him pronouns. Highkey a bisexual disaster who doesn’t quite know what to do with all the feelings he has, and also pretty oblivious to people liking him! He’s 6’2” and built like a brick shithouse, warm skin-toned, easy to tan, but still very clearly pale. He has brown eyes and dark brown hair, which he tries to keep short, but he’s not very good at cutting it, so it sometimes hits near chin length. He can be found wearing very practical clothing that makes it easy to move as he does a lot of stocking/lifting/errand running for the shop, as well as odd jobs around town. Also very earthy in his tones - lots of greens and browns and oranges! He’s also not incredibly hairy, but he does have a fair amount of body hair - including a full beard, which he tries to keep neatly trimmed. Unlike his brother, he can see without glasses, so any accessories would be practical - a bag, tools, and the like.

2. Love Interest. Who does your character love? What attracted them to that particular LI?

Answered here

3. Familiar. Does your character have a familiar? How did they meet?

Answered here

4. Hobbies. What kinds of things does your character like to do for fun?

He likes to play the lute, go for walks outside the city, and people watch. He’s definitely a people person and his favorite is going into the marketplace and just complimenting people on their wares, or drawing the animals he sees running around. And just being an all around good guy...Those are hobbies, right?

5. Hidden talents. Is there something neat that your character can do? Tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue? Say any word backwards perfectly?

Answered here

6. Magical talents. Is there a specific type of magic that your character excels at? Any magic they aren’t so great at? Or do they actually shy away from magic altogether?

Honestly, Riley isn’t good at magic at all. He’s never shown an affinity for it, and it’s never been that big a deal to him. In his canon, Rory dies when Riley is 15, and so he pursues magic as a way to honor him, even if it’s hard. He gains an affinity for Green Magic and enjoys tarot, but he still isn’t particularly good at either of them. After he is brought back, of course, this changes, and his magical powers develop very quickly.

7. Interaction. How does your character typically interact with people?

He. Loves. People. He’s like a big puppy - loud and excited, kind and helpful, constantly the life of the party. He tries to help people in need whenever he can, and if he ends a conversation with the other person grinning, then he has succeeded! Generally well liked, but not smug or rude about it. He’s just a good dude!

8. Romance. What is something that your character and their LI love to do together? How do they show affection?

With Portia, they like to go on adventures together either in real life, or in their books. He likes it when she reads to him, and he likes to read to her. He likes to surprise her with events and little shows of physical affection - neck kisses, spinning her around, humming into her ear, massages after a long day. He likes to doodle her - though he is so upset that he can’t catch her likeness in his stick figures, not properly. Riley also serenades her - out in public or in the privacy of their home - doesn’t matter!

9. Travel. Does your character like to travel outside of Vesuvia? How often? For how long? What kinds of things do they do away from home?

He doesn’t travel very often. He’s stayed in Vesuvia since he moved there at 15, so I guess you could say he’s a bit of a homebody. He will travel occasionally, especially if Portia wants to, and is open to adventure, but it doesn’t occur to him to leave unless someone else suggests it.

10. WTF. Has anything just…weird ever happened to your character? Something that made them stop and go “What just happened?!”

Answered here

11. Crime. Has your character ever been arrested? If so, what did they do? Have they ever helped stop a crime?

Riley is generally pretty lawful good, though in both Rory and Riley’s canons, he does take up with a small militia to fight some of Lucio’s men. I suppose that was a crime, though I would argue the validity of that claim. He’s stopped a robbery or two in the past, but he generally tries to stay out of trouble.

12. Secrets. What is a secret that your character has? Are they in line for the throne in a far off land? Was there this one time at band camp…? Are they secretly involved in an assassin’s guild?

Answered here

14. Fight Club. Is your character a good fighter? What kind of skills do they have?

Yes. He can punch, he can throw, he can swordfight - He’s just very good at fighting. In canon, he is a practiced fighter, and in most AUs, he has done boxing or wrestling in addition to weightlifting. Boy can Fight!

15. The Arts. Is your character a creative type? What kinds of things can they create? Can they act? Street perform?

Answered here

16. Goofy. Is your character a clown? Do they like to make people laugh?

Answered here

17. Language. Is your character multilingual? How many languages do they speak? Do they have an accent? Is it sexy? Is it silly? Do they have a multilingual lisp?

Answered here

18. Embarrassment. What is something really embarrassing that your character has done/said?

Asra tried to tell Riley he loved him once before Riley’s death, and Riley just said, “Oh, wow, buddy! I love you too!” because he didn’t realize what Asra meant. Once he did realize, it was deeply embarrassing for both of them and Riley felt really bad about it.

19. Memory. Has your character gotten any of their memory back? If so, what? Did it change them?

He hasn’t. But maybe it’s better to forget, y’know? He can move forward instead of looking back on what he lost.

20. Family. Talk about your character’s family. Who were they?

See Rory’s answer for most of this. The only difference is the dynamic. Riley was raised as the “perfect” child in contrast to the abuse Rory faced, and so developed a weird complex around being “perfect”. He was spoiled, though did not want to be, and was uncomfortable with it. He also looked up to his older brother like he was made of everything good in this world - Riley wanted so much to be like Rory.

#apprenticeapril #long post #rory redacted #riley redacted #i'm so sorry this is so long #and the formatting probably got messed up #al;skjflajd #the arcana game #uhhhh #have fun with these

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bastionbabble · 5 years

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Two Cups of Tea (Zia, Zulf, 2856 words, worksafe)

Two cups of tea, Zulf explains, is an Ura children’s game. It is a game of two people, one of whom is sad, and the other of whom must make the first laugh. The first person must drink two cups of tea without laughing; if they laugh, they’re not allowed to be sad anymore. If they don’t laugh, they can be sad as long as they want.

(ao3 link)

for @janglingargot for the sgg secret santa event. thank you for your patience and please enjoy.

Zia has always been the strongest of them all. She knew loneliness like she knew her own body, like she knew the tracks of her veins down her arms, and from that knowledge she built herself a tower of self-love and fiery will that no man was strong enough to break down. When everyone buckled under the weight of loss and the flaming wreckage of the world, Zia stood still, stood proud, stood strong, stood sturdy enough for all of them to lean on her without her ever faltering. Her heart beat in time with the Bastion’s and deep within them was the same burning Core, that brightness that kept them going, kept them holding up themselves and everyone else. And how hot that Core burned, how brilliant, but even with all her strength, it could not burn forever. Zia has always been the strongest of them all, but every well must run dry eventually.

Zia has not left her tent in three days. The Kid has come, Rucks has come, but she’s sent them away. Zulf comes but won’t let her send him away. Weak in body but strong in mind, Zulf is not one to be deterred. He has a tarnished metal teapot with tarnished metal teacups, the only things sturdy enough to survive what the Calamity wrought, and says, ‘We’ll play two cups of tea.’

‘Stupid,’ Zia grumbles.

‘Great,’ says Zulf, and he begins to prepare the tea.

Zia is curled up in her bedroll and she pulls her blankets over her head. She has created herself a cocoon of warmth and safety, a pleasing mix of pressure and darkness. It is like the time before being born, back when everything was quiet and simple. No thinking, just existing, just being. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to then. But things are never as simple as that. No one is ever that lucky. One’s only choice is to live.

‘The tea is done,’ Zulf says. Zia stays under the covers. Zulf pulls the blanket off her head and says, ‘I said, the tea is done.’

With a grumble, Zia pushes herself up into a sitting position. ‘I don’t want your tea,’ she says, but still takes a cup when Zulf offers it to her. It’s always been hard to say no to Zulf. She hesitates, watching Zulf, waiting for something to happen.

‘You have to drink your tea if you want to start the game.’

Zia doesn't want to start the game, but she drinks her tea anyway. It's aged and earthy and tastes overwhelmingly like tree bark and dried moss. Zia likes floral teas, ones that taste like spring rain and dewy meadows and flowers that prickle when bloomed. But Zulf favors his flavors to be rounder, a mouth feel that starts at the bottom. If he wants to drink tea that tastes like the underside of a snail, that doesn't mean he has to make Zia do it too. Zia takes a sip of the, grimaces, and looks to Zulf to await his next move.

Zulf watches Zia as she drinks her tea, his eyes bright and shining. There’s a minute of silence, of Zia forcing down her tea, of Zulf watching and waiting and preparing his mind to pounce. ‘I'm going to tell you a story,’ he starts, ‘and you have to promise to not tell the others. Do you agree?’

Zia stops slurping her tea long enough to nod. Getting stories from Zulf was a difficult task; he was particular about the image he put out, especially since the others were prone to teasing, and Zulf shaped his appearance to that of a refined gentleman, suave and smooth and charming. He’s always the diplomat, even if there’s no one with which to be a diplomat. Sometimes he plays himself the fool, but the stories of hijinks and tomfoolery were rare. All knew Zulf had a questionable past, but no one had the knowledge to its extent. If Zulf requires this story to be secret, it must be something really good.

‘When I was young, I had a… difficult relationship with the missionary. He didn't find me until I was 13, and I was raised on the streets. I was, one might say, very uncouth. He wanted me to be a man of the Gods, one who worshipped and revered them. I had no desire for such; I wanted to run around with my friends and be, well… a hooligan, I suppose one could say. And I was a little hooligan. I was 15 and I had a boyfriend of whom my father didn’t approve and we got into all sorts of trouble. Most of the time, it was smoking cigarettes and petty vandalism. We painted some very crude things on the sides of buildings.’

‘Like what?’ Zia asks, already growing giddy from the secret knowledge Zulf is imparting upon her.

‘Nothing that needs to be repeated,’ Zulf huffs, and clears his throat. ‘Go back to drinking your tea, I'm not finished yet.’

Zia returns to sipping the bitter liquid, and Zulf starts again. ‘As I was saying. We got into trouble a lot and my father was losing patience. He was a kind man, and he never yelled, but his frustration grew. And I was not used to having someone instruct me, so I often acted out. I said a lot of foolish things to him. One time, it became very bad. He had just picked me up after my third arrest--’

Zia sputters and nearly drops her teacup. ‘Your third arrest?!’

Zulf's cheeks bloom like roses. ‘I was a troubled youth,’ he mumbles. ‘But that's not the important part. Let me finish. We were in the den, and he was telling me I couldn't act like that anymore, that I had to be a gentleman and well-behaved. Well, I became so angry I called him a…’

Zulf turns his face away and mumbles the secret into his sleeve. ‘What? What'd you call him?’ Zia asks, breathless and silly with excitement, frustrated for the story’s climax.

Zulf sighs, makes the sign of Mother over his chest, and says, ‘I called him… I called him a Motherfucker.’

Zia gasps and drops her teacup. The bark-brown liquid seeps into her blanket, but she gives it no attention. To think of pious Zulf, who prays three times a day and never says anything worse than ‘damn’, who lines his clothing with proverbs, who sings his sorrows with the words of gods, to think of him blaspheming so deeply and darkly, is… is…

It’s hilarious, is what it is. It's so absurd it turns around to humor and Zia takes deep, measured breaths to keep her face as still as slate. Zulf did not look at Zia during his shameful confession but he now turns his gaze towards her, and frowns at her unamused look.

‘Not even a smile?’ he asks, and his lips sprout into a small one to encourage her. Zia remains unmoved, and Zulf shakes his head.

‘This isn't over,’ he says. ‘You still have one cup of tea left. But I have to--I have to pray. We'll do this later.’

Zulf leaves in a flurry of swishing robes and repenting fingers and Zia waits for one, two, three long breaths before she erupts in a fit of giggles light as wings. His story has momentarily lifted her despair like birdsongs, but it's not enough to relight her flame. Still, it's one worth remembering, and she's curious to are what the second story brings.

Zulf comes by the next day. Zia doesn't need his words to know to he spent the night singing his repentance. Again he has teacups and a teapot and more earthy, smoke-tinged tea. He goes about preparing the tea and he says, ‘I know you laughed after I was gone.’

Zia does a very good job of not smiling. ‘I have no idea what you're talking about,’ she says, and swallows the bubbles of laughter that rise up and dance in her throat.

‘That's cheating, but I'll allow it. We still have one more cup of tea, after all.’ Zulf pours her a cup of tea, eyes yesterday's tea stain on her blanket, turns his lips into a gentle curve at her. Zia remains ever impassive. ‘Fine, be that way. But I'll make you laugh with this next story. But. You can never tell Kid I told you this, do you understand?’

Zia nods and hides the shine of excitement in her eyes. She had considered telling the Kid about Zulf's previous story, if only because she knew how much he would appreciate Zulf's blasphemous curse. But Zia promised her silence, and the Kid couldn't hide a secret no matter how hard he tried. It will be difficult to keep the Kid's secret from himself, but it's worth it to learn it. Zia blinks back her excitement and says, ‘I understand.’

Zulf watches her, gauges her sincerity, then says, ‘Very well. This happened very long ago, before you came to the Bastion. It was shortly after the Kid brought me to her. I was… I wasn't doing so well. I was pretty despondent, and I responded to little. I barely ate. All I really did was sleep. All I thought about was everything I lost, everything I loved. All I thought about was her.’

The words climb up Zulf's throat and stick, expand, choke off anything more. A tear trickles down the side of his face and he takes deep, even breaths to halt more from coming. Taking his hand, Zia lifts it to her waiting lips and kisses it. ‘This doesn't seem like a very funny story,’ she says, her voice soft as footsteps and twice as gentle.

A moment of quiet stillness passes between them, the tension building in Zulf's bones fades, and he says, ‘No, no, it is. I just became lost in what doesn't matter.’ Zulf takes his hand back and kisses Zia on the forehead. ‘Let me start again.’

With a deep breath, Zulf begins anew. ‘So, it was a long time ago, and I was very sad. The Kid, Gods bless his stupid heart, wanted to make me feel better. He suggested a drinking contest; he said that alcohol would make everything better, and that the best way to drink would be a drinking contest. And I… Gods only know why, but I agreed. I suppose I was so low, I felt like I couldn't get any lower. We had quite a few bottles of Bastion Bourbon, too, so the Kid said we should use those. And bourbon is… quite strong. That was the first time I ever had bourbon, actually. I've never been one for drinking. The Kid, on the other hand, is quite used to it. As you've seen, I'm sure.

‘But, I'm getting distracted. We had Bastion Bourbon and shot glasses and the Kid and I set to drinking. He did a few shots first, as a way to even the playing field. It’s obvious his tolerance is much higher than mine. Then we did shots together, but after the third I was feeling quite woozy. I knew I would get sick if I had anymore. But the Kid wanted to keep going, and I didn’t want to lose, so I…’

Zulf trails off and his mouth twists into a grin both pleased and a little guilty. ‘What?’ Zia asks. ‘What did you do?’

Her tea has been abandoned as her attention has been drawn into the story. The murky liquid has grown bitter like unripe seaberries and every sip blooms a grimace across her features. But the tea doesn't matter anymore; any story involving the Kid and being drunk is bound to be a good one. Zulf keeps his next words hidden beneath his tongue and Zia shakes his arm until he finally speaks.

‘Well… I decided to fake drinking. Instead of doing a shot, I would throw it over my shoulder. Gods know how he didn't notice; I suppose he was more invested in his own drinking to pay it any mind. Regardless, this went on for quite a while. I don't think he realized how drunk he was, otherwise I think he would've stopped before he did. He certainly told me some things that I doubt he would have told me normally.’

‘Like what?’ Zia asks, eyes growing bright and vibrant with curiosity. The Kid was quiet, reticent, and getting personal information out of him was harder than herding squirts. Everything she knew of him was slowly pulled from the locked box in his heart over the years they've lived on the Bastion. Nothing came easy from him. But if Zulf got things out of him while he was drunk, maybe she should try getting him drunk, too.

‘Nothing that needs to be repeated,’ Zulf tsks. ‘It’s not appropriate for you. Still, I'm not done with this story. So, he was very, very drunk, and I had mostly sobered up. I was worried about the Kid becoming dehydrated, or more dehydrated, anyway, and went to retrieve water for him. I was only gone for a few minutes, but when I returned, he was… was…’

Zulf begins to giggle, high pitched as a pecker's song. He takes a deep, measured breath, but that does little to help. With laughter bubbling in his throat, Zulf says, ‘He was completely naked except for his boxers on his head, and waved his Pike while declaring himself king of the Bastion.’

For her credit, Zia lasts a good ten seconds without making a noise. Then she snorts, then she giggles, and finally she explodes in a shower of laughter. Once again she drops her teacup and she throws herself back on her blankets and slaps the ground as her laughter sings in her tent, out of her tent, into the brilliant blue skies outside. Tears roll down her cheeks and it takes several minutes for her to calm herself. As her breathing evens out, she looks to Zulf, who is grinning like the Anklegator that caught the Pecker. ‘I guess you won,’ Zia says, still grasping for breath.

‘I suppose I did,’he purrs, and hides his smile with his sleeve as not to gloat. ‘So, now you can't be sad anymore. How does that sound?’

‘I don't think it's that easy.’

‘No,’ Zulf says, ‘it's not. Feel this moment of freedom, savor it. Some days, it's difficult to go on. But you can tell me what's wrong. Let me help you.’

Zia closes her eyes, measures out her sadness into drops, unfurls the words hidden in her teeth. ‘…I miss my father. I never knew him. He was gone so much. He was less like a father and more like a stranger. But… he still was my father. Sometimes I think about, what if he had escaped too, and we met on the Bastion, and we were finally a real family, and--’

Zia's words die off like everyone in the Calamity died off. She presses her hands to her eyes and weeps, a low, mournful howl. Zulf strokes her hair like her father never did. Tear after tear falls from her eyes, and it's not until she's as dried out as ocean brine do her tears cease. As Zulf continues to pet her hair, she asks, ‘Does it ever get better? Does it ever go away?’

‘No,’ Zulf says, and leans down to kiss her on the forehead. ‘But it gets easier. I still miss my own father terribly. Some days, I still cry over him. But grief is like a tide; it comes in and goes out. It goes away, but it always come back. But it gets easier over time. It grows manageable. You are stronger than everyone else here combined; I know you can survive.’

With a sigh like winter winds, Zia uncovers her eyes. ‘So I guess I don't have a choice, huh? I just have to keep going.’

Zulf pats her head with a smile. ‘Exactly. Now, you go take a bath and get clean. I'll take care of the mess here.’

His tone is only slightly chiding. Zia mirrors his smile and sits up. ‘Yeah, yeah, I will.’ She pauses a moment, then kisses his cheek. ‘Thank you for this. It really helped.’

‘Of course,’ Zulf responds. ‘I'll always be here for you. Remember that.’

Getting up, Zia grabs a towel and a clean set of clothes, then says, ‘Oh, and Zulf? Next time you're sad, I'm doing this to you.’

She leaves and Zulf laughs to himself. It's always good to see her in better spirits.

#bastion #bastion game #bastion (game)#sggsecretsanta18 #janglinggargot #zia #zulf #writing #i luv me some platonic zia & zulf

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ayittey1 · 5 years

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COCONUT CLASSICS

Fed up with the buffoonery and tomfoolery coming out of Africa. So I compiled a litany of the eccentricities and flat-out acts of buffoonery that I have come across in my research and work on Africa. Let me know which one you like the best. Enjoy.

In March 2017, Emmanuel Elibariki, a hip-hop artist, released a song in which he asked “is there still freedom of expression in Tanzania?” He was promptly arrested and his song banned from the airwaves. (The Economist, Oct 19, 2017; p.43).

The late president, Gen. Samuel Doe of Liberia summoned his finance minister – “only to be reminded by aides that he had already executed him” (The New York Times, Sept 13, 2003; p.A4).

In 2016, Uganda’s Parliament voted Shs68 million ($18,320) to cover the funeral expenses of each MP (Daily Monitor, Sept 15, 2016). Hand them over. I will bury them for FREE – with the Cutlass!

President Yoweri Museveni of Uganda wants to ban oral sex “the mouth is for eating” https://bit.ly/2ILs3RV

"Corruption is everywhere -- in the villages, wherever", Zambia's Lands Minister Gladys Nyirango acknowledged at a major conference on graft in Africa. Hours later she was SACKED. (Sapa-AFP, March 4, 2007).

A former minister of finance was found hiding – where else? -- in a coconut tree: “Zambia’s former finance minister, Katele Kalumba, was arrested and charged with theft after the police found him hiding in a tree near his rural home. Mr. Kalumba, who had been on the run for four months, is being charged in connection with some $33 million that vanished while he was in office (The New York Times, Jan 16, 2003; p.A8).

In Zimbabwe, the anti-corruption czar, Ngonidzashe Gumbo, was himself a bandit, jailed for 10 years for defrauding the commission of $435,000 (The Herald, March 12, 2015). https://bit.ly/2UCre4b

Zambia President Edgar Lungu is buying a new Presidential Jet fitted with a cutting edge military grade anti-missile defense system which fires lasers at incoming heat-seeking missiles (Zambia Observer, Oct 12, 2018). https://bit.ly/2UyS9ho

In Feb 2019, “The First Lady of Zambia, Esther Lungu, travelled to the US with a 25-man delegation to receive four fire trucks, which the Los Angeles Fire Department, had RETIRED from service” (Punch, Feb 7, 2019). Hopefully they did not fly back with the trucks!

When two coconuts fight . . . https://on.wsj.com/2PlEVzd

RWANDA: “I have caught you supporting rebels to destabilize my government. Take that! The border is closed!” (Delivers a sharp left hook). UGANDA: “Wui! . . . No, it is you who is destabilizing my government. Take that!” (Delivers a stiff upper cut). AU (the referee) is snoring zzzzzzzzzz and awakes: “I APPEAL to both of you to end hostilities!” And goes back to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzz https://bit.ly/2SO3Agh https://bit.ly/2UzW39K

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Two journalists were arrested and charged with publishing false information for reporting that President Bingu wa Mutharika, had moved out of a new 300-room palace because he believed it was haunted. The two, Raphael Tenthani, who works for the BBC, and Mabvuto Banda of the newspaper The Nation, were reportedly taken in raids at their homes. Malawi newspapers and radio stations carried the ghost report over the weekend, quoting a senior official. Mr. Mutharika has angrily denied the reports, saying, "I have never feared ghosts in my life." (Agence France-Presse, March 16, 2005)

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Insecurity challenges heightened in Bayelsa State following separate incidents of kidnapping of four policemen and six other persons along Nembe waterways by gunmen suspected to be sea pirates. Sunday Independent gathered that the gunmen also seized a gunboat belonging to the Nigeria Police in an incident that occurred on Friday. Sources said the gunboat was escorting a barge owned by the Nigerian Agip Oil Company (NAOC) when the bandits struck (Daily Independent, October 26, 2014).

Coconut Eccentricities

Sudan

“Colonel Ibrahim Chamsadine was Sudan’s defense minister but was arrested and imprisoned in 1995 by Omar al-Bashir for opposing him. Later, the state claimed that he died in a plane crash on June 11, 2008. But he was found in a secret prison under a mosque in the Sudanese city of Omdurmanprison https://bit.ly/2YbKT9c

Mali

In March 1991, angry Malians took to the streets to demand democratic freedom from the despotic rule of Gen. Moussa Traore. He unleashed his security forces on them, killing scores, including women and children. But pro-democracy forces were not deterred and kept up the pressure. Asked to resign on March 25, he retorted: "I will not resign, my government will not resign, because I was elected not by the opposition but by all the people of Mali." Two days later, when he tried to flee the country, he was grabbed by his own security agents and sent to jail. From there, he lamented: "My fate is now in God’s hands."

Kenya

“President Daniel arap Moi has urged Kenyans to abstain from sex for at least two years to try to curb the spread of AIDS. . .Moi was speaking after the government announced plans to import 300 million condoms to fight AIDS” (The Telegraph, July 13, 2001)

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Uganda

Uganda’s Agriculture Minister, Kibirige Ssebunya, declared that: “All the poor should be arrested because they hinder us from performing our development duties. It is hard to lead the poor, and the poor cannot lead the rich. They should be eliminated" (New Vision, Kampala, Dec 15, 2004). He advised local leaders to arrest poor people in their areas of jurisdiction.

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Soldiers teach wealth creation

BUSHENYI- Soldiers implementing the newly established operational Wealth Creation program have urged farmers to stop being afraid of working with them, saying they are not a colonial army that used to force people to do community tasks. The appeal was made at a meeting for the program’s southwestern army coordinators in Bushenyi District last week. The project replaced Naads last year. The meeting was organized by the Uganda Coffee Development Authority (UCDA) aimed at harmonizing collaboration between UCDA and coordinators to improve the quality and production of coffee (Daily Monitor, Feb 24, 2015)

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No fewer than 300 Nigerian soldiers FLED to Cameroon when Boko Haram insurgents overran Mubi, the second largest city in Borno State from security forces on Oct 30, 2014 (SUNDAY PUNCH, Nov 2, 2014).

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Kibaki

In May 2005, Lucy Kibaki, one of the two wives of President Mwai Kibaki, was hopping mad. She stormed into the Nairobi office of The Daily Nation, confiscated notebooks, tape recorders and pens. Brandishing a copy of the newspaper, Mrs. Kibaki, flanked by several security officers and the Nairobi police chief, Kingori Mwangi, demanded to know the whereabouts of a reporter who had written a story headlined “Shame of First Lady” that offended her. “I am here to protest, and I’m not leaving until I find the reporter who has been writing all these lies,” a witness said. Mrs. Kibaki then camped herself for much of the night at the desk of the newspaper's editor, unleashing a fury of broadsides at the staff. When a local television crew arrived, she slapped a cameraman. The problem was that she chose the wrong newspaper to unleash her full fury. It was the rival Standard newspaper that had printed the offending article, not the Daily Nation. (The Daily Nation, May 9, 2005). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nigeria

The Nigeria Security and Civil Defense Corps (NSCDC) has proposed to spend N5 billion on the procurement of anti-terrorism, chemical, bio-radiation and NUCLEAR weapon equipment and other new projects. Breakdown of the budget by Daily Trust reveals that N254.2m was proposed for the procurement of NUCLEAR weapon equipment, as well as N196.6m for the purchase of two BMW 900 RT, 374 Sinoki motorcycles, 200 bikes and 30 rider kits. Daily Trust, Feb 21, 2018 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zimbabwe

Three people have appeared in court in Zimbabwe, accused of stealing a suitcase containing $150,000 (£117,600) of cash from the country's ousted president, Robert Mugabe. The suspected thieves allegedly spent the money on cars, homes and animals. A relative of the ex-president, Constantia Mugabe, is among the accused, government-owned media report. She allegedly had keys to Mr Mugabe's rural home in Zvimba, near the capital Harare, and gave the others access. The other suspects were employed as cleaners at the time of the theft, which allegedly happened some time between 1 December and early January (BBC Jan 10, 2019) https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-46830960 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

In January 2000,Kenya’s ruling party’s (KANU’s) gang of thugs known as Jeshi la Mzee (“the old man’s army”), attacked a group of opposition leaders outside parliament who were protesting against the resumption of IMF assistance. When the police were called to restore order, “It was the protesters, not the thugs, who were arrested” (The Economist, Feb 5, 2000; p.42). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zimbabwe

"In Zimbabwe, the thieves are in charge and their victims face prosecution" (The Economist, March 16, 2002; p.18). In 2000, Zimbabwe's Supreme Court ruled that invasions of white commercial farmlands by "war veterans" did not constitute a workable form of land redistribution -- a position, which was affirmed by a Commonwealth agreement struck in Abuja, Nigeria in Sept 2001. But President Robert Mugabe tossed the agreement aside, reconstituted the Supreme Court by packing it with pliant judges who then ruled on Dec 6 2001 that the violent land invasions were legal (The Economist, Dec 8, 2001; p.45).

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President Yoweri Museveni, who has been in power since 1986, was miffed in December 2017 when two Ugandan musicians suggested in a song that he should retire. The two were promptly arrested and charged with disturbing the peace of the president. “Singer David Mugema and music producer John Muwanguzi were accused of having composed and disseminated via the internet a tune titled “Wumula”, meaning “retire”, their lawyer Abdallah Kiwanuka told AFP” (Mail &Guardian, Dec 6, 2017).

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DR Congo frees goats from prison

A minister in the Democratic Republic of Congo has ordered a Kinshasa jail to release a dozen goats, which he said were being held there illegally. Deputy Justice Minister Claude Nyamugabo said he found the goats just in time during a routine jail visit. The beasts were due to appear in court, charged with being sold illegally by the roadside. The minister said many police had serious gaps in their knowledge and they would be sent for retraining. Mr Nyamugabo was conducting a routine visit to the prison when, he said, he was astonished to discover not only humans, but a herd of goats crammed into a prison cell in the capital. He has blamed the police for the incident.(Thank God, he didn’t blame the colonialists). It is not clear what will happen to the owners of the goats, who have also been imprisoned. BBC Africa analyst Mary Harper says that given the grim state of prisons in Congo, the goats will doubtless be relieved about being spared a trial. There was no word on what their punishment would have been, had they been found guilty.

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Traffic Drives Nigerians Nuts, but a Trip to a Shrink May Go Too Far Enforcement of One-Way Rules in Lagos Tests Motorists' Sanity; 'A Lot of Cannabis'

LAGOS, Nigeria—You'd have to be crazy to drive the wrong way down a one-way street here. At least, that's what cops in the local Anti-One-Way Squad say.

Seeking to stem an epidemic of wrong-way driving, Lagos authorities have ratcheted up the standard $160 fine. Scofflaws now also face psychiatric evaluations. Contesting the charge can jack up the fine to $1,600—and you still get sent to a shrink. The legal logic is simple, says Sina Thorpe, spokesman for the Lagos state ministry of transportation: If you violate one-way rules, "you should have your head examined." Threatening errant drivers with psychiatric exams, which locals deem more bureaucratic than medical, is a twist in the rough road of Nigerian traffic. Lagos bigwigs have long paid on-duty local cops to speed them through jams by riding shotgun with machine guns and menacing other drivers with bullwhips. Cut-price motorcycle taxis use thunderous horns that sound like 18-wheelers to frighten others out of the way. (The Wall Street Journal, July 27, 2011; p.A1

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Zambia: Zambia's Transport Minister, Nkandu Luo, acting to "improve sanity in the transportation industry" ordered all buses and taxis to be painted in same uniform color: Blue and white. The United Transport and Taxi Association (UTTA) who were not consulted on the move, claimed that the imposition of the colors "amounted to the worst form of dictatorship." "If they think it is such a good idea to have a uniform color, why don't they paint all government vehicles in the same blue and white so that they lead by example," UTTA member Mr. Bwalya Chupa complained. Passengers were not impressed either. "The buses should have been repaired before being smeared with a coat of paint," commuter Juliet Sefu opined. Rather than bring sanity to the transportation industry, most Zambians believe the Transport Minister has brought even further insanity to their already beleaguered transportation infrastructure (African Business, May 2001; p.13).

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Sierra Leone: The Sierra Leone Government is urging people to stop jeering and throwing stones at former military leader, Captain Valentine Strasser. A government statement said Captain Strasser had been embarrassed by people throwing stones at him and booing him when he ventured out on the streets of the capital, Freetown. "It is a great concern to the nation," the statement said (Daily Graphic, Accra, August 18, 2001; p.5).

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Uganda

Minister seeks to attract tourists: Uganda has sexy and curvy women . . . And coconuts too https://goo.gl/FXWsgi

Chad

The president built a moat around the capital to ward off rebel insurgency led by his relatives: “The government is digging a 10-foot-deep trench around the capital, Ndjamena, to prevent a repeat of an attack last month, when rebels in pickup trucks rolled in and fought two days of heavy battles. The ditch will all but encircle the city, slicing through neighborhoods and forcing vehicles to pass through fortified gateways, a security official said. The remaining trees that line the avenues of central Ndjamena are being felled. Residents say the rebels used trees knocked down by rocket-propelled grenades and cannon fire to block roads during the fighting” (Reuters reprinted in The New York Times, March 8, 2008). And who are the rebels? His own nephews and relatives. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zimbabwe

Zimbabwean President Emmerson Mnangagwa has launched a space agency, hailing it a "milestone" as he campaigns ahead of elections at the end of the month. The Zimbabwe National Geospatial and Space Agency will deploy earth observation satellites, global navigation satellite systems, unmanned aerial vehicles, geospatial and space technologies for better farming, mineral exploration, wildlife conservation, infrastructure management and disease surveillance, he said in Harare https://bit.ly/2GZCq3w

Coconut Combat on Corruption

In Feb 2014 when Lamidu Sanusi, the former governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, reported that some $20 billion in oil revenue was missing, it was he, the governor, who was immediately sacked by ex-Pres. Goodluck Jonathan for financial recklessness and misconduct! (BBC News, Feb 20, 2014) https://bbc.in/2Kb8rsE

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Paul Biya Fights Corruption? Don’t snicker; my head it splitting already! The man is holed up in Switzerland watching over his Swiss bank accounts! Holds a cabinet meeting every 4 years. In Oct 2018 he won a 7th 7-year term without even campaigning. He has already been in power for 41 years https://bit.ly/2XWI4cG

Life in a coconut Republic

Liberia under Pres. Charles Taylor

“Wheel barrows serve as ambulances for the people. The public schools do not function; more than 70 percent of the population is illiterate. Yet, all government ministers have Ph.D.s – some even three or four – all purchased. At the University of Liberia, Charles Taylor offered 11,000 scholarships to his friends in 1997 but did not pay their tuition bills. Nor did his government pay the salaries of university professors and public school teacher . . . Liberia had a judicial system but Taylor named his friends who could not read or write to be judges and attorneys, and sentences were handed down on his orders . . . The capital has a fire building, painted bright red but its only fire truck has no tires, headlamps, or even a hose. Wires dangle from the engine. With no running water in the city, firefighters must jog or hitchhike to a creek three miles away to fetch water in buckets to put out a fire” (The Washington Post, Sep 9, 2003; p.A18). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

The late General Sani Abacha’s family thought they were smart. They hired Usman Mohammed Bello – a Sudanese from Karsala -- to look after their three children attending school in Amman, Jordan. Usman became a close confidante of Abacha with access to several coded foreign bank accounts opened by the late General. The family so trusted him that Abacha gave him diplomatic status in the Nigerian foreign office in Amman. He was also issued with both diplomatic passport number F317567 and a standard passport number A104786. Subsequently, Abacha was poisoned or died in 1998 from exhaustion from a Viagra-fueled sex orgy – depending on upon which version one believes. A short transitional government led to the election of President Olusegun Obasanjo in March 1999, who vowed to recover Abacha’s loot of about $5 billion from abroad. On October 1, 1999, Usman Bello vanished. A hysterical Abacha family appealed to Nigeria’s police and government for help in catching him! “Nigeria’s State Security Service from from (SSS) established that the Sudanese might have salted away millions of dollars entrusted to him by the Abacha family and may also be privy to other financial transactions of the family overseas, especially in the Arab world” (Weekly Insight, July 19-25, 2000; p.1). Only in a coconut republic would thieves appeal to the police to apprehend a thief! Even then, part of the Abacha loot that was recovered, was quickly re-looted! About $709 million and another ₤144 million were recovered from the loot the Abachas and his henchmen stashed abroad. But the Senate Public Accounts Committee found only $6.8 million and ₤2.8 million of the recovered booty in the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) (The Post Express (July 10, 2000).

Coconut Elections

Tanzania

The losing candidate lambasted voters, not his own incompetence, for losing an election: “The candidate of the Tanzania Labour Party (TLP), Augustine Mrema, did well in 1995 with another party, NCCR-Mageuzi, and less well with TLP in 2000. This time, he blamed the voters for betraying him. Mrema, a former home affairs minister who contested the 1995 elections as leader of his own party, chastised the voters for not choosing him previously. "I wonder why you have not given me votes to become president despite my impressive record as home affairs minister," he told a rally in Dar es Salaam broadcast live on radio and television. "I worked as deputy prime minister, which means I was boss to Mkapa and Sumaye, still you chose not to elect me president. Why? Some voters are hypocrites. They proclaim to support you but vote for other people. If you do not vote for me this time, you will have to explain." (Southen African News, Dec 16, 2005) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

To return Nigeria to civilian rule, the late military dictator, Gen. Sani Abacha, allowed only 5 political parties to be registered in 1996 and participate in the forthcoming elections. They all promptly chose HIM as their presidential candidate!

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Rwanda: On August 25, 2003, Paul Kagame, leader of the Rwanda Patriotic Front (RPF), won 95.05 percent of the vote. His challenger, Faustin Twagiramungu, found his campaign stymied at every turn by government security forces. His rallies were canceled, his workers arrested and his brochures seized. On the eve of the voting, “police arrested 12 of Twagiramungu’s provincial organizers, saying they were preparing election day violence” (The Washington Times, Aug 28, 2003; p.A19). “In Twagiramungu’s home town, soldiers reportedly looked at ballot papers and ordered those who voted the wrong way to try again” (The Economist, Aug 30, 2003; p.32). Faustin Twagiramungu, won 3.62 percent and a third candidate, Jean Nepomuscene Nayinzira, had 1.33 percent (The New York Times, Aug 26, 2003; p.A6). In the 2010 elections Kagame won 93% of the vote and in the 2017 elections he won 99.98% of the vote! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethiopia: May 2015 election the opposition did not win a single parliamentary seat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Ghana’s 1996 presidential election, opposition candidate, Col. Erskine did not win a single vote in his own constituency. In other words, he did not would vote for himself and neither did his wife and four children. He was livid. When he complained bitterly on a radio program, the electoral commissioner tossed six votes his way. Marriage breaker election. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Egypt

In Egypt’s March 2018 elections all of those who expressed an interest to contest either disappeared or were thrown into jail. The main challenger was arrested and his campaign manager beaten up. The only candidate allowed to run was Mousa Mostafa Mousa. He was a strong supporter of the president. In fact, his own party previously endorsed the incumbent, Abdel Fattahh al-Sisi, who won 97% of the vote. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zimbabwe

In Zimbabwe’s July 2018 election bore all the hallmarks of the long-ruling ZANU-PF party’s usual machinations. Voters included more than 1,000 people about 100 years old and older; four were even born in the 1880s. Emmerson Mnangagwa (the incumbent) won 50.8% of votes to 44.3% for opposition leader Nelson Chamisa. He scraped through by the skin of his teeth to avoid a runoff! Yeah right! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congo DR The Mother of all Coconut elections took place in Congo DR on Dec 30, 2018 after being twice postponed. Vote in 3 opposition areas were postponed to March 2019. Rest of the country voted on Dec 30. The Electoral Commissioner declared Felix Tshisekedi, an opposition candidate, as the winner on Jan 15. There was widespread speculation that the incumbent, Joseph Kabila, had made a secret pact with Tshisekedi. The Catholic Church disagreed with the results, giving the nod to another opposition candidate, Martin Fayulu, who declared himself president. A nasty political crisis erupted which wend its way to the Constitutional Court. Awoken out of its slumber, the African Union with indecent haste ordered the Court to hold off and wait for its high level and high profile delegation to come to Kinshasa to resolve the crisis. And the Chairman of the AU seeking to resolve an election dispute? Prez PAUL KAGAME of Rwanda who in Aug 2017 tossed his political rival, Diane Rwigara, into jail and won 99.98% of vote in presidential election https://goo.gl/URjASb The Court told the AU to butt out and mind his own business. It went ahead and confirmed Tshisekedi as the winner. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coconut Security Forces Mauritania

State news: Mauritania's president mistakenly shot by his nation's troops

(CNN) -- Mauritanian President Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz, who came under fire from his own troops just hours before, took to his country's airwaves Sunday, saying the shooting incident was an accident. "I want to reassure all citizens of my well-being after the accident committed by an army unit on an unpaved road around Touela. ... Everything is fine," he said in an interview broadcast on official Mauritanian television. Troops shot the president late Saturday in what the government is calling a case of "friendly fire" -- though others believe it may have been an assassination attempt. Aziz's convoy mistakenly came under fire as it was heading back toward the capital of Nouakchott, the official AMI news agency reported. The gunshots came from a military unit stationed alongside the road in the west African country. http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/13/world/africa/mauritania-president-shot/index.html By Amir Ahmed, CNN, October 14, 2012 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

In Africa, most of the police are highway robbers and judges, crooks. Tell a police officer that you saw a minister stealing the people’s money and it is you he will arrest! Asked to investigate the brutal murders of Robert Ouko and British tourist, Julie Ward, Kenya police issued this report: “Foreign Minister Robert Ouko was presumed to have broken his own leg, shot himself in the head and set himself afire. Two years earlier, Kenyan officials suggested that a British tourist, Julie Ward, lopped off her own head and one of her legs before setting herself aflame” (The Washington Post, April 20, 2001; p. A19). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghana

The security forces can unleash the full force of their fury on unarmed civilians with batons, tear gas, water canons and rubber bullets. But how really brave are the security forces? On 16 December 1998, Corporal C. Darko and Constable K. A. Boateng at a Police Station in Accra, Ghana, were instructed to go and arrest Samuel Quartey, who was reported to police for being involved in a theft case. "When the suspect came out brandishing a cutlass (a machete), the police officers took to their heels with the speed of lightning that could have made an enviable record had they been timed" (The Mirror, 2 Jan 1999, 1). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soldiers on guard duties at the Ghana Broadcasting Corporation no longer guard an observation post behind the TV studios because of a ghost who slaps officers who go on duty there at night. In September, 1994, an officer on guard at that sentry came running to the head of security complaining of an invincible hand which had on two occasions pulled his helmet from his head and slapped him. The senior officer, unmoved by the soldier's story, decided to prove him wrong by manning the post himself. Within an hour, the senior officer fled to the office telling a similar tale, this time the ghost allegedly smacked him four times on the face (Ghana Drum, Feb 1995; p.33). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nigeria

On July 23, 1998, Colonel Anthony Obi, Osun State's military administrator, strutted pompously to deliver a speech at a state function at Osogbo in the southwestern part of Lagos, Nigeria. As the Daily Champion (24 July 1998) reported: "Panic stricken Nigerian officials ran for safety when first a rat and then a python, apparently drawn by the smell of the rat, made a sudden appearance. The officials leapt up from their seats when the rat, described as having a "long snout and offensive smell," appeared from beneath the carpet by the high table. Colonel Anthony Obi, Osun State's military administrator, and his entourage nervously returned after security agents intervened and killed the beast. (p.1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenya

Ambushed by bunch of rag-tag cattle rustlers, Kenya’s elite presidential guards quickly surrendered. Johann Wandetto, a reporter for the People Daily, a newspaper in Kitale, Rift Valley province, submitted a story in the March 6, 1999 edition with the title: “Militia men rout 8 crack unit officers: Shock as Moi’s men surrender meekly.” Wandetto was immediately arrested and sentenced to 18 months in prison on what the court described as an “alarmist report” (Index on Censorship, 3/2000; p.99). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congo DR

Nor can the security forces shoot straight. When civil war broke out in the DR Congo in 1997, Chad sent in troops to help the regime of Laurent Kabila stave off rebel attacks. What happened? “Congo rebels said 93 Chadian soldiers were killed in an ambush by Kabila government troops who mistook their identities. Chad, one of the nations allied with the Kabila regime, insisted the toll was lower” (The Wall Street Journal, Nov 12, 1998, A1). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sudan

And the mother of all security forces? When the African Union (AU) peacekeepers' base on the edge of Haskanita, a small town in southern Darfur, came under sustained rebel assault on Sept 29, 2007, they fled into the bush. “Ten were killed; at least 40 fled into the bush. The attackers looted the compound before Sudanese troops arrived to rescue the surviving peacekeepers” (The Economist, Oct 11, 2007; p.48) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hoisted by own petard

Ousted Mauritania leader in shock

The former president of the West African state of Mauritania has said he was stunned by the coup that ousted him from power. Army officers overthrew President Maaouiya Ould Sid Ahmed Taya in a bloodless revolt on Wednesday. Speaking for the first time since the coup, Mr Taya said he had been shocked to find out who was behind it. He was toppled by the former security chief and close colleague, Colonel Ely Ould Mohammed Vall. "My situation reminds me of the old adage: 'God, save me from my friends, I'll take care of my enemies'," President Taya told Radio France Internationale from Niger. "I was stunned by the coup d'etat [...] and even more so when I heard who were the authors," Mr Taya said. President Taya, who survived a number of coup attempts in his 21-year rule, was returning from the funeral of King Fahd in Saudi Arabia when the coup took place. Col Vall, 55, has been director of national security since 1987 and, after played a key role in the 1984 coup which brought Mr Taya to power. Critics accuse the government of using the US-led war on terror to crack down on his opponents. Mr Taya had also prompted widespread opposition by establishing links with Israel, making Mauritania one of only three Arab states to have done so. The following presidents were removed by members of their own security forces: Ben Ali of Tunisia in 2011, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt in 2011, Abdelaziz Bouteflika of Algeria in April 2019 and Omar al-Bashir of Sudan in April 2019. They never learn and keep spending more and more on security forces. In the end they are booted out by members of their own security forces. Guinea

GUINEA: PRESIDENT ESCAPES ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT Guinea's leader, Lansana Conté, survived an assassination attempt, his security minister said, after unidentified men in military uniforms fired on his convoy. Mr. Conté, 70, a diabetic chain-smoker who has no obvious successor and is rarely seen in public, later appeared on state television. Military officials said his bodyguards returned fire and foiled the attack. Security Minister Moussa Sampil said that an unspecified number of people had been detained. In his television address, Mr. Conté spoke of "external manipulations" against him but added, "Personally, I only fear my close aides, who pretend they are with me while they are not sincere." (Reuters, Jan 20, 2005). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hundreds of marauding soldiers fired guns in the air in the streets of Conakry and other towns around the country on Friday, further threatening the ability of Guinea's beleaguered president Lansana Conte to govern. Banks, schools, markets and shops all closed at around 11.30am as news spread that heavily armed soldiers were marching into town, after talks between senior military officials and soldiers at a military base near the airport collapsed. "We want the leaders who stole our wages and betrayed us to step down," one of the soldiers marching in central Conakry close to the presidential palace, told IRIN on Friday afternoon. In the morning IRIN also saw presidential guards, distinguished by their red berets, in the center of the city. They were shooting in the air in what appeared to be an attempt to scare off the mutinous soldiers, but the presidential guards were outnumbered and eventually FLED! UN Integrated Regional Information Networks NEWS 11 May 2007

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http://www.punchng.com/news/mubi-battle-300-nigerian-soldiers-flee-to-cameroon-again/

Boko Haram has seized control of a Nigerian town after hundreds of soldiers stationed there reportedly FLED across the border to Cameroon, a police source said. "Boko Haram fighters moved into Ashigashya" overnight on Monday, where they slaughtered three people in front of a church, a Cameroon police source told the AFP news agency on Tuesday on condition of anonymity. “Almost 500 Nigerian soldiers FLED the Nigerian border towns of Ashigashyia and Kerawa to take refuge from Boko Haram fighters on Cameroonian territory” (Al-Jazeera, Aug 26, 2014) www.aljazeera.com/news/africa/2014/08/boko-haram-seizes-town-after-soldiers-flee-2014826181311739107.html

Islamist extremist group Boko Haram seized control of a Nigerian town of Malam Fatori, near the Niger border, after soldiers FLED, an official told the AFP. . . The fighting killed dozens and wounded about 30 people in the a commercial hub known for fishing and farming, the Anfani radio station in Diffa reported. “The town of Malam Fatori was taken by Boko Haram after violent fighting with the Nigerian army overnight,” said the official in Diffa. According to the official, 315 Nigerian soldiers FLED over the border to Diffa. Thirteen who were wounded were treated in a Diffa hospital, while the others have been repatriated (Today, Nov 10, 2014) HTTP://WWW.TODAY.NG/NEWS/315-NIGERIAN-SOLDIERS-FLEE-TO-NIGER-AS-BOKO-HARAM-RAIDS-TAKES-CONTROL-OF-ANOTHER-TOWN-IN-BORNO/

“NO fewer than 480 Nigerian soldiers have FLED into Cameroon following fierce fighting with Boko Haram insurgents. The Cameroonian Army Spokesman, Lt Col Didier Badjek, who confirmed this, said the troops had already been disarmed. (Cameroon Daily, Jan 20, 2015).

HTTP://WWW.CAMEROONDAILY.NET/2014/08/480-NIGERIAN-SOLDIERS-FLEE-TO-CAMEROON.HTML

Mercifully there is the Coconut Cure

In Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, there is a place called "the magic corner," where all and sundry, including politicians, come to be relieved or cured of their problems. "Even those top leaders of the government come to that tree," said Shabuni Haruni, a private security guard. "Yes, during the election." Upon the payment of a small fee, a traditional healer ("witch doctor") would take a patient to a huge baobab tree, reputed to be the abode of ancestral spirits. Patients remove their shoes, kneel in front of the tree with their eyes closed. At one session described by The Washington Post correspondent, Karl Vick, "Rykia Selengia, a traditional healer, passed a coconut around and around the head of her kneeling client. The coconut went around the man's left arm, then the right, then each leg. When she handed the coconut to the client, Mussa Norris, he hurled it onto a stone. It shattered, releasing his problems to the winds." (The Washington Post, Nov 12, 2001; p. A21).

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scotianostra · 5 years

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Victoria Helen McCrae Duncan was born on November 25th 1897 in Callander.

Known as Helen Duncan, in 1944, she became last person in the UK to be tried, convicted and imprisoned under the 1735 Witchcraft Act.

Hellish Nell, as she became known, was actually a medium, and by all accounts not a very good one, the way she earned her living was to hold seances and charge plenty for her services, but she was rumbled several times as a fraud.

Nor was she the last person convicted under the 1753 Act – now repealed and replaced with the Fraudulent Mediums Act of 1951 – because in fact three other people were on trial alongside her and one of them was sent to prison, too. Yet somehow the “last witch” nickname has stuck, though records clearly show that some months after her trial and imprisonment in September 1944, one Jane York, 72, from Forest Gate, East London, was charged under the same act with seven counts of pretending to conjure up spirits of the dead. Incredibly, York was simply bound over for the sum of £5 to be of good behaviour for three years.

Ah, but that happened after D-Day, and there is no question when you examine the evidence that the authorities wanted to make an example of Helen Duncan and put her away for the summer of 1944.

From an early age her own family saw her as fey, and her mother was mortified when the child’s behaviour became impossible – she would predict doom and destruction for all sorts of people and was given to outbursts of hysteria.

Her early life was otherwise normal. She moved to Dundee and worked at the Royal Infirmary where she met Henry Edward Duncan, a wounded war veteran and a cabinet maker. They were married in 1916, and Duncan would eventually have six children by Henry who saw a great way of making money from his wife’s talents in clairvoyance – she read tea leaves and made predictions and earned a few shillings for doing so.

By 1926 she had become a fully-fledged medium giving seances during a time when spiritualism was all the rage. Moving to Edinburgh, her seances were soon the talk of the town – even the ghost of that local man turned Sherlock Holmes creator, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, a great believer in spiritualism, was said to have materialised at sittings.

A prominent feature of her seances was her apparent ability to produce “ectoplasm” from her mouth during her trances when she was transformed into her spirit partners Albert or Peggy, a young girl whose voices “spoke” through Duncan. She had grown quite obese and the contrast between this 20-stone woman and the childish voices was part of the reason why people believed in her.

It was at a seance in January 1933 that Peggy emerged in the seance room and a sitter named Esson Maule grabbed her. The lights were turned on and the spirit was revealed to be made of a cloth undervest which used as evidence that led to Duncan’s conviction on the Scottish offence of fraud at Edinburgh Sheriff Court in May 1933.

The conviction does not seem to have harmed her career. Duncan was by then making a good living by conducting seances throughout Britain at which “the spirits of the dead were alleged to have appeared, sometimes talking to and even touching their relatives”.

Duncan began to get more famous but also began to be more scrutinized. Director Harry Price of the National Laboratory of Psychical Research examined her. He deemed her ‘ectoplasms’ to be made of cheese and eggs which she would regurgitate up. Price was less than impressed by what he felt was a show woman, exploiting people for money.

“Could anything be more infantile than a group of grown-up men wasting time, money, and energy on the antics of a fat female crook.”

During World War Two, Duncan lived in Portsmouth, the home of the Royal Navy. In 1941, the spirit of a sailor reportedly appeared at one of her seancés announcing that he had just gone down on a vessel called the Barham. HMS 'Barham' was not officially declared lost until several months later, its sinking having been kept secret to mislead the enemy and protect morale.

Unsurprisingly, Duncan's activities attracted the attention of the authorities and on 19 January 1944, one of her séances was interrupted by a police raid during which she and three members of her audience were arrested.

Duncan was remanded in custody by Portsmouth magistrates. She was originally charged under section 4 of the Vagrancy Act (1824), under which most charges relating to fortune-telling, astrology and spiritualism were prosecuted by magistrates in the 20th century. This was considered a relatively petty charge and usually resulted in a fine if proved. She was eventually tried by jury at the Old Bailey for contravening section 4 of the Witchcraft Act of 1735, which carried the heavier potential penalty of a prison sentence.

In particular, the medium and her three sitters were accused of pretending 'to exercise or use human conjuration that through the agency of Helen Duncan spirits of deceased persons should appear to be present'. Duncan was also charged with offences under the Larceny Act for taking money 'by falsely pretending that she was in a position to bring about the appearances of the spirits of deceased persons'.

The trial caused a media sensation and was extensively covered in the newspapers, many of which revelled in printing cartoons of witches on broomsticks. At one stage, the defence announced that Duncan was prepared to demonstrate her abilities in the witness box. This amounted to conducting a séance in the court while in a state of trance and the offer was refused.

Duncan was found guilty as charged under the Witchcraft Act and sentenced to nine months in Holloway Prison, London, but she was cleared of the other offences. She was the last person in Britain to be jailed under the act, which was repealed in 1951 and replaced with the Fraudulent Mediums Act following a campaign by spiritualist and member of parliament Thomas Brooks.

There are two common misconceptions about Duncan's conviction. The first is that she was the last person in Britain to be convicted of being a witch. In fact, the Witchcraft Act was originally formulated to eradicate the belief in witches and its introduction meant that from 1735 onwards an individual could no longer be tried as a witch in England or Scotland. However, they could be fined or imprisoned for purporting to have the powers of a witch.

The second misconception is that she was the last person to be convicted under the Witchcraft Act. Again this is incorrect. Records show that the last person to be convicted under the Witchcraft Act was Jane Rebecca Yorke in late 1944. Due to her age (she was in her seventies) she received a comparatively lenient sentence and was fined.

Additionally, it has often been suggested that the reason for Duncan's imprisonment was the authorities' fear that details of the imminent D-Day landings might be revealed, and given the revelation about the Barham it is clear to see why the medium might be considered a potential risk. Nonetheless, then prime minister Winston Churchill wrote to the home secretary branding the charge 'obsolete tomfoolery'.

Helen Duncan was released from prison on the 22 September 1944 and seems to have avoided further trouble until November 1956, when the police raided a private séance in Nottingham on suspicion of fraudulent activity. No charges were brought and shortly afterwards, on 6 December in the same year, the woman who is sometimes remembered as the 'last witch' died.

A campaign by her descendents to clear her name continues to this day.

Find our more about this strange tale here https://www.prairieghosts.com/duncan.html

#Scotland #Scottish #spiritulism #fraud #witch

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