realizing a pattern ...

The paradox of the relationship between Takeru and Hikari

The issue of the relationship between Takeru and Hikari has been a question of interest since the series first aired, and especially after 02, which prominently depicted them constantly hanging out together and clearly having some kind of relation to each other...and yet, strangely, very rarely having a real heart-to-heart or even talking to each other much at all. The constant juxtapositions of them standing next to each other all of the time in both the series and in external media, combined with the fact they’re so associated with each other in terms of being Adventure returnees and with Digimon partners with similar evolutions, makes one almost mentally geared to associate them with each other, and yet we never really get to hear what they think about each other in the entirety of Adventure or 02′s running.

Part of this is because Takeru and Hikari are the two most “difficult to read” characters in the 02 team -- Hikari because she compulsively suppresses any selfish or negative feeling she has, and Takeru because he covers up his problems with a smile and pretends everything is okay, until it’s not. And, as it turns out, that “gap in communication” exists between the two of them as well; in the web of 02′s relationships, it’s a strange mix between being “comfortable around” each other, and yet not truly knowing each other...

Disclaimer before we continue: With some exceptions related to unambiguous canon depictions, I try to write my meta about relationships between characters in such a way that both shipping readings and non-shipping readings are possible in most cases, and my main reason for this is that I very strongly believe that even if you do ship the pair in question, it’s rather reductive (and not very fun) to stop an analysis at “anyway it’s because they’re in love” or something and not go any further. If you don’t care for Takeru/Hikari as a ship, I hope you can take this analysis as-is, and if you do happen to ship it, I hope you can take my analysis of the gaps in their relationship as “things they would have to consider and overcome for such a relationship to be possible” (i.e. a possible fanfic prompt?) and not me trying to dismiss the ship as inherently possible or impossible.

A second disclaimer: A lot of the important key points below are heavily dependent on how they were presented in the Japanese version of 02, especially in regards to the key 02 episode 13. The American English dub took a very large number of liberties with a lot of the below aspects, so if you are reading this with only that version as a reference, please be aware that there may be significant differences for the sake of avoiding confusion.

Hikari didn’t get to spend much of the series with the rest of the Adventure group, having been a “latecomer”, but once she enters, it’s rather interesting how much Takeru doesn’t socialize much with her. Granted, part of this was because of the circumstances -- there was a lot to be done, and Hikari had a cold relapse not long after they’d entered the Digital World -- but you’d really think Takeru would be interested in at least socializing with someone who’s actually his age, and yet we don’t get any real depiction of doing so outside of discussing important matters. It’s not to say that they never had any kind of conversation offscreen, but by the time we get to the end of Adventure, we have zero scope of what they actually think of each other.

By the time we get to 02, it turns out that this is probably by design.

First of all, we very quickly learn that the two of them did not keep up between Adventure and 02 -- they’re meeting each other again for the first time in a long time, and the last time they did meet was when they were much younger (probably their last meeting being the one depicted in the flashback in 02 episode 27). This is understandable considering that, up until the beginning of 02, Takeru lived in Sangenjaya and not Odaiba, meaning that it wasn’t like they’d have opportunities to meet up much in real life either, but the point is that this is how little contact and how little involvement they’d had in each other’s lives up until this point.

So, once the plot of 02 kicks off and the two of them become active as Chosen Children again, the two of them end up hanging out a lot. So much that Daisuke starts accusing them of having something between them. And the two of them never say anything to really firmly deny him, which of course only makes him more confused and upset, until 02 episode 17, when the concrete connection between them is established to the rest of the 02 team, and it’s properly disclosed that they were part of a whole adventure back in 1999 together.

Takeru knew Hikari before, and she’s still the one he knows the best out of this team, and on Hikari’s part, Takeru understands the nature of “being a Chosen Child” in ways the others don’t, and both of them had that formative experience that the others don’t understand. But 02 is a series that’s not only about relationships, but also about the differing nature of relationships -- it’s true that, having known each other well beforehand and also being all-around decent people, the two of them would certainly have an extra level of investment in each other’s welfare, but...

In 02 episode 13, we learn that as much as Takeru knows Hikari, he doesn’t really know her, and on Hikari’s part, she’s still incapable of communicating the extent of her thoughts so that he can.

The conversation between Takeru and Hikari behind the school in this episode is the first time we get to really see an opportunity for the two of them to bare their actual emotions, but nothing that can be called a "conversation" is had between them. Hikari is still plagued by a compulsive desire to not be a burden to others, including the idea of “burdening” her brother, and, when Takeru finally prompts her on what’s going on, she says nothing that properly clarifies what she’s going through, nothing but a cryptic mention of the “sea”, a statement that she "might be going away”, and a reference to her brother having always protected her beforehand. Takeru takes it as a sign that Hikari’s become overly dependent on Taichi, and snaps at her angrily -- a persistent symptom of him being unable to regulate his emotions properly -- and, unable to handle it, runs off awkwardly, leaving her alone to eventually be taken away. Later in the episode, Takeru reflects that he’d basically just doomed Hikari by his own actions, and with his last words to her having been something awful.

Ultimately, some degree of progress is made in that Hikari realizes that Takeru reaching out to her earlier makes him someone she should be reaching out to for help -- in the end, nobody in the 02 group had yet been able to reach out to her emotionally because of how closed-in she was, and the only people she truly trusted with her feelings up until that point were Taichi and Tailmon. So in other words, Takeru is another person she can finally “trust” with her feelings and welfare. But while Takeru is finally able to connect to her in some sense with this, when the two finally close off the episode and return to the real world, everything ends in complete silence. They do not say a single word to each other. They’re getting by with a sense of “inherent trust”, and their disconnect was resolved with that alone this time, but this problem hasn’t been fully solved yet and will be rearing its ugly head again by the time we get around to the Jogress arcs.

And so the two of them return back to their “comfortable with each other” status quo -- but, again, 02 is a series that portrays relationships in a very multi-layered and multifaceted form, and being comfortable around someone still doesn’t necessarily merit emotional closeness (for instance, Ken was pretty clearly indicated as being “comfortable” and straightforward in terms of working with Miyako in 02 episodes 25 and 33, but there’s no doubt that Daisuke’s the one who was more properly addressing the things he emotionally needed most at the time, which could arguably be said to be exactly why Ken was having a hard time adjusting to him at first). We see them “go off together” to do...completely mundane and practical things, like discussing why they’re still able to come to the Digital World in 02 episode 22, or trying to have their Digimon partners evolve on their own in 02 episode 24 -- they’re not having any kind of emotional heart-to-heart, they’re just there.

When you look at the wider picture, you can see that Hikari and Takeru’s relative comfort around each other at this point is largely because they’re still not comfortable being alone with anyone else yet. So far, they kind of had a bonding (not really bonding) session back in 02 episode 13, and they hadn’t had anything of the sort with anyone else, and they’re still the only people who understand certain things relevant to the adventure in 1999 that the others don’t. They’re both still ridiculously closed-in and guarded, and not trusting anyone with their feelings -- they can’t even trust each other with their feelings -- so they’re getting by on hanging out with each other because it’s either that or go off to be completely alone. As the two most “emotionally isolated” people in this group, there’s a wall between them and the others, and that wall is only slightly thinner between each other -- and you can even imagine that they’re willing to hang out with each other because they won’t be bothering that wall and causing intimidation.

And by the time we roll around to 02 episode 31, we learn that, this whole time, nothing has improved. Takeru sees that something is going on with Hikari, but does and says nothing -- perhaps because he’s not sure what to say, perhaps because he’s afraid of lashing out at her again, whatever it is -- but he can’t and won’t speak to her nor address her feelings.

In the end, the person who does establish that ability to “communicate” with Hikari is not Takeru but Miyako -- an aggressive, in-your-face, overly honest person who gets straight to the point and refuses to hold back, whose messy personality causes Hikari to become assertive in handling her and allows Hikari to finally vocalize one of her truly sensitive feelings, and who’s able to use her immense emotional sensitivity to identify what Hikari needs and break through to her.

But just because Miyako ended up being the person Hikari needs to move on past this issue does not mean Takeru’s role wasn’t important, nor that Miyako coming into Hikari’s life means that all of her relationships are inferior or pointless -- rather, a recurring element of 02′s portrayal of relationships is that everything has a ripple effect, and that “opening up” one person’s heart allows them to open up to others as well (see how Daisuke reaching out to Ken eventually helped him reach out to the others in the group, how even in this very same episode Miyako expresses that this experience helped her understand Ken better as well, how Daisuke’s experiences end up giving him a healthier relationship with the rest of the group, how Iori and Takeru’s Jogress ordeal helps them both become better at reaching out to Ken...). Unlike how they’d both closed off 02 episode 13, Hikari and Takeru end this one by talking -- with Hikari’s newfound confidence from her dealings with Miyako allowing her to more openly speak what she’s thinking with Takeru.

One thing you might notice is that after 02 episode 31, Takeru and Hikari are never seen going off on their own together for the rest of the series -- because, again, their “latching” onto hanging out with each other at the exclusion of anyone else was because they were that isolated from everyone else, but not anymore! Hikari starts to hang out more with Miyako as the two of them become more comfortable hanging out after the events of said episode; after all, Miyako had come to understand the real reason why Hikari “keeps so much inside” and that she needs to actively reach out to her, and Hikari is able to properly trust Miyako with her feelings, meaning that now that Hikari is starting to open up, she doesn’t need to fall back on her “truce” with Takeru to get by. Which ends up leaving Takeru rather alone for the following set of episodes. Well, seemingly alone, but...

...he’s not truly alone, because this is also where Iori realizes that there’s a lot more going on with Takeru and that he needs to make a proactive effort to understand him, and it doesn’t take long for Takeru to realize what Iori’s doing (especially when Yamato tips him off that Iori asked about him in 02 episode 35). Once again, very much unlike Hikari, Iori is straightforward and to-the-point, and is much better at cutting through all of the complicated layers Takeru puts up in an attempt to cover up his emotions.

The rest of the series has them in significantly more emotionally tense situations than before, and while the fact they end up spending the rest of the series with their respective Jogress partners instead of each other is partially sheer pragmatics, it’s also how the two of them start taking a more active role in actually checking on the others’ emotions and communicating with them in regards to their feelings. This is a huge deal -- compare this to back in 02 episode 13 when they were practically the only people willing to have this kind of serious, emotional conversation with each other -- and said attempt at a serious conversation exploded in their faces. (The other time one of them had made an attempt at something vaguely resembling a heart-to-heart during that time was 02 episode 11, which also resulted in Takeru blowing up explosively.) But here they’re capable of communicating clearly and openly and making their positions known in a way that gets through to their respective Jogress partners’ issues, without being stifled by anything.

But, again: just because they don’t “go off together” anymore doesn’t mean they stopped being important people to each other or comfortable around each other -- it’s just that now they’ve stopped wandering off together for the sake of blocking themselves away from others, and no longer trapped in this strange, paradoxical relationship of knowing-but-not-truly-knowing each other they had all the way back in 02 episode 13. The relationship they had back then was something built off of coping mechanisms, and not something you could truly say was healthy, not when their communication was stilted and Takeru had snapped at her so badly -- but both of them learning to open up more and be more honest with their feelings means that they may well have an actual healthy dynamic going forward.

And for all it’s worth, we learn that they’re still on very good terms by the time of Kizuna, getting breakfast together in the opening -- but it’s left ambiguous if their reason for doing so like this was because they still have a penchant for particularly hanging out together, or whether it was just circumstance because they were free to get breakfast after the Digimon incident (they act independently for the rest of the movie). Moreover, their relationships with the others in the 02 group are still going strong, because as per the drama CD, Takeru’s happy to hang out with Daisuke like it’s nothing and actively join in to reach out to Iori (it’s said Daisuke was approaching Iori “first” despite Takeru being there, so both of them were hanging out independently and decided to pick up Iori together), and Hikari comes in with Miyako, expressing a very firm intent to hang out with her for their trip, and ultimately it’s established that them not being with the rest of the group at the time of the movie was sheer scheduling circumstance and not necessarily them going out of their way to operate away from them.

So in other words, whatever relation you can say they have at this point, or their ability to get along, is not based on them falling back on each other as an unhealthy coping mechanism of silence, but one carried out in a more genuine manner.

Hello! How do you feel about c!Dream?

boyfriend material

okay but no much as i wanted to answer this with a joke, i Will give a serious response cos i feel it's worth it in this situation

this became unintentionally long so it's going under a cut

basically ... i think he's a great example of the brand of 'villain' who starts with ostensibly positive ideals but whose morality becomes secondary to achieving his desired goals. my impression is that c!dream's modus operandi is strategic pragmaticism - the ends justify the means. this can mean cutting attachments (so he claims, anyway) and hurting the people around him if he feels it will further his cause. think ozymandias from watchmen - he causes untold destruction in order to save the world from a greater threat (according to his own perception, of course). i personally disagree with the assessment that c!dream is chaotic evil for that reason, because i think there's a greater deal of methodology to his choices that just causing wanton havoc

suffice to say he's done a lot of shitty things, up to and including what happened during exile & the imprisonment arc - i'm not gonna sit here and pretend that c!tommy's treatment was merited or that c!dream was provoked into committing xyz violent/manipulative/abusive actions, etc etc, or whatever the usual accusations are. he's certainly not some disenfranchised victim who doesn't deserve repercussions for his actions, nor do i believe the state of the prison is entirely out of his hands, as though c!sam is the only one responsible for its atrocious facilities (though c!sam's choice to uphold those policies is another can of worms, but we're not discussing him right now lmao)

however, no one deserves torture. what c!dream has suffered at the hands of c!quackity isn't an acceptable punishment for exile or any of his other crimes, nor should it be portrayed as anything more than c!q following the exact same tenets that got c!dream into this position - cruel behaviour as a means to an end (in this case, acquiring the revival book). to clarify, i am not saying the specific actions are equitable, but they can easily be framed through the same narrative lens. i believe that there are several other characters whose actions strike me as deliberate parallels to things c!dream has done, and i think this is something worth analysing when considering the grey morality of people like c!q and c!wilbur in particular

(that's also a topic for another day)

i want to see c!dream out of the prison for several reasons, though the predominant one is that he's stagnant in there - both plot-wise and in regard to character development. we've gone 3/4 of a year with one of the primary antagonists locked up, which is a massive chunk of the story when you consider how long the dsmp has been running. him getting out would be INTERESTING, namely because it would a) generate conflict, and/or b) allow his character to potentially change in some way. despite certain claims that i've seen, the prison is not a place where anyone could really experience any positive growth, namely due to the isolation, awful conditions, and the cheeky bonus of daily torture. if c!dream is going to experience any sort of meaningful, long-term development, i don't think it could happen within the vault

so do i think he's set up for a redemption arc? certainly not now, for the aforementioned reasons. the narrative would need to express some of that forward momentum in order for the concept of redemption (or, perhaps more accurately, healing) to be believable. i've spoken before about how his lack of pov makes sympathising with him difficult, especially because we have no insight into his thought processes and how they have or haven't changed during his incarceration. the upcoming lore might change some of that, but barring that variable, it's difficult to say what awaits c!dream once he's out of prison. i don't think there will be any circumstance that repairs his relationship with the people he's hurt, nor will they have to forgive him (see my old essay on bojack for more on that sentiment), but that isn't to say there isn't room for him to at least turn away from a path that would lead him to continue hurting others. i don't believe revenge would be the goal - it doesn't fit the 'ends justify the means' mindset - so i feel as though he might just need to ... remove himself for a while. i don't know if that would mean rooming with the syndicate, on his own, or with someone else, but i do believe he would need some sort of positive social element to drive him in a healing direction - IF he wants that

part of not knowing how he feels is that uncertainty of whether or not he thinks he's done anything wrong, because acknowledgement of the pain he's caused would be a necessary step on the way to healing. accountability is integral. in sam's recent lore stream, c!dream waveringly states that he doesn't think he's a bad guy - and of course he doesn't, because the machiavellian sorts rarely do. but there's no way he's ignorant to what he's done, so it might just be a matter of coming to terms with the actual moral implications of those actions. acceptance is the first step, and often the most difficult one. again, the lore might help fill in some of those blanks regarding whether or not this is even on his radar - only time will tell on that one

tl;dr: i think he's an incredible character and an extremely nuanced antagonist. he's been wasted by being in the prison for so long, and i look forward to seeing what will happen with his arc once he's free

The Best of Me - for ILY Anniversary 2021

This is inspired by the song by The Starting Line.  I was listening to my #TeenYears playlist (yes, that’s the title I picked, sue me), and I noticed the album cover featured the words, “Say it like you mean it.”  Um, hello TFP vibes!  And then I started the song over, paying attention to the lyrics, and BOOM!  A fic was born!  Starts out with a bit of post-TRF pining, leading up to a TFP finish. And it’s a long one, so catch the whole story below the cut.

Happy Sherlolliversary, everyone!  😘

*

Here we lay again, on two separate beds

Riding phone lines to meet a familiar voice

And pictures drawn from memory.

*

It started after the fall… some months later, in the midst of yet another doomed-to-fail relationship with some other not-him bloke.  Molly didn’t know why she seemed to measure time both by her own failed relationships, and by his major life events, but there you go.  After a ten-hour shift, a disappointing date, and an extra glass of wine, she was more than ready to pack it in for the night.

She’d only just hit the mattress when her phone buzzed, and she whimpered in dismay, assuming it would be Mike needing her for a last-minute post-mortem.  She considered ignoring it and claiming she’d been asleep, when a second text sounded. With a sigh, she rolled onto her side and unlocked her phone.  It wasn’t Mike after all, but two messages from a blocked number.  Again, she thought about ignoring them, not keen on starting a conversation with a stranger, when a third text came through, and she began to wonder… Sitting upright, she tapped on the notification and opened her messages, her heart leaping to her throat as she read:

IN A SAFE HOUSE IN SARAJEVO.  

COULD DO WITH A FRIENDLY VOICE.

MOLLY?

It had to be him… it just had to be!  No one else she knew had any need for a “safe house.” And besides that, no one else would have been so cryptic, so confusing.  Sherlock Holmes never talked about his feelings, in fact, half the time he pretended not to have any.  This was bordering on soul-baring for him!  Why?  Why now?  Why her?  Well, she supposed it the fact that the rest of his friends thought he was dead might have something to do with it.  Even so, what had happened to make him seek her out like this?

A fourth text came through, interrupting her thoughts.

MAY I CALL YOU?

Sherlock Holmes, asking for permission?  Now she’d well and truly seen everything!  Anxious and delighted and terrified all at once, she quickly tapped out a reply in the affirmative, and waited.  It couldn’t have been more than ten seconds before her phone lit up with the incoming call.  In her haste to answer it, she dropped the silly thing on the floor, swearing loudly as she flopped onto her stomach to reach for it.  And, of course, to her embarrassment, the line was connected, meaning he heard it all.  Molly pressed the phone to her ear and whispered, “Sherlock?”

A loud exhale, and then a familiar voice, “Hello, Molly.”

She let out a watery laugh.  “Oh, my God, it’s you!  How are you? Oh, God, stupid question—”

“Molly, it’s fine,” he cut her off.  “I am… as well as can be expected.”

Her brow creased with worry.  “Are you okay?  I mean, is it… going well?”

A beat of silence.  “As well as can be expected,” he repeated.

Clearly, she was not going to get a wealth of information from him on that front.  Not that she was certain she wanted all the gory details—knowing who he was dealing with, “gory” would most definitely be the right word.  Still, he had instigated this phone call, she wouldn’t let him get away with perfunctory answers.  Shifting a bit so that she was leaning against the headboard, she asked, “What made you decide to phone me?”

“You weren’t answering your texts.  Figured you had gone into shock.”

She chewed on her lip a moment.  “Well… you’re not wrong.  It did surprise me.”

“Yeeeesss, I’d gathered that,” he drawled in that posh, pompous tone of voice she never thought she would come to miss.

“Truth be told, it wasn’t just the fact that you texted that came as a surprise, it’s what was in the text.”  She paused here, waiting to see how he would respond.  When he said nothing, she went on, “I suppose even the great Sherlock Holmes needs to phone a friend once in a while.”

“Don’t do that,” he said abruptly.  “I’m not ‘the great Sherlock Holmes’ now, am I?  I’m just…” he hesitated for a moment, “…just Sherlock.”

Molly’s breath came out in a whoosh.  So that was why.  Just like she had before, when he looked sad, she saw him clear as day… even if she couldn’t physically see him.  This mission, this seemingly insurmountable task, she couldn’t even imagine how difficult it must be.  It had to be taxing, even for Sherlock, who always seemed so detached from the situations. But deep down, he was still a man, he still felt things, and he still needed friends.

“Molly?”

His tone was soft, but filled with anxiety, and she realized she’d been silent for some time.  She put on a smile, making sure he would hear it in her voice, and whispered, “I’m here, Sherlock.  What do you need?”

A quiet laugh sounded on the other end of the line, followed by a one-word answer: “You.”

*

*

We turn our music down, and we whisper,

“Say what you're thinking right now.”

Tell me what you thought about

When you were gone and so alone.

Sherlock’s phone calls became something of a regular thing after that. Whenever he felt a little too human, or when he didn’t feel human enough.  Molly was happy to act as his anchor to his old life, to keep him afloat when he could easily drown in the work, the pain, the loneliness.  Even when being his anchor often meant being woken up in the middle of the night.

She never asked him to explicitly talk about his thoughts and feelings, knowing what a minefield that conversation would be, but she always asked what he was doing, usually regarding his mission. That was familiar territory for him, talking over the details of a case, discussing the possibilities and bouncing ideas off another person.  It was this familiarity, she thought, that most soothed him, reminded him of home.

These calls varied in frequency and length over the years, but they always came.  Through the horrors he faced in dismantling Moriarty’s network, through her engagement to Tom, through his four-minute exile (ooh, she’d had some choice words for him about that), and though Mary’s tragic death.

He called her almost daily after that.  She wasn’t entirely sure he really wanted to hear her voice, or if, while John was being a git and ostracizing him, any friendly voice would do. She decided not to care, and to just be there for him anyway.

One call in particular stood out to her, the night of his birthday. They’d gone for cake earlier in the day, and he’d been pleasant enough, but awfully silent.  John had seemed almost back to his normal self, and Rosie was an adorable bundle of energy, effectively distracting all three adults from their own loneliness.

That night, she returned with Sherlock to Baker Street, for the “night shift.”  After a few minutes spent scrolling silently through his emails, he announced he was going to bed.  Molly waited a bit before shuffling up the stairs into John’s old room, which had been converted into a guest-room-slash-laboratory.  The door was left open in case Sherlock started puttering about in the middle of the night, she would hear him and be down to help him, if needed.

Molly had just settled onto the bed when her phone rang, and Sherlock’s name appeared.

What?

“Sherlock?” she answered hesitantly.

“I realize you’re just upstairs, and I could easily have gone up there or had you come down here, but this seemed a bit more…”

A little smile tugged at her lips.  “Familiar?”

He exhaled slowly.  “Yes.”

“It’s okay,” she assured him.  “I don’t mind.”

“Thank you, Molly.  For everything.”

*

*

Jumping to conclusions

Made me fall away from you;

I'm so glad that the truth

Has brought back together me and you.

“What is she doing?”

“She’s making tea.”

“Yes, but why isn’t she answering her phone?”

“You never answer your phone.”

“Yes, but it’s me calling…”

*

“If it’s true, just say it anyway.”

“You bastard.”

“Say it anyway.”

“You say it.  Go on, you say it first… Say it.  Say it like you mean it.”

“I-I… I love you.”

*

Molly dropped her phone as the line went dead, then slid to the floor as sobs wracked her entire body.  She didn’t… she couldn’t begin to think… why had he asked that of her? After all the years he’d known her, all the time he’d been calling her out of the blue… She’d never once asked him to…

Her stomach lurched, and she scrambled up to her feet just in time to vomit into the sink.  Her body felt hot and cold and shivery and aching all at once.  Funny, the scientist in her thought, how a broken heart can have noticeable physiological effects on a person. She was in fact ill, bit of a cold, but it was that horrible conversation, not a silly little virus, that had made her stomach decide to violently expel its contents.

That wasn’t the worst of it, though.  No, the worst part was finding an old letter Sherlock had written, sometime during his absence from London, near the end.  She remembered getting it in the post, and quickly shoving it into a safe, secret place, where Tom wouldn’t find it.  He was at her flat no more than five minutes later, picking her up for a date. He proposed to her that night, and she completely forgot about the letter… until today.  She’d found it while rooting around her cupboards, looking for her favorite citrus tea, the one she always made whenever she felt ill. Its contents had nearly shocked her cold right out of her system.

Dear Molly,

I don’t know if this letter will reach you. There are so many unknowns at the moment.  I don’t even fully know why I’m writing.  I simply wished to express my gratitude for everything you have done for me.  I know that I have caused you pain many times, and in all probability, I will do so again.  And yet, after seeing the absolute worst of me, you are still my friend.  That fact baffles me more than any other mystery I have encountered.

When I return, yours is among the first faces I look forward to seeing again.  I wish I could offer an estimated time frame, but that is one of the many unknowns I now face.  But the one thing that I know is certain, the one thing I can cling to, is that you are, and always will be, a dear friend.  You matter more to me than you realize, Molly Hooper.

Love,

Sherlock

Tears had welled in her eyes, and anger pulsed in her veins, boiling her blood with every word.  Anger toward him, for writing such a letter, instead of calling her.  It was cowardly, no matter how lovely the letter was (dear God, was it lovely!), and when he returned just a few months later, he said nothing.  He gave no indication that he even remembered the letter, or the fact that he’d written it!  Why?

Because you were engaged, a traitorous voice whispered. And then her anger shifted, now aimed toward herself.

If she had read the letter before Tom proposed that night… she would have said no.

And then she was angry with him again, for not fighting for her, not saying what was clearly visible between every word on every line of that damned letter.

He loved her.

Or so she had thought.

After that phone call… she couldn’t be sure of anything.  If he really loved her, how could he do this to her?  Forget making her say the words, as impossible as that felt, how could he treat it all like an experiment? Treat her like an experiment?  Her anger and her desperation battled through the entire conversation, with anger eventually winning out, though it expressed itself with an eerie calmness.

You say it first.

Well, he had.  But only because she’d told him to.

God knew he’d never have said it otherwise.

Molly trudged into the bathroom and brushed her teeth, washing away the sour taste in her mouth.  She never had finished making her tea, but she was too exhausted to even contemplate remaining upright for another minute longer than necessary.  Instead, she went straight into her bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, falling quickly into a fitful sleep.

*

The knock on her door startled her awake, and somehow she knew exactly who it was, even before his voice followed the pounding, begging her to let him in.  She scowled in the direction of her door, rolled onto her other side, and smashed her pillow over her ear.  Eventually, one of her neighbors would complain, maybe even call the police. That, or he’d pick the lock… and if he did, she’d call the police.  Probably Greg, oooh, he’d love that!  There wouldn’t be any real consequences—big brother Mycroft had far too much pull for that—but it would be humiliating for Sherlock.  Served him right, after he humiliated her.

The pounding and the shouting stopped suddenly, and she foolishly let herself believe he’d finally gone.  But a moment later, her phone chimed with an incoming text.  Then another, and then another after that.  Equal parts annoyed and curious, Molly finally sat up and grabbed her phone to read the idiot’s texts.

PLEASE LET ME IN.  LET ME SAY IT AGAIN.

I DON’T WANT TO DO IT OVER TEXT.  YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

PLEASE, MOLLY.

Unless…

Molly’s head spun by the end of the third text.  Say it again?  Did he mean…?  Oh, of course he meant that, what else could he be talking about?  But why the hell did he need to say it again?  Wasn’t once—well, twice—enough torture for one night?

A fourth text lit up her phone.

IF YOU WON’T LET ME IN, WILL YOU AT LEAST LET ME CALL YOU?

She almost laughed.  Answering his call was what got her into this mess, wasn’t it?  And yet, against her better judgment, that cursed curiosity forced her to type out a reply.

OK.

*

Sherlock sighed at the response, his hand shaking as he pressed the phone to his ear, listening to the dial tone.  He ran through a thousand opening sentences in his head in the time it took for her to answer the call, and the moment he heard her voice, forgot every single one of them.

“What do you want, Sherlock?”

Her voice was raw, probably from crying, and oh, how he hated himself for doing that to her.  But broken as it was, her voice was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.

“You,” he replied, his own voice matching hers.  “Always you.”

She sobbed, and the sound went straight to his heart, piercing it, shattering it.  “Then why—” she was interrupted by another sob, “—how could you—”

“I’ll tell you everything,” he said quickly.  “Everything you need to know, but not like this.  For now, I just need to say one thing.”  Sherlock drew in a breath, bracing himself.  “I love you, Molly.  I’ve loved you all along, before I even realized it.  I don’t know if… there was a letter I sent, but it must have gotten lost… I should have said it when I came back, but when I saw that ring on your finger…”  He swallowed. “I thought I’d lost my chance, that you weren’t in love with me anymore, that—”

The door opened, and there she stood, still wearing that ridiculous jumper, eyes filled with tears, and holding a piece of paper in her hand.  The letter.  His hand dropped to his side, phone still in hand, staring in wonder and confusion.

“I hadn’t read it,” she explained in a small voice.  “Not until today.  That’s… part of why it wasn’t a good day.  I’d gotten it the day Tom proposed.  Right before he picked me up.  I panicked and shoved it in the cupboard where he wouldn’t find it.  He never touched the cupboards, always left it to me to cook or make tea or… anyway,” she finished lamely.

“You didn’t read it?”

Molly shook her head, gnawing on her lower lip.  “I wish I had.  I wouldn’t have gotten engaged.”

“I am so sorry, Molly.”  His eyes fell shut against the pricking of even more tears.  “I should have told you every day, with every phone call…”

“I’m sorry, too,” she said, prompting him to open his eyes.  “I’m sorry for letting my anger get the better of me.”

He gave her a tentative smile.  “Understandable, considering the circumstances.  I tend to bring out the worst in everybody.”  To his delight, she laughed, and his heart lightened at the sound. In a more serious voice, he added, “You, however, bring out the best in everyone… including me.”

Molly went still, and Sherlock worried he’d somehow hurt her again, until she suddenly sprang at him and wrapped her arms around his middle, pressing her face against his chest.  Warmth erupted along his skin where she touched him, and his arms found his way around her, clinging to her, locking her against him.  He rested his chin atop her head, eyes squeezed shut to fight back the now-constant threat of tears.  Good Lord, he was a sop now…

Well.  If it meant Molly would continue hugging him like this, he’d be whatever she wanted him to be.

“You smell like algae,” she commented, her voice muffled against his shirt.

He must have been in shock, or otherwise delirious, for at her words, he burst out laughing.  Fortunately, Molly joined him, leaning back her head and grinning wildly.  “I suppose there’s a story that goes with that?”

“Quite a long one,” he nodded.  “And not a very pleasant one.”

Molly seemed to consider this, then gave a slight hitch of her shoulders.  “Later,” she said.  “I think a bath and a good night’s sleep are in order.”  She took his hand and led him inside, and Sherlock followed, happily leaving the worst behind them.  There was still much to say—so many words unsaid, his mind quoted at him—but for now… he just wanted to be with her.

Finally.

*

*

The worst is over,

You can have the best of me.

God, that took forever… I’ll be honest, this is still open to editing and rewriting.  There are a lot of things I want to add to it.  Hell, maybe I’ll even add a second chapter.  I don’t know.  But this song, OMG!!  Go look it up, listen to the rest of the lyrics.  ALL THE SHERLOLLY FEELS!!  Thanks for reading!

Last week Jensen was on Rosenbaum’s podcast, this week it’s Jared’s turn. Just like with Jensen’s I recommend checking Jared’s out it is for free on youtube, I will be linking to it at the end of this post, and I also recommend checking out his first appearance on Rosenbaum’s podcast. 

While Jensen’s appearance was recorded in the beginnings of the boys Vancouver quarantine, Jared’s was recorded a little more recently after the boys had resumed production and when they were starting on the final episode nonetheless if you are looking for information regarding Supernatural and/or the final epis you will not find them here, Jared actually didn’t talk much about the show. He did however open up about some topics including his arrest. 

Of course, they are two different people whose interviews were done at different moments in time and who got asked different questions but this had a very different feel from Jensen’s; while Jensen’s felt more interview like, this felt very much like a conversation between two friends who’ve known each other for years....the majority of the time. 

Here’s the thing, and some of y’all are not gonna like me for this....while the conversation had its deep moments and Jared opened up about some personal stuff it felt to me like a more open version of how he is in conventions. Which is not a bad thing! But it’s not like last time where he was, imo, a version of himself that only those in his circle might get to hear. There was some fuckery people, okay? There was some fuckery and we will be talking about it.

I am going to put a disclaimer here, just in case, that this post is not going to be G*nevieve friendly. Or friendly towards her and Jared’s “marriage”. 

Before we get into what Jared said and talked about, I do want to take a minute to acknowledge and say condolences to Rosenbaum and his family, one of his sisters recently passed away after being sick pretty much her whole life. 

I also wanna say real quickly that something that I really like, and I would say even respect, about Rosenbaum is how open he is about things and listening to the intro of this “episode” made me realize why it is that he gets his guests to open up so often; I think it’s because he himself is open about his struggles and his issues and he is free of judgement so if you confess to something stupid he’s not gonna judge you for it, he’s also willing to cut things out if his guests ask him too so his guests know they can talk to him and he will understand and not judge them and will respect their privacy and cut something out if they ask it of him so they can talk freely. 

Okay, after all that let’s get into what Jared said and talked about in the podcast. FYI, much like in the Jensen post, from here forth Rosenbaum will be referred to as MR for convenience. 

- The conversation starts on what I considered to be a funny note with Jared talking about his infrared sauna blanket which he travels with that is such a weird item to travel with I can’t with the white richness of it all but hey we all got our quirks 😂

- After that the conversation turns pretty serious and deep, he talked about Sadie and having to make the decision to put her to sleep. He was tearing up talking about it, and I’m not gonna lie I myself was crying - hell I’m tearing up as I’m writing this not just because I can’t handle seeing this man cry but because I know what he’s talking about, I know that pain, I know what he meant by Sadie looking at him like it was time for her to go, I know what it’s like to be in that room with a beloved pet as they’re taking their last breath...I have had to put two of my cats to sleep in the past and it’s the most difficult and heartbreaking decision one sometimes has to make as a pet owner. 😔

- Something I like about when MR and Jared talk to each other is that they have very similar personalities in some ways and they’re good friends so when they’re talking it very quickly turns into two friends talking to one another which means the conversation is all over the place. In a good way. They got into a conversation about living in the moment and how social media and cell phones can affect that; I, personally, found it fascinating. I love hearing them discuss their different POV’s about these types of topics. 

- And here’s where we get to the fake. I’m writing this post at an extremely late hour but I’m determined to get it up before I go to bed and I really wanna go to bed, so I’m gonna try to get through this as fast as possible so strap in cause there’s a lot of bullshit to quickly wade through in this section. 

Jared starts praising the fuck out of G like this man was going for it, he was really pilling it on nice and thick. So, there I am watching this with my eyes about to roll right out of my skull wondering what was up with all the fuckery cause there’s being civil and a gentleman and then there was this when a light bulb goes off above my head 💡: When this was filmed, he already knew she had been cast to play his wife on Walker, he probably figured out that by the time this aired either the news would have already been out or would be announced soon so he’s hyping her up in the only way he knows how which works anyways cause the character she’s playing is his wife and her likability is in part going to rely on people overlooking her bad acting and the nepotism to focus on her being married to Jared in real life cause people love when irl couples work together even more when they’re playing a couple. From what I’ve seen it makes people less likely to call out a lack of chemistry cause then they feel like they’re insulting the couple.

He hypes her up using the same script he and Jensen have used in the convention circuit for years when it comes to praising the wives complete with classics such as ‘i’m never home so i never knew she did so much’ and ‘i ask her what i can do and she tells me to take out the garbage’. Nothing new is added to the script, he doesn’t go into details about what makes her amazing or about “all she does” he just pretty much says over and over that she’s incredible and does so much, if he meant it and she really does “so much” why not go into detail? It’d be so easy of him to say something like ‘oh, she’s always making us healthy meals and trying out new recipes’ which can be backed up by her insta because during quarantine she did a bunch of insta stories about cooking and checking out recipe books like goddamn Jared if you’re gonna lay it thick at least put in the effort even I could hype her up better and I don’t even like her. 

It all comes off as very insincere, have y’all ever seen somebody talk about the person they love? You can tell in their voice, in their eyes, some even get a fond little smile. It’s actually quite cute to watch but there’s none of that here, even when he mentions G giving birth there’s no emotion there’s no sincerity, it’s like he’s saying all the right things but he doesn’t believe them. It reminds me off- have you ever had someone, maybe it’s a friend or a romantic partner or whatever just someone who you’re introducing to somebody else or a group of people and you really need them to like this person you’re introducing so you start to sell them meaning you just start singing their praises to an over the top extend as if you were a car dealer trying to boost up their merch? Yeah, it’s like that. 

I don’t believe for one second that she volunteered to go with him to Van so he wouldn’t be alone like Jared go to somebody else with that story 🙄

I did have to laugh at some parts cause he was laying it on thick as if I didn’t remember and know that he looked miserable in almost all the pics G posted of him from quarantine right from the beginning, and being all ‘she doesn’t have any time for herself’ well clearly she found some time cause she does her little yoga collabs, she’s had her little photo shoots, she’s done a bunch of sponsored ads, she did her clothing collab with Kohl’s, she started a book club clearly she has the fucking time to do things for herself and pursue hobbies. He also said with three kids he didn’t have time for himself which I found funny because I don’t know if y’all remember this but early on in the quarantine Jared and G did a livestream and in it he mentioned several times that he was using his time for phone calls and even way too seriously said he was handling cabin fever by hiding and letting G handle the kids so....

It’s also an interesting contrast between what Jensen said in his podcast appearance because while Jared tried to make it sound as if G had no time for herself and like that’d be impossible with three kids, Jensen pretty much said the opposite, he said that he and D would sometimes take the kids and entertain them so the other one could have some space to do their own thing, and even gave an example of settling the kids with a movie so the parents can have their own space at the same time. 

- Moving on from that fuckery, the rest of the conversation was very deep and interesting. He talked about going to therapy and once again mentions being afraid of fucking up his kids, but adds that he’s come to realize that no matter what he does he’s gonna fuck up his kids anyways cause that’s what every parent does even if they’re amazing. This is a statement that I very much agree with it doesn’t matter how amazing a parent is they’re gonna make mistakes and fuck you up. 

He talked about his anxiety and his depression and how he doesn’t like to say he suffers from it because it makes him sound like a victim he prefers to say he deals with anxiety. 

This is gonna sound so weird but I loved something Jared said about death, MR talked about his anxiety and he said that his psychologist told him anxiety is always in the backseat and a. that is so true I think pretty much anybody who suffers from anxiety can tell you that it’s always there but b. Jared mentioned that he head somebody talk about death the same way, that death is always in the passenger seat but they become a friend. I know for some this might sound concerning or macabre but personally I think this is the best way to think about death not as something to hate but as a friend who is always besides you and that doesn’t mean you’re in any rush to welcome its embrace but it does mean you don’t fear it. 

He said that now a days if he wakes up and doesn’t feel anxiety he’s like ‘what’s wrong?’ which honestly relatable af

And I am paraphrasing btw, this is the cliffnotes version of a very deep in-depth part of the conversation between him and MR starting when they’re talking about therapy the whole thing is very interesting I’m not doing it justice. 

- Towards the end of the podcast Jared opened up about his arrest. He said he has no real recollection of what happened, he doesn’t know if maybe he was drugged or just got black out drunk but he doesn’t remember the fight he just remembers up to the point of going to his friends bar. He has seen the security tapes of that night, saying he didn’t recognize himself due to the way he was acting. He thinks perhaps because he has been jumped before that maybe he acted on instinct to fight back. It is not something he is proud of and he doesn’t make excuses, he knows he fucked up. He also says he has not drank since then. 

I am very proud of him for opening up about this, and for either quitting or limiting his alcohol consumption - quite honestly I’m not sure if he has full on stopped drinking or if he is just limiting himself to only once in a blue moon cause I do know people, hell I am one of these people, I don’t drink 99% of the time but if it’s a special occasion or I’m just chilling with someone I know and they’re having a drink I might have one or a sip or two so technically I don’t drink so I don’t know if maybe that’s what he’s decided to do or if he’s quit alcohol forever, either way I’m very proud of him. I’m proud of him for opening up about this and for talking about his mental health and therapy.

With the exception of some fuckery he really did open up about some things and I highly recommend giving it a listen/watch because when it’s the real him talking it’s a very insightful conversation.

Inside of you | Jared Padalecki

thoughts? kjfhlkjdfh asking bc i rb'd the original post from u a bit ago because i agreed w/ original poster but i just saw this rb of it and wanted to know what u thought. ciaran(.)tumblr(.)com /post/652413157345820673/there-is-a-genre-of-posts-thats-obsessed-with-the

well first of all i hope this isn't a bait ask. this reply really doesn't deserve the time and effort i put into refuting it, but there was a point in time when i was emotionally confused by these..."arguments", so whoever u are, anon, i hope this is helpful. i also recommend some distance - literally, "go outside and touch grass", which is a lot more difficult than it sounds, but it needs to be done. anyway, here's my "analysis":

for context, here's what the post in question said:

and the tags:

at a high level, we can see that what ciaran is saying doesn't really respond to what OP was talking about. for this reason, i'm not going to bring in much of what OP said, because it's uncontested in this context, and look at ciaran's reply. i'll try to break this up...

EDIT: i had a long-ass response here, but then i realized it was dumb because the source material is dumb. i cut out most of it, but here are the highlights.

"there is a genre of posts that’s obsessed with the notion that fandom is something much larger, more prevalent, and more able to affect the way media is processed and consumed, than it actually is in reality."

so, as we can all see on tiktok and, indeed, on the electronic lore olympus billboard that takes up a side of a literal skyscraper, fandom is no longer the niche thing that "fandom olds" make it out to be. also, we can't ignore how many (white) fandom players go on and work in the industry (cassandra clare, whoever wrote 50 shades, man idk much of anything so there's probably many more). so this comment is sort of myopic. and since this is what characterizes the rest of the reply, well...it's not great.

also don't look up lore olympus; it's basically a dd/////lg fanfic that happens to be one of the most popular series on the line webtoon app, which is rated for teens...and for $1 to the creator's patreon, you can view not sfw p*dophilic art, so. also obviously i didnt do that; there was a video essay about this. i can't find it though

"ironically but understandably, these posts are made by people who are so terminally fandom-poisoned that they ascribe phenomenal power to it, and think of it as some great evil that must be defeated (by making posts on tumblr, which is obviously a very influential thing to do)"

"fandom-poisoned" is such a nebulous term, especially since it appears to mean "has had some really significant, (in this context) bad experiences with fandom." this is, first of all, a huge assumption to make about a stranger, and second, not the own they think it is. i'm just going to link this post, and hopefully you can see how it relates.

anyway, the "making posts on tumblr is meaningless" is um...interesting, seeing as off the top of my head i can think of two very influential tumblr blogs that talk about really important issues, Gradient Lair and Red Light Politics. I don't know as much about Red Light Politics, but Gradient Lair is frequently cited by academics (not getting into academia nonsense now but... -_-). also, they sound more pissed that the original post did gain traction, but whatever. this paragraph doesn't really make sense, but nothing here does, because i wasn't given much to work with.

"...and then because these people have basically no imagination and unfailingly pick on others for their own faults, they project their own experiences on everyone they perceive as being more ‘in fandom’ than them,"

jesus christ. i'm going not say anything about the tone of this because i put too much effort into this for some rando to call me a cyberbully.

i think what they're thinking about is how there appear to be some "fandom critical" people who try to, holistically, "ruin everyone's good time" by "stirring up drama" about popular fandom artists/writers/whoever else idk. oftentimes these people will also make jokes about fandom whatever, seemingly picking on random people's interests.

however, if you look at the long history of fandom racism, fandom's normalization of p*dophilia, and even general fandom harassment, and then you look at fandom's visceral, unwarranted reaction to criticism regarding these things, you can quickly see that disillusionment towards fandom is entirely reasonable. as for the joking, well...this an oversimplification but not everyone needs to like what you like. it sounds like they just need to get over themself.

and go “You, a 27 year old queer blogger who is into [tv show/anime/movie] an embarrassing amount, are now going to be the face of Capitalism” with no self-reflection or critical thought given to how fucking cringe it is-"

so, i'm regretting putting so much effort into this because this is so fucking long and i have to analyze this nonsense...it feels like i'm back in my feminist thought class. nightmarish. but anyway, this seems to deal with- [CUT FOR LENGTH. nothing important was missed].

EDIT 2: actually here's a summary of what I had. it deserves better than to be a response to this nonsense, but first it detailed how this took 1. the op's post and 2. a comment that we don't even know if op agreed with and misinterpreted that, and threw quite a fit about this- and i hate to say this because this term is misused so often by redditors, but- strawman.

I then went on to discuss how, for example, PoC can uphold systems of white supremacy. while obviously no person of color is going to be the "face" of white supremacy, the discussion still needs to be had, especially within that group. similarly, while fandom constituents may not be the face of capitalism, there needs to be a discussion, within fandom, on how they support and are defined by capitalist (and other) systems.

it was really too good of a point to be making for this trash reply. I could go say more, but I'm still trying to stay on topic, unlike ciaran.

"to act like random people on the internet, end users with no influence over corporate decisions, are the ones personally responsible for the fact that late-stage capitalism has destroyed popular art and culture in an increasingly sordid attempt to make money."

we've been over the "no influence" bit - because in fact fans do have influence, especially since media creators are literally fans, etc etc. i'm tired of people acting like they have no power and using that as an excuse to support and perpetuate harmful, easily avoidable behavior.

also, to act like the nebulous system of late-stage capitalism is the only cause of bad media is ludicrous. first of all, someone has to make these so-called "corporate decisions", and the people making artistic decisions are, again, overwhelmingly members of "fandom." this comment is really trying to keep marvel trash and lore olympus-esque nonsense in the same atomic, indivisible category lest someone catches a whiff of nuance.

"the above post is a great example of this phenomenon because op admits freely that they only think fandom is destroying media because they have been spending more time in fandom and thus have an over-inflated sense of its importance in greater culture. posting your own Ls indeed."

i'm so tired. this person literally has 120 works on ao3 like...who is spending more time in fandom.

and the tags:

#i assure you that fandom has no bearing on my actual real life #and if it does on yours. then that is your problem #it's also a very funny problem to

now this is just egregiously tone deaf. you do not need to do more than a cursory google search to find a bottomless well of examples of fandom harassment, threats, doxxing, and violence, much of which is racially motivated. you can see why it would be bad to make fun of this. 

also the way that “fandom has no bearing on their actual real life“...120 fanfics on ao3. 120.

conclusion:

the reply clearly misinterprets of op's point, and as such, does not refute it. they responded to another issue altogether, which is that of the sanctity of their ~coping mechanism~ or whatever it is. their argument in this respect was, in my opinion, delusional and pathetic, especially given that they wrote it on someone else's unrelated post.

FINAL NOTE: i cut out lots of this because the reply went in so many different directions, so some stuff might not make sense. let me know if you have any questions.

this isn’t me vagueing or anything, or I’m not intending to because people have previously expressed the same of what I’m about to rant on, and I don’t want to @ or refer to any blog specifically for reigniting my bafflement of this take because this isn’t a personal grudge match against anyone, just a general *what* of this concept, but

jesus h christ on a stick, why do people want BioShock Infinite’s Elizabeth to have been a racist?

I get an AU fic of another timeline where Comstock’s motives weren’t messy as fuck and he didn’t just plan to force his messiah with a spinal shock collar from the word go, like “what if” stuff, but like saying she should have been racist in the original game and actually wanting this change because it would “improve” her character?

like, disclaimer because I am a white woman who may not have a say in things like this anyway, but honestly the racism angle was a huge mistake in Infinite in the first place, and should never have been done in this game because the lead writer is a white man and I can bet my bottom dollar he most likely did not consult anyone on race or racism beyond what historically accurate heinous racist acts to not depict in the game so players could “sympathise” with the flying racists getting their dues post-Finkton.

You know how important the racism of Columbia is to him? How relevant is it to the ending of the game? Answer: it isn’t. BioShock 1’s ending has the failings of Rapture relevant to the ending regarding the player’s choices. The ending of Infinite, however, focuses on Elizabeth, Booker and the multiverse, where nobody mentions the Vox or how Columbia was a failure or anything. Nothing with the Vox Populi or Columbia’s hubris is linked to the game’s ending. Both are left feeling superfluous. It was just something to stick into the background rather than be a story element that properly tied in with the story’s real focus. If you wanted Levine to write a better racism story I would have to ask you why??? Do you trust him to?????

What reason was there that we switched from extreme nationalism and its consequences in the demos as late as 2012 to “racism bad but the victims of it are also bad if they fight back” in 2013? Who fucking knows. Probably shock value, because I don’t see how time and resources would cause such a change from what Irrational put out there in interviews leading up to release. Given how Levine tried to retcon Daisy’s story in Burial at Sea (and keep in mind Black Lives Matter didn’t start as a movement until a few months after Infinite’s release and before BaS Episode 2 was released) he certainly didn’t commit to “Daisy and Comstock are the same”. If he had conviction for his “both sides” story, he wouldn’t have tried to rewrite it to Daisy choosing to play monster as a necessary sacrifice for her cause (which itself is its own can of worms with how it now plays out).

Considering as well how we had that article revealing how long it took to get a playable build out of Irrational thanks to Levine’s lack of solid direction, as well as the recent revelation that he had never read Ayn Rand when making a game about a city BUILT ON HER IDEOLOGY, I’m pretty sure the poor writing around Columbia’s racism and the Vox Populi in the final game was just made up as he went along to push out a finished product, because it had been five years at that point and 2k was piiiiiiissed.

Then we have how Elizabeth is your companion character, your escort mission. Friends, do you know how escort mission characters were viewed back pre-2013? Bad. The AI could just look at a player funny and they’d draw a 5 page comic on how awful a character they were and post it to deviantart. One of the worst levels in BioShock was when we had to escort a very killable Little Sister with a fishbowl filter on our FOV, and one of the major complaints people had with BioShock 2 was how they had an OPTIONAL escort mission to get more mutation juice. We didn’t start getting games with escort characters like Elizabeth or Clementine or Ellie, characters people actually cared about and WANTED to protect, until around 2012-2013.

You think the people creating Elizabeth, the escort mission character built to be a likeable, enjoyable to be with and empathise with her character, who can never get hurt or kidnapped in combat and actively helps the player, should have had her been a racist??? In a post-Mass Effect world??????

Ashley Williams is a woman from a military family. She is a proud member of the Alliance military who has concerns on working with aliens after having had no prior experience working with aliens. However, you can ease those concerns and help her warm up to building alliances in the first Mass Effect game. Ashley grows to trust alien squadmates, and even without your character’s influence will regard two anti-alien groups with disgust for their outright racism and human centrism.

And here’s the kicker, even with that nuance to her character, in a game of plenty of other more overtly racist and prejudiced characters? ASHLEY IS STILL THE BUTT OF THE SPACE RACISM JOKES. She had flaws, she developed, she proves her loyalties to the point of refusing to work with you when you’re forced to join one of the human centric groups, AND SHE’S STILL MOCKED FOR SPACE RACISM. EVEN IN PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL SHE’S RETROACTIVELY REGARDED AS BEING DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH. THAT IS HOW MUCH THE FANDOM AROUND MASS EFFECT HAS AFFECTED HOW ASHLEY IS SEEN.

And you want Infinite to have Elizabeth be very obviously racist with real life racism? (which is the vibe i’ve been getting) Like, you think all the people behind Elizabeth’s design, her game functionality, her interactions and personality, would give players ammunition to hate a character you’re supposed to enjoy having around on purpose? You think they’re going to give the actual racists and bigots and nazis of the internet a mascot????? Because we already had the facebook header image debacle for a Columbian propaganda poster, you KNOW they would.

And personally I don’t think it would make great character development, because the game is not in the format for that kind of exploration of character’s story. BioShock Infinite is not an RPG with you making dialogue choices with squadmates where you feel like you really influenced them to see the error of their ways. Infinite is a linear shooter. There is no real sense of the passage of time in a linear shooter, the player will experience it like it really doesn’t happen in the span of 20 hours.

Unlearning racism and religious brainwashing is not a quick fixit, and a quick fixit is how it would feel in the 20-40 hours you take to play through the entire game. If Infinite had had Elizabeth going from “I’m racist” to “*sees a black person suffering* maybe racism is wrong???” to “i am no longer racist, I see the error of my ways, you can like me now” in the span of what feels like less than a day to players in a linear game, people would be super critical of the pretty white girl getting cured of her bigotry way too quickly and how the game makes it like we’re supposed to applaud her for being so brave and mature and open-minded, and how much Levine really doesn’t understand nuance or anything about how internalised racism works.

BioShock Infinite’s final release proved that the Vox Populi should not have been handled the way they were. Yes, more media should be discussing and making audiences aware of what is racist, and how irrational it really is when you get down to it, but BioShock Infinite should not have been that media. It was originally written for two opposing sides in a city built on extreme nationalism, much like how BioShock was for objectivism, and then changed relatively last minute. It was written by a white man who’d already written the franchise’s only gay named character as a horrific monster of a man (Cohen) and has expressed how autism is what made a person evil (Tenenbaum). It was written with Elizabeth in mind, a main character who was literally designed to be an escort mission players would actually enjoy, most likely from Day 1 given how much behind the scenes stuff we know of her.

I wouldn’t trust someone like Levine to write a story of a character unlearning racism over the course of a game’s story, i don’t think he should ever have touched a story where racism is a such a prominent element with a 100 foot pole.

I changed my mind, and decided I want to share some thoughts and initial impressions while I still have this show fresh on my mind, so here we go:

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Transformers War for Cybertron - Siege

The Good:

The transformation sequences, particularly the first ones we see, are so reminiscent of the stop-motion videos people do of their Transformer toys transforming, and I think that’s rather charming! I wonder if that was intentional or a coincidental side-effect of the animation style they went for.

Character traits aren’t set in stone. Although we, as a fandom, prefer certain portrayals (Starscream being a terrible gremlin, Skyfire/Jetfire being sweet, Bumblebee being a charming young lad, etc.) sometimes it’s nice to see something new! Both Cyberverse and WFC: Siege took a different direction with Jetfire’s character. Although it’s disappointing that we don’t get to see the Jetfire / Starscream friendship most of us expected, I think Jetfire’s growth throughout the season was interesting.

I also like that the colonies (Velocitron and Caminus, anyways) were confirmed to exist in this continuity. It was nice to see Chromia, Moonracer, Elita, and Arcee together in the same show too. That being said, Moonracer’s model looked exactly like Chromia’s so I was a little confused at first. The narrative also didn’t really endear her to me, so despite loving her in the comics, my thoughts were “Oh. That sucks but whatever I guess” when she died, which leads me to my next point:

The Bad:

The writing. 

This is particularly evident in the first three episodes; in fact, I almost stopped watching after Episode One. Siege lacks the soul and personality I’ve come to expect from the Transformers series as a whole. 

The script, particularly in the first few episodes, felt like it was written by people who aren’t familiar with these characters, so they’re writing Optimus, Elita, and everyone else how they EXPECT them to sound, not writing them as they actually are.

I don’t like to judge fellow writers too harshly because I know that often times, they don’t get a final say in a lot of things, but there were unfortunately a lot of things that could’ve been done better. 

As a Transformers fan, I’m already inclined to like the characters, but the show didn’t do much to make me really care about them or their problems* (with one exception, which I’ll circle back to). As much as I’d like to blame the 6 episode time-crunch, there was a lot of wasted dialogue time that could’ve been used to charm the audience. 

TLDR: There’s a lot of talking in the show but the dialogue doesn’t actually say a lot. It doesn’t reveal much about the characters, or tell me who they are, or why I should care about them.

* The one area where Siege actually did put in the footwork to make me care was in regards to Impactor and Ratchet (one of the few characters whose personality we really get a sense for despite not having too much screen-time). Immediately, we’re shown how Ratchet earned Impactor’s trust, and we see why Impactor is loyal to him. They built up that relationship, so when Impactor dies protecting Ratchet, we get to feel that payoff and actually feel bad about his death! (Unlike some of the other deaths in the show, which I just shrugged at.). Because of that scene, I’m hopeful that Siege will start focusing on building relationships between their characters more. The series got better as time went on, so I’m inclined to keep giving it the benefit of the doubt despite my initial misgivings.

I try not to compare different series too much because there are a lot of outside forces that determine what a show winds up being, but re: writing with a time crunch, I think it’s important to talk about a show that did use their time well: Transformers Cyberverse.

Cyberverse got me invested in its characters within the first episode. They only had 10 minutes to tell a story, yet they made good use of their time and wove a tight narrative while also giving their characters the opportunity to charm the audience. 

Although we can argue Cyberverse had more time to do this since they had more seasons, even one-off characters, such as Media Fire or Wild Wheel, had more of a personality by the end of the episode than some Siege characters did by the end of the season.

The stakes aren’t really clear. Why should we care about one side losing or winning? We’re given some reasons why it would be “bad” if the Autobots lose since Shockwave convinced Megatron to use something that will change their base programming (or whatever, even that was a little bit vague) but ultimately we don’t have clear motivation for Megatron OR Optimus, the two faction leaders! Although they imply that Megatron / the Decepticon’s roots were based in a civil rights revolution (a-la IDW1) even that is inconsistent. As a friend put it, “Megatron and Optimus are both huge idiots, why root for either of them?”

This is a minor thing, but as a writer it really bugged me so I’m making a note of it anyways: it was really annoying when characters kept pausing while talking. (Ex:  “I………*long pause* [the rest of their sentence]”). Characters also kept saying things, only to let their sentences trail off. The cadence of their voices felt unnaturally slow and scripted, so it was a little difficult not to zone out while they were speaking. Perhaps this wasn’t a problem for other people, but it really took me out of the moment. That being said, this wasn’t as much of an issue in later episodes, which I greatly appreciated.

Another minor detail: this show felt like a barren wasteland of comedy. There were one or two moments I chuckled at (and one I really laughed at---Shockwave and Soundwave’s reaction to Megatron telling Starscream “You’ve proven your worth to the Decepticon cause”) but for the most part, I would’ve appreciated a little bit more humor. I mean, I know this series is aimed at an older audience, but it’s a show about robots that can transform into cars. The entire premise is goofy if you think too hard about it, so a joke here or there isn’t going to ruin your vibe.

The Ugly

Decepticons and Autobots are two different races.

Even within the first few episodes, we know the foundation of the war started because of issues of oppression and slavery. This isn’t subtle---Megatron clearly spells this out for us on several occasions. This topic isn’t new, we’ve seen most other Transformers continuities parrot the same thing. So why is it different here? It’s a bit of a complex issue, but as a gal of color, it really rubbed me the wrong way, and I feel like it’s important to talk about.

The show implies many times that Autobots and Decepticons are inherently different. It’s not a matter of your allegiance or your beliefs---it’s what you’re born as. (Functionism, anyone?) 

Functionism itself was a very interesting Transformers-specific way to discuss prejudice and oppression, but to suddenly make it race-based feels a little...Hmm. More than a little uncomfortable.

It felt a little bit like they were saying: "Yes, we're tackling the topic of oppression! Yes, we're saying these two groups are inherently different, and therefore that excuses prejudice and supremacy arguments both the good guys AND the bad guys are making!" 

Big Yikes

The subject of genocide and eugenics-adjacent arguments came up several times, and while we saw aspects of that in IDW’s run, making it race-based puts it in a different light. An ugly light.

One final thing on that note: the entire thing with Prowl. "Prisoners outnumbered law enforcement so the council created core override implants as a deterrent. [...] It means we can remotely trigger brain detonation."

I’m sorry, what?

The entire concept of “Core override” was INCREDIBLE fricked up. Yes, they had the decency to make Prowl sound ashamed of it, and the rest of the Autobots sounded appalled, but the fact that they proceed to install it on Jetfire despite their initial repulsion was frankly disturbing, especially because Optimus (Optimus PRIME) agreed to it. It felt incredibly out of character for him, and it went against the Autobot code as a whole. Everything about that, and the race-division, made me really uncomfortable, and I’m not sure how well Siege is going to handle this moving forward.

As a whole, I feel like War for Cybertron: Siege has a lot of work to do. Although the last few episodes were definitely an improvement, there’s still significant room to grow and they need to work harder to create a compelling narrative with lovable characters.

In the meantime, what were your thoughts on the series? I’d love to know how other people reacted, particularly regarding the last bit.

Language: English Rating: General Audiences (G) / P12 Warnings: - Fandom: Kingdom Hearts Series: Another 358 Days (Ao3, Tumblr) Genre: Songfic, Romance Characters: Roxas, Xion, Naminé (mentioned), Riku (mentioned), Isa (mentioned) Relationships: RokuShi (Roxas/Xion), Namiku (Riku/Naminé, if you squint) Words: 5,416 Chapter: 1/1 Beta: @theeeveetamer Notes: This is one of my favorite fanfics I’ve written so far, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. The midsummer part, most importantly the custom Xion mentions, is heavily inspired by actual Swedish midsummer customs. Written for RokuShi Week / RokuShi Day 2021 Other Platforms: -

Midsummer was the biggest holiday in Twilight Town, rivalled only by Christmas. However, the way the citizens celebrated was completely different. Christmas was something celebrated in private with one’s family, but Midsummer was celebrated in public with the entire town, akin to a big festival. There was music and dancing, there were lots of food stalls with some of the best this world had to offer, there were competitions in sack racing and tug-of-war… The blur of laughter, chatter and music was audible even on top of the clocktower.

Roxas smiled as he took another bit off his seasalt ice cream. It was wonderful, but he had needed a break. Celebrating for almost three days in a row was incredibly exhausting.

It was a great end for his first year as a normal person though. Well, not quite, it was still a full week until then. They had agreed to not celebrate, since the anniversary of them finally getting their own bodies was also the anniversary of the Second Keyblade War. So much pain had happened on that day and in the immediate aftermath.

It really was a shame they had missed Twilight Town’s Midsummer celebration last year though. Sora had been too busy preparing for the Keyblade War to stop by, and neither Roxas nor Xion knew about the holiday anyway. He couldn’t believe they had been oblivious to it for so long, considering how much time they had spent there as Nobodies. Even Axel apparently hadn’t been aware it was a thing until recently.

Summer in Twilight Town by itself was wonderful. The sunsets looked even brighter than they usually did because there were less clouds in the sky, and it was warm enough to not wear a jacket and exchange the long pants in favor of shorts. But Midsummer? That was an entire league of its own, and even though it was exhausting, Roxas absolutely loved it, just as much as he loved his home.

He’d always hoped for a normal life, but now that he had one it wasn’t perfect, or even as normal as the one he had dreamed of. There was always something that reminded him on his origins, whether it was his therapy sessions, Terra, Aqua and Ven or Riku asking for their help regarding some Keybearer duties or the simple fact that he had a cable port on his left wrist.

But… That was okay. He was incredibly grateful for this second chance one way or another. Besides, it was not like he could change where he came from anyways. Why waste time and energy on it? He liked his life as it was – actually, he liked it even better than the one he’d dreamed of.

There was only one thing that bothered him recently.

It had started when he had been sick with an upset stomach. Xion had blamed herself because she thought she was absorbing his strength again, going as far as trying to leave Twilight Town in the assumption that he would only become better when she did that. It hurt to see her that way, loathing herself with guilt for something that wasn’t her fault at all.

Luckily, he had been able to stop her from doing that, and she had settled on taking care of him instead. She had even managed to brew tea for him, a thought that made Roxas smile to this day, because if there was anything Xion was truly awful at, it was cooking. Something always went wrong even when she attempted something really simple, not that anyone would fault her for it. She still tried her best.

It had taken her several tries, but the tea she had given him had definitely been one of the best Roxas had ever had in his short life. Maybe because it was from her.

He had probably said and done quite a few stupid things over the course of the afternoon they had spent together, since had been so incredibly tired. Roxas’ cheeks heated up slightly. Xion really meant a lot to him. This feeling was one of the most real things he had ever experienced. He wanted someone to feel about him that way – more specifically, he wanted her to feel that way about him.

He had known her for almost as long as he existed, and he couldn’t really remember a time without her. She had been what caused him to think of himself as an individual for the first time, and they had been through a lot together in general. Axel said things like that deepened the bonds between people, and whether he was right about that or not, one thing was for sure: Xion was Roxas’ best friend in a way that Axel could never be.

Roxas didn’t want to lose what he currently had, and especially not the people he cared for. Naminé, Axel and by some extension Ven were the closest thing to a family he had, even though Ven wasn’t around as much. Roxas couldn’t imagine living without them anymore, just as much as he couldn’t imagine living without the friends he had made over the past year.

Losing Sora had already been tough enough. Roxas had gotten a lot better at handling his emotions, but he was sure that handling another loss would be tough, even if it was Isa. But losing Xion again… The thought of it alone was unbearable and his eyes even got a bit watery when he thought about what he would do without her.

She was special to him, Roxas had known that for a long time. He had never thought much more about it though, not until recently, when he had upset his stomach. What was that feeling he held for her, and her alone?

Could it possibly be… Love?

He had asked Axel about it when that question first crossed his mind, but for once his friend didn’t have an answer. ‘That’s something you’ll have to find out yourself, Roxas,’ was what he had said.

Roxas sighed. Maybe he should talk to Xion about it…

“Hello Roxas!”

Wow. That really was perfect timing… He smiled.

“Hey Xion.” He motioned to the space beside him. “Do you want to take a seat?”

She nodded and sat down next to him.

Maybe this was a good time to address what he had just been thinking about. On one hand, the clocktower felt like a personal place, and they were alone today. On the other hand – even though people rarely came up here, which was one of the reasons why this had been their preferred meeting place back in their Organization days, it was still a public space.

Even though Xion had gotten a lot better at dealing with emotions as well and her color changes provided a good aid at determining her feelings, she was still a lot worse at it than Roxas himself was. She still couldn’t even name what she was feeling most of the time. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by any means, especially because knowing Xion, she wouldn’t be able to tell him that he was making her feel that way. Sure, she’d get green freckles at some point, but by that point, she would already have to feel really uncomfortable – and even then, she could still try and suppress the freckles because she didn’t want to upset him. Roxas didn’t want to take it that far under any circumstances.

Besides… How did one even start something like this? Surely saying something like ‘Hey Xion, can we talk about my feelings for you? I’m kind of confused’ wasn’t the best way to go…

“Say, have you heard about that custom that if you place seven different kinds of flowers under your pillow tonight you’ll dream of the person you’ll marry?”

Roxas nodded. Olette had been going on about it for days. “It sounds just like another midsummer superstition to me though.”

Xion shrugged. “Well, Naminé seems to be absolutely convinced it works.”

“Let’s hope she doesn’t dream of Riku then,” Roxas said with a light chuckle and finished the last bit of his ice cream.

“You still don’t like him him, do you?”

Well, his relationship with Riku was admittedly a difficult one.

On one hand, Riku was Sora’s best friend. They had grown up together, almost like brothers since Sora’s mother had often looked after Riku when they were younger. Roxas did feel somewhat sorry for Riku due to his rather complicated family issues, or what he knew about them, but on the other hand… He still couldn’t forget what Riku had done to him.

Roxas understood how Riku felt about Sora. After all, he felt similar about Naminé. If she were to fall asleep for a year, Roxas knew he would do just about anything in order to help her wake up again too, even if that meant asking Riku to kiss her.

But taking someone else’s existence away? Ruining a life? It had been so unfair, and Roxas couldn’t help but hate Riku for it, despite how kind he was to Naminé (and really all of them) and everything he had learned about him over the past year. Again, Roxas wasn’t very good at forgiving.

He sighed. “Let’s just say it’s complicated.”

Xion nodded, but didn’t say anything. Roxas was grateful for that, he wasn’t really in the mood for talking about his complicated relationship with Riku, or Isa for that matter. Maybe someday, he could find it in his heart to forgive them both – but not today. Especially since there was something else he wanted to discuss with her…

“I still can’t believe that we’ve been living like this for a year now.” There went his chance at doing so. She had already settled on a new subject. If he could just think of something  “No one threatening to turn us into Dusks, no daily missions… Just Axel, Isa, Naminé, you and me…”

“Is something bothering you, Xixi?” He couldn’t hold it back anymore. This tone was so off for her.

Xion shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, really,” she said. “But recently, I've been confused by my feelings for you.”

He didn’t see why it should… Wait! “You too?”

“What do you mean by…” She stopped, and her eyes widened a bit. “Roxas… Don’t tell me you’re feeling weird about me too.”

He sighed and nodded. “I do, as a matter of fact.”

Xion bit her lip. “How… How do you feel?”

Roxas shrugged. “It’s… Well. It’s something different than I feel for the others, I think…”

“Does this mean we can’t be friends anymore?”

Oh no. He hadn’t meant to upset her. Hastily, Roxas shook his head. “No, of course it doesn’t!”, he assured her. “I’m just saying that you’re special to me, Xion, that’s all.”

“Special…”, she whispered, lifting her head, but still not looking at him. Instead, her gaze wandered to the sun on the horizon. She obviously needed some time, so he decided to say nothing and turned to watch the eternal sunset as well, in order to give her some privacy.

Twilight Town’s sun wandered across the horizon, it just never really rose, at least not during the day. It did change with the seasons however, in winter it was a bit lower than in summer.

During daytime, the sun would wander across all four points of the compass. When it was in the North, it marked a new date for the citizens of Twilight Town. When it was in the east, the colors of the sky changed to softer pastels, and it was usually when Roxas, Xion and Naminé would get up to go to school. When it was in the South, they would usually have lunch, and on Wednesdays it was when lessons were over. And getting closer to the west, the sky would gradually fade into the bright reds, and eventually purples when it neared the North.

Currently, it was somewhere between South and West, and the sky was colored in warm, glowing pinks and oranges. On this day, they were even brighter than usual. Maybe because midsummer was the day when Twilight Town got closest to an actual sunrise, the day with the greatest amount of light. Starting tomorrow, it would only ever get darker until around Christmas, hence why the day was so special to the citizens.

“You’re special to me too, Roxas.”

Huh? He turned to Xion, surprised by her speaking up all of a sudden. She was smiling at him, and his heart jumped. He was special to her too. He was special to her too!

… But at the same time, he couldn’t help but feel that she was… Something still wasn’t quite right. “Xion?”

“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s just… I just wish I could tell you how.”

“Hey.” Xion’s hand was resting on the floor between them, and Roxas placed his on hers. When she didn’t pull away, he squeezed it lightly, in an attempt to reassure her somewhat. “Knowing that is enough for me Xixi.” Sure, he would like to know what this feeling of his was, but simply knowing that he was special to her too made him incredibly happy.

“But it isn’t enough for me.”

That was something else.

Xion sighed. “I want you to know how I feel about you,” she continued while purple freckles appeared on her skin. “But I just… I lack the words to describe it, as usual.”

She sounded so incredibly frustrated that it hurt, especially because he had no idea how to help her with this, or at the very least, cheer her up a little bit. “Maybe there is another way than words,” he tried anyways, even though that probably wasn’t any help either.

Xion drew her hand away and reached into her pocket, but clearly hesitated. Did he say something wrong?

“There might be another way,” she said quietly. It was almost a whisper. “But… You won’t like it.”

This admittedly made him a bit nervous – but he didn’t care. Showing him how she felt about him somehow was clearly important to her. It didn’t matter whether he would like the alternative for words or not, as long as it helped to make her wish come true. Besides, it couldn’t be that bad. “What is it?”

Xion took a breath, then she pulled her hand out of her pocket. She was holding a red cable with two equally shaped plugs on both ends. They were flat and fairly narrow, and the metal part was just a bit shorter than the plug of Roxas’ headphones. He swallowed at the sight of it – he knew this particular cable and what it meant, even without Xion saying it.

“We could try to sync.”

The issue with that was not that he didn’t know whether it was safe or not – Even had actually tried this out together with Xion and Naminé not too long ago. The issue wasn’t even that Roxas had never attempted a sync himself before.

It was just that he was incredibly scared of getting a cable plugged into his wrist. Even thinking about it gave him chills.

Sure, doing it enabled him to do some cool stuff, like not having to pick up his gummiphone every time he wanted to switch songs when listening to music, but being connected to some sort of computer always made him feel like a Nobody again.

Even had once explained that human bodies, which Replica bodies emulated, worked in cycles, or rhythms, out of which the heart was only the most obvious one. They changed frequently in relation to physical activity and environmental factors, but also in response to emotions – and reverse. If the rhythms were influenced by an external factor, like music (probably the reason why music had been a taboo in the Organization), emotions could be influenced as well. Even called it the physio-psychological correlation.

Machines had rhythms too, but contrary to the many harmonious rhythms of a human body, which created a flow, theirs were a completely synchronized pulse.

Whenever some kind of data was transferred between a computer and a Replica body, some kind of synchronization was needed to establish a connection. While his body emulated human rhythms most of the time, it could also sustain itself on a machine rhythm, at least temporarily. But doing so had an effect on his emotions – it made him apathetic, like the machine was actively suppressing his emotions. Like he was back to zombie stage again.

That was why he preferred to avoid using his port as much as possible.

He knew Xion wasn’t a computer, even though she, like him, was technically a human-machine-hybrid. She probably had a flow as well, as opposed to a machine’s pulse, so it wouldn’t feel the same, but still… And what if their bodies jumped into “machine mode” in order to sync?

Roxas sighed. He was about to say “no” – but he couldn’t, because it was Xion who asked this of him. Xion, who wanted him to know how she felt about him so badly. How could he say “no”?

He swallowed. “Okay.”

“Roxas, you know you don’t have to do this for me…”

“I know,” he said. “But I’m going to do it anyways.”

“Roxas…” The look on her face made his heart beat faster. “Thank you.”

Xion was beaming, and for a moment, it was like she was the sun. He even felt a lot warmer than before. Whatever was coming – this alone made it worth it.

“Do you want to go first?”, Xion asked kindly as she handed him one end of the dual cable.

Roxas sighed. He knew she was trying to make it a little easier for him, but nothing would ever change the fact that he hated sticking a cable into his wrist. Nonetheless, he reached for the end of the cable she offered him – but he hesitated taking it. The thought of pushing a cable into his wrist gave Roxas chills, but actually doing it made him feel sick to his stomach. He knew it wasn’t the same but…

His hand trembled. He couldn’t do this.

“I’m sorry, Xion.”

She shook her head. “It’s alright, Roxas. I know you hate this.” She lowered her head. “I think I’m the one who has to apologize to be honest. I shouldn’t have asked this of you…”

She shouldn’t apologize, Roxas thought. It wasn’t her fault after all. He had held out hope that he could do this for her, only to disappoint. If anything, it was his fault. Why couldn’t she just be mad at him for this?

“Don’t apologize, Xion.”

He couldn’t leave it like this. He just couldn’t. This was important to her. But to do it, they had to get that cable into his wrist somehow. And if he couldn’t do it himself…

Roxas stretched out his left arm towards her. His hand was shaking, but he didn’t care. Anything to make this possible – for her. “Can…” He swallowed. The words felt like they got stuck in this throat.

“Can you do it for me, Xixi?”

It came out as a whisper, so quiet that he almost wasn’t able to understand what he was saying himself.

But Xion heard him anyways. She looked at him in surprise. “Roxas… Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Please.”

Roxas was used to other people doing it for him, ever since the first time shortly after the hospital situation. Even had been the one to do it and while he had been rather careful, it had taken Roxas completely by surprise, since no one had bothered to tell him what the weird thing on his wrist was for in the first place.

After that, he had never really been able to shove the cable into his own wrist, unlike the other two. Even Naminé didn’t bat an eye when she did it, although he knew she didn’t like the feeling of being connected to a computer either. So at least he wasn’t alone with that. Sheesh, he would never understand how Xion didn’t mind that aspect of their existence, and even enjoyed it at times!

Roxas flinched when she finally took his hand.

He realized Xion had never done this for him before, which was kind of funny since he usually needed help with it, either because his arm was shaking too much or he outright couldn’t do it by himself like now…

He gasped when he felt her gently rubbing her thumb across his hand.

Roxas had expected a firm grip on his wrist and her just getting over with it, simply and plainly like everyone else did. But Xion…

“You’re tense,” she murmured as she ran her other hand up his arm, brushing his skin with her fingertips.

To his surprise, Roxas found himself relaxing a bit, even as she slipped his wristband up his arm. It hid his port underneath, and Roxas never took it off unless he had to wash it (he had a few spares), and he wore a different, water-resistant one for showering. They all did.

The port itself was pretty unspectacular. If one didn’t look closely, they might even have overlooked it. It was really just a slight bump on his skin, with a hole that faced into the direction of his palm. Still, Roxas didn’t like seeing it – and yet, he couldn’t look away whenever it was not covered…

“Look at me, Roxas.”

… except for when he looked at Xion. He could always look at her, even when she wasn’t looking at him like now.

“What color are my freckles?”

“Uh…” He swallowed. “They’re blue.”

Out of all her colors, blue was the most mysterious one. By now, he had been able to figure out the meaning of each one he had seen on her, except this one. Blue seemed to appear completely by chance.

“Can you tell me which kind of blue?”

That would be more difficult. He was pretty sure Naminé could have instantly named the exact hue, but Roxas wasn’t good or even interested in that stuff too much. So he just tried describing it instead.

“It’s a vibrant one, but not too…” What was the word again?

“Saturated?”, he guessed. “I don’t know, Xion, it’s hard to describe…”

“Can you try it anyways?”, she asked.

Roxas nodded. “It isn’t a bright blue,” he continued. “I think it has a certain… Depth to it?” That sounded incredibly stupid… “It’s actually a really nice color, pleasant to look at…”

“Okay, that’s enough for me.” She looked at him and smiled. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Xi-…” He felt her pulling his wristband down again, gently and carefully, and when he looked at his wrist once more, he could see the cable poking out from underneath. Now he understood what she had been doing – and it had worked. Roxas hadn’t felt a thing.

A grateful smile washed over his face. “Thank you, Xion. For distracting me.”

She shook her head. “Thank you, Roxas. For agreeing to this.”

How could he not? This seemed so important to her…

“Ready?”

Xion had taken the other end of the cable, and looked ready to put it into her port. For a short moment, Roxas was about to panic once more, but he tried to keep it down. For her.

He swallowed and nodded. “Ready.”

“Alright.”

Roxas took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he braced himself for the unknown.

His eyelids twitched.

Being connected to each other felt a lot different than being connected to a machine. Sure, there was this sudden awareness of the many different rhythms his bodies usually worked in and the flow created by this, but he couldn’t feel a steady, rhythmic pulse on the other end. Instead, Xion had her own unique flow, one that felt much calmer than his own, despite how unpredictable it seemed at the very same time.

Roxas would have liked it, if he wasn’t so terribly aware of how his own flow was heavily affected by his nervousness, and how it could theoretically affect her as well. They were connected after all. Even if it didn’t happen by accident, Roxas was well aware that they needed to establish some harmony between their flows for Xion’s idea to work, which meant…

Xion lightly touched his fingertips. “It’s okay if you don’t want to continue,” she whispered. “We can stop.”

Roxas shook his head. “I just don’t want to affect you, Xion.”

“Let me worry about that part,” she said, and Roxas could have sworn she smiled, despite not seeing it because his eyes were still closed. “Just try to relax, okay?”

He trusted her. “Okay.”

With that worry out of the way, he tried to focus on the connection, on her flow over his own. It felt pleasant – and warm, which surprised him a bit, because he hadn’t thought it could feel that way. Even though he knew that this could change at any given time, especially with him on the other end of the connection, it made him feel a bit calmer. He distantly wondered how his own flow felt like to her for a second.

Until both flows just… Dissolved.

One by one, his individual rhythms seemed to dissect themselves from his flow, dissolving it entirely in the process. There was no longer a messy flow, there was a multitude of rhythms now, more or less harmonious with each other, and every single one rather fast compared to Xion’s calmer ones.

This was overwhelming. It was too much.

Roxas pressed his eyelids together more tightly. He wanted to scream… No, he just wanted it to stop. But who knew what would happen if he just cut off the connection now…

In an attempt to distract himself, Roxas started to hum a little tune.

It was nothing he had ever heard before, completely improvised. That way, he had to focus on matching the individual notes rather than simply repeating something he already knew. He did this often when he tried to calm himself down.

To his surprise, Xion joined in after a few notes. Roxas almost stopped humming himself. Xion almost never hummed, let alone even sang. While she did have a wonderful voice in his opinion, she just didn’t like using it very much, and Roxas respected that. She didn’t have to if she didn’t want to.

But now she did, and Roxas loved every single second of it, especially since he got to hum and create a tune alongside her. They stringed it together, note after note, and while Roxas provided the melody and Xion the accompaniment in the beginning, he soon found that he couldn’t quite tell which was which anymore. What had started as an improvised tune soon evolved into a harmonious overture, by no means perfect, but pleasant to listen to.

Suddenly, there was a new flow between them.

Their rhythms weren’t completely synchronized, but harmonious in a way that allowed them to melt into each other, while still being individuals – a bit like the music they created.

By now, he could not just feel her flow on the other end of the connection. He could feel her entire being, like they were becoming one for as long as this connection lasted. Despite that, Roxas still felt like himself, and he knew Xion did as well. He… He even liked being connected to her like this. Even if it meant shoving a cable into his wrist… Actually, he could get used to that, if it meant they could do this more often.

Xion was amazed how that little bit of humming had helped Roxas to calm down and form this connection. She definitely wasn’t going to become an enthusiastic singer, but she didn’t regret using her voice this time, just like Roxas didn’t regret letting himself in for this experiment. They both enjoyed the connection.

He reached for her hand by moving his own forward a bit, so their palms were touching. The touch was like a question, asking whether she was feeling the same.

Xion gently laced their fingers together. His hand was so warm, and the touch prickled a bit on her skin due to excitement.

Xion’s feelings were different from Roxas’, but they felt just as strong. She didn’t have the urge to protect as much as he did, and the metaphorical butterflies in her stomach were something Roxas had never experienced at all. He knew the warmth that came alongside them however, as well as the feeling of being about to overflow.

It was something Xion felt for no one else, a deep-running connection that went far beyond the current harmony of their bodily rhythms. Far deeper than it was reasonable. She didn’t care about that however, all she wanted… Actually, she didn’t want anything right now. Just having Roxas here with her, alive and well, was more than enough for her. He was more than enough for her.

He had his flaws, by all means, just like she did. Neither of them were perfect, and maybe they weren’t even perfect for each other, but neither of them cared. Who they were and what they saw in each other – they didn’t want to change any of that.

Their only wish was to stay with each other like this.

Xion opened her eyes and smiled. “So…” She sounded quiet, almost reverent. “This is… Love?”

Roxas still didn’t know for sure. But was there really a way to know for sure at the end of the day?

He shrugged. “Does it really matter?”, he asked. “All I know is that…” How was he supposed to say this? There wasn’t really a description… It was something just between the two, and nobody else. It was real – a reminder that they were real too. Nothing could ever change that. Roxas gave up. There was no reason to not say it like that.

“I think I love you, Xion.”

In that moment, the butterflies of light in Xion’s stomach were finally released for good. They had waited too long for the right time to fly, and now it was finally there. It was like an explosion of emotion, strong enough to even invoke physical feelings – the complete opposite to the empty void that had been their existence as Nobodies. They went everywhere, brightening up their surroundings as they filled it with all the colors they were made of. Roxas felt like a few of them brushed his skin.

Xion brought her free hand to his cheek. She only touched him lightly with her fingertips, as if she were asking a question, and Roxas answered it by leaning into it. Not too much, but enough to feel her palm too.

“Roxas…” He knew what she was going to say, but nothing could replace the feeling of hearing it from her with his own ears.

“I love you too.”

And with that, the music evolved into a symphony.

A tear dripped on Xion’s fingertip, and Roxas realized that he was crying. And Xion – a few tears ran down her cheeks as well. They were both overflowing now.

Roxas sighed in bliss and leaned his forehead against hers. He didn’t want this moment to end, but since everything eventually did, he wanted to relish in it as much as he could. “Can I kiss you?”

He knew her answer already, thanks to the ongoing connection between them, but hearing it from her just felt so much better.

Xion smiled, and he could swear her blue freckles had gotten more intense. Now he finally knew what they meant. “I was just about to ask the same.”

Love is free, free is love Love is living, living love Love is needing to be loved – John Lennon, Love

I'm looking for a trans sensitivity reader (for Marcie) and possibly a poc sensitivity reader (for the monsters vs mewmans plot), so if you're available, please tell me, and we'll figure something out.

Forgive my inability to draw humans, please.

I know this is a big departure from my usual content, so I'd like to make sure you know that watching SVTFOE is not necessary to enjoy this AU, as everything needed to understand the plot is explained in-story. In fact, I'd love to have someone who's never even heard of a svftoe to read it so I can make sure it makes its own logical sense.

Anyways... 

(putting this under a read more for your scrolling purposes)

Hi. I'm Sage, and I would like to talk about a show I really liked. The past tense being the operative, as it used to be good, but...

I started watching SVTFOE after watching the great Steven Universe, which meant I had high expectations for it. And it met those expectations! From the beginning I was hooked. It was a good show. But as the seasons went on, it started to... rot.

Now, something to know about me is that I do not invest myself wisely. I love the things I love deeply and with passion. I get attached easily, and I love to theorize about the things I love. So I was heartbroken when SVTFOE ended the way it did, with none of my questions answered.

And when my theories were better than canon, well, that meant I had a new project: a complete rewrite of Star vs. the Forces of Evil. This AU will start similar to canon, but gradually diverge from it until it's something completely new. It will also have five separate "seasons".

So here's my AU: Star and Marcie and The Forces Of Evil (aka samatfoe). This AU will tear apart the scraps of lore that we got from SVTFOE and expand on it and make new lore, all narrated by my lovely OC, Sílthéy. And I promise I will get to as much as possible. If you're worried, check the titles of all of the chapters, which will hopefully reassure you that, yes, I will get to everything (or at least everything I've thought of ;)).

Dramatis Personae:

Star: Star will mostly stay the same in the first few seasons, but I'll try to have her actually grow and mature while staying a good person in the later seasons. She'll also be a bit more fire-aligned, because I wanted to be able to tell my Star and the canon Star apart easily. (She also doesn't get those wings until Mewberty.)

Marcie: is a trans girl. The entire second "episode" will be about her being trans. And I will, again, try to not have her act like a jerk in later seasons. She also won't be an adult trapped in a teenager's body, as that was waaay too weird for me. Instead she won't age in the Neverzone, period, and there will be an episode dedicated to her re-adjusting to Earth and discussing what the whole "spent a decade and a half in eight minutes" thing means for her. And, of course, she'll be more involved with the Mewni plot, as she will be interested in learning the lore behind Mewni from the beginning and push Star to find out more about Mewni.

Ludo: Ludo's story will not effectively end with the Battle for Mewni. He will get a redemption arc, with all the pitfalls and trip-ups that come with that. And all of his flaws and issues will be brought up, now just forgiving him for everything he did because he had bad parents. And Dennis will continue to be a cinnamon roll. Some things never change.

Buff Frog/Yvgeny: will not change. He is good lad.

Toffee: This is the big one. Where to start, and how to start it without spoiling everything I have planned? Well, let me tell you this: Toffee is getting a complete overhaul. For one thing, I now made them agender for various complicated reasons that will be revealed in-story, eventually. And for another thing, they will get an actual backstory and personality! Isn't that a novel idea! And they will not die abruptly and nonsensically in Battle for Mewni, so don't worry about that.

Jackie: Oh, Jackie. You poor dear. Jackie will not be delegated to the role of "one-time love interest who just skateboards out of the plot". First of all, Marcie will only have a squish (a platonic crush) on her, because I don't trust my aro/ace self with the weird things people in romantic love do to get together, but I do know what it's like to desperately want to be friends with someone. Secondly, while she will be out of the spotlight in later seasons, it'll be because she's on an exchange trip to France, not because we're abandoning her character and her world for no good reason.

Janna: never changes. Pretty sure she's the one constant of the multiverse.

Tom: will have his redemption arc earlier in the story so I can use him for things, but other than that will not change much.

Moon: First of all, she will not betray everything her daughter stands for by siding with Mina this time. There are plenty of other ways Mina could rise to power, so there's no need to ruin her character by making her do a stupid, illogical thing that even a five-year-old would see was stupid. I mean, she's still going to be kind of racist, but she's well-established to be level-headed and even a little clever, so she will not do something that would so obviously blow up in her face. Secondly, she will be a bad ruler, hence why Mewni is a total mess, but she will learn and become better and help Star's efforts to improve Mewni.

Glossaryck: is... changing. He won't "lose" his sanity for season three, but he will also not be in a totally heroic role. It's a complicated thing and a bit of a spoiler, so I'll leave it at that. Also, he's a dragon now Because Reasons (no, seriously, I have a reason for it. It's also a spoiler).

River: River will be goofy, like usual, but he won't be plot-destroyingly stupid. I'll try my best to not make you question why he's even king while still making him a foil to Moon. It's the tightrope I must walk.

Angie and Raphael: Will not completely disappear from the plot in later seasons, but will instead be like a second family to Star and will be a refuge when her overbearing Butterfly side gets too much.

Kelly: Will not be involved in a stupid romantic subplot with Marcie. Sorry. Other than that, Kelly will remain pretty much the same, aside from now being tiny, because that's just how she came out in my art. She's pretty cool.

Miss Heinous: Will not be Meteora this time around. I disliked how Heinous hurt so many people and was a horrible person, but as soon as her Tragic Backstory™ was revealed, all that pain and suffering she caused was ignored in favor of making her Super Duper Tragic™. So I'm separating the characters. Don't worry, though, she'll get the backstory and character arc she deserves.

Saint Olga: Saint Olga will be the main motivator for Miss Heinous's actions, as she is desperate to please the robot. Other than that, Saint Olga won't actually get much character. She's a bad guy, pure and simple.

Meteora: will not turn into a baby. She will deal with the consequences of her actions like a mature, responsible sixteen-year-old. But because she's sixteen, things won't be too harsh when she does snap. She'll still have her mother and father to help her and guide her.

Eclipsa: Regarding Eclipsa's design, I tried to make her fat, but... I don't know if it translates well in my art. I'm just not that good at art yet. But aside from that, making her cheekmarks dark gray (spades are a black card, not a red card! That bugged me so unreasonably much), and giving her as much of a connection to Toffee as the show implied, I'm not changing much about her. She was one of the good characters.

Globgor: Will have fought against mewmans in the past, but not have eaten them (what were the writers thinking?! Making your metaphorical poc eat people is... not good). And it will be more of a case of Star and Eclipsa knowing he is good and should be released from the crystal, but the general mewman populace not accepting it, until Cornonation, where he proves he's a good guy.

Shinjai: Is a new character I am thrilled to introduce to you all! She came from me thinking that for someone who supposedly wants to end mewman-monster racism, Star sure doesn't have any monster friends (Buff Frog doesn't count. He's an adult, and they don't really hang out so much). So here's Shinjai! She's a septarian, and is introduced instead of Princess Smooshy in Sleep Spells. She's a very minor minor monster noble, and her family has about as much political power as your average worm on a sidewalk after it rains, but all noble monsters must go to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty, so she runs away and gets help from Star and Marcie. She's mostly made to replace Pony Head: she's spunky and... uh, actually she's nothing like Pony Head. She's also unafraid of asking difficult questions and knows more about the plot than she lets on.

Rasticore: is very different from his canon counterpart: he only allies with Heinous and Saint Olga to keep an eye on them for ~someone~, and thoroughly dislikes them, despite agreeing to their mission. He also can regenerate as quickly as Toffee, he just chooses not to for ~reasons~. He also has a mysterious partner, but we all know it's – *gets clubbed over the head by Síthéy*

Mina: Making fun of mental illnesses isn't funny kids. Therefore, Mina is the only neurotypical member of the cast. She does boring neurotypical things like... I dunno, cleaning? And she's still a threat: bigotry and hatred are not exclusive to people with mental illnesses, after all.

Lilacia: Now, Lilacia Pegasus, the horse formerly known as Pony Head, will... exist. She won't be as overwhelmingly annoying, hopefully, as she is in canon. And to make sure she feels consequences for her actions, there will be a subplot in season two about her and Star growing apart as Star grows and leaves Lilacia's annoying party girl antics behind. Lilacia will have to realize that her immature actions are making Star leave her behind, and she'll have to grow as a person because of it.

Then there's a mysterious character who is very mysterious and does mysterious things and has a mysterious personality and is generally mysterious... mysterious. She'll be introduced in the second season and will be as mysterious as promised, I swear.

And finally, of course, it will be narrated by Sílthéy. She will tell this story, and her part in it, for all to hear. Or read? It's a bit of a strange medium, storytelling on paper. Or on a screen, whatever.

Now, of course, by now you must be wondering: What about the shipping? The shipping's the most important part, right? Well, here is my answer: There will be no ship wars. There will be no love dodecahedrons. There will be no cheating, no lies, no throwing other characters under the bus for stupid romantic drama. Why? BECAUSE STAR AND MARCIE ARE BOTH ARO/ACE. Suck on that, Starco! I am the last person to trust romantic drama with, so all of the romantic relationships in this bandwagon will be established, healthy relationships that have decades of chosen love and appreciation for one another behind them. And past!Tomstar and brief, schoolchild-crush-esque Star/Oskar but that doesn't count.

So, I believe that about wraps things up for this post. I'll start posting chapters soon, and will post two chapters every other week, and I'll release the descriptions of them two weeks before I post them. If you have any questions, please ask them! I want to work on my drawing skills, so I might even draw something for them!

Description for next episodes:

Star's Birthday: Star is a young, wild princess who is about to receive her family's most precious heirlooms.

Trouble in Diazland: Star is put under the care of the Diaz family, but can't quite seem to connect with their son, Marco.

And, finally, I have thank yous! These are mostly people I watched but haven't really interacted with yet, so if you get tagged know that you don't know me, I just followed you for svtfoe content. And for, you know, your personality.

Thanks to ankle-beez for being hilarious and reminding me why I made this AU when you relentlessly drag svtfoe. Thank you to @full-moon-phoenix, @dappercritter, and the lizard squad for my regular dose of Toffee. Thank you morningmark and @jess-the-vampire for keeping me invested in svtfoe as a whole. Thanks to svtfoe-critical and @twinklecupcake for good ideas. Thank you to TBlofeld on AO3 for your amazing AU, Monsters, Mewmans, Magic, that, while we took things and ran in completely opposite directions, still inspired me to complete mine. And thank you to Blue Order, whose deeply hilarious and deeply accurate video "How Star Vs the Forces of Evil Fell From Grace" inspired me to create this story in the first place. And, of course, thank you to whoever on the svtfoe wiki writes down the transcripts to every episode. You've helped me so much. I admit that I didn't follow all of your guys' advice, but you did help me get here, every one of you. So thank you.

Rita Detective Agency vs The Man Without A Name

When Rita first joins the crime crew doesn’t trust Peter Nureyev one bit

Of course back in those days she knew him by another name: Rex Glass

She hadn’t seen him since he’d stolen that Martian mask all those months ago

And, though the boss had found him annoying, she’d thought he was plenty charming. Sure he was a criminal, but there was no reason to be so judgmental!

She watched Mistah Steel’s face when they saw each other again, though, just before they left mars, and she was quick to figure out what had taken place between them, though

See, there were these face stealin’ moon dogs that lived near jupeter— she’d learned about em in one of her shows— and basically they could mimic any face they saw in order to trick unsuspecting people into becoming their dinner— in one episode a face stealer had taken the face of someone’s beloved BUT when it saw how much Justin (that’s the hero’s name of course) loved his husband the face stealer ended up Falling! In! Love! with Justin instead of eating him and it was all so tragic and romantic, but of course Justin couldn’t go on without the real Mika—

Anyway OBVIOUSLY mistah glass had been mimicked by a face stealer and sworn the boss to secrecy, but even if he fooled everyone else, he couldn’t trick Rita!

So she got straight to work. At first she just tried to use some of those classic face stealer catchin questions, ya know, how many limbs did your mom’s mom have, how do ya feel about boiled eye balls, the usual. Not-Glass was good though, too good

Plan B was less exciting. She just hacked his comms to check his search history for face stealer forums. That was easy enough.

Or at least, it should have been easy enough. Even though she knew Glass hadn’t been involved with Dark Matters for over a year, gettin into his comms reminded her of patching the boss through to that old friend of his who worked with them now. Every time she got through a layer of security codes another popped up in its place. She almost couldn’t make it through.

But she was Rita, so of course she did. Glass’s comms themselves were even stranger than his security, though, mostly because there was nothing there. Who went through all that trouble to hide nothing? She didn’t know, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t find out.

Even if the guy had virtually no viral footprint, there was one footprint everyone had. The real kind! So maybe it wasn’t the most “formally worked in law enforcement” thing to do to break into Glass’s room on the ship but... well she was curious! What else could she do?

Hacking the ships door system was easy enough, but figuring out when Glass would be out of the way was much more difficult. Eventually, though, Buddy sent Glass with the boss to stock up on supplies on a nearby planet. They pained look on mistah steel’s face wasn’t lost on her, but she liked to take things one mystery at a time.

Glass’s rooms were.... well they were something. For such a well groomed man he was quite the slob if she was honest. Little papers scattered the room, crumpled up into loose balls. Upon further investigation she found that most of them were just pen doodles, and she could appriciate a fellow artist. She even found a couple that reminded her vaguely of the crew. One stick lady had Vespa’s bright green hair, the next was marked by jet’s enormous stature. She found a few of the boss and even one of herself, which she pocketed.

She moved on to investigate Glass’s desk. Oddly enough, most of the drawers were as empty as his comms. One had a tube of red lipstick, another held a couple of creds. The most interesting thing she found was a book that she saw, when she opened it, had been hollowed out to hold a single knife. It wasn’t a completely unexpected thing to come across on a ship of criminals but still. This guy was weird.

Maybe a bit sad too, though. His room was cluttered, but mostly by trash. It didn’t seem like he actually had a lot of anything except maybe clothes and makeup. It wasn’t a big room, and Glass— or whoever he really was— still couldn’t fill it.

It was as she contemplated this that she noticed a note left haphazardly on the desk. It was written in elaborate cursive script, but the bottom half of it had been scribbled over till it was no long legible. What she could read, however, was enough to grab her attention.

“Juno, my love—“

She had just put two and two together when she heard the sound of footsteps outside the room.

“We aren’t going to be able to work together like this, Peter,” said a familiar voice through the wall. She recognized Mistah Steel’s distinctive tone.

The response was so cutting she almost couldn’t place it. “We’ll have to figure something out I suppose, because I’ve said I don’t want to discuss it. Goodbye, detective.”

The owner of the second voice— Peter according to the boss, though her mind yelled another name— did not wait around for a response. The door to Mr. Glass’s room slid open and her face stealing suspect slid inside. He let out a tired sigh and rubbed his temples. Then, he saw her.

His eyes were wide, but his voice was calm, albeit a bit strained. “Oh, Mrs. Rita. I wasn’t expecting you... Pardon me, but just how much of that did you hear?”

She gaped at him. “It really is just like Justin and Mika!”

His stolen eyebrows furrowed together. “Excuse me?”

“You’re Mika, ya know from the shows! Except you’re not Mika! And you ain’t whoever that Peter is either!”

“I can’t say I’m following—”

“Hush! You won’t trick me with your face stealin tricks! I ain’t gonna let ya fool the boss either, bub, so don’t even try it! No wonder Mistah Steel’s been so distressed, with you walkin around with his beloved face and stolen love notes!”

At that, the thief seemed to flush as his eyes darted towards the paper on the desk. “I knew I should have gotten rid of that... no matter now, though, I suppose the secret is out. I am still curious about the ‘face stealer’ comment, however.”

Gracious as she was, Rita provided him with an extensive description of Justin and Mika’s tragedy. She was used to the boss being so uncultured, but even for a people eatin trickster it was hard to believe he’d never seen it. Unlike Mistah Steel, however, Fake-Peter listened intently and never even cut in with a sarcastic comment. She had to admit, it was pretty refreshing.

When she’d finished, he regarded her with quiet amusement. “Well. That is very exciting, but I’m afraid the actual story is much less interesting. With the cat out of the bag, though, I might as well enlighten you.”

Rita wished she had brought snacks with her cause Mistah Peter’s story was almost as good as any of her shows. Martian artifacts and death trains, a tragic romance— the drama of it all was too much! But most shocking of all was that everything he said made sense with what the boss had told her about his disappearance the year before.

“Huh. So no face stealers then?”

“I’m afraid not,” he answered.

“Well that’s pretty unfortunate.”

Mr. Peter nodded in solemn agreement, but Rita didn’t intend to let her snooping go to waste. “Well, face stealer or not, you have GOT to tell me where ya got this color” she said, holding up a vial of nail polish she’d come across.

He grinned, apparently happy to brag about his collection. “It’s from earth— made from snake venom they say,” he explained. Then, when he saw her excitement, suggested: “you could try it if you’d like. I happen to be a certified nail technician on six planets.”

She grabbed his wrist and led him to the table, the theif letting out a small yelp as she exclaimed “oh boy I thought you’d never ask! I can show you some of that face stealer show too— I got it downloaded on my comms of course. And I expect more inside secrets on the boss, he drives me crazy with the whole mystery man thing, like jeez Mistah Steel I didn’t know your favorite color was such a sore spot—“

She went on in that manner for about fifteen minutes.

Peter it seemed, was a very good listener. Rita liked that in a person since she considered herself a very good talker.

“Oh dear! He didn’t just— Miss. Rita this is quite the show!”

“I know!!” She exclaimed, grinning. She could get used to this, and by the looks of it, so could Peter.

Now I realize we’ve been at this for some time already, but at the risk of derailing the dialogue you initiated, and may I just say how thrilled I am that you did, Karkat, I would just like qualify my entire analysis of your “Alternian culture” by saying that in contrast with life on Beforus, while your people may have been engaged in violent, lethal class struggle for millions of sweeps, by no means does this imply that the Beforan way of life was entirely without problematic elements, perhaps even more disturbing and insidious for their lack of acknowledgement and open discussion, particularly as a consequence of what in my view were widely and dismayingly unexamined systemic social injustices resulting from the entrenched power dynamics in play, dynamics strikingly similar to those of your planet’s markedly more bellicose iteration, which has only served to fully vindicate my hypothesis that such a hierarchy is really predicated on intrinsic dysfunction, and failure to shift all the usual narratives and undiagnosed problems into an open, judgment-free discourse through which problematic issues are constructively channeled into more intelligently problematized avenues of discussion. Now before I continue, it is only decent of me to warn you about certain triggers that are surely ahead in this essay. I mean conversation. Triggers include but likely will not be limited to class oppression, culling culture and violence against grubs, lusus abuse, complementary and analogous hate speech, pail filling, slurries and other concupiscent fluids, lifespan shaming, ableist slurs, prolix dissertation… Actually, maybe it would be easier for you to list your triggers, and I’ll do my best to avoid those topics, or navigate them more delicately, if at all possible? Great. It sounds like you don’t have any triggers, at least none that you know about. I’ll proceed with caution nevertheless. Just please let me know if you start feeling triggered by anything I’m saying, and we can take a brief time-out while you summon your moirail to help pacify you, assuming you have one. Not that I’m presuming you do, But I heard that you did, is that correct? If not, I apologize. I further apologize if your orientation precludes the possibility, as a pale aromantic, panquadrant demiromantic, something in the gray palesexual department or such, and hopefully you are not triggered by such presumptuous concillianormative language. It wouldn’t be the first time I was guilty of such an inexcusable microaggression, and I am not so oblivious to my own romantic privilege to believe it will be the last time either. I’m glad I brought up the subject of unexamined privilege, because it dovetails beautifully with the point I was about to make regarding beforan society and its savage umbral potentiality which later manifested through the kind of Alternian brutality you are all too familiar with. Those in the higher echelons of the hemospectrum such as the ceruleans, or “blue bloods” (careful, being loose with such terminology is opening the floodgates to a whole host of toxic signist language and hemophobic slurs), when addressing the challenges faced by those lower on the spectrum, such as the midhues or in particular warm castes like umbers, ochres, or “rust bloods” (another slur, highly problematic, deeply offensive and triggering terminology, strongly imploring you steer clear of this term), they would be well advised to check their cerulean privilege, particularly before dismissing hardships or marginalizing claims of oppression, which can be difficult for them to identify or empathize with from their advantageous position within the beforan//Alternian power structures. And some may argue that in our peaceful “utopian” culture that we have freed ourselves from injustice and disparities in privilege in a post-scarcity economy, largely equal rights distributed across the hemospectrum, and therefore exist in a “post-spectral world” (laugh out loud), and therefore there is no need to champion important social causes and there is nothing left to debate, but really nothing could be further from the truth. You just need to educate yourself and carefully investigate the longstanding power dynamics in play. For instance, a seemingly “harmless” remark from a cisblooded cerulean toward an umber or God forbid a burgundy or yes even a warm-identifying physically-cooler caste, about their very long term future plans such as on the order of centuries, then this may prove to be a very hurtful microagression due to the fact that lowhues cannot possibly live that long themselves, and the more priviliged caste could easily outlive dozens of generations of midhues or hundreds of generations of BUOYs (burgundy-umber-ochre-yellowgreens, note please avoid describing the lattermost as “lime bloods” as it has historically been used as an especially vicious epithet). Such remarks can further trigger painful reminders of how cooler castes, to some extent OJAs, but CIPs and Royal-Vs in particular, have been able to use their tremendous lifespans over the millenia to gain a stranglehold over the social order, have been able to completely dictate our societal evolution by ensuring only their cultural agendas and narratives receive the dialogue’s air supply, assuring the codification of those resultant ideals and deciding what “normalcy” entails, and sadly these absolutes become internalized across the full spectral range, even within those of most compromised privilege, and so you begin to see the cyclical nature of the dysfunction and the resulting inertia against positive change and raising awareness of the most underproblematized issues, which I think we can agree, is pretty problematic. And really, it’s everyone’s business to examine their privilege, even burgundies, who may be subject to the pitfall of believing incorrectly there are none on the scale beneath them whom they enjoy certain privileges over, which off-spectrum trolls will never know, such as those identifying as otherbloods or caste-multiples, “polyblooded”, any who hemoglobically ID as having a caste which manifests nowhere (as yet known) in anyone physically, or for that matter offspecs who physically do possess such a blood type, or “mutants” (VERY problematic term, highly triggering to some, be warned), such as you and I, Karkat. but this puts us both in a situation which to our knowledge uniquely allows us to understand and empathize with tragically underprivileged and unempowered groups across all scuttles of life, thus affording us both what I like to call a “uniquely underprivileged privilege”, which, yes, is a kind of privilege we should both strive to check as well, whenever we can. This same uniquely underprivileged perspective as I’m sure you know was disadvantaged upon my post-scratch iteration as well, and while I have no doubt you justifiably came to revere that figure of your planet’s rich history and your personal lineage, and while his goals of peace, equality, and a truly spectrablind society, I’m afraid I personally have trouble condoning his methods. I don’t like to use the term “problematic” lightly, but, well, his tactics were nothing if not massively problematic, to say the least, employing violent uprising to effect change, and emblazoning his mark upon history and his faithful followers with the salty flourish of a single rude, shouted swear word, it’s not to my taste even though he is who I would have grown up to be in another life. but no, I prefer to effect social change through rational, honest discourse and contributing to ongoing dialogues, focusing on what should be the real goals, through keen adherence to the discipline of Problematics, ensuring that we stay focused on successfully problematizing a wide range of direly undercomplicated social dilemmas. It’s nice to see we agree on so much. Maybe we are not so unalike, despite our drastically different upbringings. Anyway, as I was saying, the story of your ancestor, and more importantly my exhaustive list of misgivings with his approach to social change, is quite a long and elaborate one, but it actually fits brilliantly within the larger mosaic which captures the broad strokes of my post. I mean our discussion. Trigger warnings for the following content include: ancestor bashing, faith shaming, loud swearing, torture, burn wounds, ship sinking… again, seriously, just let me know if you begin to feel triggered by anything, even slightly. We’ll pause and see if we can really explore those issues, and identify exactly how I may have invalidated your struggles. Without further ado, the story is as follows:

𝗌𝖺𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝖽   ;   𝚊    𝑆𝐴𝑀   &   𝐿𝐴𝑁𝐴   𝚜𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗    𝟿   𝚖𝚒𝚡.    (   ft.   @racointeur​​.  ) 

𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐞.  both  perspectives.  serves  as  an  introduction  to  the  storyline,  as  well  as  the  title  of  the  mix.  it  references  them  properly  reconnecting  after  lana  moves  in  full-time  to  the  bunker  in  order  to  work  with  the  brothers  to  take  abaddon  down,  as  well  as  everything  that  entails  —  vulnerability,  growing  attachment,  them  relying  on  eachother  regarding  their  respective  scars  (  lana’s  fear  of  failure  avenging  her  parents,  sam’s  aftermath  of  the  trials  +  gadreel’s  possession ),  the  looming  threat  of   heartbreak  if  that  happened  to  be  ripped  away  from  them,  and  ultimately?  the  dare  to  keep  loving  eachother  anyway.

𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐞 𝐦𝐞.  lana’s  perspective.   takes  place  once  she’s  joined  team  free  will,  and  not  only  have  they  discovered  dean  needs  to  take  on  the  mark,  but  lana  realizes  her  initial  plan  to  turn  abaddon  human  with  her  blade  might  be  the  end  of  her,  as  it  takes  its  power  from  earthly  magic  and  her  legacy  blood   —  however,  she  doesn’t  tell  sam  or  anyone  about  this,  and  her  worst  nightmare  of  not  being  good  enough  for  the  mission  she’s  been  gearing  up  for  most  her  life  becomes  reality.   filled  with  anxious  self-doubt,  innerly  screaming  and  gasping  for  help,  lana  keeps  her  realization  to  herself  and  instead  convinces  sam  to  get  to  abaddon  before  dean  does,  so  he’ll  be  freed  from  the  burden  of  the  mark.

𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠.  sam’s  perspective.  a  reflection  of  lana  and  sam’s  evolution  as  a  team,  following  the  trail  of  abbadon’s  soul-snatching  mission  to  build  herself  an  army  around  the country.  for  the  first  time  in  a  while,  hopeful  odds  are  lingering  in  the  air,  and  neither  sam  or  lana  are  holding  back  to  make  good  on  those  odds   —  even  if  they  know  in  the  back  of  their  minds  they’re  getting  too  close  for  their  own  good,  both  to  abaddon  and,  most  importantly,  to  eachother.

𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.  both  perspectives.  sam  finds  that  lana  hasn’t  been  entirely  transparent  with  her,  as  she  drives  off  in  the  middle  of  the  night  and  lies  about  where  she’s  really  going   —   lawrence’s  cemetery,  which  sam  figures  out  due  to  it  being  the  anniversary  of  her  parents’  death.  he  can’t  understand  why  she’s  pulling  away  when  he’s  right  there  for  her,  and  as  he  goes  to  find  her,  he  asks  her  to  let  him  in  next  time  she’s  struggling  inside,  like  he’d  do  her.  this  is  followed  by  sam’s  fallout  with  dean,  in  which  lana  asks  sam  to  not  hide  the  pain  and  difficult  feelings  this  stirs,  and,  only  in  her  head,  she  wonders  if  now  that  it  seems  like  the  right  time  they  could  cross  the  line  of  facing  the  years  of  unspoken  confessions  between  them  together.

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐤.  lana’s  perspective.  pretty  self-explanatory  in  the  sense  that  she  knows  she’s  a  ticking  timebomb,  because  she  can  feel  the  impatience  and  frustration  build  up  inside  her  as  time  goes  on  and  she  comes  to  accept  the  magnitude  of  what  her  secret  hole  in  her  plan  entails.  however,  she’s  still  able  to maintain  a  cool  head,  as  she  now  has  a  very  important  asset  she  used  to  long  for  —  sam  there  to  catch  her  if  she  falls,  and  so  she  manages  to  push  her  deprecating  thoughts  aside  and  to  honor  their  vow  of  partnership  and  full-disclosure.  almost  full-disclosure,  anyway.

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞.  sam’s  perspective.  after  their  first  failed  attempt  to  execute  their  plan  on  abaddon,  and  therefore  them  being  on  her  radar  even  moreso  than  before,  lana’s  attempts  to  act  like  the  encounter  didn’t  affect  her  deeply  are  in  vain,  as  sam  knows  her  too  good  to  actually  believe  it.  the  shame,  the  terror  not  to  be  good  enough,  to  have  fallen  too  far  to  love,  even  —  it’s  all  right  there  in  her  eyes,  and  they  have  a  heart  to  heart  about  all  she’s  been  shoving  down  and  not  allowing  herself  to  process.  while  she  tries  to  believe  all  the  words  he  says,  she  can’t.  not  that  night,  anyway.

𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐲.   both  perspectives.  a  calm  moment  amidst  the  storm,  few  nights  later,  after  a  very  much  appreciated  win,  succeeding  in  saving  a  group  of  teenagers  from  being  recruited  by  one  of  abaddon’s  lap-dogs  to  give  up  their  souls  back  in  topeka.   after  shortly  passing  through  their  senior  prom,  lana  puts  on  some  music  in  the  bunker  out  of  nostalgia  for  her  own  when  she  thought  sam  was  heading  off  for  some  shut-eye,  but  instead,  he  asks  her  for  a  dance,  make  up  for  lost  time,  and  so  once  she  wraps  her  head  around  the  idea  he’s  being  serious,  she  obviously  agrees.  i  won’t  drag  this  on  and  i’ll  just  say  that  the  lyrics  are  quite  fitting  to  all  they’ve  been  going  through  and  all  they  won’t  directly  say  to  eachother  okay,  okay.

𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐟.  lana’s  perspective.  however,  paradise  in  their  little  bubble  doesn’t  last  forever,  and  as  the  stakes  keep  getting  higher  and  the  end  of  the  line  comes  nearer  and  nearer,  doubt  turns  into  recklessness,  and  at  this  point,  she  isn’t  looking  for  a  salvation  or  a  safe  haven,  all  she  wants  is  to  get  the  job  done,  and  find  peace  in  that,  whatever  it  takes.  (  in the free fall i will realize i'm better off when i hit the bottom.  )

𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲.  sam’s  perspective.  the  beginning  of  the  end.  (  hear your voice on the phone, and my heart just died when you said you're not going home.  where are you, are you safe?  )  lana  goes  solo  to  check  out  a  lead  that  came  out  of  nowhere,  argumenting  it’s  just  a  quick  follow-up,  but  truth  is  she’s  gotten  too  ambitious  and  impatient  as  well  as  careless,  and  deep  down,  she  believes  this  is  her  fight  and  shouldn’t  be  dragging  sam  into  it  for  safety  anymore.  he  isn’t  convinced  by  this  and  reinforces  the  idea  she  doesn’t  have  to  go  run  away  and  deal  with  things  on  her  own,  and  as  she  tells  him  where  she’s  headed,  a  crash  is  heard  on  that  end  of  the  line.

𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐲.  lana’s  perspective.  the  flash  of  a  cheshire  smile  hit  her retina, an  eerily familiar  silhouette  lingering  in  her  rearview  mirror  right  before  the  consequences  for  all  the  barking  up  on  all  the  right  trees  she’d  been  doing  the  last  few  months  came  a-knocking.  abaddon  had  set  out  a  trap  for  her,  and  she’d  fallen  right  into  it.  she  soon  lost  control  of  her  car,  steering  wheel  violently  swerving  and  resulting  in  a  couple  overturns  before  the  car  landed  back  on  the  road.  blurred  vision  was  blinded  by  the  shine  of  her  own  headlights,  the  ringing  in  her  ears  slowly  fading,  as  the  woman  who  ordered  her  life  destroyed   parsimoniously   walked  her  way  towards  her  shattered  windshield.   it  was  at  the  sight  of  a  weapon  that  lana  pulled  out  hers  and  shot  a  devil’s  trap  bullet  at  her,  before  abaddon  beat  her  to  pulling  the  trigger.  then,  a  much  more  comforting  silhouette  was  revealed,  and  suddenly,  she  felt  her  body  being  pulled  out  of  the  car,  and  she  knew  everything  would  be  okay.  despite  not  being  sure  deserving  it  to  be  after  what  she’d  just  done

𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞.  sam’s  perspective.  when  he  gets  off  the  car,  first  thing  he  hears  is  a  gunshot,  and  first  thing  he  sees,  is  lana  inside  her  wrecked  car.  a  fear  of  loss  he  hadn’t  felt  in  decades  crept  in,  and  so  he  ran  to  where  she  was  stranded,  only  to  see  she  hadn’t  been  the  one  receiving  the  bullet   —  he  knew  relief  would  be  short-lived,  'cause  despite  looking  back  and  seeing  abaddon  had  dropped  on  one  knee  and  fled,  the  battle  was  only  going  to  be  uphill  now,  but  right  now  all  he  could  think  about  was  getting  lana  to  the  bunker  safe  and  sound,  in  spite  of  how  scared  he  was  she’d  been  hasty  enough  to  let  something  like  that  happen.  

𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧.  both  perspectives.  once  the  adrenaline  from  the  accident  wears  off,  a  conversation  to  address  what  just  went  down  is  initiated,  and  it  isn’t  a  peaceful  one  at  that.  as  much  as  lana  realizes  she’s  made  a  huge  mistake  and  had  a  bit  of  a  wake-up  call  as  for  how  little  of  a  team  player  she’s  been  in  service  of  vengeance,  having  that  be  the  end  of  it  isn’t  an  option  anymore  after  sam  saw  her  almost  die  in  that  car.  the  situation’s  spun  out  of  control,  and  he’s  desperate  to  have  her  pull  her  act  together,  but  right  now,  she  isn’t  a reliable  partner.  this  leads  to  a  discussion  in  which  both  admit  to  some  hurtful  wrongdoings,  such  as  sam  turning  a  blinder  eye  than  he  could’ve  to  previous  red  flags  in  service  of  how  good  it  felt  to  have  their  relationship  grow  as  it  was,  and  lana  not  being  honest  about  the  risks  of  her  using  the  blade,  as  well  as  her  ultimate  disregard  to  said  risks.  sam  feels  that’s  incredibly  detrimental,  not  to  say  selfish,  considering  she  knew  how  integral  she’d  become  to  their  lives again,  but  specially  his.   lana  knows  he’s  right,  but  at  the  same  time,  she  let  this  overwhelming  sense  of  duty  wash  over  her,  and  she  felt  more  a  soldier  than  anyone  worthy  of  the  affection  he  was  describing.  they  both  realize  they’ve  gotten  way  too  close  to  one  another,  and  so  it’s  all  left  in  a  sour  note,  whether  they  could  go  back  to  the  way  they’d  been  or  come  back  from  this  remaining  unclear.

𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞.  both  perspectives.  silent  treatment,  basically.  the  full  gang  is  reunited,  sam  told  dean  about  the  fault  in  lana’s  plan,  and  so  they  go  back  to  figuring  out  another  way.  lana  is  still  around,  but  sam  and  her  haven’t  properly  spoken  since  their  fight  and  so  they  just  linger  around,  telling  themselves  it’s  better  that  way,  but  really,  having  no  clue  what  the  odds  to  being  alone  really  are.

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥.  lana’s  perspective.   ultimately,  abaddon  is  cut  up  and  buried  with  the  devil’s  trap  bullet  inside  her,  and  the  boys  hand  her  over  to  lana  to  fulfill  what  she’s  been  longing  and  preparing  herself  to  do  her  entire  hunting  life.  the  weight  of  a  decade  lifts  off  her  shoulders,  and  the  second  she  drives  her  blade  into  abbadon’s  heart  to  make  her  human,  justice  for  her  family  is  conquered.  after  she  has  her  little  heart-to-heart  with  abaddon  and  that  chapter  of  her  life  is  done,  she realizes  just  how  buried  in  her  desire  for  fair  resolution  she’s  been,  and  how  she  lost  the  single  most  valuable  person  in  her life  —  and  she  refuses  that  to  be  how  the  story  ends,  even  if  that  means  her  doing  what  she  hasn’t  had  the  guts  to  in  fifteen  years.   (  i was born to tell you i love you, and i am torn to do what i have to, to make you mine.  stay with me tonight.  )

𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝.  lana’s  perspective.  knuckles  knock  on  bedroom’s  door,  her  feet  heavier  than  ever  before  as  she  sets  out  to  confess  what’s  been  inside  her  heart  for  as  long  as  she  can  remember,  very  aware  of  the  fact  she  won’t  come  back  out  to  that  corridor  the  same  she  entered,  whatever  his  answer  was.   it  was  clear  to  lana  after  putting  to  bed  the  war  that’d  kept  her  going  for  the  entirety  of  her  adult  life,  she’d  have  to  take  a  step  back  and  reassess  the  choices  she’d  made  as  well  as  the  choices  she  had  yet  to  take,  choose  what  she  wanted  her  path  to  be  from  then  on.  and  so  she  realized  there  was  another  battle  that’d  kept  her  going  when  nothing  else  would,  and  that  was  sam.  no  matter  how  much  she  tried  to  only  see  him  as  her  best  friend,  because  she  knew  that’s  probably  what  he  wanted  her  to  do,  he  wasn’t  just  that  —  he  was  her  soulmate.  she  carried  him  with  her  everywhere  she  went,  he  made  her  want  to  be  a  better  person,  and  he  knew  her  better  than  anyone  else.  she  was  aware  of  his  reservations  towards  romantic  feelings,  which  were  well-founded,  but  there  were  two  alternatives;  either  leave  for  a  while  to  figure  out  what  her  life  looked  like  without  him,  or  figuring  out  what  it  looked  like  with  him.  the  choice  was  his  to  make.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲.  sam’s  perspective.  which  would  weigh  more   —   fear  of  another  loss  at  the hands  of  his  seemingly  cursed  kiss,  or  watching  her  walk  away?  taking  a  chance  on  love,  or  having  lana  gone  by  his  own  decision?

𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐮𝐬: 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.   a  more  modern  take  on  what  their  final  take-me-or-leave-me  situation  could’ve  looked  like,  as  the  night  abaddon  turned  human  was  the  last  night  of  lana’s  past  life,  and  it  was  sam’s  too,  as  life  as  he  knew  it  with  lana  around  was  heavily  jeopardized  now  that  she’d  reached  her  goal.  both  feel  at  a  crossroads,  and  acknowledge  they  used  eachother  for  support  and  solace,  as  well  as  not  opening  up  completely  to  one  another.  if  lana  could  make  herself  feel  platonically  for  him,  she  would,  and  if  sam  could  leave  aside  his  endless  second-guessing  on  his  happiness,  he  would   —   but  will  they  ever?

GHOST – “I would say by early 2021, you can expect the next chapter of the Ghost story.” TOBIAS FORGE

From the underground to a bonafide global take-over, GHOST are fast becoming the most-talked about band in Metal music today, with legions of fans dedicating their total and utter commitment to the bands every move. Overdrive sat down with one Tobias Forge to discuss the bands success and that all important new album…

The spectacular rise of GHOST is a success story that nobody could have predicted. From their captivating live show’s, to a rich discography that continues to win over armies of fans the world over, GHOST are fast becoming one of the biggest bands in today’s current global Metal/Rock scene.

From the projects birth back in 2006 to conquering American arenas, winning a Grammy for ‘Best Metal Performance‘ (2016), headlining their first UK festival at Bloodstock Open Air (2017), selling out the iconic Royal Albert Hall (2018) and now, floating around Europe as very special guests with the biggest metal band the world has ever seen, Metallica.

One could say that that the Cardinal and his Ghouls are in a rather good place right now.

Prior to taking the stage for their Irish debut before 75 thousand fans (no pressure), Ghostmastermind, Tobias Forge is calmly hanging out in the enormous the backstage compound with his band members and crew, happily sipping on a hot coffee and eager to talk about his excitement in playing the impressive Slane Castle venue.

OD – Firstly, let me congratulate you on the continuous success of GHOST. From the outside, it’s been an incredible few years for the band. My question is how has it been for you personally, from the success of the album (s), playing to stadiums in the US, and now this tour with Metallica?

TOBIAS – Absolutely! I have moments where I have to step back and take it all in. You see, I’m not a very ‘in the moment‘ type of person. In fact, I’ve always been very distant and I guess a ‘dreamy‘ sort of person. If I look back on my life so far and I think about how I spent my childhood, I guess this comes with age and it comes from the fact of also being a parent because when you’re a parent, you can’t help to look at your kids from an upbringing point of view where you have to think about our progress.

I found myself asking the question;”Well, how did we do when we were younger?” [Laughing]. I guess there is a certain amount of reflection you have to do as an adult and now, for me, especially being an artist, I tend to have to think about my life and the journey I’ve had growing up and I’ve come to realise that very little has changed. I have spent my whole life drawing, writing and dreaming about doing all of these things that I’m now getting the opportunity to do.

So, at some point, that dreamy, adolescent looser just like, transgressed into this person who could go back into childhood again. The backside of that is sometimes, I have to remind myself that I’ve gone past the point of wishing to get here, and understand the realisation that this is actually happening. Like today for instance, getting to play this infamous venue, (Slane Castle) is huge for me. I’ve known about this place since the ’80’s.

I have a bit of a ‘now‘ moment with this today, but what often happens is that I play a certain venue, or meet a particular person and it’s like that moment just happens and I’m looking in from the outside, but afterwards I’m like; “WOW!” [Laughing]

OD – You recently did your first unmasked television interview, considering the history and the mystic of Papa Emeritus / Cardinal Copia was this a difficult decision for you to make and why did you feel that this was the time to do it?

TOBIAS – I think I thought and pondered for many, many years and at a certain point, in fact on that very day, it was one of those kind of ‘rip the bandaid off‘ kind of moments. Let’s just get it over with, no drumroll, no fanfare, let’s just move on. I try to be super transparent with this, but my choice of trying to be anonymous or should I say “masked” because anonymous is when no-one knows who you are. That choice was purely an aesthetic choice based on how I wanted this project, this band, this concept to become.

It was not my personal choice, because I don’t want to be famous, or a well known rock musician. So, fast forward to right now and when I look back, I have been involved with some very well-known bands and I’ve had my own share of recognition, so really, I don’t have a desire to become more famous. Bearing that in mind, I was noticing over the years that trying to maintain that vague order was causing a few problems and issues with the whole thing.

There was definitely moments when there was discussions and demands and enquiries about what can we do in order to enhance things. So, I figured well, at some point when I feel that the concept, or the band, or the name and it’s visual aspects are big and strong enough to stand on its own, I can do a thing like that unmasked interview, and hopefully whatever we are doing aesthetically and what we choose to present to the world, that will still be more interesting and better than anything I have to do on the side to appease journalists.

OD – What do you think of the critics who don’t look to favourably on what you do?

TOBIAS  – Well, traditionally I’ve noticed that the critics that are critical of the band have been so since day one. Often a lot of the times the shit that people click on is criticism that is not really meant to be positive or productive anyway. I’ve been very vocal towards those people and have to remind them that what I set this project/band out to be, happened to get very popular to an extent that I didn’t foresee.

There are people who say: “Ghost was way better back in 2010” and as a rock fan myself, we can start where my collection begins from ‘A’ and I too will have some critical things to say about each album/artists. That’s just the way things go. You can’t please everybody all the time.

OD – There has been reports of entering the studio for 2020, is this still something that is very likely and is the intention to release the album next year or 2021 or is it too early to think about that right now?

TOBIAS – I think about it all the time.  But, let me be very transparent here. I am indeed going into the studio where I will be beginning the work in January. We’re doing another American tour in September/October and then we’re gonna come back to Europe and that is gonna take us right up until Christmas basically.

So, after New Year’s we are gonna have maybe one or two small things at the beginning of the year and then it’s gonna be all about the new album.

People need to understand that I spend about 5 to 6 months in the studio. That’s not with red lights going or anything [Laughing]. But it’s just being in that creative environment you know? I also try to work ‘normal’ hours because I have a family also so, I try to work traditional hours, you know. I like to come in on Monday morning at about 9 am/10 am and then I do normal stuff like have lunch and think about what’s going on, and then I wrap up for the day and head home and see my family.

In order to make that record, it’s gonna take me about 6 months and then that’s gonna take me to the Summer, which we’ve already decided we’re gonna take a break a let the dust settle, and then hopefully by the end of the summer the record will be finished.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on how you see it, the US elections are happening, so bearing that in mind, it’s not the best time to release new material when peoples minds are focused on other things. I just want to make sure that when we release this new album, we have peoples attention.

OD – So, you’re hoping that the album is going to be ready by late Summer then?

TOBIAS – Well, that’s the plan but in the event that it’s not finished, it’s gonna be okay. I don’t want to stress the situation. Every record I’ve done has been under some type of time restraint, even ‘Opus Eponymous‘ (2010), that album was on a very tight schedule. It was definitely last minute [Laughing]. I just want to make sure that I have enough time to release the album that I’m thoroughly happy with.

When strategising about where Ghost is right now and where we want to go moving forward, we have to be aware of all the possibilities regarding the best time to release the new album.

OD – I’m sure you have big ambitions for the production of the new album also?

TOBIAS – Yes, totally. We now have the pleasure of playing in much bigger venues all over the world and with that comes the fact that there are a lot of tickets to sell. I hate to talk about it in this way, but it’s a huge part of this business. We have to take great care in everything we do now. Like the best time to announce a tour, a new album, as well as the best time of the year to release the new album. There’s loads of things to take into consideration.

OD – Do you think that some of the previous album releases were not timed well?

TOBIAS – Yes, some of our previous releases were not released at a time that was in our favour. In fact, I have memories of things being very stressful at times. At this point in the bands legacy, it’s far too important to just release the next album with no plan or strategy put in place first. Also, it’s very important that we give the production of the album a few weeks of rehearsal. Basically, we have to plan it like a rocket launch [Laughing].

OD – So, when do you see this album finally being released?

TOBIAS – I would say by early 2021, you can expect the next chapter of the Ghost story.

OD – With regards to each character, do you have an overall plan of what will be happening or is it something that are inspired about with the writing of each album. Does the writing of the album determine the character we will see when it’s eventually released?

TOBIAS – Well, at first there was no masterplan, but now there is one. A lot of the things that have been communicated over the last few years will be fined tuned and explained in the coming years.

OD – Can you give me an example?

TOBIAS – Well, there will be a number of non-album things that are going to happen. This will all happen in tandem with the overall story. These things might be happening next year also.

Even in the void of 2020 not really being an active year for us in terms of live performances, there will be other things that we will be doing in the interim where there’s going to be an album made.

OD – So, would you say that things are more conceptional now than ever?

TOBIAS – Yes, totally. In the beginning there is was lucid, but things have changed in a huge way.

OD – Have you ever considered making a documentary or perhaps releasing a book about your life?

TOBIAS – Well this can tie in with a previous answer that we have already spoken about. At some point or another, during the high points of Ghost, I’m sure there are people that would be interested in reading about my thoughts and my background. But I feel like I’m not really there yet, if you know what I mean.

I feel that I have a lot more to do, before I can think about something like that. Right now if feels like thinks are ever progressing and it just doesn’t feel like the moment where I need to document everything to date. I mean, who knows what’s gonna happen but for all I know, all of this could go tits-up in four years from now.  If that happens then I can look back and reminisce when it’s all over.

I just don’t feel like I’m anywhere near the end. I’m gonna be 4o years-old in 2 years time and i’ve got a lot more to do even before I hit that age.

OD – Do you worry about getting old?

TOBIAS – Not really. In fact here’s a little life hack about feeling better about your age. I have a lot of friends who are much older than me. Not only is that very interesting socially, but if I have any issues with the concept of ageing, sometimes it’s great to have older friends whom you can use as a sort of barometer.

I have a lot of respect for my older friends. I think to myself; “If I was half as cool as my friends, I would be very happy with that“. The concept of ageing is definitely hated by a lot of people. At the end of the day, regardless of all of this, my plan is to become a really cool 50-year-old [Laughing].

OD – Do you think it’s important to have role models that are older?

TOBIAS – Yes, very much so. You can not stare yourself blind at the idea of youth being the only state worthy of being because that will greatly disappoint you.

OD – So far, what has been your biggest personal achievement?

TOBIAS – Hmmmm, there are many to choose from. [Thinking..] I think the biggest achievement for me and what I really feel blessed about is..there’s not really a word that can encapsulate what I’m thinking here. Let me try to explain.

From a family point of view, knowing where we were and what our options and possibilities were 1o years ago when our kids were born to present day. I am extremely proud and happy and thankful that I managed to steer things around to something very different. I’m not saying that everything would be crap had all of this not worked out as we were still very happy back then.

I’m very happy that it turned out this way because I got to be one of the few that got to live out a childhood dream. Music really is the only thing that I can do intuitively. I’m quite able to do this and I get better at it with age [Laughs]. But, there is a lot of things that I can’t do, and I don’t exactly know if it’s because I didn’t do that certain exam or for another reason.

I have a hard time concentrating when I’m faced with doing things I don’t really like doing.

OD – How did you back in school?

TOBIAS – I actually wasn’t really good in school [Laughing]. I have no scholastic background, so basically the outlook 10 years ago, had this not happened, did not look that good.

OD – There are few (if no other) bands that have managed to achieve the success that GHOST is currently experiencing, although it’s an exciting and wonderful thing, surely that, in its own right, is a huge achievement for you?

TOBIAS – Up until I was 29 years old, I was on the outside looking into the music industry, trying to figure out a way in [Laughing] and during this time, this industry was not interested in having me as part of it.

Since I was a ‘late bloomer‘ in this business and I got this very coveted opportunity, I feel that my biggest achievement is doing the right things at the right time. This is a highly strange situation for me at times. For instance we are a crew of 25 people here today. I’m not setting up the stage, tuning the guitars etc… I’m expected to put my shit on and get up on that stage, do a little dance and sing my songs in the somewhat correct key [Laughing]

If I have to talk about someone else that made all of this happen, it’s my wife, who gave me the freedom and the pass to continue to chase my dreams when things were just starting to happen.

I remember her saying; “Why don’t you quit your job and just go for it?”

OD – At what point in time did this happen?

TOBIAS – Only a couple of months after Opus Eponymous came out. I was in a critical moment in time. I was employed in a position at a company doing a job that I was not really good at, and I didn’t really enjoy nor felt any value in doing.

She then said to me one day; “It seems like some good things are happening with your ‘rock dreams’, so why don’t you just quit your job and try that? It’s not like your job is worth anything to you. So, you can just do that and if it doesn’t work out, then at least you’ve tried it”.

When I look back on that and realise what she helped me do, most people don’t get that break. Most people who are in a relationship and are grown up, with children, just don’t get a pass like that.

Of course, my Mother also was a huge support for me. When I was in school, she was very saddened that I was such a poor performer and we went to many of the school teacher meetings where there were saying things like; “What can we do to aid you?” [Laughing] and my Mom was like [crying sound] “I don’t know what you want to do with your life“.

Meanwhile I’m over there in the corner being obnoxious, telling teachers to “go fuck themselves“. My Mom had to deal with a lot of worrying and hoping that life will fall in place for me. And by 2010 she was finally beginning to think; ‘Maybe this ‘rock’ thing is actually gonna work out!“, because I finally had a job and with two kids etc..

OD – As Mother’s do, she stood by you all the way.

TOBIAS – Yes, she believed in me.

OD – She’s been to the shows I’m assuming. She know’s all about the ‘Cardinal’ then?

TOBIAS – [Laughing] Yes, she’s been there and loves it. She is not an authoritarian. My Mom was born in the ’40’s and is very “arty“. She was very much a part of the ’60’s generation. In fact, a little bit of side information for you. My Mom bought my first and my second guitar.

OD – What kind of guitar was it and do you still have it?

TOBIAS – Unfortunately, I don’t have that guitar. Ironically, since we’re here with Metallica today, the first guitar that I had was a black Fernandes Strat,  just like the one that Kirk (Hammet, Metallica) had on the cover of the original “Garage Days‘ ’87 release.

That was my first guitar and I was so proud that I had the same guitar that Kirk Hammet had and here I am today, sitting backstage on tour with Metallica. Talk about full circle in life. It’s mind-blowing for me, it really is.

OD – I guess there was no hesitation when the Metallica offer came in then?

TOBIAS – I believe the term used was; “A stone-cold no-brainer‘ [Laughing]. It really felt like it was the right time to do this much more than say, if we were given this tour six or seven years ago.

OD – I remember the first time I ever saw Ghost live was back at the 2011 UK Download Festivaland you were on the Pepsi-Max tent, during Soundgarden’s performance on the main stage. There was only a couple of hundred people in that tent but that show was fantastic.

TOBIAS – I remember that show. Phil Anselmo and the guys from Anthrax were standing on the side of the stage watching. That was a really big show for us as we almost cancelled because we did a show in Sweden the night before and we just about didn’t make the journey. It happened because it was very much based on my will to play Donington Park.

Not only were we seen by a lot of cool people, but also that was when our now manager saw us perform for the very first time. I didn’t know that she would end up managing us at the time but it was because of that performance that things took a huge turn for us.

Ghost is very much a collective effort in many ways, from the people that work with us, our crew, techs, management, band members etc, they are all responsible for making this happen. That show was very much a landmark gig that changed the course of the bands destiny.

So, the message here kids is don’t cancel shows, you just don’t know what might happen. [Laughing] Just be cool to everyone because you just don’t know who you’re dealing with. One day a stage hand, or lighting tech, could very well become the next big label, booking agent etc. Just be cool to everyone all the time.

Catch GHOST on tour with Metallica NOW. US dates have also just been announced. Check out the full listing above. For more information, please click here.

ALL RIGHTS OWNED BY OVERDRIVE.IE

I’m sorry to be a bother to you, and if you do not feel comfortable answering my question, I’m perfectly fine with either being unanswered or you can message me privately, whichever you wish. I was intrigued by your tag regarding the Jewish shooting. ‘You chose this and don’t regret it’ which I 100% applaud you for. Can I ask why you chose Judaism? The appeal for you I mean, cause if not mistaken you said your a recent convertee, correct? I apologize if this feels rude, just truly curious.

This is a very personal thing, but I guess I don’t feel that weird about answering it, for whatever reason, and sometimes it’s fun for me to talk about this stuff. Because it’s…I mean, it was a pretty big thing that I did. I feel like I don’t always absorb that, but…converting into Judaism is a pretty serious project. People compare it to an adoption, and I think there’s a truth to that.

There were a few reasons. The initial push was because of @ameliarating. We’d been in a relationship for a number of years, and were talking about our future together, and it was becoming increasingly clear that there was this big part of her life that I wasn’t a part of, and that was hard on us both. There was this piece of her that I couldn’t touch, that I was separate from, and I felt weird about it, and I know she struggled with it too. We had a lot of super emotional conversations. I wrestled a lot with the idea of converting. 

I grew up Christian - my family went to church every Sunday. I started drifting away from it for a variety of reasons in middle school, but I kept going anyway, mostly out of habit. I didn’t feel much of a connection, though. I didn’t really know what I believed. I didn’t really feel like I believed in God, or Jesus, or felt any kind of resonance with the experience. It didn’t feel special to me. There was just…nothing there. So the idea of taking up a new religion was…a confusing and difficult one, and got tangled up with some other personal issues. But ultimately, for a variety of reasons, I decided to go ahead with it. 

So that was where I started, but when I make up my mind to do something I tend to kind of…throw myself into it with both feet. I’d been asking Amelia questions about Judaism for years, watching her practice. I was always curious, always interested, because when people I care about are invested in things I tend to get interested in them (and also because I’m just a curious person). I had a little bit of a background of knowledge, and that gave me a grounding to start from. I started seeing a rabbi on my own, picked up some books to start reading, started going to classes - studying. 

And over the course of the just over a year I spent in the conversion process, I really started connecting with Judaism on my own. One of the things that drew me in first was the ritual. The patterns that guide you through the week, and through each service - the blessings that you say, the songs you sing. And the knowledge, I think very powerfully, that these are all things that other Jews have been saying for thousands of years. That there’s a line of continuity going back and back and back, and now I’m a part of that. There’s something very powerful about that on its own, and regardless of faith, I feel like there’s a holiness in and of itself in that kind of repetition. It engraves something in the world. 

Another thing is the grounding in study. I’m an intellectual in a lot of ways. I thrive on academia, on reading and learning and examining and discussing texts, and that is a major part of being Jewish. There’s a huge emphasis on the importance of study, and a tradition of analysis and re-analysis and re-re-analysis, of commentary and conversation and debate. And that’s all stuff that I love. The energy of digging into a text and unearthing new pieces from it, new interpretations, new thoughts - or just reading old thoughts and turning them over in my head to see what I make of them. Judaism is a religion that argues and self-interrogates constantly, and always has. In the Talmud, while there is usually a final ruling on law, the minority opinion stays there. There’s something very expressive about that inclusion, I think - that even if it’s not the majority decision, it still remains present, written down.

Tied to that is the way that Judaism is a very dialectical religion. I am a person who has a lot of ambivalence. Who exists in tension, in a lot of ways, often caught between two ideas, holding both of them in her head at the same time. And that’s something that’s very much present and encouraged in Judaism, in my experience - a lot of things are built around holding two things in your head at once, two opposites at the same time, and balancing those two things without letting one necessarily overcome the other. I really, really like that. 

I’ve also just found…such a beauty and a power and a strength in my adoptive communities. So much welcome and warmth and a willingness to embrace me, and take me in, without hesitation. On the Shabbat after I converted, when I went to my first service as a Jew (I’d been going for a while, but), got my first aliyah - the enthusiasm and joy with which people responded - coming up to dance in a circle, singing - was I think what set in stone for me that this was where I wanted to be.

Untold Tales of Spider-Man 02: After the First Death… – by Tom DeFalco

A story that has me debating the nature of these stories.

A soggy Spidey swings through rainy Manhattan looking for crime shots for the Daily Bugle. He comes upon Kent and Wayne Weisinger on the roof of Stockbridge Jewelers, planning to rob it. Confident that he can end the fight anytime he wants to, Spidey stretches it out so that his automatic camera can take as many photos as possible. Kent and Wayne have a longstanding sibling rivalry marked by Kent's resentment of being the "muscle" to Wayne's "brains" along with feeling that his brother always cheats him. During the fight, Kent appears to charge at Spidey but when the web-slinger leaps out of the way, Kent doesn't stop, charging into Wayne and knocking him off the roof. Wayne falls five stories to his death and all the by-standers think Spidey did it. Guiltily, Spidey flees, forgetting about Kent altogether.

So, Kent goes to Wayne's estranged wife Jeannette to tell her the news. "Solid ice," Jeannette could care less about Wayne's death except that she's lost her meal ticket. When Kent blames the death on Spider-Man, Jeannette gets an idea on how to cash in.

In fact, Peter Parker seems to be the only one emotionally affected by Wayne's death. He has a sleepless night, trying to cope with the situation. Unguarded, he admits to J. Jonah Jameson that he has photos of the incident. His resolve to not sell the photos is beaten down by Jameson's arm-twisting and his own need for money. He sells the pictures and is then introduced to Jeannette, now the grieving widow of Wayne, who has come to JJJ for help in instituting a civil suit against Spider-Man. At school, Peter's conscience makes him counter Flash Thompson's avowal that "Spidey's no murderer" with "Maybe the wall-crawler didn't actually kill the man... but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held accountable for what happened." Back in action, Spidey hesitates over stopping a purse-snatcher, fearful that he may cause another tragedy. Back home, Peter doesn't know what to do. He recalls that Uncle Ben's death made him swear, "that no innocent person would ever again be made to suffer because Spider-Man had failed to act. It had never occurred to him that anyone would suffer because of Spider-Man's acts." And while Wayne wasn't exactly innocent, "he had suffered because Peter had acted irresponsibly." He ends up having one of those vague discussions with Aunt May where he can't tell her any details because she doesn't know he's Spider-Man, yet she manages to hit the nail on the head, telling him in this case, "Everybody makes mistakes, Peter. You just try to learn from your failures as best you can, and you move on. You'll always get another chance to do better as long as you keep at it."

Meanwhile, Jeannette decides to kick Kent out of the deal and keep any anticipated profits for herself. So even as Spidey sucks it up and gets back into action, proving himself a hero, Kent decides he's not going to be kicked around anymore, buttonholes a TV reporter and gives an interview in which he reveals "that he deliberately pushed his elder brother off the roof of Stockbridge Jewelers because of numerous past frustrations." At Midtown High, Flash crows over Spidey's exoneration but Peter won't let the web-slinger off so easily. "A real hero would have found a way to save Wayne Weisinger" he says, "He would have acted smarter, reacted quicker, or behaved more responsibly... And that's something Spider-Man will have to live with for the rest of his life."

Because these are untold tales, prose stories and utilize the comic book continuity you can analyse them from several different angles and their worth changes depending upon those angles.

 Chiefly this boils down to whether I judge this as a story unto itself or within the context of comic book continuity as it existed back then? What about the fact that I’m here in 2020 evaluating a prose book written in 1990 that’s trying to synch up with comic book stories written in the 1960.

 It boggles the mind. All I can do is write about how I feel.

 I liked this story unto itself and within the context of this book. I think, kind of like the last story, that it doesn’t really integrate into Spider-Man’s comic book history.

 The emotional journey of Peter in this story involves learning that he needs to be careful about how he acts. In this regard it’s rather similar to his lesson from Gwen’s death, which is kind of my problem. This story’s title implies this is in fact the very first time Spider-Man has experienced death ‘on the job’ as it were.

Surely such a thing would weigh on his mind more, surely it’d crop up when he dwells on the list of people he’s seen die or feels guilty about dying. Or at least he’d be reminded of Wayne’s death when Gwen dies.

In the comics of course Wayne has never ever been mentioned. Duh, because he didn’t exist until DeFalco invented him for this story. Of course we could draw comparisons with Sally Avril, a character from AF #15 who died in the comic book version of Untold Tales but whose death went unacknowledged in stories from the 60s-90s.

I think the critical difference there is that (IIRC) Peter wasn’t particularly responsible for her death whereas in the case of Wayne, whilst he didn’t push him off the building, his arrogance really did directly contribute to his death. Plus seeing a man die in such a horrible way, especially if it is the first time he’s ever seen a dead body, would likely leave a bigger impression upon Peter than the nature of Sally’s death, although I must admit it’s been a long time since I read that issue so perhaps I am wrong.

From a continuity stand point this is the minefield you always walk, but at the same time it’d be difficult to generate drama if you didn’t step on those mines occasionally.

I feel DeFalco here wanted to tell a dramatic story that had Peter grapple with a genuinely emotional situation and also took advantage of the nature of this story as a flashback tale.

And frankly he succeeded. If you view this either out of continuity or essentially within an incredibly generalized canon of Spider-Man (i.e. Gwen Stacy died, whether Peter did or didn’t think about Wayne is ambiguous though) the story very much works. I doubt DeFalco or anyone else was honestly feeling any of these stories were going to strictly be canon anyway. However for the record this story happens at some point after ASM #9 because when we get a list of Spider-Man’s opponents they all appeared up to that issue.

 Looking at the story itself its flaws are incredibly minor.

 Some of the dialogue feels old fashioned, but I argue that is likely by design since this is set in an older time period. We go over exposition related to Peter’s origin again, which is more the editor’s fault since we got those details in the first story of the anthology. In fairness revisiting it does serve a greater purpose here because the story is directly ruminating upon the nature of responsibility. In that sense it would’ve been more logical to open the book up with this than the Ant-Man story and I see little reason as to why this couldn’t have in theory happened at an earlier point chronologically. Yeah the Ant-Man story claims Spider-Man’s a new figure on the scene but the passage of time in the first 10 issues of ASM is so vague it’s really not unbelievable that even by issue #9 Spidey might still be considered ‘new’.

 Not only does the story explore (and successfully at that) the theme of responsibility, approaching it from the opposite direction from the lesson Ben’s death imparted, but it also features the supporting cast more. Flash, Aunt May, Jameson, the Bugle and public distrust of Spider-Man are all given notable roles to play in the story, again proving that THIS should’ve opened the book.

 To go back to the theme of responsibility for a moment, perhaps the most nuanced bit of writing in the story is when Peter is on the phone to Jameson. Peter has a really great ethical dilemma. Would it be irresponsible to profit off of Wayne’s death or would it be irresponsible to not profit off of it and use the money to support his Aunt May?

 DeFalco more than any other writer GETS Spider-Man and his depiction of Peter’s internal debate, whilst short, rings utterly true. What gets me is that most of the time whenever I’ve seen this sort of thing done with Peter he’s actually made a different decision, but here DeFalco recognizes that in actuality Peter WOULD consider his responsibilities as the bread winner outweigh what boils down to him merely feeling bad about profiting off a man’s death. It’s not all that different to when he faked photos of Electro to help Aunt May. Yes it’s unethical, but there was a higher responsibility, a greater good at stake.*

 Kent and Jeanette’s subplot, whilst arguably wrapped up unsatisfactorily, does a neat job of evoking something of a daytime drama or even noir story, and in that light fits wonderfully into the brand of stories Lee and Ditko churned out way back at the start.

 In fact of the two opening stories this one more successfully captured that era and by extension the approach of the comic book version of UToSM. Whilst the Ant-Man story was fun, it was the prose equivalent of a typical MTU super hero yarn complete with dodgy pseudo science.

 This story though? Now this is a Spider-Man  story. It has a singular main character (Kent is ultimately a supporting player) and whether he’s in or out of the costume the story is driven by the emotional and human problems faced by the character, not the fantastical super human issues. In classic Spidey manner those two halves of his life bleed over into one another and lack a clear cut divide.

 Really in the Ant-Man story Peter’s personal life would’ve gone mostly unaffected whether he had gotten involved or not. It wasn’t about Peter Parker, it was about Spider-Man. This story is about both.

 Peter needs money to look after himself, his home and Aunt May. So he looks for trouble as Spider-Man and pads out a fight. That gets someone killed which haunts Peter and makes him hesitate to BE Spider-Man, even whilst he reluctantly profits off it as Peter Parker which in turn contributes to his being falsely accused as Spider-Man and kids as school hating on him because he will not defend Spider-Man from these accusations.

 Wham, Bam, DeFalco is the Man. THAT’S a fucking Spidey story right there!

 The only thing for me which really and truly did let this story down wasn’t the fault of the book, but the audio production.

 I’m hoping DeSantos was just off his game for this story, but between this and his prior efforts I think he’s achingly miscast as the narrator of this title. He worked better narrating Stan Lee and Busiek’s forwards than the actual stories. As Aunt May, Kent and Jeanette he wasn’t that bad (actually pretty good as Kent), but his Peter/Spider-Man fails. He can’t even sell the emotion of the non-dialogue bits. He’s not a bad narrator, but not right for this book.

 Over all taken strictly within comics canon there are a lot of contradictions. But taken as it’s own thing or (I suspect) within the context of this one book, this is a knock out story.

 *By the way DeFalco also seamlessly blends humour and tragedy in the scene. Peter’s internal debate and horror at the prospect of profiting off of Wayne’s death leaves him in silence which in turn is misinterpreted by Jameson causing him to raise his offer which in turn causes Peter more internal strife. Just brilliant!