#anyways im anxious about grad school | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

goldenageofwireless · 7 days

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wait can u give me a quick rundown of ur ocs… so i can ask questions abt them 👀

yes ofc !!!! OK SO. My guy that im like hyperfixated on right now is Emil, he's a mad scientist guy and he SUCKS. basically he's just always been a pain in the ass since he was born and never really made an effort to be a better person. Also he's really fucking smart. He ends up getting really famous and wealthy cuz he invented something really cool (still hammering out deets on this, i like the idea of some kinda neural implant or advanced surveillance tech tho). He enjoys living in luxury but hates the constant attention, so one day he decides to abandon it all and isolate himself in his lab in rural Louisiana. He stays in isolation for like 5 or so years and gets soooo depressed. and keeps thinking gay thoughts about his former lab partner .... (i'll get to them in a bit) he just kinda ignores All That and keeps working. Until his lab partner shows up at his door and is like DUDE YOUR INVENTION CAUSED THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. and then they go on a lil road trip together to stop the Big Bad and Emil learns to stop sucking so much and take accountability for his actions :3 also heres a doodle i did of him recently <3

[ID: a digital drawing of op's character, Emil, visible from the waist up. Emil is a fat, white man with messy orange hair. He is wearing a white, short-sleeved lab coat, black gloves, and a purple button-up shirt. The shirt is unbuttoned a bit, and his cleavage is visible. He has green goggles on his head, and he's wearing colored contact lenses. His left eye is green, and his right is purple. He's frowning and glancing to the right/end ID] so Sahir !! They were Emil's lab partner in grad school. They're a botanical psychologist (some shit i made up, they're researching the cognitive abilities of plants). They've always been the quiet, out of the way, people-pleaser type. Emil kept them around bc they just went along with whatever he did. ANYWAY they always kinda had a crush on Emil and even when he ditched them when he got famous, they didn't stop thinking of him </3 So when shit goes down bc of his big fuckup they go find him and basically don't leave him alone until he gets off his ass and fixes it. They're still not really comfortable with standing up to him, so they just keep letting him be a dick to them until they just. have enough and totally snap. and that's kinda the inciting incident that makes Emil realize how much of a dick he is and why thats Bad actually. So Sahir's whole personal journey is basically unlearning their people-pleaser mentality and gaining confidence in themself <3 SO theyre the only two that really have a solid storyline at this point, i have a few misc guys ill drop tho :) ok so first up there's Mal (short for Malpractice Lawsuit), she's basically liiiike if u took the concept of capitalistic greed and made it into a lesbian robot <3 shes evil and she sucks and shes sooo hot and i wanna write her into emil and sahir's storyline but im not sure how atm !! but perhaps i will figure it out eventually !! and theres Marvin, he's a lil guy robot and my fav oc :3 he's just small and silly and also a genius who does Epic Cool Hacking Stuff but hes also an 8 year old who eats dirt then theres Hugo and Vicki, theyre cool and gay :) Hugo is the most anxious man alive (also hes from boston) and Vicki is a demon who just decided that xey like him and they hang out. not much story there they just kiss each other a lot

so yah !!! thats my guys !!!

#ty for asking i LOVE talking about my stupid lil fools .............#maya tag #💜#emil posting #askeroonies #oc talk

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veritable-trash · 8 months

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hi friends <3

this is just a ramble post because i've been dealing with a lot of changes in life and i just need to throw it somewhere cause i drank too much coffee today and now im ~anxious~

i just moved to a different country and have started grad school and while that has been like so fucking rad it's also so insane and such a switch in my life that i don't really know how to like handle it all

also i've been missing writing so dearly and i just haven't had any urge to write BUT i've finally started this new story for king oberyn that i actually feel kinda good about

but it's like scary getting back into writing and feeling so unsure of how to do it again

i don't know i just feel like i suck at being a good reader on tumblr, suck at being a good writer on tumblr, and feel like i just have shoved myself into my own little bubble when i joined this site because i wanted to build community

so if anyone wants to be little internet friends let me know cause i'm lonely

hopefully the oberyn thing will be done soon i've literally written 1.5k words today alone just from scratch from my brain and that has been kinda nice

anyways if you've read this thank you i appreciate you if you didn't that's totally chill too i just like really had to throw some shit out there before my brain exploded into a million pieces <33333

#a ramble #cause my brain hurts #me and coffee really are not homies and i forgot #just want to do something!!!!!!!#and i don't know what that is!!!!!!!!#anyways i'm actually fine just like life ya know #<33333333333

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fairycosmos · 1 year

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So about the college/uni thing, just another person with the "it ain't all its cracked up to be perspective". My experience with school is been pretty complicated because of the pandemic and being an undiagnosed adhd/depressed/anxious person for most of it. HS does not properly prepare students for college, especially when it comes to assuming who is going to need more support or not. Im graduating in spring, on time thankfully, but im absolutely dreading the semester. Every semester besides my first have just killed me and it feels like the worst Rollercoaster ride ever. I can't even get a relevant job to my degree once I graduate since without grad school or a teaching masters addition I have no credentials. I feel fucked over. Still plan on grad school but my timeline is all screwed up now and it'll probably be a While before I can come back with any confidence that its not going to get fucked up. School is not for everyone, and the people at school need to take some responsibility for recognizing and pointing out students who are Obviously Struggling or point them to resources. The system is made to be the worst.

you are a complete star for pulling through and managing to get to this point in ur education, seriously! im so sorry it's all been so difficult for you, and i totally agree that the educative system is set up to completely demoralise neurodivergent/struggling kids from the very beginning. it's awful, and so is the expectation that going to college is a requirement and a rite of passage despite it's inaccessibility and incompatibly with certain demographics. plus like you said, so many ppl get scammed and end up having to get even more schooling on top of that just to make their degree useable - how is that at all fair or practical lmfao, it's completely ridiculous. so much time and money that i'd never have. i felt kind of crazy for not wanting to go to university and pointing out all the issues you mentioned, only for everyone around me to act like i was being crazy and a total disappointment. like these are valid concerns? anyway, i'm infinitely proud of you and i'm wishing you the best of luck for this semester, and for moments of peace to find you when you need them. ur on the home stretch now, and you'v got so much to take pride in! sending love. <3

#anon

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tarantula-hawk-wasp · 2 years

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Feel bad complaining but I don’t handle loneliness and the loss of structure from school well

#and usually I like talk to my mom about these things even tho she’s unhelpful and tbh not very reassuring but like I usually talk to her #emotional support BUT rn I 1. don’t want to make a big deal out of the fact it wasn’t economically feasible for me to fly home and make her #feel guilty and also 2. it makes me feel worse to call home rn bc my brother drove home for thanksgiving so it’s like the rest of the family #is doing things together #3. she keeps nagging me about studying and applications for things and I’m like lady I’m in a mental health spiral I don’t want to write #emails but like I had to make myself anyways and like #my sleeping and eating schedule is a hot mess rn #and like I have so much on my to-do list and I’m doing so little of it bc I’m not sleeping well and then sleeping in and th #and then during the day I’m not focusing at all and I’m wasting so much time on stupid distractions bc I’m kind of sad and anxious #and like yes mental health is important but I’m in grad school I don’t have time for mental health and also like it would benefit my mental #health to clean my apartment and yet #anyways #IM FINE REALLY I PROMISE IM FINE #and I also am having a lot of social anxiety so I’m not even enjoying texting friends as much as usual #IDK it’s just like a lot mentally and I’m not thriving #I’m going to watch tv and bake a small pumpkin pie and maybe do dishes #and like I’m making a thanksgiving dinner for One tomorrow and I love the food for thanksgiving so that’s why I’m doing it but also #will I feel more depressed having my like dinner alone #again let me reiterate I’m Fine I’m just a little lonely and like it’s Fine #like I called home bc I was lonely and my dad was telling me about how my brother drove home today and is out with my mom and grandma rn and #like hm I faked cheer but i almost started crying

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plantaagomaajor · 3 years

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i am straight up not having a good time right now

#my classes are hard #i have 1.7 semesters left of college????#and idk what comes next #i need to go to grad school and applications are due in november #but i dont know how to apply and i don't know anything about any of the schools #i want to take a gap year but im really worried that it will be hard to get back into school afterwards #but im worried that if i go straight into grad school ill continue straight to work after that and ill never get a break #i don't know what to do #the uncertainty of the future is lagligyidygfaldygliufg #terrifying #and all of a sudden the future seems so close #i thought i had more time #anyway im just really scared and im too anxious to actually do anything so i might be forced to take a gap year anyway #does anyone have any advice?

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cerealmonster15 · 3 years

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hmmm i think im emotional today lol

#its taking all my willpower not to go on like #a full emotionally charged spiral rn about all the feelings #im just................. i think lonely and also #mentally / physically understimulated #like my work has me at my comp all day #but ive also not had much to do so im sitting aroun just @~@#my social circle has shrunk to like 2-3 people bc like #pandemic and my general social anxiety / introverted nature so just #all around aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #like i talk on here wayyyy more now i think bc of that #the yearish i was in grad school i was barely on here bc i like #was constnatly busy and around people an it was cool but now i just #im a lonely and anxious person at my core and it's just way more noticable now #anyway i said i wasnt gonna go into it and im alreaddy starting to so #bye lol urk

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deklo · 3 years

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i had never been as burnt out as i was last fall/winter when i was about to graduate and now i miss school so much i could Cry

#like i was confused today about WHY i didn’t go straight into grad school after my undergrad #and then i had to remind myself that i was exhausted and anxious and depressed constantly lol #the pandemic probably didn’t help but #i love fall semester so much i love when it gets dark early and i have a 7-10pm night class !!!!!#i miss being in campus!!!!#i also just miss learning EEEEE #im so sad but also im full time at work now so i don’t think i can just go back to school if it’s not for my masters lol #anyways #i miss school lol hehe

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audiovisualrecall · 2 years

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last year ish? i think? i thought about doing an online grad degree in library science, because it sounded kinda cool, but i looked at info and then got a bunch of online schools emailing me and it definitely made me nope out ^^' But also i've tried online classes before and i dont do well in them, because there's no one to keep me accountable, and its SO much harder to participate in a class when its all set up like a forum /message board format. because i dont just have issues with being somewhat non-verbal sometimes, its also writing-based, i can't make myself communicate with others, because i get anxious and in my head and overthink and it feels like climbing a mountain. in-person, i dont have the TIME to do that. i can get anxious and over-think after i speak, which i do, but at least i SAY something and can get some good good brain chemicals sometimes from Approval TM or something. idk. ANYWAY the point of this is i realize i maybe kind of do want to do a grad program for library science? And so i looked at my college i did my undergrad at, because i know the place and it's local and its grad programs are still prooobably cheaper than other universities. And, well, the application process doesn't look quite as intimidating when i look at it now as i thought? a 500 word essay - but it's just about what my objectives are for going for the grad degree/program. Which i could definitely talk about why im interested in this route/program, it'll be trimming it down to 500 words that'll be the hard part.

idk its like. when i was doing my undergrad eventually i just wanted to be done with it, but i really really love learning and knowledge?? I just heard my mom tell her cousin that 'mimi's thinking of going back to school' and i smiled.

it feels right to me, idk. like i know i prbably wont be able to do a grad program And work a full time job, because i can barely do my FT job and manage to do dishes and clean the litterbox and shower and find time for artmaking. And if i do decide to do this i will have to give up supervisor, because that cant be done part time. idk. I mean i have to think about it. and I cant apply until April and that'll be for next fall. So i can go for supervisor, and then let them know closer to the fall - if i get sup And i get in to the grad program - that i'll be stepping down and doing part time while i do the MLS program.

but obvs that's getting ahead of myself anyway. but i do really think i want this. I want to. I fucking love libraries and what the do and provide, i love school libraries and librarians and i love research and books and helping people and knowledge and sharing information and helping people learn things! i dont think i'd make a good teacher, so i dont want to go to school for education, but id love to work in a school as a librarian? Or a public library, or a college, or.... i could focus on art history related stuff, too, because there is a whole area of art librarianship/ area where library science and art and art history intersect. either would be fun and cool and they're Good Jobs that afaik if you can manage to get them they pay decently and include benefits?? sometimes? idk. but its a DIRECTION and that feels right, ive been feeling directionless and i know 'supervisor at a grocery store' is NOT my direction, and art alone hasn't been feeling RIGHT, id like for art to be something i do mostly for fun, and if i sell pieces or show eventually it wont be wth the pressure on it to be my PATH in life. yknow? idk. i think library science could be that for me.

so anyway we'll see where this goes. i can save up and work on the materials for applying and come april i can apply and hope.

in the meantime.... i gotta learn to drive ffs

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highsviolets · 3 years

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hellooooo it’s your mando anon here swamped w finals (grad school is not easy who would have thought) AND I KNOW IM SUPER LATE BUT

i rly don’t know how i felt about this episode????? i thought pedro did a fantastic job and the whole time the helmet was off i felt so scared and uncomfortable for din so kudos to him, there were so many little details in the way he moved without the helmet that made sense for someone whose face is hidden all the time

and i just - i always thought of din as a rly anxious person who pushes through it to get the job done bc he has to, and this episode (and all the others till now this season) rly solidified that for me

i like the lil redemption arc they gave bill burr

but for some reason the episode felt a bit out of place for me? i think i liked it, all the performances were great obs but idk???? i can’t form a proper opinion?????

anyway my last final in the day the finale comes out and i get to treat myself to it as a celebration and i am not READY i rly rly hope it’s good aaaaaaaa

MANDO ANON HELLO!!!!! i’m so happy to hear from you :’))) i was worried my hot take during liveblogging last week might have scared you off (and then i changed my url and was like shit what if mando anon can’t find me!!!) but here you are!

omg. thank you. we are the same. i’ve rewatched since friday to get a better idea in my head (on friday i was v sick and exhausted and literally straight off the heels of an exam and apparently i held a minority opinion about the episode lmao). but i’m still not sure how i feel about it??

pedro is an unparalleled actor. he did an outstanding job. we were supposed to feel uncomfortable, like we were violating his space, and we did.

i actually have a whole headcanon that din is neurodivergent. i know i’m not the first one to bring this up, but the way he presents himself both with and without the helmet speak really strongly to me (i’m ND). i ranted about it in the tags of a gifset a while back, but basically i think he’s the sort of ND that uses perfectionism as a coping mechanism for his anxiety -- he likes to be in control because then he knows. he knows what to do, he knows what’s expected of him, how to act, what to do. there are clear expectations. this desire for control as a coping mechanism is, i think, throughout the entire show: the way he seeks to control the perceptions of others, his very black-and-white conception of what a mandalorian is. he struggles, sometimes, to understand that gray space; hence his constant refrain of you’re changing the terms of the deal - it’s about honor but ALSO about him maintaining control of the situation. bounty hunting gives him space to be independent while also calling upon help if needed (he’s capable of working with others, clearly). it’s also a hyperfocused & adrenaline-seeking profession, two things that a lot (though not all) ND minds crave. several learning disorders and the like also predispose an individual to generalized and social anxiety, which would explain a lot of his hesitancy with new people. he can hold a conversation with people he knows (Cara, Karga, eventually Omera, Frog Lady), but the first few times he interacts with someone, he’s awkward and nervous and doesn’t know how to act.

anyway. about the episode. i agree. everything was ‘right,’ until it wasn’t. something felt very off about it. the writing didn’t seem as strong; the narrative wasn’t as tight. i was confused on what we were supposed to focus on, and i don’t usually feel like that during this show.

i hope your finals go well, dearest!! sending you all the good vibes. (and yea i’m scared too...maybe because i’m listening to a certain song on my din playlist on repeat and it literally makes me cry lmao but I’M NERVOUS)

#mando anon 🪐#ask #the mandalorian spoilers #did any of that make sense #idek #let's just say it does yea?

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inkskinned · 6 years

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literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-.

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound.

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression.

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost.

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

#anyway

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missjessisamess · 4 years

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Things I need to say to move forward in 2020

So we’re ending 2019 with a bunch of things I should have said this year (if not in 2018 or 2017)

- Im sorry (and still feel awful) about how our breakup happened The whole accidentally over text thing was super not intended and me being the worst person still haunts me. And not to make any excuses and not that it matters but at the start of grad school (and probably defineitly earlier and after that) I was extremly depressed/anxious/stress and terrified of long distance that in natural Jess fashion I didn’t say anything and just ran away

- Im learning that I am very afraid to appear vunerable in any capcity In the same vein that i ran away from us, I couldn’t own up to the fact that I very quickly and whole-heartidly missed you. But I couldnt be the one to crawl back, I couldnt be the one to be rejected, I told myself that I wasn’t sure if I missed the concept of you or you. NO SURPRISE: I missed you, but I know its too late.

- You seem happy and you deserve that. I might not be fully happy, but Im also kind of a shitty, messed-up person so I also probably deserve that.

And finally

- If youre going to pretend you didn’t unfollow me on instagram by watching all of my stories (which you have to physically go search my page for . . . multiple times a day) you can at least like my photos . Also when and why did this happen.

So this has probably been sufficiently weird or something and if this is goodbye because this messes up our weird still-vaguely-talking~friendship( but also why do we still do that& do other people know we still talk because everyone I mention it to thinks its strange) - it was nice having you around while I did.

But anyway heres to starting 2020 with some much needed truth and vunerability- which Im clearly still working on because I still can’t say this directly to you and Im resorting to posting this on the internet and just hoping youll read it so I can pretend like I did something. But anyway I guess Im still here

#AHSB #oversharing on the internet #hey look a draft about you that actually saw the light of day

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doctormage · 5 years

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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

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