i am straight up not having a good time right now

Life. Love. Loss- a little bit of it all

No one can truly prepare you for the moment when college is over. You spend four years thinking that you have so much time, and then one day it just hits you. For me it hit me the last two weeks of college. I was standing on the field in a big game, and we were up 12-11 with minutes left to go on the clock. As I was passed the ball, coach screaming at me to keep my feet moving, I felt this agonizing, amazing, tingling, sensational feeling- I looked around me- at my teammates smiling, my coach gritting her teeth, and my dad screaming you got this, and all i could think about is will i ever feel like this again? I made it my mission those last two weeks to embrace everything, and although my timing of realizing this and putting this into effect couldn't of come at a worse time i couldn't help but be selfish. how could you not? I mean when are you ever going to live in a place where you can just walk into someones room let alone house or apartment and ask them if you can borrow their vacuum- I'm sure you’ll get a weird look or maybe even worse get arrested. When are you ever going to take midnight drives to your local quick check just because you’re craving mac and cheese bites. When are you going to be able to sit up all night drinking wine, and just bull shitting without worrying about getting to bed for work the next morning. When are you ever going to be able to just worry about if you have enough alcohol for the pregame? I guess my point is you don't think about all that when you enter into college, you think about all the freedom you have, hanging out with your friends etc. but you never realize how quickly that’s all taken from you, and when you do realize-- its too late. 

I’ve gained some amazing friends in college, friends in whom i found home with. See home wasn't a place for me anymore when i realized i found my forever friends, but home embodied them. So I wasn't sad to leave them when i graduated days ago because i knew whenever we were together, however near or far that may be, that i’d be going home; but more so i was sad for taking advantage of all the time i thought i had when i really didn't have much at all. In the midst of all this I was trying to balance embracing this time with my friends, with spending time with someone whom i came to love, and in the midst of all the chaos i lost sight of someone elses needs, but thats the thing that you learn when being put in those situations, is that sometimes your needs aren't the most important although in the moment you think they are, and all i needed was for someone to tell me that- someone just to grab me and be like “Theresa what the fuck are you doing- I'm here, and you’re leaving me too, why don't you see that- stop focusing on pleasing everyone else, and please yourself and in pleasing yourself you'll please me, yeah we’re still gonna be together, but i miss you.” But i didn't hear it like that. I heard it in the sounds of packing bags, digging through dirty laundry, collecting tooth brushes and hair gel, I heard it in the sound the door made when it closed shut behind him. I made the mistake of not giving enough of my time during those two weeks, but you made the mistake of leaving. Leaving with hurtful words, and petty text messages, leaving with jealous assumptions, and no cares for future actions (even at the expense of still hurting me), leaving with the later feelings of regret and uncertainty. I can say it in a thousand different ways, But leaving point blank...  is leaving. There’s no need to go through all that was said and done or why or how or who. You left with pieces of me that i had just put back together, you left with my questioning who i am, and how i treat people. You left me with late nights of crying, and unanswered questions, old text messages, pictures and videos, but most importantly you left something the made you truly happy. You left me with saying you can't lose me, but not knowing if you want to be with me. But you can't get the best of both worlds. Here’s the truth. Being honest doesn't keep anyone. being loyal doesn't keep anyone. treating them well doesn't keep anyone. caring doesn't keep anyone. making efforts doesn't keep anyone. paying attention to big and little things doesn't keep anyone. spending time with them doesn't keep anyone. dishing out money doesn't keep anyone. being attractive doesn't keep anyone. you can have the best intentions and the most sincere feelings. you can be an amazing person and you wouldn't be able to keep someone because the only way to be kept by someone is if they want to keep you. you can't beg anyone to stay with you. you can't love someone into loving you. with people, you can tell they want to keep you when the relationship gets hard, they do everything they can to fight for  you. people fight for what they want and want to keep. they'll spend endless time to maintain what they invested in. so if they aren't fighting when things get hard, they no longer want to keep you. the moral of this? don't hold on to people who don't want to keep you around and have you in their lives. it absolutely sucks to know, all you invested in, time, effort, care, emotions, feelings, turns out to be meaningless to them. to realize you were just temporary. to realize you don't get that in return. so why do more? at some point you'll have to get the clue. at some point you'll have to figure out, is your loyalty just stupidity? Nothing you do entitles you to anything. you hope they reciprocate. but if they don't-- why continue to waste all your efforts into things that go nowhere? you can't live off of hope forever, a real reality check will make you honest with yourself. its the crossroads you need to come across. No, I'm not giving up on him, its you who gave up on me and i understand the reality. no more giving the benefit of the doubt or hopeful it'll change eventually. its me not wasting more time and efforts on someone who is already gone and doesn't want to be kept. know when its time to let go. know when its time to walk away. know your self value and self respect. make yourself proud. know your worth. 

Its not that i still won't think of you- i do, every second of every day. But i can't keep following you straight into hell just to keep getting my fix. 

The one thing I learned from all of this is to take your friends advice. Not your friends advice in the sense of listen to them when they tell you to break up with the person, or just move on, because lets be real-- who really listens to that. although sometimes its probably the path we should choose, we’re so stuck on the moment and them we see who they can be and their potential and the happily ever after we can't see all that we should. Im talking about the advice your friends tell you after, when you're crying in their room at 2 am or when you're texting them how alone you feel- take their advice. Find something everyday that makes you happy and feel good. even if its just getting out of bed, taking a hot shower, taking a walk. something little to make you feel more you. to help you know that this isn't the end of the world. its the end to the chapter and be grateful it ended before your new one began. 

I think sometimes we’re so caught up in being with someone forever and planning our life with them and think about all the “cool” things you'll do together that you forget to just live. Live everyday together. I had some amazing times with him, and ill never forget all the memories we made together, we’re just at two very different points in our life right now, and he's not willing to change or see things from my point of view; and i can't be selfish and try to speed him up. i would never take that away from someone let alone him. I'm so grateful for the time we had together, and for the person you showed me you could really be- for a second there i thought you’d drop the persona you showed everyone else, but its too early for that. Just know that i think people would love you. People would love how caring you are for you friends, for your family, for those whom are close to you and even those whom you are not- but just need someone. people would love to see how vulnerable you are when someone tries to do something nice to you. People will love how you twitch your nose when you're tired, but are trying your hardest to stay up. Fuck- i do love you for all those reasons and more.  People would love you-------- for you. I did. I do. But our chapter is closed i can't stand and wait to see if I'm wanted- because we both know if that is what you wanted there would be no waiting. So i’m flipping to the next chapter- maybe ill see you there. 

In the next chapter I'm opening I'm going to grad school to get my masters in medical humanities, I'm also working for my best friends, coaching for an amazing program, and moving into a house with my two friends. I’m not quite sure if ill be able to handle it all, but I'm excited to finally get back in gear and keep myself busy with diy projects for the house, and chaotic schedules. 

I think I'm gonna start writing again- not for anyone, but for me. 

im not okay right now, I'm not necessarily happy-- but i know i will be. 

I love you always.  ~

“When you come to realize, that the way you feel is a product only of what you choose to give your attention to, then you begin to realize that under any and all conditions, you can feel good. You also begin to realize that as you control the way you feel, you control the way you are flowing energy. And as you control the way you are flowing energy, you literally align the circumstances and events that create your experience.”