hmmmm hnmmmmmmmm

guys what the fuck what the fuck a (kinda big??? idk???) youtuber just made a video about that one tumblr myth analysis that i chimed in on awhile ago and the video ended the video on my little analysis part?????? what???? anyways uh??? hi!!!! if you're coming from the Bettina Levy video, hi!!!! if you're looking for more analysis of things like that you're probably not gonna get it, cause I only really post random shit about my hyperfixations on here!!! i mean i might do more things like that if i get hyperfixated on something but like!!! hi!!!

idk im just??? im so surprised that im now in a video with (as of the time of writing this) 8.7k views????

*crawls out of a hole.* Hi guys.

feeling Emotional tonight and i ended up crying ugly tears thinking about Khalan again. it's always the songs from my character playlist that get me good, man 😭

I wanna start drawing star wars fanart this summer, i even have an age old star wars fanart blog that i have only posted something like,,, twice to, bc i have this deep unsettled feeling about making sw content bc in college i had a brief moment there where I went from being a huge star wars fan since i first saw the movies as like a baby to being completely apathetic to the whole franchise (bc some douchebag decided to "quiz" me on how good of star wars fan (aka how well i knew trivia from the extended universe/books, of which i'd only read a few) and then publicly mocked me for being a fake fan so I stopped liking star wars after that and have only in recent years slowly started enjoying the franchise again... and On Top of that I have yet to see the last of the sequel trilogy (rise of skywalker) bc it looked so damn bad, plus i hate reylo with a burning passion lmao, but i do feel like not having seen it (and in fact, not having seen Every Star Wars Thing or Read Every Star Wars Thing) means yes, maybe i AM a fake fan and Shouldn't make star wars fanart/content,,,

idk just something I'm kinda struggling with lately

im clipping the Brnine Gucci convo when I get home from work

i’m trying so hard to just rip the bandaid off and come out as trans to my family but IDK HOW TO PHRASE IT AND I CAN’T CALL THEM AND TELL THEM i’ve been trying to come out for literally years now and i never know how but they’re coming to visit next month and i have to tell them by then bc everyone here calls me percy and it’s kinda dumb that I haven’t told them yet at this point, like they probably KNOW ALREADY but I just can’t seem to do it I just freeze up I just can’t oh my god, at this point it’s hardly even anxiety (although that is part of it) it’s also just... FRUSTRATION at not being out and not being able to be, like I wanna change my name on social media and get my personal instagram account back, I wanna just be open, i just literally don’t know how. 

it’s been like 5 years since I realized I was nonbinary, I’ve been using the name Percy irl for like 2 years now, I’ve been not using my birth name for even longer, I live on my own away from my family and my entire community knows me as trans and I’ve put this off long enough but at this point it’s not going away and my parents probably KNOW already I just need to tell them so I can change my name on social media and not have them be like what. i just literally genuinely do not know fucking HOW like do I be casual about it? do i send them a text? Email them? I cannot do it over video chat or over phone, like I literally just Won’t if i try to, I have so much trauma from the last time i came out but THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS AT THIS POINT I GOTTA TELL THEM HOW DO I DO THAT I’M A FUCKING ADULT AAAAAAAAA

if anyone who is an adult trans person who came out to their family late (as in after they moved out of the house completely) has any advice for me please please please help me I am begging (but only if you fit those criteria, otherwise I don’t want any advice you have i’m sorry) 

(and if anyone tries to tell me “you don’t have to come out!” or whatever, save your breath PLEASE that’s not what i’m asking at this point it’s fucking STUPID that i’m not out to them as trans and I’m TIRED OF IT I’m tired of living a stupid double life i just want to be able to be myself fully and then if people don’t like it they can get out of my life but i’m tired of not telling people)

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I say I ship Jack and Lacie, but tbh I don't think I do in the sense fandom understands it. For me it's kind of like saying I ship Heathc.liff and Cathy or Fe.rmín and Ana. Do I ship them? Yes? No? The answer is closer to "I like W.uthering Heigh.ts and La R.egenta"

I was reading yesterday about xiangqi and there was a mention about how the general is rather useless and even affects negatively your game at first, but ends up having a key role in setting up winning strategies towards the final stages, and it reminded me so much of Jing Yuan's role in the Xianzhou arc

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It hurts when someone you spoke to all the time (like everyday) suddenly stops talking to you and you have no idea why. I keep feeling like I've done something wrong but I can't think what

Do you ever finish a movie and you legitimately can't tell whether or not you liked it, to the point where you're not even sure if the last couple hours were a total waste of time?

It's the way that in every mv him with the scar got killed by him without it but not this time... This time his past self was running to try and save his future self

Had an insanely hectic 8h work day today, which definitely calls for some comfort tv* and spending the evening on the couch.

*Tatort Berlin - Der gute Weg

Is there even a fuckin evolutionary purpose to cramps or is that just for funny haha human torment

I've been facing kidney stone level pain since I was 12 and no matter how many times professionals say that its normal you cannot convince me that this level of pain is NORMAL. I really hope they just mean "normal" as in "You don't need to go to the hospital" because there is no way that there's nothing going on here? Do doctors just think I'm exaggerating? Is this just a socialization issue and they're just trying to reassure me that I'm not dying and I'm misinterpreting it to mean "everything is fine"? Are the doctors in my area just idiots? Or is it a "we really can't do anything here, just keep taking naproxen or whatever as normal" kinda thing? Do I have endometriosis?? Is it too hard to diagnose it for certain and my doctors aren't bothering, or am I not complaining enough about it? I genuinely don't know. I just don't think this is completely normal.

I've had kidney stones before. I've had to help take care of my dad when he gets them, because getting those on top of his chronic pain makes it a struggle to even get out of bed. It is genuinely one of the worst kinds of pain to get. I have been taking ibuprofen and/or naproxen for the pains ASAP when I even see a little bit of blood or feel the start of cramping. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot how bad it was, so when my cramps started in the middle of the day when I had no access to any kind of meds some months back, the horrifying reality of what I had been going through had finally set in, taking the full force of the pain with nothing to combat it, and it was just as bad as kidney stones. Made worse since it hit me in a crowded fuckin mall with people looking at me weird but I don't want to get into that mess. I just cannot believe when someone tries to tell me THAT is normal, that everything is fine, nothing to worry about, nothing to even look into.

I'm scared to even think about how the pain could be worse than this, because I know that's possible. I'm scared of the idea that something could be seriously wrong here and it's getting ignored because I'm not being taken seriously or because I'm not complaining enough about it. I hate the idea that this is just somehow "normal". Even if I wasn't trans I'd want to get this stupid fucking organ out of my body so I don't have to suffer like that. I really wish I could just get it removed already, its just too fucking much for me, man. That's not gonna happen any time soon though since I can hardly even afford blood tests. I mean, hell, I need to get a (full body, likely) MRI and that's been shoved to the side for years now because my family just can't afford it. A whole surgery like that is nothing but a pipe dream right now.

Sorry for the long rambling bs about this shit but I need to scream into the void about this, I already had therapy this week so I can't talk about it there lol. IDK maybe someone knows what its like or can tell me "yeah that's not normal your doctors suck" or something.