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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 1 year

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if i was absolutely FORCED to go back in time to high school i think the one thing i would change would be. being more involved w the theatre kids

#sorry. introspection post time #watched the movie version of a show we did when i was a freshman and i got hit with a massive wave of. damn i kinda miss that tho #i was! head spotlight techie #and it was. so fun and i loved it sooo much i miss the burns on my arms i miss the ozone smell #i miss the clunky sound when u change color filters #i miss early rehersal practices where my job was to sit on the balcony with a copy of the script and make lighting note annotations #i miss sitting on the balcony with my legs dangling off the edge.#i dropped a flipflop one time and nearly clunked one of the leads on the head LMAO #we were friends tho so he just. picked my shoe up off the floor and waved it at me like a grouchy old man raving about kids on his lawn #and he didnt give it back to me until after practice LMAO #fuck dude........#and i learned all of the songs bc id be at every practice and would just like. sing to myself on the balcony bc nobody could hear me #ugm. we are not going to talk about my partner tech so she is just a big static filled void in all of these memories <3 #we spent. so much time together and it was. hmmmmmmm. bc we were on the balcony by ourselves. no supervision no witnesses etc. she was. hm #anyway. happy memories only.#i miss my clunky old spotlight his name was megatron #i always kind of wished i had the abikity to try out even for like an understudy part bc i think i would have fun w that #but unfortunately high school was the bottomless pit of my mental illness and despair and etc #i did NOT have the mental fortitude to do that #but it always looked rlly fun.....#anyway this was entirely inspired by my remembering that anybodys from west side story existed #and like. thats the EXACT character i wouldve loved 2 play in hs #do u know jow much fun i had singing officer krupkie on the balcony. i wouldve nailed that shit #also it wouldve given me a better excuse to be friends w the drama club guys and not..... you know. the static filled void #anyway. hi. how r we all tonight. im finding myself nostalgic for the worst period of my life <3

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aroaceleovaldez · 4 months

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Nico referring to his mom as "Mama" implies he most likely at least used to refer to Hades as "Papa" and i 100% headcanon he still does but mostly in the manner of him having the entire Underworld wrapped around his finger for being the baby of the family

#pjo #riordanverse #nico di angelo #headcanon #my art #nico flexing youngest child privilages by pulling out the most pitiful expression he can manage #anyways i find it fun to explore character word choices #cause yknow no two characters are going to select their words the same way #or even necessarily think about it to the same degree #i like to think Nico thinks about his word choice a lot #so of course every time he uses ''papa'' he fully knows he's pulling the Baby Of The Family card #Hades definitely knows this too but falls for it every time anyways #cause Nico hasnt called him ''papa'' regularly since getting his memory wiped - just detached ''father'' or at best ''dad''#so it just reminds Hades of How Much He Just Wants His Children To Be Happy Like The Old Days #and how much poor Nico has been through and he's just the baby of the family and-#cue Nico smugly staring at the camera cause he knows how much power he holds #also i say Nico is Hades' only son cause mythologically even when Zagreus *is* Hades' son (rarely) he's. dead.#a major part of Zagreus' mythology is that he died #and im p sure every other deity said to be Hades' children are all goddesses and also are like 50% of the time not his #theres also only like 3 of them. and as far as we know in riordanverse canon one of them is implied to not be his daughter #so Nico is Hades' only son and also youngest in the family (cause Hazel is older by a month chronologically or 1 year biologically)#(and everybody else is a deity if children of hades at all)

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turtleblogatlast · 2 months

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Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #rise donnie #rise leo #rise mikey #rise raph #donnie and leo’s sexualities being practically swapped was unintentional but it works way too well #same with mikey and raph tbh it was a happy accident #anyway I kinda hc raph as the type who doesn’t care about physical appearance just if you fight lol #Mikey’s more than happy with friends and family #Donnie is a BIG romantic but he needs time to sus a person out fully before he gets the hots for them #leo meanwhile isn’t keen on romance unless it’s with someone he grows to really really REALLY trust #I could go on and probably will later (knowing me) but it is late and I am tired haha #turtle art tag #curious as to what everyone else headcanons #the only one of these I’ll defend forever is Bi (female-leaning) donnie and trans leo #all the others can change over time but I really like where they’re sitting right now #I hope these are the right flags too because it was kinda hard to find them #went looking for transmasc flag in particular but I couldn’t find a solid agreed upon version 😭#ngl a big part of why I hc mikey as aro is because of a pun #my phone often misspells aromantic as aromatic and- and you get it- because aromatic herbs and- and Mikey is a chef do YOU GET IT #note that while I hc leo as bisexual (male-leaning) I still think he’s prob closer to demi in that as well just not as far into the spectrum #if that makes sense #headcanons are fun and hard to narrow down at the same time alas #I made this in like an hour can you tell djjdjd #I drew them all from memory so if there’s anything wrong…shhh #and if you’re wondering for April and Splinter #Both are Bisexual (female-leaning) but April is also Panromantic #I almost wanna make Splinter demiromantic too so Big Mama’s betrayal hits just a bit harder

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magnoliasandbeardedtooth · 2 months

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thinking about the relationship between sif and the universe, and related theories / headcanons aka I listened to a song and I need to get these feefees out of me

this is a lot of prelude for something that can be shown with just the video clip, but I want to include all the strings that make up this knot

Its not explicitly stated, but I believe it's pretty clear that whenever sif repeats something three times while hoping for something (sharpening the keyknife, carving in general, praying to the change god statue in dormont), he is performing wish craft.

however, he doesnt repeat anything three times when getting the keyknife. he doesnt even need to pray to get it at all, the change god just gives it to him. they say themselves that they dont care for rituals. they never even take credit for the stat buff, they only take credit for the keyknife

when sif changes how they pray at the change god statue, their method more strongly resembles the ritual to make a wish at the favor tree (picking the one you like best), and as a result the buff gets better. it is the wish craft ritual that is the important part of the prayer to that statue, not the change god

one thing that IS explicitly stated is just how powerful wish craft is for those who know the rituals, and how dangerous it is in the wrong hands. between the disappearance of colors (Im pretty sure that was the result of a wish, I may be misremembering), the disappearance of the country, and the king being nearly successful in freezing all of vaugarde in time, it only takes one wish to take out massive chunks of the world at a time

we know that wish craft is very entwined in the culture of the country (the story written about in the journal is told as a cautionary fairy tale, the rituals themselves are so deeply ingrained in sif that the wish to forget the country did not restrict his memory of the rituals, and he can perform wish craft without even being fully aware he is doing it)

it seems reasonable to me that the reason for the country's disappearance was to hide the existence of wish craft and the rituals to access that power from the rest of the world. considering sif didnt even remember his culture AND had good intentions, and still nearly ended the world, seems like that concern is pretty well founded. however, thats not the important theory Im making this post about

the country has knowledge of wish craft in conjunction with worship of the universe. "the universe leads, we can only follow," "the universe willed it," seems pretty safe to say that sif's Universe is the "entity" that is granting wishes

the way wishes are described, they dont seem like something the universe grants based on who worships it. as long as you know the ritual, you get the wish. everyone is part of the universe, after all, worshiper or not

Admittedly, its a bit of a stretch to say that the universe as a collective force has any sense of empathy for human struggles. but using the change god as an example, as spiteful as they are to sif, and unsympathetic to anything other than a human's role in the concept of change, they still show a great deal of care and favor to mira, someone who loves them. it is possible for a deity to care for those that care about it

sif, despite no longer having access to his culture or why he cares about the universe, still loves the universe, very very deeply, just as much as mira loves change. the change god says that sif's deity will never answer him, but I dont think thats the case

and this is the important headcanon that I am making this post for

sif is performing the rituals, so he gets the wishes, simple as. but I feel strongly that his wishes getting granted in very small but noticeable ways, despite not knowing how or why hes doing it, is the presence of his universe helping him, caring for him, even when he doesnt remember it

the strongest evidence for this, and the basis for this whole thing, is exactly how euphrasie breaks down in act 5

at first I only really noticed when she laughs, it reminded me very much of how the change god, a being who uses sprites of other characters and has done a whole possession, laughed during their encounter. they and euphrasie are the only two that use anything other than "ha," and right after this laugh is when her breakdown pauses and she says the lines

"... Soon you'll be able to go back to your normal lives. Away from battle and strife. Finally, you'll all be able to go home!!!"

which, knowing the end of the game is coming, is incredibly relevant. very deliberate

before this pause, her breakdown seems pretty chaotic. the characters and the player are just coming out of one harrowing experience, and are clearly headed for another. the cohesiveness of this glitchy breakdown amongst a mess of the rest of the world doing the same isnt really high up on the list of priorities. none of the characters notice anything beyond the fact that reality is breaking, not even sif. it just sounds like scary nonsense.

but with the context of euphrasie being possessed to talk to sif, every single one of her lines makes perfect sense

(footage from Zhain Gaming on yt)

the universe is there its talking directly to him, it was there the whole time

the Universe loves Sif so much

#isat #in stars and time #isat spoilers #isat act 5 spoilers #I have no idea how obvious this is or if its old news #since I havent seen anyone else talk about it #but the relationship between sif and the universe makes me emotional #I wrote this at 3 am based on memory #at first I wasnt too confident in it since it was only based on the laugh and the lines that follow it #this was just something that made me happy that I was gonna keep no matter what #but when I went back to look at the lines and found that every one lined up‚ I cried #anyway #I wanted to write this whole thing after listening to Secret For The Mad by Dodie under the lens of the universe talking to siffrin #special shoutout to pidgey who joked that the universe was adrienne actually #they were goofing but as a high concept meta art thing I can definitely appreciate #speaks

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plan-3-tmars · 3 months

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Is this what Happiness is?

- hey so I haven't seen an interpretation of the bar scenes in Half that I fully agree with, so I wanted to throw my own two cents out there into the void and pray that it makes sense !!!

so, in the bar scenes in Half we see what I interpret as a hangout with old friends (or, hangout with old friend + his wife.) These scenes used to be the biggest piece of evidence for the cheater theory, but now that that's been debunked by the man himself, I have a new way of looking at them

~ before I go any further, I just wanted to say that I'll be calling the brown-haired woman whiskey for simplicity's sake

In this scene, Kazui turns to look at Whiskey, saying the lyrics:

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

With my guess (cuz that's really what it is there's no evidence for it) that Whiskey is the Bartender's wife i think this scene is Kazui being conflicted with what he's been told is true, that marrying Hinako is "true love", versus what he feels is true, that marrying Hinako has brought distance into their relationship.

He looks at Whiskey, a woman happily married, and wonders why his relationship with Hinako isn't like that.

~ shout out to @prisoner-000 for the following screenshot

in this post he points out that Hinako and Kazui's rings are silver in Cat, not gold like they were in Half, yet Bartender's ring colour stays the same.

For the sake of this writing I'm going to go with the first meaning they put out, that Bartender's ring is gold because his marriage is genuine.

But wait!! I hear you ask. This is Half and Kazui's ring is still gold in Half!! EXACTLY MY FRIEND!!

Kazui's ring IS still gold in Half because at the time of these scenes he's still fooling himself that this relationship is good, that he will eventually garner real romantic feelings for Hianko.

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

Remember this lyric that plays during the Whiskey -> Hinako scene. You know what other scene in Half this lyric reminds me of?

laughing together, side by side,

this distance in our relationship is misleading me,

is this what happiness is?

He's beginning to doubt if what he believes is true, he's beginning to believe the feelings telling him something's wrong (and remember, the scene right after this one is when he confesses (?) his secret to Hinako) ARE infact true, and that maybe the logic he's been following for so long has a couple holes in it.

I think these scenes are meant to show Kazui gradually realising that his relationship with Hinako will not work out. It just won't, no matter how hard he tries.

He's able to laugh together and talk with Whiskey because she's his friend, yet he can't do the same with his own wife? Even though, according to his gold ring, their relationship is supposed to be real and true and genuine?

#thats not even getting into the gay theory implications btw #bar kazui staring at audience kazui with the lyrics “all these memories and you / only if i could erase them”#because his crush on his friend literally haunts him and his relationship with hinako (the green apple)#confessing his love to his friend “just so its out in the open” because he so desperately needs to get it off his chest #most likely having his feelings not reciprocated as his friend his married and staring at his wife #who then transitions into hinako / wondering why he does not feel the same happiness with her than he does at the bar #because he's lying to himself and he's lying to her #he *knows* that their relationship is not happiness and yet he hides in denial #because it's not like he will be able to find his happiness anyway as his friend is already taken #sorry #this doesnt rlly make sense and i'm aware of that i wish i could beam what im trying to get at into ur head #unfortunately its nearly 11pm and when i was brainstorming this idea i had a nap and NEVER WROTE MY THOUGHTS DOWN (biggest mistake ever)#someone with a bigger vocabulary pls come and pick this up and explain it better thank youuuy #anyway just hope you get what im trying to say #thats all #sorry for the ramble in tha tags but also this is my house so #milgram #kazui mukuhara #hinako mukuhara #milgram theory #ig i never know what to title these

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bones-n-bookles · 5 days

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Cave Bean for @losech 💜

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xskyll · 11 months

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Page 15, for the second time! Apologies to those that saw the version I posted last night with the typo. My days lately have been busy, so sometimes I feel a bit brain foggy. A couple of people left comments on either here or Twitter and it killed me to delete everything. ;_;

Prev / Next

First

#skylldraws #i’m still counting this as part of my holiday streak #i posted on Mother’s Day and the day before Memorial Day #then I posted this originally on father’s day only to take it down and post on Juneteenth #The holidays might be part of why I’m feeling so exhausted lately #i end up having to visit family which is draining because i have to be on guard the whole time #but!!#next week i have some days off #hubby and i are going away and I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejuvenate #cause right now my motivation is low #some nights i get to the point where i can finally sit down and relax and all i have the energy to do is stare at the wall lolol #or watch tv #i recently started watching Nana for the first time #anyway I’ve babbled enough #we bought a new mattress and it’s tall so i need to go set up a ramp so my tiny dog can get into bed on his own #happy pride everyone #I watched To Wong Foo for the first time the other week and adored it #also went to a drag show Saturday and it was great #okay I’ll shut up now #here are the obligatory tags #tododeku #tddk #tdiz #todoizu #bnha #bnha comic #tddk comic #tddk fanart #todoroki x midoriya #todoroki x deku

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 month

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"To dream the impossible dream, that is my quest." - Prince Fernando of Asturias

+ Seb not getting what he ordered

+ the usual

Hello yes, look! It's baby Renault Fernando, isn't he so cute??? Who wouldn't want to force him into an arranged marriage, like cmon man be real. Here is the progress as usual, as well as his suit without the design, cause I'm pretty proud of it just blank even!

Okay so this is pure Fernando, innocent Fernando, before he had his apirations ripped way from him. Well not fully ripped away tbf, because that's the crux of his character: is it more humiliating to never succeed or to only succeed because someone handed it to you with concessions? I guess that's up for him to decide though ;;;

The thing I love about this drawing and young Fernando in general is how much easier it is to see his and Seb's similarities. Look how similar they look! Seb is just a bit more evil.

I think that's a big part as to why his feelings about Seb are so complicated. He both loves and hates how similar they are. From an egotistical point, he can appreciate and respect the familiar traits in Seb, the hunger, the exuberance, the pride, the ego. But also we hate seeing our own traits in other people, it's almost like turning a mirror on your worst traits and suddenly being able to see yourself from a new perspective. The biggest point here though is that Fernando turns that resentment onto Seb, as a way to clamp down on self hatred.

He becomes more bitter and resentful as he grows older, and loses a lot of his whimsy and joy. So it hurts him to see Seb, who in addition to getting everything he's ever wanted, also retain his whimsy. He, wrongly, just sees it as something that had to happen in order for him to grow up fully. It's more of a survival tactic, it started becoming unbefitting for him to have that level of unfounded confidence. That's the main reason he sees Seb as childish, immature and undeserving. He hasn't fully grown out of his capacity for whimsy and joy, and thus is below Fernando.

Well that was depressing oops! As the chibi art represents, this is probably a painting Seb got sent in the early days of planning their marriage. This is the Fernando who is still prideful, the Fernando who is still confident, the Fernando Seb vaguely remembers meeting his youth. Seeing this definitely pushes him even further towards the marriage(though tbf it's not like he even has a choice either.) Though when the time to actually start courting comes around, Fernando looks very uh different. This is both a joke about how different Fernando was in his first renault stint vs his second. But also I think he does show up very moody and disheveled, as a sort of last chance way to try and turn everyone on Seb's side, including Seb, off from the marriage. However, it's pretty much a done deal by that point.

Seb is uh, definitely confused, but I think he would be drawn to Fernando regardless. Actually, this might make Fernando even more appealing. Seb gets to push him all the time, try to break down his walls and get a glimpse at the real Fernando, if even just for a moment. Seb wishes he had more that just a blurry, vague recollection of Fernando at his peak confidence. Fernando definitely grows into something resembling his past self, after recovering from all the hurt, but there's just something about youthful exuberance that can't really be fully replicated.

Okay so about the quote. I went with Don Quixote this time instead of the typical Napoleon, because I thought it'd be funny. Fernando picks up the book at some point during his youth, and it inspires him a lot. He doesn't really see the satire in it, and comes to really admire Don Quixote's mentality, he's like "wow he never gives up! That's so admirable!" It definitely helps him through dark times to aspire to never give up no matter what. Though later Seb definitely rags on him for not knowing it was satire, and Fernando is like "wh-what do you mean satire?" But he's mentally strong enough atp for it to not cause his whole worldview collapse. About the quote specifically, there's definitely some part of him, even when young, that knows his aspirations are borderline impossible. I wonder if that part of him feels weirdly safe and comforted about the marriage. Yes, it's not ideal, but it's safe and secure. He gets what he wants, and there's no chance of anyone taking it away from him, no matter what.

I think his title would be Prince of Asturias? It was either that or duke, and I think prince fits him bettee(Machiavelli reference?) That title is currently the title for the heir to the Spanish throne. In this time period, it's also commonly used for the heir, but for Fernando it's a bit unsure. Like in real life, he's not directly the offspring, but he's still the most obvious choice for heir. But there's still enough room for Seb and his house to try to vie for the throne themselves, so it makes it all complicated.

#*btw that quote is from don quixote just so thats clear. creds to Cervantes lmfao. i explained in the read more why !#hahahaha all my lore and tags and everything got deleted so i had to rewrite this all. original post you will live on fondly in my memories #^ i was half asleep writing it the 2nd time so i hope its still good?#its always going to be inferior to me but ig it doesnt rly matter bcs im the only one who actually got to read it ha #anyways super happy with this ahhhh!!!#it was so much fun to draw. i got to focus more on the fashion and its great as well bcs renault's colors are fire #im also glad to draw him bcs i feel like ive neglected hima bit compared to the others! its been a fair bit since ive drawn him #i cant remember what else i said here haha so ill just say hope ya like!#im still happy with the characterization notes and lore in the read more so def read it still!!#and as always please inquire if you have any thoughts or question abt the au #fernando alonso #f1 #formula 1 #<- it gets more and more absurd every drawing to tag this but ah tradition ig #catie.art #boy king au #vettonso

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shivunin · 2 months

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If you had to pick 5 fics you’ve written to make a “crash course” and sum up your writing personality, which would they be?

Oooh thank you so much for asking! <3 I had to ponder this a bit, but here's what I think:

I love angst/confronting your feelings at the moment your loved one faces mortal peril so Only Ghosts (4,267 Words). It's all the tasty Zevran/Wen feelings after she takes a deadly wound in the Deep Roads.

I have to include As Two Reflected Stars (12,429 words) because I also love hurt/comfort and tracing the role a specific habit or occurrence has in character growth over time. In this case, healing.

Internal conflict is (I think!) one of my specialties so I offer up Only a Kiss (1,215 Words), the first thing I ever wrote for Wen and Zevran. Wen is always such a treat to write because so much goes unspoken with her, but I feel like this is a peak example of her warring with herself.

I also consider tropes I don't love a little puzzle to unwrap for myself, so next is Search Your Hands (13,581 words). I wrote it as a silly little story about cultural misunderstandings between Cullen and Lavellan. It wound up being a more well-liked fic than most of mine, which surprised me a lot!

Aaaand last but not least I will always be a sucker for unspoken feelings, idiots in love, and romantic tension, so Summer Tea (897 Words) with Elowen and Cullen. These two are the worst at making that first move with each other but it's so fun to write the lead-up.

#ask response #tried to find a decent balance of length here #but i left off all my longfic because i feel like that's less of a crash course and maybe #more of an advanced course in feelings lol #i only recommend them if you're into memory loss and/or crying #but To The Bone is a good intermediate step if you're wanting one!#if i had to summarize in like three phrases i think my writing personality is angst w a happy ending #and idiots in love and what defines personality/self #anyways!!! thank you so much for asking! this was fun to think about!

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artichow · 1 year

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doodling the blorbo of them all happy because-

#i love him so much still #but idc about mha #only the memories ig and this guy right here too!!#basically i went through some old drawings of mine from 2020/21 and there were more of hawks than i remembered #and they make me so happy like... hell yeah that was such a shit time in my life but i really did some cool drawings still #and i loved this guy too!!#anyway it was nice redrawing this doodle #mha fanart #hawks #keigo takami #mha #he does a happy little jump :3 #artidoesart

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cinna-bunnie · 30 days

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i love nuance, i love learning, i love knowing how something fundamentally works

#i was struggling throwing knives the other day bc my body picked up the muscle movements but what i taught it wasn't right exactly #i had to rly think about how my throw works and what I'm doing exactly. fundamentally #🚶🏾‍♀️ had to go back to being a noob at it while i trained w the right perspective and I'm v happy to not only have it back but #be better at it. much easier to switch between different sizes and weights‚ (much) higher stick rates‚ deeper penetration #☝🏾 my true test will be going to my friend's on Sunday and seeing if her bf still has his throwing knives and how i do w them 0:#i only played w them a bit on the first day but they're p small 😹 i feel comfies throwing the heavier n bigger it gets but idk #how it feels to move in the other direction yet. anyways‚ i am having fun ૮ – ﻌ–ა 🤌🏾 very happy i got back into this bc i feel like #in however brief time it's been i got better way faster than i did at 17 🙇🏾‍♀️ but I'm sure that initial learning helped #i mean. it did. that's why i was able to hit successfully sm times that first day. hm. so ig I've just been getting a more nuanced view 0:#muscle memory is crazy

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 10 months

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hmmmm having angsty Lights Out thoughts

#i know when i post about it i usually make it Lighthearted if not outright Memey #but oh boy. this au is dark. like - like beyond the literal meaning #imagine being abandoned by your creators without so much as a warning #one day the lights go out and thats it. no answers. no comfort. no friendly faces or explanation #show's over. curtains closed. doors locked. they're all gone #it's just waiting in a pitch black room because surely the lights will turn back on. the next day will come #but it Won't. the next day won't come. it will never come. your friends won't open their eyes again. it's just you now.#you've always had company - friends and the comfort of feeling Watched Over by something beyond your understanding #but you blinked and its gone now. it's just you. no matter what you try or what you do - its. just. you.#days and weeks and moths and years of silence and a complete lack of color #burning matches down to your fingertips just to remember what shade of yellow your fleece is #its still wrong. firelight stains the color.#slowly forgetting the sound of your friends voices and what their smiles looked like and what the memories you made with them were #what was your best friends favorite joke? what was his hotdog order? how did he laugh? he used to pose for your paintings didnt he?#you can't be sure anymore. maybe the neighborhood was always dead. maybe You're dead. how can you tell?#you don't breathe. they don't either. they used to didn't they? you never did but they used to. ...right? you hope their dreams are sweet #one of your friends starts sleepwalking. you're so happy. she hurts you. you know she didnt mean it. you're scared anyway.#you can only see with one eye now. it feels... Wrong. all of your chalk drawings start coming out wrong too.#you keep missing when you reach for things. just one more thing to adjust to #were the lights ever on? or was that your own dream? you thought that was something you couldnt do.#you also thought the lights always come back. you were wrong about that. what else are you wrong about?#wh lights out au #wailing sobbing screaming etc over lights out wally... this poor little 12 apples dude...#aimlessly wandering through the town... walking through the buildings....#eventually getting so fucking lonely and desperate that you keep your best friend's severed arm for comfort #all you can do is protect your eternally sleeping friends from the Things crawling out of the shadows #mark another tally on the ground for each full circle the town clock's short hand completes #and wait for the day you fall asleep and join your friends dreams. it will happen someday.#you can feel it in the pitch seeping from your eyes and mouth. more with each decade that passes #just a little while longer. some more waiting. just you. in the dark.

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brittlebutch · 7 months

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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

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sysig · 8 months

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For a second request: Philza and Ghostbur interacting! Ive always found this idea SO interesting. Like, that's your son that you killed interacting with you even though it's not technically your son but he looks like him and kinda sounds like him but it's NOT him. The mental toll that would take.

Day 6 - So many friends!

#My art #Requestober #DSMP #Ghostbur #Ph1lza #Theirs really is one of the more tragic dynamics on DSMP huh #'Cause like you said - Ghostbur isn't Alivebur! And yet he has enough of his memories to be Something #That's not Phil's son - and yet he's also not NOT Phil's son huh ♪#I mean it doesn't exactly help that Phil adopts kids left and right lol but still for That Specific relationship #I really think the most heartbreaking aspect is that that Phil knows that Ghostbur is a ''happy'' ghost -#And yet the memories he kept of Phil are so - well y'know ♫#Ghostbur's a really fascinating character and Wilbur portrays him so well <3 #Anyway on a happier note haha - Friend! :D #Friend has a bunch of blue on him 'cause Will was petting him pfft #Ignore that his wool is already blue shhh shshshshhhshsh lol #Petting his ears and squishing his cute little face! Very important spectral activities lol #And then Phil's also patting his head! All sorts of nice pats!#Was nice to draw Phil digitally too :D Been a while since I drew him last!#I guess you could interpret it as him only having one wing (although it's his left wing that's injured isn't it? Or is that just fanon lol)#But really the other one is just blocked out by his body haha #I miss Ghostbur :') The compilations just aren't the same as having him around a bit longer

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good-beanswrites · 10 months

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hiihiii i love the way u write shidou smmmm so if ur requests r still open id like something with shidou + lies <3

Hellooo thank you!! Shidou zoomed his way into my favorites and I really enjoy writing him, haha! Here's a bit of him hanging with the smoking group T1

The problem with lying, Shidou had found, is that you end up fooling everyone involved. If you spend time trying to deceive someone, the people close to you will also believe it. If you continue, it will affect all those in proximity. And, if you do it for long enough, you’ll start to deceive yourself.

Shidou had certainly lost track of his lies for a while. Right before it had all come crashing down around him, he’d almost believed all the beautiful tales of hope and health he’d been spreading. He’d almost seen the world as the place he’d been describing.

And then the truth hit him; it crushed him. Seeing all the blood on his hands, he’d tried to swear the whole thing off in what little time he had left in this life. But, like his other habits, it was a difficult one to break.

He exhaled smoke into the room, listening to Mikoto go on about the busy days of his office job. Shidou was concerned how he still spoke about everything as if he’d be heading right back after all this.

He wanted nothing more than to sit him down for an examination. There were several reasons he may not remember his crime -- it was most likely the emotional shock, but Shidou couldn’t rule out the possibility of a head injury, an illness, a seizure, a stroke, or even it being a side effect of whatever drugs Milgram must have given the prisoners when bringing them here. It took everything in him to let Mikoto be. After all, no one was going to request help from a “killer doctor,” and he didn’t have any of his usual equipment.

So he just stood and smoked in silence.

“What about you?” Kazui asked. “My line of work definitely stressed me out, too. But I don’t think I’ve seen you bat an eye at anything since coming here.” He nudged Shidou. “Are you just as cool under pressure as those movie doctors?”

Shidou’s lips angled to a smile. “I suppose so. Though, I believe they look calm because they’re meant to appear perfectly competent. I’m calm so that patients don’t realize I am imperfect.”

Was that all he was, when he killed those people? Just ‘imperfect’?

Seeing the way Mikoto’s eyebrows shot up, he clarified, “I’m very competent, mind you. But no doctor is perfect. Many patients will panic if you show even the slightest sign of doubt.”

He teased, “so you just lie to everyone all day? Damn, remind me to watch out the next time I go in for a checkup.”

“No, it isn’t like that.” Wasn’t it?

The other two continued the conversation, but Shidou grew quiet. Was that something else he’d started to believe? Another thing he’d convinced himself was normal when, in fact, it was very, very wrong?

“I get that. Confidence is really important when dealing with dangerous situations.”

“Heh, I’ve definitely put up a bit of an act around here for some of the younger prisoners. I think it’s been helping, they seem calmer from when this all started.”

That’s right -- his goal was always to help, to calm. He watched Mikoto rub his temple absently, and knew another headache was approaching and knew what to do for it. He’d helped Haruka get over a cold the past week. He and Kotoko had discussed nutrition tips the other day. He was still doing good. The smile that he put up for the others was still doing good.

“Well, I’m glad we’ve got a professional around here.” Kazui gestured his cigarette to Shidou, snapping him away from his thoughts. “Nothing against the guard, but it’s nice to have someone like you who can help me look out for everyone.”

“Yeah, feel better about being here already!” Mikoto slung an arm around him. The boy's expression showed he was trying to appear in on some joke. “So, doc, you think that all of us are getting out of this crazy place in one piece?”

Shidou wanted to warn him the situation was more serious than he knew. Milgram was not a big joke. He was not a man to be trusted. He was not a man to be forgiven.

But old habits die hard.

“Oh, I'm sure of it.”

#milgram #shidou kirisaki #mikoto kayano #thank you for the request ahh!! i tried to peek into his mind a bit more -- hes got a lot going on in there ough...#its neat that he and kazui are such different flavors of liars #kazui is hiding himself out of fear - always painfully aware of the truth #but shidou lies to make others happy and help more people and to save more lives - all the while believing it a bit himself #many of the other prisoners reached the end of their patience with their lies/what they were hiding. they finally broke.#but shidous final murder happened because he was completely consumed by his own lie #and now - despite having suicide-level guilt over it - hes still helping people and needing to put up those old masks #hes just so !!!! *shakes him violently*#on another note he strikes me as the type to be constantly noticing things and itching to help #everyones kinda sure that mikotos trauma is repressing his memory but shidou is the only one who it Really bothers #anyway i hope you enjoy!#drabbles

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skunkg1rll · 17 days

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maybe i should just be grateful he didnt full on block me everywhere

#but... does it matter when he doesnt even talk to me..#im like mentally and emotionally blocked lol #im trying so hard not to spam him w messages and get myself actually blocked #but i wanna die #i dont understand how he can just .. not care abt me #i really need to get over this but idk how #i need to start accepting that my blog is my ONLY friend #and i need to talk to my blog as i want to talk to a friend #then it wont matter anymore if ppl come and go #bc my blog will always be my best friend #i need toget ober the avpd shame of like damn i posted this and got 0 notes #bc i dont post for notes #in fact the less ppl who follow and see the better bc getting attention is scary #but im like wow if someone sees this theyll think im a loser #but i dont actually care!!!#anyway i wanna send cat pics to someone #and he doesnt wanyt my cat pics anymore #so i should like make a tag on my blog which is my real friend #and share pics of my cat whenever i want #thats good too bc then i can save it as memory on my online diary #^-^!!!#but bc of childhoos neglect i have this compulsive need to share things WITH a person #anyway i need to get over that #im sad bc i miss HIM as a person but also that i could share things w him #but yeah... whatever!!! i should be happy he hasnt blocked me. yet.... :(#and i need to be careful and not give into the urge to message him and be like umm why dont j care i miss u helloooo #bc then he willblock me and yeah i cant dealwith that :((

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