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m1ckeyb3rry · 2 months

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── THE GLASS PRINCESS // THREE

Series Synopsis: You wake up in a strange room with no memories, broken glass at your bedside, and a prince named Zuko as your only chance at figuring out who you really are.

Chapter Synopsis: You have your first day at the Royal Fire Academy, where you meet the other girls, including Kaho.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 5.1k

Content Warnings: complicated relationships (strangers to friends to lovers to enemies to strangers to lovers to enemies to lovers), amnesia, alternate universe, lots of secrets and lying and mystery

A/N: zuko in his letters (sage, wise, cool and collected) vs zuko irl (SOO fucking awkward)

To His Royal Highness The Prince Zuko,

I apologize for my earlier language. In truth, it feels strange for me to speak to you as if you were my friend. I think that it is because you are my benefactor, and a prince besides, so there is a need for formal and proper conduct. We have that kind of relationship, if you can see it from my perspective.

Your offer of help is greatly appreciated, though I am not quite sure what I have done to deserve it. I shall try to solve my troubles on my own, when I can, but if it should come to it, I will try to remember that I have the prince of the Fire Nation on my side. I wonder how many girls at the academy can claim that, indeed!

Anyways, my roommate is nice. Her name is Jia-Li, and she is self-reportedly average, but all told, we get along well enough. I wish I could say the same for the rest of my classmates — barring, naturally, Ty Lee — but I am afraid to report that we already do not get along. There is this one girl, Kaho, who has a specific grudge against me, despite my attempts at avoiding that outcome…but I should not bore you with the details. Suffice to say that not everyone is as kind as Jia-Li and Ty Lee and Mai and you have been. It is as Jia-Li said, though: two true friends are better than ten false ones. It does not upset me (though it might if I am challenged to an Agni Kai!)

Thank you for feeding Bian. She did seem pleased when she returned to the aviary at the academy. I also gave her a treat. By the way, the falconer said she was supposed to be yours. Is that true? If it is, then I do not think that I deserve such a creature, though of course I thank you for giving her to me anyways. She is very beautiful and possesses a gentle heart, which is a solace in the more trying times.

Ever Your Highness’s humble and obedient servant Sincerely, Ursa

P.S. I am sorry to say that I still do not recall anything about my past. I shall keep you updated if that changes.

You were up before Jia-Li, nervous energy thrumming through you in anticipation for the first day of classes. Ty Lee had stayed late into the night, and then you had spent the candle Jia-Li had lit for you writing to Prince Zuko, so you hadn’t had any time to read or prepare for lessons.

“Ugh,” Jia-Li groaned when you threw open the curtains, the rising sunlight filtering into the room, a beam landing directly on her face, which she promptly covered with a pillow. “What are you doing?”

“You’re a Firebender, aren’t you? Don’t you all rise with the sun anyways?” you said.

“I don’t know who told you that, but they were full of bullshit,” Jia-Li said. “I rise after I’ve had a full night’s rest, which I have not yet.”

“Breakfast is soon,” you said, pulling on your shoes. “You’ll miss it if you don’t get ready now, and then you’ll have to go to class on an empty stomach. I’m sure that doesn’t sound appealing.”

“On second thoughts, I miss not having a roommate,” Jia-Li said, though she did toss aside her pillow and roll out of the bed, thudding to the ground and shoving her feet in a pair of fluffy slippers. Her hair stuck up every which way, and there were bags under her half-lidded eyes as she trudged past you to her vanity table. “You can go ahead and meet Ty Lee in the dining hall now, if you want. I’ll come down later.”

“Do you think she’ll be there already?” you said.

“Yeah,” Jia-Li said. “That girl is the epitome of a morning person. She’s probably been anxiously waiting for you for a while now.”

“Then I shouldn’t keep her waiting any longer,” you said. “See you in class, Jia-Li.”

“See you, Ursa,” she said.

As Jia-Li had predicted, Ty Lee was waiting outside of the door to the dining hall, where all of the girls who boarded at the academy had their meals. She was playing with her fingers nervously, but when she saw you, she bloomed with joy, dancing over to stand beside you.

“Good morning! Are you ready for our first day?” she trilled.

“Not at all,” you said. “I didn’t have any time to read yesterday. I don’t know anything. If the teacher calls on me, I’ll be lost.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ty Lee said, putting a piece of bread on her plate and spreading something on its fluffy surface. “We’re new, so we’ll probably get away with sitting in the back and doing the bare minimum.”

“Let’s hope so,” you said, copying her, trusting her to know what was and wasn’t good to eat at the school. She flounced to the end of the table, and you followed her, sitting across from her so that you two could talk.

“Ty Lee!” a girl said. “Come sit with us!”

“No, sit with us!” another said.

“We asked first!” the first girl said.

“So? She obviously likes us more, we’re way hotter!” the second argued. They began to squabble as you gave Ty Lee a bewildered look.

“What is going on?” you said.

“Besides Kaho, almost everyone at the school liked me…” she said awkwardly. “I guess you could say I was popular! Everyone’s happy I’m back.”

“Looks like it,” you said, baffled at just how many people were trying to claim the spot at Ty Lee’s side. Thankfully, none of them tried to take your space, though you got your own share of dirty glares, which you could only cock your head at in confusion.

“Guys, go away. I’m trying to hang out with my friend from the palace, Ursa,” Ty Lee said.

“What was she there, a servant?” one of the girls said. You glanced down at your clothes, which were the same uniform as everyone else, and then you swallowed. Unlike the other girls, with their expensive hair ribbons and jewelry, you didn’t have anything to your name that marked you as a daughter of nobility — because you weren’t one. It was a safe assumption for the girl to make, and it was even one you’d made about yourself in the past, so why did it hurt your feelings that she had said such a thing?

“Hey!” Ty Lee said. “She’s a friend of the prince — I mean, the princess! Yeah, that’s right, she’s Azula’s friend!”

Immediately, the girls scrambled away from you, and the one who had called you a servant paled. Dropping to her knees before Ty Lee, she bowed her head.

“I am so, so sorry. I didn’t mean any disrespect to a friend of Princess Azula’s!” she said.

“Apologize to Ursa,” Ty Lee said, chipper again now that she had found some kind of justice for you.

“It’s fine, Ty Lee. I can see why she thought that, so I’m not upset,” you said. The girl took the opportunity to leap to her feet and race to the other side of the table, the others following suit at the reminder of the princess.

“Those girls are all jerks,” Ty Lee said once you were alone again. “I’m sorry she was talking about you like that.”

“It’s not something you should say sorry for,” you said. “You didn’t do it. Anyways, I was expecting it; Jia-Li told me that the girls aren’t that nice, so it’s not a surprise. The real question is why you claimed my association to be with the princess instead of the prince.”

“Oh, that’s an easy one to answer,” she said. “They all remember Azula from when she attended, so she’s a more concrete threat in their minds. Only a few of them have met Zuko, and he’s been banished for a while, so his name doesn’t carry as much weight. Besides, if you’re associated with one member of the royal family, you’re associated with all of them, so I wasn’t technically wrong.”

“Alright,” you said, forcing yourself to chew on your food, even though it felt heavy and leaden in your mouth. It wasn’t a question of taste; somewhere, in the back of your mind, you could tell that you would ordinarily like eating this. It was your nerves which were ruining the experience, which made your tongue stiff and your jaw tight. You knew, though, that you needed food in order to have energy for the day, so you made yourself eat it despite your misgivings, despite the mental labor that even the mere act of swallowing took.

The classroom was small, which made sense, considering there were only a few girls in your year. What didn’t make sense was that the two desks in the very front were left open, though you had an inkling that one specific person had something to do with it.

“Ty Lee. Ursa,” a girl said. Her hair was pin straight and dark, half of it tied up with a white-and-gold ribbon, the rest falling around her shoulders, her midnight eyes reflecting the torches hanging around the classroom. “We saved you two seats.”

“Kaho,” Ty Lee said through gritted teeth. “You shouldn’t have.”

“I know,” Kaho said. “You can say I did it out of the goodness of my own heart.”

“Like I said,” Ty Lee said. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Thank you,” you said softly, not wanting to get into an argument with the very girl Jia-Li had warned you about last night.

“See,” Kaho said. “At least one of you has proper manners. Though, to be honest, I would’ve expected the daughter of a nobleman to be raised better than the girl that the prince found in the trash.”

“She wasn’t found in the trash!” Ty Lee said.

“Wasn’t she?” Kaho said.

“You can let it be, Ty Lee. It’s fine,” you said. “Let’s just sit down before the Etiquette Mistress gets here.”

Your first class was on the proper etiquette to have in polite society. Considering the many subtleties of etiquette, this was something you were nervous for, as you had no idea how to behave in polite society, or what any of that meant in the first place. It seemed that the others expected as much, for there was a multitude of snickers as you sat in the very front and waited for the Etiquette Mistress to arrive.

“Wonderful, everyone is on time!” the Etiquette Mistress said as she walked in exactly at the second class had to start. She was a neatly dressed and perfectly put together woman, with not even an eyelash out of place. “Let’s begin promptly with a review from our last class. Who can tell me what the three pillars of etiquette are?” She scanned the room, but only one girl had her hand raised. “Kaho?”

“Respect, consideration, and punctuality,” Kaho said, smirking as she folded her hands in her lap. The Etiquette Mistress did not frown, but the corners of her mouth threatened to tug downwards, and before you could think about it, you were raising your own hand.

“Ursa?” the Etiquette Mistress said. “Do you have something else to add?”

“It’s a common misconception that punctuality is a pillar of etiquette. However, in truth, it is not a pillar unto itself but rather a natural development and extension of the pillars of respect and consideration,” you said, though you had no idea where the words were coming from, only that some long-dormant knowledge of yours was bubbling to the surface. “The third pillar is actually honesty, madam, though of course honesty does not imply brutality but tact, benevolence, and integrity.”

Everyone in the room was silent. You could feel Kaho’s eyes boring holes into your back, but you stared steadily ahead, waiting for the Etiquette Mistress to react.

She smiled slightly. “That is correct. I also appreciate that you addressed me with a title; it demonstrates an elegant sort of etiquette that a lady must be born with or else have studied in depth from a young age.”

“Thank you, madam,” you said. The Etiquette Mistress nodded before turning to the board so that she could continue to teach you a lesson on which utensils to use for which meal.

This, too, you excelled in. You were the only student who knew when to use each utensil, even during the trick questions that the Etiquette Mistress threw out to trip you up. With every subsequent test passed, you felt your approval in the eyes of the Etiquette Mistress rising, though it was rapidly falling amongst your classmates, especially Kaho, who must’ve once been the star of the class.

“I thought you said you didn’t have time to study!” Ty Lee hissed once the Etiquette Mistress had left and you all were given a five minute break before the History Mistress arrived.

“I didn’t,” you said.

“Huh? Then how’d you manage to answer her questions so perfectly?” she said.

“I’m not sure. I just knew it already, somehow,” you said.

“Looks like Prince Zuko has a keen eye,” Kaho said from behind you. “To find the diamond amongst the sludge.”

For some reason, even though she was calling you a diamond, it didn’t feel like much of a compliment. Ty Lee seemed to agree, her kind, open face closing into a dark scowl.

“Kaho, you should just shut up,” she said.

“Is that a challenge?” Kaho said.

“It could be, but don’t forget that I’m one of Azula’s most trusted comrades. Is that a fight you think you could win?” Ty Lee said. Kaho seemed furious, but she had no argument, not when Ty Lee was objectively correct.

“The History Mistress will be here soon,” Jia-Li interjected, trying to break the tension. “Let’s forget about all of this and move on.”

“Sozin’s beard, Jia-Li, nobody cares about history,” Kaho said, rolling her eyes. “Just sit in the back and keep quiet like usual.”

Jia-Li stuck her tongue out at Kaho when the other turned away, but you noticed she did not stand up for herself. Ty Lee was the only one who was brave enough to say anything, and even then, you wondered how much of it was false bravado and how much of it was genuine self-confidence.

“Good morning, class,” the History Mistress said.

“Good morning, History Mistress,” you all chorused in unison.

“Today, we will be learning about an event that occurred relatively recently, but will definitely be written down in the history books in the years to come: Prince Zuko’s defeat of Ba Sing Se,” she said.

Ba Sing Se — it was where the prince had found you. You knew that the city had, at some point, fallen to the Fire Nation, but you didn’t know what had happened or how it had happened. This was definitely a topic of some personal interest to you, and you could not help leaning forward in your seat a bit.

“I thought we might go over this, since we now have a personal connection to it in the class,” the History Mistress said. “Namely, Ursa, who was found by Prince Zuko during the invasion.”

The entire class turned to look at you as the History Mistress began to draw a diagram on the board. The weight of their gazes was a suffocating burden, but you did not afford them the privilege of seeing you crumple, for you knew that you had to, in some way, remain strong, lest they pounce upon your perceived weakness.

“During his hunt for the Avatar, Prince Zuko and his uncle, the former General Iroh, found themselves separated from their ship and amongst Earth Kingdom refugees fleeing to the capital city of Ba Sing Se.

“It seemed to be a damning sentence; after all, what place does Fire Nation royalty have in such a city? But our prince is wise and loyal. He and his uncle opened a tea shop in order to bide their time, blending in with the city and learning its secrets.

“Taking a risk, he wrote to his father, telling him he had found a way into Ba Sing Se. The Fire Lord Ozai, who has always had the utmost of faith in his son to do what must be done, sent him the Soldiers of Agni in aid, promising a larger army if the Soldiers of Agni were not enough.

“For those of you who do not recall our lesson from the beginning of the term about the military structures that Fire Lord Azulon put into place, the Soldiers of Agni are the most elite Firebenders in the nation, excepting, of course, the royal family.

“So these proud men, who were the epitome of Fire itself, donned the muddy browns and greens of the Earth Kingdom on the command of their lord and snuck into Ba Sing Se in the same way that Prince Zuko and former General Iroh had. There, they met the prince, who formed their plan of attack.

“On the agreed-upon date, the Soldiers of Agni and Prince Zuko stormed the palace, beginning by executing all of the guards who tried to fight back. The rest of the guards, knowing they were outnumbered, quickly defected, and when the former General Iroh tried to stop them, they took him prisoner for the royal family, allowing the Soldiers of Agni and Prince Zuko to continue their invasion.

“Their main goal was to get rid of everyone who lived in that palace, in which they were successful. Not even the Earth King’s pet bear was spared. He and the rest of the palace’s inhabitants were destroyed, along with an entire wing of the Earth Palace, which the Soldiers of Agni brought crumbling to the ground with their fire and their might.

“Sadly, all of the Soldiers of Agni that fought to take the Earth Palace lost their lives that day. Most of the palace staff were Earthbenders, and they fought back, outnumbering the Soldiers of Agni ten to one. The Soldiers of Agni possessed superior skills, but those were barely enough against such a large quantity of enemies.

“We cannot forget the sacrifices they made. It is through the bravery, spirit, and courage of the Soldiers of Agni that the Fire Nation finally took Ba Sing Se for good. Even in a confrontation where they were at such an enormous disadvantage, the Soldiers of Agni kept fighting for their country, their home, and for the Fire Lord, eventually emerging victorious, though they were unable to enjoy the fruits of their victory. We must always follow this example of duty and selflessness, ever asking ourselves what we, too, can give up for the welfare of the Fire Nation.”

After her long-winded explanation, the History Mistress exhaled, wiping away a tear from the corner of her left eye and then holding her hands to her heart. You all had a quiet moment, presumably in honor of the Soldiers of Agni, and then, tentatively, Jia-Li raised her hand.

“History Mistress, what does all of that have to do with Ursa?” she said.

“That’s something you should ask her, not me,” the History Mistress said, motioning towards you. “Go on, Ursa. Tell us what part you played in this entire tale.”

You gulped. “To be frank, I don’t remember myself what my role was, but I’ve been filled in by Mai and Prince Zuko. Apparently, I was a Fire Nation soldier on the front lines, but at some point, I was taken prisoner by the Earth Kingdom. They were torturing me in Ba Sing Se for Fire Nation secrets. After invading the city, Prince Zuko found me, and he brought me to the palace to be healed. It was there that I woke up without any memories.”

“You were a soldier?” Kaho said, without even raising her hand. She scoffed. “You look entirely too soft to ever have been fighting on the front lines.”

“Kaho, she was in jail for who knows how long,” Jia-Li said softly. “Of course she’s not in fighting shape anymore. Especially if they were torturing her…poor Ursa. You’re so brave for not giving in.”

“That’s right,” the History Mistress said. “We must all endeavor to be like Ursa, as well, who after all of her ordeals is still set upon nothing but improving herself for her country. She truly is the example of what a Fire Nation citizen should be like. Now, let us thank her for sharing her story.”

“Thank you, Ursa,” everyone said. You sat on your hands and hated every second of it. You didn’t like the attention being called to you once again. You just wanted to fade into the background and be forgotten, but more and more, it seemed like that was impossible.

“The topic of prisoners is a great segue into what we’re going to be talking about in today’s lesson. Who can name one historical Fire Nation figure that was also kept in captivity by the Earth Kingdom?” the History Mistress said.

To no one’s surprise, it was Kaho volunteering once more, but this time, she was unchallenged, as you focused all of your energy on writing notes about the material. After all, you didn’t know any of this, and you figured it was likely important that you pick up such things, considering the entirely blank slate that was your mind at present.

The academy’s aviary was only a short walk from the dormitories, and you found yourself frequenting the path already, both because of your correspondence with Prince Zuko and because Bian was one of the few beings that you could say without question was your friend.

“I don’t understand why they already have decided that I am so worthless,” you sniffed, finally allowing yourself to cry in the solitude of the aviary.

Bian tilted her head at you, nudging you with her cold beak. You wiped away your tears before scratching her on her feathery chest.

“I don’t even know half of their names,” you said. “Yet they are convinced that I am someone less than them. Someone worthless. They think of me as waste, Bian — a rubbish girl who does not deserve to be their peer.”

Of course, your messenger hawk was not intimately acquainted with the subtleties of such politics and divisions, but for the moment, it seemed as if she understood, as she let out a low, rumbling coo. It was the most comfort you could dream of, and you bit your lip to prevent a sob from falling past your lips.

“Maybe it’s true,” you said. “You can decorate trash all you want. At the end of the day, you can’t change what it is. Maybe I don’t belong here. I don’t know what Prince Zuko was thinking, sending me to study with these girls.”

Bian nipped your sleeve, almost like a reprimand. You gave her a warning look, reminding her to keep her beak to herself, but all you earned in response was indifference — your reward for thinking a bird could read your expressions and would care about them, even if she could.

“And for some reason, Kaho has a personal vendetta against me,” you said. “I can’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve it. Is it because I corrected her during our etiquette class? But she hated me even before that.”

Jia-Li had mentioned something about Kaho envying you for your closeness with the royal family, but it wasn’t as if you had chosen that. You hadn’t chosen to be saved by Prince Zuko. You hadn’t chosen to lose your memories. You hadn’t chosen to live like this. None of it was in your control, so why did she blame you for it all?

“I just wish I knew who I was,” you said. “Things would be easier if I knew there was someone who loved me. Someone who was waiting for me to come back. If I was a Fire Nation soldier, then my family — they might be nearby, right? I should…I should be trying to find them, not studying at this school!”

You could feel the judgment rolling off of Bian in waves, which was ridiculous, because she was after all just a messenger hawk and was incapable of judging anyone. Still, if she were a person, you fancied she would be judging you at the moment, and your shoulders slumped as you realized how ridiculous you sounded.

“I’m in a position that many greatly desire, and here I am, complaining. I am in an elite institution, my tutelage sponsored by a prince who is only all-too-eager to help me with whatever I need. It is silly that I am so upset, it’s just that — it’s just that I feel like some part of me is missing. Like I lost who I am when I lost my memories, and not just in the sense of my identity. It was something physical. There is something more to me that is out of my grasp, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot reach it,” you said, extending your hand and closing your fist around empty air.

As per usual, there was nothing. It was a futile exercise. No matter how many times you did it, the result would be the same. You would not be able to find that part of you again, not for some time.

“Who am I, really?” you said to Bian. “That’s what I want to know. Who was Ursa? Who were my parents? Did I have siblings? What about friends? What did I do for fun? I don’t know any of it. I feel like I will only be happy again if I can find out. Even if it’s terrible. Even if it means reliving the torture that the Earth Kingdom put me through. I just want to remember.”

But try as you might, there was still nothing. You still had no idea who you were. Although you had had a full day of instruction at the academy, you were in no better of a position than you had been on the day you started.

Ursa,

You really can just call me Zuko. You don’t have to refer to me as the prince, unless you are completely more comfortable with that. Though it is true that I am your benefactor, I am not someone you should defer to. If you can bring yourself to do it, then I should like if you actually think of me as your friend. I would like to consider you mine, and so I will speak to you as if you are until you tell me otherwise.

I’d expect that none of the girls at the academy can claim that the prince of the Fire Nation is offering them friendship, and will be on their side even if they should reject that offer! Anyways, I have no doubt that you will be able to solve any issues that come your way, but sometimes, it is nice to have support. I want to be that for you. Even if it is not me, I hope there is someone at the academy who you can turn to for that.

It is a relief to hear that your roommate is someone likable. I asked Mai about Jia-Li; though she had nothing favorable to say, there was also nothing unfavorable, which is almost more of a compliment, coming from her. It’s good to know that you do not have to sleep beside someone you detest.

And speaking of, I am angered to hear that they have been treating you that way. Please remember that you are worth ten of them in my eyes. You only need to say the word, and I will have them spoken to harshly. Especially that Kaho, who has always been the horrid type (Mai was a little more explicit in her description, but I will spare you the specifics. Just imagine the most obscene expletives you can think of, and then imagine something even worse — that is probably in the range of what she was saying about her). Do not let her get you down; she is a spoiled, sheltered girl whose father is an Admiral and allows her to get away with doing whatever she wants because of his high status in the military. If you stand up to her, then I am sure she will back down. People like that usually do.

Yes, Bian was supposed to be my hawk, but I already have one and have no need for another, so she would’ve just sat in the aviary once I received her. It is for her own good that I gave her to you. If you do not like such an extravagant creature being yours alone, then you may imagine that you are borrowing her from me for the time being (though I will not accept her return — I think that she is attached to you now).

She is an exemplary bird, is she not? The falconer was very proud of her when she hatched. Although, I don’t know if anyone else would agree that she possesses a gentle heart; it’s not something typically said about messenger hawks, which are frequently ill-tempered. It is further proof that she is fond of you and was always meant to be yours, no matter whose name she was hatched in.

My own life has been dreadfully boring as of late. Meeting after meeting after meeting…it is definitely busy, being the prince of the Fire Nation. It’s like everyone wants to talk to me suddenly! But I’m not complaining. I much prefer being home to living on a ship and constantly wondering when I can go back, even if I had considerably more free time back then.

I cannot think of anything else to write to you about, but I do not wish to stop quite yet, because once I am done with this letter, I will have to attend to some paperwork that I have been putting off.

It has been sunny recently. The cooks made my favorite meal yesterday. Mai has been moping a lot more than usual (I think she misses Ty Lee). I gave bread to the turtleducks in the pond, and it seemed to cheer their spirits. My father allows me to sit at his right side for meetings nowadays, though as always, Azula is at his left.

That’s about it. I guess that, as the heir to the throne, I should not keep procrastinating. It’s not very princely of me.

Yours, Zuko

P.S. Once again, I am sorry to hear that.

P.P.S. Please keep writing to me frequently, and with as many boring details as you care to include. I like hearing from you will take any excuse to not fill out these ridiculously tedious forms.

#zuko x reader #zuko x y/n #zuko x you #zuko #avatar the last airbender #atla #reader insert #the glass princess #canon au #m1ckeyb3rry writes

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brostateexam · 24 days

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Have not been saying much for a while because everything is hard.

I. My BiL has had c diff three times now and after the third time the oncologist decided to take a damn the torpedoes approach because they were wasting weeks that should have been devoted to chemo because he was too sick and too weak to withstand outpatient treatment. I haven't seen him irl since December but my mom says he looks rough and if his immune system is so messed up that he keeps getting c diff idk that I really want to visit him. What if I get him sick?

All of this is background to me, though, because mostly I'm invested in my sister. She wants to divorce him. He needs to be better enough that she won't face ostracization for doing so. I am invested in him getting better enough for that to proceed for her sake.

II. Something about my relationship with my mom has been bothering me and I finally figured out what it is: everything is equally important to her. She doesn't prioritize anything. If I am having a tough time and ask for help she'll say "well I'm busy every day this week but I can come over next week in Thursday for ninety minutes" and then when she comes over I ask her what she was up to, both to make conversation and because I'm nosy, and it's like... she volunteered for a clothing drive at the synagogue. She went grocery shopping. She went to a farmer's market. Thanks for fitting me into your schedule, I guess! Glad to know I am on the same level as farm fresh tomatoes.

III. I have been having a really tough time of it for the last few months. The vacation in Mexico was... Not restful. Shane had a seizure on the plane and I spent the first two days managing logistics related to that (and navigating the extra ~$2k I spent covering his medical costs while on the trip). His back is still fucked up almost two months later and so I get to do extra housework and chores because he can't lift or bend without being in pain.

IV. Resultant to III, I had a really awful period of about a month with an online friend who started being super short and terse with me because I've been around online less. It was really clear he felt like I was ditching him to go hang out with my cool friends or something, instead of the reality of the situation: I'm cleaning litter boxes and doing yard work and changing the sheets on the bed aka #livingthedream. I told him about all the stuff that was going on but it was clear he didn't believe me or resented my absence nevertheless. This came to a head with me basically texting him an essay about why he was being a bad friend. In a turn of good news, he listened, and apologized, and we mended fences. That was nice because I just don't know how much more bad news I can take right now.

V. I've been struggling with work but really it's just. My boss. My coworkers like me. My project sponsors like me. My skip level likes me. My exec likes me. It's just him. We don't have a good relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that it is fixable. This is a problem because this is the guy I need in my corner to advance my career and I don't know that he'll do that for me. The alternative is leaving my company, which sounds attractive on paper but in practice the job market is so so bad and it's just so discouraging. The idea of a new job sounds incredible. I wish I could do that. Maybe even a career change.

VI. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen because of financial pressures. NGL, as much as I like my house (and I do -- I love its little windows, I love my pink dining nook and green bedroom, I love the mature fruit trees and pretty backyard full of wildflowers), I wish i had the cash in hand, instead. I feel trapped here, and like I'm making the most of it. That's a shit feeling to have.

VII. I've started regaining weight. Not a lot. Fifteen pounds since October. But it's scaring me. It's making me wonder if this whole surgery thing was pointless because I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to eat myself to death. So I'm trying to beat it back without resorting to "diet culture behaviors" (read: disordered eating) and that's tough.

There could be a separate post for things that are going well perhaps, but this is what's going not so well and it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like too much.

#*eating disorder #*cancer #*money

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imaginespazzi · 11 days

Note

Nivi – hey bestie, you’ve done it again – I wasn’t sure it could get more heartbreaking than the last one and yet!

As always, the writing is- well, it’s everything.

The parallels between high school them and college them was immaculate, and I so wish Paige could have fulfilled her dream of kissing Azzi under the confetti, but alas, maybe in another universe 😉

I loved the little exchange about UConn and California, and how that possibility was always there but Paige could just never accept it.

P and UConn winning the natty this year – it had to happen in at least one universe, so thank you for letting it happen in this one.

Side note: Drew and Paige interactions are always top tier, and very much the type of momentary fluff that I needed to break up the sadness while reading.

Side note 2: I love that I don’t even need to imagine what Azzi wearing Paige’s jersey would look like, but I’m glad ucla au Paige got to experience it too 🥹

The celebration with the team was so cute and of course it would be KK that basically helps break the ice (and her lil innocent “you should bring her around more often” 🥺). Also, all the little moments Az got with everyone else in the team was so wholesome, and ofc queen Nika being a loveable menace who’s always just looking out for her twin.

Side note 3: I love love love the two piggyback moments haha, just because that’s so pazzi core to me idk, I feel like there’s been a lot of photos where Azzi is piggybacking Paige irl, like that’s very much their thing so I adored seeing it incorporated here. But then, the ending. I knew it was coming, but it certainly did not make it hurt any less when we got there. “Fuck,” Paige’s voice is still wracked with sleep, “I thought you left.” “That’s more your style,” Azzi says – this was particularly heartbreaking, but I can’t really blame Azzi, even if P is trying so hard to make things right.

Overall, I may or may not have been tearing up throughout the entire chapter, and it somehow hit me even harder the second time I read through it? I think that’s just testament to your writing tbh.

Thoughts on what’s next:

Do things finally start getting better? It can’t get any worse, can it? (famous last words) 😅

I did wonder actually, whether you’d have them win or lose the natty, only because if they did win which obviously they did here (thank you), could that maybe change P’s mind at all on declaring or not?

I’m guessing she obviously sticks to her og decision and stays, and so I’m super intrigued on what might come next for them.

Like will they try going back to being just friends? Even though they’ve already tried and failed and knowing that would never be enough for Paige. But can they really not be in each other’s lives??

Will they try seeing other people again??

Summer’s coming up in the timeline and they’ve never spent an entire summer apart, so what will they do this summer? 😔 Or will we have a big time jump?

So many questions, and only you have the answers, Nivi.

Favourite lines/quotes:

The moon shines against Azzi’s face and Paige thinks that so much has changed, but Azzi’s still that kind of beautiful

“Do you know what my answer would have been?” “Yeah,” Azzi says softly, squeezing her hands, “yeah I do.”

Alternate lyrics that came to mind while reading:

Talk about our future like we had a clue. Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you.

In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world.

Oh, and in honour of your love for Taylor, a Taylor lyric that came to mind was specifically this:

And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home - mainly from the perspective of Paige getting almost everything she’s ever wanted, except the thing she wants most.

PS: I don’t really listen to Taylor’s music much anymore (nothing negative, just a shift in my music tastes these past couple of years!), but if there’s anything you think I should definitely give a listen to from her latest album, let me know!

As always, thank you for all you do for us. Have a wonderful weekend 💗

Much love, -🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie, one thing about me is that I will find a way to make it worse! 🤪

Thank you my sweets, it always means the world <3

I'm glad you caught that because I wanted to hint at the idea that it wasn't just a random decision of Azzi's part to choose UCLA and that she'd always been considering it.

If I can add Drew and Paige interactions, best believe I will find a way to do it. That's another relationship that's so precious to me.

Shoutout to the one anon who asked for Azzi to wear Paige's jersey in the universe as well because I took that and ran with it so I hope they liked it, because I liked their idea (come say hi!)

The team scene was one my favorites to write honestly, especially just in general KK is so fun to write because she's so fun and I need my chaotic family (Paige-Azzi-KK-Ice) to be a thing in every universe.

YES the piggybacks are just so Pazzi-core and I know this is an au but I like to take things from what we already know about them and just tweak it to keep some semblance of realism. Also piggyback are just really cute and Paige seems like the kind to beg literally anyone to carry her anyways

Things will get better because I actually don't know if they can get worse (actually they probably could but it might be hard to come back from lol) but things getting better is gonna take a lot

See if Paige changes her mind and declares, things become easy for them with her going to LA and I'm not in the business of making things easy for them lol

You think I have the answer to these question but truly what I write is just as much a mystery of where my inspiration will take to me as it is to you. So we'll see but we're on the ascent upwards, so no more other people lol!

I LOVE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY SO MUCH!!

As for Taylor, the new album's pretty good babes if you wanna go listen! Lowkey a lot of the songs work pretty well with this fic lmao. But my favorites are loml and Fortnight I think.

Always love your detailed takes on the new parts and just seeing you in my inbox always makes me smile <3

#ask #fic talk #UCLA ANON LOML FR <3 #maybe i'll go start part 6 tonight and go back to being a good updater lol (don't trust me ever actually)

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aroaceconfessions · 1 year

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okay so. first of all just wanna get this out of the way: jesus christ are people really turning the 'asexuals invading denmark' joke into an antisemitic thing? can i like get a source on that? not saying i don't believe you i just. *deep deep sigh* people can be the fucking worst ):

with that taken care of, uh, hi! i spent many years identifying with asexuality, until it turned out that i really was a late bloomer (dysphoria and growing up in a repressive cult will do that to you). regardless, I continued to stand in solidarity with the aspec community for several reasons.

(side note: the asexuals are 100% correct - sexual attraction is wild af and while it's certainly a thing that i enjoy now, i also would not be bothered in the odd hypothetical scenario of magically becoming asexual again for no reason. y'all valid as fuck and while i can't speak for aromantics, i'm sure that the sentiment extends to romantic attraction as well.)

and then, just the other day, i was talking about how when i like someone as more than a friend, it's usually not quite to the point of romantic attraction unless/until i know it's reciprocated. like, the ground is fertile for attraction to grow, but it's locked behind a need for the feelings to be mutual. and then i said 'hey wait a minute-' and looked up recipromantic to check. and wouldn'tcha know it there it was - turns out i've been on the aromantic spectrum this whole time!

like it's no wonder i had a hard time figuring out if i experienced romantic attraction back when i was ace - i never got the chance to experience being liked back, so it never happened, but i also craved that kind of relationship and knew, deep down, that at minimum the potential for attraction was there. and goddammit it's the same problem over again - these things are so rarely talked about irl that if you don't spend any significant amount of time in the corresponding spaces, then you're pretty unlikely to stumble across the terminology to describe your experiences yourself.

as it is, i probably wouldn't have even questioned my romantic attraction if it wasn't for the time i spent within the asexual community and the aspec community as a whole. i just have such a warm fondness in my heart for the aspec community and all they've done for me, for the queer community as a whole, and for humanity's understanding of the nuance in how we view each other.

it feels wonderful to be back in such an amazing community. it's also pretty sick to be an arospec polyam person so i get to give two middle fingers to amatonormativity at the same time (:

(also would like to point out as another side note that love is not what makes us human nor what is necessary to maintain status as a full human, it's kindness. it's always been kindness. loveless ppl i wish nothing but kindness for you bc god knows with the way ur treated that u could use it. i also do have love for y'all; even if that doesn't mean much to you, i hope u know that i'll always do my best to ensure that it translates into kindness for u bc that is far more important than love)

Submitted March 29, 2023

The Ace Couple podcast has an episode that goes in depth about the antisemitism.

#aromantic #aro #arospec #aspec #polyamory #polyamorous #questioning #anitsemitism

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chounaifu · 9 months

Text

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

#➤ 《 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐁𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 》 Out Of Character

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palettepainter · 10 months

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OKAY FIRST OF ALL HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I was wondering what are some of your headcanons for Dr teeth, or zoot? Have a wonderful birthday! 🍰

Thanks!! I'm so fucking terrified for my bday this year, I don't know if I'll make a post about it cuz there are a lot of other reasons behind it aside from just not having any irl friends to celebrate with, but seeing some of you wish my a happy bday gives me a little smile!

And I sure do!

Zoot:

-So I like to think that even though he can sleep anywhere anytime, his sleep schedule is actually whack. Sometimes he'll sleep for like seventeen hours straight, then wake up at two thirty in the morning, make himself a sandwich and watch tv or something.

-When he was a kid everybody thought his talking shoe Jimmy was just his imaginary friend, including his many cousins. To this day some of them still believe that Jimmy is just Zoot's made up friend and they play along with it

-The only real 'sweet' thing he can handle is dark chocolate, if he has anything sweeter which is barely ever he'll have to eat it alongside something else

-As a kid he had a toy sloth called Timmy, sloths are still one of his favourite animals

-Sleep deprived Zoot is a rarity, but it does exist, the band all fear him, even Animal. He's basically Muffin from the episode Sleepover, mixed with the terror of an eldritch horror. Sleep deprived Zoot is a predator, he can smell your fear

-He's the oldest out of his cousins so far that I've designed for him, but is coincidentally the shortest

-Zoot sometimes forgets that Liv is in her early twenties (she's the same age as Scooter). She doesn't drink alcohol a lot cuz she doesn't like the flavour but when she does drink the stuff Zoot gives her a look and tells her to stop drinking it and go get an apple juice. Liv has to remind him a LOT that she's no longer twelve

Teeth:

-Inspired by a short story titled A Nightmare On Mulholland Drive, even though Teeth's parents are dentist's, and he spent a small portion of his life working at their practise, he is deathly terrified of having to have any operations with his Teeth. As a child he hated the noise of the whirring drill his Mama would use in the practise. A large reason on why his teeth are so perfect is because he didn't ever want to be in a situation where one of those drills had to be near his mouth

-Though his confidence has only improved over the years of being a musician, if you know the right things to say, Teeth can still get quite flustered if the compliments and flirts are coming from the right people

-He is so befuddled by London Cheesecake. To anyone that doesn't know London cheesecake is a pastry like dessert with icing and coconut on the top. The first time Teeth saw it he blinked hard, then asked where the biscuit base was

-When he was younger he had a nervous habit of wringing his fingers, and his noodly arms would coil up by his chest like snakes in distress

-It's not obvious thanks to him always wearing a hat but Teeth's hair is curly in parts, like his Mama's and Grammy's. Tina's hair when it's not pulled back into her signature style is a wild, frilly MESS

-When he first met baby Animal he was fascinated by his jaw strength, impressed by how something that small could have that much bite to him. Floyd was surprised, thinking Teeth would at least be a little more wary about him, but it brought him relief knowing Teeth wasn't unnerved by him

#The Muppets #Muppets #Teeth #Dr Teeth #Zoot #The electric mayhem #Electric mayhem

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rav-rabies · 5 months

Text

Hi Fi Rush Headcanons/ideas: pt 1 Heroes

got a few ideas bouncing around mostly just backstory stuff I wanted to write down to clean up my head and thought I'd share.

Pt 2

Possible trigger warnings: discussions of family fights, age gap relationships

Chai

Sun sign: Cancer, Moon: Sagittarius, Ascending: Sagittarius

Is smarter than he lets on

Grew up in a small town and got himself into trouble because there wasn't much else to do.

Never knew his father. He left home to pursue his dream of being a Rockstar and disappeared.

Chai created an idealized version of his father. Wants

Majored in Business as his mother wished but negotiated to study Music Theory as a minor. Got mostly A's and a few B's.

Quit school after being discouraged by an asshole professor and because he wanted to live his own life on his terms.

Couldn't find work after dropping out because ableism and struggled on disability payments.

Peppermint

Sun: Sagittarius, Moon: Capricorn, Ascending: Virgo

Was an invitro baby and was conceived around the same time as Kale.

Roxanne and her husband had been separated for three years when there was an accident at the treatment center Peppermint's zygote was stored in. Roxanne was relived one of her zygotes survived and she and her estranged husband agreed to bring the child to term.

Her father died when she was barely a year old so she never got to know him.

Has a small tattoo of two intertwined violets on her back to represent Sapphic love.

More interested in environmental science and politics then robotics but was supported by Roxanne as both fields a line with her worldview.

Is planning on returning to school soon after her mother gets everything back on track at Vandelay.

Macaron

Sun: Libra, Moon: Taurus, Ascending: Pisces

Spent his vacation reconnecting with his old friends outside of Vandelay.

He was that kid who took things apart. His parents were great though and supported his interest. Just they made sure to redirect his curiosity towards lest destructive

First learned about Roxanne when he was finishing collage and wanted to become a part of something bigger. He was drawn to her ideas and drive.

Korsica

Sun: Virgo, Moon: Scorpio, Ascending: Aries

Had not been working at Vandelay long before Chai came along.

Had a tentative "friendship" with Zanzo due to both being bottom of the social hierarchy.

Has zero interest in Chai and Peppermint as romantic partners. Though that can change for peppermint. Her age is the only hurtle really. (NOTE: I do love this ship and have no problems with age gaps in shipping or sometimes irl. But, as someone in their thirties, I feel comfortable saying that we're not as inclined to date younger unless we're kind of immature like Zanzo or said 20 something is really chill.)

CNMN

CNMN doesn't need headcanons from me he's perfect as is.

Roxanne Vandelay (Heads up she gets Rose Quartzed a little)

Sun: Capricorn, Moon: Sagittarius, Ascending: Aquarius

She values altruism above all. She believes the purpose of creation in both science and the arts is to better the world.

Also values hard work and sacrifice, not to insane levels but again to the point she lacks some sympathy for those

Has a hard time accepting others as driven as her. She isn't actively mean but she's not very understanding of those with different values.

She and her husband both wanted to create a better world and fell in love while working for it. After Kale was born Her husband became devoted to his son. She believed both still/would support her vision and spent as much time with her family as she could and hoped love would be enough.

It wasn't. Overtime her son grew to resent his distant but caring mother and her husband grew sad and frustrated.

Arguments started and the rift got too big for anyone to ignore. She left.

After her husbands death Roxanne found herself a CEO of a rapidly growing company and a single mother to an unruly teen who just made a strange new friend.

#hi fi rush #chai hi fi rush #roxanne vandelay #peppermint hi fi rush #korsica hi fi rush #macaron hi fi rush #headcanon

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not-so-mundane-after-all · 1 year

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I have never loved a fictional family more than I love them 💜💙🖤💚 and trying to express just how much I love them, my mind comes out blank. Because there's not enough words in any language to explain how important these characters had become to me in the past 4 years. But more about that tomorrow.

This is the first time in my life as a fangirl that I have been this involved and invested in a fandom. First time I've made such wonderful friends in the online space, first time I've felt like I've finally belonged somewhere. So, with less than a day until the end of this beautiful journey, I just want to say, thank you.

For the laughs. The inside jokes. The screaming and plotting and crying. For the art, the gifs, the fics, every bit of creative genius this show had pulled from us. For the late hours I've spent laughing at my phone so hard my cheeks hurt and for the days a paragraph in a fic made me scream into my pillow. For taking the time reading what I've written and all the biggest and the smallest reviews left under it. For the cheers and pettiness and genius minds thinking alike. For the good days and the bad days. For everything and more.

You've made my time in this fandom so special. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. Just like our beloved family, we found each other and created something incredible. Our own little family. We stayed strong through thick and thin. And I'm sobbing as I'm writing this but I feel so so so grateful. I wish I could gather you all in one room and hug you all.

@wonderbatwayne @ambeauty @escapism-through-imagination @meetmeunderthestarrynight - my Queens. My TBS. I don't have words to fully express what your friendship means to me. I haven't met such wonderful, incredible, amazing, beautiful ladies yet irl and unless we ever by some miracle see each other face to face, I don't think I ever will. Your passion for the things you love, your dedication and hearts so full of love and fire and genius are hard to come by. I've learned so much from each one of you. Thank you for your openness, your honesty, your compassion, everything. Let's celebrate this end of an era the way only we can do 🥂

@legendsofentity thank you for sharing your love for Dick&Rach with me, for making me smile with your cute headcanons and being excited with me over the littlest things. It might seem like nothing but it means absolutely everything to me.

@undertheknightwing my writing twin 😂 the Gar to my Rachel. We've always supported each other, sometimes up close, sometimes from afar. Thank you for being one of those who let me lean on you when things got tough. I got your back and you got mine.

And a few others absolutely worth mentioning. Maybe we haven't talked that much but you've supported me and seeing you pop up in my notifications always made me smile and I cherish every single interaction. @lady-stirling @kirjavasblade @graysonfamfan2021 @koryvndr @mejacinta you guys are the best!

If I forgot someone, know that you are in my heart forever, I'm just too much of an emotional wreck right now (seriously, not a pretty view) to get it out of the depths of my mind.

Titans forever. Let's do this one last time.

#personal #dc titans #I just love you all so fucking much #okay?#bear with me #I'm being sappy and nostalgic

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marnz · 4 days

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I watched tsn last year because my memory suddenly remember that i used to see photos and gifs of it in 2016 and i read someone blog analyzing the relationship of mark and eduardo (in 2016) but didn't know it was a fb film, so i decided to watch it, to be honest my brain is pretty damage from working corporate job and seeing how nasty capitalism is, so my first thought watching it wasn't really wow gay, eduardo was in love!!! but was more like wow mark is such a jerk, i didn't see anything gay that people were screaming about 🙃 and being reminded that this is zuckerberg and his old friend irl did not help, and i also read the story of what actually happened irl and understand how eduardo was also a jerk too so i just jumped into ao3 to read fanfic, i actually wish i watched it during highschool or college time more because i truly can't consume queerbait series or films that aren't obvious anymore, normal queer film/tv series is fine tho. This is just my own experience i'm sure there are many tsn new fans who watched it and also enjoy how "gay" it is like you guys in 2010 too :) i just have damaged brain i think

oh no friend I’m so sorry about your job! Let’s get you a better one. I don’t think your reaction is wrong at all, like I said, it was a different time and you had to be there. I got into it in college and exited the fandom in the mid 2010s; I would never in my life get into it now. I think you are right…it’s 2024.

However I have been thinking about this since I got your message and I also think the constant analysis and the fanfic contributed pretty heavily to the atmosphere, plus like I said the Andrew Garfield of it all. Honestly I think the fandom boils down to a couple things:

1) the film has homoerotic subtext mostly evidenced by Eduardo. There’s a lot of time spent on Eduardo’s feelings about Mark, like even during the bathroom blowjob scene the camera takes a moment to remind us that Eduardo is thinking about Mark in the next stall. There is almost no time spent on Mark’s feelings about Eduardo. So this subtext is like, there are feelings and they are unreciprocated. Isn’t this so tragic when 0.03% happens? Mark certainly talks a lot about his feelings for Eduardo, but words do not matter. Action matters. Contrast this with a more classic queerbait like Sterek where 1) there was queerbaiting market and 2) there was reciprocal homoerotic subtext that could never be acted upon.

2) I don’t think fandom is super good at dealing with an unlikeable or unsympathetic yet compelling protagonist! Which means this protagonist is rendered much more sympathetically in fic and people watch or read the media source with rose colored glasses. “He would not fucking say that” x1000.

3) I’m not that much older than you I think but…there was this period in tv where there were canon gays who were as interesting and dynamic as a pool noodle and, meanwhile, in subtext and/or queerbait land, there were relationships that consistently got a lot of time and attention and so were sooooooo compelling. And those are the relationships that I, and fandom, tend to gravitate towards. Plus growing up there weren’t a ton of happy gay stories so instead it was like, you have Brokeback Mountain, you have Dead Poets Society, you have What Happened to Lani Granger? You have, for some reason, Glee (boring except for faberry and Santana). Thank god we are not there anymore.

4) I have bad taste <3

Anyway sorry for rambling here, your asks got me thinking because it very much was like hmm well yeah it IS completely inexplicable huh but I think a lot of fandom is like that.

#answered #anonymous #tsn #I have so many memories that I shall not trouble you with #um but I think there’s a reason that my top 2 tsn fics are like. 1) mark learns empathy & human kindness and 2) Eduardo moves tf on #simply because. it has to be one or the other baby!#anyway thanks so much anon 💜💜💜

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kazemi-archive · 2 years

Text

Survivor’s Guilt

Pairing: Oikawa Toru x Reader

Word Count: ~1.4k

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Mentions of a breakup, grieving the loss of a relationship, mentions of flirting, crying

Summary: It never gets better, just easier. Time doesn’t really heal anything just makes you forget the way that it hurt when it hurt really bad. What didn’t kill me never made me stronger sometimes it just made me wish it would have. And I’m not a fighter, I haven’t been for a long time—lying and saying I’m tired when people ask me if I’m alright. The mourning and missing someone who wasn’t mine to lose turned into survivor’s guilt when I started moving on too.

Part Two of Desiderium

A/N: If dialogue is in blue, this is irl something that was said to me or by me. Thank you for being here live for my therapy.

PLEASE READ ALL WARNINGS AND THE AUTHORS NOTE ON THE MASTERLIST ON MY BLOG BEFORE READING

It had been three months since Tōru left me. I’d only seen him in person in passing. Had had less conversations with him than fingers on one hand. I almost didn’t mind it. There was the one time that he pretended like I wasn’t even there, if he’d actually seen me or not I didn’t know but he’d made sure to call a greeting to everyone except me. That one stung.

Three months.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him anymore. More like trying to convince myself that he wasn’t my problem anymore. That I could get on without him. I could. I’d done it. Pulled myself off the bottom of the pit he’d dropped me into and crawled my way out. Quickly, throwing myself full swing back into my life. This time without him.

I was currently with none other than the three best friends of the man I was trying to forget the existence of. The three men that I’d spent so much of my time with for years now.

“So what’s been going on with you?” Makki asked as he sat easily next to me on top of my desk. Mattsun was poking through the stack of boxes to our left as Iwa stared into my empty fridge. My apartment was a mess, really, the time to unpack having never really come about. “You any better?” He asked sincerely, throwing an arm around me as he tugged me closer.

I sighed, scrunching my nose up at the question. “It’s not better,” I leaned against Makki, my head falling on his shoulder as I watched Mattsun open a box, “but it’s easier I think.” Mattsun tilted his head at me, as Makki hummed in acknowledgement.

“We could kick his ass?” Mattsun suggested as he came to stand in front of us. He smiled lightly but shook my head in disagreement. “You’ve got bruises, you know.” He poked at a bruise on my thigh and I swatted his hand away.

“Slipped when I was moving my dresser.” I mumbled, fingers tracing the biggest of many bruises.

“Should have asked for help.” Iwa chastised. “You need to buy food.”

“I don’t have time.” I mumbled. “I didn’t wanna bug you guys, I’m sure he needed you more.” Makki tapped my head in disappointment.

“You know what they say.” He chuckled, giving me a squeeze as he looked at my half-unpacked apartment. “Time heals all wounds.”

I scoffed and shook my head. “No.” I whispered, ignoring the way they looked at me. I pulled one of my knees up to my chest, bracing my heel on the desk to keep it there as I wrapped my arms around it. “It doesn’t really heal it. It isn’t healed. Just sometimes I forget how much it hurt at first. And as time goes on I forget more often.” Mattsun moved to sit on the other side of me, throwing an arm over my shoulders on top of Makki’s.

“All the cliches kind of suck.” He hummed in acknowledgement and watched as I nodded. I stopped leaning on Makki and set my chin on top of my knee as Iwa turned his attention fully to the rest of us. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I hated that one most of all. Mattsun was poking into a box from next to him on my desk, showing Makki some of my desk decorations that I hadn’t put out yet as he came across them. He meant no harm bringing it up. But what didn’t kill me, it didn’t make me stronger. It just made me wish it would have. I’d spent days in bed, trying to cope with the loss. I hadn’t even cried at first. Just laid there.

I didn’t text him. Not really, tried to avoid it. I wanted to so much. To beg more, to yell at him. To cry to him. I wanted the hugs that he used to give that I always went to when I needed to breathe again. I’d drive anywhere, 30 minutes out of my way, just to get a hug. I wanted to fight with him, to fight for him. For us. I seemed to have lost my fight.

I tried. Tried to find the girl that I used to be that bared her teeth and bit remarks out. That got what she wanted because she could fight for it. The fighter. I wasn’t her anymore. I’d stopped being her slowly. Sinking down into the girl that let Tōru talk me into everything. That didn’t argue with him because she was afraid to lose him. I wasn’t a fighter like that anymore.

Iwa caught my attention, pulling me back from my mini zone-out and back to the three boys who were there to pick up a borrowed vacuum and to check in on me. “Y/n?” He whispered, softly asking for my attention. I hummed and looked up at him, tilting my head just enough to lock eyes with him. I could see Makki and Mattsun watching me carefully from either side of me. “Are you alright?”

No, of course I’m not. I wanted to scream it. To cry about how much it hurt to be mourning a relationship you thought was going to be the rest of your life. To be dropped in what was supposedly a split second decision. What it felt like to feel like I’d never meant anything to Tōru. “I’m just tired, Haji.” I responded, pushing out a small smile. Iwa didn’t look convinced by my lie so I continued on. “Just working a lot to make sure I can afford the rent on my own. Rebuilding my savings after dropping it all on a deposit.” I knew all of them were looking at me concerned but I just smiled, squinting my eyes at them to make it cover my whole face. “I’m alright, just tired. Honestly.” I lied straight through my teeth.

The three of them didn’t stay for long. They’d helped me unpack a box. Mostly because I would take something out of Makki and Mattsun’s nosy hands and set it in a spot I deemed appropriate. It was nice to laugh with them again. To have a moment not alone. But now, I laid on my couch and stared at the ceiling of my apartment. My phone was next to my head, abandoned from where I’d been scrolling social media just minutes prior.

I was alone again and it was like it all just came creeping back. They’d made me talk about Tōru. I had tried my best to avoid the subject. I didn’t even know if I cared anymore. Well, I knew that I cared that he left. But was it that Tōru was gone? Or was it how he left?

I’d heard a little about how he’d been doing. He’d had a couple issues with his car, with money. I’d laughed out of spite to myself when I’d heard. Served him right. I’d struggled and pulled myself out of the hole he’d thrown me in. I’d survived the wreckage that our relationship became.

But I couldn’t tell if I missed him or just having someone. I’d known, the second I saw him that he would break my heart. That he would never be mine, not really. I’d been grieving the loss of him. The loss of the constant he’d forced me to let him be.

When had I stopped thinking about him all the time?

There was a tightness that wound up into my throat. A feeling of guilt gnawing away at my bones. My phone lit up, a message from a a dating app I’d drunkenly downloaded and made a profile for a week prior. I swallowed a lump in my throat. How could I have downloaded that? Was I really trying to move on? Without even thinking how he would feel?

The sinking feeling in my gut started to eat its way up my throat and pooled water across my lash line. The guilt of everything freezing me. What was I doing? Did he care? Did I care if he did care?

A/N: thanks for coming to my public therapy session ✌🏻✌🏻

#𓇻 Desiderium

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reaperkaneki · 1 month

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ok here are my Thoughts on gin noto

under cut bc it got long lol

first off, he is very strong representation. as in, i think this might be the platonic ideal of a transmasc character. which has its good points and bad.

sweet-p’s arc was rooted in some obviously transphobic jokes/points/etc but at its core, her arc felt well-intentioned and overall she was definitely portrayed as one of the most sympathetic of the musicians (who are antagonists but certainly not outright villains, which the musician route makes abundantly clear). she also is not, like, described as trans per se, mostly as a crossdresser who loves cute things and wishes she were a cute girl (so like, she’s trans) and honestly her arc is about self-image and body dysmorphia in general (weight and age and outside perception are all major factors). and that’s what sets her apart from gin, gin is very much about Gender Dysphoria And Conforming To Societal Gender Roles first and foremost.

unlike sweet-p’s writing, gin’s doesn’t have any overt flaws to point to, which is why i had to mull it over for a while to figure out what was missing, and i think it’s because it is very much aimed at a cis audience. the narrative itself is perfectly fine, it’s the meta-narrative that bothers me.

when gin confesses that irl, he was assigned female at birth and presents as female in his day-to-day life, and asks the player, does this change anything, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to tell him that you don’t care what gender he is, it doesn’t change anything at all; gin perceives this as a half-assed, dismissive response said without thinking and becomes upset and it locks you out of the rest of his character episodes. the correct answer is to tell him that you don’t know, you’re not sure. maybe it does change things between the two of you. gin feels that this is a understandable position to take, like, of course it might be a big deal, it certainly feels like a big deal to him!

and yes, to someone who hasn’t encountered a trans person before, that’s probably a reasonable response. to me, specifically, a fellow transmasc person, i think i sorta laughed at this part because, like, the only thing that would change if a coworker or friend or whatever told me that they were actually stealth trans this whole time (and that’s being generous bc gin is Not Slick lmfao the foreshadowing for him being trans is super obvious to anyone who knows) i’d be like cool! love that for you. etc etc. bc transgenderism is Normal to me.

but the game assumes You Are A Cis Person Who Isn’t Sure How To React To Trans People. the game doesn’t let you be trans. there’s not a nonbinary option, despite having a cyborg for an antagonist and, more egregiously, a canonically nonbinary character in your party. (i’d say pronouns, but that’s not quite the same in japanese.) not that i was expecting that to be possible, but it is a clear separation of gameplay and story that hinders roleplay (in an rpg where your character’s backstory is almost completely undefined)!

this is not to say that gin is poorly written. like i said, he’s like the platonic ideal of representation. he’s easy to clock specifically because his experiences ring true; he’s always, always, always overcompensating and posturing “as a man”, he’s trying to conform to his own personal image of “what men do”, “how guy friendships work”, “what guys are interested in”. when asked why he gets along with women so well, he lies and says it’s because he has an, uh, older sister! so he’s spent a lot of time around women! he dresses trendy, but not too fashionably (because that’s feminine, he’s function over form allegedly), and the cut of his clothes is soooo. well. the silhouette is masculinizing, or at least androgynous, let’s say. he even wishes he were taller.

i’m pretty sure i’ve done most of those things. this is writing that either speaks from experience or understands the prompt and has done the goddamn research.

it is, however, very, VERY cool that he actually turns out to Not Be A Man, at least in the sense he’s always wanted to be. REALLY good nonbinary arc that i wish wasn’t constrained to, like, the last two character episodes. it’s the one interesting ‘twist’, and i love that it explains a lot of things about him! when he talks about working as a woman irl and busting his ass in heels, he sounds proud, even as he admits that presenting female always made him uncomfortable. and lo and behold, his catharsis effect sports a pair of gold heels! if he was just a hypermasculine trans man, that would be super uncomfortable, as if it were some sort of transphobic indicator of his ‘true self’ being feminine. but no, it’s because he’s hiding that aspect of himself. he repressed his masculine tendencies to conform to social norms, and then inadvertently did the same to his feminine side, but both are important. he likes the heels.

i also like that he’s bi and acknowledges that his relationships never worked out bc he hadn’t figured out his shit yet. it do be like that sometimes.

unfortunately, i think he’s also kind of boring? like, besides her wanting to be a cute girl, sweet-p had other stuff going on, she had that boke/tsukkomi routine with stork, she had a genuine love for yume-kawaii (whereas while gin has many interests, a not-insignificant part of those interests is male posturing), she was even a musician! i understand that gin’s blandness is On Purpose because he dislikes rocking the boat (but he hates posers, which was a genuinely interesting reaction from him that didn’t feature as strongly in his arc as i wanted. even kiriko comments on it), but doesn’t change the fact that he ain’t weird enough! can’t even be an only sane man bc he goes along with everyone’s bs lol

anyway gin is cool and well-written as a trans character but missing a bit otherwise. i’d still definitely love to hang out and get beef bowls and boba with him :)

#im tired as shit from work so like this is rambly nonsense rather than well-written analysis #but yeah. caligula effect good #caligula effect 2 spoilers #i guess. its below a read more.#this post is for like No one but me and janelle #niche jrpgs my beloved…. niche hrpgs can save me i know it

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