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mean-hare · 1 year

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ed diary, p.8

december, 1 i just saw a writing on the wall, it says "yora you are not bad. -paulo"

december, 2 i walked again. i found many unknown markets and one very weird place with houses, it looks empty and dreamlike, dejavu-ed estate. and the weather was fine, cold and dry. yellow plattenbaus and birches. many new sweets and drinks, cheap tea and two clippers with dogs (it was too hard to choose). it was mostly a good day.

december, 3 stayed at house. ate some cookies leftovers, drank lowcal monster ale. watched few films, drawed few dogboys. going to drink milktea and sleep. headache.

december, 4 we had a night conversations with paulo i mean he tried to expain me some sociology basics but he was a lil high an i was just as always. he drawed simplest schemes with funny men and we spend some time just laughing because of these men. then he tried to continue explaining but his next doodle looked like a bunny head (at least for me)and i decided that this is a bunny arsonist and i repeated the bunny arsonist phrase to paulo and something about arson…. i forgot everything he tried to explain, i remember only the bunny… morning was drilled and i splent time in malls again. i bought drinks, chips and kinder surprise with discount of course. i get the toy white bunny. it was the bunny arsonist itself.

december, 5 it was very fuck! i hate countryside even more now! it started up like simple walk through the village part of. it was even ok, i saw some good ruins and some old houses. but then i dont know how but i found myself walking in some wild fields near the highway. absolutely, completely far from my part of city or even from the city itself. i walk some time thru these dust-covered weeds in direction of kobylisy (name of my part of a city) but the highway was neverending and impossible for me to cross the road (of course, fuck, thats obvious! i even thought to cross the road in the stupid way to just run to the other side in random place ) but it was impossible to do without get injured. i found some mall and circled around to find some cross-walks or signs of where to go or idk even what i wanted to found. i didnt even enter the mall because sky becames dark and i thought that its late evening and i shouldnt lose more time (actually it was 5 pm). somebody may think "man, are you stupid? use your phone, look on map!" well, my phone is OLD, it have buttons. it DOESNT open maps in the web, it just cant! guys also temporary gave me their phone but when i tried to open a map it suddenly switch off without a reason. when i tried to turn it on it asks me a password which i didnt remember and card with password written on it was at home. also i didnt have enough money to call the guys. it was fucked up situation, yeah. i also should say that im like that NOT because i lived in ukrainee most of my life. most of ukrainian that under their 40 have modern phones and know how to deal with modern gear. i realy dont know whats wrong with me… finally i went to that unknown city part that looked almost like mine (the same plattenbau). i asked young couple passing by how to get to kobylisy and they said that i have to take the bus to (name of citypart is forgotten) on the nearest stop and then go to a subway and then took a train to kobylisy. i asked abot a way to go there on foot and they said that it will be too long. oh.. near the bus stop i asket girls passing by if buses from this stop going to kobylisy. they said yes. when the passed me i turned around andsaw that they laughted like crazy when thought that i dont look, obvious because of me. maybe im looking like fucked up ragamuffin after fucked up walk? moybe my accent sounds too freaky? maybe its because an "emo" badge attached to my coat (idk why but some people find it funny)? or maybe rhey lied to me????!!!! i asked the same question about bus stop boys passing by. they said yes. they also laughed a little. i took a bus and realized that i DONT know how to PAY. i saw a gear that people use to pay (i guess) but i didnt understand how it works, i never saw it before, i guess i need a working phone, to scan some code or something. and i didnt ask other passengers how to do it because i had enogh of people who laugh at me. so i didnt pay. subway was more easy. i asked some old man in hat if this train goes to kobylisy, he said yes (and didnt laugh after that) and i took that train. i didnt pay again. the trai was almost empty and finally i felt calm and comfort.

december, 6 walked not too far from house, only in known areas. im enough with it. i didnt tell the guys about yesterday. i dont think i need to do it.

december, 7 i walked out a little in the evening to buy sweets and to stare at moon (beautiful, colorful).paulo was sleeping almost all day. he is doing this often. id like to sleep as many time as him but i cant. maybe he thinks that im not depressed because i walk almost every day. beside most of the days i walk because of drills, not because i want to. and i cant sit on the bench all day, its too cold and sad.

december, 8 i walked in more unfamiliar direction but quickly found my way out before getting lost. took some pics of abandoned places.

december, 9 we went to some farther place at night to buy cigarettes. guys wanted to smoke and i was just as company for them. their aim shop was closed so they bought it in random chinese market. they also bought spicy chips and iced coffee. masha drank coffee, me and paulo shared chips. we walked and talked on some almost phylosofical and intelectual themes (but with shit bc paulo like to talk about shit, dirt and all like this). when we were almost home paulo/i/we made masha sad and angry on me/him/us and i didnt understand why shes sad or because of who and what. looks like because of him. he tried to cam her at home. i also tried to but i said something stupid or irrelevant and was ashame (at least i think so, they didnt response) so i better just shut up and make tea

december, 10 everything was hard. i coldnt go in web. i was tired of living with people who behave like i shouldnt be here. i hate to not understand anything and being said "you are old enough, you should do it yourself". i tired of being so lonely, pathetically lonely, very lonely… i was mad again. cryed and screamed that i hate everything and want to die. masha was angry at me because i scream, she always hates when somebody screams. but i just couldnt keep myself quiet. paulo said thad if want to die then ok but i need to move somewhere else to not make dirt in this house bc they dont want to clean it up. i screamed that i tried to kill myself before but i faied. he said that it means that i didnt try hard enought and something like this, i tried to argue with him but it was hard to crying and talk normally. masha said him that sometimes you want to die but not to kill yourself, you want to dissappear. well they also tried to calm me. masha gave me some pill they take to feel better. i stopped to cry but i was not feeling better, maybe even worse, im not sure. they also took me outside, bc paulo decided that i need to go to a forest nearby to scream there but i became unable to scream for some reason. and also i never feel comfortable to scream in the forest (and just to be in the forest). anyway i lied on dirty concrete and didnt wanted to move. when im like this my brain is splitting and go out of my body. theres me, im acting stupid, bad and loud. and theres also second me that observes it and thingking about how its stupid and miserable and ugly it looks, but unable to stop it, like its not me. at night i bought the bus ticket back to ukraine. it was a little impulsive. many of my deeds are very impulsive and rush even if i think about it a lot beforehand

december, 11 i packed my things (including that bull scull that was heavy and took up many space in my bagpack). yesterday i asked masha to lead me to that bus. i knew i cant ask paulo about it, he would say that i should do it myself and its all my problems. today he was just sleeping all day long. she helped me and i grateful her for it. my thoughts about people change often but today i think that she is very good. she said that it will be more empty without me in part of room near the battery. we apologized about things that we did or didnt to each other. i said that i really thought that moving out of ukraine will help, will change someting but i cant face all that by myself and found that i need much more help that they can required. it was the first time i went by long-distance bus all by myself, without parents, siblings or any unfamiliar people. i ate wafers, listened to my music in earphones. i didnt want to run down my phone (there was no charging) but ukrainian drivers have awful habit to put on veeeery awful low-quality ukrainian pop-folk 'music' (its probably the worst kind of ukrainian music). there was not many ppl in bus and one of them was young boy nearby, not beautiful or interensting or something, he was like something calming, i looked at him sometimes and was "he is looking thru the window, ok" or "he is sleeping" and it didnt mean nothing, it was ok. sometimes bus stopped on a gas stations and i was always the first to run to the toilet and back bc i still have some fear of missing out the bus. sometimes it was so beautiful outside, so snowy.

december, 12 i felt that im in ukraine and it was in a bad way. women in bus was arguing, thats awful. i wanted to sleep so bad. at the border i drank an energy drink and all the looong way to the snow and dirt covered station i wanted to pee. at my ukrainian flat i was still bad. arguing neighbors, annoying grandpa, blackouts, everything annoying. i cried in my dark room. the only good here is my toys and my old dog. but everything is still bad and fucked up. i hate to live here in this country. my mom made apple pancakes and i ate too many. i really wanted to eat pancakes

december, 13 i bought some junkfood but ate it not that fast and mindless as always, i think thats a good sign. i also did few posts in few tumblr blogs and watched misfits. i enjoy this show and i like rudi. he is awful guy so i dont really know why i like him i colored my drawings and listened to some music and felt kind of helplesness and something like what baby feels when its all alone in big dark house. it was only for a second. i feel this sometimes, i dont like this feeling.

december, 14 just a stupid day of binge on stupid cheese. mom is in hospital, dad came lately. actually i can purge most of the time but i dont want to, it doesnt really helps i didnt mention a problem with electricity in ukraine. theres a shedule hangs in the hallway that says in which hours of each day of week the light is present or absent. in no light hours most markets are closed. i have a candle and a lamp which charges but its not longlasting. dark hours of evening or night are the worst, very boring and dull. some of times i munch on sweets or other food "as a passtime activity", i can also ruin my eyes by drawing or reading in dim light of candle. at least i have a lot of books.

december, 15 another day in which i woke up at 16, bought and ate many sweets(at least it was less than 2000kcals) i found that my sister annoys me even more than before, just by her existing. also she looks very boring and plain now. she had bright dyed hair, pierced face and more alt clothes just a few month ago

december, 16 breakfast was at 5 pm, it was a pack of cream cookies i bought yesterday. was tasty. network was very bad but i talked with dani. he said that he got a girlfriend since this autumn. i was shocked. but it can explain his rudeness toward me in some times. i still love him. and i dont know who i envy more: him or his girlfriend. im in very bad state now, physically and mentally. i felt nauseous and still feel. and everything became much more annoying. i watched svankmayer's movie "lunacy" and all the time i wanted to hug the main character, jean. he was beautiful and his eyes was tired and scared. perhabs its not good pick for tonight, i felt like i want to vomit and almost bringed back bulimic tendencies. right after that i watched horror about werwolf to not tinking about my life. but now i dont know what to do, i dont feel like sleeping now. i thougt "why he is loving everybody but me" and "why is everybody find their love but me". and then i thought that my thoughts are stupid and my feelings are patethic. and then i thought that i should spend more time with my imaginary friends. and, if possible, watch more movies to distract myself from everything. im feelin bad. and still nauseous

december, 17 im ignoring my stomachache and nausea. and headache and unexplained yearnings make them duller. i eat and sleep and spend time in the same state in the same dirty den room day by day, indifferent and dazed by my indifference.

december, 18 theres tradition to give presents at night of 18-19 of december, especially for little children (its like santa's gifts in west countries). in my childhood i got big fancy bag with toys or something else, beautiful box of sweets, tangerines and always buncg of sticks as a traditional 'gift' for 'bad' kids (like charcoals in the sock in western countries). today my gift was just a paper bag with bag of chips, few 'healthy' bars and bag of nuts.and of course it led me to binge

december, 19 i didnt sleep at all and in my semiconscious mind came an idea to go to a supermarket. mom was glad and said to buy cat food for ronald and dishwashing liquid. i went to first market and bought a big bottl of energy. and hard candies with caffeine. and chips. and cat food but not that kind that mom asks. in second market i bought chips (again? again!) and even bigger bottle of pepsi black and something else just the same in pointless. i forgot now what i bought. i only remember that i couldnt pay with card for a minute bc i put it up to the screen with wrong side. maybe i should follow a new rule: dont go shopping when sleepless

december, 20 i decided to spend money tomorrow bc it brings me fun and i am lack of fun. i couldnt sleep almost all night long bc i drank an energy drink from a bottle i bought yesterday bc it was the nearest liquin here. i slept for maybe 4 hours. and i still find a time for overeating. my lifestyle is really overfucked chaotic.

december, 21 first of all i went to more expensive mall with many cans and bottles (mostly booze but not only). i bought 5 (or 6?) expensive (even with discount) caffeinated drinks (no booze), and also cookies and lion bar bc they were good and cheap. i wonder what the cashier boy thought about me and my purchase. second market was much cheaper and i bought some sweet shit and 2 more cans while forgot about what i really needed to buy. i was looked like a fucked up and drunk while going 'home', my fauxfurcoat was slipped off my shoulder and mind was hazy. i really need more sleep. now its evening, no electricity again, 5 unopened energy drink cans and few untouched green or black tea mugs on table, cookies and bar are also left for tomorrow. im glad i didnt eat all at once even in this semiconscious state!

december, 22 breakfast: energy drinks and cookies. lunch: lion coconut bar and another energy drink. i felt asleep early (at 1 am, thats early for me) but woke up at 5 am and couldnt fall asleep again so i consume my caffeine and hope for nothing. im feeling very bad, like im going to throw up or faint all the time. i guess its too much caffeine. so pity. i have new black teas i want to taste but i guess its not a good idea. im trying to draw ant to write and my caffeine restlessness is a little annoying but some pieces of creations are not that bad.

december, 23 i finished watching 'misfits' and started to watching 'brassic'. i found that i often have the main characters face expression, the what-a-fuck-is one. i ate just a liiiiitle too much bread with cream cheese. the fridge is full of cheese (my dad is great cheeselover) but i craved only for that one creamy kind, the cheapest (and, as i gladly realized lately, the lowest in calories)

december, 24 maybe i really have a problem with my overeating and hopoholism. i think about it often and im sure that therapy wouldnt help. i know why i do what i do. its all about loneliness. and admiration seeking. like im going out, walked the streets like a king, like the icon. people staring at me suspicious, they think im a kook and maybe they envy because theres not so many vivid genderfucking stylish guys in this ex-ussr hole. i walking to the market because i cantt stand to walk aimlessly, i should have a destination. id be rather go on bus to some friends house at the citys edge, id drink their cheap tea and listening their stories and wathing movies or walking with them but i have no friends here and nobody to go to. and im choosing what to buy. im pretending as if its an important decision, like my decision is really makes sense. and then im sitting in my room and eat all that things like a 'normal' man who loves to be big and full, like i have no ed and just enjoy my food and my life, as if its something to be enjoyed!

december, 25 they say its good to write few good things that happened today and to write that everyday. i thought that i have to try it but i failed bc there was no good things and yesterday was also free from good things

december, 26 i dont remember what was on this day but im sure i ruined it. id remember if there was something good, goodnes is rare for me

december, 27 its the end of a day, what more can i say? its a song by manes. love this song. so what to say? fuck everything.

december, 28 i was willing to whine everybody about how shitty this new year will be for me and how sad am i but nobody gives a fuck. people hate to listen to me. i get it, i hate to listen to myself even more. its time to continue my lifelong distraction.

december, 29 i found few places full of new energy drinks and spend so much of money on them. at evening one of the neighbors suddenly started to drill. i ran out and walked the streets. at first i didnt feel too bad about it. i walked the gloomy streets, swinged on swings like an iconic emokid, sang some songs with stupid voice. but then i became thirsty and annoyed by phone's low battery, and very cold. i walked in markets, spent money again on the stupid overpriced things but didnt get any warmer and nothing helped me with thirst.

december, 30 i bringed my little plastic pine tree from the balcony and putted on some plastoc balls on it. now it stands on a floor with many other random items and i dont even pretending that i have a holiday mood. but i wanted to do it.

december, 31 fuck it im leaving the 2022

#mhwnbcb #mental disorder #ed blr #ed bllog #bpd #depresszió #stream of thoughts

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thepoodlepack · 3 years

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What's wrong with goldenpoodles? I'm genuinely curious because almost all of my dogs are mixed breeds and behave fine. So I'm curious if there's something else I'm missing

jeez this feels like bait but u kno what, you got me

alright, so it goes like this. the doodle really began with a guy in australia being like i need the temperament of a lab for a guide dog but these ppl are allergic to dogs, so i need a poodle bc they have hair, not fur. so he bred em together. years later he’s like damn that was a mistake.

now, why, exactly? alright so first of all he only needed that mix bc labs on average tend to adapt better to situations that are largely exclusive to service dog work than poodles do. i can go into what this means at a later date, but that’s basically how it is. but either way, people jumped on this creation and it kinda spiraled out of control. soon, poodles were being bred by everyone and every breed. suddenly, they were a marketing scam more then they were a dog breed.

oh theyre hypoallergenic! all of them, all the time cause zero allergies! look theyre so much better than poodles! theyre friendly and easy to train, not like poodles of course, just like labs! they’re better than labs bc none of them shed, ever! they’re super healthy bc breeding labs and poodles together wipes out all their health problems, of course!

lies, lies lies. the aussie guy, whose name i’m not going to look up bc i’m lazy but who you can find if you google creator of doodles, straight up says that even the first litter(s) of labradoodles he bred had puppies that the people he bred them for were allergic to. he very carefully tested the litter and the reaction the person had before placing a puppy that was not going to hurt them.

think of the punnet squares we all learned about in 5th grade science class. you draw the squares and one parent has two fur genes and the other parent has two hair genes and what do you get? well if you have four puppies, one might have hairhair and the next one might have hairfur and the next one might have furhair and the next one might have furfur. and so guess what? only hairhair pup is going to be the best choice for allergic people. additionally, you can see why the non-shedding thing can be bullshit, and that in particular is also a guessing game. you may be able to test allergy sufferers against the pups, but that does not necessarily mean they won’t shed. hairfur, for example, may be a good choice for some allergic people, but perhaps they’ve got just enough fur to shed anyway. also, lets look at salukis (and frankly, most long-haired sighthounds). salukis are still considered dogs with fur, not hair. they also still shed, even though it’s just a little. and yet they’re still considered good for allergy sufferers.

(ps poodles do actually shed. but they shed like humans shed. your hair comes out, doesn’t it? like, esp folks with long hair, aren’t people always complaining how you clog the shower drain? yeah, like that. ALSO obviously the situation is more complicated then super simple punnet squares and as an ex-groomer i have something to say about doodle coats but i’m going to save that for later, put a pin in it.)

oh and wait a hot minute there. i said best choice, didn’t i, not hypoallergenic. well, that’s because no dog is hypoallergenic. poodles, and a few other dog breeds, they have hair, like we do. but the thing is both humans and breeds with hair still produce the dander, though they’re different kinds. breeds with hair happen to produce the least amount possible that dogs can produce, which is why they’re a better choice for allergy sufferers, but that’s still not a guarantee. my roommate Dakota is allergic to dogs. if i don’t wash my dogs for an extended period of time (which has never happened, ever, in my life, idk what ur talking about), thus giving the chance for the dander my dogs still produce, he will have a very, very mild reaction when touching them. it can be countered by him washing his hands after touching them and also me just giving them a fucking bath, i need to stop forgetting, but still, there you go. ALSO people might not be allergic to dogs bc of their dander. they might be allergic to the saliva of dogs, which poodles or any other breed with hair still produces about the same as other dogs. so, yeah, not hypoallergenic, not at all.

the people who taut their hypoallergenic dogs for sale largely don’t do the testing required to check if they’re actually providing a dog to someone who won’t react to it. not acceptable at all.

so, labs are friendly and easy to train right? not at all like poodles, right? no. absolutely incorrect. some labs are friendly and easy to train. some labs, a lot of them when they’re puppies, are nightmare fuel. personally, i have a theory that everyone’s vision of labs in their heads are either a) service dogs or b) those old labs who are slightly pudgy (or morbidly obsess, which is a different topic) and who are graying in the face and just want to lounge around because they’re seniors now. alright, so here’s why thats bad. labs are a working breed. a retrieving breed. they’re supposed to be bulky and strong and driven. service dogs are highly trained, to a point that most pet dogs will never see, and if you see them with their actual disabled handler, they’ll probably be around 2.5 yrs of age and out of their most wild days. old labs are well. old. sleepy. maybe a bit achey. and well out of their most wild days. oh, and it’s the same type of thing with goldens by the way, the other most popular doodle type. poodles are also easy to train, especially if their parents have a decent temperament. they’re all about equal if you actually start training them when they’re puppies and just pay for some training classes, like everyone should. in the puppy classes i’m in right now, Euphoria is leaps and bounds ahead of doodles, goldens, and labs that are her age or older. I train her properly and she’s got amazing parents. that’s it, that’s the trick. not breed, not necessarily, and def not in this case.

I am once again going to say that labs and goldens are more often used as service dogs than poodles because of their adaptability, but it’s the ability to adapt to situations that most pet dogs will never have to worry about.

jeez this is a long post. i’ve still got more to cover too. alright, on to super healthy, or “hybrid vigor” as the nerds call it. uhh, it’s bullshit. thank u for ur time.

okay, but actually why on gods green earth would breeding two completely different breeds with little to no research make them super healthy? now i want to preface this with i’m (generally) pro-outcross projects. Euphoria’s dad is half mini poodle and half standard poodle, which isn’t technically an outcross bc all the variations are of the same breed, but if we’re going by genetic diversity alone minis and standards are different enough to actually be different breeds.

so, to be clear, outcrosses, given the proper thought and planning: good, results in healthier dogs (see: lua dals). randomly breeding two very different breeds together with no planning other than to sell the puppies to randos who won’t continue the outcross: bad. especially when you’re doing it to cash in and don’t health test at all, or don’t health test the major health problems with both breeds (if you’re doing an f2 breeding or anything like that). no the poodle’s health problems don’t get canceled out by the goldens or labs or whatever the other party’s health problems are, and vice versa. and yeah, i’ve looked at a lot of doodle breeder’s websites and yeah, most of them don’t health test at all, or at least don’t health test properly. do you know i own one doodle and currently live with another? yeah, i got them both from breeders and do you know how much health testing their parents got? if your answer is none, good job, you’ve been paying attention. in my defense, i was like 13, i didn’t know what i was doing.

alright, so those are the big points. this is kinda gonna be just... a mix of my other complaints. here we go, hope you’re ready for more. argument the first: i feel like it’s pretty disrespectful to reputable breeders. now, i actually have two reasons why that is. reason one: most reputable poodle breeders don’t want their breeding stock bred with other breeds, for various reasons. i’ve even met a few who used to be okay with it and then as the doodle scam got bigger and more out of control, they stopped being okay with it, even to the breeders who they had been fine with it in the past. that means a lot of doodle breeders out there have their breeding stock because they scammed poodle breeders into giving them pet quality, not breeding quality, dogs or because they’re getting their stock from non-reputable breeders. i also feel it’s disrespectful to breeders who are actually trying to create new breeds. quite frankly, a breed with the size, strength, and adaptability of a lab or golden that doesn’t shed and that has the train-ability of a poodle, lab, or golden sounds pretty interesting to me. did you know you can actually make that breed? and it wouldn’t be a cross with unpredictable... well, everything. it would actually be a true dog breed.

Look at Silken Windhounds and Biewer Terriers who began both development in the 1980s. Biewer Terriers were recognized by the AKC this year, and Silken Windhounds still haven’t been. And yeah, that’s the problem isn’t it? Making a real new breed takes a lot of time, planning, and care. People would rather just cash in. I think it’s sad and I think it’s disrespectful to the breeders who do work so hard to make actual new breeds.

and finally, unpin being an ex-groomer goddamnit. guess what? doodles are awful to groom! they’re terrible on the grooming tables because people want to have in both ways: they want a dog that doesnt shed at all and they want a dog who doesn’t need to be groomed. well guess what, that dog doesn’t exist and you can have it only one way. and also, bring back the goddamn punnet squares because a lot of doodles have awful coats. if you have hairfur and furhair over there, guess what, their coat fucking sucks bc it’s not meant to be like that. it wants to mat bc hair but also it wants the mats to slide out bc short-ish fur but its too thick for the mats to slide out bc thick hair. and yes its more complicated then this and that means its often more awful then this. its awful, it makes me want to cry. and maybe it’s slightly easier to get away with it with a shorthaired dog like a lab, or, you know what, even a golden, okay, even a slightly long haired dog like a golden but people are doodling akitas? border collies? bernese fucking mountain dogs? i am crying. i am crying right now as i type this.

lets do a sum up to this disaster of a post. look, i don’t go out there attacking or yelling at every doodle or every doodle owner i see, alright? or any of them really. i might engage in conversation to one that’s interested, but that’s it. i love my doodly Isis, okay? shes tiny and she’s adorable and I love her more than life and i will never, ever get another doodle. i don’t like the way they’ve gotten so prolific, i don’t like the reasons they’re now widespread, and i don’t like almost all of the people that create them, including the ones i’ve literally given my (parents) money to in the past. i wish they were better but i just cannot approve of them, especially not in the environment they exist in now. that said, i do support them in their original use case as assistance dogs, and i do not care about them if they’re shelter dogs.

#long post #anti doodle #text #my post #yes this took me like an hour #yes i do hate myself for it #Anonymous #oh anon im being grumpy mostly for comedy thats only funny to me #you're fine as long as you werent trying to bait me

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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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how do u handle ur social anxiety? ive been struggling a lot with it lately to the point ive sorta been breaking down and what better way for advice than to ask someone that comforts u (mun[?] too)

Mun... might have something more useful for you.

aesops way of coping is probably avoidance but we all know that aint the best way aha. anyway this was one ask i could not stop thinking about because i read it n went (john mulaney voice) Huh my anxiety never got so bad till a break down, n then it happened to me a few days later. i do find this funny yes

anyway, the most useful thing ive learnt to handle my social anxiety (not entirely tho but its a good start) is to identify which trains of thought is Social Anxiety tm speaking so u can immediately know those r lies. stuff like Oh they’re laughing at me just as I walk by, they’re laughing at me, or Someone else is here, they probably hate me, I should go somewhere else but I cant, aaaaaaaaaaaaa

(if im not wrong,) usually theyre statements that are along the lines of “they hate you” or “you’re wrong”, n they’re based off an irrational fear of others that can be countered using evidence or, well, logic and rationale. things like “No one is keeping a checklist of your mistakes, you’re literally the only one doing that and scrutinizing each one of them, others dont care so much about these things.” (ive found this to be a very good counterargument to use for a lot of situations so im bolding it) or “You wouldn’t think that if someone else messes up, it should be the same for them. And if they say it isnt a big deal, it probably isnt”. for me i usually keep repeating these more logical explanations n counterarguments to myself to kinda quell the social anxiety voice for a bit. i know there are cases that it doesnt work 100%, but its a good start

n if ur also like me who avoids eating/ getting food cos theres human interaction involved, i kinda try to get my friends to drag me out whenever possible. no shame, even a simple “hey lets drop by the convenience store later so i can grab a snack” is better than starving for like. a day or so. its also cos of this whenever i plan my schedule for the day, i see if i can plan it such that its convenient for me to get food for both lunch and dinner (sorry im not one for breakfast aha). n also i find that if i dont like the food (sorry im a very picky eater), i would rather starve than eat, so now im willing to pay a bit more for food i like n will eat

or just having someone else to talk to about these kinds of things, and kinda having a second opinion of “was that weird of me” or “should i have done that” with someone (ppl give advice better to others than to themselves aha) really helps, i think. u could probably also ask for advice maybe (like this? XD) ((after i had a small meltdown that day i went to my boyfriend’s to complain for an hour n honestly that helped me to release a lot of distressed energy n its better than stewing in it for the rest of the day + i got some advice that i slowly worked on when i was feeling up to it enough))

im also still kinda bad at small talk with strangers, especially ppl whom i just met. i find a small trick to this (that again does not work all the time) is to try to find a relevant topic (background is also fine i guess, depends on context), n as they answer find something about their answer that u can branch off into another topic. it could be a personal anecdote that is remotely related to that topic, it just gives u things to talk about aha (eg someone saw me drawing n commented that one of their friends also draws, n i started talking about how i used to get really bad grades in art class. which wasnt quite the topic but it worked). n when ur ending ur turn to talk, try to have something that the other person can comment on/ answer. having said that, this is hard if the other person is equally awkward/ doesnt give u much to branch off on from their replies (i mean they really only answer your question n rarely elaborates unless prompted. eg “what did you have for lunch?” “pasta.” “oh, what kind?” “carbonara.”). then i say its only as awkward as u make it to be, perhaps u would be better off kinda just sitting together in silence. its not weird unless u make it, n not every moment has to be filled with conversation.

thank u so much for this ask by the way, social anxiety is a huge bitch to have n it sucks extra much that a lot of our fears seem incredibly stupid from a “normal” point of view n we are constantly on edge even if we seem 101% fine cos we’re not fine aha. but just know ur not alone in this, n i hope some of these might have helped.

i guess i should put some sort of disclaimer here, these r just some of my own personal problems n the solutions i have are mostly for me (maybe except for countering the thoughts), so i understand if they might not work for others. so i kinda recommend just sitting down, identifying which aspects social anxiety is affecting n finding a solution that works for u is kinda the best. try out different methods, if they dont work thats alright, if it does then thats great. it takes a lot of time, admittedly i starved myself for a couple of semesters before i found this solution for myself. it also take a lot of constant effort to counter, n to that i wish u all the best, n good luck in finding methods that work for u <3

#aesop carl #identity v #identity v embalmer #identity v the embalmer #identity v ask blog #its me the mun #mun rambles #unconcerned ramblings #OKAY SO LIKE I DIDNT REALIZE I USED THE WRONG COLOUR FOR HIS SKIN SO HE LOOKS LIKE DEATH #OR MORE LIKE DEATH THAN USUAL #SO JUST IGNORE THAT #holy shit i am so out of it today. i hope my explanations make sense tho #i have never seen a professional before except my bf who keeps telling me that i have to do something about htis #so have some. idk homemade remedies

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cinnamonbean · 2 years

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This isnt related to anything

But I thought of this somewhere around two am when I had a headache and couldn't sleep.

Kobayashi; Kanao, what's wrong?

Mita; she lost her coin yesterday. She's been acting like this ever since.

Yes, its messy. I know Kobayashi wouldn't call Kanao by first name, at least I think, but posting this was an impulse I didn't look through the again for. I'm also probably not finishing this,, but I might draw in the picture of Kanao at the top left as a separate thing.

Below the cut is some more sketches, and headcanons. And if you haven't read the Wasp's Nest........

Go do that.

So. Clears throat. So anyways.

The premise of that was Kanao losing her coin. The one Kanae gave her, which might have as much personal significance as her hairclip depending how you look at it. Kobayashi asks if she's okay,, and Mita explains to her how miss perfect uses a coin to decide for her things she wants to do. (Not sure if she should know Kanae was the one who gave Kanao the coin, but it could go either way.) Mita doesnt even like Kanae, and that's canon to the fic. So. Why the fxck should it matter if she loses a simple coin? She'll earn much more during her time as a demon slayer.

This is. Obviously unhealthy? So when Kobayashi finds the coin, she decides to hide it from Kanao, and try to push her into making choices for herself. You know, the small kinds. Along with the illusion of actually helping her. (Though in Kobayashi's mind, she probably thinks it is helping Kanao.)

Mita catches on, steals the coin, and returns it to Kanao. Mainly with the excuse of. "Well, I got tired of being a dick to Kanao, so it's your turn." It probably genuinely bothered Mita, too. Because tricking someone for the sake of "helping" them is bullshit, and it's canon she's felt that way about Kanae in the past.

But it might be ooc for them anyways.

Alternatively, can you imagine Mita stealing the coin and deciding to watch the chaos Kobayashi would be so panicked. Where could she have possibly put the coin? Where could it have possibly gone? She couldn't have. No. Dont tell her.. did she actually spend such a sentimental belonging?? This could be either comedic or actually extremely angsty depending who's writing it.

Moving on! I said I would make a different post for stuff about Kanae I thought of as a result of op's fic,, this is that post.

First though, I wanted to take another look at Ichijo. All we really know is that she was Shinobu's tsuguko before Mita, and that she trained using Water Breathing as opposed to Flower Breathing or Insect breathing.

I found this very strange.

Because on one hand, it might have been set before Giyuu became a Hashira, or maybe she just felt more comfortable seeking guidance from a female Hashira, having heard rumors of Water Pillar-Sama being cold and unapproachable.

On the other hand; could you imagine if Ichijo was just flat out rejected by Giyuu? It would make sense. He probably didn't think he was responsible enough to care for another swordsman, and at least he wouldve been responsible enough to figure he couldnt care properly for himself let alone someone else.

I doubt Ichijo would see it that way, though. In her opinion, she was just rejected, without being given a chance. Maybe that's when Shinobu steps in? Maybe in Mita's eyes, Ichijo was ungrateful of Koucho-Shihan's hospitality?

Speaking of Giyuu. And speaking of Koucho sisters. The masks. The butterfly hairpins. The [former] Water Pillar and the Insect/Flower Hashiras were the only pillars who gave special accessories to their students. I'm surprised nobody's talked about it, or maybe I just havent found anything yet, but what if there was a stigma of bad luck against girls with butterfly hairpins as well? Similarly to how demon slayers with fox masks always die in final selection,, something like girls with butterfly hairpins always die off easily.

I'm going to dig in a little deeper to this.

See, I had a hypothetical a while ago where Kagaya, while he still did final selection; likely did Giyuu and Sabito's. Noticed that one of the fox masked kids who survived didn't have his mask, and insisted on looking for it. Years later around the time he becomes a pillar, Giyuu is summoned to Kagaya's and receives his mask, because, along the help of some Kakushi and demon slayers at the time, the group were eventually able to find the pieces of Giyuu's mask.

And if asked why Tomioka got that kind of special treatment, Kagaya probably would've gotten confused and explained that he wouldve done that for anyone. Regardless of what it was. Because he wanted to help people; that's the kind of person he was. Probably when he hands it back to Giyuu probably with a message or two of how he should remember and cherish his roots; it's easy to forget those things when becoming a demon slayer. This touches Giyuu because he went through the trouble of finding it and holding onto it for Giyuu, in fear of it breaking in his crow's claws.

I do feel upset that a lot of the pillars just already had that level of respect for the master, and how it's never really expanded on savs for Gyoumei's life being saved and the public apology he made to Sanemi during a pillar meeting.. even if not all of them had something to push forward that level of respect,, I still feel like it's not expanded on in depth enough?

But I'm getting off topic again.

Point was, Giyuu later takes Kanae on as a tsuguko, and she eventually spots the mask, and is possibly told the story of how he got it? Maybe it stays at the back of her mind, and later during her time as a pillar, she sees a stand of butterfly hairclips. Buys the entire small stock for Shinobu. She's been known to make pointless, grand purchases, with or without reason, according to op. Shinobu probably figures out a way to use all of them; she can distribute them to her future tsuguko, when she finally becomes a pillar.

It would be so sad for her to be somewhat annoyed she has to share her collection with Onee-Chan and Kanao at the start, recieves the hairpin back, and gets sad, deciding that from then on decides to share them with her own tsuguko/friends by her own discretion. Which makes her very depressed whenever her box fills up with hairclips again (from students dying and the like).

Rest in peace, you two.

#The Wasps Nest #I kept procrastinating on this post #but yes i think i have decided to just make a post per chapter when i read it vs when it comes out #its too difficult otherwise #Koucho Shinobu #Koucho Kanae #Tomioka Giyuu #Mita Akari #Ichijo whatever her last name is #Whenever i think Kobayashi i think of that stupid dragon maid anime ew #Tsuyuri Kanao #Shinobu and Kanae's unnamed Tsuguko #Butterfly Tsuguko trio comin' through #KNY #Demon Slayer #technically ocs but also technically canon

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cataclysmcrows · 3 years

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I would like to hear more about Childe's eyes changing colors in response to using Foul Legacy and his Delusion. 👀

ah sorry it took me so long to reply to this!! i need to clear out my askbox haha

this IS a pretty self-indulgent headcanon, and my thoughts are a bit disorganized, but hopefully this’ll explain the rest of my ideas well enough!

(spoilers for the liyue archon quest, childe’s story quest, and childe’s backstory/lore ahead)

-on a very basic level. i like it when characters’ eyes glow or change color when they use their powers. im a simple man i see glowy eyes and go OOOO.

-the headcanon does extend to the other genshin characters partly! in my hc (though this IS partly canon for a lot of the characters) all the characters’ eye colors match up with the color of their element, and glow when they’re using their Visions. (also think the traveler’s eye color changing when they resonate with a different element is a cool concept!)

-childe is different from the rest of this headcanon because he’s not just a Vision holder--he also has a Delusion, and his Foul Legacy Transformation--both of which are powerful, dangerous, and destructive forces, unlike Visions

-it’s established that Delusions can be pretty dangerous, so i think itd be really interesting if using a Delusion enough would have visible effects on the user physically

-having one eye glow purple (in childe’s case) while using the Delusion as the other stays blue is a neat way of showing the two elements, Hydro and Electro, that childe has control over

-however, in my hc, as soon as most Delusion users stop using the Delusion, their affected eye turns back to its natural color

-not childe though! because like i said, childe’s Delusion isn’t the only destructive power he uses. he also has Foul Legacy

-Foul Legacy is really interesting to me, because it’s something that comes directly from the Abyss--not from the archons or from humans

-Foul Legacy seems to be very destructive, despite being powerful--we can see how it puts childe through physical pain after using it. it’s established that if he overuses it, it could kill him

-which is why i think that overusing it, if not enough to kill him, would leave some sort of permanent visible mark on him

-so i went with his eye! since i had already decided that eye is affected by his delusion as well, i thought it would make sense for overuse of Foul Legacy to cause that eye to become permanently purple, instead of temporarily

-(also, just being in the abyss alone caused a slight change--ive seen it pointed out before that compared to the other characters, childe’s eyes are pretty dull, which was partially the inspiration for this hc. even his normal eye is duller than it should be and slightly tinted purple from his time in the abyss)

anyway, that’s the lore for the hc! other various thoughts include:

-his eye permanently turning purple happens at the end of his story quest, after using Foul Legacy to save teucer from the ruin guards. this makes a lot of sense, because it’s established that he hadn’t fully recovered from the last time he used Foul Legacy yet, so the overuse pushes him far enough that his eye permanently changes color

-he doesn’t realize that his eye changed permanently until maybe a day or two after the story quest, it comes as a bit of a shock to him

-he doesn’t want anyone to find out about it, either, especially not teucer, so he’s relieved that he managed to avoid letting teucer see it

-i feel like he would partially see the eye color change as a sign of weakness

-he tries to hide it (one of my drawings had him wearing an eye patch) but obviously, that doesnt last a long time (i drew a little comic with zhongli finding out about it that i forgot to post and will probably post later!)

aaaand thats about it! sorry about how. long-winded and jumbled that was KFNSDJKHJSD, i just have a lot of thoughts! some of that was probably a bit inaccurate, a lot of the lore i know about the abyss and about delusions is secondhand knowledge from my friends! thank you for the ask, and again, sorry it took so long!

#thank you!#alex answers #miss-rainbow-sprinkles #genshin impact #childe

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camelely · 4 years

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13rw S4 Fix

So i did one of these for last season and I think now that I’ve had some time to think about S4 I’ll do the same. While last season I thought the issue was one character being overused. But here it seems like there were multiple smaller things that could have improved the whole season Again I’m keeping the same basic plotline and characters :)

1) Winston

Have Winston stay at Hillcrest. Him moving to Liberty did nothing for the main plot and he was basically a red herring through most of it. Let him try are befriend the characters from the outside. He can learn about Jess from Bryce’s trial and the news coverage and then try to befriend her at Monet’s. This is where he meets and later starts to date Alex. Since he doesn’t go to liberty school Alex sees him as a sort of escape and lets him in. Clay and Ani dont tell everyone about him because they dont know he is trying to get close to them. It makes them seem less like assholes and more like people. They don’t mention his connection to Monty because they dont realize how close he is getting to answers. Clay can still suspect he did the graffiti, after all it was a break in and a non student could have done that. Plus Estella is another red herring in the school. She serves that purpose so let Winston be the outsider looking in. His arc would still be about knowing a different Monty and not knowing who is was at Liberty but now he is literally the outsider who didn’t really get Monty, rather than it just being a figurative thing at the prom. You can still have the prom scene it would just be entirely imagined rather than the half imagined thing they went with. I think they overused the people talking to ghosts thing so here it would be a fantasy of Monty and the relationship they had rather then a representation of what could have been. However I don’t think this would have retracted from the point. Also play him up, he is a sympathetic antagonist and it sucks how much he is sidelined for Diego. I didn’t hate Diego but Winston and him basically went through the same arc. They were pro Monty and ending up dating a member of the group, couldnt believe that member was involved and then learned something about Bryce and Monty agreed to move on and just did. All while saying they will alway care for that member of the group. It was an unnecessary rehash. Having WInston be the outsider looking in and Diego the insider looking out also lets their characters compliment each other. They should still work together, just have Winston contact him looking for Monty’s friends. It’s simple.

2) Tyler and Tony

Oh Tyler. The character who seems to be in the middle of everything despite never doing anything himself. I didn’t mind his arc of helping the cops find the guys who sold the illegal guns. But Tony’s suspicions, eventually leading to Clay and Tony finding out the truth and just moving on never really go anywhere. I think it would be cool if Tyler tells Tony, despite the cops telling him not to tell anyone, because he trusts Tony. But Tony, who has had bad run ins with the cops, thinks it is a bad idea. He doesn’t want Tyler taking the deal. Tyler says its the only way the guns wont be traced back to them but Tony thinks teh cops are planning to double cross them to mind out more about Bryce and Monty. At the same time he starts getting close to that cop that takes him boxing and helps him get into college (i dont remember his name for the life of me lol). Tyler sees this as being hypocritical and pulls away. Tony still suspects Tyler is behind the lock down because he is pulling away and Tony is getting paranoid. The rest of their story can still be the same but this way they can show Tony’s paranoia and his loyalty.

As for Tyler and Estella, It was fine. The scene of them in the bathroom was really powerful, being in the bathroom with a de la cruz and becoming comfortable because isnt her brother was really nice. This could even be another reason Tony and Tyler fight. Tony can be paranoid that Tyler is trusting her too quickly and think she will turn on him.

3) Jess

Her arc with the principal, being scared and agreeing with the security measures before she sees them in action was really interesting. Focus more on it and less on her manipulating Diego. I did like parts of that arc for her so I don’t want it completely gone but I do think focusing on her working with the principal would have been cool. I would call more attention to her first meeting and her agreeing with the measures and slowly show her change her mind and start to turn against them. Maybe even have an early scene of her and ANi talking about it and have Jess admit she feels safer. Move the creepy cop trying to pat her down to the second or third day. So she can have a moment where they make her feel safe before the negative experience. I loved the protest and a bit better build up would have made it amazing

Her arc with Ani. They fought over Bryce... It should have been a conversation. Not a moment where Ani judges Diego and then they argue. I still think this arc should have been Chloe and Jess and should have been in last season. But they had the opportunity to include Chloe this season and just didnt. I’ll talk about this a bit more in the Zach section but I think Chloe should have been at Prom and the moment between the Ani Jess and Chloe should have been then. It would be right after Jess and Ani made up and would have been cool.

I don’t think she should have had scenes where she saw and talked to Bryce. Yes it created some powerful moments but they could be reworked. Have WInston use his wealth to commission a positive thing in the paper about Bryce and Monty and have her talk to his idealized photo of Bryce. I will mention it in the Clay section but her hallucinations detracted from his journey with mental health.

4) Clay

Okay two thing here the first is his arc with mental health, hallucinations, and blackouts. They used it for drama and I wish they hadnt. It should have been about him healing. I didnt mind the way they handled the realization for clay that it was him doing everything (Did they explain the symbol he kept drawing because I missed it if they did? or i just forgot because it was that forgettable lol) but I think the whole thing could have been handled a lot better and a more educated fan then I can provide a better explanation for what exactly was off about it. I will say the the therapy sessions were repetitive and I know thats realistic but for a tv show its boring. The scene were Clay goes to his home was weird and low key scary. I understand the purpose but I wish he had called him and asked to meet at his office instead. A more likable and relatable journey for Clay with his mental health would be really good for a show that was accused of glorying suicide (personally i dont think it did. My inbox is open if you wanna talk though :))

The second thing is the phantom phone caller. I hate this trope so it might just be me but this is so stale. There are exactly two ways it could go. The person could know everything and be a real problem or the person could be fishing for information and not be a real problem. The whole thing was predicable since Winston had red herring written all over him, Estella was barely developed, and on this show it is always the football guys. Instead let the pranks be smaller and less crazy. Like these boys had to coordinate a lot to mess with Clay. There should be more than one prank and end with a Monty doll and Clay holding a knife to set up the camp episode. But they should be pranks, not the phantom caller psychological torture bs. The blood shower can also happen just on a different day. Clay can be confused about what is real and what isnt making him even more worried about his blackouts and again assuming the mental health arc is handled well, the pranks can be a real part of it. Dumping him in the pit on the camping trip also seemed kinda attempted murdery so maybe do something like tie him to a tree of the path or in a small dirt ditch not a rocky pit where if he hit his head or fell weird the team would all be murderers.

5) Alex

His arc with Charlie was one of my favorite stories this season. I was also not bothered by him getting close to and exploring his sexuality with Winston and Zach. I’m in the minority but I’m glad Zalex wasn’t made canon and Zach was used to be an effective (kinda) ally and good friend. Plus this way Zalex can live on in the fandom untouched or ruined by the writers interpretation.

They should have given us Alex in therapy. He tried to kill himself had a traumatic injury, an arc with steroid abuse, and an arc about killing someone. All of which were forgotten this season. All the other characters seemed to be dealing with Bryce and Monty, why not focus on Alex? Even if it isnt in therapy just let him exist in his feelings.

6) Zach

I have one major issue with Zach’s arc, the lack of Chloe. She was the reason he almost killed a man. Let them date, let him start to spiral while dating her. She doesnt know what he did. Have them grow apart on screen but her still connecting to him and not wanting to give up on him. They should go to prom together. I know the hooker was supposed to represent Zach turning into Bryce with the hookers and the drunken sex/potential rape and cocaine. But Chloe fills the same comparison. He brings cocaine she is not okay with it, He tries to convince her to have sex in the back she is not having it. Maybe he tries to convince maybe it becomes a bit worse than that but she breaks up with him at prom and leaves early. She sees Bryce in him, she doesnt have to say it but you can see it on her face and she walks away when her mind and heart tells her to this time no making excuses. Boom Chloe actually has an arc. As for Zach this is a big wake up call for him he sees what we had become. I know it is later in the actual show but I think it should be in the prom episode so he can have a better conclusion in the finale, like the other characters. The whole season was a downward spiral and I wish we got to see more of him pulling himself out of it. If the whole finale is him getting better even though he wont be all the way done he will be in a better place up the end.

7) Justin

Okay the hard one. I think the writers really wanted to kill him. I mean a fan favorite, who did bad things, and the death would be in the series finale. this is a tv writer’s drug of choice. So I’m gonna do a fix where I still kill him first then to the ideal version. Ok so first Justin dies. No HIV/AIDS. It was out of nowhere, unneeded, and seemed a bit insensitive. If you want it to be related to his drug use, make it so he got a bad batch when he relapsed. Or maybe organ failure. If it doens’t need to be drug related it can be an accident or someone he knew on the streets getting revenge, like that drug dealer we spent time with last season. Or if Justin helps Tyler put the gun salesmen behind bars then have it be retaliation for that. He can still go to the hospital and have goodbyes but it wont be an aids diagnosis and death in the same episode. I know they had signs in earlier episodes but the timeline is still really fucked up...

An ideal ending would have him live. He can still pass out at Prom. The diagnosis can be a combination of stress and withdrawal symptoms.He can be the red herring for the person in the coffin. If Justin lives he can represent hope. He can show the audience that you can get better and things can work out. Even if you are sick and think you will die you can do better be better and live in a better world. Plus I love him and really wanted him to be happy. The message would be you can get out of a bad situation and wold have ended a sad series on a positive note. Even if you are a bad person. Even if you have bad circumstance. Even if it feels like the world is against you, it can get better if you put in the effort. Which felt like the message the show was going for in eariler seasons by showing the people on the tapes doing better but abandoned this last season.

So who would I put in the coffin. Ani’s mom. Now I know she wasn’t a well liked character and her mom wouldn’t have the same audience or character reaction Justin’s death did. But this version isn’t about making the audience sad. Ani would finally have a plot that was really about her, her mom died, Bryce’s mom basically wants to provide for her. And she isn’t sure what to do. Justins funeral felt like it was overshadowed by graduation anyway. Now Ani’s moms absence and the funeral being overshadowed both make sense. She is going to college and doing what she can to honor her mom. And the death of a parent causes Clay to immediately appreciate his own family more. The theme in the first season with Clay was appreciating and acting on his feelings for Hannah before she was gone. Ani’s mom dying is a reality check for him and he know the most important things are his family and friends. Justin’s arc was about finding a family and he did. The core of the show is about family, friends, and the importance of a strong support system. And starting it with a mother grieving her daughter and ending it with a daughter grieving her mother would be a cool full circle moment.

This post is really long so if you read all the way down Thank you! :)

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ayatosmlktea · 4 years

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Vampire au request? Levi & reader are hunters. During one mission he thinks she dies but he finds out later she was turned during the chaos. She stayed away because she knew he hated vampires because they killed farlan and isabel. So he hunts her and she thinks hes trying to kill her, so she runs but he just wants her back. Maybe he relives old memories between them when she slips away. Angst please. He doesnt catch up to her either... yet... 😏 if it's too specific feel free to spin off it lol

A/N: I’m really sorry if this is too long but holy fuck I got so inspired! I love supernatural shit! ❤️

𝑯𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 ❤️

Y/N’s head throbbed painfully, her eyes unwilling to open. She had experienced her fair share of hangovers throughout her early adult years but her throat had never felt drier than it had in that moment. Her body felt like it had quite literally died and been resurrected all in the same night. Swallowing what felt like sand paper she weakly rolls onto her side forcing her eyes open.

“Hey shes awake!” An unknown female voice shrills.

“About time. Thought she was actually going to die.” Another voice laughs, probably male but possible female.

“Poor girl must be famished.” The first voice cackles. On cue, her body was flooded with the aching desire to drink something. She felt both starved and thirst at the same time. Y/N’s eyes begin to focus in the dark, two figures were in the room with her. One was sitting on a large crate, one leg dangling over the edge while the other was bent at the knee resting on the edge of the box.

Another girl was kneeling in front of her, box dyed pink hair pulled up into two buns on either side of her head. The entire situation itself was weird enough but what made her blood run cold was the bright yellow eyes staring back at her.

The memories of the previous night all crashing in at once.

It was supposed to be a simple hunt! Erwin had tipped them off about a small vampire nest lurking on the outskirts of downtown. It was one they had been tracking for a while now but each time they got close the nest always vanished within hours. They were drawing attention to themselves, recklessly pulling whatever bodies they could grab into their dingy hideout and leaving them drained scattered throughout the city. It was disgusting. Every time they had to fight vampires Y/N was always reminded of the way their two friends had tragically died. The rain didn’t seem like it was going to let up any time soon, the streets becoming less crowded the farther they walked. It was oddly quiet, the sky was dark grey casting a gloomy mood over the city. It didn’t take them long to find the hideout, either they were lazy vampires or they wanted to be caught. It was strange and Y/N had a heavy feeling of dread sitting in her stomach.

“Don’t you think this is too easy?” She hissed to Levi who has busy pulling their concealed machetes from a duffle bag.

“Doesn’t matter, just take them out as quickly as possible. Vampires are dumb fuckers Y/N don’t over think it.” His words were gruff but she knew how uncomfortable he was. Despite his hard exterior he hated this as much as she did, probably more. The nest was fairly small, neither of them sparring the creatures a second chance as they decapitated one after another. Years of being seasoned hunters had made their reflexes faster, they had decided to split up their chances of ending this bloodbath were faster that way. Levi didn’t have to think twice about it, Y/N was more than capable of taking care of herself especially against lower level vamps. Scoping out every inch of their underground nest, Y/N was satisfied that she had managed to take out every one there. Pulling out a cloth she wiped the blood off her hands, setting down the machete at her feet momentarily.

It was a stupid mistake, she should have waited until they were safely above ground before letting her ground down. A rustling noise behind her catches her attention, before she can grab her weapon a hard blow to the back of her head knocks her unconscious.

“Why didn’t you just kill me?” She demands, glaring daggers at the vampire on the crate.

“Don’t you think this is much more fun?” The girl squeals, in her hand was a recognizable blood bag. The sight alone made her want to throw up.

“So what, I’m just going to sit here and watch you sick fucks drink blood for fun?” Y/N sneers, the hunger she had felt earlier now almost too intense to process. Never in her life had she felt such an insatiable need to eat something.

“You still don’t get it do you?” There was no hiding the amusement written all over his face and it made her heart drop into her stomach. Her hand wanders up to her chest revealing her biggest fear. She had no heartbeat.

“What the fuck did you do?” She shrieks unable to fight the wave of panic washing over her, angry tears slid down her cheeks - well at least it felt like they were. Moving her fingers up to her eyes she felt nothing, it was the strangest thing she had ever experienced. It felt like she was crying but there were no tears, she would never cry again. Faster than lightning the brunette was at her side, his fingers gripping her hair in a painfully tight grip she was sure would have ripped her scalp right off her head if it wasn’t for her undead state.

“You really thought I was just going to sit there and let you and that stupid midget come in and wipe out my entire clan?” His voice was calm but there was an undeniable rage seeping into his tone.

“You didn’t think it was a little too easy?” His words make her eyes squeeze shut with regret, she should have pushed harder.

“I’ve been thinking about this ever since Detroit, you remember that don’t you?” His lips were uncomfortably close to her ear sending shivers all the way down to her toes. She knew what he was talking about, it was probably their biggest nest kill. Yanking her head back at an awkward angle their eyes meet.

“You took something special from me that night so what better way to return the favour than to take something away from you” Once again the feeling of crying but not being able to takes over her senses. His grip on her hair doesn’t give up as he drags her to her feet over to a dingy mirror on the wall.

“Look at yourself, you really think he’s going to love you when you look like that?” Y/N doesn’t want to look, she knows already what she’s going to find. But she can’t help her eyes drifting upwards, anger and despair swirling around her stomach. Her eyes were bloodshot, iris’s the colour of liquid honey and her skin was ghastly pale.

Two distinct marks in her neck were enough to send her hurtling towards a full blown panic attack. Levi. He was never going to forgive her, their last moments together hadn’t been sweet or memorable. And now she was going to have to live with the reality of being a monster.

“Fuck you!” Her hands desperately trying and grab onto anything she can grab onto. The sudden feeling of a strength she could never have possibly known before was crawling under her skin. Her nails claw at his face leaving three long gashes but no blood comes out.

Rather than the rage she had expected he merely looks content. Her head begins to feel fuzzy, static over taking any thoughts she had as his eyes glow a little brighter.

“Sit” he commands and her body willingly obeys. Horrified at how powerless she is to his control over her mind she can do nothing but watch as he takes the bag of blood from the pink haired girl and brings it over to her.

“I apologize for not having anything…fresh after all you did ambush our nest. This will have to do for now but in your state I’m sure you’ll enjoy it” Tilting her head back with ease his sharp nail pokes a hole into the bag. The smell suddenly overwhelms her senses. It was the sweetest thing Y/N had ever smelled and she wanted nothing more than to rip into the bag and devour every last drop. The hunger growing inside her now too unbearable to ignore and almost painful as drool shamelessly pours down her mouth.

“Open up love” he smirks watching her helplessly obey his commands. The first drop was heaven it ignited every nerve in her body and she was ashamed to admit how good it tasted. Despite wanting to spit it out and scrub her tongue until the taste no longer lingered there Y/N couldn’t deny how strong it made her feel.

Before she knew it the entire bad was empty, the hunger still there but only a dull flame now. Releasing his hold of her, her body collapses against the wall. There was no going back now, she couldn’t be saved and Levi would never forgive her. Y/N had turned into the one thing he hated most and the thought of never being able to touch him again made her feel even more dead inside.

♡ ♡ ♡

Levi was distraught, no distraught was not strong enough. He was…going out of his mind seemed more appropriate. He should have listened to Y/N when she had voiced her concerns but he had been too caught up in his own feelings to realize that they were walking into a trap. It had been almost a month since then, he was sure she was dead. Levi tried not to think about the worse possibility of being kept as a feeder, it made him sick to think that she might be suffering.

Levi had forced Erwin and Hange to help him find her body, he wouldn’t have any peace of mind until he could confirm with his own eyes that she was dead. He was barely sleeping, every time he closed his eyes her face haunted his dreams. Levi felt guilty he’d left her alone. His snarky attitude masking his discomfort had worked against him, he could barely remember what her lips felt like or what she smelled like and it was making him increasingly angry. How could he let himself forget her so fast.

Levi had his hands dug deep into the pockets of his leather jacket, his duffle bag resting against his hip. The air was dry and cold, but Levi didn’t care. Every night since they had been separated Levi had gone out every night looking for her until dawn.

Levi was sure he was going to die. The malevolent spirit in front of him had it’s hand buried in his chest - literally gripping his heart. It was the worst pain he had ever felt and there was no one who was coming to his rescue this time. Y/N had been on another hunt and Erwin was taking care of his own shit.

He hands claw into the floorboards trying to read for his shot gun loaded with rock salt. It wouldn’t be enough to kill it but it would at least give him a few minutes to breathe. His fingers just barely graze the handle of the gun, the edges of his vision are slowly turning black. A loud gunshot rings in his ears, the weight on his chest lifted causing him to gasp in as much air as possible.

“Jesus seems like we only meet up when I’m saving your ass, pretty boy” Y/N smirks reloading her gun with another round of rock salt bullets. Walking over to him she stretches her hand out offering her help.

“You didn’t save my ass, I had it under control” He grumbles but accepts her help anyway. Standing up he rubs his chest, the dull ache of the spirit’s nails digging into his skin still throbbing.

“Whatever you say doll” She chirps resuming her search of the vacant house for the remains that was trapping the ghost to the house ignorant to the pair of grey eyes trained on her swaying hips. Levi hated to admit it but without her help he probably wouldn’t have survived. They finished the job fairly quick after that, finding the cursed stuffed animal and burning it in the backyard putting the spirit to rest.

“Damn Levi, these are pretty deep” she winced at the sight of bloodied claw marks on his chest. Y/N had insisted she tend to his wounds as soon as they checked into a motel before they had a chance of becoming infected. The sight of his bare torso had her feeling light-headed. There was no denying Levi was incredibly attractive but she liked playing with the air of sexual tension that seemed to loom over them. The room suddenly seemed too small for two people and despite her best attempts at self control she couldn’t help her hands trailing down his body.

“Something wrong Y/N?” Levi’s smooth voice only added to the fog that was clouding her mind and agains her better judgement she found herself unable to resist kissing him. Levi’s complete shock at her actions left him unable to respond. No one had ever been so bold, usually he was the one making the first move and honestly, it was kind of attractive. Just as fast as she had kissed him she pulled back, her usual cockiness replaced with embarrassment the blush on her cheeks tugged at his heart.

“Sorry I didn’t- I just like you and uh- you looked cute” Levi didn’t say anything as she stuttered over her words, merely cupping her face with both his hands and bringing their mouths back together.

Levi sighed bitterly at the memory, since they had been inseparable. Giving up their hunting on their own to work together. His feet moved on their own, carrying him through the dead city weaving through empty alleys until the sound of gurgled screaming caught his attention. Running towards the sound he tries to squash down the building feeling of apprehension building up. His suspicions had been on the mark as usual, except what he saw before him was worse than he had ever imagined. If it was possible Levi was sure his heart had stopped beating for a few seconds.

“Y/N?” The person before him stilled at his words, her shoulders visibly tense.

♡ ♡ ♡

Y/N really didn’t want to give into the insatiable thirst she felt for blood but Eren, the clan leader, had told her that as a newly turned vampire the desire was going to be unbearable until her body adjusted to the change. Without blood she was weak and she couldn’t run away if she was weak, they would catch her within hours. It disgusted her at how far she’d fallen, doing the thing that had killed her two best friends and becoming a monster.

And then he just had to show up. She froze at the sound of his voice, it was almost like they had never been apart and the smell of him. GOD it was enough to get drunk off. She could smell everything, his fear, love, and bitterness. Allowing herself one last glance at the man she could no longer have she looked back at him, not bothering to wipe the blood away from her mouth. If her heart was still working it would have been beating erratically in her chest at the sight of him, leather jacket and ripped jeans. His black hair messy and neck just inviting her over for a taste.

The look in his eyes was unreadable, but as soon as she saw him reaching for his back she sprinted off faster than he could catch up with her, grateful for her newfound inhumane speed.

“Y/N wait goddamnit!” He shouts after her but as much as she loved him she didn’t want to die. She kicks herself for allowing herself to believe that Levi would spare her life. They were hunters, well he was. It was his job to rid the world of monsters like her. They could never be together. The realization was bitter, nonexistent tears wanting to fall from her amber eyes. She didn’t stop running until she was miles away from him, returning to their new nest. Y/N didn’t want to come back but until she was strong enough to kill Eren she couldn’t survive on her own.

“Fuck she’s a fucking vampire!” Levi shouted in frustration over the phone. His worst fears coming to life were surprisingly not as big of a deal as he had imagined them to be. He would rather have her alive over dead any day, but at what cost. Every time the image of her bent over a corpse with blood dripping down her face flashed before his eyes he cringed. But that was Y/N, his Y/N. He couldn’t give up on her so easily.

“If you can bring her back I think there’s a way we can reverse the transformation” Erwin replied sounding faintly distracted.

“Hange’s been working with some other hunters across the country and she said they’ve found ways to turn a vampire back into a human but it’s not easy.”

“I don’t care! I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back.” Levi would track her day and night if it meant he could hold her in his arms again. Vampire or not she was the love of his life and there was no way he was letting her slip through his fingers.

Masterlist

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abri-chan · 4 years

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great blog btw, weird question but I think your the best to answer it maybe, what is the deal with Gio's age,he is 15 during Vento but a lot of girls I know who are Jojo fans(mostly manga based ones if that makes a difference) are absolutely horny for him and get angry when I bring up him being 15 during Vento or say well in current day he would be legal now so it doesnt matter or he is drawn older looking, but they are still kinda lusting after him at 15, what are you thoughts on this?

If I remember correctly Giorno does look younger in the way, and everyone is kinda twinkier in it than in the anime, but by the end of the manga he looks a lot like Dio in part 6. Especially that panel where he’s holding the arrow after defeating Diavolo I think?

I think this is not an easy ask to answer, because there are several things to consider.

The important thing is that it’s okay to you feel uncomfortable with them lusting after Giorno. You don’t need an excuse to be uncomfortable and if you feel something is not right, it’s okay to express your dislike or disagreement. I know there has been a lot of pushback against antis but I want to reiterate that being uncomfortable with certain things doesn’t make you an anti. The word is unfortunate because you can be against age-up content (and although I am fine with aged-up, I respect your right to be uncomfortable), but that doesn’t make you an anti in the fandom sense. In the fandom sense of the word, an anti is someone that not only dislikes certain content or wishes the content didn’t exist, but they actively go and harass real people over fictional content. The second part is the critical ingredient to make an anti. As long as you don’t harass others over what they like or dislike, it’s your right to speak against certain content or avoid it.

I understand your discomfort, because I cannot say that fiction never affects reality. I know antis love to use this argument, and the problem is they’re not even wrong. The issue is that they take the relationship between the two to be very simple, when in fact there are academic books and papers dedicated to exploring the relationship. Some things can have a direct and easily measurable correlation: for example diverse fiction representation affects marginalized groups positively. Also the way women are portrayed in the media has a direct effect on how men can view women IRL. But it gets complicated because we have to consider who controls the mainstream narrative: for example pornhub will have more effect on normalizing incest than jonadio fanfiction. Then you also have to consider the purpose of a piece of work or media. For example, I believe writers should be allowed to explore certain topics for the sake of exploring, just as artists can do with colors. So are dead-dove topics used by a writer to explore, cope, instant gratification, shock, pushback? How much power does this writer truly have with regards to their position ins society?

Then there are times where fiction doesn’t really translate into reality: for example, are horror writers out there murdering people? Is thinking of a murder the same as murdering someone irl, is murdering someone in the fiction the same as murder irl? We can get violent and inhibited in videogames bc we know there are not real consequences; but wouldn’t IRL because we know you can’t just hurt someone and reset the game. So while fiction affects reality, and reality affect fictions, it’s not always easy to measure how, and it’s not always linear. Also why banning all taboos or trying to police what people like is doomed to fail bc it takes a very simplistic view on human imagination or psychology.

Returning to Giorno being 15 in the series, the aged-up argument is the easiest one to defend IMO, and one I don’t get why people have problems with. We have aged-up examples of characters in JoJo: Jonathan, Jotaro, and so on. If someone can imagine adult Giorno (and I’ve seen some amazing art of Don Giovanna), they are not lusting after a child... Despite what his canon age is, you can’t argue they’re pedophiles bc they are clearly into an art piece that depicts him as adult. Why would someone think of adult Giorno when seeing teen Giorno? Idk why is Araki concerned with making a handsome man out of teen Jotaro (his words, he’s actually very particular about his characters being attractive)? We have to measure the mangaka and the fans by the same ruler, else we are hypocrites. Sometimes imagination takes you there... but once you see adult Giorno, it’s adult Giorno.

Another thing is that in the anime, and later parts of the manga, the characters do act and look older than their canon age. If no one told me what the ages where in Vento, I’d think the teens were young adults, and the adults were late 20s, early 30s. So while Araki slapped an age onto them; as a viewer it’s hard to detach your experience of seeing characters that look and act like adults from some number that seems to have no grounding in the world. I read somewhere that age in manga is used a lot for marketing: if it’s published in shonen jump and it will be mostly teens reading, you slap a teen age on the characters. But maybe as adults, mangakas have a hard time to imagine actual teens (it’s hard to actually write good children characters, and I suppose it’s hard to write teens too). So they end up with adults, but have to somewhat label the characters as teens to get teenagers to read the story. Let’s take someone that we can all agree looks adult, Risotto. Imagine someone told you that’s a 14 year old boy. You have this abstract information of age, but your eyes tell you that is the face and body of a grown man. So what will be easier to process for your brain?

Sure IRL if you knew Giorno was 15 but he looked adult, you clearly don’t get involved. But since this is fiction, it is possible to detach the concept of Giorno acting and looking like an adult from his actual age, because there are no consequences. The age is very abstract in this case... and I feel that’s why some of these fans are doing. They see someone that acts and looks adult, and it’s silly to claim they are 15, because it doesn’t add up. The reverse is when mainstream anime draws lolis and calls them 100 years old adults... you feel uncomfortable bc even though you are given an age, the visceral aspect it’s that of a child...

Now if these fans really lusted for someone that looks 15, that’s another question. And it’s not the same as people writing underage content... bc we have to consider how it fits within the narrative (anyone remember Game of Thrones?).

#anime manga rambles #giorno giovanna #jojo #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #Ougon no Kaze #Golden Wind #Vento Aureo

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tslasvegas · 3 years

Text

Episode 12: “I’ve been awakened.” - Xavier

Well that vote went exactly how I had hoped it would... and then the super idol came out! I'm glad that it's out of the game now once and for all, but I guarantee that Liv is going to find something else along the way. It's so hard for me to summarize everything that I'm doing around here because I feel like I'm doing a lot. Maybe that's going to come bite me in the ass this coming vote but idk, I'm not mad about it. I definitely limited myself a lot by really not going for the money shot and convincing Jeff to use his vote steal on Joey to get Joey the hell out of here, but maybe in some weird way it works. Because now I have John's 8 chips and I'm going to need as many as I can get to somehow beat Livingston. I definitely think that snubbing this vote is going to be my biggest detriment only bc it provides the opportunity for Livingston to ascend higher as a threat, but also avoid getting voted out at our next convenience. I still really want Kailyn to go, but I think the goal for everyone else is to get rid of Livingston or myself (maybe Joey) at the next tribal council. Ugh. Heh... I never would've thought that I could pull off that kind of a move and have it not fully work out in my favor. It was a cool feeling regardless and I'm not crushed if it means I played myself out of the game. I give myself credit where it's due, I'm going to continue fighting as always and hopefully I come out on top :~)

Last Luxor standing

youtube

Whelp, there goes the Super Idol. Jaiden is a snakey little snake snake. Pat and Jeff are naïve as all hell. I'm not 100% sure I believe Jaiden now, but apparently Joey's plan was to cut me at like final 6 or something. And people are so convinced that Livingston and I are a duo. I mean we are, but like maybe if anyone would ACTUALLY FUCKING TALK TO ME AND TRY TO WORK WITH ME, we wouldn't be??? Like don't whine and bitch that Livingston and I are a duo who are going to stick together and not turn against each other if you can't even be bothered to respond to a single fucking message of mine. I have no issues voting out whoever is necessary for me to get farther in the game. But when only a limited number of people express in interest in going farther with me? You better fucking bet I'm working with those people. Anyways, can't wait to vote out Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier. xoxo Gossip Girl

Waiting on Immunity Results, but whatever happens the 5 of us need to vote together, and be smart about it! We know that liv, Keegan and Joey will vote together. Probably for me next. So Jeff Pat need to stick with us. We need to split the votes 3-2, and use a vote steal, cancel or extra to get it to 3-3 just in case of idols. We need to be smart about this. Going all out and proposing this once results are in. I am going to the Jury next anyway, go out guns blazing.

...five seconds later

OMG I WON IMMUNITY! Finally something good! I figured most people gave their correct numbers, and if not, just chose a number close to theirs. OR they didn't coordinate so well, so some gave a higher number and others gave a lower one, so it cancelled out. Also helps that I knew Liv and Pat's numbers with the advantage. Pat gave mine accidentally so I knew his was in the 40s as well. Phew. Now to figure out whether to use the Steal a Vote now or not.

I came so close to winning immunity but it was rudely snatched away from me by Xavier. On the plus side, Livingston found the hidden immunity idol on the idol board! Heck yeah! As long as there isn’t a full blindside we should be good now!

(originally written 11/23, night after super idol) Anyways what rly bugs me is that Jeff is actually mad at me now for the fact that he wasted his vote on Joey and I tried to get rid of Livingston instead... and I think I put myself into a spot where I need to apologize to him and make him feel good about me again. Tbh no I don’t. Jeff said to me that he’s got to play his own game first and mine second. So why am I playing some other people’s games first? Because it benefits me to play everyone’s hand for them, yes, but also I’ve been caught trying to run the entire table a little too early. So maybe now it’s time for me to do something a little different - play my game first. It’s now fully Jeff’s fault that Joey didn’t leave. I told Jeff precisely what he needed to do to ensure Joey went home. He needed to play the vote steal and send Joey on packing... and he didn’t. So now when Pat and I finally talk tomorrow and he tells me what’s up, I’m not gonna hold back. I’m going to throw Jeff under that bus so fucking hard his head will spin. Pat doesn’t know about the vote steal and I think I’ll hold that piece of information over Jeff’s head a little bit longer - I know something no one else knows about you, keep me safe or it’s coming out and everyone’s going to come after you. So tomorrow I will blame Jeff to Pat. Sure I was the person who made the move, but it’s my game and I’m playing it now. If Pat doesn’t like my apology, then kiss my ass and take eighth place. Bye!

...five seconds later

I'm pessimistic as FUCK so I'm fully expecting to go home tonight and I'm writing this confessional against better judgment because I need to rly focus on letting my mental state get back to normal rather than Survivor mode before I get voted out lmfao. Anyways, tonight is FINALLY the night where I'm making my last move against Joey, one way or another. This is the decision that will either determine oops sorry as I was writing that, I just realized something else... this is ME making yet another move that makes Jeff think I'm controlling the whole entire game I love that for me hehe. Should I convince the entire tribe to vote out Jeff instead??? Let's go fully with the chaos mode. DRAW ROCKS BITCHES!!!! Jk Jk Back to my original point - this is the vote that determines whether I was worth being brought back for this game or not. I'm not trying to be this like crazy strategist who has all these cracked plans to take out Joey but that's where we're at rn. One side of me like, trusts Jeff but the other side of me doesn't. So I told Jeff about Joey's legacy advantage and now it's like, getting Jeff to want to turn on Joey. Even though Joey told me he wanted to get rid of Jeff it seems like Jeff is not as stressed about it. I'm pretty sure Jeff turned votes against me instead, it is what it is. It's the game. However, Jeff would be really stupid to not vote out Joey now while he has the chance... it's probably going to come down to Jeff winning this whole entire thing if he makes the correct move tonight because I'm certainly not going to turn my back on him if he follows through. But, crazy things have happened tonight. And it's about to get a whole lot crazier. :) Although I'm like, CERTAIN I'm going home tonight or at least getting votes. OK IM TRYING SO HARD TO WRITE THIS CONFESSIONAL BUT SO MUCH IS HAPPENING AHHHH IM STRESSING OUT BUT I KNOW THERES A GOOD PLAN OUT THERE FOR ME TO MAKE AND HOPEFULLY IM NOT SCREWING MYSELF OVER

...five seconds later

OKAY I think I'm gonna be ok but I'm taking a HUGE risk rn!!! Basically putting my vote onto Liv with Joey and hoping Joey 1) doesnt have an idol and 2) gets the rest of the votes. But my logic for voting Liv is simple. If Joey actually has an idol he's been hiding, he plays it and reveals I voted for him again if I don't do it. It also prevents me/Kailyn from going home 2-1-0 since Keegan and Liv seem to be locked in on one of us (likely me). If somehow Jeff/Pat are lying and are part of split, it'll go 2-2-2-2 which is not only insane but it also gives me a PERFECT platform to light people up, namely Jeff and his vote steal advantage. But we'll see! I'm predicting to go home tonight :) But at least I made a move when I could. Good luck to me <3

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unfortunatematchups · 4 years

Note

(Hello is this blog dead because I haven't seen you post since February)

nope, this blog aint dead. i have it open on a browser tab as long as im online to check on any new asks and messages. im going to leave a short explanation here for those who dont want to waste their time.

weve been busy with other interests and ive gotten something like a writers block. matchup block? since im the primary writer here, theres pretty much no activity as long as im not writing. thats it. no reason, nothing to do with personal problems. just a block.

keep reading for the real reason. you might not like it, but here it is.

im going to use these john sprites to convey my emotion so it might clear up any doubts on how im feeling. lets start with the process of how i write a match.

this is what a draft looks like. i write out how i would rant about this pairing, errors and all, then i leave it for the next day to come back to this and clean this draft into a polished, three-pointer paragraph. the thing is, im the only one doing this, so its obviously going to take long. i dont mind, i love to type and see something spawn from my effort.

the problem? these rants are people-specific. right. whatever im rambling about in the draft, its about the ask and the ask only. it wouldnt fit if you crammed it into another ask, it wouldnt make a lick-a-sense if it was used to answer someone else. but, when i start to polish it up with clear and coherent sentences, suddenly it becomes… static. it becomes plain and simple, uninteresting and linear. think of it like youre hearing about a book from someone you know and trust versus a review. the person you know describes why the book is great with a lot of passion and love, but theres a lot of errors in delivery and some awkward bits they havent flushed out yet.

nevertheless, its enjoying and persuasive, because you can see how they love it so much to the point where it gets them like that. they dont plan out how theyll describe the book to you word by word, because theres no need to. seeing how it gets them excited gets you excited, so you buy their faith in the book.

what about a review? its clean, its cut, its perfect in delivery. it has a flow, introducing you to the story and overall appeal, then maybe it digs down for a spoiler or two. it gels with you in a simple fashion, doesnt quite have that connection a passionate ramble has. because its professional.

thats what ive been making this blog to be. professional. i answer the request with a polished, pretty and perfect answer. theres no personal connection. i could take a match, swap out a couple of words, maybe cut out a bit, and it would be clear for another match. it feels static to write those paragraphs, and it progressively gets worse each time i repeat the process. im chipping away at something so close, so personal and unique into something dull and professional because i want it to look clean.

but thats my end of the problem. i dont like how it comes out, so what? people enjoy it. they must be, seeing how theres fifty three fucking asks for matchups and 73 followers.

i wont show all the asks i have in the inbox, but ill tell you what majority, if not all of them, sound like.

“I’m bi/pan”, “I have brown hair/eyes”, “I’m chubby/short”, “I like art/gaming/reading/writing”, “I’m shy around people I don’t know, I’m crazy around people I know”, “I’m a nerd”, “I have ADHD/Anxiety”.

of course, there are some exceptions. not everything i say is as is, but from 50+ asks, these are what about three quarters of them sound like. there are personal differences, like music tastes and obscure hobbies, but the general gist is there.

im not going to say anything about the sexuality orientation, because im in a friend group where majority, if not all, are not cishets. yes, people like art and gaming.

but thats it? these descriptors are such shallow answers. i can personalise a match for you, sure, but does it feel like its right? you like gaming. so what, do you like ALL games? from FPS to Dating sims to Horror games to Sports games to Adult games? do you like ALL art? Surrealism, sculpture, comics, abstract, even those where they splash paint and call it a day? really? i dont think im asking for a lot when it comes to being specific. some asks literally just go ‘im a bi female, 5′3, i like gaming and drawing, im sometimes shy but i can be sassy at times’.

with everyone being so similar and vague, how am i supposed to give a match i feel is right? i might as well take everyones favourite boy david elizabeth strider and talk about how he likes your art and how he likes gaming and oh isnt it so great that you two like music.

there are some unique ones, and its pretty obvious which ones they are because ive put in more love into them. and i havent been able to do that to many asks.

and the physical descriptions. while im sure some of the characters do have types and preferences, i dont care for appearances. i dont care if youre fat or skinny, i dont care if youre tall or short, brown hair or blonde. you being morbidly obese or morbidly skinny may affect the match depending on how i feel the characters might respond to someone with those physical traits, but they shouldnt matter.

i dont need how you look. i dont want how you look. its shallow and unimportant. it takes up space in the ask, because you could be using it to describe your personality or interests in detail. not that youre limit to one ask, you can send in an entire fucking fourteen page essay and id match you, as long as youre telling me something i can pair you with.

telling me youre ‘chubby’ or ‘blonde’ doesnt help visualise shit. this shouldnt be new information to you or anyone else. writing shit like ‘he loves your curves!’ or ‘she likes how short you are because it makes you cute’ is bullshit and is simply self-serving nonsense. yes, its an additional bonus if your lover likes how youre short or fat, but that shouldnt be why theyre in love with you. a paragraph based on how much they like to hold you are appreciate your body is utter fucking nonsense. you appreciate your own body, and thats it.

i dont feel inspired when i look at some of these asks. i dont feel like i should answer any of these because a) im not obligated to, this blog is just a side hobby and b) id be writing something i dont enjoy for people who might also not enjoy it. i dont deserve to sit at my laptop and write something i feel doesnt represent my work or ideas well, and the person who im matching doesnt deserve the half-assed boring paragraph of nonsense im pulling out of my ass just to clear the inbox.

ive taken some time away from this blog and upon receiving this ask, i wanted to use the same old excuse every other blog uses: ‘we’ve been busy, so we went on an unannounced hiatus’.

but thats not true. with the pandemic forcing lockdowns, theres essentially nothing else for us to do. if anything, this would mean that we have more time to write.

so there it is. my truthful answer as to why nothings coming out of this blog.

part of this is my fault. i thought that maybe i could force myself to match all those vague asks that feel like theyre about the same person, just with a couple of changes. but i cant. i wont. im not going to keep writing shit i dont like, and im not going to keep giving half-assed matches, giving characters people are at the very least sure to be okay with.

i want to write exciting, unique and adorable relationships. i thought that with the homestuck fandom being so vast and creative, maybe i would get the chance to meet and write for a couple of people who were just so different it would make pairings id never thought of.

but nah, it looks like everything is the same. all the anon asks start to bleed together. the responses start becoming the same. im given descriptions that sound so tame, so generalised. like somehow, youre afraid of letting me know who you are as a person. or not, perhaps you just struggle with expressing yourself. thats why youre using anon to send in your ask, isnt it?

i turned anon on because i wanted to respect privacy. i wanted people to be able to send in each and every detail about themselves while remaining behind a mask so they could get the best match without exposing every inch of themselves on a blog. maybe that was my mistake.

ill leave the matches open, but im only going to do the ones that interest me. but if you decide that you dont give a fuck about the quality of the match, tell me or something. i have drafts that i can just post. maybe youd like that.

-pretty obviously, mod olio.

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youngmistressofchopchop · 4 years

Text

I did it. Now I dont write, I draw so this is not gonna be so good. Its been through many revisions and I realized I spelt "Yuseke" as "Yueske the entire time so forgive me ill fix that next chapter. My Kuwabara x oc story:

It was finally cold again. Miyoko was overjoyed, she had never liked summer. Sure there was no school and she had more time with friends, but she couldn't stand the heat. She detested those sweaty nights, or how the bugs always bothered her, actually she didnt care for any part of summer.

Miyoko had dropped so many hints over the years and yet somehow, Kuwabara still had no clue. His air-headed-ness was cute, but it made things difficult for the shy girl Miyoko was. She just couldn't work up the nerve to say something, and when she did, something would always interrupt her. However, today she planned to change that! Miyoko got dressed up as cozy as she could, ready for what her and her friends had planned and with a gleam of excitement in her eyes, she headed out the door.

That was apart from going to see her crush, Kazuma Kuwabara's baseball games, he would play every summer. When they were younger, he played in an official team wearing his "Mötor Head" jersey and smoking every opposing team he played against. Miyoko never missed a single game! Every home run, every strike, and every fight that broke out because of a bad call, she was there. When they got older, she would be there to watch him play against his friends, still wearing that jersey. She was always supportive of him, she was madly in love with him, and had been for awhile.

"Urameshi!! Where do you think you're going?? I was talking to you!" Kuwabara's feet hit the sidewalk with force as he sprinted after Yueske, who had walked only a few feet, forcing Kuwabara to stop abruptly frantically trying to steady himself without falling. After regaining balance, Kuwabara grabed a fists full of his friend's jacket to pull him close aggressively.

"D-Dont tell anyone! Or I'll break your mouth, so you cant tell anyone nothin' ever again!!" Kuwabara's face was as red as the setting sun. Unfazed, Yuseke stared at Kuwabara blankly for a short second before sighing and shrugging the big flustered fool off of him.

"Listen man, I wont say anything. But this is getting really annoying. Ive told you before that you should just go through with it. Whats your problem with admitting to her anyways?" Yuseke looked to the helpless man and immediately regretted asking. Kuwabara looked off dramatically twords the orange and red sky. His shoulders slouched, slumping over, and fiddling with his hands.

"I....Shes really pretty, ya know? And...Im well...ya know?" His voice trailed off, as if wanting reassurance he was being foolish. When there was no reply, Kuwabara peeked up with a quivering bottom lip.

Yueske stood with his hands in his pocket saying nothing, only wearing a furrowed brow and tight lips. Suddenly, he burst into laughter. Causing Kuwabara to stand up straight and look at him even more embarrassed, and ready to punch him.

"I never thought I'd hear the great Kuwabara, warrior of love, admit to being ugly!!" Mocked Yueske. He bent over shaking his head and slapping his leg, resting his other elbow on his knee and laughing loudly. He straightened and wiped a fake tear from his eye. Kuwabara gasped in shock.

"What?? Ugly??" Again Kuwabara grabbed at his friend, this time missing and falling. He quickly got up and held up a threatening fists.

"Im not ugly!! Im just not a romantic type!!" He rubbed his fists on his chest.

"I am a warrior of love, so I know how to treat a lady and how to talks to girls, I just....." He paused, his mouth moving like hes trying to remember how talking works. "She's different!!" He finaly blurted out. "She reads them girly romance books that Kurama likes!!" With a frustrated grunt, Kuwabara rubbed his neck nervously and spoke in a much more serious tone.

"Ive known her a real long time, and I cant tell her yet cuz I'm kinda worried she only thinks of me like how Shizuru thinks of me." Yueske picked up on the seriousness of the situation and scoffed trying to lighten things up again.

"Well you are ugly, but I think she likes you anyway. Besides man, why asks me? You think I read them werid books?" Yueske pat Kuwabara awkwardly on the shoulder.

"No way. I asked cuz you have a girlfriend!!" Kuwabara turned to look at Yueske who was moving his arm away.

"So? Doesnt mean I know what im doing, just asks Keiko." The boys laugh, seeming to have calmed down a great deal. Before much more could be said, four familiar and approaching voices could be heard chatting playfully.

"Oh dear, you didnt actually take me seriously did you, Miyoko?" Botan said in a teasing tone.

"I did!! I'm gullible, you cant just tell me anything about spirit world.I will believe it!! Everytime!" The two girls laughed.

"I've noticed," Interjected Kurama. "You have managed to retained alot of attributes from your childhood haven't you? I find that interesting." Kurama continud, wrapping an arm around Botan.

"Alot of people say that...is that a bad thing? I'm not immature am I?" Miyoko felt nervous now. Maybe that was the why Kuwabara never seemed to return her feelings, perhaps she wasn't mature enough for a relationship.

Keiko quickly spouted, "No no! I don't think he meant it like that, I think it's cute!" Keiko put a reassuring arm around Miyoko and smiled a friendly smile.

"Ofcourse! Its an admirable trait." Kurama said as Botan giggled.

Botan wagged her finger and pointed it at Miyoko with a knowing smile "Im on to you! You shouldn't feel so insecure!" Botan pulled her arm back and used it to hug Kurama's arm. "Don't be so hard on yourself, I know you're simply nervous, so you're being extra critical of yourself, but you'll do fine!" Botan hummed encouragingly. "And, we all look fantastic!" Botan added as they all rounded the corner.

Keiko stopped dead in her tracks, and started tapping her foot. "Well, most of us are...Yueske! I thought I told you to dress up!!" Keiko pouted, walking over to her boyfriend's side.

Yueske was the most casually dressed out of all of them. Just wearing his usual faded blue jeans, black converse shoes, plain yellow shirt and favorite green and yellow windbreaker jacket. He looked even more underdressed standing next to Keiko. She was wearing a lovely pale pink turtleneck, a plum purple suspender skirt reaching to her knees, long white socks, and loafers to match her skirt. Despite their contrasting attire, they somehow matched perfectly.

Yueske wrapped his arm around Keiko's shoulder and smirked."Kuwabara isnt dressed up." He looked over to Kuwabara and nodded his way while jutting his thumb twords his friend.

"What!! I am too!! This is the nicest thing I got!! Other than like...a tux or something!!" Kuwabara wore a blue Letterman jacket, a red sweater with dark blue jeans, and brown dress boots laced in black, he was indeed dressed up quite nicely. Miyoko blushed at the sight of his clothing, he cleaned up nicely as always. She couldn't help but smile at him, it was always a slight surprise to see him out of his school uniform. Kuwabara had a simular reaction to Miyoko's choice of clothing. She dawned a wine red A-line dress, knitted black leggins, and shin high beige lace up boots. She wasn't one to dress up like this, but she wanted to tonight, it was a special night after all.

Trying to redirect the situation and prevent Yueske and Kuwabara from fighting, Botan chimed in. "Well, I never have to worry about Kurama when it comesto presentation! Unless ofcourse, he's overdressed and making me look a fool!" Kurama and Botan giggled to eachother looking the most put together, like they were the parents of the group. Tonight, everyone was going their part to help Miyoko's odds, evident by Botan, who was wearing something much different from her usual choice of clothing.

She modelled a white turtle neck dress, form fitting reaching just above her knees with a small slit on the right side, with sleeves that reached slightly past her palms, she wore her wedding ring, hoop earings, beige velvet tights, and blue slip on flats to top off the look. To match her, Kurama dressed just as nice. Wearing a white button up tucked neatly into his dark brown pants, red suspenders with red suede shoes laced in black, and a matching wool trench coat to top complete it all. Now everyone felt underdressed.

"So what are we doing anyway?" Yueske asked scratching his cheek. Keiko shook her head "Are you serious? You've been waiting around this long, and you dont even know why??" Yueske simpled shrugged "I guess?"

Botan sighed looking tired, Yueske was a handful for everyone. "Dont you remember, Yueske? I told you this morning! We're all having dinner!"

Botan motioned to the brick building everyone was standing next to. "You've been standing right next to the restaurant! Where I told you we would be meeting up, seriously! You didn't connect the dots?" Botan tilted her head with a hopeless look. Yueske gritted his teeth and roughly pulled Keiko by her hip to his, talking through his teeth. "Whatever!!" He sighed and let go of Keiko fixed his hair flustered, he brought his fists down onto his palm talking loudly. "So now that we're all here, can we go?? Im starving and you guys took all damn evening to get here!"

Keiko lightly kicked his shoe pouting up at him. "Hush!! Its not our fault you dont listen, besides you didnt even try to dress nice! So I dont feel sorry for you." Yuseke quickly stepped aside and raised his voice a bit "Hey! Didnt ya hear me?? I didn't know what was going on!!" Keiko roughly poked her boyfriend's chest, "Again, not our problem! Listen and you wouldn't have to worry!!"

Kurama was the first to put a stop to the bickering. He took a wide step twords the brick building and grabbed the glass doors handle, he opened the door and motioned for everyone fallow him inside.

So theres that. I'll write more soon. I hope its as fun to read as it was fun to write.

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bunny-banana · 4 years

Note

For the director's cut thing, the story where Fabri asks Ermal out on a date but Ermal doesn't realize that? 👀

YO SO WE GONNA DO THAT OR WHAT

Its this fic btw if anyones curious.

Chap 1

Even with closed eyes, he sensed the man lying next to him turn towards him but Fabrizio did not spoke immediately. No, he just stayed silent for a bit, Ermal wasn’t quite sure what he was observing but before Ermal could ask, Fabrizio broke the silence.

its u. he’s gazing at u, u idiot.

’You didn’t exactly give off the vibe that you’d say yes’

“What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t give off the vibe?!”

mr no-homo meta has NO right to be surprised at that. boy went into a panic attack every time someone as much as breathed the suggestion ofc fab was Anxious

A certain Roman showing up at his doorstep looking like he’d belong to the Milan Fashion Week.A tight grey shirt whose top three buttons almost begged to be opened (yet remained miraculously, in Fabris case, closed!) clung nicely to the body underneath it. A very fine silver chain hung around his neck that perfectly fit with the rings and the watch on his hand.Instead of ripped denim, now tight & shiny dark jeans were worn and to round this look up, an impeccably tailored black, suit jacket was thrown over him.

so not to be Hoe on main but we all just love Sexy Fab. but more so, i really thought Fabrizio would have put a lot of effort into dressing nicely this time around. Probably called a few friends, crying to help him. He just wanted Ermal to like his look. Which he did. A lot. again, outstanding heterosexual of the year, ermal meta is completely mesmerised by that look.

“Well, well, Fab. Gotta say, this place is on a whole different level“ The curly haired man commented as he flipped through the menu.“You like it?”“How could I not?”

again, Fabrizio intentionally looking up a fancy place for their Date, something he actually felt a little bit uncomfortable about himself and wouldnt normally chose for himself. But then again, he was greatly relieved when Ermal actually did say he liked it.

*It felt.. nice. The whole evening was quite nice, Ermal had to admit, even with the unusual ambient.

Ermal is just honestly iconic in this fic. man enjoys fabrizios appearance, enjoys talking with him, eating out with him, just spending time with him in general sooo much……and yet.

Fabrizio tilted his head and was it the candle light or something else, but a intriguing shine filled his eyes.“I’d know something sweeter than this.” In the next moment, everything turned upside down when Fabrizio suddenly took his hand and intertwined their fingers, his thumb gently brushing over the back of the younger man’s hand.

THE COURAGE THIS TOOK. THE NERVES WHICH WERE WRECKED. Fab really just went “ok here we go balls to the wall now or never”

Chap2

“So, Fabrizio….Fabrizio likes me. Apparently.” It felt interesting to say it out loud. Ermal got a tingly feeling at the thought. So ..it was him who made Fabrizio blush earlier? Who made him nervous? And smiley? Christ, he actually really wanted Ermal to like his outfit, didn’t he? A small smirk found its way on Ermal’s face. Who would have thought that he’d have Fabrizio Moro of all people wrapped around his finger.

erm: so im het

also erm: wow i really really like the fact that fabrizio is into me. its actually super exciting. kinda makes me happy in a way.

“Wait, what?! I should ask him out?!”“Yeah? Isn’t that something you want?”Is that something he- But that would imply that he’d want to pursue Fabrizio, his very male, masculine, manly friend Fabrizio who was definitely not by any chance a woman. To have a relationship with guy that was …..romantic… and oh sweet Mother of God, sexual?!“I- I- I don’t know.”

so yeah, to get to the bottom of this, when you’re in the process of realising your own …..non-heterosexuality, its just A Lot to take in. I thought, realistically, that would just be a bit too much for Ermal to take in at that moment. He had to process the mere thought of “yes, you could have a romantic relationship with this guy, since he’s into you. Its absolutely a possibility”. When you’re conditioned to think “i can only ever date people of the opposite sex” all your life, it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to new possibilities.

And then theres the sexual aspect which is like, on Jupiter, for Ermal’s current state of mind.

Chap3

The video he currently was immersed in showed a slow-mo fight between a mongoose and a cobra that in all its intensity outdid any action movie in a heartbeat.

i remember watching that vid before writing that chapter and being mesmerised by it. u fucking go lil mongoose!

[Bizio]: sorry i cant this weekend

First, i just love the thought of him being saved as Bizio on Ermals phone. Second, the reason why he replied so late was because he was wrecking his mind about it. Should he go? should he not? god, the thought of seeing ermal excited him and yet scared him. nonononno. he’s trying to get Over Ermal. He needs space. he is not ready yet.

[Ermal]:Fabri!! Heard you’re coming up North! 😁 I have this excellent bottle of wine that a fan gave me the other day (don’t ask) so how about we open it at my place? I know you love a good wine 😉🍷

He couldn’t even slide the phone back into his pocket before it started buzzing. Surprisingly, the reply came almost instantly this time.[Bizio]:sorry no the schedule is pretty tight for me at the moment i dont think ill have much time in milan

i just image him getting the weirdest fucking fan gifts. also lmao the lightning speed with which fab replied. homeboy saw that wine would be involved and imemdiately thought “nononononono. worst case, my drunk ass might kiss him, god forbid. we are absolutely not gonna do that”

[Ermal]:So I’m flipping through the channels at home and there comes a baking show and I wouldn’t normally stop to watch but you know what they’re baking? Those creamy pastry things we had in Lisbon!

Now the idea about the Pasteis de Nata stemms from a real life event! During ESC 2018 i slept at a friends house and since the contest was held in Portugal we decided to cook something portuguese. Thats what we did. They fucking slap. Also, one of the best weekends ive ever had

However, this is how things continued as to all of Ermal’s messages, he’d receive rather uncharacteristically short replies. When he sent him photos he’d often not reply at all and even when he called Fabri didn’t pick.

Okay we have to image in WHAT kinda mental state Fabrizio is in that time. Boy is EMBARASSED to death. Then obviously, he is trying his hardest to get rid of this crush. So he just isnt talking to Ermal at all. Which in turn makes him lonely and sad. So then Ermal shoots him a message, sends him a picture and Fabrizio is immediately head over heels again. Which he shouldnt be. Bad Fabri. And the circle repeats itself.

Fabrizio who smiled sweetly at the host, who hugged her tightly, who joked with her and oh, whose eyes didn’t stick to her face but wandered more and more south.

Dude honestly, Fab was not flirting with anyone. He was just being nice as he usually is. And we all know he a lil bit sleazy so yeah, he might have looked down once or twice. but he really was not flirting. It was just Ermals affection-deprived mind going berserk.

Also that was the first time Ermal witnessed Fabrizio being affectionate with someone else. And the contrast to that cold shoulder he received was just the last straw for him.

“Why is he all smiley and lovey-dovey with her while he treats me as if I’m a war criminal?!” Ermal shouted the second the other line got picked up.“Uhm, hello? Maybe a ‘Good morning’ first of all? A simple ‘how are you doing, Sabina?’ would have been appreciated too.”

Damn bitch can ya greet ur sister first before going off smh

And would it have been really that bad if Ermal had just held on to his hand? Let Fabrizio gently stroke him with his thumb, maybe even squeeze back while Ermal’s finger draws circles over letters that covered the older man’s knuckles.It would have been nice and Ermal would have liked it.

I think he just needed to see what he was missing out to realise what he really has always wanted. If things were to go back to normal, he would have never made any realisations.

“Am I- Do I like Fabrizio?”

No, we dont ask what he is. Because thats for another time, a calmer time. Or maybe not at all. He doesnt know the answer to that question and its not important right now. All he knows is that despite it all, he likes Fabrizio.

The fact he was a guy was new, but those feelings involved weren’t.

I feel like this is just a very bisexual experience. At least to me it was. Its very confusing when u are genuinely attracted to the opposite sex, so you make the conclusion: you are obviously straight. Its not possibly that you are not-straight.

Then u start feeling attraction to someone of ur own gender and its like “hmmm. Obviously this must be fake since we have established that Im genuinely attracted to the opposite sex ”

But the thing is..it aint going away. And then u think how you’d perhaps be down for sex, and perhaps be down for something more, and perhaps do all those nice things you would be doing with someone of the opposite sex.

So yeah, its ..its really confusing and complicated to figure it out. And if you actually do have a feelings for someone it only makes matters more complicated ig

“Jesus, I really do like him. Me. Liking a guy.”

Again, once u made That Realisation, its just the WILDEST thing in the beginning. a complete NEW concept being applied to yourself.

“LISTEN CUT THE BULLSHIT I KNOW EXACTLY THAT YOU’RE HOME! OPEN UP OR I WILL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND!” In addition to the knocking he now also started ringing the doorbell. He sure as hell wouldn’t move here until that door wasn’t opened.“I DONT GIVE A FUCK, I WON’T EVEN SLEEP AND NEITHER WILL YOU. I CAN GO ON FOREVER YOU HEAR ME, FABRIZIO MOBRICI?!”

Ermal is just unhinged in all my fics.

Epilogue

[Ermal💛]: You ready?

Fabrizio added that heart right immediately after Ermal left his house a week prior.

Ermal looked….cuddly.

So yeah we all know Fab isnt the keenest on fashion and shit. And i just though Ermal would want him to be as comfortable as possible on their date, so he was like “ay come casual” . and also, its sort of cute that Ermal lets Fabri see him so casual too, its sort of more private in that sense.

And those were still the mild surprises, let’s not start with the downright shock he felt when his brain started providing words like kissable, attractive, sexy and hot during lonelier nights.

i have a fic for those kinda nights too

“It’s not that far and God knows men your age need the exercise anyway.”

ermal just cant show affection like a normal person, he has to roast u even when he’s madly in love with u

What followed behind the colourful door was a small chaos. Literally. People constantly coming and going, with buzzing voices chatting in every corner. They made their way half through the rather crowded establishment, got greeted by a waiter who rushed past them, before they finally spotted a couple leaving, liberating two chairs for them.

SO YEAH. the restaurant. it is loosely based on a place here in Vienna. Its pakistani food too, its a buffet, its kinda chaotic like described in the fic. also u can pay as much as u want.

i just thought, yknow, its home made cooking and its kinda relaxed and chill and casual and has a certain liberal flair to it. and i thought yeah that has fabri energy we gonna use that. also their mango rice puddings fucking slap

Languages were not his forte, those belonged to Ermal, but Fabrizio ran through his options. It surely wasn’t French or Spanish, that he would at least recognise. German looked different too; they had those dots over their U’s and those curly B’s which allegedly weren’t B’s at all. Swedish? Danish? No. He’s been to Ikea often enough to know that his wardrobe wouldn’t be called Qershor. And Russian had different letters but maybe it was something similar to Russian?

Okay, so I’m a known Slut for Languages. Fabrizio is not. I can pretty much recognise most European languages in written form at some point in a text. Fabrizio can not. Therefore writing this from the perspective of someone who really isnt into languages was kind of interesting and a bit challenging. I was just thinking ‘how would he recognise them when he isnt into them?’ And i think, in the end, i did it realistically.

“Is it like..Serbian? Croatian? Or something?” He mumbled while putting a piece of eggplant in his mouth but quickly realised the answer when Ermal almost spit out his water from laughing.“No, definitely not. I can guarantee you, it’s very much not Serbian or Croatian ‘or something’.” Ermal chuckled with a bright smile, obviously enjoying their little guessing game. “But you’re close. In a way.”

This is SO embarrassing but this whole language guessing game was just a setup to an inside joke I have with myself. So, for those who don’t know, I speak Serbo-Croatian. And I study Slavic studies. The first things they tell you in the first lesson of the Slavic Linguistics course is “Please, for the love of God, PLEASE, dont say Albanian/Hungarian/Romanian is a slavic language”. Apparently many europeans assume these languages are because theyre surrounded by slavic countries. BUT TO AN ACTUAL SLAVIC NATIVE SPEAKER, the difference is immediately obvious and so its quite comical when people assume theyre related languages. So i thought the reverse would be kinda funny to Ermal too.

“I can be anything the teacher wants me to be. A good student, a naughty student, whatever floats his boat…” He asked sultrily before winking at the man across of him whose higher brain functions seemed to have ceased at once and just gaped at him like a fish.

boys whole brain got fried when the sexiest man in italy started flirting with him. issokay, he was just shocked. fabrizio has never been flirty with him before, he’ll get used to it.

“I was just trying to give you the best date that I could.“At those words, the Roman frowned however."Wait, this was a date?!”

im just an asshole honestly

They giggled as they finally closed the gap between them going for a slow and deep kiss.

i just love them being all SOFT and in LOVE

“Erm, I- I have an instore tomorrow, I better be well rested.”His counterpart just huffed and raised an eyebrow.“So were you planning on staying up all night, huh?”

Fabs horn dog brain definitively went HmmmmMmm this is nice:) ..could get even nicer:) but no fuck, i have work to do tomorrow

“Love how you immediately forget about a good night’s sleep once you have a tongue in your mouth.”“Fuck off.”

He just got carried away as if u were complaining ermal smh

"I bet on everything I have that your password is 'liberoanita1’ so yes, I actually can.”

Parents culture is just using ur children’s names as all your passwords and we all know Fabri is that kinda parent.

All in All, i also wanna talk about how the epilogue mirrors the first chapter, but in a more successful light.

Fabrizio dresses for Ermal - Ermal dresses for Fabrizio

fancy place - more casual place

They take the car - they walk

Fabrizio takes Ermals hand on the open for everyone to see - Ermal takes Fabrizios hand under the table, in private

They eat their dessert seperately - they eat theri dessert together

they fall out - they become closer, kiss

they dont talk - they plan the next date

anyway thanks for reading and thank uuuuuu for this ask julchen

#my fics

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imagineclaireandjamie · 5 years

Note

Come he’ll or high water is excellent can you please write more I love it 🥰 please thank you 🙏🥰🥰🥰👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Claire comes back to the past with Brianna and arrives at Helwater looking for Jamie—but must confront the Dunsanys first.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven

Come Hell or Helwater - Part Eight

Rain pattered against the window while Brianna sat at the table in the corner with Isobel working through a set of simple mathematics problems. She didn’t have the heart to tell Isobel that she’d mastered both multiplication and long division two years prior. Instead she worked her way through them slowly, allowing herself the fun of observing the others in the room while they thought she was thoroughly engrossed by the numbers on the page.

Brianna had found soon after her arrival at Helwater that she couldn’t help but like Isobel—she couldn’t have borne pretending she was so far behind in her studies otherwise. But Isobel’s sweetness could become grating if not for the presence of her sister, Geneva. It was Geneva who knew exactly how to push Isobel’s agreeableness to the brink, to coax a few less-than-kind remarks out of Isobel—and then offer reassurance that she hadn’t been so unkind as to require begging anyone’s pardon.

There was more to Geneva that Brianna found mesmerizing, however. Quiet moments when she managed a glance at the older girl and it was clear Geneva didn’t realize she was being watched. In those moments she looked the way Brianna had felt when Mama and Daddy had told her the great and terrible Truths of her life—first, that Daddy wasn’t going to live with them anymore, he was going to live with his special friend, Sandy, and, just a short time after that, when her mother informed her that Daddy wasn’t her “real” father. From what Brianna could tell, it was partly Geneva’s parents who were causing her to look that way, but not because they were breaking up. No, the lady Geneva was going to be married soon and anyone could see she didn’t want to get married.

But that was why there were beginning to be so many extra people at the estate. They were guests visiting for the upcoming wedding. Several older relatives of the Dunsanys had taken to sitting with Lady Dunsany in the main sitting room while the younger guests preferred to gather in the drawing room. It was in the adjoining library that Isobel was giving Brianna her lessons but the door was kept open so Isobel might pop in and make her necessary appearances every so often. Brianna thought Isobel perhaps preferred the quieter library to the group in the drawing room.

Brianna enjoyed peeking up at them through the doorway. She could only see a portion of one setee and a fragment of the floor to ceiling windows behind but Geneva was partial to planting herself on that setee and as the bride to be, she frequently had company beside her—usually one of the two British soldiers who had startled her mother in the forest that day they’d arrived. The younger of those two often turned to glance through the same open doorway at her, which always made her flush and look down at her paper. Or was he looking at Isobel? Brianna peeked up to see Isobel looking flustered as well, no doubt aware of the soldier’s piercing gaze.

Even if Brianna could convince herself that the young man was paying his attentions to Isobel, all it took was Geneva seeing her sister’s blush to throw a wrench in Brianna’s plans of going unnoticed.

“Isobel,” Geneva called rising from the setee and floating to the door. “Aren’t you going to join us? As the sister of the bride it’s part of your duties to help me entertain my guests,” she teased with a playful giggle and glance over her shoulder. “John, Hal, won’t you help me coax Isobel into joining us?”

Isobel sighed but smiled at Brianna before pushing herself up from her chair at the table. “You’re doing wonderfully,” Isobel assured her. “Keep working on this set of problems and I’ll be back shortly to check your progress.”

Brianna nodded and then watched as Isobel glared at her sister who stood in the doorway with a satisfied grin on her face.

“Really John, you must ask Isobel about her latest obsession with playing governess,” Geneva continued, the conversation still drifting in for Brianna to overhear since the door between the rooms remained open. “It’ll be something to keep her occupied when she no longer has me around to entertain her.”

Isobel spoke too quietly for Brianna to hear but from Geneva’s subsequent, “Oh come, I’m only playing,” she assumed the young lady had rebuked her.

“It is the curse of younger siblings to always be tormented by the older,” John remarked, lightening the mood even as he too scolded Geneva.

Brianna set her pencil aside and leaned forward over the table, straining to see if she could catch a glimpse of them but they must be standing near the fireplace. The rain outside was unrelenting in a spring that was already slow about taking root. That was one of the things about this time that Brianna found most frustrating and quietly terrifying—how cold it was without proper, modern heating and how afraid she was that she would get too close to the hearth or that she’d knock over a candle and go up in flames.

“I know Isobel’s attempts to improve the poor child arrive from the best of intentions,” Geneva assured the others and Brianna could hear the eye roll in her tone. “I just think that when it comes to the staff and their families, it’s not our place to interfere. They have their lives and we have ours.”

“And the fact that their livelihood depends upon our whims doesn’t matter?” Isobel challenged more vocally, clearly surprising the others.

Brianna rose from her seat and tiptoed closer to the door to hear better and maybe sneak a better angle through the door so she could see them while remaining hidden in the shadows. If she was truly lucky, there’d be a mirror on one wall that would let her watch their reflections—she couldn’t remember if there was a mirror in the drawing room though.

“So long as they’re paid for their services, I’m not sure I understand to what you might object,” the older one—Hal, Geneva had called him—said gently.

“They require decent pay to support their families,” Isobel agreed, “and sometimes they’re compensated in other forms—for instance, housing or their meals—but what about their other needs, especially for their children? Is it not our duty to guide them towards being productive members of society where their parents are either lacking the means or the opportunity?”

“And what makes you think the Mackenzies are lacking the means and opportunity?” Geneva countered. “Did you ask them if they wanted it when you asked for their permission? Shall we ask the little lady now?”

Brianna panicked for a moment as she heard Geneva’s footsteps crossing toward the door but her instincts quickly kicked in. She started walking for the door herself and nearly collided with Geneva.

“Sorry,” Brianna muttered, backing away. “I was just coming to ask Miss Isobel if she might excuse me to go help my mother. Miss Isobel should be spending her time with your company, not with me just now.”

“I don’t mind at all, really,” Isobel insisted but Geneva made a dismissive gesture, keeping her eyes on Brianna.

“The child is quite right, don’t you agree, John? It’s terribly rude of Isobel first to ignore your presence and then to ignore her young charge’s. If she had a nursemaid, we might turn her over to so she doesn’t inhibit her mother in her work. Should we engage one for her, Isobel?” Geneva asked, looking over her shoulder at her sister. “Would that be more of the means and opportunities that our hired servants are lacking? I suppose we’ll just have to keep an eye on her ourselves then. Come child,” Geneva turned back to Brianna with an overly sweet smile. “Join us in the drawing room and we’ll try not to bore you too terribly.”

Brianna stood her ground, staring expressionlessly at Geneva.

“Geneva…” Hal said quietly, stepping toward her.

“Quiet little thing, aren’t you,” Geneva murmured, her attention still fixed on Brianna. “Do you speak at all?”

“I’m ten, not two,” Brianna replied, unamused even as the color began to rise in Geneva’s cheeks. “And my mother always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’d rather spend my time somewhere I can have a conversation. Thank you, Miss Isobel, for the lesson. I’ll see myself out.”

Brianna kept her ears pricked for their reactions as she turned on her heel and went to the table to retrieve her things before exiting through the door at the side that led to the servant’s passage and from there down to the kitchen. She heard one stifled chuckle (Hal) and Isobel’s gentle, “You were the one who provoked her.”

The sound of a slight commotion drew most of the others back into the drawing room—a footman announcing the arrival of another guest.

“Daniel,” Hal exclaimed in joy. “It’s a miracle you made it in this weather. You ought to have stayed at your inn until it cleared.”

“If he did that he might not have arrived in time at all,” Geneva declared, brushing away the awkwardness of being put in her place by a ten-year-old girl. “The way it looks now it could rain through the next fortnight and my wedding’s one week away. He knew I’d never forgive him if he wasn’t here.”

“Always said Gordon was like a brother to me so I see it as my brotherly duty to make sure everything stays on schedule,” a new voice chimed in.

“Well you might’ve been as a brother to Gordon but you’ve hardly been a brother to either of his sisters,” Geneva objected with a laugh. “You haven’t written a word to either Isobel or myself in over a year.”

Brianna snuck one final peek through the door to the drawing room.

John, the soldier who had come walking through the field with her mother that day, was the only one watching her as she made her exit.

“Bree,” Claire gasped as her daughter barged into the cottage, dripping wet from her brief run through the rain from the main house. “For heaven’s sake, what are you doing here? I was going to fetch you back after your lesson was finished. You’re soaked to the bone.”

“Well you might wind up back there later treating their latest guest. Sounds like he rode a ways through the rain and I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes down sick from it,” Brianna said, shaking her hair like a wet dog.

“Sassenach,” Jamie called from the cottage’s back entrance. “Do ye have anything hereabouts we could eat? Thought it might be nicer to have our midday meal alone together rather than trek through the muck to the main house. And as Bree’s occupied there with Miss Isobel…”

Claire cleared her throat loudly soon after he began and spoke over him, “We’re in here, Jamie. Bree’s just got back too. We hadn’t addressed the subject of lunch yet.”

Jamie came around the corner, his face pink and dripping with the rain that had soaked his hair.

“Bree,” he said with a smile. “Is it wet enough for ye out there? I ken I must look and feel like a half-drowned cat.”

“Well it is raining cats and dogs,” Brianna remarked without enthusiasm.

“Why don’t you fetch some dry things from your trunk and change in our room,” Claire offered.

“I suppose we won’t be using it after all,” Jamie whispered in her ear as he brushed a kiss against Claire’s cheek.

“I had brought a leftover side of ham from the house after tending the cook the other day,” Claire continued, ignoring Jamie, “and there’s cheese I had set aside as well. We’ll see what kind of meal we can make with that and maybe it will let up enough tonight for a larger meal with the others at the main house.”

When Brianna had closed their bedroom door behind her to change, Claire turned into Jamie’s arms and stood on her toes to give him a kiss.

“When the wedding’s over and their guests have gone home, things will calm down enough that we’ll have a little more time for ourselves,” she whispered, pulling away from him as his hands drifted down to her backside. “Not just the two of us, but the three of us.”

“Except for when we have time just the two of us to get back to work on making that three of us into a four, aye?”

“Aye,” Claire smiled and blushed. “Though by my watch we’ve spent a fair bit of time working at that already.”

#the next installment will have more of Jamie and Claire (at least at the beginning) I promise #Anonymous #;mod lenny #come hell or helwater #featuring: bree #featuring: geneva dunsany #featuring: isobel dunsany grey #featuring: john grey #featuring: hal grey

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